MTHOKO SAYS...

A valuable lesson from Thaba'Nchu (The Black Mountain)

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 10:33:00 +0000

I recently spent a week in Thaba'Nchu in the Eastern Free State. Close to Lesotho, this little, laid back town, with a lovely view of "The Black Mountain," gave me the chance to be away from the maddening crowd. It also provided me with an unexpected lesson in inter-racial and inter-cultural relations.

During that week, I worked closely with a white teacher/farmer from Ficksburg and black university students who hail from within the area. It turned out that the white man spoke impeccable SeSotho with the correct accent. The Sotho youth could only open their mouths in amazement as this English man conversed with them in deep SeSotho and even quoted proverbs that many of them could not understand. While they spoke the modern, colloquial version of their language, this man spoke the formal, undiluted version that they probably associate with their grandparents and other elders.

Interesting as that experience was, the lesson that I learned goes beyond knowing that some white men are fluent in SeSotho. He is not the first or the last to do so. Back home, I have met white people (such as legendary Zimbabwe and international cricketer, Heath Streak) who speak fluent SiNdebele and I have met black people who speak Afrikaans as well as Jan Van Riebeeck probably did. My lesson was that we all need to know more about other people and other cultures. Even if we will never speak their languages, it is imperative that we open our hearts and minds to understand other people's ways, beliefs, and backgrounds. Here in South Africa, there are too many racial and ethnicity based stereotypes that contribute to making the term "Rainbow Nation" a laughable fairy tale. Coupled with ignorance, the combination becomes lethal fuel for racism, ethnicism and xenophobia.

We need to get rid of wrong notions such as: All Xhosas and Zulus are stubborn, all Zimbabweans are Shonas, all West Africans are Nigerians and are drug dealers, all Sothos eat horse meat, all Afrikaners are racist, all black people are noisy, true Tswanas are only found in Botswana, Vendas are all dark skinned, all black people who speak English are not proud of being black; the list is endless. If we erase them from our minds, it will dawn upon us that we are more alike than we are different. We will realise that in any culture, good values are the same. We also need to realise that learning more about other people and adopting the good aspects of their ways does not mean that we become lesser members of our own cultural societies. The Sotho speaking white son of Ficksburg is not a lesser English South African because of his knowledge of the ways of the Sotho people. He is more enlightened and enriched. Surely that renders him superior to many of us!

Never say the name Malema in a compliment to your wife

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 05:58:00 +0000

Julius Malema (in purple) and partner

Having studied and taught the English language in an academic context for a good number of years, I would not call myself a novice in the artistic world of metaphors, similes and figurative language in general. It was with great astonishment (and risk of life) however, that I learnt that when it comes to using such language as tools to compliment ladies, I am still lost in the wilderness. I rate lowly together with millions of other men also lounging in the deepest bowels of that dungeon called ignorance!

Whether you are a literary genius or rocket scientist, our beloved species of human that answers to the name "Female," continues to be a mystery and enigma to us merely mortal males. A few days ago, I decided to compliment my wife on how great she looked. "You look like a million dollars," I said. At that stage things were going well, and I inwardly applauded myself as I noticed the outer edges of her mouth give way to a wide smile. Feeling motivated, I decided to fire another compliment her way. Little did I know that I should have quit when I was still ahead.

I turned on what I thought was more charm: "Hun, you look so good that one could easily think you are one of those high profile celebrity ladies, maybe the wife of Julius Malema!" The smile on my sweetheart's face swiftly vanished and gave way to a scary combination of glare, scowl and frown. Whoever said looks do not kill, needs to urgently review that statement because if that was not a near-death experience, then I do not know what is! I understand why some people might not be too thrilled about being associated with the controversial, insult spewing ANC Youth League leader, (oops, I meant former ANC Youth League leader). My sentiments were based on the premise that Malema is wealthy and well connected and therefore will be bound to have a fine looking celebrity wife.

Whether you might like it or not, the fact remains that our modern day “Comrade of the perpetual, never-ending struggle,” is loathed by many, but also adored by a multitude of South Africans and other nationalities who subscribe to his anarchial and derogatory demeanour. One only has to glance at newspaper headlines or watch the news to realise that Juju has celebrity status. If he was married, surely his future bride would automatically assume celebrity status? Surely she would, by nature of her status, strive to always exude class and elegance in her style? This would be vital to make up for Juju's lack of finesse and to ensure that she becomes an icon that offers more to the Malema package.

Anyway to cut a long story short, no amount of justification could put my “You look like the wife of Julius Malema,” compliment in any good stead. An total about turn from the unsavoury compliment had to be done urgently. Thanks to a series of apologies, I saved my life and am able to live to write another blog post. Be therefore advised all you men, not to draw any parallels between your wife, fiancee or girlfriend and any controversial celebrities; real or imagined. Do not tell your lady that she is more gorgeous than Mrs Grace Mugabe, Mrs Kenny Kunene or Paris Hilton for that matter. It does not matter how stylish or gorgeous these people might be, keep well clear from controversy! Take heed of my advice if you know what is good for you!

Jacko and Dr. Murray- Who's Bad?

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 04:06:00 +0000

True to our predictions, Dr Conrad Murray has been found guilty of killing Michael Jackson by administering to the Pop icon, heavy dosages of the powerful theatre anaesthetic, Propofol and anti-anxiety drug, Lorazepam. With some states having already de-registered this latest version of Doctor Death, Dr. Murray’s medical career is not looking bright at all. Hopefully for his family, he has made enough "stash" as a celebrity doctor to secure his financial future. He has options though. An autobiographical publication and maybe offers for movie rights will surely lurk close to him in the corner of some Californian jail cell.

Anyway, let us get to the heart of this blog post. Michael Jackson's family have from day one, laid the blame for the death of the King of Pop squarely on Dr. Murray's shoulders; So have the icon's millions of fans worldwide, as well as Los Angeles County deputy district attorney, David Walgren and the jury. Is this entirely true and fair? As much as I also adored the musical genius of Jackson, I emphatically say, "NO!"

What some of my fellow star struck and emotionally scarred fans forget is that, "He who pays the Piper plays the tune." The issue is not that the dosage was too and high and therefore fatal. It is not about whether the overdose was self administered by Jackson or by Murray. The fact that Jackson knowingly took the drug outside of the walls of a hospital theatre means that he shares an equal if not greater blame than his doctor does. It is shockingly naive to think that "Doctor Death" was paid a whooping $150 000 a month to just pump anything he wanted into Jacko's anatomy, without Jackson having any awareness or say in it all. MJ did not become a singing and stage performing sensation from being stupid and clueless. It is therefore best to scratch that notion from our books of blame.

