CLUTCH

pastors, depression and suicide

2009-11-11T06:18:00.000-08:00

Anyone read the article in USA Today a couple of weeks ago? Propelled by a pastor's suicide in North Carolina, the article explores the reasons lead a pastor to feel depressed and that there's no way out. Some interesting notes from the article:

Being a pastor — a high-profile, high-stress job with nearly impossible expectations for success — can send one down the road to depression, according to pastoral counselors.

It's a job that breeds isolation and loneliness — the pastorate's "greatest occupational hazards," said Scoggin, who counsels many Baptist and other ministers. "These suicides are born out of a lack of those social supports that can intervene in times of personal crisis."

"The likelihood is that one out of every four pastors is depressed,.."
Counselors say ... fewer depressed ministers get treated because of career fears, social stigma and spiritual taboo.

"Clergy do not talk about it because it violates their understanding of their faith," said Scoggin. "They believe they are not supposed to have those kinds of thoughts."
Society still places a stigma on mental illness, but Christians make it worse, he said, by "over-spiritualizing" depression and other disorders — dismissing them as a lack of faith or a sign of weakness.

For pastors, treatment can come at a high price. "You are committing career suicide if you have to seek treatment," said Stanford, "particularly if you have to take time off."

What are your thoughts? In what ways are PWs at risk for this occupational hazard? How can we help a PH who is depressed? How do you help a depressed PH without sidelining the ministry forever (or is this even a consideration?)

giveaway: custom initial letter

2009-11-10T07:41:00.000-08:00

Amber, the PW we interviewed yesterday, is giving away one of her custom creations, a metal initial ornament. It includes ribbon to hang on Christmas tree or mantel!

Here's an example (the winner will choose a letter of her choice):

The letter (capital) will be AROUND 5" tall.
Check out the other items in Amber's Etsy shop! She has headbands, necklace pendants, hairbows for kids,... great stuff.

We love promoting the things that other PWs are doing. If you'd like to do a giveaway of something you made, let us know!

To enter the giveaway, leave a comment with your:

Name:
Church name/location:
Name one way that you are not the typical PW:

You have until noon (PST) on Saturday, November 14, to enter. The random winner will be announced soon after.

the interview: amber stoffer

2009-11-09T07:05:00.000-08:00

THE BASICS
Name: Amber, wife to a High School Pastor/ football coach and Mama to my two cuties!
Husband's name: Dan
Family: Jace is 3.5 and Elle is 17 months
How long have you been married? Married 4.5 years

THE INTERVIEW

How did you meet your PH? We met at our last church. We were both on staff and he liked me for a while. Long story short, I turned him down 3 times and then 6 months later God really put him on my heart and as my husband likes to put it, I came "crawling" back to him...lol. Engaged 3 months later, married 9 months following that.

What is your favorite way to partner with your husband in ministry? At our last church I lead a small group of HS girls but we've recently moved across the country and so currently while I'm getting to know the students, I'm just trying to keep a well-kept home that can be a sanctuary for the hubs when he comes home.

What's the hardest thing about being a PW? Keeping my mouth shut at times... :)

What are some of the perks of being married to a pastor? Knowing things before church members.

In what ways would you still like to grow in your role as a PW? I would like to learn how to be a leader to young women- the type that I have not had in my life as a young woman who is married to someone in the ministry.

What are some techniques or resources you've found that have enriched your quiet time with God? A friend gave me a great little devotional for moms that does a great job at relating day-to-day situations with lessons that we can learn from our Father.

Do you network with other pastor's wives? Yes!! At my last church all of the PWs got together monthly for food and fellowship and for the past 2 years or so I've been a part of an online community of PWs- that has been SO helpful to me!

How do you help your kids deal with the pressures of being pastor's kids? Because right now they are just the YP's kids in a large church, they're not really labeled as such. And they're young. So time will tell... but in our last ministry we had several PKs go through and have been able to keep in touch and learn valuable lessons from them. So I definitely plan on drawing from their experiences in the future.

What are some ways that you manage alone with your kids during church services or other functions when your husband is "on"? Our church pretty much always has childcare or classes for the little ones during services/events. So all I really have to do is get them there looking decent!!
In what ways do you think things are different for our generation of pastor's wives? I really think we're not afraid to reach out to others in our position. We know that we don't have to go through the rough times alone- that there are many many others who can understand what we may be going through. I think that the online community has been hugely beneficial for this!

