Puck You!

A Champion's Message - A Repeat, and even more overdue.

2023-03-16T06:09:00.001-07:00

As is tradition in this league, the winner shares a few thoughts about the season, life, anything he damn well pleases. This year, Mitch Please GM Ryan Zupan successfully defended his title, and was thoughtful enough to share the below:

My cup runneth over, gentleman. So I won a goddamn ‘nother. Back to back, baby. Ass to ass.

Most you don’t know this, & will sadly never get to know it, but 2 cups perfectly fit 3 cans of beer. There is absolutely nothing in this world like cracking a holy trinity of pilsners, turning on the ole Connor & Leon show, & cutting down fridge trips by 33%. That energy savings goes straight into the Molson muscle. A sign of wealth, they say...measure your success in belt loops, not bank accounts.

On Halloween you can duct tape them on & be Edward Steinhands. Kids love it. During road trips cars will literally speed up to get pics of guy pulling trailer double fisting Anze the giants, ripping the hip & living the Canadian dream.

Mitch Please is buzzing. Boys are snapping it around. We’re eating fruit. Drinking green juices. Off the hooch & firing the sauce. The Russian wall is doing what the 2 best goalies in the world do & the man behind the curtain has assembled what very well should be the fortifying run of a dynasty. We’re gonna take 3. We’re gonna go for 4. We’re getting cups for all the king’s horses & all the king’s men by the time this core hangs up the jocks.

Speaking of jocks, you perverts let me know anytime you wanna come sniff the champ’s.

In all seriousness, Mitch Please rules. Also, be better.

In actual all seriousness, thanks for the banter you goddamn degenerates, thanks for the unsolicited takes, the bad jokes & even worse examples of human character you’re pumping out on the daily. Thanks for telling me how much you all worship the Oilers & funneling a never-ending stream of reasons not to do any actual work throughout the week. The Zupermensch have love for you all, which is weird considering I’ve taken more shits in Cabo today than hours spent with some of you in person.

Gaunt, we’ll always be thinking of ya buddy. Enjoy the view up there & laugh it up at all our disgusting behaviors & horrible GM moves. We’re a cesspool of humanity. Anywhere but this league is a better place so rest easy & send a little sugar down ole Mitch Please’s way. I’d sure love to bookend the Anze chapter & welcome the Gaunt Cup into eternity. The “Gaunt handshake.” Gripping the cup for the 1^st time & touching Elysium.

Life’s short boys. Make it count today. Zupermensch out.

Playoff Preview: Round One

2023-03-14T01:03:00.003-07:00

It is that time of year again, springtime. After a hard winter, the hardiest of life is shaping into form. As in life, fantasy hockey is no different. The league has culled the complete losers, and the remaining teams will now battle it out for the Gauntlet.

Spring is personified with change, and this year, that change is bittersweet. No longer the Anze Cup, the championship has a new name in honor of The Krakheads former GM, Mike Gaunt. Everyone knows Mike as a lover of prime rib and red wine who could give as well as he could take. The thing I will always remember about Mike is he read every single word of every single Harry Potter book to his son as his son was growing up, and how Mike said it changed his relationship with his son. I’m glad he was able to beat cancer back, if only for that period of time.

Welcome Rick Grady as the new GM of the Krakheads, you have big shoes to fill.

It’s an exciting time. Significant others of those still in the playoffs get to hear just a little bit more every day about something they could not care less about. And with that, lets look at the first round matchups.

1. Mitch Please versus 8. Zero Hit Wonder (Regular season record: 13-12 for Zero Hit Wonder)

Is there a more apt name for the team managed by GM Ryan Schauble? Low risk, low reward, that team is about as interesting as a treasury bond and like a long-term treasury bond, as the world changes it becomes a liability. This year was different, believe it or not. All but two starters in the top 150 (more than Mitch Please, btw). So where has it all gone wrong? Schawful management. Six goalies on the roster. Six. The best bench player on offense is ranked 251. There are over 25 players who are healthy and available ranked higher. And to top it all off, this team started a player with one knee this week. Doomed to fail. Another year, zero impact. Mitch Please continues to roll on winning the President’s Trophy for best regular season performance. Like any top team other teams will step their game up just a bit to beat this team, but this week that other team won’t have enough. There are whispers of dynasty when this team comes up in one-way conversations between league GMs and their significant others. Paymon just rolls his eyes because Jesse won’t shut the fuck up and play the role of big spoon quietly.

Prediction: Mitch Please over Zero Hit Wonder – 8-6-2

2. The Krakheads versus 7. Anzoolander (Regular season record: 7-7)

Veterans and average goaltending, two teams built very similar. One built methodically, one built sacrificing the first three rounds of the draft next year. Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook has proven this year his roster building skills through trades are on par with his drafting skills. Maybe the least interesting of all matchups, two teams of players who are past their prime, grinding it out. Teams like these two rely on one thing; volume. The more games, the better the chances. With that, I like Anzoolander in this matchup with 4 more games this week.

Prediction: Anzoolader over the Krakheads – 8-5-3

3. Hellcunts versus 6. Suck My Deke (Regular season record: 14-12 Hellcunts)

If I never hear another word about Tage Thompson I will be a happy man (my pronouns are fuck you/fuck that/fuck off). Hellcunts have a great offensive team. So does Suck My Deke. GM Jody Evans went all in before the trade deadline, selling the future to buy immortality. I love it. I expect the winning team in this matchup to have a GAA of about .650. Awful goalies both of them but as Mike Gaunt once said, “goalies don’t matter.” So we have two teams that will be emotional roller coasters the whole week. It's funny how like dogs, fantasy hockey teams often reflect their owners.

Prediction: Suck my Deke puts up a good battle, but Hellcunts are too prolific on offense, with Hellcunts winning 7-6-3

4. Blades of Steel versus 5. Jesse Loves Paymon (Regular season record: 14-13, Blades of Steel)

Not to diminish other players on Blades, but isn’t the first thing everyone look at on this team is how many games McDavid has (it is three, one against Seattle, which has an average goals against per game of eleventy)? GM Luke Mackinnon continues his ways of making successful trades to round out his roster and this season was no different. The standings probably mask how deep this team is. Conversely, Jesse Loves Paymon GM Steve McIntyre has built a boring team that is exactly in the standings where it should be. The only way this even appears close is if Otter has a good week (which has been rare since he was traded) and JLP picks up some goalie categories.

Prediction: Otter does pick up some goalie categories, and it looks closer than it is. Blades of Steel wins 9-4-3

Good luck to everyone.

A Champion's Message, Long Overdue

2021-12-05T07:13:00.003-08:00

As a result of multifactor authentication hell, forgotten past words, unrecognized devices, and generally fuckery on behalf of myself, we FINALLY have the Champions message to share. At least he got his Anze Cup somewhat timely. Enjoy this bit of poetry from defending champion, Mitch Please's Ryan Zupan:

There are few key moments in a man’s life that he takes to his grave & savors with the final exhale… his first beer, first bang, first threesome, first tag team threesome, his first time out with Combo, first fish, first kill, first Swedish kill, first Asian kill, first kill in a hot tub on the field of an Edmonton Eskimos game (don’t cancel!), and at the top of the list, the first championships…

With some men the list of wins fills up an entire lifetime that’s relived & savored like a dripping piece of brisket on a Sunday smoke sesh. With some men that final moment has enough wins to last for eternity. Some call it heaven.

For the 13 degen GMs who lay beneath Mitch Please, on their death beds they shall see this face when they scroll past 2021. The face of a champion:

Winners fucken win, boys.

14 GMs, one cup. I like my cups Anze’d, hows about you?

I actually felt bad so splurged & got you all one of your own:

It took a global pandemic to take last season’s championship run from me (and I will most certainly be etching 2020 onto this year’s cup, you can bet on that). This season, not even the Fauci fiends themselves could stand in the way. I’ll take my coronas.. WITH A LITTLE BIT A' LIME IN MY ANZE BABY.

Consider this, the Deutsch dangler Leon (the Professional) Draisatl & Meeeech Mahnah, franchise cornerstones, were picked up off the goddamn waiver wire. Whaaaaat a bunch of idiots. Jerry Seinfeld once said, ‘Adjacent to refuse is refuse.’ I am here today to tell you that I ate that éclair & lllllloved every minute of it. The only refuse here IS the 13 GMs who will watch me guzzle pilsners from this beauty for the next lifetime.

Shout out to the greasy cogs who keep this trash machine churning. Except you, Court. You suck.

This cup shall never runneth over (because I drink like a goddamn man & stay on top of that shit).

-Z

The Champion’s Message, Finally.

2019-11-09T19:50:00.001-08:00

Every year, as is tradition, the champion of our league addresses all the losers. Our current champion, Hatrick Swayze’s Todd Toothill, did as much as that in April. However, I am have been tardy in posting it, because I don’t have time and have lost interest in this blog and league. So, without further adieu, here is Todd’s deep thoughts:

Sweet Victory indeed. Each and every one of you should be very proud of your accomplishment this year. You battled hard all year, and in the end, was a very successful season.

I’m of course talking to the players on the Championship roster of Hatrick Swayze, and not you loser GMs. You guys are terrible.

As I reflect on the year it was, the path to winning pretty much followed my path in life. That is, do the absolute least to get the absolute most. The definition of Value Based Success:

Overtake the Chumps in the final week of the season for First place; Just enough.
Nudge out the Silverchips in round 1 with an 8-6 victory, losing G,A,P,+/-,PPG,PPA; Just enough.
Beat Anzepoolander on the final day of the semis 8-5, losing every goalie category except starts; Just enough.
And in the finals, inching by on meaningless categories to secure victory 8-4;

Just enough.

Imagine if I put any time and effort into this thing at all, what we could accomplish? 9-3! 10-2! Sky’s the limit I say, but please GMs, continue doing what you’re doing as I much prefer to win in the style I’ve become accustomed to. And by the way, I know what you’re thinking. Thinking of calling me the “L” word. But you’re wrong, it’s not lazy, it’s selective participation.

As I was looking for inspiration in writing this Champion’s Message, I happened to take a gander at last year’s message. As I waded through the grammar inconsistencies and lack of parallel structure, I happened across this little nugget:

“*Side note: It makes me wonder what the over/under would be on when the most confident fantasy hockey GM ever to grace us with his presence wins his first Anze Cup; When can GM Hattrick Swayze put together a winning team, or will he just continue with the trend of playing with fantasy AIDS? #winning”

The answer, Luke, is Under. The fastest GM victory in the history of Puck Yourself from start date (not including the first 4 years of the league of course). Suck on that, and for fuck sakes, can you please find yourself a good team name. How about this one:

And, as I make my way off the parade float, some parting shots to a few of my fellow Puck Yourself combatants:

ChingChongBingBong: Hey! Look at you! You made your first post season appearance in a decade (or more??)! Thanks to that stellar couple of weeks that Markstrom got you, you made it in. And if I recall correctly, that was a trade that you and I made. So while other GM’s (Luke) take advantage of the meek, your champion boosts them up. You’re welcome, Bert, for helping you achieve your goals. And you’re also welcome, rest of league, for creating parity.

Everett Silvertips: Thanks for all you do in running this great league. Kudos on a job…done.

Hellcunts: Jesus what happened to you. No really, what happened. You used to be fun. Now you’re just, done.

Philosopher Mcdavid Chumps: Somebody help this team find a name. Anybody. Can’t wait for the lunch. Where in Vancouver can you get Wagyu Steak again?

Anzepoolander: Ape.

All jokes aside, thanks for letting me be part of this league, it’s a ton of fun with awesome owners, and I look forward to doing next to nothing next year whilst sipping from the Anze Cup!!

Swayze out.

Great stuff.

JM

The Season Starts Now

2019-03-03T23:17:00.001-08:00

Welcome to the beginning of the Anze Cup playoffs, or the beginning of the fantasy hockey season if you aren’t a loser. The matchups are set (I think) and the stakes are high; 5 of the 8 teams in the playoffs have never had the honor of raising the Anze Cup, and this year might be the year one of them enters the halls of immortality. Lets take a look at the first round playoff match ups:

1. Hatrick Swayze versus 8. Everett Silvertips (Regular season record: 20-6-10 for Hatrick Swayze)
I don’t expect this matchup to be close. Swayze GM inherited a playoff caliber team, drove it into the ground, and through complete luck, has built the President’s Trophy winner. Two of his luckiest moves include drafting perpetually underwhelming Elias Lindholm, who suddenly found Jesus on the ice, and, ironically, getting Kucherov for a box of cracker jacks from, ironically, the Everett Silvertips. Hatrick has deftly taken advantage of the rental concept to build a team stronger than he would have ever been capable of doing, and this is his one shot. The Everett Silvertips are old, tired, washed up, and probably have some sort of organ failure. They are basically the Nick Nolte of this league. Sad.

Prediction: Over before it starts, Hatrick sleepwalks in the next round winning 12-2-4. Halifax Highlanders GM Dave Dugan cries a bit, regretting giving up a stacked team many moons ago.

2. Mitch Please versus 7. Anzoolander (Regular season record: 17-9-6 for Anzoolander)
Perennial powerhouse Anzoolander limps into the playoffs going up against a team that is turning it on. None of that matters, wanna know why? Mitch Please GM Ryan Zupan is an Oilers fan. If there is one thing the Oilers and their fan base know how to do, it is misuse immense talent and lose. This is going to be a close battle, but I smell an upset. Or is that the oil sands. Either way, Alberta sucks.

Prediction: Anzoolander “upsets” Mitch Please 7-6-3.

