Seriously?!

Any other state > Florida

2011-09-12T22:56:00.002-04:00

I just got back from California. I visited a friend who is leaving for Italy soon, saw some family I haven’t seen in way too long, also saw a couple old high school friends, met some new people. Good times. Now, I’m back in Florida...shitty, shitty Florida. Yeah, Florida has been home to me for 27 years now, doesn’t mean I have to like it. What don’t I like about it? I’m glad you asked...

Let’s start with the weather. I went up to work today just to say hi since I know they missed me while I was gone (don’t any of you deny it either!) and during that 2 minute (if that) walk from my car to the door, I was sweating like a disgusting pig. I sat on the beach for a good couple of hours in San Diego and guess what!? Not one drop of sweat. Take that, Florida. I mean, the water was colder than a whore’s heart but, that’s beside the point. It also didn’t rain the whole time I was there, which was amazing. Now, I’m back in Florida...which means, it’s back to afternoon showers. Or morning showers. Or evening showers. Or, better yet, all damn day showers. Basically, Florida’s weather will fuck up your day in some way. I would suggest bringing a change of clothes and deodorant wherever you go. The heat itself isn’t so bad, it’s the humidity/heat combo that will leave you smelling like a decaying body on a summer afternoon. Also, bring some makeup because the humidity will melt that shit right off your sun damaged face.

Old people come to Florida to retire a.k.a. turn into zombies, die, be jerks...whatever you wanna call it. They are all over the place, which makes for some awful driving. I did notice some asshole-ish driving in California but, that wasn’t because the person driving was about to turn into a zombie due to being so old. I’m pretty sure it’s because they are just assholes and, well, there’s assholes everywhere soo...who cares, right? Yeah yeah, I know there's also old people in other states as well but, they run this shit.

Scenery. Florida doesn’t have it. Yeah, there’s beaches. What else is there? Nothing...so, I don’t think I need to say anything else about our lack of scenery.

Food. The food up north is BOMB. The owner of a pizza place in Boston told me that the difference between the food up north and in Florida is the water. Way to go, Florida. You can’t even have decent water. We are surrounded by water and you can’t even do that right.

Sure, Florida is the Sunshine State. However, before you decide to move here, just remember....we are also home to the shark bite capital of the world. Just go back to my shark week post if you need a reminder about those bad ass bitches. Another fun thing I have heard (may or may not be true but, it wouldn't surprise me), we are also home to one of the lightning strike capitals of the world.

Humidity, zombie old people, sharks, and lightning. You’re probably asking yourself why I still live here. Well folks, I didn't CHOOSE to be born here. When you can tell me why people CHOOSE to come here, I will tell you why I still reside in this black hole we call Florida.

~Kelly

Crocs

2011-08-18T19:57:00.001-04:00

I’ve been wanting to do a post on Crocs for a long time. I’m not really sure where to begin so I’ll start with this lovely picture.

You had to wear socks with them? What are you, an 80 year old man?

Katie wears these hideous shoes so I'm sure I will probably get shit for this post. Too bad I don't give a shit. Crocs are the most disgusting, unflattering, awful looking shoes I have seen. Ever. In life. Anytime I see a whole family of Croc wearing freakos, I want to push them all down and make them skin their knees. Even the kids. OK OK...Maybe I am going too far here. My mom wears crocs, so does my oldest brother, and his kids. I wouldn’t push them down and make them skin their knees but, I sure as shit will make fun of them for it. Well, not the kids...I’m not a fucking monster, ok? However, my mom and brother...fair game.

F’real doh...what’s the big deal? They are expensive ass CLOGS. Oh, my bad...they make Croc HEELS now, and flats, and other shoes that might be considered “cute”. Hate to break it to you Crocs but, that shit is still hideous. As soon as I see the little Croc logo, I’m done. They even make little charms to stick in the holes of the clog-type Crocs. Just so everyone knows, this just draws more attention to your stupid looking shoes.

These are some real cute heels, ladies! You can wear them when you go on that Eharmony date!

Why does one wear crocs? Is it because they are (allegedly) comfortable? You’re a nurse (or something like that) and you’re on your feet all the time, huh? Well, fuck that. Listen, all I’m sayin’ is...I’m on my feet all day and I would rather be seen out in public wearing a pair of old man house shoes (with some mother fuckin' socks!) than Crocs. What are you going to wear when Crocs are made obsolete? Because that's what I'm hoping will happen...they will become extinct like the fucking dinosaurs.

Why are they showcasing these by the fireplace? Are they trying to make the furry Crocs looks sexy? Not working.

Like my cousin Laura says...Crocs are for fanny pack wearing tourists. Let’s keep it that way. Or maybe just eliminate them all together. The Crocs, not the fanny pack wearing tourists.

~Kelly

For real though...

2011-08-15T21:03:00.000-04:00

I hate driving. I am an angry driver, a speeder, and I take corners way too fast. I try not to follow too closely but, sometimes it just happens. Why does that happen you ask? Well, one reason might be because the asshole in front of me is driving slow as molasses in the LEFT LANE. Most of the time, there are signs (I’ve seen them on the interstate, don’t pretend they aren’t there) that say ‘SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT’. If you are unsure on what that means, I will tell you. It means get the fuck out of the left lane if you are going to go any slower than the speed limit that is posted. Seriously, what is your fucking deal? Are you unaware that there is a line of 17 cars behind you trying to get around you?! Open your eyes and pay attention to the road!

