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Letters I'll never send you #1

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 23 Jul 2018 11:55:00 +0000

I recently came across this song called "Kung di rin lang ikaw" and it reminded me of you, just like how everything do.

In the chorus it sang "Kung hindi rin tayo sa huli, aawatin ang sarili na umibig pang muli. Kung di rin tayo sa huli, aawatin ang puso kong ibigin ka". And that just resonates in me so much you know? If we're not meant to end up together, what is the point? Why are we prolonging the agony? We both know I'm not the girl you'll end up with. You will never choose me.

Our story is not a typical one where in I would always wonder what the ending will be. I know the ending. You already told me... We will not live happily ever after because we can't. Hindi tayo sa huli... kaya aawatin ko na ang sarili kong ibigan ka.

Blessing in disguise?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 16 Nov 2013 12:46:00 +0000

It is amazing how one day can change and/or fucked up your life (or not?). If I was a "half full glass of water" kind of girl I would have act very positively and jump up and down for joy regarding the big change in my life. I would've seen all of it in a positive way and do as I am told. Not that I am sulking or crying the whole day of how big this change is since I am still doing it, but you get it. I was not prepared and it is a little bit too much for me to handle. It smacked me right on the face, just when everything seems to be falling into place. Life does that a lot, eh?

I guess it's mostly because I don't believe enough on myself, see. Everyday is a hurricane I should overcome and that is not something I was prepared to go through. I was not equipped to face such thing. I'm just thankful I have a wonderful family and supportive friends to help me get by. Even if I am being a pain in the ass 80% of the time.

And on the brighter side, as long as I surpass this semester, everything will be better (or I hope so). This is a blessing in disguise. This is what God wanted for me.

If I believe enough that everyday will be better than the other, then it will be. Right?

Again.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 12 Nov 2013 17:16:00 +0000

Subconsciously decided to write again. I guess this time, yet again, is for my own sanity as well as to have proof that it did happened, or I did felt it. It sure is nice going down memory lane, especially when one is at its limit.

Been feeling like a lonesome goldfish in a small bowl lately. It's like no matter how much I swim all over the place, I'm still not moving on and/or going anywhere. Added with the emotional baggage of my Dad's birthday yesterday (I was so depressed because I didn't get to visit him). All I really wanted is to spend it crying in bed, possibly the whole day, but nope, reality did not allow me to do that and instead made me go to school from 10 am to 8 pm. Not to mention, I was deeply affected by the victims and tragedy caused by Yolanda! Watching the news is heartbreaking. Obviously, yesterday is all about me bawling my eyes out. Jeez I am fucked up badly, I don't know if its the pms making it worse or what.

Today is really bad as well. All I want is to stay in bed the whole day (again) and stare at the wall and talked to no one. But of course reality ruins everything and so I had to go to school and deal with people, ugh. Even my mother seems to be upset with me today. I don't even know if it is me ignoring her, or her ignoring me.

Second semesters really have a way of fucking up my life. Seriously.

And I swear I hate sounding like a whiny teenager who can't seem to make something out of her life, but ugh life happens. I mean, I'm not even really a "teenager" anymore. I'm twenty for crying out loud! But ugh, I guess, same old.

Thank God for the comfort of writing in this blog brings, or else I might explode yet again.

