Jesus' General

I am the NRA (part 3.7x1026)

2012-06-01T02:59:00.000-04:00

Ian Stawicki loved guns, but he had a disability, mental illness, that, thanks to the Constitution-hating, gun-grabbing lobby, disqualified him from owning them. Fortunately, there were good, Second Amendment respecting citizens within his community who were willing to help him exercise his NRA-given rights despite his disability.

One was a gun dealer who is known to prize gun ownership over silly government paperwork. Others were state legislators who require county law enforcement to issue concealed carry permits to people with a history of committing violent acts. These people helped Mr. Stawicki purchase six .45-caliber or 9-mm handguns and obtain the permit he needed to carry them, hidden from view.

It was a success story, a tale of one man's triumph over a disability that prevented him from achieving his bliss.

Then, something completely unforeseeable happened. Ian Stawicki walked into Seattle's Cafe Racer and shot Drew Keriakedes, a performer who "played a foul-mouthed, singing clown" and "was a bighearted, romantic songwriter" who would read stories to neighborhood kids.

Mr. Stawicki murdered Joe Albanese, next. Joe was an "old typical musician...He'd rather play a gig and drink and have some food and call it a good night. And if he made money, that's good. And if he didn't, that's fine, too," the kind of guy who could quote lines from Marx brothers movies all night long.

Then, he killed Don Largan, "the quiet guy in glasses and a black knit cap who'd always smile and nod when you saw him. If he knew you, you were his friend...'On summer nights you could hear him playing saxophone in his back yard.'"

Leonard Meues was Stawicki's next victim, Leonard is a former research scientist who, at 46, gave up a prestigious job at the University of Washington to achieve his dream of becoming a pastry chef. Mr Meuse is the only survivor. He is now fighting for his life in a Seattle hospital.

Stawiki murdered one other unidentified person before he put on one of the victims' hats and left Cafe Racer.

Thirty-seven minutes later, in another part of town, Stawaki pulled Gloria Koch Leonidas from her car, shot her, and then drove her car over her body (911 audio) as he made his escape. Ms. Leonidas was the mother of two teenage girls.

Four hours later, Stawicki shot himself as police officers moved in to arrest him.

Who could have foreseen such an ending.

Circus Contraption -- one of the bands for which Keriakedes sang and Albanese played bass.

God Save the Governor from Butch Otter Ale

2012-05-31T00:02:00.000-04:00

Howard Wasserstein
Deputy Director
Idaho State Liquor Division

Dear Mr. Wasserstein,

I think you were mistaken when you barred distribution of Five Wives Vodka because you believed the polygamy reference might offend Mormons. Christ, they're Mormons. They'll be offended simply because it's vodka. Hell, they won't be happy until all liquor, wine, beer, coffee, tea, and caffeinated soft drinks are banned.

You should be more concerned about alcoholic beverages that are deliberately given names that mock Idaho's good, conservative, godfearing, elected officials and bureaucrats. I'm talking about products like "Arrogant Bastard Ale, Mama’s Little Yella Pils, Old Leghumper Porter, and Nutliquor peanut butter flavored vodka. Those are the drinks you should be banning. If you don't stop them now, who knows how far they'll go.

Think about it. Picture what a Butch Otter Ale label would look like. Do you really want to explain all that leather and those nipple piercings to Gov. Otter? I don't think so. You need to nip this thing in the bud now.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. Do you think Justice Antonin Scalia would want to shoot Idaho ducks with lobbyists if he saw you selling this Trappist-style ale:

"Worse Than The...Church Paedophilia Scandal"

2012-05-30T00:57:00.001-04:00

Der Pöpenführer is under attack. Sensitive documents stolen from the Most Holy and Sacred Pad of The Immaculate, but most Certainly Hetero and Celibate, Bachelor (MHSPICHCB) and various Vatican offices found their way into a new book about power struggles in the Holy See. This assault against Der Pöpenfüher is said to be so fierce, one Vatican insider described it as "even worse than the storm caused by the Church paedophilia scandal."

One of the first victims of the scandal was Gian Maria Vian, the editor of the official Vatican newspaper, L'Osservatore Romano, whose reputation was besmirched by accusations he had leaked documents revealing a rival editor, Dino Boffo, to be a homosexualist. The Vatican responded by calling the charge that Vian had leaked the documents, "spurious and groundless," and noting that "The Holy Father Benedict XVI deplores these unjustified and offensive attacks." The Holy Ghost, however, fired Mr Boffo for his lack of commitment to the heterosexualist lifestyle.