What is with people pulling out in front of me as I am about to pass them? And then once you pull out in front of me, you drive slow as hell? If you’re gonna creep along, wait a second and pull out AFTER I have passed you. You might save yourself from being rear ended. Yeah, it’s Florida so it would be my fault if I rear ended YOU (even though YOU are the one that had the audacity to pull out in front of ME and only go 35mph when the posted speed limit is 45mph) but, your car would still be fucked. From behind. Ha.

Stop freaking out when it rains. If it’s that bad and you can’t see, pull over. Yesterday, I was driving home from spending my hard earned money when it started pouring. I couldn’t see shit, so what did I do? I turned on my hazards and slowed down. Yeah, I was driving slower than I prefer but, at least I wasn’t looking like an jerk while I hydroplaned all over the damn place.

Another thing you should stop doing is cutting me off. Don’t give me a dirty look or the finger after cutting me off either. You’re the impatient one. What are you cutting me off for anyway? Are you trying to beat me to that red light you just got caught at? Nice one, dickface.

Please keep in mind, I am not advising anyone to drive recklessly. Don’t drive around like you have no regard for human life, just....stay out of the left lane if you’re one of ‘those’ drivers, stop cutting me off, and keep your cool when it rains. That’s all I ask of you. Remember, my car will fuck yours up should I happen to rear end it. Florida says it’s my fault but, your asshole-ish ways makes it look like your fault.

~Kelly

Please stop. I beg of you.

2011-08-11T23:47:00.002-04:00

I remember using AOL chat when I was in middle school, or maybe high school...I don’t know, basically a long ass time ago....Anyway, the abbreviation ‘LOL’ was being used frequently. I also remember using ‘LOL’ when I was ACTUALLY laughing out loud. When did that stop? I’m beginning to think people no longer understand what ‘LOL’ means. If you look above at the beginning of this post again, you will see that it means LAUGHING OUT LOUD. I know that might be a hard concept for some of you to grasp but, let’s see if I can break it down for you. It IS appropriate to use ‘LOL’ if you are actually laughing. It is NOT appropriate to use it as filler. Here is an example of what I mean by ‘filler’. This is an actual Facebook status that I saw recently...”Had a great day at work lol! Time for a relaxing weekend lol!”. Am I missing something? Why is that funny? Are you really laughing out loud as you type that? If you are, I imagine a lunatic laughing maniacally and typing frantically on their computer....and that is not ok, unless you are about to take over the world or some crazy shit like that.

Also not ok...the ‘LOL sandwich’. If you don’t know what I mean by this, here is another example. “LOL it’s such a great day out LOL”. The double LOL is not necessary, I promise. I get the point. It’s a great day and for some reason you think that is hilarious. Whatever. Oh, and while I’m at it the ‘lol hahaha lol’ combo is redundant. Do you know what ‘redundant’ means? If not, I’ll tell you...it’s an adjective and it means ‘in excess’ or ‘exceeding what is needed’. Get it?

What is with all the variations of LOL anyway? I have seen LMAO (or LMBO for those that don’t have the mouth of a sailor), LMFAO, lolz, ROFL, lawl, and lulz. What the hell do those last two even mean?! I don’t f*cking get it.

I understand if you want to use it here and there..ya know, when you are actually laughing. I use it every now and then but, for the most part I stick to the standard “hahaha” or “cackle cackle cackle” (I cackle sometimes, f*ck you). Let’s all try to stop being ‘LOL’ over-users. You will be better people and you will look like less of a douche for it. To those of my friends (off the top of my head, Tonyia and Kristen!!) that flood my texts with LOLs out the asshole, stop that shit. Seriously.

~Kelly

back to school

2011-08-09T23:27:00.001-04:00

I just want to start out this post with a semi-sincere apology for the gap in between posts. It's back to school time and we have been too busy at work to come home and use the muscles in our fingers.

School starts tomorrow around these parts... it really brings out the procrastinators, that's for sure. You would think that parents would want to get all of the preparations for school at least a week or two in advance. They don't. You would think that parents get all of the school shopping done way in advance. They don't. You would think that parents got their kids haircut done earlier than the day before school starts. They definitely don't.

Kids going back to school means new clothes, new shoes, school supplies and a haircut to most people. It seems like everybody waits until the last minute to remember that their kid is going back to school. I admit, I am totally slacking on getting my kid's school supplies for his very first ever day of school. What can I say… I'm a busy working mom.

Why are my tips shitty during back to school time? Why are my service sales lower during back to school time? Why are my nerves shot during back to school week? Why don't you, as a parent, understand that I am having to deal with not only your little turd, but also you? There may even be a significant other that I have to deal with as well. Children's haircuts should cost twice as much as an adult cut. YOU should tip twice as much as you do when I cut your hair... Merely for making me and other stylists stress the #@(^ out. Tell me how you/the kid wants the haircut, get out of my way, come back to approve or disapprove, pay and leave. By you staying the #@(^ out of my way, you are easing my stress. By you checking to approve or disapprove, I won’t have to cut your brat’s hair 5 times. Win win.