I am not at all suggesting that Murray should have been left to go scot-free. On the contrary, a four year sentence (possibly under house arrest) could be rather lenient for this Grenada born medic who shattered the Hippocratic oath and ethics into smithereens. My qualms are with the manner in which most people have conveniently forgotten that the illegal activities of this doctor were financed by Jackson himself. I have a problem with the insinuation that prior to his death, Jackson was a healthy, bouncy, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed individual who had no long history of addiction to prescription drugs.

Overdose or not, Propofol had no place in Jackson's body and Murray certainly did not put a gun to Jackson's head for him to take it. Our airwaves will never be the same and our TV sets will probably never again display the same levels of dazzle that we witnessed in the days of Thriller, Bad, and Heal the World. Sad as that may be, let us not allow our emotions to cloud our judgements. One needs to think objectively when attempting to answer the question posed by one of Jacko's own songs, "The whole world wants to know, who's bad?"

For History not to judge us harshly in the future, we need to write down suicide as the cause of Michael Jackson's death on the very same page that we record Dr. Conrad Murray's involuntary manslaughter verdict.

Breaking News: UN bans Please Call Me SMSes

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 19:22:00 +0000

Please Call Me messages to become a thing of the past

Breaking news: World leaders at a UN Convention have passed a resolution to fast track new laws in their countries, banning the free Please Call Me sms service that many of their cellphone network providers offer. The new laws will compel network providers to remove this service from their systems and in its place implement a Please Call Me - It's an Emergency sms system.

Under the new system, subscribers will only be able to send free messages asking the recipients to call them back only if it is an emergency. Should it be found that there has been an abuse of this service and there is no emergency, offenders will face punitive measures that range from hefty fines, lengthy prison terms and life bans on cellphone usage.

Briefing journalists on what motivated this unexpected resolution, some of the UN General Assembly leaders pointed out that an undesirable breed of Please Call Me fanatics had developed and these needed to be culled before their mutation spread and became a worldwide plague. People with sufficient credit to call their friends and colleagues or with sufficient money to buy it, were resorting to Please Call Me's to avoid spending money. The unfortunate recipients of these call me requests were calling back only to discover that they were being taken advantage of. It has been declared a gross violation of human rights to prompt people to spend their airtime credit to call you, yet you are the one who needs their assistance and should therefore be the one calling them.

The alternative Please Call Me - Its an Emergency system, will ensure that only genuine and important Call Me requests are sent. Analysts see the proposed punitive measures as a sufficient deterrent to ward off offenders. As news spreads of these new worldwide developments, cellphone users have been reported to be at either the high echelons of jubilation or the lowest depths of disgust, depending on whether they are victims or offenders.

For further information on the implementation of these laws in your country, contact your communications department or mobile network provider.

Blackberry saga reminds us that we are not robots

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 21:21:00 +0000

The Blackberry internet outage came and is now history. The silly jokes at the expense of the hapless Blackberry users have circulated at viral speed worldwide and they have also subsided. People's blood pressures have sky rocketed and normalised again. At the end of it all, one stark question still stands glaringly, awaiting an answer. How were we able to survive before our smartphones, tablets and notebooks?

One is reminded through this Blackberry Saga, of the panic attack that was triggerd by the fear of known as the Y2K millenium bug. It gripped humanity on the eve of the 1st of January 2000. All awaited with bated breath, hoping against all hope that the ushering in of a new century would not lead to a global crash of computer systems. This week's Blackberry debacle has proved once again that man is now a slave of technology. Who can bravely stand up and claim that he is master of technology and is not at its absolute mercy? No siree, few can honestly make such a proclamation. What we need to do now and again is take breaks from Skype, Gtalk, Twitter, Blackberry Messenger, Facebook, Whatsapp and the host of other applications that we use to get in touch. Let us make a deliberate effort to communicate via a good, old fashioned sms or to make a normal telephone call. Let us park our cars and walk to the shops and let us handwash our laundry now and then. Switch off your computers and TV sets once in a while. Why do all of this?

The reason is simple: to remind ourselves that life is not a Science fiction flick in which we rely on some gadget, program or application to live. We need to remind ourselves that we invented this technology, it did not invent us. We are not robots, we are human! If Hagar the horrible, Tarzan, Asterix and Fred Flintstone could survive in the olden days with the most primitive and bare necessities, there is no logical reason why we cannot. Think about it, should we not go back to the basics?

Gotta love you true enemies!

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 21:51:00 +0000

Next time someone tells you that they do not like you much, or cannot stand your guts, count yourself as lucky and privileged. Lucky and privileged? Indeed! it could be worse. Had it been someone else, he or she might have chosen to hate your guts and wish you off the face of the earth, all under the cover of a fake, insincere smile. That would render you a potential victim for a painful backstabbing.

The saying that we must keep our friends close and our enemies closer has existed since Methuselah was in diapers. It is easy for your enemy to keep you close by pretending to be your friend, but how can you in turn keep your enemies close if you do not even know that they are your enemies? Imagine pouring your heart out to someone that you erringly consider to be a close friend. You share your secrets, your fears, your dreams and aspirations then later learn you are now the subject of cheap gossip. Surely little else can be as heart wrenching as having your fears and weaknesses used against you.

Give me an open and honest foe anyday. With him, I know exactly where I stand. There is no fake and valueless friendship and we know where we stand with each other. In some weird, somewhat twisted and ironic manner, this open enmity is guided by mutually established boundaries and respect. There is no risk of running into a mirage that upon closer scrutiny will vanish away and leave me with an open mouth, wondering why I never saw things for what they were. Having been let down many times by fake and insincere friends who secretly harboured ill feels towards me, I stand by my sentiments. I say it again; give me an open and honest foe, anyday!

Mandela called a devil by a street protester

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Mon, 18 Jul 2011 20:46:00 +0000

Nelson Madiba Mandela

As South Africa and the rest of the world celebrated Mandela’s birthday and put in their sixty seven minutes worth of good deeds, out here in Welkom, South Africa, one man had a different idea. Were I not a first hand eye witness, I might not have believed what I saw. I will therefore desist from taking offence if you should choose not to believe me.

