Outta This World

Story of my life: I'm a quitter

2016-02-20T10:28:00.001-08:00

Yup, that's right, I quit things. I once had someone tell me that I'm the saddest person they know, and hope I get help. Maybe she was right. Well, in fact, she is right. I struggle with depression. I don't have the means to get help for that, so I let my depression control me, sometimes. Now, is one of those times.

My life has been so hard. My parents moved so many times when I was growing up, I never learned how to make friends. True, lifelong friends. Sure, I had friends, but they quickly forgot me as soon as I would move, or move on to their more established relationships as soon as conflict would happen (as all girl relationship seem to have). Don't get me wrong, I quit lots of friendships myself. I'm pretty sure I self sabotage a lot.

Que death of my brother. Wow, talk about depression. No one saw me. My parents didn't help me, or get help for me. My "friends" didn't know how to deal with that, so I was left alone. There may have been a few teachers that saw what was happening, but didn't have the skills to deal with a 10 year old in deep depression.

My parents, I love them, but they sure did hurt me. One would pick on my until I was in tears. I believed what they said about me, making it hard to be confident about myself. The other would call my stupid and yell at me because I couldn't read or do math or do my chores right. Those harsh words stick around a lot longer than the good ones. I know I was loved, but they had a mean streak that did a lot of damage.

Sports, I quit them all. Volleyball, softball, cheerleading. I quit every single one. Why? Because it was hard. Or because I thought I should have been on a better team, or captain, because I was working so hard, but I went unnoticed and picked on by others. So I quit.

I joined the church. I also quit that church a lot. I can't seem to really walk away, because I know I can find happiness there. But it's a lot of hard work. And I walk away from hard stuff.

Then there are boys. Yup, I was in a lot of relationships as a teen. I quit most of those relationships. Really hurting some. But, I let them use my body to make me feel better about myself. Didn't work. I would realize what I was doing, and then either sabotage those relationships or move on when I wised up. I thought letting a boy touch my naughty bits would make me more pretty, more confident, just more. Boy, was I wrong.

There have been so many times in my marriage where I just wanted to quit. Not because things were bad. My husband is wonderful. Currently stewing with worry because I won't open up to him about my feelings, right now. But I wanted to quit because things were hard. Being a mom is hard. And when you don't feel great about yourself, sometimes the thought of just walking away seems so wonderful. A dream or escape. But then, it would be hard, so I stay. See, I run away from the hard.

That reminds me, I quit while giving birth. Yup, that moment when I hit the wall, I just give up. I have to have someone tell me what to do. To push, harder. I suppose every woman has that happen to them, but it's just another thing to add to my list.

I quit this blog. I quit cloth diapers. I quit nursing. I quit sewing. I quit crafting. I quit book club. I quit...I quit.... Can't seem to quit Facebook though....

The one thing I quit that I can be proud of....soda. But even then I cheat and have a coke or dr. pepper here and there. See, I can't even quit right.

Now, there's this whole college thing. I quit, twice. Once at Western and once at Utah State. And now things are hard, and I want to quit again.

And don't get me started on losing weight. I'm trying again, because after my husband lost his job last summer, I quit working out. I quit eating right. I gained 20 pounds after getting to the lowest weight I had been in years. Now, I'm stressed out so bad, I can't lose the weight. I lose some, then gain it back. If I eat right and exercise daily, sometimes twice a day, I lose a bunch of weight. But I only seem to lose weight when I starve myself (eating less than 1200 calories) and do double workouts. I gain or maintain weight if I eat what I should (between 1400-1700 calories) and just workout once a day. But, days where I overeat and don't workout, I lose weight. UGH! I don't know how many times I've given up trying to lose weight. I go up and down. Getting on the scale, daily, doesn't help the depression, but I just have to know. It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to stop.

So why write all this? Because I need to get it out of my head. Get the devil off my shoulder whispering all this to me. I'm starting to really listen. To just be sad, fat, and lazy, with no degree, sounds really good right now. Blessings and prayer, self positive talk, just isn't working right now. I feel like no one sees me. No one cares. Besides my husband, but then it gets annoying to have something wanting to know what's going on all the time. I can feel myself pushing people away when I really need them to stay.

I feel so alone. My past coming back and haunting me. All the bad things being remembered. All the times I quit. But can I quit caring? NOPE. All this is just pulling me down. I want to stop going down, but then that takes work, and I don't want to put in the work.

You know, those extreme weight loss shows. They always talk about what's holding you back from moving forward, from not quitting on yourself. I suppose I know what the issue is, but I have no clue how to work through it.

I know life isn't suppose to be easy. And I know I can control how I feel, most of the time. I know I can get out this. But it's a question if I want to and push through the pain and work hard. Life sucks.

Hanging onto Faith

2015-08-01T22:20:00.001-07:00

There is no way to put this, my husband was laid off yesterday.

This isn't the first time he lost a job. But the last time was 6 years ago, and we were a few weeks away from moving to Oregon to start his career as an accountant. The job was already lined up, we just had to wait a few weeks before it started. So there was security in that.

But this, this was out of the blue. He did nothing wrong. It just wasn't the right fit. Thanks, Washington no fault firing laws.

We've had a rough 6 months with finances, and well, we don't have any savings. Nothing. We've had to draw from that a little here and there, in order to make it by. And as for food storage, well, we haven't even started on that.

Which makes me regret not following the promptings I had a few months ago about starting our food storage. UGH, I think I learned my lesson. We'll start food storage as soon as Steve gets a new job.

As for now, I'm starting to get over the shock of it all. I think, right now, mostly I just feel numb. And a little sad. Ok, a lot sad.

The weight of all this is hitting like a ton of bricks. A lot of what if's happening. I'm trying very hard to hold on to my faith in Christ. Letting go of this weight and giving it to Him. And having faith in Heavenly Father's will, timing and plan for us. That alone, can be hard. I know that this trial will only make us better, help us draw closer together and closer to Him. But you know what? It still sucks!

I don't know if it's hope or a feeling that things will work out, but I'm hoping we won't be jobless for long. Holding on to that optimism is going to be a huge motivator for us. But if by September no job still, it's going to be harder to be that optimistic.

The worse part of all this, we are going to miss the weddings of our nephew and Steve's brother. Unless, by some miracle, he get a job this week and he starts working next week, we won't have the money to spare to travel to either wedding. One is in state, the other in Utah and Idaho.

I feel bad for the kids. We haven't had a fun summer. No camping trips, no fun day trips to parks or zoos or to the beach. I don't think it'll happen at all this summer.

I'm trying really hard not to ask, "Why us? Why now?" We'll learn these things soon enough. It doesn't help. What I'm trying to do is draw strength from the Lord, from His words, from the counsel from our leaders, that everything is going to work out. We'll be taken care of. Heavenly Father has always provided for us, even when we weren't valiant in our testimonies. We aren't where we were 6 years ago. That gives me hope.

Most of all, I am in no way, what so ever, upset with my husband. It wasn't his fault. I'm not mad at his old employer for letting him go. I totally could be. It was kind of a dick move. But it is what it is. My husband is awesome and he WILL find something better. Something that he'll love and it will be what the Lord wants us to do.

So right now, I'm just asking for prayers. Keep us in them. And if you are fasting anytime soon, please add us to your fast. It totally sucks that the temple is closed till the 11th. We could totally use temple blessings right now.

Also, thank you to those that have already been praying for us. I have felt those prayers. For the most part, I can keep a good attitude. It's totally from those prayers. So please, keep them coming.

God is great. And I know that He has a better plan for us and He will lead us to the right place. I just pray that we'll be open to hear what He has to say.

He's Here!!!!

2014-10-30T11:56:00.001-07:00

Welcome Remy Gray!!!!

It's still sort of surreal, that our last child is finally here. He is just the sweetest thing!

My intuition was right, and I went over due with this little guy. I was due on the 15th.

Me on my due date

I went three days over, just like with Gwen. I noticed a pattern with my kids. Zoe and Leo were both born 39 weeks and 1 day. And both Gwen and Remy were born 40 weeks and 3 days. And the pattern of kids goes boy, girl, boy, boy, boy, girl, boy. I'm sure that if we were to have more, I would have another boy and he would be nearly a week over due. lol!

***Warning, TMI! If you want to just see the pictures, that's fine. But you have been warned!***

Ok, so the birth story. I wasn't having a lot of contractions. I would have a few episodes of some strong ones, but they would go away. I saw my midwife on Monday, the 13th, and she said that I would probably have a baby by the end of the week. She was right. I was a very stretchy 2 on the outside of my cervix and a firm 2 on the inside. Whatever that means.

So I tried really hard not to get upset as my due date came and went with nothing happening. At least this time, I wasn't having false labor like with Gwen.

Friday night we went to our monthly board game night. Ate too much junk food and one spicy thing that I prayed wouldn't keep me up all night.

Woke up Saturday morning, the 18th, with plans to go grocery shopping, take the kids to the pumpkin patch, and to Value Village to get Halloween costumes. We took our time getting ready, and as I was getting out of the shower, my water broke.

Yup, the girl that never has her water break, it broke as I was getting out of the shower. Thanks, Remy. We later found out it was just a portion of the bags of water. He was so big, that he sectioned off parts of the water bag, so only a little bit was leaking out. Good times.

That was at 8:30 in the morning. So, we called the midwife and she said that we should just stay home, watch to make sure the water doesn't turn green, and call when we are ready to come in. She would call the hospital and make sure the water birth room would be waiting for me.

Since my contractions weren't happening yet, and when I did have one, they were not intense, we decided to do the next week's shopping. Walking would help speed things along, so might was well kill two birds with one stone.

Steve and I made our weekly shopping trip to three different stores. Steve was making sure that we walked the whole store before leaving. Around 9:30 my contractions starting coming regularly.

After all our shopping, we got home around 11ish. Steve put the food away, and I had lunch. I was super tired from staying up so late the night before, and the kids were really bugging me. Every time I would have a contraction, Jake would freak out and ask if everything was ok. I know he meant well, but it was bugging me.

So Steve and I headed upstairs to lay down and try to rest before we headed into the hospital. We chatted for bit, watched food porn, and I drifted off to sleep. Only to wake up about half an hour later with intense back labor. I don't handle that kind of labor well, so I thought we could head in, and I could use that big tub to relax in while in labor.

We had called Steve's mom after the midwife in the morning, so she knew what was going on and was on her way down. We told my mom that we were heading in and that Marilu would pick her up when she got here. I just wanted a few hours to myself to relax and not have a bunch of people just staring at me while I labored.

Off we went to the hospital, after calling Donna, the midwife. She would be with us again for this delivery. We walked in and got a few Ebola questions. lol! Then they took me to the water birth room and got me hooked up for some motoring. Where the charge nurse argued with me about getting an IV, they didn't have my water birth consent form and wasn't going to let me get in until Donna brought it, and weren't going to check me because my water had broken, until Donna said it was ok.

Donna wasn't in the hospital yet, she was still at the office. Which is just a few blocks away. So, after they chatted with Donna via phone, and my actual nurse was in the room, I was checked, I was at 7 cm at 1:30, I was allowed to not have an IV (got a huge lecture about this) and got the tub filling up so I could get in.

