Counseling in Santa Barbara

Make Space for Loving Friends and Family!

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 22:22:00 +0000

What a lonely world it can be without friends and family that care about us! Our lives get so busy sometimes, that we may just put our heads down and keep pushing through our "To Do List."

We tell our friends and family that we're sorry, but we have too much to do. We tell them that we can't go here or there. We can't meet them for lunch, or take time to go see a movie, or go for a walk. We're just too busy!

What we really are telling them -- although maybe not in so many words -- is that we really have more important things to do. In effect, we're putting them (and our relationship with them) up on the shelf. They're supposed to wait patiently there, until we're ready to go "play."

What if all of a sudden we discover that we're out of time? What if it's too late for us to decide that we miss them, and want to reconnect? Sometimes people get tired of waiting for us to make space for them. They move onto other more available relationships. Sometimes a serious illness or injury happens, and the people we love are suddenly gone!

The important thing to remember is that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow! We all need to make space in our lives for the friends and family that love us. We shouldn't put them off until tomorrow. Tomorrow may never come!

We need to reach out now to let them know we care! Think about who you need to call or go see today. Then go do it!!

Until next time,

Linda

Create a Circle of Kindness Around You, Wherever You Go!

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:30:00 +0000

"Every man has his secret sorrows, which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold, when he is only sad."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

When we're on the outside looking in, we can form a perception that isn't very accurate. We might judge people as being unfriendly, when if the truth be known, they often are just shy or maybe struggling with some unshared sorrow.

What do we gain by rushing to judgement? We don't know others' realities, unless they feel safe enough to share their truths.

We need to extend an attitude of acceptance to all we come in contact with, unless they prove themselves undeserving. If we began to treat each other with gentleness, the loneliness and sorrow that so many feel would be greatly diminished.

People have an innate need to feel loved, cared about, and accepted! This is particularly true when they're sad, confused, or afraid.

Create a circle of kindness around you! You never know when you might be extending a lifeline of caring to someone, just when its needed the most!

Until next time,

Linda

Don't Give Depression More Power

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 16:30:00 +0000

If you're depressed, the last thing you usually want to do is go outside and enjoy nature, or be somewhere around other people. You probably don't feel like being active, and you just want to be left alone. The more you allow depression to control the choices you make, though, the more powerful it becomes.

When you're alone and isolated in your house, the natural tendency is to think about the very things that are troubling you. All the old tapes start playing loud and clear -- over and over. Pretty soon, you just sink lower and lower into sadness.

We all have days when we feel down. The blue feelings come. They aren't pleasant, but they don't last. This isn't depression.

*However, if you feel a pervasive sadness that interferes with your ability to feel pleasure in anything, and it doesn't seem to be going away, the chances are good that you are experiencing at least some degree of depression.*

Do what you can to not co-operate with it! You don't want to give depression any more power over you than it already has. Think about whether this is a familiar feeling. If you've felt it before, was there anything that was helpful? I'm not talking about self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, or any negative behaviors.

I'm referring to positive choices. Did it help to talk with a friend, listen to happy music, read uplifting books, eat healthier foods, or get more exercise? These are just some of the alternatives that can lift your spirits.

If you can't think of anything that might make you feel better, and the sadness has gone on for a period of time, it may be time to get some help. It takes courage to reach out to a professional for guidance, but it can make a tremendous difference in your sense of well-being.

You deserve happiness and peace of mind! Life isn't meant to be a struggle. If you're in the Santa Barbara area, I would love to talk with you and see if I might be able to help.

Until next time,

Linda

* Photo was taken at the Japanese Gardens in Portland, OR

The Year Is Still New! What Will You Do with It?

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 21:36:00 +0000

As I sit writing this, it's the 6th of January, and our new year has just begun. There's plenty of time for each of us to make this a year filled with good health, increased happiness, and a renewed sense of purpose.

I don't know about you, but I don't personally make New Year's Resolutions. They don't seem to work for me. I do like to think of this time as a symbolic invitation to start fresh, though. The year of 2012 is like a clean slate -- ready for each of us to draw our own magic on it!

What do you want your new creation to be? Do you want to paint your year in bright, joyful colors with big, bold, open strokes? What would that look like for you?

Right now, the future possibilities might be lying dormant. Just like the scene captured in this picture! The thick blanket of snow is hiding what's underneath. There's a sense of stillness, like everything is hushed and waiting. Are you waiting too? What are you waiting for?

We all have an opportunity to look at the choices we make on a daily basis, and see if they're supporting the kind of lives we want. If they aren't, then we have the freedom to make new choices!

What if we're unhappy but uncomfortable with change? The truth is that if we keep painting our days in shades of black and gray, and staying within the same tight, little circles we know so well, nothing will change! We will get what we've always gotten.

It's unlikely that we will look back on 2012 next December 31st, and see a year of glorious, vibrant color and expansive openness, unless we dare to break out of our old, familiar behaviors! Are you willing to risk being different and maybe even vulnerable?

Are you ready to pick up your paints, and start to create your own vision for 2012?

Until next time,

Linda

* Photo credit goes to Mary Lou Aukee

The Importance of Putting the Serenity Prayer into Practice in our Lives

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 16:30:00 +0000

THE SERENITY PRAYER

God, grant me the

SERENITY

to accept the things I cannot change

COURAGE

to change the things I can

and the

WISDOM

to know the difference.

