Cool Zebras

Drive

2013-06-03T22:25:00.001-05:00

For some, driving is therapy. In high school and junior college I drove countless miles to nowhere. Usually, a mood provoked the drive. Something happened that upset me or I was just feeling down in general. Something about being behind the wheel worked magic on me. I'd turn the radio (or whatever cassette suited my fancy) up and explore the outskirts of town, sometimes at the wee hours of the morning. It was the night that drew me most often, when most people were tucked into their respective beds, dead to the world. Night has always drawn me. It's the solitude, but it has always needed to be solitude with the illusion of protection. My car was my protection on those drives. The doors locked, windows cracked, and a healthy common sense, I was mostly safe.

This afternoon, I was upset, and for the first time in many years I took to the road for comfort. I had a sleepy dog, a sleepy child and an hour to spare. My route circumvented the city--not nearly the haphazard route of my youth driving adventures, but still just enough time and solitude to put events into perspective. Our pup nodded off immediately, having just been on a long walk. D's head bobbed and weaved until the Sandman took the TKO.

But this time, I had the radio off. The quiet snores from the back seat were music enough to me.

I Miss This Space

2013-05-27T23:02:00.000-05:00

I really loved this space. The writing, the sharing, the reveling in the mutual appreciation of the beauty of my children. Time has gotten in the way of writing. Obligations have gotten in the way of writing. I'm fairly sure there is no one left here to read my writing, but I wish I could still write, if for no one else, than for myself and my kids (to read when they're older).

Ms. D turned ONE WHOLE HAND and says funnier stuff than I ever remember the other two kids saying...and that's saying A LOT because they said some really funny stuff.

M and K are almost 11 and 9, respectively. M is going to middle school next year, a thought that terrifies me. My son is still struggling with his learning disabilities, but he's improved a lot on his reading abilities.

We put our cat down in November and somehow came home with a new puppy two weeks ago, so our "we're going to wait a year after the cat dies before we get another pet" totally went to shit. But, dang, this pup is sweet and cute and the kids are in love. They alternate between being completely helpful and completely blaise about helping. I can admit an 8-week-old puppy is a lot of work. (We got her at 7 weeks)

She's a wonderful addition to our family...and already loved so much. I apologize to her if I call her Chat once in a while. I do still miss my kitty.

Just Trying to Process it all

2013-04-21T22:59:00.002-05:00

Life is getting overwhelming again. So much sadness and anger, combined with prolonged Winter weather do nothing to help the symptoms of living with depression and anxiety.

On the larger scale, my issues are minimal. I lost no one I knew in the murders in Boston. No one I knew lost limbs there. No one I knew lost someone they loved. I am seemingly unaffected, yet I am.I have an eight-year-old son. I can see him in Martin. I can't imagine having to say goodbye to any of my kids. Yet, I saw no joy in hearing the suspects were dead or near-dead. I wish those boys had gotten help before they resorted to violence.

Closer to home, a very good friend of mine lost her father this weekend. My heart breaks for her family. We came close to losing my husband's dad last year and were blessed that he pulled through against the odds. We did lose my husband's brother a little more than a year ago. Our family continues to feel the repercussions of his untimely death.

Another friend is dealing with a son who faces criminal charges because his mentally ill sister made up false allegations against him. Her family has been torn apart and she's such a great person with an even bigger heart.

Then there are the small things, that somehow blow up into bigger things. A comment, made in fun to lighten the mood results in insults and condescension. Hours of planning for a reunion derailed because it doesn't suit one person...who also uses insults and condescension to drag others down.

We all have our share of problems. They are all relative, of course. Even the same "problem" is not felt the same by different people. One person may spread hate, another may spread love and humor.

But honestly, I think this weather may be dragging a lot of people down. I hope the sun comes out soon.