More importantly, don't bring your lice ridden turd in to get a haircut hoping the stylist will not see!!!! Are you #@(^!?$ kidding me?! Bullshit! I cannot tell you how many liced up children have been brought to me just for me to have to diagnose that shit! You damn well know your #@(^!?$ kid has lice!!!!!!! You probably tried to dye it, or chop at it already. It is against State Board Regulations for me or any stylist to do hair with lice all up in it. Take that shit home, treat it and everything in your house and after they are completely gone, then feel free to return.

* Gross. Do something about that shit. Don't keep spreading it! *

~Katie

May I take your mother f*cking order?

2011-08-05T22:40:00.000-04:00

Most people that know me know that I love fast food. I don’t know why. I just do and don’t you dare judge me.

So the other day, I go through the Burger King drive through. The guy that takes my order sounds similar to Napoleon Dynamite....except mopier. So he’s all mopey sounding, asking me what I want...so I tell him I want a #whatever, with just bacon (of course) and cheese. I’m still deciding what to drink when he says (remember, he sounds like a super mopey Napoleon Dynamite) “What size and drink and stuff?”. Ah...what? What size and drink and stuff? Who speaks to a customer that way? People that hate their job (and probably their life), that’s who. Listen, I understand you hate your job. I get it, I really do...but, either do your job with some mother f*cking love or find another line of work. I don’t need your shitty attitude putting me in a bad mood when I’m just trying to get a BK Double Stacker on my way to work! Then I’m going to go to work and give people shitty hair cuts and it will be ALL your fault. Then you will have ruined my client's day, plus mine. Oh, and all my co-workers' day too because they have to deal with my now shitty attitude on account of YOU.

And what the hell is up with you totally f*cking up my order? All you have to do is turn up the volume on your headset, take my order, press the keys on the register that have the little pictures on them, take my money, give me my change, and give me my food THE WAY I ORDERED IT! Really...how hard is it? I mean, you already work in fast food.....stop making your life worse by sucking at what is probably one of the easiest jobs on the planet. If you won’t do it, there are others out there that will. Maybe they will give me my shit the way I order it.

And that’s real talk, assholes.

~Kelly

Smoking

2011-08-04T23:36:00.004-04:00

If you were unaware… smoking is gross. It is an air pollutant, it is super expensive, makes you and your breath stink, makes you sound like you’re 72 when you really just turned 22!!!... and most importantly, it can kill you. Not quickly either. COPD, emphysema, lung cancer, etc. It kills you slowly (usually)… so slow, you’d probably want to off yourself in the process. You may have to get an entire lung removed; that’s if the other one is even salvageable.

I admit, I used to be a smoker. I was never a really heavy smoker, but I did smoke for many, many years. I quit for the third and final time. Woo! Best part about me quitting, is I (ONLY) reduced my early death!

My dad passed away a little over 8 years ago. We didn’t find out until he was in the ICU, but he was smoking 4 packs a day. He had emphysema, chronic respiratory infection and beginning stages of lung cancer when he died. He was a great man, one who I wish everyday that I never lost him. Maybe if he wasn’t smoking a carton of cigarettes every 2 ½ days, he would still be here with me and my kids would still have their papa. Instead, he never even got to meet my sons on this earth.

I have seen old ass people attached to their oxygen tanks, super young kids who stole their parent’s smokes and even pregnant smokers! Really?! Pregnant?? Come on now! Its one thing for the 95 year old who doesn’t give a shit about his life anymore because he’s on his last leg, has no family and the morphine drip just doesn’t cut the stress of impending death. But a pregnant woman? What is wrong with you?

Do you know that there is a new life growing inside of you? Just quit! Most of these women who are polluting their baby’s lungs as well as their own, will tell you “my doctor said to keep smoking, because the stress of me quitting will hurt the baby more”. Are you #@(^!?$ kidding me? That would be my first clue to get a new doctor. Call me crazy, but I would just assume that a good doctor will help you quit smoking in a way that would be safe for the baby. Pfft… what do I know?! While it is true that the placenta acts as a filter from mother to baby, it doesn’t filter out everything!

I honestly do understand the addiction. Everyone knows there are addictive ingredients placed with love by the cigarette manufacturers. How else would they get you to spend all of your rent money and smoke a rolled up piece of filthy ass turd 20+ times a #@(^!?$ day?! Find something to do that helps fill the void caused by not spending 2 1/2+ hours per day smoking!

Back in the day, smoking was cool. It has been a ‘thing’ for the hip, the rich, the poor, and everyone else in between at some point in time. Now though… now it is 2011 and it is thankfully getting more and more unusual to see. However, there are still some of you smokers out there! You know who you are!! Stop it! You are not cool, you smell fresh like that new 'ashtray' scented body wash, your teeth are brown and your breath smells awful. No matter what age you are or what kind of health you are in, you are gonna sound like at any minute gigantic pieces of lung and tissue will come catapulting out of your mouth during mid sentence! Oh no! Not my eye!! Not projectile mucus and membranes all over my face!

You are spending way too much of your (possibly) hard earned money! And you gon die!!!!

~Katie

Bad Ass Kids

2011-08-04T00:27:00.001-04:00

It’s usually pretty easy to spot them. Sometimes, you may even want to run away screaming when they open their mouths…

Bad ass little kids seems to be an epidemic lately. You see all of these little bratty ass turds who are running their parents. They are the boss. They are the deciding factor on everything in their household. You, as a parent (or caregiver) is letting them behave that way.

