The Mule

Love Is The Answer: Ten Creative Ways to Strengthen Attachment

2012-03-03T15:25:00.000-08:00

Attachment - the invisible threads that connect us to our children - woven from elements no lab could ever replicate: Love, Time, Connection, Closeness, Understanding...to name just a few.

A healthy, strong and positive attachment means happier, calmer children who grow into adults who are better able to cope with life and make happy and healthy attachments with others. Through you they are learning about the joy of 'relationship', about how wonderful life can be when you connect deeply with another person, when your eyes meet in laughter, when you love freely and without constraint.

For some, attachment comes naturally from the moment of birth, but for others, the weaving of the threads can take longer, perhaps because of a traumatic labour, unsuccessful breastfeeding, difficult life circumstances, or even spectres from our own childhood that can suddenly rear up and haunt us when we become mothers and fathers ourselves. Still others miss the first days or even months or years of their child's life - perhaps in the case of severe illness or adoption.

No matter whether we feel our attachment to our children is vibrant and strong or struggling and weak, if it has come easily and naturally, or has been more hard won or complex - everyone can benefit from deepening the parent-child connection. In all relationships, there is always room for improvement, effort, maintenance and repairs. And the effort brings great rewards for all concerned. As John Lennon said, "Love is the answer, and you know that for sure."

The following are ten practical ways to connect or reconnect. It's up to you to decide which will be the most appealing, helpful or age-appropriate for you and your child.

Mirror Mirror
In this activity, one person pretends to be the other's reflection in the mirror, copying as carefully as possible their movements. You might like to ask your child to be the 'reflection' first, so that they can get an idea of how the game works, in particular that slow, steady movements are best. (small children may struggle with this, but don't let that spoil the fun!) Try -

setting the game to music
keeping constant eye contact
not making any eye contact
just mirroring each others faces

Why? Connects, tunes you in to each other, recreates the early mirroring that takes place between parent and child.

Playing Baby

Let your child pretend to be 'the baby'. They might want to dress up, or find old baby items such as bibs, blankets, dummies (even if they never used one!), or a favourite teddy. Try to remember the way you used to be towards them when they were tiny, and the things you used to do, for example singing lullabies or rocking them in your arms. If, for whatever reason, you missed your child's babyhood, try to imagine how you would have liked things to have been (and bear in mind that this exercise will be particularly powerful for you both). In all cases, be prepared that your child might want to show you their feelings about the loss of their babyhood through this play. Try -

lots of loving eye contact
peekaboo games
silly faces and sounds
swapping roles

Why? Playful, nurturing, regressive, may fill child's need for intense love and attention.

Hairdressers

Gather together any slides, bands, combs and hairbrushes you have in the house, and 'pretend' to be hairdressers. Take time to do each other's hair, in front of a mirror, or not, as you prefer. Very soft 'baby' hairbrushes are perfect for this activity. Try -

letting your child wet the brush - children love water play!
'getting your nails done too', perhaps with hand cream, or even polish if you are feeling brave!

Why? Sensory, fun, nurturing, attentive, bonding through grooming and touch.

Co-Sleeping

You might have shared a bed with your child when they were smaller, but if you didn't, or don't any more, you might like to have a special night when you invite them to snuggle up in your bed with you. If you don't want to have your child sleeping in your bed on a regular basis, make sure you explain clearly that this is a one-off - a bit like going camping. Remember that offering love and nurture to your child in any situation does NOT create 'bad habits', in fact, quite the opposite; it teaches them how to love and nurture themselves, and to enjoy positive and trusting relationships as they grow to adulthood. Try -

torches or safely used candles for story time
a made up story instead of one from a book
a special name for the experience, e.g. Snuggle Night, or Magical Dream Bed.

Why? Brings closeness, bonding, nurturing, makes child feel special.

Bath Fun

Take time to have a special bath with your child, that is all about playfulness and fun (and not really about washing or getting clean!). Add their favourite toys and give yourself permission to forget your adult world and just be present for the experience. Try -

Special bubbles, bath confetti, bath bombs or a new soap.
Letting them wash your hair
Writing words / drawing pictures on each other's backs and trying to guess what they say / are.

Why? Physical contact, sensory play, regression to early babyhood skin to skin contact, fun.

Get Cooking

Even if you don't normally cook or bake, have a go with your child at making something simple that you both can enjoy. Put on your aprons and be prepared to get messy. Let yourselves both get carried away and don't worry too much about the finished product. Try -

Making and decorating cupcakes with colours and sprinkles
Baking bread - easier than you think! Sprinkle in some seeds too.
Cheese sauce - lots of stirring needed!
Play-dough - add food colour, glitter and a drop of essential oil for sensory play.

Why? Sensory play, creative, shared experience, learning together, food is nurture.

Activity Rolodex

Create an 'Activity Rolodex' with your child. Take some blank postcards and ask your child to name all their favourite things that they love to do with you. Add some of your own and suggest ideas if you need to. Use images to accompany the words so that they are accessible to non-readers. Keep the cards in a special box to use as a resource - just pick one randomly whenever you are looking for something to do. Try -

outdoors and indoor activities
activities which are free e.g. skipping or dancing
saying 'yes' to ALL your child's suggestions

Why? Gives the message,'I'm listening', learn about your child, bonding, fun, child centred.

Book Den

Build a den, tent or snug corner in your living room or garden, depending on the weather, with the specific purpose of reading story books. Fill it with cushions, blankets, teddies and anything else that feels right or fun. Ask your child to gather together all of their favourite books and spend as much time as you can spare reading aloud together in your literary hideaway! Try -

Taking in a special treat snack such a homemade popcorn or even chocolate!
Reading a special book from your own childhood
Talking about the stories and how they make you both feel

Why? Bonding, nurturing, fun, snuggly, intimate and special.

Build a Monument

Go outside, to your garden, park, or better still, your nearest woods or beach. Using only material that you find on the ground (i.e. no picking flowers or pulling bits off trees!), make a 'monument', or work of art together, that you both feel represents you and your relationship. Young children will usually take this quite literally and will enjoy making people or faces out of twigs and leaves. You might add in elements, large or subtle, to reflect your own experience and feelings. Above all, enjoy the shared experience of mutual creativity in the great outdoors. Try -

Making a boundary around the monument to keep feelings and materials contained.
Remind yourselves that all ideas are good ideas, and that you can't get this wrong.

Why? Creative, meaningful, memorable, shared experience, that shows you really care what they think and feel.

Join them in Their World

How wonderful does it make you feel when someone takes a genuine and specific interest in something that is meaningful to you? And yet often, when it comes to small children, if they become absorbed in an activity, we breathe a sigh of relief and leave them to it, glad to have a moment to ourselves. It's important that we do this, but it's also important that we connect with our children and take an interest in the things that matter to them. Try -

Getting down on the floor and joining in the game
Asking questions about a particular game, activity or hobby
Watching their favourite film or program with them

Why? Gives a very strong message that you are interested in them and their world. Connection and love can be found in surprising places, even in front of CBeebies!

Do feel free, as usual, to add your own suggestions in the comments below.

.

March on Amazon - Ways to Help

2012-03-01T14:35:00.000-08:00

Nearly six months ago, I began a campaign to ask Amazon not to stock books, such as To Train up a Child, that advocate the physical abuse of children.
The petition I created now has over ELEVEN THOUSAND signatures, many of them leading experts and campaigners in the fields of children's rights and child psychology.
And yet, Amazon refuse to make any response.
This month, I am hoping to change this with a new campaign: March on Amazon. For the entire month, I will be asking for your help to increase the pressure on this global corporation to take note of the petition, and in doing so take a stand against the inhuman treatment of children outlined in some of the books they currently sell.

Here are some ways that you can help:

Boycott Amazon:
This campaign is now calling for a FULL BOYCOTT. Until Amazon make a response, please take your business elsewhere.

Contact Amazon:
Call the UK Press Office - 020 8636 9280
The UK Press Office is fully aware of this petition. However, please call them to remind them! If you do not get an answer, please leave a message on their answer machine.

Call Ben from the UK Press Office - 07899 897 641
The person who is dealing with the petition is called Ben. Again, please leave a brief and polite message on his voicemail.

Email the UK Press Office:
pressoffice@amazon.co.uk

Call the US Press Office - (206) 266-7180

Email the US Press Office:
amazon-pr@amazon.com

Email Jeff Bezos:
And of course, if you want to try going right to the top, you can email Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos - bezosj@amazon.com

Use Social Media:

Write on Amazon's Facebook Wall - just a link to the petition will suffice.

Share links on Facebook - to the petition, or other info about the campaign

Follow the campaign on Facebook - www.facebook.com/amazonpetition

Tweet - If you twitter, then please tweet about this with the hashtag #marchonamazon

Follow the campaign on Twitter @amazonpetition

Blog about the petition, and let me know about it!

Get a Petition Widget for your blog or website - here is the code:

<div id="change_BottomBar"><span id="change_Powered"><a href="http://www.change.org/" target="_blank">Change.org</a></span><a>|</a><span id="change_Start">Start an <a href="http://www.change.org/petition" target="_blank">Online Petition</a> »</span></div> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://e.change.org:80/flash_petitions_widget.js?width=180&petition_id=65168&color=1A3563"></script>

You might also like to get in touch with anyone 'high profile' who you think may support the campaign. Email, tweet or Facebook any celebrity, journalist, writer, campaigner, who you think would be interested or helpful.

And please contact me if you have any further suggestions.

Meanwhile, thank you for your tireless support in this campaign.

Press Release: Amazon Children's Right's Petition Calls For Boycott

2012-02-29T13:29:00.001-08:00

PRESS RELEASE:

AMAZON CHILDREN'S RIGHT'S PETITION CALLS FOR BOYCOTT

Over ELEVEN THOUSAND signatures
Amazon refuse to respond
Organisers Call for Full Boycott
Leading Experts, Thinkers and Campaigners Have Signed

The petition now has over ELEVEN THOUSAND SIGNATURES but Amazon still refuse to make any response.

You can view the petition here:
http://www.change.org/petitions/jeff-bezos-amazon-ceo-refuse-to-carry-books-which-advocate-the-physical-abuse-of-children

Call for Boycott
Until today, this petition has not suggested that the signatories boycott Amazon. However, we now feel that Amazon should no longer continue to ignore this issue and, until they make a response to the petition, the campaign will be urging signatories to completely boycott the company until further notice.

Quotes from To Train up a Child
Here are some quotations from one of the books concerned, To Train up a Child. They make disturbing reading, but it's important to be clear about the extremity of the book's content:

"If he continues to show defiance by jerking around and defending himself, or by expressing anger, wait a moment, lecture again, and again spank him until it’s obvious he’s totally broken."

"Switch him 8-10 times on his bare legs or bottom. While waiting for the pain to subside, speak calm words of rebuke. If his crying turns to a true, wounded, submissive whimper, you have conquered; he has submitted his will. If his crying is still defiant, protesting, and other than a response to pain, spank him again. If this is the first time he’s come up against someone tougher than he is, it may take awhile…if you stop before he is voluntarily submissive, you have confirmed to him the value and effectiveness of a screaming protest!"

"If you have to sit on him to spank him, then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he has surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring, and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally…A general rule is to continue the disciplinary action until the child has surrendered."

High Profile Support
There are many notable signatories; leading experts, campaigners and commentators on the issues of child development, corporal punishment, religious child maltreatment and violence against children. They include:

Prof George.W.Holden, Professor of Psychology, SMU, Chair of the Global Summit on Ending Corporal Punishment and Promoting Positive Discipline, 2011, Dallas, TX. Prof Holden's research at the Holden Lab focuses on understanding the determinants and significance of the parent-child relationship in development.
Robert Fathman Ph.D, Clinical Psychologist, Co-Founder of the Center for Effective Discipline and the National Coalition to Abolish Corporal Punishment in Schools. Co-Chair EPOCH-USA (End Physical Punishment of Children, part of an international federation of organizations seeking to end corporal punishment of children)
Sue Gerhardt, Psycholanalytic Psychotherapist, author of bestselling book Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes A Baby's Brain, and The Selfish Society.
Nadine Block, co-founder of the Center for Effective Discipline, co-chair of EPOCH-USA, author of This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You
Peter Newell, Coordinator of the Global Initiative to End All Corporal Punishment of Children, and long term advocate for children's rights in the UK and internationally. In England he chaired the NGO Children’s Rights Alliance from 1992 to 2002 and is Coordinator of the Children are Unbeatable! Alliance, campaigning for abolition of all corporal punishment. Together with his partner, Rachel Hodgkin, he prepared UNICEF’s Implementation Handbook for the Convention on the Rights of the Child. He has worked frequently as a consultant for UNICEF, in particular advising on general measures for implementation of the Convention and on establishment of independent human rights institutions for children. He is also Adviser to the European Network of Ombudspeople for Children.
Margaret Sims, Professor of Early Childhood, University of New England, NSW, Australia, author of numerous books, book chapters, journal articles, and reports, all with focus on the importance of early childhood. Of particular note to this campaign is Policy Brief no.20 on Physical Punishment.
Andrew Grogan-Kaylor, Associate Professor, University of Michigan School of Social Work, author of extensive research on corporal punishment, in which he has "consistently found that parental use of corporal punishment is associated with undesirable increases in outcomes like antisocial behavior, and anxiety/depression among children."
Jordan Riak, Founder and Executive Director of Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education
Margarita Cala, M.D., Attending Psychiatrist, NYU School of Medicine
Frank Schaeffer, author, film director, screenwriter, activist
Stefan Molyneux of Freedomain Radio
Janet Heimlich, author of Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment
Samuel Martin, biblical scholar and author of Thy Rod and Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy
Wendy Priesnitz, Owner and Editor, Natural Life Magazine, leading environmental and educational advocate, founder of the Canadian Alliance of Home Schoolers, author of numerous books. Wendy commented: Neither I nor my book publishing business does business with amazon.com. That's my way of protesting this and many other issues.
Kjelene Bertrand, Producer of NTR Radio Network
Norm Lee, Parenting Without Punishing
James C. Talbot, author of The Road to Positive Discipline, A Parent's Guide
Al Crowell, Board member of Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education for ten years, Co-author of pamphlet The Nonviolent Christian Parent: Raising Children with Love, Limits, and Wisdom
Michael Goldfield, Child Advocate and Board member of Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education
Hermana Linda, Campaigner, whynottrainachild.com
Reginald Leamon Robinson, Professor of Law, Howard University School of Law, Washington DC, expert in children in the law and child maltreatment, author of three critical essays about child maltreatment,advocate for conscious parenting.
Deb Sendek, Director, Center for Effective Discipline, Child Abuse Prevention Specialist.
Dr. Madeleine Y. Gómez, PTAVE Board member, President and founder of PsycHealth, Ltd, co-author This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You.
Revd Giles Fraser, former Canon Chancellor of St Paul's Catherdral, writer for The Guardian, regular contributor to BBC Radio 4 Thought for the Day, founder and President, Inclusive Church.

Contact:
I am a full time mother and based in Somerset, UK. I would therefore appreciate it, if you wish to discuss this further, if you would be so kind as to email me and we can then arrange a mutually convenient time to speak on the phone.

Milli Hill, Organiser of Petition to Amazon
www.facebook.com/amazonpetition
mamamule.blogspot.com

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother - Book Review and Giveaway

2012-02-17T14:15:00.010-08:00

Amy Chua's memoir was an international bestseller when first published a year ago, and caused a storm of controversy. The book, a description of her approach to raising her two American children the 'Chinese way', touched personal, cultural and political nerves, with many branding her parenting as abusive and extreme. In the midst of the storm, others noted that nerves get touched for good reason, and that perhaps the Western world wouldn't be in total decline - unlike China - if we all had a Tiger Mother to urge us on.

It's not surprising that Chua's book pushed buttons, for her descriptions of the methods she used to drill, coach and shape her children into musical prodigies and academic achievers are at times jaw dropping. Right from the first page she tells of how her two girls were not allowed to attend sleepovers or playdates, be in the school play or get a grade lower than A, but, as the book goes on, she confesses stories which have now become notorious: threatening to shut her three year old out in the freezing cold for refusing to play the piano in the way she was asked, telling her six year old she would burn all her stuffed animals if she didn't play the piano perfectly, calling her children 'garbage', and, when they were seven and four, rejecting the birthday cards that they had made for her on the grounds that they were simply not good enough.