3. The Champs versus 6. Captain Slanty Eyes (Regular season record: 7-5-4 for The Champ)
At this point Slanty Eyes zipperhead of a GM Bert Fong has done so much to help The Champs’ GM Luke Mackinnon that I would not be surprised if Bert just benches his team this week. I think Bert has a real shot, only because The Champ is coming into the playoffs as arguably the coldest team (and by arguably, I mean obviously. Nice President’s Trophy collapse). I am eager to see the outcome of this one. Also, it would be absolutely hilarious if Bert wins a playoff round, especially against his Trade rapist. That would be justice. Hashtag me too.

Prediction: Captain Slanty Eyes with the upset, 7-6-3.

4. Halifax Highlanders versus 5. Three off the Tee (Regular season record: 9-7-0 for Three off the Tee)
Halifax Highlanders GM David Dugan managed to take a perennially awful team and turn them into a playoff team his first year back in the league (welcome back, btw). Three of the Tee GM has been tantalizing close to the Anze Cup, usually at his brother-in-laws watching Jesse drink out of it, but still. The first thing that jumps out at me for both teams is absolutely nothing. I mean it, neither team is remarkably and they are both middle of the road. I am picking the winner of this matchup based on the smell of my fart I am about to let out; rotten egg to Halifax Highlanders, vomit/shit mix to Three off the Tee.

Prediction: Man that was a warm one. Smelled like an abandoned chicken coop in Chernobyl. Halifax Highlanders win it, 8-4-4.

For the rest of you losers, congratulations on sucking balls. Except you Jody, welcome. Hope you enjoyed it and expecting big things out of you in the future. For all of you bums, here is your draft picks for next year, as well as dues owed this year. YOU HAVE TWO WEEKS TO PAY ME VIA PAYPAL at PUCKYOURSELF AT LIVE DOT COM. Failure to pay will result in a drop in the draft order by one place. On PayPal, select send money to a friend, and if paying by credit card, you absorb the credit card fees, not the league. As always, each team gets a certain number of balls in the lottery depending on their finish, as stated in 7.2 of the League Charter:

Draft Pick	Team	Dues Owed
1	Super Sperm (had 19 balls)	$71.50 USD
2	2 Bills 1 Barzal (had 24 balls)	$62.80 USD
3	Lokomotiv 2138 (had 14 balls)	$85.05 USD
4	Hellcunts (had 29 balls)	$101.00 USD
5	Fresh Action (had 9 balls)	$63.00 USD
6	Jesse Loves Paymon (had 5 balls)	$64.50 USD

Thank you all. Best of luck to those in the playoffs.

JM

Another Season in the Books

2018-03-26T18:27:00.001-07:00

What an Anze Cup Final. What started out looking like a boring blow out did a complete 180, and the Combo Classic Champs came roaring back to utterly dominate Anzoolander. I don’t think i have ever witnessed such a disparity in fantasy hockey management skills. The better team won. More importantly, the better GM won. Well done Luke.

And with that, here is the traditional letter from the Anze Cup Champion, Luke “Iambic pentameter is my spirit animal” Mackinnon:

At last . At long last.

I hear the beers just taste better when drinking from an Anze Cup. This is something that I am really, really, really, looking forward to. The other thing would be that moment when GM Poolander starts to boast about his cups, and how delicious the cold beer goes down in them … now I will sit smugly with my own pint and say “yes… yes indeed Poolander.” One of the best things this league has done is to allow Champions to keep their crowns.

When I came into this league, I thought to myself, ‘what a bunch of chumps – this should be easy… what could an Asian, a Texan, a couple of over the hill Americans, some arrogant rich kid, and an Ape, possibly know about fantasy hockey. A couple of years later and a couple of first place finishes but getting the boot in the playoffs, was becoming frustrating to say the least.* Not as easy as it might seem. What has made up for it is the witty banter and night time reading I get from the WhatsApp chat… that alone makes this pool worth being a part of. You are a good group of characters, and I love being in this hockey pool!

*Side note: It makes me wonder what the over/under would be on when the most confident fantasy hockey GM ever to grace us with his presence wins his first Anze Cup; When can GM Hattrick Swayze put together a winning team, or will he just continue with the trend of playing with fantasy AIDS? #winning

via GIPHY

When I look back at this year’s draft, I begin to wonder how this was the year. I see what a disaster I made of the draft. Seriously disgusting. Most of my picks did not make the final roster, and I only had one trade all year long that I can remember. My keepers carried the weight, like they should, leading to being undefeated in the last 7 weeks of the year. My goalies went 13 wins in 15 games in the playoffs. I stole the PPP categories from my opponent’s grasp.

The only team worth the battle this year is the team I met in the finals, as it should be. Kudos to GM Cook and his Poolander squad. 3 GWG, 1 SHG, and 2 shutouts, all by day two is a heck of a way to start the week. My team knew what was on the line, and they were relentless every night in their comeback effort. Watching Mcdavid get 10 points in the week, and take over the NHL scoring race was something else to watch. Mcdavid for President. Combo Classic Champs for life.

GM Mackinnon out, and open for business. Who wants a champ on their team?

Great stuff Luke, enjoy those cold beers.

The Championships are here.

2018-03-19T09:40:00.001-07:00

This is it, the Anze Cup finals. The two teams in the finals are hardened warriors, going through the gauntlet to get here. The teams knocked out in the playoffs, congratulations, your reward is zero praise, worse draft picks than if you missed the playoffs, and nobody will remember a damn thing about you. Not dissimilar to your life.

As always, lets get started with a good championship week speech, probably what Jesse is giving his team right now:

Now lets go over to see what Luke is saying to his team:

And with that, lets look at the two teams in the finals:

Fat Ugly Version of Anze Kopitar aka Anzoolander:

The President’s trophy winner looks for his third title and has brought a cast of characters that are in pure veteran all-star mode. With an average age of 35 (estimated) this team is looking to go out as a dynasty before imploding from old age. In an unprecedented move, GM Jesse Cook is starting three d-men, going for volume versus stats. Granted, this is the same person that basically failed Grade 12 math, so lets do a quick calculation based on the last 14 days’ stats.

0.51 average points x 4 games = 2.04 points

0.83 average points x 3 games = 2.49 points

Final answer = Palmieri > Ekman-Larsson.

Hope it works out for you. Also, who doesn’t want Luongo to win something? Anything. Love that guy, I am routing for you.

Henry McDavid Thoreau aka Cryrant aka Combo Classic Champs

Luke Mackinnon has finally made the Anze Cup finals, after being eliminated in the semifinals the past two years and losing in the Anze Cup finals three years ago. This team is stacked, and should be considered the heavy favorite. But lets look at a few numbers:

.885, .893, 882.

Martin Jones’ last three games. Other than Ben Bishop, the biggest headcase among starting goalies in the NHL. Coupled with the fact that the other goalie is a Russian, and Russians fold like ~~over-payed primadonnas~~ cheap suits, the goalie categories may be a cause for concern in the finals. Granted, goalie categories are only 33% of the total scoring, but the more you have to lean on your offense to cover for your defense, that is always a risk. But Cook is starting three D-men, so I am sure it is fine:

Prediction:

A repeat of the 2014 finals. Last time they met this season, Anzoolander dominated and guess what? Cryrant put up absolute dumpster fire stats in net, getting swept in the goalie categories. Yet, Anzoolander rode the “elite” skills of Josh Bailey, who has the exceptional talent of once being line mates with John Tavares. Bailey had 8 points that week, but has 5 in the last 12 games, which shows Garth Snow didn’t want to overpay him in the future, took him off Tavares’ line, and now he sucks.

So the last match isn’t really a proxy. My prediction is that Bad Poets Society comes out firing on all cylinders and dominates. The team is stacked and for this team to win it doesn’t need a lot to go right. Rather, to lose, it needs a lot of go wrong. That is an enviable position to be in, and is definitely an advantage. My final call is Sailing When They Should Be at Work wins 8-4-2 and a new Anze Cup Champion is born.

Best of luck gentlemen.

A Message from Our Champion

2017-04-12T11:07:00.001-07:00

Another season is in the books. Thanks to all of you who actively participated this season. And you too Dave.

With that, here is a the message from our Champion, Mike Gaunt, GM of the powerhouse Kane & she was Abel. As always, the message is only edited for spelling and grammar. Without further adieu:

I have made America great again.

The Anze Cup returns to the land of the free and non-birthplace of Barrack Obama.

So let’s dig in here to how/why/no fuckin’ way did he just win the Anze cup. I wrote my winning post back in 2009 and still holds true to today. Some of you dipshits should read it (Bert Fong):

http://puckyourself.blogspot.com/2009/11/word-from-our-defending-champion.html

I broke all the rules of common sense and was tabbed an idiot by Joe McGrath for not having any decent goalies. Goalie points are rigged to that it doesn't matter who plays goalie. Goalies are like running backs, dodo birds, and Dave Kitchen in this league. 16 total points each week 5 by goalies. You could play zero goalies in a week and still win 11-5. Only 8 goalies started 60 or more games this year out of 30 teams. Second stupid mistake that I do is having too many players on the same team. 3 Keepers from the Flyers, oh well. The irony is that if you held a lineup of my players in front of me I couldn’t even pick them out. I think Jakub Voracek is the guy on the right since he is wearing a uniform.

Lastly thank you to all of you in the league. You make hockey fun for this guy and I hope to god Seattle gets a team some decade. Lastly as some of you may know, I’m a cancer survivor and unfortunately it has come back. So in mid-July when I’m done with my chemo I will drink my first beer in over 16 weeks out of the cup, I can’t FUCKING wait.

Fuck Cancer.

JM.

The Playoffs!

2017-03-13T15:47:00.000-07:00

Welcome everyone to the 2017 Anze Cup playoffs. Except for the losers who didn't make it, you suck. Let's quickly address those teams:

Super Sperm - For the first time in maybe ever, GM Ryan Schauble was finally a seller, and boy, did he suck at it. One trade for very little. Hashtag rebuild. By 2024.

Update: Schauble pointed out he made two trades, which shows how bad he is at this with his unmemorable moves

Hatrick Swayze - Has taken a playoff caliber team to the cellar in just two seasons. Granted, this team has been decimated by injuries, but so have Anzoolander and Everett Silvertips (or at least, their GMs whine the most about it). My hats off on trying to change things up; offered Crosby, Anisimov, Toffoli, Kucherov and Carlson for Conner McDavid but was denied. If Henry McDavid Throreau doesn't win, that will be the reason.

Texans - Still don't know shit about hockey. Wild boar hunting season starts early this year. Let's do Ashcroft this year Tex.

Kanucks - Recently read that posting your workouts makes you a narcissistic asshole, which still doesn't explain why GM Dave Kitchen has been so bad for so long, it just explains why he is an asshole.

ChingChongBingBongs - Another year, another season of gifting players to Henry McDavid Thoreau. You the man. The Chinaman.

Connor McSaviours - I appreciate the effort GM Ryan Zupan has put in. If it didn't take him a week to respond to trade offers, this team might go somewhere. So it won't.

Thank you to all of the above for trying, now fuck off. With that, let's look at the first round matchups (regular season head to head in brackets):

1. Pistol's Hellcats vs. 8. Anzoolander (16-9-7...Hellcats!)

Both teams are limping into the playoffs, despite a throughly dominating President's Trophy win by Pistol's Hellcats. Despite some issues the Hellcats are having, I don't anticipate this match up to be very close; it took another miracle by the Wall just to allow Anzoolander to sneak in.

Prediction: the Hellcats avoid the President's Trophy curse, moving on and winning 9-2-5

2. Lokomotiv 2138 vs. 7. Me So Vyborny (7-5-4 to Loko Ono)

I think this match will be really close. I don't think either team has a chance at the Anze Cup, they each have more holes to plug than an orgy at the convent, but these teams match up well. I think goalies decide this one, and I think Me So Vyborny has the better options.

Prediction: Oh Me So Vyborny me love you long time (until next Monday). Advances winning 8-7-1

3. Kane and she was Abel vs. 6. Jesse Loves Paymon (10-4-2 for Kane)

Arguably the two worse teams in the playoffs. Jesse Loves Paymon plummeted from 1st to 6th in the second half of the season, and if it was any longer, probably would have missed the playoffs. The inability to do any significant trades by GM Steve McIntyre despite him proclaiming this year was the year he was going to make a run is all you need to know about Steve's GM skill. For Kane, the season started with GM Mike Gaunt complaining about the goalie scoring format being rigged, despite it not changing in 6 years, to basically conceding all goalie categories every week because the goalies are so bad. Fortunately, Kane has met its match in JLP, whose goalies are equally terrible. This will actually be close given the comparable awfulness.

Prediction: Kane doesn't get enough goalie appearances to be eligible for goalie scoring, and would have won 9-6-1 but instead loses 8-7-1 4.

Henry McDavid Thoreau vs. 5. Everett Silvertips (7-5-4 for Thoreau)

Probably two of the most intriguing teams this playoff run. In the near corner, Everett Silvertips ran the gauntlet the final four weeks to make the playoffs against four other playoff teams and beating the 1, 2 and 3 seeds in the process. The return of Eichel, Huberdeau, and Murray have made this team a force to reckon with, with this team's achilles being the very young and talented goaltending, which may go lights out or may not stop a beach ball. In the far corner, GM Luke MacKinnon has built a team that was on a torrid pace but slowed dramatically, though it may be coming back to life, thanks to the gifts this team received from the Kanucks and ChingChongBingBongs. Think this one will be a battle, but think the experience Henry McDavid Thoreau's roster has in the being a heavy favorite and losing every year in the Anze Cup playoffs will push it through. Don't think turning down the best player in the league and the hottest player in the league hurts this team..yet.

Prediction: Henry McDavid Thoreau waxes poetic all over the Silvertips' face, in what GM Luke MacKinnon hopes is only the beginning of the second verse of his Odyssey. Henry McDavid Thoreau wins 8-4-4.

