Beauty For Ashes

'Wild Geese'

2012-01-12T10:02:00.001-06:00

I saw this poem on another blog and had to share it...

WILD GEESE

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

Mary Oliver

Goodbye '11, Hello '12

2011-12-31T22:44:00.000-06:00

So much happened this year...so many changes and adjustments, joy and sorrow mixed together. I won't go over all of it again, but I thought I'd share some of my favorite Miles quotes from 2011, plus share a few pictures we took today. It was a gorgeous, sunny day, and the three of us spent it together: taking the van through the car wash (Miles' first time, he loved it), going to the park, eating out, then Wii bowling and end-of-the-year photos. That's become a sort of tradition, I think it started when Miles was two.

Miles going through his first car wash

Last family photo of 2011

MY FAVORITE MILES QUOTES OF 2011

Me: "Do you know why I love you so much?" Miles (rubbing my back): "Because you're graceful."

Casey: "Miles, are you going to change the world?" Miles (pausing and thinking): "I am going to change the world, yes!"

Miles, getting his nightly 'kiss attack' from Mama and Daddy: "Man, these kids really like me."

Miles, yesterday to me on the phone: "I love you with a heart."

Me: "Stop moving your legs, it's driving me crazy." Miles: "But they want to talk!"

Miles, after being reprimanded by his mama: "You know you still love me."

Me: "Miles, what to you want to be when you get older?" Miles: "Five." Me: "But what do you want to do?" Miles: "Help Daddy; work with him."

Miles, talking to his Mama (who feels very blessed): "You are so nice. And you are love."

Miles decided to bring his Winnie the Pooh bear in the van when I went for a latte, because 'Pooh-Bear likes to go on adventures.'

Miles wasn't happy with me this morning and told me, "You aren't being very 'buddy' nice."

Miles, after falling down and showing Casey the bump he got: "That very hurts."

I was holding Miles high up in the air and he said, "Don't drop me on the face!"

Me: "Miles, you didn't get a haircut?" Miles: "No, but it's okay. It's very perfect."

Miles saying goodnight to Oz the cat: "Happy daydreams!"

Miles sneezed on the iPod and said, "I just 'blessed you' all over it!"

Miles, standing by the bathroom scale: "Mama, let me see how weigh you are!"

Miles: "Mama, look what I lost for hundred of years...this flashlight!"

Miles to Casey: "You talked right into my eye!" I hate it when that happens.

Miles: "You are the champion girl star." Me: "Really? That's awesome!" Miles: "I don't know how I figured that out!"

Case and Miles were outside and passed by one of our yellow roses. Miles told Casey, "In my heart, I want to give that to Mama." And he did.

HAVE A HAPPY AND BLESSED NEW YEAR!

Squishy

2011-12-14T11:30:00.000-06:00

Last night as Miles and I were hugging goodnight -- he's in a sort of bunk bed so he was up higher than me -- he was mostly hugging around my head. He squeezed and said, "That's my squishy head!"

"Who, me?" I asked.

"Yes!" he answered. Then he gave me a big smile and said sweetly, "You are my squishy love."

A New Name

2011-12-08T09:55:00.001-06:00

Last week I downloaded a free app called 'Child's Prayer' in order to make bedtime traditions with Miles more special. What I like about this app is that it not only gives a Bible verse for that day, but you flip the card over and there is a question so that you and your child can engage in simple discussion as well.

Tuesday night's verse was Isaiah 9:6..."He will be called, 'Wonderful Counselor,' 'Mighty God,' 'Eternal Father,' 'Prince of Peace.'" Miles touched the screen to flip over the card and the question was, 'Which names would you call Jesus by?' My thinking was that Miles would choose one of the names he had just heard. But oh...that little boy surprises me so many times.

"King of the Life!" was his confident answer, and it almost took my breath away. I mean, how many names are there written for Jesus in the Bible? And yet this was one I had not heard. He wanted to know our answers too, and we gave them, although I personally could have been happy closing the evening with the answer Miles had given.

Thank you, King of the Life, for the unblemished heart of my sweet little boy.

Playing Catch-Up

2011-12-03T15:35:00.001-06:00

Click here to vote for my photo of Miles for Shutterfly's Family Photo Days Holiday Photo Contest! If you don't want to vote, it's cool...just go look at the photo, it's still fun to see!

