Jesus' General

Random God-Damned Random Poultry Sons of Bitches

2012-01-27T00:56:00.000-05:00

This week, my hometown paper is filled with tales of violence and death. It all began when Orson Poulson put on his mountain man outfit:

Orson has also been going to an elementary school in Kaysville to do demonstrations for a fourth grade class in the Mountain Man way of life...He shows the students his guns and black powder and some pelts and, of course, his Mountain Man clothing.

I blame the pelts. Animal hides tend to fire up a man's blood. The sight, the feel, the smell combine to fuel a an evil bloodlust, a need for violence that can only be satisfied by the obliteration of some random god-damned random poultry sons of bitches:

Orson had flocks of geese flying over his back yard and house so he shot two.

The madness quickly infected others. Jim and Starr Mitchell were the first to succumb. You see:

Starr has seen some golden eagles. The couple had some chickens ready to kill, so they took care of that...

Yes, eagles, the sorcerers of the thermal updraft, exploiting the power of the pelt to compel good people to do their feathered bidding against their natural enemies.

Of course, all that spilled blood lead to other kinds of licentious behavior:

Cleo Petit [and] Gary made it to J&D’s Restaurant for breakfast with their friends. Cleo also had her hair done while in town.

Yes, that's right. She ate a purchased breakfast and then had someone do up her hair, just like a common trollop.

And Kaye Draper, well:

She went to the Liberty Senior Center on Wednesday to play bingo.

Although Brother Brigham never mentioned bingo specifically in one of his dominoes and dancing sermons, you know he's surely turning over in his grave.

Family Values -- Red State Style

2012-01-25T00:42:00.001-05:00

Sometimes, traditional family values means kidnapping a Democratic campaign manager's cat, scrawling the word "liberal" on it, crushing its head with the butt of your AR-15 assault rifle, and then leaving it where the Democrat's children will see it.

At least that's the way it works in the Heartland.

With Lettuce and Mayo, but Hold the Zygote, Please

2012-01-25T00:40:00.000-05:00

Senator Ralph Shortey
Oklahoma State Senate

Dear Senator Shortey,

Although there are no current efforts to use the pre-born in food products, I still think your bill outlawing such practices is a great idea. Lord knows that if the OBAMUNIST USURPER is elected to a second term, you can bet that grocery shelves will be filled with products like Cup O'Zygote, Blastocystoroni, and Reeses Fetuses.

I wonder, however, why your bill ignores an even more deplorable form of cannibalism that is currently taking place all over Oklahoma. No, I'm not talking about the hoards of backwoods, inbred, redneck Sooners who regularly feast on the flesh of lost tourists and hikers--I cherish traditional values as much as the next patriot--I'm referring to the Catholic practice of eating Jesus' flesh and drinking His immaculate blood.

I mean we're talking about our Lord and Savior, here. Shouldn't He get at least as much protection as a zygote-American? I sure as hell think so.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

P.S. I hope your bill only applies to swallowing. Otherwise, I'll have to find a new way to transfer liberated spermatazoan-Americans to their new mason jar homes.

When is the Negev Primary

2012-01-24T00:01:00.001-05:00

Andrew Adler, the owner and publisher of the Atlanta Jewish Times, worries that the OBAMUNIST USURPER doesn't love America enough to do a foreign power's bidding. Thankfully, Andrew's the kind of guy who doesn't complain unless he offers at least one solution.

He offers three in a recent editorial. Of these, I thought the last one was almost Boltonesgue in its elegance:

Three, give the go-ahead for U.S.-based Mossad agents to take out a president deemed unfriendly to Israel in order for the current vice president to take his place, and forcefully dictate that the United States’ policy includes its helping the Jewish state obliterate its enemies.

Yes, you read “three” correctly. Order a hit on a president in order to preserve Israel’s existence. Think about it. If I have thought of this Tom Clancy-type scenario, don’t you think that this almost unfathomable idea has been discussed in Israel’s most inner circles?

