Cherry Baby

After the birth...

2013-05-12T21:52:00.001-07:00

After the euphoria of having had a VBAC and welcoming our daughter- things started to look less peachy...

I had some "extensive" tears from the hand/elbow scraping and after 1 hr in the delivery room the OB wasn't able to stitch me up correctly. They moved me into the OR and 3 Attendings worked on me for over 1 hr. Apparently I didn't tear all that bad, but the location of the tear was very difficult to access and stitch- also the bleeding was reducing their visibility- yes they vacuumed blood out of me during this. Man so much trauma to my poor body. I felt very panicky in the OR, I was shaking uncontrollably from the increased meds so they could work on me without me feeling it, and something was going on with E and D. I asked to be mildly sedated because although my legs were numb, I was about to jump off the table. Something about numb legs makes me very panicky- it happened during my epideral too, but with everything else going on in the OR I couldn't cope.

D was fortunately able to accompany me in the OR with our little girl, E. But as I was being wheeled in I hear the nurse say to another nurse, "she doesn't sound so good, we need to check her out." So there I am on the table and they begin to asses E- I look over and she looks a bit blue and they say she needs to be checked out because her breathing sounded like grunts. So D goes with E, and I go into a sedated state till they finish with the stitching.

When I get back to the room they discover I have a fever and begin me on tylenol and antibiotics (oh joy!). Then D comes back and tells me E is in the NICU having some trouble breathing- she had to have a CPAP to help her reach 100% oxygen. I was honestly so exhausted and also so high off the birth hormones that I coped surprisingly well. A bit later the pediatrician comes in to say they did an X-ray and it looks like pneumonia. So E was started on antibiotics.

She was born around 6:30 pm and went in the NICU around 10:00 pm. By the next morning she was doing much better, not needing the CPAP, the next X-ray looked much better (no longer were they thinking pneumonia), but her blood tests came back showing some sort of infection could be present. So they wanted to continue her antibiotics and monitor her for 5 full days. This was devastating- I hated being in the postpartum section without my baby. And despite having a vaginal delivery I was seriously struggling with walking, I was in a lot of pain from the surgery, and carrying around my own IV of antibiotics- so visiting the NICU was no easy feat. I was also pumping and then visiting her every few hours to nurse. We managed to use only a few ml of formula (mostly because those NICU nurses were NOT very supportive of exclusive breastfeeding- they are all about pushing fluids, measuring output with each diaper, and expecting major weight gain in the first week- I understand why, but E was not preemie or dealing with multiple major issues).

Long story short- E did great, never needing to stay past the 5 days of antibiotics, and we were able to stay down the hall from the NICU in a parents sleep room for the remainder of E's NICU stay after I was discharged. It was hard being away from L (we visited with him a few hours at a time), but E needed us, breastfeeding was our full time job till she was out.

My recovery has been rough- at times it feels harder then the c-section, at times not...
I am less then 3 weeks postpartum but still in a lot of pain at times, walking hurts, but at least I have my abs! I can't imagine being around L after a c-section- this guy has been expressing himself by jumping on me, pulling me, climbing, and throwing himself into me. Poor guy is really struggling with having missed us for about 1 week and now mommy is even more incapacitated then during pregnancy. Overall he seems to adore E, but he doesn't like to share me with her.

E is turning out to be such as easy baby- despite the difficult delivery, the NICU stay, and health scares, she is calm, sleeps really well, only cries when she wants her diaper changed or to be fed. It's like a whole new experience to D and I- L was ridiculously hard as a newborn (ha and even still!), so thankfully E will create some balance in this intense family. She looks a lot like I did as a baby, very curious to see how she grows both physically and personality.

VBAC Birth Story

2013-05-09T22:05:00.002-07:00

She's here, our little girl, our VBAC baby, our soft tempered child. April 24th, 39 weeks, around 4 am labor began. L had woken up and D had already left for work so I went to soothe L back to sleep. I was cramping a lot and needed to use the bathroom so I was very appreciative when I told L, "Mama will be right back." and L said "ok", then fell back asleep. In the bathroom I discovered bloody show (what a fantastic term). I was excited and went to lay back down. I texted D to tell him it *might* mean today. Within an hour my water (well a small part) broke- the pop is like nothing else. D headed home, my mom came by since L would be up soon, and we waited.

Everything was already off to a better start then my last labor- we were excited, we both had slept the night before and contractions were picking up slowly and giving me a lot of time to figure out how to cope with them. I ate food, watched some shows with D, and eventually put on the TENS machine when the pain was getting intense. My mom took L to her house once I started getting agitated and he started getting way too interested in the TENS machine.

I took my time after that, showered, bounced on the birth ball, ate more food (I was very hungry!), then called our doula to give her a heads up. I felt great and was able to relax during the contractions. As far as timing of contractions I varied from 4-5 min apart to 7-12 minutes apart. We decided to have our doula come by around 12. She was awesome and supportive and encouraging. She wanted to work with me to get me to the hospital to push, meaning labor mostly at home. I wanted this too, but things turned out a bit differently. It seemed like the intensity of my contractions and the pain I was experiencing increased, but the frequency/pattern of them varied and weren't consistent. Certain positions were so painful I would refuse to do them again.

