Chic Thoughts

Pole Growth

2012-11-07T21:57:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, after two weeks off, I was back on the pole. I have some talented women in my class and I was watching with a little amazement (and a little envy) as one of them executed a move I haven’t the slightest comprehension on how to pull off. I understand the mechanics and I know I theoretically have the strength, but my body doesn’t want to believe it can actually do it. So, I just lay on the floor after doing whatever I could manage and looked on with appreciation.

Later in class, we were working on shoulder mounts. This was something I had tried a year or so ago when I was just flirting with pole and nearly landed on my head. It was a different story this time and now it’s not all that challenging for me. I pulled up on the pole and found the woman I had been admiring looking at me. “How do you DO that?” asked she, wearing what I imagine was much the same expression I had earlier in the class.

We all have our challenges and blind spots. We also have those things that come easier to us than others. I know a woman who can do the splits as easy as walking, but finds handstands impossible. I love Superman but an Inside Leg Hang makes me squeamish. It helps me to remember this to keep me humble but also to give me hope. I’ve learned to put a lot of time and effort towards my challenges because they offer the greatest reward when, eventually, I’m able to achieve them. Not for the sake of achieving them, but for knowing I’ve grown.

The Soundtrack

2012-11-01T22:46:00.001-04:00

In the movie of our life, our thoughts are the soundtrack.

When we are watching a scary movie, it’s the music that makes us fearful of what might be around the bend. It lets us know that our anticipation should be rising. In a drama we are told when something is sad or sweet or moving. Soundtracks set themes and add nuance. They tell us how we should feel or react in any given situation. The same is true of our mind.

If we live each day in fear. Worrying about what might happen, what might go wrong. If we constantly think about getting hurt or being rejected our feelings will follow suit. Our muscles will be tense and we’ll be sensitive to the slightest provocation that might arise. We will find hurt or spend our lives trying to construct a bubble around us to protect us from the world. We spend our lives waiting for bad things to happen because we are listening to our thoughts.

We all have fearful thoughts. But we can choose whether or not to believe them. We can choose to change the soundtrack of our movie. If we focus on living from a place of love. To be open, regardless of our fear. If we choose to see the light in situations, instead of the shadow. If we accept that we are not in control of tomorrow and that might be a very good thing. If we allow our hearts to lead our mind. In this way, our thoughts will change, our soundtrack will change, the tune of lives will change.

These are just some thoughts inspired by revisiting this fun clip, earlier today. The Shining Spoof.

Mind Games

2012-10-30T21:44:00.002-04:00

I do cardio at the gym in the morning. It helps me wake up, but it’s not the most exciting thing in the world. I try to distract myself by watching TV, but time still passes slowly. Very slowly. A few weeks ago, I decided to try something else. Wearing my personal training hat, I could call it “interval training.” Instead, I like to think of it as “game playing.”

This is nothing new. Work out at a regular level for five minutes then spike the intensity up for 30 seconds to a minute. These short bursts of concerted effort pump up your heart rate and have been shown to have a good effect on your physical being. But for me, it serves a more important function. It keeps me from getting bored. My mind is focused on counting down during my regular interval then pushing hard when it increases. It has little time to whine or complain or drift off.

I took this to the pool, as well. Swim four laps, sprint for one. But I also added another element. The lap after my interval I focused on my kicking. After the next interval, my arm stroke. This not only helps occupy my mind, but also keeps me in my body. I notice the tightening of my legs as the work through the water, the sensation of my arm slicing through the surface. My body moving forcefully forward.

Working out in this way has given me a new appreciation for the hard work my body on my behalf. I feel powerful and strong. And, to be honest, it’s just more fun.

Drishti

2012-10-25T22:14:00.002-04:00

We often have themes our yoga classes. We are encouraged in the beginning of class to keep something in mind while we flow. It may be an intention, our breath or perhaps an idea. Like finding the strength in each posture. Maybe the grace. Or perhaps the sense of play. It serves as a focus, a mental drishti, bringing us back to awareness, back to the present moment.

I found this practice helpful in other areas of my life. It helps me, she of the mental gymnastics, tame my mind and keep me in my body.

When I’m walking my dog, I’ll focus on breathing. Not my breath, but breathing the fresh air. I try to identify the various smells in my neighborhood. Have they just cut the grass, is it lunch time at the new deli, how does the earth smell after the rain? When I’m shopping, I’ll focus on my fingertips. How smooth is this apple, how cold is the refrigerator case, what does this box feel like? I often like to pay attention to my feet as I’m walking just to see how they are doing. Are they hot, tired, or happy? Or my stomach while I’m eating. How is it reacting to what I’m feeding it?