Other leaked documents are purported to expose corruption and mismanagement at the Vatican Bank, whose president, Ettore Gotti Tedeschi, suddenly resigned last week, a €10,000 Papal Audience Fee, a half million Euro nativity scene, and the gift of a €100,000 hunk of precious fungi procured for Der Pöpenführer.

Perhaps the greatest Papal betrayal came from a man very close to His Holiness, his manservant, Paolo Gabriele. The Swiss Guard is holding him in a Vatican prison cell for stealing documents from the MHSPICHCB. Der Pöpenführer is said to be "particularly hurt with regard to...Gabriele, who he was close to, who he knew, loved and respected."

Others are concerned that Gabriele may be a scapegoat because he would not have access to many of the documents. "It would be as if the Obama's personal babysitter suddenly got access to files at the Pentagon," noted one Vatican insider."

But if not Gabriele, who? Some claim that Cardinals are leaking the documents in an effort to pressure the Vatican Secretary of State, Tarcisio Bertone, into resigning. Apparently, many of the leaked documents came from his office. No one, as yet, has pointed a finger at any specific cardinals.

Wicked, anti-Catholic heretics point to Der Pöpenführer's very very personal secretary and close, constant, but certainly most heterosexual and celibate, companion, the Teutonicly Apollonian Fr. Georg Gänswein. His "influence has grown in the last two years as have the rumours concerning attempts to drive him away from the Pope." The wicked would argue that Fr. Gänswein would have leaked the documents in a misguided attempt to help his Pappa.

Personally, I blame Cardinal George. I'm told by one Jesus' General source that Der Pöpenführer calls him, "that vicious queen who doesn't know Prada from Rubber55."

Jesus loves a sourpuss

2012-05-29T11:35:00.003-04:00

I'm not feeling well, so for now, please enjoy this Godtube video in which the faithful follow Our Lord and Savior's admonition to "suffer the children" for a few laughs.

Best of Babies Eating Lemons - SO CUTE from kidsarecute on GodTube.

"Who Do We Kill Next"

2012-05-25T01:03:00.006-04:00

Michael Hirsh didn't think his life could get any better. With 13 kids, a shiny new conversion to the Catholic faith, and fame as the lawyer for Jesus' favorite assassin, Paul Hill, there was no room left to add even a smidgen of additional joy to his incredible existence.

Then, the Oklahoma gave him a gift he hadn't expected. It was an incredible gift. It was the gift of hope. Hope that someday soon, if a bill in the Oklahoma Legislature passes, godfearing men like him will have the legal right to shoot OB/GYNs who threaten womb-children-Americans.

So now, Michael Hirsh, the man who couldn't be happier, has a new reason to joyfully laugh:

Hmmm. Protecting an “unborn child against any attacker”? Does that mean that anyone can protect an unborn child from “any attacker”? Will Oklahoma womb-children can breathe a little easier? Will the new Oklahoma motto be, "We got your back, baby!"?

So I've been waiting twenty years to get a laugh. Some people worry that if this Oklahoma bill passes it will be open season on abortionists. But that's not going to happen. While it has been open season on unborn children in this country for nearly forty years . . .

For abortionists, there will be a bag limit.

Now that's funny!

The Violence of the Gams

2012-05-24T00:13:00.001-04:00

Arete at The Thinking Housewife tells us that not-men are viciously beating men with there deadly cleavage:

Immodest dress is analogous to male violence. Men who flaunt their muscles and crush beer can’s with their fists (not that I have seen much of that lately) are telling the weaker world around them, “I could crush you. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.We’ll see. Depends how much you annoy me.” Women are stronger than men in this one way – the sight of their women’s bodies is overpowering to men. Immodest women are saying to men, “You could have sex with me, if I let you. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. It depends how much you annoy me.”

Both behaviors are flaunting the power that one has over another weaker being and both behaviors used to be considered uncouth.

