Thats Me

!!!

2012-02-04T00:09:00.003+05:30

Sometimes when you are right, and you know that you have never been more right about anything in your life than now, you wish somewhere in the deepest darkest corners of your heart that you were wrong, that there has been some mistake, some misunderstanding on your part.

Also, there are times when you realize that a door is closing, a story has ended, and its beautiful, glittering, faded memories are the only ones that remain. You know you want to hug, touch, feel, kiss, know the physical presence, not only see it but also feel it. And you know also that you can't have it. That among many other wishes of yours that remained unfulfilled, this one too will increase that number from 69 to 65... ooo... sorry reduced. Sorry, sorry.

need

2011-06-16T00:38:00.005+05:30

Why do you need someone, anyone at all ?

Just to touch, just to hold, just to possess, just to feel.

Maybe its something natural and therefore soothing, "God-Made".

The imperfect beauty of the contours of the body, the sinews under the layers of skin and hair, pulsating with raw energy, life.

The soft textures of the skin, the zig zagging lines giving each his (/her *its a free country, am not a sexist*) own unique identity.

The harmonious rhythm of the heart followed by the gradual, continuous rise and fall of the chest. The security it provides, "I am here, I am alive"

The touch, the soft lips feeling the body, finding words in the contours, textures, colors, the rise and fall, yet wordless.

The strength of the muscles, gentle yet strong, reminding you of the surreal yet physical presence.

The breath of air tickling you, inviting you in, to share a secret.

The unopen eyes, thirstily drinking in everything, yet not seeing.

The body myrrh, seducing, intoxicating, mind-numbing.

mmm..., I see what you mean.

incest

2008-02-04T15:29:00.000+05:30

Public Disclaimer:
the incidents and the characters mentioned here are purely fictional. Any resemblance to dead or living is unintentional and purely coincidental.

incestDefinitions of incest on the Web:

Nonforcible sexual intercourse between persons who are related to each other within the degrees wherein marriage is prohibited by law.
www.cup.edu/administration/publicsafety/index.jsp

(in·cest) (in´sest) [L. incestus impure] sexual intercourse or other sexual activity between persons so closely related that marriage between them is legally or culturally prohibited.
www.mercksource.com/pp/us/cns/cns_hl_dorlands.jspzQzpgzEzzSzppdocszSzuszSzcommonzSzdorlandszSzdorlandzSzdmd_i_05zPzhtm

Offences committed under the Incest Act, 1567. This could be construed as sexual intercourse with ascendants up to great-grandparents and descendants down to great-grandchildren, with brothers or sisters, nephews or nieces, aunts or uncles, and adoptive or former adoptive parents and children. ...
www.nas.gov.uk/guides/legalTerms.asp

is child sexual abuse by a person the child perceives as a member of the family.
www.sarsonline.org/defhelp_definitions.php

From the Latin, "incestus" or unchaste, refers to sexual activity between two people of close kinship, typically by reason of marriage or adoption. As a group incest offenders are extremely heterogenous. ...
www.forensicexaminers.com/terminology.html

Sexual activity between members of the same family. Incestuous relationships may or may not be consensual and lead to the same emotional and psychological problems as in child sexual abuse. See CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE
www.ifsha.org/glossary.htm

any type of exploitive sexual contact between relatives in which the victim is under eighteen years of age
highered.mcgraw-hill.com/sites/0072487747/student_view0/glossary.html

Sexual behavior between two persons who are closely related genetically.

ok...so tht ws the technical definition of the word...bt actly it wud go wayyyyyyyyyy beyond tht...wudnt it ?? n its actly somethng very commonly experienced by a grl these days in all modern households...rich...poor...middle class...its lke sme kinda blood thirsty "Hawass ke Pujari" closing in on a grl frm all sides...reaching out n grabbing at wteva part they can get hold of...kinda like the story of "The Hungry Wolf" n Red Riding Hood...(nw this wud arouse questions in ur mind....has she/ hasn't she...undergone a similar experience kinda..hmm...well i m nt bout to answer tht 1 though...)

