suzanne anderson

Intermezzo

2010-03-10T18:54:00.006-07:00

This being almost the middle of March, it is almost the midway point of my six month adventure in Evergreen. Tonight it's snowing for which I am incredibly grateful. It snowed two days ago and then by this morning, the sun and temperatures that edge up daily, had melted most of it. When it began snowing again late this afternoon I stood outside and watched it and wondered if one of these days I would be watching the last snow of this winter. This being Colorado, perhaps that's a bit dramatic as I've been told that they've even had flurries in June. Still, these days of snow fill me with gratitude.

Time seems to be moving more quickly now. I looked up and saw that I hadn't posted here in over a week. And when I tried to recall what I'd done in the past week, I realized that I would actually have to consult my daily diary to recall where the days had gone.

I hosted a dinner party for my book club. I completed a freelance writing assignment, my first. I've started about four different books and finished one. I've cooked and cleaned and done laundry. And yet, a part of me feels as if these days have passed by in a fog, so quickly that I haven't noticed their passing.

As I take stock of this midway point in my sojourn, my arrival seems so long ago, which is ironic given my juxtaposed feelings that time is also flying. But it does and in some ways I feel like a different person than I was when I arrived here in December, that I have changed. I'm writing more and trying new things. When I speak to friends on the phone they tell me I sound happier.

On the other hand, the rapid progress of days brings the old constant fear of what will I do at the end of May? I don't know. The fear of the unknown keeps me up at night. And then I remind myself that I've faced the unknown before and somehow, things always come together at the right time.

Interview Time

2010-03-02T08:08:00.011-07:00

One of the best things about blogging are the amazing people I get to meet. Although I may never meet these people in person, they have quickly become friends who are sharing the journey, who become cheerleaders, and sources of wisdom.

Recently I have become a fan of Erika Liodice, who is the author of Beyond the Gray, a blog that is one part 'follow your dream' inspiration for everyone and one part one writer's personal journey toward publication.

Every month Erika interviews one of her readers by sending them five questions in which they are asked to describe a dream they are pursuing. This month was my turn. So if you click on the link above, you'll go directly to her blog and be able to read my responses to the five questions about my current journey.

But before you leave.....I decided to turn the tables on Erika and asked her to provide answers to the same five questions as a way of introducing her to all of you. And she kindly agreed.

Please take a moment to read her answers below and then head over to her blog. While you're there, take a look around. It's one of the most inspirational blogs I've read, and a real bright spot to the day.

All the best,

Suzanne

Q: Tell us about yourself and your dream.EL: My name is Erika Liodice and since graduating from Lehigh University almost seven years ago, I’ve been on a quest for the perfect job. I’ve sold everything from vaccines to virtual worlds and I currently work at an advertising agency in Bethlehem, PA, where I manage a handful of B-to-B accounts. What have I learned on my journey? That there’s no such thing as the perfect job. Luckily, I’ve landed in a place where I’m surrounded by creative people, working on projects I enjoy for great clients. Plus, my schedule allows me to pursue the things I love in my free time, particularly writing.

My dream is to be a best-selling novelist. Like many writers, I wrote my first book when I was about five years old. I don’t recall the title, but it was about a little girl with 18 brothers and sisters who all had to share one bathroom. (Talk about conflict!) It was illustrated and everything. When I showed it to my grandmother she said, “I think you’re going to be a writer one day.” And her words have echoed in my heart ever since.

Q: Describe a “gray” time in your life.EL: I suppose I first stepped into “the gray” in college. Initially, my heart was set on art school. I wanted to paint, draw, design, photograph and write. My soul was bubbling over with creativity and I couldn’t wait to translate my passions into a formal education. But soon the critics started voicing their opinions. Art school? How are you going to make a living off of that? And so on. I became acutely aware that the world is designed for business people, not creative soul-types. And so I headed off to business school where I grappled with finance, economics, statistics, and other left-brain courses, squeezing in art classes whenever I could.

The next big question in my life was: what should I do after I graduate from college? The summer before my senior year, my family took a vacation to Australia. As we explored Sydney and hiked the Blue Mountains, I wrestled with this question. I was bound for graduation in nine months and I was engaged to be married just three months after that. Everything was falling into place and the future seemed promising. My only dilemma was that I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. Correction: I knew what I wanted to do, but I was too afraid to listen to that insistent little voice inside of me. My heart begged me to follow my creative inclinations but without so much as a Fine Arts minor, that seemed less and less realistic. On the other hand, the pharmaceutical industry seemed a good match for my business degree and had all the makings of a “real” job: a salary, health benefits and a healthy 401k match.

I puzzled over it the entire time we were in Australia: follow the money or follow my heart? My dad made a compelling case for the pharmaceutical industry, but when we arrived in the Outback we met a fellow traveler named Andra. Irony of ironies, Andra was an artist. Naturally, she defended the case for following my heart. In the last few days of our trip, I found myself in a little bookstore staring at a book entitled, “The Book of Answers.” It was like the magic eight ball of books – it had to be 700 pages or more and it was filled with all kinds of zany answers to whatever question you wanted to ask. Ok, I thought. Why not? And so I placed my right hand on it’s cover and asked the question that had been simmering in my mind the entire trip: should I follow my heart and pursue a creative path? I took a deep breath, opened to a random page and the only world that was staring back at me was…YES.

I would love to tell you that I came home from Australia, followed my heart and have lived happily ever after. But I didn’t. I came home, finished school, got married, and accepted an offer into a management development program at a big pharmaceutical company. I followed the money. And, as a result, it didn’t take long for ”the gray” to envelop me completely. I floated in the gray for three years and then I switched jobs to a start-up technology company. I told myself it was a better fit but it wasn’t. I floated there for two years but during that time, something good happened. I started channeling all of my disappointment and regret into creative projects, one of which was a novel. I changed jobs again about a year and a half ago and now work for an advertising agency, where I’m surrounded by other creative people and I’m able to continue my developing my business career while also focusing on my dream to be a writer.

