An American Mom in Tuscany: Jordan's Cochlear Implant Story

Adventures in Advocacy: Rome by Motorscooter

2012-01-21T08:53:00.002-05:00

I was born, as my family likes to say..."Scared of my own shadow."
Once upon a time when I was about 10 years old, I had a blue Huffy Charlie's Angels bike- my first and last bike. At about 10 years of age, I shot up and have always felt strange on the seat of a bike. I avoid two wheels, always.
In Italy, on the other hand, most people are born to ride a motorscooter. They can drive one at 14 years of age, so they're everywhere and I must say, extremely convenient.
I had an appointment with an attorney in Rome who last year, represented a Deaf woman who refused to pay her television bill, citing that she is Deaf and her favorite television program was not closed-captioned.
The Italian forum had requested that we get involved in some way to either improve captioning access or reduce the rate of the television bill because that access was limited. I had contacted the attorney who gave me an appointment in Rome to discuss a possible collaboration. Corrado, a member of the forum who lives in Rome sent me an email via fb asking me if I needed a personal driver while in Rome. I said, "Ok!"
He showed up on a motorscooter:-)
Never, in my life had I ever been on the back of a scooter. But I had to make it to the appointment.
He whipped out the helmet. I put it on, threw my bag in the back and hopped (sounds cooler to say it that way) on the back of the scooter.
As I was in apnea for the first five minutes, I grip-locked the side of the scooter and Corrado's jacket. I had one of those surreal moments where I couldn't stop smiling, because NEVER would I ever have imagined to be whipping through Rome on the back of a scooter.
Amazing experience:-)
In any case, the result of the meeting with the attorney was that the RAI- the state-owned Italian television company actually has a technical commission that includes associations representing the Deaf Community. They have improved their closed-captioning service and have vowed to bring the percentage of closed-captioned programming to 70%. The problem is that the captioning is oftentimes not a reflection of the actual audio and the level of the Italian is many times lacking.
If anyone has any ideas as to how I can motivate an improvement regarding captioning, please leave a comment.
Thank you:-)

THE Espresso

2012-01-16T16:14:00.000-05:00

I went to Naples for a meeting to organize pediatric courses.
75,000 babies are born in the region of Campania every year.
I stopped in Gambrinus for what everyone said was the best coffee in the world.
I stood in front of the counter and waited for that famous cup of coffee.
You know those scenes where the spotlight is on a person and despite the 50 people surrounding that person only that bubble exists?
I was in the bubble.
The man behind the bar placed the cup of espresso on the counter.
I picked it up and almost dropped it directly on the floor.
I barely managed to place it back on the saucer.
They serve espresso in burning hot cups.
I waited a minute.
Then, I drank the espresso.
Amazing.

One of those carpe diem things.
One of those memories you make, that you keep.

Mary Janes and Big Girl Dresses...by Anna

2012-01-10T15:13:00.000-05:00

It's kind of like trying a new dress on, not THE dress that you have been dreaming of for a long time, looking through a shop window, nor one of those types of dresses that you've given two thoughts to wearing..just a "new dress".

You try it on, then you look in the mirror to see how it fits.
You kind of like it, then again you don't.
You look at yourself again, and you think about it again...

Deep down inside, you know that at a certain moment you may even appreciate it, you might just like it in the end; you may even have the impression that it's a good fit for you.

Time is the great manipulator of all those situations that we flat out don't like, don't accept...that we fear, in the beginning.

Time encourages us to change our ideas a little bit, or, simply, it gives us the opportunity to perceive situations from another point of view.

Alas, there is no ONE way of looking at things...that ONE way, at the very beginning was a defiant, "I WILL NOT, CANNOT CHANGE". Which translated meant, "I DON'T WANT THE CHANGE".

I sit here waiting for more time to pass, and in the meantime, I wear my "new dress"...I feel it, I observe it and live it.

E' come provare ad indossare un abito nuovo, non uno di quelli che per tempo hai sognato attraverso una vetrina, non uno di quelli che hai sempre desiderato...solo un abito nuovo...e allora provi ad indossarlo, poi vedi come ti sta, un po' ti convince, un po' no, ma poi ti riguardi, ci ripensi...e dentro di te sai che ad un certo punto ti ci ritroverai, forse ti piacerà anche, forse alla fine avrai l'impressione che ha proprio la vestibilità che fa per te...il tempo ci convince di molte situazioni che all'inizio non ci piacciono, non le vogliamo, ne abbiamo paura...il tempo un po' ci fa cambiare idea o semplicemente ci mostra le "cose" sotto altri aspetti...non abbiamo più un unico punto di vista che è poi quello che all'inizio ci fa dire "cambiare? no,no...io non ce la posso fare, non voglio".
Io aspetto il trascorrere del mio tempo e intanto questo "abito nuovo" lo provo, lo guardo, lo vivo.

