The Hero's Journey

Out and About

2010-05-02T15:22:00.001-07:00

Out into the world. Finding home inside myself - I feel at home wherever I am. Officially moved out of my apartment - all my possessions in a 3'x 4' storage unit. Recovery work completed. Classes and programs let go of. Calendar business finished. Time to welcome in the new!

I feel ready to bring my work out into the world. Co-creation, working with others, collaborating. Teaching and facilitating experiences to bring people closer to the spirit, and spirit closer to the people. Doing the deeper spiritual work - communing with the Divine. Now is the time.

All must be let go of. Release what no longer serves. Find joy and fulfillment within, regardless of external circumstances. Now is the time to show up. Now is the time to let go, to step into the unknown. All familiar comforts dissolved, abandoned.

During my time in the woods, opportunity to let the old ways fully die. Stepping into forgiveness, surrender. Full willingness and commitment to show up, to break through, to step into who I really am. Ecstasy of presence. This is what we are being called to be and do - be fully present, alive, following our soul's purpose and calling.

I have answered the call, and now I sit, here, in the here and now. Spirit's work is done, awaiting the physical manifestation of it all.

I am ready.

In the Quiet

2010-04-21T23:36:00.000-07:00

Well, almost quiet. My refrigerator is quite noisy, as is the temporary halogen lamp sitting next to my futon. Gotta get back to the woods!

I am quiet inside though, just about ready for bed. Living in they mystery, no idea what's coming next, and no need to know. Just being. Tomorrow, it's off to put my remaining possessions in storage. Almost outta here!

Can life be this simple? It struck me earlier tonight that it is possible to touch upon simplicity, ease, and peace in any moment. I could feel the resentments, fears, hurts, and disappointments, and saw just how irrelevant they were in that moment. I got nothing out of them; they had nothing to do with the present moment at all. I could choose to let them go, not engage them, see them as unnecessary distractions.

How often to we buy into our excuses and distractions? Freedom isn't about traveling, having lots of money, or not having a family - it's an internal state, a way of being with what is. Some people have told me that they are envious and wish they had the opportunity to do what I'm doing. And yet, it seems like just another excuse to not be present. I keep seeing, over and over, that it's not about the external forms, strategies, or actions. It's how we are relating to the moment, being with the moment, living in the moment. It's just as possible to feel miserable in the face of having space and time to do whatever you want as it is to feel ecstatic joy in the face of having many commitments and obligations. It's how we orient ourselves in relationship to what is, and how willing we are to surrender to Divine will.

Which is why it all comes back to our spiritual relationship and practice. To let go of how the external should look, or how we'd like it to be, and simply open to, surrender, and embrace what is. I don't feel happy in this moment because I can move out of my place and be open to what comes next - I feel happy in this moment because I'm unattached to how anything should look. I'm content being with what is.

That is the practice, and I'm getting these days that it all can be so much simpler than I, and we, make it. Not always easy, and something that does take strong intention and practice, but simple.

I remember a piece from "Way of the Peaceful Warrior" by Dan Millman where his teacher essentially says that his satisfaction is easy to fulfill because his needs in order to be fulfilled are minimal. He gets pleasure out of the simple things in life.

And, it is primarily through the Spirit that our core needs are met. Align with the Divine, and we touch that simplicity; we fulfill those core needs. Planning, making decisions, worrying - all become unnecessary; the path becomes clear, as straightforward as following the yellow brick road. Sure, you will likely encounter witches and wizards along the way, and there will be hardships, but there are hardships regardless of what path we take. Best just to learn to deal with them and return to presence, rather than trying to control it all, manage it all, figure it out, try, create our own paths, etc. Just let go, listen, and act accordingly.

All right, I'm really ready for sleep now. Peace out.

Essential Teachings and Learnings

2010-04-08T22:08:00.000-07:00

Lots happening, very quickly, more to come soon! In the meantime, I've been reflecting on some of the core things that I've learned thus far from my journey:

* Our core purpose is to love, and to embody the vibration of love; love and presence are synonymous; love is about showing up fully, embracing our darkness and our light, living fully in each moment, choosing to open to what is; love is being fully immersed in reality and truth

* Everything else is secondary: work, relationships, home, etc. Our purpose is ultimately not about form; ideally, form is created out of being connected to our core purpose (love), and aligning with it. Most people think that a particular job or relationship will make them feel on purpose and give life meaning, happy, fulfilled, etc. True fulfillment comes from living our core purpose, moment-to-moment.

* What most impacts and serves others is the vibration that we embody. Again, form is secondary. One who washed dishes at a restaurant with love and presence will impact and touch more lives than a spiritual teacher who acts from ego, false power, control, or lack of embodiment

* One of the things that people most want is to feel the direct transmission of love; that is why embodying love (our core purpose) is the most direct way to serve others. From that place, words and concepts are often not even necessary: the direct transmission is felt, and that in turn affects the consciousness of others

* Once we learn to discern and trust guidance, as well as surrender to Divine will, life becomes much simpler and easier. Making decisions is often unnecessary; guidance provides the answers. As we follow the path of Spirit, rather than ego, our pace becomes slower; it becomes much easier to "be" instead of "do"; the need to plan or worry about the future becomes unnecessary; there is less of a need to think or figure things out; challenges are seen as blessings and opportunities for growth - nothing is accidental or by chance. we are placed in the exact right situation and circumstance to serve, grow, and bless; a sense of abundance is restored, and each moment feels like enough; we become "agents of love," living a life of ministry.