It might be something I’ve experienced a hundred times before, but I try to bring a new curiosity. In doing so, I find subtleties I’ve never noticed before. By being present, I often pick up on other nuances, I may never have noticed before. A flash of a smile from a stranger. A kid singing a nursery rhyme to his mom. A black squirrel running up a tree.

I wish I could say I do this all the time. As it is, I may do it once or twice a day. When I’m anxious, I do it more often. It takes a more effort, but settles me like little else.

Yoga Unity

2012-10-22T21:50:00.002-04:00

It was a gorgeous day yesterday, in the nation’s capital. I was lucky enough to be in front of the Lincoln Memorial, doing yoga in the sun.

DC can be an intense place to be before an election. Yoga Votes sponsored a two hour program in the spirit of unifying us all as people, regardless of political affiliation. I’m not overly politically minded, but I can definitely get behind universal solidarity.

There were five teachers from local studios that guided our practice, each with their own unique style. But they kept bringing us back to the same message of unity. Honoring our back body for what came before us. Our heart for what stood ahead of us. And our side body that joined us to one another in the lateral plane. To emphasize this, we joined hands. I took my friend’s hand in my left and looked to my right and found a five-year-old boy looking up at me. He smiled up at me, gave me his hand and as we raised our joined hands skyward, my heart broke open.

We Can

2012-10-17T20:28:00.000-04:00

I heard this song in yoga, tonight. It spoke to me on several levels and I wanted to share. Namaste.

We Can by Jesse Ruben

A lot of people doubted me
They laughed in my face
Said there ain't no way
I would finish that race
But I kept my head down
And laced up my shoes

I ran a marathon,
When no on thought I could
I didn't always want to
But I said that I would
Then I learned alot about what I can do

It doesn't matter if they don't believe
It doesn't matter if they do not understand
Cause every dream that Im trying to achieve
I can, I can, I can
I can, I can, I can

So make a list and do not make it brief
Write down every single wish
and every little thing that you want
Don't sell yourself short
Don't ever hesitate if people turn you down
Do not settle, do not wait, don't ever turn around
Cause you're almost there, I swear
I swear it's yours

And all that matters is that there's no regrets
It doesn't matter if they do not understand
Cause everything you want you haven't gotten yet
You can, you can, you can
You can, you can, you can

Right now on this planet there are things that we can fix
There are people going hungry, alot of them are kids
And it's so unfair
They're scared and all alone
Wars are being fought over land and over God
And we need a different plan,
Cause I think that we've forgot
That we're all the same
We're just love and blood and bones

It doesn't matter if they think we're wrong
It doesn't matter if they do not understand
Cause every obstacle we need to overcome.
We can, we can, we can
We can, we can, we can
We can, we can, we can
We can, we can, we can
We can, we can, we can.

Such a Drag

2012-10-16T22:14:00.002-04:00

There is something in the air. It’s called fatigue. Today I was dead tired. Moving seemed to take Herculean effort and my bed sang its siren song all day. I wondered what was wrong with me. I slept ok last night. I am (resignedly) on thyroid medication that should be working. I didn’t feel sick. I wasn’t sad. So what was wrong? It worried at me all day. I changed my mind half a dozen times about whether or not I should go to pole. I got tired even thinking about it, so how could I go? I even sat in the parking lot wondering if I should go in. I went in.

Guess what? Everyone was tired. Then it came back to me. For the past week, I’ve heard my friends and neighbors tell me how tired they were. Some of them are sick. Some of them are cranky. Some of them just want a nap. Whether it’s the sky darkening earlier or the newly chilled air, people around me have been dragging. It wasn’t just me. It was practically normal to feel this way. Suddenly, my mood lightened and I found a reserve of energy within me to get through class. I may not have been in superstar form and sat around a lot more than usual, but I was there and I didn’t break.

I realized driving home how much energy my worry took. Had I accepted the way I felt and not barraged myself with endless questions, I probably wouldn’t have been nearly so tired. It was also further proof that sometimes, it pays to show up for whatever is present with no expectations. More often than not, I’m pleasantly surprised.

Inner Brat

2012-10-14T21:58:00.000-04:00

I didn’t sleep Friday night which makes getting up for yoga on Saturday quite…interesting. Sometimes, I’m so tired that my brain shuts off and I have a great practice. Other times, it’s a challenge. This Saturday, it was the latter.

I mentioned that I have a vicious inner critic I call my Wicked Stepmother. I also have a bratty child and she was in full force in yoga. Plank push-ups? “NO way!” she stamped her foot. Balance postures?“Nuh uh” she shook her head violently. The whole class went on like this. She with her arms crossed and a great big scowl on her face. Nothing could cheer her up. I lay in Savasana exhausted from the effort and from dealing with her for the past hour and a half. Was it worth even getting up? I wondered. It wasn’t until I was home, taking a hot blissful shower that the response came. “Yes. At least you showed up.”