I see kids running amok everywhere; stores, restaurants, etc. The worst part about it is, I do NOT see their parent(s) making even the slightest attempt to control their child(ren). They are just letting them scream and throw alfredo noodles in another Olive Garden customer’s hair. Seriously though… your kid throws shit at me and I’m gonna beat YOUR ass…

To spank or not to spank… SPANK THEM! You don’t have to beat the shit out of your precious little angel, but a nice firm pop to the heiny or hand and they should (hopefully) see that you mean business. However, I do not believe in this kind of discipline in public. Take that kind of punishment to the bathroom if you have to. If you discipline your child in your own home, all it should take is a threat outside of the house.

I think some people are too afraid of DCF / CPS. Every parent should fear the potential removal of your child from your home, of course. But don’t be so afraid someone is gonna swoop in and take your kid away that you fear to say “NO”!

You are the parent, you make the rules. Control your little turds, people. Don’t let them control you.

~Katie

bacon, how i love thee

2011-08-03T17:05:00.002-04:00

If you don’t love bacon, there is something very wrong with you (Laura!!). You need a psychological evaluation ASAP. Why would you not love bacon? What’d bacon ever to do you but be super tasty and amazing and succulent and delicious?

I eat bacon everyday. No lie. It’s turkey bacon but, it’s still bacon. I figured if I was gonna eat bacon everyday of my life, maybe I should try a healthier version. If I could live in a house of bacon and then eventually eat my way out of it, I would. All my furniture would be made of bacon, too. I would eat bacon for dinner. Bacon, with mashed bacon on the side, drizzled in bacon gravy. Then for dessert, I would have bacon chocolate. That’s a real thing and it’s
delicious.

A few months back, Denny’s had some promotion going on called ‘Baconalia: A Celebration of Bacon’. They had bacon flapjacks, bacon meatloaf, maple bacon sundaes...among other things packed full of bacon-y, artery clogging goodness. That only lasted for a limited time. Big mistake, Denny’s. Bacon should be celebrated every day of every month of every year. However, even though it was for a limited time only, it was still a kind gesture and because of that, I thank you. I feel like I should name my firstborn ‘Denny’. No?

~Kelly

fatty mcfatfat

2011-08-02T22:51:00.000-04:00

We’ve all seen those episodes of Maury with the fat babies. Babies that fat are NOT cute. Yes, babies are supposed to be fat...but not Marshmallow Man fat. How do they get that fat anyway? How many happy meals does it take to make a child that damn ginormous that they have sleep apnea and diabetes at the age of 3?! You’re the parent. You control what they eat. I’m pretty sure it’s as simple as substituting the chicken nugs and fries with some vegetables. Maybe try some portion control, too. Nothing is more disgusting than watching a fat toddler put away 4 cheeseburgers in one sitting. Hmm..what else can you do to make your kid not a fat ass? Oh...go play outside! If you’re gonna let your little (or big, whatever) turd eat all the junk food in the world, the least you can do is kick their fat asses outside and make them run that shit off. And let’s stop calling them fat. Chunk, nugget, fat-fat....Yeah! Let’s let (yes, I said let. You’re the parent, remember?) our kids blow up to astronomical proportions and THEN we will call them fat. Then, after that, we will take them on the Maury Povich show and exploit the shit out of them. Way to go, parent of the year.

Can we just have a DCF representative on stand by in the audience at the Maury Povich show?

~Kelly

I don't even know...

2011-08-02T22:06:00.001-04:00

This link was posted on the Reader's Rant page by my super awesome best friend. She knows I don't get in to politics and all that jazz. Just a little disclaimer before I begin...I don't give a shit what you believe in or who you vote for or any of that other junk. I am just really glad she posted this link because the birth control issue has me interested.

Let's start with the average co-pay for birth control being $14. Must be nice to have insurance. I was uninsured for over 3 years before today. I was finally eligible to enroll in the medical insurance that my job offers. While uninsured, my birth control was damn near $90. Hopefully that will go down now that I have insurance. Sandy Rios needs to holla at me and let me know what generic birth control is only $9!!!

The next thing that caught my ear was...comparing abuse counseling with manicures and pedicures. Really?! Yeah. She said that. Do I need to even say anymore about it? F*ck you, lady.

Putting your daughter on birth control doesn't mean you are giving her permission to go out and slut it up. Maybe she suffers from ovarian cysts. Maybe she has painful periods. I've been told by every doctor I have ever had that birth control regulates that awful shit.

"You present science and facts just to present your viewpoint." Uhm....well, I think we all learned that in elementary school while doing science projects. That's what you do when you are trying to get your point across. You present FACTS to back your shit up.

And another thing....whoever has birth control laying around collecting dust, send that shit my way!

~Kelly

fat scooter

2011-08-02T21:32:00.002-04:00

As most of you know, Wal-Mart (as well as other stores) offers electric wheelchairs to those who need them during their shopping experience. If you needed a wheelchair to shop in the store, wouldn’t you have ridden up to the store already on that bitch?!

