Occasional Rants, Raves, and Praise

An Old Post:What Postpartum Depression Feels Like To Me

2013-03-12T02:03:00.000-04:00

Months and months ago, actually more like a year ago, I wrote this crazy intense blog post. It started as a journal entry, and then it grew into an anonymous blog post that I was going to submit elsewhere. Then that post never actually happened. Well, lately I've been reading a lot of motherhood blogs and this topic has popped up. So I dug this up and read it through and pondered the idea of posting it here. It's okay I think because honestly I don't have more than a few readers and most who do read here know that I tend to temporarily lose my mind with motherhood anyway. So here I am, posting an old but still very relevant and raw post about me with the hopes that it might strike a chord with someone else.

Trying to find the best way to write about something that is absolutely no fun is well.. it's no fun. So I'm just going to come right out and say it, this will not be a funny post. Seriously. No fun at all. Still here? Alrighty then, buckle your seat belts, it might be a bumpy ride.

"Here, have a hanky."

When people think of postpartum depression there seems to be a stereotypical image attached to women who suffer from it. Even I fall victim to it. I picture a blubbering new mother, engorged breasts, hair not done, baby screaming away while she sits in the hallway wishing her husband would walk back through the door to rescue her and all the while wondering why she can't stop crying. It's almost comical to think of. Unfortunately the baby blues can run much deeper but when you're not in the depths of postpartum depression it's easy to forget the reality of it.

Sometimes it's best to explain something when you're still in the middle of it all. Sometimes it's best to describe it when the emotions are still raw; when the experience is so real that you wonder if you'll ever come out of it. It's also helpful to write about what you're feeling because it can be releasing and will also give you something to look back at and help you remember after it's all over. These are the reasons that I've journaled about depression in the past and partially why I'm blogging about it now.

Here is my gritty, grimy glimpse of what postpartum depression looks like from my very dreary vantage point. From this time on I'll be referring to PPD as "IT" because PPD sounds so clinical, like something that all those other people get, not something that an experienced mother of three would have. The problem with this is, any mom can suffer from IT.

Here's a snapshot of what IT can look like.

It can be just waves of hormonal weepings. It can be as simple as tears that fall freely and often for stupid reasons. One second you're wondering how you could possibly be so happy and blessed and the next second you're crying because you're so happy and blessed.

It can feel like hopelessness. So dark and so impossible. Like you'll never feel any happiness again. Maybe you lay awake at night wishing that somebody would fix you. Maybe you lay awake crying. It's possible you never sleep because you're so consumed with miserable fears. Or it's possible that sleep is the only relief you have and you do it most of the day and night.

Or It can come as a dark sadness that makes you feel as though nothing will ever be what you expected it to be. It can make you doubt your decision to wear that shirt with those pants. It can make you doubt your decision to get married. It can make you doubt your sanity. It can make you doubt your faith in the Lord.

You might be saying "nothing could shake my desire for children or my faith in God".

Um. Ok. I believe you, or at least I believe that you honestly believe that.

But you're wrong.

As another sign of IT, you could feel as though everyone hates you, including God for a reason as simple as your husband not getting home in time for you to go out and get a hair cut. And even though it's not logical you'll still feel angry and jaded over it.

It may not even always be constantly bad either. You could think that you're having a good day, and then all of a sudden you realize that your son wet the bed and you have extra laundry to do... and somehow that turns into you wanting to rip his head off. And maybe tumble it around with his sheets in the dryer for a while.

You see, postpartum depression can sometimes come with irrational anger, to the point that you have to start a cartoon dvd, put the darling little angels in front of it, and walk away before that anger becomes dangerous.

Or maybe the new baby never stops crying. His screams make your ears bleed. You break out into stress induced sweats every time he squeals. He cries, and you cry and neither one of you ever stop crying. And you can't seem to make him stop. Nothing you do helps. And then to add insult to injury, he stops crying the second someone else picks him up to hold him. Your least favorite cousin who smells like rotten cheese can make your baby happy but you can't. Nothing makes you feel like a better mom than that. (do you hear the sarcasm dripping off those words?)

If these pictures that I've painted seem extreme to you then just take them as a warning of what COULD happen. Not every birth is accompanied by "IT". Sometimes it's worse than others.

I can talk about it freely because I've seen the light at the end of the tunnel. If you're reading this and you're currently in the middle of "IT" then take comfort in knowing that this too shall pass. Now might be a good time to talk to your doctor if you are identifying with some of these feelings. Now would definitely be a good idea to ask for help elsewhere as well.

1. Find a friend who's been there. Most moms can sympathize in some way. Just find one who's willing to be open and honest with you about it, not one who would feel the urge to fake perfection. If you seriously don't know anyone then email me. I'll give you an ear to cry to.

2. Find a friend or family member to spell you for a bit. I'm sure there is someone who would love to hold that baby of yours while you get some quiet time. Friends, neighbors, family, church family.. there are many women in this world who are out of their own child bearing season and miss that feeling of holding a sweet baby or playing with a toddler. If not then put the baby in his crib for a nap, shut the door for twenty minutes and go take a hot bath. Even that time will make a difference. I've personally learned that it's best to walk away from an older sibling before disciplining them or even correcting them, and give yourself a few minutes of calm. It's never a good time to deal with a child when you're at the end of your emotional rope.

3. Take care of yourself. I've learned that IT seems to get worse when we feel like WE aren't being taken care of so put some make up on and try to feel pretty. Persuade your Dream Man to give you a back rub. Get your hair done or paint your toenails. Buy yourself new underwear. (don't roll your eyes, new underwear always makes me feel better about myself) Get as much rest as possible. Get as much fresh air as possible, which means you're going to want to get dressed and go out for a walk or sit with your baby under a tree on a sunny day. Get yourself some Vitamin D. Is it the dead of winter? Well find some good nutritional supplements. Eat well. Eat real, healthy, food. If you barely get the chance to grab a cookie before having to change a diaper or nurse a baby, let alone make a real meal then keep some sliced cheese and fruit on hand instead of junk food. Read a great book or watch a great movie. It's amazing how sometimes you just need to clear your mind of mental clutter and emotions for a while and "reboot". Then after your mind is clear you can fill it full of even more important stuff like the Word of God. And above all PRAY. God is with you in this dark place, and if you ask him then he'll shed light and send people to help you through. Don't be afraid to cry out to him.

4. Give "IT" time. Every woman and every pregnancy is different. I remember feeling a little down after the Aidan was born. It lasted about a month, with the worst of it being just sentimentality. I cried when I thought of how quickly he'd be grown, and I cried when I watched Old Yeller. Go figure.

Aidan was almost three years old when his sister joined us and he was high maintenance. Something about his misbehavior made me angry. So not only did I feel sad, overwhelmed and lonely for several months, but I also felt guilty because I was constantly mad at him. It was a dark time. There were a few "easy days" in between. Usually they were the days when my husband was home to help out. More often than not the days were heavy and scary. I remember finally talking to some people about it and the relief that in itself provided. They reassured me that I wasn't the terrible monster of a mother that I felt like I was. I made it a point to spend some loving time with just my little dude on occasion and that helped too. It reminded him that I wasn't always such a meanie and it reminded me that sweet children like him come from childbirth, not just depression. Finally a few months later the joyous moments started to outnumber the overwhelmed ones.

Now with Caleb's arrival I'm still in it but it's much lighter. I have my anxiety, some tears and some days when I wish I could run away. I've woken Mr. P twice now in the middle of the night just to put in a tearful request for a hug. One day I handed him the baby and said "I'm going out"... and returned from the store feeling "human" again, if that makes sense. Caleb had some complications surrounding his birth and I confess that I burst into tears when I knew the nurses weren't looking after he was readmitted once. And when I found out that my sweet little Vivi had been hiding Caleb's pacifiers in the dirty diaper bin and the dirty diapers in the cereal cupboard I almost had a complete meltdown trying to fix the whole mess. In general though, I'm able to mentally tell myself that I wouldn't trade any of this mess or the kids who made it. Some of the relief comes in knowing that it will all pass and that when the storm clears my messy house will still be there to attend to. My husband will still love me. My kids will forgive the fact that I've not been the most understanding mom. I just have to keep trudging on and have faith in the fact that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Postpartum depression is one of those times when nothing makes sense. You can somehow feel completely alone and lonely even though you are almost never alone, in fact you haven't even been able to use the bathroom without interruption in weeks.

BUT. I'm here to tell you that you truly are not alone. We are with you. (We being millions of other moms who have walked this path.) He is with you if you allow him to be. (He being the Creator of everything that is.) Trust me, HE is definitely the one you should ask to carry you through this. And when you're on the other side of this mountain you'll see more clearly.

*Out of love and concern I have to say that you should always talk to someone. These emotions can be scary and out of control. You don't want to hurt anyone because of a depression of any kind. There's nothing to be ashamed of and there are even people trained to help get you through spots like this, especially if you feel like you might be dangerous to yourself or your kids. Be sure to reach out for help... and if you find yourself even wondering if you need help then you probably do.

What's for lunch and When do we use math anyway?

2013-03-05T19:09:00.000-05:00

Math is one of those subjects that homeschoolers are constantly stressed over. Will my kids fall "behind"? Will they be able to keep up with the standardized testing? If you follow a boxed curriculum, it will tell you what to teach and when to teach it. What happens if your son doesn't catch on to multiplication on schedule? Well you stick with it? What if weeks pass? You fall behind on your curriculum? You're stressed because you know you're behind?

That last part gives me hives. It's probably why I don't follow a boxed curriculum. I'd get to a point where I "should" be wrapping up a unit but I'd refuse because he wouldn't be ready. Or he'd be enjoying himself too much. (Don't ask how long we've been reading Lewis and Clark books. The boy's going to live in Montana some day I think.) There is still stress associated with my style too though. We use some different workbooks but I don't follow a schedule. We just progress when he's nailed something and when life brings it up. For example, before he even learned his double digit subtraction, he learned basic multiplication. Why? Well because a game we were playing needed sets of 10, so we learned how to multiply by 10. Does it matter that he went out of order? I'm pretty sure that if a kid in a First grade class room down town had shown interest in multiplication because of a game he was playing, the teacher wouldn't have changed her curriculum plan to teach him multiplication. Well let's be honest, she couldn't because it wouldn't be practical. But I can, because this education is tailored to Aidan.

I've been thinking about the age old question of when we actually use the math we learned in school. Now, for the sake of argument, let's ignore the relatively small percentage of graduates in the U.S. who actually choose careers including advanced mathematics, like statisticians, physicists, math teachers and the like. Instead let's focus on those of us who may simply use math as part of our daily work.

Believe it or not there are a lot of us. Some would say I'm exaggerating because they never had advanced education in it. For example, your average construction worker probably wouldn't claim to be proficient in math. I am willing to bet that if he looked closely he'd realize that his knowledge of right angles, precise measurements, roof loads and other such skills really would be impossible without math.

The waitress who works at the diner in town would probably say she doesn't use half of that stuff. She does, however know how to calculate a tip in her head faster than you can pull out your fancy cell phone app to do it. The lady baking the homemade pies out back? She can figure out how to triple a recipe using fractions and compound fractions at lightening speed.

What about other types of math you ask? Well a doctor, pharmacist, or nurse uses math all the time. I understand that much of it used is with a calculator now days but in theory when a person is calculating the dose of medicine there is a formula used that's not much different from the x = 2 + zy style things that many of us detested in high school.

Let's not leave out people in the finance fields. Bank tellers calculating deposits, loan officers and investment experts all know how to use math, from basic to advanced. Do they have computers and calculators? Certainly, but they at least know where to plug the numbers in to calculate that Return on Investment or that Monthly Interest.

