My Front Porch

The Worst Roller Coaster Ride of My Life

2013-03-04T11:29:00.002-08:00

I feel as if I've been on the worst roller coaster ride of my life. Since my children were born I've been working part-time. I returned to school in 2007 and everything seemed copacetic. However, I had an emotional crash two summers ago and took a break from school. I began working out, eating right. I wanted to get healthy both physically and mentally because it suddenly didn't make sense to continue with school if I was unhealthy in both areas. I believed, some how, I couldn't do it all at once. When I was in school, I focused on school and my health was put on the back burner.

My entire life has been that way. I found ways to escape and forgot about me.

After I began my new healthy life style, I thought I could take a full-time position at work (taking care of other people five days a week) and continue my new lifestyle. I took the plunge in July of 2012 and two weeks later my brother gave up on life and committed suicide. I heard he was feeling drained both physically and mentally so my new life change seemed ironic. However, working full-time with the emotional pain of losing my older brother has been the greatest challenge of my life. Two months ago I went to the hospital ready to commit myself for depression. I had a decision to make, call work and tell them I won't be in for a week or begin therapy sessions once a week. That evening I had an appointment with a local University to discuss a Bachelor degree program. Since then, my depression eased and my therapist thought full time school and work was too much for me. I decided to return to part-time and go to school full-time. I feel as if the roller coaster stopped and I've stepped onto safe ground. I worked out yesterday and today. I'm making better food choices and I quit smoking. The program I'm taking for my BA is in Family Life Education. The program, so far, is focused on healing ourselves. I believe I'm right where I need to be now and I just had to share it with you. With this in mind, I am going to come back here weekly (once again) and report my progress. Thank you for sharing my journey.

The Battle

2012-12-16T07:54:00.001-08:00

Eight days after my last post, my older brother left this world by his own hands. My first thought was selfish.

Why now? I was doing so well with my weight loss.

Mostly I was ANGRY at his choice that deeply effected his wife and three teenagers, then myself, my younger brother, my mom and dad and EVERYONE who loved him. I felt with all my heart, he would take it back if he could. Something took over my brother's mind and I began to think of his suffering which led to a deep sadness that I still feel. Tomorrow will be five months since we lost our dear Jim and just before Christmas, we are all suffering. Today, I have the courage to write and update my followers on what has been going on in my life.

The first few weeks after my brother's funeral I lost weight and I worked out because I wanted so bad to continue the battle. However, deep down, knowing the thirty years of emotional eating had come to a whole new level. Losing my brother to suicide has me upside down. I don't know when I will be able to commit again. I have gained only five pounds and I know if I don't get a hold of it, I will gain all I had lost, bringing me more sadness. I told my story to someone who said, "Do it for your brother." I cried immediately, Jim and I both struggled with weight our whole lives. I know he would be proud to see me lose weight but damn it!

The struggle is DEEPER now than ever before.

Part of my enthusiasm to lose weight came from my medication adjustments as I have shared before. I was diagnosed bi-polar and the new medication helped stable my emotions which led me to be able to make good choices without all the negative messages attached to eating. Now, with all the stress I have from working full time and losing my brother, I have not wanted to take the time to make sure I prepare healthy meals (and take care of myself). My brother probably suffered from bi-polar which would explain his good mood the weekend prior to the Tuesday morning he died. The feeling I have now is scary, since, I, too, have felt that kind of darkness in the past. However, I am here for a reason. I was diagnosed and put on proper medication for a reason. I am unsure where I would be if it weren't for this fact. A woman from my Bible Study said, "God prepared you, Terra." I could then see how He prepared me in other ways as well. SO....I MUST move forward and fight this battle Jim and I both suffered from and I will come out on top for both my brother and I.

I must. I have no other choice.

