I FEEL FREE

Dream a lill dream of me

2013-10-06T20:16:00.001-07:00

"Look at the stars" she said. "dont they look beautiful?"

I looked at her. she was looking gorgeous. oh who cares about the stars?! I smiled. She pulled her knotted hair behind her ear and felt a little shy. Perhaps she noticed i was staring at her and not the stars.

My heart pumped. Should I tell her my feelings?

"Dont you find the stars beautiful?" she asked.

What if she rejects me? What if she has no feelings for me?

"Oh come on!" She was definitely getting angry(fake of course).

I laughed. "They are beautiful" I said looking at her eyes.

She blushed. "i know right! i love to see the stars." she said.

"Yea them too.." I said with a hint of sarcasm.

She nudged me. "uff. you and your dialogues."

I sighed.

I loved it how she rolled her eyes. "God i would take this 2 mile walk to drop her everyday." I told God quietly. Doesnt matter if she is with me only for a quarter part of it.

"ok then. we are here."

" What!! stay no. whats the hurry?" I snapped immediately.

"Arre I have to cook."

I was silent. I really hoped she takes the clue and invites me for dinner.

"Chalo you go home now" she said. "You are boring anyways. you just stay quite. you dont even look at the stars.."

"I did look at the stars" i interrupted. "I was looking at different stars."

She blushed again. The knot again! Man this walk was the best decision of my life.

"acha. enough. go now. c you tomoro?"

Hell yea!! I said to myself. "Not sure yaar. its a long walk. will let you know." i said with a false sad face.

"Whatever. C YOU TOMORROW. BE HERE. drama king. clown. BYE!"

i just stood there for a moment and finally looked up at the gas balls they call stars. yea they are beautiful. i started back...humming, hoping..dream a little dream of me....

love

2013-10-06T20:12:00.002-07:00

we were watching this new movie. Not romantic but a thriller. Not
romantic at all.
Why did I even say yes? ah i remember now.. Atleast am getting to
spend time with her.
and her whole group of friends.
i ask one question to her and the whole group jumps up to listen and
answer the question.
the question is for her dammit!
Hey why are you not gymming? I asked.
She very seriously turned to me and with all excitedness started
telling me her routine. I just loved listening to her. i Never used to
interrupt. She looks at me with such intent..I dissappear in her eyes.
U look beautiful I said. Shit. Where did that come from I said to myself.
But she just smiled and said, haan? thank u yaar
.And I was about to say something else when the damned movie started.grrrrrr.
Sometimes I feel she never understands what I mean when I say she
looks beautiful. She takes my I love u's for a joke. Damn. But I love
being with her. I just love her.
During the movie at a moment the hero took the girls hand. She said he
is flirting. I said noo...he is just holding hands..like this..and I
took her hands. It was wonderful. She kept on joking, and I held her
hands.and then she took it away. I dont know why.
at times i just used to crouch a little towards her...in a very
innocent way..with a devilish smile and used to say scary things to
her. her eyes opened wide and she started hitting me!! haha
my days are incomplete without her hitting me. my days are incomplete
without her hugging me. my days are incomplete without her complaing
to me. i am incomplete with her.
it was a nice movie. well i did not really see the movie. she was
telling me about it. she liked it. so it must have been nice. :P
what did i do during the movie? i pinched her. i scared her. talked to
her. tried guessing the suspense of the movie to her. at times slept
on her. and when her friends were tlking to her..i really slept during
those times!
so i guess it was a good movie after all!
the movie ended at two. yes in the night. yes it was a late night
movie. but no fun in that. we were not alone. cant treat her to her
favourite ice cream. shops are closed.
but the good part is..i live next to her house. so she drives me to
her home. thank god her friends have cars and they live far away! at
least now i will get some time with her.
not like am gonna propose her or something. yeah we havent said those
three magical words yet. do i really need to?
just spending time with her. making her laugh is good enough. she
smiles and gives out her famous laugh is good enough for me. famous
laugh: when she laughes, the whole world shakes, some countries
experience earthquake. true story!
so i say stupid things. i am not a good standup. neither do i crack
good jokes. i just say stupid things about me, and i tease her!
its so easy to make her laugh.
it was so tough for me to smile. gosh! those days. i had forgotten
how to smile. i felt my face had a permanent frown mark.first time i
saw her..not that i fell in love with her...the first thing that i did
was i cracked a joke! that wasnt me! but yet i felt alive! for the
first time! soon i knew who she was.
she was a mad woman! a hysterical laugher! and i was a serial nonsense
joke cracker. she laughed at my stupid talks and everyone else looked
at us as if we are crazy. jealous people. or stupid us.
oops. have reached home.
havent smiled like this since ages i tell her.
she tells me i know that. do u think i dont notice?
and she goes away.
i dont know what to say.i just keep looking at the car. going away further.
thats my life. i love her

Happy Birthday Mom

2013-10-06T20:10:00.000-07:00

Dharti pe ek taara hai,
Jo mera dulara hai,
Wo mujhko pyara hai,
Mera sabse nyara hai.