Q: How are you working towards your dream?EL: Slowly but surely, I’ve been working towards my writing dream in my “free time.” I squeeze in 5 a.m. writing sessions before work and have been known to write for 10-12 hours straight on a Saturday. I recently finished my second novel and am now in the editing phase with the goal of seeking representation this spring. I’ve also had a handful of travel articles published by The Savvy Explorer and Lehigh Valley InSite, and am busily working on proposals for other article ideas. Last but not least, I run a blog, Beyond the Gray, which is a motivational resource for anyone who is chasing a dream.

Q: What fears and challenges have stood between you and your dreams? How are you working to overcome them?
EL: Pursuing my writing dreams while working full-time has been incredibly challenging. It’s not easy to get up at 5 a.m., write for two hours and then put in a full day’s work. Often times it’s a sacrifice, forgoing a lovely Saturday spent outdoors with my husband in order to write.

Another big challenge I’ve faced is the “chicken before the egg” paradox of the literary world…agents and publishers want to work with writers who have been published, so how does a new, unpublished writer break in? My approach has been to get articles published whenever possible in order to build the credibility that agents and publishers are looking for. Given the fact that I have very limited time to write, I would much rather focus on writing novels, but I realize how important the articles are too.

As far as fears are concerned, my biggest fear is that nagging question that rattles around in the back of my brain from time to time: what if I’m not good enough? That’s a tough one to talk yourself out of. That’s why it’s critical to have loving, supportive and honest people around you to give you a self-confidence boost when needed, but to also help you manage your own expectations.

Q: What inspires you to keep pushing forward when the going gets tough?EL: The most inspirational thing for me is talking to other people who are chasing a dream, whatever their dreams happen to be. That’s why I started Beyond the Gray. I'm hoping other dream chasers will join the conversation and share their experiences so we can support each other, learn from each other, and grow together.

Q: If you could give one piece of advice to someone else who is struggling to move beyond the gray and follow a dream, what would it be?
EL: Don’t float along in the gray for too long. If you’ve got a dream burning in your heart, take action today. Begin by mapping out a path for how to acheive your dream and take the first step. Do at least one thing, whether big or small, to work toward your dream every day. As Confucius said, “a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

It's Snowing in Evergreen and there's Elk in My Yard

2010-02-25T19:44:00.008-07:00

Last weekend it snowed off and on for the entire weekend. The result was this beautiful, but fleeting display. By Tuesday, when the sun had come out the snow was still on the ground but the strong Colorado sun was quickly revealing the brown patches of pasture beneath. Luckily for me, it started snowing again this afternoon. A light dusting, perhaps no more than an inch or two, but I'll take it. I'm still holding out hopes for a real substantial snowfall like they've had on the East Coast.

On Monday as we set the table for lunch, we looked out the kitchen window where normally we'd see Chickadees and Stellar Jays feeding from the birdfeeder. Instead we were greeted by eight elk who apparently have developed a taste for the sunflower seeds that get knocked out of the feeder and onto the ground. They were having quite a party and we're so thrilled with the easy meal that when I stepped in front of the window, they looked at me as if I was the curiosity.

As you can see below, one clever elk decided to go straight to the source. And quickly cleaned out the entire cache of sunflower seeds that I'd just replaced that morning.

And then there's Coco. She's got a special place in her heart for the birdfeeder as well...she's convinced that one of these days her incessant barking will persuade those birds to come down and play. Although I don't trust her intentions, they may be closer to those of the Big Bad Wolf toward Little Red Riding Hood.

How lovely it is to be in the snow. I wouldn't mind if it lasted all summer long!

25 February 2010

2010-02-25T19:39:00.002-07:00

Excellent day. Went for a walk first thing this morning with Coco. Met one of my neighbors at the end of the road and actually engaged in conversation, not bad for not yet having coffee. It was sunny, though there were enough clouds to remind me that we were due to have snow this afternoon. The dirt road was snow covered but thankfully not slick. Coco seemed to enjoy the walk as much as I did as she ran along the side of the road sniffing what I'm sure were the scents of not other dogs, but other animals that make their home in the woods that separate each home in this area.

I spent most of the day applying for corporate jobs and freelance writing jobs. FIve of each. The best part was that these were jobs that I would enjoy, both on the corporate side and the freelancing. I even went through the Ladders website to send out my resume to 20 of their recruiters. Today I finally managed to do what I've imagined, to dig deeper in the job hunt and pursue more meaningful contacts.

This evening I went to work on my novel and wrote another two pages. I'd love to reach 60,000 words by the end of the month or the end of next week. Tomorrw, I'm going to switch it up and write in the morning.
Still to do: Push ups, sit ups, make progress in my book club selection.

24 February 2010

2010-02-24T22:33:00.001-07:00

Took Mom to the airport this morning. Spoke with her this evening, she's safely back home in Fort Lauderdale and already missing me and the beauty of Evergreen. The house is a lot quieter without her here, but I hope she will enjoy the next six weeks with her friends. Then she'll fly back here and then off to Hawaii for a month to celebrate her friend's 90th birthday. Not bad for 84!

Can I match that energy? Let's see how much I can get done in the next six weeks. Today, two pages written in my novel. Twenty five sit ups. Ten push ups.

22 February 2010

2010-02-22T21:27:00.002-07:00

After a rather depressing blog post, today was a better day. I got up and got to work at my computer first thing. I started with pursuing jobs at elance.com, I applied for seven new assignments. I believe now that bidding on jobs, composing proposals for the work, is a learning process, so rather than get discouraged if I get rejected, I will now consider that I am simply learning what to do better next time and one step closer to acceptance.
Second, I am staying with my commitment to the writing schedule I made for myself at the beginning of the year and have written a minimum of one page in my novel today. It's taking longer to write one page than it did to write two yesterday simply because I'm moving into new territory, unplotted, and the place in the novel for more suspense, something has to happen that will propel the action for the next few chapters, but I'm not sure what yet.

Completion

2010-02-19T22:10:00.003-07:00

This year, so far, has been one of begininngs. I moved to Evergreen, Colorado, I've undertaken a job hunt, I started writing again, working on a novel that I'd abandoned a year ago halfway through, and I've established a freelance writing business and am now looking for assignments. And while I am enjoying each of these endeavors, and trying to enjoy the 'journey', my heart longs for completion, for successfully obtaining a job, for a sense of attaining a goal.

