Evil Monkey

How To Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

2011-11-28T03:14:00.000-08:00

Another shameless plug. When I'm not writing on here I sometimes use the site squidoo to post random articles that take my interest, so in a shameless ploy to create backlinks here is my latest writing

How To Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

Also checkout my other articles on there

Article List

don't forget to comment, like, share on facebook and all the usual gubbins

The Idiots are Taking Over #ukriots

2011-08-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

Words cannot describe my feelings on monday night,lying in bed watching 24 hour news as fires burnt to the east, west and south of me, wondering how I would protect Mrs Evil should the door be kicked in during the night, trying to decide which roads would be safest should we take the decision to get out of London during the night, wondering if we had to ring 999 whether there would be anyone on the other end of the line. This is the reality of life in the UK in the 21st century, the streets have been taken over by Blairs children. These are the result of years of idiot social policy, of everyone's a winner sports days, of government intervention in the simple act of parenting.

Now is not the time to pussyfoot around, never mind why these youth have become so disengaged, we should be asking why are these youths not on the ground having their guts stomped out by riot police, why are these youths not having their doors kicked in at 5am and being bundled into police vans? One only has to watch the heartbreaking scene of the father of one of the people killed by hit and run in Birmingham talking to BBC news (in a much more dignified manner than most of us could muster) to understand why this madness needs to be stepped on fast.

So deploy baton rounds, deploy water cannon, lets make these thugs wish they has never been born.

Shameless Plug

2011-07-17T05:30:00.000-07:00

Here is a shameless plug for my new business Phonebox Productions. We are a video production company based in South London specialising in Showreels, Music Video, and video shorts for the web. For our best rates send us a brief outline of your project to info@phoneboxproductions.com or visit our website www.phoneboxproductions.com

Patricia Spottedcrow

2011-06-28T03:05:00.000-07:00

I read today with supreme sadness and empathy the tragic tale of Patricia Spottedcrow, a first offender jailed in Oklahoma for 12 years for the heinous crime of selling $31 worth of marijuana to an undercover cop. The gloriously bankrupt nation of the USA has decided in its wisdom to bill its taxpayers over $200,000 to incarcerate a young woman for selling a small amount of a plant that grows naturally in many parts of the USA, and deny her young family a mother for the next decade.

I don't wish to draw attention to the merits of legalisation or discuss the "war on drugs" (which seems to have been as successful as the "war on terrorism"), but rather to discuss what would be a reasonable sentence for this crime, and just how mental was recently deceased Judge Susie Pritchett - the person responsible for handing down this sentence?

Open letter to Governor Mary Fallin

Dear Governor,

I am writing to you regarding the case of Patricia Spottedcrow who you are no doubt aware was handed a 12 year jail sentence in January 2010 for selling $31 of marijuana. I realise you were not in office at the time of sentencing so I will reserve the majority of my vitriol for recently deceased Judge Susie Pritchett whom I would have been reluctant to employ as admin assistant in my business, let alone serve on the bench. Anyone who thinks that separating a young mother from her children for over a decade is a just punishment for this crime is clearly displaying flawed judgement and had she not passed away I would be calling for her immediate disbarment and investigation for misconduct in a public office which I believe is a felony in your state punishable by jail time, far more serious than selling a small amount of pot.

I urge you as governor to overturn this judgement as soon as humanly possible. It is a supreme injustice that this woman has already spent over a year in jail for a crime that would incur a fine and if your very unlucky a suspended sentence here in the UK and many other parts of the US. Judge Pritchett has done nothing here but to reinforce negative stereotypes of the southern states as a bunch of drooling slackjawed illiterate hicks, which as a former visitor to your great state I know not to be the case.

Do the right thing here governor and show the world how modern and progressive the great state of Oklahoma is by freeing this woman immediately. As a new governor you have the power to effect change, but be wary of blaming previous incumbents for todays problems. People get tired of it very quickly. Mr Obama is starting to find that out.

Yours Sincerely

Evil Monkey

If you want to contact Governor Fallin her details are as follows:

Governor Mary Fallin

Oklahoma State Capitol
2300 N. Lincoln Blvd., Room 212
Oklahoma City, OK 73105

E-mail: info@gov.ok.gov Local: (405) 521-2342 Fax: (405) 521-3353

Office Hours & Additional Information Tulsa Office of Governor Mary Fallin
440 S. Houston Ave., Suite 304
Tulsa, Oklahoma 74127

Phone (918) 581-2801
Fax (918) 581-2835

Open Letter To Lambeth Council

2011-02-12T05:31:00.000-08:00

I realised today that I sent an email to Lambeth Council the other day to challenge a parking ticket and left the URL for this blog in my signature. Normally I would remove this from official communications but its done now, if there is any such thing as a national database of dissenters I am sure I was put on it a long time ago.