so...coming bak to the trauma part...hw it really really kills you n threatens to destroy ur very existence in ur own world...n the worst part...tht its a family member doing so...u read The Times of India, or any other daily...hw many cases do u read every morning...of a girl being raped by their own family... ?? ( in some instances...by their own father(s) )...so...lookin at it frm this far...who is more modern?? the villager sheela who reportd against her relative ?? or the city grl Dia...who is afraid of the entire episode...undergoes the same treatment everyday n still has no courage to stand up for herslf...!!

the basic fear tht wud stop Dia from reporting such acts by her own uncle wud be tht no1 wud beleiv her n everybdy will thnk tht she is a Liar...n labelled so...for the rest of her life...n tht it might create problems for her in her future married life...so the easy way out wud be to tolerate it...n get thru wid it...no matter hw badly it is affecting her psychology...n the Wolf ws exactly waiting for this very attitude...coz now he can have his fill...widout nybdy realizing tht he is killing the sheep...everyday...(or wteva) ...just try n put urself in her place...n imagine ( minus the Jab We Met effect)...the trauma of a grl...barly old enuff to handle her own body...is being manhandled...continuously...ruthlessly...by one n all...wts the difference between her and the Municipality Trash Bin ?? r all the grls jst a Trash Bin for all Men ??????????? is it really ?? ( n this is a serious question i m askin)...ny guy she talks to ...whoever she becums friendly wid...goes out n blabs to his frnd... "ye ladki to mere peeche peeche ghoomti hai...peeche padi hai mere.." is it ??? javed akhtar once wrote "a girl(woman/female...wteva) is virtually raped by all Men..." is it ?? is it true for her very own brothers?? whom she ties the so called "pavitra " rakhi...every raksha bandhan...n jisko woh har Bhai Dooj pe tilak lagate hai ??? the fact tht we trust our own family members is being exploited ?? the fact tht we share the same blood?? who the Bloody HELL gave you... n i mean ...you...(whoeva is reading this post) the right to exploit the trust we put on you ?? ittne hi zada horny ho rae they...toh jaake apni ma ke paass kyu nai baithtey...jisne tumhe paida kiya hai...doodh pilaya hai...wahi sab cheezei dusri ladkiyon pe toh bada Sexually Arouse kar deti hai na ?? then go n hav a look at ur own "mum"...u bloody asshole...she is a female...n she has everythng that the grl across the street has...the very same one you pass comments at...
problem pata hai kya hai ??? jab Dia chup ho jati hai...uski chuppi ko "Yes" smjha jata hai...very very conveniently...or agar darr jaye..toh aur daraya jata hai...apni bwi ko chod ke uske unkl uske unkl aayenge Dia se milne...to satiate his pervert desires...n Dia chup chap...darri sab kuch tolerate karti hai...

n so the sickening Wheel of Perverts and Sexually Hungry unkls...brothers...cuzns...fathers (in certain cases:o ) goes on n on...n it wont definitly stop until Dia finds the courage...to stand up for herslf...she will be questioned...not beleived at...initially...bt not froeva...coz there wud atleast be 1 among those who question who wud kno of the thng to be prevalent n wud realize her own self in Dia...

P.S. : i definitly need sme answers...wud b glad of all the help...n dont ask irrelevant questions like "y u wrote this 1"...n "has it...happnd to u??" ...the fact is...i have sme questions here for all those who indulge in sch practices and those who don't as well...i hav this sudden urge to look into their sick psychic minds...of wt exactly do guys really really think...