Another way of putting “three” in perspective goes something like this: How far would you go to save a nation comprised of seven million lives…Jews, Christians and Arabs alike?

You have got to believe, like I do, that all options are on the table.

Cheatin' for America

2012-01-23T00:41:00.000-05:00

Dr. Keith Ablow, who commentates for America's tee vee channel, says Newt's marital history provides proof that he'll be a great president:

So, here's what one interested in making America stronger can reasonably conclude -- psychologically -- from Mr. Gingrich's behavior during his three marriages:

1) Three women have met Mr. Gingrich and been so moved by his emotional energy and intellect that they decided they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with him.

2) Two of these women felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married.

3) One of them felt this way even though Mr. Gingrich was already married for the second time, was not exactly her equal in the looks department and had a wife (Marianne) who wanted to make his life without her as painful as possible.

Conclusion: When three women want to sign on for life with a man who is now running for president, I worry more about whether we'll be clamoring for a third Gingrich term, not whether we'll want to let him go after one.

Proudly Aryan Accountants Provide Tax Help for Patriots

2012-01-20T00:21:00.002-05:00

Do you ever worry about the blood quantum of the H&R Block trainee who does your taxes? He or she might look like a heartlander, but how can you be sure he isn't a Hebrew or that her great great grandmother wasn't a slave?

Well, you can put those worries aside. Harriet E. Kester-Paletti is now offering a tax preparation service for the proudly white. Located appropriately in West Berlin, Wisconsin, Kester-Palenti's "Garfield Accounting Services" gives you the option to "stop using main Jew owned tax services from H & R Block and use one of your own!"

But what if you want a banner. How do you know if it wasn't designed by a homosexualist or printed by a Mexican? Again, you have nothing to worry about. WPSigns.net, a division of White Pride Enterprises, will proudly and whitely provide all your sign, banner, and decal needs.

Those are just two of the business listed in Stormfront.orgs classified ad section. Others include:

Valhalla's Vinland & Viking Polo Shirts
Heathen Noise Productions - Where else are you going to get patriot music like "Day of the Rope - Vol III" for 5 bucks or Stormtroop 16's "Braces up Straight Laces up" for $15.00?
And of course, free Ron Paul stickers.

Political Correctness Forces Seattle Cops to Beat Unheartlandishly-Hued on Own Time

2012-01-19T00:33:00.004-05:00

Officer Steve Pomper
Seattle Police Guild

Dear Officer Pomper,

I'm concerned that the three Seattle police officers who fought two Neighbours Nightclub bouncers on Monday will not receive compensation for the beatings they delivered. Although they were officially off-duty, they were executing what appears to be the Department's official policy of beating the unheartlandishly-hued whenever such an opportunity presents himself. Indeed the fracas began after one of the officers screamed: ""You don't know anything about the law, Mexican" at one of the bouncers.

This seems to be in keeping with the Department's practice of shouting racial or other "fighting words" before assaulting and/or summarily executing the brown (see: Officer Schoenberg: "Roll down the fucking window," Detective Cobane: “I’m going to beat the fucking Mexican piss out of you homey. You feel me,” etc.)

Inasmuch as the "off-duty" officers were acting according to Department policy, we should pay them overtime wages for their work. Only SOCIALISTS would expect them to beat the unheartlandishly-hued for free.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The Sad, Sorry Plight of White Conservative Patriots

2012-01-18T00:23:00.001-05:00

As heartened as we are to hear our presidential candidates tout traditional Confederate values on the stump in South Carolina, we must remember that conservatives still suffer under the heavy boot of political correctness:

Sharyl Ann Curtis was arraigned Monday in Spokane County Superior Court on the hate crime charges after being arrested by police on Oct. 31 and spending a night in jail.

[...]

...Tyree Brown, who’s African-American, answered a knock at his apartment door that Halloween night as children were trick-or-treating in the Hillyard neighborhood of northeast Spokane.