In what areas of ministry do you feel passionate about? I'm with my husband with a passion for teens and I'm also really developing my own passion for nutrition and wellness. So I'm excited to see where God takes me with that!
What is the most meaningful thing you do to support your husband? This won't seem very original but I think the most meaningful thing any wife can do for her husband is to simply pray for him.

Do you have any PW mentors? Not really, but I have a great group of PW peers that bring many different perspectives and lessons to the table and act as mentors in many ways!

How do you fit the traditional/stereotypical role of a PW? In what ways do you break the mold? I'm not traditional in the slightest! If you would have asked me even 5.5 years ago (I've been married 4.5!!) if this would be my life I would have laughed at you! Even though I'm currently the YPW, my husband has the desire to be SP down the road. And when that time comes I can only pray it's a church that won't expect me to fit into a cookie-cutter mold. I don't play the piano, I don't sing (on stage at least!), I don't like doing office work, etc. I pray for a church at that time that will not just allow but EXPECT and NURTURE my own God-given gifts and talents.

What are you reading? A lot of different things- mostly heavily researching our options for our children's educational path before it's time to decide!

What's playing on your ipod? Taylor Swift- haha, don't judge me- I love her!

How do you like to spend your husband's day off? "Friday-fun-day"! We find fun free stuff to do in our new city as a family. The beach, zoo, aquarium, parks, museums, markets, festivals, you name it!

Quote I like: "I like to blame Katherine Luther, who ran a hospital, brewed beer and cared for people with the plague. She did everything. And a lot of congregations expect that." -Lora Horn

Check out Amber's blog and her Etsy shop. Tomorrow we'll have a giveaway for one of her custom creations.

a legitimate reason...

2009-10-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

... for Sarah to be offline for a little while.

Tristan Alexander Vasile Matthews-Asaftei
arrived on
Monday, October 26, 2009
at 10:49 AM

7 lbs, 12 oz
19 inches long

guest blog: halloween and the PK

2009-10-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

Halloween. Say that word in church and ears perk up; it’s rather funny. While we might not all agree on each ones perspectives; we can agree that it’s a controversial topic in the church world.

With the accessibility of modern research, I will leave the opportunity to Google and search for the history, origins, post-modern and modern fact, myths, info etc… to you and your free time for article length sake.

I will share with you what we do and why and you share with us what you do and why! How about that!

In the Brown Household, we have chosen to NOT celebrate Halloween in the traditional manner of “dress up” and “trick or treating." We have done one of the following things over the last three years:

· Hallelujah Night – equivalent to a fall festival
· Handing out candy (inside plastic 3”x4” jewelry bags) with shipping sized labels inviting people to our church. (label says: You're Invited & give church name, website, slogan)
· Decorating for Christmas (yes this is true) (haha)

Truth be told, my children are young; 3 & 5. They truthfully dress up EVERYDAY. As dramatic play is a big deal for them right now, on any given day, you can find Spiderman, The Hulk, A Police Officer or Fireman in my home. To them Halloween is just another day. They are actually into Buzzlight Year and Woody this year; so I’m sure those costumes will be purchased soon. They have no idea the purpose and history behind Halloween and why all these cool costumes are now only seasonally available. With our ministerial experience in dealing with witchcraft and demonic STUFF…., we opt to not celebrate in the traditional manner.

As for our church members, ministry friends, pastor friends, etc…. the Bible teaches us to work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. There are essentials and non-essentials in our variation in beliefs, interpretation of Scripture, what we teach and live as an example to our flocks. As for raised eyebrows from church members, “raise on” because if I let them dress up and trick or treat, there will be talk. If I do not, there will be talk. I have grown to the point that their approval or disapproval means nothing to me. If my ways please the Lord, I am at peace with that – as that is my ultimate goal. To please my Father, be accountable to HIM for my children’s upbringing, instilment of values etc..

What do you do? How do you explain it to your kiddos?

Veronica Brown is the co-pastor, along with her husband, of Breath of Life Worship Center in Austin, TX. Her blog is a window into their lives -- pastoring, church planting, parenting, life in the motherhood, being married to the pastor/preacher and life in ministry.

are you a blogger? do you twitter?

2009-10-26T06:57:00.000-07:00

Happy Monday, everyone.