I may have had a hard practice, but I felt gratitude. Gratitude to myself for honoring my commitment and taking care of myself. So what if I fell over in Warrior III and exchanged my usual Wheel for Bridge? I went. I shared space with lovely people. I learned a little more about myself and my process. And now I could tuck my cranky inner child into bed for a well-deserved nap.

Pole Progression

2012-10-09T23:29:00.002-04:00

It felt good to get back on the pole, tonight. We didn’t have class last week and I didn’t realize how much I missed it. Tonight, our class was full and there was an interesting mix. Ladies who were new to Intermediate, some who were seasoned and one who definitely should be in Advanced. I love classes like this. I feel we all learn from and get inspired by each other as much as the instructor.

Tonight we were working through some rather frustrating progressions -- Caterpillar and Shoulder Mounts. We were discussing ab strength when one of the girls laughed and said, “Yeah, something I don’t have.” I pointed out that she couldn’t have gotten this far if she didn’t have a great deal of abdominal strength. Maybe not enough for what we were doing, but she obviously had a lot if she was pulling up into inversions.

This was easy for me to point out to her because it’s something I think a lot about. There are times when I get discouraged because I can’t do this pose in yoga or that trick in pole. But if I look back on my progression over even the past six months, I can see so much growth. I’ve been fairly consistent and I keep trying. Some things come easily, some things not so much. But I’m working on it. This is what is true. And this is what I remind myself when I feel like nothing is working.

We are on a journey and as far as we go, as good as we get, there will always be the next thing. This is what keeps life interesting.

Like Water for Yoga

2012-10-08T23:17:00.000-04:00

It was a cold, rainy day today, I hadn’t slept much the night before and I was in a particularly negative head space. So when my friend suggested a gentle yoga class with one of my favorite teachers, it seemed just the thing. There is something about sharing yoga space with people I care about that nourishes me like seldom else.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not usually into gentle yoga. But today, I came to truly appreciate it. Tonight’s practice was water. Not like forceful like ocean waves or languid like a lake. But like a brook, water running over stones smoothed over time.

I brought my focus to the beauty of yoga. The gracefulness of postures. As we moved in and out of our asanas, I sought creativity and expression. Suddenly, I was a dancer, moving to the music of my spirit. And in dancing, I became in tune with my body in a different way. Rather than exerting myself both mentally and physically into the options given to us, they came to me fluidly, without forethought. Rather than critique and correct my form, I allowed my body to do what it felt was right. What movement it would enjoy. What was authentic in that moment.

By the end of the 90 minutes, I lay replete and cleansed in Savasana. My negative head space had transformed into a full-body feeling of gratitude. The true beauty of yoga.

Grilling the Veg

2012-10-04T22:57:00.002-04:00

I wanted to give a little love today to one of my favorite kitchen tools, my cast iron grill pan (and accompanying grill press). Most people use grill pans to cook meat. But I’m a pescatarian (i.e. I’m vegetarian except for the occasional seafood indulgence). Instead, I use my grill pan to cook an array of vegetables.

The method is simple:

Spray or wipe my grill pan with cooking oil
Cut the desired vegetables into approximately 1’’ thick pieces, depending on the type of vegetable. For example, green beans can be used as-is.
Set grill pan on medium high heat
While pan warms, microwave vegetables for a minute to give them a head start on cooking NOTE: This isn’t necessary, but I’m an impatient cook
Lay the vegetables on the heated grill pan. They make a satisfying sizzle and set the grill press on top of the vegetables.
Sit on your hands for five or so minutes then flip the veggies and set the press back
Wait another five and remove vegetables from grill
Dress with sea salt, balsamic vinegar and a little olive oil

Make sure to use proper care when cleaning the grill pan. Like all cast iron, you’ll want to properly season the pan before using or buy a pre-seasoned one. To clean, you simply rinse and scrub without any dishwashing soap. I usually do this quickly and set back on a warm burner to dry. When the pan is dry and still warm, I will wipe it with oil to keep it seasoned.

This past summer, I had fun with zucchini and summer squash, but as fall sets in, I’m experimenting with new vegetables like eggplant and fennel. For an unusual but delicious option, grill whole hearts of romaine lettuce then sprinkle with a little parmesan cheese. Enjoy!