Around 5 I started loosing it- crying during contractions, wanting to go to the hospital. My doula and D really pushed me to stay. D and I took a shower and he kept me in there for about 1 hour, each contraction I begged to leave, he stayed strong and got me to stay. Now why did I want to go to the hospital? To escape the pain, and to know where I was dilation wise, to be closer to the end. I always said I would love to have a natural unmedicated birth, but my only true goal was to have a VBAC.

Driving to the hospital was horrendous and traumatic- lets leave it at that. We arrived and I tearfully stumbled down the halls to Labor & Delivery. They put me in a triage room to "assess"- that sucked. In that room I experienced the worst cervical check of my life- it was so painful I about jumped off the table. Then the words, "3 cm 70% effaced" made me cry. I felt the same thing happening from Ls birth, lots of time, pain, little progress. Looking back it was more progress then with L, and I had been able to sleep, eat and manage it better. But at that point I wanted to be admitted and we discussed pain meds.

I was still fearful of the epideral, which I believed stopped the progress with my last labor and led to the c-section. So we discussed morphine and decided on that. Once in the room our doula had D take a nap- she was awesome about encouraging us to rest at different times- this actually made a huge difference because last time we were both so sleep deprived. I sort of dosed off between contractions, but then felt like I had to pee after each one and had to get up.

Something really special happened for us while we were there, we had previously made friends with a mom at Ls preschool who happened to be an OB at the hospital. She was very natural birth friendly and had a home birth herself, and was friends with our doula. Our doula was texting her throughout my labor with updates so when she knew we were headed into the hospital she called and let the staff know to take good care of us. They absolutely did, I felt more attention and support from this huge teaching hospital with OBs and residents then the small midwife birthing center we used for L.

At some point they said they wanted to check me again- I can't remember the time, but we had seen my contractions slow down from the morphine and with my water being broken pitocin was our next step. I knew I could not deal with pitocin without an epideral so I agreed. At this point I was sad, and believed that a c-section was in our future. I agreed to a check, but requested a different Dr- that first check was so awful I needed a different touch/energy. We go a great Dr and it didn't hurt at all (amazing how different check can be). She noted I was still 3 cm but now 90% effaced. I cried, I felt broken. This was hours later, and no more dilation.

Then I heard words that changed everything- the Dr. asked if I had any past cervical procedures- I had about 12 years prior and asked why. She said because you have scarring. She noted that my internal part of my cervix was more dilated then the external, which is the opposite of what they usually see. She massaged out the scarring (again basically painless- this woman was a godsend)- I immediately went to 4 cm. Not a huge difference, but now I had some hope, and some explanation for why labor is so slow.

I got the epideral and they started me on a small dose of pitocin. We ended up stopping at 6 (which is a very low dose) because thats all my body needed. The next time I was checked a few hours later I was a 7 and 100% effaced! I cried, happy tears of course, I had never heard anything above a 4-5- my body was working. I was able to sleep some with the epideral- again big difference from last labor. My Dr. came by to visit me which was nice- again I just felt very supported there.

At once point I started feeling more pressure and they checked me to find the rest of my bag of waters had broken (D said he could hear the water rushing out of me it was so much) and baby was moving down and engaging. A few hours passed and the nurse made a call, and very quickly a bunch of people rushed in the room to check on me. They decided on an internal monitor on the baby because they weren't picking her heart rate up on the monitors. The Dr. checked me first and said, "you're complete and baby is at +1 station""- of course I cried again and I knew it was really happening this time. As quickly as the people came into the room they left. They let me labor down a bit, turned down the epideral and rest so I could push.

I was so happy but also afraid that pushing would be hard. I got the best nurse for the delivery, and until our little girl crowned, it was just D, our doula, and our awesome nurse. I puked and started to feel some intense pain prior to pushing. When I started pushing I liked using the mirror (something I wondered would be uncomfortable prior to labor). I didn't feel her moving down, but I did feel her crowing and seeing her head and touching the top of her head was incredible. I felt a lot of pain on the topwhen she came out and that was due to her hand/elbow tearing me on the way out (more on that later). When she came out they handed her to me and I said, "shes so slippery". She was, and had almost no vernix. She cried and looked around. Her cries were a bit "wet" sounding (more on that later as well). But she was there, on my chest, my little girl, my VBAC baby.

After the delivery things got a lot less positive and I will write about that soon- both little girl and I had to have some medical attention. We are both happy and healthy now.

Our Little Girl's Nursery

2013-04-14T21:39:00.002-07:00

It's a small space, but we managed to most fit everything we had from L plus a few extras. The closet is devoted mostly to non baby stuff (most of our closets are not for the clothing of the person/people in that room, we have a teeny tiny linen closet and THATS IT, so all closets are filled to the brim with all sorts of stuff). Don't under estimate going from 1700 sq. ft. to 1100 sq. ft. and adding a new baby....

Big Boy Room

2013-04-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

L's big boy room is done- well as done as a room can be to me.

37 weeks

2013-04-14T21:23:00.002-07:00

Well I'll be 38 weeks in a couple days- but yeah- full term, will be 100% ready in a few days when I officially stop working. This photo can probably explain how I feel:

HUGE, tired, ready to return to a non pregnant state...I definitely feel larger then last time.

Happenings

2013-03-08T22:09:00.000-08:00

Of course it's been forever since I made a blog post...