Wool Socks and a Messy House Kind of Love

2012-01-07T14:09:00.000-05:00

Today I took a walk alone in the center of Grosseto.
I people-watched and had an espresso.
I breathed in a little of that fresh winter air and for the first time felt a part of the whole Italian thing.
Three years ago, I woke up in the middle of the center of Grosseto and thought, "What the hell am I doing here?"
And now, I know.

For now.
The beauty of "for now" is that it is not necessarily "forever".
But it can still be a happily ever after.

Jordan is starting a new school on Monday. His teachers and the school administration have helped us to be able to make the smoothest transition possible.
People who read this blog helped me to help my son.
Now, it's up to Jordan.
He's tall and wears a size 13 shoe.
It's time for him to flex his brain.

Yesterday, a surprise article popped up in an audiology online journal. A journalist had written a story about our forum and how there is a place for support online in Italy. Last week the forum joined forces with an initiative to offer support to a school for the Deaf with habilitation resources in the Congo. We will be sending hearing aids to the people responsible for managing the school. Today an article came out in Italy about a woman who is taking legal action to not pay her television bill, because the programs are not close-captioned. I contacted the lawyer responsible...maybe we can help.

Yep, tomorrow this nice, Jewish girl from Pikesville will take down her Christmas tree in Tuscany.

Never
say
never.

Happy New Year!!! 2012...Sounds Good:-)

2011-12-31T12:34:00.000-05:00

Today I took 40 minutes and went to the beach.
Just me, sunshine, the sea and my boots stuck right in the sand.

I sat, stared and gave thanks.
I breathed in the fresh air and exhaled.

Sofia Madyson was born 9 years ago today.
Yesterday over a cup of hot chocolate and a brownie, she said, "Mommy, go ahead and tell me your most intimate secrets!"

I do believe my mouth dropped.
I replied, "Drink your hot chocolate, Sofia".

Sofia received a lotttttttttttt of presents for her birthday, but when she woke up this morning she asked if I had made her a card.
I said, "No".
And felt like the worst Mamma in the world.

So, today after the beach I went to the mall (there's now one in Grosseto) and bought her a book. On the inside flap I wrote her a long letter.

And I shared my first intimate secret with my 9 year old daughter.
I told her about the time I got in trouble for kissing a boy on the cheek during a game of "Truth or Dare" when I was 9 years old. We had to eat the rest of our lunch at the "punishment table".

I hid the book under her pillow, so before she goes to bed she will find her last birthday surprise.

Happy New Year to all...I hope it brings more love, Newborn Hearing Screening in Italy, passion and an infinite amount of "Wow...that's amazing!"

Sometimes the things we can't change, end up changing us

2011-12-30T06:04:00.001-05:00

2011 has come to an end.
2012 is about to begin.
I am having an emotional breakdown.
No idea why, but the tears just will not stop streaming.
I have the sensation that I have just completed an enormous project and that what is staring me in the face is five times bigger.
To not become completely overwhelmed, I look to the simple, the easy, the beautiful.

My kids.

Sofia will be 9 tomorrow and she amazes me every single day.
Jordan is 15 and we fight at least once a day.

We are building something together and maybe one day we'll be able to sit down together and discover what exactly that is...together. I imagine they'll reach that age where they see me as a person and not a mom and hope that while they yell and complain that I was on the computer too much, they'll smile as they remember a neighborhood watergun fight at midnight on a hot summer night.

Have you ever been totally conscious of every single step you take as you are climbing a staircase- because you're afraid you'll trip and fall and break an ankle?

Try smiling and looking the person coming down the staircase in the eyes, noticing the color of the painted walls, clenching tightly your children's hands so they don't fall as you climb and planning your day as you are being totally conscious of every single step you take....and not pass out when you reach the top.

And if you do reach the top without passing out, you just may cry.
As you realize that another flight of stairs awaits you.