If indeed you guys are reading this I have a couple of things I would like to say, and believe it or not this isn't going to be a rant about everything I think is wrong with how Lambeth operates, trust me it would take a couple of days to get all that out. Really what I want to say is I love each and every one of you. From the lowliest traffic warden to the highest paid council exec, you are all beautiful and unique human beings, the only one of you that will ever exist in history. you see my philosophy is hate the system, not the person. Underneath those ridiculous uniforms and name badges we are all the same, we all have the same fears and insecurities. When I shout at you down the phone or get stroppy with your staff in one of your buildings I'm not shouting at you, I'm shouting at the system and the frustration it creates in people.

The other thing I wanted to say was while you are going about your jobs, please stop and think once in a while about what you are doing, how the decisions you make impact on peoples lives because it is only for the grace of God that it isn't you having your library closed because a bunch of people you never even met broke the economy. While your at it have a look at the big picture of system you work in, how it measures, controls, taxes, and interferes with all our lives, and try to imagine a world where people just get along with people, organising themselves along the way. After all, that is what we all are, just men and women trying to get along.

Have a great day

Why Life Is Worth Living

2011-02-12T03:31:00.000-08:00

So here you find me, gentle reader, waking up on a Saturday morning with a bit of a fuzzy head, yet feeling philosophical enough to pull out the laptop and write. Last night I managed to complete the holy trinity of exceeding whatever the current safe limits are for daily intake of alcohol, tobacco, and kebabs, and the chances are I'll have done it all over again by the end of todays Manchester derby.

I think the point I am struggling to reach is that we only have a limited time on this planet and we should be making the best use of the time we have. Last night was nothing special, just a few friends meeting up to share some fun times, but it was a small part of the rich tapestry I like to call my life. In the words of Bill Hicks "non smokers die everyday", don't think that just because you stick rigidly to the states guidelines on safe drinking, eating, and breathing you somehow have a magical ticket to immortality, one day you're going to end up on a slab just as cold and rigid as the rest of us. Sure you might get a couple more years than the rest of us but its about quality not quantity. Of course if you want to live a puritan lifestyle because you aspire to great levels of health, fitness, and stamina then great, chase your goals and I wish you the very best of luck. Just don't be duped into it by a state that only wants to maximise your potential as a taxpayer.

We can expand this argument to the bigger picture, a whole life view if you will. One of the saddest stories I ever heard was when I was a young pup working as an agency driver between jobs. I spend a week driving for a small cardboard box factory and one day got talking to an old boy who worked in the warehouse. I can't remember his name but lets call him Stan. Turns out Stan's life story was essentially working in this factory, 30 years man and boy making boxes at the equivalent of minimum or next to minimum wage. Stan never married or had kids, and apart from the odd day trip to Llandudno never really travelled, his only real pleasure in life was a few beers in the pub at the weekend. I wonder if he was there last night, stood outside smoking his rollups in the freezing rain?

Of course Stan is from a different generation to me, when he started work a job was a job for life and aspiration and social mobility were rare things back then, however I often wonder whether Stan counts those 30 years as time well spent? As 30 years worth of cardboard decays in landfills does he look back on a wealth of happy memories? I suspect not. Trouble is Stans generation isn't all that different to my own, sure we change jobs from time to time but the fundamentals are still the same: leave school, get a job, get a big fucking loan from a bank to buy a vastly overvalued building to live in, spend the rest of your life paying for it, die, and have most of the value of the building you wanted to leave to your children taken back by the state.

So don't be like Stan. Whether you are a factory worker slowing going deaf from the noise of the machinery you work with, or in a high paid, high stress job in the city that will kill you of a heart attack at 50, take some time to look around you. The world is full of art, literature, music, film. Take time to travel to interesting places and meet interesting people, enjoy new life experiences whenever you can, start a family and watch them blossom but don't make the mistake of living through your young, live through yourself.

I suspect if Stan could have his time again he would never have taken that job at the cardboard factory though who knows? I'm sure there are many more out there like him. The life of a tax slave does at least have security, all the basic human requirements of nourishment and shelter are covered, and there is the social safety net. Your still a slave though.