It feels like so many things have happened, yet not much to write about, or nothing that I want to write about. We have been trying to get the house more "ready" for our little girl arriving in the next 7-9 weeks (if she's on L's schedule she will arrive before the due date, but I have to at least be aware that I could go after my due date, boy will that be difficult to handle).

We are finally making some real progress on the nursery. after L was born I really felt like his room was a waste. He never slept in there and I spent all this time making it so cute. When I first got pregnant this time, I toyed with not even having a nursery and just keeping the 3rd bedroom as an office/playroom. Well I couldn't stand it, and I started to think about how the baby would need a space her own, off limits to L for naps. I figured he would have a harder time staying out f our room then the "baby's" room. We also moved L into the bigger room and I am so glad we did.

Since my last post, L has not once been walked down to sleep- YAY! That does not mean bedtimes are easy, but it's progress. L now enjoys his night time routine of teeth brushing and stories, but he still fights sleep. This shows up in different ways depending on the night. He will ask for food/drinks oevr and over, he will want to have a certain toy in bed and then be distracted by it, or he will want to read certain books that engage him way too much. Books with pop ups, texture, flaps to be lifted, etc are off limits at bed time. We also realize that we need to change books out often or he gets bored. So we decided to go to the library to get a bunch of books every few weeks. My favorite bed time book for him is Bedtime for Francis- the way it is written works well with a fairly monotone voice and usually gets him to bed. But L is so smart that when he wants to fight bed, he fights the books that are great at putting him to sleep. L is also pretty much day time potty trained. He has an occasional accident, and still has some some anxiety about pooping, but I am so happy we can put on underwear, bring our potty in the back of the car and just go. Night time we use pull ups and L seems to avoid pooping during the day on the potty by pooping when he wakes up in a pull up. I am fine with this for now.

We are having a lot of struggles with Ls behavior with other kids at preschool/playgrounds. L hits/pushes if they simply approach him. He really believes they are going to take his toy or get in his space. It's embarrassing to have the kid that causes the other kids to cry....but thats a post for another time.

Here are a few pictures to make this post less of an essay...

Starting at the top: L playing with "colored" water- sort of our version of a little montessori activity. The next two are nursery progress, got a great deal on a room and board glider off craigslist, make some cheap curtains out of clearance sheets, bought fabric for the skirt and pillows on the crib, and repurposed most of L's nursery stuff (light, birds, etc). Bottom left pic is L coloring eggs at school- he looks so old here, no more puffy diaper paints! Last is me at 27 weeks. I am much larger now but have to yet to take another pic.

Big Boy

2013-01-20T21:11:00.003-08:00

I really thought I would be blogging more during this pregnancy- it always seemed like something I wanted to do. And then here I am blogging the least I have ever...and there is so much going on.

L is making some major progress in the potty training, and sleeping department. Tonight will hopefully mark the SEVENTH night in a ROW that he has fallen asleep with a story (not a book, but just being told a story in bed). This is HUGE. L has probably done this 2 times in his life prior to the last seven days. It's like he is finally ready to let go of his hate for night time and relax. The potty training was also a huge breakthrough- I started offering him semi sweet chocolate chips to go pee- since he was holding it for hours without his diapers. He started going regularly and now doesn't need a reward to constantly go. He hasn't mastered pulling his pants/underwear down so sometimes he goes on the potty through them. He also sometimes tries to stand/squat over the potty backwards- this made for a hilarious poop that was dropped on the floor in front of the potty. Thankfully we have hard floors and he missed the few carpeted spaces. He we isn't ready to go out of the house without a diaper. But yeah, these things are amazing and so nice to see happen before the next baby comes.

We moved L into the other room. It's a larger room and close the the kitchen so he can play in there while I do stuff and still watch him. He likes it a lot better and I credit his better sleeping in part to the room change.

We upholstered his headboard to make it safer and better looking using Daniel's tutorial. We only did the headboard so it would still be easy to take apart, and we do plan on painting the wood gray. We made a wall shelf of books using the Ikea Ribba ledges. I really love how they turned out. We also got a chew nightstand on craigslist. There is so much more to do but it's finally coming together. Here's some shots of it now- far from finished.

I am excited to get started on the babies room. So far we have L's nursery furniture out, but nothing decorated on it's it's permanent spot. I also really want to find a glider I like thats not $1000. I look on craigslist and in the stores but nothing has really popped out at me yet.

L has found his love for legos again- constantly masking "sail boats, "robots", "monster trucks"- have I mentioned how "boy" this kid is? So boy. I got him a doll for Christmas and he frowned and said it belonged to his cousin, who is a girl...oh well. Below L is building towers with D, and then I had to include this sweet sleeping picture.

Good Stuff

2012-12-18T15:18:00.001-08:00

So I'm 21 weeks and feeling much better (yet still struggling certain days with the nausea and fatigue). And we found out that our next little one will be a GIRL. We are very excited, everyone including us had desire for a little sister for L. And I get to use the name that I have been wanting to use for L before we knew he was a he.

We also found a wonderful doula- she is not cheap, but she gets it, has the perfect personality to be tough with me when I'm in pain, and to be assertive with the hospital staff. Yes, it appears we will be birthing at the hospital instead of at home. Honestly, I am too fearful of having a catastrophic rupture- if that happened in a home birth baby would die. The risk is very low, but I'm afraid, and low risk doesn't mean I wont be the one that it happens to. Who knows if we change our minds before the birth, but right now that is the plan.