Pain Appreciation

2012-10-03T22:18:00.002-04:00

As we moved through our asanas today, we were encouraged to focus on what felt good about each pose. For me, this didn’t always mean what was most pleasurable. Some poses caused various parts of my body to burn like fire but rather than trying to escape, I breathed into it, facing it and feeling it fully. And with my attention focused on the feeling, I felt it morph and change. My very acceptance brought appreciation and often a softening of a tense muscle.

At present, I’m going through a time off loss. Two of my very good friends, friends I associate with my life here in DC are moving away within the next few months. One to New Orleans, the other to India. Another of my friends has met a man she thinks might be The One and if he is, she’ll be moving to Boston. A childhood friend who I haven’t seen since I was 13 was staying with my family this week but will be going back overseas shortly and I’m not sure when I’ll see him again. All of this has made me feel sad. And the sadness is ok. But I realized that in this pain, there was also sweetness. And if I brought attention to it and sat with feeling of loss I’d be left with how much these people mean to me. How much I care them and how great my life is to have them in it. The depth of my sadness was equal to the depth of my love for them. While life may not be all pleasure, I can find the lesson in the discomfort.

Savory Oatmeal

2012-10-01T22:37:00.002-04:00

I love oatmeal. I have it every morning and sometimes throughout the day. Most people think of oatmeal as a sweet, but I like mine savory and spicy. I’ve been asked so many times to explain this, so I thought I’d post a loose recipe of sorts. This is very simple, healthy and a great way to start off your day. I’m leaving out measurements because that’s not how I cook and everyone is different in their tastes.

Ingredients

· Old-fashioned oats

· Cumin seeds

· Mustard seeds

· Ground coriander

· Ground cumin

· Ground turmeric

· Chili powder

· Freshly grated ginger (or ground ginger)

1. Warm a pot over medium heat. Put cumin and mustards seeds in pot and cover. The mustard seeds will pop when hot.

2. When the popping has stopped, uncover the pan and add oats and ground spices.

3. Dry roast the oats until they are slightly brown and give off a toasty smell.

4. Add water to cover and toss in the freshly ground ginger, if using.

5. Cook until the oats reach the desired consistency.

NOTE: Old-fashioned oats take longer to cook than quick oats. I often cover with ample water and allow them to simmer for up to 30 minutes for a creamier dish.

Happy Hayride

2012-09-30T23:07:00.000-04:00

My cheeks hurt.

My friends and I signed up to go on a hayride and campfire outing at a farm, this evening. I was driving and sent out a note to meet at the metro station at 5:25. One of the three misread the email and called me at 5:15 to ask where I was. Just as I got there to pick her up on time, we got a text from another one saying she was running late. In fact, she was still at home. The third called to tell us she had forgotten something and was on her way back to her apartment to pick it up. We were going to miss the boat…er…hayride. Also, it looked like it was going to rain.

What ensued involved some crazy coordination, picking people up on corners, speeding down back streets and refreshing the event page to make sure it wasn’t canceled due to inclement weather, even as we were racing against the clock. Somehow we made it there just before the hayride and the other 30 people we were going with left. It was raining, but with jackets and umbrellas, this was still happening.

They hayride bumped along around the farm and we were occasionally greeted by Halloween decorations or gussied up scarecrows. The rain continued off and on while we idly chatted. By the time we got back, we were half soaked from the drizzle and chilled. The campfire was a welcome site. There were hot dogs and s’mores and wine. We intermittently huddled under umbrellas around the campfire and the small tent where the food was.

Ok, so it wasn’t the best night to have this event that we barely made. And I can think of so many reasons why we’d feel grumpy or want to leave or not go at all. But here’s the thing. No one complained. Everyone was chatty and happy to be there, despite the circumstances. We ate, we drank, we took crazy pictures. There were lots of jokes about wieners and buns on sticks (there’s something about a campfire that brings out the inner twelve year old) and marveling at the colors of the darkened night sky. Most of all there was laughter. We laughed about our crazy car antics, about not getting there on time, about the rain and wet hay, about the heat of the fire and at each other.

Tonight reminds me that attitude accounts for so much of our experiences in life. We can think ourselves miserable or we can accept what is and go forward, anyway.

Invert

2012-09-29T18:08:00.003-04:00

I didn’t sleep last night at all and I spent the early hours this morning puttering around my apartment like a zombie. It took a lot of determination (and caffeine) to get me to yoga. Practice was surprisingly ok. But it wasn’t until we did headstands that it got truly zen. I love being upside down. For someone who has trouble standing on one foot, I can balance fairly easily on the top of my head. And the pressure of the ground on the top of my oh-so-tired head felt remarkably lovely, this morning.