When Brown opened his door, he was greeted by someone wearing a hooded, white sheet, with the letters “KKK” on the front, court documents say. A female voice was yelling “niggers,” demanding candy. The costumed visitor yelled the epithet “so many times” that Brown couldn’t count them all, the charging documents say.

[...]

In the parking lot, police said Curtis waved a spray bottle containing liquid. “She yelled that it was bleach water and that she would make everyone white,” the court documents say.

Brown’s two children, identified in the court documents as “T.B.” and “K.B.,” were standing nearby, and Curtis sprayed the bottle toward them. The liquid hit a decorative Halloween ghost hanging on a wood railing, bleaching its black material, the documents say.

Republican Jesus Gives the Golden Rule a Rewrite

2012-01-17T01:59:00.000-05:00

Straight Out of the Heartland

2012-01-16T00:16:00.002-05:00

It sounds like everyone had a great Christmas in Deseret, although I'm hearing Winnie at my hometown newspaper may have fudged it a bit. From what I understand, the Jim and Starr Mitchell family accidentally put 2015 candles on the cake. There may have also been some cat involvement.

Here's how Winnie reports it:

Starr cooked a turkey and served pies. Everyone brought something for the meal. Steven and Ashley Mitchell brought the birthday cake for Jesus this year. There were also two dogs present.

Sure, the Poulsens may have the funkiest smelling pile of gifts under their tree, but, oh my heck, nothing honors the birth of our Saviour more than a nice chunk of brisket:

Orson and Jeannette Poulsen spent Christmas Eve in Salt Lake City with all but two of her children and all of Jeannette’s grandchildren. “We had a fun time,” Orson says. The couple gave gifts of packaged meat to all the adults and toys for the tots.

I gather Boyd Udy has taken up the tradition of not feeding people cursed with the names of the unheartlandishly hued:

Boyd Udy had all his children but Tyrell to Christmas dinner. “We just stayed around home and had a real nice Christmas,” he says.

Department of Book Reports: At Play in the Fields of the Lord

2012-01-14T13:18:00.000-05:00

Peter Matthiessen's At Play in the Fields of the Lord is one of those mid-20th century novels I've meant to read and never got around to doing so. Well, I've finally read it, and it was well worth the time. Matthiessen can be, at turns, a dense writer, full of metaphor, and flights of reverie, but always interesting.

The novel itself is one of the clash of culture works that abounded then, and still do. The Martin Quarrier family, Martin, Hazel and their son, Billy, are small town fundamentalists who venture to the wilds of South America to convert the Niaruna Indian tribe. who live in a remote area, but an area that the government would very much like to develop and would love to have vacated by the Indians. The Quarriers are aided by another couple, the Hubens, solidly Christian folk. Along the way, the two families encounter two American Ex-Pats, Lewis Moon and his pilot buddy, Wolf, who the local commandante has "hired" to bomb the Indians out of the area. The Quarriers set up their mission which had once been a Catholic outpost, until members of the tribe murdered the missionary priest. What ensues is chaos, clashes and the dissipation of faith.

Matthiessen has richly written characters that are not stereotypes. Each is imagined vividly and all are memorable. Lewis Moon is a "half-breed" Cheyenne, brilliant, and lost. Martin Quarrier falls in love with his environs, and the people while his wife goes slowly mad. Andy Huben, the wife of Leslie, is the object of many a male fantasy. Wolf just wants to go home to his rather beatnik life in San Francisco. All are given compelling stories to share.

Matthiessen, you may recall, is also the author of In the Spirit of Crazy Horse, a non-fiction work about Leonard Pelletier, and over which he was sued by an FBi agent for defamation. He was also a founding member of the Paris Review, along with George Plimpton and the poet, Donald Hall. At the time of the magazne's beginning, he was also working for the CIA. He experimented early in the sixties with mind-bending drugs, an experience that lends to a long sequence in the novel when Lewis Moon also partakes and has visions. A very interesting man, indeed.