We called our moms to let them know. Because the last time I was at a 7 and got in the water, I went to complete in 45 minutes. We called a friend to bring my mom in, because Marilu thought she wouldn't have time to get my mom and back to the hospital before I had the baby.

So, our mom's showed up about 5 minutes apart from each other around 2:30, I think. (My timeline is probably off, I really wasn't watching the clock.) I was just sitting in the tub, happy as can be. I love the tub!

In the tub!

Donna had come by then and we chatted for a bit. I was getting restless in the tub, so I got out and we walked the halls for a bit. I just felt like things weren't going as fast as they should be. After my walk, I was checked again, I was at a 9, but still had a lot of cervix in the way. I got a birthing ball and sat on that for a bit. They refilled the tub with hot water, so it would be the right temp when I finally got back in.

I wasn't on the ball for long, the back labor hurt a lot. So in the tub I went. It was in there that I broke down. I could feel that it was getting close to pushing time, and I was so scared. I cried. Broke down and cried. Express my fear and reluctance to do another natural birth.

Steve took me to the bathroom and gave me a blessing. It helped, but I just didn't feel right. I got back in the tub and felt the urge to push. I pushed a bit, but didn't feel right. I got out of the tub and tried standing and pushing. Like how I had Gwen. That got the room all buzzing and a bunch of people came in.

Standing wasn't working, so I squatted down and pushed. Nothing. By then it was 6, and I got a new nurse.

I also just knew that nothing was working. I as in a lot of pain and pushing wasn't doing anything. I got on my bed (where Donna suggested she break my water, again. Which I let her, hoping that would do something because nothing was working) and then got on all fours so Donna could apply counter pressure on my back, and I begged for an epidural. So they got an IV started (getting an IV at 9 cm, with horrible back labor, while on all fours, not fun, btw) and then given some drug to help take the edge off. Yeah, it didn't work. Once the IV was in, I switched to a buddha pose, and my contractions went away. Donna was concerned that I would need pit as well.

And so I waited like that, for an hour, while the anesthesiologist finished up with a c-section (I was begging for him to hurry up, that they called in the stand-by guy to deal with me). Which took FOR.EV.ER! By then, the contractions had started again and were piling up on each other. And they hurt. I wasn't relaxing. I as holding that baby in until I could get the happy juice!

The anesthesiologist finally came around 7:30 pm. Took his sweet time going over stuff and getting prepped. Meanwhile, I was shaking so bad from the pain and labor. After it was all said and done, and it started working, I was on cloud nine. It was great to finally be able to relax and not feel the pain in my back anymore.

We called our mom's back in. It was getting late, so we offered for them to get some dinner. At around 8:30 I was checked, and I was almost a 10. Just one little bit of cervix left, which was typical of me. Donna asked I turn to my right to help get pressure on that side so I would go to complete. I rolled too far, and Remy didn't like that, so I rolled back a bit and within 10 seconds needed to push now!

So we got everything going, and I started pushing. This time, I could push right and get him coming out. Only, every time I pushed, my cervix would close up. Donna said I would be at a 10 while not pushing or contracting, but as soon as I pushed with a contraction, I could close back up. She'd never seen that before. So she placed her hand inside and would keep me open while I pushed. As he moved down and I pushed him out, I also pushed her hand out.

After about 20 minutes or so of pushing, Remy Gray was born at 9:07 pm. He was 9 lbs 9 oz and 20 1/2 inches long. With a 14 1/4 inch head.

So even though I didn't get a water birth, I'm glad I was able to use the tub. It really helped with the back labor. But I think I've always known that I would not have a water birth. Which, on that day, the Spirit confirmed that to me during that blessing. I just knew that there was something off, and I wouldn't be able to birth him without the help of an epidural. My contractions, once I was on the epidural were extremely intense and just kept piling on top of each other, and lasted for a long time. I know that I felt everyone of those, I wouldn't able to do it. Something was off, and I was glad I listened to my body and the Spirit, and got the epidural. I'm happy with that. I tired everything to try and relieve the pain, I moved around and listen to the suggestions of both my midwife and mother-in-law and nothing worked. So, I'm happy with how his birth happened.

Due to some minor complications after birth for both Remy and me, we were held in the hospital till Monday. We finally went home Monday afternoon, and came home to just Grandma. My parents left that morning, the four older kids were at school, and Dexter and Gwen were taking naps. It was so weird to come home to a quiet house.

The kids came home before the other two woke up. So they all got to meet and hold Remy first.

Dexter woke up while Grandma and Steve were away, so no pictures. But he was so happy to see me. Then he saw Remy and was just beaming. He sat on the edge of my chair and gazed at Remy, touched him, and gave him a kiss on the head. It was so sweet!

Gwen had about the same reaction. She saw me and ran right to me, and gave me a big hug. Then just stared at Remy, not sure what to do. Steve got her and Remy and held them. She wouldn't look at him for anything. lol!

We finally got a picture of her looking at him, but that was it. She has taken a few days to warm up to him, but she hasn't been acting jealous at all. And she gets her loves in while he is sleeping, so all is well.

It feels wonderful to have our family complete now. It's nice knowing that this is the last one. I'm trying to soak it all in and remember everything. It's still weird to think we are the parents of SEVEN children. I love them all so much!

Our first family photo at a pumpkin patch, the next Saturday after Remy was born.

Just a bit of anxiety

2014-09-25T11:33:00.003-07:00

This is going to be a little bit of therapy for me.

You see, I've woken up in the middle of the night, for the last two nights, having an anxiety attack. Over what? Well, labor and delivery.

Every time I have woken up, I had been dreaming or thinking about birth. This is my 7th time around, and I'm still nervous and scared.

But I have never, ever, had it affect my sleep and my health like this before.

Just writing this down, I can feel my heart to start to race and I'm getting nervous.

I'm hoping that by writing down my feelings that this acknowledgment will help easy my anxiety.

So why am I freaking out?

Well, Gwen's birth was traumatic. There was no nice labor and delivery room. No water birth. No time to relax. And it was very painful. She was a 9 pound baby with a huge head. I'm really not a fan of "land births", but yet, I have done it three times before.

Leo's birth was my first "land birth", meaning no drugs. Ok, I had a shot of something right there at the end to take the edge off, but I did not have an epidural. I had a crappy nurse that wouldn't listen to me, and I suffered for 1 1/2 hours not being allowed to push because of tiny bit of cervix not fully dilated. When she finally listened to me, and let me push, I was able to deliver Leo. But I was in terrible amounts of pain. The only time I felt like I was going to throw up while in labor.

My next "land birth" was Dexter's. This time, I was allowed to get in the tub...down the hall, I wasn't allowed to deliver in it. My water hadn't broken, and he was born in it. Pushing out a bag of water and Dexter was hard. I remember hitting the wall and just wanting to give up. This time, my midwife was amazing and listened to me and helped me. But I still had annoying nurses.

But Gwen's birth is still fresh. I mean, she was born just last year. My midwife is still talking about her birth. And I hit that wall, where I just wanted to give up, I remember the pain, and how my midwife really didn't know how to help me. But she did listen to me and let me deliver how I needed too. Gwen wasn't coming out without help from gravity.

So, here I am, remember all my non-pain relief births, and I'm freaking out. I'm scared that I'll end up in that small room again, without water to help with the pain. I'm scared that this baby will be huge, like Gwen, and how hard I'm going to have to work to get him out. I'm scared that if I just can't handle the pain and get an epidural I'll let myself down. And my midwife. And Steve down.

Maybe my anxiety is caused because I know that this will be the last time I will have a baby. And I just want to do it right. The way I want to do it. But I also know that it's not about how I give birth, or manage the pain, but just the end result. A healthy little boy.

Most of all, I'm just scared of the pain that I know that's coming. I'm scared of hitting that wall. I'm scared of not doing things right. Whatever that means.

Looking back, all of my births haven't gone as I had planned. I always wanted a natural birth, but Jake was causing problems, so I got an epidural. With Zoe, I had my water broken, and stalled, so I was given pit, couldn't handle those contractions, and got an epidural. Teage, I was bleeding, so I was given pit and an epidural to help speed things along.

When I first got pregnant, my SIL was pregnant as well. She was planning a water birth, and I thought that was a joke. Funny, how things can change in 10 years.

So, I'm freaking out over something I can't really control. I can't control how many mothers go into birth. How this labor is going to be. How big baby will be. All I can do is control my reactions to the pain and how I deal with it. And apparently, I'm having issues with that. Having anxiety over this is so stupid. I'm not a first time mom, I know what's going to come. I know how I'll handle the pain. I know that I can do it. I guess the question is, how do I want to handle the pain? Water, or drugs? I know that Steve will support me know matter what. I'm sure my midwife will be fine with whatever I pick.

I don't want to be one of those mom's that get's depressed, angry or upset because she didn't have the birth that she had all planned out. Things happen, and you have to be willing and able to go with the flow of events. Trust me, giving birth in a triage room that could fit inside a labor and delivery room, standing up, wasn't what I had in mind at all. But I did it. And it was amazing.

Maybe I just need to change my attitude. To remember what all this is for. And that it's amazing. It's a miracle to bring a baby into this world. It doesn't matter how he gets here, as long as he gets here. And I know that after the hard part, the endorphins will take away all the pain.

And there we go, the end of my therapy session. Here's hoping that this works and tonight I'll be able to sleep as good as I can. I don't need to make myself sick worrying over something that can't be changed or helped.

And it's a.....

2014-05-30T16:53:00.000-07:00

BOY!!!!!!!!!

We found out a few weeks ago, that our last little bundle of joy will be a boy.

I was hoping for a girl, but about two months ago, I got a kidney infection. Which, I only get when I am pregnant with boys. So, I knew he was going to be a boy.

And I'm ok with that. I think I've always known that this last one would be a boy.

Now we are trying to pick out a name. We have a few favorites, so it's just picking which one feels right.

As for the kids, only Zoe seemed really upset. She REALLY wanted another sister. I feel bad that we weren't able to do that for her. But at least she has Gwen. Zoe asked me if we could have another baby after this one. I laughed and said, "No. We are done with this one." She wasn't happy about that either. But has come around to the idea of having another baby brother.

The boys, I'm not sure how they feel about having another boy around. I think for the most part, they are ok with it.

So what does this mean for my schooling? Well, I'm almost done with this last year. So far, I've kept my 4.0, and it looks like I'll be getting another 4.0 this quarter. I'm pretty happy about that! I'll be taking Summer, Fall, and Winter off. By Spring quarter next year, baby will be about 6 months old. Which was how old Gwen was when I started this fall. I'm excited for a break, but sad to be losing a year in schooling. The friends that I've made this year who are wanting to be nurses, I'm sad that I probably won't end up in nursing school with them. But we'll shall see.

What about Steve? Well, he turns 34 tomorrow. (hehehe, he's almost in his mid-thirties now!) He's excited to just be having another baby. I don't think he likes to think about this one being our last. He's in denial. That's ok.