When you are going through the daily, seemingly neverending hamster wheel of applying to and never hearing back from prospective employers, one aspect of the frustration is a sense of never having a feeling of accomplishment. In fact, I think this is the most difficult aspect of the process, the open-endedness of longing and wondering if and when I will achieve my purpose in being here.

For this reason I've discovered that there is an important need to devise tasks where I can have a sense of completion, of getting the job done, even while I'm waiting for a larger job to get done. That is where the usefulness of smaller milestones comes in handy. For instance, I have weekly page count goals with my novel that I strive to achieve. They are purposefully modest, a page a day or five pages a week. If I hit the minimum great, if I can do more than that, better still. I set the same type of goals with my daily applications to jobs and freelance assignments. The best part of the day is after I've accomplished those daily goals. The worst part is late at night when I start to worry that despite my efforts I feel that I haven't accomplished anything real.

What I'm struggling with right now is believing that past or current rejections will not last forever, that ultimately I will be successful, that I will find a job, that I will find a writing assignment, that I will ever see a novel published, that I will ever own my own home in the mountains.

Every night before I go to bed I read a page or two in a variety of inspirational books such as the classic THE GAME OF LIFE by Florence Scovel Shinn, or THE PURPOSE OF YOUR LIFE, by Carol Adrienne. Lately I've been reading Joel Osteen's latest, IT'S YOUR TIME. Last night I read, "God never aborts a dream. We may give up on it. We may delay it. But the seed God put in you never dies. All it takes is for you to believe once again." My greatest challenge right now is believing once again. And without some sense of accomplishment, I'm not sure how to believe in the absence of its evidence. Yes, I know, that is the very definition of faith...but how does one keep on believing in the absence of positive feedback? That's the crux of it for me.

18 February 2010

2010-02-18T21:44:00.002-07:00

Today was a productive day. I wrote 1000 words / 4 pages in my novel and applied to 5 jobs on elance.com. Now I'm going to read The Historian, a 650 page novel that we chose for our first book in my new book club. The only problem is that I'm only on page 175....hence the need to turn off the computer and open the book!

Thank You

2010-02-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

Last Friday I posted a quick blog about Mom and I heading down to Jewish National Hospital to get some tests run and then dashed off a research question I had for a scene I was writing in my murder mystery, which I didn't have time to figure out because of that day's adventure.

You all generously chimed in with suggestions. And this past Sunday when my computer broke down, I finally had time, by necessity to go to the Evergreen public library to do that research. And of course, you were right on. In fact, the librarian showed me a reference page on the library's system that quickly took me to the State of Colorado's business license look up which allowed me to easily find the history of a local business.

I want to thank you all for your helping hand.

Today, we're heading back down to Denver to JNH, for another blood test that will measure the effectiveness of the cardiac medications that Mom's taking, her last blood test before she heads back home to Florida for a couple of months. Before I head out, I also want to thank you all for your encouraging words. Encouraging words are fuel for the journey and inspiration to do more and better. This road would be much lonelier without your friendship. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

15 February 2010

2010-02-15T20:31:00.003-07:00

Yesterday was quite a day. My computer died. This is the third computer that has died in the past year. Either I'm spending way too much time on the computer or I've just had a run of bad computer karma. First my Dell laptop died after 2 1/2 years of good service while I was doing my MBA. Then my HP laptop died within a couple short months of ownership. I got the hard drive replaced and gave it to my nephew as a going off to college present. I then bought a Toshiba netbook which I loaded up with Norton 360 and McAfee anti-virus software because in each of the previous computer failures, my hard drive died and the thought was that perhaps it was due to a virus.

Being very careful not to open any videos or strange websites and with the addition of the security software, I thought I was safe. Apparently not. The Toshiba is still under warranty so they will replace the hard drive, but sending it off means that I would be without my computer for a few weeks, as well as losing everything on my old hard drive.

A couple positives came out of this adventure. My files had been backed up on Norton's storage area online. I spent last night working with their technical service department to get them restored to the computer I bought yesterday at Wal-Mart. Luckily, I'd previously added a monitor and keyboard to my netbook to accomodate my poor eyesite and big paws, so all I had to replace was an inexpensive tower. I'd also backed up all of my photos to Picasa, google's free photo storage area, as well as storing my documents on a thumb drive I keep in my desk. The other positive was that this event forced me to finally go to the public library where I was able to do a little research, and yes, confirmed the good advice of my blogging friends regarding the 'mystery question' from last week.

Last night when I went to bed exhausted, I was also grateful. I counted the days events with gratitude that everything worked out well in the end despite my initial frustrations. And while the assistance the tech support guy offered didn't succeed in downloading my files properly, this evening I figured out how to do it myself and my files are now safely back on my desktop.

I'm also thinking of switching to an Apple.

12 February 2010

2010-02-12T17:23:00.005-07:00

After my first month in Evergreen, I realized that I was lonely and needed to do something to meet new friends. That need became the impetus to create a book club via the innovative services provided by meetup.com Not only did I have eight book and wine loving people show up at the first meeting, through another group I joined on meetup.com I met a new walking buddy. Lessons learned: 1) if you want something in your life, take action: intention + action = results, 2) the Internet is truly a wonderful resource for accomplishing #1.

After two months of applying for jobs without results, my ego was bruised and I wanted a way to take control of my productivity. While reading an article in Entrepreneur magazine last week, I came across a mention of elance.com, a website which creates a marketplace for freelancers and those seeking their services, to meet and create. So, today I hung out my shingle.

While I will continue to apply for 'traditional' corporate jobs, I am excited to also begin an entrepreneurial endeavor that will allow me to expand my career horizons, work at becoming better at something I love (writing) and feel productive again. I even created a free logo at vistaprints.com (which you can see above) because I like to dream big!

