almost loved

sometimes it lasts in love, sometimes it hurts instead

2011-11-17T00:40:00.006-06:00

"Don't forget me, I beg.

I'll remember, you said."

moving on

2011-11-10T13:21:00.005-06:00

Last night, no, actually at 6am this morning, I had my first post-Colombian sex. It was rough and meaningless. My first time having meaningless sex.

A hot acquaintance was in town for a visit. I fell asleep on the sofa after a slightly bizarre night of him constantly flirting with me and pulling sexual maneuvers on me. I was awaken by him lying on top of me and roughhousing me sexually. He said I was too sexy to resist (deja vu - that's why I'm Colombian's weakness). We took it to the guest bedroom. Let's just say, I reciprocated but didn't enjoy it. It was physically painful. He finished off fast thankfully and I went back to sleep in my bedroom.

He used me for sex, I used him for that 30 minutes of physical closeness to a man. He's staying another night; I'm sure he's had his taste and that's all he wanted. So hopefully there wouldn't be any awkwardness tonight because I had my taste and that's painful enough.

That said, I miss Colombian dearly. With him, it was never just sex. It truly was making love. He gives me gentle loving romance, and my needs always comes first. The only time he's slightly rough is during make up sex.

However, there are no fights to be having make up sex; there is no more Colombian to be making love.

This is my first step towards moving on.

Summary: Had meaningless sex this morning which made me miss everything that Colombian was to me.

if only i could one more time

2011-10-20T23:52:00.002-05:00

I go to bed thinking about falling asleep in your arms. I wake up thinking about kissing you good morning. I get out of bed and go to work. I come home and make dinner and sleep. Life goes on. Without you.

aftertaste

2011-06-25T21:57:00.003-05:00

Here we are yet again. He's like a drug I can't quit. He's making more effort this time around. I take comfort in that.

You know what... I hate coffee aftertaste. Yet I still drink it again and again. I figure, in my own convoluted way of thinking, Colombian is like coffee. He's constantly left a bad aftertaste in my mouth, but I keep going back to him.

"We'll make it work this time," we lie to ourselves.

I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

2011-05-19T22:21:00.002-05:00

This was us once. I want this again.

limbo

2011-05-11T21:11:00.000-05:00

I met with Colombian twice today. Here are my STUPID moves I made today:

#1: I missed him when I woke up so I called him. Turns out, he was at home. He was in the hospital all day yesterday due to a stomach virus. He tried texting me but it was rejected so he thought I blocked him.

#2: I went by his place this morning before work to give him some medicine. We hugged and of course being us, one thing led to another...

#3: ...because one thing led to another, I exposed myself to his transmittable virus which leads to number #4...

#4: I fly out in a few days. Imagine having a stomach virus on a 30 hr flight including layover time. I have to transit in 2 other countries.

#5: He texts me later in the day, asking me what he should have for dinner. I tell him clear noodle soup would be best. I offer to go with him.

#6: We have dinner and he takes me to the bookstore to get me some books for my flight. We hug and kiss all night.

I'm so stupid. I'm leaving my wounds exposed for him to continuing rubbing salt on it. He still doesn't know what he wants. He still needs space. I didn't want to tell him that I was leaving the country for 3-4 weeks. But I ended up telling him and he thinks it'll give him the space he needs. But he doesn't know if it'll be long enough.

I'm so stupid. We're still in limbo. FUCK ME.

final goodbye

2011-05-07T18:50:00.003-05:00

Colombian broke up with me again. 3 weeks after our one year anniversary, 2 weeks after my birthday that he didn't even celebrate with me. We were supposed to celebrate it this week. But he chose to break up with me because he said he doesn't know what he wants, in life or in relationships or in anything. He's going through a midlife crisis.

I want him to miss me. I want him to want me again. But I don't think so. He sounded so final. So much for being in love.

I'm booking a ticket tonight to leave in 2 weeks for a 3 week vacation out of the country ALONE. Hopefully it'll do me some good.