Side note: Sorry I have not been blogging lately. Catching up with life, tapering off anti-depressants, and there are more holiday things to be working on than I can think of at the moment. Tonight, the three of us will be trimming the tree while eating cookies and M&M's, listening to holiday music and wrapping presents. I'm sure a game of Chutes and Ladders or Wii something-or-other will make its way into the mix.

Oh, there goes the dryer! Back to domesticity. I did manage a workout, something I've been really getting into these days. My body is not happy with me, but too bad. The feeling has been mutual. Hope you're all having a blessed Saturday!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-11-02T10:45:00.002-05:00

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T07:52:00.004-05:00

The question is, will Sting notice I'm not there?

2011-09-26T15:28:00.000-05:00

It's no secret: I'm a Sting fan and always will be. I've seen him in concert eight times (two of those times were The Police reunion tour). So of course I was thrilled to find out he'd be going back on tour this fall to celebrate his 25-year solo career. The closest venues I could find are 8-10 hours away, but was that going to stop me? Please.

Tickets went on sale today. Unfortunately, after talking with Casey the other day, I knew it wasn't going to work out. The concert I'd most likely go to is on a Wednesday night -- the one before Thanksgiving break -- and for my campus minister husband, Wednesday night is pretty much his most important night of the week. If it was on a weekend, if Miles was not in school...it could probably work. I would have already printed out my tickets by now, would have found a special place to keep them safe.

A little while ago I checked the availability of the tickets, I suppose just to torture myself. It's a thing I do. Anyway, what I'm hoping might happen is that other venues will be announced next year. After all, The Police did the same thing...went on tour in the fall in North America, then came back the next summer with different venues. That's all I can hope for at this point. If I don't get to go, it will be the first tour I miss since 1996.

I can also hope Casey will decide that missing just one Wednesday won't hurt.

Spider and Spider Lightning

2011-09-25T21:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was another tailgating day in The Grove, and our friend Meagan (who also happens to be the assistant in Miles' kindergarten class!) took him along with her two girls to listen to the band and then get their faces painted. Miles has never had his face painted, and until recently he really wasn't interested, but when he realized he could get a spider on there...well, that changed everything. He chose a spiderweb and spider, had that painted on in the morning, and didn't want it taken off until bath time. Actually, he would have left it on overnight, but that wasn't happening. So I made sure to take a photo as soon as we were home to keep it for always.

Speaking of spiders, did anyone here in Oxford see the awesome spider lightning tonight? I was driving Miles home, he playing a game on the iPod and missing it all, so when we got home I grabbed my camera and we stood out in the driveway watching the sky. Miles would tell me he was scared, but liked seeing the sky light up with different colors. I got a few decent shots, not what I really wanted, but still some cool stuff. I don't think watching a lightning storm will ever get old to me.

Sting First, Then Knitting

2011-09-13T17:34:00.000-05:00

Last week I mentioned my nephew's 15th birthday. But just two days after that was another important anniversary -- 15 years since my first Sting concert. I joke that this date is how I remember Kaleb's birthday, and sometimes it is depending on how my memory is working at the time!

I still remember that concert well. It was a little more than two years into my Sting obsession, and I'd come to believe there was no way I'd ever see him in concert. Remember, this was before you could just grab your laptop/smartphone and Google ticket info. If you wanted a concert ticket, you had to either physically wait in line or call a box office phone number. So how did I find out about the concert? I saw a commercial on TV, and my eyes nearly popped out of their sockets!

So anyway...there's more to that story, but I won't go into it this time. The point is, Sting isn't touring constantly. It's about every four years or so, but it can vary. Last year Casey and I saw him in Houston with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra for his 'Symphonicity' tour. Probably our favorite yet, and I remember wondering how long it would be before I'd see him live again. Fortunately for me Sting will be celebrating his 60th birthday and his 25-year solo career in less than a month. So, why not go on tour again? All I have to say about this is, yay for me!

Okay, now a totally unrelated note. I'm considering trying out a new knitting pattern, but I want to know if anyone else likes this as much as I do. Have you heard of arm warmers? I think I had before I saw this pattern, but forgot about them. But when I saw the photo I thought they were adorable. Would you wear them? I'm actually thinking about school color arm warmers, but also just fun color arm warmers. Let me know what you think, and please be honest! Click here for the link.

Good. Grief.