2013

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 18:07:00 +0000

I don't even know if I'm still capable of writing a post. Like I actually did want to write my whole 2012 but meh now that I think about it, it was not even that significant. It was all in the past. I mean, it was not a great year for me. I welcomed the year (2012) crying because its our first time to celebrate New Year without my Dad. February? I already moved on from this guy who dumped me Christmas 2011 but it was still a blow to my ego (I think?) to know that he'd already got a girlfriend 2 months after me (babe haven't you watched one more chance so you could know the 3 month rule?) I mean, not that I'm surprised since we got involved a month after his last relationship. Clearly, I was a rebound, but whatever give me a slack here the guy was good looking and I used to have a crush on him even before I knew his name. He was one of those guys, yeah, and clearly I was that shallow too. I don't even remember March. Then came summer, which is to be honest one of the few things I'm proud of on 2012. I got a summer job which is a first! So yey for me! Also, May - June was sort of my best 2 months since I was sort of in a flirtationship (don't question my invention of words) with this great guy finally! And when I say finally, its because I've been pining for him for more than a year already and then one day I woke up and he's so interested in me, and not just as a friend. This guy is one of my really good friends, and he's sudden interest scares me (or not) and that's why maybe I pushed him away unconsciously (or I like to think so). People kept on asking if we're together, and I kept on telling them we're more like best friends with a hint of a yuck that I don't even think of him that way, and that's why maybe he backed off. Or sometimes I'd like to think it was because he saw my flaws and couldn't handle them so he chose another girl that is much more suited to him (a girl that's pretty and smart and all that I can't be obvs). But really, it's more like both. July is my birth month. I cried a lot that particular month, mostly because each day is a slapped in the face that my Dad won't be there on my birthday once again, but all was good and blissful at the end. I found out my failed flirtationship home boy got a girlfriend on August, but surprisingly, nothing changed. We still hang out and we became more "couple-y" came September, and October. Of course, I was broken hearted within those times too (knowing he has a girl and realizing I'm still pining once again for him), and trust me, I've planned on confessing my feelings to him a lot of times but something always stopped me from doing so. November was one of the worst months for me. It was our semestral break and my Dentist took advantage and got my wisdom tooth out and oh god it was very very painful. Let's just say I would rather get my heart broken again rather than that. December was all about my on the job training which is what's draining me every single day (till now actually). I knew I was going to regret getting my ojt this semester! Too much hassle and too time consuming. Gah. I should've just gotten it this summer where in I have no classes. But anyway, still have 200 more hours to go till I finish that and trust me when I say that I really really like it, I just hate doing it simultaneously with my studies. It's making me too haggard. My friend's been telling me I looked tired all the time and I am not liking that (My schedule is 7am-9pm everyday, see). And one last thing I don't think I'll ever forget in 2012 was when I brought an iPhone 4s with my own money and then I lost it 2 months after. Hello, how could I be so stupid right?

Bipolar

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 28 Oct 2012 16:35:00 +0000

Second semester is about to start and I just felt the need to write before I became all so busy again. Hehe. I know I know I never write even if I'm not busy.

Its been 2 weeks since sembreak started, and it would have been a productive break for me (I was planning on going to the gym and doing everything to be pretty in every way. How vain I know! Heh) if it wasn't for my unexpected wisdom tooth extraction which hurts so much I would've preferred another heartache over it. Haha! Seriously though, I was not able to eat well for almost a week, and I was constantly bitching to my mother about it because that's just how I am when it comes to my mum and you know its also pms okay.

Also, one of my friend suggested I add this cute guy on facebook which happens to be a professor in our school and college department. And you know what? I did add him because I am such a girl and then he accepted me and even sent me a message that I almost died and went to heaven! And we've been chatting for 2 days now. Heh. I mean, can you blame me? He's a professor of Aeronautical engineering! And he's a pilot! Hesucristo. If that didn't convince you then we're not on the same page. Hahaha! Kidding. But seriously, I just really enjoy talking to him because it excites me that a teacher can be such a normal person and flirt, and he seems smart and I like smart people very much. Its not an Aria-Ezra kind of thing okay.

Lastly, I'm just so sad and mad(mostly just sad really) that a certain someone can mean so much to you, and then in an instant he's just not. It makes me sad that I used to talked to him everyday and tell him almost everything, and then in a snap, there's suddenly this massive space between us. I don't know what to blame. I don't know what happened. I got very depressed at first, and as each day passed by, I became more accepting and just not care anymore(Lie!!!). It was hard but I guess even friends break up.

I used to think we were better off as friends, but now I don't know anymore. Nasa huli ang pagsisisi nga ba? I enjoyed his company so much that I could not bear the thought of not being silly together as friends you know. He was very special to me(and I felt that I was special too to him) that I even made my own version of a lover's dictionary of him ala David Levithan(I am pathetic huh). But then things happened, a lot of things actually, and suddenly I looked at him and not know him anymore. I thought how that's such a fictional novel thing-y to say but it happened. And its making me nocturnal in the sense that you may never know.

And yes I did sent him a message tonight how I suddenly miss him because its the truth and it's what I am feeling at this moment. And he replied and told me how he misses me too and how we're not going to be seeing much of each other anymore because we're not going to be classmates and all that and its just makes me super sad that's why I am writing in this poor excuse of a blog. I mean, we have worked it out before, but I guess he just doesn't want me to be in his life right now or so I want to believe. I did not reply but God knows I've been staring at his message for a long time now. Ugh I hate being attached!

Okay I need a good cry now or a bar of chocolate. Bye.

Friends with benefits?

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 19 Sep 2012 16:53:00 +0000

I thought you were falling for me, you know? I thought we were falling for each other. It was oh so beautiful and perfect for me. The anticipation of who'll make the first move. I was right on the edge and ready to fall all the way. One more tiny push and I'm all yours. But you just had to blew it right?