* this sunamabitch right here! *

You can’t fool me, wally world! I think we all know that those electric scooters are for the fat shoppers. You’ve seen them… the ones who are too gigantic to even get halfway around that big ass store without assistance. The ones when sitting on the scooter, it looks like they’re wearing a thong. If you can get a biggun to be comfortable in a huge store full of food... well, I don’t think I really need to finish that sentence.

Acceptable reasons to hoverround:

If you are walking with crutches, ok.

If you are super huge about to pop pregnant with triplets or more, ok.

If you lost a leg during shark week, ok.

If immediately beforehand, in the parking lot, your foot got run over, ok.

UNacceptable reasons to ride:

If you are just plain fat, not ok.

If you are suffering from lazy ass syndrome, not ok.

If you just stubbed your toe or a got a papercut or some other lame excuse, not ok.

Being fat is the perfect reason TO walk around while you’re shopping. That’s probably the most exercise you’ll get all month long. Air conditioning, drinks & snacks galore! There is even a section with pillows if you really get winded. So get up and walk, fat ass! If you are really THAT fat that you need to ride the scooter and that is the only way you can shop… Why don’t you spend some of your food money on a personal shopper who will go get you healthy food?

Not to mention, those riding scooters are awful. They take up a ton of room in the aisle, they go super slow, nobody is proficient at driving them, and reverse?! Don’t even get me started on reverse! That horrendous beeping noise!!! OMG! What’s even worse, maybe the worst part about the fat scooters?!!!!!! When these people stand up at the checkout and that thing beeps and beeps and beeps and #@(^ !?$ beeps! Are you deaf? Why don’t these people (that are standing right next to these carts) ever know it’s actually them beeping? Really?

I have personally walked around and shopped at a gigantic Wal-Mart during each of these occasions: full term pregnant (twice), in labor (once), after a c-section (twice), on crutches (twice), with jacked up vision (thrice) and fat every time I go in. I know it’s possible to walk. Even when you can’t walk! I refuse to ride in that stupid shit.

If you really don’t need to use this monstrosity, if you are just so lazy or fat that you prefer to be carried all over the place, think again before you sit your ass down. Do it for your own good, if no one else’s! Use your #@(^ !?$ feet and walk like humans were intended to do!

~Katie

* Why does this dude's pic come up every time I google image search electric wheelchair or scooter? Go ahead, try it. Creepy... *

a whole new level of fear

2011-08-02T21:08:00.001-04:00

Grotesque.

My brother and I decided to go check out some wildlife today. That’s right. Wildlife. Big mistake, since we were almost eaten alive by spiders. Don’t get me wrong, wildlife is cool and all. I just don’t want to be all up in it. I don’t do bugs, I don’t do heat and sweat, and I definitely don’t do spiders. This is why I do not camp. Well, that and the lingering fear of a Jason Voorhees like character killing everyone.

There’s this place in town called the Enchanted Forest Nature Sanctuary. It has trails that you can walk through and see all kinds of animals and bugs and things of that nature. Spiders EVERYWHERE. Why two people that are deathly afraid of spiders would go to a place like this, I have no idea.

Turns out, this place is taken over by Golden Silk Spiders (aka banana spiders). The handsome little guy pictured above was on the window of the shop before you even get to the trails. BEFORE. THE. TRAILS.

Once you start walking the trails, these jerks are everywhere. Look to your right, there’s spiders. To your left, spiders. Look up above your head, spiders!!! It looks like they are floating. What if spiders actually floated?!

Several times during this fabulous little nature walk, I was attacked by branches, leaves, sticks ‘n shit. Every single time, I thought it was a spider and I thought that was it. That’s how I was going to leave this world. I was going to be attacked by a banana spider, have a stroke, and....well, you know. Then I would freak out and run off only to be reminded not to run too fast so I didn’t run face first into a spider. There is no need for that.

Every once in a while, I would hear a noise behind us. I was certain there was some abnormally huge spider coming to get us which lead me to think about something. What if there were zombies in this nature sanctuary? THAT in turn lead me to think about several other things. You have to run from the zombies, right? Duh. Well, once you start that running shit, you run the risk of running FACE FIRST into a big ass spider. Then, what if the zombies start biting the spiders? Then you have huge zombie spiders chasing after you. F*ck that.

Here. Check out the cute little tortoise we saw today. Maybe it will help you forget about all that spider nastiness. Just kidding. It totally won't.

Oh. Just so you know, the whole time I typed this I felt like I had spiders crawling all over me. I will dream about spiders tonight. You’re welcome.

~Kelly

get off the phone

2011-08-01T23:41:00.000-04:00

Cell phone etiquette. Shit. Where to begin....?

I will start with a confession. I am borderline obsessed with my phone. I am constantly texting, kickin’ some ass on Words With Friends (or getting my ass kicked. shut up.), Facebooking...whatever. I’m not ashamed. The reason I use the word ‘borderline’ is because, unlike other cell phone addicts, I am aware that there IS a time and a place. I absolutely re-f*cking-fuse to have a personal conversation on my cell phone while I am in a restaurant, store, nail salon...wherever. I don’t want everybody else knowing my business. If I did, I would take out an ad in the damn paper. I don’t give a shit what you are doing this weekend. I don’t want to hear, in detail, about the awful date you went on last night. If you need to make a quick call to find out if so and so needs something from the store, fine. If you want to call the babysitter to see how the kids are, cool. Try to keep that phone call short and sweet. And keep your voice the f*ck down. Shit. There’s nothing more annoying than hearing a loud ass person on the phone. Ok, there are things more annoying than that but, that is up there on the list. Also. If you’re going through a check-out line, ordering food, or doing something that requires talking to someone face to face, please detach that phone from your ear. Remember, there’s probably other people waiting in line behind you. You going between the cashier and the conversation you are having about how much of a bitch your sister can be is just making everyone else wait and in turn, pissing them the hell off. Remember, cashiers are people, too. Get off your phone, let them do their job, and get your ass out of the line.