2011-09-10T20:40:00.000-05:00

When I used to hear the word 'grief,' my immediate thoughts were of someone having lost a person close to them. It meant someone had died, and it was not a word I wanted to know personally. There was also the 'Oh, good grief, Charlie Brown!' thing...but never before would I put 'good' and 'grief' together in a serious way. And I always assumed that grieving was something that happened to someone after something very bad had happened. I didn't see it as a process that one partakes in, that one must partake in at times in their life in order to move forward. I also used to assume that grief was linear, but no longer.

I was ignorant about grief years ago. My life wasn't easy, but it wasn't hard. And then in February 2001 I started going to the doctor for unexplained symptoms, and this went on until he diagnosed me with an auto-immune disorder more than a year later. Four days before my wedding. Casey and I thought, 'Well, if we can get through all of that hospital craziness (one week) and this diagnosis...we can get through anything!' I thought this was my grief. My valley.

Miles was born in April 2006. I was finally rid of the hospital on July 19. Celebration. Recovery. I thought I was moving on. It wasn't until September, when Miles was five months old, that I began to realize all that I had missed in his life. I remember breaking down in the shower one evening, sobbing uncontrollably because I hadn't been able to celebrate my first Mother's Day, hadn't carried him home for the first time, hadn't been able to breastfeed like I'd wanted, hadn't even taken one picture of him until he was four months old. I had dreamed of taking photos of him as a tiny, newborn baby. I had missed that.

Still ignorant about how my grief was working and how I had to be a part of it instead of just waiting for it to 'happen,' I thought that with full physical recovery would come full emotional healing. But the joy I felt after my final surgery in July 2007 was short-lived. Grief was upon me again, and I was just starting to get it. No one had warned me that the emotional pain can long outlive the physical pain. I thought that kind of pain only came with 'real' loss. I was still just beginning to grasp how much I'd lost, and I didn't even know the half of it until we started trying to have another baby in March 2008.

Fast forward to the present day. Grief is not linear. There can be ten steps forward and one hundred steps back. There can be two steps up and four steps down. There can be a valley after a valley -- it's not always valley-mountain-valley-mountain. Your pain is your pain, and it can be a lonely place if you let it -- sometimes even if you don't.

I have handled my grief in both good and bad ways. I don't know that anyone handles it perfectly. It frustrates me greatly sometimes that I can't press a pause button on life so I can have time to grieve and then be caught up with everyone else. I am almost always 'stuck' behind and I don't know that I will ever be able to catch up, but I am learning to accept that.

One thing I've learned, sometimes grudgingly, is that I will never be the exact same person I used to be. Life looks different to me now, but I believe that there are better parts of me that might not have been if I hadn't gone through what I did. And my joys...they are sweeter and dearer because of my sorrows. My pain is deep, but I hold the tiniest moments close to my heart. I don't think I would have done that had things been easier.

I write about all of this because of something that sounds extremely simple, but for me has been a thing of dread. And instead of continuing to avoid it, I decided to walk through my pain because I knew that there would be a bit of healing on the other side. Grief is not a friend of mine, but lately I'm seeing that I have to sit with it in order to heal. There is no other way. I could try to avoid it my entire life, but what kind of life would that be? I am tired of pain, and I know I will grieve certain things until I die, but the deep sadness is something I must be with so that I can move on.

Now, the simple thing I mentioned? I have recently decided to go through every bit of Miles' clothing since he was born in order to sell what I can at consignment next month. That's five years of my little boy's clothes. There were many pieces I set aside, unable to part with them either right now or ever. Ask me about that again next year. But that still left a lot of clothes that have to be washed, sorted, priced and tagged. Today I began washing the clothes and hanging them up until I can price them. But before washing them, I would inspect each piece of clothing to see if they had any kind of stain that needed treating.

I knew it would be tough. It had been emotional just going through them the first time. But today, holding up each onesie or tiny shirt or pair of pants, I felt my anxiety building. And building. And by the time I had started the first load of laundry, my heart was racing and I was finding it hard to breathe. There I stood in the laundry room, crying and asking God to be with me. When I recounted all of this to Casey later on, I cried even more, and as I sit here typing I am still not finished with washing those many tiny clothes.

But guess what? As painful as it has been, and as many memories as it has brought up (both good and bad), I have decided to let grief in my door today...and though I am not at the end of it, I have at least moved in a positive direction. Let's face it: when we're in the middle of it, grief is not where we want to be, right? But if we figure out that there is something good on the other side and we can walk through it, life doesn't seem as scary anymore. At least not to me.