As I read other PWs blogs and tweets and see how they share their personal lives with the world, I often wonder what it looks like from the other side of the screen — from the member's perspective. And I wonder how blogging and twittering is helping to change the way member's views of pastor's wives in general and their pastor's wife in particular.

I bet it makes us look like real people and maybe makes us more approachable. I bet sometimes it may have created problems from things that were said...

What experience have you bloggers and twitterers had with members reading your blogs? How has it impacted your relationships with the members?

worship styles

2009-10-23T09:16:00.000-07:00

The cool thing about Clutch is the opportunity to connect with pastors wives from all backgrounds and religious traditions.

We're curious to know what your worship experience is like at your church. So here's a poll of sorts.

Would you classify your church as:
a. liturgical
b. contemporary (praise and worship)
c. gen x/postmodern
d. traditional
e. blended

*I got my categories from pastorfinder.com

What about you? How would you describe your worship style? Is it the same as your church? Do you feel mismatched? How have you adjusted?

Tell us all about it.

cool::roundtables

2009-10-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

Lori Wilhite (see her Clutch interview here), a PW in Las Vegas, does a lot of cool stuff, like host and plan events for the wives on staff at her church, post video conversations for and with pastor's wives. She has an awesome blog that you should check out and add to your feed. She truly is leading and loving it. You can tell.

The most recent cool thing she is doing is a Virtual Roundtable for pastor's wives, where pastor's wives meet in real time online. You can sign up to join a virtual gathering here.I've signed up for the one on October 27. She'll be rolling out more in the near future as well.

In the meantime, check out one of her videos with fellow pastor's wife, Donna.

cool: PW reviewer

2009-10-22T06:44:00.000-07:00

For our last installment of "cool," I wanted to share what a video book review that this PW in Texas did. It's for the book, Desperate Pastor's Wives. Has anyone else read it? Anyone interested in doing book reviews like this (for PW-related books) for Clutch? Let me know!

mark driscoll on supporting the pastor's wife

2009-10-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

Death by Ministry part 10 - Mark Driscoll

Which one of these tips made you say AMEN?

go confess

2009-10-20T04:08:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, I have it on the schedule to tell you all about Lori Wilhite and the cool things she does for PWs... but I can't resist pointing you over to her site today 'cause she has cool poll going on where PWs can confess how they're a *bad* pastor's wife.

It's all in good fun. Go check it out and purge. It's good for the soul.

PMS: the trapped pastor's wife

2009-10-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

Kellee is a fellow pastor's wife that you know casually from Seminary. You run into each other at the mall and she takes you aside and unloads on you. Her husband has cheated on her with a church member. He's unrepentant. Says he's stopped. Wants her to get over it and quit being so angry. He's agreed to go to counseling, but has no time right now. She doesn't know what to do. Doesn't want to leave him. Isn't confident she can make it on her own with her 4 small children. She doesn't want to out him to the church. It will leave her relationship in shambles and the family with no income.

How can you help?

cool::transparency

2009-10-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

Continuing our Thursday series on cool things PWs are doing...
You might remember Cindy Beall from a profile we did on her here. She's an awesome woman who is totally transparent about the struggles dealing with infidelity and pornography that she's had in her marriage. Recently, she and her husband did a series of videos addressing this issue and how couples can move beyond it to wholeness. Check them out.

PMS: the flirty pastor's wife

2009-10-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

You and Beverly have been friends since high school and low and behold, you're both pastor's wives! You feel blessed that you have someone around that you can relate to and your husbands are even friends! She invites your family over for a casual BBQ at their home and you notice that that Beverly is extremely friendly with another man. A couple of days later, you inquire about who this guy is and she shares that he's a church member who has become a close family friend. She mentions how he's helping her get back in shape and train for a triathlon. The man is a friend of her family and he's been so kind. He's even lent the couple money when they were in a tight spot, helped them find an affordable car and was even so kind as to help her find a job at his law firm. She goes on and on about how he just "gets her." You're worried that your PW friend is treading in dangerous waters.

Do you confront her? What do you say?

PMS: the jailed pastor's wife

2009-10-13T09:00:00.000-07:00

For the past six months, every 2nd Tuesday of the month, you and Marlene (a local PW) have been going to lunch. You're just getting to the point where you are sharing personal stories and really beginning to trust each other. Then one day, as you're having your morning coffee, you hear Marlene's name on the news. You look up, and there's her photo on the screen. She's shot and killed her PH (this is not outlandish, ladies. It happens). Marlene is now in the county jail. Her children are with family. You're her friend.