Marching into the city centre was a dreadlocked black man, dressed in a black robe, black trousers and walking bare footed. Around his dreadlocks, was a bandana decorated in Rastafarian colours. Before you query what on earth I am on about and what bare footed Rastafarians have to do with Mandela, read on esteemed reader!

This unshod character was on a one man march, trudging on the tar as effortlessly as if he had shoes on, while he held up a placard on which was painted the words, “Happy Birthday Devil!” Although I did not ask him who this devil is, I did not need to be a nuclear physicist to make a logical conclusion. Why the shock, some of you may ask? I am not naive enough to think that everyone adores Mandela, and I am aware that even among some black South Africans, a minority exists that believes that his role in the country’s struggle is over elevated and underplays the role of other revolutionaries. Others believe that he is bordering on being a human idol and that he risks being propelled into a religious cult figure by his supporters. Some websites have made unsubstantiated claims that he is linked to secret societies such as freemasonry. Needless to say, there are also many of his former political foes who will never do cartwheels out of love for Madiba.

Despite having this knowledge of what exists on the other side of the Mandela coin, it still remains a weird sight to observe someone making so bold and strong a statement. The expression on his face hinted at someone who really believed in his cause and was not merely seeking attention. If some local news people do not get hold of this man and interview him, we will never know the reasons for his sentiments. As bitter a pill as it may be for most of the world to swallow, the sight of this anti-Madiba demonstrator waving his unsavoury placard has one positive twist to it. It is a reminder that Madiba’s personal sacrifice was meant to benefit all the people in South Africa. He fought for the right for all to have their say, even those who choose to call him a devil.

Are you your friend's comforter or interrogator?

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 09:26:00 +0000

Do you give words of comfort to your troubled friend or do you interrogate them and make them feel worse?

Do you ever select and deselect words when speaking to someone who is or has just undergone some form of trial or tribulation? Are you one of those who do not stop to think whether your words to troubled friends will comfort or depress further? If you are, I suggest that you enrol for the next available interpersonal skills course!

It took a recent incident where I was the victim of a house break-in to remember that not all people who come in the name of sympathy or support are truly sympathetic or supportive. A countless number of “friends,” were more interested in knowing how the thief had entered, what he stole and why we only discovered the crime when we woke up in the morning. A depressingly few number of people were interested in giving me reassurance or asking if my wife and I were fine. Some people actually had the gall to ask me why I think these people broke in! Believe me when I say it took the greatest restraint on my part, not to let loose some harsh words to these overly inquisitive interrogators. Not even the investigating officers had so many questions to ask me!

One of the worst scenarios that makes my stomach churn in disgust is when our so called sympathisers engage with the sick or bereaved. They blatantly ignore the pain that people go through at that time and want to play doctor, doctor; if not shrink, shrink. How can you grill someone who is on a hospital bed about their chances of recovery or their medical history? Is it human to demand that a bereaved person give graphic details about how their loved ones passed on?

The bottom line is this: If you find your curiosity getting the better of you at times when you need to comfort others, then please keep the good old trap shut! I concede that part of showing concern involves wanting to understand the situation. The amount of information that is to be divulged however, is the sole prerogative of the victim. Always remember that too much probing only worsens the problem.

Good service delivery begins with you!

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 07:31:00 +0000

Lazy public official

Having waited for over a year for the South African Department of Home Affairs to render a certain official service for my wife, it took an email to the Director General to finally get it done. Before the email, our local regional office could not give a concrete explanation for the delay; neither could the department’s phone-in help desk. The email reminded them that we had a legal obligation to receive at least a progress update for a service that we had paid for. It also reminded them that a year of waiting was not in line with the minister's new vision for the department. The response was speedy, to say the least. All this took place a few weeks ago and viola; we were happy clients as of yesterday!

While the speedy intervention is much appreciated and the positive and apologetic manner in which the query was handled made up in part for the initial poor service, it got me thinking. Why does it take a complaint to the higher echelons of organisational hierarchy to receive basic service that is often a right? This is especially true when it comes to government departments. Who has not read or watched news reports of pregnant women suffering miscarriages while nurses in public hospitals chat away? Few can say they have never heard of young men and women who have waited for years to receive their school leaving certificates and due to that, cannot attend university or find employment. Do not get me started on water and electricity provision by the municipalities. As surely as the sun shines however, throw in a TV exposé or strong complaint to leadership and these crises evaporate with astounding efficiency and in record time!

This trend is common throughout the world, in all the continents. What vary are the levels of inefficiency and the levels of tolerance that people have for this poor service delivery. It does not take rocket science to see that out there are multitudes of rude and lazy public servants sitting on their fat behinds and earning salaries that they do little or no work for. What we fail to remember however, is that it is your vote, your service fee, your tariffs and your taxes that keep these people employed. If these people are not delivering, it is within your rights to express your disapproval and demand the type of service that you deserve. Believe it or not, it is within your rights as well to give them the boot should they fail to shape up. It is high time that we as the public shouldered some of the blame for the suffering that we endure at the hands of these slobs, instead of only blaming government. Think about this the next time that you complain. What steps have YOU taken to put this house in order? The change that you yearn for begins with you!

Once upon a dime

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 20:17:00 +0000

Have you ever lent money to someone who came to you begging and grovelling on bended knee because he or she was in an extremely precarious financial position? Do you remember parting with a sizeable amount of money that you really could not afford to lend out, but sacrificed because your conscience would not allow you to leave someone to sink into a financial cesspool while you watched?

I can testify to having put myself into a financial squeeze so as to assist others. What normally convinces us to extend these lines of credit are the promises of a speedy return of the money within days or weeks. It does not appear too bad to let go of a sum of money if you hope to have it back within a short period of time.

Let me be the one to tell you if you do not know already, that these out of the blue money requests, accompanied by emotional and teary promises to return the money in no time at all, are usually acts worthy of Oscars. The trend is that when the due date of repayment arrives, your debtor will promptly inform you that there has been a technical error in the payroll system at work. As a result of that, your money will be delayed by a few more days. The technical error story will eventually give way to excuses of a less believable nature. A month after the due date, you will have no choice but to accept that you will not be getting your money back at any time soon, if at all. At that stage, your once pathetic, teary-eyed debtor will have evolved into an artful dodger who has the amazing ability to vanish into thin air whenever you are in close proximity to him.