I'm A LOT Less Funny and Interesting in Person

2013-01-03T06:47:00.000-06:00

People that only "know" me online tell me all the time how funny, sweet, fun, and nice I am but that just goes to show you how things online are often deceiving. I'm not a jerk in real life, I don't think, but I'm also not a great conversationalist. Put me in a group and I'll either say nothing at all or I'll interrupt someone else when they're trying to talk because I can't ever seem to get the conversational cues right to know when I can interject. I've also been told that when I do talk, I usually offer something worthwhile.

It's possible these people that tell me that are just blowing smoke up my arse.

I wish I could go to a party or meet friends for a hot chocolate without a thought. When I get an invitation to go somewhere my immediate reaction is to say no. This is part of my temperament, this knee-jerk reaction to say no to every invite. Once I finally think things through and my answer turns toward yes I have another obstacle to overcome. The closer the time to leave for said event arrives, the more my stomach begins to roll. Outwardly, I look fine. My husband and kids will often not know I am freaking out. I push myself. One. Step. At. A. Time. Keys in the ignition. Drive to the place. Deep breaths in the car in the parking lot. More deep breaths.

Entering the building creates a new wave of panic. What if no one showed up? What if I'm meeting no one? How stupid would I look to sit down and wait only to find no one arrives?

I push myself through the door and look around, trying to look normal, trying to look confident. I think it must work most of the time because people often comment they have no idea I have issues.

Often I rely on others to make the conversation. Often I sit awkwardly while others around me converse. I keep trying though.

I'm certain 50% of the people I encounter think I am aloof, or a bitch. If they only knew.

Welcome 2013!

2013-01-02T00:19:00.000-06:00

We continued our tradition of celebrating New Year's Eve with the kids. We always eat appetizers for supper and have party hats, silly string and party poppers for our early countdown. There is always still plenty of time to clean up the confetti and silly string and still play games.

We had a dance party after the countdown, then played Mario Kart on the Wii. The Bigs stayed up until Midnight for the first time this year. D stayed up until 10, which is very late for her!

I can't think of a better way to usher in a new year than being with my family and having fun together. We shared a lot of laughs, made a mess, cleaned it up and shared more laughs.

Here's to hoping 2013 is healthier and happier than 2012.

Christmas Vacation and Stuff Less Funny Than That Movie

2012-12-27T08:28:00.000-06:00

The best thing about Christmas, for me, is that my kids are home for three weeks. They have no school commitments, there is no band practice, there are no scouting events, they have several new toys to play with and keep them occupied, and we have nowhere we REALLY have to be. We can laze in our pajamas all day, enjoying one another and enjoying our Christmas presents. That's what we did yesterday. The TV hardly was on all day, but the Bigs got electronics so there was still plenty of screen time. It was pretty cold outside though, so I didn't feel like I needed to shoo them outdoors to freeze. Give me a few more days when the fighting starts, then I'll shove them out the door.

I keep thinking about the parents who are missing their kids this Christmas. Not just the parents in Newtown, but parents all over. My in-laws, for example. This is the first Christmas since my brother-in-law died. We talked to Craig's parents and they sounded relatively upbeat. I hope it wasn't just an act for the phone call. I'm so thankful to have so many loved ones around me this Christmas.

I always think I didn't buy/make enough for Christmas. This year I didn't feel that quite as much, because I know we did what we could and tried to make our gifts thoughtfully. Sometimes the cost of the gift is less important than how perfect it is for the person. I think I hit that right on in several cases, so I'm happy. Of course, I still wish I could do more.

For my kids' teachers, principal, office manager, nurse and support staff I got small gift cards ($5) but then wrote them each a personal thank you note. The gift cards are inconsequential, but my hope was that the note would mean something to the educators. I wanted to reiterate how much we appreciate everything they do. They are remarkable people and I love the school environment my children are in. I will be sad for M to graduate out at the end of this year.

For Christmas, we got Skylanders Giants for the Wii. I think I might like it even more than the Bigs do. I always was a Spiro the Dragon fan. The game was on sale at Target for $49.99, probably more than I should have spent, but it was $30 off! What a bargain, right?

