Chemical Reaction

the unnamed ties

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 06:48:00 +0000

"Ties. I prefer firm ties. The ones that are harder to do and undo, but when are done and afterwards undone, can be proud of themselves and say with belief "I was a great tie"... It is silly to cry for ties that seem to be undone but which are still firm. Some ties are stubborn. Sometimes you think "puff, there it goes..." but they are actually still there. Just like some kinds of love."

Quoting from one of my favorite short movies Lacos (Ties)

destino - dali

My question today is: with whom do you have eternal ties? In which minds do you reside? Apart from your over-generous self-valuation, which invisible bonds keep you from giving up to gravity and falling down your graveyard? Mom? Dad? Sis? Lover? Abuser? Ex-lover? Now, I want you to think harder. Think of people who are not in your quick dial list, but still nourish big chunks of your soul one way or the other. It may be the green-eyed musician you see everyday begging on the street, the milestone person of your life that goes deep, a stranger that you play with every week, may be a mocking soulmate or an epiphany-triggering colleague… I'm talking about the people that your brain & your five senses notice and highlight out of all strangers in the crowd. The ones who fill your matrix... Openly or behind sealed lips, think of all the people that you have strong ties with...

I like the word "Ties". Even better: "Bonds". "Relationship" is a weak term that is too broad to carry the meaning with its head up high. To make "relationship" more adequate, people have sub-named a few different kinds of it: "family relations" "friendship" "girlfriend-boyfriend" "fiancee" "husband-wife" "someone I met at a bar" "my student" "my buddy" "my ex" "my religion"... Dull identifications that are supposed to signify all the fanfare you go through when you are having a shared experience with the other party (usually "the upper party" when it comes to religion). But you live a completely different set of events and feelings when you are with different friends, different family members or different lovers... If we are assuming that everyone is unique, than the types of relationships should more or less add up to "people X the number of people each of person meets". Apart from the generic sub-names like "friend" or "buddy" that I just mentioned, this leaves out billions of relationships unnamed/undefined/unidentified. Within the sea of these unnamed/undefined/unidentified interactions, most people drown in confusion and panic. Because there are no pre-set rules, no predictable timetable of the upcoming phases, no social pre-approval, no apparent security, no promise of justice. So people freak out. They don't look at the green-eyes of the musician they see everyday begging on the street. They don't go and thank their favorite writer for writing so neat. They stay away from the people who might understand, who might reflect, love, help or lead. They just don't speak. Much worse, they don't know how to communicate beyond speech. They forego numerous potential firm ties or brand-new standard-relationships they could have had if they only chose to follow their bond-radar soul instead of following the constraint-lover society. The very society which betrays them sooner or later despite their selfish loyalty... When your relationships are not clearly defined by this mighty society, you might false-believe that the unnamed ties do not exist. But as long as there exists the slighest hint of a shared experience, they stand still on the iron hill.

Played an Hour

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 05:08:00 +0000

I began taking drum classes yesterday. It means:

- I'm not going on with my kendo (Japanese sword) and improvisation (theatre) classes.

- I'm not giving up searching for "my passion" or "my thing" despite how ugly these hobbies look in their structured-monetised covers served strictly one hour per week.

- I want to "make" music, and I don't want to die before I make it.

So how did it feel like?

It surely feels gooood to hit the drums with all my power. It really is a basic instinct to hit a surface and get fascinated as it reacts and resonates according to your movements. But unlike some instruments, drum is all about letting your instincts show in an extremely controlled manner. The same pace, the same pattern, the same order for minutes for hours, for ages. You are setting the background of the song, being the backbone of the group, policing around. Not experimenting, that's not your job if you are not Keith Moon. You have to stay within your boundary, stay within the same pattern no matter how emotional the song gets. %100 concentration, %100 dedication...

It's more fun than it sounds though... Very useful if you need some loud self-discipline or syncronization of head, legs and arms. Useful indeed if you want to make army-like sounds and use rhtym instead of a gun.

Loops & Lollipops

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 20:21:00 +0000

I'm now going to do something very cheesy and post cheesy quotes about what's keeping my mind busy these days instead of writing something boringly serious myself.

Secondary reason: I haven't collected my thoughts yet.

Primary reason: It's the lazy sunday night...

Now, before I go and enjoy the mightiest of all nights, let's briefly talk about loops. Loops: Repeating, thus predictable, circular patterns. The shape of the human fingerprint. The status quo. The comfort zone. The comfortable mind-filling addiction that frees you of the burden of being free. Outside the loops there is the fear of the anomaly, the rest, the others, the other loops, the fear of the unknown, the fear of the dark, the fear of welcoming yet possibly dangerous lollipops strangers hand out. So we live inside passivizing loops, fearing there is no life between them.