Making Time For Friends

2012-07-09T11:51:00.001-07:00

Over four years have passed since the movie Sex in the City came out at the theater and today I finally watched it. I sat with a cup of coffee this morning and turned the TV on and lucky me, the movie was just beginning. As I watched the movie I noticed I was crying quite often. Sure, I am in an emotional time of month for women but I do not want to avoid my feelings. I paid closer attention to when I was crying and it was always around the time when the women supported each other. I don't know the last time I gathered around a table or living room with a group of my girlfriends talking about life. To be honest, I don't think it has happened since I was 14 years old. What happened to my life? I married and two sons later I was sitting home on the telephone with my friends.

Exercising and losing weight is making me feel younger every day. I find these feelings make me want to hang out with my girlfriends more often. When we were teenagers, we gathered around and talked about boys, much like the ladies from Sex and the City. However, when the four women each found a man to love, minus Samantha who found the love of her life was herself, the movie ended with the girlfriends still together, hanging out, living happily ever after. What better way to end the movie?

So why do some of us live out our fairy tales without our girlfriends?

My mom came from a big family so friends did not seem so important. Though she did have friendly neighbors, she has lost contact with them after she moved out of the neighborhood. She regrets not having friends now that she is retired and not married. I have heard some women say their husbands are their best friends. Sure, I feel that way too but I firmly believe we need our girlfriends. I work in a retirement home full of women who have lost their husbands and I don't know what they would do without each other. They breath life into one another and they live well into their 90's. I decided to go full time recently. I work with six to seven women as well as the women I take care of. Along with being on my feet all day, which is good for my body, I get girl time for eight hours a day. I wonder if this is the reason I decided to go full time? Could girlfriend time be that important?

*4.6 pounds to go before I reach my number one goal! To see my goals, read My Story in the month of June:)

Flip The Switch!

2012-06-28T11:07:00.005-07:00

I've heard for years from the media to make healthier choices. For all of you who have listened and are tempted to say, "Du!" -I get it! I guess I needed to flip my own switch!

I wanted to talk a little more about why I finally flipped the switch to lose weight. My body had been painful, making me feel that I am much older than I am. Though I felt terrible, I still wasn't sold on the idea of losing weight. I began having spells of extreme fatigue and found out I am pre-diabetic. You would think all that would have made me flip the switch but it always seemed out of my reach. I wrote in my journal trying to find direction with my life and I made a list of goals I want to fulfill in my lifetime. I had to get honest with myself. One of the goals I listed was to see other parts of the world. Being overweight and out of shape makes traveling seem difficult. The pain of walking anywhere or doing any physical activity one may do on a vacation did not seem appealing. I realized I had to list another goal: address my health.

I had to make losing weight within my reach. I began to notice I wasn't eating a whole lot so I was maintaining my weight rather easily. However, the choices I made were bad. I kept fruits and veges out of the loop most of the time. I love veges and fruit but I was into a habit I had developed over a lifetime. I ate when I was hungry and I usually made an unhealthy choice.

What flipped the switch for me is when I realized a few different choices would change everything.

I found when I ate a high fiber, low fat diet with whole grain breads, fruits and veges, they were all being utilized in my body to burn fat. All I had to do is make a few changes. For instance, before eating a sandwich, I would add a cup of veges and end eating fruit if I was still hungry. Adding veges and fruit to my bread (plus changing to whole wheat) and protein diet have worked wonders in filling me up and helping me to lose weight. Then when I added 30 minutes of exercise every other day, I began to lose even more weight. Why haven't I understood this sooner? Perhaps I wasn't ready. I believe you have to be ready to lose weight and if you are like me, you have to make losing weight within reach.

*This week weighing in at a 23 pound weight loss

My Experience With Overeaters Anonymous

2012-06-25T08:07:00.001-07:00

There is an eating disorder called Orthorexia nervosa, a term used by Steven Bratman to characterize an obsession with a "pure" diet, where it interferes with a person's life.