the danseuse

2008-01-26T14:13:00.001+05:30

Something that you cannot touch…but it touches you…something you can’t see…but something you can feel…something that gives you immense pleasure…real…that warms you…chills you…makes you cry…makes you smile…makes you Alive…? Gives you a reality…your reality…which despite being unreal makes you real…which calls out to you…at all times of the day…urging …tempting…threatening …scolding …begging …knowing…
“Come…come away with Me…just this once…won’t ask you to come again…I kno you need Me…I kno you want Me…I kno you want to come with Me…I don’t need you…I have many waiting for Me…but I m waiting for you…come…”
“I m inside you…I m outside you…I m all around you…I m You…we are one…no one can separate us…we are together forever…no one can ever come between us...”
“Come on…you think I will wait for you forever… am here just for the moment…will be gone before you can even breathe out…” “My love…take a look at the world…our world…through my eyes…the rain…calling out to us…the flowers smiling at us…the birds chirping at us…the sky waiting for us…the trees waving at us…the wind moving with us…the grass looking up to us…can you still ignore Me…my wait for you…your need for Me? Can you really?? Do you forget the time we had together…the laughter…the smiles…the tears…the cries? The pain… the sorrow…your promise to meet Me tomorrow?”
“It wasn’t easy to spend the night waiting for you…you kno I like you better than quite a lot of those people around you…you are better than many of those I have been with…n I kno we can achieve greater heights…with our love for each other…I kept of thinking of it all the whole night…and I kno you have been doing the same…dreaming of Me…dreaming of Us…is it not?? You kno you can’t lie to me…I kno you are thinking of Me all the time…even when you are engaged in doing some other things of your world…but you can’t be away from Me for long…can u now?? Come on …look at yourself…you are dying to be with Me…come…come away with Me”
His tempting…tantalizing words get to me…hypnotize me…beckon me to runaway…runaway with Him…I rise…n lose myself completely into it…into Him…forgetting the world in the ecstasy…of Him and me…the happiness…the joy…the celebration of love…between Him and me…the heartbreak…the death…the “birha” …the wait…for Him in me…the rain…the sun…the fields…the river…the hills…the animals…the fog…the mist…the intense cold…n just Him and me…the crowds absent…n just Him and me…His inspiration…and Him in me…within me…my Heart…my Blood…my Veins…my Eyes…my Soul…my Love…my Life…
I kno that You will not leave me…forsake my need for You…You will come to me when I need You…n when You want me…You know I will be waiting…waiting for You…waiting for Us…You…my Master…my Dance…me Your slave…Your Danseuse...

the mind reader

2008-01-24T01:13:00.000+05:30

Is there something… or rather someone known as the mind reader?? The whole concept itself sounds a bit eerie….doesn’t it??? And why not?? Each one of us have skeletons in our cupboards… don’t we?? How would you like to be stripped naked before one and all… ok… chalo let’s forget everybody else… even a single person… Just imagine..!!! (Jab We Met effect ). It does sound funny when you are an audience…not when you are the performer… and that too…a reluctant one…and specially… the unprepared one… all your secrets…that u would rather die than reveal… all out in the open…like the bloody entrails of a pig…pulled out… now why the hell did I choose a pig for an example?? Why the HELL?? Well…chuck it… how do I bother??!!

Anyways… you with me…right??? So where was I… oooooooo yea…so… people…a mind reader on the loose… what do you have to say for it?? Stop looking for places to hide… cause he will get you anywhere you are… he’s not only a mind reader but also a human detector… who follows Dr. Sadana’s laughter therapy… always invents a new one liner for every victim…that’s his specialty ( yes… his kind specializes as well…!! All the more cause for concern…!!! ) the one liner’s, howmuchever pathetic are soooooooo irresistibly laughter initiators… that you cannot help but laugh at them… and there u are..!! He finds you….within seconds...even before you can blink your eyes…!! How is it possible you say?? Well… you have to see it to believe it…