* Our lives and culture have become overly complex and complicated. As we tap into and live our core purpose, our need for fulfillment, joy, and peace is easily fulfilled. Little is needed from the outside. Many external things such as TV, politics, and organizations become distractions and take us away from essential truth. Rather than fight to avoid or change our lifestyles, these things begin to fall away, and it becomes quite easy to make the best and most nourishing choices for ourselves.

* A new consciousness is emerging on the planet, and there is a great divide occurring between those people who are conscious and those who are unconscious

* As our society begins to collapse and radically shift (including our economic system, environmental devastation, family systems, etc.) and the greater divide continues, we will no longer be able to count on any external safety and security. Rather, those who are conscious, who are committed to living by guidance and Divine truth, purpose, and law, are the ones who will move forward and help create an entirely new paradigm. During this time, things will intensify as people become scared and act out; survival will depend on the ability to discern and follow guidance, particularly in conscious communities where we can collectively tap the Divine mind. The Divine will provide during this shift, provided we listen and follow. This is where being connected to our core purpose is key and essential.

* We are in the process of emergence. Rather than force or create from our ego, we can attune and align to what the Divine is seeking to create through us. It is our job to become present to what is wanting to emerge, and help birth it into form (spiritual teacher Anakha Coman talks about this extensively, and refers to it as the "Law of Emergence")

* Life is not always about "feeling good." Our ego seeks to feel good, safe, and comfortable. When we choose to follow guidance and Divine will over ego, we ultimately serve ourselves and others much more deeply. We bring more love and consciousness into the world. We truly can create peace and harmony, as well as vitality, passion, and meaning. Ultimately, more suffering occurs through choosing ego over spirit. Things eventually crash and burn, and cause more harm than good. Choosing spirit sometimes means experiencing short-term pain in favor of long-term gain. In the end, however, both our lives and the lives of others are much more blessed.

* We all have ways that we distract, avoid, and numb ourselves. I tend to think of these ways as addictions, even thought that might not fit the classic description of the word. When we choose to face and work through our addictions, we can live the will of Spirit much more clearly and directly. It becomes much easier to live our core purpose, with much less effort.

* Divine will doesn't always make sense, and initially may not feel "right." Over time, we can learn to trust and cultivate faith. We may initially only see the trees, but not the forest. Often, our choices on this path will seem crazy, ludicrous, and possibly insane. People will likely question and challenge you. It might evoke fear in them. Divine will doesn't always make sense from the outside. Many times, it doesn't even make sense from the inside. With practice, we can learn to trust our guidance and the will of Spirit, and let go of the need to question it.

* We are not in control. We only have the illusion that we are in control. Ultimately, God is in control. Our lives become simpler and more fluid when we can learn to relax into, surrender, and trust this truth. Resistance of this leads to more suffering. Fulfillment comes via much simpler pleasures. We need much less to feel happy. We get much more of what we really want, not what we *think* we really want.

More to come!!!!

Integration, Pt. II

2010-03-29T18:12:00.000-07:00

Back home, settling in, sort of. Nothing seems to fit. Outgrown? Outdated? Sense of place, belonging. Yearning for the sun, the warmth.

Out of body experience, floating in the ethers, finally landing somewhat, at least landing in myself. Dark depression, deeper into the recovery, integrating all that I learned. How to embody the teachings in everyday life, living the learnings.

Gave notice on my apartment. The call continues. The journey continues. Thought it was the end, but it's just the beginning. The beginning of what? In the movies, they live happily ever after, the end. Real life isn't like that. That's when the real work begins. Now, my real work is beginning. The journey is just beginning, at least this phase of it. The past six weeks were just a warm-up, it seems.

Don't know what's coming next. Living in the mystery. Integrating something, letting go of something, living in the void, heeding the moment-to-moment call, even as I am landed, at least temporarily. Curious to see what comes next.

This has been a time of living and a time of dying. The breakdown, the collapse, no more security, the old ways dying. A new me being born, a new me based on essence, not the superficial trappings of society, of shoulds, of illusions. Time to live the truth, walk the path, trusting in the Divine, living from essence, living the essence, living the Divine path. Service. Ministry. Self-care. Including myself as part of the whole. It is time to rise, to resurrect.

Today, I feel that birthing. Something new is about to emerge and be born. I feel it stirring. No idea what. No idea when. No idea how. The light is returning.

It is time to rise.

Integration

2010-03-22T19:31:00.000-07:00

Long journey home, sick of the computer, little desire to engage with technology, no internet, no movies, back to the Luddite way of life. Hence, no blog. Even though I'm back home, you can pretend that I'm not, as I intend to write about my last week on the road.