Craig and I bought each other food, which was obviously not the greatest choice given the size of me lately. It's time I put on my big girl panties on this issue I suspect. Quit hiding behind all my excuses. My dream is to become a runner, though I have never been a great runner. Resolved: I will do my inhalers (for asthma) like I am supposed to do twice daily. I will restart the C25K somehow. Maybe I will have to freeze and run.

Merry Christmas!

2012-12-24T23:51:00.002-06:00

I'm M, K, and D's Mother

2012-12-18T07:40:00.000-06:00

::Blows the dust off::

Life has been busy enough that I haven't been writing here. Not that it wasn't busy when I was writing here regularly, but I've been editing photos and making crafts and participating in craft shows...and watching important television like the Survivor finale and the Gossip Girl series finale.

I'm working on clearing out extra things that we no longer need by listing them for sale on a local Facebook page. Getting some money for the things is making it easier for me to let go of some things, clothes etc, that might be a little harder to release. Most of the kids' outgrown clothes I can still see them in and it's hard for me to let go of those images...yet I know I don't want to be the hoarder lady with 50 cats and bags of feces stacked to the ceiling.

Our cat. I miss her, and then I don't. I'm shocked at both the times that her absence strikes me and then I'm equally shocked at how often I don't notice she's gone. I feel callous that I even typed this information. I will never, ever, forget the moment she was gone though.

So, the Connecticut tragedy. I told my kids what happened. I picked the Bigs up a little early from school on Friday (only 10 minutes early) and when we got in the car I told them what had happened. The truth is, my kids are pretty resilient and the deaths in our own family recently have affected them more than even a tragedy of this magnitude could.

On Monday, I drove my Bigs to school as usual. I wanted to keep them home, but I know that letting fear rule our lives is futile. I got an extra kiss from them and let them go...exactly as it should be.

D, my four-year-old love, noticed the flag at half-staff and asked if someone had died. (I've always talked about why the flag is at half-staff...September 11th, when a police officer was shot and killed, etc. I felt it important they knew the symbolism and respect.) I told her simply, "yes, someone died." She responded, "Why do people keep dying?" I had no answer for her. I wish I knew.

I keep the lines of communication open with my kids. I tell them when bad things happen. I tell them when good things happen. I don't think it's possible to shield our kids from the bad, and perhaps it will make them appreciate the good all the more.

Of course I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing. I'm just doing what I think is right and hoping for the best.

You Shouldn't Have to Say Goodbye

2012-11-19T09:00:00.000-06:00

By the time this is published my cat will be dead. It's not easy to make the decision to end your pet's life. It sucks, and I hate that word, but it does.

She is/was almost 16 and 1/2 years old. For a pet, I know this is a fairly long life. She's been peeing and pooping outside of her litter box for almost a year now. She barfs up her food at least once a week. She yaks hairballs every other day.

I took her to the vet almost a year ago about the elimination outside the litter box. We tried the medication which caused her to have diarrhea. The vet told us to stop it. We bought a new box. We moved the box. We moved her food. We have done everything.

I am writing this in the present tense because she isn't gone yet. I made the appointment today (November 14) and I have cried on and off since.

It's silly, really. I know she's had a great, long life. SIXTEEN and 1/2 years! And for a cat I never wanted (I inherited her from a friend) she's grown on me a lot. I never was particularly fond of cats since I nearly had a cat claw in my eye as a kid. I thought they were stuck-up PITAs.

Chat was different from the start. She had fleas so we had to treat that. She looked pitiful in the bathtub of our college apartment. Then she had ear mites, then she needed to be spayed...then declawed. All of this fell to my roommate, who was her owner.

Then, about 6 months later, circumstances led to me taking Chat as my pet. (Chat means cat in French and is pronounced like "shah.")