At Play was adapted to the screen in the early 1990's by Hector Barbenco, director of Kiss of the Spider Women. It received a mixed critical response at the time. I loved it, and not just because I got to see Darryl Hannah naked in it. The cast is terrific, with the aforementioned Ms. Hannah, John Lithgow, Aidan Quinn, Tom Berenger, Kathy Bates and Tom Waits. If you can find the movie, I highly recommend it. The Netflix doesn't seem to have it, though there are a few clips at the Imdb. The movie certainly piqued my interest in reading the book. Both achieve the level of art. Watch and read if and when you can.

Forget it, Ayn. It's Chinatown

2012-01-12T00:16:00.002-05:00

There's a deep secret hidden somewhere behind the inscrutable facade of Chinatown. It's a dirty, grimy secret. It's a secret with unfathomable mass. It's a secret with infinite weight.

Those who deal in the trading of secrets won't find this one easily. It's housed in a building behind a blue sign lettered with gold Chinese characters and a napkin taped on a door upon which the words "phone bank" were hastily scratched by some long-forgotten wretch.

Once through the door, secret seekers must run a gauntlet: six flights of metal stairs, bulging trash bags, and broken pieces of furniture. At its end is the secret's sanctum, a "wide-open cavern of Chinatown despair: walls stripped of fixtures and decor, two dozen cheap, unmatched chairs thrown together for some long-forgotten meeting or class, and a soulless excuse for a bar with a BartendingLicense.com sign posted on its front."

And a cube framed with grimy plastic sheeting. From a distance, it looks like a klavern of ghostly klansman seeking warmth from a sooty fire. That's fitting, because it's the home of Ron Paul's NYC phone operation.

They call it "LibertyHQ."

It's guarded by a phalanx of gray pudgy young men armed with cellphones and the latest pocket protector technology. They are the guardians of the secret. No one gets past them. No one violates the holy of holies.

Not even a business journalist.

A helmet tip to Casac.

Heterosupremacist Birfologist Patriot or Crazy, Paranoid Lunatic?

2012-01-11T00:14:00.006-05:00

Stephen Pidgeon is a brave man. On Monday, he stood up to WA Governor Christine Gregoire and other radical egalitarians by submitting an initiative to end their efforts to desegregate love.

It was an heroic act, one that exposes him to the full wrath of armies of secret homosexualist operatives. They'll call him a bigot. They'll search his closet. They'll oppose his will.

He understands what he's risking. He's been there before.

You see, Mr. Pidgeon is not only a valiant defender of love segregation, he's also one of our nation's most preeminent birfologists. A close, personal friend of Orly Taitz, law dentist, Mr. Pidgeon is the man who discovered that Obama traveled to a foreign Euro-South American country, British Columbia, to change his name.

Of course, communists, Islamomexicans, Hittites, and their fellow travellers immediately rose to Obama's defense, unreasonably demanding that Mr. Pidgeon do the impossible: that is provide evidence.

Still, he was not deterred. Rather than fleeing when faced with demands for proof, he risked arrest by writing a book, "The Obama Error." Here's how Amazon describes it:

Here are the facts, and here is the law. The national fabric is forever torn, and the experiment in God-breathed freedom we call America is finished. When we look back to the causes of our demise, we will most certainly find the Obama error.

Yes, he risked arrest for writing that book. According to an email published by the Free Republic, camo-clad stormtroopers from Homeland Security secured his neighborhood in March 2009 and are in the process of arresting him:

From: [email address of Stephen Pidgeon] Sent: Wednesday, March 25, 2009 1:00 PM To: Carmen [last name withheld] Cc: [numerous recipients] Subject: Stephen Pidgeon in imminent danger of arrest by Homeland Security

I am writing this now as three black suburbans with HS personnel in camo are moving in to my neighborhood. I suspect arrest here shortly. In the event that you do not hear from me by tomorrow morning, please continue to contact by me email, as we will try to monitor. If not, contact Cesar Velasquez in Bellevue, WA (a Washington lawyer) for status.