But as the myth goes: only men have ever been violent towards women not the other way around (women have no power over men whatsoever – don’t you know!) and so now that we have entered the great age of woman – when she will get her revenge for all the injustices against her by men through the ages – both real and imagined — she has decided to take her “pound of flesh.” But instead of a swift cut right above the heart like Shylock she wants to get men where it really hurts– tease and taunt with the sight of her own body, forever reminding men of their weakness before female power.

Elsewhere at The Thinking Housewife, Aditya B alerts us to the possibility that France's new First Lady, Valérie Trierweiler, may ignite a race war if she continues to wear slit skirts:

I want to ask you whether you believe that women like Valérie Trierweiler, France’s First Girlfriend, have any sense of self-awareness.

Do these women realize that most non-whites regard all white women as nothing more than a piece of meat? And when confronted by one who looks like she can accessorize her dress with a lamp post and a public defender, most non-whites will not only not take her seriously, they will not take her husband, companion, escort, whatever they call ‘em nowadays seriously. In her case, her country will not be taken seriously as most non-whites are going to conclude that it is a land of prostitutes, and indeed, they even put one on the highest pedestal of power.

Do you think white women have any idea about these perceptions? Do you think they have the slightest concern, not only for their safety and dignity, but for the safety and dignity of their compatriots?

Has it occurred to half-naked TV hosts, drunk sorority girls and the like, that images of their behaviour cause non-white men worldwide to view all white women as whores? Consequently, no white girl is safe abroad.

Are white women just deluded? Or completely stupid? Or a bit of both? Or what? I simply do not understand this behaviour.

End Times Metal

2012-05-23T00:05:00.001-04:00

When I first saw this sign, I thought that maybe the 'ol watering hole was suffering the same toilet seat-transmitted wart affliction that brought down our annual Spartanfest in '03, '04, '05, '06, '07, '08, '09, '10, and '11.

But after looking up "Anus Disease" up on the intertubes, I learned it just an intriguing name for one of Pastor Mark Driscol's end times praise bands.

A big tip of the 'ol helmet to IF for the photo.

Barack "Erik Gruber" Obama: Self-Hating Amish Guy

2012-05-22T00:56:00.002-04:00

Four years ago, I used the latest in faith-based scientific technology to prove that the OBAMUNIST USURPER is actually an Amish man named Erik Gruber. Now, the rest of the patriotsphere is beginning to their own investigations into the 's secret Amish heritage.

It all began with a tongue-in-cheek declaration by ABC News that Gruber/Obama is America's first Amish President. Newsbusters was the first patrioblog to respond, noting that Obama isn't a very pious Amishman, because he uses electricity:

...the Amish generally prohibit power-line electricity -- all the time, not just on the weekends. Can you imagine Michelle Obama churning butter in a frock and a bonnet?

Then, Glenn Beck's The Blaze weighed in, reminding readers that the OBAMUNIST USURPER commanded his henchmen at the Graves County District Court to bring the full coercive socialist power of the county to bear against Amish who refused to mount reflective triangles on the backs of their buggies.

And commenters at the Free Republic expressed doubt that "Michelle sews their [the Obama Family's] clothes."

What's next? Will we learn that the Obamas don't build their own furniture or that the daughters play with dolls that have faces?

More importantly, do the Amish elders have the guts to shun the President of the United States?

Obama's Demon Dogs of Sodomy

2012-05-21T02:00:00.002-04:00

Gordon James Klingenschmitt, Chaplain, USN (ret)
PrayinJesusname.org

Dear Chaplain Klingenschmitt,

Secularistoslamists, the gay, and other unwitting tools of the radical vegetarian movement are openly mocking your recent statement about homosexualist demonic possession of animals. This is the kind of ridicule that can destroy a man and a movement. You must rebut them quickly or you will soon become a laughingstock.

I think I can help you. For years, uh, a friend, yeah a friend, of mine and his dog, Butch, have played this game where my friend packs his cave of shame with chunky peanut butter and lets 'ol Butch dig at it with his long, warm dog tongue. There's nothing sexual about it. I mean, it's not like I'm a pervert. Rick Santorum seems to be OK with it--at least he didn't tell me to stop. It just feels so damned good, and man, Butch really likes rooting around in there--it's like he's tonguing the marrow out of a bone.

Anyway, our little peanut butter game turned ugly after the OBAMUNIST USURPER came out in favor of homosexualist marriage. Butch was sitting there in front of the teevee when the OBAMUNIST USURPER said it, and I fear his words prompted demons to seize my little doggy's will.