You'd think that a parent like me - a touchy-feely Westerner who is largely opposed to punishing children, especially her own - would despise a parent like Chua. And I wanted to, believe me, I wanted to hate her, and absolutely shred her book in this review. But then, as I read, two things began to happen. First of all, I realised that Chua had her tongue in her cheek slightly, and was setting out to spark debate and prove a point. Secondly, I really started to like her. Her simple, clear storytelling belies her fierce intelligence: don't think for a moment that Chua, a Yale Professor of Law, hasn't considered carefully all of this issues the book raises plus a few more. Her anecdotal style interspersed with the odd bit of observation had me turning the pages, but most of all, her book made me feel uncomfortable, it challenged me, shaking up my assumptions and forcing me to unpick and reconsider some of my more dearly held values and beliefs. This is not a parenting manual, and Chua never tries to assert that her way is the best or only way. But by offering us this starkly contrasting view point, she does what all good writers should - she makes us question, she makes us think.

What is the role of a parent? Do we wish to be our children's friend, their ally, taking their thoughts and feelings seriously and allowing them to make their own decisions, take their own choices, make their own mistakes? Do we shower them with praise and let them know that we love them, no matter how small their achievements? And are we sensitive to their feelings, always considering their emotional experience above all else and striving to protect and strengthen their mental health? Chua thinks not. She has no desire whatsoever to be liked by her children, and seems to control their lives down to the smallest detail. She doesn't believe in telling them they have done a 'good job' unless they have achieved something really exceptional, assuming that if they do not excel it is not because they have reached their limit, but simply that they did not work hard enough. And she doesn't subscribe at all to the Western view that children's feelings should be protected, rather she assumes that they are, 'strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it.'

To our child-centred Western ears, this seems like a harsh approach, with no consideration for the child's experience (let alone a hundred years or more of developmental psychology). But Chua assures us that, by initially forcing our children to apply themselves to a task, we create what she calls a 'virtuous circle'. Initially, our child will resist, complain and generally be made unhappy by our actions. But, if we ignore their feelings and push through this phase, something wonderful will happen - they will begin to excel. With excellence comes praise, admiration, confidence, and even fun. As Chua puts it, 'What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.'. We might think we are being kind to our children by allowing them to steer the ship along side of us. But could it be that, if we behave more as their equals than their masters, we are actually failing them, cheating them of the chance to reach the absolute limits of their potential?

Chua's description of what she refers to as 'generational decline' struck a particular chord with me. She describes what she feels is certainly a pattern among Chinese immigrants to the States in the last fifty years. The immigrant generation, (like her own parents) are hard-working, and often work their way up from nothing to become successful and respected professionals. They pour everything they do and earn into their children's education and future. The next generation will be high achieving, and find themselves even higher up the work and money ladder than their parents. However, their children, born into a life of wealth and privelige their forbears could only have dreamed of, will often be disobedient, ignore career advice, and be 'headed straight for decline'. This is Chua's greatest fear for her children, and the outcome she hopes her strict parenting methods will guard against.

There are strong echoes of my own history in this cautionary tale. On both sides of my family, my grandparents had the bare minimum of education and lived much of their early lives in poverty. On my mothers side, my grandmother's family 'came over on the boat' from Ireland to the slums of Liverpool, and my grandfather was one of twelve children. My paternal grandparents emigrated from the UK to Canada in the 1920's, and lived through the Depression, when they would move house in secret every week to avoid paying the rent.

On both sides of the family, there was a hugely strong work ethic, and both my mother and father were taught by their parents to 'graft', 'work your way up' and 'better yourself'. Having left school with barely any qualifications, they were jointly determined for a better life for me, and felt that the key to this was a private education. Through a seemingly endless combination of business ventures and by-the-hour jobs, they put me through a fee-paying school where I did well academically, going on to be the first person in my family's history to attend University.

I felt my heart sink slightly as I read Chua's words about generational decline. I thought of my own life now; in spite of my Ivy League degree and hugely expensive education, I've never really 'got on in life' the way my parents and grandparents would probably have liked, working as a hot-shot lawyer or high-flying executive, and earning the big salary with matching house and car that life denied to them. Instead I've lived it up, partied, dipped in and out of a few careers and now given up the only really serious one - therapy - to be a full time stay at home mother. And now that it is my turn to parent, my focus is entirely based around my own children growing up happy, mentally healthy and well adjusted. They are still very small, but nevertheless I have given barely a moments concern to their education, their careers or their financial futures. I have told myself that none of this matters, and that to be kind, considerate, happy and creative are the only things that really count in life. Is this the right way to be, or am I doing my hard grafting parents and grandparents a great disservice here, squandering the opportunities they desperately craved for themselves and bought for me with the sweat of their brow? And am I letting my children down too, instilling in them a rose-tinted view of the world that might find them, somewhere down the line, a jolly nice person that everybody likes, living in a cheap flat without qualifications or prospects?

What really matters in life? And what does it mean to be a 'successful person'? Chua's excellent book forces us to consider this, although she herself makes no claim to have the answers, asking in the closing paragraph, 'Given that life is so short and fragile, surely each of us should be trying to get the most out of every breath, every fleeting moment. But what does it mean to live life to its fullest?'. No matter what our zodiacal sign, cultural background or parenting philosophy, if we love our children deeply and want the best for them we need to ask ourselves this question. Like Chua, we need to answer with humour, be brutally honest, and perhaps even risk making ourselves unpopular. We may subscribe to a very different world view to the Tiger Mother, but her book reminds us that, whatever we decide, our values and beliefs will shape our children's future, and that of generations to come.

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is published by Bloomsbury and is available in paperback from all good booksellers.

I was not paid to write this review and all views expressed are entirely my own.

The draw to win a free copy is now closed.
To pick the winners, I used a random number generator from www.random.org.
The winners are -

Will Spooner
Aletta
Catherine T
Maureen DeLongis
Maddy from Developing Doulas

Please contact me with your address and the publisher will send you a copy.

Thank you to all of you who entered, and who joined in this fascinating discussion!

.

Should We Share Images of Our Children Online?

2012-02-09T14:20:00.000-08:00

Over the past few days, women around the world have been holding 'nurse ins' to protest at the removal of breastfeeding images by social networking giant, Facebook. It seemed a bit ironic therefore, that while Lactivists were holding a global 'Boob Out', I was busy taking down photo after beautiful photo of breastfeeding women and children from this blog. Slowly but surely, I deleted images from a gallery of Breastfeeding Beyond One, and then from a comic post about nursing in public Boobylicious Baby Feeders Unique Portable Travel System. And I didn't stop there. I then erased photos from all of the guest posts on birth, and a few extras of parents and children from around the blog.

I've already said a little bit about my reasons for taking this action, but I'd like to give more detail in this post. Whilst it may at times make uncomfortable reading, I think it's relevant, not just to this blog, but to all of us who are parents and who, to one degree or another, share photos of our children in cyberspace.

So, let me tell you the story. The fact that there might be a problem, and that individuals might be finding this blog for all the wrong reasons, came to my attention in two ways. The first was by seeing, via a part of Blogger called 'Stats', the words and phrases that people were typing into search engines that were subsequently leading them to my blog. And the second was by two rather disturbing comments left on the post, Amazon, We Find Child Abuse Offensive.

Let's look at the issue of search terms first. Somehow it seems that the stars have collided and through a combination of naivety and coincidence I've managed to bring together in one place a collection of words that you wouldn't necessarily associate with a blog about parenting. Here they are:

breast / breast feeding - from a selection of breastfeeding posts
nude - from the post Acceptance Nude about post pregnancy bodies
bending over naked - from a description of my own post natal body in Acceptance Nude
spanking - from a guest post about corporal punishment: Spanking, Regret and Parenting in Technicolour
child abuse - from the post title Amazon, We Find Child Abuse Offensive
xxx - on many of my replies to comments I have ended with three kisses - Triple X
the mule - this pseudonym has an association with child abuse

So, it turns out that someone googling any combination of the above terms could find their way to my blog. A while back, myself and blog followers on Facebook shared a titter about this, when I discovered that someone had found a picture of my wrinkly post birth tummy after googling ''bending over nude'. I thought this was a one off, but of course, it wasn't, and my laughter turned to concern when I started to see search terms such as 'breastfeeding xxx'.

Then there were the comments. The first, a few weeks ago, made reference to the connection between 'The Mule' and child abuse. I don't want to give any more detail about this connection, but the comment disturbed me, as it was clearly left by someone who either had ill intent towards children, or a sick sense of humour, or both. Then, about a week ago, another anonymous comment was left. This second comment was extremely unpleasant in its content, and left me feeling deeply concerned. Both comments were anonymous, and left on the post 'Amazon, We Find Child Abuse Offensive'.

I wondered what to do, and gave the matter much thought. Although the comments made no reference to breastfeeding or any of the other images on the site, I felt that what I had here was clear evidence that a person or persons will ill intent towards children were visiting this blog. I thought about my own photos. One image, in particular, ran through my mind. My eldest daughter, then three, snuggled close to me and beaming up at the camera whilst taking a break from her beloved Boobie. I couldn't bear the thought of anyone looking at this image in an abusive way. I then thought of all the other beautiful pictures, entrusted to me by women all over the world, of their intimate moments of breastfeeding and birth. I felt I had to act. And so, this was how I came to find myself deleting almost every image on this blog, while across the world women were protesting their right to share their nursing images in cyberspace.

Did I do the right thing? Most people seem to think - yes - that I had little choice under the circumstances, in particular as so many of the photos were of other people and their children. However, a few people have shared the thought, summed up well by this comment, "I refuse to live my life catering to the perversions of others. People can be turned on by literally ANYTHING, and I'm not able, nor willing, to wrap myself and my family in a bubble on the off chance something I say, do, or publish might get somebody off." Whilst I agree with this admirable desire for freedom, what I've been wondering about this week is whether we really understand the Internet, its impact, and its implications just yet. It feels so strongly a part of our lives that I found myself watching The Social Network the other evening and marvelling that they weren't in period dress. But this wasn't long ago, or even in the nineties that Mark Zuckerberg was coding out Facebook - it was 2004! This method of sharing and communicating, that many of us are confidently using every day, is only a few years older than my daughter. We think we know where we're at with it all, but like my daughter, we haven't really thought it all through, nor can we, with our understanding still so much in its infancy.

Let's take the example of images of breastfeeding. I'd be first in the queue to extol the virtues of sharing images of nursing. I created two online breastfeeding galleries on this blog, and have happily shared images of myself nursing my children on my Facebook account. Up until now, I've been convinced that doing this will help to normalise breastfeeding, help women to feel confident in their choices, and even help to improve breastfeeding success rates. Just like nursing in public? Right? Well...maybe not.

When we nurse in public, we get to look around and see who we are going to breastfeed in front of. This might be a small collection of people in a cafe, or a park, or a busy high street. We get to decide if we feel comfortable with the people who are around us and in the setting we find ourselves. We might feel that we are ok with nursing at our local toddler group, but would prefer not to feed our baby in a pub full of football fans on a Saturday night. Or we might be absolutely comfortable to nurse our baby anywhere at all (that's me by the way). But if we fall into this category, there is still a difference between nursing in public and sharing our breastfeeding images online. Because once our nursing pictures are on the internet, they can be viewed again and again by absolutely anyone. They can also be copied, shared, printed out, or even doctored, without our knowledge.

Still feel comfortable sharing your images? Let me tell you about another revelation that the events of this week have brought to me: there are people who find the act of breastfeeding itself erotic. Perhaps I'm exposing my naivety here, but I'd always assumed that people who had a problem with nursing in public were concerned about someone else seeing their (or their partners) exposed breast, a part of the body that is traditionally kept covered and considered erotic in our culture. But a quick google of 'breastfeeding xxx' enlightened me, and I was pretty shocked by what I found. I've always nursed in public and shared my breastfeeding images online because I was of the mentality - "I don't care if you get off by looking at my breast - I'm feeding my baby". But the idea that someone might be finding the act of breastfeeding itself sexually stimulating bothers me, because this involves my baby or child in the erotic experience.

I contacted breastfeeding guru Dr Jack Newman about my concerns. By coincidence, he was asking on his Facebook page for people to send him images of breastfeeding in unusual locations, exactly the kind I had just removed from my blog. I wanted to share with him a little of what had happened, and ask whether he knew what a large amount of pornographic content online is devoted to breastfeeding. And I wanted to know his view on my action of removing the images. He replied, "I don’t know if you should have taken it down. Maybe if people going to see these photos are doing it for the wrong reasons, they may, at least some of them, get the message that breasts are not just for titillation (sorry for the bad pun)." I'm a huge fan of Jack Newman, and I'm grateful to him for his response, but I felt he was missing the point. I'm desperately keen for positive messages about breastfeeding to be spread worldwide, but not at the expense of images of my children being used for someone's sexual gratification.

In child protection training, I have been given the message: be vigilant, and don't be tempted to talk yourself out of your uneasy feeling or suspicions. Above all, don't let your desire for something not to be the case be so strong that it blinds you to the actual truth. We can't afford to be naive about this, to the extent of hoping that someone viewing the images with ill intent might suddenly have an epiphany about the wonders of breastfeeding. I don't want to paint a picture of the internet as a threatening world full of perverted predators, but at the same time, there are issues here that need to be discussed, and not just regarding breastfeeding images, but indeed ALL of the images of children that we share in our online world. On the one hand we wouldn't be happy with a stranger taking photos of kids at the park, on the other we are happy to put photos of our kids at the park on Facebook; on the one hand we sign a consent form so our school can take photos and share them in a newsletter, on the other we add pictures to blogs that are viewed globally and without limit. We need to think these things through.

As always, I welcome your varied views. It's by talking that we can move things forward in positive ways. But please don't try to comment anonymously. I'm afraid that's no longer possible on this blog. If you've got something to say, you'll have to put a name to it, or keep your opinion to yourself. And for now, I'm really sad to say, you won't find any images here, now or in the future.

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All Images Removed Due to Child Protection Concerns

2012-02-05T04:01:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that this blog is being found in Google by people with the very worst of intentions.

Through Blogger I am able to see the search terms that people have used to find this blog, and there are some that give me cause for concern. Unfortunately, it seems that there are a combination of search terms that are leading people who wish to harm children to find this site.

Two comments have been left on the blog by such people. They are not publishable.

At the moment, I have no idea of whether this is just one or two individuals, or more. I have contacted the Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre.

This blog has, as I hope you know, the very best of intentions, and is run by a person who has extensive professional experience of working with both adults and children who have experienced abuse. I recognise that we cannot always control the way certain images are viewed, and that the internet is full of perfectly innocent pictures that could be seen very differently in the wrong hands. However, because of the fact that it seems that an individual or individuals are finding this blog when they are searching the internet with ill intent, I have removed all images of children from this site.

I have also removed both breastfeeding galleries completely.

I am deeply saddened by this, as I know that the images, both of positive birth, and of extended nursing, have been immensely helpful to people.

Please share your thoughts with me on this matter.

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Let's Pretend: Helping Your Child Express Feelings Through Play

2012-02-03T13:52:00.000-08:00

Often we really want to help our children express how they are feeling, but find that our questions are met with silence or a change of subject. In this situation, we might feel that they are not opening up to us, that the lines of communication are broken, that they are keeping their feelings bottled up. We might find ourselves asking,"Why won't you TALK to me?!". But there is something we can do. We can play with them. Through play, we can connect and communicate with our children at an emotional level, in a way that feels safe, natural to them, and fun.

Why?

Play is a Child's Natural Language
Play is the way that a child makes sense of their world. Children use play to process and explore events that they experience, from the day to day, such as shopping and 'mummies and daddies', to the traumatic. Children who have witnessed or been involved in a frightening situation will rarely, if ever, choose to process this by talking about it. Instead, they re-enact it, or explore it through stories and games with similar themes, playing out endless different versions and roles and alternative endings. It is as if they literally want to 'get inside' life, and understand it by exploring it first hand.

Play is Experimental
Through play, children experiment, and learn. In the world of play, we can be different people, and make things turn out just the way we want. Or we can experiment with how it feels if things don't go our way, and then change everything, all over again. We can find out what it's like to be the giant, and experience just how he feels when he sits alone at the top of his beanstalk. Or we can spider our way up that water spout when the rain has just washed us down for the zillionth time. In play, we can be a new version of ourselves, someone completely different, or just the rock at the bottom of the pond. And at any moment, we can stop that game and move on to something else.
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Play Feels Safer Than Talking
Talking is one hundred percent real. But play? Play is fictional, isn't it? When we play, the story, the metaphor, becomes a 'container', a safe place in which lots of feelings and emotions and explorations can be held, and if it all starts to feel a bit too much, well then, it was 'only a story'. As adults, we do this too! We watch soaps, or films, or go to the theatre. We become involved in the story, and we form opinions, judgements, about the characters and situations. We wonder how and if we would do things, if we were 'in their shoes'. And, yes, we get emotional, we feel. Sometimes we might even change something in our actual lives as a result of this fictional experience. But on other occasions, we might dismiss it as 'just something on the TV'. For both adults and children, the fiction gives us a sense of 'distance', that at times can help to shed light on reality, and at other times allows us to feel confident and safe: this is not about reality at all, it's 'only a story', and our feelings therefore cannot overwhelm us.