2012

I think it sounds kind of important.
*Smile*

The Hollow Christmas Tree with the Angel on Top

2011-12-22T09:04:00.000-05:00

Christmas is so very strange this year.
Something is missing in all the festive cheer.

Perhaps the times require that we dig a little deeper....
Past the lights, the balls, the texts and the you've got mail beeper.

I believe that people have realized that they will never have enough...
and that video games, ipads and name brands are really just a bunch of materialistic stuff.

I cannot be the only woman that feels Christmas is empty this year,
Even when listening to Michael Buble, there is an echo of fear.

Christmas may ring hollow, but people are more aware...
United by a common sense of despair.

This year, the simple things have been a lot easier to see,
Just like the angel smiling down from the top of the Christmas tree.

-Cookies by Debbi:-)

Chinese Bamboo

2011-12-20T12:35:00.000-05:00

I joined The Emotional Intelligence Network on Linkedin and this was the question asked: Which emotions would motivate a person to overcome obstacles to achieve a challenging goal that is outside their comfort zone?

Hmm.
An article just came out in the Italian equivalent of the New York Times: Corriere della Sera about the work we've been doing. This is the second article drawing attention to the need for a National Newborn Hearing Screening mandate in Italy.

Four years ago the healing process began. Three years ago, we began working. It was all about riding the wave- couldn't stop if I tried- a series of coincidences motivated every action and reaction. Sometimes life happens to us, and we don't ask for the journey, we just walk it. There are potholes, mountains, sewers, tidal waves and storms to overcome, but when you focus on the light...you see only that light. And God is good, because every now and then you find a fresh-water spring in your path.

Jordan was born deaf.
I stayed at home with him for eleven years and taught English lessons on the side.
I had a wonderful husband and a perfect family.
He had the surgery for the cochlear implant.
Our lives changed.
We grew and realized that we had to share our experience.
My husband and I grew apart and then came together in a different way.
Obstacles to overcome involved public speaking, media interviews, exposing raw wounds.
The sharing required creating and using a voice that I had to discover and mature.
I still have a lot to learn and so many obstacles to overcome.

My answer is love.
Love is the one emotion that will motivate you to overcome any obstacle in your path.

The ENS- NAD equivalent, that has been battling to have Italian sign language recognized as the "Language of the Deaf" contacted one of the researchers quoted in the article. They would like to open a dialogue to see how they may be incorporated in our projects. Three years ago when I contacted them to request their assistance on these projects we were creating, they never replied.

Change and evolution are never easy processes. I'm reading the new Paulo Coelho book, Aleph and in his second chapter he explains that chinese bamboo grows in a very unique way. A tiny shoot grows shortly after a seed is sown and remains the same size for five years. During that time, this tiny shoot grows a complex root system that goes deep into the earth to support the shoot later in life. Suddenly, almost magically, five years later, it shoots up 25 meters at once!

Miracles do occur:-)
Believe.

Cochlear Implants and Music Appreciation - Video

2011-12-16T07:29:00.002-05:00

"Great lecture from Dr. Charles Limb, a cochlear implant surgeon, who spoke at a TED conference."
Posted By Prof. Todd Houston

Life in a Cup of Coffee

2011-12-12T08:54:00.000-05:00

Order a cup of coffee.
Refuse the sugar.
Refuse the artificial sweetener.
Drink it just the way it is supposed to be and taste the bitter.
Feel your mouth automatically crinkle up.
And smile
at
yourself.

Taste life in all of its many flavours.

I Must Know..

2011-12-10T11:46:00.000-05:00

When troubles cloud the way and block your vision with walls, stop and look around.
Consciously make the effort to notice the weather, a yellow leaf, two birds flying the same pattern side by side.

If you take the time to look at the people around you, you can usually separate them into two categories: dead eyes and bright eyes.

The bright eyes fascinate me. The heart behind those eyes beats quicker than the average, the mind works faster and curiosity overcomes me.

For a long, long time I was completely unaware of life evolving around me.

Everyone has a story to tell.
When I find those bright eyes, I stop and ask the person to share their life with me.

And strangely....for a brief moment in time, they do.

When you're a child, you share your pbandj sandwich.
When you're an adolescent, you share your ipod.
When you're an adult, you share yourself.

The Day the Bully Ate Dirt

2011-12-08T12:48:00.000-05:00

I've been debating about whether or not to blog this, because...well, my mom reads my blog and I'll get the worried Grandma phonecall.
But...
I'm a big girl, so here it goes..