Along with your confusion and indecisiveness, you suddenly chose to drop me. Maybe along the way, you realize how unworthy I am of you. How I'm not pretty enough, or smart enough, or even funny enough for your standards.

Would it be pathetic of me now to admit that I had fallen in love with you? That I think I still am in love with you? Now that out of the blue, you have her.

All along, I thought you were just waiting for the right time, that you were just confused and trying to sort out your feelings for me. But boy was I wrong. I was so wrong about you, about me, about us (Or lack thereof).

I don't really even know why, but my insecurity is killing me, so I chose to think that you chose her because she is pretty and smart and can make you laughed all the time. All those things I obviously can't be.

I've tried so hard to hide my feelings for you all those time we were hanging out together, but now I wish you can just read my crazy mind and know that I am hurting and I cannot tolerate being around you anymore because you already have her... because I don't know how to move on if you're still always there making the same jokes and doing the same things for me.

And darling trust me when I say that I wanted all this yucky feelings to go away already because I really cannot afford to lose you in any way. If you think that its friendship that will makes us last longer, then I am willing that give it to you.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder... NOT

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 27 Jul 2012 12:06:00 +0000

I mean sure, maybe at first, whenever someone who used to give a lot of attention to you started giving you less and less attention and eventually none at all, you start to miss that person more than you used to per se "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" right?

But what they fail to realize is that, that saying doesn't actually last longer than you think. The world is full of people, in case you fail to see. If someone who once made you feel so special suddenly ignored you, you just don't get hang over that person and wait for him to notice you again. You move on and find another one that would make you feel important again. It sounds ridiculous but it's the reality of life. In short, wag mag paka tanga.

Maybe what I just didn't like is the fact that I got used to it. I got so used to you bugging me and being there all the time. And then the next thing I knew, its just me and a gush of thin air. That's why I feel furious because jfc I got left behind again. I allowed someone to get through me again. I allowed someone to be the reason of my happiness again. I hate the fact that I allowed myself to think it was possible for us to be together. But boy, was I wrong again.

I'm tired of this kind of story. Why can't I just be happy on my own?

On being alone.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 01 Jul 2012 15:53:00 +0000

Its that time of the night again. Have you ever experience that tingly feeling in the middle of the night, that urgent tug in your heart that screams you are once again lonely and miserable? It may be pms but ugh those nights suck balls. Its not like I am really lonely or miserable, I can assure you I'm not. I am happy and satisfied with whats on my plate right now, and I could not asked for more...yet. I don't want anymore baggage than I already have because they tend to just messed things up you know. Yet here I am in my bed over thinking things and feeling sad as fuck just because maybe my internal organs decided to or whatever. Or really, its the fact that I am feeling as happy as a baby bird and then people just sort of smacked it on my face that they are happier and have more rainbows and unicorns than I do. And that makes me think. And oh boy do I over think things a lot. I mean its not like I dislike being alone, no, that's just not it. I am okay with my own company, as well as I'm fine with my friends' company. I have this belief that being alone does not make me lonely you see. And I live up to that because I really do enjoy my own company at times. But then there were people that are just ugh I don't know anymore. Its just really that time of the night again that I keep those melancholic songs on repeat and feel sad more than I should. I am fucked up.

His Life

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 10 Jun 2012 07:05:00 +0000

Attended youth gig today after almost 4 years. T'was my friend's fault, he asked me to come. I admit I am not ready to face God, but I gave in just because I was bored. YES. I ATTENDED OUT OF BOREDOM.

It was suffocating being there. I feel like I was being drown in the sea of God-loving/worshiping people. They were so full of faith with the Lord that I kept thinking how much I don't belong there. It was like stepping into a wrong birthday party. They were singing and dancing their love for God, while I stand motionless, with hundreds of doubts and questions in my head. I have all this never ending and nonsensical questions about my missing faith. Like when did I really lose it, or if I still believe in God, or if I really believe I don't believe or am I just saying that. It was all too exacerbating for me. I was rather overwhelmed by it and by them.

And at the back of my mind I know the answers, I was just too much of a coward to really admit them. I lost my faith because I chose to. In my mind, talking to God means talking about Dad, talking to Dad himself. It was like I was restraining myself from the sadness and from the emptiness I feel whenever I remember Dad. I was trying so hard to hide the hole that he left in my heart. I was avoiding the reality that he left us forever. And that's when I start losing my faith. Or rather start choosing to lose it. I avoid that agony by avoiding God. I let myself live a life where everything in my life is all sunshine and rainbows.