So what's my point here? We use math. We actually use it often. If someone like myself, a home schooling mother who isn't necessarily following the suggested public school schedule of learning, wants to prepare her children for a life of math usage, will she be able to?

My answer? Yes. It's not about when you learn it, it's about retaining that which you need. It's about a kid who wants to be a statistician being able to specialize in math in high school and take college by storm. It's about a creative writer who wants to write children's books being able to retain the logic behind the math but not waste her time by doing countless worksheets of xy-437q=5ab, where a is the cosine of whatchamacallit. (Let's face it, those of us who did those countless worksheets.. could you do it now? Not without learning it all.over.again.) It's also about raising mathematically capable children. Kids who understand basic math and understand that those letters stand for something, and that if you replaced the letters and you performed all those mathematical functions you'd get an answer. Kids who if they don't like math, they are still knowledgeable enough to buy a calculator or use a program that does it for them.

Does it matter if they learn in order according to the public school's plan for kids?

Well. I guess it would if the public school experts had the only proven successful methods. Wait, strike that, if they had a proven successful method at all. Did you know that the U.S. ranks like 30th in the world in math grads? But that's another rant for another day.

Wouldn't it be great though if kids learned the logic behind Math in ways that they love, whatever they may be? A game inspires multiplication? Great! Building a model is how he learns his measurements? Fantastic? What is key here though? Paying attention to what they love. Let's face it, if you dismiss their interests as unimportant or trivial compared to academics you are losing the most valuable learning window. I remember a high school teacher I had who constantly made sports references and compared math problems to sports. I bet he had a few kids who will always remember certain things from his class because of it. I remember a history teacher who taught by telling stories from his grandfathers. I remember a ton of stuff he taught because he spoke my language. (What can I say, I love a good story)

As an older kid it might look like a kid being interested in how the stock market works so he learns how some new formulas work. He has the basic logic and he likes to learn because it has purpose. It might be a kid who wants to be a statistician for the New York Knicks. He picks up a statistics text and learns how Carmelo Anthony's shooting percentage is calculated. If a girl wants to be an accountant but drags her feet through geometry you might want to try skipping it and letting her dive into business math classes. Will it really hurt if they are usually taught in senior year instead of at age 15?

People always wonder why kids hate math so much. Well wouldn't you hate math if you had to sit at a desk and stare at numbers for hours? For most of us, they aren't what we love. But if they are learned through life, particularly the parts of life we enjoy, well then they are at a bare minimum tolerable for us. (Somewhere out there someone is grumbling about balancing their bank statement right now.)

So if we teach kids logic, and we let them learn organically by finding math in the things that they love rather than making them do the same worksheets over and over expecting enthusiasm and understanding, maybe they will remember. Maybe they'll even be more tempted to pursue a career in math without being intimidated by it. It will be more like applying what they love to a challenging college class than having to drag themselves through all these challenging college classes to find a career that they hope they want.

As a homeschooler, I'm choosing not to stress. It isn't about creating a math genius who knows all the answers. It's about teaching a child to find any answer he needs. I don't remember every logic or geometric proof that Mrs. French had us writing out in tenth grade math. I know that I could do it again after a review with the book though. A bunch of "if p, then q" statements and I'd be right back in the game.

In Aidan's view, it all boils down to lunch. "If" there is tomato, meat, and cheese in the fridge, "then" there will be a turkey sandwich for lunch. "If Not" tomato, meat, and cheese in the fridge, "Then" there will be egg salad for lunch. Easy peasy right? Just find what they love.. and this boy loves lunch.

Water, Cookies, Faith, and A Boy

2013-01-16T06:52:00.000-05:00

Aidan is my son. He's seven and he has a huge heart. HUGE. As in the biggest form of big.

I love him for it. I love him so much that when he gets ideas I just go along with them because I want to be supportive and encouraging.

This is what happened back in the Fall when we looked at the Compassion gift catalog together. Aidan started reading all about the things that people needed. Then he asked about the ones marked "urgent needs" and when he realized that clean water was one of these urgent needs he made a decision.

I saw it in his face, it was dead set on doing something. He informed me that he was going to have a bake sale to raise money to buy water filtration systems for these people. (Notice the plural in systems, as in he wanted to buy a bunch of them.) He knew who was going to bake for him too, and that would be his loving mother.

Long story short, I talked him into limiting his "menu" to a few different types of cookies. He talked me into marketing for him on Facebook. He looked at me with those big blue eyes and said "I want to make, like a thousand dollars for these families, and your cookies are the best!"

Now at this point I was internally thinking "Okay, I can do this for him. After all, if he makes the $79 it takes to buy one water filter system, that's making a huge difference in one family's life." I definitely wasn't planning as big as he was. He, on the other hand, was praying and planning like crazy.

So I put the offer up on Facebook that we would make a dozen cookies for anyone who donated $8 to our cause. The orders started coming. Donations were made. Some donations were made from people who didn't even want the cookies. Many shocked us by giving extra. Some people even ordered repeatedly. To be honest I never knew I could get sick of baking cookies, but these fantastic people proved to me that I could.

Word spread and throughout the whole month of November I found myself baking several times a week. My husband's coworkers heard of what Aidan was doing and they made donations. Other people ordered theirs to serve the week of Thanksgiving. It was incredible.

All of a sudden the total was rising and rising. I remember praying with Aidan one night and he sort of chuckled at me and said "Well didn't you believe that I was going to make a bunch of money for these kids?" It stopped me in my tracks.

I hadn't believed. I had humored him, yes. I had prayed for his success, yes. But I had no solid belief. I just thought that it would be cool IF God did something miraculous through him. HE knew that God definitely was going to do something incredible.

Aidan's water project taught me a lot about faith. Faith is about eliminating the "if's" in our prayers and just knowing that it will happen. I am so grateful to the people who helped Aidan to make a difference. He purchased 10 water filter systems for families in third world countries. Ten families will have clean water for life because he saw a need and did something about it.

I know that it sounds cliche to say that I am humbled by what happened during Aidan's water project. People are always humbled by the generosity of others right? It isn't easy to come up with a better word to describe what I feel though. Even now when I think about it, I feel incredibly humble. And inspired. I feel inspired to be the kind of person who doesn't wonder about all the reasons why something might not succeed. I want to be the kind of person who just prays for help and then moves forward, KNOWING that help will be waiting.

After all, if a seven year old can make a difference then the rest of us certainly should try.

A Reminder That There Is A Choice

2012-10-18T19:04:00.001-04:00

This is funny, but there's so much truth to it. So many consider public school their only choice but in truth all we have to do is make the decision to do something different.

Friendships in the Storms and Sunshine

2012-08-29T16:27:00.004-04:00

Not long ago I made it a point to analyze and work on the kind of friend that I am to others. One thing I recently noticed was that I do not desire to be an opportunistic friend. The friendships that I have need to be cultivated in ways other that the rare occasional invite that serves my purpose.

There is a common rationalization about seasons of life that we've all used when talking or thinking of a friend that we've lost touch with. You know what I'm talking about. "Well, we're in different seasons right now." Or another use is "This is just a really busy season for me."

These rationalizations are all true. There are such seasons of life that we walk through. The problem with this is that many friendships can't survive these dry seasons if the friendship is not built on the right things and fed properly.

Which begs the question, how am I feeding my relationships? Do I call my friends when I need help with something? Do I realize that I need a babysitter for my kids so I call a great friend and ask for the favor? Do I place a call to her when her aunt dies to express my condolences and make promises to get together for lunch but never follow through? Do I realize her strengths and handily invite her over the day I need to get a certain task done?

op·por·tun·is·tic adj.

Taking immediate advantage, often unethically, of any circumstance of possible benefit.

Is this harsh? Well maybe but it is the truth that I have friends who I see a benefit in and that I take advantage of that benefit. I think we all do it. It's part of being a friend when we help each other out with workloads, etc. The problem is that a friendship based on these things won't survive those tired and busy seasons.

But that's not the friend that I want to be!!!

I have been thinking about how to feed these friendships so that they don't starve during the hard times of separation or busyness. There is the obvious choice to be more selfless, but what does that look like for an imperfect person?

Well to me it means not waiting for that perfect sunny opportunity to spend time with a friend. I need to choose the less perfect time. The time when I'll have to drop everything important in my day to talk to a gal who needs a friend. I'm going to look around at the storm going on in my life, or their life, and I'm going to say "Hello Friend, why don't we sit this one out and have a cup of coffee for an hour instead?"

It sounds obvious right? But you'd be surprised how little it happens. Usually the storm rules instead. The stress of life. Kid stuff. House stuff. Family stuff.

I'm not saying that I think that a friendship should trump all that. I am saying that occasionally you need to just sit with a friend with no motivation besides spending time with her. Put the other stuff on hold for an afternoon. That time that she spends with you? It will stretch miles into a healthy friendship. It will help her to realize that you love her for more than just her willingness to paint your living room or her hands that do your dishes after a birthday party. Just a little bit of that kind of effort will stretch so that you'll be the kind of friends that can go for six months without speaking and yet when you are able to pick up again you still feel comfortable sharing your joys and pains with each other. You may even be the one that she calls when she's hurting and nobody else seems right.

This is what I need to do. I need to close the doors on that storm and sit in a soft chair with my feet tucked up under me while laughing with a friend as we watch our children build a blanket fort in my messy house. I need to wrap my hands around that hot cup of coffee as if there is no other chore that my hands are needed for. I need to hug when hugs are needed and encourage her when she's at that point of heaviness, not when it's convenient for me to get together. I need to pay less attention to hospitality or atmosphere and more to the worry that's her eyes and heart. The rewards will be richer than any convenience that would come from me being opportunistic. I will be a real friend.

Advantages of Home Education

2012-05-07T02:53:00.001-04:00

Advantage #4625: Human relationships are more important than school.

My dad is on the far right with 3 of my uncles.

When my father stops in during the day to see the kids we can all sit down and hear a story about something that happened with his brothers when they were boys. That's one thing that wouldn't happen spontaneously during a school day if the kids weren't home. It's also something that is more precious than a dozen scheduled school days.

Wheels, engines, levers and gears

2012-04-20T15:28:00.000-04:00

There are days when even the most deep and intellectual learning can't compare...

...to a hands on demonstration of what the different working parts of an old tractor do...

...even if it means sharing the steering wheel with your little sister who insisted on wearing her nightgown of all things.

Learning to Read: Aidan-style.

2012-04-12T10:28:00.000-04:00

Every so often I talk to someone who is astonished at the idea that "I" think that I could teach my kids. I'm okay with it because I admit it, there are days when I can barely get out of my house with shoes on all of our feet. In fact, not too long ago there was a day when I literally drove all the way to town only to figure out it was the wrong town. I had made a right to head one way when I should have made it a left. It was fine because there are grocery stores in both towns.. except for the fact that I didn't have my purse with me. I had carried a baby, a diaper bag, a coupon organizer, a tote bag packed with bottles of water and snacks and V's dance bag all in my arms as well as prodded the two bigger children with my knees to get them in the van. I had NOT however grabbed my purse. The girl at the store looked at me with confusion as if to say "How hard is it to remember your purse?". Clearly she doesn't have 3 kids and isn't over 30.. or she's one of THOSE people. We won't discuss them. They are a different breed.

I digress.

My point is that as I've said before there is nothing special about me. I did go to college but I guarantee you that it barely, if at all, made me any more capable. Educated yes, but capable no. The only thing that sets me apart is that while I may not pay attention to my surroundings ~~very well~~ at all, I do pay attention to my kids. In paying attention to my oldest I was able to figure out early how he learns.

One of the most common wonders that people express is the idea that I will have to teach them to read. Most seem to at least grasp what it would be like to teach a child who already has the basics down but teaching them to read seems impossible.