A bully has been messing with Jordan for two years at the bus stop.
When your son is in high school, it becomes a little more difficult to deal with bullies, because:
1. I can't call the bully's mommy;
and
2. I can't show up at the bus stop to defend my son.

The first year, Jordan would come home tired and if the bully had annoyed him, stressed.
This year, there have been less episodes, but the bully was still around.

Yesterday, Jordan came home from school and went straight to bed. I followed him and found him on his bed. He wouldn't look at me. The night before we had had a fight that lasted to the morning before he left for school, so at first I figured he was still mad, then I realized it was something else.

I tried to ask him to talk to me, but he told me to leave him alone.
I didn't. I just sat there.
After twenty-five minutes, he told me that he got into a fight with the bully.

After another hour I managed to get the whole story:
The bully put a pack of cigarettes in Jordan's knapsack. Jordan took out the cigarettes and threw them in the bully's face. The bully kicked Jordan's knapsack.

Jordan turned around, grabbed the bully and threw him on the ground. From what I understand, there were three rounds and in the end Jordan's friend separated them, Jordan got on the bus and came home.

He told me he didn't start it and he didn't punch him in the face. He told me that he was still upset about our fight and that he had reached his limit.

He looked at me waiting for my reply.

I looked at him and said, "I'm sorry that our fight caused you to reach your limit. And you know I am not violent and I don't condone violence. But
GOOD
FOR
YOU!"

There comes a point in all of our lives when we reach a limit and we are forced to defend ourselves.
Bullies beware of a deaf child wearing a cochlear implant who will take no more shit.

The Italian Shade of Grey

2011-12-06T09:54:00.001-05:00

“Everything tells me that I am about to make a wrong decision, but making mistakes is just part of life. What does the world want of me? Does it want me to take no risks, to go back to where I came from because I didn't have the courage to say "yes" to life?”

― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

Busy, the theme of the period is completely and totally busy.
And for some reason, when people meet me they see me as a priest and proceed to confess.
I went to a shop last week to buy a pack of gum.
I smiled at the guy behind the counter: balding, 65 years old, yellow teeth.
He looks at me and says, "It's a really bad period."
I asked, "Why?"
He said, "Yesterday morning my woman of ten years left me."
I said, "Oh, I'm really sorry."
He said, "Then, my friend of five years left me in the afternoon."
I hesitated, uncertain, and asked, "So, you had two women?"
He replied, "Yes."
I looked at him and said, "Poor man."

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

― Paulo Coelho

Then, I was coming back from Parma on the train two days ago.
I tend to meet interesting people on the train.
I was reading the new Paulo Coelho book, "Aleph".
The man across the aisle said, "Excuse me, Miss. Who recommended that book to you? It's for intelligent people, not young ladies."
*Smile*
I looked at him, kind of shocked, yet curious at the same time. He was about 76 years old, bald, wearing a non-matching sweatsuit, yellow teeth.
Ok. I'll admit it. Curiosity got the best of me- if he thinks it takes an intelligent person to read a Paulo Coelho book, then he must be intelligent and he must have a story to tell.
And when you read a Paulo Coelho book, it's all about the journey and who you meet on that journey.
So...
I got up, crossed the aisle, sat down across from him and said, "Okay, tell me your life story."

So, he did.
He spoke for one hour and 40 minutes about his life, his father who was a CEO of Exxon, the tire company he created himself in Genova, his two kids- one of whom is some important financial person in Italy, his three airplanes, his three wives- the first one who left him for an American sculptor is 65 years old and on her 65th boyfriend - and all of his mistresses throughout the years because he was never a saint. At one point he looked at me, told me his second wife- the neuro-physicist once asked him to go to the wine cellar to fetch a bottle of wine for dinner; he didn't like being ordered around, so he left her.

As the train reached his destination, he looked at me with a sparkle in his 76 year old eye and asked me, "So, do you think we can meet again? One thing could lead to another and you never know..."

I wished him luck and told him he was too young for me:-)

Give me strength.

“The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter.”

― Paulo Coelho, Veronika Decides to Die

The Children's Table

2011-11-26T12:01:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, I sat at the Children's Table for Thanksgiving Dinner.
That experience lasted 14 years.
Apparently, I then became a grown up.
So, I graduated to the Adult Table.