And by going to that gig today, I suddenly realize I will only be ready to have faith again when it no longer hurts. When losing my father doesn't make me cry so hard anymore.

And if that is the case, will I ever be ready?

Writer's block.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 07 Jun 2012 17:01:00 +0000

I just called myself a writer. Heehee. Anyway, I know I said I'll write often, but there seems to be nothing to write about. I mean there is, but they're either too boring, nonsensical, or I'm too much of a coward to express them here. Which is shit crazy because this is supposed to be my personal blog. I just seem to have this paranoid feeling that someone I know personally might read this (you never know right), and then I'll have no choice but to move out of the country. Hahahaha. Heh.

School starts next week though and I'm very excited (!!!!!) I don't think lazying all day is my thing anymore, which is just as crazy and ridiculous as what I said above. I need actions! I don't think I'm living my life enough.

Then there's my issue about boys which is really nonexistent to be honest. I just like making a big deal out of everything these days since I have basically nothing to worry about.

On the contrary, I think this is my most productive summer yet. I'd manage to have a summer job! And I accomplished my goal, which is to read 15 books and watched 20 movies. Isn't that awesome. I'm so proud of myself I deserve a pat on the back. Heehee.

Now, my last minute goal is to have a flat tummy while maintaining my weight (I don't want to be any thinner huhu) which is going to be harder to procure. But I am doing my best and its not going to be an instant thing I know, so I'm being patient with all the exercising I'm doing. So yeah. Good luck to me.

And I did missed writing in here.

xxxxx

Its confusing the shinenigans out of me

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 13 May 2012 13:56:00 +0000

Like whenever something happens, anything, I'm back to zero. I'm back to pinning over you. You know. And its not even the lusting kind of way, like wanting to make out or have sex or even hold hands. No. What I imagine whenever I do allow myself to, is you and me together sitting outside a coffee shop, below thousands of stars winking at us, or maybe laughing with us. You were telling me this nonsensical story, and I was laughing my ass out even if it's not supposed to be funny. We always did have the same kind of sense of humor. And it was one of those things that attracts me to you, the fact that we get each other, that you get me. It was what always flashes in my mind, us, just talking and laughing. Every minute we spend together is always perky. We were so so happy and that moment always flashes perfect to me that I can't help but want you. Then again not in the lusting kind. I love you, that much I know, and sometimes I do want you all to myself. I do want you to be mine, just mine, but I can't imagine us doing anything physical.

And really, isn't relationship supposed to be just like that? Y'know, just having a mutual understanding and laughing together, and really talking and getting each other's peculiarity. Its all I could care about, don't you?

Lego house.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 10 May 2012 14:09:00 +0000

I didn't even know when I started getting butterflies whenever you're around. One moment, we were trash talking each other as we play our favorite video games, then the next time I know, there was this commotion inside me whenever you touch me, be near me, or even when you simply cross my mind. I didn't understand what I am feeling.

We literally grew up together, aside from the fact that we were neighbors, our parents are best friends. And maybe that's why, as we grew up, we became best friends as well. In a way, it was inevitable or planned.

You saw me on my underwear, I witnessed you go through the whole wetting the bed stage, we learned how to ride the bike at the same time, and even bought matching bicycle(mine pink, yours blue), you taught me to play tennis, and I thank you by giving you a scar below your left eyebrow, and I cried so hard that time that we both swore I will never hold a tennis racket ever. You were there when I got my heart broken by a douche bag, and the next day I saw him with a black eye, and I was there for you to bring you home safe whenever you're drunk or passed out. You never left my side and held my hand when my dad died, and even more when my mom decided to go abroad because "she could not bear to live in a place where all dad's memories linger", those were even her exact words. I remember you bringing me ice cream that time, every single day for a whole month, and that's when I start believing that the world is still a ball full of sunshine. I did the same for you when your parents got divorce. Its the first very first time I saw you cry. We were there for each other all the time, because in a way we are all we've got. We were brothers and sisters, link not by blood, but by heart.

And when I realized what this is all about, I ignore it and decided to keep it all locked inside a box and forbid it to ever come out. I thought about everything we went through, and how complicated everything would be if you knew what I feel about you. And complication is not something I wanted from you, because you really are all I have in this world. I thought about how my feelings would only ruined our strong relationship. You must understand that you are that sunshine I'm referring to, and I can't live in darkness again. When we're together, it was like we were in this special cocoon that keeps us happy and safe at all time. We were so comfortable as best friends, and I thought I cannot afford to lose that.