Cruel as it sounds, if someone you do not trust or whose credit worthiness you are not familiar with, asks for a loan, the answer on your lips should be a big, fat, “No!” Ignore the cries of desperation because if you do not, you will most likely be the one crying in desperation when you need the money back and it is nowhere to be seen. You also run the risk of becoming an angry Shylock, out to cut a pound of flesh from the defaulter's body. That is not good at all for your well-being. The only exception to this rule is if you have a loadful of extra cash that you do not need and are prepared to lend it out with the possibility that at any time, it might have to be written off as a donation. If that is your case, then feel very free to assist whoever comes knocking at your door!

Exposé on Lazola Zanele Hartland - Facebook Con Woman

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Sun, 10 Apr 2011 17:02:00 +0000

As we all know, social networks nowadays are more than just vehicles to connect with friends. The Twitters and Facebooks of this world have been piggy backed by media, celebrities, businesses and other brands, utilising them as an effective marketing tool to reach thousands, if not millions at the click of a button. Unfortunately, some people in turn piggy back the online profiles of these celebrities to further their own criminal agenda. I speak here with a particular name in mind, a South African female con-artist who goes by the Facebook name of Lazola Zanele Hartland.

About three weeks ago, one of South Africa's most popular television and radio presenters, a lady whose on stage name is synonymous with the letter "B" and and "Bees," the insects; put up a status update about a promotional event that she would soon be involved in. As is the norm, such updates go viral and elicit dozens of responses within a few minutes. Some of these responses are actually ambush marketing tactics whereby people take advantage of the many followers responding to the status update to post links to their own sites and blogs, or to sell merchandise. While this might not be entirely ethical, I have no qualms about that, seeing as the celebrity is also gaining mileage from the followers of that page. What irks me is when people post deceptive information that is meant to swindle unsuspecting victims out of their money. This is what this Lazola character did. She posted a comment that read:

Lazola Zanele Hartland dial *code*code*phone number*code# ...... they giving away AIRTIME, do it NOW!!!! (MTN)

27 minutes ago · Like · 1 person

I have deliberately excluded the digits of the codes, so as not to give ammunition to other online thieves out there, but the fact of the matter is that by punching in those digits, one would actually be transferring their airtime to her phone! In the most polite words that I could master, I sent a message to her inbox to alert her that what she had done was wrong and also criminal. Boy oh boy, in typical spineless and cowardly manner, she responded by sending me a long list of English and Xhosa profanities. This name calling ranged from me being human excrement, to being a smelly fart, all the way to downright xenophobic terminology (probably after viewing my nationality status on my profile). She had the cheek to demand that I buy her airtime instead of telling her off about her crime. At one point, this loony told me not to be holier-than-thou and think that I am better than she is. I was then told to jump off a cliff and hang myself. My last words were to tell her that I do not think I am better, I AM better! I wonder though how possible it is to jump off a cliff and hang oneself at the same time!

Some might say this is a non-event and that some lunatics are not worth the time and effort. Think however of the many unsuspecting victims who are technologically and economically disadvantaged, who will fall prey not just to Lazola Zanele Hartland, but to many others like her. We owe it to them to make them aware of such scams and to expose these confidence tricksters that lurk on our social networks. Let me know and let her know what you think of Lazola's activities.

Watch this space mid-week as I name and shame another cyber criminal calling himself Bertin Galliam.
___________________________________________________________________

Update

Our slimy creepy crawly has contacted me via my Facebook profile to gloat further about her evil and criminal deeds.This is what she had to say.

Between You and Lazola Zanele Hartland

Lazola Zanele Hartland 10 April at 21:02 Report

Ok dude y r u soo obsessed with me u r actually amusing get over yourself. As if u writting a blog abt me changes anything, guess wat nuthing's changed *suprise* lol

Sent via Facebook Mobile

If you have not shared this post already, please do so, name and shame and stop her evil game. She might think we are obsessed about her, but the truth is we are incapacitating criminals like her. Maybe she needs to feel the heat of the long arm of the law?

Welkom murder crime most unwelcome

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 10:28:00 +0000

Whenever one hears the name Welkom, one usually thinks of a city famous for its uniqueness of not having traffic lights but only traffic circles (roundabouts). It is also known for its gold mines and of course the Phakisa Grand Prix Racetrack, with its popular Phakisa New Year’s Beach on the Track event. While it would be extremely untruthful to say that crime is non-existent in the Goldfields, one hardly associates the area with gruesome murders of a seemingly cult-like nature.

My Johannesburg based friends often pull my leg about me being based in the middle of nowhere. My response is to usually agree that I am in the middle, but not the middle of nowhere. I point out to them that I am in the middle of South Africa. From this central location I am only two hours from Johannesburg and yet in the same two hours, I could be scaling the refreshing mountains of Lesotho. I then go on to argue that there is no major retailer found in Joburg that cannot be found here in Welkom, so I am not missing out on much. Then there is the issue of not having traffic nightmares or much of dirty streets in this city. My greatest trump card however, is always my reminder to my friends that here I do not have to worry about being mugged when taking an evening stroll and that I can drive with open car windows, without a care about being hijacked. I can lose my wallet in the street and realistically hope that I will recover it with the contents still intact.

Well, it seems I might have to be on the lookout for another trump card, after this week, South African news headlines screamed about the ghastly murder of twenty-three year-old Michael van Eck and the discovery of his disembodied torso at a Welkom graveyard on Sunday. All this apparently followed a date he had the night before with a Facebook lady friend. As I watched a news report about yesterday’s initial court appearance of a couple found in possession of Van Eck’s body parts at their home: Maartens van der Merwe, 24, and Chane van Heerden, 20, a few thoughts came to my mind. We need to constantly remember and remind others that:

Noone should be trusted. The only human being that any person can truly trust one hundred percent is him or herself. Sadly nowadays, spouses, parents and siblings commit crimes and abuse their next of kin, so even family is not to be trusted.
Socialising with “friends” that are met on social networks should (if at all it should happen) be limited to the social networks. We need to keep a clear distinction between the real world and the cyber world.
Crime is not limited to a particular race, age group or social class. Never lose your guard just because you think a person does not fit into your pre-conceived idea of what a murderer or other criminal looks like.

On Sunday I will post a tale on this blog, of a foul mouthed South African Facebook criminal who goes by the name of Lazola Zanele Hartland and my futile attempts to get her to desist from her online criminal practice. Keep a look out as well, next week, for a post on a particularly persistent email conman who calls himself Bertin Galliam.