Somehow, I am capable of listening to the same people complain about the very same problems in different contexts indefinitely so it has become very easy for me to pinpoint loops and tell people what they are going to go through in the future. Below are a few pieces of inspiration and encouragement I hand out for breaking prisoning loops and seeking lively ones.

"Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes."

Oscar Wilde

"And let that day be lost to us on which we did not dance once! And let that wisdom be false to us that brought no laughter with it!"

Friedrich Nietzsche

"If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down."

Ray Bradbury

"Sometimes a butterfly will come to sit in your open palm, but if you close your hand, one way or the other, it -and its choice to be there- are gone."

Barbara Hambly (Dragonsbane)

"When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the ones which open for us."

Alexander Graham Bell

"Be faithful to that which exists nowhere but in yourself."

Andre Gide

Dublin's Advocate

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 08:42:00 +0000

A wise man warned me. He told me that I should get the hell out of Dublin and run for my life. My friends agree. It's my fifth time here, so I know what they mean, but I keep coming back. I'll now paint you a dark picture as to why. Don't freak out, because the picture is painted on a stormy day when full moon is high.

Think of this city as an uneasy David Lynch movie, or a film nouveau filled with complex triangular relations. Everything seems to be plasticly right at first sight, but hell is set loose as time passes by. As I said a lot of times, Dublin is simple and gloomy. It's not savage so you don't have any thrilling survival motivations. It's not artistic so you don't spend time for inspired expressions. It's not drowning in stormy politics either to keep you up at night. The stage is filled with temporary actors with no guiding script, no reason to be, and no decorations. It's life in its simplest form. And life in its simplest form brings the core of men out, which is the core reason I always return to this bloody town. I'm amazed by the abundance of food for insanity here. Bizarre Halloween goes on 365 days a year. Don't misunderstand my accusations, I feel deeply connected. I like the calm heartwarming surface as well as the rest of the iceberg where people are on fire as default. Here, emotions are rapidly multiplied, norms are recklessly defied. Every night, River Liffey is filled with beers, a constant lack of consiousness, and eventually, tears. When subconscious takes control, man becomes a Lemming, gets rid of the pain of being a man, and claims his muddy intentions. Sex is too easy to find, so people construct delicious walls of drama and complications for spicing up their fading relations. Newcommers are warmly invited into circles of ego wars and are supplied with wet ammo and cloudy weapons. Besides the green of the city, life comes in the shades of red or grey. You feel as if every minute, you live another day. And just when you feel that you can't take this crash&burn anymore, a total stranger comes to you with sincere concern on his face and tells you everything's going to be OK. With sweet relief, you erase disturbing memories, take shelter in the few lovely people who keep their hands clean of this mess, and wonder why this ending reminds you of the end of Devil's Advocate.

Ornament the Blanks

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 21:43:00 +0000

History of humanity is problematic in essence. It's how we evolve: by solving current problems and creating new ones. We cure some diseases and synthesize new ones. We turn a few bloody wars into cold wars, but die in cars invented 10 decades ago to compensate for the lives gained. Always constructing with one hand and destructing with the other.

My question is: what is our problem now?

Is it poverty? Human rights? Slashed budgets in recession? Family issues? Erosion? Not enough money? Competition? Getting a partner? Ethics? All of the above? None of the above?

Most of us would select "all of the above" but almost all of us act as if the answer is "none of the above". That's where the problem is today.

We overlook the problems and shut our eyes wide to what's outside our comfort zone. We are OK with being comfortably numb. We are OK with not being interested, not knowing and not learning. We find out the source of information with minimal effort, and let it go at that. A little piece of everything, but not enough of to define or solve anything. We don't write, we cite. We don't talk, we comment. Our brief reviews are ruthless. I have just watched the first episode of Lie To Me (a series where a "lie detective" can tell if a person is lying just by observing the body language) and I feel disturbed at how misleading some "scientific" pieces of rumor can be. Because there is none, we are all experts here. We, semi-experts, don't have much to say (the rule of thumb is copy and paste). So we have to find a way to say our few words persuasive enough. Thus we take salvage in rhetoric, exaggarate what we say, sugarcoat it with shakespeare-like expressions. Talk as if we belong to earlier tribes and years. Cut our sentences in half for Twitter, combine them in chunks for Sourtimes. We flood our poems with loosely connected "-ism" words so our insincerity doesn't surface. It's our desperate attempt to ornament the blanks. We don't feel the problems as our own, so it's someone else speaking in our patch-work sentences and words.