When I attended Overeaters Anonymous I believed I had no control over certain foods. We read from the Alcoholics Anonymous big book and replaced alcohol with food. When we read the stories of the alcoholic's inability to refrain from alcohol, we understood when it came to food. At my first meeting, I asked what I needed to do. The group suggested a 3-0-1 plan to begin with, meaning, three meals a day with nothing in between, one day at a time. I went home and tried it and my new found "freedom" from food helped me find excitement and hope once again. When I returned the following week, one lady suggested making a list of "bad foods" then praying to my higher power to help me refrain from them. In the mean time I ordered a book called, Diary of a Food Addict, about a woman who shared her story of going into a clinic for food addicts. While she was there the doctors stripped her from all sugar and white flour. One day I asked the group about giving up sugar and white flour and I found there were a few members who had and found success. I decided I needed to purge myself from sugar and white flour because I understood I could not control myself around them. Four months later, with a closer relationship with God and a 45 pound weight loss I was on top of the world. Until one day, I ate a "bad food". My success all went down hill from there.

I had came up with a grand idea. Since eating sugar was an addiction, all I needed to do was get rid of it immediately so my body wouldn't crave it. I began to purge myself whenever it happened, knowing all along I was cheating. One day I broke down and told my sponsor what I was doing and she said, "The disease will only get worse the more you hide from it." I was screwed and my only hope was God. My relationship with God became my focal point and every now and then my Pastor would talk of addictions being a modern day idol, so by comforting myself with food, I was choosing food over God. My shame grew each day I chose food over God. It had become a monster in my mind and I eventually stopped going to Church and began hiding from the shame I felt - and God.

Just prior to my departure from the group I met with a lady who had become a social worker to help women with food disorders. She encouraged me to exercise and said there were no bad foods and to eat healthy most of the time but to forgive myself when I didn't. At the time her words gave me permission to leave the group but the ideas I learned from the group were deep in my subconscious. I felt disabled when it came to changing my eating habits because deep inside I still felt I was an addict and food was my enemy.

Since I have seen a Dietitian I learned the social worker I talked to six years ago was correct. For a member of the group Overeaters Anonymous, their number one goal is *abstinence. I believe abstinence can be misconstrued because for people with eating disorders, the need to control food is tempting and a healthy relationship with food seizes to develop. I have recently went to an OA forum and someone mentioned not having "perfect abstinence" and all I read was the shame she felt.

There is an eating disorder called Orthorexia nervosa, a term used by Steven Bratman to characterize an obsession with a "pure" diet, where it interferes with a person's life. Putting the focus on too much food or the perfect diet does not relieve the mind of the obsession of food. Exercising and eating healthy 80% of the time is the goal set up by my Dietitian and what a relief, knowing I don't have to be perfect. What a relief knowing I do not have to carry around a burden of shame!

On a positive note, Overeaters Anonymous is a wonderful support group, full of people who become automatic friends. Each time we met each of us had a chance to speak, uninterrupted and for me, not having that in my life, was a huge blessing. We prayed together, loved and hugged each other, we were there for each other with just a phone call away. That kind of support is often times never found by people with eating disorders.

*Abstinence: Refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight. Spiritual, emotional and physical recovery is the result of living the OA twelve step program by working the steps.

Avocado, A Healthier Choice

2012-06-20T13:26:00.001-07:00

This morning I weighed myself in at a total of a 21 pound weight loss.

I saw the Doctor today and he was impressed. He couldn't believe how much weight I've lost in just two months. He said with a big grin, "Your rockin it out!" I began to wonder if he were more excited than I? He suggested that I see a Dietitian a few months ago. Though I didn't think I needed the help, (because I thought I had all the answers but no willingness) I took his advice. I am glad he encouraged me to see the Dietitian because she has helped me understand that there are no "bad foods" and my black and white thinking has changed into a life long mind set for a healthy lifestyle. I believe the Doc is excited because he helped play a hand in my weight loss. He said, "I have encouraged many patients to see the Dietitian and rarely do they listen." What the Doc doesn't know is, I was ready for a change, he just helped me with a good nudge. I am excited to see his reaction three months from now!