Hum tumpe marte hain
pyaar tumse karte hain.

Tere janamdin pe ye tujhse kehte hain...
Happy birthday o mamma
I love u o mamma.
Tu hi sabse pyari hai,
Meri raaj dulari hai.
Tujh bin jeewan saada hai,
Tere sang rehne ka waada hai.

Happy happy happy happy birthday to you!!!!

you

2013-10-06T20:08:00.003-07:00

just how i miss u...

its crazy..

just how i love you...

its amazing..

i only have thoughts abt u...

i only want to be with u..

i will fight with u..

i will fight for u..

why not?

2013-10-06T20:08:00.001-07:00

it rained and rained and it rained for years.

and then there i saw you. sunshine finally. i met you.

i asked why would someone like you talk to someone like me?

and you answered why not?

i walked and walked and walked all my life.

and then i met you. finally i could rest.

you asked me why i love you?

i answered why not?

i searched and searched and searched all my life.

and then i finally found you. i could breathe.

and you asked why do you hold me like this?

i answered why not?

i thought and thought and thought all my life.

and finally i could see. it was you.

you asked will i be there forever?

i answered why not?

fasting day 2

2013-10-06T19:51:00.002-07:00

Its amazing. I havent fasted in 5 years. I tried doing it a few times but i always failed. So what inspired me to fast for navratri? I dont know. My growing love for spirituality? Me wanting to break my barriers? Kind of. I am a slave to myself. I cant bring myself to do things that i want to. I have such awesome and amazing aims for myself. I fail on them all the time. I wanted to break these barriers. And i dont know how but i got this idea that i shoudl fast. I am anyways attending the chanting. I am meditating.
The first day i was very hungry. I went to satsang and there was the best food ever. Usually i would break my fast, for the food smelled heavenly and there were some of the best dishes that one could eat. But i held on. And i was amazed at myself. I could not believe it. For me this was a big deal. I have always broken my fast within these 5 years. I was feeling tired and weak though. Now i want to continue it for 9 days. through the entire Navratri. That is my Tapas. That is how i want to break my barriers. Today is the second day. I am hungry and it feels amazing. I have grown. Where i could not hold myself on anything, it is the first time when in front of my eyes for two consecutive days was my favourite food and i chose not to eat it. i chose to fast. 7 more days to go. I dont know how i will do it. it sounds scary. i am eating fruits, but they are very limited. One apple and one peach. I need more fruits. i also drank milk today but i ate only once. Yesterday i ate fruits twice. I am pondering upon the thought that why i am doing it? What am i trying to achieve here?
I dont know. Perhaps this hunger which is the basic need of a human will take my emotions to the extreme and maybe i will see what is going on in this fat head of mine. maybe i will see what is in my heart. i know i am in turmoil. no anger up till now. Only hunger and tiredness.
Jai Gurudev

ujale ki talaash

2012-11-24T08:03:00.004-08:00

kabhi dil khush hai,
to kabhi dil udas hai.
kabhi jeene ki chah hai,
to kabhi marne ki aas hai.

bas yunhi chal raha hoon main,
andhera hai aage.
is andhere mein,
ujala dhoond raha hoon main

open your eyes!!

2011-09-07T23:54:00.001-07:00

what if i did not have my eyes. what if i was blind? would it really matter to me if i made the mistakes that i am making now. i mean typing mistakes. i could have pressed any keys on the keyboard and satisfy myself that i have written it correctly. similarly in our life we do almost everything with our eyes closed and assume that we have done it correctly.
open your eyes oh fool! and see what are you doing. is it really correct or are you making a mistake. dont be blind and satisfy yourself. open your eyes and correct yourself. making mistakes is ok. but ignoring them. not rectifying them and moving on carefree will not make what you are writing correct and beautiful.

just for reading..the five senses..