Stephen Pidgeon

I imagine some people would look at such an email and describe the author as a crazy, paranoid, right wing lunatic, but I, like many of my readers, see the author in a different light. The man is a true patriot. He should be awarded this nation's highest commendation, the Tricorner Hat with Teabag Dangles.

Rick Perry: American Pie

2012-01-10T00:55:00.002-05:00

Brother Rick reminds me a movie star, like one of those guys in "American Pie" or "The Hangover." That's the kind of glamour he'll bring to the White House.

A helmet tip to reader Joe.

Jesus' Commando to Target Murderous Nurses

2012-01-09T00:00:00.000-05:00

Pastor Jonathan A. David
Glorious Praise Ministries
Houston, Texas

Dear Pastor David,

In a recent blog post, you alerted us to a great evil arising out of the nursing industry. Here's what you had to say about it:

Statistics reveal that there has been an upward spike in the incidents of depression, marital disruptions, family breakdown, parental neglect, emotional instability, increased stress, murders and other violent crimes traceable to the homes that are directly related to professionals in this [nursing] industry.

The satanic nature of nursing should not be a surprise to anyone. Throughout history, the nursing profession has been a hotbed of witchcraft. Obviously you understand that. I suspect that's why you invited famed Nigerian child-witch pricker Pastor Helen Ukpabio to speak at your church in March.

Have you considered asking Pastor Ukpabio to lead a spiritual warfare campaign against Houston's nurses while she's there? You know she'd bring down God's full wrath on the city's healers. She's Jesus' Witchcraft Commando. The wicked of Nigeria tremble when they hear her name, and those who defend child witches are quickly instructed on the redemptive qualities of the heavy steel-toed boot.

Heterosexually your,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Department of Book Reports: Occult America

2012-01-07T16:39:00.000-05:00

Occult America, The Secret History of How Mysticism Shaped Our Nation by Mitch Horowitz (Bantam, $16) Mitch Horowitz is an editor and author of occult and esoteric topics and here he places out a fine history of their influences in America's history. Starting with the German philosopher Johannes Kelpius' pilgrims arrival in Philadelphia in 1694 and the "Burned-over District" of upstate New York he shows how these early thinkers promoted social progress and individual betterment.Albany and the Hudson Valley became known as The Burned-over District because it was once home to so many prophets and ideologies that burned bright and launched religions across the country. Mother Ann Lee's Shakers settled here and Joesph Smith found his Seeing Stones here. Millerites, or Seventh-day Adventists, the Universal Publick Friend, Masons, Mesmerism, and Transcendentalism all had homes here. Horowitz moves his history through Spiritualism, Seances, Madame Blavatsky's secrets of the Eastern Masters; how these secret or hidden histories influenced the beginnings of the New Age Movement and also William Dudley Pelley's Silver Shirts and White Supremacy movement. Hoodoo influenced Frederick Douglas, Professor Black Herman, and Marcus Garvey, Ghandi credited Theosophy for his principle of equality of universal brotherhood of man and his non-violent ethics that would later touch Martin Luther King, Jr. Astrology, The Age of Aquarius, and Creative Visualization were the beginnings of Prosperity Philosophies from Dale Carnegie and Napoleon Hill most recently seen in the popularity of "The Secret". I haven't even managed to mention Rosicrucians, Ouija, Edgar Cayce, Tarot, Wicca or Voodoo. Trust me, it's all covered in this engaging volume. This is a great book for anyone interested in the spiritual evolution of our country. In this day when politicians are compelled to tell us of their personal mission from God, it's good to remember this has always been a nation with a wide spectrum of religious experience. Occult America is available at Jackson Street Books , as well as fine independent bookstores everywhere. ps: sorry about the formatting, Blogger hates me today. Really, I did put spaces between the paragraphs.

"Outrageously Fired...For His Conservative Writings on Race"

2012-01-06T00:40:00.000-05:00

The Thinking Housewife writes (emphasis mine):

FRANK BORZELLIERI, outrageously fired as principal of a Catholic school in the Bronx last summer because of his conservative writings on race...