But as I look at you now, all I can think is I wish you knew all my feelings for you before you finally tell her "I do".

Darling everything's on fire

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 05 May 2012 15:07:00 +0000

There are a lot of things that are so inexplicable, and all this time I try so so hard to find the answers, to find what it meant, to justify what its trying to say. And with all that searching, I end up more confused and more clueless than I was at the start.

I guess, I'll start with the most overrated saying that when life gives you a lemon, make a lemonade. And that simple sentence confuses me to hell, that when life finally gave me a lemon, I did what I usually do and over think it. In which, I end up finding all the metaphor I can come up with that can be compared to a lemon. And when I did, I went ahead and overdo it. Which leads me to over analyzing the situation, and making me confuse(er).

It didn't occur to me that all this time, all I really have to do is get a pitcher with water, and start on making a lemonade. It is at the end of the day, that simple. That all I really need is a glass of ice cold lemonade. And it might not really be all I need, but it starts there.

Collide

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 16:35:00 +0000

MY CRUSH KISSED ME!!!

I'm not even kidding! But before we proceed to that story, let me start with how it happened. Our section had a closing party in fontana overnight last Sunday (March 25-26). Well, it was past midnight, we were drinking and playing truth or dare out of boredom. (We were waiting for the McDonald we ordered) When the bottle stop at my crush, he chose dare. His dare was to kiss his crush. And that's when he kissed me!!!!!! I did not even expect it!!!! And I'm still so hyped about that kiss that I can't stop my exclamation points!!!! I swear I was so happy that time that I didn't get to sleep until 5am. (I think I am so OA though because it's only a kiss on the cheek! But whatever. MY CRUSH KISSED MEEEEE. His lips on my cheek!!!!!!!) The feeling was like eating lots of ice cream and french fries but better!!! And that's just on the cheek. <3

Our story actually started when we were making a video for our project. He portrayed a gay comedian, and that's when he snatched my attention. He was so game with everything see! And he was just too adorable and cute for words. So I started liking him and told all my girl and guy friends about it (Its what I usually do. I always broadcast my crush. lols) So one of my guy friends gave my number to him out of a silly joke that is way too long of a story to tell. So he sent me a blank text message that same day, and I replied "Pabili pong yelo" just to be funny. We had a silly conversation because of that, but he eventually found out that it was me sending him text messages. We did not became friends though or anything after that. I can tell he's not interested, and so I did not push it. I am still a girl after all.

But well after last Sunday(the kiss!), we sort of started to get to know each other. We're flirting a little bit. Or so I think we are. And I found out too (I have great sources!) that he likes me way before I started liking him. And that he thinks I am not interested in him, and only sees him as a friend. He's so judgmental I know. Why don't you get to know me more first babe? Lol. Heh.

Point is, I am not ready for a relationship right now. I am still enjoying what's in my plate and I'm not ready for the next level yet. Besides, I don't think he's the one for me. I enjoy flirting with him, but right now, it's all I can offer. ~~Besides I think I'm in love with somebody else.~~

That doesn't stop the butterflies and the unexpected smiles everytime I remember that time though. Heehee. <3

Oh and I miss blogging. Who knows. Maybe I'll be back. *smiles

Xoxooo

Fragments.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 13:11:00 +0000

Been a while huh. I have no excuse other than the fact that I am losing the need and the urge to write all my feelings and whatnots in here. A lot happened in my life already!!!!!

I'd almost fallen in love (remember babe?), got my heart broken, move on, made a choice, got sick, shoot and made a video for a certain subject (the reason I got sick! hello over fatigue!), made enemies (hello haters! #chos), met new people, got played by a jerk, bought a puppy (which I do not have yet, coz its still too young), celebrated my Dad's first death anniversary, got braces (!!!!!!!!!!), and realize that most guys are jerks (as in makati silang lahat).

Also: I got addicted to twitter. The only website that will always always be there to listen to my 140 characters or less nonsensical rants.

Last thing! I raped my webcam today, so this happened. (hello bed hair!) Click read more!!!!

Not sure if I can update soon after this. So yeah. Bye for now. Xoxo

Two Zero One Two

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 14:57:00 +0000

2011? It was the worst year for me. I never even want to remember it. And so I am leaving it now, on the hope that my 2012 will be flying unicorns and pixie dust.

So yeah. Have a happy New Year guys.