Todd and Schauble, pay up you bums.

Power Rankings: Week 2

2016-10-26T15:57:00.001-07:00

Always excited for a guest contributor for these things as a fresh perspective only makes it better. With his first power rankings and bloody hymen, I present Ryan Zupan’s power rankings for this week:

I've got alotta problems with you people....

Let's begin this week by talking about rapists: ~~Donald Trump~~, ~~Bill Clinton~~, ~~most starters in the NBA~~, Luke Mackinnon. Time for some good ole fashioned slut shaming boys.

1. Henry Mc*name-which-shall-not-be-spoken-by-an-infidel* Thoreau (1)

Named for ‘Merca’s greatest pervert in the woods, Luke shares basically zero qualities with the great naturalist. Luke has not the calloused hands of the wise woodsman thinker, but the silky soft mitts of one who has never worked a day in his life. One who masturbates obsessively as if his slow beating heart depends on it. Instead of gathering logs to construct his 1 room mansion in the woods, Luke caresses the mossy egos of dead wood GMs before hacking them down (left)wing by (right)wing. Make ‘Merca great again. Flush the perverts out of the woods & back in the Oral Office where they belong. If you’re thinking about accepting a trade offer with this grade A wanker, do us all a favor & phone a friend.

Solid team & he has Connor. I hate him. Mess hates him. Everyone hates Luke.

2. Anzoomander (11)

On to numero dos, or in a language he's more familiar with, number 貳, a GM whose stock has previously fallen on suspicions of Carey hitting sloppy seconds behind PK's pussy parade & getting the HIV. Before Tom Hanks picks up the script, shaves his head & gasps for relevance starring in the real life movie, let's just remember that it's not 1993. It's 2016, when guys with aids can life a full life & Anzoomander, in the wake of a foreign tax that has shut his Rolodex out of the market, now has all the free time in the world to invest in his fantasy management. Business is fucked, & so are we. Mike Green for the win.

3. Super Perm (7)

The perm is strong with this one. Some big guns up front, one of the best d-men in fantasy hockey in PK Zupan & a goalie in Rinne you can build a team around. But as we know, all good things come to an end & in the case of Henrik & his Swedish Berry bum buddy Loui, that end came in 2012. If those nuggets of socialist trash are still on the roster by Christmas, splooge better start eying up prospect reports.

Aside: does PK in a cowboy hat remind anyone else of Cleavon Little?

4. Me So Vyborny (4)

Big week offensively & the goaltending held strong. Absolutely fleeced Court for Tuukka Rask & that alone is good for a bump in the rankings. A bit weak on the back end but making a movement for youth this year at the draft just might offset the aging core.

My vote for the greatest (non-McDavid related) team name.

5. Jessie Loves Gaymon (3)

If this league has taught us anything, it’s to sit back & let other pitiful GMs do the work for you. This past week, for example, JLP just tipped back the recliner & watched the McSaviour’s stellar goaltending (wasted away on his bench) & offensive explosion of David Perron (also wasted on his bench) seep down the drain while cashing in on a 9-5 win. Andersen is the new Jonathan Bernier & Louis Domingue sounds more like a Puerto Rican shortstop than a top tier goaltender. This team has problems, people, but like the US dollar, will benefit only on account of his peers being even more inept.

6. Purgatory Pussies AKA Hellcats (2)

Pete was actually going to be 8^th but sent me 5 deals this week. I love Pete. Pete is the greatest.

7. Texans (9)

In case any of you missed this past weekends current events, Tex & Cookie got all dressed up on the weekend. Here is a pic:

8. Lokomotiv (6)

All aboard the Cole Train. Some old mamma jammas on this roster but any team with Corey Crawford is just on injury away from being downright terrible.

9. Kane & She Was Abel (8)

Kane & She Was Abel? More like, lead this GM out behind the stable. Kane came into the draft with zero goaltenders & left with… zero goaltenders. The pride of Sherwood Park, Cam Ward, played his last great period in game seven of the 2006 Stanley Cup final when they stole the cup from my Oilers. The only saving grace on this team is Patrick Kane & big man Buf. Sorry, I meant to say the only saving grace on this team was that he played Hatrick Swayze.

10. Hatrick Swayze (5)

How does a GM who inherits one of the greatest players & goalies in the game do so poorly? To find an answer to this question, I resorted to googling, “Todd Toothill” to find out what makes this jamoke tick. I strongly encourage you to do the same. There really are some gems no sooner found than on the first page. The greatest:

What a tool

I say, “the greatest,” because it's great to know Todd can actually read. We have to assume he’s reading of course, but the stilted, Siri-like rambling could only come from one whose mind is struggling to organize one written word after another. Stay in school kids. Wear helmets when playing contact sports & pull back the q-tip when you feel resistance. You’ll all be fine.

11. Ching Chong Bing Bong (14)

I’ll tell you what I like about the Chinese. They’re hanging in there with the chopsticks, aren’t they? You know they’ve seen the fork…

These words of wisdom ring true when you look at Bert’s roster. He’s seen what good young players can do, yet he still went old school. Guys like Iginla, Vanek, Purcell, Miller, Kronwall… his only hope is to wait for trade rape, then pray the league gets infected with whatever suck has diseased his roster & they all beat him to the death bed.

12. Silvertits (13)

Court is one goaltender away from being a contender. Perhaps Court can find that goaltender & place him in the empty roster spot Jonathan Huberdeau left behind. Ironically enough, Huberdeau is who Court got back in return for trading away Vezina winning goaltender Tuukka Rask. For a sonovabitch so hellbent against handouts, Cunt sure does a good job of spreading the wealth.

13. Kanucks (12)

Brian Elliot. I love the Flames. May their entire team rot in the deepest rung of Dante’s hell from the heavenly light of St Connor.

14. McSaviors (10)

Taking the boobie prize for best worst team management is this guy. Playing Talbot to eat his six goal loss to the Sabres & benching him to miss the redemption that followed. Benching Perron to miss his hattie & missing out on O’Reilly’s four point explosion. Just fucking kill me already.

This team needs prayers every night, major injuries to key players on other teams & breakout performances from everyone is his squad. That’s it. That’s all that’s keeping the McSaviors from excelling without their rightfully owed namesake. But as that ole pervert Thoreau used to say something about getting lost to figure out what you’re about. Well, gentlemen, I'm a far way from home & beginning to understand. I am just fucking brutal.

Great stuff, thank you for the contribution. JM.

Power Rankings: Week 1

2016-10-14T00:57:00.001-07:00

Welcome back fuckers! Another year of hockey. I don’t know about you, but I am ecstatic. So many great story lines this year: How bad are the Canucks (terrible)? What talented young player will the toxic wasteland that is Edmonton destroy this year (all of them, to some extent)? How many points with the go fuck yourself Edmonton line in St. Louis get and how will they rub in their Stanley Cup win (a lot, and probably by mooning)? Was keeping rookie Hellebuyck a wise move (probably)?

The draft was exciting, with some surprises, and a little bit of tradition (Cole Ballard and Ondrej Pavelec are like Jenny and Forrest). Without further adieu, lets get to the first power rankings of the season.

1. Henry McDavid Thoreau

Another year, another shitty name

A used car salesman, always playing the game

Ignoring the team name, I will call them this

Luke won’t see my friendship shining through, and will assume I am taking the piss

His team is deep, his second last pick was a 28 goal scorer named Skinner

At the end of the season, I am thinking winner, winner, chicken dinner.

2. Pistol’s Hellcats – Out of the gates hot, as usual. But just like Pete, once you get close, you realize there are some serious flaws. Mainly, this team has one starting NHL goalie, and only two d men. Lundqvist is done. Those are real problems.

3. Jesse Loves Paymon – Putting this team at third because they have to be in the top 3 just based on the fact they had eleventy draft picks in the first four rounds of the draft. Only thing is, looking at this team, does anyone think this team is going to win? Anyone?

‘crickets chirping’

I thought so.

4. Me So Vyborny – If dumb fuck GM Matt Meier spends a bit of time paying attention to his roster, I think this team is actually quite good. Some sneaky good picks in the draft, and not being stupid enough to give away his first pick overall to Steve McIntyre has put this team in a good spot. Keeping one of your best players on the bench opening week and watching him score four goals in one game, not so much.

5. Hatrick Swayze – Not sure having someone with AIDS is the best mascot in the world, but whatever. GM Todd Toothill gets a lot of slack for keeping a third string goalie as his rookie keeper, but I like the move. I also don’t know what I am talking about most of the time, so there is that. A concussion to Crosby is a major concern, as well as Quick going down, but overall, solid team.

6. Lokomotiv 2138 – Think I like this team, but it needs some aggressive moves by GM Cole Ballard. Moves that don’t include Ondrej Pavelec. Weak at the wings, strong on D. Make some good moves, and this could finally be the year. I do think this team will regret dropping Elias Lindholm.

7. Super Sperm – Slowly moving on from the power house core it once had but is now so old. This team is a perfect example of how to become irrelevant by making few free agency moves and no trades over the past few years.

8. Kane & She Was Abel – I look at this team and I see the best team in the league. If we were in 2006 to 2013. But we aren’t.

9. Texans – This team is probably better than this, but is getting so badly crushed that optically it was hard to put them any higher. This team could be really good, but, just like any real NHL team, can’t be taken seriously with Kris Russell getting playing time.

10. Connor McSaviors – Speaking of not being taken seriously, welcome to Zoopland, where your team is named after someone not on your team, and you start a goalie who plays for the Oilers by choice and not out of necessity. Good luck this year. You need it.

11. Anzoolander – Last time an Anze Cup Champion missed the playoffs was also the last time we had a back to back champion. There is a very realistic chance that could happen again this year. You could take Samjeet out of the local 7-11, throw some skates on him, and put him in your local rec league as a d-man and he would be just as valuable to this fantasy hockey team as the d-men currently on this team. Combined. It has been a great run, too bad it is end in such a painful fashion.

12. Kanucks – Name a player on this team without looking at the roster. I dare you.

13. Everett Silvertips – Team has no chance. Terrible management, terrible luck, you name it, this team has it. Fantasy Hockey AIDs. That is what this team has. Stay far, far away.

14. ChingChong BingBongs – Will probably sit here until GM Bert Fong makes his next trade with Luke; and which time the team will be ranked 15th. Anyone else think Bert should get a cut of Luke’s winnings? I would normally say 50/50 split, but think in this case, 60/40 for Bert to give him the credit he is due for making Henry McDavid Thoreau such a power house.

I love all of you.

Champion’s Message

2016-04-24T21:09:00.001-07:00

Another year is in the books, and for the second time in league history, we have a back-to-back champion. Well done to Anzoolader on this impressive feat, and well done to Philsopher King’s for getting worse.

Without further adieu, I present the final message of the season from Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook, the Anze Cup Champion:

What is better than one Cup? Two Cups obv.

Three Ane Cup Finals in a row and back-to-back Anze Cup Championships has solidified Anzoolander as one of the elite Fantasy Hockey GM's of all-time.

Who would of thought with no picks until the 4th round and Carey Price on the IR the entire season that there was even a chance to make the playoffs, let alone win? Well, Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook did because his team is full of winners, including NHL All-Star Game MVP John Scott.

The core of Kopitar, Benn, Toews, Stamkos and Price will remain intact, however, it was the emergence of young superstars in Kuznetsov, Gallagher, Gibson and Panarin that paved the way for yet another Anze Cup.

There were some fantastic first round match-ups this year with most going down to the wire. If Hatrick Swayze GM Todd Toohill wasn't a retard and had kept Kris "with a mothafucking K" Letang instead of David "I'm old and terrible at hockey" Backes he might have upset the great Anzoolander. But he didn't. And got smoked.

The semi finals were also close where Luke "I spend all day thinking about fantasy hockey and not working" Mackinnon lost to his boss, Chris "I have 20 of the first 22 picks and still almost missed the playoffs" Thomas. You gotta let your boss win, especially when he has 489 guns because he's aTexan.

Loko ran out of steam as the powerhouse that is Anzoolander flexed its muscle when needed and rolled into the finals the heavy favorite in the brother-in-law finals. Loko does have a very very very good shot at winning the Stanley Cup bet this year though....that team is stacked and I heart John Carlson.

Stamkos decided to make things interesting by intentionally having a blood clot to even the playing field in the finals. So, the newly picked up Silfverberg needed to remain hot and The Bread Man needed to keep up an insane pace. The match started off with a big Tuesday for Anzoolander, however the Texans were still close throughout the week until Anzoolander decided to lay the smack down on Saturday night with a monster evening which secured most categories. Still, Ghost Bear made it really interesting with a PPG to start the night off on Sunday but it was too little too late....goodnight Irene.

If you didn't make the playoffs you aren't worth mentioning as you are literally terrible human beings.

Some quick thoughts on the Top 8:

- Jesse Loves Paymon - you should spend less time on all fours taking it from Paymon and more time finding one goalie that isn't terrible.

- Kane and She was Abel...Hellcats!

- Philoph....terrible fucking name

- Hatrick Swayze...no clue what he is doing...its as if Stevie Wonder is running this team

- Lokomotiv....Carlson for your next 10 first rounders. Book it.

- Hellcats - The King is dead and your keepers are marginal at best.

- Texans - your team is the best of the losers.

Finally, thank you to Stupid Court for running such a fabulous league and pretending you spend zero time watching games when we all know you are full of shit. Also, thanks for making hilarious trades for marginal keepers such as Claude Giroux who you feel is better suited somewhere else and in his place, some guy I don't even know but hear he plays D for the Avs. Nice job. You suck. Burn.