I belong to a wonderful networking group, called Contacts N Coffee, which meets every Friday morning in Santa Barbara. Part of our meeting is to stand up, and, in 30 seconds, tell the group about what we do in our business.

Last Friday, when it was my turn, I shared this prayer with the group. I did it, because I realized a big part of what I do is to help my clients put this into practice.

Many times I work with people who are really suffering with anxiety or depression. Some are not open to anything religious or spiritual. If they are open, though, and if they seem to have a belief in a higher power -- and if their faith has given them comfort at some point in their lives, I give them a copy of The Serenity Prayer.

They usually read it over quickly -- and then start to fold it and put it in their pocket or purse. I ask them to please stop. I tell them that I hope they won't just take it home, and stick it away in a drawer somewhere! I ask them to put it up where they can see it first thing in the morning -- and the last thing at night -- and to really think about how their lives might change if they could put that prayer into action.

If you are feeling stuck, and don't know what to do to start moving forward in your life, think about this simple prayer. Are you overwhelmed and anxious? Really think about how different your life would be if you could accept the things that you can't change. Then think about what it would be like it you could find the courage to change the things that you do have control over -- like the choices you make. You can forge a new path, one small step after another.

As for the wisdom, that comes one prayer at a time!

Until next time,

Linda

* Photo credit: I honestly don't remember whether my husband took this picture, or if I did, but I love the peacefulness of the scene!

The Sadness of Holidays

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 22:29:00 +0000

Do you ever walk down neighborhood streets at night, and think about the warm glowing scenes you see through the uncovered windows? I do! I like to imagine the happiness inside those homes! Sometimes, though, that isn't the reality contained within. Particularly at holidays, the scene can look festive, but the feelings inside people aren't joyous.

When I was a very young child, I read the Hans Christian Andersen story, "The Little Match Girl." It formed such an image in my mind, that it's never left me! I think about that cold, lonely, little girl, and the magical happiness she found when she struck the matches, and saw the scenes that warmed her heart, if not her body.

Do you feel like you're separated from the happiness that everyone else seems to be feeling during the holidays? Do you feel like you're on the outside looking in towards the warm glow others are feeling?

There can so often be a profound, loneliness, a deep sadness, during this time of year! The feeling of pain can be almost palpable! There you are missing those loved ones, who through death, distance, or misunderstanding are not close by. You long to reach out to them, and feel the warmth of their smile, their touch, but you can't. It can feel like you're so alone with your sorrow.

Honor the depth of your feelings, and the meaningfulness of who, and what, you're missing. Allow yourself to remember the good times, the laughter, the warmth of your mutual caring. Acknowledge the sadness and your wish to be together again. What you're feeling is honest and natural. There's nothing wrong with grieving a loss.

Then follow your internal wisdom. What do you need to help you feel better, once you have allowed yourself to feel your sadness? Do you need to get quiet within yourself and be with your feelings some more? Do you need to "talk" with God, or your loved one, through prayer or meditation? Do you need to write about what you're feeling in a journal or diary? Do you need to call a friend or family member to connect and feel less alone? Is there anything that has helped you in the past, when you've felt alone and sad?

If none of these help, and you are truly feeling the heaviness of your sorrow, please call a professional for support and guidance during this difficult time. Don't stay trapped in your sadness! There are people who care, and they can only help if they know you need them.

Until next time,

Linda

You Never Know What's Right Around the Corner!

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 16:00:00 +0000

My husband and I were out enjoying nature the other morning, and it made me think about how we see life. We came to a spot at a local bird refuge, and there was so much growing in the water that we couldn't see through it. I had a new lens on our camera, and I wanted to get some good shots, so I was feeling a bit frustrated.

My husband kept saying that there was a clearing up ahead, but I couldn't see it. After walking for awhile the growth started to lessen. Suddenly we broke through to an area where the lake became more visible. We couldn't see everything, but we could see much more than earlier.

Sometimes we get so focused on what's in front of us at the moment, that we forget what might be right around the corner. That can be wonderful if what you're dealing with is something joyful, but what if what you're dealing with something painful, frustrating, or scarey?

Like everyone else, I have hard times come into my life. When I'm in the middle of something like that, it's hard to remember that this is not going to be the focus of my life forever. If I can remind myself that I've dealt with hard times before, and I've survived, it can be helpful.

Do what you need to do to help yourself go through your times of challenge, and while you're doing that, remind yourself that change is a constant. Nothing ever stays the same. Life -- and scenery -- is constantly changing! Just when you think you can't hold on any longer, you break through all the confusion, pain, and fear -- and things start to smooth out.

Finally, we came to an area that was completely clear, and it revealed the bigger picture of the lake. It was there all the time! We just couldn't see it for awhile.

If you are at a place in your life where you just can't see an end to whatever you're struggling with, try to stay patient, reach out for help, and then gently encourage yourself to just keep moving forward until things begin to clear.

Until next time,

Linda

Let's Focus on the Blessings of Life This Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 16:34:00 +0000

These young men are three of the greatest blessings my husband and I have had in our lives! This picture was taken quite a few years ago, but I love it. It was long before our daughters-in-law and our grandchildren came to also bless our lives!