Now, the game doesn't end with a smoke and a cuddle after the last peanut fragment is excavated. Instead, Butch mounts me, I mean my friend, and goes to town with his newly acquired homosexual lifestyle. There's nothing I can do about it, because Butch's demon freezes the muscles of my body and makes me howl delightfully.

Please use this story as evidence that you're statement about homosexualist demonic possession of animals is true. Just leave the names out of it for Butch's and my friend's sake.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

The Beatitudes of Randian Jesus

2012-05-18T00:43:00.001-04:00

Salige er de saksøkende, for de skal saksøke de jævlene

2012-05-17T00:16:00.004-04:00

The unJesused are in an uproar because Pastor Chuck O’Neal is suing a former congregant for writing a bad review on Google. Currently there are 592 reviews,nearly all of which attack Pastor O'Neal for his litigiousness, at the Beaverton Grace Bible Church Google Maps page.

I felt someone should stand up for him, so I added my own, positive review:

None of these modern, liberal, effeminate churches teach the truth about Jesus. He loved to sue people. There was nothing our Lord and Savior would rather do than drag some spice trader into court and ream him a new one. Heck, he even loved it more than crafting a fine cabernet out of ditch water.

They won't tell you that at the hippy churches, because it ain't in their heretical NIV or KJV Bibles. You gotta to go to the the original scriptures to read what Jesus really said. And by that, I don't mean those written in Greek; you gotta read the originals, the ones written in Norwegian.

Take a look at Matthew 5:7. The KJV believers will tell you it says "Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." That's a lie. If you read that same scripture in Jesus' original Norwegian tongue, it says: "Salige er de saksøkende, for de skal saksøke de jævlene." Translated to American, that means "Blessed are the litigious, for they shall sue the bastards."

The rest of the KJV's translation of the Beatitudes is no better. It leaves out the parts about blessing the torturers, the credit default swap traders, and those who taunt the poor, and, worse yet, the part about how it's unmanly to have sex with women--only an effeminate man would find such a soft and girly body attractive. Real men have sex, very heterosexual sex, with men, only. It's why all the apostles hung around Jesus rather than the Marys.You have to go to the original Norwegian to read that.

I bet they teach the Norwegian Bible at Beaverton Grace Bible Church. Pastor Chuck O’Neal sure sues like Jesus, and he looks like a man who's manly enough to deny his essence to women.

"Feminism Causes Cancer"

2012-05-16T00:35:00.000-04:00

The Thinking Housewife's Laura Wood, or as I like to call her, "Serena Joy," did some hard, traditional-minded thinking and came to this conclusion:

The truth is, feminism causes breast cancer.

Abortion, delayed childbearing, childlessness, lack of breastfeeding, the birth control pill – many medical experts agree these phenomena, all abundantly supported by feminists, are connected to the striking increase in breast cancer in Western women.

Then she did some more thinking--this time about the OBAMUNIST USURPER'S statement about how not-men should be given opportunities to advance in this world--and concluded that such advancement would come at the cost of forsaking the Barbie ideal:

He’s right, of course. It is truly shocking how powerless women are. When I look at this picture of women dressed up as Barbie dolls, it reminds me of how much we have yet to gain. These women could be CEO’s or congresswomen or even PRESIDENT. If not for the Republican War on Women and millennia of oppression, they would be very busy right now. Someday, when equality is achieved, they — or women like them – will ascend the heights of power and become the bureaucratic goddesses they are meant to be.

There is a beautiful mountaintop, a Valhalla where all women will someday reside as CEO’s, congresswomen, college presidents, generals, franchise owners, etc. There they will rule the world, feasting on contraceptives and looking down on the male mortals below, who will have finally gotten their comeuppance. The laughter and shrieks of joy of these divine CEO’s will resound throughout the universe.

Or maybe she's saying that Barbie will rule Valhalla or become the CEO of Asgard Inc. It's hard to figure out what she means:

Obama said yesterday, “You are now poised to make this the century when women shape not only their own destiny, but the destiny of the whole nation.” How stirring! It’s amazing what a good deal a degree at Barnard is. If we are lucky, we may have Barbie as a president this century or, if the Paycheck Fairness Act is passed, Barbie as Ruler of the Universe. Imagine how smoothly things will run. Barbie never makes a false move.