How?

Make sure YOU are feeling Playful!

Before you begin playing with your child, check in with yourself. If you have just fallen out with your child, got mad, or are feeling frustrated, tired or emotional for this or any other reason, you need to let go of this before you begin to play. Remember, above all, this is supposed to be fun!

Let Your Child Lead

Suggest to your child, 'Shall we play', and then allow them to be completely in charge. Don't be tempted to 'agenda set', or to use the play as just another approach to 'get them to talk'. If you are going to take roles, let your child choose who you are both going to be. If you are to 'play yourself', (as often happens, especially with younger children) ask your child for some direction, for example, 'Where shall we pretend to be?', or, 'Shall I be nice, or grumpy, or something else?'. Try to keep your questions as open as possible and keep them to a minimum, after all, you are here to play!

Accept and Build

Keep this classic law of Improvisation at the front of your mind at all times as you play with your child. Accept, and build. It simply means that whatever the other person suggests, accept their idea, and then feel free to build on it in a positive way. If your child says, 'Now we are at the beach', don't say, 'The beach? I thought you just said it was raining!'. Instead, accept: 'Oh, the beach, I love the beach!', and build, 'Shall we paddle in the sea?'. By not creating barriers to ideas in this way you will both be able to move joyfully forward in the play, and your child will be encouraged to keep offering their ideas and suggestions. They will also feel validated, heard and respected.

Respect the Play

As you play with your child, keep in mind a strong sense of how important this time and experience is for them. They are expressing themselves in your presence, they are sharing their world with you, and even if you do not understand the play at a grown up, 'literal' level, rest assured that it is important and of great meaning. For this reason, don't break off the play suddenly and without warning, don't dip in and out of role, and don't make fun, even 'gently', of your child's ideas.

Notice Themes (But Don't Analyse Too Much!)

As the adult you might feel desperate to know what is going on in your child's life or feelings, and play does sometimes provide us with a window into their world, so it can be tempting to try to interpret the meaning of their play and draw analytical conclusions. Try not to do this too much, as not only will it spoil your own fun and playfulness, you might also be barking up completely the wrong tree, and in doing so miss what your child is actually trying to communicate. Instead, just keep a casual awareness of the themes in your child's play, and notice if they recur often.

Stay in the Metaphor

Children and adults enter fictional worlds to feel safe and contained. You can help to maintain this for your child by not suddenly introducing ideas or interpretations from 'reality'. You might be tempted to say, 'Are you worried about something?' or 'Are you being bullied at school?', or 'Is this about your Dad?'. But this will only serve to break the spell of the play and possibly cause your child to feel upset or confused. Instead, keep your discussions metaphorical. You might ask, 'What did it feel like when the beans grew into a beanstalk?', or 'What's it like having magical powers?', or 'I felt so sad when the ball fell in the pond, did you?'. By doing this, you are allowing your child to talk about all kinds of feelings in a way that feels safe.

Know your Limits

This post is intended to help parents use playful ways to improve their emotional communication with their child on a day to day level. If you have serious concerns about the physical or emotional welfare or safety of your child, don't hesitate to consult your doctor or other professional.

Keep Playing!

Hopefully you already play with your child as much as time allows you to. So please, keep doing this! And of course, offer them plenty of opportunities for different sorts of play, in different settings, with other children, and by themselves. Remember that whether or not you understand your child's play simply doesn't matter - for them, this time is invaluable. Through play they are constantly exploring, experimenting, trying, failing, learning, experiencing, expressing, wondering and feeling. And of course, most importantly, (although it's amazing how often it's underrated!) they are having fun!

Just For Comfort...

2012-01-28T16:07:00.000-08:00

I hold my baby every time she cries...just for comfort.
I know she isn't really hungry, but I let her come close and nurse anyway...just for comfort.
As she falls asleep, I'm always there; singing, rocking, nursing...just for comfort.
And most nights, she sleeps in my bed...just for comfort.
By day, I notice her, noticing the world, and if she looks lost or confused, I pick her up...just for comfort.
I let her move away, branch out, explore, until she falls, or hesitates, or looks to me, and then I offer her my arms...just for comfort.
When she's scared, or sad, or cross, or lost, I try to understand, to be there...just for comfort.
And any time she wants to snuggle, day or night, I stop everything else and hold her...just for comfort.

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I write...just for comfort.
I paint, I dance, I sing...just for comfort.
I take a book, light a lamp, and get cosy...just for comfort.
I laugh with friends...just for comfort.
I walk, I run, I dream, I plan, I travel...just for comfort.
I return home...just for comfort.
I hold you tight, and you hold me...just for comfort.

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I pour myself a drink...just for comfort.
I eat, and eat, and eat, long after I am full...just for comfort.
I roll myself another...just for comfort.
I try to find the vein...just for comfort.
I spend the night with him...just for comfort.
I slowly make the cut, and feel the sing of pain, and watch the red line form...just for comfort.
I search, and search, and search...for comfort.

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Never underestimate the value of 'comfort'.
Don't hold back in your expressions of love, don't worry about spoiling, and don't pay attention to anyone who says you are creating bad habits.
You cannot hold your baby too much, respond too much, love too much or comfort too much.
When you comfort your baby or child, you are teaching them how to find comfort in good, healthy places, inside and outside of themselves.
When they are very small, they think that they are still a part of you, so when you comfort them, they just think they are comforting themselves, feel good, and learn a little bit more about how it's done.
As they grow, they realise that you are separate people, but they still need you to show them the way, to be their anchor and compass in the emotional ocean.
In your warm embrace they discover that they can feel distressed and then return to calm.
They discover that it's really quite simple.
If a child is not given the comfort that they need, they might spend a whole lifetime looking everywhere and in all the wrong places for the reassurance that they missed.
But if they find it, in you, and in the tender comforting ways that you teach them, they will never forget its location, for the rest of their life.

So really, 'comfort' is not, 'just for comfort', after all.

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Amazon Petition - Facebook Action Day

2012-01-27T08:00:00.000-08:00

Post Script: Sunday 28th January

On Friday 26th January, several hundred people wrote on Amazon's Facebook Wall in protest at their lack of response to this petition, which has over ten thousand signatures. Hopefully this action will encourage them to take notice. Thank you to all the individuals and organisations who took part. I am now considering the next step. So watch this space, and in the meantime, if you wish to continue writing your messages of protest on their wall, please do so!

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Original Post:

The petition to ask Amazon not to stock books which advocate the physical abuse of children has now reached TEN THOUSAND SIGNATURES, including many high profile names. However, Amazon themselves are STILL not responding.

With your help, I'd like to increase the pressure on Amazon to take notice.

Today, Friday 27th January, I'm asking everyone to go to Amazon's Facebook page, which has an open wall, and paste a link to the petition and a comment.

For example, you might like to say, 'Hey, Amazon, this petition now has ten thousand signatures, when are you going to respond?', or any words to that effect.

I'd be so grateful if you could just take a few minutes of your time to do this. If everyone who has signed the petition participates, just think what a big impact this could have!

Here's a step by step guide:
1. Go the Amazon Wall: www.facebook.com/Amazon
2. Post the petition link: http://www.change.org/petitions/jeff-bezos-amazon-ceo-refuse-to-carry-books-which-advocate-the-physical-abuse-of-children
3. Add a comment, e.g., 'Amazon, please respond!'
4. That's it!

I'd very much appreciate it if the comments were polite and did not contain bad language, threats or unkind words about Amazon, or the book authors, or anyone else. I really believe that if we want to campaign on the issue of peace and gentleness then we have to lead by example.

If you would like to do more than just writing on Amazon's wall, you are welcome to send an email, requesting a response to the petition, to any or all of the following email addresses:

Jeff Bezos, Amazon CEO: bezosj@amazon.com
Amazon UK Press Office: pressoffice@amazon.co.uk
Amazon USA Press Office: amazon-pr@amazon.com

If you have any other ideas about how we can take this campaign further, please email me.

Thank you so much for your continued support with this campaign. I cannot tell you how grateful I am. I feel sure that we have already made a positive difference simply by taking a stand against this treatment of children, and I am optimistic that very soon we will gain more publicity, a response from Amazon, and see further fantastic changes in the way people think and behave as parents.

For now, get out your imaginary spray cans, and become virtual graffiti artists for the day! Good luck!

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Everybody Hurts: Ten Ways to Help Children Grow Into Adults Who Cope

2012-01-20T14:18:00.000-08:00

Life is tough: for everyone there are trials and sorrows, disappointments and heartbreaks. From a mental health perspective, the world loosely divides itself into two camps - those who cope, and those who don't. And as scary as it might be to contemplate, this coping ability or inability is pretty much entirely shaped by nurture - by our actions as parents.

It's simple: the way that we respond to our child when they are in a state of distress will become the way that they respond to their own distress as they grow into young people and adults. If we distance ourselves from their difficult emotions, they will learn to distance themselves too. If we respond with anger or tension, they will feel anger and tension too in life's harder moments. If we placate or 'medicate' our upset children with sugar or TV, they will learn to do the same for themselves as adults. And if we cannot tolerate their distress, we will teach them that distress itself is intolerable and must be avoided at all costs.

Ideally, we need to give our distressed child two strong messages to carry forward into their adult lives:

It is OK, normal and important to feel upset, distressed or emotional sometimes.
When I feel upset, I can cope.

Here are ten suggestions of ways you might give your small child positive messages about distress and help them to grow up to become an adult who 'copes'.

1. Begin with Yourself.
Take some time to consider your feelings, thoughts and responses to distress - your own and other peoples. How do you cope when life throws difficulties your way? What do you do when your emotions are churning with sorrow, grief or despair? How was your distress responded to when you yourself were a child? And how do you now feel and respond when your own child is experiencing these feelings? What happens to your body, your breath, your thoughts, your feelings? Is it easy or hard for you to stay connected and present, physically and emotionally, at these times? If you think that 'Distress' is a problematic area for you, it might be worth talking this through with your partner, a friend, or even a professional counsellor or therapist. By understanding more fully your own responses and feelings you will be much better placed to help your child.

2. Be Present.
When your baby or child is upset, stay with them. It might seem like you are not helping, especially if they will not stop crying. It might seem as if your presence is not bringing comfort or making any difference. But it is. By being there, you are showing them not just that you care, but that their upset is important, and that it is tolerable. You teach them how to 'stay' with their difficult feelings. If you only do one thing on this list, do this. You don't need to find the right words or even say anything at all. Just be there.

3. Use Body Language
Your body gives messages to others before you even open your mouth to speak. And often when we are in the presence of someone who is in emotional turmoil we can find ourselves unconsciously 'closing' ourselves - folding our arms, drawing up our legs, fidgeting or tilting ourselves away from them. When attending to your upset child, make a conscious effort to correct yourself if you find you are doing this, and to adjust your body to a more open position. Open up your torso and make sure it is turned towards your child, breathe, let your shoulders relax, connect with the floor. If you are hugging your child, let go of any tension in your body or breath and let yourself hold them without resistance. Not only will this give your child the message that you find their distress completely acceptable and unproblematic, but your own physical calmness will also help to soothe them, too.
And if your child withdraws from you, try mirroring: find a place near them and let your body adopt a posture similar to theirs. There is no need to speak, you are already giving out a strong message: "I am trying to put myself in your position, I am trying to understand."

4. Keep Being the Grown Up
When a child is upset, crying or having a tantrum, it can sometimes be tempting to join in. Particularly if you spend lots of time caring for small children, it can even start to seem normal to behave in a childish way. And it might be that, whether or not your are consciously aware of it, this particular situation is reminding you of a similar moment of distress from your own childhood, and awakening your own hurt and needy child within. However, if you are to effectively help your own child in this present moment, you need to try your best to remain in the role of 'adult', and this means being rational, strong and calm. Make sure your voice is low and steady, and that your body and breath are still and grounded. Keep reminding yourself that you are the adult in the relationship, even if this feels slightly fake or as if you are just 'pretending' to be the parent or the grown up. This will allow your own child to feel safe to rage, tantrum or grieve - indeed, to 'be the child' - whilst you hold on tight to the neutral, normal, status quo.

5. Never Ever Threaten, Punish or Shame
When a small child is upset, in particular if they are 'throwing a tantrum', you might feel like resorting to threats or shaming language in your attempts to calm them down. 'If you don't stop this fuss, we can't go to the party', 'Go to your room until you can control yourself' or 'You're being ridiculous - a big baby'. But whilst such an approach might have the 'desired' effect of restoring calm, what you are actually doing is teaching your child that these difficult feelings are completely unacceptable, and that they should keep them locked well away in future. Such a short term 'fix' can lead to serious long term mental health problems. Being fearful of or ashamed of emotions like anger and sadness is a recipe for a tough time in life, struggling to cope with these feelings that are such a normal and essential aspect of being human.

6. Validate
Take your child's distress seriously. The reason for their sorrow might seem ridiculous to you - a spilt drink, a doll that won't be shared - but from their perspective these are highly important matters. Avoid stock phrases such as 'It's not the end of the world', 'Don't be silly', or 'Not to worry'. Allow yourself to view the world from their level and try to imagine how hard the situation must be. Be genuine in your sympathy and offers of comfort. You might find that other family members or nearby adults 'make light' of your child's distress or even laugh. Ignore them. As far as your child is concerned, it is only your reaction that matters. And by treating their feelings with the utmost respect and refusing to belittle or diminish them, you will often find that they are able to move on from them quickly, satisfied that they have been seen, heard and acknowledged.

7. Let Your Body Be An Anchor
Often a child in distress will express their 'all over the place' emotions with their body. Pay attention to your own body and breath and make a conscious effort to keep yourself physically strong and calm. No matter how frenetic your child becomes, keep your own energy still and steady. If it helps, imagine that there is a lovely elastic bubble of calmness surrounding you, that can bend with your child's movements or sounds, but will never pop. Sit on the floor near your child and encourage them, if they are willing, to sit on your lap or in physical contact with you. The calmness of your own body will help to soothe, comfort and 'anchor' them.

8. Let Your Words Be A Compass
Just as your body can be a strong anchor to your child in their time of distress, your words can act as a compass, helping them to navigate their feelings by verbalising them and giving them a voice. A small child can feel overwhelmed by intense emotions, and it can be comforting to hear them being named in a clear and simple way. Don't assume to know everything, but make suggestions, for example, 'It seems like you are feeling really angry ' or 'Perhaps Daddy going away has made you feel really sad'. Using this language of feelings will help your child to eventually do the same, and grow up to become 'emotionally articulate'. They will be able to recognise, accept and understand their own feelings and the feelings of others, and build their own 'inner compass' for the day when you are no longer there to help guide them.

9. Be Careful of 'Distraction'
Often an upset child will be placed in front of the television or given a sweet treat as a form of comfort. This does 'work', but of course in the long run it carries a very negative message. Many many adults resort to eating the wrong foods or gazing mindlessly at the TV as a way of avoiding difficult or painful emotions. Help your child to learn that it is ok to stay with difficult feelings for a while. Sit together, cry together, hug together. See if this is the right time to try and talk or listen about the problem. And if you feel it would be best to move things on, try to find positive activities that acknowledge the feelings but help to transform them. Try, 'Let's dance a sad dance', 'Shall we paint a really angry picture', or 'When I feel upset I like to go for a walk in the wind, shall we do that together?'. Whatever activity you choose, let your child set the pace and move on from their difficult feelings in their own time.

10. See Difficult Moments As Goldmines
Times of high emotion, tantrums, distress - these can often seem the hardest parts of parenting, leaving us feeling exhausted and frustrated. But these are the moments when our children need us very deeply, and we can really make a difference. As parents we make many many mistakes, this is inevitable, and perhaps it's best to think of our role in terms of damage limitation rather than perfection. But if there is one thing that it is worth really really trying to get right, it is helping our children to deal with distress. Whilst sunny picnics or idyllic days at the beach might seem like your finest parenting moments, it is, in fact, the times when you are finding your child the most difficult and challenging that you are probably making the biggest impact. Amidst the chaos, the shouting, and the tears, there is priceless treasure to be found: your child is learning to cope.

This is not an exhaustive or definitive list. As always, please do add your own thoughts and suggestions in the comments below...

Shouldn't We All Be Free to Buy Whatever Books We Like, and Hit Our Kids Too, If We Want To?