How to keep a pokerface

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 22:06:00 +0000

We watched The Brothers Bloom(2008) today (7.4/10 on imdb), an intuitive con story, which reminded me of how important it can be to keep a pokerface in certain situations. So below are a few tips to refrain your face & body from giving away hints of what you think when you are making strategic moves.

Disclaimer: Pokerface can be vital or lethal depending on the situation, do not use if you don't know the difference in between.

1. Prerequisite: Stand in front of a mirror. Think of different possibilities that could happen and watch how your face changes depending on your emotional deviances. You can even record a video to observe more closely. Now to make a pokerface, relax all your face muscles one by one, starting with the forehead. Instead of forcing yourself to hang on to one expression, delete your expression all together. It's much more easier and stress-free. Now rehearse: think of the same possibilities again by keeping your face muscles relaxed and show no emotion at all.

2. When it's on, be extremely consistent with your mood, voice and body language. Any significant change would be a hint that "something's going on". Raising your eyebrows, holding your breath, sighing, re-adjusting your position in the chair, anything! You don't want to get that attention. Being rude or too kind would be perceived as unnatural and theatrical too, so stay somewhere in between. Don't hesitate, be calm and make smooth movements. Take invisible deep breaths to achieve that flow. Imagine a refreshing/easygoing friend is in the room with you if you have trouble with relaxing. Overcoming stress is much easier with this kind of visual aid.

3. Form straight sentences and be careful with your pronunciation. Use dots, not exclamation points or question marks. Making -surely logical- statements will help you exercise authority and hide any vulnerability. Question the questions that you don't want to answer.

4. If you need to increase your dominance, watch the other party closely and if you find something that makes them uneasy (like pushy questions), big or small, do it. This will keep their mind busy and stop them from observing you for a while.

5. If there is something that makes you uneasy, think of a way to ward it off beforehand in case someone tries to take advantage.

6. Keep the eye contact to avoid giving the impression that you're bluffing; but don't overdo it. Cut the eye contact and look away if you want the other party to believe himself/herself to be superior for a while... Try not to blink. If you want to excel further, there are also tricks to adjusting your pupil size that spread out subconscious signs.

7. Don't stick to the pokerface for too long or you may loose the advantage gained if the other party quits the whole thing earlier than expected due to your androidness.

Unconscious determinants of free decisions in the human brain

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 04:31:00 +0000

of page

"There has been a long controversy as to whether subjectively 'free' decisions are determined by brain activity ahead of time. We found that the outcome of a decision can be encoded in brain activity of prefrontal and parietal cortex up to 10 s before it enters awareness. This delay presumably reflects the operation of a network of high-level control areas that begin to prepare an upcoming decision long before it enters awareness."

Nature Neuroscience (2008)

mirror mirror on the wall

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 19:54:00 +0000

this is an old one, that makes me feel rich:

Not-so-bad Things About Kadikoy

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 19:39:00 +0000

Everyday I live a different life. Music is different, weather is slightly different, the apple tastes different, the same people are different, the smell is almost always different, complete layout is totally different. One day feels like a film noir and the next, it's The Lord of the Flies... My whole comprehension is so different from one day to another that I sometimes have doubts about whether it is OK to have so many epiphanies in a row. An enlightening sentence I read, a tune I hear... they all change the scene. And there are some places where this scene-changing-stimuli are in abundance. One in Istanbul is Kadıköy, the Camden Town of Turkey. It's an Anatolian beauty that people overlooked until the last few months, and it means a lot to me. I had another visit there yesterday:

It's on the other side of the bosphorus, so I needed to get on a boat first.

"The boats are taking off from the other terminal now" said the officer.
"Really? since when?"
"January"

January?! I haven't been to my favorite place for almost a year? It was hard to believe it had been that long. What was I busy with? I stepped on the good-old boat and was shocked once more: the boat was a new one with wide seats and a shiny deck. In line with the new technology, the trip was much shorter, less than 15 minutes. I landed right at the entrance of the main street and walked upwards as I always do.

Surprise. Kadıköy was transformed in the last few months, dramatically. It's now publicised and crowded with people that clearly don't belong. It's full of cafes with catcy names, orderly streets... There is something "made" about it. It's not really dead but it has too much make up on.