When Aidan was a toddler we had a dvd that played silly songs. You all know them, have seen them, or maybe even own them yourselves. They can be annoying. The upside is that he loved music and he learned the ABC song and loved it. Then an aunt bought him sponge letters for the bathtub and he started spelling out the alphabet (in order because of the video) on the side of the tub. He loved to feel them and would run his finger around the letter, ghost drawing them himself. That's how he learned to identify them. As he got used to them we would tell him "B makes a BUH sound" for an example. He learned quickly which letters associated with which sounds. I didn't push the reading because I knew we had time for that.

When he was about four years old we sat outside a restaurant waiting for Michael to pick up a pizza. Aidan started asking what the signs around us said. At first I just obliged him and finally asked him what he thought they said instead. He answered that he didn't know because he could only read one letter at a time. I explained that if he took all those one-letter sounds and blended them together it would make the word. I listened from the front seat as he quietly said "Puh-ih-zzzz-ah. No that can't be right. Puh-eee-zzzz-ah. Puheeeezzzzzzaaaah. Pizza? PIZZA!!!"

That's pretty much the whole story. He read every sign that night. He wasn't good at it of course because there are many tricks to the English language and words like stromboli and marinara are not easy. He did sound them all out though.

Fast forward two years later to when I started "1st Grade" with him and you would see him sitting down with a story and reading it aloud to his sister. He sounds everything that isn't a site word out, occasionally yelling "Hey mom, what does p a t i e n c e spell?" Sometimes he understands and recognizes things because of the context they are in. Other times he just gets stumped.

Does he read fluently? No. Is he a boy-genius? Yes. Just kidding!!! Ha! No, he's not a genius but my point is that he learned. It didn't require a masters degree and it didn't take a rocket scientist to teach him. I just had to pay attention to the signs that he was ready and I had to follow his lead as to how he learned best. He likes to interact with a teacher, to touch things, to figure them out. He's hands-on whenever possible and if he does things once himself he'll remember how next time. If I just were to tell him how to do something he would forget within twenty seconds.

I still read to Aidan. That probably won't ever stop because he likes to listen to stories and let's face it, him reading isn't the most time-efficient way to get through a novel yet. But it is fascinating when I get distracted during Johnny Tremain and he takes over and reads a whole paragraph out loud.

The fun of watching Aidan read his own birthday cards.

Or when he reads a really advanced word and my first reaction is "How did you know that? Have you seen that word before?"

"No mom, I just read it. Didn't you hear me?"

"But how did you figure out it was that word?"

His answer: "Well you taught me how to put the pieces together and it ends up being that word. Can I have a snack?" Simple as that. Life really isn't as complicated as we make it sometimes.

I'm linking up to the Learning to Read blog hop over at Winging It. Hop on over and check out the other stories about different ways that children learn!

The Importance of Art

2012-03-19T09:00:00.000-04:00

We love art here. In fact we tend to make everything into art.. but consider this, if you don't use creativity assignments aren't you simply regurgitating information? We prefer to take an assignment and use the instructions as ingredients to create something out of. That is how we foster original thought. We want our kids to take the information they learn and apply it to life, rather than just copy it down from a book to another piece of paper. Not only is Aidan allowed to read aloud from books about trucks and heavy equipment but he's also encouraged to give presentations using his toy bulldozer and paint watercolor pictures of 18 wheelers. We learn important art concepts through things that he's learning about already and then other times just through true-to-form art projects. Life is full of beautifully created things, and why shouldn't school echo life?

Homeschool in the Wilderness

2012-03-18T08:03:00.000-04:00

I can't lie, learning at home isn't always fun. In fact, if you ask my kids they will tell you that sometimes I yell at them. Occasionally I feel like I literally float outside of myself and watch this ugly monster of a woman having some sort of mad panic attack.. I wonder who she is, and where she comes from. I wonder what must have provoked this beastly woman to storm out of her cave in the wilderness to scold such cute little kids who really only want to use permanent marker to change their favorite shirt from pink to black or who have been told a hundred times today to pick up the same toy from near the steps. I can almost feel the throbbing of her ankle as she sprains it after carrying a load of laundry down the steps and landing on said firetruck at the bottom that never was picked up after all. I watch her and I think "Wow, I hope my life doesn't end up like hers because she's one angry bird." (which by the way, those birds are ticked right off aren't they?)

Just when I'm about to start plugging my ears to keep from hearing my own crazy voice, the kids seem to do something or God seems to do something or maybe she just loses her voice from the ranting.. and there's a minute to recollect thoughts.

School work seems to take a detour and whatever those poor little kids might have been learning about just gets pushed aside. I see the She-beast still red faced and looking broken as she puts coats and shoes on the little people and takes them out the door. I follow and half wonder if she's taking them out to the woods to abandon them or taking them back to her cave. They walk through the trees and I notice that she's holding their hands and the fresh air seems to be helping her demeanor. They kneel down and I watch them take pictures of moss on a log, the littlest one running the tips of his fingers over the fuzzy green stuff and laughing. Then they take turns walking along logs as if they were a tight rope, having a blast and she is laughing with them.

All of a sudden the boy looks up towards the sky and something catches his eye before he ever gets to the blue and the clouds. I hear him clear as a bell say "Mom, that tree has the chicken pox!" and I can't help but smile as does the She-Beast. She takes a picture and explains about the woodpecker holes in the tree. They continue to walk down along the creek banks tossing stones in, looking at fossils and occasionally taking pictures.

Our woodpecker neighbor really left his mark.

They return back to their home looking all around refreshed. The oldest boy quickly cleans up his toys on the stairs before researching woodpeckers online. He learns all sorts of interesting facts and then he journals about them, along with the other stuff he saw. By the time he's done with his nature study he gets the urge to whip out a tape measure and take down the dimensions of the refrigerator for some strange reason... I brace myself for an explosion over what seems like a nonsense way to spend learning time. She doesn't explode though, instead she tells him how proud she is that he knows how to use that tape measure because some day soon he'll know how to build things and maybe even be a carpenter. He answers that with a firm denial. He apparently wants to own a trucking company instead and just wanted to know how much room that fridge was going to take up in one of his trucks. Within a flash he's writing up advertising for his future trucking company, spelling most of the words himself and asking for help with the harder ones.

The woman seems more human as the day passes. By bedtime she tucks them in and prays with them. The kids hug her like she is the cat's pajamas and she tells them that every single day is awesome because she shares it with them.

And suddenly the She-beast doesn't seem so bad. In fact, I find myself hoping and praying that every one of my nights turns out just like hers.

What Our Homeschool Looks Like, Part 3 1/2 Of Seuss and Friends

2012-02-24T13:02:00.000-05:00

Welcome again to my insanity. This is not what I planned for Part 4. (Hence the 3 1/2) You see apparently gathering a list of all the resources I use is a bigger chore than I thought! For not being a by-the-book-schooler we learn from a lot of different directions.

So instead of continuing as planned I'm embracing the unexpected by showing you what partying looks like homeschool style.

When a six year old learns to read, he likes to read the fun stuff. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Dr. Seuss is the epitome of fun. Back in the Fall we read Horton Hears a Who and Cat in a Hat (a few pages at a time) and then watched a production of Seussical at a local theatre. It was really fun and the kids just loved it.

Not too long ago it seemed time to go back for some more silliness and so we broke open Green Eggs and Ham. The good part about Aidan reading Dr. Seuss is that he can read it, slow but sure, and then I can go back and read it to him in full fledged rhythm, rhyme and humor afterwards to celebrate completion. And what better way to celebrate completion than with a party?

We made some Green Eggs and Ham Decorations (just photo copied book pages matted and in frames and then green crepe paper and a banner) and of course, Green Eggs and Ham to eat!

The best way I could think of to translate this into edible food for kids was to make grilled ham and cheese, and then deviled eggs with green filling. (Thanks to Pinterest for that idea) They were delicious but strange to look at.

The kids invited Uriah, Zach and Aunt Teresa to join them at their party. (Yes, we still have the stickers on our windows... because I'm too busy having parties to climb up there with a scraper and get them all.. and I haven't found the curtains I want yet either, lol!)

Oh! And let's not forget the "not-so-green lime punch" and pistachio cupcakes with pistachio cream frosting that we had for dessert. I promise, I'll never pursue a job decorating cakes for a living... but I will guarantee that this frosting is worth it's weight in delicious flavor.

After lunch I read the story in celebration, and it was a fun culmination of Aidan reading another book off the shelf all by himself.

I promise, I'm going to finish up the informative homeschool posts soon.. but let's face it everyone needs a party break once in a while.

What Our Homeschool Looks Like, part 3: An Average Day

2012-02-17T01:52:00.000-05:00

Welcome! In "part 2" I mentioned that our days are never exactly the same, but for those who have never seen how any homeschool works I thought I would show you an example of a day around here. We don't do science every day, and this wasn't a science day. When we do though, we do outside stuff in the Fall and Spring, and inside activities like experiments and research etc. in the snowy winter. This day didn't include any music either. As of late I've been having him practice rhythms and patterns on some of his dad's drums. This was also not an "art day", although the map and coloring were still very hands-on. Lately our art has included abstract painting and art journaling.

Our days usually start at around 9:00 because this guy wouldn't let us delay his breakfast any longer than that. The rest of us would prefer sleeping until at least ten. I admit it. I'm not a morning person and neither are the children I've birthed. I try to put a load of laundry in the dryer before I ever get him out of bed though, as well as have some "me" time.

During breakfast I teach something. This particular day it was homonym and synonym review. I would give a word and the kids, with their mouths full of scrambled eggs would rattle off a synonym for it, etc. While I'm doing that I'll be cleaning up the breakfast mess, making a pot of coffee, emptying the dishwasher etc. (They eat their breakfast on the kitchen counter stools so they are in the hub of everything while I do this)

After the "breakfast lesson" we have a 15 minute timed cleanup. Beds are made, toys picked up, and kids are clothed.

While they finish getting dressed I'll go to the school crate:

This is the crate that keeps the journals, etc. that we've been working on as well as some other resources. It's everything we're using currently, along with some "fun stuff" for extras. I have collected some things that are for future use, along with stuff we've already studied and are done with. Michael's building me a new huge bookshelf in the basement family room for those. Aren't you Michael? I hid the crate behind our recliner for now to keep Caleb's hands out of it. This is something that I had to do because there were so many supplemental books, etc. hanging about that I had to dig through too much when I wanted to find something.

See that green tote bag next to the crate? That's the bag I "pack" at night with the stuff I'd like to do the next day. So when I go to the crate I really only have to grab that bag. Then I can take it wherever we end up in the house, be it the couch, the yard, wherever. And I don't have to sort through the bin to find a little book.

This particular day we did a few math workbook pages. It was "fun" as Aidan put it. I disagree but hey, it's his world and I'm just teachin' in it.

About half of our math lessons are worksheets and pages because the bookworm loves a fresh worksheet to write all over. The other half are "teaching" lessons and they include hands-on stuff like measuring dimensions of furniture, following a recipe, flash cards, playing store, adding/subtracting with raisins, and playing with Math Ipad apps, among a million other ideas.

After math we curled up in the chair and I read aloud a chapter of Johnny Tremaine. Then Aidan read a book about trucks. Cuz that's how he rolls.

Then we took a mini break to unload the dryer. Well after these two climbed out of the hamper.

We were going to go right back to another lesson but I decided to start dinner first... and left a cup of flour too close to the counter's edge. At least he's cute right? Yeah, I thought so too. It's easy to get out of trouble for things like this when you smile so brightly. Vivi came over and got her hands involved too, insisting that she needed to write her name in the flour.