Yes, you read that right. Mr. Borzelleri was fired for expressing such tried and true conservative sentiments as this:

On average, blacks score lower on every conceivable aptitude test than whites and Asians...These results have not changed despite decades of heroic efforts to uplift blacks to [sic] and to tinker with the tests.

But rather than acknowledge what every (yes, every) study and informed scientist has put forth, the government's official position is that blacks fall short because of white wickedness. Oppression and discrimination by whites are responsible, not inherent shortcomings. (Asians, who outperform whites, have a significant history of discrimination in America, but that's an inconvenient fact.)

That's what this country's come too. A principle of a school where most of the students are unheartlandishly hued can't say black people are intellectually inferior to white people without risking his job. No wonder God has cursed us all with anal warts. We deserve it for sitting in silence when faced with such injustice.

Thankfully, the firing did not deter Mr. Borzelleri from continuing his fight for what is right. Now he's taking on one of the most liberal institutions in the world, the Catholic Church. Here's what he has to say:

Liberalism has always defined compassion in the most odd manner—usually as taking other people’s money through force and coercion to use for the benefit of those who did not earn it. Thus, the Church’s outlandish support of every government-sponsored social program which taxpayers are forced to subsidize whether they like it or not.

God damned socialists.

Santorum Proposes Exec Order to Remove Uncertainty in Regard to Sexual Acts

2012-01-05T00:47:00.000-05:00

Someone who identifies himself as an "influential staffer within the Santorum campaign" sent me the following internal memo:

From: Rick Santorum
To: Santorum for President State Coordinators
Date: January 3, 2011

Although it's clear that I oppose same-sex relationships, contraception, divorce, and sex for non-procreational purposes, many of you have expressed concern that I haven't issued a statement on what kind of sex meets my approval.

I suspect these expressions of concern may be why so few of you filled out the "Describe your sexual practices in detail" section of your "Personal Campaign Dossier;" well, everyone but that degenerate coordinator from Kansas who resigned to spend more time with that tongue-loving harlot of a second wife and their bastard children.

I suspect many other Americans share your concern. Some may be fearful of supporting me, afraid that they'll be seen as sexual lawbreakers after I win the election. It's important that I act now to allay such concerns.

On Monday, January 9, I will announce my plan to issue my first executive order on the day I am inaugurated. The order will define the official sex act of the United states (OSAUS) as:

An act between a husband and a wife (huband and ofhusband) which is comprised of the following elements:
Ofhusband on hands and knees.
Husband behind her in the dominant position favored by alpha hounds.
Husband putting his Hard Staff of Procreative Righteousness (HSPR) inside his ofhusbands's Vile Nook of Eve's Great Sin (VNEGS).
Husband should take great care that under no circumstances should the HSPR slip into the wife's Filthy Cave of Eternal Shame (FCES).
All institutions that receive federal funding will be required to certify that their employees, patrons, and clients are in compliance with OSAUS.

Releasing this a full year before the inauguration should give people plenty of time to initiate compliance and resolve any concerns they may have.

Onward to New Hampshire,

Rick Santorum

I like it. I've always felt that the method OfJoshua demands feel a bit too unnatural--I likethe wresting magazines and dixie cups, but it always seemed a little wrong to use a turkey baster.

I'm sure folks like Ben Shapiro will also be relieved that Sen. Santorum is removing the uncertainty that surrounds what constitutes a proper sexual act. After three years, it'll provide him with a justification to finally consummate his marriage.

Beware the GOP's Terrible Babies of Destruction

2012-01-04T01:50:00.000-05:00

When I was a young militia boy, my mother would travel 40 miles every Thursday evening to receive instruction from Joy Beech. Mrs Beech--she righteously commanded everyone to address her by that title--was a Mormon version of Phyllis Schlafly. Indeed, Mrs. Beech eventually transformed her "Citizens for True Freedom" organization into the Utah chapter of Mrs. Schlafly's Eagle Forum.