Definitely simplicity. Integrating the journey. The intensity of Santa Fe swirling through me, the silent period between the death and the resurrection. Something died in Santa Fe, old wounds opened then mended through presence, stillness, and love. Hit the road in the aftermath, but it was time to go.

So great to trust the flow and rhythm, and the process of the journey. Was preparing for the build up, and sensed that my time returning back would help ground and integrate all that I learned. And, so it was. Lots of time driving, lots of time to think. Reflecting. What have I learned? Who have I become? Feeling the change inside me: more joyous, confident, connected. On purpose. In love. Experienced a very sweet soul connection on the way home, reminding me of who I am, of who I can be, of what is possible. A taste of intimacy, fun, play, vulnerability, and growth all rolled into one; something I haven't ever experienced in quite that way before. A sense of what can be as I free myself from addiction, as I learn to trust my heart and soul over my compulsive needs and emptiness.

Increasing power, and the ministry continued even as I arrived. Does it ever end? In reality, it just changes forms and venues.

Death

2010-03-13T22:37:00.000-08:00

Been waking up the past few nights after just a few hours of sleep, unable to fall back asleep. Lots of energy, rage moving through me. Lots of thoughts, active mind, hard to quiet.

Different messages presenting themselves around ritual rite of passage, particularly where the death occurs. Old self dying, new self emerging.

That has been my experience here in Santa Fe: this is a place to die and be reborn. The veils seem so thin, the presence of the ancestors strong. I wonder how many rituals were done here over time.

Apparently, parts of myself don't want to die easily. Sometimes in this phase, everything seems hopeless, a sense of going insane, being fucked up beyond repair, no way out. This is where it is tempting to gain some kind of control, some way to get out of and escape death. And yet, the old ways must die if were are to grow and evolve. No choice but to be present and allow the death to occur, to embrace the end so that the new can be born.

I have been struggling in this place. Not so much resisting, but more feeling worn out, empty, drained. Riding the waves. I feel the death happening, and I feel scared to let go. Who will I be? Will everything fall apart, collapse? Well, yeah. Things will change. Ways of being, ways of relating, moving into unfamiliar territory, where the strategies of the past no longer serve to keep me secure and small.

In this place, I experience the death of being over-responsible, over-caretaking, being the martyr, trying to please everyone, never being enough. And, if these ways die, who will love me? Who will want me? My worth so tied up in what I do for others.

This place is young, beyond logic or reason. Which is especially why there is nothing to do, except be present and let it die. Out of this place, real power can emerge, authentic power based in service by choice, not obligation or necessity. Being responsible for myself, not others. Trusting and following my path, and committing to what I know most deeply in my heart and soul to be true.

As I spend my last night here, I am curious as to what tonight's dreams will bring (assuming I actually sleep long enough to have any). Tomorrow, beginning to make my way back towards home as I integrate and celebrate the journey.

For now, opening to and embracing the final death. It is time for the new to be born.

Integration of the Whole: The Eye of the Needle

2010-03-11T22:23:00.000-08:00

Calmer today, storm passed. Walking the razor's edge, passing through the eye of the needle, the ordeal that must be faced. Fear of loss of control, of death, of disorder. I look back at the fear of the past few days, and see how it must be faced: this fear underlies our whole culture and way of being in the world. We all have it. To deny it or to overlook it is to live in ignorance of the reality that we've created.

In the midst of yesterday's fear, I had two flashbacks, each of a rite of passage-like experience that I was not aware of at the time. One when I was 12, the other around 27. In each, I freaked out and panicked. Fear overtook me. In the first, which was extremely profound and was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life, I didn't make it through to the other side. At that point, consumed by fear, my life began to collapse. My weaknesses shone through. Friends left me. School became torture. I was alone. I didn't recover. I wasn't able to stand in the face of the fear.

This land reminds me of those experiences. Something about the land here is ancient, desolate, charged, gloomy. I feel the presence of spirits everywhere. I feel the presence of death, of transition, a thin veil between the worlds. As such, I believe that I was called to face my own fears around death, my own need for security and comfort and control. This is what was surfacing, and I needed to finally be able to stand in the face of fears and know that I could survive, know that I could connect to the presence of love and spirit, even in the midst of the terror.

We all must face these fears if we are to truly live the lives that we have been called to live. To become who we were meant to be. It goes beyond role: the kind of job we have, who we relate to, where we live, how much money we make. It is about living in presence, in love, as love, in this crazy world. That is where we find solace: in the arms of Spirit, surrendering to the mystery of life, trusting the path, regardless of how it looks. Few have the courage to walk this path and claim their destiny here on this planet. And, if we are to answer this call, to take the risk to be truly happy, we must pass through this eye. We must face and confront our fears. We must surrender control, security, and safety, and risk death.

Are we here to live, or die? What choices will you make?

As I sit here today, tired, exhausted, I feel the fear subsiding, a greater sense of trust in myself and in the Spirit. We are held, always, in all ways, in each moment of our lives. I am grateful.

Freaking Out

2010-03-10T13:04:00.000-08:00

Intense fear over the past couple of days. Core fears: survival, intimacy, finances, security. Am I making a mistake? Am I courageous, or just plain stupid? Will I be all right? How will I pay rent next month? Can I trust my needs, desires, wants? Am I worthy? Maybe I'm just fucked up. I don't deserve to live. I am a mistake. I hurt people. Core fears, core stories. Fear running up and down my body. Chills. Constriction.