The Anze Cup will remain in the hands of Anzoolander once again and located on a shelf much too high for Pete to reach even if he wanted to try and steal it.

Have a good summer lads, see you next season, and....Hellcats!

For those who don’t check Whatsapp and use an random email for yahoo, the draft order for the 2016-17 season is as follows:

1.	Me So Vyborny
2.	Kanucks
3.	Connor McSaviors
4.	ChingChong BingBongs
5.	Everett Silvertips
6.	Super Sperm
7.	Pistol's Hellcats
8.	Jesse Loves Paymon
9.	Hatrick Swayze
10.	Philosopher King
11.	Kane & she was Abel
12.	Lokomotiv 2138
13.	Texans
14.	Anzoolander

Order was set using Draftlotto.com and the probabilities specified in the league charter. You can view results here.

Also, be on the lookout for voting on league awards this season, but in the mean time, please take the time to vote on the following league items that could impact the upcoming season and next year’s draft lottery”

Revisiting the four starting d-men roster change; after a couple of years, a vote on whether we want to keep it long term
Changing the draft for teams that finished 3-8 from a mini lottery to a fixed order based on finish, not considering consolation round, and a tie breaker for team eliminated in the same round being the overall regular season records
Replacing PIMs with hits, as PIMs are really punitive to a team and shouldn’t count as an offensive category.

We need at least 11 GMs to vote on each issue, with a simple majority winning. In the event of a tie, no change occurs. I made both of those rules up right now, Schauble.

Changes would be effective this up coming season and the 2017-18 season draft lottery.

Thank you all for your spirited participation.

Technorati Tags: Road to Anze Cup,Champion's Message. Jesse Rules League Vote

Power Rankings - Week 14

2016-01-19T00:12:00.002-08:00

It is now 2016....hip hip whore-your're gay (Steve). It is only fitting that the 2015 Anze Cup Champion (Anzoolander) along with the only person who he has zero comebacks against (Texans) will write the first co-Power Rankings after the Holiday Season. With only a couple months before playoffs, we will look to review and predict with 100% accuracy the recent transactions that have took place as well as point and laugh at Court for being so absolutely terrible at Fantasy Hockey.

Finally, a shout out to my other brother (who the fuck is Anze Kopitar) for a solid 10 year, 80 million dollar contract. God is he good looking. Like an Adonis.

1) Anzoolander (1) -

Ranked no.1 is the tired new dad AnzePoooolander. Fortunately for this GM, every team he plays, the opposing goalies coward to his highly talented offence. His goalie stats are atrocious being bottom 6 in 4 of 5 statistical categories. Counteracting this goalie debacle is an offensive juggernaut that is top 4 in 7 of 11 offensive categories. Look out when Price returns as this team could look to repeat as the Anze Cup Champion. He will likely screw it up this year having to focus more of his time on his daughters pooh than hockey!

2) Texans (2) -

This team is overall one of the strongest top to bottom rosters of any in GPY, which is sad as this GM still has no clue what hockey is even though he lives in Canada. Everyone knows the Canucks lost a legit stud in Schneider, but Double D is proving to be a solid #2 tender for this squad. Johnny Hockey is the real deal, but he is so small he'll probably die soon so that won't be good. It is good to see the Texans decided to bench Kris with at K "Keeper Obv" Letang this week and that is already paying dividends with 2 apples on Monday. These terrible moves will make it next to impossible for this group of non-stars who collectively aren't a bad squad to make it to the top and claim the greatest trophy in sports. However, with yet another win against a big time opponent last week (Don't you know I'm Loko) this team could surprise everyone (including the GM) come playoff time. But probably not.

3) Lokomotiv 2138 (3) -

This team is older than Paymon's ball sack. If they don't die from old age or break their hips before the playoffs then this team can be pretty good. Not Great, see last weeks shit kicking by the second ranked team. The massive trade in the off season giving up Connor McDavid is paying huge in the short term. Time will tell how that pays off. Looking good so far.

4) Philosopher Kings (4) -

This is a very generous ranking after a terrible win against a bottom feeder last week. The Kings goalies are solid but 18 points is simply an offensive offense. 5 goals in 81 shots is on par with the % of chicks its GM picks up at a Las Vegas Night Club. This is not good considering every single female in Las Vegas is there to bang. All of them. God I love Vegas. While Connor McPussy will be back sometime soon, it might not add enough offense to take this team to the promised land. However, rest assured this GM will be looking to wheel and deal to make this squad better and in our opinion is ranked #1 in this category.

5) Kane and She was Abel (6) -

This team baffles me as to how he is ranked so high, then I scroll down the list of bad players and see Patrick Kane. He is worth at least 3 normal players on his own. His lackluster team can make up the rest of the point differential by being mediocre. In saying that, this team only has 4 players over 30 points this season and one is 20 cent Kane. With only 1 starter in net, this team is sure to fall.

6) Hatrick Swayze (5) -

Beating up on terrible teams in recent weeks has Hatrick Swayze's GM Todd Toothill overly confident for all the wrong reasons. This squad is one goalie deep, and unless Crosby has 10pts a week this lackluster squad has all the makings of a first round exit if they make the playoffs. This GM sees his team like a Victoria Secret Model when in fact it looks more like a Venezuelan Swamp Donkey like the ones he used to take down in the bathroom at Bimini's. To his defense these bangs were all consensual as the women were all sober thanks to round after round of milk & grenadine shots. Brilliant move, golf clap. I digress....this team is in shambles, just like Chubbs Peterson's hand, and his favorite Giants player Jason Pierre-Paul.

7) Jesse Loves Paymon (8) -

This team has given up on this season and may still make the playoffs. That says a ton about the teams ranked below this team. This GM's only hope of winning the Anze Cup again is to have more kids. Every time he has a kid, he pays less attention to his team thus making his team infinitely better. Way to be a great dad. I commend you for that. Go Portugal!

8) Super Sperm (10) -

The fact that this team isn't ranked 15th after losing to the lowly ChingChong BingBong's might have everyone scratching their heads, however, with Ovi this team can still squeak into the playoffs. It really is a one man show as both goalies are terrible, C's are awful, LW's and dreadful, D is embarrassing and don't get me started about the bench. It would be prudent for Super Sperm GM Ryan Schauble to get off his ass, stop watching re-runs of Blind Date and make a move or two. A good start would be Michael Stone to Everett Silvertips for Tyler Seguin as this will somehow make mathematical sense to Court Watson...lol...what a terrible fucking fantasy GM!!!

9) Me So Vyborny (9) -

This team is bottom 6 in 8 of 11 statistical categories for his offence and bottom 3 in 3 of 5 goalie stats. Just Terrible. The recent trade will help a bit but not enough to make the playoffs. Better make some more trades. 10 should do the trick.

10) ChingChong BingBongs (13) -

This is a huge jump for ChingChong BingBong's GM Bert Fong after a solid thrashing of Super Sperm last week. This ranking is also due to the terrible display of GM'ing by Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson after the (horrible) trade heard around the world. I asked Bert Fong if he had any insight on this trade and he replied "I spoke to Me So Vyborny GM Matt 'Daniel' and he said he accidentally sent Court the trade with just Barrie and a pick but forgot to add Phil Kessel. He knew Court would auto-delete the deal and would simply re-send, but to his amazement Court accepted the deal which was fucking hilarious and Matt celebrated with hookers and blow all weekend!" Moving along, Bert's worst enemy is himself and this was once again on display by trading away a 4th pick and some bum for Colton Parayko (who???) who is awful and only has marginal points due to early injuries on the STL blue-line. Ruckiry for Bert, Hornqvist and Lack are lighting it the fuck up this season which makes the Eichel trade for him that much sweeter. Just kidding. You suck Bert.

11) Everett Silvertips (7)

No words.

12) Kanucks (12) -

When you have Brian "The Wall" Elliott you are a really really really bad franchise. Unless you play Anzoolander in which case he plays outside his mind which is a foreshadow to this weeks matchup where the Kanucks will somehow win. All the while Kanucks GM will not be spending time watching the match, rather, watching people who aren't good at sports wear hilarious clothes running around like Orangutang's. Business is good though, and for that I give GM Dave Kitchen much respect. His team on the other hand I have no respect for...an utter embarrassment to such a rich and historic league. Get your shit together.

13) Connor McSaviors (11) -

I am trying to find a positive about this team. 10 beers in and got it, this team has a couple of young decent players. That's it. Better luck next year. I raise another beer in your epic failure!

14) Pistol's Hellcats (14) -

It was funny at first to have Pistol's Hellcats GM Pete Shpak ranked #14 due to the fact his team picture did not represent his team name. In a very short time his team has tanked so far that it now deserves the cellar dweller blow job tag, especially after tying the Kanucks last week with 14 total points. Yes, Holtby should and will win the Vezina. Yes, Lundqvist is uncomfortably good looking. But no, these are not enough to carry such a bad team that not only Justin Williams IS on your team, but is carrying your offense. If you see a child throwing a tantrum at the Main and Terminal McDonald's this week, it is probably an under 6 foot Pistol Pete losing it in the bouncy castle as he tries to figure out how to right this sinking ship.

The End

Power Rankings: Week 11

2015-12-21T19:29:00.003-08:00

For this week’s installment, I present he of notorious head size, Steve McIntyre of Jesse Loves Paymon:

Without further adieu.

This week's power rankings are different. Not different like the retard strength of Chris Thomas. Different like Bert Fong's Penis. Whatever that means.

As a Vancouver Canucks fan (fuck you Cook) I enjoy reading a blog titled "The Provies". There is no better post game entertainment than secretly reading this blog while receiving a "good night" blow job from your wife. If you're not familiar with the Provies I encourage you to click the link below and have a read. Be sure to focus on "BEST ANSWER" and note who won. I know it's not a Boys' Co Billboard, but I feel I'm on way to celebrity status.

The Provies: Hats, Corsi wars and why the Devils get a big laugh at the Canucks expense | The Province

This week's rankings will have a little Provies flavor added to it. More because I'd rather rip off someone else's work than take the time to create something myself. Plus, I truly enjoy our WhatsApp group discussion and figure this was a great way to capture some highlights.

Pour yourself a drink Gents (mine is in my Anze Cup) and enjoy this week’s Power Rankings: Provies Edition.

1. Anzoolander (2)

BEST INJURY

This team is a beast and will be for years to come. Have you ever given thought to what will happen when Toews and/or Stamkos wake up? What about when Price returns? This is the best team in GPY and we we've yet to see its best.

2. Texans (1)

BEST TEAM?

Before tonight I agreed with most other GM's about this teams #1 ranking. Loved this team going into the season and still love it now. However a 9-4 pounding at the hands of 14th ranked Pistol's Hellcats cannot be ignored.

3. Lokomotiv (3)

BEST COMPARISON

At the start of the season I did not no what to think of this team. After week nine I'm now having nightmares about it. Hopefully GM Cole Ballard breaks tradition and doesn't fuck things up by adding 3rd line Capitals players at the trade deadline.

4. Philosopher King (5)

BEST STAT

This was suppose to be a rebuild year for GM Luke Mackinnon. Have a look at his roster. Looks more like a retool for complete dominance.

5. Hatrick Swayze (4)

BEST ANALOGY

I was in tears when I first read this. Very creative, witty and a true zinger (Toots 1 - Pistol 0). It's too bad Hatrick Swyaze's GM Tood Toothill's creativity ends here. This line-up has talent and potential. Perhaps Toots should focus on improving his starting line-up rather than masturbating to the final scene of Dirty Dancing.

6. Kane and she was Able (6)

BEST RAPIST

This team will go as far as Patrick Kane's lawyer will take them. This team is 6-2-2 through the first 10 weeks and is patiently waiting to rape again.

7. Everett Silvertips (8)

BEST HAVE ANOTHER DRINK

The season this team is having should not surprise anyone. Just watch GM Court Watson's golf swing and then immediately look at his scorecard. Million dollar swing, ten cent head. This team is loaded with talent but it's GM doesn't have the mental capacity to do anything with it.

8. Jesse Loves Paymon (9)

BEST WTF

Ok I realize JLP got steam rolled two weeks ago and lost again this week. But I cannot comprehend how this team posted 4-0 record the previous four weeks yet fell from fifth to ninth in the power rankings. Eighth place is where this team should be ranked. My prediction is it'll finish the season here.

9. Me So Vyborny (11)

BEST SHIT KICKING

14-0 this week vs Kanucks! Ok not the strongest opponent but I'm not sure this league has seen 14-0 before. Don't let this go to your head Matt. You have ONE player ranked in the top 30 and your best goalie is Steve Mason. Steve Mason.

10. Super Sperm (7)

BEST RUMOR

For those who don't know Jesse's daughter was due Dec 15th. In typical female routine she's late. Yes Jesse I just chirped your unborn daughter. Relax. Pistol will do much worse once she's born. You should hear what Pistol's said about Schauble's twins! Remember that I don't start rumors, I just spread them.

11. Connor McSaviours (12)

BEST I'M THIRSTY

I can't even name a player on this team. So instead of looking up this teams roster, I'm going to pour myself another beverage.

12. Kanucks (10)

BEST NEGOTIATOR

I often question the commitment level of Kanucks GM Dave Kitchen to our league. However Dave's trade negotiations for Mats Zucarello has me thinking otherwise. Dave was working the phones hard with multiple teams including JLP and Anzoolander. Dave was able to get the Everett Silvertips to up its offer and before we knew it Zucarello was traded. While preparing to interview Tips GM Court Watson to get his thoughts on the trade, Court sent me this text…

I accepted the bet.

13. Chingchong BingBongs (13)

BEST ANSWER

The future is a scary place.