2011-09-05T09:36:00.001-07:00

we have 5 senses to call our own...vision, touch, speech, hearing,
taste. have we ever actually realized the value of these senses?they
are just so perfect. as to satisfy all our needs and desires. they are
so perfect and we are so used to it, that we completely neglect them,
and dont even realise the role that they play in our daily lives. we
have lill or no control over them. we just use them. but we have no
control of how much to use it. have you ever thought of what will
happen if even one of these senses die away? have you ever thought
what will happen if we cant see? or if we cant hear? or what if we
dont feel the taste of food? how would it feel to loose all of it?
they are just so perfectly there.

they so perfectly fullfill our desires. while fulfilling them, they
make us know what are our desires. if we loose the sense or our
senses, then we may actually understand what our body craves for, and
what our desire is.

have you ever tried to work by killing one of your sense? sometimes i
have danced with my eyes closed. at times i walked as little as 20-30
metres blindly. the experience was exhilarating. it was exciting. to
do something blindfolded.....but when you involve this practice more
practically more practically in your life you will realise there is no
thrill. its actually very scary. just think. no recognition of
colours. you dont know what you are touching.you dont know what is
infront of you. you have no idea of how beautiful the person you are
kissing is..
or when you cant hear...think of that...you have no idea whats going
on...there is this deafening silence. silence forever...you would not
even truly understand what silence is, because for you there is
nothing else...
all of the fivce senses are equally important..to say one has more
value than the other is stupidity. if you feel any of the senses is
less valuable...try not usiing it..and you will realize how miserable
it makes your life. but.
but.
and now the big BUT.
if you actually learn to stop using your senses. just imagine. with
the pain you will truly understand your body. you will truly
understand what it needs and what it desires. you will truly
understand the difference between a need and a desire. maybe you will
start valuing life more. you will take care of your body in a better
way. you will apppreciate things in a better way.
by practicing blindness, one may understand beauty in a better light.
by being dumb, one will realize the value of words.
by being by being deaf. one will realize how beautiful the sounds
are...how different the sounds are. one will realize the power of
noise and the power of silence.
by being insensitive to touch...one will realize how sensitive
everything is. how different everything feels. how soft and fragile
our body is.
by supressing taste, one will realize how different different food
tastes. one will realize that we need not only sweet, but sour and
other types of food.
all of these will also help us in uderstanding about life. how we need
some things while we dont need other.
awesome.

i think that is what life is....

2011-09-03T00:01:00.001-07:00

what is life? why do we exist?
perhaps to be with you...you give direction to me.
we need a direction in life. an aim.
we must have someone to guide us.
someone who can point the way to us..
then it is our job to find the way.
while i stand alone, searching for meaning of life..
i see that you already know what life is...
i see you looking at it...with such intense gaze.
you know perfectly where you are looking.
you know perfectly where you have to go.
take me there with you please...
there is a crowd behind me..everybody is searching for the right direction.
having you by my side..i feel i have a certain advantage.

what is life? why do we exist?
i don't know. please tell me.
what? you also don't know??!!
but you look so confident. so calm!
it looks like you know the way.
oh you do know the way.
but you don't know what it is?
i see you have reached far ahead of me on the road.
i am still tensed. i don't know how the road is. it looks tough.
but you give me strength.
someone around you looks happy. looks like he is walking with you.
looks like he has been walking with you since quite long.
how did i get left behind? how come i am late?and how come he is smiling?
is the road that comfortable? or is it that he has you walking by his side?

what is life? why do we exist?
maybe it is to follow you. to be with you.
it gives such happiness. such joy.
is there more to life than that? doesn't feel like it.
having you here is enough.i think that is what life is.

just you

2011-09-02T22:32:00.000-07:00

and its the smile on your face which brings ecstacy to me....when you close your eyees and smile, and when you give that look in which you are all peaceful....it is then that i open my eyes..i look at you..and i find happiness...i find everything right there...and sometimes i am jealous when i see someone near you...someone else so close to you....and other times i am happy...i feel it is me who is close to you....i feel i am you....i feel you are something larger than life...i feel angry that i have missed some moments with you...why didnt god introduce me to you earlier!!!all those moments that i have missed...that i can see only in the photographs...i want to live them...
and somehow when i see you....i am able to live them...you are love. you are peace. you are everything. how can one stay not around you!? you are ever radiant...you are perfection..every statement in favour of you...is still an understatement...i love you.

who is sri sri ravi shankar..