Pseudo relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 12:11:00 +0000

I can't stop listening to mushy love songs and think of you. Just the thought of your presence makes my knees weaker, literally. And when you're around, it was paradise. Like I'm eating a gallon of haggen dazs but better. You make everything better. So I'm crossing my fingers for it to lasts. I know you can be very impatient and childish but I really think its cute. You are really cute, what did you see in me again? Lol. Heh. I like you very very very much you see. There were times I feel like I am even in love with you. And that scares me and excites me at the same time. And you know what makes me the most happiest? Its when you told me you are in love with me too. So what now?

First week is over!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 13:52:00 +0000

So first week is finally over and I just feel so exhausted. Gad. I don't know if I'll be enjoying this semester. My schedule is so hectic! I am knocked out as soon as my head hit the pillow everyday. Shiz. My insomnia broke up with me.

And my stress goes to 10 because of boys. Holy shite! I am not enjoying the fact that I maybe falling for two guys(Babe and Friend). And this is not just the ordinary lusting over some hot guys in the hallways, its more like we are bonding and flirting and I think I really really like you kind of falling. Insert cheesy song here* (Sana dalawa ang puso ko...) And did I mention how one of this guys (Babe!) is who my friend likes too? I feel like I stab her heart mercilessly and left it on the middle of Edsa to be stomp on too. Which come to think of it, maybe I did. I am a horrible person! I can't even look at her in the eye anymore. Yes, we are all classmates and that's why its always awkward. My guilt is slowly killing me. I am a really horrible person and you shouldn't be friends with me in real life.

On a more depressing note, I think I am falling more for Friend than Babe, which makes no sense since Babe is whom I'm sort of having a relationship with. And Babe is the one who really likes me. Its like this quote I read about how its human nature that we'd rather fall in love with the person we like, other than be with someone who likes us. Fuck human nature! Why can't I love someone who loves me back? Is that so hard? I am so abominable. For the second time, you shouldn't be friends with me.

Now excuse me while I watch a really lame movie and drown myself with ice cream. Boohoohoo!

Two is better than one

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 04:42:00 +0000

I just can't wait for class to start! I've been lazy-ing all day. Y'know eating and sleeping all day. Not to mention stalking my crush 24/7 on the world wide web. Which come to think of it sounds like paradise. And also this. (Weh porn) We've been tiny chatting overnight. Me and my friends.

But anyway, I have news.

I'm sort of in a relationship with this certain guy, y'know MU, he's a classmate. Let's call him Babe. And then there's this guy whose been my long time crush whose a really close friend of mine. We'll call him Friend. I am so witty with code names I know. Heh. The thing is, Babe knows my deep infatuation for Friend (Lol@deep) So the problem is me, Babe, and Friend will be sharing a class. Spell awkward. And exciting! I know I know, I shouldn't be excited with this, but I am sort of evil, so I am feeling giddy. And y'know, I think it's time for some real action in my life. It's been a real bore. So the tension I think, would be nice. *evil laugh* I can actually imagine right now the scenes that would happened. Y'know, me choosing who I would sit with and all. Or Babe seeing me having fun with Friend. God, its like a movie. I just hope I'll get no karma, since you know I'm technically not in a relationship with either of them. It's all harmless flirting. Or so I hope so. God, am I awful or what?

Hahahahaha. Anyhoo, thank you Lord for my grades!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 16:38:00 +0000

So... tagalog tong post na to. Maglalabas lang ng kaunting hinanakit.

Gumimik kami kagabe ng mga classmates ko. Lima kame. Bale dalawa kaming babae, dalawang lalake at isang bading. Nagpunta kami dun sa may inuman malapit samen. Yung murang inuman. Yung tipong walang tao, mga matatandang nagiinuman lang ganun. Gusto nung dalawa naming kasamang lalake dun kase daw para swak kaming magkekwentuhan. So ayun na nga kwentuhan, tawanan. 9pm napagpasyahan naming lumipat. Gusto daw nila kase magkantahan. So yun, punta naman kame sa diamond. Marami dun eh. Inuman+videoke. So dun naman kame.