Almost loved. Again.

happy anniversary

2011-04-20T22:47:00.002-05:00

Love,

I can't believe we've made it through a year. From flirty texts to lengthy phone conversations... I remember how you used to accompany me on the phone while I'm on my hour and a half long drive home daily, and you'd drive around your neighborhood, wasting gas, just to talk to me longer. Then phone conversations escalated to a lunch date then an ice cream date. Next there was that infamous sushi dinner date where you grabbed on to my hand from across the table and didn't let go. Right after, you took me to Starbucks for coffee and dessert. And then came a moment I'll never forget, you put your arm around my waist and pulled me closer to your body and you planted a kiss on my forehead like it was the most natural thing to do. I couldn't focus and I didn't really hear what you were saying, but I knew you were asking me to choose, so all I kept saying was "you decide." You decided on a hot green tea latte and a vanilla cupcake for us to share - of which both disappointed you but you devoured it all (an omen of things to come - you'll never leave me any dessert - it's every man for himself). And then you kissed me on my cheeks and everywhere but my lips because I insisted that kissing on the lips is only for two people who are in love.

Then on April 20th, I accompanied you to the hospital for your tests and you were late (another omen of things to come - you're never punctual). When we were waiting for the elevator, I remember you, in all your lovesick stupor, blurted out loudly that I looked like a model, everything about me was perfect, my body, my lips... You could tell I was embarrassed because there were people around and I buried my face into your chest. Then we stepped into the elevator, alone, facing each other, and you leaned towards me, and bent down to kiss my lips. Another hallmark moment I'll never in my life forget, as this day, unbeknownst to us then, will become the date of our anniversary.

I remember our first fight, in your house, we had amazing make up sex at 2am, standing up against your kitchen counter. Oh I still remember how that feels. So good. And the very recent record breaking 7-cums-in-an-hour sex, unbelievably amazing my love. Another evidence of how far we've come.

You're always self-conscious of your hair or lack-of according to you. To me, you look like the man of my dreams the moment you walked through the door at the condo we were visiting. I was instantly attracted and hooked from that moment on. Then you went to overseas on business for a week and I couldn't stop thinking about you. I missed you the moment you left my sight.

Twelve months.... our relationship has blossomed and grew. Now I know how you smell, how you feel, and most importantly, how you love. To me, you're perfect just the way you are. I love you so much.

Happy one year anniversary my love. Here's to many many more!

PS: Thank you for my one year anniversary ring. You selected a heart shaped stone for me, because you know how much I love hearts. You put so much thought into getting me this ring. I'm so touched. I love you, love of my life.

truth is...

2011-04-11T20:48:00.001-05:00

We're married.

Just not to each other.

love is there

2011-03-01T20:43:00.002-06:00

"She wants to know if I love her, that's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet."
— Jonathan Safran Foer (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

if i push you, will you go?

2011-02-22T22:06:00.006-06:00

Colombian left for a short business trip today. I've been so whiny and needy lately, especially today. I must have called him like 5 times today, just because. Usually he's the one that calls, I hardly call him.

"I'm so sorry love that I can't dedicate much time to you, it's very difficult while I'm traveling - my schedule is fully booked till late night. It's very hard to have personal time with co-workers around and clients to entertain," he texted me.

Almost all of today's calls ended up in fights. He hardly ever raises his voice with me. But lately I've been so over the line, pushing him to his limits that he's forced to raise his voice.

To think about it, we've been fighting everyday now, in person, through text, through the phone, you name it, in every possible way. Even when I spent the night at his place last weekend, we'd argue before bedtime - same routine - I'd *almost* storm out of the house with my bags packed. This happened both Friday and Saturday night. He's so used to my antics now, plus I'm fueling his frustration, that he doesn't bother to stop me. He just lets me leave.

"What you did is not right, it's really not right you know! I can't believe you just did that. I never thought this was you, I never once imagined this was in your character! Now I don't know what to think of you!" he yelled at me Friday night while pacing back and forth, obviously disturbed by the drama I induced.

"This just tells me one thing - I'm never inviting you to my house again!" he continues yelling.

"FINE! Do you want me to leave then? I'll leave right now!" I yell back.

"No, I don't want you to leave!" he yells.

So Friday AND Saturday night, we were literally in each others arms, but fighting the whole time, with him refusing to even look at me. Well at least he was hugging me while we fought.