They say that inversions positively influence all the systems in your body. You heart works a little less to get oxygenated blood to your brain. Glands are stimulated and fluid accumulation drains from your legs and feet. They say that minutes spent upside down equates to hours of sleep. But somehow inversions are more than this for me. It literally changes my perspective and in doing so helps me get past mental and emotional blocks. Maybe it has to do with stimulating my chakras, but I find the mind chatter quiet down and a certain undefinable me-ness emanate. Like coming home to myself.

I found such a sense of peace in headstand this morning that I seriously considered just staying there for the rest of class. My sleep-deprived brain had this crazy thought that there would be far less violence and chaos in this world if we spent more time on our heads. Even now, post-nap, I’m not sure I’m wrong.

TGIF

2012-09-28T22:40:00.002-04:00

I’m a fairly active person. While I don’t go crazy with it, I tend to have some sort of physical activity on most days of the week. But on Friday, I rest. I take a break from the gym and wake up a little later in the morning. I leave work a little early and do something social or just relax. And while I truly enjoy yoga, swimming, pole and even working out at the gym, there is something to be said for not exerting myself at all. Because Fridays are like dessert. As great as your meal might be, it’s that sweet little something at the end that leaves you smiling with satisfaction.

Dream Me

2012-09-27T22:25:00.000-04:00

I had a dream last night that I was getting ready for a show of sorts. I was assuming a costume, dressing as someone else. People handed me clothes that were a style I’d never choose and put them on. I obliged them and they told me how wonderful I looked and didn’t I think so, too? I smiled and said yes. They helped me to curl my hair and took sections of it in their hands to color in shades of pink and red. I would look just like her, they told me. I smiled and said yes. Next came the make up. Three shades lighter than my skin tone and thick enough to cover it completely. They powered my face and lined my eyelids and rouged my cheeks. As the stained my lips, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Except it was not myself, but a different person entirely. They eyes looking at me held something familiar, but the rest was unrecognizable. Beautiful, they told me. I smiled and said yes.

I went on stage, sat in a chair and the lights dimmed. The music started and I realized they expected me to sing. But I could not sing. Though those who looked on believed me to be this someone else, my voice was not trained as hers was. What was inside was not what they were expecting and as soon as I opened my mouth they would know.

I ran off stage, Ran to the bathroom, dry heaving. My hands were frantic as they searched for the sink, turning on the water and splashing water into my face. Desperately, I scrubbed away the make up, watching the colors swirl down the sink. I brushed out my hair and tore off the finery in which I was dressed.

I walked back on stage then. My hair a mess, my face bare and dressed only in a slip. I looked out to the audience, daring them to comment, to yell, to hurl insults, to walk out. I was not who they wanted, who they asked to see. I opened my mouth. Not to sing, but to speak. To tell them of who I was, my humble story, and what I had to offer. I was quiet at first, but as I spoke my voice grew louder until I was shouting. I moved across the stage, gesticulating with my entire body to emphasize each point, dancing as I felt compelled to. This was me. All of me. Like me or not, but I was real. And I was enough. More than enough. I was essence. I was truth.

The Other Leg

2012-09-26T21:16:00.002-04:00

I love yoga for its consideration of the whole body. I tend to favor concentrating on “working” one body part at a time. Stretching my hamstrings or strengthening my core. Yoga challenges me to broaden my scope and be mindful of the holistic view.

This came to mind today when doing Half Moon (Ardha Chandrasana). The tendency is to focus on the standing foot and hand which are on the floor and helping you to balance. Such is the concentration on these two points of contact that you can look around the room and see many with the other foot sagging limply and the opposing arm wavering at half-mast. But in the true expression of this pose, both feet are engaged, both arms are charged.

I tend to be quite flexible in my back and one would think that backbends are easy for me. Yet my teacher is constantly correcting me to tighten my core and pull in my lower ribs. This makes Wheel (Urdhva Dhanurasana) quite challenging in a completely different way. I’ve often grumbled that one of my instructors makes a simple Crescent Moon (Anjaneyasana) rather agonizing. It’s not enough to bend the front knee, but there are the squared hips, rooted tailbone, shoulders and core to consider. And let’s not forget that back leg.

Time Well Spent

2012-09-25T22:09:00.002-04:00

So the idea of balance continues to come up. Today one of my friends commented that she felt like she’s wasted several years of her life because she’s not in a relationship. I pointed out that in those past several years she’s completely changed careers. She quit her job in advertising to get trained as a yoga instructor. She has built up her credentials and is not only teaching kids yoga but is goes around the country training other instructors how to teach specialized yoga classes. She also suffered a major and complicated illness which took a long time to properly diagnose and which she eventually had to have surgery for. Her life hasn’t been idle.