The witness watching. Learning to trust guidance. Learning to trust myself. These core fears keep me running, keep me in unhealthy, unfulfilling relationships, perpetual suffering, holding back, playing small, surviving instead of thriving, doing things I think I should be doing rather than want to be doing, pushing myself hard, beating myself up, never making the grade, blah, blah, blah . . .

How many of us live in response to these fears? Living ok lives, doing all right, not doing too badly, getting by, making a living. Going round and round the hamster wheel, never going for what we really want, settling for comfort and security. The cost is enormous, and we don't see it. Because everyone else is doing it, it all seems normal. "It's just the way things are," we justify to ourselves.

To walk the razor's edge is to move into the discomfort that we normally try to avoid through addiction and distraction, through numbing ourselves out, through denial. It is to move from surviving into thriving. To go for what we really want, what our souls cry out for. It's fucking terrifying; on the edge, there is no security or comfort. Everything is unpredictable, unknown, mysterious. There is no cut and dried formula or path. You'll probably have some falls, people will judge you, and you'll likely have moments of being scared shitless.

And yet, this is also where life happens - on the edges. In that unknown space. In the discomfort.

What I am experiencing and seeing right now is the illusion of everything outside of myself having anything to do with how I feel. Work, relationships, finances have nothing to do with joy, happiness, or purpose. As I sit on the couch, one moment I feel joy, the next fear. One moment trust and fulfillment, the next fear about money. And yet, nothing externally has changed. I've just been sitting here on the couch the whole time.

A job won't bring happiness. A relationship won't bring happiness. Only being fully here, with myself, with God, in presence and communion with creation, that is where happiness exists, where it is created. We take it with us, regardless of the situation or circumstances of our lives. I can feel it, when I let go, surrender, trust, feel, be present, breathe.

I've spent a lot of my life worrying and lamenting about what I don't have, or what I want and don't have. I'm beginning to experience a new kind of wanting and yearning: a joyous wanting. In this place, I feel excited about my desires, and look forward to them happening. I know that it is only a matter of time before they come, and instead of being impatient, lacking, and unfulfilled, I trust that they are met, that there is enough. From this place, I already feel full. I have enough, now, regardless of outcome. The outcome becomes irrelevant.

This is the learning, the path that we are being called to take as a culture. Society is breaking down, collapsing. The old ways are dying, and we see it in our government, financial and economic structures, crime, addiction, war. We are being asked to live from the inside out. To find the joy and fulfillment from within, and create from that place.

This is the practice. Living on the edge. Taking risks. We don't even have much of a choice any more, as the world changes around us. Allowing and being with discomfort. It's not always easy. Sometimes, it's fucking terrifying. The inner voices will surface. Fears arise. Doubts nag and linger. And yet, isn't that life?

Releasing, Rooting, Opening, Unfolding

2010-03-08T23:08:00.001-08:00

Ready to hit the road again tomorrow morning, on my way to Santa Fe. A couple of days later than intended, but nevertheless . . . it’s on!

Intense fear this morning – who will I become? What will I need to let go of? Lost identity, past behind me, stepping even deeper into the unknown, into the mystery. Loss of control, can’t keep it all together, can’t know, can’t look good, do it right, figure it out.

First part of this journey = letting go. Cutting ties and cords to the past. Releasing the old.

Second part = relaxing into the now. Stillness. Peace. Calm. Nuturing. The old dying away, settling into the calmness of now, held in the womb, retreat, inner peace, coming to terms with the present moment.

Third part = what is to come now. Opening. Expansion. Moving outward. Becoming. This is what I am stepping into next. Getting bigger. Taking up space. No more hiding, playing small. Time to step up. Hence, the excitement and fear. Exposure. Vulnerability. Real power.

The mystery keeps unfolding. I surrender to it.

Appreciating the simplicity of life. We make it so complex and complicated, all to distract ourselves from what is here now, from having to show up in the now, from being with what is, with reality. The divine is right here, all the thinking and searching and analyzing and theorizing and dramatizing all keeps us from the simple truth that god lives within us, within this moment. Nothing to do, except open to that truth. From that truth, all else flows and unfolds. The journey opens. The heart opens. Life opens.

Who knows what really is to come next? All I can keep doing is showing up, listening, and following. In this space, the synchronicity is perfect. I believe now, more than ever, that it always is, it’s just that often our minds and egos have a different idea of what should be. In reality, all is conspiring to bring us into wholeness, into the life that we were meant to live. Trust that, and all unfolds without incident. This is the way. Nothing to figure out, decipher, interpret. Be here, surrender, allow, trust, listen, follow. From there, we determine our response to reality, but let go of trying to control or alter it. We become at choice – do we want to resist, or surrender? Allow, or repel? Deny, or accept? Embrace, or reject?

This is the simple choice, over and over again.

This is the journey.