He refused to say that he still loved me when I questioned him. But we had our arms around each other, my face buried in left shoulder, he stroked my lower back while we exchanged harsh words, that told me what I needed to know...

He loves me and wants to be with me and won't let go.

I love him and want to be with him but I'm scared of being hurt so I'm just pushing him away.

:)

2011-02-20T16:14:00.004-06:00

Things are going good with Colombian. I spent the night at his place on Friday, leaving late Saturday night. A girl can get used to waking up to the yummiest pancakes and scrambled eggs ever. He's such a charmer. I can also get used to our love-making marathon, only leaving the house for food and errands.

Our future together is looking pretty bright. He took me to look at some apartments on Saturday, without any prodding or nagging from me. His criteria was that it had to be close to the rail, for my convenience. Because of that, he'll have about a 30 minute commute to work, if traffic is good. I love that he's puts my convenience first. He could have said to live in between, so that the commute is shorter for him. But no, he didn't want that.

However, we're far from moving in together. We're taking things slow, letting things fall in place. It'll be good this time, I can tell. He talks about our future together with much confidence. My instinct tells me it's different this time. My one-week total radio silence made him realize how miserable his life was without me. He was depressed, lost his appetite and even started smoking again in vain attempts to cope with missing me. He now knows it's impossible to live happily without me.

Today it's 10 months since we fell in love with each other. We've come a long way. I love that we're so comfortable with each other. It's gross and completely TMI (too much information), but we're so comfortable that he even removes boogers from my nose. Yesterday, he helped me shave my armpits. And just last night I was drinking carrot juice and there was a huge glob of pulp that I got disgusted by and spit out from my mouth as a knee jerk reaction (very classy of me, I know). He saw it and immediately removed the pulp dangling from my lips and stuck onto my chin with his fingers and wiped my mouth clean, went to wash his hands, like it was the most natural thing to do. I'm so in love with my Colombian.

I'm so sad to be in my own home now. Right now, he's taking a nap because he said I completely drained him... in a good way. He leaves on Tuesday for a business trip :( I miss my love so much.

10 months and despite the up and downs, we're still going strong.

suffocating

2011-02-14T21:52:00.001-06:00

I let you in again. Holding my breath. Till you walk out on me...

...again?

fml

2011-02-06T22:57:00.004-06:00

FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML

FML FML FML FML FML FML ILY FML FML FML FML FML FML

FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML

'nuff said.

ilunga

2011-02-05T14:55:00.000-06:00

"We're not the same anymore," I pointed out to Colombian.

"Yes, I know love. You are hurt and you're protecting yourself against me. I understand and I know it's my fault. With time, I believe you'll be better, we'll be better together. If we don't get there, we don't. But I will work harder to give you what you want," he replies.

"We'll see about that."

********************

Little does he know, I already let down my walls. I'm not protecting myself against him anymore. It's stupid, I know. But just like he said he never stopped loving me, I never stopped loving him either despite everything that has happened.

I came across a list of untranslatable worlds, and this word "ilunga" stood out to me:

Tshiluba (a language in Southwest Congo) – "ilunga" is a word famous for its untranslatability, most professional translators pinpoint it as a person “who is ready to forgive and forget any first abuse, tolerate it the second time, but never forgive nor tolerate on the third offense.” (Altalang.com)

I guess he has one more chance with me.

"Nothing worth having comes easy" -- not sure if this applies for love, or for our situation. Time will tell.

jar of hearts

2011-02-02T20:44:00.003-06:00

Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

I know I can't take one more step towards you

Cause all that's waiting is regret

And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore

You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive

And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are

Running 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are

It took so long just to feel alright

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed

Cause you broke all your promises

And now you're back

You don't get to get me back

melted ice cream

2011-01-30T02:33:00.001-06:00

Colombian and I are on talking terms again. I ignored him for a week after the break up. He called me last Saturday. That phone call stirred something inside me.

"I miss you," he said, "I've been missing you so much everyday, I think about you all the time, I can't do anything without thinking about you. It's torture. And I love you. I never stopped loving you. "

Maybe I wasn't too heartbroken by the break up because somehow I knew he'd come back to me. And I was right.