Commenter Natassia tries to clear up the confusion:

And her biggest complaint was that it was always women trying to look like Barbie, rather than men trying to look like Ken...Many of my family members are a part of a culture that exalts physical appearance and particularly “sexiness.” I will not be a hypocrite and claim I was not once a part of it, because I was: nightclubs, calendar shoots, Photoshop, plastic surgery. Interestingly enough, there is a simmering misandry that occasionally bubbles to the surface when we women (or “jackals” as I call us) sit around the table drinking mimosas and mojitos. If one takes the role of Devil’s advocate, the unspoken (and sometimes spoken) accusation is that one is brainwashed by her husband–a ninny who can’t think for herself. My own mother has labeled me as such, and we are no longer on speaking terms.

OK, that didn't help. Perhaps commenter Jane S. can sort it all out:

Feminists would like to do away with monogamous marriage.

But what about Barbie, Amazon Valhalla, and the OBAMUNIST USURPER? "Serena Joy" seems to be telling us that none of that would matter in a traditional polygamous society:

While monogamy is beneficial to women, it is not true that polygamous societies are more oppressive of women than men. In fact, the opposite is true. In a polygamous culture, most women are guaranteed a husband. But a significant minority of men never have wives. Polygamous societies benefit powerful men and leave lower status men stranded. Poor men do not have wives, concubines and slave girls.

So polygamy is the answer. It benefits women by giving them a head of household rather than cancer or some filthy Norse heaven. As for Barbie, maybe that was some kind of zen thing.

Iran: It's Worse Than We Thought

2012-05-15T00:56:00.000-04:00

The patriots who brought us evidence of Saddam's mobile bioweapons labs, intercontinental robotic flying machines of death, and Roombas of the Apocalypse, have released information about an even more sinister weapon development program.

On Sunday, intelligence officials released a drawing of an explosives containment chamber that Iran is using for "nuclear arms-related tests." Looking at the drawing, it seems clear that it is built for nuclear-related rather than conventional explosives because it has fins. It's like the difference between '59 Caddy and '55 Chevy Bel-Air. The fins make all the difference.

But, my research has found that the "containment chamber" is actually something far worse: a rumpus room for a Class B Death Star.

In Embarrassment's Deepest and Most Hellish Depths

2012-05-14T02:44:00.007-04:00

I first wrote about my terrible experience with a femislamunistofascist not-man doctor back in 2006, but, I was reminded of it while having Mothers Day brunch with Ofjoshua--as if something called "brunch" isn't emasculating enough. God, I hope the guys at the shooting range don't hear I had brunch, or worse yet, Sheila the Morale Sheep. Her god damned bleats are sounding more like laughter every day.

Anyway, here's the story:

"Nothing remarkable"
Posted by Gen. JC Christian, Patriot

As many of you may recall, the General had a scare a few weeks ago and ended up in the hospital. At first they thought it was my heart, but they later attributed my chest pain and tightness to some kind of virus in my chest wall--in other words they couldn't figure it out.

My doctor was off that night, so his colleague attended to me. She was a woman, a product of the seventies era feminism which has elevated women from the nursing positions God ordained for them and made them into physicians.

Taking note that my blood sugar level was high, she began to examine my body for signs of diabetes. I was very wary of allowing a woman to examine me, but my reluctance was over-ridden by the fog of morphine which clouded my mind. She started by examining my feet and ankles and then worked her way up my body. When she reached my little soldier's position, she lifted the front of my briefs and peered inside and said--and I am not kidding--she said, "Nothing remarkable, here."

I immediately glanced in the direction of Mrs. Christian who upon seeing my reaction, burst into laughter. It was humiliating. Here I was, restrained by the chains of morphine and the brutish authoritarian repression of the IV bottle and was was not in a position to escape these women's sadistic jabs at the expense of my most valued member, the part of me that makes me who I am.'

Since then, the remark and the accompaning laughter have haunted me. I am a man, dammit, and my little soldier is muscular and manly. Sure, he might not be the biggest brute in the neighborhood, but, by God, he's wirery.

And, it was cold in that hospital room. Yes, that's it. We've all experienced shrinkage due to a chill. You know what I'm saying is true.