Guidance

2010-03-05T13:13:00.000-08:00

Woke up this morning. Santa Fe. Taos. Whispered urgently in my ear. Go soon. Sunday? I am on a need-to-know basis. Yesterday, nothing. Today, the call comes. No choice but to listen, to trust. I will follow. Taking time to listen, discern. This is the path.

Integration

2010-03-05T13:11:00.000-08:00

Integration

Pulling together the different aspects of myself. Fragmented, dissociated, coming together.

The parts of me that show up in different ways: the intensity, the heavy metal, the classical, the playful, the serious, the joyful, the contemplative, the adventurer, the irreverence, the polite – all showing up in different ways, different times, separate.

Bringing them together, bringing it all together, bringing me together. No separation – unity, wholeness. Me as me. I am that I am. All together, as one. Time to move beyond the compartmentalized, the broken up pieces and bring together, bring forth all of myself. Me as me. I am that I am. Always, all ways, in all areas of my life, in each moment of my life, just the One.

I can have it all. I can be all of it. The joyous lover, the introspective mystic, the passionate leader, the silent observer, the witness, the judge, the deep thinker and philosopher, the playful Cheshire cat. I can bring all of me forth, all of me serving the One, all of me One, one being, one spirit, one essence. This is what I am learning, this is what I am integrating, what is being integrated, effortlessly, joyously, sweetly, and tenderly. Being put back together, one piece at a time, cohesive gelling, seamless integration. I am becoming whole.

Out with the old, in with the new

2010-03-02T10:32:00.001-08:00

Feeling a lot of grief over the past couple of days. Being stripped away of the old, lost, gone. It actually does feel like the old is gone, has been gone, now acknowledging it.

Who are we really, when all is stripped away? Illusions, masks, stories, identities. Shed the layers – drop down to the core. The everchanging and unfolding mystery of ourselves.

I feel like I’m being born again. Emerging fresh, anew, few ties to the past, cords cut. Home seems somehow distant and foreign, and I know that it will never be the same again. Right now, home feels like it’s inside me, with me, no longer an external place that I can go to.

In the wake of grief is a new kind of strength and power, one that requires no effort to conjure up or force. I am strong inside myself, a warrior, a lover, a king, a magician, following the sacred path, answering the call, awaiting the mission.

For now, rest, replenishing, restoration. Letting the new wings dry, settle in, acclimate to this new life, this new way of being. The identity of identity-lessness. Continuing to let go, to let the old die, to settle in to the now.

I don’t know where I’m going, but I do know that I am held in grace, the I am supported and loved, that there is plenty. Nothing to fear, nothing to resist, armor down, heart open, ready. Alert and ready.

Opening to Life

2010-02-27T23:32:00.001-08:00

Lots of quiet time, separating the masks and veils from my true self. Seeing how much of my life has been spent in “doing” mode. Getting things done. Making things happen.

It’s not as much what I do, but more how I do it. What I bring to the moment. Seeing how much I force myself, should myself, trying to outrun the voices of shame and not enough, proving my worth through what I accomplish and create. Trying to do what seems important or meaningful, rather than what simply feels nourishing, joyous, pleasurable.

More and more, it’s seeming like such a strange way to live, like I haven’t really been living. At least, not consciously. There is nothing that “has” to get done. Nothing I “must” do. No wonder my work can feel suffocating. No wonder my life can feel suffocating. No wonder, so many relationships are like work.

Where’s the joy?

I feel ready to really live. To do the things that feel good. To discover the excitement in relationships, without needing them to be different. Without needing myself to be different. It’s ok to love what I love, without needing to analyze it, wonder what’s “best” for me, forget trying to do the “right” things.

To be honest, I’m sick of growing, or at least trying to grow. How about living in the now? How about accepting what is, myself as I am? How much I’ve been trying to please others, do what I think they think I should be doing. Given away so much power in the name of being liked and approved of.

I feel this veil lifting, separating the layers of falseness from my truth self: my true desires, wishes, dreams. Forget trying to find the “right” relationships – how about ones that simply feel good? No need to analyze, wonder, protect myself from the messy surrender of just jumping in and seeing what happens.

Self-acceptance. Self-love. Deep power, arising without effort. This is how I want to live. Free. Unbound. Out of the mind, into the body. Integration. Fun. Play. Joy. I want my work to feel light, expansive. Release the heaviness, the burden, needing others to change, needing this world, this culture to change. I’m tired of it.

Ready to offer myself, without expectation. Just do it, for the pleasure of doing it. Do it for the sheer love and joy of it. Drop the seriousness, the intensity, the urgency. Live in the now. Open to life, embracing all as it is.

Hard to put into words. True self emerging. Ease. Presence. Love. The lightness of being. This is what I’ve been searching for. This is what I’ve been needing, the medicine for myself, and for others. Now, I just get to be.

How simple.

The Great Surrender

2010-02-26T12:28:00.001-08:00

Life in the now. Nothing to do. How many of us spend our lives doing, in survival mode, trying to make life happen?

Life already is happening, whether we do anything or not. How about just going along for the ride?

Questions of survival – how will I make money? How will I live? Identity fused with work and vocation, false self, ego mask. Who are you really, underneath it all?