That is good grief.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-09-07T11:27:00.001-05:00

For a Most Awesome Nephew

2011-09-05T18:08:00.000-05:00

Fifteen years ago today, my nephew Kaleb was born. I had the privilege of holding him when he was just one hour old. He was one of the sweetest and cutest babies I had ever seen, and being an aunt for the first time was so special to me. When he started talking, I was 'Shay-Shee,' and I loved to make him laugh. Now he is in high school and almost taller than me! I'm so proud of him in all that he does. Happy 15th Birthday, Kaleb!

Love,

Aunt Tracey

What do you expect? He was only born in 2006!

2011-08-27T22:31:00.000-05:00

Less than two days after I'd posted this YouTube video featuring comedian Louis CK on Conan, Miles gave a perfect example of how far we've come technologically in such a short time -- and how kids today are completely unaware of it. Thankfully my example is not one of him complaining, but rather...well, just keep reading.

Tonight we were doing a 'family game night' of sorts, something we need to do more often but haven't lately. After dinner Casey suggested we play 'Go Fish' and Miles was beyond excited when I agreed to play with them. Our family game night usually tends to be spent playing a Wii game, like super-strike bowling. But Miles enjoys the card games just as much -- I think for him it's about all of us doing something together.

I think we were just into our second game and it was Miles' turn. Suddenly he stood up and began running toward the bathroom, but stopped to yell back at us, "Pause the game!" and kept going. As Casey mimicked pointing a remote at our pile of cards, I threw my head back and laughed. Miles soon made his way back to the living room, laughing along with me as he had realized what he'd said.

Without getting too deep here, that was one of those moments where I wanted to ask if I could press the pause button and make it last a little longer.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-08-24T15:44:00.001-05:00

Best Homework Ever

2011-08-23T10:23:00.003-05:00

Last night Miles had his first homework assignment, which involved working on the letter E, matching rhyming words, writing his name and the number 3. Casey and I sat and watched as he held his pencil and that little face showed such concentration. It was all too adorable for me, and I couldn't help but kiss his cheek as he worked. Each time he'd finish one task on the paper, he would turn my way and look for the praise and encouragement he needs when learning something new. At one point though, Miles stopped his work to smile at me. He tapped his chin in thought and said, "Mom, I think you're going to be so proud." At this I burst out laughing, then hugged and kissed him and told him he was right -- I would be so proud of him forever and ever.

Heart Stickers

2011-08-18T21:23:00.001-05:00

Nearly one week ago, my blog turned seven years old. Seven! Back then, I think it was sometimes called a 'weblog.' Yikes. Sounds like the dark ages, huh?

While I'm thankful for this outlet for my creative writing and a way to connect to a lot of fascinating people (and lifelong blog friends!), I am thankful for much, more more. Of course I am talking about Casey and Miles. Being the only girl in the house -- unless you count Junebug the cat -- I get to feel pretty special most of the time. But my two boys are so much sweeter than anything I could deserve. I'll give you an example.

For the past several days I've been struggling with a slight cold, but worse than that is the ear infection along with it. My ear aches most in the mornings and evenings, and it's become frustrating (especially with the difficulty of hearing). So I'm sniffling, coughing, aching...all the usual that comes along with a cold. Not feeling great, obviously, so I was resting my head for just a bit before fixing dinner this evening.

I walked into the kitchen, and the first thing Miles said was, "Mama...we have something for you!" and I could see a white folded 'thank you' card in his hand. I'm not sure whose idea it was to give me a card -- it could have been either one of them -- but it didn't matter. I opened it up to find the inside covered with little heart stickers and Casey's handwriting. Miles had asked him to write these words:

Dear Mama,

We'll give you two hearts. Love you Mama. We kiss and hug you forever and ever.

I don't know about you...but my heart was pretty much filled from the beginning of that note. In that moment there were no colds, no earaches, no sniffles that could contend with such love. I went on to cook a meal for my family without complaint after that.

Does my ear still hurt? Yes. Do I still feel achy? Sure. When I glance over and look at that heart-filled card, does it really matter? No way.

Thank you, God. Thank you for two of the best blessings you have ever given me, and ones that I deserved the least. Thank you for Casey and Miles.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-07-13T16:45:00.002-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-22T09:23:00.000-05:00

Dibs on Being Me

2011-05-18T00:05:00.001-05:00

For the third night in a row, I'm having trouble going to sleep. I think it has something to do with a certain campus minister husband leaving the country with a team of students to visit and help orphans in Haiti. But I could be wrong.