Actually, isang hinanakit lang naman talaga sasabihin ko eh. Nilagyan ko lang ng mahabang intro. Bale andun nga kame sa may diamond, di ko na maalala pano napunta sa usapan ang kaartihan ko. Pero yun nga naitanong ko lang kung naartihan ba sila saken. Tapos sagot nung isang lalake naming kasama. "Oo sobra. Sobrang inis nga kami nun sayo. Kung di lang kita kakilala ngayon, malamang naiinis pa rin ako sayo." Tapos naiyak ako. Naiyak ako di naman talaga mainly dun sa sinabi niya, part lang nun yun. Alam ko naman na maarte talaga ako. Masyado lang kase akong emotional kagabe dahil sa stressed sa finals, pms, hormones, tatay ko(or lack thereof), at alak na din. So ayun nga umiyak ako sa bar. Ewan ko ba. Naiyak siguro ako kase ang angas ng kaklase kong yun eh. Ang angas magsalita. Masyadong prangka. At isa pang kinasama ko ng loob e paulit ulit niyang sinasabe na maganda daw si K (yung kasama naming girl na super bff niya) kumpara saaken ng sampung beses dahil sa ugali niya, dahil sa kabaitan niya. Try niyang ipamuka sakin yun no? Pakiramdam ko tuloy ngayon di ako mabuting tao. Napakabigat sa loob ko yun. Ayaw ko na tuloy siyang maging ka close. Nagsisimula na pa man din kaming maging close. Hinatid niya pa rin naman ako pauwe, atsaka kino comfort. Tapik tapik sa buhok parang aso, tanong kung okay lang ba ko. Ayun. Pero ewan ko bitter ako sakanya right now.

Naisip ko tuloy, sakanya ba talaga ako bitter o sa friendship nila? Tatlo kasi yun eh. Si K (yung babae), at yung dalawang lalake. Silang tatlo ang super friends. At nakikita ko kung pano nila itrato si K. Para siyang prinsesa. Para siyang may dalawang instant kuya/daddy/bestfriends. At naiinggit ako dun sa friendship nila. Actually hinde. Naiinggit ako kay K dahil meron siyang dalawang lalakeng handang mambugbog para sakanya. (May nangyari ng ganun). Wala kase akong sobrang matalik na kaibigan na lalake na handang paglaban ako, handang makipag bubugan and all. Kasalanan to ng lola ko, pinagbawalan niya akong makisalamuha sa mga lalake. (Lol@salamuha). I mean, di naman sa mapapaaway ako. Kung sakali lang naman. Masarap lang isipin na may taong handang ipagtanggol ka hanggang wakas. Gusto ko ng lalakeng friends na tulad nila. Gusto ko ng lalakeng best friend.

On a lighter note, muntik na kameng mapaaway kagabe! Ang exciting lang! First time ko. Haha. Nagkukulitan kase kami nung isa pang lalake. Kinikiliti niya yung kili-kili ko, tapos tawa siya. Eh bigla napansin ng mokong yung nasa kabilang table. Lalake at babae naghaharutan ng wagas. Turo naman daw niya sa labi niya, tapos tawa siya. So ako naman nakitawa din. Eh kaladkarin akong tumawa eh. Yung tipong mahihiya ka minsan na kaibigan moko. Ganun ako tumawa. Eh nakita nung babae yung pagturo at pagtawa ko kaya ayun galit na galit yung babae! Bakit daw namin pinagtatawanan, etc. So tumayo yung kaharutan kong yun at nakipag usap dun sa lovers. Naayos naman. Syempre dineny namin no. Hah! Angas na babae.

Oh yun lang. May exam pa ako bukas. Di ko nga alam bakit ako napa blog. Though masakit pa din loob ko. Pero keri na. I can't please everyone ika nga ng nila. Diba. Ang mahalaga eh sembreak na pagkatapos ng bukas. Lol. Bye!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 15:55:00 +0000

Sometimes, I get this eerie flashbacks in my head.

I was walking home today, and suddenly I just remember Dad. Its like life slapped me and I just realized I've been walking home alone for 8 months now. I felt so scared and lonely. And I just can't breathe, you know? I had to stop and clear my head or else I'm going to have a break down right before I got inside our house. And I just can't have that.

Same thing happened last week. I was in school, then I just remember that I left my homework and I have this itching feeling to call Dad so he can bring it to me, but then I realized he can't. He no longer can. And I was so mad that I wanted to cry. But I didn't.

I remember him even when I was just buying Mt.dew.

It's like all my life Dad was always there. He was always just a text away. You know? That's why I still send him text messages up to now. It's crazy but, its what keeps me sane.

I even play in my head our last time together all the time. He cooked dinner for me that night, you see. He cooked for me because I didn't want to eat our other viand. Ang arte ko kase. And I didn't even say thank you to him. Or even a goodnight when he went to sleep. I didn't realized it was the last time I'll ever saw him. The last time he'll cook for me. The last time someone will tolerate me being a brat. I just didn't realized, you know?