Within a few months I had taught Chat to come when she was called, and to sit and then lay down for a treat.When I awoke, (if I was home) she'd be asleep on my chest. If I was not home during the evenings, she'd have pooped on my carpet.

So she's always expressed her distaste if she needed to do so.

At this point, she's ruined multiple carpets and medication hasn't been the answer. We have tried everything I can think of to help her change her bad behaviors but nothing has worked.

I already miss her, and by the time you read this, she will be gone.

I'm Working on Crap (or stuff...that sounds nicer, doesn't it?)

2012-11-15T08:00:00.000-06:00

Well, it's obvious at this point I'm not going to get my BlogHer ads back so my sidebar looks pretty silly...not that it didn't already. Man, I am a sucky blogger. The good thing about my lack of writing here is that it means I've been busy with "real life" or some semblance of that.

I've had a few photo shoots. Not as many as I would like, but I also don't do as much advertising as I probably should. (Mood Photography...search me on Facebook!) I'm still being selfish about my time with family. It's my last year before D heads to Kindergarten. I want to keep my family time while my kids are still kids.

Then I'm decorating trees for a local charity event again this year. I realized last night that I have less than one week to complete the trees, so that's fun. Hi! I'm Heather, Queen of Procrastinators!"

Here's something hilarious! I thought I would try to do NaNoWriMo this year instead of the blog equivalent since I obviously have been wallowing in suckitude on the blog. 50,000 words in one month equals about 1667 words per day. I am not nearly wordy enough to write 1667 words per day. For one thing, I have a journalism background. Concise. It's where it's at. You can still be descriptive without being word-wasteful. Right? Maybe I wallow in suckitude as a novelist as well. I have the grand ideas of the novel in my head, and even some of the smaller plots, but knitting it all together is not coming so easily.

I have other issues, as always. Maybe tomorrow.

xoxo,
Gossip Girl
(Er, I mean, Heather)

Halloween is Never as easy as it should be

2012-11-01T00:30:00.001-05:00

By evening the children were all ready to go begging for candy...but it's never an easy road there. I woke this morning to Ms. D barfing in my bed in Craig's vacated spot. So that was fun. D and I took the Bigs to school while we were still in pajamas, then returned home and back to bed.

Thankfully, D awoke with no more barfs.

M went to school intending to be Katniss from The Hunger Games. We were at PTA Tuesday night later than I thought we'd be so when we got home I had to attempt the Katniss braid. Meh. I did okay for a first try, but I'm no Hollywood hair stylist. Of course when the "character parade" (NOT Halloween parade of course...we are all ostriches with our heads in the sand, right?) came around and she saw the other cool costumes she was not as enthused about the somewhat plain Katniss costume. Plus, most of the kids had no idea who she was supposed to be. So, after school M morphed into a zebra instead. Her face paint looked fabulous. Damn, her mom is gifted.

K Man wanted to be a zombie. In his head all he needed was ripped clothes and green hair. When I told him to take his t-shirt outside and get it dirty he balked. I give him permission to get dirty and he doesn't want to listen. Finally he did it but today he wears the shirt backwards (where he didn't get it dirty and I didn't rip it.) because he loves to drive his mother as crazy as possible. He also refused to wear makeup to make him look more like a zombie. Of course once I finally coaxed him into the makeup I forgot to take a close up photo of just him.

We made it through it all...and now I'm thinking about next year's costumes. Is that normal to think that far ahead?

Questions Kids Don't Really Need to Ask

2012-10-22T07:30:00.000-05:00

My kids are never shy about asking questions. This is both good and bad. Sometimes it's just their timing of the question that makes it awkward. For example, in the middle of your uncle's funeral is not the best time to explain the meaning of a word. Other times it's my own issues that make the question awkward. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable explaining menstruation to my son. Then again, I don't feel comfortable explaining that to D yet since she's only 4. M has asked about it and I've explained as much as she wants to know so far.

Then there are questions that my kids ask that I'm left thinking "Really? You felt you needed to ask about that?"

My son is 8 now and I noticed this summer that he's starting to get a little on the ripe side when it is particularly hot, but I let it go for some reason. Last week, K Man asked if I would buy him deodorant. Um, yeah! And he's excited to use it unlike his older sister who, 3 years after buying her some, still needs reminding to use it. Hey, I'll have at least one kid who doesn't offend the senses.

Here's another question my kids ask: Mom? Can I have some carrots? (or other vegetable) In what universe will a parent say: No! You should have more candy and crap!

This is one of my favorite questions, especially when we are at home. Can I go to the bathroom? Well, I'm quite sure they are capable.

The number one question that children should never feel they need to ask?

Can I go to bed?

How Cheap Are You?

2012-10-17T08:25:00.000-05:00

I watched a television show called Extreme Cheapskates last night. I've heard of people like this and can't even fathom some of what these people are doing. One man only flushes the toilet once a week. Another lady cruises upscale restaurant trash for food. One man has almost no furniture for his family of four, yet he has almost $200,000 in the bank. What good is having all that money if you don't enjoy it? Granted, I wish I had that much in the bank. Some weeks I'd be happy with even $500 in savings.

I'm all for frugality. I hate to spend money on clothes, especially for myself. I want clothes to be as close to free as possible, if not free. I try as much as possible to buy clothes at season ending for the next year. I've gotten several great deals in this way.

Several years ago Toys R Us and Babies R Us were merging so Toys R Us had a great sale where they clearanced out a bunch of things at 90 % off. I scoured the store to find the unlabeled clearance items that the staff hadn't marked yet, as well as the items that had been marked. One of my best deals was a PlayMobil set that was normally $60 I got for $5.99. I also got my son a bike that was originally $60 for $5.99. I got such a high from finding great deals. I still have a few of those items waiting for the right person to give it to for a birthday.

When toys are on clearance I try to buy things that I know my kids or their friends would like and stockpile a few items for birthdays.

But I don't think I'll be cruising trash cans for food to save a buck or two. If we really needed to do that in order to eat I suppose I would. I hope we are never at that point.

Photos Anyone?

2012-10-15T08:34:00.000-05:00

I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to promoting my photography. I should be handing business cards out to everyone I meet. I should be advertising. I should be just doing more. That anxiety comes into play at least in some ways. I'm constantly a critic of myself, thinking why would they want my card? I have had no negative feedback when I've handed out a card. I haven't gained any business as a result either, but you never know.

I've had several return clients so far, so I know that those who have used me are happy with the results. If I could increase my sessions it would be fantastic. If I could learn to put myself out there more I could probably increase sessions. I guess I should just shove a card at people everywhere?

Are We There Yet? and Other Annoying Questions

2012-10-11T08:17:00.000-05:00

If you have ever traveled any long distance with children older than 3 you will, no doubt, have heard a few of these complaints from the rear of your vehicle.

Are we there yet? My standard response: Pretty soon.
It's been "pretty soon." Are we there now? Response: Does it look like we're there?
I'm hungry. Response: You should have eaten your lunch.
The movie is over! Mom! The movie is over! Change it! Response: The movie has been over for one second. CHILL!
I have to pee. Response: Of course you do since there is nowhere to stop for the next ten miles.
I'm hungry! Response: Thanks for letting us know!
Because you're stupid and you buy candy treats to hand out occasionally... (PEZ 15 pack candy...less than $2.) Can we have more PEZ? Response: I just gave you some 10 seconds ago.
I'm thirsty! I have to pee! I'm hungry! Response: Yay! All I see are cornfields!
Are we there yet? Response: Do you see Grammy and Poppa? No? Then I guess we're not there.
Can we have more PEZ? Response: Yay! It's been 5 minutes since I gave you a pack!
We stop to pee.
Back on the road.
Can we have some more PEZ? Response: Shove PEZ toward children.
I'm hungry. Response: Me too. Maybe we should eat one of you kids.
Silence.
Nervous laughter.
**Quietly** Can we watch the movie? Response: PLEASE???? Kids: Please!!!!
**Slowly find new DVD and put in player.**
I don't want to watch that one! Boo! Life is so freaking unfair! Why do you hate me so much? I'm forced to watch a movie while riding in a vehicle instead of just looking out the window! Torture!
**All kids zone out on movie.**
**Arrive home.**
**Turn off movie before the end.** (THE movie no one wanted to watch.)
WHHHHHAAAAT? It wasn't over! I wanted to see it all! I've seen it 4032 times but it's crucial I see the whole thing today!

Travel with children is super fun.

The 5 or more Stages of Grief

2012-10-09T22:16:00.002-05:00

I first learned about the Kubler-Ross Model, or 5 stages of grief, in a high school psychology class. By that time, my maternal grandfather had passed away from prostate cancer a few years earlier and I had experienced grief first-hand. I don't know that I understood the 5 stages theory at the time, but I know that not everyone experiences every stage anyway. Some people may get stuck at the anger stage...others may jump to acceptance for one reason or another. If a death is sudden, we may jump from stage to stage depending on the day.

It's possible to be angry with someone and still love that person. When that person dies and you're still angry with them it creates an extra conundrum in the stages of grief. So we jump. Anger. Denial. Anger. Depression. Denial. Anger. Anger. Anger. I don't know how or when you pass out of this cycle.

So I try to resolve any anger I hold for others. Most of the time it is small things that irritate me...those are easy to let go.

I try to pass along peace and understanding to others as much as I can. I've heard from some people recently that asked me for patience and were worried I wouldn't grant it. How sad is it that someone would be afraid to ask for patience and think it would not be granted?

What do you do to help others and release unnecessary anger?

Then He Started Reading Voluntarily

2012-10-04T21:12:00.000-05:00

Before K Man started Kindergarten, he loved having my husband or I read to him. His favorite book by far was Green Eggs and Ham. There was a time that I pretty much had that book memorized, and you know it is something like 65 pages long...just a few words on each page...but still, sixty-five pages of a children's book. We could never read it just once either. It had to be at least twice.

I will not eat them on a train or in a house or in the rain. Or something like that. These days, getting K Man to read is a lot like being Sam I Am trying to convince him to try green eggs and ham. Since starting Kindergarten four years ago, when he was required to start to learn to read himself, he has become much less fond of reading. He seldom even asked us to read to him.

I probably should have seen the flags right away. It's strange for a child who loves books so much to suddenly recoil at the thought of them. But no, I just thought he was too active to sit long enough for a book. I thought it was normal letter-reversals. I remember asking everyone if it was weird that he still confused b's and d's and 2's and 5's and several other letters and numbers even when he was near the end of 1st grade. Everyone said it was still normal, but something still was tugging at my mind. It didn't seem right. So, we had him tested before the start of second grade.

Now here we sit, a little more than one year later. He is making progress in some areas and not in others. Spelling is still a nightmare. His reading, however, continues to improve.

Last weekend, he received his Bible from our church. (All third graders receive either a children's Bible or a traditional Bible from our church.) I chose the traditional Bible for K Man, even with his reading difficulties. He was proud to receive it, I could tell.

Then he started reading it, voluntarily. I'm not sure if you know this, but the Bible is not exactly easy reading, especially for a kid who has difficulties with reading. I asked him about the book and he told me he read about "this lady who wasn't supposed to eat some fruit but she did..."

A see a glimmer of hope.

Child Rearing Haiku

2012-10-02T19:18:00.000-05:00

Kids think differently.
They think only of themselves.
So do some adults.

Open a wrapper
and just drop it on the floor.
Mom will pick it up.

If you spill something
just whine about it instead
cleaning it up.