Right my head hurts and I'm going back to bed.

lack of posts

2011-02-03T11:13:00.000-08:00

I realise its been a long time since I last posted to this blog but there is a good reason for this (actually this is a lie, I just couldn't be arsed but now feel the need to feed you a load of horseshit that goes something like this.....), the sheer volume of work and travel for work, and work related admin, and admin related work, and the dreaded tax return has left me with not enough hours in the day recently. But this is all about to change (or possibly not), one of my new years resolutions is to try and post at least once a week here, so if anyone actually ever reads any of this you are in for a treat. If you like reading utter codspunk that is...

#ukuncat

2011-02-03T11:00:00.000-08:00

So the rats are occupying number 10 again (I'll refrain from making the obvious puns here) and the debate is raging on the best way to deal with the pest problem (again biting my lip). Since 1997 when Cherie Blair gave Humphrey, the chief mouser to the cabinet his marching orders

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humphrey_(cat)

it has always been likely that rodents would move back into number 10 (I can't say it, its just too easy). Mrs Blair is clearly not a cat person (rather a rat person), however that humourless old cow is history and in these times of austerity surely it makes perfect sense for number 10 to take a more natural approach to pest control by bringing in a natural predator for the rodents they wish to dismiss (gnnnnkkkbitelipbitelip), rather than employ the offical pest control firm at a reported £4000 a year who allegedly are still to claim their first kill.

As far as I am concerned if you don't like (or at least tolerate) cats then you are not welcome to share my oxygen. So write to your MP, to the cabinet office, tweet, facerape, and myspunk everyone you know, and lets get a least one resident of downing street who is content to get on with their job without claiming for catnip and second litter trays.

#ukuncat

Coming Soon to a Nanny State Near You!!

2010-07-14T04:30:00.000-07:00

Check out the new craze from the far east!!! Those zany Japanese have now made it illegal to be fat! Yes you did just read that correctly, have a waist bigger than 33.5 inches for men and 35.4 inches for women and your company get fined and you get re-educated, oh how the statists love their re-education programmes.

http://www.healthnews.com/family-health/aging-getter-older/japanese-government-declares-war-fat-1221.html

Let just hope NICE aren't reading this.

Rogue nuclear state

2010-06-01T00:31:00.000-07:00

What happens when a state with a small nuclear arsenal goes rogue?
A state that attacks the shipping of a neighbouring country in international waters?
A state that controls it's population through persecution?
A state that ignores the UN and flouts international law time and again?
A state who's Borders are the subject of international dispute?
A state with overwhelming control over it's national media?
A state which regularly uses it's armed forces against it's civilian population?
A state that is regularly backed up by a superpower?
A state with one of the most ruthless secret police forces in the world?

What are we going to do about Israel?

Garbage Pail Kid

2010-05-30T15:29:00.000-07:00

I really really hate to gloat (OK not really) but I couldn't help reading this article without the feeling that poetic justice had been done.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1249209/Lotto-lout-Michael-Carroll-dole-squandering-millions.html

It seems one time lotto lout Michael Carroll is on his arse once again after blowing his entire 9.7 million pound fortune and living on £42 a week dole. £9.7 million for anyone else would be a life changing sum of money, whether you choose to invest, play the stocks, start a business, or just kick back in a sunny part of the world and live off the interest. Even the biggest dullards amongst us would be able to buy a string of rental properties and generate a six figure income via letting agencies, and still have enough left over for a race tuned Vauxhall Nova with full body kit. Michael Carroll on the other hand has managed to piss, sniff, gamble, and fuck his fortune away in a few short years, in his own words "The dealer who introduced me to crack has more of my lotto money than I do". Maybe in a few years when the novelty of being back on benefits and working as a bin man wears off he might kick himself for being so unbelievably stupid, I only hope his children can forgive him for squandering the future he could have given them.

I'm so Ronery

2010-05-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

Those of you who follow the world news will no doubt be aware of the current tensions bubbling up between North and South Korea. The sinking of a South Korean warship with the death of 46 South Korean sailors has drawn condemnation from the international community and were it not for the ongoing conflict in Afghanistan and North Korea's nuclear potential I am sure we would be seeing the USA pressing for a military solution.