2012-01-12T14:54:00.000-08:00

Nearly ten thousand people have now signed my petition to ask Amazon not to stock books which advocate the physical abuse of children. Over the last four months since I began the campaign the support has been incredible, and I'm grateful beyond words to all those individuals, groups and organisations who have signed and spread the word. I'm sometimes especially thankful to the total strangers who send me emails; warm, kind words that randomly land in my inbox, renewing my vigour to continue in spite of Amazon's silence.

But there have also been critics. For some people, the petition represents censorship, a threat to freedom of speech which they cannot approve of under any circumstances. Pottering around online, following the many Facebook threads or chat room discussions about the campaign, I have read with fascination several such discussions, and commented on a few. I think it's very important to listen to what people are saying, to mull over their views carefully, and to consider that their points may be as valid or more valid than our own. If we don't, we risk becoming completely convinced of our own self righteousness, entirely closed off to the possibility that we might be wrong; bigoted, self righteous, extremist, even dangerous.

So, believe me, I have listened to all sides of the argument, and searched my soul (often whilst breastfeeding in the wee small hours!). Is this petition right? Is it helpful? Is it censorship? An infringement of freedom of speech? Of freedom itself?!

Firstly, let's get one thing absolutely clear. I've said it before but sometimes, it seems, these things need repeating: This petition is NOT calling to BAN the book To Train up a Child, or any other. It is simply asking Amazon not to stock this and other titles that advise parents to hit / beat / spank or smack their children. Amazon themselves 'draw lines' ; they have a policy not to carry 'offensive' material, and the petition asks them to consider that the content of such books is offensive. If, and it's a big if, IF Amazon decide to pull these books from their stock, they will continue to be published, bought and sold. BUT. At least two things may happen. Other book sellers may follow suit and refuse to carry such material, meaning the books are harder and harder (but not impossible) to get hold of. And, as Dara Stoltzfus put it in this guest post on The Mule:

It is not just the act of getting those books removed from easy sale; it is the “why". It is the fact that everyone who looks for those books will have to ask “why” are they not available on Amazon, and then, they will be made aware that spanking is not the universal only and best way to raise kids.

In other words, the petition carries a message: this is not an appropriate way to treat children.

And let's just remind ourselves of just what kind of treatment we are talking about here, with a few quotes from To Train up a Child:

"If he continues to show defiance by jerking around and defending himself, or by expressing anger, wait a moment, lecture again, and again spank him until it’s obvious he’s totally broken."

"Switch him 8-10 times on his bare legs or bottom. While waiting for the pain to subside, speak calm words of rebuke. If his crying turns to a true, wounded, submissive whimper, you have conquered; he has submitted his will. If his crying is still defiant, protesting, and other than a response to pain, spank him again. If this is the first time he’s come up against someone tougher than he is, it may take awhile…if you stop before he is voluntarily submissive, you have confirmed to him the value and effectiveness of a screaming protest!"

"If you have to sit on him to spank him, then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he has surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring, and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally…A general rule is to continue the disciplinary action until the child has surrendered."

We have to ask ourselves, if we are arguing the case for 'freedom', whose freedom we consider to be most important, whose human rights do we value the most highly? The authors of such books, to sell their content via mainstream booksellers? Or the rights of children to be protected, as far as we possibly can protect them, from such treatment?

There are similar arguments to be made about the case for banning, or not banning, the corporal punishment of children entirely. There are those who argue: smacking or spanking should not be made illegal, the state should not interfere in my home affairs in this way, this is an infringement of my liberty. But again, the liberty of the parent to hit their child is being prioritised here over the liberty of the child to grow up protected by law from the threat of physical assault, a protection that all adults enjoy without question.

What one generation or society holds dear as their right as a free human can be seen as immoral or corrupt by people enjoying the clearer vision provided by geographical or historical distance. Here in the UK, we no longer flourish under a slave trade. We no longer prevent women from voting. We do not think it acceptable to put our criminals to death and we don't allow teachers to punish our children by hitting them with birches, canes or paddles. But it would be arrogant of us to assume that right now, in this culture, in this moment in time, we have got it 'sussed'. That there are no more problems left to solve, no more rights being violated, no more causes to fight. That we won't look back on this time, as we do on ALL others and say, 'Can you believe they used to DO that? It seems UNTHINKABLE now, doesn't it?!'

I believe we will look back on our treatment of children in this age with a degree of shame and regret. We will feel sad that we did not recognise their right to be protected from being intimidated and hit by bigger, stronger adults. Future generations will read the text of To Train up a Child and other similar books with even more horror than we do now, and wonder, why didn't anyone DO something? And no one will refer to 'freedom' in these contexts any more than they would now wonder if the abolition of slavery was an infringement of civil liberties.

So yes, I have thought long and hard about these questions, and the conclusion I come to time and time again is, No, I don't think this it is censorship to ask Amazon not to carry these books, and No, I don't think it is damaging to people's liberty to make it illegal to smack children. Freedom, I'm sorry to have to say, is never 'absolute', and nor should it be. Some actions are wrong, and should not be condoned or allowed by a society or it's laws. What actions we decide to place in this category shift and change with the zeitgeist. Often, perception follows policy - it takes a change in law to change people's thinking.

No one should be free to hit a child, any more than they are currently free to hit an adult. The defence that it is 'only occasional', 'only if they are really pushing it' or 'it's a family matter', no longer works for husbands, so a parent should not be free to use this defence any more, either. And no one should be free to 'switch' a child until he 'surrenders' or is 'totally broken'. We need to work together to move our society, our world, forward on this one. It is time.

Of course, there are grey areas and fine lines to be investigated here. And as I said, I'm never completely convinced that I'm right about anything. That would be worrying. So do, please, contribute your thoughts. Oh, and, sign the petition!

Olive Branch

2011-12-12T15:42:00.000-08:00

Right now, it feels like my petition to Amazon is just a very small cog in a very big wheel of change. Particularly in America, the issue of 'spanking' or 'smacking' is being hotly debated, and many people are speaking out for the rights of children. Watching and reading the various articles and discussions has had me wondering, if you are a parent right now who does 'spank', and you feel persuaded that perhaps you have made a wrong choice, and would like to do things differently - where do you turn?

Following conversations with Dara Stoltzfus, who wrote this guest post back in October about her own experiences with moving beyond 'spanking', we felt that we wished to do something to help such parents who no longer wish to smack their children. We decided to create an online community, via a facebook page, and together we have set up Olive Branch.

Olive Branch is an online community primarily for parents who have formerly used corporal punishment but who have now stopped, or are wishing to stop. We hope to create a place to find alternative ways to handle parenting situations, share information, and offer and receive support.

Olive Branch might be helpful to those of you who:

currently smack, spank or physically punish your children, but would like to find an alternative approach.
have smacked or spanked in the past, but are now trying to parent without corporal punishment, and would like to find support in this choice, and perhaps help others
have never physically punished your children and feel you would like to help others to parent without corporal punishment
are an individual or organisation who would like to offer information about parenting without corporal punishment

Olive Branch welcomes people of all nationalities and cultural backgrounds, of all faiths and none. We seek to create a safe and respectful environment in which we can learn from each other and move forward towards gentler parenting approaches.

Please let other individuals and organisations know about Olive Branch. Thank you! Together we can find better ways.

Crying It Out - The Damage We Can Measure, The Damage We Can't

2011-12-05T12:38:00.001-08:00

'Crying it out'...'controlled crying'...'sleep training'....when I had my first baby nearly four years ago, I was told that I needed to do it by everyone from my hair-dresser to my Baby Massage teacher, who handed out badly baked cakes and half baked parenting advice and told me my baby would never sleep through the night. The practice of leaving a baby to cry alone in a cot in order to encourage them to learn to be less dependent on their parents at night is so common and widespread in our culture that it is considered an absolutely normal if not essential part of a baby's first year. The number one best selling author of childcare books in the UK, Gina Ford, recommends it in several of her books, and even the NHS endorses it: on their website and in the book 'Birth to Five', handed out to all new mothers in England, they state:

By the time your child is six months old, it’s reasonable to expect them to sleep through most nights. If there’s no obvious cause, and your child continues to wake up, cry or demand company...teach your child to get back to sleep by themselves. First check that everything is alright. If it is, settle your child down without talking to them too much. If they want a drink, give them water but don’t give them anything to eat. For this approach to work, you need to leave them in their cot or bed. Don't take them downstairs or into your bed. Let them cry for around 5-10 minutes before you check on them. Over the next few nights, gradually increase the amount of time you leave them before checking. It might take a week or two but if you keep the routine going, your child should start falling asleep on their own.

This approach is understandably controversial; CIO is probably the most hotly debated topic in parenting forums and facebook groups. Those who are opposed to it denounce it as 'dangerous', sometimes even stating that it 'causes brain damage' and is tantamount to child abuse. On the other side of the fence, those who have used such methods on their own children claim that it is entirely harmless, and that a happy and well rested mother equals a happy baby. So who is right?

In such instances it's helpful to look for actual concrete evidence, but, I'm sorry to say, there isn't any. That is, if you're looking for a study that says, 'We took twenty babies, left half of them to cry alone for prolonged periods, while we cuddled the other half, and the ones we left crying grew up to be miserable, whilst the ten we hugged are all happy well adjusted adults.', well, you're just not going to find it, for obvious reasons. Not only can we not treat babies this way in the name of scientific research, but it would also be impossible to separate out the night time sleep training from the myriad of other factors that contribute to the development of a person, successful or otherwise.

What we do know is that stress produces the hormone cortisol, and that this can and does have an effect on the brain, particularly a tiny and rapidly growing one. One study has shown that too much cortisol can affect the development of the orbitofrontal part of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain thought to be most concerned with our social and emotional interactions. Another study suggests that the hippocampus may also be affected, with its numbers of cortisol receptors being reduced by early stress, leading to a reduction in the growth of the hippocampus itself and thus a reduced ability to cope with stress in adulthood. And from studying Romanian orphans, who were left in their cots and entirely deprived of love and affection, we can see just how much of the brain's development is dependent on responsive human interaction - many areas of their brains being visibly less active and 'a virtual black hole where their orbitofrontal cortex should be' (Gerhardt, 2004).

All of this evidence, (and there is much more available), is telling us something: stressful experiences have a negative effect on our babies, and love, responsiveness, cuddles and touch have a positive effect. But how much stress does just a week or two of 'controlled crying' actually cause? Can we be sure that this is going to cause real lasting damage? Or will it just be a negligible 'blip', and worth it in the long run for the sake of a good night's sleep? Maybe we just need to switch off our baby monitors and get it over with? Right?

For me, crying it out is about more than cortisol, as valid and concrete as that evidence might be. For when we switch off our baby monitors, we switch off another connection - the two way radio we share with our babies from their very first moments of life, the delicate dance of the mother child dyad, the vital and vibrant message of unconditional love and care. When we shut the bedroom door and walk away, we are required to turn off our emotions and our instincts in a manner that, unlike cortisol, cannot be measured, but may damage our attachment, our essential link to our small child, in subtle and far reaching ways.

And what of our babies experience? Like much of their first two or three years, they will almost certainly have no real memory of being left to cry. For some people, this alone makes the practice acceptable. But I can tell you from my own work with adults who have experienced severe trauma as babies, that, whilst they cannot actually recall the painful events themselves, they nevertheless remain affected by them for the rest of their lives. Often the fact that the trauma occured at this 'pre-verbal' time can make it even harder for them to process and overcome their difficult feelings, by which they remain constantly haunted but which they are unable to name or articulate.

A baby left crying will not, as a relative once assured me, 'soon learn that it's not going to get them anywhere'. In fact, a baby or small child has great difficulty 'learning' anything of this nature, as their understanding of concepts like cause and effect / time / reward and punishment are extremely limited (as anyone who has ever tried the 'If you don't put your socks on we are not going to the park' approach to parenting will testify!) What they do learn if they are left crying is that nobody is responding to them, in that present moment, and that it feels awful. They will learn that they are 'helpless', and some babies, although not all, will eventually give up crying for this reason. Often it is said that CIO teaches a baby to 'self soothe', but how can you learn to 'self soothe' if you don't yet have a full concept of 'self'? A small baby doesn't yet understand themselves as a separate person - this happens gradually, and it's not until around 18 months that a child can even look in a mirror and understand that they are seeing their own reflection.

Rather than learning to self soothe, a baby left crying may instead be learning how to 'split off' or dissociate. This is one way of coping with trauma or distressing events that threaten to overwhelm us - to go somewhere else. If we can't escape in our body, we can in our mind. As a parent, we can help a baby or child to learn how to cope with distress by the way that we ourselves respond. If we take our child in our arms, hold them, say soft words, and offer calmness and love, they will begin to learn how to make this a part of themselves, and how to respond in this way to difficult situations without our presence or help. But if our child is in distress, and no one is there to hold them? They may learn that the only way to deal with such intolerable feelings is to escape. Later in life, this desire to drift away from the pain instead of facing it may manifest itself in the form of addictions, eating disorders, and other serious mental health problems.

Of course, not all babies left to cry will end up with major difficulties in later life. Like everything else, there are degrees of damage, some obvious and clear, some subtle and barely noticeable. We all deal differently with distress, and perhaps it's worth pausing for a moment to consider what you personally do when your emotions are rising and churning. Do you reach for a drink, a cigarette, a sleeping pill? Do you eat more or less than you need? Do you write, do you run, do you paint pictures, do you drive your car too fast? Do you think you cope well with distress, or is this a difficult area for you? And now that you've thought about this, here's another one - how do you deal with the distress of others? When your baby is crying, what happens to you? How do you respond, in your body, in your breath, in your mind, in your heart? What do you find easier to contemplate - leaving your baby to cry alone, or holding your crying baby? If we find if hard to cope with distress, CIO might seem a better alternative than nights spent giving comfort, and so the cycle continues.

Distress is complicated, and we are all of us damaged in some way. As parents, we are in the game of damage limitation. In our material world, a baby who sleeps through the night is highly prized, they are a 'good baby', they are likely to have less negative impact on our youthful looks and our earning capacity than a baby who wakes up often and renders us tired and inarticulate. But if the good baby comes at the price of CIO, is it worth it? I think not. This might feel like bad news if you are sleep deprived and desperate. But I can tell you from personal experience, that your child will eventually sleep more deeply, more independently and for longer stretches, no matter what you decide to do. Suddenly, rather like childbirth, the pain is over, and you are in a new phase, with its own new challenges. And both you and your child will be intensely glad that you didn't risk causing damage, not just to the orbitofrontal cortex or the hippocampus, but to your relationship of love, trust, kindness and comfort, through which your child is learning so much about how to find this comfort in themselves.