Lunch around here is easy, usually something simple and generally not a hot lunch unless there is some sort of leftover to use up. After lunch Caleb went down for a nap and the rest of us went back to work. I have printed a bunch of coloring pages from the American Revolution and stapled them in chronological order to make a little book. This is how we're journaling this time in history. He will color the page and then at the bottom he'll write a sentence or two explaining the picture. For example, this page is labeled already as a Minute Man. Aidan journaled at the bottom of it to tell what minute men were.

We have been working out of a really great (and free!) mapping unit that was compiled by some nice public school teacher somewhere and put out on a blog to be shared. It's nice because it's very adaptable and hand-on. Well, now that he knows more about maps it was obvious to him that he should map out Paul Revere's ride. Here is the partially finished result. (Paul is in blue, the Red coats are.. well duh.)

While he was working on his map I was fixing dinner and getting ready for Michael to come home. Shortly before 5:00 we have another timed 15min. clean up in which they run around picking up the toys and putting the school supplies back in the bin, etc. and I do whatever is pressing at the moment... usually sweeping but sometimes it's actually getting myself properly dressed and out of my lounge pants, putting on makeup, etc. Just depends on how the day has flowed. That about rounds out our homeschool day. I know that to some this won't seem very schoolish. To others it will seem awfully busy and forced. I think it's all in perspective. There are some days (like today) when we'll get a few things done and then get an invite to eat lunch with his grandparents.. and most of the time I try to make relationships a priority.

If you're wondering and you haven't read part 2 of this series then no, I don't follow a written plan or curriculum guide, meaning that I have to search out the resources myself. It's a little more work than just reading out of a dry textbook but it's worth it when I find living books that Aidan wraps his brain around and that help him understand what the world was actually like during that period of history. He's funny like that, he likes to see a big picture. He loves it that way and can remember so much when there is a story involved.

If you're reading this and wondering what the time frame for any of this is... well I don't have a time frame to give you. I don't follow a schedule. My day planner has things scheduled, like appointments and outside commitments but it doesn't schedule my day. I was recently relieved from the idea that I had to meet some sort of time constraints with schooling or housework. Instead I follow a basic routine and if I do the same(ish) stuff in order every day for the household and then filling in teaching whatever is in the bag then it's been working grandly. Some days school is finished very early. Those are the days when I get to work on a decorating project, trying to make this new house more like home or I get to read a "mommy book" as Vivi calls them. They actually come quite often in this season, thank goodness. Then some days we are finishing up when Michael walks through the door. That's the beauty of it though: I'm not stressed any more about time constraints and I'm not pushed to move on to the next topic in a text book.

Next in this series will be a complete "curriculum" list of what I've used so far, awesome resources I've stumbled upon and what I have planned next.

Someone out there (and I know that people are reading because I can see the blog statistics for views and visitors) is probably wondering how I know that Aidan is learning enough without following someone else's plan. Well, I don't know that this will ease your mind but I do actually have an outline of what public school expects one to know before moving from K to 1st, 1st to 2nd grade, etc... I don't use it as a checklist but I do ask myself "does Aidan know how to do that?" from time to time. I'm not adhering to any sort of time frame but I do like to keep his reading skills on track because the older he gets the more I want him to be able to research the topics he likes without my supervision. Reading is key. Reading and math I stay fairly structured with because he is quick to learn and I feel like they are the foundation for so much.

What Our Homeschool Looks Like part 2: Our philosophy

2012-02-14T06:00:00.000-05:00

How and why do we teach what we teach?

Well, this is a question that I can only answer on behalf of my own family, not any other homeschoolers. Keep in mind that what works for us doesn't necessarily work for everyone either.

There aren't many dull days around here, and I couldn't honestly schedule everything properly if I tried. At least 3 days out of 5 some thing comes up to push our day ahead or behind "schedule" or we have the opportunity to do something out of the ordinary... but that's okay. That's the privilege of educating children at home, we can definitely do adapt. I know that some would argue that a schedule must be kept, children need structure and routine. To a certain extent this is true. My kids like to have some routines. What's clear though, is that relationships matter more than routine. If an occasion arises to do something nice for someone else, to learn outside of this little box we live in by serving others... well that's worth much more than anything scheduled next in a textbook. So we don't always stick to our routines, and the days when we break from them are often some of the best spent.

I will tell you that another pro of keeping our kids home versus sending them to public school is that we don't have to have "school at home". I know that this is hard to wrap your brain around sometimes, particularly if you haven't ever witnessed it. I still on occasion flashback to my own days in classrooms and wonder at how different we do things here. You see some homeschooled families do run their homes like a school, using boxed curriculum that include all the subjects, one workbook and one textbook. All you have to do is sit down and read the lesson, do the corresponding workbook pages and then move on to the next subject, with a quiz thrown in here and there. This is one end of the homeschool "extreme" if you will.

An opposite end exists too, in what some refer to as Radical Unschooling. It basically entails no formal planning of lessons or the like. When the children are young you just play as much as you can and try to work in bits of knowledge here and there. As they grow older you encourage them to find subjects that they want to learn about and then you help them find out more about them. The key here is that the student leads the initiative and hopefully being a better student because of their interest in the topics at hand. Many things are learned by the students and taught by the parents, but they are learned because the time, opportunity or interest organically arises rather than because a professional educator somewhere says "teach them global studies at 14", etc. An example would be if at age 12 a girl reads the Diary of Anne Frank and shows interest in WWII... her parent would then pursue WWII studies for her.

We are not Radical Unschoolers either, although I am not opposed to the idea that each child has different opportune times to learn things. We are somewhere in the middle of these extremes, in an area that I would term "Relaxed Homeschooling with a Charlotte Mason Method". I don't buy one brand curriculum and follow it straight through. I made some executive decisions at the beginning of this adventure (2010) and decided to mix up the timeline a bit with history, grammar and math.

I don't sit with a teacher's guide (*gasp*!!) and teach from it. If it's a subject I'm not familiar with then I will review it but honestly I'm better at speaking to the kids if I can look them in the eye and explain something to them rather than read it how the author of a book intended. Sometimes it requires me to whip out the dry-erase board and draw them some nice little doodles or math examples. Sometimes it requires a puppet show re-enacting an event. (much more effort on my part.) Other times it's just me, having a conversation with them while they eat their breakfast in the morning, asking Aidan "Hey, if you have 21 cheerios in your bowl, how many more would you need in order to have 29?" (Look! Subtraction via the reversed method!)

There are times, of course, when sitting with a workbook or worksheet happens. Aidan loves his phonics workbooks and the math worksheets are always a favorite. I also read aloud to them regularly and he reads aloud to me too. Arts and music are woven throughout everything we do. He starts sign language lessons this week.

Somewhere out there in the vast world of internet someone is saying "The education experts of experty and experto state that you should spend one week on this, and two days on that, and that children best learn from the xyz methods of teaching, so who are you to question these methods?"
I am Mom. They are my kids and I know how to teach them. I know what works. I speak their language. We have taught them everything from birth to school age and at the risk of sounding proud, they are well educated. There has been nothing that I have attempted to teach to Aidan that he hasn't grasped. (Well except to flush the darn toilet after himself but that's another story.)

I know that this is a tough idea to accept, to think that I would be arrogant enough to believe that I would be more "qualified" than a trained teacher at a school. But here's the shocker... wait for it.... I am not qualified to teach at a public school, nor do I claim to be. The people who are willing to commit so much of their energy to other people's kids are angels in my book. I may be fairly well educated and I have a thorough knowledge of the topics that I will teach at home but I would never claim to be qualified to sit in front of 24 kids in a classroom and claim that I could teach even half of them to an acceptable standard. Those teachers are well-trained to follow the methods with the highest success rates (meaning they will reach a majority of the class with that method) and then they have to reassess, review, etc. with the children who don't respond to those methods. It must be exhausting, even it if it is a worthwhile profession. I could.not.do.it. I am however, absolutely sure that I am qualified to teach these kids in my class.. and I am sure that I will reach 100% of my students with the method I use.

Why? Well because I don't have to follow one way. If a technique I'm using doesn't work I can switch, and switch again until I find what works best for Aidan. If I need to spend extra weeks on learning time and money I can. If he doesn't need as much time in reading then we can make that change as well.

If something comes up that neither one of us understands.. Heaven forbid he want to study quantum physics at 15 or something... guess what? I can find an online college course and hook him right up with lectures, online community, etc. If at 16 he thinks he wants to be a Veterinarian, I can help him find a Vet to shadow or intern with so that he can make an informed decision before college. There are so many ways and opportunities that I can encourage his education. He will not be pigeon-holed into taking what someone else considers a well-rounded course load. If he exhibits natural talent in a certain area then we shall pursue it. If he shows interest in a certain career choice then it will be encouraged. There may be times when math takes a back seat to art, or music is dropped out so that he can focus more on science.

I know that I've discussed our philosophy on education, and I know that there are still some reading this who will throw out ideas about how awfully unsocialized they will be, or how neglectful of us to take away all those potential extracurricular activities. I'm here to tell you that our children, in fact most homeschool children, are not unsocialized. They are not sheltered at home. Vivi is in dance class once a week. Aidan loves attending VBS programs, story hours at the local library and play dates with his friends. He's currently weighing the option of Karate. Will he be in a marching band? Probably not. Could he join a band of some sort? Certainly. Will he have friends? He already does, both homeschooled and public schooled. Will he know how to converse with others? Even though he tends to be a reserved personality he typically has no problem holding a conversation with a child or adult after an initial few minutes of shyness. He's not a party animal by nature and even putting him in public school couldn't change that.

I can tell you that there are things that he definitely will miss out on. The, ahem, learned vocabulary of the public school hallways. I can guarantee you that when Aidan hears foul language it is not as part of his school day. (and yes, he does and will hear foul language, I'm not attempting to say that he is in a bubble where profanity doesn't exist but I promise you that there is less of it.) He also is missing out on pressures from his peers to conform to what is new, in style or impressive to other young people. If he likes something, no matter what, he will be able to participate in it and nobody here will ever tell him that he's a geek for it. He will not be bullied in this class. Except maybe by his sister when she wants to steal what's left of his lunch. I'm only half kidding about that.

There are a few other perks also. I was able to teach Aidan about Christmas this year. Not just along with all the other holidays, but about Christ's birth. In covering Ancient Civilizations I was able to explain that some people believe that we came from monkeys but that the BIBLE says otherwise which is why we don't believe in Evolution. In a couple months we'll be able to cover Easter, and I'm not talking about a bunny. I know that it sounds awful assuming to make the statement "We can teach them whatever we want." because well, not only is it technically not fully accurate but it also has an air of immaturity. Essentially though, it's true that we can teach them HOW we want, or better yet how he best responds, and we truly are given core subjects to cover but much of the material we are able to add to and have a choice about. We, as parents, spend more time with our children than any outside influence.

If you're still reading this and you're not annoyed with how long it is then I beg you to pay attention to the fact that almost everything I've written here is about my kids and what homeschooling can offer them. This is not a petition against public school. Both my husband and myself survived public school with flying colors and we did learn. Nope. This post is about stewardship. Parents are entrusted with a blessing (a child) who they are stewards of until adulthood. It's our privilege to bless our children by educating them and preparing them to stand on their own. My husband and I made a prayerful, informed decision to educate our children at home because it was the best choice for them. The best choice for some may in fact be public school. I have friends whose children attend a private Catholic school in the next town over and they couldn't imagine it otherwise. The key is to make it an informed decision by considering your options. Don't just accept the "norm" because there might be other options available. Find the best one. The "norm" might be more normal.. but let's face it your kids aren't normal, they are the best.

I'm working on a few more posts, specifically one with a list of the "curriculum" resources that I've used thus far and another to show what an average day looks like around here. Oh! And I'm going to post some pictures of our Valentine's Day too, because let's face it we do this all out of love. Also, if anyone is wondering, I'm aware that experty and experto are not real words. ;-) If you have any questions or ideas to suggest then please feel free to comment.