The April fools' joker is the real April fool!

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 13:07:00 +0000

When I was still a toddler, I always derived a lot of pleasure from April fool's day. I can certainly recall the moments of glee when I would tell a friend or family member utter falsehoods of a shocking or heartbreaking nature, with such a straight face that they would swallow it all in; hook, line and sinker. After allowing myself some moments of sadistic pleasure at witnessing their shocked and sometimes panicky reactions, I would then remind them that it was the first of April and they had just become another statistic on the April Fools' list. The shock and panic would then swiftly give way to either sheepish grins as my noodles (prank victims) kicked themselves for falling for my lies, or at times the shock and panic would yield to angry outbursts. Either way, I would have had my fun.

One of the best pranks that I witnessed as a young teenager was when some older boys in high school, lifted a lady teacher's tiny Renault 4 from the staff parking lot and placed it by a fish pond in the school. At that time, I could not help admire what I perceived to be the pure genius of it all. Admittedly, my April Fools' pranks were limited in scope and I would never have had the guts to participate in such a daring scheme. That element of cowardice was probably good for me and saved me from a lot of trouble. It did not mean however, that I did not appreciate the deed. Sending an otherwise tough and stern teacher into a emotional mess upon discovering that her car had "disappeared" from the parking lot, was in my book, the ultimate April Fool's prank!

On hindsight, I realise that I was the April Fool. My April Fools' jokes and lies secured me a place on the real April Fools' list. The senior high school jokesters who hid the teacher's car by the fish pond, the newspaper editors who put up front page headlines about non-existant bomb blasts and tsunamis, as well as the false alarmists who tweet lies about Jackie Chan being dead on Twitter are the real fools. I say a fool is someone who does foolish things and not one who unwittingly falls victim to someone else's foolishness!

I read someone's status update on a social network today and it got me thinking. If Christianity and other religions do not condone the speaking and practising of falsehoods, can we claim to be true Christians, Muslims, Hindus, etc, if we engage in them? Some might feel that my change of heart towards the day is too extreme and that I have become too judgemental on something that is just harmless fun. I do not think so. What can begin as harmless fun may develop into something bigger and not so harmless. When your April fool decides to get back at you and comes up with a retaliatory scheme that will leave you not so amused, a battle is likely to develop as newer and more distasteful methods are employed in seeking to make fools out of each other. More dangerously, the culture of lying and hurting others becomes ingrained in the minds of the younger generation who then grow up with weakened values.

Hopefully one day, most people will realise that April Fools' day is nothing but a glorification of foolish behaviour and the practice will become a thing of the past. The history of the day though, dates back to the 16th century, so do not hold your breath about it fading away! That might not happen anytime soon.

Aren't we all stupid TV addicts?

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 21:20:00 +0000

I must admit that the producers of soapies and adventure movies know how to exploit our gullible and often than not, stupid minds. What am I on about? I am on about those television scenes where our protagonists always find themselves in sticky situations such as being holed up at gunpoint at the mercy of some deranged psychopath. Do these heroes and heroines ever come out of those situations in a body bag?

Although we know all too well that the series centres on this star and he is the reason that the show scoops awards every year, we still get goose bumps whenever it seems that he might emerge second best to the villains. We suffer sleepless nights, tossing and turning and wondering whether in the next episode, our superhero will survive the ambush, hostage situation, intensive care unit or other similar threat to his existence. A common scene often involves a struggle with the bad guys over a firearm which always ends with the gun fired. We then bite our nails and hope that it is not our beloved screen icon who has been shot. While now and again the villain does emerge as the victor, in most cases the protagonist survives and lives to tell another tale.

This then takes me back to my statement. We surely are stupid because we not only lap up all this make believe hogwash, but also fool ourselves into believing that the worst can really happen to our superstar. The chances of the superhero dying or losing a battle do exist but are never as high as those of survival. If it is obvious that survival will win the day, why then the sleepless nights and anxiety? It is high time that we woke up and stopped taking television so seriously. There is after all, a real world out there!

What triggered such a facial expression?

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Fri, 25 Feb 2011 14:07:00 +0000

Over the last few days I have received emails from online conmen offering me millions of US dollars for assisting them to transfer so-called dormant funds from bank accounts in West Africa to my account. I will be sharing with you in a few days to come, the content of these hoax emails. For now though, the only reference I would like to make to them is the photograph above. When one of the fraudsters asked for a picture of me as part of the business dealings, I searched for this picture and sent it to him.

I must admit that I find this picture “interesting.” Our friend pictured above is certainly equipped with facial features that only a mother could love and appreciate. Add to that his unorthodox expression and hey presto; an ideal photo to send to our online confidence tricksters. What though could be the cause of this facial expression? Some possibilities are?

A severe and painful bout of constipation?
An “Oh my gosh!” moment after taking a peek at the mirror?
A burning hot chilli sauce induced diarrhoea?
Auditions for the role of the beast in Beauty and the Beast or a modern day Alfred Hitchcock horror flick?
He could have unknowingly sat on a inch long nail!

More suggestions from you will definitely help in unravelling the mystery of our aesthetically challenged friend!

Will Egypt ever be the same?

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 17:00:00 +0000

With all the current mayhem occuring in Egypt and that which has prevailed in Tunisia, there are so many mixed emotions that are triggered. I for one, am sick and tired of the selfish megalomaniacs that have held our wonderful continent at ransom and as if they are little gods. From North to South, East to West, we have read for decades, news headlines about how our beautiful Africa has been raped and plundered and oppressive and demagogic regimes have become the norm rather than the exception. I have blogged before about this depressing state of affairs and wondered for how long Africa will continue to suffer such humiliation and indignity. Obviously something has had to give and that is being witnessed in Egypt.

While it will always be refreshing to see democracy rise up and kick some backside, it is also saddening to see people lose their lives and suffer gaping wounds on their heads just because of a one, two or slightly more thick-headed individuals who are too slow or too stubborn to get a simple message: You have had your time, call it a day! How one person can resist the will of millions and hang on at great cost, is beyond my understanding- but then I have never sat in the chair of the dictatorial chamber, so I will never fully understand.