On another note, I've noticed Subway's new commercial about avocado season. On a recent trip to the store I saw avocados on sale so I bought a few. I have added a few scoops of avocado to my salad along with garden fresh sweet onion salsa and I discovered I really didn't need a dressing so I left it out. I have heard good things about avocados and bad things, though remembering my Dietitian's words, "There are no bad foods" helped me. I did, however, investigate the nutritional facts and compare them to that of sour cream and ranch dressing, since I would have chosen either one instead of an avocado for either Mexican food or a salad. I found the avocados have far more nutritional value than either sour cream or ranch dressing and really, it was expected, since it is a natural food. So please, go out and buy a few avocados this season and enjoy the creamy, fresh texture which is far better than sour cream or a salad dressing.

Avocado

Ranch Dressing

Sour Cream

Rediscovering Dance!

2012-06-18T18:27:00.001-07:00

There has been a wave of excitement from friends of mine recently who have discovered the dance program, Zumba Fitness. Apparently, the program is like going to a club with a bunch of friends listening to great music and dancing. I found myself getting all worked up when I heard about it because it sounded like so much fun but there was a problem. When I began to look into the program, I found it to be somewhat costly. The first class is either three dollars or free, then six dollars per class or ten classes for forty five dollars. I have always been a penny pincher so when I began adding up the money I decided quickly I could dance on my own. More importantly I believe if I am going to commit to a healthy lifestyle I have to begin on my own or the money may go to waste.

There are several music stations through my Cable TV (Comcast) without commercials. My favorites are the 80's, 90's and the Golden Oldies because they take me back to a different place in time. I remember dancing with the neighborhood girls to the song Footloose in my back yard. Whenever the line came to kick off your Sunday shoes, we would kick them off with complete abandon. When I graduated High School I spent a lot of time going to the clubs dancing so the nineties music brings back memories of a new found freedom. The Golden Oldies remind me of all the family fun I had watching my parents, aunts, uncles and friends heat up the dance floor. When I am dancing all the memories come flooding back and just when I think I'm done dancing another great song will come on and I just keep going. Now that I think of it, I've been dancing since I was three years old. I would put on my beautiful, white, lacy "wedding dress" my mom bought me every year for Christmas and climb onto our round coffee table. There I would shake what my mamma gave me as my family watched with enthusiasm. If I loved to dance that much, why did a take a 13 year break from dancing? Perhaps when I became a parent and stopped going to the clubs I thought my days of dancing were over.

When I told my Dietitian I had found an exercise I could commit to, she applauded my idea. She said, "If you can turn the music up in your house and dance for ten minutes a day, that's awesome!" She further told me it was a realistic commitment and found after later investigation that dance is a great way to shape up not only your body but your mind. The excitement of dance has recaptured me and I understand the Zumba craze my friends are all talking about. I'm not against going to a Zumba class once in a while so I can join the party but in the mean time I have a party of my own, by myself, any day, any time, cost free!

Simply Losing Weight

2012-06-15T17:35:00.002-07:00

My last weigh in was June 13 at a 17 pound weight loss.

Over a month has went by since I began to take my health serious. It has been a long journey getting to this point in my life. I don't believe I could have made it if it weren't for my health problems and being properly treated by a Doctor. My Doctor adjusted my medication and I no longer feel the anxiety that drove me to eat unhealthy. Also, I have become dedicated to exercise most days. I feel optimistic about losing weight. I want to stress the issue of seeing a Dietitian. I have been on many diets in the past and I know all too well what a "diet" feels like. I was always searching for the "magic" diet that was going to change my life forever.

Seeing a Dietitian has helped me gain insight to a life long journey of eating healthy. There are no magic pills, no easy way out and no complicated plan that exercises our need to control our food. Simply eat healthy and exercise 80% of the time. My Dietitian said to me, "I want you to be a B student." I found this to be liberating because I have always been either perfect or imperfect; eating junk food or eating healthy food, drinking water or drinking pop. My black and white thinking has left me crippled. It's time to let go of perfectionism and get serious about a healthy lifestyle. There are no bad foods, only bad thinking about food.