Let’s discuss that bluetooth shit real quick. You look like a douche. It appears that you are talking to yourself. I don’t get it. On the other hand, I have noticed that only middle aged white men appear to be using bluetooth technology these days, sooo...I think that means that shit is no longer ‘cool’. Whew.

You know how you can catch on fire if you pump gas while you are on your cell phone? I wish that happened every time someone used their cell phone at inappropriate times for stupid shit.

~Kelly

satan's nectar

2011-08-01T22:54:00.002-04:00

Energy drinks are quite possibly one of the WORST things to be invented ever. I will never forget the day I drank my first (and last) Red Bull. I started to feel all jittery and just wanted to do a bunch of shit and talk to everyone and not shut up ever! That lasted for about 20 minutes. After that, I crashed and felt miserable and wanted to shoot myself in the face. Uhm...F*ck that. That has to be the worst feeling in the world. I really want to compare that feeling to the way a crackhead feels when they are all...cracky ‘n shit....but, I’ve never done crack sooo I wouldn’t know.

Listen. This is what I’m getting at. No, I do not think energy drinks should have an age limit. I think those sons of whores should be outlawed. However, there are those people that are energy drink fanatics. They can’t function without them. Those idiots would probably force us into some repeat of the prohibition era. Except instead of alcohol, it’s energy drinks. Can you imagine?! People would be sneaking into their favorite speakeasy to get their energy drink fix, buying bootleg Red Bull and Monster and shit. F*cking crazies.

Ok. Let’s not go so far as to outlaw that shit. I do not think children should be drinking that crackhead ass shit. If an adult wants to be all jittery and feel like they want to shoot themselves in the face, then they can do that shit on their own.

~Kelly

sleepy time

2011-08-01T22:08:00.001-04:00

Well, I was supposed to write about sleep deprivation this morning before work but, I was busy napping due to the shitty sleep I got last night. Oh, and by “napping”, I mean laying in the recliner, watching Tabatha’s Salon Takeover and dozing off here and there. Anyone that knows me knows I suffer from random bouts of insomnia. Insomnia is a son of a bitch and f*ck you if you have not experienced it. Don’t you dare come at me with that ‘I stay up late all the time’ shit, either. You probably end up sleeping all day long. Newsflash! Staying up until 3am and then sleeping until 1pm is NOT insomnia. Talk to me when you attempt go to sleep at 11pm, don’t fall asleep until 5am or so and wake up at 8am like CLOCKWORK. Oh yeah, and in between 5am and 8am, you wake up at least 6 or 7 times.

My insomnia is so bad, I can’t even nap correctly. Who the hell fails at napping? I f*cking do. I will doze off for about 10 minutes. After that, I start snoring so loud, I wake myself up. Yeah. I snore. Laugh it up, everyone. It adds character. What has helped me through these horrific insomniac phases is.....(drum roll please) Valerian Root! Or, V-root as I like to call it. That shit is magical. Take it around 8 or 9 and I’m asleep by 11.

And you dildos that claim to only need 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night. Shut the hell up. You probably have some closet speed addiction that helps you get through the day. When I sleep for anything less than 7 hours, I feel like I cannot function. I actually hallucinate. Shit. I hope those were hallucinations. They probably were....right?

~Kelly

Robots

2011-08-01T00:05:00.000-04:00

I had this returning client in my chair today and I said the sometimes open ended question… “How are you?”

Her response to me (in a raspy, 85 year old smoker’s voice from Queens) was:

“Well, honey… you’re never gonna believe this. I am in a lot of pain and moving really slow because I’m still recovering from a complete hysterectomy. And what’s even more unfrigginbelievable is that a friggin robot did my surgery through my damn bellybutton.” I will save you from the details she proceeded to tell me all about. I will, in fact, be researching how to erase those said details from my memory (‘Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind’ style).

Are you kidding me? Ok, its one thing that they are doing a shit ton of surgeries now through your (what used to be) tiny ass bellybutton, that’s great. But you’re telling me that they are sticking a robot arm inside of your bellybutton and digging your organs out with it by use of a friggin joystick in the adjoining room??!!!!

Do we all live in the matrix?

~Katie

shhh!!!