2011-07-25T16:43:00.001-07:00

who is this man? why is everyone crazy about him?what does he do?

well to start off..his name is sri sri ravi shankar and people call
him guruji...he is a spiritual teacher.

he carries a certain charisma..which is nowhere to be found...he is
really good with words...he is very loving...loves to have a lot of
fun....he is always smiling...ever so playful....always thinking about
others...he inspires us to work...work for ourselves and work for
others. it feels blissful around him...silence flows around him, as if
it is attached to him.when people are around him...they laugh, they
cry, they shout, they are happy..in short they express all their
emotions...anyone who has spent a moment with him...wants to spent
each and every of his remaining moments with guruji...i have seen one
thing which is pretty constant...that when people are around
him..around his personal circle...the first thing that they do is
touch their hearts...it just happens...you go near him and your hands
go and touch your hearts...it is as if like finally you have found
peace..he is the beehive and the people are the bees...
he is the master.
he is knowledge.
he is the shelter.
he is truly a guru...teacher who helps you through your life.

tu hans ke dikha de tu...

2011-07-19T17:48:00.001-07:00

ye aasman, ye zameen ye sab mujhse kuch kehna chahte hain,
tu hans de parindey, tu hans de aaj,
gum ke aansu, yun na baha aaj.
khushi se jhoom uth, zindagi tu jee le aaj.

kya rakha hai in baaton mein, kya rakha hai in logon mein,
kya rakha ahi in dooriyon mein, kya rakha in nazdeekiyon mein,
kya rakha hai in dilon mein, kya rakha hai in jazbaaton mein,
ae mere dost tu zindagi jee le aaj.

kahin door samandar gehra hai, kahin aasmaan mein ek kohra hai,
kahin dil mein chupe gum hain, kahin aankhein kisiki num hain
kahin chupa kisi ka bachpan hai, kahin dikha kisi ka badappan hai,
insaan wo bhi hai, insaan wo bhi hai,
kahin koi chehkta hai, kahin koi mehekta hai.

samandar ye jo gehra hai, ismein gum ko chupa de tu,
aasman mein ye jo kohra hai, dukh ismein chupa de tu.
logon ko, baaton ko, rishton ko, jazbaaton ko, dooriyon ko nazdeekiyon ko,
in sab ko, haan in sab ko bhula de tu
ae dil aaj hans ke dikha de tu, aa mere saath jhoom uth,
zara hans ke dikha de tu.

confusion of decisions....

2011-05-19T22:49:00.000-07:00

life is all about choices...isnt it? we have two things to choose from. so what is the first thing that we do when we are given two options?
we classify them. we classify them as either good or bad. or maybe as something good or less good or more good. or we loose our capacity to classify and keep on wasting our mind in the attempt to classify because it is only after its classification that we can actually make the choice.
i myself was stuck in one such dilemma. should i do this or that? what do i do? days i thought...hours i thought..minutes i thought and the mind i wasted. time went by and nothing fruitful came. in my tension of what to do, how to decide, i gave my tensions to others.
and then it clicked. what if i stop pondering on it. what if i just level them both as awesome?the path is different but the goal is same!
let him make the choice. after all it is him who gave me two options..so let him decide! i dont want to waste my mind!
so i have dropped my thoughts. i have dropped my feverishness of choices. have left everything to him.
you must be thinking that i am crazy...that i am still not at a decision. but i am one step ahead. my mind is at peace. i can concentrate on my work better. i need not waste my mind and energy on decision making. i will let him do it..he who has endless energy. i know he will select the best for me.

tensed i was, options i had a lot,
dont what to do, and what not.
at one hand was this and at the other that.
one was correct, but the other was not wrong,
my feelings for both of them were too strong.
confused i pondered, day and night,
a solution was no sir, nowhere in sight.
and then i called up him, for he gave me the choice,
you do the thinking, you make the choice.
for me both are awesome, one has to be done.
i dropped my hurry, and my worries were none.
for i knew that his choices are good, and he knows best,
he will do the work and i will rest!
i will not complain, for i dont know which one is better and which one is not!
i will just follow your lead, for you are the god.
ah am so peaceful, i feel so free...
just cant describe the feeling..i feel so free..

Love Story...Girls Side!!

2011-04-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

Distance never separates any relation, Time never builds any relation. if feelings are true from heart, then we are always together.