Mom enjoyed crusading for Mrs. Beech, and she was very proud when she convinced the local drug store--the only one in town--to stop selling Playboy. Sadly, her efforts to ban National Geographic were unsuccessful. She had to live with the knowledge that her sons were masturbating to pictorials of the tribes of New Guinea.

But even that wasn't all downside, because she loved catching us patting our Robertson's. It gave her a hardship she could exploit when she rose to bear her testimony at the Church's fast and testimony meetings.

As much as Mrs Beech hated naked pictures, masturbation, and the ERA, nothing stirred her ire more than the Pill. She was absolutely certain that contraception was a feminist plot to destroy marriage by giving them the ability to pursue a career. Mom fully embraced the idea. After all, she had taken the pill and was in her fourth marriage.

Worse yet, according to Mrs. Beech, contraception allowed bad girls to avoid the consequences that should rightfully be incurred by their behavior; naughty girls should be punished with babies.

As my mother's son, I'm heartened to see that Mrs. Beech's hatred of contraception is, once again, fashionable in conservative circles. Crowds were bigger than ever at the American Life league 's fourth annual "The Pill Destroys Marriage" rally held last July. And just yesterday, GOP presidential contender Rick Santorum declared that states should be allowed to pass laws banning contraception--something Alabama tried to do earlier this year.

Mrs Beech is surely smiling down at us from her mcmansion in the Celestial Kingdom.

I am the NRA

2012-01-02T23:45:00.005-05:00

Benjamin Colton Barnes seemed like the patriotic kind of guy you'd like to have for a neighbor. He loved firearms. He kept a personal arsenal. He sported the "Odin" and "manacled warrior" tattoos so favored by our most proudly white patriots. Who would believe he'd murder a forest ranger?

Department of Book Reports: Happy New Year

2012-01-01T02:57:00.001-05:00

The very exhausted bookstore people wish you and yours a very Happy New Year. We're looking forward to talking about good books next year.

Another Fistful of Foreskin

2011-12-30T01:47:00.003-05:00

Here's another example of people confusing the fine sport of wrestling for some kind of wild homosexualist porkin' party:

Former pro wrestling superstar Hulk Hogan is suing his ex-wife for telling interviewers that he had a long-term gay relationship with fellow wrestler Brutus Beefcake.

It seems like no matter how hard the wrestling world works to dispel such perceptions--even going so far as to butch up the wrestlers by giving them names like "Brutus Beefcake"--nothing they try seems to work. There's just something about seeing two big sweaty guys grinding against each other that sends filthy minds into overdrive.

A Fist Full of Foreskins

2011-12-29T00:07:00.005-05:00

Edward John
Edward John Ministries
Christian Advice Columnist

Dear Pastor John,

My preparations to transfer ownership of my daughter's uterus to a nice young man have a hit a bit of a snag. Yesterday, he was arrested while putting together a 1 Samuel 18:27 dowry. Apparently, the secularistofascists who write and enforce our laws consider the biblically-approved practice of forcibly taking a man's foreskin to be a serious crime.

My potential son-in-law has been working on the dowry for months, but has only collected 7 of the 200 required foreskins. Sitting in jail is going to really hamper his gathering efforts. I don't think he'll make it.

My daughter is very upset. She wants me to take an unblemished red heifer or a couple of morale ewes instead. I suppose I could--both are biblically acceptible--but dang it, I want him to prove his worth. More importantly, I want those 200 foreskins framing a Tim Tebow poster I have hanging in my den.

This feels a bit like cheating, but I'm hoping you could ask your readers to help my daughter's fiance. Ask them to send him their foreskins. They probably should dry them first, either by tanning or perhaps jerking; I doubt the jail will accept ice coolers.

Have them send their foreskins to:

1 Samuel 18:27 Foreskin Drive
c/o Inmate #20975-37J
Tremonton City Jail
31 Tremont Street
Tremonton, UT 84337

Thanks.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian

Department of Book Reports: A Christmas Carol

2011-12-24T14:53:00.003-05:00

It has become our tradition to post this passage from A Christmas Carol every Saturday before Christmas here at the General's place. It remains as relevant today as it was when Dickens first had it published in 1843. This year I will add this passage from the first Stave, as it may have reflected English society then, and may soon again.