As Mubarak tries to deal the few remaining cards of his losing hand, I wonder whether Egypt will move on from this ordeal to become a better example of African and Arabian governance. Will Egypt ever be the same again? Will she still conjure up romantic pictures of camels, sandy deserts, pharoahs, pyramids, the Nile River, the Suez canal, papyrus reeds, shaduf watered plantations and all the other things that have led us to associate that North African land as the heart of modern civilisation?

I truly hope that aspect of Egypt's reputation will not be replaced by the bloody images that have sent CNN, BBC and other TV and Internet news networks into overdrive; images of a nation in a desperate but determined attempt to unpluck a nasty blood-sucking leech called Mubarak. More than that, I truly hope this will be a worthwhile lesson for all in Africa. A lesson that will lead to greater respect for the will of the people by all those who rule on this continent. So many revolutions have brought great promise at great cost, only to disappoint when that promise turns out to be a repackaged version of the old. Only time will tell with regards to this latest Egyptian revolution.

Mandela-Mugabe lots in common, total opposites

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 19:40:00 +0000

There have been two health scares regarding two prominent African political giants over the past week or so. The world is presently shaken by the admittance of Nelson Mandela to Johannesburg's Milpark Hospital due to an undisclosed ailment. Judging from the number of prominent visitors who have flocked to visit the liberation stalwart, there might be some truth in rumours that he has suffered a collapsed.

Last week, news networks were also abuzz with rumours of Robert Mugabe having had emergency prostrate surgery in Malaysia. The Malaysian authorities first refused to confim or deny the rumours, then gave an all out denial later. Needless to say, Mugabe and his Zanu-PF party have rubbished these rumours and attributed them to the same elements that regularly churn out false rumours about his health and at times, his "death."
As I reflect on the two leaders, I come to a realisation that the two men share so much in common, yet paradoxically, they are total opposites. Both men have qualifications in law, and both attended the famous Fort Hare University in South Africa's Eastern Cape province. They are past victims of oppressive minority regimes and had to face lengthy prison terms for their activism. Both are credited with playing key roles in bringing political independence to their countries and Africa in general. Madiba and Bob were the first democratically elected leaders of their respective countries and are both on record as having stepped into office with messages of unity, forgiveness, reconciliation and democracy. As we speak, both are subjects of media headlines with regards the state of their health.

With so much in common it is therefore ironic that Mandela's state of health has triggered a world wide display of affection with millions wishing and praying that their 92 year old hero recovers fully. Whenever rumours fly around about Mugabe's allegedly poor state of health ,on the other hand, the social networks go abuzz with celebrations and death wishes. It is really testimony to how the choices we make in life at one point, affect our future. The fact that Mandela only stayed in power for one term and never used his position to opress his own people makes him the icon that he is today. Mugabe's decision to become Zimbabwe's life-long leader and his record of human rights abuses and the economic ruin of Zimbabwe have made him one of the most hated men in the world.

Here is a man who had the opportunity of enjoying a similar status to that which Mandela holds today. At one point he was hailed as the epitome of what a modern day African leader should be, especially since he had inherited one of Africa's "jewels"- Zimbabwe. We sure hope that Tata Mandela will stick around longer. Africa's balance of power is currenlty leaning more to the side of dictators and dictators-in waiting. We definitely need the likes of Madiba to prevent a total tip over of the balance. As for Mugabe, it is only a tiny minority that is benefitting from his rule and therefore wishing him a longer life. Some only wish him a long life for the sole reason that they wantto witness that day that he hauled off to the Hague.

Am I a fast food chain terrorist?

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Mon, 24 Jan 2011 15:53:00 +0000

When I first read this headline on the News section of the Reuters website: McDonald's December sales disappoint; shares fall; I was filled with a reasonable measure of excitement. Do not get me wrong, I am not a terrorist plotting to blow up strategically located outlets of McDonalds, KFC or any of the other fast-food, fast-fat, fast-death outlets. If you were to do some global stats on who the regular consumers of fast food are, I would not be anyway near the top of your stats list. You however will not find me languishing at the bottom either.

Why then was I excited with this seemingly negative titbit of news? The simple reason is that although I do partake now and again in these high-cholestrol, high-fat, high-sodium, low-nutrition, obesity-inducing "meals" now and again; I am a man on a mission to free myself of the urge to regularly nibble and swallow this vile poison. Like a smoker battling to free himself from the clutches of this addictive and falsely seductive and delicious taste, I constantly need the reassurance of knowing that out there, are many others also fighting for their health. There is strength in numbers and the less sales McDonalds and their cronies make; the more encouraged I become.

I particularly sympathise with children who will never live a normal, healthy life because they have become slaves of fast-food at an early age. Thanks to the glorification of fried chips, burgers and other gooey "delights" in the media, as well as the lack of concern from parents - children as young as three, are doomed to having limited mobility, heart disease, faulty breathing and a doggy bag full of other ailments. It was therefore disappointing to read further and learn that the cause of the low December sales was bad weather. Even then, I will not lose hope and can only keep my fingers crossed that this blog article will go viral on cyber space and cause the fast-food chain sales to plummet - for health reasons this time! Does that render me a terrorist?

Lady Amelia-Latest celebrity scandal in Africa

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Sun, 16 Jan 2011 08:10:00 +0000

It seems Africa, South Africa in particular, is fast becoming a breeding ground for immoral and often criminal bahaviour by the who-is-who of American and British celebrity circles. If it is not Shrieni Dewani getting his wife knocked off in Cape Town, it is Paris Hilton puffing away at marijuana at a world cup stadium. You might want to refer to the issue of Wesley Snipes' arrest for possession of a fake South African passport and subsequently turning into a figitive hiding in Namibia from the American taxman. Need more examples? There is Madonna and her controversial and her irregular baby shopping spree in Malawi. Who can forget Naomi Campbell's "blood diamond flirtations" with dictator Charles Taylor or Mark Thatcher's $500 000 fine for his admitted involvement in a coup plot in Equitorial Guinea. The latest shenanigans on the tabloids involve Lady Amelia's alleged "Burger rage" at a McDonalds in Cape Town.

Although there are always two sides to a story, one wonders how Ricci Cinti, a man on crutches could have ended up in hospital for a brain scan if indeed he was not assaulted as claimed by Lady Amelia after his taxi went in front of her car in the drive-in queue. Her father Earl Spencer has spoken up for her, saying that she acted in self-defence. Why would Lady Amelia and her male companion have sped off after the incident if they were the victims? Were they "running" for their lives? I hardly think so. Had they been fleeing for their lives, eye witnesses would not have taken their vehicle's licence plate number and handed it over for Cinti and the taxi driver to press charges. I eagerly await the outcome of that case and Lady Amelia's counter assault case.