14. Pistol's Hellcats (14)

BEST PHOTO

Editor’s Note: Or this:

I agree with Toots. Change your team photo Pistol. Now you all have something to secretly look at while receiving your "good night" blow job this evening. You're welcome.

Power Rankings: Week 9

2015-12-07T20:25:00.001-08:00

Foreword (as written by Leonardo DiCaprio):

To preface this week’s rankings is a bit intimidating, to be honest. The world of fantasy sports is intriguing to say the least, but how does a grown man find the time to commit fully to the “sport”?

I wasn’t shocked to hear that Todd was valued high on the North American fantasy sports ranking chart, not in the slightest. I first met him in Las Vegas, oh, back in 2001 I believe. I was still trying to find my way as an actor, lost you could say. Both in the emotional state of where I was at in my career, and also in the physical state, as I was in the MGM Grand hotel, and shit that place is a fucking maze. Add in a couple of double vodka crans and I might as well have been Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Lost, cold (from the ecstasy), and confused.

And that’s where I first met him. He was holding court (not you Watson, you plug; http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/hold-court) at the craps table, 14 or 15 women surrounding him, enthralled with his every movement. And these were beautiful women, tall, buxom, not a shred of body fat except for their gigantic cans. And they hung on his every word, and had drew quite a crowd around him. Me being somewhat of a famous person at this point, would generally not think twice about introducing myself to anyone I deemed interesting to meet, yet with him I have to be honest it took a few minutes. Not because he seemed intimidating, but rather here I was, the star of Titanic, and these girls haven’t noticed I’m even standing next to him

We chatted for a few hours, it was intoxicating. Not so much the words he spewed but the impact of his delivery. I often joke with him that everything I learned about women I learned that night, but he’s too humble to let me tell it like that. So I will say that I’m forever indebted to him with respect to the success I’ve had with thousands of women. He’s a special man.

Leo

And with that, on to this week’s rankings!

1. Texans (1) –

Solid lineup top to bottom for this redneck GM. Hey look there’s a bird, let’s shoot it! While goaltending has been solid to this point (Jersey…really??), a Dubnyk injury is sure to slow this team down. Hey look, a cute deer, let’s shoot it! Giordano could be the bust of the year so far, but then again, who picks Flames players. Just downright awful. Hey let’s shoot that Gorilla! Oh wait, that’s my brother in law.

2. Anzoolander (3) – One bad week does not make a team. And there is way too much star power on this squad to slide any further in the rankings. Probably more to do with how awful all the other teams are then how good this one is. Unfortunately for this ape, deciding who’s going to start from week to week (Andersen or Gibson) will turn any man crazy, not to mention a Silverback!! Am I right!!?? This GM is so ugly it makes me cry. Have you ever seen him tinker with his lineup….it’s depressing:

3. Lokomotiv (4) – Goaltending wins championships. And if this team goes deep, it’ll be goaltending that got him there. Two rock solid teams to hitch your proverbial goaltending star to in Chicago and ~~Long Island~~ (Editor’s note: Brooklyn). The old dogs of Zetterberg and Vanek will carry this team to the post season, but unfortunately it is at that moment that Darling gets the starts, and Halak will be injured. So close, you suck.

4. Hatrick Swayze (7) – I know what you’re thinking, “Hey he can’t do that! He can’t rank himself 4^th because it’s his team, that’s biased!”. First off, yes I can. And B, shut up loser. Crosby, check. Quick, check. This team looks back on track, and after handing the former 1^st place team (Editor’s note: in record only) a huge beat down last week, look for this team to really make moves. Good on you, handsome.

5. Philosopher King (2) – Could potentially be ranked higher on this list, if it wasn’t for his stupid team name. Their music sucked. The movie sucked. You suck. A good mix of old and young talent, this season will inevitably come down to Martin Jones. You heard me correctly, Martin. Jones. Yeah, see you at the bottom.

6. Kane and She Was Abel (6) – Will the real Jake Voracek please stand up, please stand up, please stand up. Bust of the year candidate Voracek has a whopping one goal this year. A third of the way into the year, and you’ve got to think he breaks out of his funk. If not, this team is doomed for the basement, where Patrick Kane keeps the rape kit.

7. Super Sperm (5) – As solid of a D core you’ll find in this league, it’s too bad you can only start 4 of them (Editor’s note: you can start up to six). Another good mix of age and youth should see this team bounce up the standings once again. But Ryan Miller….yikes. It’s tough times ahead bro. A move or two to solidify a 2^nd top tier goalie and this team could really be something. But probably not.

8. Everett Silvertips (11) – How are you so bad? You have studs. Can’t you just land on a goalie and stick with it. This team has nowhere to go but up. Really, you should stick to beating women at virtual Wii Soccer.

9. Jesse Loves Paymon (9) – Mister average. I’m sure you’ll be ranked 9^th for the rest of the season. Way to go!

10. Kanucks (10) – If I could spear this team in the nuts, I would. And the fine would be money well spent. You have two back up goalies. Not backing you up, but actually starting for you. And that makes me sad.

11. Me So Vyborny (12) – Lots of good young talent, this team could make a name for itself in the future. But not this year. And not next year. Or the year after. In fact, I retract that. This team stinks.

12. Connor McSaviours (13)– Edmonton is in last place. Again. Which is where this oiler-humping GM should be. But he’s not because….well, look below him.

13. ChingChong BingBongs (14) – This is why. This is why Connor McShithead is not last place. Because of this dink.

14. Pistol’s Hellcats (8) – The 14^th ranking for this team is directly related to this team’s profile picture. Every week moving forward, this team will be ranked dead last until Pete changes his team’s profile picture to this:

Editors note: Or this:

Well done Todd, great first effort. JM.

Power Rankings: Week 8

2015-12-02T21:30:00.001-08:00

Before I thank Henry Kissinger, and before delivering my modest message, I feel obliged to alert college students, progressive academics and all other deeply sensitive souls that these words may contain phrases and ideas that challenge your prejudices. In other words, I formally declare this room an “unsafe space.”

Hello all, as we progress into the middle of the season, we enter the maybe phase. Maybe Dylan Larkin can shoot an an absurdly high unsustainable percentage for an entire season? Maybe Crosby has basically hit a metaphorical wall in his career and will never be better? Maybe Steven Stamkos will never truly be elite, just good? Maybe John Gibson is the starter going forward? Maybe Carey Price should just have the surgery?

Maybes cause managers to do “interesting” things. And by interesting, I mean stupid. Example include: Trading for Ondrej Pavelec (2013 – Flowers In the Cage), trading for Ondrej Pavelec (2013 – Flowers in the Cage), Trading for Jonas Hiller, the Ondrej Pavelec of last season when Ondrej Pavelec was overperforming (2014 – Flowers in the Cage). All teachable, laughable moments. You can’t blame a guy for trying, until after he has failed. Then you point and laugh.

Anyway.

1. Texans (4) –Wwhen a damn fine team loses to another damn fine team, the damn fine team that won is the best team in the league. That is this team. Healthy and getting a little help from unexpected places (the ghost!) when others drop off (Giordano). Goaltenders are finding their groove, this team is legit.

2. Philosopher Kings (3) – A damn fine team as well, but not as consistent or as deep as the Texans. Look for Martin Jones to falter a crucial time, it is feast or famine with that guy. No other goalie on this team plays enough or is actually that good at hockey. Tarasenko hurt with McDavid already out could also slow this team.

It is not a coincidence the two guys who work together and spend all day talking fantasy hockey are at the top. Seriously, does anyone know what these guys actually do for work?

3. Anzoolander (1) – The injury to Carey Price is going to drag on. While no surgery will bring him back sooner, we all saw how that went the last time. There are so many times you can have a used condom as your last line of defense (from personal experience, I would say four times), and this one is clearly about to break. Also, when a goalie goes on the IR because of the flu, that isn’t the flu, that is Ebola. Sucks that he has basically lost his starting job during the time.

4. Lokomotiv 2138 (2) – This team lost to the team with the worst record in the league last week, but in fairness, that team did score the second most points in the league. That came out of nowhere. This is probably one of the best chances of any season that GM Cole Ballard has had to win the Anze Cup, but one wonders when Tomas Plekanec, Thomas Vanek and Jeff Carter stop playing like their 2011 versions and more like their 2015 versions.

Sell high.

5. Super Sperm (6) – Like every year, solid team. Like every year, chances of winning are less than they were the year before. You never know, maybe a playoff run, but the depth on this team consists of young players who are showing they are young and their peak is a ways off. Also, no team will ever win the Anze Cup with Ryan Miller.

6. Kane & She Was Abel (8) – Proving racial diversity can work, even in sports mainly for Canadians, which are inherently racist. By the way, there is a new alcoholic beverage in Canada, and one of its ingredients, in big huge print, is kaffir limes. The word kaffir comes from Arabic, and essentially means non-Muslim, and was used to describe the Africans taken from their homeland as part of the Indian Ocean slave trade (which absolutely dwarfed the Africa-North America slave trade), the word is considered highly derogatory now and is worse than the word that shall not be spoken in the U.S. Ah, those Canadians, such a racist bunch. Now, the most liberal of Canadians will stand up and say “wait, how could we know that, it wasn’t intentional!” yet would be the first person to scream bloody murder if the Japanese came out with a sake infused with n!gger lemons.

Makrut limes. That is what the non-racist world calls them, Canada. Also, I CANNOT wait to try this new beverage, looks delightful.

7. Hatrick Swayze (9) – I expect this team to move up. Just as Anzoolander is an outlier in points versus shots on the high end, this team is an outlier on the low end (if you don’t think they are correlated, look at our stats this year, and historically. For this year, 4 of top 6 are identical in both categories). This team has to come around some time, or Todd has to do something out of panic. Either way, I am excited to watch.

8. Pistol’s Hellcats (5) – Lost to one of the worst teams in the league. Never beats a good team, barely scores any points each week. Lots of things wrong with this team, but don’t tell Pete that, let him go with that wild imagination he developed playing by himself as an only child who was short.

9. Jesse Loves Paymon (7) – Nobody has done less with more, and made more less. Well done.

10. Kanucks (11) – Can’t tell if Dave is less active because he is more busy or actually realizes his team isn’t that bad. Who am I kidding, he has ugly t-shirts to make, pictures of food to post on facebook, and terrible blog posts about competitive exercising (which is for people who are bad at sports) to publish.

11. Everett Silvertips (10) – By the end of this season, I expect this team to have touched every second rate goalie in the league in some form or fashion. Just change your team name to Charlie Sheen and seek treatment for the fantasy hockey AIDs you have.

12. Me So Vyborny (14) – 2nd in the league in points last week, starting to get healthy, spends zero time on the league, doesn’t do any trades, looking for a new job, moving cities, probably finish last.

13. Connor McSaviors (12) – It is no fun to bash this team, because GM Ryan Zupan inherited this train wreck. Oh who am I kidding, stop building your team out of players on the teams in northwestern Canada, they are all fucking toxic. You suck Zooperpylon.

14. ChingChong BingBongs (13) – Home is where the heart is. You are better off watching this video, which I will have on repeat on my TV all Christmas holiday, then spending anymore time thinking about this team.

I watched the entire thing. Peace on earth.

Thank you all. And thank you Ron Swanson. JM.

Power Rankings: Week 7

2015-11-25T13:32:00.001-08:00

Before we get to power rankings, just a reminder that league fees are due by December 1. I don’t care how much you owe, even it is $1.88, if payment is not received, you will be locked out of team management.

http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/21705/finances

Now, this week’s power rankings are being brought you from Texans GM, Chris Thomas, disproving the stereotype that people from Texas can neither read or write (but not disproving the stereotype that Texas is full of only steers and queers):

1. Anzoolander (2) - This team has done a great job of using the waiver wire and (Kills me to say) drafting. There is a potent talent level here with unbelievable scoring ability. Getting lucky with a rookie who must love date raping girls to be able to keep up with Kane, and a veteran finally living up to his ability in Montreal. Unfortunately Gallagher will be out with a broken hand that requires surgery (waaaaaahh). If the goaltending can keep up, look out, this could be on the path to repeat.

(GM Jesse Cook after championship #2, which won’t happen)

2. Lokomotiv 2138 (1)

This team is not surprisingly ranked number two because of the consistency. With only 1 player with 20 points, but 10 players with 15 or more points, should keep this train moving. Average goal tending could derail this team for the Anze Cup, but there is no doubt they will make the playoffs. Looks like selling Connor for this years’ cup may pay off.

3. Philospoher King (10) - This team is only ranked number three out of pity. His team is over-performing from the norm and with the injury to his young super star, this could get ugly quick. There is a load of young talent who will no doubt keep this team great for years to come as long as the GM can keep a level head. Now that his trading partners have nothing, and I mean nothing to give, he will have to look for other avenues to improve his team.

4. Texans (4) - This team has been very consistent with an unlucky schedule. The mediocre drafting could be the demise. Also, great Defense seems to be a problem with the best worst +/- at Minus 40. If this team stays healthy, could make a run for the cup. Inevitably this GM will find a way to screw up this years’ team with some corroboration of bertmetrics. (Had to keep this picture going)

5. Pistol’s Hellcats (7) - This team has great goaltending…. And nothing else!

Trending Down but will still make the playoffs because of a super easy schedule!

6. Super Sperm (3) - Wow, this team could be so good. Arguably the best keepers in the league. Arguably the worst management though. Bad drafting has kept this team at arm’s reach from the top. I suggest a big trade or two will push you closer to the top.