I'm at the half-way mark now. Baby is looking great, and I'm starting to feel lots of kicks. I can't wait till Steve and the kids can feel them too! That's my favorite part of pregnancy.

This year is flying by. I just hope that October comes quickly. I'm not very patient, and I can't wait to meet this little guy that's going to complete our not so small family. :)

Cheers!

Lucky Number 7

2014-03-06T08:20:00.002-08:00

Well, the time is finally here. I'm pregnant with our last baby! (well, I hope it's the last one, but I'll do whatever the Lord wants me to do)

We are super excited that this is finally happening.

The kids keep asking when we will find out if it's a boy or girl. FYI, the end of May. Happy Birthday to Steve! They also want another sister, although Teage thinks it will be a boy.

As for me, I'm doing better. Morning sickness hit me hard a few weeks ago. But, it has gotten better in the last few days. I don't wake up every day with the urge to throw up. And Ginger Ale is my drink of choice now.

Oh, which reminds me, I've been Coke free since New Year's Day! (Ok, I had two small Cokes a few weeks ago. Left over from making Costa Vida pulled pork. I couldn't let those go to waste. And I only had the small Coke once a day). I'm pretty proud of myself for resisting the Coke.

Anyways, baby number 7 is due in October. We're super excited for it to come. I'm ready to be done with having babies. lol!

Cheers!

2013 In A Glance

2013-12-30T12:22:00.001-08:00

Wow! It's almost 2014 already?!?!? Where does the time go?

I have sucked at blogging. I just don't have the desire to do it anymore. Maybe I'll get the bug to do it again, sometime. But for right now, I'm just focusing on my schooling.

Anyway, so here is the obligatory year in review blog. Enjoy!

January
The kids, Jake and Zoe, went back to school. We were busy with getting things ready for baby Gwen. Steve was still hard at work.

February

Leo turned 5. He was so ready to go to school. As soon as he had his birthday, he asked if he could go to school. He was really disappointed when I told him he had to wait until September. I had a baby shower for me and a friend. It was a lot of fun! Thanks ladies!

I got my craft on and sewed a quilt for baby girl and a carseat cover.

And was still pregnant. The last few weeks are always the longest.

But everyone was still super excited to have baby come. We were all stocked that Gwen would be a girl!

March

I went into fake labor twice. The last time I was really mad at everyone. My awesome mother-in-law came the first time we thought I was in labor and stayed until after Gwen was born! My mom came on the 9th and stayed until the day after Gwen was born.

The last pregnant picture. She was born the next day!

My dad came the second time I thought I was in labor. A surprise to everyone. I'm glad he came. He watched the kids and got them off to school, while the grandmas and Steve and I had a baby.

Gwen finally came (two days late!) after a twister that landed a few miles up the road. That sent everyone into labor, and I had this baby girl standing up in a small triage room. 9 pounds of per joy! Read about it here!

April
Was spent getting use to the baby. Jake and Zoe had spring break a week after she was born. Grandma Marilu came back and helped out for a bit longer. It was nice, because Steve couldn't take time off, it was his busy week. The kids all went back to school and I got in the habit of caring for four kiddos at home! Leo was a great big helper!

May

Steve turned 33. We noticed that Dexter's hair was getting really curly after his first hair cut in March. The kids and Steve spoiled me for Mother's Day. We finally were getting used to the routine of baby Gwen. Steve's little sister got married, and we went up there for the day. And then spent the weekend with Steve's big sister. After the wedding, we went to some camp ground to play at the WWII bunker. It was a lot of fun, and now we want to go camping there next year!

Grandma and Grandpa with all the grand kids!

June

Dexter turned 2. I can't believe he is 2 already. It's crazy! Steve and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary! We got a weekend away, camping at Leavenworth. It was a blast. And Gwen did great! Some friends of ours scored some free tickets to see Weezer, so we got a baby sitter and went with them. It was so much fun! And Gwen slept throughout the whole thing! School ended for Jake and Zoe! And summer break finally began!

Tummy time and a little help from Olive

Weezer!

Testing out the camp chair for Gwen in the front yard.

July

Is always a busy month. We started it off with a visit from one of Steve's favorite Sister missionaries from his mission. It was a blast to show Portland to them! We went to a ward member's firework show. It was a lot of fun! Teage turned 4 and Zoe turned 7! The air show was early this year, but we still went to it! We love the air show!! We also got a visit from my brother. He is doing all that he can to get back into shape, and is looking really good! Way to go Duane!

Front row seats baby!!

August

I took Jake and invited a few friends for a fire station visit at the beginning of August. This was to help Jake get his Wolf badge for Cub Scouts. We finally went camping with the kids! To our favorite place, Cape Lookout. Only to be rained out and we ran away a day early. I turned 30! We got ready to watch Aggie football. We went camping with some friends to Zion's Camp. It was a lot of fun. But we are sad they are moving this next year. Steve two older brothers got married in August. One, had a celebration reception a few weeks later. So we went to Ellensburg for that. And stayed the long weekend (Labor Day weekend) in Moses Lake with Steve's Dad and Tana. We also had a bet going on how Steve would look with a mustache. You be the judge!

Zoe lost her first tooth!

Playing in the rain before we ran away in the middle if the night. This marked the death of our canopy. :(

Go Aggies!

September

I decided I wanted to be a midwife when I grow up, so I enrolled at the community college to start working on my generals. I've got ten years of schooling ahead of me, and this just the beginning. While at Grandma and Grandpa's, we went fishing! We got a lot of fish and the kids had a blast! We made it back into for Jake, Zoe, and Leo, to go to school! Jake is now in 3rd grade, Zoe is in 2nd, and Leo is in Kinder!! They love going to school and hare working hard. Teage, Dexter, Gwen and I hang out. I'm doing online school, so I get to be home with these lovelies all day!

October

Was super busy for us. I was in full swing of school. My parents came for a two week visit. Where, my dad built me some awesome stuff! Lockers for the kiddos and an entertainment center! The kids had a blast at Halloween. And scored lots of candy!

November

Another busy month! We got Sister Missionaries and I have been busy going out with them, feeding them, and giving them rides. It's been a blast having Sister's here! And we fed them Thanksgiving dinner. We contacted their parents and made them their favorite pie. Steve's Mom, step-dad and Grandma came down for Thanksgiving. So, it was a full house! Jake turned 9! He got his Wolf badge done in the summer, and is now a Bear. And Gwen is now eating solids. Although, that is doing bad things to her poops. We're working on working that out.

Jake TARDIS cake

The Sisters :)

Steve was doing no shave November. I like him better without facial hair!

December

I made it through my first quarter! I got my grades and I did great! A 4.0!!! My first ever. The kids are all doing amazing in school. Zoe is still behind in reading and writing, but is working hard on improving. We are hoping that she will catch up this year. Jake and Leo are kicking butt and taking names. We couldn't be more happy with how well they are doing. After finals, I worked on a Christmas Tree Ornament Advent Calendar for the kids. They loved it! And I got it done a week before Christmas! My parents came up for Christmas. It was so nice to spend another week with them! Gwen is starting to cruise around stuff! She got a walker for Christmas and is LOVING it! We also added to our family. Two new guinea pigs, named Thor and Loki! We all love them!! But, they are still scared of us and the cat. Ha! Now we are getting ready to bring in the New Year!

Our house this year! It doesn't look awful this year!

So many stockings!

Tree number 1 (the family tree)

Tree number two (mom's tree!)

All decorated for the holidays

The advent calendar before the ornaments were done

All up!

Merry Christmas!

The kids LOVED all their hand made hats from Grandma Marilu. I only got half the boys pictures taken though.

Our new members, Thor and Loki. Thor is the yellow one and Loki is the darker one. :)

We have been truly blessed this year. It went by so fast. I can't believe there is only a day and half left. We are all looking forward to 2014. We have so big things happening. Hopefully, we'll add the last baby to our family, I'll keep doing well in school, as well with the kids. We are hoping that Steve will get a promotion this year (fingers crossed, he put his name in the running for the control position before Christmas. We are hoping to find out sometime next month, if he gets it or not), Zoe turns 8 and will be getting baptized in July. Teage will start school in September and Jake will be 10! What?!?!? 2014 is looking to be another great year!

We hope you all had a very Merry Christmas! And have a very Happy and safe, New Year!!

Love to all!

I gave a talk

2013-09-09T10:26:00.000-07:00

Just about a month ago, I gave a talk in church. I wanted to share it with everyone. I thought it was pretty good! Sorry, it's a lot of text, so good on ya if you read it all! Thanks!

Good afternoon brothers and sisters. It is my privilege to speak to you today about The First Great Commandment. I pray that the Spirit will be with me to guide me and calm my nerves.

I found three great talks by three great men about the First Great Commandment. President Ezra Taft Benson and Elders Joseph B Wirthlin and Jeffery R. Holland. I'll be quoting all three of them today.

President Benson said:

"The great test of life is obedience to God. “We will prove them herewith,” said the Lord, “to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them” (Abr. 3:25).

The great task of life is to learn the will of the Lord and then do it.

The great commandment of life is to love the Lord.

“Come unto Christ,” exhorts Moroni in his closing testimony, “… and love God with all your might, mind and strength” (Moro. 10:32).

This, then, is the first and great commandment: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength” (Mark 12:30; see also Matt. 22:37; Deut. 6:5; Luke 10:27; Moro. 10:32; D&C 59:5).

It is the pure love of Christ, called charity, that the Book of Mormon testifies is the greatest of all—that never faileth, that endureth forever, that all men should have, and that without which they are nothing (see Moro. 7:44–47; 2 Ne. 26:30).

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren,” pleads Moroni, “pray unto the Father with all the energy of [your] heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him” (Moro. 7:48).

In the closing accounts of both the Jaredites and the Nephites, Moroni records that except men shall have this pure love of Christ, called charity, they cannot inherit that place which Christ has prepared in the mansions of His Father nor can they be saved in the kingdom of God (see Ether 12:34; Moro. 10:21).

The fruit that Lehi partook of in his vision and that filled his soul with exceeding great joy and that was most desirable above all things was the love of God.

To love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength is all-consuming and all-encompassing. It is no lukewarm endeavor. It is total commitment of our very being—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—to a love of the Lord." Close quote

That may seem hard. How do you love someone that you have no memory of ever meeting? How do you love someone so much and so hard, when you cannot see them?

It sounds difficult. So why then? Why should we love God with all that energy?

President Benson states:

"Why did God put the first commandment first? Because He knew that if we truly loved Him we would want to keep all of His other commandments. “For this is the love of God,” says John, “that we keep his commandments” (1 Jn. 5:3; see also 2 Jn. 1:6).

When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.

We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives.

God our Father, Jesus, our Elder Brother and our Redeemer, and the Holy Ghost, the Testator, are perfect. They know us best and love us most and will not leave one thing undone for our eternal welfare. Should we not love them for it and honor them first?" close quote

That's why. When we put God first, everything will fall into place. Life won't seem so hard, because we will be yoked to the Lord. We will be baring some of His burdens, so ours will be lightened.