Yep, just passed another Thanksgiving spent in Italy eating pizza.
I didn't write a What I'm Thankful For post this year, because I am smack in the middle of a moment where I have everything to be thankful for.
My kids are happy, healthy and growing; family and friends the same.
Basically, it's one of those terrifying moments when you feel completely fragile because you are so very thankful, and utterly conscious of the fact that such serenity can change in a blink.

I've met some interesting people over the past couple of months. I believe there is truth in the idea that people are a reflection of who we are as individuals in that each person has the ability to bring out parts of us that we never knew we had. Those may be good parts or bad parts. The important thing is to reach a level of consciousness in order to quickly understand if it's the bad parts. There is great truth in the statement: The best way to truly know a person is to see how they behave when they are totally free to choose. (F.V.)

And if you should be that person totally free to choose, you may one day be lucky enough to learn to know yourself.

Things were so much simpler at the Children's Table.

The American Way

2011-11-21T14:27:00.000-05:00

I sent Professor Betty Vohr an email after having received her name from Janet Des Georges, and she replied with resources in 8 minutes flat.
I'm floored.
I don't believe I shared the latest piece of information on this blog, I think I wrote it on the Italian one a month ago.
The Italian Society of Neonatology has just formed a Project to Promote Newborn Hearing Screening in Italy. I happened to be at the Congress when that team was formed and just happened to wheedle my way onto the team:-)
I know absolutely nothing about neonatology, so I asked my American network for assistance.
And they have come through once again.
For now the Neonatologists are starting the project by researching how many birthing hospitals in Italy actually perform the screening and if they do not perform the screening, why not?

I'm starting over from the very beginning.
Stay tuned....
*Smile*

PS. Yet another region of Italy- Calabria - just passed the screening at a regional level also thanks to the work of our Pediatric representative. Love that!!!

Pause

2011-11-20T11:58:00.000-05:00

I'm eating a heart-shaped lemon lolly-pop and contemplating.
Actually, I'm not.
*Smile*
I'm taking the moment, to appreciate this particular second in time when I'm barefoot in bed, wearing my x-box pajama pants and not thinking, stressing, reflecting, wondering, sweating over, about or in regard to anything.
I just plain am.

My car is clean, my lawn is mowed, my dog isn't barking at the cat, my kids are with their dad and the world is silent except for my fingers clicking the keyboard.
Simply incredible.

Reflections of a 40 Year Old Woman

2011-11-16T13:53:00.000-05:00

The difference between everything before forty and forty is all about awareness.

I dropped Sofia at school, had breakfast with my friend and then sat outside with her on the bench overlooking the Medieval walls. We've been doing this the past 9 years, first with Jordan and her son and now after dropping off Sofia and her daughter. She's lived the past four years of chaos with me.

She looked at me and said, "I remember when you were fat, wore grandma underpants and sang The Color Song at the preschool. Now look at you. I think you can be proud of the progress you've made and how you've made it."

We sighed together.

Sometimes we have no control over the roads we must take. We are given a situation out of our control, and we have to react. Other times, we have the power to choose. Yet that power and need to make a choice, sometimes causes more suffering than when you do not have an opportunity to make the choice.

Life is complicated. But it's livable.

At forty, life changes from physical to mental.
That doesn't mean that the physical isn't there, it just means that if you take my high school Powder Puff football team from 1989 and place them across the line from the class of 2011............we'll kick their asses.
Not because we're faster or stronger physically, but because we don't try for a first down, we can only see a touchdown- and life has taught us the quickest way to score.

Our objectives for life become larger, the picture becomes clearer.
Instead of trying to barrel our way towards the touchdown using brute force, the game becomes about which strategy to use.

In all aspects of life, in all relationships.

I am aware, I am blessed, I am 40 years old.

And I'm spending my birthday with Luca, Jordan and Sofia. Once a family, always a family.

For Tea

2011-11-13T08:10:00.000-05:00

T-3

Two nights ago Jordan sat in bed with Sofia and me. He gave me a hug and said, "I'll have to work harder, won't I?"
I said, "You don't have to change schools, the choice is yours. But yes, you will have to work harder."
He replied, "I'm ready for a new beginning."

Amen.

Last night driving home after seeing a movie with Jordan, I said, "I feel old."
Jordan said, "Mom, you're not old until you're forty."
I looked at him.
He looked at me and grinned.

Shit.

40 or Bust

2011-11-11T12:04:00.000-05:00

T minus 5.