7. Jesse Loves Paymon (5) - Lucky for this team Evgeni Malkin might have woken up. GM Steve McIntyre also uses the preferred method of trading (bertmetrics). Average goaltending and poor play from most of his team is why this team ends up in the seven spot. Should he find some suitors for a big trade (which he won’t) he might have a team to compete. Here is your trading partner:

8. Kane & She Was Abel (6) - This team is aptly named as the only good player he has is leading the league in points. Luckily this works out to two decent players on other teams. The only reason this team is doing so well in the rankings is because each week the team playing him has an off week. This will change, unlike the behavior of his top player:

9. Hatrick Swayze (12) - With one player above 15 points and bad goaltending, it’s easy to see why this team remains in the lower middle. Might want to think about changing your picture. Cut and paste should work for you. If you still don’t understand why your team is here, actually look at it! (JM: This team is on pace to defy statistics. There is a high correlation between shots and points, and this team is defying that correlation. Top of the league in shots, bottom in points, it is actually amazing to watch. Maybe this team does have AIDS.)

10. Everett Silvertips (11) - This team continues to baffle me as to why they keep losing with the keepers they have… Oh wait, terrible goaltending and mismanagement. It is unbelievable how good the original keepers are but won’t produce on this team. The lack of depth is obvious another red flag. Speaking of flags, GM Court Watson might want to waive this around.

11. Kanucks (8) - This team is good, oh wait, that is another team. The good news for GM Dave is that he is used to being in this spot. There might be one player you can trade (JM: Nope). Third lowest in points scored but second in PIMS is a good thing right! Just like something else I have heard of.

12. Connor McSaviors (9) - This team got a raw deal coming into the league with a bad team. Rookie GM Ryan Zupan had the chance to get things going with some good picks in the draft and chose Drouin with his FIRST pick. What were you thinking GM Zoops, your future is at the bottom, welcome to the best league ~~around~~ (JM: ever)!

I know you like posting these types of pics!

13. ChingChong BingBongs (13) - This team is really good at being bad. Fortunately there is one team worse. There are 3 players with over 15 points, and that is it. You should have a good shot at 1^st pick next year.

14. Me So Vyborny (14) - If hockey’s greatest players were on the second line, this team would be awesome. As most of us know, it is the top line that does most of the scoring hence why this team has hardly any points. Maybe a 3 or 4 for 1 trade could be in the works for a playoff team needing depth. Just saying. It’s an idea! Good luck!

Good job Tex. JM.

Power Rankings: Week 5

2015-11-13T06:27:00.001-08:00

Here's this week's power rankings brought to you by poo-litzer prize winning investigatory journalist, Rick Shaw (Editor’s note: Actually, it is Bert Fong).

1. Lokomotiv 2138 (1)

What a week. What a season. Lokomotiv 2138 is looking more like the juggernaut it should be instead of the usual jugger-not that it is. With the exception of Week 3, this team has been kicking ass and taking names not losing more than 4 categories while winning no less than 10. Who knew a "Cole" powered choo-choo could be so unstoppable.

2. Anzoolander (2)

Through 4 weeks, this team still remains undefeated and could be the closest team that could stop Lokomotiv. He's been just as dominating as Lokomotiv (with the exception of Week 3 as well). I asked what Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook attributed his fantasy hockey prowess to and he responded, "PBJ. I have it 2, maybe 3, times a day." When I asked why he has peanut butter and jelly so many times a day, he replied, "Peanut butter and jelly?! I was referring to Paymon's Ball Juice."

3. Super Sperm (4)

This team looks as though it's been getting better each week. There hasn't been one week where he's scored less than 20 points and while some of his keepers (i.e. Nash and Perry) have been struggling, his draftees (i.e. Yakupov, Seabrook, Suter) have been picking up the slack, but time will tell if they can maintain this. If his goaltending comes around, he could be a real contender.

4. Texans (5)

This team can go far, but an early face-off (and drubbing) against Lokomotiv stalled what could still be a banner year for the Texans

5. Jesse Loves Paymon (6)

With 2 keepers on the IR, JLP GM Steve McIntyre has had to rely on the bench to fill in the void which he's managed to do with some success. With news of Datsyuk possibly returning to the lineup this week, the outlook for this team is looking brighter. Now if only he could do something about his goaltending...

6. Kane And She Was Abel (7)

How in the world is this team where it is in the standings? Seems as though GM Mike Gaunt is looking to do what that girl wasn't able to do: ride Patrick Kane to a big payday. Not sure how that will play out for him, but it seems to be working for the moment, so why not just keep on going?

7. Pistol's Hellcats (3)

I have no idea how this team is in first. Oh wait, having 3 bye weeks in the first 5 weeks will do that for you. This team hasn't broken the 20 point plateau since Week 2 and if they keep trending in this direction, this ranking could be generous. When asked what he thought about his detractors saying he was all flash, no finish, he replied, "Firstly, I don;t have tractors. I'm a real estate agent, not a farmer. B, of course I have no Finnish. I'm Canadian." Like Laser Luke said last week, "No one loves this team more than its own GM." Hellcats GM Pete Shpak could be the new FIGJAM.

8. Kanucks (12) Seems to be doing something right, but it's Dave and he will inevitably do something to eff it all up.

9. Connor McSaviors (11)

Bertmetrics applauds the addition of Clayton Stoner.

10. Philosopher Kings (9)

This team was moving along just nicely until Connor McDavid broke his collarbone. Don't worry though, I'm sure ChingChong BingBongs will let you "trade Kane" them again.

11. Everett Silvertips (10)

This is an unusual spot to see this team that is used to being in the top eight. However, I'm sure Silvertips GM Court Watson's penchant for spreadsheets and statistical norms (hehe, I said testicles) will surely bring this team back up from the depths of the cellar.

12. Hatrick Swayze (8)

With only 6 players whose rankings have improved since the season started, the odds of this team improving (unless Sidney Crosby turns it around) is about as good as GM Todd Toothill going the rest of the season in men's league hockey without getting another penalty.

13. Me So Vyborny (13)

Showed some promise at the beginning, but then so is going to the prom with the second sluttiest girl in school only to be ditched while she gives it up to Timmy Konowalchuk under the bleachers on the football field because he swiped some peppermint schnapps from his dad's liquor cabinet. I digress. Vyborny GM, Matt Meier is getting some decent production from his keepers, but it's his bench and his goaltending that's letting him down. It's still early in the season so things can still turn around.

14. ChingChong BingBongs (14)

I don't think there is anything more you could say about this team. Other than "It. Is, Hall-Eeee-Bow." It is clear to all, that the bad trades during the season last year and the following off season, why CCBB GM Bert Fong is the first and ONLY person to win the Eugene Adams Award twice and this season could make it a three-peat. I tried to get an interview with him after his unprecedented accomplishment, but he was speechless, so all I was able to get was this picture. A picture is worth a thousand words.

Power Rankings: Week 4

2015-11-04T11:42:00.001-08:00

We are three weeks in, lots of story lines taking shape. Most notably, some of the best players in the league being injured or dying (Tavares, Price, McDavid, Crosby (I think). Here are this week’s power rankings, courtesy of Philospher King GM, Luke Mackinnon. As always, previous rank is in parenthesis.

1. Lokomotiv 2138 (1)

With 9 players and both goalies ranked in the top 100, you had better brace yourself for this undefeated team. After knocking off the number one seed in week one, (even though both teams outscored everyone), all could see right away that the huge blockbuster trade in the offseason was about to pay off in 2015-16. Burns a top 5 d-man, Zetterberg has 14 points, Crawford had back to back shutouts last week, Hudler and Plecanic 'throw in players', all for one prospect and a very late draft pick. Even though this team could face some D trouble soon, Lokomotiv has been sharp on the waiver grabbing the likes of Larkin, an absolute steal (considering others drafted a rookie in the 4th). Look for this team to continue its trend around the top of the league. #AllinOrBust

2. Anzoolander (5)

Another undefeated team, last years cup champion is right back at it. I honestly have no idea how, considering the number of picks he had in the top 5 rounds. He might just have the best keepers in the game though, so that helps. And Carey Price. Price. The goalie, that he traded for JVR, FML. Kuz and Gallagher are proving the genius of this ugly, ugly, GM. His seven player defensive core will prove to be his downfall, as I predict there is no way he can maintain a top five spot for long. Top heavy, like the real Jesse Dean Cook and that massive mug, this team will stumble. #WhereIsTheDepth

3. Pistol's Hellcats (2)

No one loves this team more than its own GM. With 11 players and both goalies in the top 100 rankings, some might ask how and why this team is not ranked number one. With two great goalies (yes, they are both great), they should be up in the top ranks to stay. We need to see more from this team though then a disgraceful loss last week with half the points of other teams, and two wins in the first two weeks to 'bye teams'. If his old d-men don't break, and Jagr can keep playing hockey, you would think this team will keep the high scores rolling. #DomiTrain #UnderAppreciated

4. Super Sperm (4)

Great keepers that should be scoring a ton of goals will always keep this team in the tops of this league. He only has one goalie and 3 d-men... both could be an issue, but so far its worked. Picking Yak, Strome, Duclair, Reinhart, and so on, is reaching ... but maybe. All good players that could break out in a big way... maybe. I tend to like this team. #MovingOnUp

5. Texans (7)

With so many picks in the top 5 rounds, even a Texan could not fuck this up. This team is strong top to bottom, and not only held the preseason number one ranking, it also held the Yahoo draft site projections at number one. Kudos to a previously terrible GM for making the necessary sacrifice last year to be good this year. A couple changes and this could be the team to beat this year heading into playoffs. #HeadedToTheTop

6. Jesse Loves Paymon (11)

Some have tried to pull the title of worst team name away from this squad... and it just can never stick while this team exists. With major injuries across the board and Bobrovsky playing the way he is, this team will be lucky to stick in the mix over the next few weeks. It faces tough competition with adversity. If they can play to a respectable level, I expect that it will make them stronger, and we will see this team in the playoffs come season end. #HangingOn #InjuryBug

7. Kane & She Was Able (6)

The pain this team must go through every week to choose its second goalie must give this offside GM fits. "Which of my split time goalies is going to have a better chance to win their one game they will play this week??!!?" Clearly what doesn't bother him, from looking at the team name, is the fact that Kane, Big Buff, and Ribeiro all spend time in and around jail or the law. Bad boys to the core, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Simmonds is in on the fun too. In other news, a player no one has ever heard of in Borowiecki is getting his fourth weekly start in a row... surely its the sound of his name that is the lure, and not the one assist. #CriminalsNeverWin #Borg

8. Hatrick Swayze (12)

Another one of these all round fantasy hockey teams that you would think would be higher up the ranks. It doesn't help that Sidney Crosby, normally an absolute terror to play against, has 5 points on the year. The other thing that is easy to see on this squad, is what teams the players play for. A lot of Buffalo, Toronto, Arizona and so on. Is anyone sure that besides Kucherov and Tampa, that anyone of these players actually plays for a team that is going to make the playoffs? This rookie GM might have shown his rookie stripes already... or maybe those are the gems on bad teams drafted for good value. I can't tell yet. I'm sure Toots The Tyrant can get them there though. Expect this team to battle for a playoff spot. #Roughstart

9. Philosopher Kings (3)

An offseason move that set this team back for the now, things were looking up as his youth and changes were paying off. Then Conner Mcdavid went AWOL into the boards. This team is about to go AWOL as well. Can Jones really be a number one goalie? Is David Krejci back? Is Getz just done? Who is Nikolaj Ehlers anyways? #TooManyQuestions #TooEarlyToTell

10. Everett Silvertips (9)

I can hear the cries of injustice and NOOOOOooo's now as you read this! Currently ranked as the worst team in this league, even the shitty mismanagement of this GM can't keep this team down for long. Those that face this team could be in for a rude awakening, as this team will awake from its slumber soon. Despite the goalie turnstile that GM Court Watson has implemented with the likes of Markstrom, Gustavsson, Ortio, Ullmark, Stalock, Ward, Nilsson, Mrazek, and Rask, he still does arguably have the best keepers in this league. And as one GM interviewed said, "its a team of the who's who in fantasy hockey, WTF?". I guess spreadsheets and shooting percentage are not always right. Might want to try watch a game some day. #Enigma #YouSuckCourt

11. Conner McSaviors (10)

I know for a fact every Sunday when this GM sets his line up, he curses Todd Toothill’ss name for getting the better situation. An honorable job making some offseason moves to improve, this is the first team on this list that will not be in the hunt for the playoffs. I would think GM 'I'll show you a dick pick every chance I get, Zupan" knew that when he drafted Drouin in the first round. Its all about the future, and this GM will be a big upgrade to the do nothing GM of the past. Good luck McSaviors. #BuildingForTheFuture

12. Kanucks (13)

A tradeaholic by nature, this GM spends his time debating moves, while making moves in cross fit. I like the effort, and as previously discussed, believe he wins more than we give him credit for... that said... you'll never win playing four weeks in a row of two goalies on the same team, Elliot/Allen. For the love of God, put your tradeaholic blood to good use and do something about it. Its painful to watch. Even doing this, this team laid an absolute blasting to Everett Silvertips last week. The pieces are there to make an impact, but not going anywhere unless the goalie situation gets resolved. #TylerJohnsonForGoalieTradeRumors

13. Me So Vyborny (8)

The team of second line players, with a couple gems that are not performing... and with no end in site. Yikes. I don't know that the one waiver wire move shows...? I don't know what those two goalies are trying to show us either??!! Why are they so bad. Starters, with every opportunity... just so bad... #Help.WhatDoIDo?

14. Ching Chong Bing Bongs (14)

Next year I will be signing the petition to have this team name switch to Bertmetrics, with the slogan "you win some, you lose some, and sometimes you ching chong bing bong some." Terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE, offseason trades doomed this team from the beginning, and there is absolutely NO recovering from it this year. Lose. Get the number one draft pick, and trade it to me for more than Hornqvist (current rank 386th), and a back up goalie on a shitty shitty team that has one win and three games under his belt. I could blast you with details of more past trades like moving a second round for literally nothing (editor’s note: and Getzlaf and Pacioretty for nothing)... but I like you. You're funny... And you should never tap the fishbowl. #InvestInNextYearNow.