But, I know what she means.

We only have so much time in our lives. I, for one, tend to get excessive in some areas of my life and leave other areas neglected altogether until the scream for attention. I’ll lose myself in work completely until I am having dreams of about my coworkers turning into vampires. I’ll sign up for multiple online dating sites and have to keep a spreadsheet to get names and details right. Or I’ll huddle down in my Bat Cave until friends start calling me Snuffleupagas. It’s a problem.

Right now I’m filling my calendar with too much. I’m going to fitness classes, taking Tamil

lessons and going out with friends. All of these are great. Except, I have no “free” time. For example, today a guy I met a couple of weeks ago discussed getting together, last week. But I literally didn’t have a single free night until maybe the second week in October, if something falls through. You could get some doctor’s appointments easier than a date with me.

Here’s the problem. I am not leaving room for new opportunities to enter my life. It takes more energy for me to meet new people than hanging out with those I care for. I haven’t been giving to myself and spending enough time restoring my energy to do this. Nor have I truly been connecting with people when I spend time with them because I have little to give. And then I wonder why I’ve been feeling so lonely.

So, maybe the whole feng shui/if-you-build-it-they-will-come approach is needed. Leaving gaps in my schedule for new opportunities. Or some much needed quality Me Time.

Ten Minutes

2012-09-24T22:36:00.000-04:00

I do my cardio at the gym. It’s not exciting or sexy, but it gets the job done. It’s not a long workout but I do it most days and have done for years. If I’m honest, I’d feel weird if I didn’t do it. Despite all of this, I dread doing it.

Here’s the thing about the dread. It’s all mental. My body can handle it, but my mind insists on worrying over it like an animal licking a wound. It sits heavy on my mind like a weight until I actually get on a machine and start. And the first ten minutes are the hardest because I’m still carrying that weight with me. I think about how my muscles are tired today or how I just can do the intensity I did yesterday or how I just want to be home in bed. From all the whining and complaining, you would think I had never worked out in my life and in tremendous physical agony. Sadly, I think that a part of me does believe I am.

Around the ten minute mark, my mind realizes I’m not getting off the machine and there is nothing to be had by yammering on. When my mind shuts up, my body can be heard and more often than not, she’s doing just fine.

Think less. Do more.

Back on the Bike

2012-09-23T21:19:00.002-04:00

Keeping in the spirit of finding balance, I rode my bike today.

I haven’t really ridden a bike since I was a pre-teen. In those days, I used to ride everywhere and loved it. Some of my happiest childhood memories were flying down sidewalks in Miami on the way to the lake when I was ten or bumping along the streets of Cairo to get to my friend’s house at twelve. But I never got a bike when we moved back to the D.C. area the following year and didn’t really live in a bike-friendly city as an adult until I moved back to Maryland five years ago. Even then, it took me until this summer to get a bike.

I got a bike in June with the anticipation of riding it everywhere. To yoga, to dance, to the store. So I bought it online and when it came, I put it together excitedly. And then I locked it up. I wasn’t ready to ride it yet. I needed accessories. Like a helmet. And a bike rack. And a basket. I bought these things and took my bike out for a spin. But it had a flat tire. I locked it back up until I had time to go fill the tire. This took a week or so. I went to the gas station, filled it and soon realized that it wasn’t just flat but had a hole in the tire. I contacted the store, they had to send me a replacement and then I had to go to a bike store to get it fixed. That took a couple of weeks. I would have ridden it after all of this, but it was too hot. Then it rained. Then I got busy.

I realized in this time that I needed to practice riding a bit before crossing major roads to get to yoga or the store. Also, I never planned properly to leave enough time to actually bike, not drive, to wherever I needed to go. I worried over details about what route to take and if there would be a place to lock up my bike. A myriad of obstacles and objections weighed on my mind. It began to seem such a hassle to go anywhere with my bike and I never had time to just take it out for a practice ride.

So like this, weeks kept passing and soon my toy wasn’t so shiny in my mind anymore and, well, I sort of forgot about it most of the time and when I did remember, it was an inappropriate time to make use of the remembering.