We decided we will not try to move this next year. So now we will paint some of the rooms white (yes white, because this rental is an ugly off white, yellowish neutral that makes my skin crawl. Oh and it's all glossy, every single room, gross!). We are also going move L into the other room so baby girl will have a nursery. I know she may not be in it right away, but I think it's important to have it set up and ready so we can start getting her used to a crib very early. We plan to try different things with her in hopes that she will sleep better then L.

I'm very excited for Xmas this year with L. He is already so into it, loving the outdoor lights, saying "merry christmas", watching the 1964 Rudolf movie. My favorite thing so far this xmas has been buying books to read to L. This sweet bookstore in town just makes me want to curl up in the corner and read to him all day. Plus I don't know how many more times I can read some of the books we have. Lets just say there are several stories L can "read" because he has memorized them.

Above are a few pics, for some reason we have only taken instagram/iphone photos int he last 5 months...First is L listening to the baby with Babkas stethoscope, next is L being a "helicopter pilot", then L at Fairyland on the train in his new hat, and last is L with his friend being utterly adorable together.

2nd verse- same as the first?

2012-11-03T12:35:00.001-07:00

So I'm in the second trimester- and it's still pretty rough. I'm almost 15 weeks and was really hoping the nausea and overall weak feeling would be gone. I have been able to attend L's preschool more frequently, which I love. And I am a little less nauseated, but if I don't get enough rest, or move around too quickly- puking happens. I think I can say this pregnancy is harder then the last. I was working 32 hrs a week and commuting 1 hr each day and I was able to do it after the first week of nausea hell. This time if I had those same commitments I would be even more of a wreck then I already am.

I have been trying to eat a lot of protein and whole foods- when I can get them down I do feel better. A hardboiled egg with some avocado and a pinch of salt has been my go to breakfast. I still seem to need a starch to help with stomach acid, but I am so happy to not just be ingesting terrible grain based, sugar based foods. I have also been loving milk- which is insane since I do not like milk, we never drink it in our home for several reasons- but it's working for me right now and in the big scheme of things is healthier then some other stuff I can stomach.

Next week we may find out the sex of this baby- I hope I will get excited after that. This pregnancy has a lot more uncertainty then the last one; we might (I really want to) move into a better fitting home, insurance is horrendous, maternity leave is going to be harder as I am self employed, our renters may be moving out around the time the baby is due, birth options are a constant concern on my mind, and L has really been regressing with all the changes of me being so sick.

I'm so tired of being sick, I miss having energy, I miss exercise (I laugh at my previous ambitions of continuing to run into pregnancy- I'm lucky if I walk around on some days), and I want to have the same excited happiness I felt last pregnancy. Work is going well- I'm proud I have been able to hang on to that at least. I haven't missed a single appointment. I found another therapist to sublease my office a couple days that I do see patients, and possibly more days as I go on maternity leave. It's nice to know some of my expenses will be covered.

L was Buzz Lightyear for halloween. It was cute, he was pretty scared the skulls, blinking eye decorations, but he did go to a few houses and get some candy. At the first couple houses he tried to walk inside- it was cute, but I had to remind him that we only ring the doorbell and stay on the porch. I can't wait for Christmas, L is going to love it this year, and I BETTER feel better by then, or this uterus is seriously closed for business indefinitely...

1st Trimester Nightmare

2012-10-13T18:09:00.004-07:00

This is a giant whine/bitch fest....never before pregnant women, read at your own risk and know that not everyone feels this shitty.

I forgot how difficult the 1st trimester is. It's been about 6 weeks since I started feeling the "morning sickness", and although the peak of that seems to be ending, I am now being detained by incredibly painful headaches. I keep trying to figure out if this is how I felt with L (the headaches are for sure a new thing), or if it's worse, and also, when exactly did I get better. I know it did get better, the second trimester and most of the third weren't too bad. I had a lot of Braxton hicks contractions, but no nausea, and no pain that couldn't be helped with massage or a warm bath.

I guess I assumed since I was in better shape this time, I wouldn't suffer too much in the beginning. I guess having a toddler that does not think it's ok for mama to rest is probably not helping my case.

I want to be excited about this pregnancy, and I want to enjoy fall- I F*CKING love fall (the weather, the foods, the fun stuff to do with L). But I honestly feel like my life is on hold. I spend the days I can resting, laying down, drinking insane amounts of club soda (something about the carbonation stops me from vomiting it up). If I overdo it, I suffer the consequences...either some awesome puke session or a headache that brings me to tears. Chocolate helps the headaches though (maybe the combination of sugar and caffiene), learned that last night.

I have missed almost every day of L's preschool. D has been great and attending them all. I hate that I am not able to be there for L like I want. I get sh*t from some women who did not have difficult pregnancies saying I should just, "drink ginger ale, eat small meals, and force yourself to do things". It's frustrating, but ultimately they don't know what they are talking about because even the mildest birth control hormones cause vomiting in me (aka hormone changes and me are not friends), and there's a whole lot more hormone changes going on right now then in those ridiculous nuva rings (seriously lame invention imo). Then I also get the, "isn't there anything you can take, maybe your Dr. can prescribe something?" BS that some people try to pull on me. NOPE, don't feel like taking a drug that isn't considered extremely safe unless I am having serious consequences (loosing a lot of weight, dehydrated, can't keep anything down). I would rather alter my life, take it as easy as I can, then pop a pill that probably wont be very effective and cause a slew of shitty side effects (main one being really bad constipation- so yes shitty).