Amazon Petition - Press Release - Amazon Ignores Petition Despite High Profile Support

2011-11-28T14:59:00.000-08:00

PRESS RELEASE, 28 Nov 2011:

AMAZON IGNORES CHILD MALTREATMENT PETITION IN SPITE OF HIGH PROFILE SUPPORT

Over 7500 signatures
Leading Experts, Thinkers and Campaigners Add Their Weight
Child Rights International Network Give Support
Amazon Refuse to Respond

Background Information
I am a mother, therapist and blogger based in the UK. At the end of August 2011 I began a petition campaign to ask Amazon not to stock books which advocate the physical abuse of children. Currently there are several 'parenting manuals' available to buy on Amazon (.com and .co.uk) that advise parents to train and condition their children into obedience using rods, paddles, or other similar implements. The books advise using these methods on small children and even babies under the age of one. Amazon has a policy not to carry 'offensive' material and the petition urges Amazon to acknowledge that this treatment of children is 'offensive'. You can view the petition here:
http://www.change.org/petitions/jeff-bezos-amazon-ceo-refuse-to-carry-books-which-advocate-the-physical-abuse-of-children

High Profile Support
The petition now has 7576 signatures at the time of writing, and numbers are constantly rising. There are many notable signatories; leading experts, campaigners and commentators on the issues of child development, corporal punishment, religious child maltreatment and violence against children. They include:

Prof George.W.Holden, Professor of Psychology, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, Chair of the Global Summit on Ending Corporal Punishment and Promoting Positive Discipline, 2011, Dallas, TX. Prof Holden's research at the Holden Lab focuses on understanding the determinants and significance of the parent-child relationship in development.
Robert Fathman Ph.D, Clinical Psychologist, Co-Founder of the Center for Effective Discipline and the National Coalition to Abolish Corporal Punishment in Schools. Co-Chair EPOCH-USA (End Physical Punishment of Children, part of an international federation of organizations seeking to end corporal punishment of children)
Sue Gerhardt, Psycholanalytic Psychotherapist, author of bestselling book Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes A Baby's Brain, and The Selfish Society.
Nadine Block, co-founder of the Center for Effective Discipline, co-chair of EPOCH-USA, author of This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You
Peter Newell, Coordinator of the Global Initiative to End All Corporal Punishment of Children, and long term advocate for children's rights in the UK and internationally. In England he chaired the NGO Children’s Rights Alliance from 1992 to 2002 and is Coordinator of the Children are Unbeatable! Alliance, campaigning for abolition of all corporal punishment. Together with his partner, Rachel Hodgkin, he prepared UNICEF’s Implementation Handbook for the Convention on the Rights of the Child. He has worked frequently as a consultant for UNICEF, in particular advising on general measures for implementation of the Convention and on establishment of independent human rights institutions for children. He is also Adviser to the European Network of Ombudspeople for Children.
Margaret Sims, Professor of Early Childhood, University of New England, NSW, Australia, author of numerous books, book chapters, journal articles, and reports, all with focus on the importance of early childhood. Of particular note to this campaign is Policy Brief no.20 on Physical Punishment.
Andrew Grogan-Kaylor, Associate Professor, University of Michigan School of Social Work, author of extensive research on corporal punishment, in which he has "consistently found that parental use of corporal punishment is associated with undesirable increases in outcomes like antisocial behavior, and anxiety/depression among children."
Elizabeth Gershoff, Ph.D, Associate Professor, Human Development and Family Sciences, University of Texas at Austin, author of extensive research into the effects of parental corporal punishment, eg Corporal Punishment by Parents and Associated Child Behaviours and Experiences.
Jordan Riak, Founder and Executive Director of Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education
Margarita Cala, M.D., Attending Psychiatrist, NYU School of Medicine
Frank Schaeffer, author, film director, screenwriter, activist
Stefan Molyneux of Freedomain Radio
Janet Heimlich, author of Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment
Samuel Martin, biblical scholar and author of Thy Rod and Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy
Wendy Priesnitz, Owner and Editor, Natural Life Magazine, leading environmental and educational advocate, founder of the Canadian Alliance of Home Schoolers, author of numerous books. Wendy commented: Neither I nor my book publishing business does business with amazon.com. That's my way of protesting this and many other issues.
Kjelene Bertrand, Producer of NTR Radio Network
Norm Lee, Parenting Without Punishing
James C. Talbot, author of The Road to Positive Discipline, A Parent's Guide
Al Crowell, Board member of Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education for ten years, Co-author of pamphlet The Nonviolent Christian Parent: Raising Children with Love, Limits, and Wisdom
Michael Goldfield, Child Advocate and Board member of Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education
Hermana Linda, Campaigner, whynottrainachild.com

Support from the Child Rights International Network:
This week the Child Rights International Network (CRIN) also began to support the campaign, adding information about the petition to their website and e-newsletters. CRIN's inspiration is the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC), which it uses to bring children's rights to the top of the international agenda. CRIN presses for rights, not charity, and advocates for a genuine systemic shift in how governments and societies view children. More than 2,100 organisations in 150 countries rely on CRIN's publications, research and information. You can view the petition info on their site here: http://www.crin.org/violence/search/closeup.asp?infoID=26723

Amazon Refuse to Respond:
As the petition organiser I have been trying to get a response from Amazon for some time. I first contacted them in mid October via their PR Agency Fever PR, who said they had passed my concerns to the in house press office. I then had no response, so contacted the Amazon Press Office myself on the 8th November. Since then I have sent several emails and left phone messages on an almost daily basis. I can be of no doubt that they are aware of the petition. They do not answer or return my calls and have made no response whatsoever.

Contact:
I am a full time mother and based in Somerset, UK. I would therefore appreciate it, if you wish to discuss this further, if you would be so kind as to email me and we can then arrange a mutually convenient time to speak on the phone.

Milli Hill, Organiser of Petition to Amazon
www.facebook.com/amazonpetition

Amazon Petition - Press Release

2011-11-21T14:35:00.001-08:00

PRESS RELEASE:

PETITION TO AMAZON - REFUSE TO CARRY BOOKS THAT

ADVOCATE THE PHYSICAL ABUSE OF CHILDREN.

Thousands Sign, Many Notable Signatories, Amazon Not Responding.

At the end of August 2011 I began a petition campaign to ask Amazon not to stock books which advocate the physical abuse of children. Currently there are several 'parenting manuals' available to buy on Amazon (.com and .co.uk) that advise parents to train and condition their children into obedience using rods, paddles, or other similar implements. The books advise using these methods on small children and even babies under the age of one. Amazon has a policy not to carry 'offensive' material and the petition urges Amazon to acknowledge that this treatment of children is 'offensive'.

One of the books, To Train up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl, has been in the media spotlight in the past fortnight, due to an article in the New York Times, and many subsequent articles in the world press. Most of the articles focus on the books and their methods being linked to the deaths of three children in the United States. Here is the New York Times article: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/11/07/us/deaths-put-focus-on-pastors-advocacy-of-spanking.html?pagewanted=all. The article, and several others, included a link to my petition.

Amazon has so far made no response to the petition.

The petition now has 7292 signatures at the time of writing, and numbers are constantly rising. There are several notable signatories, leading experts, campaigners and commentators on the issues of child development, corporal punishment, religious child maltreatment and violence against children. They include:

Elizabeth Gershoff, Ph.D, Associate Professor, Human Development and Family Sciences, University of Texas at Austin
Jordan Riak, Founder and Executive Director of Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education
Margarita Cala, M.D., Attending Psychiatrist, NYU School of Medicine
Frank Schaeffer, author, film director, screenwriter, activist: www.frankschaeffer.com
Stefan Molyneux of Freedomain Radio
Janet Heimlich, author of Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment
Samuel Martin, biblical scholar and author of Thy Rod and Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy
James C. Talbot, author of The Road to Positive Discipline, A Parent's Guide
Al Crowell, Board member of Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education for ten years, Co-author of pamphlet The Nonviolent Christian Parent: Raising Children with Love, Limits, and Wisdom
Michael Goldfield, Child Advocate and Board member of Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education
Hermana Linda, Campaigner, whynottrainachild.com

You can view the petition at:
http://www.change.org/petitions/jeff-bezos-amazon-ceo-refuse-to-carry-books-which-advocate-the-physical-abuse-of-children

About Milli Hill, Petition Organiser
I am a UK based mother, therapist and writer, and in spite of being described by the New York Times as a 'conservative Christian', I am not religious - I am entirely motivated by child protection. Please get in touch with me if you have any further questions.

In the meantime, you may like to read my original blog post on this issue: http://mamamule.blogspot.com/2011/08/amazon-we-find-child-abuse-offensive.html

Amazon Petition - Look Who's Signing!

2011-11-21T13:28:00.003-08:00

Currently, I'm trying to attract press attention to my petition to ask Amazon not to stock books which advocate the physical abuse of children. I'm compiling and circulating the following list of 'notable signatories'. Of course, every one of the ten thousand seven hundred and ten people who have signed the petition so far are immensely notable and significant to me. But with Amazon refusing to respond, I want to try and attract attention, both to the petition itself, and to Amazon's silence.

I have therefore been in contact with the following signatories and gained their permission to make public their support of my campaign. I am immensely grateful to them, not just for this support, but also for their individual contributions to the awareness of child protection.

Jordan Riak, Founder and Executive Director of Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education
Margarita Cala, M.D., Attending Psychiatrist, NYU School of Medicine
Frank Schaeffer, author, film director, screenwriter, activist: www.frankschaeffer.com
Stefan Molyneux of Freedomain Radio
Janet Heimlich, author of Breaking Their Will: Shedding Light on Religious Child Maltreatment
Samuel Martin, biblical scholar and author of Thy Rod and Staff They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy
James C. Talbot, author of The Road to Positive Discipline, A Parent's Guide
Al Crowell, Board member of Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education for ten years, Co-author of pamphlet The Nonviolent Christian Parent: Raising Children with Love, Limits, and Wisdom
Michael Goldfield, Child Advocate and Board member of Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education
Hermana Linda, Campaigner, whynottrainachild.com

UPDATE! 22/11/11 NEW SIGNERS:

Prof George.W.Holden, Professor of Psychology, SMU, Chair of the Global Summit on Ending Corporal Punishment and Promoting Positive Discipline, 2011, Dallas, TX. Prof Holden's research at the Holden Lab focuses on understanding the determinants and significance of the parent-child relationship in development.
Robert Fathman Ph.D, Clinical Psychologist, Co-Founder of the Center for Effective Discipline and the National Coalition to Abolish Corporal Punishment in Schools. Co-Chair EPOCH-USA (End Physical Punishment of Children, part of an international federation of organizations seeking to end corporal punishment of children)

UPDATE! 23/11/11 NEW SIGNERS:

Sue Gerhardt, Psycholanalytic Psychotherapist, author of bestselling book Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes A Baby's Brain, and The Selfish Society.
Nadine Block, co-founder of the Center for Effective Discipline, co-chair of EPOCH-USA, author of This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You

UPDATE! 24/11/11 NEW SIGNERS!:

Peter Newell, Coordinator of the Global Initiative to End All Corporal Punishment of Children, and long term advocate for children's rights in the UK and internationally. In England he chaired the NGO Children’s Rights Alliance from 1992 to 2002 and is Coordinator of the Children are Unbeatable! Alliance, campaigning for abolition of all corporal punishment. Together with his partner, Rachel Hodgkin, he prepared UNICEF’s Implementation Handbook for the Convention on the Rights of the Child. He has worked frequently as a consultant for UNICEF, in particular advising on general measures for implementation of the Convention and on establishment of independent human rights institutions for children. He is also Adviser to the European Network of Ombudspeople for Children.
Margaret Sims, Professor of Early Childhood, University of New England, NSW, Australia, author of numerous books, book chapters, journal articles, and reports, all with focus on the importance of early childhood. Of particular note to this campaign is Policy Brief no.20 on Physical Punishment.

UPDATE! 25/11/11 NEW SIGNERS!:

Wendy Priesnitz, Owner and Editor, Natural Life Magazine, leading environmental and educational advocate, founder of the Canadian Alliance of Home Schoolers, author of numerous books. Wendy commented: Neither I nor my book publishing business does business with amazon.com. That's my way of protesting this and many other issues.
Kjelene Bertrand, Producer of NTR Radio Network

UPDATE! 28/11/11 NEW SIGNERS!:

Andrew Grogan-Kaylor, Associate Professor, University of Michigan School of Social Work, author of extensive research on corporal punishment, in which he has "consistently found that parental use of corporal punishment is associated with undesirable increases in outcomes like antisocial behavior, and anxiety/depression among children."
Norm Lee, Parenting Without Punishing

UPDATE! 29/11/11 NEW SIGNER:

Reginald Leamon Robinson, Professor of Law, Howard University School of Law, Washington DC, expert in children in the law and child maltreatment, author of three critical essays about child maltreatment, advocate for conscious parenting.

UPDATE! 04/12/11 NEW SIGNERS:

Deb Sendek, Director, Center for Effective Discipline, Child Abuse Prevention Specialist.
Dr. Madeleine Y. Gómez, PTAVE Board member, President and founder of PsycHealth, Ltd, co-author This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You.

UPDATE! 06/02/12 NEW SIGNER!

Revd Giles Fraser, former Canon Chancellor of St Paul's Catherdral, writer for The Guardian, regular contributor to BBC Radio 4 Thought for the Day, founder and President, Inclusive Church.

As you can see, this list just keeps growing! If you have signed the petition, are an author, campaigner, psychologist, expert or scholar, or think your signature adds to the campaign in any way, please get in touch with me.

In the meantime I'm sure the list as it stands - creaking under the weight of so many great minds - will gain press attention and increase the pressure on Amazon to respond.

Fingers crossed, and thank you ALL for your wonderful support!

Oh, and keep signing and sharing the link!

Amazon Petition - Five Reasons to Sign

2011-11-14T13:09:00.000-08:00

Signatures have soared to approaching TEN THOUSAND on my petition to ask Amazon not to stock parenting manuals which advise hitting children, following exposure in the New York Times, and subsequently Yahoo News, the Huffington Post, and many many more. You only have to google 'To Train up a Child' to see the extent of the commentary; it seems like the whole world is talking about this book and the wider issue of the corporal punishment of children.

And yet book-selling giant Amazon remain silent. I need your help to increase the pressure on them by keeping the signatures rising, along with this wonderful global momentum for positive change.

Please share this post as widely as you are able, or simply the link to the petition.

Amazon Petition - Five Reasons to Sign

1. Amazon say that they do not carry 'offensive' material, and yet the content of these books, which advocate the use of a rod on small children and babies under one, IS offensive.
You can read extracts from To Train Up A Child here, and also on my original blog post. Here are some short examples:

"If he continues to show defiance by jerking around and defending himself, or by expressing anger, wait a moment, lecture again, and again spank him until it’s obvious he’s totally broken."

"Switch him 8-10 times on his bare legs or bottom. While waiting for the pain to subside, speak calm words of rebuke. If his crying turns to a true, wounded, submissive whimper, you have conquered; he has submitted his will. If his crying is still defiant, protesting, and other than a response to pain, spank him again. If this is the first time he’s come up against someone tougher than he is, it may take awhile…if you stop before he is voluntarily submissive, you have confirmed to him the value and effectiveness of a screaming protest!"

"If you have to sit on him to spank him, then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he has surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher, more patiently enduring, and are unmoved by his wailing. Defeat him totally…A general rule is to continue the disciplinary action until the child has surrendered."

This is emotional and physical abuse of a child. If you find this offensive, please sign.

2. The deaths of three children have been linked to one of these books. These cases are terrible, and no child should ever suffer in this way. And let's also remember those children who have not died, and whose lives are not in danger, but who have been or are being swatted with rods on a regular basis by those people whose love and approval they most crave. They may not be neglected, they may be well dressed, clean, and physically healthy. But they are suffering a childhood spent in fear, and the damaging consequences will affect them for the rest of their lives. Some of them have been shared their stories with me since I began this campaign, and even as adults, they live with the pain of this abuse every day.

If you would like to help prevent more children from suffering in this way, please sign.

3. This Petition is about child protection, not religion, or the Bible.
This might sound naive of me, as of course I know that these books are part of a religious movement and way of life. I know that they use bible verses to justify their methods. But the bottom line is this - child abuse is child abuse. We need to send a clear message that the world does not approve of this way of treating children, regardless of the religious or cultural beliefs that underpin it.
If you wish to send a message to the authors of these books and those who promote or follow their methods that you do not consider them to be justified under any circumstances, please sign.

4. The petition is not calling to 'ban books'.
It is simply to ask Amazon to cease to stock parenting manuals which advise the physical abuse of children. Amazon themselves draw lines - they have a 'content policy' not to carry 'offensive' material. The petition asks Amazon to draw the line here. This will not stop such books from being published or available. However, it will draw attention to these books and their content, raise awareness of this extremely important issue, and help to protect children from harm. If you have concerns about censorship, I have explored the issue further here.

If you wish to bring these books under an international spotlight, please sign.

5. Hitting Children is a Human Rights Issue

Regardless of where you live in the world, and what your spiritual beliefs, it is wrong to hit a child. This view is backed by the NSPCC, Save the Children, the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health, the Royal College of Psychiatrists, and UNESCO, to name just a few. Research has shown that smacking a child does not improve children's behaviour: rather it can lead to more anti-social behaviour, more hitting of peers and siblings, and more hitting of spouses as adults. Smacking can also be damaging to children's psychological well-being, and children who are spanked exhibit more socio-emotional problems. Overall most experts and leading children's advocates agree that children should be afforded the same protection from physical assault as adults by law.
If you wish to draw attention to the human rights of children, please sign.

Thank you for taking time to read, sign, and share the link. Together we can make a difference.

You can follow the campaign on facebook and keep up with news and views by clicking here.
Or on twitter @amazonpetition
Please also email me if you have any questions or wish to get involved in any other way.

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Amazon Petition - What's It To You?

2011-11-09T15:07:00.000-08:00

More than one person has suggested this week that I'm called The Mule as some sort of reference to a Michael Pearl quote, that his parenting methods are modelled on 'the same principles the Amish use to train their mules'. A few others have wondered if I've got a carrot and stick joke up my sleeve that I'm just waiting for the right moment to tell. And Erik Eckholm of the New York Times started a trend this week by being the first of many journalists to refer to me as a 'conservative Christian parent'. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm afraid none of this is true.

I'm called The Mule because I'm that particular kind of stubborn, load-bearing and opinionated woman that only a very special and brave type of man dares to fall in love with. One such man, now the father of our two children, gave me the nickname when I buckled under the weight of a heavy rucksack on our way up a mountain in Spain, a long time ago, and it stuck. It seemed the obvious choice when I set up my blog about a year ago, particularly as I knew I wanted to bray about a few issues on which I can be particularly unyielding: early attachment, positive birth, breastfeeding, plus a few more. I didn't know then that I was going to get involved with American fundamentalism, and I hadn't even heard of To Train up a Child at that point. And as for being a 'conservative Christian parent', well, I'm sorry to worry or disappoint, but I'm not even a Christian, let alone a conservative one. Oh, but I am a parent. That much is true.