Perhaps the first conciously intelligent concept I learned as a child growing up was that whatever shit I found myself in, no matter how deep the hole...I could always crawl to the light. I believed in the light, and I still do.

The difference is that I now have a posse.
After years of baring my soul, sharing my mishaps, sorrows and adventures, I have a woman posse.

Perhaps the greatest, most important discovery at age 40 is screw men and give thanks to the women in your life that will cheer you on, heal you and love you...The most wonderful thing about 40 is that we realize that as women we all have our insecurities but that other things in life are more important, so we become a circle, and that circle is tight.

Between yesterday and today I've received five emails from women offering support after having read my blog. I have learned so much from the personal experiences they've shared.

Within the past three days I've had three new mothers reach the forum with babies under six months of age. These were not weepy mothers, they were I-will-kill-for-my-child-mothers. I read their comments and it all seems surreal- the moms from a year ago are the moms offering support...circle time. Mom posse stuff that happened here three years ago and that is now forming in Italy.
Light...something in our life before giving birth to our kids teaches us to have faith in the light. So we move forward.

Today I woke up and went straight to see the principal of the school where I'd like to see Jordan.
I asked them for help.
We were four women in a room.
They nodded their heads, smiled and understood the situation.
We have decided to transition him so that he has a better idea of how the new school may be different and whether or not he feels comfortable.
The school where he is now is structurally similar to a bunker.
His new school is wide, spacious and full of light.
We are moving forward.
Thank you so much for your letters...

40 is Hot

2011-11-10T08:35:00.000-05:00

I think that at age forty, brains meet sexuality and inhibitions leave the table.
I know men who are fifty and suddenly act like twenty year olds.
I love 40, twenty can kiss my ass.

But that just ain't on my mind today, because Jordan came home from school and said, "It's time to change schools. My classmates are violent and they don't understand me."

Shit.

In Italy there are many different types of high schools one can choose and the one we chose with Jordan is easy on academics. Because it's easy on the workload, the students are often the lost souls of middle school, not always, but often. There is definitely a some sensitivity lacking in his classroom.
While I would have insisted last year and I would have insisted that he not be SO immature with his classmates, I can't do that this year because he has grown. And I really like my son. He can be a pain in the ass, but what he's dealing with in his classroom is not totally his fault.

Which means I have to do something about it.
And I have to think. I know that he's mentally capable of a more significant workload, but he's lazy. So lazy.
The good news is that he wants to change.
We are a family that believes in change.
We are a family that has suffered, screamed and travelled through change.
What's one more trauma to overcome?

People have always helped us. Teachers have understood Jordan's needs.
But can we expect more from his peers?
Looks like we'll be getting information about a high school specializing in Artistic Studies. The students have to be more sensitive if they're Art Appreciating, right?

Ok. Changing schools can be a new and exciting adventure, course it could be a total disaster...
but at t minus 6 days to age 40....I'm thinkin' everything will work out just fine.
Because 40 is hot and my kids need to know that when there's a problem, Mamma will listen.

40 is beautiful week starts now

2011-11-09T12:21:00.000-05:00

Let the countdown begin.
T minus 7 days until I become four-oh.
Sofia came home from school with an A+ in Math and an A+ in Italian.
Jordan came home with an A in English and a D in Graphic Design.
Sofia excels in everything she does and smiles and giggles.
Jordan is a homebody and hugs me a lot.

I worry about Jordan. He's a boy and I do not have boy experiences, actually I'm quite a disaster at understanding all males. He's at that age where he probably would want to do a lot of things like go out Saturday night with friends or hang out with girls, but the complicated situation in his high school class is not giving him the opportunity to grow socially. I've asked him if he wants to change sections or even schools, but academically he feels comfortable, so he isn't willing to risk that sense of security to wade in unknown territory. I can't make that choice for him...yet. The best I can do right now is let him know I understand his situation and that I am ready to make the change when he is.

He comes home from school serene, which makes me think things aren't too bad, but if I compare my high school life to his, and I was no party animal...I had fun and he is not having fun.

40 allows you to take all the experience baggage you've lived and apply it to your kids.
At 40 you've learned the difference between yes and no, right and wrong, child and adult.
I used to want to be 21 forever.
But 40....40 seems to me like the first half of my life is over and I have a new starting line.
I get to take everything I've learned in the past forty years and use it as the woman I have become...to kick some ass for the next forty years.
I will say this: I don't care if there's a lil more jiggle in my ass or that gravity has taken effect after giving birth to two kids, because there's a helluva lot more strut in my step and a femininity in the way I cross my legs that 21 never imagined existed.