We live in a world today that isn't so much different from a time when the ancient church was first established. Christ had just died and the church was in disarray. Now, I'm not saying that the church, today, is in disarray, but that the world is and is leaking into church members thoughts and opinions of how things should be. The Apostle Paul had some things to say about that. Elder Wirthlin explains:

"In the first century A.D., members of the growing Church in Corinth were enthusiastic about the gospel. Almost all were recent converts to the Church. Many were attracted to it through the preaching of the Apostle Paul and others.

But the Saints at Corinth were also contentious. They argued amongst themselves. Some felt superior to others. They took each other to court.

When Paul heard this, feeling a sense of frustration, he wrote them a letter, pleading with them to become more unified. He answered many of the questions they had been arguing about. Then, toward the end, he told them that he wanted to show them “a more excellent way.”1

“Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity,” he told them, “I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.”2

Paul’s message to this new body of Saints was simple and direct: Nothing you do makes much of a difference if you do not have charity. You can speak with tongues, have the gift of prophecy, understand all mysteries, and possess all knowledge; even if you have the faith to move mountains, without charity it won’t profit you at all.3" close quote

Without the Pure love of Christ - Charity, or the First Great Commandment, we are nothing. And all that we do is for not. Loving God is everything. It's what makes sense in the world. To love someone that Loves you no matter what. No matter what you do, have done, or will do, only makes you want to love Him more. And with everything that you have in you.

Elder Wirthlin continues:

“Charity is the pure love of Christ.”4 The Savior exemplified that love and taught it even as He was tormented by those who despised and hated Him.

On one occasion the Pharisees tried to trap Jesus by asking Him a seemingly impossible question: “Master,” they asked, “which is the great commandment in the law?”5

But when the Pharisees heard His answer, they must have been troubled, for it pointed to their great weakness. He replied:

“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

“This is the first and great commandment.

“And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

“On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.”7

The scriptures tell us that “if any man love God, the same is known of him.”8 What a wonderful promise—to be known of Him. It makes the spirit soar to think that the Creator of heaven and earth could know us and love us with a pure, eternal love.

In 1840 the Prophet Joseph sent an epistle to the Twelve wherein he taught that “love is one of the chief characteristics of Deity, and ought to be manifested by those who aspire to be the sons of God. A man filled with the love of God, is not content with blessing his family alone, but ranges through the whole world, anxious to bless the whole human race.”9

Both commandments are necessary, for as we bear one another’s burdens, we fulfill the law of Christ.11

Love is the beginning, the middle, and the end of the pathway of discipleship. It comforts, counsels, cures, and consoles. It leads us through valleys of darkness and through the veil of death. In the end love leads us to the glory and grandeur of eternal life." close quote

There are many times in my life, that I have forgotten this first commandment. Where I haven't loved God with all that I have. I had shifted my focus onto myself. And you know what? Life wasn't that fun. It was hard. I didn't much care for my family, my kids, myself. And I wondered why nobody wanted to be my friend, or wanted to serve me. Woe is me.

But, then I was pregnant. For me, getting pregnant is one way to help me get back on track. Why? Because I am doing something amazing that only God has ever done. Anyway, I found myself with child and seeing all that was wrong with our life, with my life. I was so low on those steps up, that it looked like it would take forever to be up where I knew that Heavenly Father wanted and needed me to be at. So I started doing the "little things" (starting and ending my day with prayers, reading my scriptures, focusing my love on Christ and Heavenly Father, drawing nearer to them, and trying to find ways to server my neighbors and ward members. The best thing I heard at that time, was in the Marriage and Family class we were taking at the time.

Imagine a triangle. At the top point is God. And on the bottom two points are you and your spouse. When you draw nearer to God, you and your spouse draw nearer together.

That blew my mind.

And it has stuck. And that road to where I knew I should be, took a while to get there. There were a lot of two steps forward and one step back. But I stuck with it. I improved upon myself, sought after the will of the Lord's, and prayed to know what He would have me be. I let His love shape me into something you have today. :)

I'm not prefect, and I always feel like I could be closer to Christ and Heavenly Father. My goal for this year was to draw nearer to them and truly learn more about Them and to love Them even more. And it's working. I see that I am not that person I was all those years ago. I'm better. And I have way more love to give and share because I love the Lord all that much more.

Elder Holland sums up what I'm trying to say much better:

"My beloved brothers and sisters, I am not certain just what our experience will be on Judgment Day, but I will be very surprised if at some point in that conversation, God does not ask us exactly what Christ asked Peter: “Did you love me?” I think He will want to know if in our very mortal, very inadequate, and sometimes childish grasp of things, did we at least understand one commandment, the first and greatest commandment of them all—“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind.”13 And if at such a moment we can stammer out, “Yea, Lord, thou knowest that I love thee,” then He may remind us that the crowning characteristic of love is always loyalty.

“If ye love me, keep my commandments,”14 Jesus said. So we have neighbors to bless, children to protect, the poor to lift up, and the truth to defend. We have wrongs to make right, truths to share, and good to do. In short, we have a life of devoted discipleship to give in demonstrating our love of the Lord. We can’t quit and we can’t go back" close quote

We can't quit and we can't go back. I don't know about you, brothers and sisters, but I have tasted of that good fruit that Lehi had in his dream. And it was sooo good!! I don't want to go back to where I was before. Why would I? Why should you? If we truly love the Lord God with all our heart, we would do whatever it is He wants us to do. And hasn't He told us what that is?

Elder Wirthlin tells us what those acts can and should be:

" Sometimes the greatest love is not found in the dramatic scenes that poets and writers immortalize. Often, the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness and caring we extend to those we meet along the path of life.

True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us.

Do you love the Lord?

Spend time with Him. Meditate on His words. Take His yoke upon you. Seek to understand and obey, because “this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments.”16 When we love the Lord, obedience ceases to be a burden. Obedience becomes a delight. When we love the Lord, we seek less for things that benefit us and turn our hearts toward things that will bless and uplift others.

As our love for the Lord deepens, our minds and hearts become purified. We experience a “mighty change in … our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.”

Love is the greatest of all the commandments—all others hang upon it. It is our focus as followers of the living Christ. It is the one trait that, if developed, will most improve our lives." close quote

I can bare solemn testimony to that. For my love of Christ and Heavenly Father has changed my life. It has made it better. It has made my burden as a mother easier and more enjoyable. I have joy now where once, I did not. I have a great appreciation for my life and my families life that I want others to know what I have. To enjoy what I have.

In closing, I would like to share the rather long quote by President Benson. It sums up everything that I want to say. He says:

God loves us; the devil hates us. God wants us to have a fulness of joy as He has. The devil wants us to be miserable as he is. God gives us commandments to bless us. The devil would have us break these commandments to curse us.

Daily, constantly, we choose by our desires, our thoughts, and our actions whether we want to be blessed or cursed, happy or miserable. One of the trials of life is that we do not usually receive immediately the full blessing for righteousness or the full cursing for wickedness. That it will come is certain, but ofttimes there is a waiting period that occurs, as was the case with Job and Joseph.

In the meantime the wicked think they are getting away with something. The Book of Mormon teaches that the wicked “have joy in their works for a season, [but] by and by the end cometh, and they are hewn down and cast into the fire, from whence there is no return” (3 Ne. 27:11).

During this testing time the righteous must continue to love God, trust in His promises, be patient, and be assured, as the poet said, that—

Who does God’s work will get God’s pay,

However long may seem the day,

However weary be the way.

No mortal hand, God’s hand can stay,

He may not pay as others pay,

In gold, or lands, or raiments gay,

In goods that perish and decay;

But God’s high wisdom knows a way,

And this is sure, let come what may—

Who does God’s work will get God’s pay.

I testify to you that God’s pay is the best pay that this world or any other world knows anything about. And it comes in full abundance only to those who love the Lord and put Him first.

The great test of life is obedience to God.

The great task of life is to learn the will of the Lord and then do it.

The great commandment of life is, “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength” (Mark 12:30)." close quote

I like to add my faith and testimony to that and say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. amen

When I Grow Up

2013-09-05T12:04:00.001-07:00

Hey y'all! I'm still here! I'm still kickin!!!

Sorry it's been awhile. Summer got really busy and I've got a little lady that keeps growing and wants mama's milk All. The. Time.

School has started, and I now have three in school and three at home!

Leo - Kindergarten

Zoe - 2nd Grade

Jake - 3rd Grade

In Leo's class:

In Zoe's Class:

In Jake's class:

After school shots:

They all had a blast! I'm so excited for those three kiddos. It's going to be a great year!

Which, now, my point of the title, "When I Grow Up."

You see, when Steve asked my dad if he could marry me, (yup, Steve got permission to marry me! How sweet!) my dad made Steve promise him that I would finish my education. Since I was a freshmen in college and all, and my parents never went to college. So that was the deal.

And that was the plan for a while. Steve and I both went to Utah State for one semester. Then I got pregnant with Zoe, and we needed more money for school, I worked until I couldn't anymore. Then we borrowed way too much money in private student loans, and Steve finished school. He was closer to doing so, and since he would be the bread winner, it made sense for him to go to school and get it done first. Plus, we both felt it was my time to stay at home and keep having kids. And I had set a goal to get my teaching degree by the time I was 30.

But, the other part of Heavenly Father's plan, was for me to change my chosen career path. Since 3rd grade, I knew I wanted to teach. Even at a young age, I knew that I wanted to be a high school history teacher. Even then, I couldn't stand little kids. lol!

So, that's what I did, when I went to Western and Utah State. I took a lot of generals and history courses.

But then, I was having kids. And my passion for natural child birth and women's voices in child birthing grew. I wanted a natural child birth with all my kids, but with the first two, things didn't work out. My of OB/GYNs told me what I should do. With Leo, I went natural, but the support I got from the nurses and my Doc, wasn't great. I remember looking for a Midwife in Logan, but there wasn't one there. With Teage, I needed the interventions to get him safely here, and quickly.

Then the most wonderful thing happened. We moved! And to hippie central, Portland, OR! There, I met women that cloth diapered and had midwives. There was a ton of midwives around, and the best school for midwifery around, OHSU. So, with Dexter and Gwen, I had my natural births withe two very wonderful midwives.

That's when I felt my calling. My passion for giving birth and listening to your body grew. I read story after story of friends that had horrible births, I felt myself wanting to be their advocate. I wanted to be there for them and help them with their births.

So, after much thought, prayer, and a few wonderful blessings from Steve, I am going back to school myself. But, instead of becoming a teacher, I'm going to be a midwife. And hopefully, I'll get this done by the time I'm 40! Since I just turned 30 a few weeks ago.

It's a long road ahead of me. A good solid 10 years or more, of schooling. Because, it's been about 8 years since I went to school, I feel like I need to better my grades from all those years ago. And refresh my memory in math.

I want to go to school full time, but who knows. I'll be relying heavily on what the Lord feels is best for me. And I still have one more child left in Heaven to bring into this world.