It seems the actions of North Korean ruler Kim Jong Il defy all possible measures of logic. Here is a man who seems hell bent on causing as much trouble and being as provocative to the rest of the world as possible, while their traditional allies the Chinese are stood by scratching their heads not fully comprehending what their neighbours are up to. It is the Chinese who have the most to lose if things get ugly over there, as the fastest growing economy in the world and the largest manufacturing base in the world, and destabilisation of the region can only spell bad news for Beijing. when you consider the fact that China supplies North Korea with the vast majority of their energy, not to mention food, one has to wonder why they are not doing more to seek a solution to this crisis. They have the best diplomatic position, the best bargaining chips, and the most to lose, so what gives?

Meanwhile Kim Jong Il has taken the emergency nuclear crisis phone off the hook and is threatening military action against anyone trespassing on North Korean waters. The rest of the world is left wondering whether there are as yet unknown developments in the North Korean tip brass, whether the Chinese are in collusion and have something up their sleeves, or whether this is just the posturing of an old and sick man determined to leave his mark on world history.

I have to say though, given North Korea is a nuclear power, this is the best advert I have seen to spend the money on keeping our nuclear deterrent in tip top condition, and to all the people who called for the scrapping of Trident, if you think you can stop the million strong, nuclear backed North Korean army with lentils and humous then you are more than welcome to give it a try.

Everyone has to read this

2010-05-25T12:14:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a great deal of articles from the website Lawful Rebellion recently and this one I think should be read by everyone.

http://www.lawfulrebellion.org/2009/12/09/are-you-a-man-woman-or-neither/

The simple theme is the distinction between you as a man or woman, and you as a person, resident, taxpayer, or any other assortment of legal terms created to tie you into obeying legislation.

There is a growing movement of men and women (not people - its a legal term) researching how it is possible to live as a freeman or freewoman of the land under common law, and having the ability to challenge things like council tax, parking tickets and a variety of other "social contracts" that govern our lives. Remember, how can it be a contract unless you explicitly agreed to it in the forst place?

Democracy pillage

2010-05-25T00:50:00.000-07:00

Just listened to an interview with camilla parr of the 'democracy village' which has sprung up in parliament square. All I can say is I don't recall being given the option to vote for these idiots to dig up central london and play at protesting before going back to lectures next week so where is the democracy in that?

My favorite part had to be when she started ranting about the white dominated public school educated people in government. Well I just looked at the pictures of your little democracy slum and guess what I saw? That's right, most of the people were white and middle class so so much for your 'representative microcosm'. And as for the Bolshevik alliance or whatever you call yourselves with the red flags, why don't you try living in a communist country for a while and come back and espouse the virtues of bolshevism

or maybe it's time to grow up. Idiots.

Selfish fuckers

2010-05-25T00:09:00.000-07:00

I am now getting royally sick of striking ba cabin crew. We have millions on the dole and more losing their jobs every week. How they have the nerve to strike in the current economic climate is beyond me, we all have to make sacrifices so what makes you so fucking special? The average weekly wage for ba cabin crew is a little over £600 a week so it's not like they're on the breadline is it? I know plenty of people who wouldn't even dream of striking if they made that much money.

Normally I am not one to take the side of the big corporation over the workforce but at times a little realism has to creep in. Ba has just posted half a billion in losses and all willie walsh is trying to do is keep a struggling business together and save these twats from the dole queue.

So cabin crews, unite, and all your bullyboy wolfie smith shop stewards, why not try and help out keeping a struggling business together. You already have the best pay and conditions in the industry so how about counting your blessings. Or you can carry on striking until ba goes under, followed by a government rescue package at which point you all become public sector workers. And then you'll be fucked, enjoy your pay freeze fuckers.

Gary McKinnon

2010-05-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

Now this is a case I have been watching with some interest for a while, for those who don't know, Gary McKinnon is a computer hacker who is currently awaiting extradition to the United States where he is to stand trial for terror charges, specifically for hacking into NASA computer systems.

Now the first thing that becomes clear to anyone who has even a cursory glance at the facts in this case is that Gary McKinnon is not a terrorist. He is an individual who suffers from Aspergers syndrome, is a highly talented computer hacker, and has an obsessive interest in UFOs. The NASA hack was an attempt on his part to find information about extra terrestrials which he believed is being witheld from the public.