Besides, as I've noted before, the whole size thing is a meme promoted by the feminists to make regular guys like myself feel insecure. Well, I'm not going to let them get away with it. I'll love my little soldier despite his size and lethargy.

Does anyone know where I can buy a Humvee?

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Testimony: Homosexualist Homociders like Judas Iscariot Took Roofies and Licked Hillary's Anus to Turn Her All Lebanese

2012-05-11T20:25:00.003-04:00

Dicks, Homosexualists, a Big-Headed Dog, and Bacony Proof that Jesus is Our Lord

2012-05-10T19:14:00.006-04:00

I've wondered about the State of Washington's commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle ever since the first Twilight book came out.

Here's undeniable proof that God exists:

No, I did not feed Cassie any chocolate, but it wouldn't matter if I did. She's a manly dog. She could handle it.

Colbert Rebuked with Sr Helena's Great and Terrible Ruler of Horrible Retribution

2012-05-10T00:14:00.002-04:00

Sr Helena Burns, fsp, a "Media nun [who] tweets Media Literacy, Theology of Body, Philosophy, [and] overlooked Catholic news" is one angry Bride of Christ. She's channelling Der Pöpenführer's recent rage against her socialist, poverty-fighting sisters and redirecting it at the world's worst Catholic, Stephen Colbert. Why? Well, Mr Colbert made a joke about about Timothy Cardinal Dolan's immaculate unit:

Of course, now some, some critics have said in response to this that if the Catholic church's insurance does not cover Sandra Fluke's birth control, it shouldn't cover Cardinal Dolan's Viagra.

Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, that's called celibacy plus. That's how the pros do it. Because chastity is one thing, but it shows true commitment to uphold your vows when you are sporting a crook you could hang a miter on. Oh, wow, see you at mass on Sunday, sir?

Here's her response:

Sr Helena Burns, fsp ‏ @SrHelenaBurns
Agree w @FatherJimChern that Colbert went too far vulgarly slamming @CardinalDolan . No one got slammed harder. Oh, except maybe Jesus.
(Link)

Yes, someone always gets hurt when people get to funnin', and that someone is always Jesus.

Sister Burns continues:

Sr Helena Burns, fsp ‏ @SrHelenaBurns
Here's full text of what Colbert said to/about @CardinalDolan @ TIME's 100 most influential people gala. Beyond vulgar.
(Link)

Sr Helena Burns, fsp ‏ @SrHelenaBurns
Colbert & I are definitely not the same religion. Read his entire short address VERY carefully
(Link)

Sr Helena Burns, fsp ‏ @SrHelenaBurns
Colbert is younger gen's sacred cow. When sez "I'm Catholic" means he can get away w anything & gives them a pass 2 do same
(Link)

Sr Helena Burns, fsp ‏ @SrHelenaBurns
@williamPriceIII A true Catholic would never say those things. To be Catholic: orthodoxy, orthopraxis and some modicum of charity/respect.
(Link)

Then, Mrs. Christ gets to the real reason Colbert so rudely referred to Cardinal Dolan's Small but Mighty Staff of Strapping Young Congregant Correction--the reason he didn't actually mention in his remarks--Colbert is jealous about the close, Christ-based relationship so many priests have with altar boys:

Sr Helena Burns, fsp ‏ @SrHelenaBurns
If Colbert (or whoever wrote Dolan attack) is ticked over priest abuse scandal-just have courage 2 say so. I'm still ticked, 2.
(Link)

But then, again, maybe it isn't about altar boy abuse. Maybe it's about something far worse:

Sr Helena Burns, fsp ‏ @SrHelenaBurns
I dont think Colbert's Dolan attack IS abt priest abuse scandal. Its abt precious birth control-WHOLE talk pretty clear
(Link)

It's all part of the sad, sorry, plight of American Catholics. No doubt it's something the six Catholic Supreme Court justices face every day.