2011-07-31T23:45:00.000-04:00

So, you just spent your life savings on that new movie that’s playing....maybe it’s some new Harry Potter shit, maybe it’s a romantic comedy (a rom-com, if you will), it might even be some god awful movie featuring Angelina Jolie. Whatever your movie of choice is, you’re super excited to see it. You bought your $9 bag of popcorn and your $7 soda. You have your movie sweater and you are ready to go. They show some previews of some movies you may or may not see. Whatever. The lights are dimmed! Hell yeah! It’s almost showtime!!! Finally the movie starts. About 20 minutes into it, some asshole starts talking. Well guess what, jerks!! That asshole is me! That’s right. I am, in fact, a movie talker. Bet you didn’t think I would take that approach when you submitted this on the reader’s rant page (I know it was you, Mom!!), did you? Listen, I also just spent my whole life savings to watch this movie! If i want to make some comments here and there about the movie, I am going to do just that. Chances are, the douche that is spending the whole movie trying to open his bag of Twizzlers is causing more of a ruckus than I am by talking. Really, people...How the hell hard is it to open up a bag of candy?! Oh. I’m sorry. Is my talking distracting you from the guy that is texting on his bright ass cell phone?! What about the lady that couldn’t find a baby sitter so she brought her young children to the late showing of the R rated movie ? Those turds should be in bed but all they want to do is run up and down the damn aisles. How about the kid that keeps kicking the back of your chair? In my opinion, all that other shit is more annoying than my talking. Don’t like it? Too f*cking bad. While you’re busy complaining to the 17 year old movie theatre manager, I’ll be enjoying the movie that I just had to take out a loan to go see.

~Kelly

flash mob dancing

2011-07-31T22:56:00.000-04:00

What exactly is ‘flash mob dancing’? Is this actually something that people enjoy doing and get paid to do? Is there an organization that sets this type of thing up for free? Do they assume everyone loves to see a bunch of out of shape randoms on the street stop short in the middle of the road and just start bustin a move?? I just always assumed it was a bunch of out of work ‘dancers’ who were trying to get recognized. Who actually sets this shit up?

WTF would you do if you were just chillin, having some lunch and all of the sudden everyone stood up from their tables around you and started frolicking around? What if their sole purpose was to dance specifically FOR YOU? My first reaction would be to get the #@(^ up out of there… wherever you are that this horrendous scenario happens. Now if they were all up in my business and invading my personal space because some idiot commissioned these crazies to perform this monstrosity... well, I’d still get the #@(^ up out of there; as well as said ‘idiot’ would be dead to me from that point on.

You may be one of the 10 people in the world who think flash mob dancing is spectacular. If you are, oh well. I will say that it is kind of a little bit barely entertaining on tv. If you are unaware, this is unbelievable and unacceptable in real life.

However, I do have to say, the phone commercial with the one dude who gets his text late and starts dancing all by himself is pretty hilarious though. I believe that if this does, indeed become a trend… many a flash mob dancer will end up getting punched in their prancing throat.

~Katie

shark week!

2011-07-31T15:25:00.010-04:00

For all of you booger eaters that aren’t aware, shark week starts tonight. I don’t know about any of you but, I am pretty damn stoked. While I do not enjoy getting in the water at the beach for fear of being eaten by a shark, I do love to watch sharks eat shit on TV....ya know, in the comfort of my own home.

I was just watching a program called ‘10 Deadliest Sharks’. Ah...basically, sharks are no joke. There’s this shark called a Sand Tiger that eats it’s own siblings in the womb. Seriously?! These bitches are eating shit before they are even BORN. Apparently, these sharks are even referred to as ‘baby cannibals’. I repeat, BABY CANNIBAL. That is something I do not want to f*ck with. What if there were little baby humans running around eating other babies? Would you wanna have a playdate with that bad ass baby? And just imagine what a pain in the ass that kid would be as it got older.

"Hello. I ate all my siblings. Wanna hang out?"

On that same '10 Deadliest Sharks' program, I believe I heard a guy say that the Tiger Shark’s teeth can cut through bone. It might have been another shark so don’t quote me on that. The important part of that sentence is the fact that there is a shark out there that can (and probably will, if given the chance) eat right through your BONE. No thanks.

Then, there was some other show where these guys were just throwing things into the water to see if the sharks would eat them. I came to the conclusion that sharks are like babies. They put everything in their mouths just for shits and gigs. If it tastes good, they will eat it. So, the shark may not eat you whole but it will at least bite you. One of the sharks on that show turned down ham but went for a license plate which leads me to believe that sharks may be smarter than previously reported because, well, ham is disgusting. I would probably rather eat a piece of metal over ham as well...but I’m getting off topic here...

Now, I am not knocking surfers or kayakers or anyone else that takes part in some sport that requires you to be in the ocean so don’t turn into a sissy la-la and get all lame and offended once you read my next sentence. If you want to risk your limbs to catch a sweet wave, be my guest but do NOT come crying to me when a shark bites one (or all!!) of your limbs clear off. Matter of fact, stay the hell away from me with that nubby shit.

~Kelly

Closing Time

2011-07-30T21:43:00.002-04:00

Are you sure you really want to do that? Are you sure you really want to go into any establishment minutes, maybe even seconds, before they close? Really?

Now, it really doesn’t matter what type of business you go into… whether it’s a hair or nail salon, spa, restaurant, any kind of store or office, or really just anywhere. People don’t want you coming in right before they go home. That is just plain rude. If you are one of those latecomers, you are rude! As I write this and refer to closing time, I am also referring to ending shift time too. Don’t go in right when it’s time for the employee to finally end their day.

These employees have probably been working their asses off for the last 8 hours. They have probably already cleaned up and are ready to go home. Only 10 more minutes! Yes! They’ve probably already counted down the register and are ready to close the drawer. Then… here comes you, the closing time douchebag. They want to punch you in your throat as you are entering through the front door!!!