I had originally pulled up my blog tonight after seeing a commercial about women who have just had a baby 'suffering from unsightly stretch marks' and was going to comment on it in a snarky way...something along the lines of, "Suffering? Really? Because I -- and I'm sure thousands of women living with infertility -- would take that kind of suffering in a heartbeat."

See? Snarky. I apologize...sort of. Just hard to hear things like that and not have a reaction.

Anyway, I got on the blog and became engrossed in many of my old posts. Some about my former wound, some about wanting another baby, and many about how much I adore my husband and son. And in some of those posts, I sound so strong and sure of myself. I sound happy. I want to go back and ask that woman to hold on to what she has, because there are days when it seems I've lost that forever.

No, I know I haven't. It's just that I'm...different than I was back then. I didn't know I was headed into this world of longing for another child and not seeing that dream realized. The experience has placed a shadow over my heart, and I fight for the sunlight but it's a battle I lose on many occasions. I know I need to work on my relationship with God. I love him, I trust him, I won't leave him...but are we super-close all the time? I have to say no. And part of me hates admitting that, but I've come to learn that I am human and I am weak, and God knows all of this. He knows me better than I know myself. Scary but true.

This is one post that I have to leave unresolved. I'm not living in a sitcom world (but oh, how I wish I could for just a day!) where, after about 20 minutes of silliness and conflicts, the music swells and all the pieces come together. There are things I wish were different, but I would never trade my life for another. This one, with all of its love and yes, broken pieces, is mine...dibs.

Oz, Censored

2011-05-10T11:26:00.001-05:00

I apologize for the uncouthness of this photo. But just to let you know, I did alter it a bit. That's really a no-no for the photo purists, but I was afraid I might alienate some of you. Not really...but the un-altered version did take away some of the cute factor of Oz (or 'Ozzy-Bear' as he is known in our house).

When I look at this photo, it just makes me smile. This little guy, who we adopted back in October, is nearly one year old and is one of the funniest cats I've known. It's no joke that animals have different personalities. Junebug, our nearly-eight-year-old cat, is grumpy and likely to snap if she is in one of her moods. Oz, on the other hand (or paw?), needs love and attention almost constantly. He is playful and cracks me up in the way he pounces on simple things like door shadows. Oz has been a fun little addition to our family.

Haiti Bound

2011-05-09T11:56:00.002-05:00

Casey and a group of our students will be traveling to Haiti in less than a week. Great things have happened within this campus ministry since last fall. Milton Jones, president of Christian Relief Fund, came to give a talk to the students in October. That same evening, church members and Rebels for Christ raised enough money to sponsor three children for a year! Their pictures hang framed in our student center. Two of them live in Haiti, one in Africa.

But Casey and the RFCs went one step further by deciding to take a trip to Haiti and help install water filtration systems. Money has been raised for two of those systems -- praise God! -- and also to send this group over for about ten days. Along with installing the systems, they will get to meet two of the three children that we are sponsoring. How awesome is that?

There was a time a few months ago when I considered joining the group and traveling to Haiti as well. Being a mom to a young child, however, caused me to hesitate. For one, it would be both of his parents flying out of the country...and I can't guarantee that something won't happen. Besides that, they will be gone for about ten days. I could not see myself leaving Miles for that long. We've left him for a week at a time, going on anniversary trips. This is so different, though.

I have told Casey how much I want to be taking photos in Haiti, documenting the whole experience. But I would choose being with Miles over that any day, and there will hopefully be more trips to Haiti in the future, ones that might involve Miles accompanying us when he's old enough. I have struggled with the thought of Casey going on this trip, and I think most of it is due to the depression and anxiety. But I've gotten better each week, and the meds are helping greatly with that. I will also spend a few days with my in-laws, giving me some help and Miles a fun time with his grandparents.

But it would be great to know that Casey and this group of students have some prayer warriors in their corner for the next few weeks. I'll have my concerns about the trip, naturally, but I am so very proud of them for the work they'll be doing to God's glory.

Solitude and Survivor

2011-05-03T17:47:00.001-05:00

I'm sorry. For those friends or family to whom I have not given much of myself lately, those are the best words I can think to say at the moment. I am here, and yet I'm not. My brain, my heart...they are filled with noise and pain that I yearn to quiet and ease.