I've been going there almost every month for the last six years and as I know it, Kadiköy has been an amateur intellect hub. It's never been glamorous or attractive. It's not a place for the rich artist. It's a place for Bukowski, Cocteau or Camus. Rough & Tough. Full of scattered bookstores, movie houses, designer stores, lots of underground bars, lots of wannabe teenagers and lots of tattooed & red-haired middle aged people who are here since they were lame teenagers. Kadıköy has a slight touch of the dark side or an imitation of it. It's the place for confusion and constant deviation. And if you believe that "confusion is the highest state of mind" or if you want to feel something different for a day, maybe something deeper, Kadıköy is the place to be.

funniest Turkish movie ever

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 19:45:00 +0000

Below is my favorite Turkish movie Kadın Severse (1955) from Atıf Yılmaz. It's supposed to be a drama but it's more of a comedy nowadays. Spare some time and watch it with a few friends:

Istanbul Biennial 2009

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 19:33:00 +0000

I remember my first biennial six years ago. It was the first week of my first year at university, my first week in Istanbul and my first activity with a now-very-close-friend of mine. I remember that despite the newborn cluelessness, it all came easy to me, and nothing in the city or the exhibition surprised me. (advantages of a comprehensive prior education and a speedy adaptation...)

Concept of this year is "What keeps mankind alive?"

This is my third biennial since then and is by far the best one. Only %50 of it is crap.

And you might ask: what gives anyone the right to call an art piece crap if the artist is content with the end result? Well, the act of exhibiting does. Moreover, %50 is actually a very good ratio when it comes to creating. Being quite agnostic about art, I will be talking about the crap half with people who defend the whole thing and I'll be talking about the astonishing half with people who defy it all together. The definition of art is just too broad to have a single approach to it; but I strongly recommend that you see Biennial 09 and enrich your gestalt. Ah, and stop by the Alexander Berg portraits in Taksim metro station, there's something extremely captivating about them.

the third party - interaction solidified

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 07:27:00 +0000

I've been observing individuals and groups for a long time just for sports; watching how people interact, digging into specific characters, speculating on group dynamics... etc. I just noticed that I've been missing a big deal by not paying attention to "the interaction" as an entity in itself.

Imagine you come across two of your friends. There is your dear friend A, talking to your other dear friend B. While they say hi and start talking to you, you suddenly notice their interaction C facing you as solid as your friends are. Somehow you don't like C. There is no animosity in between and their welcome ceremony is warm enough but it's just that you don't like how they effect each other or how their relationship is effecting other people. That C makes you walk away despite your easy friendship with A and similarly easy friendship with B.

Let's take on a more positive example and say you are sort of OK with having A around and you think B is a freak (yes, this is what I call a positive example). Somehow, when they are together, they rock! Being together makes them a fabulous company and the interaction C shines bright. B becomes less of a freak and A becomes more fun to be with. C changes how you perceive their personality eventhough it doesn't in reality. Not that I like Woody Allen but that's the point of the Vicky Christina Barcelona where a couple finds out that the missing part in their relationship is another person. Having mentioned the movie, I have to post its cute soundtrack below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEt1H9hkHvE

Kurt Vonnegut Explains Drama

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 05:27:00 +0000

I want to dedicate my 200. blog post to a brilliant explanation of life from Kurt Vonnegut, taken directly from Derek Sivers blog:

"I was at a Kurt Vonnegut talk in New York a few years ago. Talking about writing, life, and everything.

He explained why people have such a need for drama in their life.

He said, “People have been hearing fantastic stories since time began. The problem is, they think life is supposed to be like the stories. Let's look at a few examples.”

He drew an empty grid on the board, like this:

Time moves from left to right. Happiness from bottom to top.

He said, “Let's look at a very common story arc. The story of Cinderella.”

It starts with her awful life with evil stepsisters, scrubbing the fireplace. Then she get an invitation to the ball! Things look up. Then the fairy godmother makes her a dress and a coach. Even better! Then she goes to the ball, and dances with the prince! This is great! But then it's midnight. She has to go. Oh no. Sadness. Back to her humdrum life scrubbing the fireplace. But it's not as bad as before, because she's had this encouraging experience. Then, the prince finds her, and the happiness factor is off the chart! Happily ever after.

“People LOVE that story! This story arc has been written a thousand times in a thousand tales. And because of it, people think their lives are supposed to be like this.”

He wiped the board clean and said, “Now let's look at another popular story arc: the disaster.”

It's an ordinary day in an ordinary town. But something horrible happens! A child falls down a well! The whole town gathers to save her. Old grudges surface, but are belittled in the light of this tragedy. Rifts are bonded as people work together. The child is saved, and all is well. But notice it's a little better than it was before, now that this incident has brought them all closer together.

“People LOVE that story! This story arc has been written a thousand times in a thousand tales. And because of it, people think their lives are supposed to be like this.”

But the problem is, life is really like this...

Our lives drifts along with normal things happening. Some ups, some downs, but nothing to go down in history about. Nothing so fantastic or terrible that it'll be told for a thousand years.