These are the questions I am living. The greatest value is in presence: being present, offering presence, open heart vulnerable to each moment of life, to each person, extending love and compassion, showing up. This is the essential practice; everything else is just window dressing. Icing on the cake, the cake being presence.

The best gift we can offer this world is ourselves, our essential self. Our core. All action, all form, arises out of that gift. We simply offer a vibration, a frequency, aligned with the truth of who we are. We open to that truth by listening, by surrendering, by opening. By cultivating the courage and willingness to say yes to life, to god, to go down to the depths of who we are and touch truth. Sometimes this truth is ugly, dark, unpleasant, uncomfortable. Sometimes it is joyous, playful, exciting. Sometimes it is mundane, boring, flat.

In this evolution, we are changing. The world is changing. Best to be with what is, rather than what was, will be, or could be. Survival is dated – time to really live!

As part of this new paradigm of presence, the invitation is to get uncomfortable and move into this new territory. For awhile, it might look like survival. Going against the grain, carving out new trails, venturing into the unknown – we are just getting our bearings. Over time, once the seeds are sown and the earth tilled and settled, growth, prosperity, and abundance are inevitable.

Patience is the virtue – being willing to wait, to truth in the path, even if we can’t see around the bend. This is where the great surrender comes in – being led by God’s hand, without any knowing or answers beyond the now.

Which comes back to presence. Acknowledging the truth of the moment. Seeing and being with what is. Fully showing up to what is arising, and being in relationship with life. This is all we can know, do, and be. What is right now. All else is illusion. We are either open, offering ourselves, our gifts, our hearts, or we are closed, constricted, withholding, in each moment. It is what we bring to the moment that counts, that is felt, and that blesses this world. The answers lie here, in the now, for those who are willing to hear them, following them wherever they may lead.

Landed in Tucson

2010-02-24T22:06:00.001-08:00

Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh . . .

Traveling Ministry

2010-02-24T22:05:00.001-08:00

Beautiful places, people, experiences. Living in the moment, in the now. So easy to do when traveling . . .

Oakland, San Fran, San Cruz, Joshua Tree. The joy of connecting, of being, of loving and being loved. Everyone has been so gracious, kind, welcoming . . . wonderful experience after experience after experience.

Feeling myself come home to myself. Settling into who I am. I am not what I do. I am what I am – through my presence, my being-ness, my essence. Living in and as my essential nature. Free. Unbound. Powerful. Creative. Alive.

What I’m most recognizing is the simple power of presence, and how everything arises and emanates from that place. What we offer others is simply a vibration: the words, actions, thoughts, beliefs are all secondary to what we offer through our simple being-ness.

This is the ministry of love, and of presence – offering ourselves as the gift, as the blessing, simply by being who we are.

This is why doing the inner work is so important, even more so than the form such as our job, relationship, etc. – it is our presence that is most felt, that makes the most impact on others, and the world. Presence cannot be faked – it is perceived and felt, revealing the truth of what is. Unlike words, which can be untrue, misleading, confusing, vague, etc., our presence doesn’t lie. It speaks and communicates the truth of who we are.

Our presence radiates outward, touching all that we contact. Two people can do the same job, but it is the depth of presence, and thus love, that shapes the quality of the work. Therefore, the more we cultivate and call forth our deepest presence, aligned with our core and essential self, the more impact we have to truly make a difference.

More on this later . . . now, time to relax and settle in!

Living in Presence

2010-02-21T01:51:00.000-08:00

Underneath the masks, true self emerging. Full circle, deepening. The simplicity of truth, of living truth, of sharing truth.

I feel the old falling away. The struggle, the suffering, the baggage of the past. Healing the past in the present. New sense of peace. Who am I? I am.

Reconnecting with those who I haven't seen since high school, sweet connections, like time has passed, yet like time hasn't passed or skipped a beat. Somehow, it helps me to affirm the me in the now, rather than who I was. Now, the past just seems like bullshit, like whatever happened back then has no relevance to how I show up now. It has shaped me, but it no longer defines me. Time to let go of the ghosts.

As I travel, I love the ease and spontaneity of following spirit, of being truly available for what and who shows up. It feels so much more real than contrived schedules, sessions, and appointments. I appreciate being in the right place at the right time, rather than trying to create the right place and time. Nothing to hold on or attach to. Just being. I feel so much more like myself.

Live the moment. Release the past. Open to the now. I feel the love in my heart, the spontaneous joy that comes with being truly alive.

Now is the time.

Softening. Allowing. Trusting.

2010-02-19T12:10:00.001-08:00

Armor softening, defenses melting. Releasing the thin veil around my heart, my body. Years of protection, guardedness, afraid to let go, be vulnerable to life.

Practicing the surrender. Allowing. Opening. Ready to receive the blessings, release the cynicism, doubt, lack of trust in others, in self, in life.

Ready to let go.

No need to go through life protecting myself, withholding love, presence, affection, caring, nurturing, devotion. Open all the way. Bear my heart, my power, my strength, offering it to those around me, to this world.

As a warrior on the journey, courage to face life and the world as it is, standing strong and tall in who I am, knowing that I am received, held, cared for, just as I am. No need to try or do. Simply being myself.