If people really could turn in their graves, this would be something to make Princess Diana turn in her grave. Who wants to be an aunt to a spoilt brat with drama queen tendencies laced with emotional and psychological instability? I could ask as well, who wants to be a father to such a person but then it seems Earl Spencer condones this behaviour. In fact, I will be so brave as to hold him partly if not greatly repsonsible for the way his daughter has turned out due to his own chaotic and irresponsible playboy lifestyle.

Sadly, Lady Amelia has refused to go to university (they might have taught her a thing or to there), and she will continue being lavished with luxurious apartments and fancy cars by daddy dearest without being equally lavished with firm partenal parenting. This heiress of millions of pounds in inheritance, is likely to carry on with her spoilt brat tendencies and we should expect more notorous headlines ahout this "Lady." The USA and Europe have tough travel and migration criteria and regulations for Africans that want to visit or settle there. It is high time similar measures were put in place by African states for our blue blooded friends and their Hollywood compatriots. While it is good that they appreciate the beauty and appeal of this continent, our Western friends need to know that contrary to the belief by some that Africa is a jungle ruled by the law of the jungle, we do have laws and standards for behaviour. You cannot do what you want and you cannot get away with murder (literally and figuratively) just because you are in Africa!

Wedding kisses can be so scary!

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Thu, 13 Jan 2011 21:59:00 +0000

One of the main highlights of a marriage service is when the marriage officer tells the groom that he may kiss the bride. It is at this time that even the drunk half-asleep “relative” that you have never met before, opens his eyes wide to witness some good old tongue wrestling.

I stand to be corrected but I found and think many have also found the few seconds prior to the kiss extremely awkward. It is not an easy feat to gather the courage to explore your partner’s oral cavity in full view of the priest, both your parents, and other relatives who include young children. Only when mouths engage, do you relax and get lost in the moment, but the moments before are not always easy.

A friend once told me of how he hesitated to kiss his bride because he was not sure if it was a ploy by his strict and conservative pastor to see how experienced he and his bride were in this kissing business. This in turn would also determine whether or not they had been doing the hanky panky before marriage. It was only later on in the honeymoon suite that he relaxed and realized that no one would be dragging into the vestry to ask him about where his experience in mouth tasting came from!

The wedding kiss will always remain one of the highlights of a wedding service. To all future brides and grooms my advice is that you only marry once (hopefully), enjoy it and relax. After all, you will hardly get another chance to smooch in public unless you are one of those exhibitionists who get high on doing it in public places!

Surely I am not a Facebook junkie in denial?

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 11:22:00 +0000

Facebook, Facebook and Facebook; there seems to be very little of late that people spend their time on other than Mark Zuckerberg's social networking site - Facebook. I was just thinking out loud this morning of how maybe I need to reduce the amount of time that I spend on this popular social network before I end up an official Facebook junkie. Maybe I am in denial and am already one but from my self observation, I am not quite there yet.

What lines of distinction am I using to separate a Facebook junkie and a person on the verge of becoming one? The junkie spends 90 percent of his or her time (including time set aside for work and other things) poking friends, accepting friends requests, posting status updates, commenting on other people's walls and profiles, joining every group under the Facebook sun and inviting every person under the sun to be their friend.

A social networker on the verge of being a junkie (like me) spends 90 percent of their free time (note the words "free time") doing most of the things mentioned above which the junkie does full time. A few distinctions in activity however exist. I still have some kind of discretion when it comes to accepting and inviting friends. Admittedly though, there are a few friends that I have invited or accepted on the basis of sharing more than ten mutual friends with them. I used to have a hardline stance that whoever I do not know cannot be on my list. I have however arrived at a philosophy (not to be confused with an excuse) that if all my friends know you, then I either know you too or I should be knowing you. I have not joined or liked every group under the sun and I have not reached the stage of liking my own status updates. I can go for more than a day without posting anything on my profile or wall. Although I have more than 600 Facebook friends, I do not in my point of view believe that it is a lot considering other people have three thousand friends or more yet they are not celebrities.

So you see, I am an intensive Facebook user but I am not really a Facebook junkie (also known as a Mark Zuckerberg zombie). All I need to do is make sure that I do not cross the line that I have ever so carefully drawn up for myself. Are you convinced? I hope you are and if you want you can drop me your response via my inbox or you can write it on my wall. You will of course need to add me as a friend and when I accept your invitation, you can write on my Facebook wall!

Fuel price hike dampens 2011 optimism

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 21:59:00 +0000

Suddenly all the talk of a happy and prosperous 2011 seems to have become mere rhetoric with South Africa's news bulletins announcing today, the sad news of a fuel price hike

As from midnight tomorrow (which is minutes away), we have been told to expect a 30 cent petrol price increase, meaning that a litre will cost in the region of R8, 58 to R8,73 a litre. Apparently the cost of paraffin ( a vital source of heat and light energy in the informal settlements) is set to go up as well.

Wow! This is just what the populace of Mzansi needs to hear so early in January when many have just sobered up to the realities of their extravagant festive season expenses. The "January disease" has just reared its ugly head and with today's news, is bound to become pandemic. The news headlines coupled with the inevitable rise in public transportation fares and the price of consumer goods; as well as hefty school fees, school uniform and stationery budgets; are bound to wipe many a smile off the faces of the 2011 optimists.

Who does one lash out at - the government, the fuel suppliers, the economists or the rich oil sheiks? Maybe the media for being the bearer of bad news? Alas, the blame game will get you and me nowhere. Those with fat bank accounts or who had the insight and means to save for this, arguably the toughest financial month of the year, are the only ones likely to be breathing a little easier. There is nothing much to be done folks, not even becoming fly-by-night communists! Let us bite the good ole lower lip, tighten the belts up a notch and get cracking into the new year.

Google’s mind boggling New Year’s doodle

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 16:26:00 +0000

Over the last couple of days, I have been baffled by the doodle (logo) on the Google search engine’s home page, where instead of the usual GOOGLE, they have put up the letters GMMXle. After days of scratching my head and feeling extremely stupid, I just had to find out what GMMXle stands for. Who better to ask than Google.com themselves?