What our Homeschool Looks Like: Part 1

2012-02-11T04:46:00.000-05:00

Good Morning! If you've been reading my very rare posts you'll know that in order to write this I had to do it in the early morning hours so my apology if it doesn't make sense because I am NOT a morning person. I just have committed myself to not giving any time during my day to blogging so if I want to blog, I must rise earlier. If you don't already know, we homeschool. It works well for us. Our homeschool has been greatly influenced by the techniques and methods of Charlotte Mason, and we use a variety of resources including classical literature, readers and workbooks, hands-on learning opportunities and most importantly fun activities that encourage learning at every opportunity. Charlotte Mason believed, among other things, that classical education for young children should have lessons that are short and sweet for best retention, be strong in art and music, include some sort of narration of the reading material (we choose to discuss it or to art journal about it) and that nature studies were vital to a youngster's education. We follow at least these ideals of hers as well as a few others.

I realized this past week, while typing up our quarterly report for the local school district, that I don't really blog much about school. Probably because home education tends to monopolize a lot of my time at home. (Hence the "home" in education, lol!) But at the risk of letting my dirty dishes sit in my sink while I blog a bit more frequently I am going to do just that. I'm going to document a little more informally exactly what Aidan is learning, how our days flow, what our routine looks like and what struggles we're having. It will have to be a series of posts to start with, answering some frequently asked questions about home education.

Saying the Pledge of Allegiance before the "parade"

I could never do that, I mean what does it even look like to homeschool?

I've had a lot of questions from people about our choice to homeschool our kids. Some are encouraging, some are more negative and then others are just curious. (I tend to let the negative ones roll off my back because, let's face it, I am confident in our decision and can't imagine any other way for us.) The more curious questions I can handle, in fact they are healthy for me. I tend to forget that something that has become so "normal" so quickly for us is so strange for everyone else. That prompted this series of posts. These are just some examples of what home education looks like for us.

These particular pictures were taken in the fall. We are supplementing our early American History units with a study called "I Love America" which gives little mini lessons on how our nation was founded, etc. One of the lessons taught about the important roles that "regular people" played in the founding of the United States of America: farmers who picked up guns to fight for liberty, a seamstress who was given the opportunity to sew the first flag of the new nation, etc. It told of the parades that were held in celebration of the freedom that was claimed by our forefathers, and suggested that we re-enact a parade, even giving instructions for making hats, etc. So a parade we held!

The parade proceeds down the only paved sidewalk in the neighborhood, while traditional patriotic music is played.

"Betsy Ross" carries her flag carefully and takes her role very seriously.

This series of studies has really worked well for us because not only does it "fit" with the more advanced things that Aidan's been learning but it also fits Vivi's skill level with activities so that she can participate. It has such added value too and often timed appropriately on the calendar. Other topics have included how to handle the flag correctly, Thanksgiving and the Pilgrims in November, Christopher Columbus was in October and it teaches about George Washington's harsh winter at Valley Forge.

Do they actually learn as much?

I think one of the biggest "issues" that critics have a hard time figuring out is how the kids could possibly be learning as much as public school kids do, especially when I honestly don't have to spend as many hours with them. (I say them because truly it's usually both Aidan and Vivi even though Aidan is the only one who technically a student.) I would challenge that they probably learn more. In another post I'll review what we actually do and what our routine looks like but I'll try to give you a general idea of what was covered by the parade lesson here.

Keep in mind that Aidan is six years old and had we registered him at public school this would be his kindergarten because we chose to hold off on any education that wasn't play-based as long as we legally could. I'm not going to go into our reasoning right now but if you want to read more about the general concept this article tends to explain it well. Even though we didn't formally educate him before this year, the boy learned his letters through play, sounded out words when we read together, wrote letters to anyone who would receive them and absorbed information about all sorts of stuff. At age four he could identify the make of every tractor trailer we passed on road trips. He's living proof that kids will learn when they are having fun, maybe even more so than when they are sitting at a desk for hours. But that's another soapbox. Here are the lessons that tied in with the parade lesson or that were going on during that same week:

- Aidan read aloud from two library books about Betsy Ross and the American flag. (reading)

- He journaled pictures of the parade and wrote an account of them on said journal pages. (writing practice and art)

- Aidan and Vivi crafted their hats and also paper flags (art)

- We played games involving counting, adding and subtracting as well as did a few workbook pages. (math we are fairly traditional with and he loves his math workbook!)

- We observed and harvested the garden plants that were ready that week, drew pictures as part of our documentation of the process from seed to harvest and then journaled about them. (science, writing and art)

- Aidan and Vivi played abundantly outside to take advantage of the nice weather (phys-ed), and Vivi started dance class.

- sang along to patriotic songs (music)

- learned the Pledge of Allegiance, as well as memorized the 23rd Psalm (no true "subject" for these to fall under besides the fact that we're trying to work on memorization here and there which is good for both my forgetful brain and theirs)

- worked in a phonics workbook and learned synonyms verses opposites (language arts)

All of this happened over the course of that week. It looks like a lot when you see it on paper, but do you notice how many of these activities overlap? Then do you notice how many of these activities sound like play time? It's true, most of it is fun. There are some activities, like the workbook pages, that were completed as seat work but a lot of it was hands on.

But wait, you're telling me that what Aidan's doing, all this fun stuff, is leaving him as well educated as the kids in public school?

At the risk of sounding proud, yes I am. He writes as well as, if not better than any typical K-er or 1st grader. His vocabulary of site words is well beyond the recommended number for Kindergarten and.. well let's just say that according to THIS list he's about to finish the 1st grade quotas.

Now I'm not saying he doesn't forget stuff. But what I am saying is that he doesn't need the traditional boxed method of education in order to learn. See that's the beauty of schooling at home, a parent can assess each child to see how they best react to different teaching techniques. I don't have to take choose the method or curriculum that has been proven to have the highest success rate for the majority of the class. He IS my class. I just need to choose the method that has the highest success rate for him. That method is the fun method. I'll leave you with this quote:

"Trying to teach an uninterested child is like throwing marshmallows at a kid's head and calling it eating"

Stay tuned for more installments in this "series"!!

A New Year's Resolution: Living life Unscheduled

2012-01-03T09:55:00.000-05:00

Good morning! (well it is here anyway) I have spent the last weeks writing and rewriting posts for this blog and then not being satisfied with them they almost always end up in the trash. My last attempt was just a "year in review" post and my finger might still make it to the publish button on that one. Why do I keep scrapping posts? Well it has a lot to do with Blogging Intentionally but it also has to do with my scattered brain.

Christmas.. well actually all the holidays even going back to Thanksgiving, tends to be my favorite season. I love to give gifts, love to craft, love to cook, and for the most part love all the social activities that come along with the holidays. I know that I run on pure adrenaline and caffeine for weeks on end just to maintain my sanity. This year I started the season with a nice detox cleanse which I will credit with the fact that I stayed fairly healthy for the entire holiday season in spite of my children catching colds, stomach bugs, and the like. The good health did nothing to help my brain focus though. I couldn't pull together a complete thought for the life of me.

At some point I was talking with someone who said they were feeling holiday stress, or pressure for lack of a better word. It's not a negative stress, but it's a self-imposed pressure that we put on ourselves to get all the stuff we want to finish, well.. finished! She reminded herself (and me as well) that there's no point in stressing over it because we've done this a million times and eventually God takes over and everything gets done that needs to be done. We just need ed to stop trying to do it all.

She was right. I know that as soon as I stopped trying to get stuff done, things were done. I really wanted to make some pillows for gifts this year. It wasn't something that I would stress over, and it wasn't a necessity in celebrating Christ's birthday for me to finish these gifts. It was, however, my heart's desire. A week before Christmas they still weren't complete. And by complete, I mean I hadn't started them at all. I told myself that I would wait and if I was blessed with the time to sit and make them then I would be grateful. And if not then I would be giving the recipients fudge for Christmas instead. I wasn't going to TRY to make time for them. I was just going to wait until the time arrived.

Guess what? About 3 days before Christmas I was able to sit down on a quiet late night and sew all five pillows. And they turned out better than any gift I've made in the past ten years. (So good that I almost kept one of them for myself, lol!!)

I could go on with other examples, but the main point here is that I find myself "TRYING" too much. Trying to get something done. Trying to make time for something. Trying to relax. Trying to check off things on a to-do list. Trying to stick to a schedule.

Well in 2012 I'm giving it all up. I'm not going to try to accomplish everything. I'm going to live with purpose and I'm not going just lay around giving up on life.. but I'm not going to strive for certain things. It's my goal to wake up every morning with a mental list still, but it will be a list of possibilities not of obligation. Then as the day goes on, with each hour I'm given it will be more like a "Look guys! We finished math early so we can do art class now!" to the kids, or "Hey, I have a free hour, I can bake cookies for Michael to take to work!"... or read a book... or call a friend... or do the dishes.. (and because of THIS I'll still sound excited over the dishes :-) ) I'm going to summarize the day by being happy with what I accomplished, not looking at a schedule that I wasn't able to keep. I'm going to make a "Look what we did today list" rather than make a "Things we won't actually get done to-do list". Call it a glass half full attitude.

I know that some of you function best with a scheduled to-do list. Some of my best friends do. Guess what? I don't. I've tried for years and at the end of the day when I see that half-finished list I feel half-successful. Why would I try, no better yet, why would I strive to put myself in that over-achieving mold? Why can't I count each hour as it comes and fill it with something that needs to be done, or fill it with something that is just nothing but pure blessing and joy rather than having to rush through something at 2:00 so that I can then in turn be cranky about something I have to do at 2:45?

I understand that some times certain things take priority, but if I'm realistic with myself then I'll remember that at the end of my life I will not reflect upon how many things were accomplished on my daily to-do list. And if the end of my life were to come tomorrow I would hate for my kids to grow up remembering that Mom was stressed out the day before she died because she was trying to do the dirty dishes piling up and trying to declutter in the living room. I would hope that they would remember me sitting down within the pile of books they dumped off the bookshelf and reading them a story because that's what I chose to fill the next half hour with rather than move on to the next thing on a list.

Lists are great. To help me remember stuff. But they are bad at making me feel like I'm not meeting my own expectations of what I should be trying to get done. My new lists are going to be short and sweet. I will not assume that because many are motivated by organized schedules, I need to put myself under time constraints while life goes on without me. I will have a short list of necessities: (appointments, etc) and then I'll keep going with my as-needed routines but then I'll have a second "list".. a mental list of all the things that are exciting possibilities. Projects that we can do for school. Rooms that could be arranged or re-organized. A cuddle on a couch. A fort built in the livingroom. A book that could be read. A friend that could be visited. I won't rush through one to get to the next. And if there is no next I will never count it as a wasted day because whatever that first thing was must have been pretty awesome if I was able to spend the whole day doing it. I will not be stressed over meeting or not meeting a scheduled routine. Life is too short for that. Trying to meet self-imposed deadlines for life is silly.

I can't tell you how many times I've looked at my list at the end of the day and felt like a failure. Or how often I've told a friend "well I've been trying to get this done, it's on my schedule every day"... but then life happens and the next thing on the list arrives and I have to leave it undone or half done. Well maybe that's because I was prioritizing something when in truth I should have just laid it in God's lap and let him rank it's priority.

I will not waste any more time Trying to get stuff done when I think it should be done.. because if I just give it all to Him and stop trying He'll bless each hour with what really should be done.

It's sort of like living life as if you're on a perpetual vacation. I don't know about you but when I'm on vacation, I take care of my basic requirements.. and then fill in the rest of the days with sunshine, fellowship and fun.. knowing that my days at the beach are limited. And then when it's over I find myself in awe of all the ways I've been blessed by it.