Our sons are grown now, and have moved away, but our hearts are forever intertwined with theirs. We learned to love unconditionally when they were born. What a blessing to feel that kind of love!

To all parents who read this post, please take the time to think about how much you have to be thankful for. Make sure that your children know the depth of your love for them. Every child has the right to be loved without judgment or conditions.

As parents, we need to guide our children, and set healthy limits for their behavior, but this should all be done with love and patience. Children learn by their mistakes. Falling short of our expectations should never lead them to questioning our love for them.

In the intervening years since our sons were born, our love has grown to gather in our daughters-in-law and our grandchildren. It's a remarkable thing to feel your love multiply as each new person comes in under the shelter of your heart! There's no shortage of love to go around. This tenderness goes out to many others as well.

I write and speak so much about the power of love, because I think it's critically important! This Thanksgiving, please think about all the people you love, and about all who love you. Be grateful for those wonderful blessings!

As you go through the rest of the coming year, try to remember those who might be feeling alone and forgotten. How can you gather them in? What can you do to show love for others? This world needs it's so badly!

If you're someone who feels lonely and unloved, reach out for support. Let others know what you're feeling. Let them know what you need. Don't suffer in silence! Give others a chance to be there for you!

I want to wish you all a very Happy Thanksgiving! May your hearts feel lighter as you focus on the blessings of life, rather than whatever struggles you're having -- no matter how heavy those struggles might be.

Until next time,

Linda

Are You Tuned into Your Body's Stress Signals?

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 21:09:00 +0000

Are you feeling like every part of your body aches with fatigue? Is your mind feeling fuzzy and unable to focus? Are you having trouble sleeping, no matter how exhausted you feel? These are just some of the symptoms of stress burnout!

Everyone has stress in their lives, at least from time to time. It's inevitable! The biggest problems come when we aren't tuned into our bodies enough to register the impact of the cumulative stress we've been under.

When we are disconnected from those signals, our bodies have no choice but to start speaking more loudly to us. Please don't wait until you have serious health challenges to deal with!

Take time to consider what you need right now. If you have been under a lot of stress lately, you might need to take some time out of your busy daily routine.

Think about what has to be done right now, and what can be put off for another time. Think about what you might just let go! Do you really need to go to that networking group? Does that report have to be done by you, or could someone else do it? It doesn't matter what it is, seriously ask yourself if it's absolutely necessary to attend to it. Give yourself some time and space to just breathe!

If your body has been holding a lot of stress, you might consider a massage, or a visit to a skilled chiropractor. Maybe what you need is a nap in the middle of the day, or an earlier bedtime for a few nights. Maybe you could use a few peaceful moments to meditate -- to focus on quieting your mind and allowing yourself to connect to your breath. Maybe you could nurture both body and spirit by sitting down to a healthy dinner, with beautiful music playing, candles flickering softly, and a vase of fresh, colorful flowers nearby. These are just some of the possibilities to ease the impact of stress.

The point is to really take the time to gently consider what you need. Take the focus off of what others need, and turn it toward yourself. Register what has been going on for you lately, and think about how it may have affected you. Tune into what your body is trying to tell you.

Honor yourself, and meet your own needs. It's only then, that you will be able to continue to be there for others!

Until next time,

Linda

Who Needs a Blessing from You Today?

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 14:00:00 +0000

How can you bring a blessing to someone's life today?

Do you know someone who needs to know you care?

Is there someone who you've been thinking about, but haven't reached out to connect with in some way? Could someone use a kind word or a helping hand?

When you give to others, you also receive. It might be a smile, a thank you, or an internalized good feeling that you receive, but it's a circle of blessing -- from you to them, and back to you again!

Until next time,

Linda

Do You Just Keep Having the Same Fights Over and Over?

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 15:00:00 +0000

How many times have you thought that if your husband, or wife, or partner would just stop doing the same irritating things over and over, everything would be fine?

Couples often come to see me, or another therapist, because they're tired of the constant fighting! When we first meet, I always ask each person how they see the problem. We talk about what's working, and what isn't working in their relationship.

Invariably, it becomes clear that they each have come in with the hope that I can "fix" what's wrong with the other person!

I can sure understand that! It's so much easier, and more satisfying, to see what someone else is doing wrong, than it is to see how we're contributing to the problem.

I can understand it, but it doesn't help to change anything. We only have power over ourselves. That can be a lot of power, though! We have the power to make new choices in how we think, and how we behave. We can change the dynamics of how we relate and interact with those closest to us!

No matter what anyone else is doing, there is no way that we can force them to change! They only change if they decide they want to change!

If we want things to get better in our relationships, we need to figure out what we're doing that is creating at least some of the strife. That isn't fun, but it is productive! It's empowering to see what we have control of, and how we can make choices that will contribute to our increased satisfaction, peace, and happiness.

So the next time that it feels like, "Here we go again," take a minute and really see your part in the problem. What can you do differently to bring about a different outcome?

If you are both willing to do this, you can create a major shift in your relationship. Give it a try!

* (If you're in the Santa Barbara area, give me a call (805 569-0264), and I'll be glad to help you get started.)

Until next time,

Linda

Take Time to See the Beauty Around You

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 17:00:00 +0000

"Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace." May Sarton

These roses were photographed with the morning dew still on them. Think about getting up early some morning, putting on your snug, warm clothes, and setting off for a walk through a beautiful garden yourself.