That brings us to today. The weather was gorgeous. The sort of day that makes you feel guilty for every minute spent indoors (and if there is guilt to be felt, I will feel it). I had a couple of hours to kill before I had to get ready for a birthday party and I needed to get a gift from the bookstore was a mile away. “Why don’t I bike,” I thought. My mind started to craft a slew of objections but I stopped it before they got anywhere. I was going. And I went.

can’t tell you how freeing it felt to be back on a bike, in the sunshine after all these years. I did note that for all my exercising the biking muscles in my legs aren’t as well equipped as they ought to be, but the wonders it did for my psyche was amazing. I felt like a kid again. I had to suppress the urge to take off my helmet and feel the wind whip through my hair like it did in my carefree childhood when protective gear seemed a ridiculous notion. I was free and the world so accessible. It was like I was experiencing the same roads I walk and drive down, anew. Seeing it from a new perspective. Finding different routes to suit my dual wheels. Rather than thinking of the shortest route with the least traffic lights, I had to consider hills and oncoming traffic. I realized with sheer delight I could cut through parking lots and take back ways to get to my destination. I felt like I was in on the secret shared by all my fellow bikers. I wondered why I had waited this long.

I’m sure that by the time I put my bike away for the winter the blush will fade and the biking will become more routine. But for today, I was thirteen going on thirty…well, thirty-something.

Striking Balance

2012-09-22T15:41:00.002-04:00

“We’ll be doing some work on balance today,” Mr. Yoga Teacher said, this morning. Words that always strike a level of anxiety in me. Balance is not my strong suite and I’m not that good with falling over. Something I do frequently with balance postures. I’ve learned to laugh at myself and to somewhat let go of the need to “get it right”, but I still find the emotional aspect of balancing almost as taxing as the physical.

I have a perfectionist mindset (I can’t say I’m a perfectionist because rarely anything I do is perfect. Oh, the irony). I used to think that if I just was still enough, I’d be able to achieve balance. But the truth is, in stillness there is movement and this movement is critical to achieving balance. Think of riding a bike. If you try to perch on your seat and work adamantly to go in a perfectly straight line, you just won’t be able to do it. That’s not what riding a bike is all about. It’s all the constant adjustments you make as you pedal that keep your course more or less in a straight direction. The key is more or less.

I’m wired to think in terms of black and white but am trying hard to learn all the shades of gray. Here is what I’m learning: Balance isn’t something you “achieve” and there is no such thing as perfect balance. Sometimes we exert ourselves too strenuously. Sometimes we sit on the couch too long. But if we look at our lives more holistically, we are more inclined to see the balance in our actions. Seeing it from this bird’s eye view also helps us to not get discouraged and give up when we veer off course. Instead of throwing in the towel when we eat too much one day, we are able to see that if we listen to our bodies and eat more sensibly the next, it will eventually even out. We don’t get so caught up in the straight line that we live in fear of stepping off it. Knowing that it is the collection of moments in our progression around that line that is the true meaning of balance. More importantly, by adjusting, wobbling and even falling, we are learning and growing.

And that sometimes, toppling over and landing on your butt can be fun.

Friday Alone

2012-09-21T22:05:00.002-04:00

It’s Friday night and I have no plans. For the first night in over a week, I don’t have a thing to do.

I’m sure I could have made plans, but I have a busy weekend and thought it might be nice to have a night to myself. Even so, I was doubting my decision, earlier today. In my mind’s eye, I saw myself sitting sad and lonely on my couch. Sometimes, in my imagination I was rocking back and forth, sometimes I was staring blankly ahead at the wall. In all circumstances, my brow was furrowed, my shoulders slumped, mouth downturned and the word “pathetic” practically tattooed on my forehead.

I should say here that this is absolutely NOT what I think of anyone who stays home on a Friday night (I actually think it’s a completely normal and comfortable thing to do). It IS what I thought I’d feel like. And while I’ve never spent a Friday night staring at the wall, I have spent many feeling rather lonely and small. And I assumed that I’d spend this Friday kicking myself for not making plans even though I was as tired as I am.

Only, this evening I decided upon a different track. Instead of accepting the mental scenario I had set out for myself, I questioned my feeling self -- rather than my thinking self -- to see what came up. It went something like this:

Did you really feel lonely?

Yes, I felt a little lonely.

What’s the lonely feeling about?

Well, I felt like others are having fun without me. They are out there having fun and I’m home alone

Ok, maybe they are. Can you accept the feeling of being a little lonely, missing your friends and also knowing that it wasn’t the end of the world?

Yeah, I guess it isn’t the end of the world. I think I can accept a bit of loneliness.

So what is left now that you’ve accepted the loneliness?

Hm…I guess I feel a sort of sleepy and tired.

Well, it’s a good thing you stayed in tonight, huh? Sounds like you could use the rest.

Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.

So what else is there aside from that?

Huh. I feel a bit…I don’t know…liberated. Like I’m free to do anything or nothing at all.

What’s that like?

Pretty good, actually!