I still worry about the 'what will I do when my lease runs out at the end of May' scenario. Yes, it would certainly make my life easier if I had a great paying, regular job by then and even a house picked out to buy. If I don't I'll have to make some hard decisions. I am grateful, however, for the gift of this period of uncertainty. It has forced me to take risks I wouldn't otherwise have taken and expanded my horizons into areas I only dreamed of. So with the fear, there is an excitement to see where this unexpected path leads.

10 February 2010 and a Mystery Question

2010-02-10T21:41:00.001-07:00

I'm going to be gone all day tomorrow, at the National Jewish Hospital in Denver again with Mom making the rounds of doctors visits. Everything is fine, in fact, we love how thorough they are, we're just doing the follow-up visits to last week's MRI of her heart.

Along with my other 'little' business project, I've been working on my murder mystery. I've begun playing with a new twist in the plot and there is a question that I know at least one of you very smart people out there will know the answer to:

If I wanted to find out how long a local business in a small village had been in business, for instance, or to look up their business license to see whose name was listed there, would I go to the library, the Chamber of Commerce, or the municipal government offices?

Anyone know the answer?

8 February 2010

2010-02-08T20:34:00.003-07:00

Finally a good day. Okay, that's a bit dramatic and not true. I mean, today was a good day, but the 'finally' is a bit too much. There have been other good days here, I'm just too tough on myself to acknowledge them unless they're good on my terms.

Enough with the confessional/definitional, back to the good day. Today I have finally taken a positive step in taking control of my career. A friend of mine (L.) has told me that I'm not allowed to elaborate on projects/interviews/kissing frogs until they come to pass so that I don't jinx the outcome. So, let's just say that I am taking steps which will allow me to work for myself, or at least to dip my toe into the water and see how it goes....

I will still continue my daily job search for more 'traditional' corporate jobs that I can do remotely (read: at home or in Paris, Hvar, Friday Harbor, etc.) but I'm excited to give this a try and see if it generates a little pocket money or a full-fledged financially independent career. Fingers crossed.

7 February 2010

2010-02-07T18:03:00.006-07:00

Brave Suzanne.

A lighthearted aside.

It's snowing in Evergreen today. Ah, finally. Snow. How long has it been? 2 weeks? 4 weeks? Long enough so that the last snowfall has begun to melt and brown patches of tall grass interrupted my normally snow-covered fields. So, yes, today's snowfall however light, made my day.

As to the 'brave Suzanne' headline? Mid-afternoon I decided I had to have Buffalo wings to eat while watching the Super Bowl. So I bundled up and got in the Hummer and drove to the supermarket. I thought, what a brave girl I am to venture out in this snowstorm to get the makings for wings.

ha.

What a Florida girl I am.

As I drove by the lake at the center of town, I looked over to see at least fifty brave souls not letting a light two inches of snow curtail their afternoon of ice skating.

And the supermarket was packed.

Brave Suzanne, indeed.

God the Father

2010-02-05T22:11:00.005-07:00

First, I want to clarify that I am a big fan of a verse from the book of Genesis which paraphrased states: "Abraham feared the Lord, and it was credited to him as righteousness". A fear of God is something I live by, not a cowering fear, but certainly a healthy respect. But that is one facet of my complex relationship with the Almighty. My relationship with God is often times like that of a daughter and a father. Often times a bratty adolescent daughter....

I admire those writers who seem to have a deep and abiding relationship with God, where they regularly hear Him speak to them through prayer, or the Bible, or through others. Their faith is unswerving and reinforced by these regular communications. My relationship with God has been more complicated, often hallmarked by God's silence and my petulant rants. The most common manifestation of this being my nightly talks with God late at night when I walk outside and stare up at the stars and ask God why I haven't heard or seen an answer to my latest pressing prayer. This dialogue has gone on for years and yet the result remains the same.

There have been moments of greatest frustration that have caused me to turn my back on God, as a child folds its arms over its chest and says to its parent, "I'm not talking to you anymore!" and then looks over its shoulder just to be sure the parent is still paying attention. That's me. I'm pouting, I'm stamping my foot, I'm shouting that I've had enough and not ever going to say another stupid prayer again in my life, because obviously no one's listening. And then I peek over my shoulder and repeat my threat again, just for good measure.

And this is when I'm sure that God laughs.

Because God knows me all too well. That I find my one sided dialogue with Him too irresistible to ever stop. Too hopeful, to ever stop hoping. Too lonely, to ever consider the silence that would grow larger without those prayers.

I have seen the hand of God in small ways and in large. I have watched my needs provided for when I was willing to be guided, to act sensibly, to take action. I have seen my mother healed when her doctors made grave prognosis. I have seen myself mature over the years, to 'put away childish things' and accept responsibility for my actions and to understand that over night sensations and miracles are usually built on a foundation of hard work. Still, I feel as if I have prayed the same prayer for a career to call my own and a place to call home for fourteen years without an answer and I have cried in frustration, 'why not this prayer, the one that means so much to me, why can't you answer this one?'

Parker J. Palmer writes in Let Your Life Speak, that during his own search for meaning and silence from God, he turned to a life-long Quaker for advice:

"Ruth," I said, "people keep telling me that 'way will open' Well I sit in the silence, I pray, I listen for my calling, but way is not opening. I've been trying to find my vocation for a long time, and I still don't have the foggiest idea of what I'm meant to do. Way may open for other people, but it's sure not opening for me."

Ruth's reply was a model of Quaker plain-speaking. "...in sixty-plus years of living, way has never opened in front of me...But a lot of way has closed behind me, and that's had the same guiding effect."

When I think of all the doors that have been closed, sometimes in the most painful ways, I wonder if that is another way that God speaks to us. And that as Parker J. Palmer goes on to say, that when we encounter those closed doors we need to turn around and look at all the doors that remain open for us to try, rather than getting stuck in a dead end. I like that perspective, to turn around and focus on all the possibilities that remain open to try, new paths that we would not have considered if we'd received our first choice.

My hope is that my prayers are being answered. Perhaps in small incremental steps that I take each day and which are so small that I cannot see my progress, but which someday I will look back on and see that I have found the answer and see God's hand guiding me all along.