And I guess that's where the whole thing begins and ends for me. I'm a parent. You might ask, why did you start this petition, you're a British non-Christian, a million miles away from the American biblical spankers it most directly affects: what's it to you? But the bottom line is, I'm a mother. And when you become a mother, a layer of your skin is metaphorically peeled away, leaving you open and exposed to feel the suffering of others, particularly children, in a new way. You can't read an extract like the following, and then just move on:

If your 10-month-old is pitching a fit because he wants to be picked up, then you must reinforce your command with a few stinging swats. You are not punishing him; you are causing him to associate his negative behavior with negative consequences. Never reward bad behavior with indifference. Tell the baby “No” and give him a swat. If your response is new, he may be offended and scream louder. But continue your normal activities as if you are unaffected. Wait one minute, and then tell the baby to stop crying. If he doesn’t, again swat him on his bare legs. You don’t need to undress him, turn him over, or make a big deal out of it. Just swat him where any skin is exposed. Continue to act as if you don’t notice the fit. Wait two minutes and repeat. Continue until the baby realizes that this is getting worse not better. Most babies will keep it going for 3 or 4 times and then slide to a sitting position and sob it out.

This was the quote from the Pearl's website that caused me to write my first blog post on the subject and set up the petition, at the end of August 2011. As a mother of two small girls, the idea of not only treating a baby in this way, but actually having the front to write a book about it, made me feel so appalled that I felt I had to act. At the time I didn't quite realise the full complexity of the debate I was entering - religious fundamentalism, American culture, politics, Biblical translation debates, corporal punishment of children, and more - but perhaps this is just as well, as if I had I might have just powered down and gone to bed.

To the rapidly-becoming-crowded To Train Up A Child table I bring myself, a mother, but also, a psychotherapist who has worked extensively with both adults and children who have survived abuse. From traumatised children in foster care, to addicts, to adults with borderline personality disorder, all of the people with whom I have worked therapeutically had one thing in common: at some point, someone had completely switched off their responses to their humanity. All of these people at some moment in their lives had said, with their voice, or their body, or just the expression on their face, Please stop, your words or your actions are hurting me, and the perpetrator had not listened. I refuse to believe that we should ever stop trying to create a world in which this scenario occurs less and less, or ceases altogether.

This week, I feel optimistic. There have been a crop of responses to the New York Times, including this one featured on the front page of yahoo.com, also linking to the petition, and some excellent commentary, including two from Frank Schaeffer, here and here, another from Lisa Belkin at the wonderful Huffington Post, and the story even made the UK press in the form of the Belfast Telegraph. All of this and much much more publicity has had a wonderful impact on the petition, and the number of signatories has more than doubled to over six thousand. More importantly, much more importantly, the wider issues of the discipline and treatment of children are being debated extensively worldwide.

Michael and Debi Pearl have sent the following email today to the Facebook page To Train up a Child - by Michael and Debi Pearl:

Dear No Greater Joy Supporter,

As you may be aware, NGJ is in the midst of a controversy as the result of a recent article in the New York Times and the subsequent articles and blogs that are using that article as a base, much of which is taken out of context and adding their own inflammatory rhetoric.

The opponents of the traditional, biblical, child training philosophy presented by NGJ are rallying an orchestrated attack to discredit the Pearls and our Ministry. This includes petitioning sales outlets such as Amazon to discontinue selling To Train Up a Child and all other NGJ material. Another tactic is to fill the book review pages on Amazon with negative 1 star reviews and hateful comments. We trust God’s protection but also recognize our responsibility to properly respond and make these circumstances known to our supporters.

The time, energy and expense of this set of circumstances are a burden to our staff that is robbing us of the time and resources needed to operate the ministry. We greatly appreciate all the notes and emails of encouragement that have been received and covet your prayers and support during these difficult times.

You can assist us by making your voices heard. Share your beliefs and leave a comment to all of the online articles that you read. You can also go to the To Train Up a Child page on Amazon and leave your own review and rate the other comments by checking “Yes” for the positive reviews and “No” for negative reviews. You may also make your own comments in response to the other reviews. Click “Create your own review” (located after the last review on the page) to rate To Train Up a Child and add your own review.

We covet your prayers and support and trust that God will be glorified through all of this.

Sincerely,Mike and Debi

P.S. Mike has recorded an interview with Anderson Cooper on Anderson’s daytime talk show that is expected to air during the week of November 14th. Go to the Anderson Cooper website and click “show info” for information on what time of the day it airs in your area. Watch the NGJ website for information on what day Mike’s interview will air.

P.P.S. The article controversy and numerous negative posts on Amazon have had an opposite effect on the results the detractors are hoping for. The sales on Amazon have skyrocketed! In recent days To Train Up a Child has ranked as high as 1,137 out of the over 20 million titles offered on Amazon.

It seems like the only people who are remaining silent this week are Amazon themselves. I've been trying hard to get a response from them for a few weeks now, and have called their UK press office every day since Monday, but so far, they have said nothing. Today I was given the email address of Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon, and added it to the petition. Apparently this means that every time someone signs he will receive an email. Hopefully, this might prompt him to answer the six thousand or more people who are asking, Jeff, why are you stocking a book that advocates the physical abuse of children? Doesn't this contravene your content policy not to carry offensive material? Does it mean that Amazon in some way endorses these methods? Do you spank your own children with rods?! In other words, Jeff, what's it to you?

While we await his answer, please keep signing and sharing the petition, thank you!

Birth Special: Small Comforts

2011-11-04T13:18:00.000-07:00

This week I've been running a special series of posts on one of my favourite subjects, Birth. On Monday, Michelle told the story of her empowering VBAC, and on Tuesday we heard Anna's story of her adoption experience, with a very surprising twist. On Wednesday Maddie from Developing Doulas shared some passionate thoughts about motherhood and pointed us in the direction of the fantastic website, One World Birth. On Thursday, Awen Clement wrote about the Red Tent Project, which hopes to create a travelling space in the UK for women and their many rites of passage.

During the week an artist friend of mine has also been busy making a beautiful painting inspired by women's words about their 'post baby' bodies, especially for this blog. Late last night I shared images of her art work, and took the rather bold (or foolish?!) step of including a photo I took of my own tummy button, in the post Acceptance Nude.

I'm so thrilled to introduce the final guest post in this series, from my personal favourite blogger, when you ARE that woman. Her blog is not particularly high profile. Unlike many bloggers, she doesn't do give-aways, or sponsored posts. Unlike me, she rarely gets political, she doesn't rant or jump from soap box to soap box. She just writes. She writes beautiful, lyrical, touching and funny posts about her life as a mother. Here she writes with characteristic honesty about post-natal depression. Her lovely words deserve to be read.

Small Comforts

I'm not surprised Churchill referred to his depression as his 'black dog', because in my experience depression is the worst kind of bitch. Even when you are classed as 'over it', you can hear and smell it somewhere nearby, panting in the shadows, snuffling around and threatening to shit in your path.

Earlier this week I felt a little overwhelmed by what I think (and hope) are the stuff of normal, common all gardening parental anxiety. They spiralled and wormed their way into my mind like the worst kind of dizzy headache. Where will Spider-boy go to school? Will we ever have any money? Have I destroyed my career by having kids? Have I destroyed my children by working? Am I any good at parenting? Are my relaxed days good for everyone or evidence that deep down I'm still feckless and lazy? Do I have expectations that are too high or not high enough? What happens if I never sleep again? Can you get so tired you forget what love is? And on, and on, and on.

With my first child, these were the symptoms of a disease. I spiralled and stumbled and became undone each thought cascading into another until I lost myself and was happy to drown. At the moment, I suspect I'm just wallowing in these waters (albeit with the trepidation of someone who's already been out of their depth). As I said, depression is a bitch, and I suspect I'll always be able to hear her if I listen carefully, roaming somewhere near my house, howling in the dark.

But this is a post about love and comfort. Slightly shaken I took two mornings *off* this week wondering if I was stricken or just, you know, tired and a bit emotional (and frankly, not drunk enough). I went back to bed 'til midday, just newborn and I, and we snuggled and cuddled, he in his nappy and nothing else.

One of the days he was snuffly and cross and not in good sorts himself. Still beautiful you understand, proud ballooning belly, wide wide smile, the only crooked thing on his gloriously symmetrical face, but also grizzling and crying and fussing while he fed. I tried all my tricks, placating and soothing, rocking and rubbing, playing, shhhing, kissing and almost gave up. I lay down next to him with a sigh and he looked over and grabbed at my face, pulling it towards him with his tiny insistent arms. His hands on my cheeks and hair, his too sharp nails digging in. I went with the move and he pulled me close, like a clumsy lover, my face into his, until his lips rested on mine. He gazed up at my eyes and breathing back at me fell asleep. He wanted our breath close and hot, needed it to feel safe. As he started to snore it dawned on me, the light of the sunny day we had been missing streaming from the edge of the blinds, that perhaps he was holding me because he wanted me to feel safer too.

It may be wishful thinking; children have every right to be selfish (parenthood has confirmed to me the absolute truth of that teenage cliche I didn't ask to be born, because however annoying that may be in 11 years time, it is a true accusation and one I don't have an answer for). But it whizzed me back to 2007 so fast my stomach lurched. I remembered another bright day, light hitting my face from the crackleglaze of the institutionalised windows in a horrible, dirty side room where Spider-boy and I had been placed. He was 15 days or so old, and we'd been readmitted in a bloodsoaked frenzy to the sticky, hot postnatal ward which smelled of rust and powdered tea and fear and bliss all churned together.

There he was, as too fat for his goldfish bowl crib as I was too small for the pregno shaped nightie. His presence was partly pragmatic, because I was breastfeeding him, but also a legal requirement. As he hadn't been registered we were told he didn't exist as a separate entity from me. He was still 'Baby thatwoman', nothing without me and our matching tags. It was between visiting hours, scary and the height of Summer. There were things I wanted to do but I was pinned to the bed by some nasty needles in my hand. Mr Thatwoman was firefighting his new job and sorting the house hoping we'd be back soon. I started crying, and a little hand reached up to touch my chest. It rested there as Spider-boy snuggled in, and I felt better.

A fundamental truth of parenting knocked my imagined future apart. I realised that he could comfort me even at this very young age; the relationship was two-way and being offered. It had never occurred to me that right from the start this was possible, yet here I was, something tiny and fragile and legally non-existent holding me and caring for me when I felt broken.

I know that it is no certainty and no right of mine to expect it, but even knowing that my boys have held me and cuddled me back, whether on purpose or as an accident of motor skills, makes me feel better and more optimistic. Seriously, how fucking lucky am I? To have had a two-way love from the start? To have had been able to grasp and find love even in moments of potential blankness? It certainly gives me hope, even if it was depression barking at the supermoon...

Birth Special: Acceptance Nude

2011-11-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

Before I had my two children, I really liked my body. I know girls are notorious for having bits of themselves they despise, but I liked all of me. I never really worked out, I never really watched what I ate, but I just had a great body, that looked good in clothes, and even better naked. Before you really start to hate me, here is a picture I just took of my tummy button:

This is what it looks like when I bend over. So if I'm naked, and reaching down to pull the plug out of the bath or pick up a discarded toy, this is what I see. As the three year old so beautifully put it, 'Mummy, when you bend over, your tummy goes all sort of melty-down.'

And I dislike it. I dislike it intensely. I realise this may make me seem shallow and superficial. But I'm afraid that I cannot quite accept the rather dramatic fall from grace my body has experienced; transformed, almost over-night, from something I willingly and happily flaunted, to something I'm keen to keep hidden from view.

You can imagine why the following image caught my eye.

Doing the rounds on facebook, Cassie's Fox's photo of her own tummy when her baby was six months old has been shared thousands of times over. Her image and accompanying words have sparked everything from cathartic release, to spiteful bitchiness. For me, they raised mostly guilt. My tummy looks a bit like this, and yet I have never really so far been able to integrate the way it looks with the gratitude I feel for my children's existence.

I shared her image via the facebook page for my blog, and although some who commented, like me, felt negatively, I was inspired by how many women echoed Cassie's feelings of pride and acceptance in their changed forms.

An artist friend and follower of my blog, Anna Appleby, offered to take these women's words and transform them into a piece of art to be shared here. I am so grateful to her for taking time out from caring for her two small children to create the beautiful image that follows.

The next images are close-ups of the main picture, with some of the words transcribed beneath.

doughy, squashy, home, mature, mummy's like a zebra, love handles, cuddle

womanly, curvy, proud, strong, feminine

wanted

scarred, striped, complete, someone's left a cake out in the rain

stretched, stitched, lucky, powerful

powerful, lucky, torn, stitched, stretched, scarred, now empty, complete, stripes

nourishing, finally have a purpose, disconnected

For me, these images, and the little chain of events that led to their creation, has been a welcome challenge to my entirely negative feelings about my melty-down tum. I don't love it yet, and perhaps I never will, but I have certainly nudged a little bit further along the long spectrum of feelings, a small step away from repulsion and disgust, and a tiny tiptoe towards pride and acceptance.

Please feel free to share your own feelings and responses in the comments below.

If you would like to find out more about Anna's art, or would like a print of Acceptance Nude, please contact me, and I will put you in touch!

Birth Special: The Red Tent Project

2011-11-03T00:46:00.000-07:00

Today's post for the week long Birth Special comes from Awen Clement, a mother and trainee midwife, whose love of the book The Red Tent was one of the many reasons she felt called to become involved in this wonderful project. If you feel equally inspired, they would be thrilled to hear from you!

The Red Tent Project

"We have been lost to each other for so long. My name means nothing to you. My memory is dust.

This is not your fault, or mine. The chain connecting mother to daughter was broken and the word passed to the keeping of men, who had no way of knowing...

..And now you come to me...you come hungry for the story that was lost. You crave words to fill the great silence that swallowed me, and my mothers, and my grandmothers before them."

( Prologue, 'The Red Tent', Anita Diamant)

Have you read Anita’s book? Did it speak to you? Did you feel a tugging of your soul, a tingle of ancestral memory that you couldn’t quite place? Even if you haven’t, do you have a little voice inside that wonders if there is something missing in this slightly crazy modern world? Read on…..

In a small corner of the South West of the UK, a woman by the name of Kate Woods (Doula and Doula Educator, Conscious Birthing) came to the conclusion that what she needed, what all women need, is a real life Red Tent like the one in Anita’s book. She posted the seed of her idea on Facebook and the response was a resounding YES!

So the dream was born. The plan is to raise funds for the building and furnishing of 20’ red yurt, a space for women to come together, to bleed, to birth, to create, to cry, to heal, to be women. The seasons of women’s lives will be celebrated and the sharing of wisdom honoured.

The yurt will travel to festivals and events around the country, offering workshops and celebrations. As Kate puts it ‘The elders can support and educate the new young women and the Mothers can empower the pregnant women, and so on, like a set of Russian dolls, each sharing her power and being nurtured in her own.’

When not on tour the yurt will reside in Somerset as a birthing and celebration space. There are negotiations happening regarding a piece of land, giving the yurt a home in which there can be a wood burning stove and birthing tub.

Since the project was first conceived in the Spring of 2011, many women have joined the circle. Nearly a £1000 has already been raised through individual contributions and circle hosted events such as pamper evenings. A circle member is even running a marathon to raise funds for the project.

More is needed, the project needs £5000 to build the yurt, another £1500 to furnish it and then on-going funds to support it as a space in which we can all nurture ourselves.

We would welcome you to join us, does this project call to you? We need volunteers, we need fundraisers, we need your voices to spread the word.

We are offering you a place to be safe, to honour your body, to connect with women, to connect with yourself. Come inside, who knows what you may find.

You can keep up with the Red Tent Project on facebook by clicking here. Please get in touch with them if you would like to help or be involved in any way, however great or small. Follow on twitter @Redtent_uk. More info can also be found at www.consciousbirthing.co.uk/the-red-tent or http://theredtentproject.weebly.com/

Birth Special: Mothers Matter

2011-11-02T06:08:00.000-07:00

This week I'm running a Birth Special. On Monday Michelle told her moving tale of achieving the VBAC of her dreams, and yesterday, Anna shared a wonderful story with a truly unexpected twist about her experience of adoption. Today’s guest post comes from Doula Maddie McMahon. She writes with passion of the wonderful power of mothers and motherhood, and calls for a better world for those who bear and raise children. Maddie writes posts about birth and motherhood at www.maddiemcmahon.com, and offers Doula services and training in Cambridge UK. You can also follow her on facebook.