It's been hard to keep a positive outlook after 6 weeks though. It's exactly why people with chronic pain and illness have an incredibly high rate of also suffering from depression. It's as if something is constantly weighing you down.

This week D and I will be meeting with a homebirth midwife. We haven't decided if this is the route for us, but I need to find out if it's even a possibility for us. I had high blood pressure the last couple weeks of my pregnancy with L, so maybe that alone risks me out. I need to know that it's not an option for me to be able to commit to a hospital birth. I actually really like my Dr, and if she would be there for my birth, I would have much less hesitation. But she wont be- well she is on call once a week for a 12 hr shift....so basically I can't count on it. But money is also a factor- homebirth plus a transfer if needed is A LOT of money. And then there's all the VBAC things to worry about.

Side note: I was reading ~~some~~ a lot of birth stories; over and over women say contractions felt like really bad menstrual cramps...mine so did not feel like that, if they had I would have rocked my labor. My contractions felt like a bomb was exploding all over my uterus and ripping me apart...I really need a new game plan for dealing with that this time.

This week we will also have our NT ultrasound. I'm all for screenings, it's important for me to know about the health of this baby. I don't think there will be any concerns, but I'm looking forward to the high resolution ultrasound- I need something about this pregnancy to get enjoyable really quick.

I keep wondering about the gender of this baby- a lot of pressure from friends, family to have a girl- ok guys, I'll get on that! Honestly, I would like a girl, but not for the reason that I wouldn't want a boy. I want a girl for the reason that it will be easier to not have any more children if I choose not to. Basically that concept started due to how difficult this pregnancy has been. I always wanted 3 kids, maybe 4- but now I just want to never experience this ever again. This 1st trimester hasn't been far from a nightmare and has even taken me to some dark places.

Hopefully things will get better soon. Of course there will be the first kicks, finding out the sex, actually looking pregnant- not bloated, organizing newborn stuff.......bring on that second trimester!

I've Been MIA...

2012-09-29T20:15:00.002-07:00

Well a lot has happened that I would have liked to blog about- L turned 2, we had a sweet birthday party for him, L started preschool and it's seriously the most amazing preschool ever, work has been going well, and the big one:

Cherry Baby #2!

Which is also the reason I haven't posted in forever- so sick. I'm one of those lucky women who get extremely nauseated with hormonal changes, pregnancy being an obvious one. But here I am almost 10 weeks feeling slightly normal.

5 Miles for 4 Years

2012-08-10T16:20:00.001-07:00

Yesterday D and I ran 5 miles, it was also our 4 year anniversary. It was a good run; I initially doubted I would make it 5 due to having a sick toddler keeping me up the night before and being exhausted. But after about 2 miles it got easier and I even sprinted the last mile. Ee did it on treadmills, which makes it much more of an accomplishment. The treadmills at the YMCA are wonderful, they have great shock absorbency and in comparison our home treadmill seems dangerous with just plywood under the belt. We are selling it by the way- it's a good treadmill, served me very well and got me into running. But we don't run at home very much any more, and the YMCA membership offers childcare and a pool, family activities...so we never use it any more.

After the run we rested a bit at home and then I went to work. I had a few clients that evening- overall I am getting a lot more clients and the practice is filling up almost to what I want as my maximum. L went to stay with Babka while D and I went out to dinner. It was a very nice restaurant with a michelin star...and the prices to go with it. But we figured for not being able to take a vacation or a couple days away, it was well worth it.

Of course since L had been sick, I had to finally come down with what he had. So at some point during our dinner I noticed a scratchy throat, head ache, and overall fatigue. It progressed and I am still nursing this mild flu/cold today.

It's been a while...

2012-08-02T07:47:00.002-07:00

I am really slacking on updating this blog, but thats to be expected. It's much faster paced where we live now, I'm working, L is a handful, and who has time for blogging...

The last few weeks haven't been great. I found out I was pregnant and then I found out I wasn't any more, all in a matter 4 days. It was a chemical pregnancy / early miscarriage. Something I have never experienced before but always heard a about. We were really excited when we found out I was pregnant, even though a huge part of me didn't believe it or trust it. But the next day I felt pregnant and began to get a little more excited. Even still, I kept testing to see if the test line would appear darker- this is something I didn't do with L, and I just knew I was going ot have a baby when I found out with L- this time I didn't. The test line started to get lighter, and within a couple days was so light that I knew. I went back and forth with tricking myself into thinking it was only a few days and my hcg levels could still be really low...but I also knew. And then I got my period. I'm grateful this happened early and my body handled it the way it should. I currently have a client who experienced a miscarriage at 12 weeks, very far along and needing medical assistance. I have to say I was devastated for a few days, but I am ultimately ok. Obviously hearing about people being pregnant with the same due date I would have had hurts a little, but I don't view this loss as the loss of a baby or child. I'm sure there are others who read this blog and may feel differently, but I lost some obviously damaged cells- early miscarriages are usually due to non viable eggs/sperm with chromosome abnormalities.