My Google search results revealed the answer in a moment and this article gives the answer in a very short and sweet manner. MMXI in Roman numerals is 2011! Very clever because just as in the original name GOOGLE, the second and third letters (OO) are replaced by a set of two identical characters (MM). The X implies that there is a missing letter and if your guess is better than mine, it becomes obvious that the missing letter is (G). The Roman numeral I looks like the ordinary lower case letter l so that fits in well as the fifth letter of the word Google. Add a G at the beginning and an e at the end of it all–then hey presto, you have spelt Google! Add the fireworks display and you have a Happy 2011 message from Google!

Am I feeling even more stupid now for not having figured it out myself? I did at first but then I decided I am not going to do that to myself. I am just an ordinary blogger who uses the normal alphabet to say Happy New Year. The boffins at Google on the other hand get paid a fortune to be brilliant and come up with such creative, artistic, pun-loaded Happy New Year’s codes. So there you have it, Google wishes you a happy new year and so do we here at Mthoko Says.

Microsoft Office for Mac 2011 Home and Business $189.95 w/ free shipping

Let's talk of what inspires copy cats

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 19:01:00 +0000

Where do you draw the line between a person who copies everything good that you do, acquire or achieve because you are an -inspiration and a person that is driven by jealous rivalry and simply does not want to be outdone by you?

I am sure that many of us can relate to this type of copy cat situation. I have met people who have sold their cars, still in perfect condition and upgraded to more expensive models that they struggle to pay for just because a friend bought a new car. I have met parents who have sent their children to certain schools or universities only because someone else they know had chosen that very institution. Even small decisions such as buying clothes at times centre on what someone else’s wardrobe is like.

Back to my original question; when our friends always seem to want to achieve the same as us or better, should we always be flattered and applaud ourselves for being shining examples that inspire others? I think we should unless of course our friends display tell-tale signs of being driven by the wrong motives. If your friend does not openly express happiness at your thriving, new business venture or the new house that you have moved into but they quietly pursue the same, it is most likely a sign of jealousy. This is especially true when such "friends" are only friendly when it is them that have made the latest new acquisition, not the other way round. They expect you to share in the joy of their achievements but they do not share in yours. A friend who genuinely sees the good in what you have done or have achieved, will admit it and openly express to you that they have been motivated or educated by you to do the same and will ask for your winning recipe .

Another distinguishing factor is the extent to which a person follows in your footsteps. I do not care how extraordinary you are and how fine your taste is, there is no way that anyone can want to drive the same car that you drive, wear the same clothes as you do, frequent the same stores as you, decorate their house the same way as you and all of this at the same time as you!

Is the rivalry driven copy cat someone to worry about? Not necessarily, at times competition of any kind is good for us and keeps us on our toes. It can also be good for the ego to know that you are a trend setter. As human beings however, there is always an element of rivalry in all of us and we always want to be known as unique achievers more than trend setters. When someone else achieves the same as us, we tend to see it as threat and would rather change to something else that no one else has done or has ownership of. We need to guard against being sucked into this unhealthy frame of mind as it can lead to us losing focus of our lives and goals. We could end up wasting money and time on things that we do not need but want as a means of outdoing those that seek to outdo us. My advice is: Live your life for yourself and if copycats copy you, good for them, do not let it put you under unnecessary pressure to over perform.

Xmas exploits of Bozo Gazla-butt spanker Part II

noreply@blogger.com (Mthoko) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 12:12:00 +0000

Valued reader, please accept my apologies for the late posting of this second and last part of the story of Bozo Gazla, the drunkard / pervert with an obsession for spanking Big Mama’s enormous and bouncy butt. We read in Part I of how Bozo Gazla recently visited Big Mama’s tavern and became the man of the moment among his friends as he kept the table awash with alcohol. Some of us were probably just as surprised as the pervert himself was when after spanking Big Mama’s backside, he received a sexy smile and a wink from Big Mama instead of the usual angry slap on the face.

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Thirty minutes after his little “adventure” with Big Mama, Bozo Gazla still could not believe the unexpected cooperation. He was also astounded that Big Mama’s derrière had such elastic bounce, for some strange reason he had never fully appreciated its level of elasticity. As he pondered over the unexpected smile, he wondered if she did not also harbour some secret, kinky perversion and had all this time enjoyed the smacks on her bum despite savagely slapping his face and crying sexual harassment.

By the wee hours of the morning, he had groped and smacked Big Mama from all angles and was convinced that she had finally given in to his crude, caveman advances. As he dipped into his wallet to buy the umpteenth round of drinks, he was dismayed to realise that his wallet was empty. It was also at that point that he noticed that most of his mates that he had been guzzling away with earlier on in the evening, were saying their goodbyes, promising to buy him lots of drinks on New Year’s eve. Well at least their departure would give him some quiet time to talk things over with Big Mama. She was single and she knew very well that he was lonely since his wife walked out on him last year, taking the children with her.

As Big Mama cleared the remaining tables and bade farewell to the few remaining patrons, she asked Bozo Gazla if he would be buying anymore drinks because it was closing time. Bozo Gazla smiled a toothy grin and unsteadily stretched his neck to rest his head on her seemingly inviting bosom. He told her that he had no money left but he was sure that with the obvious chemistry that had developed that night, she would not mind giving him one last drink on the house. He also wanted to know if he was welcome to sleep at her place of if she would rather go with him to his house. His hand was itching to test that elasticity again!

The slap on his face was so unexpected and harder than any he had ever received from Big Mama. She dragged him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of her tavern. She uttered a string of obscenities and ridiculed him for ever thinking that he; a drunken, broke, sexually deranged pervert who could not look after his own wife and children, could even dream that he had a chance with her. Her bum was a mere marketing tool that she had used to “encourage” him to buy more drinks. He had the pleasure of spanking it and she had the pleasure of making some good sales. Surely he did not think that it was more than business?

As Bozo Gazla walked home in the emerging light of dawn, he wondered how he would survive this last week of December and the following three weeks of January before his next pay day. At least when he still lived with his wife, he was always assured that she would have some cash stashed away for times like these, when he would guzzle away his hefty December salary. He cursed quietly knowing that his wife’s patience and mercy has long reached breaking point and she would not be coming to his rescue this time around. He also cursed his obsession for Big Mama’s butt. His wife after all, was sexier than Big Mama but then what good would that realisation do him now? He began to sing aloud a song about a bozo named Bozo as he trudged on, not quite the man of the moment that he had been some hours before.