“But because we grew up surrounded by big dramatic story arcs in books and movies, we think our lives are supposed to be filled with huge ups and downs! So people pretend there is drama where there is none.”

That's why people invent fights. That's why we're drawn to sports. That's why we act like everything that happens to us is such a big deal.

We're trying to make our life into a fairy tale."

Feathers

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 00:35:00 +0000

After overcoming my exaggerated-rage-against-Istanbul, I became a content person. My spiky longings faded, leaving a sweet taste behind instead of a bitter one. Involuntarily, I stopped rushing between goals and wills and wishes. My heart started beating at a normal rate. Minor panic attacks and anxiety blindness dissipated. I got a stronger grip on my life-course when I didn't try to do it in a rush. My eyes are not locked to an imagined-aim anymore. With all dues paid, I began thinking in present tense. Tsunami tides melted into the rainy shore and somehow I don't mind rain now. I don't want hot weather and things feel more stabile... Wind is a better choice. Wind howls, holds and flows. Fills the matrix so delicately without cutting into the skin like sun or snow. Makes you feel like an airplane lifted up in the sky. Less gravity, and a supported body. Gears shift to right brain. Freshess guaranteed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sw1weml0-r0

Reassessing My Mindshare

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 19:45:00 +0000

To free my mind, I want to be alone in the loathing city this evening. avoiding the usual chatter with my close ones. I look for a non-familiar restaurant in the supposedly-intellectual-part-of-town. I sit outside in the soothing wind, take out my addicting novel, order a cold beer, and start thinking.

I've been thinking a lot lately. This thinking process differs a great deal from my past sessions, because now, I'm thinking of what to think.

I'm trying to break my thought patterns because some of them might be constructed wrong from the start. I might not be caring about the things that I make myself believe that I do. When these wrong beliefs/patterns mess with me subconsciously, they end up making me uneasy on a conscious level. So, at regular intervals, I elaborate on my mind-map to see how much of my vision is blurred by biasses.

It's obvious... Within this era, people are very successfully manipulated to think what is in the best interest of mass-manipulators. Some people think of career, some think of relationships, some think of growing plants, some think of politics, some think of their hobbies, some think of their families, some think of building a family... etc. Used to depend a lot on roots and upbringing... Now it mostly depends on what globalization puts on the table as food for thought. Oh, and, there lies a very tiny fraction of thoughts in your head that is only inspired by who you are, if that is of any comfort to you. Today, I'm trying to get to that part.

To do that, I have to identify and eliminate what I was taught to think and what I'm encouraged to think.

It's relatively easy to see the effects of my home-country on my values/character/focus points rather than the effects of globalization which is forming a common denominator for each society. So it's easier to detest the prior.

Well, there I am, twisting my efforts of questioning my mind-share to end up in a familiar topic like my relation with my home-country... So much for a free mind...

So, I challenge myself with a new approach to solve my problem: I don't force myself to nibble my food for thought. I open up my addicting book and let intuition lead the way into my subconscious, and I taste the essence of my mind all along the meal.

we are we are... the youth of nation

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 00:59:00 +0000

My generation keeps talking about how similar our lives were when we were children: the cartoons we watched, the music that rocked etc...

We were alike.

Well, "we" are still very much alike. I can't promise about the whole youth but people within my sight keep bragging about how "unique" they believe themselves to be within the crowd based on the common grounds listed below.

So... who are we?

- We have a longing to turn to basics

We were born to get our swords and slash a few heads in massive wars, yet we sit all day in front of 15 inch screens typing with clean-cut nails. Our power is trapped, so we watch small demos of violent nature on Discovery, or big-budget action movies on Hollywood screens. We lead armies on pc's or dwarfs in FRP. Extreme sports are at the core of our distinctive CV's showing how wild we are. Oh, and, how much we would love to go to Africa and join some un-done tribe! How much we love the careless African music that appeals to our most basic instincts and drives our feet off the ground!

- We are or we have been blindly obsessed

with at least one person, maybe two, that we cannot seem to kick off our lives despite all these years. We are sure that no one ever loved this much in human history. Well, we can't call it love -maybe soulmates-, it's something more, something more sick, something more connected and definitely bloody.

- We believe that we are thinking out of the box

without even identifying which box it is that we are talking about. "The others" are trapped, we are not. Well, we seem to be for now but we'll surely find a way out because we have brilliant ideas that no one else has. Once we find the right moment, no one will be able to stop us.