Sr Helena Burns, fsp ‏ @SrHelenaBurns
Am Caths have 2 b stupidest religious people on planet. World heaps dung on us & we dont even know its dung. We laugh & say tx: more please!
(Link)

Sr Helena Burns, fsp ‏ @SrHelenaBurns
I'm tweetin' angry. Prolly not a good idea. Kinda like tweetin' drunk. Gonna stop now. :]
(Link)

Sr Helena Burns, fsp ‏ @SrHelenaBurns
@williamPriceIII A bit of hyperbole. But really, how COULD Colbert and I possibly be the same religion? I just don't recognize when he spks
(Link)

North Carolina, Uppity Negroes, and Pushy Homosexualists

2012-05-09T00:30:00.000-04:00

Why is it that Confederate-Americans make the best historians? For years, good, godly, proudly white, Confederate-minded men like Pat Buchanan and others have been breaking ground with research proving slavery was a good thing.

Now, Bernhard Thuersam, Chairman of the North Carolina War Between the States Sesquicentennial Commission, tells us that greedy yankees, uppity Negroes, and abolitionists forced the good people of the Tarheel State to pass laws against emancipation:

Emancipation sentiment was ascendant in the South after 1783 though Northern inventions like the cotton gin and mills hungry for raw cotton perpetuated the existence of slave labor on Southern plantations. Fearful of slave revolts as the black population grew, and shaken by the Nat Turner massacre of women and children, Southerners erected anti-emancipation laws to control slave populations. The constant agitation of slave revolt by abolitionist fanatics culminating in John Brown’s crime in Virginia, was an effective means to end even voluntary emancipation in the South. Peaceful emancipation initiatives from the North would have had a better effect and avoided war.

All those complaining about last night's Amendment One results should take a lesson from Brother Thuersam's historical account. The good people of North Carolina wouldn't have passed Amendment One if homosexualists wouldn't go around demanding basic human rights.

Good News for Born Again Christians: Jesus Makes Your Brain Atrophy

2012-05-08T00:21:00.002-04:00

Little did I know that on the day I accepted Jesus into my heart after He helped me win a catfish noodling trophy, the Lord also gave me a second trophy: my brain. That's the conclusion of a new study from Duke University. After studying 268 men and women aged 58 and over, they found that being born again in the blood of Jesus results in brain atrophy:

Significantly greater hippocampal atrophy was observed for participants reporting a life-changing religious experience. Significantly greater hippocampal atrophy was also observed from baseline to final assessment among born-again Protestants...compared with Protestants not identifying as born-again.

I know that sounds all sciency and stuff, but it's good. Jesus makes our brain atropy, all gold and shiny and wow, I want to be born again again.

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GOP moves Native Americans up on its list of people to hate

2012-05-07T00:09:00.001-04:00

Amanda Somers
GOP Candidate For South Carolina Senate

Dear Mrs. Somers,

I'm gladdened to hear you've recruited Todd Kincannon to serve on your team. As a former General Counsel and Executive Director of the South Carolina GOP and a member of the Republican National Committee, I'm sure his experience will be a tremendous asset for your campaign.

But it's Mr. Kincannon's keen mind for innovation that will serve you best. While the rest of the Party is content to build its base by simply persecuting the same old "others" (women, gays, Muslims, Mexicans, and Blacks), Todd is breaking new ground on twitter by viciously attacking Native Americans.

Here, for example, Todd makes a genocide joke that I'm sure will be a big hit at the next National Convention:

Todd Kincannon ‏@ToddKincannon
Hey Injuns, how about eight syphilis-free seashells for North Dakota? RT @AblativMeatshld: just don't offer blankets. They are onto that one
(Link}

"Injuns." Ha ha. It's as funny as when as a white guy calls a black guy a "nigger."

Here's another:

Todd Kincannon ‏ @ToddKincannon
Nobody expects the Injun Inquisition! RT @JDNelson_68W: @MissNativeLis Careful Todd, you'll wake up to a casino in your back yard.
(Link)

But the really clever thing is how he's mastered the ability to denigrate multiple groups at the same time. Here, he asks a young Native American minor to send him photos of her naked body:

Todd Kincannon ‏ @ToddKincannon
@MissNativeLis Hey Squaw: You need to post some more body pics. You might be hot neck-down. You're ok neck-up but not great.
(Link)

The use of the word "squaw" makes it even funnier. It's traditionally used to portray Native American women as being slutty. Native American women consider it the same as being called a "cunt," something he called Nancy Pelosi, awhile back.

Hilarious, isn't it.

Finally, here's an example of him using "squaw" and "injun" in another genocide joke. It just doesn't get more teaparty funny than that.