Mothers Matter…

Mothers nurture a growing child in their wombs, fiercely protecting that future human despite having perhaps been rejected by the child’s father, despite rape, poverty, despite extreme emotional and physical suffering.

Mothers give birth. Some hunker down and roar their babies out; lioness mamas ecstatic with earth-shattering power. Some dream their babies into the world – flowing, spiralling, floating in the warm, wet other world of birth transformation.

Others have their children ‘untimely ripped’ from their wombs by induction, c-section, instruments – sometimes necessarily, but all too often at the instigation of an ‘all powerful, all knowing’ paternalistic figure.

But they all keep their dignity, their strength, their abiding love. Frequently, around the world, mothers sacrifice their babies, or even their own lives on the altar of poverty and ignorance.

Some mothers feel that overflow of piercing, painful love the minute they feel their child’s hot, wet body at her breast. Others, many who have been separated from their babies, find the love blossoms slowly over days and weeks. Some revel in the warm, liquid, primal, sensual experience of the babymoon but many suffer pain, social isolation, lack of skilled support, physical complications or the black hole of postnatal depression or post-traumatic stress.

Whatever our journey, all of us mothers fight for their children, even to the extent of killing themselves in the belief their children will be better off without them. Really? Overly dramatic? Suicide is the leading cause of maternal death but we don’t hear these stories. Society is rightly, too ashamed to air these herstories, too scared to examine what it reveals of a world that allows such tragedy.

Without exception, we all bear guilt. Motherhood, especially in the West, has become a ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ competitive battlefield. In our anxiety to get it right, we turn to the marketplace – to the legions of ‘experts’ and childcare manual authors who grow fat on our insecurites and doubt.

30% of

mothers now work full time at the same time as still doing the majority of the childcare and domestic tasks. Around the world, the economic contribution of women means the difference between full stomachs and starvation for the majority of families. Most female work is drudging, badly paid, back-breaking, illegal and often downright dangerous.

Mothers around the world ‘bring forth in suffering’, not through God’s Will but because mothers must be submerged, disempowered, forgotten. What is the alternative? What trouble would we cause if we were all strong enough to stand up to a world that disenfranchises our daughters, sends our sons off to war, drags our children into drugs, violence and poverty and celebrates the machismo of our husbands when they leave us.

What would happen if our bodies were celebrated for the effortless way we can bear children and feed them, instead of using our curves and breasts to sell products?

What if Mothers had a voice. What if we all took back what is ours by right – our birthright – to labour and give birth safely with skilled loving attendants, in the place of our choice; to be supported with patience and loving care through the transition to parenthood; to be supported with affordable childcare, equal pay, financial support to stay at home with the children (after all, isn’t this a JOB, even if it doesn’t register in the GDP of a country?). To live without fear of starvation, rape, slavery, or domestic abuse.

What if we had the time and energy to actually get a say in the way the world was run?

Some facts and figures to consider:

According to the WHO: Every day, approximately 1000 women die from preventable causes related to pregnancy and childbirth.

Amnesty International’s report Deadly Delivery: The Maternal Health Care Crisis in the USA, urges action to tackle a crisis that sees between two and three women die every day during pregnancy and childbirth in the USA….With a lifetime risk of maternal deaths that is greater than in 40 other countries, including virtually all industrialized nations, the USA has failed to reverse the two-decade upward trend in preventable maternal deaths, despite pledges to do so.

Unlike the US,

Britain

has an independent body that records all maternal and perinatal deaths so that clinicians can learn and be held accountable. The Centre for Maternal and Child Enquiries is crucial but its continued existence seems uncertain.

In the UK, PM David Cameron admitted pre-election that the NHS was short of 3000 midwives and promised to recruit that number. That promise has been forgotten. Midwives and mothers are worried maternity services are being pared down to dangerous levels. Meanwhile, in many developing countries, millions of pregnant women have no access to antenatal care or skilled intrapartum support at all.

If you want to find our more or join the movement to take back motherhood, visit www.oneworldbirth.com

Birth Special: Adoption - A Beautiful Story with a Beautiful Twist!

2011-11-01T08:54:00.000-07:00

Becoming a mother doesn't always mean giving birth. Some take a different, but equally transformative, empowering and arduous journey into parenthood. This week is National Adoption Week in the UK. Having worked extensively as a therapist with children in foster care I'm happy to do anything I can to promote this cause. I really hope the following story encourages those of you for whom the circumstances are right to explore the idea of fostering or adoption.

Anna's Story

Paul and I met in 1997, at the church we both attended. He was the youth leader and I was the youth! OK, so that’s not entirely true and sounds a bit sinister...he had been the youth leader and at 17 I was the youth! The usual comments about the 12 year age gap followed but we ignored them and married in 1999. We were both keen to have a family and started ‘trying’ for a baby shortly after our wedding. I had never been particularly ambitious and my only goal in life was to be a Mum so we thought we would get on with it...although ‘it’ didn’t happen and after a year we both went to see our doctors and were referred on to the Assisted Conception Clinic. I was found to have Polycystic Ovaries and Paul a low sperm count and we were told, in no uncertain terms, that our chances of having children together was a big fat zero (although the consultant did point out that we would probably be fine if we were both with different partners!!).

So that was that. A relief, in some ways, to know one way or the other and time to focus on something new. We decided against IVF or other things we could have tried as we both agreed that having a ‘birth child’ wasn’t what was important for us, being parents was. We applied to adopt through an agency and after our training courses, medicals, references and assessment we were set before a panel of 13 people to be told whether we were fit to be parents or not-defiantly the most terrifying hour of my life to date! Anyway, we were successful so then started the search for ‘the one’! I found this bit of the process really hard. I fell in love with every child I looked at and would then be presented with a file, some of which were HUGE, with every detail the child’s Social Worker had on them and their families. Some of them were harrowing to read to begin with but as we read more and more we managed to close off a bit, I think it’s the only way to be able to make an informed choice about the child you choose. After about 6 months of looking we found O. He was 4 at the time and the first picture we saw of him he was sitting on a swing, with a face like thunder and his wellies on the wrong feet! After meeting with his S.W and foster carer we were ready to meet him! I will NEVER forget that day for as long as I live and still feel emotional now when I think about it! We were sitting downstairs in his Foster carers split level house and she had popped to get him from nursery. We both felt sick with nerves...what if he didn’t like us? What if we didn’t like him? What if, what if, what if...suddenly the front door banged above us and this gorgeous little voice shouted out ‘where’s my new Daddy?’ and he stomped down the stairs! The rest of the two weeks of introductions went by in a blur and before we knew it we were on our way back with him!

O is, and always has been, a lovely, kind hearted child. He has global developmental delay and is currently working at a level 7 years below where his peers are. He has a little bit of lots of things going on really (dyslexia, ASD, Attachment disorder, PTSD) which has made it hard to get him help in school. His main issues are, and always have been, his lack of confidence and massive anxiety, both of which he has due to hideous early experiences. *just had a little break to refill my wine glass and tell O to get in the shower...he came in and asked what I was writing about so I told him briefly...he has told me to write that he is good on his scooter, that he has a tortoise called Raff and that he is quite good looking :o)*. He has had fairly extensive therapy and has just changed schools. He now has 70% of his lessons in a nurture group and is coming out of school with a smile on his face for the first time in what feels like forever!

O’s sister and brother were both placed for adoption around the same time as him and we have maintained contact with them twice yearly since. It was during one of these contacts with his sister (and their second newly adopted daughter) that her Mum mentioned in conversation that their new daughter’s birth mum had had another baby that was also going to be placed for adoption. Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could have her? It would make contact very easy! We didn’t even know if it was the right time for us to do it again. We had discussed it at various times during the last 6 years (since we had had O). Well, don’t ask, don’t get so we fired off a letter to the head of Social Services, praying that she would remember us from when we had O, and then kind of forgot about it! All seemed a bit too good (and easy) to be true. We had a phone call two days after posting the letter to say that they thought it was a fab idea and wanted to come and see us with more info! After a very quick assessment, panel (no where near as scary the second time round) and meeting with her foster carer we were introduced to our little pocket rocket, (A) then 13 months. She arrived two years ago and has turned our lives upside down, but in a good way! Whether she will have any future issues remains to be seen. She is doing everything she should be at the moment although she was subjected to massive substance misuse before she was born and we were told she ‘would not come out of this unscathed’...we don’t really care to be honest, we will deal with whatever life throws at us.

A came to us in the October and by January I was exhausted! She was (and is) a full on toddler and I assumed my lethargy and extreme tiredness were down to parenting her...I was wrong! After chatting with a friend about my ridiculously itchy boobs she convinced me to do a pregnancy test. I have done literally hundreds in my lifetime, all of which were obviously negative and I should point out, not that I expect you will really want to know, but since we found out 12 years ago that we were infertile as a couple we have never used any form of contraception. Anyway, I did the test, put it on the sink and started sorting the washing! I totally forgot about it, I was so sure there would be nothing to see. Wrong again...there was the word ‘pregnant’ (I got the expensive ones rather than the blue line ones!). I collapsed and hyperventilated (not exaggerating) and Paul swore about 30 times in a row when I told him! We were shell shocked and if I am honest it took some time to sink in! Why was it happening now when I already felt like I was struggling to adjust to having a two year old? How would O cope, going from being an only child to having two siblings in less than a year? Could we afford it? Did we need a bigger car? The week after we found out I went to the doctors, then to the midwife who found the heart beat (we both sobbed...me and the midwife!), then for a scan which revealed I was 21 weeks by this point! By the end of that week life was great, sod the money and the car, we were growing a baby :o)

Ez was born in September 2010 and is beautiful, cheeky and a little bit stroppy! We feel so so blessed to have experienced the joy of having a birth child but are eternally grateful that he didn’t come first as then we wouldn’t have had O and A. Adoption is an amazing way to become a parent. Of course there are hard times and uncertainties but our children bring us so much happiness that the hard times are still hard and the uncertainties become irrelevant.

Birth Special: From Emergency Caesarian to Blissful VBAC!

2011-10-31T04:11:00.000-07:00

Today is Halloween, and it's also Samhain, the Celtic equivalent of New Year's Eve. This ancient festival looks towards nature for its symbolism, and celebrates endings and beginnings; taking seeds of hope for the future, spiralling deep into the dark of winter, facing our fears, waiting and enduring, and emerging anew when spring finally returns. What better time to bring you the first of a week long series of posts on the subject of birth!

Back in July I ran another Birth Special, and the most popular post by far was Michelle's story of how her planned home birth ended in an emergency c-section. Perhaps one of the reasons it spoke to so many people is because the tale is, sadly, all too familiar; of a birth in which hopes and dreams of a natural and positive experience slip slowly and painfully away and are replaced with trauma and disappointment. I'm delighted to say that for Michelle, healing has come in the form of an incredibly empowering second birth, and here she shares her inspiring story, accompanied by the most beautiful images.

Michelle's Second Birth Story: Doula Assisted VBAC in Hospital

When I fell pregnant with my second child I was determined to have a different experience compared to my last labour and birth, preferably one that didn't result in a c-section. So I did everything I could to maximise my chances of achieving such a dream. I read huge amounts of research and VBAC birth stories, I watched VBAC birth videos, I hired a doula and also enlisted the help of a friend who was training to be a doula and I held a Blessingway. I also did a lot of soul-searching and talking about my previous birth experience, fears and expectations in an attempt to find some healing and to let go of certain worries.

I wholeheartedly believe that all of these things - being informed, supported and most of all trusting my body - played a huge part in achieving my empowered VBAC.

I would like to add here that I originally intended to have a home birth (or HBAC) but one of my worries was about the less than 1% chance of having a uterine rupture during labour. So after changing to a consultant I was more comfortable with, I made the decision to have my VBAC in hospital, as I personally felt safer to be there rather than 30 minutes drive away if anything did happen.

Here is the story of Genevieve's birth...

On the morning of my due date some mild contractions started while I was getting my other daughter's (Mathilda) breakfast. I didn't think much of it at first because two nights previously I had felt the same and they died off. But within half an hour they ramped up in intensity and frequency making me take notice of them.

This turned out to be very stressful because my husband, Rob, was still in bed suffering from a corneal abrasion (he has a form of Recurrent Corneal Erosion) which was looking like HE may have to go into hospital to have his eye scraped (you don't want to know) and my daughter was having a tantrum over me giving her the 'wrong juice' which ended up purposefully chucked all over the carpet. Suffice to say, I wasn't in a very good mood at that point!

Among all the chaos I somehow got in contact with both my friend/trainee doula (Jenn) and my doula. We arranged for Jenn to come over ASAP to help and for my doula to await another call if things really look like I'm in actual, full-blown labour.

By this point Rob was trying to get through to the hospital to arrange to see his eye specialist and also call relatives who offered to look after Mathilda.

I was having some good strong contractions while leaning on my birth ball with all this going on and Rob swearing at the phone in the background. I just buried my head in the ball and moaned through them, while Mathilda, bless her heart, hugged me from behind. Eventually Jenn arrived and things started to fall into place.

My contractions continued while hubby got his eye appointment and arranged for my sister to take Mathilda out and give Rob a lift to hospital. Some time after that he and Mathilda both left the house when my sister arrived to pick them up.

It was quite a weird moment, because I knew deep down that it was going to be the last time I saw Mathilda as my only child.

So it was just Jenn and I in the house now and we chatted in between contractions.

She asked me to tell her all about how Rob and I met, so I started telling her. This really seemed to bring on the contractions, to which Jenn explained that there must be a lot of love there to help trigger my body into putting more effort towards having the baby!

Soon Rob arrived home from his appointment with some new eye meds to keep him going and I was getting quite uncomfortable with the contractions now. So we all decided it was a good idea to run a bath for me. It was a bit of an experiment too, to see if it slowed down my contractions. If it didn't, then we we're full steam ahead!

Getting into the water felt gorgeous and really took the edge off the contractions. So I asked to be left alone for a while so that I could really focus in on myself and get in the 'zone'. I have no idea how long I was in there alone, but I managed to cope very well with a lot of the contractions. I discovered that talking to the baby and telling her I loved her worked a treat and I also kept repeating 'moving doooooowwwnnnn' during a contraction to help with the visualisation of the baby's head descending through my pelvis.

Then things started to get a little negative. I managed to trigger a nasty contraction out of nowhere by trying to check my cervix myself (I had been doing this occasionally throughout the last couple of weeks of pregnancy). It knocked me for six and I obviously made a lot of noise because I heard feet running up over the stairs and it was Rob and Jenn coming in to check if I was alright.

They offered me food and drink (I think I managed a spoonful of yogurt and a sip of water) and they stayed around to help me through. It was getting quite hard to integrate the pain now and I started getting nervous and doubting my strength to carry on. Next thing I know I'm thinking about packing it all in and getting a c-section! It really was as if I had two voices in my head. One was cheering me on, being all positive and the other was like a black cloud of fear, negativity and self-loathing. It was saying 'you can't do this! Who are you kidding? You failed last time and you'll fail again, so just cut to the chase and demand a c-section. It'll save a lot of grief on everyone's part.'

I tried desperately to push this voice out of my head but it remained lingering in the background as the contractions got worse.

Jenn suggested I try to get out of the bath and snuggle up in the 'nest' I had made downstairs to try and gain some control back and then decide what to do from there.It took a huge amount of effort and will-power to get out of the bath but I managed it and had a contraction or two down over the stairs. During one of these I decided to tell Jenn (as I clung on to her for dear life!) about the bad thoughts I had been having. She of course reassured me I was doing fantastically and was coping really well. It felt good to hear that I wasn't making a 'scene' and that everything so far was looking pretty normal for a woman in labour. I guess my previous experience was so 'abnormal' that I didn't really know what 'normal' felt like.

So I carried on labouring in the front room again, knees on the cushioned floor and upper body draped over pillows on the sofa. It was very snuggley and warm but not offering much relief from the contractions. Rob called my doula to let her know that things were really progressing and that she needed to come over ASAP. At this point it wasn't decided if Jenn would stay or leave once my doula arrived. Within minutes things seemed to progress even more. My contractions were coming thick and fast and I was off in 'la-la-labourland'. I think Rob then rang the hospital to let them know we were coming in and before I knew it we were leaving the house and piling into Jenn's car.

The journey to the hospital was not fun. Every tiny little bump triggered nasty contractions that didn't seem to have a build-up, so there was no way to prepare for them. I remember Jenn talking me through them as she was driving, telling me to imagine walking up a steep hill, then as the contraction would peak (top of the hill) it was time to walk down and breathe it out. I found this really worked for me. Sometimes it's easy to forget that contractions don't last forever and that you always come out of the other side.