My only concern was that breastfeeding somehow contributed to the miscarriage. The night after getting a darker positive test and feeling very pregnant, I nursed L. It was incredibly painful, I was cramping, and feeling very uncomfortable, light headed, almost like mild labor. So uncomfortable that I had to stop nursing. The next day my symptoms faded- as did the test result. I haven't nursed L since, but he also hasn't really asked.

L is getting so much more independent. We decided to get a family membership to the YMCA- it's close, they have a pool, FREE childcare, lots of free family stuff, and it's affordable! I was a little worried the first time we took L to their childcare that he would freak out. My previous experiences of daycare, or just walking away from him to use the bathroom have turned into crying spells. But he has gone twice and not cried at all! He calls the place "special grandmas house" because we were told during our tour that during the morning hours the workers are grandmas. It feels like he is ready to start preschool, and even a little daycare if I need to relieve my mom from always watching him while I work.

30 before 30

2012-07-09T20:45:00.001-07:00

I forget to do this after my birthday (so one is already completed). Last year I didn't accomplish a few keys things, but hopefully this year I can get back on track.

~~1. Throw L's 2 year bday party at our home.~~
2. Go on a family trip
3. Read at least 3 books (Again)
4. Go on a family camping trip (these seem awfully appealing with a baby)
5. Take L to the beach
~~6. Plan a special 30th birthday for D~~ basically this didn't happen because I was puking too much :(
7. ~~Grow my private practice (aka actually have income)~~
~~8. Enroll preschool~~
9. Continue being healthy
~~10. Become pregnant with our second child~~
11. Take L to the SF MOMA
~~12. Make L a train table for his Birthday~~
13. Do monthly dates with D- and actually go out- do not stay home and clean!
~~14. Grow vegetables in pots~~
~~15. Wean L from nursing (we are so close)~~
~~16. Get L to fall asleep without walking/nursing/driving down (having some success but not consistently)~~
17. Complete a half-marathon (13.1)
18. Organize the house
19. Eliminate Junk
~~20. Get a gardener (we can go back and fourth about being capable of cutting the grass and blowing the leaves regularly, but we never do, it's time for a change)~~
21. Take a family photo (or a few)
~~22. Wear a dress to work (this seems pointless but, I want to incorporate non pant items as professional wear)~~
~~23. Finish watching The Wire (just started the third season- totally addicted- Omar blows me away)~~
24. Use my Bikram Yoga Groupon
25. Eliminate Debt
26. Save at least $250.00 every month and rebuild our savings
~~27. Potty Train L (I keep putting this off)~~
~~28. Be able to park in our garage~~
~~29. Grow out my hair and go more blonde~~
30. Go out without D and L more often

Falling

2012-07-09T20:13:00.002-07:00

Today I experienced my first fall while running. It wasn't too bad, scraped my knees, bruised the bottom of my right hand where it meets the wrist, but amazingly didn't break my phone.

Hopefully I will be out there tomorrow since D and I signed up for a half marathon that takes place on his 30th birthday in October. The thing is though, neither of us have been keeping up with regular running or working out. Hopefully this will be our motivator.

In other news- we got into the preschool we wanted for L. It's only 1 day a week and parent participation, but it's so neat, very nature based. My practice is picking up and it looks like I may actually bring in some income this month- meaning I will make more then my expenses for the month. This is a big deal since my office rent doubled to it's full amount this month.

L's 2 year birthday is coming up very soon. I have yet to really plan anything or settle on a date. D and I also have an anniversary coming up and need to plan that. L has been like a little hulk- so much energy and emotion and no way of regulating it yet. He is in this new phase where he "hates" daddy when I am around. So we hear a lot of "No, no Daddy, just mommy" or "not daddy's, only mommys" - that last one is in reference to the new family iPad. Sometimes L and I will be in his bed reading and D will walk into the room and L screams and tantrums, "no, no daddy". Poor D and poor me, I can't get a break without a tantrum. But hey- L has really cut down on the hitting and hating of other children! It's so true that with kids everything is always changing...

Creeping up on two years....

2012-06-27T08:37:00.002-07:00

I haven't been blogging much...obviously.

This has been a very trying time for me with all the changes, moving, starting my practice, raising a strong willed toddler, slowly weaning, financial issues. It's incredible how much I have been thrown off balance. Just when I felt like things were picking up with my practice and I was gaining some ground financially- we get a huge expense over at our rented house. Basically washed away all I have saved up.

L is getting so big and smart - but honestly I have been really burnt out with his whining and tantrums. It's not that I can't find peace during these moments, it's that I often wake up at 6am to L staring me in the face screaming/whining. He is an early waker and it's no lie I am NOT a morning person. So it's been overwhelming for me to have to deal with the fussiness the second I open my eyes.

L and I are doing swim lessons- we are having a much better experience with L being around other toddlers/kids at the swimming class then we did at Little Gym. The water has always been his favorite thing, and maybe - I don't want to jinx it - but maybe he is growing out of that stage a little bit. Hopefully by September when he starts preschool it will be a lot better.