Remember the first day we talked!!
She:" hey!! i have doubt in this numerical, could you help me out?"
Him:"oh!!Tjis one, its very simle. do this and that..( even i didnt knew the same)"

We became friends because of 'Resonance' the Physics seminar.
She:"i have heard that u are doing a research work. could you help me search some topics for resonance?"
Him:"Sure why not! come to the library and we will search for the same"

We became bestest friends. started spending time together!!
The NIT garden!!!
we used to
1.study
2.gossip
3.play
4.dream
etc etc

Time started passing. we spent 4 years!! a long journey together.
She: "hey!! what are your hobbies? what do you do in leisure time? i do....."
Him:"i like playing, gossiping, gaming, masti and masti..."

Oops!! i forgot.. sometimes u did hurt me a lot. this is the punishment!
She:"Hold your ears, kneel down and say sorry 100 times so that you forget hurting me...hahahaha"
Him:"sorry..sorry..sorry"

Now it was time for you to return...
She:"Atleast give me some memories...uff!!! memories dont mean materialistic....its ok...chalega..enough for me!!"

you are going!!happy journey! will meet again!!
She:" uff...as usual!! atleast shut the window panes of the plane!!dont wave your hands outside the plane!!"
She:"all the best tweety!! fulfill your dreams"

At last
She:..

No Comments..

just another love story

2011-04-14T07:45:00.000-07:00

hey...goodbye..
chal..tc..bye..aur tu kal aa raha hai ki nahin?
haan haan...i will be here..

and she is gone.i dont want her to go, but there is no reason to stop her. there is nothing more to say. all i want to do is spend time with her. just another 15 mins..but she is gone. little does she know that all the pranks that i do are to make her smile, and to bring that expression on her face. that expression in which she acts that she is all annoyed by the pranks but in actual she is enjoying it..
our meetings are pretty short. sometimes she talks to me. sometimes she just looks at me once, gives me a smile and go away. i love that beautiful smile of her...
i search for reasons everyday to call her... and when i find the reason...i am scared to call her. what will she think? what if she feels annoyed? what if she doesnt wanna talk? what if she hangs up? what if she doesnt pick u and not call back?
god help me!
i am not a stalker..oh no i am not. but i cant help look at her. she is so...i dont know what. but i cant help look at her when she is around. that is the only thing that i wanna do!! and how on earth is she so naughty and yet so sweet?! how is she beautiful AND smart? that is not possible! ok maybe she is not smart...otherwise she would not be talking to me...yeah...maybe she is dumb..but she is so intelligent!!...
but by god she is amazing!!she has that special power to uplift my spirit by just looking at me. and i love it when she spots me and come towards me crossing all the crowd of people between us..god!

there are so many things that i want to say to her...but somehow when i see her i forget them all.. the only thing i do is look at her...
and the only thing i do is i look at her...

when i met sri sri ravi shankar...

2011-04-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

march 9 2011. i was with him. i saw him for the first time. there were four of us and guruji. he was talking to everyone and he did not even looked at me.i had really wanted some personal time with him and this was it! i had so many questions to ask him... he was so awesome!!he was energetic, peaceful, witty, laughing and short!! i had expected him to be taller!! i just kept looking at him and did not say a word. i was just lost in him. and before i realized the destination came. i was just happy that i got to spend time around him and see how amazing, dynamic, untiring, amazing, handsome, happy, always thinking about others, talkative, :) , naughty and amazing he is. then the rest of the three people got out. and it was just me and him. and just at that moment he turned, looked at me, he smiled and put his hand on my head. and in that second i felt like he understood everything i wanted to say. his eyes said everything. it was just me and him and no one else and nothing else.i did not ask any questions and he gave me all my answers.it was like he showed me the world. i understood what being around him means and of what great value it is...

i would do anything to get another of that second to spend with him...
this is my experience when i met sri sri ravi shankar...and who he is?.......he is my guru.
:)

the nirma song!!