Christmas was excellent for me. Huge things were accomplished. But not because I tried to get stuff done, or not because my calendar/dayplanner told me it was time to do them. Because I stopped trying to schedule life and just waited for God to show me the hour to do things. And the few things that weren't accomplished? Meh. The world didn't end without them being done. Guess what? I think God knew that it wouldn't.

Doing the rotten jobs

2011-11-09T18:10:00.000-05:00

It's not every day that you get a smack-in-the-face, Ah-Ha moment that denounces all the emotions you've been carrying for days. I don't know how often it happens to you, but I myself don't experience it as a part of everyday life. In fact, it's something that usually has to be sought out and prayed about.

Recently I spent a few days being truly ugly. One might not have noticed it if one wasn't looking closely. (Or maybe if you ask the people I live with they would disagree with that, lol!) I was spending hours of my day with an awful attitude. And I knew exactly who to blame for it.

Everyone.

Not specific enough for you? Well one of the people was my husband. I know that it sounds redundant, I mean don't we all blame our husbands for too much of our own emotional state? Well while I was standing at the sink rinsing dishes one night I found myself thinking "Why can't he just serve me? We're supposed to serve others, why can't he just serve me for once?"

I was so close to saying it out loud. I was ready to toss the dishcloth in the sink and storm the living room in a mad rush, declaring how much easier life would be if he would just jump on board and turn the tv off, put the kids to bed and help me fold laundry. Because he's supposed to serve.

Gratefully I played it out in my mind first.. being guilty of a talent that has helped me fight out arguments until I've won in every way possible, I always tend to strategize before such conflict. I predicted what he would retaliate with, and how he would point out the ways that I don't serve him. "Well now that's ridiculous." I said to myself, "I serve him constantly without complaining. I cook for him, I clean up, I care for our children, I give him all sorts of thoughtful gifts, I'm affectionate..."

And then it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I know they say that God is a gentle god and He never smacks you in the face with reality, but this one felt like he reached down and smacked me in the back of the head.

Those are all the ways I like to serve. I'm ok with doing all those. Some of them relate to my love languages, some are my spiritual gifts, and some things I'm just doing because I want the end result. For example, my husband could care less about a clean house. He'd rather have a happy family with a tv he could hear clearly but be surrounded by clutter. The clutter doesn't bother me. So technically when I clean up, I'm doing it for ME. That's not serving him in any way.

So here was my realization. We are called to serve others. The hard truth?

A good servant's service extends even to the jobs that he hates.

Yuck. I did not want to think about this. Surely this was NOT a battle I wanted to start after all. It was true enough that Michael was only serving me in the ways that he wanted to serve... but I am surely more guilty of this charge than he is. I can't think of a single time where whenever given the choice I have chosen a role that I disliked, that I was bad at even, with the sole purpose of serving someone else.

I know I'm not alone in this. Over the past months there seems to be a trend in messages and sermons that I've encountered. That trend pertains to the topic of spiritual gifts. Everyone seems to be intent on encouraging people to "use their spiritual gifts" or "don't waste your gifts"...

Well I'm going to argue that true service to God doesn't always come in an opportunity to use a gift. Yes, it comes natural to me to help people, to encourage, to see a need and meet it. Yes, that seems like that's what I'm good at so of course the Lord would be best to use me like that. Right? Or maybe. Just maybe I could be better used doing something that I'm awful at. Isn't that just a strange thought? Maybe being bad at something shouldn't be used as an excuse for not doing it.

I think that people must remember that above all we are called to do what God wants us to. We may have a gift, but we are NOT instructed to just go around hunting for a way to use it. The gifts are given in order to bless the Lord, not just to fill a role in a modern church. When He has a time and purpose for our gifts HE will lead us to it. We need to seek Him.

If you're anything like me, you're thinking that this is just plain annoying. I don't like to do things I'm awful at. I'd rather perform in an area of my expertise.

But it's not about me. It's not even really about my husband. It's about how I can serve God, by serving the people around me. If it were about me I would sense a need somewhere.. and I would lift the person in prayer. I would bring a hot meal. I would send an encouraging note. But maybe God would have me do something different. Maybe God would have me physically step in to care for a sick person. (not my strength) Maybe God would have me extend a hug to a stranger. (definitely not my strength)

So how could I be better serving my husband? I'm not even really sure yet. But I'm sure I could stop thinking of what I think is a good idea for him. What about you? How could you be better serving your husband? Would he prefer you buy crunchy peanut butter instead of creamy? Would he prefer that you just gave up on housework and stared at the tv with him for a couple hours each night? Is he like my husband and would rather have quality time than a gift or something done for him? Would he really like you to hold his hand the next time you're walking into the store together? Or would he love for you to give up on a gourmet healthy meal for one night and actually give him the junk food that he craves as a treat?

There are many different ways that you can serve. If you've ever wished that maybe your husband would step out of his comfort zone and serve you in a different way then you understand the frustration from where this post came. Imagine God and the way he must feel when we try to serve Him and love Him in our own way. I challenge you to stop loving your husband in YOUR love language and start trying to love him in the language that he'd like to receive love in. Start serving people with an open mind. Start seeking the Lord and allowing Him to direct you in how to serve. Stop making it about you. Be selfless. Be a servant. That's what I need to do anyway.

If you want to learn more about spiritual gifts, check out Romans 12 or 1 Corinthians 12 among others.

Love Collage, aka Christmas is coming!!!

2011-09-20T14:28:00.000-04:00

Now, don't shoot the messenger but there are only 95 days until Christmas. That sounds like a lot? Well I'm here to tell you it isn't. Not if you make homemade/handmade gifts it isn't. You need to start looking for ideas now. This particular idea isn't one that I made for a Christmas gift (although it might morph into one for a grandparent at some point in time) but I thought it was a perfect, inexpensive idea that anyone could easily use as such.

I'd like to take credit for this idea but I originally spotted this on pinterest. (Do you have a pinterest account? If so, then follow me! And I'll follow you! I love great ideas!... just ask my husband who says that I pin everything.) The inspiration photo is HERE.

Michael and I both have birthdays in August, and we also have our wedding anniversary in August. This year was admittedly a neglectful one. When one is in the process of building a house, one tends to sacrifice all gifts in order to buy such things as fixtures and lightbulbs. That's not to say that I didn't give Michael a gift. I just tried to get very creative with it. We took the following pictures and made a collage out of them.

After Aidan and I took these pictures, and more than just these by the way but about a hundred to get the ones I thought would work, I put them into a frame, carefully making a collage out of them. I wanted a fairly small frame and I just purchased a landscape frame at Walmart and I think between printing the pictures and the frame itself this whole gift cost under $5. This is the finished product, as featured on Michael's work desk:

I did have to piece it together slightly using background pieces in certain corners, cropping here and there. I loved how it turned out though. And I didn't hear complaints from the husband either, although he knows better than to question a handmade gift, lol!

Thanks for looking and I hope that you get inspired in some way!

If you don't know what Pinterest is, it's a site dedicated to organizing favorite things. When you sign up for an account you can designate certain "bulletin" boards to pin your favorite links, pictures, places etc. to. The best part is that it allows you to pin a picture with the link, not just a link. It gives a great online home to your "favorites" rather than having them saved on one computer or having to filter down through a list of links to figure out what you want. Looking at the pictures gives you instant knowledge if something is what you're looking for. You can re-pin someone else's favorites, or you can install a "Pin It" button in your browser, allowing you to pin anything you like. If this sounds interesting to you, let me know and I can send an invite to your email.

A Vintage Affair

2011-07-21T21:39:00.000-04:00

Just recently my niece Sarah got married. Isn't she beautiful?

This niece of mine had a vision for a vintage wedding. Her dress was custom made by a seamstress friend, as were all the bridesmaids dresses and flower girl dress. Sarah's vision was a fully detailed on so she knew exactly what she wanted. She had almost 2 months to plan this vintage wedding while working around the timing of military leaves and a tornado and this is what she managed to accomplish:

A beautiful, God-honoring ceremony under a white tent surrounded by green scenery.

A photo-booth manned by a photography friend, equipped with old doors for a backdrop and vintage props.

So that handsome guests like the young man above could ham it up for their future photographical enjoyment. (theirs will be in black and white though)

A suitcase for cards, next to the gift table, with other pieces of old furniture scattered around.

Her grandmother's wedding gown displayed, along with vintage pictures of family.

A dessert reception that was displayed on classic old tables with what seemed like endless vintage platters and plates.

Antique cars to transport the wedding party.

Hand stamped antiqued tags with table names (instead of numbers) displayed on an antique hutch.

Varying centerpieces of vintage table cloths and runners, stacks of old books tied with raffia and the table name on a tag. The floral arrangements were in mason jars and consisted of some purchased and many harvested flowers from a friend's yard. Both the bouquets on the tables and carried by the wedding party were arranged by a friend who does beautiful bridal work.

But one of my very favorite things she was able to pull off was the couple above. (my little miss V and my great-nephew Eli) They handed out roses and looked just plain darling. They definitely were the best looking couple at the event.

Well.... maybe these two were a close second, lol! Congratulations Jordan and Sarah! I love you guys!

Broken but Priceless

2011-07-13T06:14:00.000-04:00

In my recent absence there have been a few blogs that I've been keeping up with, most of them are my "real life" friends. I love them and couldn't bear to not pop in semi-regularly to smile at what their children are doing, pray for them in their challenges, and learn about what God has been doing in their lives. I have forsaken most of my creative inspiration, or "fluff" blogs as I like to call them, simply because they didn't offer much meat to my blog diet. That's not to say that I go without creative inspiration though. I read a blog called Chatting At The Sky for example and this particular page that I'm linking to was entirely inspiring.

Emily Freeman is the blog author and she has quite a few similar interests as me. She writes for Compassion International, which I am a firm supporter of. She loves her family to pieces. I also love my family to pieces. She writes for Dayspring, and I love many of the Dayspring lines. But what really gets to me is her heart for the arts, or more specifically encouraging people to find an artistic outlet. This is something that I firmly agree with, mostly because we are made in the image of a creative God.

Emily's article has to be read as a whole for my post to make sense so please go do so. I'll wait. Just don't get too lost in her wonderful blog to forget that I'm here...

***crickets chirping***

Oh. You're back. Fabulous!

My favorite part of the whole article is the line "We may admire your wholeness, but we can touch your brokenness". She's telling people not to wait until they are whole, and sure of themselves to create something. Not to wait until they are "ready" to share something that they've made, or written, or drawn or imagined. She's making the point that sometimes being able to relate to someone and have whatever they've made speak to our specific pain or a challenge we're facing is more valuable than seeing something beautiful and "perfect" that we've created.

My friend Trina and I were sort of discussing the value of showing our brokenness recently. We sat around a campfire and chuckled over the idea that someone might think that we have it "all together" and that we are calm and collected, our house is clean and perfect, or our family is ideal. We can laugh at this because we both know how far it is from truth. We've seen each others struggles and seen real life happening. And yet we both would love to only blog about the good things. We'd love to only rejoice in the beauty and stray from writing or creating things that might represent a funk or a sad time in our lives. I know that I personally have a hard time thinking that I could do anything but depress someone by writing about my struggles.

But then if I recall about how easily a new friend can be needlessly intimidated by all the perfection she sees on my blog then I can remember that I'm not in this alone. There are people who not only will be able to see my imperfections, but also see that they are not the only broken ones. Maybe something I write about my struggles will help them through their own.

On a grander scale, not only are we often more valuable to friends when we're broken but consider our Lord. Being completed by ourselves we are worthless. We're unable to be saved, and we're unable to glorify God. But to be broken, to be torn apart and losing parts of ourselves, is of the highest value. Practically priceless to us. There is no price that could ever be paid for that brokenness because with it comes the sweetest gift.