I met him for ice cream on Wednesday, we went on a lot of ice cream dates before the break up. The feelings were different though this time around. He was really apologetic and trying to get a feel for me; I tried to build a wall to shield myself from him. He commented on my coldness and distance, but he said he understood why and that he deserved it.

In the car, he tried to hold my hand, but I gently pushed his hand to the gear box. He also tried to touch my face, the way he usually does before he kisses me, but I turned away. When we arrived, he tried to hold my waist as we walked. He loves my waist. I quickened my step and he trailed behind.

We ordered a sundae to share, like the old times. At the cashier, I looked up at him. I miss his face. He looked down, to plant a kiss on my lips. I turned away. He kiss landed my cheek instead.

We sat in a booth, next to each other, and quietly shared the sundae. He broke the silence by saying I had a funny way of eating ice cream. "Why do you lick it? It'll take forever to finish and your ice cream will melt." "Well, how else do you do it?" I asked. He showed me, using his lips to "grab" a mouthful, instead of licking. "You're stupid, you're doing it wrong!" I tell him. He noticed that my walls were coming down.

We looked at each other... He looks so tired, I noticed. I bet he sees the same in me, all those sleepless nights. We kissed. His lips were cold, my tongue was cold, because of the different way we eat ice cream. It was short and sweet. He looked at me and I saw the sadness in his eyes, and he whispered "I'm sorry" in my ear. I wasn't sure what I heard at first, so I asked him to repeat. He shook his head and said "nothing". "Tell me again!" "I'm sorry, I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for everything I did," he whispered words pierced into my heart.

he knows

2011-01-21T22:55:00.002-06:00

Even though we've broken up... here's a blog post that I had written when we were still together. I have many unpublished ones. Strangely, it doesn't hurt as bad as I thought it would considering...

Anyway, we broke up Friday and I last texted with him on Sunday morning. He texted me Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, asking how I was, if I was in pain etc... but I ignored them all. He's stopped texting me since. I don't know what to think about that.

**********************

"No one has ever made me felt the way you make me feel, love. The way you look at me, the way you treat me, the way you touch me... everything. It's just incredible. " Colombian said.

"That's how you know...?" I let my question trail off.

"Yes."

"Yes... what exactly?" I prodded him further.

"That's how I know you're The One," Colombian said.

**********************

He knows I'd do anything for him. He knows how much I've sacrificed for him and will continue to, for him. He knows. Yet, he chose to let go.

it's just me and me now

2011-01-15T00:57:00.005-06:00

He's still on his overseas business trip, he comes home tomorrow. But that doesn't matter anymore.

I know that this has happened so many times between us, it's very tiring. But this time it's for real.

He told me he hasn't felt like he loved me since 2 weeks ago. He thought the feeling will go away but it didn't. Today, he just confirmed it and was honest enough to tell me...

He doesn't love me anymore. It's just not the same anymore. So... as of this afternoon, we're broken up. He said we can still talk if I wanted, but I said what's the point when there isn't love between us anymore. He agreed. So that's it.

Happy new year to me.

your cute mad face

2011-01-12T20:45:00.000-06:00

image credit

"You know what, love? You're so cute. Even when you get mad at me, the things you say, the look on your face, the way you pout like you're holding a big gulp of water in your mouth, your I'm-mad-at-you body language... so incredibly cute. It crazy but sometimes I love to make you mad," says Colombian.

"Shut up."

That's our relationship, my love and I.

Jeg savner deg

2011-01-09T19:29:00.001-06:00

Dec 23, 2010

It's the end of my staycation at his place. It's my last few minutes I have in his home. It's the end of our pretend-we're-living-together-week.

I sit on the bar stool at the breakfast bar, waiting for him to get ready. I'm always the fast one. "Don't always be so rushed, love. Learn to enjoy your morning," he says.

He's ready to leave now. He walks over to me, kisses me. Tears run down my cheeks.

"Please don't cry, love. You'll make me even sadder," he says.

"Sorry." Tears continue flowing.

He puts his hand under my jawbone, used his thumbs to wipe away my tears.

"You look so beautiful even when you cry," he says.