My plan is this:

Generals done by August 2015

Nursing Degree done by December 2018

BSN degree done by June 2020

MN/DNP (Nurse-Midwife/Doctor of Nursing Practice) done by June 2023

Throw in one more kid, kids still at home until maybe 2019, and I'll need to work as an RN in Labor and Delivery for at least a year before I start at OHSU.

It's a huge goal. Overwhelming at times. And who knows, I might have to finish school at another university if we move (I hope not, I LOVE IT here!).

Steve gave me a wonderful blessing on Tuesday night. Promising me that the Lord wants this for me. That this is His plan for me.

Never before have I felt so strongly that that this is what my calling is suppose to be. An advocate for women. To help them where there is sometimes no help.

I can't help but think, that I needed to have most of my babies before I really knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I have so much passion and drive. I know I can do this. Besides becoming a mother, I have never wanted anything like this before.

So, wish me luck. I'm going to need it. And say a few prayers for me too. My math is super rusty, and I'm not the best at English (if you couldn't tell).

Cheers!

How Do You Know?

2013-07-09T10:47:00.001-07:00

Lately I've been experiencing things that could have brought into question my testimony, faith, beliefs. The same things that have brought some of my friends to question the same things, but have been lead astray.

If you follow me on Facebook, you know that one friend has blocked me because of this.

Last night I cried myself to sleep because of this. Why? Because I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true! I know that the Book of Mormon is true. And I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet of God. I know that we are lead today by God's chosen prophet, Thomas S. Monson. And because I know these things, all the things the world is telling me is wrong, I know that they are wrong. There is no wavering. I know!

It breaks my heart that so many of my friends have let the devils icy fingers in and around their heart. That they have let down their guard and have forgotten the things that they know. I keep hearing "the philosophies of men mingled with scripture" running through my head when I see them walking away. I don't just want my family to endure to the end and make it to the very top of heaven. I want all my friends to be there with me. I really do. What kind of heaven will it be if only family is there? Ok, my family rocks, and it will be a blast, but I still want to party with my friends up there too!

There was a time in my youth that I didn't feel this way. I wasn't active in the church. I wasn't doing the things I should have been doing. I let a bishop drive me away. I let myself be offended and could care less what others thought of me. Then, as if over night, I ran smacked dab into the wall. I hated myself. I hated the guy I was dating (sorry). I hated where I was going.

Now, I could have dwelt in the self-hatred and turned to men for "help", or drugs or drink. I could have left the church for good.

But I didn't. All that would have lead to darkness. And I was already in a dark place. Instead, I turned to the light. At first, I read my patriarchal blessing. It helped me to see how God saw me and what I could become.

After reading it, I got down on my knees and prayed. I prayed harder then I ever had in my life, at that point. I wanted to know that He loved me. That I wasn't too far gone. That He would take me back despite all the bad choices I was making. I prayed to know what to do. I then was greeted with the most powerful spiritual hug I have ever gotten. I was enveloped in ~~warmth~~ burning fire. I could feel Christ's and Heavenly Father's arms around me. Whispering, through the Holy Ghost, that I wasn't lost. I that I was loved. Loved more than I could ever really comprehend. I was then told the things I needed to do.

I read the Book of Mormon, for the first time, cover to cover. I started going back to church. I apologized to the girls that made life hard for me. And I for them. I went to institute and learned as much as I could from Brother and Sister Weaver.

I then got down on my knees, after having read the Book of Mormon, and asked if it were true. I asked if Joseph Smith really saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I asked if this church was true. And if Gordon B Hinkley (he was the prophet then) if he was indeed a prophet as well. Again, I felt the burning and knew that it all was true.

I went to college and started the repentance process. And well, the rest is history.

I have not blindly followed the teachings of this church. I have not just taken the word of everything that has been taught. I have gotten on my knees and worked it out with the Lord, until I could understand it for myself.

What I wish I had done, was find these truths before I messed things up. I wish I would have listened to my leaders and teachers and read the Book of Mormon when I was just baptized. I wish I would have gained this testimony then, instead of doing things the hard way.

Just because things turned out well now, there is a small part of me that wonders, what if? Now, I do know that where I am today, and who I am with was truly meant to be. God knew I would mess up and lead me to the prefect person for me to marry and have His children with. It's amazing how things all work out.

So, I'm writing this in hopes that maybe the youth will be inspired to not do as I did, but do as I say. :) Gain an unshakable testimony NOW! If you don't understand something, ask your leaders, your Sunday School teacher, your parents or your bishop. Most importantly, take it to the Lord in prayer. He will answer your questions. Be unmovable NOW! Know what you are standing up for NOW! Don't wait, or say hey, Sister Richins turned out ok, so things will work out for me. I am the exception to the rule. Most don't come back. Most leave for good. And now I'm seeing my friends leave over things that I have taken to the Lord in prayer and learned of His truth. Know these things NOW! So maybe, just maybe, you won't be shaken when you are an adult.

This video talks about the very thing I'm saying. Gain your testimony now. Pray about it. Sincerely pray about seeking out the answers. If you knock, He will answer.

Mother's Day 2013

2013-05-15T20:40:00.002-07:00

We didn't do much for Mother's Day, this year. I did, finally, take a photo of myself with the kids. I don't know why we didn't do that before. Oh well. Better late then never!

Leo, Zoe, me, Gwen, Teage, Jake, and Dexter

Zoe wanted to have painted toes like mine. So I painted her's and Gwen's for Mother's Day!

It was a great day! Steve got me so beautiful earrings. Jake gave me a handmade card, candy and magnets he made at school. Zoe gave me a coupon book and a drawing. And Leo gave me a drawing of us.

The other kids were good. And that's a great present for me!

Steve made me a steak dinner, and it was super yummy!

All in all, a great Mother's Day!

Welcome Gwen!!

2013-03-24T17:20:00.001-07:00

Well, she's finally here!

Gwen Annette

Born 3/22

8:17 am

9 lbs 7 oz

21 1/4 inches

She has quiet the birth story! Wanna hear it???? ;)

So, on Friday, the 15th, I thought I was in labor. I had contractions all day long. So, we called my mother-in-law down, sent the kids to a friends house, called the midwife and went into the hospital. We were there for a long time. I can't remember how long. We came home around 10. My friend kept the kids at her house so we could all get a good nights sleep. In hopes I would be back to the hospital in the next few days to have a baby.

My due date came and went.

Me at 40 weeks and a day

On Tuesday, my due date, I again, thought I was in labor. This time, we left all the grandma's at home and went to the hospital to be sure I was actually in labor. We spent about 7 hours there trying to get things going. Nothing was working. I was sent home having a few contractions, but nothing regular.

Going past my due date was hard for me. I have never thought I would be one of those ladies. I guess I had it coming to me because of my five early births.

I tried really hard to be of good cheer, but I'm pretty sure no one was liking to be around me. lol!

My dad showed up Tuesday, unexpectedly. It was nice to have Boppie around for a bit.

Wednesday and Thursday were normal days. Kids went to school, I did stuff around the house. Ran some errands. My mother-in-law can't be down here, without some VooDoo donuts, so we made a trip down to Portland and bought a TON of donuts. Dropped off Steve's donuts at his office, and came home and pigged out on donuts.

Thursday night I was starting to have a few stronger contractions as we went to bed, but nothing to get excited about. I was sure they would go away as soon as I went to sleep.

Steve and I talked about how we were feeling and doing that night. We both were done and just wanted to move forward, but it wasn't our choice to make. We just had to leave it up to Gwen and the Lord. I went to bed, but couldn't get to sleep.

After finally getting to sleep, I woke up to go potty around 1 and then had a really painful contraction. Steve was already up with a sick Teage downstairs (he was having a hard to breathing laying down, so sitting up on the couch with a little tv on helped relax him and got him to sleep without the congestion bothering him) and I didn't want to bother him, so I just tried to go back to sleep.

Didn't happen. Half an hour later I was downstairs begging Steve to come up with me to help me with the contractions. I was scared that this was going to be a long night with nothing to show for it. So we just went one contraction at a time. They were hard and really spaced apart. Between 2-4 am, they were about 8-10 minutes apart. :( I was able to get some rest, but it wasn't very good. At 5, they started to get much closer and I felt the panic of needing to go to the hospital. So I got in the shower and prayed that this was it. Steve showered and we said some prayers, got a blessing and then called the midwife.

At that point, they were about 3-4 minutes apart. I was told to come on in. We left everyone behind again, just to be sure I was in labor before we brought everyone with us. And by everyone, I mean my mom and mother-in-law. My dad saw a few of my contractions as we were leaving. He was up with Teage for us. Dad didn't like seeing me in so much pain. So he offered to stay home with the kids and get Jake and Zoe off to school when it was time.

We got to the hospital. The walk was awful. I was just thankful that the main doors were open and we didn't have to wait for someone to let us in, or go around to the ER.

We got to Family Birth, checked in, and were escorted to a triage room. Seriously, I was like, I know this is my third time coming in, but I'm 99% sure this is happening. Ok whatever.

We got there and I saw it was set up for a birth. I heard a lady in the room across the way in labor as well. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON???

So, Thursday afternoon, there was a huge storm roll by. There was a tornado just a few miles down the road from where we live. This storm must have set every pregnant woman into labor because they were FULL! Every room had a laboring woman in it. I was one of three, maybe four ladies, that would deliver in a tiny triage room.

This room, I kid you not, was the just a little bit bigger then a doctor office's room. There was a tiny bed, two chairs, and some motoring stuff, and not much room for anything else.

The whole way to the hospital I was praying that I was at least a 6 and was able to get into a tub and relax. Then to be able to have a waterbirth. When they told me that this was Bethlehem and there was no room, I didn't get it. What are you talking about? No room?

The midwife wanted to check me, but the other woman across the way was getting close to pushing and the other midwife that was actually on call was on her way. After Donna showed up, it was only a few minutes, I was checked. She was so quite and talked so fast, I wasn't sure I heard her right.

I asked, "Did you just say 8-9???"

"Yes"

"What the hell?"

I was just asked by the nurses what my plans for pain were. I had just got my head around of the loss of a waterbirth, and I really didn't want to have another natural birth, so I was gearing up for an epidural. But when Donna said 8-9, that went out the window. I started to cry.

I was crying because I was so close to being done. I feared I would last forever at this station. And I had to endure that pain once again. I hadn't plan for this. I wasn't ready mentally for it. And now I had to make that switch and in only an hour be pushing out a huge baby. That was at 7:15 am.

Steve texted his mom to get here ASAP. Shortly after that, I was up trying to deal with the labor. I had a share the bathroom with another couple and waiting to go pee was painful. lol! I got a birthing ball, which took up the rest of the room to move in. It helped a bit. I tried standing, but didn't feel good. The pain was all in my back. So I got on the tiny bed on my hands and knees, Steve got up behind me and would apply pressure to my back when the contractions came. I was like that for about 15 minutes I think.