Because we have been broken, He can mend us. Because we surrender all the broken second-rate parts of ourselves he can replace those empty gaps with Him. And that is something that we can never exchange for. He has paid the highest price, giving his son to us as a Savior and absorbing all the nasty sides, all the broken rotten pieces of us.

Does it make sense? Not really. If you're a parent you can imagine that sort of selfless love but still our human nature thinks we should repay Him, if we could. But really, we can make an offering. We can offer all that is left, the other broken pieces that are left. We can offer ourselves broken so that he can rebuild us. He can do that if we're broken. If we're broken we have value to Him. Unbroken we have absolutely nothing to offer.

See if you can follow me here. As artists, if we're broken we can be used by Him. We can tell the heartwrenching story of how we were saved. We can write about how deep the depths were. We can paint a picture of the wreckage. We can sing about how our heart is crying.. and then we can sing about how we still have hope because of a Savior who loves us. A Savior who has taken over for us, who carries our burdens while we walk through the troubles, who has become a part of us...

Emily says "We may admire your wholeness, but we can touch your brokenness". If Christ is a part of you, then not only can someone admire your wholeness after you're completed by Him and wonder of it.. But they can actually touch your brokenness when you choose to let them. And in touching your brokenness they in turn are touching He who is a part of you now. They can touch the one who will mend you.

And all of a sudden you, the cracked and chipped worthless broken piece of art, have worth because the one who is within you is priceless and you have pleased Him.

As the clay is in the potters hand to fashion it at his pleasure: so man is in the hand of him that made him, to render to them as liketh him best. Ecc 33:13

Flowers, created by a creative God, being arranged by the hands of an artist, my dear friend Trina.

Four Months Later I Return

2011-07-07T16:57:00.000-04:00

Four months ago I read a post on a blog that I read regularly. I'm not going to link it here because really what it said was irrelevant. What was relevant was that it made me reconsider how I write. I didn't really think much of it when I read it but it stewed in my brain for the next few days. I started to weigh the value of my time here on my blog. I realized that I'm in a season of life that requires both my physical and mental presence at all times. I truly shouldn't commit myself to a blog.

Throughout the days following this revelation I started to ponder what my blog presence should be. I wondered what it should look like, or whether I should just be removing my blog altogether. There came an evaluation of what I had been writing lately. I prayed about it. It didn't take long for me to realize that there was a problem with not only my lack of commitment, but also with the content of my posts.

I have to stop here and say that I don't regret anything I've ever posted, or even think that anything was wrong with my past posts. What I had realized is that there were many posts that I hadn't consulted God about at all. I'm not talking about pictureful posts either. I'm talking about posts that started out like this:

Me thinking: This is something that I've realized lately. I should share it on my blog. People could benefit from this. type, type, type..... finished! What a great post!!!!

Notice something there? I had written what might have been a great post, sometimes even quoting scripture. I knew that everything I wrote was biblically sound. I knew that it was truthful and I was happy with it. It was, however, written because an idea had popped into my head. I did it spontaneously, didn't consult the Lord first or even take a day to pray about it before posting it or writing it.

So if you haven't gathered this by now, all of this resulted in me abandoning this little corner of the internet for some time. Four months to be exact. I didn't start out with the idea that it would be four months. I just figured that I would take time off until I felt at peace with coming back.

Recently I've felt led to return here. I have had some answers come to me about my life commitments. I realize that I'm not supposed to blog much right now. As tempting as it is to grow my blog audience, this isn't the time. I'm not meant to be in business. I'm not meant to feel obligated to post every day or two. I'm meant to be a wife and a mother. I have plenty of wifing and mothering to do. (I'm aware that I made that word up) I often will share something here that I feel will help someone, but do you know what? The people I need to be helping are at home. They aren't found out in blog world.

My kids need me more than blogworld does. That's the bottom line. Just because I think of something I want to write about doesn't mean I have the freedom to do so. Now I'm at peace with returning here, but it's clear to me that I need to make the posts a luxury, not a necessity. I will post rarely. I will not be taking time away from my family to do so. I will use my posts as my personal hobby. Would I make it a point to take myself out for coffee 4 times a week? No, because I truly can't spare that hour and a half out of my day for fun.. not four times a week anyway. Can I spare it once a week? Sometimes. Once a month? Probably. But the problem is, I need to think of it as taking it out of the "me time" budget. Not the "household time" budget. Because there is ALWAYS something more important in the household time budget that I could be doing. I will only take time out of my personal budget to blog. We've made the decision for me to stay at home now. I am not working outside the home. I'm not going to replace that time that I've regained by spending it blogging. I'll alot myself a certain amount of time per month to spend it on "me" and if blogging trumps painting my nails or getting together with my girlfriends then I'll do it. But if not then the post that is rattling around in my brain may have to wait until next week. It's that simple.

So if I'm not going to post often... they'd better be quality. So you can bet that every post will be prayed over. And if I want to post a little picture or a quick link I can do that too.. but I have to make sure my kids are tucked in bed to do it, meaning I'll have to get up early in the morning and do it.

So let's recap. My priorities rank as follows. 1. God, 2. Husband, 3. Children... ........... and coming in at #472 is my blog. It's as simple as that.

I'm at peace with this. And I feel released to blog here again. This place is a rare treat for me now rather than an obligation or a place where I blog for attention.

Father God, you are so good and have blessed me in so many ways, both in life and in internet life. I praise you for all you've taught me. Please guide my fingers as they type and help me to post about topics that glorify you. Please help me keep my priorities in check, and please use this blog to reach even just one single person who may need to hear from someone who is in the same season. Please help me to be a better wife and mother to my family. I ask this in the name of Jesus who is my Savior, Amen.

Some thoughts

2011-03-08T14:00:00.000-05:00

First of all I have to confess that I missed my check in for this week. I didn't mean to. I was supposed to check in to let my other 3in30 cohorts know how I'm doing. Of course I didn't. Because when I read the instructions apparently I missed the part about how we're supposed to check in on Fridays. I, in my own little pea brain, assumed that we would check in at the end of the first full week of March.. Here I am a homeschooler and I can't read directions. Go figure.

For what it's worth, I'm doing well at the bedtime goal. I'm not perfect with it but I'm doing well. The times that I've been up past ten are the nights when I've fallen asleep at 7:00 in the evening and then woke back up. I know. I'm pathetic. But we were all sick here and as soon as I sat down to read the kids a story we'd all pass out together. The good news is that we're all coming out of our sickness, slowly but surely.

I truly haven't been feeling sorry for myself over all of this flu garbage mostly because I know people who have bigger challenges ahead of them. It seems like there is a lot of sadness, a lot of sickness, and a lot of loss affecting people right now. There's a discussion posted on one of the online communities I'm a part of in which some of the women were talking about when sorrow and desperation leads to questioning God.

I can sympathize with those feelings because I do understand how it feels to hurt. I could see how when someone is crying over the premature loss of a loved one, they can feel abandoned. I could understand anger. I know that when I don't understand the "why" behind things I get frustrated. So let's review: Loss, hurt, sadness, abandonment, anger and then frustration.

On the message board there were some comments and questions about the "why's" behind awful things like the death of a child or a loved one with cancer. Some people guessed Satan. Others guessed science.

It didn't seem like anyone wanted to "blame" God. I guess I understood why. It's hard to understand how the Lord that we know, the loving God that we've been taught about could allow such awfulness.

But there is a major problem with not "blaming" God... it means you don't believe that God is all powerful. If you believe that science is at fault.. well then you don't believe that God is more powerful than science. If you believe that this is Satan's fault... well then you don't believe that God is more powerful than Satan. You don't believe that God has chosen your beginning and your end. You don't believe that God knows each of your days, your moments, your seconds.

What's that? You do believe that He is all-powerful? Oh good. Well me too. So that means that while God might not be "killing and harming" people and innocent children, he is allowing it to happen. And THERE is the problem.

We have a hard time accepting and trusting God that if He allows something awful that He has worthwhile reason. Because in our human mind there is NO good reason for cancer. No good reason for a miscarriage. No good reason for deadly accidents, natural disasters, childhood diseases.

But remember, our human minds and hearts will never ever be able to fully understand the workings of the Lord. He has never guaranteed a painless existence. In fact, as believers we are to expect persecution. We are to expect death. We are to expect mourning. We are also to expect mercy, love, kindness, grace, forgiveness and the comfort that comes from knowing our fate is to be with Him someday. But we are not to fully understand Him.

1 Corinthians 1:25 reads "For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength" Doesn't that sum it all up?

Remember when you were a kid and your parents made a decision that you didn't understand? I don't know about you but there were several times when I would be so upset because I was sure they were wrong in their decision. I couldn't for the life of me understand why they wouldn't do what I thought they should. In retrospect, they were looking at a much bigger picture than I was. Couple that with the fact that they had my best interest in mind instead of just what I wanted or what I felt I needed. I know that there were times that they had to make a tough call, do things that might hurt a little, but the bottom line was that they were parenting an immature, emotionally-charged child.

We are HIS immature emotionally charged children. We feel so strongly. And we can even be blessed with wisdom. But we never see the big picture and we would almost always let emotions influence our decisions. He doesn't do that. He is the Father who always sees what has to happen, even if it means making a decision that might hurt us.

I don't believe that He rejoices in our suffering. I do believe it pleases him when we find comfort in Him in spite of our suffering. I believe that times of suffering can be opportunities for surrender. I also believe that we are refined by each and every time we are driven to our knees in prayer. He is truly a great God, full of mercy and always in control. Nothing slips through the cracks and happens without his knowledge.

So here is a flipside of this. God allows something bad, for whatever reason. It will happen, it's part of life. And all those factors I spoke about earlier: Loss, hurt, sadness, abandonment, anger and then frustration, they can and probably will happen too. Picture each of these factors as a bullet hole in the shield of armor that the Lord has provided you with. If you get stuck in this state for too long, without trying to plug the holes with the Word of God, prayer, fellowship, and worship then what will you be left with? Just holes. And those holes are where Satan can reach you. The enemy isn't in control of your life. But he'll be more than willing to prey upon you when your armor is damaged. I wouldn't allow doubt or questioning to take root by asking for understanding that you probably aren't capable of receiving. I wouldn't try to point out to God why a loved one shouldn't have died, as he knows everything about the situation. It's a waste of time and those holes in your armor stay wide open beckoning for the enemy to creep in. Don't give Satan that window. Instead ask for comfort and peace. Ask for guidance. Ask for strength.

This has become rather longwinded but the topic had been on my heart since reading some of this particular discussion and what I really wanted to post was this: If you believe in Him, do it courageously. Don't try to wimp out and make Him sound like some lovey-dovey humanized sweetheart of a God. Declare Him sovereign over life, death, sickness, health, war, peace, satan, people... all of the universe which He created. Worship Him and praise Him for all that you are blessed with. And when your heart is aching and you can't begin to picture what your world will look like without the loved one that has died.. just remember that He knows. He loves you and knows what your every tomorrow holds, so trust Him and let Him be your comfort.

He can handle it. They don't call him the Almighty for nothing.

One Last Hurrah!!!

2011-03-01T01:08:00.000-05:00

I truly have no reason for this post.. well no real reason anyway. It's more just a "Well I'm awake, and nobody else is (at least for the next five minutes) so why not write a blog post?"

The thing is, for the past week my nights have been occupied by sick kids. They still aren't well, but now I'm sick too. Why is it that they never want to coddle me when I'm sick? In fact they have very little mercy towards me. I'm sure I could dig deep and come up with a spiritual teaching moment on the selfishness of little children and how that can translate into adulthood. But please don't expect me to.

It's late and I'm tired. And sick. No deep thoughts coming from this brain.