I am just going to be specific here and relate directly to me and my experiences:

If you can’t come in enough time for me to cut your hair, don’t come. Don’t show up at 4:55 and say “Hey, I know you’re leaving at 5, but can you give me a haircut? It’s just a quick trim.” First of all, there is no quick trim. For all of you who do not understand this… a trim is exactly the same as a haircut! Wow, who’d of thought?! What if I’m busy? Are you really gonna stick around and make me even later to go home?

We usually close the salon at 9pm, so cleaning commences roughly around 8:30pm if allowed. After a long, busy, wish you had roller skates kind of day; you are so ready to go just leave! However, we are a walk-in and appointment salon, so we are required to take color until 7 and haircuts until 9! When someone walks up to that door anytime after 8:45… I, as well as any other staff, am cursing your existence! I am so ready to get off of my tired ass feet, and I just want to go home. Then here comes you, closing time douchebag.

Really? Why would you really want to do that? Are you completely unaware of other people’s lives? It should just be standard regulation, maybe even a law. ~No customer, client or consumer is permitted to go into any place of business within 20 minutes of closing. If said customer disobey this rule because of any reason they will be fined an extra $25. No matter what service, food or other purchased item they insisted on receiving right before closing time.~

Think about it, people… Right before closing:

Restaurants have either cold food or hot food with spit in it. Bars have bottom of the barrel beer and liquor with cigarette butts in the bottle. Stylists have neck stabbing plans for you if you are the least bit douchey. Anywhere you go at closing time, you have staff that just want to go home. Don’t be the closing time douchebag. Be respectful people. Unless, of course, you like eating old spitty food, drinking warm smoky drinks, having your neck sliced and a jacked up haircut. If that’s the case, do whatever the #@(^ you want.

~Katie

muffin tops...

2011-07-29T23:15:00.006-04:00

...Everyone’s favorite, right?! That oh so attractive hunk of fat that hangs over the front AND sides of one’s pants. Sometimes, if someone has a super awesome muffin top, it hangs over the back of their pants as well. They seem to be more and more common lately and that is what drove me to write this. Big girls have them. Every fat guy on every sitcom has one. Even skinny bitches have them now (I’ll save that for another post). I have even seen girls as young as elementary school age with muffin tops. That is what concerns me most. How the shit is THAT happening? I’m hoping their parents are being neglectful and not buying them pants that fit....otherwise, I’m afraid the human race has somehow evolved and babies are now coming out of the womb with the dreaded muffin top (gasp!). If it is indeed the latter, I am going to make an appointment to have a complete hysterectomy immediately because I will not be forced to have a child with a muffin top. Stop buying pants that are 5 sizes too small and wear something that suits you. Also, get rid of the funhouse mirrors you have in your house that are leading you to believe that you look good with all that shit hanging over your pants. Please. I am begging you. Do not make me have muffin top babies one day. Plus, I mean....it just looks better. You’ll thank me later.

~Kelly

bringing up skanks

2011-07-28T20:29:00.003-04:00

Does your daughter act inappropriate for her age? Did your daughter start acting like a complete selfish, self-absorbed bitch before she even hit puberty? Does your daughter leave the house resembling the actress in the porn you just watched with your significant other? Does your daughter own dolls that look like prostitutes (booty shorts and camel toes included)? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, be prepared to be a grandparent before you can even get a senior discount... because YOUR daughter is, indeed, a skank.

Did you always want a little girl? Someone you could dress up in little dresses, shoes with bows, cute little pink things… blah, blah, blah. Completely understandable. However, when you go shopping and buy her inappropriate items of clothing and shoes that make her look like a miniature version of the prostitutes downtown, your fault.

So now you have your little girl, and eventually she is going to want a baby doll. By now, she is already such a brat (because of those whore-ish shoes and all of those Bratz dolls), that she had a meltdown insisting on bringing home a ‘Baby Alive’. Of course you gave in and purchased this creepy little doll just to shut your whiney little turd up. Little do you know, this baby doll will impact her future in a way you never expected.

These ‘Baby Alive’ dolls even come standard with features for different milestones real babies reach… eating, pooping, illness, first tooth, bathtime, etc. Parents who give in to these dolls are actually influencing our little girls how to be good teen moms.

So, then we move on to teaching our little girls how to be introduced into the workforce. Teen moms need jobs, too... right?! Buy her this toy and she won’t even need training at the local fast food joint. Maybe she can even be hired on as a manager!!

After your daughter gets a little older and toys are obsolete, reading is encouraged. Society throws sex, drugs & ‘paranormal romance’ (vampires, werewolves & other ridiculous creatures) into our children’s faces. Society also glamorizes girls being catty bitches so much that they assume it is the ‘norm’. If you’re not one of the ‘mean girls’, you’re not popular. So, you still want your kid to read?

No matter what influences in society your sweet little girl is impacted by, it is still your responsibility to teach her the right path. If you don’t want your daughter to look or act like a skank, pay more attention to her behavior, take the appropriate actions when necessary. If it is your daughter’s lifelong dream to become a skank when she grows up, let her decide that shit on her own. Don’t assist her by taking her school shopping at Frederick’s of Hollywood, Flirt or Fairvilla… and don’t let her read those shitty books or play with junior blow up dolls either.