Then I needed to stand. I stood and felt like pushing. That's when all the fun stuff happened. I pushed for a bit, but then felt like getting on the bed again. I was in mid push when the Grandmas showed up. lol

I tried pushing on my back for a bit. In one push, my water finally broke. It's never broken on it's own before. And this one was memorable I hit the wall! That's right people, in mid push, I head the psst, my midwife jumped to the side and I heard a splat. Then the whole room erupted in laughter as they realized my water just almost got Donna in the face and it had hit the wall. I would have laughed too, but I was still in mid push-contraction and the nurses holding my legs open were jiggling my legs and it hurt. I told them to stop laughing.

I got to more pushing, but it just didn't feel like I was getting anything done. I guess I was, but I was in so much pain. I had hit the wall and was off in my head thinking I can't do this. Get the forceps, get her out of me. That's when the midwife got to talking to me and pulled me out of my head. She asked me what I wanted to do. She wanted me on my hands and knees again, but I didn't like that idea. Before I could make up my mind, someone said to get me on my left side. So I was rolled onto my side. Somewhere during this time, an oxygen mask was put on me. On my side, I felt like I wasn't doing anything. They asked me again what I wanted, and before I could say that I needed to stand, all I said was I need to move, they rolled me onto my right side. Searing pain shot up my whole right side. I screamed. I almost threw up. The midwife said sometimes the best position is the one that hurts the most. I had enough of this crap, so I started to stand and said I want to stand.

So, I stood up. I couldn't breathe. They fixed my mask. And as soon as the next contraction came, I pushed. I groaned and pushed. I felt the baby's head come down and almost out. I remember needing to spread my legs more and squat lower. Steve was amazing and held me up the whole time. After wards, I could feel him shaking. He was my hero right then and there.

And that's how Gwen was born. With Steve holding me up, I'm standing and bearing down, my midwife sitting on the floor. My mother-in-law said that Gwen's head came out soooo slowly. I remember her saying that Gwen's head is out, her eyes, oh my gosh her cheeks, her chin. To me, it felt like forever to get her body out. Once I got the head out, I remember thinking almost done. But her shoulders took forever to get out. I don't think it was until she was almost all the way that she finally slipped out.

That was an hour and 2 minutes after I was checked. I NEVER have births like this. It was all hard to wrap my head around. And it still is.

I remember looking down and back to see her there. I remember saying, "I did it" over and over again.

I remember a nurse saying, "Donna the baby needs to cry." And then Donna saying, "Gwen, cry" and Gwen started crying.

They took her out to the warming bed. There was no room in the room for that, and I got in bed. I demanded my baby. What was taking so long. My mother-in-law came in with the baby and I got to hold her.

At that point, we knew she was 9 lbs 7 oz. I was stunned. I didn't feel like I looked like I had that big of a baby inside of me. No wonder I had such a hard time getting her out.

Donna was a mess. She was covered in blood from head to toe. There was blood everywhere! I sure know how to make a mess of things. The nurses kept giggling about the water break. The mess. They kept saying how awesome I was and that I was the perfect patient. I'm glad they thought so!

We stayed in that tiny room for about an hour. I was having too much bleeding going on. My uterus wasn't clamping down like it should. So I had to get things put in places they shouldn't be. I got a shot of pitocin in the leg. And then I had to have an IV of pit soon after wards. I started to slow down, but that wasn't until they got super scared there for a bit. Finally, after I had stabilized I was kicked out. There was another lady on the way, and the third triage room was already full. The lady across the way had her baby moments before Gwen was born. We were both patients of the midwives. So, the midwife from on call the night before, stayed to deliver her, and I got Donna.

I was moved to a labor and delivery room for a few hours. While there, I went potty and saw the cause of my bleeding. I hadn't done a good enough job getting all the membranes out, and there in the potty was the rest of them. After that, my bleeding was under control and all was well.

My mother-in-law was kind of enough to go back to our house and send my dad over. My parents left today, so we wanted to let them have lots of time with baby girl.

I was in labor and delivery for a few hours, and then moved to the best room in recovery, well, according to my nurse. I stayed there for the rest of the time.

This birth was just crazy. And funny. I don't know how many times the nurses had to leave the room to go get something they needed. I had two nurses, a midwife, Steve, me, my mother and mother-in-law in this tiny little room. But I'm glad everything worked out. And now I have this beautiful little girl and one crazy story to tell!

Daddy and Gwen cuddling

Mommy and Gwen waiting to go to a stupid postpartum class. I hate that they made me go. But she sure is cute!

Gwen, ready to go home!

39 Weeks

2013-03-12T16:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I made it to 39 weeks. yay *eye roll*

39 weeks

My mom came on Saturday. It's been nice to have someone else here during the day. Plus, she won't let me fold my laundry! lol!!

I'm trying to be patient. Not with just waiting for her to come, but with everyone. I'm sort of, how do I put this, not nice right now. Like I said, I'm trying to do better. To just enjoy these last few days with the kids that I have.

Both Teage and Dexter are super cuddly right now. Especially Dexter. He must know that he won't be the baby soon. It's awesome to just cuddle with him. Yesterday, we took a nap together, on the couch. It was nice to have him snuggled up next to me.

As for when I think she's going to come. Soon. Teage's date for his guess, is tomorrow. We'll see what happens. Nothing on the contraction front so far. I've had a few here and there, but nothing like a couple Saturdays ago. Oh wait...contraction.

Whew, that one was kind of strong. I think I've been told to never again have a baby right after work. But at least this time, it wouldn't be a 10 hour shift at Lowe's. (That was with Jake. Steve wasn't very happy about the timing. He was so tired, and wanted to be awake with me the whole time. I let him take a nap.)

Anyway, 39 weeks is usually when this show happens. So let's hope and pray and send good labor vibes, that it happens this week!

38 weeks and still pregnant

2013-03-05T09:14:00.001-08:00

Well, I'm still pregnant. I had my doubts on Saturday.

Saturday, we were able to go to the temple with our ward for an all day temple day! It was great!! But, I started having contractions. And they kept going all throughout a session. That's about an hour and half. They kept going all the way from the Temple, to home. And then throughout the Twilight DVD Release party I went to that night. The contractions started at about 3:30 and kept going until midnight.

False labor sucks! I just hope all that contracting actually did something!

Other than that, I'm feeling the nesting urge pretty bad. It might be because my mom is coming on Saturday, and I have Mt. Laundry to tackle. Plus, the kids' rooms are a disaster. I'll make them clean it. Plus, all the last minute stuff I need to get done for baby girl.

Last night I finished prepping all my new girly diapers! And got out the other newborn diapers and put them away! I'm feeling pretty good about that! Plus, her room is all set up and ready to go.

I'm trying hard to have patients. I know she'll come when she's ready. And I know that I'll have time to get everything that I need to get done, done.

The kids all made their guesses as to when they think she'll come. This all came about, because Teage declared that baby girl would come in 11 days! That would be the 13th. So we asked all the kids to make their guesses and I put it up on our calendar. Here are their guesses:

Jake - the 18th
Zoe - the 17th
Leo - the 15th (Steve thinks she'll come on the 15th as well)
Teage - the 13th

Ok, so Dexter didn't get a guess. I don't think he cares. I think she'll come on her due date, the 19th.

Speaking of Dexter, I think he's going to have a hard time with the baby. He's going through so pretty bad separation anxiety and he gets super upset if someone other than him, is sitting in my lap. Well, what's left of it, anyways! I hope this isn't the case. I haven't had to deal with jealousy issues with any of my kids.

I'm just trying to let him cling to me know and get all the cuddles in now, so when she comes, he will know that I still love him. That he isn't being replaced. I'll make sure to still have cuddle time with him when she isn't needing me, or napping.

All in all, I'm feeling pretty good. My spirits are high and I'm just plugging along getting all the stuff done that needs to get done.

I'm just thankful that Steve steps up and does what I can't do anymore. And helps out, even though that means some pretty late nights. I'm a lucky gal!

Eviction Notice!

2013-02-27T10:14:00.001-08:00

Dear Baby Girl,

You have been hereby server your EVICTION NOTICE! You have three weeks to vacate my womb. Or you will be forcibly removed! (Not really, I don't believe in being induced for non medical issues) Please regard this as your final notice!

Sincerely,

Your very tired, cranky, swelling mother

I am now 37 weeks, and considered full term! I see my midwife this Friday. I'm hoping she'll check me. But I'm not expecting much.

Did I mention I hate the last few weeks of pregnancy? I'm huge. There is a baby in my ribs all the time. I'm waking up swollen now. Sleeping is hard. I can barely breathe. I'm tired. My clothes don't fit. I pee all the time. And just doing the simplest things, wear me out.

But it's all worth it in the end. I just not very patient on waiting to that end.

And even though this is number six, labor still scares me. I know what I'm getting myself into. I know how much it's going to hurt. I told this to Steve the other day. He said to remember how nice it was to get in the tub and relax.

I'm planning on doing a water birth. That means, I'll be in water for most of the time. It was relaxing and I barely felt the contractions. It also sped up my labor. So, maybe I won't have a 12+ hour labor with this one! That would be nice!

I'm just done being pregnant. I feel like this pregnancy has gone pretty slow. Like as slow as the first time. Maybe it's because I'm really want this little girl and a small part of me doesn't believe she is a she. I won't be sure until I see her girl parts.

Either way, I'm going to try and not be so grumpy. To focus on enjoying my kids before all my attention is on that little girl. To be happy that I'm healthy and things are going well, so far, in this pregnancy. I'm very lucky to be able to have this many kids, and to be healthy throughout my pregnancy.

Now, where is mama's chocolate? I need a pick me up, before I pick up the mess my "lovely" kids have made!

Happy Birthday Leo!

2013-02-26T09:02:00.000-08:00

Today, my Leo was born. I can't believe it's been 5 years since he came into our family.

I remember waking up 5 years ago today, with contractions. We dressed and walked around Aggie Village for a bit. I ate breakfast, then we had a doctor's appointment that morning.

By the time your dad and I got to the doctors, I couldn't feel my contractions anymore. The doctor checked me, and I was a stretchy 3. She knew I went through a period of time where I don't feel the contractions. She asked if I would be ok if I had to induced, basically. I said yes. So she called upstairs to Labor and Delivery to tell them we were on our way up. They weren't ready for us, so we had to wait. She also LIED to them that I was a 4 and contracting pretty regularly. lol!

So, she told us to wait 30 minutes before going upstairs. We walked around, checked out the gift shop and then headed upstairs. By the time I was all settled in, IV in and finally checked about 45 minutes later, I went from a 3 to a 6! You were coming and I didn't need the drugs!

Leo, you were my first to be born naturally. Your labor was hard. And the nurses wouldn't listen to me when I said I needed to push. For and hour and half, I was told to not push. It was painful and I hated it.

But in the end, you came, and were just the cutest thing ever! (I wish I had pictures, but I'm using our new computer and it doesn't have our pictures on it. I'll have to come back and edit once I get on my laptop and connect to the back up hard drive!) I was able to come the next day with you.

From the very beginning you showed your awesome personality! I love the funny faces you made then, and now! I love how you love to snuggle and love your stinky blanket!

Leo, you are an amazing little dude! I'm so proud of who you are now! And I can't wait to see how you turn out. I just feel like you are going to a pretty awesome person. I'm so lucky to be your mom!