- We are inborn backpackers

Hitchiking or motorcycles imply an adventurous soul. Travelling is our passion. When people start talking about their adventures abroad, we sure have something to add in, or some comment about any country. "You want to go there as well?? Let's go together!" "Yes!!! We definitely should!!!" is a conversation that we are tired of hearing over and over. If only we could find enough free time, we would do a lot more of road-trippin, the Easy Rider style... And this time we would go East instead of going West, which is more genuine, more down to earth, more saved from the boring rules of civilization. Frankly, the only place we truly loved within the boring civilization was Spain. We can't name the reasons why but, there, we had so much fun!

- We are restless and we want some rest

A soulmate would be soothing but it's hard to find nowadays.

- We LOVE food. We also love showing off our love for food

In case you don't know, the cuisine of our home-town is numero uno whatever that home-town is.

- We choose our passions according to the fashion

As a hobby, we tried getting into photography. We will start taking improvisation lessons soon, or a dance lesson. We tried volunteering in high school or the university, but we will do more of it, once we find the right time and the right philiantrophy project.

- We are into cinema

We watched Matrix and Fight Club more than once. We can't do without Hollywood but the magic is in the Requiem for a Dream, Clockwork Orange, Mullholland Drive and all alike.

- We are masters of empathy

We observe people's behaviours carefully and spend a remarkable amount of time and effort on psychological and sociological analyses. Human mind is controllable once you know how to, so we take results of brain & behaviour researches very seriously.

- Words are very unnecessary

SMS existed before icq info pages or msn/facebook status messages did, so we sent most meaningful lyrics to girls/guys we liked as messages so that they would have a sense of how deep we felt about them. Nowadays we send links from videos on YouTube. But this sometimes leads to confusions as the song-writer doesn't have our particular relationship in mind when writing the whole song: some parts of lyrics contradict with what we mean in general. Or sometimes we are not sure which parts are addressed to us. Still, we feel as if we are part of the strongest relationship ever.

- We have a generic playlist for each age

For example "Nothing else matters" is part of 15 and "Where the wild roses grow" mark the beginning of 30's. Radiohead and Coldplay are timeless, and yes, somehow we are all "weirdo"s. And no, we are not comfortable with publicly enjoying cheesy hiphop pieces.

- We go to music festivals

because that is part of who we are: "a festival hippie".

- We go to social events to meet virtual people offline

First time is never easy.

- We are damn connected

We don't mind a broken TV but we can get physically ill when we have no connection to the internet for more than a day. Mac's and iphone's are still considered to be cool signs of a marginal personality.

- We are social, in our own way...

We are all on Facebook and we all appreciate Google.

- Master's degree is no longer a nice-to-have

Everyone's getting one so should we.

- We were very positive about having a mental disorder

such as paranoia, manic depression or schzophrenia once. We only stick with paranoia now.

- We remember what they did last summer

We can't recall what we ate for lunch three days ago but don't forget people we know and our interactions with them. Some, we know every word by heart.

- We have been on diet once the least

- We all have a Converse

- And we love making lists like this one

Istanbul, Final Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 15:09:00 +0000

I care so much about where I am that my blog entries and my thoughts are filled with this subject now. I might even think of studying this further, the scientific way... I don't loose interest as I expected to when I travel more, my curiosity is unleashed on the contrary. It's not like I need to go to some exotic far east country to be head over heels about travelling, taking a walk at the back street of my apartment is enough to pump small packages of adrenaline into my bloodstream. As I discover new places, I compare them more, elaborate more, criticize more, and value more.

Right now I'm getting my memory back, about Istanbul. It took me a week. I'm getting at the root of my alienation after living abroad for three tiny months. It appears that I always had a numbness shield to prevent me from perceiving its negative sides. It's a lot like love, how you choose to perceive someone/something is very much different than who that person / what that thing is.

So, an invisible precaution bubble is a must in Istanbul, you need to lock yourself in when you are on wild wild streets. Do not listen to creaking horns, carefully bypass people who would otherwise bump into you, ignore hostile looks, ignore hungry looks, refrain from smelling the air - breathe only to survive-, always watch your back, always watch your bag, plan hours ahead to overcome the traffic, don't push people to the edge - they are explosive-, keep your hands clean -in every sense-, be careful where you're stepping -pavements are wavy-, don't talk to strangers that you want to -it's so not common, thus, dangerous-, don't expect the rules to be obeyed -constitution included-, don't expect your dinner to be served in a timely manner in a restaurant, don't freak out when someone tries to step in front of you in a queue -step further and ignore the failed attempt-, just don't expect people to behave, keep it calm. It's not about you, it's about the city.