That is the call. To believe in ourselves. To trust in the abundance and goodness of the universe. To, as Einstein said, believe in a benevolent universe rather than a malevolent one.

This is what I am coming to realize. That the universe is always conspiring for the highest good, whether I like it or not, whether it's comfortable or not, whether it's my preference or not. All I get to do is choose to open to and embrace what is or not. To fail to make that choice is to suffer.

This requires a full and complete surrender to God. To admit our powerlessness, and in doing so, claim our power. Releasing the moralistic laws and judgments, letting go of what is fair, and simply surrendering to what is. That is where we own our power. How do we want to be with life? How do we want to relate to the world?

The hero's journey is a paradox: there is nowhere to get to. It's what we bring to the moment that truly counts. The journey is now.

Rested

2010-02-16T23:34:00.000-08:00

Good night's sleep, first in a week that I didn't wake up from some intense dream in the middle of the night. Woke up to bright sun coming through the skylight. Aaaahhhh . . .

Ready to shed the past, stepping into the new, into the light. Bring in the buoyancy, the joy, the play, the fun. Remembering how easy things can be. Love the natural flow and rhythm. In this place, clocks make no sense. Schedules make no sense. What the fuck are we thinking/doing, living this way? Forget institutions; we are living in true madness.

In this free space, so much easier to drop down to the root, to the essence of myself. Minimal distractions. Joyous connections. Touch, affection, great conversation, traveling ministering. Living in the moment. Imagining how different our culture would if we lived this way.

Simplicity. Not a whole lot to say. I hear the words on S.N. Goenka: "Start again".

That is the invitation: to let go of the old, and start again.

On the Road (from last night)

2010-02-16T13:21:00.000-08:00

On the road! Short drive to Eugene, staying with friends. Sweetness. Warmth. Hospitality. First stop on the journey.

Graceful leave from home, sweet goodbye for now, very calm, slightly nervous, gently dissipating once I set out. All seems easy, in the flow. My friend Karly asks me tonight, “What are you most afraid of in doing this?”

Afraid that nothing will happen, that I return no different than when I left, that it was all a big cosmic joke.

“What are you most excited about in doing this?”

Simply being excited, getting to experience that excitement in each moment of the journey.

I do feel the expansion happening. At home, couldn’t see the walls anymore, the places I was bumping up against. They became invisible. Now, I feel limitless, like I have space to become, to open, to get bigger. No mold or container to fit myself into, or fitting me into it. I am excited to become more of who I am, underneath the masks, the false self, the façade of puny-ness. Here, time and space is wide open. I can become anything, anyone, myself.

It is also easier to be more present with the choice in each moment: to soften, to open, to relax, to choose joy and happiness. To choose excitement, fun, and play. We all have this choice, but, trapped in the multitude of distractions that we create for ourselves, fail to recognize it. I am beginning to see it more clearly now, and practice choosing. Do I want to open or close? It is up to me. I determine my experience in each moment, regardless of what is happening around me.

Already the conversation is stirring me: talk of god, of relationships, of spiritual paths and practices. I think we make it all much more complicated than it needs to be. When it comes down to it, all there is is God. Love. Presence. The dogma, the rituals, the principles are all illusions. Why not just go straight to the Source? It’s always there: it’s our choice to open to it in each moment. What else is there? It all seems quite simple.

And so, it has begun. The past behind me, the future awaiting. I feel the seed beginning to sprout.

I am ready to grow.

Stillness Speaks

2010-02-15T00:53:00.001-08:00

I leave tomorrow, ready to hit the road. Spent today doing last-minute errands and such, including cleaning and preparing my car. Gotta say, going on a voyage in a '96 Mercury Sable isn't exactly paint the most romantic picture, but hey, all things serve the One.

After a pretty intense build up over the past week (it's been exactly a week since this whole "idea" came through), I feel very calm and still tonight. The fear has dissipated, and I simply feel ready, with no real fanfare. It was good to give it an extra day.

Which for me again comes back to trusting guidance more than my own ego. My ego said things like, "but you committed," "but you planned," "but you should just go." Guidance had another idea.

How much of our lives is lived through ego? Our culture is so based on "the plan," in essence suffocating and shutting out the spirit, the spontaneity, the moment. In an effort to maintain control and security, we lose the joy and true freedom that we ultimately crave.

I know I do. I have experienced such a radical shift through living this way: more relaxed, fulfilled, calm. Making decisions is so much simpler, so long as I'm willing to listen and follow through. Rather than go through all the mental gymnastics, how about just asking Source?

This is my practice on this journey. It might not always be comfortable, easy, or aligned with personal preference, but it is ultimately much more gratifying.

Such is spiritual communion; in doing so, each moment becomes an act of service and devotion. Life becomes simpler. Each moment becomes an opportunity to experience that deep sense of belonging, connection, and meaning that we all yearn for. And, it's right there, waiting for us. All we need to do is say yes.

I say yes!

Party on!

Almost there

2010-02-14T00:11:00.000-08:00

Getting close. Pushed back to Monday, little more time to ease in, finish up here. So smoothly falling into place.