Join me in a little imaginary journey right now. You and I are going to leave our busy, daily routines behind, and take a walk together. Are you ready? Let's go!

As we stroll along through nature's majesty, we enter a sanctuary of calmness in our hearts. No matter what is going on in our lives, even when we feel fear or sorrow, there's something so life-affirming and comforting about connecting with the natural world around us, in all of its cycles.

We slow our footsteps and stand listening to the stillness. There is a grace and beauty here. We take time to breathe it in. We look at the beauty contained in a single dew drop! We're at peace with our world. We don't need to go any further. Nature has worked its magic!

Thank you for joining me on this early morning walk. Remember it the next time you need to connect to a steady center. Remember that dew drop! Life is beautiful!

We don't need to have all the answers to life's questions. We just need to gently cradle a trust in the rightness of this moment!

Until next time,

Linda

* Photo credit and copyright goes to Paul Menesez, who went out for an early morning walk through the Rose Garden in Portland, OR in October 2011

Do You Take the Time to Be Peaceful?

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 17:00:00 +0000

It's so important to find some quiet moments in our day, no matter where we are, or what we're doing. We need to actively seek or create those spaces of time to renew our spirits. Just a few minutes can make such a difference!

Step out of the busyness of your day, and celebrate just being for a little while. If you're not sure how to do this, here's a relaxation technique you can try: Focus on breathing slow, deep breaths. Become aware of your blessings, and really appreciate each of them. Open your heart just a little wider. Imagine reaching out to all of life with love and acceptance. Visualize a gentle, cloak of peacefulness settling all around you.

When you feel ready, slowly go back to your day, feeling refreshed and centered. You've taken time to give yourself a gift of renewal.

Until next time,

Linda

*Photo credit goes to Peggy Brockman -- A quiet country lane in Bishop, CA

Dare to Change!

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 17:00:00 +0000

It's hard to let go of what's familiar! There's a comfort in staying with what we know, but it can also keep us stuck.

"The world is round and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning." Ivy Baker Priest

In order to fly free, this butterfly has to let go! Think of how tight and constricted his surroundings were just a short time ago. As soon as his wings are fully dry, he will be free to lift himself into the air, and float from flower to flower. Not too long ago, he was a caterpillar, limited to crawling around on the ground.

What are you clinging to that keeps you from soaring to new heights? Allow yourself to think for a minute what your life could be like, if you simply let go of what's constricting you.

Give yourself the chance to have a new beginning! Let go of old habits, or old ways of being, that aren't working for you anymore. Take time to get yourself centered, and then gently try something new. One small step at a time can bring you a whole new worldview.

What are you waiting for? This "stuck place" isn't the ending! Trust in yourself. Trust in the universe, and watch yourself learn how to soar!

Until next time,

Linda

* Photo credit on this post goes to my husband, Jerry Menesez!

Bring More Peace to Your World Today!

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 19:36:00 +0000

September 21st is the International Day of Peace. What can you do to bring more peace into your world today? Mahatma Gandhi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world."

Peace can be external, including your family, friends, and even the world at large -- or internal, dwelling within your own heart and soul.

Let today be the beginning of more peace inside your spirit. Treat yourself gently, and with loving-kindness. Be patient when you stumble, as you are sure to do. Forgive yourself for the times you've fallen short of your own expectations. Celebrate the gains you make toward your goals, no matter how big or small they are. Reach out your hands and heart towards others when you need their guidance and support. Thank them when they reach back to you.

Let today be the beginning of more peace within your corner of the world. Try to suspend judgement of others for the things that you don't understand. None of us know the pain and fear that anyone else is carrying. Be slow to anger when someone is hurtful of your feelings. Consider forgiving those who have caused old wounds that have yet to heal. Be genuinely happy for the victories of your friends, family, and neighbors, who have endeavored long and hard toward their goals. Take the hands of any who are lost and need to find their way through the darkness surrounding them.

These are just a few ways to create more peace in your world today. Can you think of others? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Until next time,

Linda

I'm Sorry That I "Disappeared" for So Long!

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 19:11:00 +0000

I would like to offer an apology to the regular readers of this blog for not staying connected with you this last month. It's been way too long since I've reached out to you with my new thoughts! I wish I could promise that it won't happen again, but I think it's best if I don't make a promise that I might not be able to keep.

As many of you know, my mother and stepfather have been having quite a few health challenges that have needed to be dealt with the last few months. Their needs have preoccupied my mind, and have often meant that I have needed to be away from home to physically attend to them.

What I can promise you, is that I will increase my efforts to communicate with you in a more timely manner! Everyday we get a chance to make a new beginning, and that's what I'm doing today with this blog post.

Is there something that you need to attend to? Do you need a fresh beginning today? It's best if we all remember that we are each a work in progress! Sometimes we get sidetracked by life, and forget to attend to "business!" Join me in taking a deep breath, clearing out any distracting thoughts, and making the decision to "just do it!"

"Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can." -- Arthur Ashe

Until next time,

Linda

Everyone Has Magic Moments in Their Day! -- Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 17:00:00 +0000

How many of you, who are parents, remember driving somewhere with your kids, when you were hot, tired, and really stressed out? Probably most of you! If your children are young, you may have times like that right now. It's easy to get impatient, and not be at your best. What if you could have a different mindset, ready to be really present and able to connect at a heart level?