Laser Luke, on point.

Thanks Luke, generally on point with some glaring errors but whatevs.

Also, amounts owed for this year can be found here:

http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/21705/finances

This includes the $60 league entry fee and transaction fees from last year (less remaining payout for those who won something). All payments must be made through paypal to puckyourself at live dot com. All payments in USD. All fees paid by the GM, the league does not absorb any fees. Then the money sits in paypal until the season ends. Payment is due by Nov. 1. After November 1, your roster will be locked and you will not be able to do anything until you pay. Got it? Don’t care. Figure it out.

Power Rankings: Week 2

2015-10-19T21:55:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the first official power rankings of the 2015-16 season. These are usually the most accurate power rankings you will ever read, I am rarely wrong, and mostly right. With that disclaimer, lets get right into it.

1. Lokomotiv 2138 – This train has started out of the gates at top speed, and I think I speak for everyone here when I say I cannot wait for it to crash and burn in a fiery death. A convincing win last week without its top netminder over a team that put up a pretty solid effort. You might think Zetterberg and Plekanec are flukes (they are) but I am assuming Cole has learned not to listen to himself, will deal one of them, and the other can be replaced by Backstrom, who is back. Should be a fun year to watch Cole second guess himself all season long. Pressure is on big guy.

2. Pistol’s Hellcats – Might be top ranked if they hadn’t had a bye week last week. Impressive performance, but it was like making a 1 foot putt on a hole the size of a basketball hoop. Another bye week this week will help this team cruise to week 3. The glaring weakness in this team is clearly Henrik Lundqvist, who is old balls, and GM Pete Shpak knows it, picking up a career backup on a terrible team has his handcuff (looks at transaction wire again, confirms that is what happens, shakes head in amazement). Good luck with that, and Jagr playing a full season, and Parise shooting at a career high shooting percentage, and Max Domi doing whatever he is doing for much longer (it is Arizona for the love of god).

3. Philosopher King – Martin Jones. Is he this year’s Dominik Hasek (1993) or is he this year’s Darcy Kuemper (2014)? My guess is the later, since it happens oh, every year, versus Hasek happening once in a lifetime (and Jones’ is Canadian, which means he isn’t as good as people think). This has to be keeping Luke up at night as he looks for reliable third goalies in the likes of Thomas Greiss and Anton Khudobin. Luke likes to talk about his inside track at San Jose, not realizing he is just pointing out he has confirmation bias. Good luck with that.

4. Super Sperm – Solid team, but probably won’t win the Anze Cup. This team’s window, like the Canucks, is gone. Very questionable management moves; how you put a offensive talent who is paired with Tavares on the powerplay on the bench for a guy playing with Martin Hanzal is beyond me. But hey, hashtag no cups.

5. Anzoolander - Everyone thought this team was screwed with no draft picks, but who needs picks when you have Carey Price and Jamie Benn? They can beat half the teams in the league on their own. Stamkos helps too. Abdelkader won’t shoot .500 for much longer, but if the ancillary pieces can contribute periodically, this core is going to go deep, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see this team back in the Anze Cup finals.

6. Kane and she was Abel – As long as Patrick Kane isn’t in jail, I think this team competes week in and week out. Goaltending will always be a risk with the goalies this team has, but there will be weeks where goaltending will carry them to victory in a blaze of glory.

7. Texans – Great offense, bad goaltending. Why Bernier ever started a game for this team is beyond me. Hopefully Dubynk comes around and plays out of his mind again, versus staying at, you know, his career average. Oh wait, maybe the term regress to the mean actually means something. There is a ton of young talent on this team, with players from Calgary going to kill this team in plus minus because their puck possession is as bad as last year and is finally catching up with them. It will be fun to watch this team each week, and scary for competitors if the goalies come around.

8. Me So Vyborny – I like a lot of things going on with this team. There is a lot of young talent on offense. The goalies on the other hand, all three are in jeopardy of getting consistent playing time going forward. GM Matt Meier has going to have to be a little more aggressive this year versus, well, ever. Hopefully, he doesn’t listen to Cole.

9. Everett Silvertips – Wow. Which team has awful goaltending? This team. I don’t think this team has much of a shot unless something magical happens (someone gives him a great starting goalie, the Boston Bruins figure out how to play defense, Court becomes single and not boring, etc). Great young talent on offense will probably get this team into the playoffs, but as of right now, it has no shot on winning it all.

10. Connor McSaviors – I think this team has more wins this season already than all of last year. A testament to Ryan’s work effort so far, the only direction this team can go is up. That, and they played a horribly managed team.

11. Jesse Loves Paymon – Who is on the case when the detective IS the missing person? Hopefully, Steve will stop making that awful joke; it wasn’t funny when they did it on Sportscenter (yeah, I spelled it correctly) and it really isn’t funny when Steve does it. Besides that clown in net, is there anyone on this team you get super excited for other than Karlsson? Me neither.

12. Hatrick Swayze – We are really rooting for Todd, it would be great to see someone like him win in this league, but he is already mismanaging his roster, getting zero points out of Crosby. The best part is Todd talking about how a guy who plays for Toronto is good. Haha (I am laughing with you, I swear). At least his d-men are productive, for now. I actually think Quick will bounce back and so will this team a little bit, despite what Todd does.

13. Kanucks – Bye week #2. I give Dave credit for being active, but that doesn’t mean this team is very good. Don’t see this team moving from the slot anytime soon.

14. Ching Chong Bing Bongs – The original bye week. Going to take something special to get out of this position.

Just an FYI, you all owe money, but I need to figure out how much. Also, as a reminder, especially for newbies, all transactions are $.50 each. Eventually I will get around to billing you.

Power Rankings from the Champ

2015-10-07T14:37:00.001-07:00

Defending Anze Cup champion has graciously submitted the first (of many, I hope) guest post for this season. In celebration of the season kicking off today, I present the inaugural 2015-2016 Puck You! power rankings.

I think I have had eleventy crown and gingers at this point; hashtag first class rules.

And here we go:

The Anze Cup is where it belongs. No, not in Slovenia, but in West Vancouver; where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women flock instinctively like the salmon of Capistrano. The Anze Cup had a great summer, kept its GM well hydrated, and is poised to stay at its current residence for years to come. The highlight was clearly drinking out of the Anze Cup while the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup (again).

Here is the Week 1 Power Rankings based on the Draft and 100% accurate prediction skills only I possess (Editor’s note: not true, I am much more accurate, but he is still pretty good):

1) Texans – Solid draft (for once) and with so many high picks (and marginal keepers) this team is stacked. Should DD not replicate last season this team could be in big trouble (Bernier is not the answer), however, if he can this team is deep with the best D corps in the league. How Letang was available to pick was unbelievable...what a horrible horrible horrible mistake by Hatrick Swayze.

2) Everett Silvertips - A surprisingly good draft coupled with the 2nd best set of keepers equals another competitive roster for Stupid Court. Spending thousands of hours researching trends while drinking has worked in previous years for Watson, but he will have to up this to tens of thousands of hours to ensure the right moves are made down the stretch to ensure this squad makes the playoffs. Good thing Court has nothing but time on his hands.

3) Anzoolander - The last 4 Stanley Cup Champion Captains are: Toews, Kopitar, Toews, Kopitar. It is no fluke that this team is poised to defend its crown as Anze Cup Champion with the reigning Vezina and Art Ross trophy winners also on the roster. This team had no option during the draft other than to take some risks, and is hopeful that the likes of Panarin, Kuznetsov and Nichushkin can compliment the star studded keepers. The D is young and one of the weakest in the league and this could make or break it for Anzoolander in his hopes to repeat as Champion (Editor’s note: No team will benefit more from the 3 on 3 format than Dallas. No one. This might be a record year for GWGs by a single team).

4) Lokomotiv 2138 - This was a very safe draft for Cole, and in some ways seemed as if he spent zero time researching and simply picked players he has had on his team before (stick tap though for the best late pick of the draft in Teravainen 141st overall). While this team isn't stacked, it has two solid goalies, players up and down the line-up that are reliable, and for once Cole might actually get lucky and not have his entire team injured down the stretch. Part of me hopes this is his year, but most of me thinks the train will come off the tracks around late February.

5) Jesse Loves Paymon - With the second best late draft pick (Sam Bennett at 124), JLP has a nice mixture of young and old players with a solid tandem of Bobby's in net. Time will tell if the health of his older players will hold up, but if so, this team, while not flashy, could be a dark horse this season.

6) Pistol's Hellcats - it is unreal that someone would keep Keith Yandle, then be able to grab Drew Doughty in the 2nd round (something is seriously wrong with this league). Pistol clearly pressed the wrong button when he drafted Max "I play for the motherfuckin Yotes" Domi 51st overall as there is no chance this guy would have been picked by anyone (except Bert) before the 10th round. This team is average but the goalies are superior and hence, The Hellcats will be in every single match this season.

7) Hatrick Swayze - Toots must have thanked Jeebus for being the 2nd in line to take over a franchise. This allowed him to acquire Crosby and some decent keepers instead of Zupan's complete mess of an acquisition. Toots decided to try and make things even by keeping Backes as opposed to Letang and taking JVR with the 7th overall selection. "Earth to Meekus...and Earth to Todd." Do you know Phil Kessel got traded in the off-season and that Toronto is as bad a team as the Canucks? LOL. While you started at rock bottom you did make some better picks along the way (couldn't get any worse) which will allow this team to fight for a playoff spot this post season.

8) Philosopher King - with the worst team name in the league, GM Luke Mackinnon scooped up the second best rookie in the draft with his selection of Connor McDavid. This team has a ton of offensive weapons and Klingberg could put up some in huge numbers this season as the QB of Dallas' PP. Goal is a glaring weakness however as any team with a shared crease is a dangerous position to be in and Martin Jones is anything but proven (Editor’s note: tied for most accurate assessment)

9) Super Sperm - no one gets under GM Ryan Schauble's skin quite like our very own Commissioner, but only Super Sperm is to blame for the horrific players drafted last Wednesday evening. Most of his squad was drafted in much too high a round, and due to this instead of being a contender with a solid group of keepers, SS will be fighting to make it into the playoffs. Oh, and it is utterly amazing that SS drafted Dano 123rd overall when he could have picked Panarin (who went 126th....to Anzoolander) who is actually on the team and Dano is riding the bus. LOL (Editor’s note: also tied).

10) Me So Vyborny - Ladies and Gentlemen, Phil Kessel is a Keeper, obviously (and Todd, he was traded to Pittsburgh in the off-season. Pittsburgh is a different city than Toronto and thus, JVR will no longer be playing with Kessel). With Kessel, Sharp and Johansen's stock all rising in the off-season due to new line-mates, a good draft would have propelled this team into contention. Unfortunately, the draft was just average and banking on Talbot, Anderson and Mason in net could hold this team back. Trades and/or waiver wire steals will be necessary to get this team to the promised land.

11) Kane and she was Abel (too soon?) - These will get shorter now as the remaining teams, well...aren't good? (with rising inflection of the voice). Any team with Big Buff should win but for some reason this team won't. On paper there are some big names, some grinders for PIMs but time will tell if they can gel as a team and win enough offensive categories to make up for the shaky goalies in the crease.

12) Connor McSaviors - GM Ryan Zupan didn't have much choice in the crap that was dumped on his lap, but this didn't stop him from drafting 2 more Oilers when he already has one in Taylor Hall. Good news for him is Draisaitl will actually be playing in the AHL to start the season so great strategy man! It will be interesting to see how Zupan wheels and deals during the season to try and replicate what Luke did last year (aka Silver Medallist aka Luke Dawg aka Loves Sunsets aka Hates Vegas (say whaaahhht) aka aka aka recycled burn thanks Court). As for Zupan's beloved Oilers, the great thing for McDavid is he has seen and done everything there is to do in Edmonton so he can focus entirely on hockey (Note: there is absolutely nothing to see or do in Edmonton) (Editor’s note: hahahahahahaha)

13) Kanucks - This team is about as deep as a well in Sudan (Editor’s note: I think you have to dig pretty deep to get water in Sudan, so I think he is referring to the amount of actual water in the well, but you get his drift). The players are household names (for the family of the players only) and having goalies in STL and OTT are just a bad, bad, bad idea. Almost as bad as an idea as this poor woman:

14) Chingchong Bingbongs - As the saying goes, you win some, you lose some, and you Chingchong Bingbong some. After trading away Jack Eichel (effectively) for a back up goalie in Carolina and Hornquist and 2 kgs of rice, clearly GM Bert Fong pulled an all-nighter before the draft as some of his picks were. just. shocking. Given the history of Bertmetrics there should be no reason to be shocked by GM Bert Fong, however, once again, we wuh wong. We all love our Token Asian and hope he can at least beat Dave this season. What a battle that will be for next years #1 pick!

Guest blogs are encouraged and appreciated all season to take the pressure off of Stupid Court, and can be very quick and dirty (that's what she said).

Good luck this season Gentlemen.

Anzoolander

What a great start. I feel excited.

And the Winners Are (And Draft Date, and House Cleaning, the Departed, and Newbie Intros and Whatever)

2015-09-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

The votes are in and there were clear winners, losers, and sometimes both at the same time. Let's go through the award winners.

Jack Adams - Luke Mackinnon. Impressive first year, as this rookie GM turned a playoff team into, well, a playoff team. And did it by taking advantage of the dumbest Asian I have ever met. And a Crossfitter (which means even dumber than the dumb Asian). So the rest of us suck. So, this actually got kind of depressing. Good job, I guess.