I don't know about you but whenever I thought about going on a diet, the anxiety would build up because I felt I needed to be perfect all the time. I decided to blog about my journey as I want others to be encouraged to let go of an unhealthy lifestyle and black and white thinking. The journey to eating healthy is simple. Ask yourself, "Is simple good enough for me?" I highly suggest seeking a Dietitian. However, I am going to share everything she has shared with me.

Begin by setting a weight loss goal of 10% of your total weight.

80% of the time choose...

High fiber (they fill you up), low fat foods. Fruits and veges are high in fiber and low in fat.
Whole wheat products, in the morning with dairy or protein and perhaps fruit.
Your plate should be 1/2 veges and fruit, 1/4 protein, 1/4 carbohydrates for lunch and dinner.
Know when your hungry. Hunger grows, false hunger hits you suddenly, usually with something specific in mind. Eat when your hungry, even if is an hour before bed (I eat fruit).
Exercise

Please, if you have any questions, ask.

My Story

2012-06-15T16:29:00.000-07:00

My brother, Jim and I in 2008

Negative messages either from our peers, relatives or media can make or break who we become in life. I've been overweight since I was six years old, thirty years have went by believing I will always be overweight. All through elementary school and Junior High I was teased by my peers. I didn't know how to stand up for myself so I quietly stood in the corner of the play ground hoping to avoid the other children. However, they sought me out and fed me messages I forever carried with me. My mother took me to Weight Watchers when I was 13 years old, weighing in at 208 pounds and within a year I lost 60 pounds. Though I looked and felt better, the messages never left me, they were deep in my subconscious. I looked at the other girls and thought I still wasn't perfect like they were. I gained back twenty pounds by the time I graduated high school.

I spent years continuing the silence, in the work place and socializing with people. I married a wonderful man who told me a woman ought to have curves so my self esteem began to hang on his words of self assurance. I became jealous and demanded his words of approval. When we married and had our first child, I gained over seventy pounds. I began to feel unworthy of his love as we were struggling to begin our family. He and I grew apart and to this day he has never admitted feeling unattractive to me. Whether he had or not, I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw.

After I had our second child I began to seek help. I found a diet group and as I sat in the group I kept thinking, "I have to get to the source of my problems. This is more than a diet, there is a deep emotional need that kept me eating". I soon found a group called Overeaters Anonymous or OA and there I began a journey that ended in more dysfunctional eating because I was too afraid to face my emotions head on, though I thought I had. I blamed the group for my failure and my new formed bad habit of bulimia. I quit the bulimia and the fifty pounds I lost came back in the past seven years I had given up. I settled into the idea I was always going to be fat. I went to college and found my identify there, becoming an honor role student. After five years of going to school part time, I had an emotional crash. I wrote in my journal and figured I couldn't be successful in life if my body was broken down.

The ten years I spent in health care, helping other people by lifting and bending over began to take a toll on my body. Not a day goes by after I work an eight hour shift that I don't experience shoulder, joint, hip, back, ankle and feet pain. My deep belief that I am fat lead me to never work out and never try to eat healthy. The elderly people I take care work out every day and are in better shape than I am! I know I can do my job better if I am at a normal weight and my muscles are strong. Not only did the pain and the shame pile up I began to experience another health problem. I began to feel very weak and tired at various times which lead me to the Doctor's office to find out I am pre-diabetic. I ignored my health all of my life and the reality of it put me into a state of shock.

Finally, I am ready to get serious. I have set seven goals for myself. Each goal is broken down to 10% of my weight. By the time I reach my forth goal, I will have lost over 100 pounds. I want to feel better than I did at twenty five. It's no longer about looking good for me, it's about making the next forty years of my life better, both physically and mentally.

My Weight Loss Goals

28.4 pnds
25.6 pnds
23.0 pnds
20.7 pnds
18.6 pnds
16.8 pnds
15.1 pnds