Jean Steel, an amazing writer, speaker, and teacher, shared this story with me on my Facebook business page, in response to my last blog post. It was just too touching to not share with all of you. Here's Jean's story about what I call "Magic Moments", and my response. Jean wrote:

"I call these 'perfect moments'. I used to assign my Sacramento State students to write down 10 perfect moments a week.

One gal wrote about her drive home, hot and sweaty due to not having air conditioning in the summer in Sacramento. She was a single mom, her daughter was strapped in the car sear in back.

My student was stressed, weaving through horrible traffic, needing to go to the store, thinking of all she needed to do when she got home, and when would she have the time to study? All of the sudden, her daughter says, 'Mommy.' She looks in the review mirror, and her daughter says, 'I love you.'

She wrote that was a perfect moment. She also said she was worried that she recognized it just because I had assigned it that day. She said, 'Honestly, I normally would have said, 'Honey, mommy needs to concentrate.'

Reading that was a perfect moment for ME!"

My reply to her was as follows:

"Oh, my gosh, Jean! Look how you changed that moment for both of them -- and who knows, maybe having recognized that moment, maybe you helped her change the future course of their lives! I actually got tears in my eyes as I read what you wrote.

I'm so glad that you gave your students that assignment! Looking at the moments of our lives differently can send out huge ripples of new awareness, and help to create healthier stories for all of us."

Please share more stories with us. We all need help in remembering to look for those "Magic Moments" in our days.

I was thinking of this concept today when I got home from the grocery store, and was washing the cherries I had just bought. I held up one large dark red one, and marveled at the beautiful, rich color. When I bit into it, I was so conscious of how juicy, and perfectly sweet it was! I was really able to be in that moment, and appreciate how great it tasted -- and how healthy it was. Those special moments don't have to be huge. They just have to be really noticed and appreciated!

I'll be sharing more moments, as we go along, so please leave a comment here, or send an email to linda@counselinginsb.com, or join my Facebook business page and comment there. What was your "Magic Moment" today?

Until next time,

Linda

P.S. For those of you that get my blog posts by email, just click on the title in the email, and it will take you to the blog itself, where you can click on the picture of the pencil at the bottom of the page to leave a comment.

Everyone Has Magic Moments in Their Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 21:45:00 +0000

I was sitting at the table working on client files this morning, when something caught my eye. It was a beautiful, brilliantly colored male oriole! He flew across our patio and landed in a small fig tree we have nearby.

I sat looking out through the french doors mesmerized as the sun made his bright yellow body seem to glow! He explored the tree, and then flew over to the pond, and momentarily perched on the rocks near the small waterfall. He soon flew off, probably in search of the hummingbird feeder that was just out of sight from where I was sitting.

It made me wonder about all the other magic moments that happen in the day for everyone. I wonder how many people really, truly pay attention to those moments. I know there are times that I'm looking, but not really seeing, what's right in front of me. I get preoccupied with something, and I miss the blessings that are all around me. Does that happen to you?

Try going through your day in a more mindful way. Take the time to cherish those special moments. I'm going to be writing more about this in the next few days, because I think these moments are what enriches our lives.

Please add your own comments here (by clicking on the picture of the pencil), so that others can learn to see with more thoughtful eyes -- or send an email to: linda@counselinginsb.com

I would love to make a giant compilation of magic moments to cheer us all up when we are feeling anxious or a bit down and maybe even depressed. Can you help me out by sharing the small blessings of your day? Anything that makes you happy in the moment counts!

Until next time,

Linda

Struggling to Meet the Needs of Loved Ones with Alzheimer's Disease: A Daunting Task for Caregivers

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 15:27:00 +0000

Alzheimer's is a very cruel disease! It robs not only the person afflicted with it of anything resembling a normal life, but, over time, it also severely impacts the caregiver.

I've been away from home the last week and a half, trying to help my sister meet my stepfather's needs. He is 90 years old, and in the later stages of Alzheimer's Disease.

She has been caring for him, and for our disabled mom, for quite awhile now, and it has seriously impacted her own physical and emotional well-being. After a serious illness, our mom is in a convalescent hospital. This adds new issues to deal with, but my sister's "hands-on" caregiving is a bit lighter in that regard. Unfortunately, our stepfather has entered a new phase of his disease, and has periods of great agitation, which are very difficult to deal with for a family member who is already worn out.

I'm writing this blog post in the hopes that it will reach those who need support for themselves, or information on how to better meet the needs of their loved ones. We are learning as we go along, but if we had known more resources and had additional information, etc. earlier, we could have saved ourselves some of the struggle we've had.

Our stepfather has gotten to the stage that he needs to go into a facility, where they have the staff and the training to know how best to deal with his outbursts of anger and frustration. My sister has done an amazing job of caring for him, but his needs are now beyond her ability. I came up here with the idea of getting him into a facility as soon as possible, but we've found out that is going to be extremely difficult without his co-operation.

If you, or anyone you know, is in a similar situation, or may be at some future time, please do yourself a great favor, and get all the information you can ahead of time. Try not to wait until it's a crisis situation!