The only thing that's really on my heart right now (besides the chocolate cake that's beckoning me from the fridge) is the devotion that I read today. I'm reading Streams in the Desert and today's devotion ended with a word picture of Martin Luther's and to paraphrase it, he talked about how our life and happenings are like words in a printing press that have been set. To look at it the words make no sense because they would read backwards.. but when complete the words are printed and culminate into something collective that can be read and that fit together.

Well I can relate to that. While a work in progress the typeset of my life would make no sense. But I know that when I truly live after this life it will all make sense. I don't need to see the full picture, to see the words in context of the grand novel that is my life. God wrote that novel and He knows how the words fit together on the page.

Clear as mud? As I said it's late.

Which means that I'm signing off to attempt an hour of sleep before the next sick child awakes. Don't expect any late night posts from me in the future, in fact consider this my last hurrah in a way. For the month of March I have committed to the 3in30 challenge and will thereby be in bed early. As in ten o'clock. ish. I know that's not early for some of you. But we still maintain quite the late schedule from my working days, hardly ever starting our after-dinner-routine until around 8:00. Ten o'clock is going to mean really putting the rush on to get what we want accomplished in the evenings and still have time to relax. Plus nights are the rare times of silence and privacy around here.

Someone out there is advising me to get up earlier for more silence and privacy, I'm sure. That would defeat my purpose of sleeping more though. I want to get more sleep. And I want to still have hours of great time with my husband in the evenings. I want it all.

Besides if you think my post-midnight blogging is incoherent you should see my pre-9AM blogging. It's ugly I tell you. Ugly.

March 3 in 30 Challenge - Goals

2011-02-27T02:33:00.000-05:00

I've been catching up on some of my blog reading recently, and one of my very favorite blogs is he{art}, where Sherry showcases how the Lord is working in her life, her family, and her artistic inspiration. She has given me some great ideas as of late, and this idea is one of them. I'm going to sign up for one of the challenges she's participating in, called "3 in 30".

This challenge is meant to knock goals off your "to-do" list, but in a smaller scale. This is good for me because while I'm a big fan of lists in general, I tend to be intimidated by them and don't function well at actually tackling the things on my lists.. maybe it's my rebellion against schedule. Or maybe it's just that I have too many things on my list. Or maybe I need accountability.

This challenge may very well help me.

So here are my 3 goals to accomplish in 30 days. (The month of March)

#1. Lose 5 or more pounds. This really isn't a huge goal, I know. But honestly, with my dear sweet husband working so hard to stay with his P90x plan.. the proper thing for me to do would be to support him. Unfortunately I'm not convicted enough to want to diet myself. What am I convicted to do? Well blog and participate in challenges of course!! So if I feel convicted to lose a handful of pounds because of this list then I'll in turn become subconsciously more supportive of him. Do you see where I'm going with this? Plus I could of course use the weight lost.

I'm not a fan of diets in general so my plan of attack on this is to eat a little less (I've been consuming almost exactly what a nursing mom should consume if not looking to lose weight, according to sparkpeople, so I'm going to aim at cutting about 300 calories off my consumption) and I'm going to exercise a little more. This is insanely hard right now because I refuse to pay for a gym membership, but it's 14 degrees and there's a foot of snow on the ground. I also have no success with workout dvds. There isn't enough privacy around here to accomplish them unless I want to add diaper changing and hurdling around a 3 year old into the routine. So I'm going to at least attempt a walk a few times a week. Hopefully my dear sweet husband (are you reading this?) will agree with this idea because I'd like to have at least 3 hours of time each week with nobody else around me anyway.

#2 on my list is to write a letter or card to someone, actually two letters each week. That's right, I'm going to break out a good old fashioned pen and paper. I am disgruntled by the cutting of cursive out of many public school curriculums. That's one advantage of homeschooling is that I can keep cursive and I plan on teaching my kids good penmanship. Just because so much is done on computers, doesn't mean that handwriting should be devalued. So not only am I going to write a couple of notes to people each week, but I am going to attempt to write them in strict cursive, none of the half & half handwriting that I usually use. Perhaps I'll even use proper English. Ah, who are we kidding that ain't a gonna happen. Ha!!

#3 on my list is... go to bed by 10:00pm. This will be the hardest. I have a feeling I might as well resign to the fact that there will be days when it won't happen. (I know that we hardly ever are home from prayer and praise in time to be tucked in by ten.) But I'm going to try. It's a necessity.

So that's it. I have a few more days before this challenge officially begins. Pray for me. I'll probably need it. If you feel convicted to join in then jump on over to the 3 in 30 home post and follow the directions to grab the button, etc.

Relationships: Not My Area of Expertise

2011-02-24T02:50:00.000-05:00

I truly hope you're not clicking on this blog post hoping that I'm giving priceless tips for a successful romance. Because I'm not. Honestly you really don't want my tips because anyone will tell you that my idea of romance looks something like a car ride to walmart to buy lightbulbs. Yup. I've got no game. But enough about me.

What's on my mind is something more like what relationships are built upon, or rather the point at which they cross that line between a surface relationship and a solid, true relationship. What would your guess be? Is it after a certain period of time? Is it sharing a bunch of experiences together? Is it being likeminded and like-goaled? (I'm fully aware that isn't a word)

Well. I think I have some insight here. I think I know, or rather I may have figured at least a little of it out. And to top it off, if it's true, then I may just know how to A. improve some of the relationships I'm already in.. and B. try to build some new relationships that are better grounded.

It all started when I was reading Trina's blog post about her Facebook fast in which she tells a few of the majorly adventageous reasons her fast was successful. I found myself caught up in thought over her idea that Facebook presents some poor quality communication. It wasn't that I was in disagreement, but I still struggled with the "why" behind it, and I knew that my reasons for why it was true weren't the same as her reasons. (She cites lack of voice tone, facial expression, etc. among others which is entirely true also.)

At first I thought, "Traci you're just being rebellious because of your personal love of the written word." And I tried to drop it. And it just didn't drop. So I found myself thinking about it some more. So I started praying about it. And thinking of some of the spectacular friendships that I've managed to forge with a handful of lovely ladies first over an online community I'm a part of.. and now maintain via Facebook. And admittedly I'm not the one that they call to come over and help them paint their living room on a whim since we're states apart, but I could very well be the one they'd email or send a message to when their heart is broken or they're having a rough time.

So why is it that I can boldly declare some of these online relationships more real than some relationships that I've made in real life?

The answer? (You're waiting, breathless with anticipation aren't you?)

It's vulnerability. That's what exists with these women. They know me, they know things about me that I've shared with barely anyone else. They've heard my fears and I've heard theirs. I know what was on their hearts when their husband cheated, or their son married the girl they wouldn't have chosen, or when they were forced to face their fears and re-enter the workforce after years of being at home, or their best friend died. I've shed heartfelt tears for these women. I know that they have done the same for me. And I know that when we've lost one of our own we've cried together.

I've sat at my cold, non-human computer screen and busted into tears reading the news that a second one of these friends has passed. I've felt that loss in such a real, heart aching way that it's hard for me to believe that I never had the chance to meet the woman. And when my daughter wears that sweater now I still feel the loss. I can remember notes that she wrote me that encouraged me in ways that nobody else could have.

And what's the reason that nobody else could have? Because I had been VULNERABLE with her, in ways that I hadn't with others. My guard was dropped; my walls were crumbled. I wasn't staying on the surface, very much the opposite actually. I know why. It wasn't on purpose, or because it's healthy and truthful. It's because it's anonymous. Even if she judges me or gossips about me who is she going to tell? It's fabulous really, it's real friendship without the fears of rejection.

But the thing is, the really sad thing, is that it proves how unreal most of my other "real life" relationships are. And it showed me exactly why. There is a lack of vulnerability.

So I guess here is where I'm convicted. I need to be more real. I need to be more vulnerable. I'm not saying I need to spend every waking facebook post whining about my latest papercut or running down my husband because he doesn't notice my haircut. *disclaimer: he actually did notice my haircut* It means that I need to make an effort to post more than just the shiny "God gave me a perfect life" posts. Because it's inaccurate and it's the F word. No, not THAT F word. Jeesh people. I'm talking about Fake. I'm sure that everyone wants to see me "like" something or hear about how I made the best cookies that day, or my kids did the cutest thing. But what if I actually take the chance to share something a little more human, or better yet chat at them and let them know that my heart is aching over something similar to what they're walking through? Let's face it, life's not all rainbows and butterflies.

This isn't just about Facebook either. It's real life. I need to share more than the surface stuff. I need to ask for prayer when I need it. I need to go to someone when I'm having a hard time dealing with something. I have friends who have probably dealt with that something already and who could encourage me. And our relationship could majorly grow from me being real enough to admit that I have issues. Or that I'm hurting. Or that I'm insane.

Well, they probably already know that.

I'm not an image oriented person.. but I have struggles with being too private. And I'm comfortable with being private. But sometimes privacy creates walls that not only hold everything in place, but also prevent growth.

On the flip side of all this, what could come of me being more real? Well, yes there is a chance that the receiving party could judge me, could form less than optimal opinions of me, or could break my trust. But then again it could prove fruitful, in that she could all of a sudden feel at ease herself to become more open. And low and behold our friendship could move to the next level.

And then the best part? Think about the most awesome relationship I can have (sorry Michael, this one's not about you) and that's the one with Jesus Christ. If I'm not vulnerable with God, and I try to hold up my walls where will that lead? The idea is senseless because He of all people knows everything already, but let's just say I refuse to share my heart with Him willingly. Let's say I keep a little moat around the castle where I keep the bigger, scarier fears and dreams. Do you know what that means? It means that I have not truly surrendered my heart or myself to Christ. Scary thought isn't it? If we aren't broken then how can He put us back together with the binding glue of his grace? I have to quote Hebrews 2:16-18 here.

For indeed He does not give aid to angels, but He does give aid to the seed of Abraham. Therefore, in all things He had to be made like His brethren, that He might be a merciful and faithful High Priest in things pertaining to God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For in that He Himself has suffered, being tempted, He is able to aid those who are tempted.

He wasn't here to help the angels. He wasn't sent to save the perfect, the strong. He was sent to save the broken, the weak, the helpless... should I be too proud to stand, or better yet fall to my knees and cry out the truth so that I can be blessed enough to fully receive his grace? It would mean rejecting what would be the best relationship I could ever be a part of.

So here's to being vulnerable. Here's to letting my guard down. And here's to being real everywhere. On Facebook. At the grocery store. In the living room. At church. In mourning. In my happiest of moments. In the sunshine. On the rainy days. On my darkest days. Because as Trina has pointed out, my time is too valuable to waste on bad quality facebook relationships... and it definitely is too valuable to waste on bad quality relationships in real life.

To read my own thoughts on unwanted facebook side effects read about My Other Relationship.

For Those Who Are Overwhelmed...

2011-02-19T03:01:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I posted this on my facebook account with the intent to post it here also... but it never happened. Well I'm posting it now, because this same verse is once again providing me comfort.

Isaiah 43

Fear not, for I have redeemed you, O Israel;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you.

For I am the Lord your god,

the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.

You are precious in my eyes, and honored,

and I love you.

If the waters your're wading through seem like they're going to sweep you away, take heart in knowing that He's in control of both the waters and the wader.. He has called YOU by name and YOU are His. Look to Him and see what love and sacrifice he offers in Jesus. We don't have to be perfect. We don't have to be strong. We don't even have to be good people. He meets us when we call, he expects our weakness, and he loves us through our sins. He gave his son in sacrifice for a world of people who will never deserve it. The only thing he asks of us is that we trust him with everything that we are, that we are His. It doesn't make the hard times easier.. just better, less overwhelming, giving comfort... and giving us hope - the kind of hope that only comes from knowing that when this life ends, a much better life begins.

I have called you by name, and you are mine.