Todd Kincannon ‏ @ToddKincannon
This squaw, @MissNativeLis, is awful sore about the syphilis blankets and firewater comments from earlier. I *am* a Injun, ma'am. (Link)

Perhaps you could work some of these into your speeches. I'm sure Todd can give you a hand.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblically acceptable, and proudly white kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

An Evil So Heinous I Dare Not Post it Here

2012-05-05T19:36:00.003-04:00

But I will link to it: Live Kitten Cam.

Update: OK, I'll add a screencap. Brace yourselves.

The Republican War FOR Women

2012-05-05T03:41:00.000-04:00

Republicans, Get In My Vagina! from Kate Beckinsale

Mormon Movie Night: "Oh, I so wanted to be an 8 cow wife."

2012-05-04T21:57:00.009-04:00

Every Mormon teen is required to attend daily seminary classes. Tonight, we're viewing a classic film strip and movie from the seminary archives. Both shows are set in Lamanite (Jewish Indians/Polynesians) communities.

First, Johnny Lingo -- Johnny Lingo pays a whopping eight cows for his wife. Here's what one reviewer had to say about it: "We used to watch this after baptisms for the dead. Oh, I so wanted to be an 8 cow wife."

Next, Tom Trails, Episode 9 -- Tom Trails picks up his rifle and sets out to bear his testimony of the gospel to his neighbor, Sam. When Sam is found shot that night, Tom is arrested and sent to jail. Only the Elders and a vial of olive oil can save him, now.

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Homosexualists are Turning Us All Islamo-Mexican

2012-05-04T00:39:00.000-04:00

Senator Peter S. Brunstetter
North Carolina Senate

Dear Sen. Brunstetter,

It was bad enough that the homosexualist's radical push for love desegregation was destroying all of Newt's marriages, but now, your wife is telling us that it will lead to something far worse. At least that's what Pam Spaulding, whose commitment to the heterosexualist lifestyle is admittedly questionable, is saying:

Ms. Brunstetter said her husband was the architect of Amendment 1 [The NC initiative that, to paraphrase the late George Wallace, guarantees love segregation now, love segregation tomorrow, and love segregation forever] and one of the reasons he wrote it was to protect the Caucasian race.

That scares the hell out of me. I don't want marriage equality to turn me into some kind of Islamo-Mexican. Heck, it's probably happening already. Look at Speaker Boehner, he's not nearly as "white and delightsome" as he was a few years ago--he's already a good two-fifths or 1,500 milliliters on his way to being one of Mitt's Mayan Hebrews.

The vote is just 4 days away. Hopefully, the homosexualists won't be able to raise the money they need to sway the remaining undecideds.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Another Patriot "Goes Postal All Second Amendment"

2012-05-03T00:20:00.003-04:00

JT Ready was a patriot's patriot. He was the president of Mesa Community College Republican Club and a Maricopa County Republican precinct committeeman. He was a conservative candidate for congress and for the Pinal (AZ) County Sheriff.

Mr Ready was a certified pistol and personal protection instructor for the National Rifle Association and Arizona State certified as Armed and Ready. JT completed a concealed carry course. He was an approved pepper spray instructor, and was certified for tactical shotgun, tactical baton, fingerprinting and a licensed bounty hunter in the State of Arizona. He was also awarded a perfect attendance certificate from Mulberry High.

Mr Ready was a god-fearing man. Former Arizona Senator Russell Pierce, the driving force behind Arizona's immigration laws, ordained Ready into the Mormon Church's Melchizedek priesthood.

Mr. Ready fought the Mexicans and patrolled the border as the founder of the US Border Guard, Minutemen Civil Defense Corps, and Americans First.

And he always wore camo.

Yes. JT Ready was a patriot's patriot. But something strange happened on Tuesday. J.T. Ready, patriot, put on his body armor, armed himself with two pistols and a shotgun, and shot Lisa Maderos, her boyfriend, her daughter, Amber Maderos, and her 18-month-old daughter, Lilly, before taking his own life.

But then again, maybe he didn't do it. The Arizona patriots who run his facebook page blame it on Mexicans:

Reports are unconfirmed that a cartel assassination squad murdered JT Ready and several of his friends and family this afternoon in Gilbert Arizona. This page's admin will keep you updated of the situation as soon as possible.

Elsewhere: Ready's fellow patriots defend him.

Previously: