VERTICALLY CHALLENGED

Up On That Mountain

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Fri, 02 Nov 2018 23:36:00 +0000

This is a story about a woman who was called to be a Fitness Teacher/Gospel Preacher. She was a woman who craved love from a father that practically ignored her during her childhood…turned her away when she wanted hugs and goodnight kisses. This woman sought that love she craved from any man who’d have her, no matter what the cost.

This woman was raped, got pregnant from that traumatic experience, and suffered a miscarriage. Some people would say that that was a “good thing.” I beg to differ. Any loss of a child is tragic and heartbreaking, no matter the circumstance.

This woman, in her deepest depression, found the only thing that could save her from certain death. She found God’s saving grace and mercy through Jesus Christ (Acts 4:12).

This woman who’s passion it is to encourage other women; to help them know their identity and worth through exercise and movement. A woman who wants to grow in her faith, searched for a way to put faith and fitness together (Romans 12:1). This woman found Revelation Wellness online through an IG post by PrayFit; and was eventually nudged by God to become a Revelation Wellness Instructor.

This woman is me; and this is #myrevstory.

One year ago today, I embarked on a journey up a mountain in Williams, Arizona. God brought me to Revelation Wellness, and ultimately to that mountain to become what I thought was just a Revelation Wellness Instructor. What He had planned was much more than I could ever hope or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

There was so much fear and anxiety, excitement and enthusiasm, as I stepped out of my comfort zone into the unknown. What I came back from that mountain with was not what I was expecting.

Up on that mountain, my soul was stirred. My eyes were lifted. My mind was beginning to be transformed. I broke a few chains of bondage up there as well. The image I had of God the Father was enlightened. He drew me close and whispered, “I am your Father; you are my daughter.”

I whispered back to Him, “Abba Father, I am yours!” He held me close and I could feel His arms wrapped around me…I could feel His love. He had no conditions. No shameful rhetoric. I felt no guilt. I was refreshed and renewed (Matthew 11:28).

No one wants to come down from that mountain. I sure didn’t.

But of course, I had to get back to my family; my life in this broken world. I thought that was it. I thought, “Ok God, You did a good work in me. I am so thankful!” But that wasn’t the end. It was only the beginning. Little did I know that He was going to bring me deeper into my old self…deeper into the pain of my past so I could forgive and heal my body, mind and spirit. It’s not just your mind and spirit that suffer from emotional pain and abuse. That pain also gets stuck in your body. It makes us sick when bad news gets stuck inside of good bodies.

For the last year, my spirit kept seeking God, but my mind and body weren’t going along for the ride. I drifted into a dark place, eventually losing my footing and falling into a pit. This all culminated in June after sending my middle child off on a mission trip to England. I wanted to end the pain I was feeling. I drew from past experience and thought the only way out was to end my life. The thoughts I had were dark and unforgiving. My enemy had his foothold. He wasn’t letting go.

I felt alone in my suffering; shameful that I felt this way as a Christian. Feeling guilty that I might be hurting the people I loved most in this world, but unable to forgive my past or myself.

I have to be honest; I didn’t want to seek help. I really didn’t. That might be wrong of me, or even selfish. I didn’t want to face my demons. BUT GOD!! God knew this wasn’t the end of my story. He blew His horn of righteousness and help began trickling in. First it was a friend who called me out after seeing my many posts on IG about coming undone. Then through a friend who confronted me face to face and wouldn’t let up until I spoke the truth of what was going on within me. Then through my husband, who promised to do anything he could to help pull me up and out. God put in place the people and resources I needed to start my journey back up that mountain. I am so grateful (Psalm 18:6).

In her book, The Wellness Revelation (pg. 75), Alisa Keeton writes about being in a cocoon. A caterpillar builds itself a cocoon in order to transform into a beautiful butterfly. She adds, “We need cocoons occasionally. We need times to visit the dark places and do what is hard so that new and beautiful things can emerge.” Oh how I can relate to this right now in my life! I’m in my cocoon…trying to work through those dark places; to shine God’s light on them and bring them out into the open, to expose them; to heal them (2 Corinthians 4:6). I know this time I am not alone. My husband, my friends, my family and, most importantly, my God, is with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 3:18).

I write this story in hopes that other women will know that they are not alone in their struggles and suffering. There is no guilt and shame in asking for help. We can’t do this life alone. We were made for relationship. We were made for a purpose that will give God the glory (2 Timothy 1:9; Exodus 9:16). My hope and prayer is that if you do feel alone, that you reach out to your Father in Heaven! He will answer your call for help (Jeremiah 29:13).

feeling all the feels...

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Tue, 18 Sep 2018 16:41:00 +0000

"For as he thinks within himself, so he is." Proverbs 23:7 (NASB)

Depression comes in all shapes and forms. It's a feeling of utter despair. It can be mild or severe...ultimately taking your life. What drives a person to that extreme? Why would anyone who has a life to live and people who love them want to end that life? I don't have the answers to what others have gone through before or after me. All I know is that I too felt that the only way out was to die. Those were the only thoughts that permeated my brain. When and how were the only questions ruminating in my thoughts. Contemplating and researching the 'how'; planning and trying to come up with the right 'when'. It's a scary place to be.

No one even suspected. No one saw me. Truly saw me. ME. Not the mom of the boys, not the wife of the husband, not the friend of a friend...the real me. The hurting me. The me that needed to scream out that I couldn't go on like this anymore. The me that needed real help...

Until one day after many desperate posts on IG, a friend messaged me. "I see you," she had written. She tried convincing me to seek help. But I put that thought aside. I didn't want to look at that darkness. I didn't want to bring it into the light. Then another dear friend, at church on a Wednesday evening, called me out. She knew something wasn't right. She saw through my false face of "I'm ok."
I couldn't hold it in any longer. I confessed my suicidal thoughts and plans. I felt so guilty and ashamed. She pressed on, trying to convince me to seek help, but most of all to tell my husband. He had a right to know.

So many thoughts raced through my head that night...I shouldn't have told anyone. I should've just went through with it. Why did she have to see me? Why can't I remain invisible? What now? I couldn't hide anymore. My friend persisted, day after day, until I called someone to seek out therapy. And again, until I told my husband. That took such effort, I was drained for days. My secret was out. It was in the light. The road back to what would be my authentic self will be hard to navigate. I have been hiding behind this facade for so long, I cannot remember who I am.

I do know however, that I am a daughter of the King of kings! I am a child of God! He knows who I am and why I'm here. He will guide my path with His light. I need only draw near to Him and ask Him for what I need. That is not always easy.

I still struggle some days. I'm not done with whatever this is. I will continue to uncover it, and bring it out into the light, so the healing can come.

"For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light." Ephesians 5:8 (NIV)

truth and honesty

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Tue, 18 Sep 2018 15:55:00 +0000

I wrote the following blog post way back in June...I just got brave enough to publish it. Since this post, I have sought after, and found, a therapist to talk this out with, and have told a handful of people. Some days are still hard to navigate, but I think the crisis has past...at least I hope so.

June, 2018:

it goes without saying that truth and honesty are paramount in any relationship...especially THE relationship...my relationship with Jesus.

to be honest and truthful is certainly comforting, but it is, at the same time, uncomfortable.

when i think about these things, i can't breathe. i'm weepy, snapping at things/people, anxious, ungrounded. i can't seem to be really honest with anyone. maybe that's fear of how they'd look at me if i were honest and truthful.

i am literally coming undone, and no one sees it. no one sees me.
i am numb. feelings come, and i want to cry...to have that release, but as soon as it wells up...it's gone again.

i just want to stop. get off the ride. i hate the feeling of being buried alive. i can't get out. i'm stuck.

is this depression? is this where i'm at now? i am so not happy with where i'm living...with how i'm living...

i love my husband and boys. so much. i just cannot muster up the JOY to enjoy them....to fight for this life that has been given me. the day to day is hard. and i feel my heart getting harder.

i want so badly to move. to be able to have the privacy from my father in law that our own place would bring...for each of my boys to have their own bedroom...to live in a house that's not constantly and persistently under reconstruction. endless projects started and unfinished.

i miss Jill. i don't think i've stopped long enough to really grieve. i sometimes wish it was Steve that died, not Jill. is that horrible?

Stephen is in England and i miss him fiercely. i don't think he even misses me in the slightest. it breaks my heart.

Nick will be driving soon...then graduating high school in two years. he'll be gone before we know it.

Jacob is still having behavioral issues. it's placing huge rifts in our family. i don't think therapy is helping him. praying for a breakthrough! is it because he remembers when he was 3 how they all got along so well? maybe he misses that time too.

one day, i found myself researching how much amlodipine would be fatal. and if i took enough, along with sleeping pills, i'd never wake up.

i'm not ok.

"it's ok not to be okay." ~ Sheila Walsh

i'm broken...

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Sun, 29 May 2016 22:31:00 +0000

"...being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." ~ Phil 1:6

I saw this on the rev well fb page and it just spoke to me

...like a whisper in my ear from God Himself.

i'm broken.

physically, mentally, spiritually.

(aren't we all?)

this body is frail. this body is failing me.

this body is the only body i'll have in this broken world.

but this body is not my forever body.

one day, all things will be made new...

even this body.

one day, i won't have to worry about sprains or strains

or curves in my spine.

one day...

but today is not that day.

today i am feeling the pain of this frail body.

i wish i could go to sleep tonight and know that when i wake up tomorrow

everything will be back to 'normal.'

i wish i knew that tomorrow or the next day, i'd be able to run again.

but i don't.

and it's driving me crazy!

it's only been a week, but it feels like a month!

a week without physical activity.

a week of moving slowly and purposefully so as not to cause any more pain.

a week of falling off my plan to achieve goals that i set for myself months ago.

a week of being weak.

i don't know the 'whys' or the 'whens' or the 'what-ifs'

maybe i'm not supposed to know right now.

perhaps when i look back at this time, i'll see the bigger picture.

maybe not.

i do know one thing...

my God knows. and i have to trust that He knows best.

He's not done with me yet. this is my life interrupted,

that's all.

He has so much more in store for me.

His plans are greater than my plans.

He is doing things in my life i've yet to see!

immeasurably more than i could ever imagine!

all i need to do is trust in Him and wait it out.

wait out the pain...until the healing is complete.

bonefrog is what bonefrog does...

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Sat, 28 May 2016 23:49:00 +0000

my first ever obstacle course race just had to be the Navy Seals bonefrog.

Charlemont, Mass 5/21/16

my buddy Tracy. she talked me into it! i blame her.
just kidding! :)

it's probably a good idea that i signed up for the 5k sprint and not the longer runs.

was it worth it? i'll tell ya later.

i have been doing HIIT, weight lifting, running, 5K races, and other various exercise routines for about 4 years now. i thought this would be no different from anything else i've done before.

it started out that way anyhow.

the ascent

going up?

half way up thunder mountain
night crawler obstacle

the obstacles were challenging, yes. most of them were getting over walls, which were either solid or mesh straps, or wooden beams, etc. climbing thunder mountain was exhausting. especially the last half...almost straight up. of course, you had to come back down said mountain. i think going up was a lot easier! almost got run over by a boulder. no shit.

at the top!

31 burpees for 31 fallen heroes.

when you were done, you had to yell,

"the only day harder than yesterday is today!"

BOO-YAH!

1st phase wall

2nd obstacle

after climbing the mountain

Tracy ringing the bell. i skipped this one.

other obstacles were running (or walking in my case) up a hill and back down with a metal ammo locker on your back,

pulling a weighted sack up ten or more feet and lowering it back down

(don't drop it!),

climbing a rope ten feet to ring a bell,

swinging on handles from one end to another

(don't ask me how far cuz i skipped that one...which cost me 25 push-ups--no problem),

pulling yourself along a rope that stretched out over a pond of freezing cold water where the only thing out of the water was your hands and head.

brrrrrrrr.

up and over and under and up and over and under a series of walls in the mud, you just got filthy; then wading through waist (in my case chest) deep water and climbing over buoys in that water to the other side of the pond

only to climb over another stone wall and run through a snow making machine!

then monkey bars so freakin high, i couldn't even jump to reach them...

so i skipped that one too. that cost me 25 squats with a 35 pound sand bag on my back.

which was really nothing.

then came the log obstacle.

this was the best picture i could find on the internet.

just looking at this now, i'm thinking the same thing i thought when i first came upon it. no problem right? i can do that. but i'm also just 5ft tall. and the drop from that top log...well, that's what got me.

this was the third to last obstacle. we were nearing the end. as i watched everyone before me go over, i planned my attack. i'd stay on the right side and use those braces to get me from one log up to the next. easy peasy. until i got to the top and saw no way down except to jump.

well, this 5ft nothing body of mine wasn't about to just jump. i knew it was too high for me to do that. so i thought if i could just hang down and drop, i'd be ok.

then i slipped. because after everyone before me had gone through the water, mud and more water obstacles, the logs were wet and muddy. and slippery. so....yeah.

down i went. i really tried to land on my feet, but my left knee buckled upon impact and my legs went out from under me. and wham! i came right down on my right SI joint. i could feel it right up back and down my leg. i thought i'd never walk again. took my breath away.

my friend Sarah helped me up. i thought if i could just get up, i could walk it off. after i stood up and caught my breath, i started to walk slowly towards the next obstacle. my left knee started feeling better already. but my back....well not so much.

i skipped the last two obstacles. even 'rang out' and said i quit. i didn't deserve any medals. i could never be a Navy Seal. but i hobbled my way to the finish line with half of my team and collected an "i finished" medal. i felt like a fraud. the Navy Seals that actually go through a whole lot more training and torture than any obstacle course can dish out deserve the medals. holy moly!

hobbling over the finish line

i got cleaned up and changed. hit the med tent for some NSAIDS and ice. then came the long 2 hour ride home...in a car....sitting. i think that made my back a whole lot worse. but i had to get home right?

that night i spent a few hours in the ER. X-rays revealed nothing was broken or fractured. which is a good thing. but what then? most likely a strained ligament or sprained muscle. or both. or more. who knows. i'm still in pain a week later. can't even bend over to tie my shoes. i guess i really did a number on myself. having scoliosis doesn't help any either.

i'm sure i will heal, eventually. my pride is hurt a little too. but i'll answer the question above...was it worth it?

i say heck yeah! i probably should've trained for this race. and perhaps started out with an easier course before tackling the bonefrog. but i challenged myself. i challenged my limits. and for me, that's a win.

no.

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Sat, 07 May 2016 23:47:00 +0000

the word no has been on my mind recently.
how can such a small word have such a BIG impact?

it's usually one of the first words we hear and say as littles, and one that we learn quickly.
no! don't touch that! no! don't go there! no! don't say that! no! you can't have that! some toddlers go head on into a full blown tantrum when they hear the word no.

as we get older, we become afraid of saying the word no. especially to people we love. we know the feeling we get when we hear the word no. but why should those feelings towards the word no be so negative. sometimes no means safety. or 'you can't handle that right now.' or 'i love you.'
the very definition of the word is itself, negative.

but we love to say yes. especially when it comes to pleasing others. yes, i will do that. yes, i will go there. yes, i can fix that. yes, i will ______ (fill in the blank).

i used to be a yes person. i'd say yes to most anything because i didn't want to disappoint someone.
i would over schedule myself and become stressed out trying to keep up with it all...rather than just say 'no, i can't do that right now.' or 'i need some time to think about it before i commit.' or 'that kind of commitment is too much for me at this time in my life.'

it's ok to say no.
let me repeat that...it's OK to say no.
in fact, it's healthy to say no. it's kinder to say no. it really is.
if you cannot say yes to something with passion and commitment right away, you most likely need to say no. or "i'll think about it." but chances are, the answer will be no.
don't say yes just because it's what you think the other person needs/wants to hear. you cannot please everyone. you cannot be everything to everybody and still be you. a healthy you.
and by saying no, you open the door for someone else to say yes!

so learn to say the word no. before you have to say it.
practice saying it right now. out loud.
sound it out...go ahead. i'm listening. nnnnnnnn ooooooooooo. nnnn ooooo. no.
see? you CAN say no! congratulations!

now go try it out in the real world!
you got this!

the stain on my shirt...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 07 May 2016 23:10:00 +0000

a few days ago, as i was listening to Air-1 radio, they started talking about the stain on your shirt.
i forgot what they were talking about originally, but that statement stuck in my head.

i got to thinking about the many shirts i had with stains on them. i tried to wash the stain out. i tried to scrub it out. i even tried to soak and pre-treat the stain out. but it never quite went away. there was always a faint remnant of the stain on my shirt.

little children are oblivious to the stains on their shirts. they don't really care if they go out and have a stain or two. they wear it like any other garment. so innocent and care-free. isn't that the way we should be?

isn't that the way it is with our sins? we try and try to wash them away, but never quite come close to getting those stains out. you know why? because we are trying to do it with our own strength, with our own will, with our own selfish pride. we just cannot do it alone.

but i've come to know Christ and i am not alone. through Him, all stains are washed away. all sins are forgiven and remembered no more. we are white as snow in His eyes.

i love that.

wonderfully made...

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Sat, 30 Apr 2016 01:29:00 +0000

i have been asked why i work out the way i do. why i do those "crazy exercises." why why why.

well, why not? why not use the body i was given? i spent too many years in a state of fatigue and unhealthiness. struggling for breath just walking up a flight of stairs. feeling the pressure in my middle as i bent over to tie my shoes. just feeling crappy in general.

why do i work out? two reasons mostly.

because i can: right now my body is able and my mind is willing. i may not always be able to move this way, or jump rope, or run, or even walk. so while i still have the ability, i will move my body in a way that challenges me. it keeps me fit in mind, body and spirit.

exercise is a means of worship: God gave me this body as a vessel for His spirit. a temple if you will. if i let this temple go into disrepair due to my own slothfulness or laziness, i am not being a good steward of what was graciously given to me. i have my health and a working body. there are too many people that are not as blessed. so shame on me if i do NOT live a healthier lifestyle while i am still able.

my scoliosis slows me down. i sometimes have to modify my exercise or skip the jumping because it jams my vertebrae, and then the pain sets in. i see my chiropractor regularly to stave off the inevitable continuing curvature of my spine and compacting of my disc space. but i will continue to exercise and do what i can for as long as i can. it's such a blessing and a privilege.

we will all grow old. we will all age. time gets everyone. time is undefeated. our earthly bodies were not meant to last forever. they will break down. they will quit on us. but until that time, i will push through the hard. i will push past the discomfort. there's something glorious waiting there beyond it! we have to enjoy this life...this adventure! and for me, there's enjoyment in the hard work.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

the year i walked a 5k...

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Sun, 10 Apr 2016 21:52:00 +0000

The Bacon Hill Bonanza Road Race has been my first race of the season for the past 3 years. this year was no different... until, that is, i strained a ligament in my back.

i had signed up for the race as usual prior to my injury and hoped beyond hope that i'd be ok to run when the race came around. unfortunately, my chiropractor advised against running. although i was disappointed, i could feel for myself that i wasn't quite ready to pound the pavement just yet. so i decided that since i paid already, and my son Stephen was running, i'd go and just walk it.

i was excited to see so many friends and Challenge by Choice peeps there. being a part of something bigger than myself is always a joy to me...and supporting the local community and hanging with friends are very soul-lifting activities for me!

i have to say, i didn't experience the pre-race jitters i usually have. perhaps it was because i knew i'd be walking and it wouldn't really matter how fast i was going. but i still felt so far out of my comfort zone.

when we were lining up, i hung toward the back of the pack, Stephen was up front. normally we'd start together. this year, he hung with his friends...as it should be. the horn blew and the pack started running. i began walking not too fast, not too slow. i never walked a 5k, so my pace was not consistent. as i watched the pack get further and further away, i felt the urge to run. it was very difficult for me NOT to run. i picked up my walking pace and caught up to one of my CBC buddies. we took that race course on, walking our way up and over the gentle hills.

i love to encourage people. running or even walking a race is a good way to be a part of a community and encourage people along the way. some runners turn up their music and just go! i usually have music in my ears as well. but this day, i chose not to. instead, i shouted and waved to people as they passed me in the opposite direction. hoping i'd encourage them to keep on keepin' on! it was great!

around mile 2+, my hip flexors started to hurt. i never felt that while running. i suppose i was using a few different muscle groups. but just like while running, you try to push through the pain and keep going to the finish line. i made it across that finish line...just over 49 minutes later. it felt good.

i love this sport because it's you against you. but it's also a community sport. even though each runner is running their own race, they are all doing it together...as a unit. we all know what the other is feeling...and wether you're walking or running, it's hard. it's hard for everyone. we have to choose our 'hard' every day! this day i chose to move. and i'm very grateful for a body that can still move!

a little breakfast inspiration...

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Sat, 27 Feb 2016 20:07:00 +0000

i've shared these images before. i used to be ashamed to show people how i looked back then. but more importantly, i was ashamed of how i felt. even though i looked happy, i was struggling with a lot of insecurity and self-hate.

so i was driving home this morning from a breakfast date with an awesome sister in Christ, and something hits me! no, not literally!
i was inspired to write this blog post.

we were talking about weight loss (among other things...many other things), and how it's a journey. it's extremely personal and different for everyone. it's not just about what you look like on the outside...not just a number on the scale...not just the size of your clothing.

no one wakes up one morning and decides that they want to be obese, or overweight, or unhealthy. no one wants to become so ugly on the inside that they feel the need to stuff their emotions waaaaay down inside themselves with food. but it happens. and it happens over time...slowly...painfully. then one day you wake up literally sick and tired. you're so broken that you can't even reach those deep, inner emotions anymore that got you to this point to begin with. you cannot seem to get to the point of loving yourself again enough to take a step in the right direction, let alone take a whole journey to wellness and self-love. your self-esteem and self-worth are so low they seem almost nonexistent. you stay there because you're afraid or comfortable, or just feeling stuck. or perhaps you feel useless and think it's pointless because who cares anyway.

please please please! wake up and KNOW that you are loved! there ARE people who care! there ARE people who love you and want you around and actually need you to be around! they need you to be healthy inside and out, not only for them but for yourself!

getting healthy is literally a journey. it doesn't happen in an instant or overnight or even in a month. it takes time. it's a journey that only you can decide to take. it'a a journey that takes you inward...deep inside of your heart and soul. and THEN takes you back out again to your body. because any weight loss program, any diet, or "fix" is only temporary. you have to learn how to love yourself again and enough to WANT to be healthy. you have to learn to own your emotions...control them so they don't control you...to deal with them without the comfort of the food. you need to let go of the stuff that feeds those emotions. take back your life and feel worthy of a healthy, strong body, mind and spirit. because YOU ARE WORTHY!

this life we are living...this road that we're on...this journey...is never ending while we are still alive. if you've hit a dead end, you don't just stop living. you go on living. but are you going to set up camp at that dead end street? i say no! turn around! go back! take another road! if there's a fork in the road...take it! move!

there will be many hills on that road. many ups and downs. but hills make us stronger. and when we get over that hill, we can coast a while and rest until that next hill. there will be many turns on that road. some are long, sweeping curves...and we can see what's coming. but some curves are sharp, switchbacks and it's difficult to navigate...difficult to see what's coming. so we take it slow...we have courage and faith to persevere...until we make it to that next straight away. it will come. but first you have to WANT to go on that journey...and want to do it for YOU!

if God so loved the world, so loved you, that He sent His only Son to die for you, how dare you NOT love yourself! who are you to not love someone who God loves that much?! no. the answer lies within you...it's that still, small voice that tells you, 'you are loved...you are worthy...you are needed...and you are here for a reason.' you are here because He has a plan for your life. and He needs you to be the best you to carry out that plan.

choose to be a healthier you...choose to be the BEST you! choose this journey called life.

i didn't marry my best friend...

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Thu, 05 Nov 2015 15:59:00 +0000

(grab a cup of your favorite hot beverage...this is a long one!)

i didn't marry my best friend *gasp*
has anyone ever admitted to that? i have no idea.
let me explain...

what is friendship?
that word is FULL of love and kindness, raw emotion, heartbreak, illusion, deceit.
but what does it mean?

any dictionary will give you a general description of what friendship means.
according to dictionary dot com, friendship is "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard." so i guess by this definition, i did marry my "friend."

however, if you ask people what friendship means to them, you'll get a variety of answers.
why? because friendship is personal. it's a relationship with another human being that goes beyond the just "how are you" stage and delves into the intimate details of our lives.
now you may not share every intimate detail with all of your friends, but there is a percentage that you do. am i right? these few people may be considered your best friends.

when i married my husband, he wasn't my best friend. however, over the last 14 years of marriage, he has certainly become my best friend. he's the only one that i share absolutely everything with. there are no "little white lies" with him. i trust him completely with my heart. i am truly in love and love my husband as my spouse, partner in life, father of my boys, and best friend. i hope that we are transparent, and vulnerable, and accountable with one another; honest and truthful and committed to one another. i cannot imagine anyone who is married, and in love, to have another "best friend" other than their spouse.

that said, i put the question of friendship out there in the fb world to my fb friends. here are some of their responses on what it means to them...

Melinda: True friends are hard to come by and I think in your lifetime you will not have many true friends. You will have seasonal friends but not a million true friends. A true friend will be there no matter what time of the day or night. They will drop everything for you.

Emily: I think there's different kinds of friendship. My husband is my best friend, but I also have good friends who are just different friends. We hang out, chat, joke, etc.

Samantha: friendship means loving someone without condition; desiring to spend time with someone and enjoying their company; wanting to do nice things for them and thinking of them when they aren't around; and being able to not see each other for any length of time and still feel the same about them when you see them again.

Heather: I think friendship has many different levels. I think true close friendships require a deep level of trust and honesty, being totally vulnerable with that person and accountable to them. Someone who is there for you through thick and thin, going through life with you. Equal give and take in the relationship, not always at the same time, sometimes one needs more give than take. Someone who makes me a better wife, mom, friend, Christian, who challenges my faith and walk...there are also levels of friends who you are close with, have a certain level of vulnerability and accountability with but would never open up about what is REALLY going on in your life...you sometimes have the church face with them, some call you on it some don't. Sometimes those are the relationships that take more than give. Then there are acquaintance friendships who you can talk to about stuff just not the deep stuff.

Kristina: For me, I feel like I'm finally "growing up" and my worth/value/identity is no longer in my "friends". I don't see my true friends daily or even weekly any more. Some I only see once in a great while, but there is a deep loyalty, a trust, knowing that we "get" each other and accept each other, quirks and all. My true friends could call on me day or night for help (and vice versa). We also hold each other accountable, which us another "grown up" dimension to maturing friendships.

Lilly: I agree with a lot of what has been said. I feel like I'm in the season of my life where my friendships are shrinking, but mostly because I'm able to discern those that are more genuine and equal. For a long time, I've felt like I am the only one trying, and I think I'm ready to let those go. Flakiness is also a downer. I would want a friend who gets back to me. As a mom of two littles, I understand if it takes you a couple of hours to text me back. But it's kind of hurtful to never hear back. Are my expectations too high? Or am I recognizing my own worth more? I know that my humor isn't for everyone. I'm very opinionated and a lot of people mistake that for aggression. It does make you lonely though, and I wish it weren't so. But I value the friendships I have.

Katie: I think I have differerent "types" of friends. I think it varies a lot person to person. I'm awful at having free time for friend things, but I don't consider people *less of a friend* if we don't spend time together. Wayne is certainly my best friend. we talk about everything...some people share stuff with girlfriend...I really don't. I think depending on our season and personality, we each have different needs. I read blogs about "best girl friends" who are always at each others houses and doing things together. that's great for some people, but it kinda weirds me out. I like alone time and hubby time. Maybe I don't have enough brain/emotional/mental capacity for "that kind" of friend...where someone else couldn't imagine their life without it.

Veronica: You both need to be someone who is real; honest, kind, sympathetic, loving, an ear to talk to. Have to have something in common...available and able to reciprocate might be on the list as well. There are many people that I am "friends" with but not all of these things are happening so it feels very one sided. frown emoticonI guess maybe it's just a lot of people being friendly or just taking from the relationship and not giving.

Janise: I think its so important to remember that freinds are different for everyone. I learned when I moved to NY that I'm not good at small talk. I want to be serious most all the time and that many are not looking for that. they are looking for "fun" and fun is fine some of the time, but it just wasn't the season I was in with my friends. My fun times were gonna be spent with my children and their friends and other little ones. There is a season for everthing and I guess it depends on your season. A friend now for me is someone who does life with me, they are flexible and spontaneous. They are a friend who knows that I enjoy working together on anything that will further the kingdom of God and a deeper relationship with Christ. My closest friend works in my house with me. she loves on my children, she listens, she encourages my relationship with Todd, she speaks truth, we pray for one another, miles and time don't seperate us.

Marie: Friendship to me is when you enjoy another's company and truly care what's happening in their life...one more important thing for me is that YOU also get something back...as much as you put into the relationship. friendships are not one sided. you can't give it all away and get nothing in return. It's a two sided caring and loving concern for each other.

Dena: Being ones self, no judging, laughter, sharing, helping, being an ear.

wow! so many different responses! yet, there are certain similarities. i suppose we all just want to be loved and needed and respected. i think God places people in our lives for a reason and a season. they may or may not become our friends/besties. the world is full of interesting people...people made in the image of God. and every person you meet is a potential friend.
are you willing to open your heart and mind to that possibility?

think on that.

summer's end...

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Mon, 07 Sep 2015 02:44:00 +0000

Last year I turned 50. It was a big deal. 51 seems anti-climatic. But this year flew by.

Some things I wanted to do are left undone. Some are finally finished.

Having a birthday at the unofficial end to summer...Labor Day weekend...can be a bit chaotic. I like it though because it takes some of the emphasis off of me.

This weekend has been full of those moments that you don't want to end, moments that you wish would've ended sooner, and moments that you wish had never happened at all.

Hank's mom, grandma Jill to our boys, is in the hospital again. I've stopped counting the times she's been admitted in this year. It doesn't really matter. The last time we visited her at home, I knew something was not right...that this time around her recovery wouldn't be as easy...if at all.

We tried to convince her to go back to the hospital, or get a home health aid, but she refused. If you know Jill, she has to do things on her own terms, in her own time.

I guess that time came a couple of days ago when she called her sister to take her to the doctor. The doctor sent her right to the ER.

She's not telling us much. She wants to talk with Hank alone at some point. The boys are scared and tensions are high. We are all stressed and we can all feel the heaviness in the air. Hank wouldn't even let me hug him...I tried three times. He's never refused a hug.

One more day and then school starts. I've never been more ready to get back to some semblance of a routine. I think we all need it right now. It's been a grand summer, with lots of lake time, BBQs, time with family and friends, weekend trips and a trip to the ocean. I'm so ready for fall.

So ready to fall...into the arms of Jesus.

the rest of the story...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 27 May 2015 20:10:00 +0000

so for four years, i wore a back brace. something that looked very similar to this one...

i had to wear a thin t-shirt underneath so it wouldn't rub on my skin. i didn't have any long enough, so i remember my mom cut off the sleeves and neck of my dad's t-shirts. my clothes barely fit over the brace. the only thing that showed when i was dressed was the neck piece.

the first year, i had to wear this brace 23 hours a day. one hour off for bathing/swimming. i wasn't allowed to participate in any contact sports. so instead of gym class, i was sent to study hall.

the very first night was a terrible experience to try to sleep in that thing. i didn't know how to lie down on my bed without it choking me. my pillow didn't help. so eventually my mom put a board under my sheet and took the pillow away. this is pretty much how i slept for the next four years.

getting ready in the morning was different for sure. my mom had to help the first few times i needed to adjust the brace. eventually, i learned to do it by myself. i had to relearn how to sit on chairs and in cars and lie down without choking. my long hair kept getting caught in this screw on the back of the neck piece.

all.the.time.

when i returned to school, i got many stares. a few kids would step aside and whisper. but mostly kids would just come up to me and ask me what happened to my neck. it got old real quick trying to explain that nothing happened to my neck. that i had scoliosis, a curvature of the spine.

and one day, i saw a girl with a back brace just like mine! i wasn't alone anymore. we quickly made friends. the degree of her curvature was much worse than mine. she was just wearing a brace for a couple of months until school was out, then she was going to have the surgery. when she returned in the fall, she was wearing a full torso cast from her neck to her hips. it was very difficult for her to move around. she was a very brave, strong young lady. i'll never forget her. but we lost touch after junior high.

for the next two years, the amount of time i had to wear the brace during the day weaned. and that last year, i just had to wear it while i slept. at 16, i was re-evaluated by Dr. Graham. my curvature was less than 5 degrees...what he called "cosmetically straight." my mother couldn't afford to take it to the next level, so that was that. i got to keep the brace as a consolation prize.

i kept that thing in my closet for another year. "the monster in my closet." i don't know why i held onto it. sentimental reasons? i didn't know what to do with it? i don't know. eventually, we ended up donating it to someplace for parts.

fast forward 34 years...

i'm right back where i started. a lateral curvature of the spine. only this time with it comes other

complications.

decreased disc space, bone spurs, decreased C curve in my cervical spine, decreased thoracic curve, and of course pain. it's that pain that is so chronic that you become numb to it after a while. you only realize it when it's not there. which isn't very often...or when it's so severe that you almost fall out of bed when you go to get up in the morning.

so i see a chiropractor in the hopes that he can at least keep the pain at bay. he told me that if i wasn't as active as i was, the progression of my disease would be much worse. so i'm thankful that i can still keep moving as i have been. there are days when i need to slow down...but i know if i stop, i will deteriorate faster.

so i manage the pain. like so many of my friends with chronic pain issues. we push forward because it's the only thing that keeps us going.

this is the spine of a 50 year old. this is my spine. and i'm grateful to God for all of it.

a lateral curvature of the spine...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 26 May 2015 17:14:00 +0000

i have scoliosis.

a lateral curvature of the spine.

i have had this since birth.

when i was about 12 years old, my mom took me in for a physical.

mind you, that was a rare occasion.

we only went to the doctor if we were ill beyond repair.

this was one of those times.

I was having a lot of hip and low back pain.

my mom thought it was growing pains.

when it didn't subside, she finally broke down and off we went.

i remember the doctor practically screaming at my mom

for waiting so long.

and that i had scoliosis.

i had no idea what that was of course,

or what we were supposed to do about it.

after my diagnosis, things moved rather quickly.

my mom made some appointments, and we traveled to NYC

to see a back specialist. Dr. Graham.

after some X-rays and review of my case, we were

given two options: a back brace or surgery.

the surgery option seemed severe given the fact

that my curvature was only 23 degrees.

after surgery i would need to spend 9 months in a body cast!

so we chose the brace.

the specialist sent us right over to the 'lab.'

yes, we literally went from his office to the next building down,

where they would "fit" me for the brace.

i was 12. no one, not even the doctor,

prepared me for what i had to go through next.

i was told to go behind this wall of curtains and take off my clothes.

my mother was not allowed to come with me.

she didn't even insist. she just blindly said ok.

as i waited for someone to come in, i shivered uncontrollably.

naked.

scared to death.

almost in tears.

finally, after some unknown amount of time,

a Chinese man came in with a piece of gauze

and some plaster of paris in a bucket.

what followed was for me very humiliating and

extremely horrifying.

this man, whom i had never met, wrapped my body

from my neck to just below my hips with the gauze,

and then proceeded to slather my body with the wet plaster.

never saying a word. never preparing me for what was to come.

i was 12. i had never had a strange man's hands on me.

i was just horrified.

i couldn't contain my tears any longer.

i just cried and cried.

he mumbled something which i didn't understand.

and left.

i stood there alone, shaking and crying.

hoping my mother would come get me.

she didn't.

i stood there as the plaster started to harden on my body.

cold. alone. afraid.

i thought i might pass out.

then the man came back with a woman and

they cut the plaster cast off of me.

leaving me exposed once again.

i was given a wet face cloth and told to wipe myself off and get dressed.

and still my mother didn't come.

we left with another appointment to come back

the following week to pick up the brace.

once again, i had to go behind those curtains.

terrified, i grabbed my mother's hand.

this time, she was allowed to come with me.

i had to try on the brace.

this time i was allowed to keep my underwear and t-shirt on.

they instructed both my mother and i how to don and doff the brace.

how to tighten it and so on.

i had to wear it for 23 hours a day for the first year.

i left that day wearing the brace. we had driven there in my father's van.

the back of his van was not todays' average mini van.

there were no real seats,

only benches along the sides with a table in the middle.

when i went to sit down, the brace unexpectedly came up and hit my throat/chin.

i gagged and started crying again.

i don't remember for how long.

and i don't remember my mother consoling me in any way.

all in all, a terribly horrifying experience.

i eventually learned how to sit properly.

and i could never sit on a soft surface with my brace on.

i never told anyone of my experience behind the curtain.

not in detail anyway.

and i hadn't expected to write about it today.

originally, this post was about the spine of a 50 year old.

i guess the 12 year old in me had more to say.

have heart...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 20:27:00 +0000

today marked the first monday of the year. the day that the mcmonkeys returned to school, the handsome hubby returned to work, and the first day alone for me after spending the last two full weeks together.

you'd think it was the grandest day of them all. not so much. i missed those little buggers. and i missed my hubby. i have been busy, yes. but i missed the giggles and the belly laughs and the games and the food prepared by my talented chef of a husband. i even missed the little squalls.
you know, that 'noise' that's around your home when you have littles at home with you.

it was a wonderful two week break from the every day scheduled life we lead. i'm glad for those two weeks. it re-ignites my love for my family. and spending Christmas with my family is extra special. i am content. my heart is full.

which brings me to the one word that i've chosen to bring me through this new year.

H E A R T

heart = Jesus

heart = the wellspring of life

heart = family

heart = love

heart = passion

heart = fullness

heart = joy

heat = health

for me, the heart is where all life and love begins.

my family. my heart.

happy new year my friends! may the joy of the Lord fill your hearts!

just the most blessed Christmas yet...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 25 Dec 2014 23:12:00 +0000

Christmas eve was most special with a

5pm church service that rocked God's house!

then it was off to grandma Jill's house for some

dinner and present exchange.

the McMonkeys had to open their grammy jammies first!

as always!

grandma actually said the pre-meal prayer and touched

all of our hearts...

and big hugs all around for grandma!

check back in a few days when i have more time

upload more pics and possibly

blog about our year in review!

the boys.
picture by Samantha Whitman Photography

grandma hugs!

oh boys.

crazy...

…and this is why we call them
McMonkeys!

the long-awaited grammy jammies!
yay!

sledding monument hill.

my love and I.
picture by Samantha Whitman Photography

mother NEVER told me there'd be days like these...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 05 Dec 2014 20:23:00 +0000

...probably because she never had to deal with the world wide web!

being a boy mom just got a little bit harder. my husband and i have three boys…and having two of those three boys going into adolescence at the same time is proving to be our biggest challenge yet.

our two oldest are very smart. honor roll smart. but we were naive to think that they were innocent when it came to internet smarts.

go back in time to when you were twelve, thirteen, fourteen years old. try to think about how you looked at the world and those in it. think about how you looked at your parents and how your parents looked at you. i'll bet that most of you thought you knew everything. i'll bet that most of you thought your parents weren't cool and didn't have a clue about your life, or that they didn't 'understand' you. pffft.

i remember being that age. i remember crying a lot. i remember my parents' struggle to keep me in the house and protect me from the big bad world. i remember wanting to go out into that big bad world regardless of what my parents said. and i remember getting into some things that were beyond my years. and i didn't even have the internet at my fingertips back then. as an adult, i wish i had listened to my parents. and later i had to deal with the consequences of my choices.

as a parent, i want to protect my boys as well. i have 50 years of life experience to share with them. i know the consequences of bad choices. i had to live with them. i'm not perfect in any way. i still make mistakes. often. but oh how i wish i could impress upon my littles the importance of innocence…of staying young as long as possible. but this world is so advanced and becoming more so every day, that it practically screams to your children, "GROW UP!" "NOW!"

i admit i was naive to some things on the internet. i probably still am. i am a trusting soul. unless i have a reason to mistrust, i usually trust people. so i trusted my two oldest on the internet. oh, i placed the usual parental controls on their devices. spoke to them about staying within the parameters that their dad and i set. threatened to take away those devices if they abused them, etc.

it was so not enough.

i want to speak to the parents of young children…guard their hearts! protect them from these things that they don't understand…that are way beyond their years. keep them off line as long as possible. if they need to go online, be there with them. physically. watching over their shoulder. unless you have filters upon filters upon filters.

i'm urging you to be on this as soon as you decide you are going to buy that kindle, or that iPod, or that iPad mini. place your parental controls on these devices. be present when your children are 'downloading' games or music or books. even as they are searching for these items. buy a software program that filters explicit materials/images. don't let them on YouTube. EVER! ok, well that may prove to be impossible. but be physically present if they have to research something on that site. it's treacherous!

be mindful of these social media accounts as well. be mindful of the minimal age requirements, and don't let your child of 11 have a Kik account when it's meant for ages 17+. There are reasons these age limits are set. i won't even get into the wide world of child predators! you say that you made their account 'private.' don't kid yourself. there's nothing private on the internet. nothing.

on top of those filters, check your child's online history. all.the.time. i mean every.single.day.
and if they know how to clear that history, tell them you don't want them to clear that history. tell them you will be checking that history. and if they clear it, that means they have something to hide and you will be taking that privilege away from them. period. no discussion. end of story.

seriously.

this is no joke. there are lots of things that go on in private chat rooms online. did you know they have chat rooms in almost every single online game that exists??!! well get schooled now ladies and gentlemen. this is where a lot of cyber bullying happens. not to mention, once again, where child predators hang out. your child might be thinking they are chatting with a 12 year old boy when it's actually a 42 year old man! this is real. this is no a fairy tale.

and this is why being a boy mom has gotten a little bit harder these days. there will be more talks and more instruction; and a good filtering software program in place.

i'm hoping to reach some of those parents who haven't been there yet. please please please be on this. don't let it slip through your fingers. don't be lazy about the internet. it's not just for research. it's everything. all the world has to offer (and definitely not all good). teach your children how to be discerning, yes. but protect them along the way.

and if you are a parent of a toddler…cherish these years. they are hard in their own right, but oh so much easier than preteen/teen years.

(even though i'm a mom of boys, the above also pertains to moms of girls!)

energy and God's grace...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 06 Nov 2014 15:37:00 +0000

as most of you know, i was down for the count with an illness last week. fever for 5 1/2 days, hacking cough, muscle/joint aches, severe headache, no appetite, general malaise. the doctor couldn't even tell me what it was…just 'some kind of virus,' and bronchitis.

it has been about ten days since the onset of this virus. although the fever has been gone for 5 days, the aches and pains are gone, and the cough still lingers, what strikes me the most is my energy level.

i'm so very tired. i feel like i should be back to my normal activity level. but just going about the activities of daily living, my usual tasks (minus the intense exercise of course), leave me exhausted.

i find that i need to rest in between tasks, and i have no desire to do some tasks (i.e, raking).

it's not fun. it's not me.

it does however give me empathy for those who are stricken with debilitating illnesses/diseases. those who deal with this sort of thing on a daily basis…a life-long daily basis. here i am just 5 days post acute illness and i'm whining about my energy level. what about those who don't know what's causing their energy levels to drop? what about those who know, but there's no cure? only temporary relief?

i know one day i will feel like myself again. i know this will pass. my faith carries me through.

what about those who don't know when it will end? that don't have that strong faith in the Lord?

i am so very grateful for a body that works, for a mind that thinks, and for a spirit that worships.

God's infinite grace washes over me daily. makes me new each day. i am so very thankful for His grace.

we ran away...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 18 Sep 2014 20:30:00 +0000

lake placid, ny 2014

my love

it was my 50th birthday, and our 13th anniversary weekend. we hadn't been away without the kiddos for about two years. i just couldn't let another year go by without snatching my dearest love away (even though he was secretly planning a bash for my birthday).

it's so important to spend alone time with your spouse. it makes for a healthier marriage. so do it. even if you send the kiddos to grandma's for the weekend (or even just one night). you won't regret it. so plan it. now.

our little escape landed us in lake placid at the Crowne Plaza (recommended by my sweet friend Karen). we weren't disappointed. the views were grand and the room was splendid. we even had a small, private balcony to look out over the mountains. i want to go back.

we had a sweet, intimate time together. laughing, talking, walking, seeing the sights. even caught a movie… The Giver. we took naps. shopped. drank coffee (of course). and shared the most delightful, warm, gooey cinnamon bun ever!

we missed our boys, but chatted with them frequently. i think it was good for them to spend time away from us as well. absence makes the heart grow fonder? perhaps. my husband sums up his point of view on his blog here.

and of course i took way too many pictures!!

we're here!

our room with a view

we slaughtered that warm brie

crowne plaza, evening light

the house of jerky closed early
due to nice weather

up the chair lift...

down the chair lift

my poor hubby had to climb these stairs
a few times a day! phew!

my goofball <3 td="">

mirror lake

well, you know ;)

rainy day coffee shop visit

the house of jerky closed
due to bad weather lol

the best french onion soup!

awesome view

crisp morning

whiteface

after the wind got a hold of me
atop of whiteface!

death of a cinnamon bun
so gooey and warm and deeelish!

you can see more of my photos on my fb page here.
i cannot wait to run away again!

thirteen years ago...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 11 Sep 2014 14:01:00 +0000

on this day 13 years ago, Josef Hank Rowinski and I were on a whale watching boat off the coast of Bar Harbor, ME. I was "feeding the fish," and my dear newlywed hubby took off his sweatshirt to wipe my mouth! As I lay my head down on a table in the cabin, one of the crew came through to say that the World Trade Center had been bombed. I thought it a hoax at first. But when Hank and I returned to our room, it was on every station. we only watched it for a short time. of course we were terrified, but we also knew that God was in control. We knew that this nation, under God, would rise again.#TBT #NeverForget #nineeleven

we will never forget

half a century!

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 30 Aug 2014 16:10:00 +0000

so this came in the mail today…

are you kidding me??!! am i THAT old?!

i'm surely not feeling like 50.

in my mind, i'm still a young 30!

but my birth certificate states otherwise.

bummer.

half a century gone.

i cannot help but feel a bit sad and melancholy.

a whole season of my life has passed by…

don't get me wrong, i'm extremely grateful for the life i've had so far. my wonderful, loving husband and three beautiful boys bring me joy daily. i guess i never really thought about how old i was, or what i would do as i aged. a 'career' seems to elude me. i've had seasons of life that brought me to where i am today. God has seen fit to guide me here, so it must be where i'm supposed to be at this time in my life.

it's a good life too. we have all we need. we love. we play. we work. we explore. we learn. we educate. we serve. we laugh and cry and fill our days. and the days pass on to years. that old adage "time goes by too quickly" is true to a fault. i want to rewind a few years so i can start things a wee bit earlier in my life. but then again, i suppose things might be different now if i did that.

with time, change happens. it's a fact of life. change is not always a bad thing. i like change. most of the time. my boys are growing up strong and healthy and knowing the Lord. my husband and i are sharing this awesome journey together, growing and learning so much along the way.

i wouldn't trade this life. no way. no how.

but i'm starting to feel and see the effects of aging. brown spots, wrinkles, aches and twinges. my body is changing. it can't help but change. no matter what i do to slow it down!

even with all that, i am grateful for my health. God has given me that gift. and while i am still able, i will do what i can to maintain that health.

and age, i must. inevitably.

but i have a choice…i can fight it the whole way, or i can do it with grace.

i think i'll do a little of both ;)

twelve years gone...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 18 Jun 2014 21:53:00 +0000

it's hard to believe my dad has been gone 12 years now.
that number just sits there…my brain refuses to register it.
but Nick will be 12 in July, and my dad passed away just three weeks before he was born.
so 12 years. wow.

it seems like yesterday we were all sitting in the waiting room at St. Mary's Hospital. the doctors deciding what to do and my mom not wanting to make those 'too big and too soon' really tough decisions.
hospice came and a few days later he was gone. it really doesn't matter how. i still don't get the 'why.'
but it's not for me to know the why.

God knows. God sees the bigger picture.
we just get a glimpse of this life, and then we're gone too.
the only solace and peace i get is from the fact that my dad accepted Christ as his savior two days before he passed. two days. this from a self-proclaimed atheist.

my dad was a strong man. both in body and in will. stubborn to the core. italian and proud.
big strong hands that swallowed up my little girl hands.
i loved him for being the strength in our family.
i loved that he played the guitar and sang like no one was listening.
i loved singing along, even though i didn't have one lick of tone or harmony in my voice.
country music was in his soul. it was his soul. especially johnny cash and willie nelson.
i loved that we went fishing and walking and talking and camping.

i loved this one awesome july we spent together home alone. i was in my senior year of high school and i was doing a co-op program, so i had to work half the summer. my mom took the rest of my siblings to Port Henry camping while my dad and i stayed home. in the mornings, he went to his job and i off to my job in manhattan.
he always made it home before me and i'd walk in the door to find my dinner on the table. most of the time with orange juice. and he'd say, "orange juice. it's not just for breakfast anymore." hahaha!
i loved his sense of humor!! oh he was corny and dry at times, but he always made me laugh!

he loved his coffee too. (no surprise there!)
he was a hard worker, even when he retired. he just couldn't sit still for too long.
seeing him lying helpless in a hospital bed was heartbreaking.

i miss him dearly. and my boys are missing out on his corny jokes and his years of wisdom.
that makes me really sad to think about.
so i don't. except when i write about it. then it gets in my head for a while.
my boys never got to meet my dad. they see pictures and hear stories.
but y'all know it's not the same. they will never know his kind heart and dear soul.

but i will forever remember him with so much love. and that will have to be enough.
love you dad!

gone, but never forgotten...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 02 Jun 2014 16:57:00 +0000

what i remember about my mom…

she was a crass woman at times, but she loved completely.
her laugh was loud and contagious.
her smile lit up her face.
she wore the reddest lipstick she could find.
she was a CNA.
she was a waitress.
she and my dad owned a dog grooming business.
she ran Port Henry Beach campsite for a summer.
she didn't start driving until she was in her 40's.
she had the BEST legs.
she loved Bingo.
she loved coffee. hmmmmm…the apple doesn't fall far ;)
we loved our 'cafe mocha moments.'
she loved her family the MOST.
and pina coladas and bailey's.
she wasn't a very good cook.
she loved books. so many books.
and puzzles. jigsaw. crossword. searchaword.
and cards.
she played mahjong. and bowled.
she yelled much. but hugged often.

she was my mom.
five years gone. we still miss you.
love you.
always.

too old for high school drama...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 21 May 2014 18:46:00 +0000

i don't know why i get caught up in all the drama of people.

focusing my thoughts and attention on that 'stuff' always takes me to a place in my head that tells me i am not worthy, disliked, unloveable, invisible…

i really don't like feeling that way.

i hope that i am a decent friend. that i am not too needy, but needy enough. that i am not too chatty, but chat enough. that i am not too distant, but distant enough. i hope i'm not too clingy, but clingy enough. but i cannot change who i am. either you like me or you don't. either you include me or you don't. it shouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

and yet somehow it still does. and sometimes it hurts.

being vulnerable and naive sucks. but it's all i got. God made me this way. it's who i am. i'm not ashamed of it and i embrace it.

it's time for me to be that 'intentional' person i set out to be at the beginning of this year…time to focus on God and what He has in store for my life. no, it's not about me. and it's most certainly not about you. it's about what He wants to do with me for my life. some call it purpose. destiny. whatever.

i'm done chasing. if you need me, you know where to find me.

Murphy's Law...

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 03 May 2014 16:34:00 +0000

yesterday was a day right out of the pages of Murphy's Law.

it started out fine…typical morning of getting the boys up and ready for school.
i knew i would need to pick Nick up early from school for a scheduled ingrown toenail surgery.
…and the demo/construction of our dining room is in full swing. (of which i have waited almost nine years for! but that's another story.)

here's a sneak peak…

uncovered a hidden pantry

the chimney

After Nick was off and the other two boys were done with breakfast, i cleaned up the kitchen and got some additional orders from hubby to pick up some electrical supplies at Home Depot.
at this point, i check the bus stop and the boys are bouncing a ball off the side of the dumpster. no harm/no foul…except that the ball bounces up and over the side INTO the dumpster. my neighbor's son proceeds to climb up the side of the dumpster. really?!! of course i step in and tell him that's very dangerous and his ball is lost. end of story.

some minutes later, the bus still hasn't come. it's almost 9am. i still need to shower.
but i collect my youngins and take them to school. on the way, Stephen asks if we can pick up his buddy. sure, why not! so i swing by their house…let mom know we are taking her two to school…and she asks if i can swing back her way after i drop them off. sure, why not!

drop the boys off and swing back to our friend's house. they are rearranging furniture and it looks great! spend a bit of time chatting and off i go home to shower.

i had to eat somewhere in there. i don't remember when…

i'm ready to go and try to think of all that i had to bring with me: Nick's open-toed sandals, the electrical boxes to be returned to Home Depot, a snack and water for myself and Nick, a grocery list, Nick's Kindle for distraction during the minor surgery.

wouldn't you know it, as i looked up at the clock it was 10:55am. i was supposed to get Nick at 11am! yikes!
i call the school so they can pull him from class and he'd be ready when i got there. i started pulling out of the driveway, and realized i forgot the electrical boxes. run back into the house to get them.

pull into school, get Nick; realize i forgot his sandals! have to go back home to get them. our appointment was for 11:45. it was now 11:20. we get to the podiatrist office exactly at 11:45. whew!
however, it seems she's overbooked or something because we are in the waiting room for over half an hour! we are finally called in at 12:25. lunch time for the office. thankfully, they forego their lunch to get Nick done. now we have to do this for the next 2 weeks…

soak in betadine, apply silvadine and wrap in gauze

poor Nick. that Kindle did little to distract him from the pain of those four needles they shot into his big toe :( he squeezed my hand so hard i thought i'd bruise! that ingrown nail was like a giant splinter! thank goodness it's out! we finally walk out of the office at quarter past one with another item added to my list: a stop at the drug store for silvadine.

the errands followed…Home Depot, grocery store, drug store. starving! finally home at 2:40. eat lunch, clean up, get Nick comfortable. coffee breather!!
by this time, Hank is well into his electrical business in the dining room, and the other two boys are coming home from school.

Stephen gets off the bus and tells me his knee hurts really bad. the tears start flowing :(
i'm all like 'what happened? let me see it.' a bruise and some swelling. get the ice pack.
find out that they were doing gymnastics in gym class. when it was his turn at the spring board, he runs and jumps and WHAT?! some lame-o separated that mats!! and wouldn't you know it, Stephen comes down hard on his right knee…on the hard wood floor! Lord have mercy! he refuses ice or a visit to the school nurse. lovely. it's now 3:50. i call the school to speak with the nurse. she tells me there's really nothing she can do. if it bothers him to take him to his doctor. if it's anything serious, she will fill out an incident report on monday. ugh. i think she just wanted to get home for the weekend. whatever.

i call the pediatrician and get him in for 4:30. quick check…all good. just a bruised knee cap. ice, advil, rest. whew.
home just in time to finish up some laundry and cook dinner.
i was so happy to hit my favorite chair with coffee in hand and settle in to watch John Carter.

#endofday