Here are links to some of the websites that might be helpful: 1) There are elder care attorneys, who specialize in handling the legalities of dealing with dementia issues. 2) Alzheimer's Association is a wonderful resource for information and support groups for those with Alzheimer's or for their caregivers. 3) Department of Health and Human Services provides a website called Eldercare Locator, which connects you to services in your area. 4) Adult Protective Services may be able to help if there are issues of self-neglect. 5) If you live in California, there is a very helpful resource called California Caregiver Resource Center, located in many areas of the state.

This is not an all-inclusive list, but it will help you get started. Talk with the people you know about the reality of the situation that you're dealing with. It's surprising how many people have reached out to help us when they realized the difficulties we were having. People generally want to help when they can. Someone that you talk with might have some good information or be able to connect you with someone else who does.

Remember self-care! I can not emphasize this enough!! If you do not take care of yourself, and recognize your limits, you will physically and emotionally burn out. Then who will be there for your loved one?

There are excellent support groups around most areas. They can help you not feel so alone, and give you some tips on how to handle common areas of difficulty. If you can possibly afford to hire some additional help, even for a few hours a week, it can give you an opportunity to get away and relax for awhile -- and breathe easier. Let friends and other family members help when they offer. Give them concrete ideas for ways to help. If offers are not forthcoming, you may need to stretch your comfort zone and ask for help from those closest to you.

Please forward this post to anyone you know that might find it helpful. If we all reach out to each other with caring support, life will be much easier for all of us. If you have any additional suggestions for resources, or if you have struggled with a similar situation and have learned helpful suggestions, please let me know. You can leave a comment on this post, or you can email me at linda@counselinginsb.com. Thank you so much.

Until next time,

Linda

A Random Act of Kindness at Trader Joe's

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 21:22:00 +0000

For the last few days, I've been trying to decide what to write this post about, and suddenly -- thanks to my husband -- it became crystal clear! I was telling him about something that had really touched my heart earlier in the day. He made the comment that he was sure it would find its way into my blog at some point. He was so right! Here it is:

"There's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end." - Scott Adams

I saw this quote come alive for me today! After spending the morning at my office, I drove down to our local Trader Joe's to pick up some groceries. I parked my car, and walked across the parking lot to where the shopping carts were stored. There in front of me was a lady snuggling her small white dog against her body with her left arm, while holding onto a cane with her right hand. She had a smile on her face as she pulled out a cart. I was ready to say something to her about how cute her dog looked cuddled up to her, when something distracted me -- and the words were left unspoken.

She moved into the store ahead of me, with her dog now safely sitting inside the shopping cart. As I was looking at the beautiful orchids, I noticed a young woman, who worked for Trader Joe's, quickly come up to the older woman and begin talking with her. I couldn't hear clearly what was said, but it seemed to be something about a problem with having the dog inside, unless it was a service dog.

I heard the older woman talking about really needing to get her groceries right then, because she hadn't eaten yet. The next thing I knew, the younger woman smilingly handed the dog to its owner, and then took the cart into her own hands. Off they went together to get the shopping done!

These two women were unknown to each other just a few minutes earlier. They were different ages, races, and had different physical abilities, but they were now moving forward as a unit! As I shopped, I could hear them laughing and talking together. One read aloud from her grocery list, while carrying her beloved dog, and leaning on her cane. The other, right beside her, reaching up to take the appropriate items off the shelves and put them into the cart. They moved up and down one aisle after another. What had began as a problem to be solved, had turned into a shared task, which both seemed to be enjoying!

The kindness of this young store employee touched my heart. It would have been so easy for her to have just told the older woman that she would have to leave. She didn't have to get involved in helping her. Instead, she gently reached out to another human being in need. I don't know if others in the store were aware of what led to these two women joining together, but I'm so happy that I can share this story with you. I want the ripples of this unexpected kindness to have no logical end!

Will you help keep it going? Help me extend the ripples, by sharing this story if it touches your heart, by commenting here with your thoughts, and by paying the same kind of kindness forward to others as you go about your daily lives? Practice random acts of kindness, just because it feels good!

* Oh...and the next time those of you in Santa Barbara go into the Trader Joe's on Milpas Street, give an extra big smile to the young woman, with long, wavy hair, who works there. She is pretty special!

Until next time,

Linda

"Follow Me Through the Dark, and You Won't Get Lost." -- She's Wise Beyond Her Years!

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 06:03:00 +0000

"Follow Me Through the Dark, and You Won't Get Lost." Think about the wisdom of these words! Some people live their whole lives, and never have the depth of understanding of this soon to be 11 year old. Both the chalk drawing and the quote that goes with it were done by my granddaughter, Isabella Marie. It's an original thought that she came up with, and I'm very proud of her! She's always loved to draw, but I didn't know what a philosopher she's become.

So many people are struggling through sorrows, and have no idea where to turn. What a blessing it would be, if there was someone who gently said, "Follow Me Through the Dark, and You Won't Get Lost." Do you know anyone who needs to hear that -- someone who is wandering through the darkness? Could you reach out your hand and be the one to say, "Follow Me?" Just gently hold out your hand and let your voice be heard.

Do you need someone to whisper, "Follow Me" to you? Are you feeling alone and confused? Do you have the courage to let it be known that you're feeling lost and afraid? Wouldn't it be comforting to have another's guidance?