In the old Blairite tradition of bending over and spreading our nations cheeks whenever Uncle Sam comes knocking, former home secretary Alan Johnson did the absolute bare minimum to stand in the way of the USA's requests for extradition, an extradition which, if convicted, could see Gary imprisoned for 60 years. Thats right folks 60 years for a person with mental health issues having an unhealthy obsession with little green men. Of course in the finest traditions of the American legal system, this sentence has little to do with punishment and more to do with revenge. Revenge for a man who would stroll into the best defended computer systems in the world (one would hope) like he was strolling into his local Starbucks, revenge for humiliating the biggest military power in the world, revenge for making their computer security people the laughing stock of the world.

The latest twist in this tale is the intervention of new home secretary Theresa May who has put the case for extradition on hold while she reviews the medical evidence to see if he is even fit to be extradited. If successful we could actually see Gary tried in the UK (for a crime he committed in the UK - doesn't that sound like a no brainer?) and recieve a suitably light community punishment more befitting his crimes. Of course looking at the bigger picture this could redefine the "special relationship", perhaps if we in future are less willing to roll over and be America's bitch, then maybe our former colony, not to mention the rest of the world, might stop seeing us as the junior partner in this relationship.

Looks like we have already solved our immigration problem

2010-05-15T23:51:00.000-07:00

Here is a reply to a blog post I have just read

"godfathersoul • #10 • 14:27 on Tue, Feb. 3 • Reply

Ok ... it's like reason after reason after reason not to live there... My wife was applying to grad schools. London came up and all I could think of was this police state of england"

http://boingboing.net/2009/02/03/uk-to-introduce-phot.html#previouspost

so all we need to do to control imigration is to bring in many many more of these ridiculous laws and it should stop all together. I personally had no idea that other parts of the world regarded us a police state, just like most Americans don't realise the rest of the world hates them. I wonder if the rest of the world hates us? Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Killing Dogs to Save the Economy

2010-05-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

So the big news story today has been...............wait for it...............dogs. Apparently the first big step in bringing our budget deficit back under control is that we are now going to put down dangerous dogs as soon as they are deemed dangerous and not keep them alive while the owners appeal. Now I have no problem with the policy in itself, I am not a dog lover, and I am certainly not going to shed any tears over these ugly looking, snarling, furry weapons, or their ugly looking, snarling owners. You want to appeal? Then YOU pay for your dogs kenneling in the meantime, if you win you get your money refunded - can't say any fairer than that.

The policy here is not something I have a problem with, my problem is with the numbers involved. Apparently this new scheme will save the taxpayer 10-12 million pounds per year, well big fucking wow. As far as I am aware this country is currently in the hole for something in the region of 160 BILLION pounds, now what fucking good is 10 million going to be filling a hole like that? Don't get me wrong here, I am very much of the ASDA inspired opinion that every little helps but come on. Were 2 days into a new government that is going to save all our arses from financial armageddon and the fury of the Rothschild family, and this is the best they can come up with? This is the big news story, the start of all the cost savings to fix this sorry mess? 10 million? I'm sorry but they're going to have to do a lot better, let me give you a clue, look at everything Labour spent money on in the last 13 years, then either cancel it or sell it to the Belgians.

This did make me chuckle the other day

2010-05-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

Cleggeron

2010-05-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

What is it with people these days? Can't two people who are intrinsically linked in the public eye go about their business without some dimwitted "journalist" from OK or Hello magazine condensing their two names into some kind of bastardised abbreviation, like the people who read OK magazine are so fucking busy they don't have time to add an extra syllable to a sentence?

Its no coincidence that the kind of people who see fit to condense the names John and Edward into "Jedward" are also the kind of people who actually give a fuck who John and Edward are and what (if anything) they actually do.

Now I have noticed the name Cleggeron bandied about in the past couple of days and I hope to God it doesn't catch on. If we as a nation are going to start referring to our politicians in this way then its a sure sign the low brows, no brows, and illiterati have taken over. And I'm fucking off somewhere more cultured.

Missed the boat really

2010-05-13T10:45:00.000-07:00

Why oh why oh fucking why did I have to start a blog AFTER Gordon Brown resigns? The man is a bloggers wet dream. How I have howled with laughter time after time when the likes of Old Holborn and Obo the Clown poured scorn on his tubby form time after time after time.

Then as soon as I finally get off my ample buttocks and start a blog we are under the reign of Clegg and Cameron. Of course in the interest of fairness its still far to early to make any judgements on their performance as leaders but as figures of fun there is really very little to work with, they are so featurless and unremarkable they could have rolled off a production line in Germany. I suppose we will have to wait for the inevitable lovers tiffs to start before we can start properly lampooning Dr Evil and MiniMe. In the meantime, heres a picture of the missing link (cock)