And God laughing. At. Me.

5 February 2010

2010-02-05T17:45:00.000-07:00

Today was spent at Jewish National Hospital down in Denver. Mom had an MRI scheduled as well as visits with two doctors. Everything went well and we'll hear the results of the MRI of her heart next Friday when we drive back down to meet with her cardiologist.

While I sat in the waiting room, I took advantage of the time away from my computer by reading Down to Business: The First 10 Steps to Entrepreneurship for Women. This book provides very practical advice for every step of the start-up, written by Clara Villarosa, who started and ran a very successful business when she was laid off from a high profile bank job at the age of 52. The nuts and bolts of business start-up are interspersed with stories of real women who created businesses both small and large.

While I don't currently have a specific idea that would provide the impetus to start my own business, it's something I'm extremely motivated to try, if I could conceive of a viable business. So, why not be prepared, just in case?

4 February 2010

2010-02-04T20:33:00.003-07:00

The best part of my day is the last part of my day. That is when I finish with the job hunt and allow myself to open the file that contains my novel in progress and as I stare at the blank page, I allow a new part of the story to unfold. I can't explain what a pleasure it is when that mysterious process happens. One minute I am looking at the last sentences of a chapter and wondering where the story needs to go next. And the next moment I am creating that story out of thin air. I don't know where the ideas come from but when the first glimmer of a thread shows itself, I gently grasp it and begin to type and slowly step forward and see where it leads.

That is when time stands still or flies by or loses its shape and form altogether. And when I've finished my writing for the day, I'm really happy. For the first time in all the years that I've been writing, I'm not putting any pressure on myself. I don't care whether this novel is ever published, I'm not telling myself that everything is riding on this book. I'm writing for my own enjoyment, because although it's already 275 pages long, it's only halfway through and it's my first murder mystery, so it's a new genre and a new adventure. All of these reasons make it a pure pleasure.

Since these entries are about my journey to create the perfect career, let me add that the feeling that I have when I'm writing is what I would love to feel when I am in my right career.

Launch of the Evergreen Vine and Book Club

2010-02-03T21:49:00.001-07:00

Last night I hosted the first meeting of the Evergreen Vine and Book Club. It was a great evening with eight new members joining the group and we're expecting another 5 or so in March! I wanted to share with you a recap of the evening that I've sent out to members, as well as a picture of our participants. This turned out to be a wonderful way to meet new friends. After this experience, I highly recommend meetup.com as an organizational tool to set up local clubs and to find friends with similar interests.

Hi Everyone,

Last night we had the first meeting of the Evergreen Vine and Book Club! What a great group of men and women showed up to create a fascinating evening of conversation, wine and books. The evening started with a meet and greet around a table of wine and appetizers, we then moved to seats around the fireplace for our discussion of books. The atmosphere was relaxed and everyone contributed to a lively discussion of what we should read as our first book. If you weren't able to join us, don't worry, I've included our book pick below and we are looking forward to meeting you at our meeting in March!

Half the group was interested in non-fiction, specifically history and science. The other half was interested in fiction, with an interest in historical fiction, bestseller, and the classics. In the end, Lindsey, one of our very avid readers, suggested a book that captures the interest of both groups.

For the month of February, we've chosen THE HISTORIAN by Elizabeth Kostova. Since the book was published in 2005, you should be able to find it at your local public library, it's also available in hardback, paperback, audio and ebook at all price points. For instance, on amazon.com, you can find used copies of both the hardback and paperback for as little as $0.01 + $3.99 delivery.

Here's a brief description of the book from amazon's website:

In 1972, a 16-year-old American living in Amsterdam finds a mysterious book in her diplomat father's library. The book is ancient, blank except for a sinister woodcut of a dragon and the word "Drakulya," but it's the letters tucked inside, dated 1930 and addressed to "My dear and unfortunate successor," that really pique her curiosity. Her widowed father, Paul, reluctantly provides pieces of a chilling story; it seems this ominous little book has a way of forcing itself on its owners, with terrifying results. Paul's former adviser at Oxford, Professor Rossi, became obsessed with researching Dracula and was convinced that he remained alive. When Rossi disappeared, Paul continued his quest with the help of another scholar, Helen, who had her own reasons for seeking the truth. As Paul relates these stories to his daughter, she secretly begins her own research. Kostova builds suspense by revealing the threads of her story as the narrator discovers them: what she's told, what she reads in old letters and, of course, what she discovers directly when the legendary threat of Dracula looms. Along with all the fascinating historical information, there's also a mounting casualty count, and the big showdown amps up the drama by pulling at the heartstrings at the same time it revels in the gruesome. Exotic locales, tantalizing history, a family legacy and a love of the bloodthirsty: it's hard to imagine that readers won't be bitten, too.

We will discuss THE HISTORIAN at our next meeting, Tuesday, March 2nd. We'll also be picking our next book at that meeting. Our next book will be non-fiction, so please come prepared to suggest a non-fiction book you'd love to read! Also, THE HISTORIAN is a long book, so if you don't have time to read the entire book by our March meeting, or if it's just not your cup of tea, please come anyway, you'll enjoy meeting new people, good wine, and food and conversation that covers books and non-book interests as well.

You are welcome to bring a bottle of wine or an appetizer to share with the group.

I want to thank everyone who came to our first meeting. For those who were unable to join us because of last minute work commitments, we missed you and look forward to meeting you in March!

All the best,

Suzanne

BOOK GIVEAWAY UPDATE: Well, sometimes you just can't give a book away! There were no takers for DON'T LETS GO TO THE DOGS TONIGHT, so I'll take Larramie's advice that this is a sign that either it's meant to remain on my shelves or I've yet to meet the person to pass it on to. Believe me, I even tried to give it away last night at the book club meeting and guess what, no takers!

3 February 2010

2010-02-03T17:38:00.001-07:00

On Monday, after another day of applying to jobs, I sent an email to Marc Cenedella, President of The Ladders.com, a job hunting website that I subscribe to. In addition to running that site, Marc sends our an email newsletter and runs a blog with job hunting advice.