I love you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEO!!!

When will baby come?

2013-02-22T18:20:00.002-08:00

I'll be 37 (full term) on Tuesday! I can't wait!! Based on past babies, that means I'll have 2 weeks until baby girl gets here!

So, here's the weird thing. I can't remember what my due dates have been in the past. I just spend an hour trying to find baby books, going through journals, old calendars, Facebook, and the blog; to try and figure out when each baby was due.

I think I got everyone's right. I'm not sure about Zoe's. Her due date was moved and the date I have written in her baby book, I know is wrong. So I had to a journal entry that said I was 35 1/2 weeks along. UGH. Anyway, here are the kids dues dates and birth dates.

Jake - Due 12/1 Born 11/24 39 weeks

Zoe - Due 7/29 Born 7/23 39 weeks 1 Day

Leo - Due 3/3 Born 2/26 39 weeks 1 Day

Teage - Due 7/25 Born 7/20 39 weeks 2 Days

Dexter - Due 6/7 Born 6/5 39 weeks 5 Days

So, based on this data, when do you think baby girl will come? I'm hoping a week early, but I think she'll be born very close to her due date, if not on her due date!

Any guesses?

Camping

2013-02-20T10:04:00.001-08:00

I love camping. Even with all of our kids, it is so much fun. It's a lot of hard work, but so much fun!

This year, we are celebrating our 10 year anniversary. Guess what we are doing? CAMPING! I'm super excited! No really, I am!

Why?

Well, we are going to Lake Wenatchee State Park!

I haven't been to Lake Wenatchee in many many moons. The last time I was there, was in '94. It was at a Camp Fire USA (Camp Zenika) where my older brother was working there as assistant camp director, aka, The Judge. He had been there for many many moons, as well. But then, the wild fire that was happening in the Wenatchee forest spread and went up and over our mountain. We were evacuated to across the lake, to an all boys YMCA camp. And then sent home the next day. Talk about memories!

I can't remember if I went back the next year or not. If I did, nothing special happened.

The point is, I loved it up there! It was so much fun. Although, we won't be staying at Camp Zenika (that would be too funny!), there is the state park in the same area-ish.

The best part, we are not taking the kids! Ok, well baby girl will be with us, since she'll be needing me for food and all that. But we haven't been camping sans kids in 9 years. For our first anniversary, we went camping at Ocean Shores. It rained, we got flooded, we were cold, and I was suffering from morning sickness. But it was so much fun!

So, we are going camping for a 10 year anniversary. I think we'll be spending the day in Leavenworth. I can't wait to eat all that wonderful German food!

We've also planned some other camping with the family. We are going to our usually spot at Cape Lookout. We'll be spending a few days with friends we met there that knew my brother and sister-in-law when they were newlyweds!

We are trying to plan another family camping trip with Steve's brothers and sisters.

And we've been invited to go camping with a co-worker of Steve's at their family land in Eastern Oregon.

I wish there was more time to go camping in the summer time! I would do it just about every weekend if we could. There is just something about getting out into nature and enjoying God's creations without the distractions of home and electronics. (says the girl that makes sure she can use her phone to update her facebook status while camping)

What are your summer plans? Any fun camping trips planned? Or just fun family trips? What's your favorite place to go during the summer?

What's 4 weeks?

2013-02-19T10:12:00.001-08:00

I'm starting to think that there is some sort of mechanism that erases past pregnancies from your brain.

I do remember having heartburn in all of my pregnancies. But never this bad. At least, I don't think so. I have it all day, everyday, and most of the night, and nothing really seems to work in getting rid of it.

So I'm praying that baby girl gets here quickly! I've got 4 weeks left until my due date. I have 3 weeks left from when I usually deliver. I'm full term next week. But she can't come next week. Leo's birthday is exactly one week from today.

Other than feeling like my chest is burning, I'm doing ok. I think nesting has hit. Either that, or the fact I have a new (to me) washer, is making cleaning and laundry fun. I feel like I have more energy then I've had in the past month or so.

That also could be due to the fact I was sick most of last month. Hence the Mt. Laundry. My goal is to get the laundry done, the baby girl clothes washed and put away, her room set up and ready and to finish off her quilt.

I started cutting it a few weeks ago, but didn't finish the cutting part. I need to get that done and then it's all sewing from there. It's a quilt that could take one day to get done. It's been two weeks and I haven't touched it. I really hope I don't put it off too much longer. But I feel guilty working on it when there is so much that needs to be done during the day. Maybe I should work on it when Dexter is napping. (Thank heavens he still naps!)

Speaking of Dexter, he has learned how to open doors. He loves doors. We don't like this phase. It makes nap and bed time, and really any door, harder.

He also is in a phase of taking off his diaper. ALL. THE. TIME. Putting pants on him stops him most of the time, but sometimes it doesn't. And if the kids don't come and tell us right away, he either pees or poops all over. And if we put him down for a nap without pants on, you can bet that the diaper will be off and poop will be everywhere.

Dexter is making it hard for me to catch up on the laundry with all the things he keeps peeing and pooping on. I so wish he was old enough to potty train. That won't happen for another year. :(

All in all, I'm trying to be patient with this last month. I am not a patient person. I just want to be done already. I love being pregnant and love feeling baby moving and all that. But why does it have to hurt?

UGH! Trying so hard to focus on happy things and be positive. Just have to get all the negative out first! Sorry.

Less then 30 days (thank you February for only having 28 days in a month!) till baby gets here!

Why yes...

2013-02-13T12:05:00.001-08:00

...I am crazy!

Last night at a Relief Society activity, I was asked a question. The lady that asked it, said, "Can I ask you a seemingly rude question without it being rude?" (I love these kind of questions!)

She asked, "How old are you?"

I laughed!

I am 29 and a half (well, on the 17th I will be).

And I'm pregnant with baby number 6.

Steve and I will have been married for 10 years in June.

I had my first baby when I was 21.

I wasn't offended at all. But I still find it silly that even women in the church are shocked and amazed that I choose to get married at 19. That I choose to start having babies at a young age. That I choose to have them so close. And that we choose to have so many.

That means in 8 short years, I have had 6 kids. And I wouldn't change that for anything!

Yes, I dropped out of college to be a mom. Yes, I had said that I wanted to finish school before I was 30. Something tells me, that won't be happening.

And you know what? I'm ok with that. I can go to school once all the kids are in school. (Remember we want 7, so I still have one more child to bring into this world. It's gonna be a while before I set foot in a college again.)

Don't get me wrong. Motherhood has been a challenge for me. I hate being called a super mom. Because, I don't think I am. I'm not a hands on kinda mom. I don't do crafts with my kids. Teaching little kids doesn't come naturally to me. I have the tv on too much. Sitting down and reading with them is hard to do. We don't want to do it at the same time. And the constant, "I'm hungry" gets on my nerves! And to be frank, I can't stand little kids.

In high school, when I was thinking about what age I wanted to teach, I knew that high school aged kids was what I really felt like I could do. Anyone younger than that, well, sorry, I can't handle.

I love my kids. I do. There are days I wonder why I got myself into this. And I love to serve other people. I will baby sit and watch anyones kids (as long as they aren't sick!) and all that. But ask me to teach, or to be hands on with them. Just shoot me instead, k?

But I love being a mom. I do things my own way. My kids might not go into school knowing how to read, or all of their ABC's. But they know that I love them. That I am and will be always there for them. That I will help them in whatever it is they need help with. And I hope that they know who they are. That they are a Child of God. And that He loves them as well, and will always be there for them.

I'm not destined to be something grand. I'm just suppose to be a mom. That's my calling in life. And yes, I am sure there are better moms out there then me.

I confess, I yell. I get upset over the little things. I get tired of having to clean up after everyone. I get frustrated over the amount of laundry that keeps being reproduced. I get angry that no one seems to want to do their chores. My house is always a mess. I said I was suppose to be a mom, not a perfect mom!

So yeah, I know I'm a little weird for wanting so many kids. For having started at such a young age. For getting married and dropping out of college to put my family first. I don't fit the mold that the world has set for women my age. But I fit the mold the Lord has set for me. And that's all that really matters!

PS Only 5 more weeks to go! Hurry up and wait. :/

34 weeks

2013-02-05T14:41:00.003-08:00

Baby girl and I are now at 34 weeks. I'm hoping I only have 5 more weeks to go. I've always delivered at 39 weeks, but with each kid, I've gotten closer and closer to my due date.

I have reached the point where I need a ton of sleep! I find myself taking naps, going to be early and sleeping in. My energy level is not where it was a month ago. Not ok when I have 5 little people to still take care of, plus a home to keep clean.

Also, cleaning is getting harder to do. I had mad plans to get the downstairs all spick and span. Nope, didn't happen. I got one room done before my back was screaming to stop and I lost whatever energy I had.

Oh well. At least I have the most wonderful husband ever who has been picking up my slack and cleaning when need to, and cooking dinner, and taking care of the kids. I'm the luckiest gal in the world!

He is also super excited for baby girl to come. Almost daily, he tells me that. The other day he said he dreamt about her and woke up sad because she wasn't here yet. Really, I couldn't have picked a better man to call my husband and father to my children!

Baby girl moves ALL. THE. TIME. I know I shouldn't complain about that, but she is so violent! Steve has commented on it. It's almost constant. Doesn't matter if I'm standing, sitting, laying down, active or just being lazy, this girl is having a party always! Deep down I love it! But does it have to hurt so much? lol!

Besides the dancing going on inside, she is doing great. Happy and healthy. Giving me a ton of heart burn, which means she should have a ton of hair!

We are all excited for her to get here. The kids keep talking about her (and the size of my belly), asking when is her birthday going to be, getting excited for her to be here. Dexter is showing signs of being a great big brother. It's wonderful to know that everyone is excited for her and already love her so much!

Now, the waiting part. It isn't my favorite thing to do and I'm not very good at it. One day at a time, right?

Things on my mind

2013-02-03T14:32:00.000-08:00

For a while now I've wanted to use my blog as a place where I can write my thoughts down. All thoughts. But mostly, for the Spiritual insights that I've had. I've felt that I need to do my part to let my light shine, since I don't have much of a social life with 5.5 little ones that keep me busy in the home.

So, that's what I'll be doing. I started a it once before, but it tapered off. Hopefully, this won't.

Last night, Steve and I were able to go to the Adult Session of Stake Conference. It was a wonderful experience for many reasons.

First, we've just been getting over stomach flu and didn't feel so great. But while there, we were not bothered by our bodies and were able to relax and feel the Spirit that was there.

Second, it was amazing to be so in tune with what was being said. Throughout this last month, Steve and I have had many conversations about what was talked about last night, from our nightly scripture study, or run in with friends.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is the state of the world. I have seen a lot of friends fall away from the church, or can see them starting to, because of the state world. We live in a day when evil is called good and good evil.

There is so much pressure from the world to change and to be "tolerant" of what the world says is ok. But the world's definition and what that word means, and what we actually should be doing, are two very different things.