There you go. *smug smile*

Often times in my quest to control the future, my mind plots out how things will be. As if it is a certain truth. Then, I got blindly along, fulfilling the prophecy. But we are ever changing creatures. And even if the situation is exactly the same as ones we’ve been in before, there is no certainty that we will be and feel the same in that situation if we are present with ourselves. The truth is, I’m glad I stayed in. And once I gave myself permission to be lonely, I realized everything else was ok. Happy Friday.

Gentle is as Gentle Does

2012-09-20T21:56:00.003-04:00

I went to a Gentle Yoga class today. My studio just started this type of class and this week the classes were free, so I thought I’d go. Now “gentle” is not a word that is ever used to describe me but I figured this class was something I would do to take care of myself after exerting me body heavily earlier in the week. I find it amusing that my sore muscles help me feel justified and less guilty in taking a gentle yoga class rather than the regular. Like I need a reason to be kind to my body or to take it slow for a change.

As it was, and with only a small amount of guilt, I was looking forward a languid yoga practice. I thought I’d come out of it and write about how nice it was to shift gears for a change. How my body thanked me and how my mind was calm and serene like a placid lake. But such was the case.

I’m not sure if the teacher was nervous about having another teacher (who was on a mat next to me) in class, or if she in her spry youth thought she was being gentle by forgoing arm balances, or if she figured gentle meant simply talking in a soft voice. Whatever the case, this flow was not gentle.

A quarter way through class and I was getting annoyed. What was with all these standing sequences? My core was hurting from earlier in the week and I didn’t come to this class to do a series of Boat crunches. I guess others in the class were surprised, as well as many of them spent a third of the class in Child’s Pose. “Couldn’t she see that she needed to lay off a bit?” I thought as I didn’t what seemed to be my millionth Chaturanga. “Dancer? Really?” I grumbled as I tried to keep my balance while extending my leg back. It was only as I took an optional shoulder stand that I realized that I was being the ridiculous one.

The class wasn’t bad at all. It was my expectations of what it should be that were the cause of my disgruntled attitude. It was also my expectations towards (surprise) myself. I had come there hoping someone would tell me it was ok to take it easy. I find it hard not to push myself when the options are given, if I’m physically able to do them. But just as I don’t need an excuse to take a gentle class, I don’t need an excuse to take it easy on myself. Any class I take can be as gentle or as hard as I want it to be. I can learn from my fellow yogis in Child’s Pose. They were listening to their bodies and honoring what was right for them that day.

With Savasana came a new appreciation. So after class, when the studio owner asked how I liked it, I was able to truthfully smile and say “Wonderful.”

Prop Master

2012-09-19T17:03:00.002-04:00

I usually walk into my yoga classes about a minute before they are about to start, after most of the students have already settled in. They lie on their mats, with their blocks, blankets and straps arranged neatly next to them. I find a place to squeeze into and roll out my mat. And sit on it. Our teachers tend to stroll in late, so it’s not that I don’t have time to get props out of the cabinets. I just never do. “I rarely need them,” I think, “so I’ll just make do.” And if the teacher calls for props and I absolutely, positively require one, well then I’ll give in and get one. Otherwise, it’s just one more thing to put back at the end of class. This usually is an ok operating procedure until I’m pissed off in Pigeon and don’t know what to do with myself.

I tend to be a giver in most of my relationships. Friends call me when they have problems, I help them out when they need it, and I like to do little things to let them know I care. I’m a caretaker, but this is comfortable to me. Until it isn’t. Right now, it isn’t. I had four friends who needed a lot of support this past summer. They were going through issues that weren’t of their own devising and the least I could do was be there for them. I really empathized with what they were going through and it felt good to help. Now, thank goodness, they are all on the mend. But in recent weeks, I’ve been avoiding them. I don’t want to hear about another problem. I don’t want to give any more advice on what they should or shouldn’t do. I don’t want to pick them up from the metro station and give them rides. I don’t even want to hear about how much better they are doing. I’m pissed off and I don’t know what to do with myself.

I feel bad for feeling so uncharitable and I know I got myself here. I’m feeling somewhat resentful and taken advantage of, even though rationally, I know rationally I haven’t been. I forgot to take care of myself. I forgot to maintain healthy boundaries. I forgot to account for my own needs and see that they be met. I put myself in a position without props. I allowed them to pull at me, just as gravity does in yoga, thinking I could handle it. And I could. But just because I can technically handle something without it breaking me, doesn’t mean it I should do it. Sometimes, the best thing not only for my immediate well-being, but for my long-term strength and practice, is to bolster myself. To rest or accept external assistance. To realize that even Wonder Woman needs her gadgets to help her fight crime.

Right now, I’m taking the time to focus on me for a bit and spending time with other friends. I’m also trying to not pull back from those friends who were leaning heavily this past summer, but to experiment with leaning on them to help me through.