My decision to send an email to him was completely spontaneous. In fact, what I did was send him a copy of a recent post I wrote after the President's SOTU address in which I lamented the lack of progress I was having with my job hunt and my resulting frustration.

Remarkably, I received a reply from someone at the Ladders within 24 hours, a detailed email full of suggestions on how to better use their website to improve my job search as well as encouragement to contact them with any questions I might have. I also received a follow up email from Marc.

The point of this post is twofold:

1) Sometimes, perhaps more often than not, if we are proactive we achieve amazing results that do indeed help us to move forward in our projects.

2) Customer service is, or should be, a company's most valuable asset. The Ladders showed that my membership and my feedback was valued. That's how you attract and maintain customer loyalty.

Mindful Thrift - and - A Free Book Giveaway!!!

2010-01-29T22:09:00.013-07:00

There was a time when I was the queen of Neiman Marcus. Back in the day when I worked on Wall Street, I went to Neiman Marcus twice a year, Fall and Spring, to buy my business suits for the season. I bought five suits with matching blouses and spent what now seems like a ridiculous amount of money.

My priorities and circumstances have changed a great deal since then, (not least of which is that one of my life goals is never to wear a business suit again in my life). Back then my cosmetics were from Chanel and changed with the seasons. Now, make-up is less of a concern as I work from home. But these purchases also reflect the self-absorbed consumerism that drove my spending habits. I developed pet spending projects that became obsessions. When I took a trip overseas, one of the highlights was buying an Hermes scarf on the plane ride home. But then, if I had one scarf, wouldn't two be even better? And then there was my Steiff period in the mid-nineties, when I became an ardent collector of Steiff teddy bears. If I bought the Steiff Collectors Club edition for the year, shouldn't I also by the next special edition that came out for the holidays?

Luckily, over the years, my money habits have changed along with my consumer desires. I've come to appreciate the pleasures of saving and investing rather than spending. I have learned how investing even a small sum every month, also known as dollar cost averaging when investing in the stock market, can add up to a nice sum over the years. I've come to appreciate the satisfaction that these small measures can bring over the momentary pleasure of retail therapy.

Which is not to say that I've stopped shopping, but I've learned to shop for bargains. For instance, in Evergreen our only big box store is a Wal-Mart. There I found a $7 black puffy jacket in the mens' department that worked perfectly when the temps dropped, in fact, I bought two extras for my brother and his wife for their visit in March. We also have a terrific thrift store that is run by volunteers from local churches and which uses 100 percent of their revenue to fund a local charity for people in need. There I've purchased a lambswool Ralph Lauren sweater for $8, with the store tags still attached. I got a gently used Le Creuset dutch oven for $4. I'm happy to report that I have donated more than I have purchased, which not only helps me to keep my closets filled only with clothes I actually wear, but also provides a nice tax deduction for charitable contributions. But my favorite part of every thrift store visit is serendipitously finding a book I've been thinking of or had on my list at amazon, there among the thrift store shelves for $2 for hardbacks and $1 for paperbacks. This magic trick has been so consistent with each visit that I now look forward to sitting in one of the comfortable wing-back chairs in front of the shelves and waiting for the book du jour to appear before my eyes.

Admittedly this focus on thrift has become sharpened in the past few months since I have been without a job. However, rather than feeling deprived, I feel grateful that my needs are being met in an abundant, yet affordable way. (When I arrived here woefully without pants that were suitable for the cold weather rather than the Florida warmth I'd left, I was lucky to find and buy four pairs of corduroy pants for an average cost of $6 per pair over the course of a few trips to the thrift store. Not only were they wonderfully priced, they happen to be made of the finest corduroy I've ever felt.)

This thrifty mind-set actually became the impetus to help a local business owner with the suggestion for a new product offering for his soup and sandwich shop. When he included two thick slices of homemade bread with our take-out order for soup, I brought the slices home and turned them into rustic croutons which I then took back to his store and told him that he could use the butt ends of the loaf that he would normally discard to create croutons to sell with the soup as an additional source of revenue for the store.

My evolution toward thrift by choice (and by need) has taught me a lot about how I want to spend my money, why it matters that I become more mindful, not just when I am not working but more importantly once I am working again. I realize that another context of this mindfulness is an acceptance that I am older, am single, and need to secure my financial future. But it is also a realization that there is a certain freedom that comes when you accept responsibility for choosing where you spend your money and what you choose to have in your life as a result. For instance, those Hermes scarves are no longer a great priority (though admittedly I treasure the ones I have), but travel will remain a luxury worth saving for. And lest you think I've joined the monks in a cave in the side of the mountain, I do still enjoy a nice bottle of wine, but I've learned that I have to choose where to spend my money. I still have a long way to go before I find approval in the eyes of Suze Orman, but I am now living with fiscal eyes wide open.

BOOK GIVEAWAY: This morning I finished reading what is now one of my favorite books of all time. And ironically, it is a book that I found last week at, you guessed it, the thrift store! The book is: DON'T LET'S GO TO THE DOGS TONIGHT: An African Childhood by Alexandra Fuller. When I picked it up and read the back cover it dawned on me that I'd first heard of this book a few years ago when it was reviewed in Oprah's O magazine. At the time it resonated with me because Ms. Fuller now lives outside of Jackson, Wyoming, one of my favorite places on earth. However this tells the story of her remarkable, hard-scrabble childhood in Africa. The back copy reads in part:

From 1972 to 1990, Alexandra Fuller grew up on several farms in the remotest regions of Africa. Three of her siblings died in childhood-only she and her sister Vanessa survived. While their father was away for long stretches fighting on the side of the white government in the Rhodesian civil war, their mother managed the farming work with a fierceness and passion fueled by a love of life, and an almost illogical love for Africa....A worthy heir to Isak Dinesen and Beryl Markham, Alexandra Fuller writes with brilliance, humor, and overwhelming affection for her African childhood.

In honor of the magic of thrift store finds, I'd like to give away this wonderful book. The copy is an ARC paperback. All you have to do is leave a comment below. I'll randomly choose a winner next Wednesday!