2011-04-07T20:54:00.000-07:00

this song is created by our very awesome Basanth bhaiya....and it has been prepared on the tune of washing powder nirma...

i am considering the simle fact that you guys remeber the washing powder nirma ad and its tune....
so here goes..
radhe shyam krishna,
radhe shyam krishna,
radha bechari...krishna ke peeche,
krishna badmaash pada gopiyon ke peeche..
sab ki pasand krishna!!
radhe shyam krishna..krishna!!

the dream

2011-03-13T23:04:00.000-07:00

it was very different
very strange
it started with all of us friends were going in a train.
you were with us. we were talking and having fun. and u gave me something. something that looked like a coin and u told me to keep it with me. then i went on the top seat. i was jumping, cracking jokes, very happy.
u were just smiling and laughing and then suddenly something happened. everything started going away.
not that everyone was dying or stuff was melting.
they just went away in a very strange way. which was scary. i could see them all going away. and i could see my scary face. it was all red. red everywhere.then only me, my seat and the coin like thing remained.
then the seat went.
and the coin which was now in my hand, it became hot. red hot. it melted away right through my hand. but i did not feel anything.

and then i lost my body. i felt so free. and i felt i could see everything. and nothing
nothing existed.
just me.
everything is fake.
why do we have the ego?
why do we fight?
why do we love?
the only reason we exist is because we have to exist.
then why am i leading my self into emotion?
i felt detachment towrds everything. and that moment was beautiful. it felt real. i was free. just floated in the air. and that feeling was...blissful. after some time everything broke down. i was back i had the coin in my hand. everyone was there u were smiling at me and then u went away. no no. u were there.
u just innocently looked at me and asked what happened? why are u looking like that and u smiled!!
everyone was acting like as if nothing had happened and maybe nothing had happened. i checked if i had the coin or not. it was not there
or maybe it was.
i dont remember
i was just left with the feeling.
and then i woke up from my sleep. it was all a dream.
i have never remembered any dream. this one is by far the most clear dream. this is i guess the only dream that i can think of i remember. somehow it left some impression on me. it made me thinking a lot. the faces were so clear. the color was blood red. i felt numbness. dont know what i felt honestly. dont know what happened.
did not feel awesome. did not feel anything. it was complete numbness.

a deep thought...

2011-03-08T08:53:00.000-08:00

while we celebrate birth, while we celebrate the beginning of the new life we show sorrow and resentment towards death. why? i have never been able to understand why? aren't both the processes interlinked?it has been said again and again that in Bhagvad Gita, Lord Krishna says that a soul leaves the old body and takes a new one just as we leave our old clothes and take new one. without death there will be no birth.

people celebrate in life without realizing that this life has resulted in someone's death somewhere.

similarly people mourn in death without realizing that this death has taken life somewhere.

one needs to understand that this life and death is a circle. it keeps on happening irrespective of everything. where there is nothing to be sad about it, there is nothing to be happy about it either. both are beautiful. they have to be! after all they are gods creation. they are nature's gift to us. perhaps the only way to restart a life all over again and do everything from the very start. the only way to come over the emotions we have towards them is by being inert towards them.
but isnt it the emotions that we have towards them that make us human?it is the emotions, the way we think that make us different from other people. it is our very own emotions that make us special. and on the same hand to escape this suffering, we have to become inert.
yes this is confusing. this is a big problem that life throws at us. if we kill the emotions we r insensitive. and if we keep them, freedom from the suffering is nowhere near.

so..what should we do??

just a passing thought

2011-02-11T10:11:00.000-08:00

everyday we learn, we grow. everyday brings us something new.we have experiences everyday. some change the way we look at the world, some change the way we look at the people. our thoughts are crushed, so is our ego. we laugh and we make others laugh. we cry and we make others cry.all of this makes sure we are moving ahead. we are growing up.some people are born, some die. the balance of life and death, right and wrong has to be maintained. oh yes. some expereinces make us happy and some make us cry. but when did we learn from our happy experiences? it is always the harsh truth. it is always the hammer of the blacksmith which gives a shape to the iron. we have knowledge. we are already iron. all we need to do is remove the negativity. all we need to be is in shape. there is nothing, no quality that we dont have. all we need to do is lose.. it turns out that loosing is fun!! think about it...

for amit bhaiya...