You can't find something?
Do not look! Stand in one spot.
Yell for mom to find!

Even if you stink
be sure to resist every
attempt to clean you.

And please act surprised
when your parents ask for you
to shower each day.

Whine for your parents
to buy something at each store.
They really love that.

Do drive your parents
just close to insanity
then do something cute.

Total survival
instincts keep most children safe.
They're lucky they're cute!

I Bet She Felt Pretty

2012-09-30T07:42:00.000-05:00

I love the costumes some people wear to the Renaissance Festival. I want to make M and D costumes like this for next year when we go to the faire. Then they can wear them for Halloween as well. I should probably start making them sooner rather than later. I wonder if my machine still works?

Not Sure Why I Still Live in Minnesota

2012-09-29T07:24:00.000-05:00

I jest, actually. I know exactly why I live in Minnesota, but every Autumn I start to question my intelligence. I love warm weather and flowers and green and butterflies. I can grudgingly admit that Autumn has its charms if it doesn't try too early to impersonate Winter. The scent of Autumn can transport me to my elementary school days; to a long ago pumpkin patch; to raking leaves for neighbors.

My family is here in Minnesota. I couldn't really imagine living anywhere else. I joke about how terrible it is sometimes, but it's really all I've known for most of my life. Minnesota has four distinct seasons. I'm sure I would miss that at least a couple of days a year if I lived elsewhere.

My Littlest Princess

2012-09-28T08:15:00.000-05:00

When I was a young girl, my parents and my aunt took me to the Renaissance Festival. The most enduring part of that whole day was how much I wanted a flower crown. All these years later, I still have mine, and I made sure both of my girls have one as well.

It's Impossible to See a Zebra and Not Photograph it With a Blog Name Like Mine

2012-09-27T07:23:00.000-05:00

A Little Magic in the Ordinary

2012-09-26T07:50:00.000-05:00

It looks like a pair of glass stones to most people, but these particular stones contain magic. D received them from a wood fairy and a mermaid. A small amount of sugar glitter and the stones become even more magical. Such a small thing, but they made my little girl so happy.

Dang, My Boy is CUTE!

2012-09-25T08:14:00.000-05:00

Looking for the Slo-Mo Button

2012-09-24T08:20:00.000-05:00

It's one of those things that people tell you all the time when your kids are babies... "Oh the time goes so fast." I always laughed and agreed but I don't think I really realized how quickly the years would seem to pass. But suddenly my first baby is 10 years old and in her final year of elementary school. She's irritated by this only because she will be out of the school the year before her little sister starts Kindergarten there. She feels a bit ripped off that she doesn't get to go to school with her.

By the end of this school year I will need to face the fact that my first baby will be in middle school. There is a smaller school that I hope to send her to but there are a lot of people who'd like their kids to attend school there so we will be subjected to a lottery. If she doesn't get selected as a student there, my first reaction is to home-school her. She learns pretty easily (especially considering the difficulties her brother faces) so I think it would be okay. I think. I'd still rather see her attend the middle school though.

Middle school scares me though. I'm not ready for any of my children to graduate to the pre-teen angst. Middle school was hard for me. Girls can be very cruel to one another. I have a strong feeling that it's worse today than it was when I was in school.

M still assumes the best of people, which is both good and bad. Sometimes she just doesn't realize that someone is not being kind to her or that someone may not be treating others nicely. I've talked to her about a few of the girls in her class and she's been slowly separating herself from these girls with questionable motives. Her teacher remarked at her conference last week that M is especially kind. She helps her classmates who have more trouble learning than she does. She doesn't realize she's helping herself as well (to teach someone to do something reinforces your own learning of it) and she does it selflessly. I want her to retain this kindness, but I don't want people to take advantage of her kindness either.

I don't want them to hurt her beautiful heart. That's the part of parenting that stinks the most...knowing you have to let your child get hurt sometimes...knowing it is a part of growing up and growing away.