I'm on the edge.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 14:17:00 +0000

Its been a while since I last posted something. I guess there just isn't things to share, things worth writing about. My life is as dull as my love life (or lack thereof). Or plain rice. Yeah that's the perfect comparison. Rice without any viand. Boring and dull. Gah. I love my adjectives and sarcasm.

Anyhoo, there's only less than 2 weeks left before our sembreak. And I can't believe its already been 5 months since I started my life as a junior. Time does fly so fast. And so far so good. I love my course. I love my IE family. And love all the cute guys in our building. Lolwhat.

Though I am a bit sad because of some reasons. First, I will no longer have classes with one of my best friend and twin sister (at heart!). I swear I'm really sad. I'm going to miss our everyday bonding! And of course my crush. Though that's more of a sad-happy thing. It's a complicated feeling. I'm both sad and relieved that I no longer have to see him after this 2 weeks. And I'm still deciding which weighs more.

Gah. Love can makes you crazy. I swear. HAHAHAHAHA. What am I saying.

It's almost time for our final exams. So I guess I'll be on hiatus for 2 more weeks then comes sembreak! And from then onward expect lots of post about my not so exciting life. I'll be going to the gym this sembreak though. So I guess my kalagot hinigang run on the thread mill and attempts to countless of sit ups and push ups would do a good story. Or rather the cute and buff guys on the gym would be more interesting to tell about. Whichever excites me that day I guess.

So yeah. Later.

The 9/11 Tragedy.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 16:09:00 +0000

"I can swing on the swing by myself! Even though I miss you pushing me.

Can you see me?"

PMS.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 04 Sep 2011 11:45:00 +0000

Hanggang kailan? Palagi na lang yan yung tanong na gumugulo sa isip ko.

Hanggang kailan kami malulungkot? Hanggang kailan kami maghihirap? Hanggang kailan kami iiyak?

Time heals all wounds? Hindi ko na pinaniniwalaan yan. Hindi panahon o oras ang magpapagaling sa sugat ko.

Akala ko date parang sa relasyun lang eh. Na katapos ng tatlong buwan okay na. Na magiging normal na ulit. Pero pitong buwan na. Pitong buwan na pero di pa rin nabawasan yung sakit. Pitong buwan na pero ang hirap hirap pa din pagpatuloy ang buhay ng wala siya.

Di pala katulad ng relasyun ang ganito. Magkaiba pala ang iniwanan sa nawalan. Sa nawalan hindi ginusto, sa nawalan wala ng balikan.

Ang daling magpanggap. Sa harap ng pamilya ko, sa harap ng kaibigan ko, at sa harap ng ibang tao. Ako na siguro ang isa sa pinakamasiyahing tao na makikilala mo. Laging nakatawa, laging nagpapatawa. Sino ba naman kase ang gustong makarinig ng malulungkot na istorya? Sino ang gusto ng maraming problema? Wala. Kahit naman siguro ako ayoko ng malungkot. Gusto ko laging masaya lang. Kaya nga bugbog na bugbog na itong blog ko sa lahat ng drama ng buhay ko eh. Ito lang kase ang handang makinig sa malulungkot na eksena ng buhay ko na ayokong ibahagi sa tao.

Minsan nga ayoko ng pumunta sa sementeryo. Mas madali kasi ang magkunware. Madaling lokohin ang sarili. Mas madaling isipin ko na nasa ibang bansa lang siya. Na darating yung araw na babalik siya. Sa sementeryo kase para akong nabibingi sa katotohanan. Andun lahat ng sakit eh. Yung katotohanang wala na talaga siya. Na kahit kailan, kahit gaano pa ko katagal maghintay, hinding hindi na siya babalik.

Kaya nga siguro tumigil na kong magsimba at magdasal. Nauuwi lang kase sa pag iyak ko. Pag kinakausap ko ang Diyos, di ko mapigilang malungkot at lalung alalahanin siya. Wala akong sinisisi. Tapos na ko sa eksenang sisihan. Pero ang pagkalungkot, matatapos pa kaya?

Hindi sa ayaw ko siyang maalala. Baka sabihin niyo ang sama kong tao dahil sarili kung magulang ayokong maalala. Perong pitong buwan na akong nabubuhay sa kalungkutan. Pitong buwan na akong manhid. Pitong buwan ng masakit ang puso ko.

Hanggang kailan ba ako ganito?

Love, Stargirl.

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 13:14:00 +0000

“Who are you if you lose your favorite person?

Can you lose your favorite person without losing yourself?

I reach for Stargirl and she's gone. I'm not me anymore.”

—Jerry Spinellli