How will you show Marlene that you're still her friend, despite the trouble she's in? What will you tell her during your first visit to see her in jail? How will you be a support to her family? Will you raise funds for her defense?

Or be honest, really. Will you just disappear from her life and act like you never knew her (except when you tell the juicy story to friends)?

PMS: the reluctant pastor's wife

2009-10-12T07:00:00.000-07:00

This is Erika, a driven and successful career-woman, married to a pastor. She's the embodiment of the reluctant pastor's wife. She loves her husband, but can't stand his job. She's stopped going to church with him because she can't stand all the ridicule from the members. Even the older minister's wives on staff chastise her (like a child) for the way she dresses and the things she's unwilling volunteer for at church. She's fed up.

Erika is your friend. What advice do you give to her? How do you encourage her?

*These scenarios are fictitious. Any resemblance to real-life events is coincidental.

PMS week: being there for other PWs

2009-10-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

PMS is one week late (does that mean we're pregnant!?), but it's here. This week we will ask you for lots of input. Each day (except Thursday when we take a break for our "cool" feature) we'll ask you a question about what you would do to help a fellow PW who finds herself in a tough spot. We're looking forward to sharing in your wisdom.

SoCal meet-up

2009-10-10T13:37:00.000-07:00

Any PWs in the Los Angeles area? I'd love to organize a meet-up with you the first week of November. Let's get together and chat over a cup of hot chocolate one of these days. Leave a message or email me at mcpryce AT gmail DOT com.

Looking forward to it!

cool::trekking to India

2009-10-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

Continuing our Thursday series on cool things PWs are doing...

Michelle Wegner, a PW in Granger, IN, trekked to India this summer to, among other things, to teach other pastoral families about a healthy, balanced family life. Not only that, she blogged and twittered her entire trip! Here's a piece she wrote for Clutch about what they did and what they learned. Cool!

::::::

My husband is part Indian, even though he’s really of German descent. When he’s in India, he blends in the culture like he was made to be there. He loves the food, relates incredibly well to the Indian pastors he works with, and thinks and feels like a Tamil man. He is a passionate, emotive, free-thinking entrepreneur. His love for Jesus is so obvious as the pastors and church planters we work with there.

There is one difference between my husband, a pastor, and his counterparts in India-The way he treats his family. The pastors are amazing pastors. They love Jesus, love their churches, love their children, love their wives, and mostly in that order.

So what did we do about it? We set out on the bravest venture of our lives as a family. We packed up and headed to Southern India for the entire month of June. We were a part of the first Family Life Conference in Southern India. We are by no means a perfect family, but there are things we have learned in 17 years of ministry and family life that have been valuable in maintaining our lives in a peaceful and functioning way. We were invited to host this conference by our on-site staff member D. Rajendran and his family.

Our experience in Southern India is an epic saga, with so many twists and turns we could fill a whole book with the details. I’ll just share about our week with the pastors and their families at the Family Life Conference.

Amazingly, the week we spent with these families was the first time the wives of the pastors were able to voice their hurt in a heart-felt way, and in a safe environment. The pastors were shocked, angered, and outraged at first. Then they slowly began to realize it was true. They wept. Then they laughed for joy at themselves for being so blind to this issue. Then they wept some more.

The wives were challenged by their husbands as well. The men did not feel respected by them. They spoke of the women having a casual relationship with Jesus, not a passionate one. The women repented. It was amazing.

Mukum Yellem Paul!

In Tamil that means, "Your face is full of teeth!" In other words, "That's the biggest smile I've ever seen!" It's the Tamil way of saying, "You look so happy that you’re going to burst!"

Pretty much, that sums up our Family Life Conference.

A major component of the FLC was not only teaching about healthy family life, but providing space to experience it.

Virtually every one of these pastors admitted they have never taken a day off with their family. If they did, they wouldn't know what to do.

Virtually every one of these pastors admitted they have never spent an evening alone with their wife. If they did, they wouldn't know what a "date" looked like.

We showed them what romance looks like. Rob and Rajendran modeled for the pastors what an engaged, loving husband and father does with his wife and kids during a Sabbath day.