Stick Shift

2011-10-30T14:47:00.000-04:00

When you turn 40, do you suddenly become wise?
Do you break harmful patterns and smile more?
Do you love unconditionally and suffer free of charge?
If you've controlled everything your entire life, do you suddenly hand over the reigns?

Maybe you say WTF a few more times than you did before.
Maybe you pass on the nutella milkshake and run an extra lap.
Maybe you go to the cinema alone.

Maybe you're driving down the street with your kids when California Kingbed comes on the radio, and since you happen to love that song, you pump up the volume and scream the words with your daughter as your son calls you tone-deaf.

Perhaps you do something totally materialistic like buy a new car.

Perhaps the choices you make and the repercussions you never spoke about do not define you negatively, but serve to strengthen you as you continue down that road.

Once upon a time you had a child who couldn't hear or speak.
Once upon a time all American Presidents were white.
Once upon a time it never snowed in Baltimore in October.

I believe that 40 is beautiful.
And I believe in happily ever after 40.

Chivalry and Fair Maidens

2011-10-24T08:47:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time men used telephones to call women.
They didn't use facebook or text messages.
Men wrote love letters by snail mail and sent roses.
They prepared romantic dinners and lit candles.
At least the men I knew used to do this for the women they cared about.
Men haven't changed.
Women have changed and for some reason settle for the text message or the facebook email.

On Saturday I went to visit my girlfriend. Her grandfather is in the hospital. I went to say hi to her mom, who was in the room.
When I walked into the room, I saw my Gram and Pop.
I flashed back about eighteen years ago when my Pop was in the hospital, lying in bed, weak as my Gram fed him the hospital food. They were in their own world of tasteless soup, dry meat and warm water.
I observed the same scene and watched my friend's grandparents- I couldn't move.
Sixty-nine years together.
At a certain point she was having difficulty cutting the apple, so my friend's mom tried to take the knife out of her hand to cut the apple for her Dad. Her mom gripped that knife and stared down her daughter- I thought someone was going to lose a finger.
She finished cutting that apple for her husband and never once took her eyes off of him.

Define love.

Lazy Me

2011-10-16T13:50:00.000-04:00

Today is lazy Sunday.
I took the kids to breakfast, because I didn't begin the day as lazy me.
Jordan wore gloves in the car and a black hat- sunny and bout 68 degrees.
Sofia wore her stylin' new boots and her curls.

We got to our favorite breakfast place and found jack-o-lantern orange and green cookies half-dipped in chocolate, so we HAD to get some of those.
Jordan ordered three ham sandwiches and four plain schiaccias, a glass of warm milk and a peach iced-tea.
I had a marmelade croissant and a cappuccino.
I love breakfast with my kids...................I love driving to breakfast with my kids and fighting about gloves; I love when Sofia orders 10 ladyfinger cookies, 5 orange pumpkin cookies, 5 green pumpkin cookies and 10 chocolate dipped cookies- and I have to correct her order to the tune of , "AWWW, Mom!!!!"
It isn't Denny's, but it has a certain Tuscan-American single woman with two unique kids flair.
*Smile*

We finally finished.
Jumped in the car.
Made our way home- California King Bed was playing on the radio, so Sofia and I became Rhianna and Jordan turned off his processor.
As soon as we got home, I ran to the laundry room, took a look at the mountain-shook my head, climbed the stairs and dove into my bed with its leopard print winter comforter screaming my name....
and
haven't
moved
since.

Addio

2011-10-13T13:50:00.002-04:00

Growing pains happen when you least expect them.
Jordan comes home with a pimple on his chin.
Sofia looks at me and says, "Mom, I'm eight years old and you can't tell me what to do!"

When I was an adolescent, my mouth worked quicker than my mind. I never thought before I reacted, I would just react.
As an adult you don't do that.
As an adult, you have acquired the level of sensitivity and empathy that only one with a history of impulsivity can achieve.

There are phases, experiences, events that take you back to adolescent insecurities, though, and once again...the hand may be quicker than the brain.

You can quit smoking, but old habits die hard.
And some people...are quicker to leave than others.
Some people are more sensitive than others, and those are the very people that don't let you see that side too often...until it is too late.

So you keep the moments that made you smile, learn from the moments that caused you pain....keep loving and keep going