29 January 2010

2010-01-29T19:10:00.004-07:00

Today they announced healthy GDP numbers showing a 5.7% growth in the 4th quarter, quickly discounted by news commentators as an indication of inventory replenishment rather than a necessary predictor of job growth. This news seemed to be reflected by the job notice emails in my inbox. There were fewer than usual and I found that in more than one instance, when I clicked on the hyper-link, I was informed that I'd already applied to the job. That was a bit frustrating because I wanted to make more progress in the job hunt and feel that each day not moving forward is a day wasted. So today became a day of housekeeping, going through papers that had accumulated on my desk, writing, and other mundane but necessary tasks that keep our lives in order.

There are a couple jobs that I have (previously) applied to that I seem to be still under consideration for, which if I were given the opportunity, would really enjoy. At the same time, there continues to be in the back of my mind a desire to figure out a career that would enable me to be self-employed. I don't know what that is, or if I am qualified, but it is there (a gently nagging voice) in the back of my mind.

28 January 2010 aka God is My Headhunter

2010-01-28T14:02:00.002-07:00

Last night the President said that for all the success stories he'd heard about how the economy was turning around he also knew of people who 'sent out resumes every day and got no response'. At that moment I thought he was speaking of me. Before I moved to Evergreen, I truly imagined that as soon as I started sending out resumes in December, I'd have a job. I thought for sure I'd be starting my new career in January. I'd visualized the job I wanted, 'getting the call', even going to work, or better yet, working from my computer at home.

The reality has been quite different. It is now quickly closing on the end of January and I have not received one positive response to the resumes I've sent out, the jobs I've applied to, the online job boards I've joined. What I have received are daily emails from resume writing services, resume distribution services, services that promise to put my resume in the hands of recruiters, or to help me write a cover letter that will land job offers with just 'one magic line' that apparently the other thousands applying for the same job are missing.

The worst thing about the job hunt is the toll is takes on my self-esteem. I have an MBA that I earned with a 3.9 GPA. I've been an Assistant Vice President for a Japanese Investment Bank, I've taught overseas, and worked in Commercial Real Estate, and yet, day after day I wonder if at 47 I am too old to be hired for the jobs I've applied to, or if the diversity of my work background is actually working against me. This morning I woke up at 5am. This is what happens when I've got a lot on mind, I wake hours early and then the flood of worrying thoughts begin. I try to counter them with positive thoughts or prayer, and if that doesn't work, I turn on the morning news and let the white noise cover the chatter in my head.

Last night, my evening devotional read 'let go and let God' and I'm trying to do that. I also got up this morning and applied for more jobs and posted my resume to more job sites. Let's see who produces results first, me or God...

26 January 2010

2010-01-26T16:36:00.003-07:00

I missed Every Day Do On Thing, I missed the single-minded purpose of that blog and felt that it has become an important log of the move and career journey that I started last year. So I am going to continue posting there about my career creation and then bring the posts over to here as well so you don't have to jump back and forth. By the way, I'm also working on a new post for this blog on....well, you'll see tomorrow.

Today I applied for two jobs with an online learning company that creates curriculum for homeschooling parents and kids. The job is curriculum writing and reviewing which is actually something I done in the past when I was teaching overseas. I would love this job. It would enable me to write, to work on educational subjects, and I would be able to do it remotely, which is one of my primary desires.

This past weekend and then again this afternoon, I spent time reading one or two of the career guidance and exploration books I recently picked up: The Purpose of Your Life, and the more career specific The Pathfinder: How to Choose or Change Your Career for a Lifetime of Satisfaction and Success. There are times when I actually feel guilty taking time from my day to work my way through the exercises in the book. However, for the majority of my working life, I have chosen jobs because they were expedient, because they were available, would provide a reliable paycheck or because they were the type of job that I thought I should take. I have had some great experiences as a result but I have yet to find the job that is in synch with my passions, that makes me say "this is what I was meant to do with my life". And that is what I want most now....I have felt this way for years but this is the first time that I have taken the time to really pursue the journey in a step by step way.

What makes the journey difficult and makes me second guess myself is the nagging fear of time slipping away or my six month lease being up before I have a job, of the need for a source of income which often makes me think I should simply go for the reliable paycheck instead of the grander vision....because what if I choose wrong or fail?

On the other hand, how do I keep that fear from paralyzing me into either inaction, not taking the chance to try for the job I really want or a starting a business on my own, or choosing a convenient job rather than one that I will really love? Even writing about this has been difficult because I hate to admit my own fears and weakness. One of the greatest questions I have is: I admire entrepreneurs so much, and would love to own my own business, and yet I've never tried, I completely doubt my ability....I say to myself, 'oh, you don't have the personality for entrepreneurship'. Is that a correct assessment or how do I get around that fear and move forward?

Only my determination to take action each day will make a difference. Which is one reason that I am making time to work through those books and think about the decisions I make as well as taking real action steps each day.

Can I Get My Kindle with a Deckle Edge Feature?

2010-01-22T11:57:00.009-07:00

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks." - William Shakespeare (Hamlet)

Yes, yes, I know....I'm writing another rant about the Kindle? Geez, why don't I buy one already or just shut my pie hole?!

Because I don't have that much self-restraint.

This afternoon I went to amazon.com to order a copy of Richard Russo's Empire Falls after reading mention of it in Donald Maas' Writing the Breakout Novel Workbook. Maas used a short excerpt from the book to illustrate how to create a character's inner conflict. And I was blown away by the beauty of Russo's writing, which sent me scurrying to amazon to buy my own copy of Empire Falls.

There I was confronted with the choice between a hard cover edition with deckle edge pages and the paperback. While I LOVE deckle edge pages, love the feel of them, somehow they feel more ''book-y", I ultimately chose the paperback version by Vintage Contemporaries because the cover art just spoke to me. But that simple decision brought to mind one of the pleasures of reading 'real' books compared to e-readers. Reading is an incredibly tactile experience, which engages not only our mind but also our eyes, our touch, even the smell of the ink and paper can add to the experience.