Then, if you have any energy crumbs left, suck the fun out of this dark comedy. Enjoy the scenery. Watch people's destructive primitive actions that stems from uncontrollable levels of volatile emotions. Appearing on this evening's flash news as a casualty is always a high probability here. Be it sad, happy or tragic, you always have a story, some form of hook for your life. Maybe that's why I don't get thrilled by the books I read or the movies I watch anymore, real life here is much more interesting. This city is completely out of line. It leaves you no space for boredom. It doesn't leave you space for pretty much anything.

Twilight - Yet Another Vampire Story

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 10:21:00 +0000

I just read Twilight, an high-school vampire romance, a recommendation from my last flatmate who happens to be a Polish ballerina. I watched the movie after reading. It's a book about a girl who falls in love with a vampire, a highly predictable vampire story but reading Twilight is exciting nonetheless. The movie should be very disappointing though without reading the book as it is a very loyal adaptation, so much as to ignore the prerequisites of becoming a real movie.

A lot of people compare this book and movie with Harry Potter. They are both cheesy, fiction and about high school weirdos but those seem to be the only common grounds. This is an average vampire story, not even getting close to Anne Rice Chronicles, but somehow better than Underworld. This story has some psychology digging, lots of love, and some action, and some fiction. If you are looking for only one of these, you'll probably complain that you haven't had much of it. Also, don't waste your time if you think you have more valuable stuff to foster yourself, add value, build your knowledge etc... but if you want to unplug from rationales for a while, give it a go.

Back to the Black City

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 22:16:00 +0000

I'm back in Istanbul, only physically. I've been away for only three months but I have partial memory loss as to how I lived and loved living in this place. I feel like a legal alien as I try to re-adapt to routines here. The traffic routine, the shopping routine, the socializing routine, the business routine, the non-communication routine... Everything that I took for granted, that I didn't bother question... I spend a lot of effort trying to rationalize what is going on, every minute. Now that I have experienced other ways to living, I can come up with less reasons as to why I endure this constantly unnerving flow. Friends + family + adrenaline are three I can come up with. Not more. Peace can't make its way into the equation. Actually, I am not a fan of smoothly working systems and right-on-time-public-transports, but the only alternative to a dull life should not be a chaotic city chronically on fire. See, this is the first time I smell the dirt in the air, the first time I am irritated by sweating in summer. Totally alienated from this town, it almost feels like I've been away for more than 3 years. Despite the bitter beauty, it all feels in vain.

Non-Spain Spain Photos

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Thu, 30 Jul 2009 00:16:00 +0000

below are my photos from Spain that are not about Spain:

Three Months at Wuthering Heights

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 23:50:00 +0000

"Has Dublin changed you?" my friend asked me 10 minutes ago.

Only one week away from going back home, I try to recall everything that has happened here:

Apparently, a lot has happened despite the stagnant status quo / Most of it was unexpected / I wasn't surprised by what happened during this three months but the speed of them happening was intoxicating / I went in and out of loops several times... which was expected /

I was truly happy / My head was clear / Because of this, even at the wildest tide, my head was above the surface /

More savage than safe, this was my playground. I made very good friends in this playground which made all of this worthwhile. I also got to know a lot of bad seeds who were ridiculously funny. All my small talks turned into deep discussions in a matter of seconds and those added to my personal development. I'm more sure about the universal core characteristics of people now that I met people from very diverse backgrounds.

"No", I answered my friend, "I haven't changed but I am now more sure about who I am and what I don't want."

It all felt very different / Even the re-makes of the movies I've seen before had a delicious intensity / It all was funny / With its obvious upsides and downturns, it all was real / It all was wortwhile / Right before I move on / I'm glad to be here /

Spain - Brief

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 22:08:00 +0000

Spain is a cure full of pain. The country is distinct and unique. It has the capacity to become the dream country for a lot of people because it's so down to earth and solid.

I've been to Madrid & Barcelona and medieval towns, and beach towns, and artistic towns of Spain in the last 12 days. Based on numerous exaggerated feedbacks I got before I packed, I was expecting to be swept off my feet by its glamour. I was expecting dizziness, mind-blowing attractions and blinding fake experiences. I spared myself the usual touristic fanfare and found something even better.

Spain is a fine mixture that has a delicate and familiar taste. It's certainly Mediterranian, but than it's African too, and Indian American, with a slice of Brazil and Cuba, even maybe Mexican. Well, it's human. You can feel the streets breathing like no other. You can feel their anger, their genuine dirt, their hurried sadness, always bitterness and neverending joy.

On these streets, Spanish people look very much alike. Shiny black long hair: a certain cut for women and a certain ponytail for men accompanied by a certain beard. The clothing on their fit body is always consistent and elegantly designed. The wisdom you see in their eyes is generally understanding: when they look at you, they really are looking at you, only until you want them to stop looking at you. So you don't feel in danger, invaded or at risk. You feel... alike.