"At this festive season of the year, Mr Scrooge, ... it is more than usually desirable that we should make some slight provision for the Poor and destitute, who suffer greatly at the present time. Many thousands are in want of common necessaries; hundreds of thousands are in want of common comforts, sir." "Are there no prisons?" "Plenty of prisons..." "And the Union workhouses." demanded Scrooge. "Are they still in operation?" "Both very busy, sir..." "Those who are badly off must go there." "Many can't go there; and many would rather die." "If they would rather die," said Scrooge, "they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population."

The following is, of course, from the climax of Stave Three, as Dickens called it, when Scrooge is abandoned by the Spirit of Christmas Present. Among my English major friends, Charles Dickens is regarded as a rank sentimentalist, and, worse, a writer who achieved popularity with the reading public of his time. At the same time, I argue that he was also one of the most acute social critics of the 19th Century, and a critic that helped transform that world for the better.

The scene below contains one of the most powerful images in English Literature. And it still holds true today.

From the foldings of its robe, it brought two children; wretched, abject, frightful, hideous, miserable. They knelt down at its feet, and clung upon the outside of its garment. "Oh, Man, look here! Look, look, down here!" exclaimed the Ghost. They were a boy and a girl. Yellow, meagre, ragged, scowling, wolfish; but prostrate, too, in their humility. Where graceful youth should have filled their features out, and touched them with its freshest tints, a stale and shrivelled hand, like that of age, had pinched, and twisted them, and pulled them into shreds. Where angels might have sat enthroned, devils lurked, and glared out menacing. No change, no degradation, no perversion of humanity, in any grade, through all the mysteries of wonderful creation, has monsters half so horrible and dread. Scrooge started back, appalled. Having them shown to him in this way, he tried to say they were fine children, but the words choked themselves, rather than be parties to a lie of such enormous magnitude. "Spirit, are they yours?" Scrooge could say no more. "They are Man's," said the Spirit, looking down upon them. "And they cling to me, appealing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased. Deny it!" cried the Spirit, stretching out its hand towards the city. "Slander those who tell it ye. Admit it for your factious purposes, and make it worse. And abide the end."
"Have they no refuge or resource?" cried Scrooge.
"Are there no prisons?" said the Spirit, turning on him for the last time with his own words. "Are there no workhouses?"
The bell struck twelve.

Rick Perry: Still 110% Committed to the Heterosexual Lifestyle

2011-12-22T11:08:00.000-05:00

A man who once stood upon the sacred soil of Texas as a legislator is saying horrible thinks about its governor. In his new book, Glen Maxey, details the claims of several men who accuse Rick Perry of being a homosexualist and having a very tiny .17 cal. man-derringer with a hair trigger.

I've seen pieces of these reports, and I think there's a perfectly heterosexual explanation for the events these men describe. I mean, hey, how many of us haven't taken out a Craigslist ad looking for "someone willing to unlock the door, turn off the lights, and lie face-down on the bed, legs spread." Nothing homosexualist about that. Sounds like Saturday night at the compound to me.

And yeah, so a real estate agent answers the Governor's ad and lays out all spread eagle over the bed, the taught firm hills of his hind parts defiantly rising high above his luscious lumbarian valley. Gov. Perry enters the room and notices that something about this idyllic setting is very wrong; there is a gas, perhaps a poisonous gas, escaping from a cave--perhaps a terrorist hideout--located in the cleft the cleft between hind part hills.

So the Governor does what heroic men do. He grabs whatever weapon is at hand--in this case, his tiny baton of furious justice, and rams it deep into the heart of the terrorists' lair.

Once.

Twice.

Lets loose with a victory moan.

And leaves.

Nothing homosexualist about that. Heck, it's heroic, like something a Spartan, a very well oiled, muscular, Spartan, would do.