So anyways… he finds you… and then … you look around helplessly… wordlessly mouthing for “HELP” that never comes… he starts talking… nothing more than the usual stuff… “Hi…wsp?? Howwz evrythn goin??” and there… he sets the trap for you… how you answer… what you answer… the manner in which you answer (with or without darting eyes… sweating hands… wistful look…) whatever, however you do it… he’ll b looking…analyzing… his mind would be whirring with all the possibilities that your behavior could offer to him… picking out the one that is the correct…or rather the more appropriate, to be exact… because you kno… mind is a strangely magnanimous creation of God… overpowered by none but… the faithful…honest… innocent…emotional…yet strong…HEART… (The POWER is YOURS…! sorry couldn’t resist that one...! :P) so how can a mere mortal obtain precise details of something that sacred??
You still with me na?? Beginning with the aforementioned line again…how can a mere mortal obtain soooooooo many intricate details of some things that have eluded whole generations of scientists and the like… all over the world????!!!! Well you’ll have to contact the person in question for the answers… but we can sure try and find something by the very old….tried and tested formula of HIT and TRIAL method (yes the very same one by which we were supposed to calculate all those absurd chemical formulae…) so…

No. 1- is he also a very sensitive person?? Well he has to be… otherwise how can he be sensitive towards all the various human emotions and feelings…??

No 2- has he undergone some incident in the past??? Something traumatic or something that left a huge impression on his mind (which is in fact like a sponge...the mind i.e.)…maybe…because there are some things in life that shock you into changing as a person…for the better or for the worse…depending on the circumstances…they also force into you certain abilities…qualities if u say it…that of identifying disaster from a mile away…of calming down as a person… of becoming carefree n hassle free…of taking out more from every minute of life that you have to yourself…of bonding with everyone…or Reading Minds…

No.3- did he hone those skills within him over the years… for his own personal benefit… to protect himself from falling into a trap?? (Any kinda trap…now don’t bug me for silly reasons…!)… Could be definitely the answer…because there’s always the human tendency of FRIGHT,FLIGHT and FIGHT… where the adverse situations that we face determine our reaction…which becomes a part of us…a habit…

No.4- did he really… n I mean… really really ask for it?? Who knows??

So…my dear mind reader… I tried reading your mind… but perhaps…as I said…special abilities for each…Reading for 1…and Writing for the other…isn’t it…??? By the by…dear Mr. Mind Reader…don’t take an offence of whatever I said…or rather wrote about you…for the rest of you…this particular specimen here (don’t know about the rest of the breed…) is not a detached Reader (like the nature of his ability makes him out to be…)… in fact he’s as I mentioned earlier…sensitive towards the feelings of the “chosen ones” (i.e. his victims) and, unlike what he seems to b, he’s definitely the caring kind…and he’s the total hardcore Metro kinda guy…with the Christ and the Judas….rolled in2 one...now you say..What’s new in that?? I’ll tell u what… he has both in him…but is not ashamed to admit the presence of either in him…whichever takes precedence…he carries off his part with aplomb…n pride, which in fact is rare….very very rare…:) he’s not afraid of anything (leaving aside a few other matters)… he is Jonathan Livingston Seagull…trying and testing everything that the world has to offer to him…hunting for more adventures in life… “Life is too short to live…” he says… trying to master things more than his Reading capabilities…restricting himself with nothing but perfection…but as someone said “perfection ko maat dena thoda difficult hai...” (Wasn’t it Aamir Khan of Dil Chahta Hai?? Or rather…Aakash...?)…isn’t it …Mr. Mind Reader…??!! Hmmm….??

dad n me

2007-10-13T12:05:00.000+05:30

Dad n me… it’ll be 10 yrs on 7th of jan nxt yr…I don’t realize nw.. the time has flown…and how…since the date in 1998… I don’t thnk I will evr forgt the day it happnd… nor the belief tht I still cherish in my heart…one of the 2 constnt dreams tht I keep havin ( the othr 1 being tht of a tiger,lion or a leopard…evn a lioness…strolling along on my house grounds…I woner y..????!!! ) tht of my dad cumin bak “from the dead” like u say it…n alwyz sayin thngs like “ arey..i had gone on sme secret service mission…under cover agent…cudnt reveal my whereabouts….srry my darling” ( thts hw he used to refer to me…… )…. Blame it on the innumerable ekta kapoor soaps…!! Bt well...thts the way I feel…the 1 dream..out of the soooo many tht I hav had…one dream is da most…I wud say..emotionally reavealing for me or about me….jst a few days aftr my FAREWELL PARTY in 2005…thts the 1st time most..or shud I say..all da grls wear there 1st saree …a landmark in the life of a grl…I thnk…I dreamt …tht my dad had retrned …again…from one of those missions…n I jst said 1 thng to him.."kaaash aap thoda pehle aa gaye hotey….apne mera FAREWELL miss kar diya” … thts wen I realizd hw significant he wud b in all dose spcl occasions of my life…( or shud I say “our” lives…for mum n my sis as well…) by his constnt absence…