2011-02-06T21:37:00.000-08:00

mela pyala amit bhaiya...you are such a cutie pie. when we are near you somehow all our sorrows drain away, and we start behaving like kids. i just look for a excuse to talk to you. and if i am not able to find an excuse, still i call you.. :p most of the solution to our problems is just listening to your voice. whatever my problem is, when i tell it to you, i feel that my problem is already solved, and when you tell me the solution, i dont do anything but smile. the reason for me to come on saturday is to hug you and see you smiling. bhaiya when you hug me....the feeling is wow. i feel so centered. calm. peaceful. i drop all emotions, and i feel i have everything. when you smile, we feel like a flower has blossomed. your smile brings a smile on our face. you take care of us so easily. you do everything, and you make sure that no one is troubled and everyone is ok. i always observe whatever be the situation, whatever work you give, you always put us first and then the work. talking to you bhaiya is like talking to our self. transparency.giving out all thoughts and leaving out everything. you are soft and delicate like a flower. you are beautiful. you are a teacher, you are a friend. and best of all you brought us such a beautiful and pyari pyari bhabhi!!!
i really dont know what my life was, before meeting you. but i know what my life is after meeting you. i dont remember my past. i dont wanna think about my future. i just wanna be with you. thank god i did the yes+ course. now i have you.
love you amit bhaiya. you are a true inspiration. honestly bhaiya. i dont know anything else. all i know is that i want to be with you. i dont know who you are. i dont know what you are. i dont wanna know anything. all i wanna do is be around you. be it for 1 day in a week. be it one day in a month. but the fact that you are around me is enough to calm me. it is enough to satisfy me.
all i know is you. and nothing else about you.
love you bhaiya. happy birthday. many many happy returns of the day. may god bless you with all his shine. may all your prayers be answered. may your smile inspire more as they do me. may you stay in bliss with guruji. happy birthday my dear amit bhaiya. mela pyala pyala amit bhaiya!!

the sea, the sun, and the sky...

2011-01-08T12:55:00.001-08:00

as i was driving through my car through the highway the ocean looked
so quiet. i stopped. keeping my mind still and looking at the ocean
at about 4-5 pm, when the sun is on the lower side, the ocean looked like a
barren desert.i felt like taking a stroll on it. the irony here was that i am afraid
of going into water and here i was ready to take a stroll on it. somehow
this desert looked magnificent.it stretched out miles and there was no knowing
where the sky and the ocean met. it felt as said, that the sun was sinking in the
ocean!!!haha..what was somewhat more beautiful was the reflection of the sun
in the water. i could see the reflection of the sun stretching upto the beach.
it was beautiful. i mean it stretched from the very horizon to the beach. it felt
like the sun was stretching out its hands to touch my feet.and then i let it do
that. i stepped into the water. and let the sun near my feet. the feeling of water
touching my feet felt awesome. the water was cold which felt great.
although the sun rays played no effect on the temp of the water or my legs,
somehow watching it on my legs felt funny and awesome. so i sat there.and i
looked at the magnificent sun, the sky and the ocean. there it lay at its full
stretch, with no obstructions and somehow it mocked me. it told me to come,
walk on the ocean and touch it. touch the sun. it felt so tempting. i wanted to
see the sun go down in the ocean. i felt like it is taking away all my past
sorrows away with him. at that point a thought struck me. the sun comes
everyday and goes away.people say so many things to it. they throw or offer
so many things to it. it watches the world everyday. but still it follows its routine
it does the same old stupid and boring job everyday. but what about us?
we keep our sorrows to us. we keep thinking about our past. our nature changes
the very minute someone says anything to us, about us. can i be like the sun?
or should i be like the sun?it is the very emotion that i display that makes
me what i am.

a hug is all it takes..:)

2010-12-13T04:52:00.000-08:00

it was time for me to visit the AOL centre. the thought of visiting the place made me smile from inside because i knew that that place is my sanctuary, where i can connect... i can be myself...determined i went there on a satsang day( satsang means good company...when we go to satsang we chant the lords name).

it was so rejuvanating. and i met so many amazing people. there was amit bhaiya, shubhra bhabhi, basant bhaiya, neha and so many awesome people!!!! i felt blissed!!!and the satsang ended so fast...:(...it was time to go...i did not want to leave... i wanted to spend time with them...somehow those people felt different...they were not wearing any masks...they were what they were...and it felt so calm and peaceful around them...in the end of satsang everyone hugs everyone...especially the newcomer...and so i got hugs from everyone...:)...i felt happy, light and elated from my heart...and so me, neha and anish went out to go home. neha is this beautiful girl...believe it or not she is intelligent too, the proof of which is the fact that she is doing her phd... she is always smiling...she is always doing some chatar chatar patar patar...haha..it was fun to be around her...always jumping like a kid...it is so much fun to tease her...she always gives these naughty reactions when we tease her...she kept on speaking and did not give any chance to me to speak!!!but who wanted to speak?? i just wanted to listen to her...neha's train was 3 mins away and mine was after that...it was time to bid goodbye. i told her that all these days i was feeling so alone and when she hugged i felt awesome...she smiled, looked at me and she gave me a nice and warm hug...