***********************************

Jan 9, 2011

Colombian left for an overseas business trip Saturday. He got a new job, but his company hasn't given him a cell phone yet. He's been without a cell phone since last Wednesday. It's been really hard for us to keep in touch. We did manage to meet up on Friday, for only 30 minutes though. I could see him smiling through his tinted window as he saw me walking towards his car. I was comforted by the fact that I could sense he missed me as much as I missed him. He'll be gone for 9 days, but I don't know when will be the next time I see him. His new job is not flexible, and he's been busier than ever.

"I want to take a day off work, just to spend one whole day with you when I return next Sunday. Let's see how it goes. I'm going to miss you so much when I'm there. Why can't you just come with me?"

Him successfully getting a new job, means we're one step closer to having a more normal relationship. However, right now with him traveling and being without a cell phone, it kind of feels like we took a step back. Meeting him yesterday removed my fears of that... a little.

forever can never be long enough for me

2011-01-05T21:56:00.010-06:00

Without saying a word, he closes the door and I shut the blinds. We walk back to the middle of the room, wrap our arms around each other. He tilts his head down and smells my hair. I bury my head in the nook of his neck and his shoulder and take a deep breath. He smells good. He always smells good.

We end the hug with a tight squeeze. "I miss you," we both whisper because it's almost always been too long since we've seen each other.

He cups my face in his hands. Such manly hands. I have my arms around him still. He looks at me with his beautiful brown eyes. Tilts my face up and plants kisses all over, ending at my lips. I gasp, his kisses surprise me every time, even till now. His soft lips, his warm tongue, on my lips, on my tongue, provoking my soul.

He gently nibbles at my lips, one of his favorite things to do. He moves to kissing my neck. His scruff rubs against my face as he tastes the skin on my neck. Sensual sensations run through every inch of my body. My body pressed against his, I feel the same, ignited in him.

I start kissing his neck... and his hands starts to wonder... as do mine...
...and we make love.

Just like that, no scented candles or romantic lighting, it was perfect.

It is always perfect.
With him.

2011

2011-01-01T23:38:00.004-06:00

Remember Colombian inviting me over to his place for a 'staycation'? Dec 16th till Dec 23rd were the best days of my life.

We were just like a normal couple that lived together. Everything felt right. The significance of this is that we aren't a normal couple, we can't enjoy normal couple-y things... yet.

I didn't pretend to be someone I am not. He didn't either. We had our fights. Actual face to face fights which beats text fighting a million times. Because we could see the anger in each others faces, hear passive aggressive responses instead of reading it. Feel the mood change from anger to forgiveness to love. Not to mention the awesome make up sex.

I cooked, he cleaned. He did the laundry while I watched past seasons of The Office. He ALWAYS makes the bed. Those days we were together, we fell into a routine. We didn't have to delegate. We just took on a role naturally. Everything just fell in place.

We both got a taste of what it would be like. We both want more. But we'll just have to see how things go this year.

Patience is one thing I need to learn to have this year. Because patience is what he needs.

This new year, I'll try to be more patient, for you, for me, and for our relationship, my love.

Happy new year!

can't wait

2010-12-30T17:05:00.003-06:00

Today...

He looks into my eyes...

slightly moves his head back so he could see my whole face better...

admires my face...

cups my face with his right hand...

gently rubs his thumb against my cheek...

then he pulls my ear to his lips...

and whispers...

"You're so amazingly beautiful. I love you. I can't wait to marry you."

He ends the day with kisses so gentle and so loving.

This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.

****************************************

Today was a good day. Actually this whole week has been good. He's come to see me everyday this week because we can't spend New Year's Eve or New Year's together. Next year we will. I look forward to next year so eagerly.

we never knew

2010-12-27T20:32:00.007-06:00

Boy: When I opened the door, the first person I laid my eyes on was her and I thought, "this is the girl of my dreams."

She took his breath away. She never knew.

Girl: When he first walked in through the door, our eyes connected, and I thought, "this is the man of my dreams."

He swept her off her feet. He never knew.

9 months later, here we are. Still holding hands.

I didn't get Thanksgiving with him or Christmas, nor will I get New Year's. But it's ok, there's always next year.

Love, hope and positivity are the fuel for our souls.

Happy holidays everyone!