Back in March I posted this link after our fourth in vitro attempt failed. We got the negative test results on the 16th of that month, and at the moment of 'the phone call' with the IVF coordinator (whose job I do not envy) I remember my body going numb and cold. One week later I was having trouble remembering big and small details of the previous days. I knew I had bought some shirts, but had to ask Casey where we'd gone to get them. I knew we'd visited his parents for a weekend night, but didn't remember the drive there or much of the visit itself. I was actually shocked at how big the gaps were in my memory.

Turns out I was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. PTSD was no stranger to me, because the events of 2006 following Miles' birth had greatly affected me. But this time the symptoms were much more acute, and because I was in better health I noticed them more quickly. In my mind, there are so many worse things that can happen in life which might cause post-traumatic stress. I almost felt silly thinking that this was what had taken place for me. Yes, the news for us was bad and came after three years of our struggles. Still...it seemed like a big reaction for me to experience.

I have thankfully had the opportunity to see a counselor who Casey and I trust greatly -- had sessions with him last year, and Casey has joined me for sessions this year. In counseling we are looking for tools in coping with my emotional 'stuck-ness' (for lack of a much better word), and tools that will help us listen to one another in the midst of grief. Our marriage is a strong one and we don't intend letting it go by the wayside. Casey and I have always agreed on being proactive in this.

And as much as I don't want to be tied to daily meds, I began taking anti-depressants almost immediately. I know that for me it is a tremendous help. Side effects? Yes...and I don't like them. But while I struggle to function in daily life, they are something I must endure for a while. I feel as though I must take them, not just for myself, but for my husband and my son. As much as my heart wants to skip those large looming clouds on the road of grieving, I would never choose to miss out on those small sparks of joy I still experience from day to day. Yes, sparks of joy, because with Casey to hold me and Miles to fill my heart with his laughter, there is no denying that joy is going to get through the cracks in my sadness.

I don't know how many of you watch the show Survivor, but this latest season included a twist where the person voted off doesn't immediately go home but instead goes to 'Redemption Island.' They stay there and wait (three days?) for the next eliminated player, and the two duel it out to see who stays on the island for a chance to get back in the game at some point, while the loser goes home for good. As of now, Matt -- self-proclaimed Christian -- has spent about three weeks on Redemption Island. Three weeks. That's more than half the game, and nearly all of that time alone.

I always find it interesting when a Christian is on these reality shows. Well, not so much that they're on the show, more when they start talking about it in terms of what God's will is for them on that show. Can they hear themselves talking? Recently I found myself so irritated with a statement like that I said to the TV, "He doesn't care that you're on the show!" I mean, of course God cares about the person and loves them. But is God really putting effort into the outcome of a reality show? Really? My guess is that he has more important issues on his mind.

But I digress. The aforementioned Matt now has my attention. Here he is, this nice, young Christian guy...I never found him disagreeable, just a bit unfocused on what he was saying. The intentions to 'honor his God' as he put it were definitely there, I only had trouble with believing that the best way for him to do so was in the run for one million dollars. On an island. Alone. I'm by no means this great Christian example, but even I know that there are better ways to honor God than trying to win a bunch of money in a game where most people excel by lying and backstabbing.

What the producers unwittingly did in creating this 'Redemption Island' twist, however, was to force a sincere Christian kid into more solitude than he ever wanted, and in last week's episode the effects of it were clearly showing. Up until then, Matt seemed strong and confident and was winning every single duel that came his way. He gave the glory to God, and I would scoff in my usual way that God didn't really care. Yeah, I liked the kid and was cheering him on...but I wanted there to be more. And now the solitude had all but broken Matt. He was crying on camera, saying that God had been carrying him for the past few days. But the best part? Now he said he was done with the game. That was it! That was what I'd been waiting for! Matt had used his time of forced solitude to be with his God, and he had had a breakthrough: the game didn't matter. At the next duel he faced, Matt looked broken and maybe a bit wiser. He somehow pulled out yet another win and said something like, "I guess God still wants me here." Well of course that bugged me, but not as much this time. And the woman who he beat in the duel mentioned before she left that because of Matt's example she was going home and getting involved in a church. That, in my mind, is the closest reason to God wanting Matt on that show.