The weaning has been going ok- I have been nursing him on average about 3 times a week. In dire situations at night I have nursed him to sleep- but we avoid it at all costs. he still asks for it and even cries and tantrums some days int he morning. But I am working on distracting him and finding other ways to comfort him. I notice I am more emotional on the days I nurse now versus the way it used to be- where I got emotional on the days I didn't nurse. Hormones are shifting.

But the main point of this post- L is now 22 months, he is almost 2 years old! He is so quickly becoming less and less baby. We are planning on doing a small mainly family and close friends birthday party at our home. We plan to discourage presents because seriously, L doesn't need any more toys, especially since we plan on getting him a few things our selves. I know that grandparents will still get gifts- I won't take that joy away from them...

Above are a few pics of L in the wagon with his "lily muffins". She isn't a huge fan of staying in the wagon, but was compliant enough for a few pics. Below are pics of L wearing his PG&E dress up outfit- his first dress up outfit. D worked on a shoot for PG&E and they didn't need these any more so D was able to snag some new "gear".

"Innocent"

2012-06-01T22:53:00.001-07:00

We are officially weaning and it's making me a little sad/mopey. Yay for hormone changes!

Right now L is only being nursed in the morning. We decided to cut out all night time nursing first because we think it will help him sleep and also be able to soothed by someone else besides me (like daddy). He seriously wakes up and cries and screams "booby!".

In other news I'm really struggling with L's behavior towards other children- he basically hates them/fears them/hits them. And I know it's not out of aggression or rage- it's so clearly because he is fearful and mistrusting of other kids. This makes me incredibly sad- I wish my little baby could have a few more months/years of being truly "innocent". I don't think he should have to be so weary and cautious of new situations/people this young. It's hard for me not to wonder how this temperament and these traits will evolve as he grows. And I wish everyone would stop telling me how "normal" his behavior is...because where are all these other supposed "normal" kids. I have probably seen one or two children act like L- out of A LOT. Maybe their moms never bring them out because their kids hit and it's too much.

L had his early well baby Dr visit today. We are so lucky and I randomly picked a great pediatrician. L is also still growing along the same curve except in height. He had a huge gain in height and is now in the 94th percentile (usually was hovering around the 50th). L did whack a girl in the waiting room with his toy bus...I can't help but feel bad for the other kids he hits because he was so impacted by being hit.

Dream House

2012-05-27T22:34:00.000-07:00

L got a wonderful surprise today- D and my mom spotted a play house in front of a neighbors home. They check it out, see the adorable note dictated by Gracie, typed by a parent with an original artist rendition by gracie of the play house (I really should post a picture of it- it's that adorable). The note read: "You can have my house for free. I (Gracie age 7) am too big for it now."

It was in excellent condition and not that annoying faded primary colored plastic you often find in used kids outdoor stuff. So they walked it back to our house. This is a playhouse that would have cost over $300 new (but this exact model doesn't seem to be available any more). We would have never purchased it new or any where close to that price, but we are so happy to have gotten it....and for free. L is pretty happy about it too.

1st Hair Cut

2012-05-26T17:24:00.000-07:00

Done by me...

21 months

2012-05-24T09:14:00.001-07:00

L is 21 months today- Last night marked the first night he fell asleep in a bed. Ok, so it was our bed not his, and Kiki's Delivery Service was playing on the TV (go ahead judge me;)- but it's a start. The plan is to gradually get him used to falling asleep in a bed, then remove the stimulations/distractions as he gets more used to it. Then move him into his own bed and fall asleep without us. Progress....

Here is L enjoying his yogurt for breakfast while being his big 21 month old self.

It is what it is....

2012-05-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

Today I am sleep deprived- L really doesn't like going to sleep with me any more. We still walk him down or nurse him down and lately the nursing isn't working very well and the walking only works if it's someone besides me! So from 3am till 6:30am L and I were in a battle. I tried walking him down and he was practically asleep and then just picks his head up and starts chatting away wide awake...nursing provided the same result, threats of sleeping alone in his room made him pretend to sleep for 1 minute then wake up again.

Finally out of sheer exhaustion I said he was going to bed and placed him in his bed, walked out of his room, and shut the door. I wasn't even 2 feet away from his door when I heard his thumping run and then him smashing into the door screaming "mama!". I didn't go in right away, but then it sounded like he was banging his head so I went in. Finally after doing this dance for 3 and half hours, L fell asleep nursing.

I despise nights alone with L- if D is home and L wakes up, D brings him to the bed and L nurses for a bit. Sometimes we all fall back asleep and cosleep for the night. Usually however, I can't sleep while nursing so I stay awake till L has had both breasts and seems just about back to sleep. Then I ask D to move him to his bed. Sometimes D has to walk for a few minutes- yes a few minutes. If I were to pick L up to transfer him back to the bed he would wake up- I have tried and it happens every time so we just stopped.

I feel like screaming WTF! How did L turn out like this!!?! Not many other kids are this difficult to put to sleep and keep asleep at this age- or maybe they are but it definitely isn't the norm. I'm sure D and I could have cried it out with L when he was younger, but I still stand by our decision not to. Today my mom watched L so I could ~~rest~~ stress about my work alone. She got him to fall asleep in her bed- she said it took 45 min. She is coming over to tell me how it was done. I suspect it included numerous redirecting back in the bed, music, iphone games, and tv. We will see and try it here tonight. But it definitely means L needs a real bed so we can lay with him till he falls asleep. And then there's always the wondering if he will fall asleep for everyone but me.