Christ was the definition of tolarance. He loved everyone. EVERYONE! Even the sinner. But, taught that sin or the allowance of sin in our lives was not ok. Didn't He tell the sinners, to go and sin no more?

Now, I am not an eloquent writer or speaker. That is not my gift. I will attempt to try and say what was said by one of our Stake Presidency. I'm sorry if it isn't as good.

He stated that to be tolerant, we need to love, respect and be kind to those that have different beliefs, thoughts and opinions from ours. But we should not accept, make excuses, be indifferent, or allow for their sins to influence our lives or be ok with their choices when they try and force it on us. But also, to not start fights. There is a way to do that. I'll need to work on how to say things that don't come off in the wrong way. But he was saying exactly what I've been feeling for a long time.

Example. Jake just started Cub Scouts. He loves it! And I love that there is another program out there that has high standards and is teaching him to be a respectful citizen of the world.

And yet, I have a few friends that don't want their child in scouts because of the BSA's stance on homosexualilty. Now, I understand that that will probably change in a few days, but for now, the BSA will not allow any openly gay scouts or leaders into the program.

I was baffled to learn this of my friends. Scouts is a great program! They teach young men to how to be outstanding, respectful and kind men. Just like the church can do. But because of this stance, they don't like the BSA and seem to have hard feelings towards them. And are not sure if they would serve in that calling or allow their children to be apart of that program.

All I could think was they had let the worlds view on this, the "tolerance" of the world, that says we need to allow all people to do whatever they feel is right because to them it's right. But that isn't tolerance. That's giving into Satan's corruption. That's allowing things to be seen as good, when they are evil.

Now, before you get your panties in a twist, I am not anti-gay. Need I remind you that I had and loved very deeply a gay brother. I loved him for the person he was, but that doesn't mean that I thought living that lifestyle was ok. And I know that he was ok with that. As long as he knew that I loved him for him, it was all good.

We all have trials in our lives that are different. Just because you have same-sex tendency doesn't mean you are exempt from living a chaste life! I am happily married woman. And I still find other men that catch my fancy every once in a while. If I lived with the mentality that it was ok to act on those attractions, wouldn't I be called an adulteress? Wouldn't I be a sinner? Evil? YES!

Now is the time to look to the Lord and know, believe and ACT the way He did. He loved all of us. Even the sinner. But what did he say to the adulteress? Go and sin no more! He was very clear on His stance of sin. He loved all, but bade them to sin no more.

We too, need to do as the Savior did. Love everyone, but do not allow sin to influence us or say that it is ok. It is not. We need to not let the worlds definition of tolerance to creep into our ways. That is how we slowly let go of the iron rod. We need to hold firmly to the iron rod. With both hands. Never letting go.

What is the iron rod? It's the word of God! Read the scriptures. For they tell of what is right and wrong. And just as the scriptures were written by prophets, today, we have a living prophet that leads and guides us today.

We can't pick and choose the things we will follow. We should follow everything. Yes, it takes time to build a testimony of those things we should do. But we need to take it one thing at a time. Line upon line, right?

I hope this all makes sense. Like I said, I'm not good with the words. I'm not trying to pick any fights, and I am truly sorry if I have offended anyone. But I couldn't believe my ears when a member of the stake presidency started talking about exactly what I've been feeling for the last month or so.

We, me need to stand for what is right! Don't let the world influence our beleifs. Don't let the world relax our grip on what we know to be true and right. There are so many different views out there, but there is only one that should count, and that's God's!

8 more weeks. But who's counting?

2013-01-17T11:02:00.003-08:00

Oh man, that seems like so far away. And yet, we have gotten here kinda fast. In about two months we'll be a family of 8. WTH??????

Taken two weeks ago. 29 weeks

I have found that my emotions and hormones are out of control. Maybe it's because I have some extra estrogen in me and not a bunch of testosterone. But I'm a wreak. It's a struggle for me to not be crying one minute and then super sad or crazy angry. I hope that's not a sign of what kind a drama this little girl will be bringing into our family. Trust me, big sister has enough drama for the both of them.

Even though this is my 6th time giving birth, I'm starting to get nervous about the birth. It's all I dream about. The first time giving birth, you have no idea what you are going to go through. And Jake, well, it was a doozy. But now, NOW, I know exactly how bad it hurts. Where the wall is. How far I can go and where my limits are. I've gone natural twice now. The first time, it wasn't ideal. The second time, it was great and wonderful, and hard as hell. This time, I'm planning a water birth in a hospital. I'm excited because getting in the tub with Dexter was amazing and took all the pain away. But this is something new and different. And that can be scary. I just hate pain. I have a high tolerance for it, but that doesn't mean I like it. I'm ready for baby girl to be here already.

But, I've been super blessed these last few weeks. We moved Dexter from his room into the kids room with the bunk beds. He now sleeps, naps, and plays in that room. We've had trouble in the past when we have moved the youngest into the kids room. Staying up late, playing, and keeping brothers and sister up. But not this time. Dexter pretty much stays in bed. He'll get out of bed and play, but that's because brothers and sister are out of bed. He takes naps just fine. It's been a great transition.

And this week, I have been potty training Teage. I was scared he would be hard and I would have to fight him with this. Have a ton of accidents and eventually have to give up because he just wasn't ready. But a shopping trip with me on Saturday for big boy underwear, Skittles and stickers, seemed to do the trick! He talked all weekend about learning how to go potty on the potty. He told his Sunbeam teachers that he gets to wear big boy underwear now and will be learning how to use the potty.

Monday came, and we started off great. He only had two accidents the whole day! Tuesday started off with a massive poop accident. Not his fault, dinner the night before didn't agree with him. It didn't agree with me. I didn't count that against him. Just told him if he felt like farting, to go to the potty first. Only two accidents that day. Yesterday was a great day! Only one accident, and he was telling me when he needed to go! Today, we are starting off just fine. He's telling me when he has to go. And so far, so good!

Do you know how long it's been since we have had only ONE in diapers??? SIX AND A HALF YEARS! Yup, that's a long time. And it's only going to last a few months until baby girl is born. I'm soaking up the time of just changing one bum, while it lasts!

For now, I'm trying to over come my emotions. You know the scripture, "The natural man is an enemy of God." I can a test to that. My body is just not wanting me or letting me feel the Spirit, or peace that He brings. There is so much "noise" in my head and in my heart. I'm working really hard to not let my emotions and hormones control me. It's hard. Super hard. But I can do it.

Now I'm just waiting for March to come and we can meet this trouble maker. I can't wait to hold a baby girl in my arms! It's been too long!

Happy New Years!

2013-01-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

Can you believe it's a new year already? Where does the time go?

2012 has been so good to us. We've so much enjoyed this past year, I hope that 2013 is even better!

So what about resolutions? Well, I have a hard time keeping them. So I'm hoping to set some goals for this year and will work towards them, hopefully, faithfully throughout the year!

2013 Goals:

Enjoy my kids more
Make a quilt for baby girl
Finish up the getting the baby's room ready
Move Dexter into the kids room
Potty train Teage
Have a wonderful water birth!
When I'm ready after having baby, start running again
Lose my baby weight, and then some, as soon as I can
Celebrate our 10 year anniversary in style (coming in June!)
Do something awesome for my 30th birthday (coming in August)
Go camping at least once a month this summer
Try out new camping spots
Do more with family (in-laws and my family)
Go through my non maternity clothes and throw out stuff I don't wear and add some new clothes that I love
Add red to my clothes
Be better at cleaning the house
Get dressed and do my hair every day
Do better at scripture study
Get to know my Heavenly Father, and Jesus Christ better
Live what I am teaching my Sunday School class
Finish the Book of Mormon
Read the Old Testament with my hubby
Take better care of myself
Help Jake get his Wolf badge ASAP!
Do something special for each child on their birthday
Do more crafts, at least one a month
Make Zoe a new quilt
Finish the Quiet Books I've started last year
Help Leo get ready for Kindergarten
Read more to the kids
Hold FHE every Monday
Read more books

I hope I can do all these things. I really just want to learn to enjoy the moment and soak up the joy my kids are. They are growing up so fast and I let the little things bother me about them. Before I know it, they will all be leaving for missions and college.

I hope that 2013 is full of wonderful blessings for all of you! My our Heavenly Father watch over you and keep you safe in this new year!

Happy New Year!!!

Merry Christmas

2012-12-23T22:07:00.001-08:00

2012 has been a very good year for us! We hope that this year has been wonderful for you as well.

Dexter - Has been growing and learning new things. He turned 1 in June. He loves camping, food and cars. We nursed for 15 months, which was awesome! In December, he started nursery, and is loving it!

Teage - Amazes me with his kindness and love, each day. Teage turned 3 in July, and has no desire to potty train. But, he's talking all the time and is really into anything super hero! This is his last year in nursery. I can't believe he'll be a Sunbeam in a few weeks! Teage is learning new things, and can count to 15 without help! I'm hoping to start potty training next month.

Leo - Is awesome! He mispronounces things in the cutest way. He turned 4 in February and loved being a Sunbeam this year. Although, every girl in his class is his girlfriend, and he has many! Leo can write his name and knows most of his ABC's. He was so excited to start school next September!

Zoe - My little drama girl. I love her anyway. She is doing wonderful in school this year. She's in 1st grade and is improving in her reading, writing and talking. She still is hard to understand, but doesn't qualify for speech in school. But, she's improving, and I'm hoping she'll grow out of it soon enough. Zoe turned 6 in July. Each day I see a glimpse of what kind of young woman she will become. She is so sweet and kind, and loves mothering!

Jake - Is still super smart! He loves 2nd grade and his teacher. He plays soccer at every recess and loves learning and reading. Jake turned 8 in November and was baptized December 1st. He was so excited to be baptized and see all his family. He loved the scriptures he got from Grandma Marilu and reads them every day. More importantly, to him, he finally got to start Cub Scouts! He as already earned his Bobcat and is well on his way to earning his Wolf!

Sara - I have loved living in a house! We have all enjoyed the change and can't believe it's been a year already. In March I was called as 2nd Counselor in the Primary. A calling I've been dreading to get. But I soon loved it and wasn't ready to be released in November. But alas, I was needed somewhere else. I am now a Sunday School teacher to the 13 year olds. I can't tell you how excited I am for next year and Come, Follow Me. I have truly enjoyed teaching the youth I have now, and will miss them next year. But, I've heard I'm getting a larger group of lively kids next year. It should be interesting.

We learned I was expecting in July, and baby GIRL #6, will be making her appearance in mid March! We are ALL so happy that we are finally getting another girl and can't wait to meet her!

I turned 29 in August. I don't know how I feel about being 30 in a few months, but so far, 29 has been treating me well.

Steve - He has been working so hard this year. He's been at his job for 18 months now. And he loves it! He was called as CubMaster in February. Jake has being waiting to go to Pack Meetings with Daddy. Steve loves his calling and the boys. It's been fun learning about Scouts.

This year has been fun and exciting. We took lots of camping trips this summer. Spent time with family. Made new friends and made lots of happy memories!

We hope that you and yours have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! May Heavenly Father keep you safe and happy this new year!

Cheers!