Considering the amount of time I spend at my computer each day, I doubt that I would qualify as a neo-Luddite. For the most part, however, I believe that I would miss the tactile pleasure of reading too much to switch from the paper page to the electronic back-lit display. On the other hand, if I ever go on another two week cruise, there's an excellent chance that an e-reader of some sort will be packed in my carry on luggage. And if Apple comes out with a full color multi-media platform (google: 'Apple Tablet') that also serves as an e-reader, it would be revolutionary for college students who could now get their textbooks downloaded in minutes with full-color illustrations...wonder why this beats Kindle? Imagine you are a medical school student in an anatomy class....color coded illustrations are pretty important.

So I see the e-reader as a temporary solution for avid readers and students rather than something one would adopt on a permanent basis. Or am I wrong? I would love to hear from anyone who has switched to an e-reader for everyday reading. I am very interested in how long-term users feel about their reading experience. Do they now use the e-readers exclusively? Do they switch back and forth between the traditional and new technologies?

Am I like the wealthy German merchant, who when confronted with the 'new' Gutenberg Bible replied: "But I could never give up my illuminated manuscripts?"

Yet, e-readers are a game changing technology for the publishing industry. And for that reason, I am incredibly fascinated with e-readers from a business model perspective. I feel as if I am watching history when I read the almost daily articles that discuss how e-books and e-readers will change the publishing industry. Beyond, simply which company will bring out the best platform, there are fascinating questions about intellectual property: what is a book,? does it consist only of the content between its covers, or is it a stand-alone product, like a vacuum cleaner? Now that e-readers have turned that model on its head, who owns the rights to the book?

Which is why I was fascinated by these paragraphs from a recent article in Publishers Marketplace, regarding the interesting new developments that are being negotiated ahead of what is widely anticipated to be Apple's foray into the e-reader, media platform business:

Though initially resistant to a new paradigm, by multiple accounts Apple has agreed in principal to do business with publishers under what is called the agency model--as opposed to the wholesaling model currently in place for ebook sales and most physical book sales. In the agency model, the publisher is considered as keeping possession of the actual goods (the ebook files) and it pays a commission to its authorized selling partners. So the publisher sets the retail price of the ebooks, and the commissioned agents have no ability to change that price. Ebooks sold under the agency model would be offered to any established trading partners who agree to the commission and other particulars.

Given that publishers, agents and even retailers have already skirmished over whether ebook sales are a traditional sale or a license, and given the completely different nature of selling access to a digital file versus a physical object, there's plenty of room to argue that a new selling model is only logical and overdue.

While some consumers might resist publishers' pricing under this model, it is a way of offering ebook owners access to new high-profile releases simultaneous with hardcover release. And regaining pricing control over the biggest books that sustain publishers, authors and retailers alike. It could also lead back, at least for a period of time, to a differentiated marketplace--where different ebooks cost different amounts, and to the extent that publishers experiment with enhanced or extended ebooks also offer different kinds of material--as opposed to the commodity marketplace now in place that suggests all new books and bestsellers are likely to cost the same thing.

Under a certain logic, such a new system of selling would actually expand the network of retailers selling ebooks since losing money on top titles would no longer be a pre-requisite to doing business. At the same time, publishers hope, it would provide readers broad access to new titles in ebook form while not undercutting physical bookstores as they struggle to survive. But it would interrupt the implicit bargain that has driven ebook device sales--invest in an ereader, and get cheaper books.

--Publisher's Marketplace, January 19th, 2010

There are a couple points in this article that I find fascinating: first the idea that what is being sold is not a physical object with a transfer of ownership coming through the sale of one unit (book), as with a standard book sale, which the owner of the book can then give away or re-sell without consequence, but instead a limited license that allows the transfer of the content of the book only without transfer or future sales rights.

Does this new model help or hurt the author in terms of payment for sales, will it result in more units sold and thus higher revenues, or because the units are sold at a lower price, will it be a wash? Or will this open the floodgates for self-publishers, thereby increasing supply and perhaps lowering the advances and perhaps royalties that publishers are willing to pay authors?

This morning the top five Kindle bestsellers on amazon were all free. Perhaps one spot of good news, The Help by Katherine Stockett was listed at number six for $8.65, only a dollar less than the hard cover price. Does this mean that less well known authors can break into the bestseller ranks by offering their books for free? If so, they gain greater exposure and more eyeballs, but how do they get paid? Do they rely on the hope of sacrificing short-term revenue to build readership for future revenue generating books?

As an avid reader, all of this is immensely interesting to me and the speed at which technology is transforming the publishing industry is awe-inspiring. I can't wait to see how it all shakes out. And yes, I'd love to have a job in the middle of it all.

Until then, if Jeff Bezos would like to send me a Kindle-DX to try, I'd be happy to review it here, same goes for Steve Jobs and the new Apple Tablet. Since I'm currently not working and in the midst of a job hunt, buying one isn't in the necessities column. Which means that until that product review opportunity comes along, I'll just have to head back to the library (free) or the thrift store ($1 for paperback, $2 for hard cover) or amazon's used books ($.01 plus $3.99 for delivery, which is what I paid for Richard Russo's Empire Falls...can't for it to arrive!).

Good News, Part One

2010-01-20T16:09:00.001-07:00

This morning as I checked my email, I received a wonderful surprise:

Dear Suzanne Anderson,
Congratulations! Your story is published.
Have a look.

Hot Flashes and Middle Age Angst

By Suzanne Anderson
Isn’t it ironic how middle age means you start developing the voluptuous rounded belly of a fertility goddess at the very same moment you start…

SEE YOUR PUBLISHED Story NOW

If you'd like to read the story, please click on the link above, or here.

The story is actually from a post I wrote last November based on my experience with the joys of hot flashes and what it meant to be a woman of a certain age. I submitted the article to More.com and forgot about it. Which is why today's email was such a pleasure to receive. After my post yesterday about the patience that is needed when applying for jobs and not receiving any positive feedback to my endless applications, this little bit of recognition was a very welcome surprise. (For the record, that is not me in the picture above.)

As to the mention of 'Part One' in my blog title, that's my fingers crossed optimism that more career good news is on the way.