and her train came and with the childish smile she hopped on the train and left...and i stood there...
in that moment i dont know what happened... but a lot of feelings overtook me... i was drawn into some void and droplets of tears rolled down my cheeks...and there i was...in new york city, in the subway standing on the platform and crying...one or two people started staring...trust me, its a rare sight to see a guy cry...i dont know what had happened to me...what overcame me, but there i was standing...

that hug said a lot of things...it said whatever happens dont worry i will be there for you...whenever you need a friend i am there!!! it was reassuring and sweet mixed with a tinge of warmth...her look was piercing...i felt like she could look inside my heart and see what i had gone through and what had i been doing all these days... i couldn't forget that moment for a long time...someone hugging is not a big deal..i know that...but that moment got stuck in my mind...maybe it was the empathy which she had for me...or maybe it was the divine love which all of them possess...it was something...because when i returned home i was all smiles...the whole night the only thing that i did was smile...when i was cooking i was smiling...when i was talking in my home i was smiling...hell i even studied with a smile!!

and perhaps at that moment i learnt a valuable lesson...a hug from neha is all it takes!!!
haha
thank you neha!!!
jai gurudev

maybe. just maybe. i know the secret to happiness :)

2010-12-02T09:19:00.000-08:00

and finally she is online after 3 days...damn i missed her...dont know why i miss her but i do... :)...i dont even miss my girlfriend that much :-p...anyways...so ...i pinged her...
"hi, how r u? kahan thi itne din?" i said
"i went bak home."...i was kinda surprised. i mean her exams are 13 days away and she is a good student. why would go home so suddenly and that too without even leaving a message??
she continued "i was contemplating suicide, and i dint wanna attempt"
"wtf!!" were my precise words...
and then she explained "it was all happening at once. bianca's surgery(her roommate). exams. loneliness. him(meaning her boyfriend)"
"its very stressful. i felt so lonely and detached. like i am alone.i lost my power. i lost confidence in god."she said.
honestly...i was shocked and also scared.
" why dint you call me?" i asked.
and pat came the known excuse" no balance".
"i knew u would scold me. thats why i was afraid to tell u. but i promise i wont do it. i was only thinking about it. i did not do anything. i promise."
for a moment i really felt bad."i trust you, you know. you dont need to promise me. i believe what you say." somehow i felt she was crying. honestly i dont know if she acually was.
so i started saying "yaar you shouldnt feel like this, life shows a lot of things. you think your problems are big? my problems are this and that"
and she said " buddy i have already analyzed everything.each and everything bugs me. at that point of time i was really alone. i was scared. i dint know what to do."
and then i asked her about her problems...i gave her some advice...i told her to do some stuff and something else but her answers gave me a hint that i was doing more harm than good.and then somehow i cracked a joke on her...
the reply was"hehehe"
and then maybe i knew the answer to everything.she knew her problems. she can solve her problems better than me anyday. she doesnt need help with problem solving. what she needs is a break from them. she wants to talk to someone who doesnt read her his own problems but enjoys every moment with her.
" are you cooking dinner?" i asked despite knowing the answer.
"no mumma is cooking it"she said
"thank god!!because if u would have cooked dinner, everyone would be contemplating suicide!!!"
and she was all laughs...i joked and joked and joked and she laughed and laughed and laughed. in the end she said she wanted to go and study for her exam. somehow i didnt wanna let her go because suddenly talking to her felt so much fun!!!
it took us 20 mins 8 jokes some cursing some stupid egoistic taunts and about 16 smileys to say goodbye to her. and in the end i received my gift...she left me a message saying " super duper gadha"
haha
gadha...she always say that to me when she is happy. and i dont know how and why...but its so heavenly to hear this word from her. i feel like crying and laughing out loud at the same time. and super duper gadha!
somehow i rested assured that everything's gonna be ok. everything will be fine.
i knew how to make her laugh. i knew how to make her cry. i myself knew how to laugh. and i knew how to cry. small talks of happiness can lighten up any heart with a heavy load. people dont need others to solve their problems. they just need a hand to hold and laugh out loud. they just need someone with whom they can stop cribbing over their life and start laughing and enjoying it.
and now. its my time to smile and rest. time to talk my girlfriend.
and maybe. just maybe.i know the secret to happiness.
:)