When we arrived at the hospital I started to feel very teary and low. It was difficult to walk and hobbling down the corridors brought back a lot of memories from my previous labour. Rob and I checked in while Jenn parked her car (my doula had been informed to bypass our house and come straight to the hospital by this point). We were met by two midwives and they showed us to my room, which had just been cleaned out and the floor was still wet. It was stark and bright and cold (the windows had been flung open to release the smell of floor cleaner - lovely).

I instantly hit a wall. I bent over the bed, face down onto the mattress and struggled through intense contractions while the midwives nagged at me about VBAC patient protocols, to which they were informed that I didnt want to have continuous fetal monitoring.

They then had a bit of a to-do over the lack of birth plan in my notes (ok, my fault. It was on my list of things to do, ok?!) but luckily Rob and Jenn handled it very well for me while I spiralled into a very dark place.I started demanding a c-section under general anaesthetic. I said that I had been lying to myself and everyone else. There was no way I could handle any more pain and I didn't want to go through all the same as my previous labour again to end up with an emergency c-section. So let's cut to the chase and get it done. At some point my doula arrived, and between her, Jenn and the midwives I was told that I could not have a c-section because I didn't need one.

Oooh I was grumpy after that! I started whimpering and crying and felt totally crushed.

But then Jenn and my doula set about sorting things with the midwives (as in explaining what I wanted), drawing the curtains, closing the windows, wrapping me up warm, giving me food and water, rubbing my back and just generally working their magic.

I asked Jenn to stay for the time being as I felt I needed her there (the original plan was for her to keep me company at home during early labour and then for my doula to take over at the hospital).

The midwives wanted to do a quick check of the baby's heartbeat and rigged me up to a monitor. I wasn't too happy about this as it involved getting onto the bed, which was painful and difficult. My doula gave me a foot massage and talked me through contractions. Luckily all sounded well with the heart rate and I must've got off the bed soon afterwards (even though I don't remember doing it). I ended up on a birthing ball with Jenn and my doula on either side of me.

I can't remember much of what happened but I know it was tough. Some very intense contractions occurred and I can remember standing up and holding onto my doula while shuddering and nearly biting down on her wrist. Next thing I know the midwives appear and suggest checking my dilation progress. I did actually want to know what was going on as I had been labouring for a good while but I also knew it was going to hurt so with reluctance, I agreed.

I couldnt get up onto the bed again so one of the midwives checked me on the floor, on my side. I felt like a feral animal being examined by a vet. It was not one of my most elegant moments, to say the least! Fortunately, and to my surprise she was very quick and declared I was at 5cm but during a contraction I was going to 7cm. Which was really good news! I then started to feel much better and most negative thoughts left my head. I was going to have this baby! In hindsight, my doulas and I believe I must've hit transition when I got into hospital. Hence all the whining and c-section demanding on my part. I also believe that the drive and arriving at the place where it all went wrong last time had a HUGE psychological impact on me. Thank goodness I had my doulas to see me through it.

So I carried on labouring for a bit more on the birth ball, spirits lifted and managing to eat some melon my doula had brought in. It was still very intense through contractions and I felt like I was lagging. So there was a brief talk about pain relief (admittedly initiated my me), where the midwife almost excitedly told me all about the wonders of diamorphine. But in the end we all agreed to try a bath first and see where that lead us.

While the bath was being drawn I had to pee in a commode. Again, not one of my most elegant moments! After that, we all set off down the corridor to the bathroom (which was handily right at the other end). I held onto Rob and hobbled along like an old lady, my hips felt like they were popping and cracking with every step. At one point I actually found the strength from somewhere to walk through a contraction. This actually quite impressed me and made me realise I wasn't such a wimp after all!

The bathroom was very 'functional' but I didn't care, I just wanted to get into the lovely hot, enticing bath in front of me. My doula put some lavender essential oil in the water for me while I undressed and then climbed in.

Two words; utter bliss! Water really does take the edge off things when you're in labour. For me, it's not so much about relieving pain but more to do with supporting my weight and making it easier to move around. I tried all sorts of positions in that tub and could easily rest in between contractions.

Things were going nicely, so we sent Rob off to our room to rest his eyes. I continued to labour with Jenn and my doula mothering me with one of the midwives every now and again checking the heart rate of the baby with a Doppler.

I was well and truly in a hypnotic state by now. I can only remember snippets of events such as Jenn and my doula stroking my hair, singing to me, reminding me to keep my shoulders relaxed, feeding me honey and sips of fruit smoothies and pouring water over my bump. I remember also having what some might consider an outer body experience. While resting between contractions I saw myself lying in the tub with golden light radiating from me. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all blissed-out, endorphin fuelled hallucinations while I was in the tub. I did have the odd 'bad' contraction that would take every ounce of self control not to writhe around screaming like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. I found that these would happen if the ambience of the room was broken by a siren outside or someone knocking on the door.

Eventually I felt the urge to push out of nowhere. Well it wasn't an urge, it was more like my body just started pushing. The feeling of pushing is indescribable. But I'll try anyway. It's not painful, but just incredibly intense and it hit me like a freight train. There's nothing I could do to control it, my body just did the work and all I could do was make the most crazy and primal noises to get through it.

It was a welcome relief to the intense burning ache of the relentless contractions and I remember just feeling in awe of my body and the sensations I was feeling. I often ended a push by repeating 'woah!' and 'oh my god!' over and over in sheer disbelief I was actually pushing my baby down. A completely different experience to last time where I pushed for 3 hours, on my back, paralysed from an epidural but still able to feel everything because it hadn't worked properly with midwives counting to 10 as I bore down to no avail.

The midwife asked to check me, to make sure I was fully dilated and within seconds she was finished and telling me the baby's head was about an inch and a half away from my vaginal opening, so she was coming either way! I then checked myself and yes, I could definitely feel a head there, along with the caul that was ballooning slightly - my waters still hadn't broken. I carried on pushing in the tub, trying various positions. The energy in the room was very positive. So we decided to let Rob know what was happening and within minutes he was in the room with us.

He looked so happy and proud, despite the fact I was making noises I never thought were possible for a human being to make. I was fully expecting him to take one step into the room and then high tail it out again! I guess he could see in my face that I was, dare I say it, actually enjoying pushing.

After a while, things were going well, but not actually progressing. Baby's heart rate was fine, I was fine, but her head was not moving. The midwives were itching to rupture my membranes but instead it was suggested by my doulas that I got out of the bath and move to the room next door - which had now been specially prepared for the delivery. I felt so lucky to be in an NHS hospital, with essentially 2 rooms and a bathroom all to myself. Must've been a quiet day on the ward!

The delivery room did look very nice from the bathroom. It was cosier than the last one and the early evening autumnal sun was pouring in through the blinds (it was about 6pm at this point). It still took some effort to get out of the bath, as I knew things were going to get REALLY intense once I was out of the water. I tried to pee on the toilet before I ventured into the delivery room. I remember having a good strong contraction while sat on there but I honestly cannot remember if I pee'd or not! I then 'John Wayned' it out of the bathroom and into the delivery room, completely naked. I think it's safe to say I had long ago let go of any modesty issues by then. I was covered up by teeny NHS towels and led by someone to the side of the bed where some mats and sheets had been laid. The room was very busy. There was me, Rob, Jenn, my doula and both of the midwives. I quite liked it this way.

I did at least one push sort of stood up/semi squatting with my elbows on the bed. My doula was behind me, working my lower back with some shiatsu.

It was then suggested that I squat properly during the next contraction. My doula gave me some massage oil to perform some nipple stimulation on myself to bring on some good contractions. This totally works by the way.

When I felt the next contraction approaching I squatted right down and pushed. I could feel the most intense pressure in my bottom area. It was slightly scary because in any other circumstance you'd be convinced you were suffering a prolapse or something. But I pushed with all my might and felt the baby moving down.

Afterwards I think I mentioned not being able to feel my legs. So the next thing I know, I'm being sat on a plastic birthing stool. I didn't even realise they still used them and remember thinking 'how retro!'. I have to admit, I thought the stool was wonderful. It saves your legs from going numb and it holds you in the optimum position for pushing out a baby.

I was handed a mirror to see what was happening down below but it was too dark to see properly. So a wind-up torch was found from somewhere. I had another good strong contraction and afterwards I became aware of a loud whirring noise. I looked up to see Rob feverishly winding up the torch and making some joke about finally finding something he's of some use for. We all had a chuckle about that and it crossed my mind how casual and laid back birth can be, as long as you allow it.

Another contraction came and I could feel burning. This was one of my fears. Due to having a c-section last time, crowning was unknown territory for me and I was worried about the pain and, of course, tearing.
But to my surprise, it really wasn't that bad. I was too busy being in awe of the fact that now armed with a very thoroughly wound up torch, I could see my baby's head approaching (complete with pearly white membranes still intact) in the mirror.

Another contraction came, and I felt a bit more burning, along with more incredible pressure in my bottom. I clutched onto Rob's hands and started seeing stars behind my clamped shut eyelids. I then heard from someone (maybe the midwife on my left) that the head was out. I just couldn't believe it, how could I push out a baby's head and not even know?!

So I reached down and felt it. It was still in the caul so all a could feel was a slick ball shape, kind of like a water balloon but with more goo.

I was euphoric. I was in disbelief. This was it, I'm actually birthing my baby. NATURALLY, with no pain relief, no interventions. How kick ass was I?!

There was a flurry of action from the midwives and they removed the stool and positioned me on my knees so that they could catch the baby when I did the final push. They were worried that she'd be very slippery due to remaining in the caul and didnt want to risk dropping her on the floor.

The final contraction came and my body pushed out her body. I felt something give (I later found out it was my perineum to a second degree tear) and then literally felt her shoulders, torso, legs and feet come flying out of me. That was a very bizarre sensation.

Her caul finally broke as she came earth side and spilled amniotic fluid all over the floor, it was quite dramatically impressive. She was then scooted through my legs by someone and I SAW her. I saw her take her first breath. I even found out her sex and announced it to the room. I saw how she looked just like her sister. And I named her, Genevieve Autumn, born 6.58pm on 07/10/11, 9lbs 6oz.

The next few minutes were like some sort of surreal dream. I was helped across the floor to a pile of pillows and I cuddled Genevieve with Rob beside me taking photos. She was very quiet and alert and started nursing not long after we settled into our little floor nest while the midwives cleared up the carnage. I birthed my placenta naturally and Jenn and my doula cut the cord. All while I gazed upon my second beautiful daughter.

Over 3 weeks on and I'm still on a high from the birth. It was the most liberating and empowering experience of my life. I'm also still in awe of my body and what it achieved.

I think that going through labour and birth without interventions was such a personal journey for me. Even though it was only 12 hours out of my life, I feel like I transformed and grew into a different person during that time. I had to let go of fears, self-doubt, control and vanity and embraced trust in my self and my body.

VBAC is most definitely something any woman can try to achieve and I'm happy to report that my hospital VBAC experience was wonderful. I have to say however, that having my doulas around was a huge help. They not only mothered me through my labour, but also shielded me from a lot of pointless hospital aggro that happened and also made sure my wishes were heard and accepted by the midwives. So if you're put off having a HBAC due to the tiny risk associated with VBAC and would rather be in a hospital environment 'just in case' (like me) then definitely look into your choices. Just don't forget your birth plan (like me!).

Pre-School 2: Finding New Mirrors

2011-10-29T06:32:00.000-07:00

One of the side effects of having Group Therapy is that in can make you a bit disinhibited when it comes to sharing your feelings in public. It's the emotional equivalent to a fortnight sunbathing topless on the Med: suddenly, you just don't care who you bare all in front of any more. In Group Therapy, you share your deepest darkest thoughts, brace yourself for the diagnosis of 'utter nutter', and instead find a whole circle of folk nodding kindly and muttering 'that's just how it is for me' to their folded hands. You start to realise how normal it is to be a neurotic emotional wreck, and to feel not just comfortable, but positively evangelical about sharing your hopeless fragility with others for the good of all mankind. Often, being really honest about our feelings in public can provide a real release for others, giving them permission to share their own frailty more comfortably, but sometimes, it just makes people think you're nuts. For example, when I wrote about my daughter's first foray into the world of Pre-School in the post Pre-School: Demons and Ghosts, I received a real outpouring of emotion from other mothers who could relate to what I had to say and were grateful to me for voicing my - and their - difficult feelings of loss, sadness and doubt. But at the same time my cathartic words made some people feel a bit concerned: was I sure I was alright? and more importantly, was the three-year-old alright, was this little girl who had never been apart from her mummy ready for such a big step forwards?

We needn't have worried. Picking her up from her last session before half term, it was clear that she had not just 'settled in', but was now feeling comfortable enough to expose the full extent of her totally loveable lunacy to her teachers and peers. 'She's quite a character', the staff inform me, 'She never stops making up jokes', they add, 'We wanted to write you a list of her favourite activities, but actually, she just likes everything'. I know this, of course. I know her. She's like a sort of nutty professor, tripping gaily along the line between bonkers and genius and infecting everyone around her with her utter enthusiasm for absolutely everything she comes across. Today as I collect her she pulls me excitedly down the classroom to show me something she has discovered, a 'child friendly' mirror is slightly bent at the top end, and if you stand in just the right spot in front of it, to use her words, 'It makes your head go all wibbly'. She hoots with laughter as she sees herself in this new and funny way, and the staff are laughing too, we are all laughing, because it's impossible not to.

Psychotherapist Donald Winnicott (1896-1971) would have liked this moment. Winnicott understood so well the importance of the early attachment between mother and infant, and wrote about the role of the mother as 'first mirror' to her child. Initially, a baby has no sense of separateness from her mother, and therefore when she looks into her mother's face, what she finds there is understood by her as a kind of 'reflection'. If we are managing to be what Winnicott so reassuringly refers to as a 'Good Enough Mother', then we are able to reflect back to our baby feelings of approval, love and delight which she then integrates as feelings about her own self. A Good Enough Mother does this naturally and without thinking, mirroring her babies facial expressions and echoing her sounds in ways that say, 'I see you, I hear you, I understand you'. The baby feels, at a deep, pre-verbal level, 'I am seen, I am heard, I am understood'. This becomes a vital building block for the babies sense of self, greatly affecting her future sense of her own value and her emotional stability.

But as the baby grows, she begins to understand herself as a separate person in her own right. The 'mother-mirror' is still vitally important, reflecting back approval and unconditional love. But the baby starts to meet new mirrors. These mirrors might say, 'You are beautiful / interesting / hilarious', but they might equally well say, 'You are annoying / boring / not funny'. Part of the experience of becoming an individual involves experiencing our different reflections in the many mirrors we encounter, and through this coming to know more about who we are, and to learn, change and adapt ourselves accordingly. Being 'just with mummy', is a bit like 'one to one' therapy - there is a peacefulness and a security, knowing that the therapist is holding you safely and will reflect back only empathy and kindness. Out there at Pre-School, out there in the world, it's a bit more like group therapy, where the reflections back are many and varied, and this can sometimes feel both risky and enlightening.

From a secure attachment, a strong sense of self develops, and we become ready to jump towards independence rather than be pushed. The early 'good-enough-mother-mirror' makes us strong enough to take our chances with the Hall of Mirrors that is the 'group'. At Pre-School, I see my daughter beginning to find new reflections in new mirrors; sometimes joyful and funny, and sometimes more challenging, and I think it's a positive experience for her. It's pretty disappointing really, because we are attachment parents who do things like co-sleeping, extended nursing, and babywearing, and it wouldn't have taken much of a leap for us to go down the home-schooling route. Things may change of course, but for now, it looks like we are going to be rather irritatingly conventional on this one. I keep reminding her that if she doesn't like it, she can call me and I'll come and get her, but unfortunately, the phone never rings.

Not that there's much they can teach her of course. Last Sunday, out for a family walk, I was buried in thoughts about the petition to Amazon and thinking about what a jerk I had been to tell the world there was going to be an article about it in the Sunday Times before I actually had a copy in my hand. The article hadn't made the final edition, and I was reeling not just from disappointment but from the fear that I had made myself look rather stupid. Whilst I was busy musing and fuming to myself, my partner was trying to help the three-year-old over a stile. 'No! Don't help me!', I heard her telling him, 'I want to do it all by my own self, because...learning...is falling'. 'Learning is Falling'. Let me repeat that. Learning is Falling. Not falling is learning. That would mean something different. Think about it. Learning is Falling. It takes some people a lifetime of meditation to reach that kind of enlightenment. I'm convinced, she's amazing, brilliant, gifted, brighter than bright. But then I would think that. I'm her mother. To me, she will always be the fairest of them all.