I digress once again. Why, you might be asking, would I interrupt my talk of PTSD and depression to discuss an episode of Survivor? I promise it fits. When we were watching Matt breaking down and breaking through because of his solitude, all I could think was, "I wish I could do that!" And maybe that sounds like an unusual thing to wish, but I am in an unusual place in my life. Counseling and meds can help, no doubt -- but at this point I still need something more. And so Casey and I have decided that I will take a weekend in the next couple of months and spend it in solitude with God. There are ways I could find some moments of solitude where I am right now, but I believe what will truly help me grow is being in another place all alone for a good stretch of time. I've found one place online that is very appealing: it has little cabins specifically for spiritual meditation and solitude. And I know this is what my heart needs because I normally wouldn't want to do this, and yet I can't stop thinking about it.

Eleven years ago I was in search of solitude. I found a horse ranch two hours from my home and spent a night there in the bunkhouse. Sitting under the stars on the tiny balcony, reading my Bible and journaling about the experience, I could feel my soul being renewed. I remember how it felt and I long for that again. Just me and God, tending to the wounds in my heart.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-04-20T20:30:00.002-05:00

Five is Here. Heart, Don't Break.

2011-04-16T18:59:00.000-05:00

Dear Miles,

Three days ago you turned five years old, something I have been slightly dreading for a while. Each birthday has gotten just a little more difficult for me, but five means more change than your mama is ready to embrace.

I ~~begged you~~ joked with you several times before the big day about remaining a four-year-old. Finally you got quite serious with me and said in a firm but kind voice, "I have to get bigger, you know that." You are so very ready to be taller and older, and yet you are still somehow sensitive to how I am dealing with it.

One of those changes I mentioned at the beginning is the fact that you will start attending school in the fall...no, not even the fall, because it begins on the fourth day of August! Can't I just have one more month with you? But no. And when we registered you for school recently I made myself swallow those feelings down, because this is a big deal for you and you need to know that I am going to be okay. Of course I'll have my little crying moments away from you, but I'm also going to be so proud to see my Miles head off on a new adventure.

Learning to write letters and to count

There have been so many more 'firsts' this past year. You played your first (and second) season of soccer and went from crying on the field to scoring your first goal! You really got into dressing up for Halloween, and sometimes when it wasn't Halloween you still wanted to be Batman. For Christmas you received your first 'big' bike...good thing too, that tricycle was getting a bit small for you. And even though we have had our cat Junebug since before you were born, the arrival of new kitty Oz has been a big first in your life. He just has no idea how much you adore him, and I think he's very lucky to have you for a friend.

Showing his soccer form

Enjoying Halloween treats at the library

Bike ride in the park

Miles and Oz: best buddies

This past winter, you made very clear something that has seemed clear for a good while now: you love the cold. In fact, you made that statement to me so much that I almost knew when you would say it. But even in that spirit you cannot ignore how much more you love each different season. It's as if it's in your blood, and must be, because your daddy is the same: loves the cold, but can't get enough of those changing seasons.

Looking cool while washing the car on a summer day

The perfect pumpkin

Snowball fight with Daddy in the nine-inch snowfall

Spring snails found on the porch

Miles and Daddy...what can I say? The blessings I receive from you both on a given day could keep my heart afloat for years to come. You are both more sweet to me than I deserve, and nothing makes me smile more than seeing you interact and share that daddy-son affection I know is so important. Miles, when you get older I hope to see you appreciate what an incredible man your daddy is. I know that right now he is your hero in that 'my daddy is the strongest man in the world' type of way...someday you'll learn that he is very strong, and giving his life in service to God shows that strength every day.

Daddy, Miles and Uncle Corey on the U of A campus

How tall are we, Mama?

Falling asleep while waiting for Daddy to play

We've seen your sense of humor emerging more this past year. It's so much fun seeing you understand more subtle humor, but you're still mostly about the physical comedy. Nothing wrong with that! Some of the greats have been revered for their slapstick. I'm just glad you still think I'm funny, and hopefully our dinnertime giggles will last a long time.

I learn so much from you, Miles. You already see beauty in the small things, you take joy from the simple things, and you charge ahead with the tough things. Life is still so new and amazing for you, but you are teaching me. I have a feeling it will always be that way.

That purity, that innocence about you, I am holding on to that for as long as I can. When I write your next birthday letter, you will almost be through with your first year of school. How much will you have grown? How much will you have changed? I want you to grow in love and goodness always, and keep that joy in your heart as you go on your way. But I am here whenever you need me to lean on.

Love,

Mama