At the tip of the continent, Spain is a place where European life-standards somehow meet real human values. Of course there are downsides to living here, but these are so honestly and elegantly put forth that you can't really resist the whole offer. Sun, sand, dance and sangria seem to be there in Spain to save you whenever you need a dream that can come true.

Dublin - Intermediate

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 22:05:00 +0000

I've been living in Dublin for two months now. My naive-touristic phase is long gone, so I have a word or two to say about this place.

Dublin is like Dogville (if you haven't seen the movie, think of a village with no walls, no decoration, only plain people). The city is not attractive, it's not enlightening, it's not glossy. It's silent and peaceful and not-intrusive (well, except at midnight where the streets belong to drunk people).

This city looks like a kid's painting: green trees, houses and rainbows, with a sign that reads "we don't have much to offer but you are more than welcome". Just like a film set where you have low alike buildings, lots of gray clouds, greenest trees ever and a lazy river flowing... You walk for three hours and you feel as if you are on a treadmill. Red-old smiles come your way. It all looks the same. You have only the wind to listen to, and the noises in your head. You are never in a rush as the city never expects you to be quick. You never feel alone as the stillness of the city keeps you company. It all feels the same. Isolated yet secure.

But then it's very much like Dogville. Because there is nothing else to see, you see people. Or you stare in the mirror and see yourself.

If you keep staring in the mirror and start writing, you become a great depressed writer as your inner-thoughts grow within the silence of the city.

If you invest your time in other people, than your life is meant to get much more complicated for you. As the saying goes "there's nothing else to do, every me and every you". Thus, relationships are intense. Even the naive ones that seem to be shallow, they go deep. Weaknesses of people are easy to pinpoint or abuse when you are that close, so ego-wars are common. Much like any suburban community, status quo dominates all group dynamics. And much like any suburban community, this is a place where you feel home if you belong, and you feel banished and angry if you don't. Well, of course this is not a battleground and a lot of people feel home... I do... It's also not that you can't find a new place for your head or heart when you feel unfit, but unlike other cities, here, there is no clutter to distract you from your communal routine. The city is not attractive as I said, so people around you take a larger slice of the cake when you are allocating your attention.

And to compensate for this density, people drink :) That is the perfect excuse to loose consciousness and blame the pint for breaking any rules. The booze brings an air of levity and alleviates the burden of being visible. Dublin, in the end, takes things easy.

As the Irish saying goes:

May the light always find you on a dreary day.

When you need to be home, may you find your way.

May you always have courage to take a chance

And never find frogs in your underpants.

The West Exists Because There is an East

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Thu, 28 May 2009 03:29:00 +0000

I have a Taiwanese flatmate here in Dublin who works for Google's US headquarters. Apart from being the greatest flatmate ever, she is a great discussion-mate. She studied psychology at Stanford with a certain emphasis on its social side so we often dive into social psychology discussions, my favorite. We both were raised with a mixture of Eastern and Western influences so can see how they interact and contradict with human nature. There are two things I want to share that strike me most about this:

1. Western individualism was a minority until a few ages ago. Despite its contagious and respressive nature, it is still a minority when all the world population is considered.

2. This individualism is contagious not because it's a better alternative to collectivism, but because it's inclusive nature takes well advantage of the outsiders of collectivism. It is certainly no secret that "groups" define an enemy to define themselves better. Simply read The Lord of the Flies or watch LOST if you disagree :) So people who stand out in collectivist cultures are either declared to be the ruling authority or outcasted simply depending on the current circumstances. These outstanding outcasts are warmly welcomed by individualism which then is nurtured by the new arrivals. The better defined collectivist group inevitably dissolves in time by internal conflicts, the speed of this dissolving depending on the ego-homogeneity within the group. The ruling authority is dismissed most violently. Simply watch King Lear or read any history book if you disagree. Thus nurtured individualists take the upper hand and invade the world whether individualism suits them well or not.

Far Far Away

noreply@blogger.com (Ayca) — Tue, 19 May 2009 21:34:00 +0000

This is a tough one. I've been in Dublin for the past 20 days and this is my first post since then. Since day one I've been bugging myself with questions such as:

- how does it feel to be away from Istanbul, for longer than a short period of time

- likes/dislikes

- how long a stay would be enough

- what more I can get out of this stay

- whom/what do I miss

- who is Dublin

I thought I would have satisfactory answers by the end of week one, but things got more complicated in time. My overall perception is very positive eventhough the city is extremely dull but I'll have to observe a bit more before I can elaborate on the points above.