We need each other -- no matter what our age! In good times and bad, we need each other. There are so many ways to reach out and connect. Sometimes we need to lead, and other times, we need to follow. Share your strength, your wisdom, your caring with others! It isn't hard. It's a bit harder to share your needs, but it's possible. It just takes faith -- the faith of a wise and loving child to lead the way!

Until next time,

Linda

*Thank you, Isa, for giving me permission to share your wisdom and caring. I love you very much!*

** Photo credit goes to Isa's dad (and my son), John Menesez, who is also loved very much!**

Birthdays Are a Time for Refection and Dreams!

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 08:04:00 +0000

June 3rd is my birthday. I don't normally announce that, but this year I'm making an exception. I've worked with so many people who struggle when their birthdays come around, that I thought it might be a good idea to write about birthdays, and what they might mean.

Our thoughts about birthdays tend to change as we age. For very young children, it's about the party and the presents. For teens, it's about getting old enough to have more freedom and privileges. By the time we hit middle-age, though, it tends to become associated with the dawning realization that the years are going by rather quickly. The older we get the faster time seems to fly!

As times goes by, birthdays can bring about thoughts of what might have been. We form certain images in our minds of what we think our lives should be like by the time we get to be ____. Fill in the blank with whatever age comes to mind. When we get to be that age, and the reality is different than our imaginings, it can be difficult to accept. It doesn't have to be, though.

Birthdays can be a wonderful time of reflection! When our focus is on the blessings of life, whether large or small, we can look back over the year since our last birthday, and rejoice over the good times. We can learn from the times that weren't quite as good. The best life lessons come from the mistakes we've made, and the times when things didn't go quite the way we thought they would.
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As I'm writing this, it's late in the evening of June 2nd. The house is quiet, with the exception of some soft music playing in the background. I'm thinking about all the things that have happened this last year. Much of the year has been good. Unfortunately, some of the year has held great pain. Our family has had some serious sorrow that we've had to face, but we've also had blessings, as we've come together to give strength and comfort to each other.

For me personally, I've learned many truths along the way. My faith and my appreciation of life have deepened. I don't take anyone or anything for granted! I've learned how quickly life can change. I've learned to truly appreciate this moment, because it's the only one that any of us are guaranteed.

As I sit here thinking of my blessings, these top my list: Most of my family and I are basically healthy and physically safe. I have people (both young and old) that I love -- and that love me. I have a home and the necessities of life. I have work that I truly believe in. I have things that I feel passionate about. I have an active mind, and I enjoy learning and growing. I am blessed!

What about the year to come? I have my dreams, and my heartfelt wishes! Some center on my own personal journey through life, and some on the hopes and dreams I have for my family! Others center on the world and all the people in it! I dream, and I pray, for a safer, healthier, more peaceful, and gentler world -- a world where each person, no matter where, is able to have the same wonderful blessings that I've been given.

Until next time,

Linda

Back Home to the Peacefulness of Santa Barbara!

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Sun, 22 May 2011 21:15:00 +0000

I am so happy to be back home in Santa Barbara! The sunshine, the flowers, the ocean, the peacefulness of my home -- they all settle in and wrap around me like a warm and cozy shawl!

On May 7th, I left for what I thought was a 3-day trip to visit my mom for Mother's Day. After a grueling 11 days there, I finally was able to come back home. Many things had to be set aside during that time away from home. This blog is one of the things that got set aside. For those of you who are used to hearing from me more frequently than you have recently, I apologize.

When I arrived at my mom's, the day before Mother's Day, she wasn't feeling well. On Mother's Day, she felt worse, and by the next day, she was even worse. It was clear that there was a problem that needed medical attention. She's almost 85, and has a lot of serious health issues, but this was something new, and in addition to her other problems.

I've written before about my stepfather and my mom, and their various health challenges, and how those challenges effect them, and all who love them. Normal aging can bring about health issues, but sometimes it's the choices that we've made throughout our lives that create serious obstacles as we age. In my mother's case, she has made many choices through the years that have not worked at all well for her.

On Monday, May 9th, she was diagnosed with pneumonia and admitted to the hospital after several long hours in the ER. Finally, that Sunday, she had recovered enough to leave the hospital, but was much too weak to return home. Instead, she is spending a period of time at a convalescent hospital, trying to regain some strength.

The hardest part of my mother's illness, for her -- and for her family -- is her overriding negativity, fear and anxiety. Her focus is always on how awful and how frightening everything is in her life! It's very difficult to be healthy, emotionally and/or physically, and make healthy choices throughout life if this is your worldview. As far back as I can remember, this is how my mother has seen life. She always sees the rain, but never the rainbow! It's very sad!

I have had to accept that for whatever reason, this is who she is, and this is how she will always be. I still hope and pray for change to happen, but rationally I know it won't. She has a good heart, and I love her, but I know I can't change her. This truth has taken me a very long time to accept at a deep level, but it's necessary for my health and well-being to accept it.

I'm sharing this personal story, in the hope that it might help some of you who struggle with fear and negativity. Changing your worldview might not be easy, but it is do-able. There are lots of self-help books, and professionals that can help you make the changes that will enrich your lives. I'm also sharing this story to reach those of you who struggle year after year trying to find a way to help those who aren't willing, or able, to help themselves. I want you to recognize the limits of your capabilities. Each of us only has power over the choices that we, and we alone, make. We can not make others choose any differently than they want to choose.