Being a leo,perhaps, my pride is evrythng to me..i cannot n will not tolerate nybdy havin pity for me in ny way… I hate…absolutely HATE ppl who wud like to refer to me as “bechari”…for God’s sake…. I m nt an orphan.. I hav my mom…n a very capable 1 at tht…coz she has done for my sis n me…wt is very difficult for others…in da sme position…she cud hav remarried n made her life easier…bt she chose to fulfill da responsibilities alone…smthng tht she has been doing since the day she ws born…n I guess its ‘bout time I bailed her out of it…bt gttn bak to my purpose at presnt…

My dad used to pamper me a lot…as they say…daughters are to a dad..jst like sons are to their moms…I still rem da “PRECIOUS DAUGHTER” card tht he sent me wen he ws in del at the time of my b’day… my dad was gr8 at clickin pics…n I proudly admit tht I ws his 1st muse…the 2nd one being my younger sis..wen she ws born…there r sooooooooooo many of my pics…sme taken aftr spclly gettn me ready…like one in wch I m in my 1st lehnga…posing away happily for my dad…den 1 in wch my dad n me played hide n seek…dad clicked me wen I came lookn for him…sleepin eatin dancing crying laughng…wteva I did..he had to click it…n I m glad he did…the letters he sent me tryin to explain his absences wen he had shiftd to del for a short while…costntly askin me to stdy hard “ coz u hav to beat Tuhina” he used to say…lolzz…very competitive…alwyz makin me stdy hard so tht I cud beat Tuhina and Ankita….God knos where they r rite nw…!! bt the 1 thng he nvr let me do ws hav toooo many chocos n ice cream… “ daaton mei keede lag jayenge!!” he used to stay… n nvr let me go for nite outs…overly protctive…. I miss all tht…. I really do…there’s no1 nw…to do all tht…n I m all alone nw… I m tryin my best to cope wid it dad…n I thnk I m learning hw to do it in a bttr way nw… bt I still do miss sm1 who wud b their…wid unconditional n unquestioning support…sm1 whom I cud trust myslf to alwyz fall bak on..weneva it gets too tough…or simply..weneva m tired…

I wonder wt he wud say if saw my presnt lifestyle..i wud like to introduce him to all my frnds…Rohit…coz he shares my dad’s passion of bikes n bike rallies (n thts the least of the reasons y I call Rohit my dad) …n I nly jst came to kno of their joint interst in the HIMALAYN BIKER’S RALLY… I wud giv nythng to kno wt my dad wud say of him…wt he wud say of the thngs I hav landed myslf in…coz of my own misjdgemnts…though I hav learnt loads from the experience…

I kno dt LIFE IS TO LIV IN DA PRESNT… bt kya karey…dil hi toh hai…n I hav nvr learnt to tke decisions from my mind …evr…coz thts exactly wt my dad did…N aftr all I m my Papa’s daughter…m I nt ?? ppl say I resemble my mom…they say tht I hav the habits of my bua… bt the one thng I m proud of is my “Teda tooth” coz thts smthng tht dad had too… usually kids don’t like being compared to their parents..bt I wud luvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv it if sm1 said tht I say or write or drive or click pics like my dad… I long for sm1 to say it in fact…I m proud wen ny1 says tht I m my dad’s daughter…there was a time…rite aftr the aforementioned date…wen I startd feeling ashamed..tht my dad ws dead….to admit to ny1..again coz I dint want to hurt my pride…I dint want sympathy from ny1…it ws a longgggg time..b4 I cud accept tht I had been accptd…coz evn though I nvr admittd tht my dad ws dead…evry1 knew it at skool…n I still wud nvr admit it…the 1st time I admittd da fact ws probably in 12th… but its oki nw…I guess…wen its bout to b 10 yrs… Jst 10 yrs n life has chnged soooooooo mch for me….wonder wt it wud b like aftr 20…