L has been increasingly sensitive to my tone of voice and mood- if I even pretend to be upset he gets upset. So I just say "mommy's ok" to reassure him. Well during lasts nights madness my tone was not sweet and patient, but was stern and pretty pissed. L kept saying "mommy ok" in the sweetest little voice ever....it melted my heart.

In good news- we found a wonderful preschool thanks to the recommendation of our neighbor. It's parent participation, but nothing too demanding. My practice is picking up but it is also a constant source fo stress- marketing is draining, I worry about money, I worry about how good of a therapist I am- it's been hard returning to this work after such a long time mainly just chatting with babies/toddlers/dogs. This weekend my in laws begin the move out of their home of over 30 years- D was born and raised in one house...he is handling it rather well.

I really want/need a little vacation- away from technology that connects to me to my work, where I can sleep uninterrupted, spend relaxing time with my husband.....probably not in the budget for a while.

Hitting and the word "NO"

2012-05-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

Today started off great- L was in a good mood, he asked me to put on Jillian Michaels (this kid is so supportive of my exercising)- and he ate well, showered well, and we were off to Little Gym.

When we got there it was a different story- he started looking at other kids and saying "No" and going to hit them. When we were in the beginning circle and trying to "share" a bean bag L was the only one who refused to hand it off and the whole time tantrumed to get it back. This continued to the point of me being so embarrassed and frustrated that I took him out to the waiting area to see if he was hungry. he said he wanted a banana but refused to eat it and kept picking up chairs claiming they were "broken"- they weren't. Finally I decided lets just leave.

I hate this feeling- like my kid is the only one who hits and frowns at other kids while saying "NO". Or at least he is the only kid in that class/playdate/visit. I have no clue how best to redirect/correct this behavior. I do know that he was tired today at Little Gym and I have seen him being hungry trigger this.

I think D and I intervene appropriately- at least everything I have read is exactly what we do...except L probably sees a lot of redirecting our dog which isn't great. Obviously we don't hit our dog, but we do say "no" to her a lot, or "off". And we do for lack of better words- tap/push her to redirect if she is jumping on someone or about to grab food. Obviously not hard, but in the way that you learn at dog training classes. I might have to get creative with how to redirect our dog.

Also- L never hit till he was with his uncle (who is 5 months older). His uncle hit him several times and L was very upset. He also was picked on by a boy in our old moms group. After those incidents I noticed that instead of welcoming peers to be close to him, he started frowning and lashing out. It was almost as if he no longer trusted other kids and needed to protect himself.

Now if only I could let go and believe this is normal toddler behavior so I didn't feel like a horrible mom...

Rental Rescue: Mini House Tour

2012-04-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

We have done quite a bit to our little rental house- and the reality is it will never be 100% what we love, but it's getting more and more comfortable. Here are a few shots of our home- being used and lived in- having a toddler means never really having a tour quality looking home.

20 months!

2012-04-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

Today L turns 20 months- full toddlerhood, starting the "terrible" two's, talking up a storm, running with no fear, learning patience, getting ready to potty train, being able to be away from me more, lover of hugs, constant kisser, continual demander of booby, amazing-adorable-f*cking fantastic little guy.

L now calls D and I "mommy and daddy"- graduating from mama & dada- he says "no" A LOT. But recently the way he says "no" as evolved and I kinda adore hearing him say it. So it's less frustrating cause he is so damn cute.

People are always saying he needs a little hair cut but D and I don't feel it's necessary- we like watching his little waves and curls form- maybe before he turns 2. We had a housewarming party this weekend but didn't take a single picture! L started to learn everyone's name at the party and loves to repeat them. He has also been bouncing back and forth from awesome sleeper to terrible sleeper. I think his 2 year molars must be making an appearance because he is chewing on everything.

Wheels are turning for his 2 year birthday party- it's nice to have a home with a very usable back yard. Hopefully before June I can start L in swimming lessons. He likes to lay in the bathtub on his tummy and say swim while kicking in the water- seems like he is ready.

Bye friend...

2012-04-12T15:26:00.002-07:00

I don't know if there is anyone still in my life that would know him by this name, but shmerph (inbucus) passed away today. He was 14 and my first baby. He moved with me at least 15 times (even had a short stay with a friend) and he was a constant while other animals, and people came in and out of my life. I'm incredibly sad but at least he isn't in pain any more.

This came about suddenly- last week he was fine, this week he became more fatigued and then we noticed the struggling to breathe. The vet was a disappointing experience-I'm not sure if it was because they didn't want to tell me he was basically dying and be sensitive to a desire to keep him alive or if they wanted to milk some money out of me- but they ran $600 worth of tests which came to the conclusion that it's heart failure and possibly cancer. Meds would only help for a short while and he would still be suffering. We decided to euthanize him today. We decided not to be in the room due to the extra cost (which is ridiculous imo), but maybe it was a way for me to avoid my own pain of watching him pass. We were able to take his body and have created as best we could a grave for him in the front yard.

It's been an emotional few months with our pets- we have gone from a 3 pet family to a 1 pet family- I have no regrets, our dog is in a better home for him, and my cat was old and it was his time. But it's been hard...

Maybe if I have time I will write Incubus's little life story- or at least the stuff I experienced with him...