I hope that this post finds each of you with a peaceful heart, no matter where you live. If you don't feel a warm peacefulness around you, take a good look at the changes you need to make. I promise you that it's worth it, for you and for all who love you.

Until next time,

Linda

In Times of Fear and Sorrow

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Sun, 01 May 2011 22:44:00 +0000

We all have those times when the heavy clouds of fear and sorrow begin to drift in and settle down around us. No one goes through life without them! If it isn't your own fear and sorrow, it may be that someone close to your heart is suffering. How do you handle those times? The answers are as unique as each and every person.

I wish I could give you a simple plan for moving through those times, but I can't. There are a few things that will help though. If you have your own personal faith, lean into it. Talk to God as you see Him. Ask Him to give you strength and guidance. Sometimes the only thing left to ask for is acceptance. Be willing to turn whatever is troubling you over to a Higher Power. Don't try carrying your burden alone.

Turn to friends and family members. Choose wisely who you turn to. Be sure that you, and what you are struggling with, will be received with warmth and caring. Be sure that they are sturdy enough for you to draw comfort from them. If there are specific, concrete things that you could use help with, let them know.

So many people find it very difficult to ask for help. I understand that. It isn't easy for me either, but I know that there are times when I really need help. I, also, know that when I am able to help someone, it makes me feel better about myself. I'm no different than anyone else. We all feel good when we are able to be there for others.

Allow nature to soothe and calm you. Wherever you are, I'm sure there's somewhere that you can be around beautiful, living, growing things. Some people love to literally get their hands in the soil and plant flowers or pull weeds. Others like to stroll through a park, be in the mountains, or hike through the woods.

As I've mentioned before, in other posts, the ocean is my calming place. I love to sit near it, or walk along the beach, when I'm troubled. Feeling the fresh breeze, hearing the rhythm of the waves, feeling the warm sand, assures me that life goes on -- that I will go on. It helps me to really be in that moment, to draw strength from my surroundings. It helps me to remember that just as I can only see a small part of the ocean, I can only see a small part of my life. I can't see tomorrow, and all the tomorrows to come.

Sometimes we encounter something that is just so heavy that it exceeds our ability to cope. For those times, please turn to a professional for help, guidance, and support. Too many times people rely instead on drugs and alcohol, thinking that they will get them through. It doesn't help -- ever! They still have the original problem, plus now, they also have to deal with complications resulting from their unhealthy choices. There are better ways to cope!

If you are struggling with fear and sorrow, look for your own path through the dark and heavy sadness. Try some of the things I've mentioned, but fine-tune them to fit you. Remember that people care about you, so reach out. Find faith in your tomorrows. Tomorrow will come. Thomas Fuller said, "The darkest hour is just before the dawn." Dawn will come, and the clouds will lift. It just takes time, patience, and faith.

Until next time,

Linda

The Importance of Families Coming Together to Deal with Hard Times

noreply@blogger.com (Linda M.) — Fri, 15 Apr 2011 01:03:00 +0000

This is a photo of my stepfather. It was taken several years ago, when he was still physically and mentally able to take care of his house and yard. Unfortunately, time has taken away a lot of his abilities. At 89, he is now needing a lot of help to do the simplest of tasks. His mind has become confused and his body frail. My mother, also, needs almost constant care and assistance.

There's nothing unusual about their situation. There are elderly people all over our country who find themselves unable to provide for their most basic needs.

If they are lucky, they have friends, family, and professional caregivers around to help them. Some, however, are not so fortunate, and they quite often suffer tremendous hardships and probably shortened lives.

Even for the lucky ones, life can be very difficult as their minds and bodies begin to wear out. Think about what it would be like if you were unable to get out of a chair and walk across the room, without being in danger of falling and seriously injuring yourself. What if your mind had grown unable to focus and form new memories -- memories that would enable you to make sense of the world around you? There are so many daily struggles for the fragile elderly!

Families are often the ones who wind up trying to hold all the pieces together for "Mom and Dad". In this day and age, when people are scattered all over the country -- or even all over the world -- it gets even more complicated.

My mom and stepfather have been able to stay in their home so far, thanks to my sister. She has been providing the round-the-clock care that is necessary. My brother and his wife, and my husband and I, provide as much ongoing visits, support and assistance as we can, without living in the same city.

Recently my stepfather had a health crisis, and our family came together. It made such a difference! We live four hours away, so we just packed our bags and went up there for six days. My brother and his wife live closer, so they were able to come over several days during that time period. Together, we got many necessary things accomplished.

It was so much easier when we were all there to support each other and show our love and caring in person. I know that isn't always possible, but when it is, it can make a profoundly positive impact on everyone. Our stepfather is doing better now. My sister had a chance to catch her breath and have lots of hands-on help. I think she felt supported, validated, and supremely appreciated! She, also, learned some new ways of doing things that are working better for her. All in all, it was an important time to come together!

If your family is dealing with a difficult situation, remember the value of pulling together. My grandmother always quoted the same saying to me -- from the time I was a very little girl helping her with some chore, up until I was an adult, and she would come over to help me with a project around my house. I'm sure you've all heard the saying, and maybe even said it yourself. I've certainly said it to my kids! It's: "Many hands make light work!" It's a good saying to remember! You never know when you, or a loved one, will need it.

Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts.

Until next time,

Linda