Each day we provided a few hours in the afternoon where we modeled a day off for the families, enjoying nature, playing together, talking, laughing, and just plain relaxing.

One afternoon, we took them to the local lake and nature preserve. We ended up having the World Championship Paddle Boat Context: US vs. India!

Rob provided navigation and the girls were the horsepower. The girls have a competitive streak (I wonder where they got that from?)

The girls and I brought some crafts along to do with the children while the pastors and their wives were doing some serious soul-searching, repentance, and talking together. I could have never imagined that these crafts would be some of the coolest activities these kids had ever done. Who knew? The activities we provided drew the creativity out of the kids, broke down barriers, and created real community.

We started all the sessions with the entire family involved. In other words, worship is as an aerobic exercise. We played games and danced like fools.

The "touch the tongue to your nose" game was a big hit. Our girls showed off their mad skills. Many of the people were convinced this was a uniquely American skill, until Abuwanin stepped out of the crowd.

If you're wondering if "having fun" can have an impact for Christ, listen to this observation one of the pastors made at the end of day two,

In India, as husband and wives, we won't reveal our love to their children. We won't hug, touch, or speak words of love in front of the children. These things are consider private. However, we will have arguments in front of them. We must go against our culture in this. Why would we show our anger, but not our love? If we don't come together to express our love as husband and wife before our children, how will they know the security that only comes in know that Mom and Dad are One in Love? We must change our culture for Christ.

When he said that, my face was full of teeth. MUKUM YELLEM PAUL!

The rest of our time together was super-charged with love and life. I never feel the presence of Jesus as strong as when I am with a group of men and women committed to each other and passionate about Jesus such as these amazing men, women and children from Tamil Nadu. God moved in their hearts and lives in such a powerful way during our time with these pastors and their families, that I am certain Tamil Nadu will never be the same.

it's a celebration!

2009-10-07T14:00:00.001-07:00

Sarah has no idea I'm posting this. Swipped her pregnant photo right off her Facebook...
But I thought it would be fun to host a virtual mother blessing for my co-blogger and soon-to-be first-time mommy, Sarah. Tristan Alexander will be born in the next few weeks or days.

Will you join in the virtual celebration?

Let's shower Sarah with lots of encouragement for labor, newborn nights and motherhood in general. Leave a note, prayer or word of advice on raising a fabulous PK.

funny

2009-10-04T13:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you can relate.

clergy appreciation month

2009-10-03T05:58:00.000-07:00

Did you know that October is Clergy Appreciation Month? Does your church know? Just in case they do, we're reserving these comments for you to share how your congregation honored your PH (and hopefully you as well). Tell us!

cool::pastors wives club

2009-10-01T04:00:00.000-07:00

This month, on Thursdays, we'll be featuring cool things that PWs are doing. Here's the first installment.

The Pastor's Wives Club is like The View with pastor's wives on the panel. I'll admit, I'd enjoy this a lot more if the video had subtitles, but it's still well produced and a cool concept. We should do this, American style. Anybody game?

This is the first episode and you can watch the other 3 episodes, here.

private vs. public school

2009-09-30T11:16:00.000-07:00

As pastors' wives we often feel pressure from all sides, our husband's, church members, church boards, etc. about a variety of issues. Have any of you ever felt (or feel) pressure to send your children to a private Christian school vs. public school? Or even to send your kids to a particular private school or preschool (maybe one closely associated with your local church)?

Where do you have your children? How did you make decisions about your children's schooling and was the decision influenced at all by your husband's role as a pastor?

seminary classes for you

2009-09-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

If your husband went to seminary, I don't have to tell you what an unlike-real-life experience seminary is. You are constantly around other couples who are in the same boat as you. Your husbands relate to each other; you can share your ministry life frustrations with other wives. Often times it's a safe place and a cocoon life where you have opportunities to grow spiritually and in gain skills for the real world of being a pastor's wife.

Some seminaries, like Western Seminary (campuses in Portland, San Jose and San Francisco)even have certificate programs for, what they call, Partners in Ministry. Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary also has courses for pastor's wives, including Woman to Woman Ministry, The Art of Teaching, Ministry through the Home and even intro classes to Greek and other Biblical languages.

Did your PH's seminary offer classes and workshops for the wives? Was it helpful for you? Or have you had to learn in the school of hard knocks?