There are times wen I feel guilty..n I find tht its nly naturl to feel tht way..n like I hav not committed a GR8 crime by havin done wt I did in da past…I feel guilty for havin done smthngs to mke my father angry…of hurting him at times… n I feel soooooo vry helpless wen I m unable to say SRRY to him…mayb thts y I hav taken to saying “srry” n “thnk u” at evry possible occasion to the point of becmng irritating for frnds…who like to abide by the MAINE PYAAR KIYA rule.. “frndship mein no srry no thnk u..” … :P .. I thnk I will ask thm to read this….so they can tolerate my srry’s n thnk u’s …or mayb nt…coz they mite end up thnkng I m aftr all a grrly grl…alwyz teary eyed…n missin my dad…of course I do miss my dad…bt nt evrytime of the day…(its amazing hw the problems of ur day to day life can put a lot of ur thots to the backseat…). Life has nevr stoppd for ny1…it nevr does..n it nvr will… bt by sayin all this..i jst wanna say tht.. “ I miss u Papa..n no matter hw many ppl enter my life…n u kno wt m talkin ‘bout…u’ll b the 1 I wud alwyz long to b wid..n although u hav left a lot of queries burning widin me…unanswered questions…unravelld mysteries…I will nvr begrudge u……coz u hav left me wid….LIFE…luv u Papa…”

Yours lovingly,
Sonya :) Dated: 13 October 2007
Time: 11.54 am

happiness

2007-06-22T15:47:00.000+05:30

I M BAK..........wid a VENGEANCE....... :P...here i m ppl....wid smthng happier to write bout.....for instance ...the air i breathe in....the rain i dance in...the wind i fly in...(nt litrally.....as if u all believd tht.. ;) ) ...the frnds i fight wid...( makin up is only tooo easy.........sheeeeshhhhh.....).....the night sky full of stars tht i look upto........dropping my mum off at her office...the way my dad used to ....my sis trning more so into a grl wid each passing day...( she ws a tomboy b4.......wt u thot?? )....n u mite nt beleiv it ....bt learning hw to cook....i make roti n rice evryday nw.....n quite nicely too....in fct i learnt hw to cook chickn....n lemme thnk....is there nythng else yet..........naaaaaah....nt yet....nywyz i do hope it happns soon...tht wud b my di's LONGGGGG AWAITD WEDDINGGGGG............GOD......ab toh unki shaadi karado....

nywyz......all tht n more........hav made me realize...happiness is smthng tht is bouncing all round u in abundance jst waiting for u to take a glance at it....hapiness is in the smile ......tht foolish smile on ur face wen u r driving like an ass in da heavy drizzle,wen ppl r lookin at u thnkin tht u r crazy.......happiness is in the litttl srprises tht u giv to ppl round u.... like droppin in on thm on a weekday rainy morning....suddnly out of the blue.....get ur 2 wheelr stuck in the mud on the way.....n run out of petrol.....n still feel proud of ur decision....jst to c tht smile on the person's face.......

u dnt evn hav to do all tht ...... jst listn to a toddler telling the most importnt thng in his gobbledyggooook ...... or a duck family crossing the road wid the whole traffic waiting for thm.....

n smthng i jst realizd while writing this....happiness is in smthng tht u do for othrs.....the immense sense of goodness tht spreads withn u like warmth.....wen sm1 else is happy....regardless of the fact tht u had a part in it or nt......THT is wt makes US HAPPY........truly.......wll tht is wt i thnk nywy.....if u hav sme othr ideas...tell me.....wont u???