Eugene Adams - Bert Fong. No surprise (see above). Also, this is a repeat win for the original Eugene Adams award winner, and the only GM to win this twice. Hats off, we are all dumber for having played in a league with you.

Andy Kordyban - Luke Mackinnon. Great win here as he took the award Jesse Cook generally owns (three of last four go to him). Luke did bring great energy, spastic, incoherent ramblings, laughed harder at his own jokes than anyone else, and has a head that kind of resembles a penis. Pretty sure this isn't the last we have seen of Luke in the running for this coveted award. By the way, if you haven't met Andy, but you are from the Lower Mainland, watch this video, and I assure you by the end you will be saying "oh shit, that guy..."

If you made it to the one minute mark, stick tap to you sir.

Now onto the draft. If you haven't already seen the update on the league page, the draft is scheduled for 8:30 PST on September 30. Not everyone wanted to make it as this time, but it was the only time everyone COULD make it. Don't like it? Don't care. Rosters will be updated this week for off season trades (it takes time, I have a real job, and a wife, and a kid (all dumb decisions)). YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ROSTER WHEN IT IS ALL SAID AND DONE, NOT ME. I DON'T CARE IF YOU MARRIED A TEACHER AND BECAME A LIBERAL AND THEREFORE BELIEVE NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT. STEVE.

Now some sad news; as some of you may know, we have had two GMs leave our league this offseason. 1.5 of them were fairly actively engaged and added value to the league banter. The other 0.5 was Fatty; go fuck yourself Fatty. David Dugan is leaving us, and I for one can say he will be missed. His value being he overvalued someone other than the Canucks and had more knowledge of the Eastern Conference than most, and anyone who is a fan of the League and It Is Always Sunny in Philadelphia is ok in my books. I give you his parting message:

"Dearest Joe,

It it with great sadness that I submit my resignation as General Manager of the Halifax Highlanders. It was not an easy decision, as I have tried for years to build a winning team. The surprise departure of Ninja last year (how appropriate) and being the only East Coast team made me realize that a franchise relocation would be best for everyone. I'm sure that the new GM will be less of a Ted and more of a Ruxin. Thank you for all your hard work over the past years. I will still be checking in on the blog and if the new guys wins with my team, I want 20%. To all my fellow GM's, Go Puck Yourself, especially you Jesse, that playoff loss will haunt me for years.

Sincerely, That guy most of you never met.

Dave"

'sniff'. A little dusty in here.

Luckily, it appears we have added two absolute dip shits to our league, so that should be fun. And honestly, fresh blood reinvigorates most things, just ask Syrian rebels. Tonight I proudly introduce our two new GMs.

Ryan Zupan

Second greatest photo of the African continent ever

Taking over Fatty's team and now the Connor McSaviors, this picture pretty much says it all in terms of value he will bring. And that isn't even the reason I am excited he is joining our league. No, the reason I am excited is that he is a die hard Oiler fan. Die hards make bad fantasy hockey decisions, which means everyone else benefits. And supporting a team where talent goes to die? Absolute gold mine Jerry. But of course, he will tell you this year is going to be different, Connor McDavid is the real deal, things will turn around, blah blah blah blah, Devan Dubynk. Welcome to the big show, Mr. Zupan. By the way, after seeing that picture, I went to youtube to watch a video. Can you guess which one? I know at least 50% of you knew this was coming:

If you didn't get through this entire video, just quit the league now.

Todd Toothill

Taking over for Dugan, who had one of the best team names in the league and replacing it with Hatrick Sawyze, just awful insulting tradition like that. However, Todd is a personable, well dressed, well groomed and overall polished young man. He will be a fine addition to the league and we should all encourage him to do his best. I say all this, because Todd is mentally slow, as you will come to realize over time. Anyone who thinks Eli is better than Peyton has to be, amiright? I once saw him at a wedding get so befuddled giving a speech he just kept saying "aka, aka, aka" while his tiny brain worked in overtime. I just wanted to yell "Run Forrest!" and encourage him on, but he persevered. It was inspiring. Welcome to the league Todd, you are special and we are all supporting you.

In all seriousness, $50 says despite being semi-retarded he still easily beats Bert this year.

Let the games begin.

JM

Annual Awards and Choosing the Draft Date

2015-09-01T22:07:00.000-07:00

Welcome back sheepfuckers!

How has your summer been? From what I hear, everyone has been busy, usually as a result of their stupid mistakes (drinking, marriage, kids, home ownership). I am really excited to hear all about it.¹

Alright, first things first; awards voting! Every year, we award three awards to well deserving recipients. Lets revisit each of the awards and what they represent.

Jack Adams award – awarded annually to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to have contributed the most to his team’s success

Eugene Adams award – awarded annually to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to have contributed the most to his team’s failure

Andy Kordyban award – awarded annually the to the fantasy hockey general manager adjudged to be the biggest clown. Named after this clown:

The Uniduke

Let's look at the nominees:

Jack Adams award: Luke Mackinnon, Jesse Cook and Court Watson - The two teams in the Anze Cup Finals last year, and the team that went from out of the playoffs to third place. Luke took over the team early in the season and turned it into an instant contender, though that may have been the result of being new and therefore being able to fuck the shit out of Bert Fong over and over in a series of trades (He traded away Max Pacioretty and in return received Max Pacioretty and Ryan Getzlaf...what the fuck?!?!?). So maybe it was a fluke. Mr. Cook did a fine job last season in his first Anze Cup win, but leveraged his team's future significantly in the process, will be interesting to see what he will do. Court is just here because I needed three. He sucks and deserves no votes, (and neither does anyone else in the league).

Eugene Adams award: Bert Fong, Dave Kitchen and Matt Welsh - Perennially and consistently, the worst three teams in the league. In standings, in roster management, in trades, in playing hurt players, in life, in everything. Somehow amazingly, all three made the playoffs in 2011-12. Since then, now they are known as Tres Descansos Semanales.²

Andy Kordyban award: Jesse Cook, Luke Mackinnon, and Matt Welsh. Spends an inordinate amount of time on fantasy hockey, vocal, bit of a loudmouth know-it-all but still funny, ultimately fucks things up. Gotta admit, got a bit nostalgic when Luke joined this league, almost thought Kordyban was with us. God bless him.

Get your votes in on the side bar at right.

Now onto the draft. We need to pick a date. This is arguably my favorite part of the season. The complaining, the accusations, the basic dumbfuckery. Some people don't want weekends, some people don't want weekdays. Some people want earlier, some people want later. Some people are on the east coast, some people aren't. No time is perfect, suck it up. With that in mind, Here are some dates I am throwing out there:

Thursday, September 17 at 8:30 PM PST/11:30 PM EST
Friday, September 18 at 9 PM PST/12:00 AM EST
Wednesday, September 30 at 8:30 PM PST/11:30 PM EST
Saturday, October 3 at 1:30 PM PST/4:30 PM EST

PLEASE RESPOND VIA EMAIL WHAT YOUR PREFERENCE IS, IN ORDER. DO NOT SEND ME ONE DATE. For example. Here is an actual email from a moron:

"18th works"

Here is an email from a value added member of society:

"1. 18th, 2. 17th, 3. 30th, 4. 3rd. Headed to college football game on the 3rd, so I would miss"

Inevitably, someone will miss the draft. Unless they are a winner, like Jesse, who managed to do the draft WHILE ATTENDING THE BALLET. If he can do it then, you can do it while doing whatever the fuck you are doing. I don't get paid enough to deal with your shit about the draft times not being to your liking, so save it.³

I await all your responses. Also, you may see your roster from the end of last year. It will be updated over next week or so to reflect trades in the offseason. Be patient. Again, I don't get paid enough.⁴

Let's get this season rolling. Put the women and children to bed, and lets go hunting for dinner. At Jack In the Box, preferably. And don't kill a famous lion; makes life awkward.

JM

1 I couldn't care less^↩
2 Three Weekly Byes (I think)^↩
3 I get paid nothing. FML.^↩
4 Still nothing. Still FML.^↩

Champion’s Message

2015-04-15T20:47:00.001-07:00

As is the tradition, every year we feature a message from the new champion. With that, I present this year’s current champion, Jesse Dean Cook.

Your 2014/15 Anze Cup Champion - Anzoolander

In the wise words of Cole Ballard, "who the fuck is Anze Kopitar?" Well, he has just captained the greatest fantasy hockey team of all time to win The Anze Cup. All hail Anze (which in Slovenian means 'Great Handsome Man'), who is truly the King.

I'd first like to thank my worthy opponent in the finals, the Bizarrohawks for a valiant effort and a great season winning the President’s Trophy. It is a grind to win the regular season, however, the true test is beating three good teams in a row to win the Cup as opposed to God awful teams such as Not Poodle, Kanucks and the ChingChing BingBongs. Losing to those teams is like losing to Stevie Wonder in a game of rock, paper, scissors...just embarrassing.

I will also give Luke credit for encouraging more trades this year and we need even more next season. As my #1 selling bumper sticker says, "You win some, you lose some and you ChingChong Bingbong some." Looking at how Anzoolander made it to the top; I made some good trades and bad trades but the key is I made them. Stop being pussies and worry what other people think next season...we will make fun of you no matter how good or shitty the trade is. I expect the same back.

Great: James van Riemsdyk, Kari Lehtonen and my 2nd for Carey Price and CCBB 10th.

Awful: Devan Dubnyk, Chris Krieder AND my #1 for Pavel Datsyuk and Texans #6.

It would've been amazing to ride the DD 39 straight start train but I fucked that up and traded him a day before he caught fire. It's as if I listened to JLP to buy high on an aging has-been who will ultimately be injured 1/2 the remaining games. You suck Steve. Thanks for nothing.

Now, back to the Cup Final. A Legend was born and the Art Ross will be handed out to the stud of all Fantasy studs, Jamie "10 pts in 3 games" Benn.

Starting Benn was a no brainer, but where my skill is at a higher level than all of you losers put together is starting Cam "Clutch" Atkinson over Steven "Sniper" Stamkos. Then, having the foresight and confidence to start Drew Stafford (9% owned) and Yannick "The Bomb" Weber (7% owned) in the biggest week of the season while I sat back and watched them collect a combined 4 goals (the 2 PPG by Weber less than 2 minutes apart from the same spot was amazing....to everyone but me).

The last 3 Stanley Cup Champion Team Captains were: Kopitar, Toews, Kopitar. The current Art Ross winner is Jamie Benn. The favorite to win both the Vezina and the Hart trophies is Carey Price. And these players are ALL ON THE SAME TEAM?! What great management. Simply outstanding. Top shelf. Anzoolander simply cannot be stopped.

Pistol's Hellcats (GM Pete Shpak) are now the former champ and will have no more nights like these alone thinking to himself while sipping from The Cup "God Anze is so damn good looking, and tall."

Finally, thank you Stupid Court for running such a great league. I would give you higher praise, however, you just got back from a week at The Masters without me so you can just go fuck yourself.

The End. Your Hero. Anze Cook

Playoff Eulogy: The Bizarrohawks

2015-04-14T09:36:00.001-07:00

In honor of teams being eliminated from the playoffs, I present to you the seventh in a series of eulogies for those teams, as written by a peer. Here, Everett Silvertips GM Court Watson pays his respects to the Bizarrohawks.

Bizarrohawks – RIP 2015

This team finished first loser. Not bad.

I am not sure what to make of this team, nor the rookie GM, Luke Mackinnon. Certainly he showed his time in the other JV leagues he is in has given him some skills, but what skills are those? It isn’t like he inherited a bad team, with Tarasenko, Giordano, Bishop, Crawford, Zetterberg and Pacioretty all handed to him on a silver platter. He made some great trades along the way, but were they great trades, or is he the beneficiary of the new guy phenomenon? He certainly used his newness to take advantage of Bert, trading Pacioretty for Getzlaf and Pacioretty. One wonders if those kind of trades will be available to him in the future (knowing Bert, the answer is probably yes).

One just has to look at Luke’s active posting on the message board and emails exchanged with GMs in trade negotiations and they quickly get this image in their heads:

Maybe his best skill is sitting right beside a guy who is also in this league and working the hard sale all season long on someone with maybe a bit less knowledge of fantasy hockey (side note, Luke made zero trades with any team in the playoffs). Having a boss in this league who allows you to spend as much time running hypothetical trade scenarios as Luke does is a great thing. Maybe he can keep this up, taking advantage of those teams at the bottom. Maybe Fatty will set his lineup one day. Solid maybes. Except the last one. Quit Fatty.

Regardless, winning the President’s Trophy and Anze Cup is the same year is an amazing feat. A feat that Luke failed to accomplish (it has only happened once, ahem, thank you). But I enjoyed his passion, his random bizarre posts when he was off his ADHD medication, and his lengthier rants when he was on it. While Scott Freeland may be have been quiet, he still spent a lot of time on this league, so I wouldn’t say having Luke is better, it is just different. And maybe in a good way, because fantasy leagues all have expiry dates; they run their course over time. New blood can help keep them going, similar to machines keeping a technically dead person alive in a comatose state. Jesus, that was a horribly depressing analogy.

Speaking of horribly depressing, the performance by Bizarrohawks in the finals was about as bad as it gets in a championship. Like Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl bad. The only logical conclusion from watching that match is that Luke was horribly out managed by Anzoolander GM Jesse Cook. It was like a Shaolin Master teaching his pupil by beating him with a stick. I hope Luke took notes and learned something from that embarrassment. Blaming injuries of guys on the bench? Just sad.

Better luck next year. Looking forward to seeing you in action again.

Court