Pushed out of the nest, hand behind my back, urging me forward. Time to go.

Time to go.

Slightly restless, anxious. Not so much nervousness; more fear.

Letting go.

I don't really feel like myself anymore, whatever "myself" means. Don't feel like I belong anywhere, floating in the void, a blank canvas to be painted upon.

I know this is right, feel it in my being. Time to go. Time to let go.

Time to live.

Reclaim the joy, the power, the passion, discover it where it was all along: inside myself. Sometimes we need to leave to truly find the way back home.

I am ready to take this step, this leap into the unknown.

Sun shining, full glory awaiting.

Arrival.

Stepping into the becoming.

Emergence.

Moving into wholeness.

Tapping the source.

"Leaving" is an illusion.

Simply becoming.

Myself.

Faith and the Wings to Fly

2010-02-11T23:40:00.000-08:00

Time seems to be speeding up, a big swirling rush of energy, building, whirlwind, frenzy. I feel it in my body, a sense of becoming. Becoming what, I'm not so sure, but I feel it moving, turning, churning . . . alchemy.

I don't really feel here somehow. Ego dissolution, old me, old ways falling away. In between the worlds, chrysalis goop, past residual dissolving, melting. Who and what will I become? My identity seems so amorphous. I feel grounded, yet far away. Nothing to cling or hold on to. Free fall in time and space. I am no longer who I was, and there is no turning back.

Synchronous alignment . . . how the hell am I going to get a sublet-er in four days? Friend to me yesterday: good luck - lots of places available now - excess supply, little demand . . . thinking it's hopeless, and voila! Today, I get a call - she'll take it - perfect alignment! Gotta trust, gotta trust, when following guidance, that all will work out. God is there, ready, waiting . . . faith, trust, gotta take the step, off the edge, God rushing to meet us, what are we waiting for?

This is the true journey, the true test of the journey. Will we let go? Will we surrender? Let go of ego mind, of self, and allow ourselves to be lived, cared for, nourished by that greater presence, source, spirit, divine? That is faith - knowing that we can't do it alone, that we are powerless; first three steps: we are powerless, believe in the higher power, surrender to this power. It can carry us, take us to places that we've never dreamed of, that all the years of therapy, workshops, meditation, and all that bullshit can't touch. Let go and let God, as they say.

There is no security on this path other than faith. All else is simply an illusion. Step into the fear, into the unknown. Declare the "what," and leave the "how" up to God. It's not up to us.

Take the step. Oh, and did I mention that I will be leaving on Sunday?

Inner Workings

2010-02-10T13:14:00.000-08:00

What goes through the hero's mind? In myths, we don't really know what the hero is thinking, or how the hero feels. Does the hero feel scared shitless? Have suicidal thoughts? Fantasize about turning back, or simply settling for some mindless corporate job?

I feel the blanks being filled in, the visceral experience of undertaking the journey. The core fears, beliefs, and stories surfacing, ready to be healed and released. Is this the darkness that was there all along, running the scenes from behind the curtain? Those voices of self-doubt, self-hatred, shame, fear, judgment? They are quite loud now, turned up to 11. They are no longer in hiding, making themselves known and conscious.

It is time to let them go, making the darkness conscious to that it may be integrated, transformed, blessed, made holy. These are the parts of myself that have kept me from going further, from being completely free, liberated, unadulterated, unhinged, unleashed. Living with wild reckless abandon, free from should's, have to's, right and wrongs. Who would I be if I just allowed the inner light to shine, letting go of anyone's response, reaction, or ideas about who I am and who I should be? Who would I be if those voices no longer ran the show?

This is the journey. One step at a time, moment-to-moment presence, fully embracing and being with life, with all that is, right now. The highs and lows, the exhilaration and the terror, and everything in between.

This is life. This is living. To take a break from being present is to deny reality, and that only gets you so far, settling for the superficial, mediocre life where everything "works," but life is not fully lived.

This is our quest. To feel. To show up. To be present. To love. All of it, as it is, full embrace of reality.

My heart softens, my strength surges, and the voices calm down. My own myth becoming reality, the heroes of the past dissolving, re-integrating through me, as me, as I become the hero of my own life. This is the new mythology.

Logistics

2010-02-09T19:28:00.000-08:00

Figuring out what needs to be done. Sublet my place? Get bills pre-paid? When am I leaving? What do I do about my class? My programs?

Lots of to-do's on my mind tonight, the reality setting in. It feels a little strange leaving for an indefinite amount of time. In the past, I've just moved out, put all my things in storage, and hit the road. Now, holding onto my place, which it seems clear to do, it's not like I'm leaving everything behind. In that way, it somehow makes everything more real. No escape. No running. Just embarking on this quest as an integrated part of my life.

I feel the open road, the sun, the warmth, the awaiting of adventure: people, places, things to do. Starting to hear of things along the way as I talk to friends: the Inner Light Church in Santa Cruz. Intentional communities. People I should see along the way.

It is becoming more real each moment, a sense of fullness, ripening, bursting, pushing through the tight skin and exploding into whatever comes next.

I am ready.