Change Your Life...

The Last Chocolate on Earth

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 10:45:00 +0000

There you have it. Sitting there on the table in front of you. The last chocolate on earth. A rare disease has wiped out the cocoa plant, there's been panic buying of chocolate the world over, shelves are empty. And you, you own the very last chocolate on earth. And you're just about to eat it.

Now given it is the last chocolate on earth, the question is not if you're going to eat it, it's how are you going to eat it? Are you going to whoof it down, texting with one hand, flicking through a magazine with the other, barely registering that it's passed your lips, is now in your mouth, now swallowed. Gone forever. Or are you going to savour every moment, the taste, the texture, the smell, the emotions it induces, the sugar rush, the endorphin high? Will you allow your senses to revel and luxuriate in this amazing thing that is chocolate or are you going to let the opportunity pass you by, your mind too distracted to fully appreciate that after your last swallow, chocolate is history.

Why I'm hypothesising about the extinction of chocolate will be made clear in just a moment. Because how we eat has a lot to do with our weight, much more than we realise. It's arguably as important as what we eat.

If you're trying to lose weight, you'll no doubt be very conscious of cutting out so-called "bad foods". That means avoiding sugary snacks and fatty foods and sticking to a low-fat, low-sugar diet. But the reason so many diets fail is because we create that list of forbidden food in the first place. We're human. And that means, generally speaking, if something is forbidden we want it even more.

But just look at the dietary make-up of an average block of milk chocolate. One square has 27 calories and 1.5 grams of fat. One row has 132 calories and 7.5 grams of fat. Neither of those are going to do too much damage to your diet. However, if you're going to eat the whole block - that's 1,320 calories and 75 grams of fat. Now that's diet-busting stuff.

So, if the key to a successful weight-loss programme means eating healthily, cutting down on fat and sugar and allowing ourselves little treats here and there, how do we draw the line under what starts out as a little treat and ends up as a major chocolate blow-out? Well, let's go back to how we eat.

If you eat without really tasting or appreciating your food, you are robbing your senses of real and necessary pleasure. Your stomach may be full but your senses are starving. So you'll keep on eating. You won't stop at just that one square of chocolate, you'll keep going until it's all gone. And even then you won't feel satisfied. You'll keep eating to fill a black hole without ever realising the black hole exists.

It's not just about eating and losing weight, either. Being fully conscious, with no distractions, whatever you're doing, gives your senses a chance to be fully satisfied, to feel fully alive.

So - some tips to help you fully appreciate your food if you're currently trying to lose weight and struggling:

1. Sit down to eat.

2. Don't have any other distractions - don't watch TV, read a newspaper, talk on the phone, work at your computer.

3. Eat slowly. If you eat a sandwich in 3 minutes flat you won't give your brain a chance to register whether you're full or not. Give your body and your brain time to catch up with your mouth!

4. Fully taste and experience the texture and sensation of every bite of your food.

5. If you're going to eat chocolate, enjoy it!

Best wishes,

Dawn

Sticking to those New Year's Resolutions

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 09:30:00 +0000

It's that time of year again - the prospect of a New Year, a blank sheet to be better, do better - gets us making our list of resolutions. But how many times have we set off purposefully and diligently, determined to stick to that list this time.. only to see all resolve disappear come March (or earlier). How many of us are actually too scared to make a New Year's resolution in case we fail? Or is that just me?

Well, this year, I invite you to forget making New Year’s Resolutions once a year. Try making them every day.

The road to achieving your New Year’s Resolutions is marked out in days. So, you want to lose 10 pounds in two months? That’s roughly 60 days of eating fewer calories than you burn. Want to get out of debt in six months? That’s 180 days of spending less than you earn and putting that money towards paying off your debts. Need to generate more clients and income in the next month? That's 30 days of generating leads, working on your marketing and building your network.

But forget for a moment how many days you have to reach your goal. In reality, all you need to focus on is one day. Today.

Tomorrow’s successes or failures all depend on what you do today. When tomorrow comes it will simply be another “today”. So, it’s what you do today that counts. And, for that matter, it’s also what you don’t do.

Let's take an example. One of the most common New Year’s Resolutions is to lose weight. The only way to lose weight healthily is to eat fewer calories than you burn off. Or burn more calories than you eat. So if this is your goal, the only way you’re going to achieve it is by eating less, moving more or a mixture of the two.

Many of our goals are long-term. The results we want to achieve are a month or more down the line. Keeping momentum and motivation high can be a real challenge. So, using the example above, think about shifting the way you look at what you want to achieve. Rather than your goal being to lose ten pounds in two months, shift your thinking to the present: Today I want to healthily eat fewer calories than I burn. Today I want to spend 15 minutes doing some exercise.

It's easier to narrow your thinking to the next 24 hours than it is to consider the next three or more months. Being narrow-minded can sometimes be a good thing! When tomorrow comes, start all over again - make your goals anew. String all those todays together, and eventually you reach your goal as a natural and logical consequence of sticking to your daily targets.

So you’ve made your New Year’s Resolutions. Now what? Here’s your 4-step daily action plan to keeping them going:

1. Refresh. Every morning remind yourself of your goal. Make your New Year’s Resolutions all over again, every morning when you wake up. This keeps your momentum and motivation high.

2. Focus. Focus on achieving that goal today. Think only of today. Don’t beat yourself up about the mistakes you made yesterday and don’t overwhelm yourself with the long list of things you have to do tomorrow, next week, next month.

3. Move towards your goal. Make every action today one that moves you towards that goal. If your goal is to lose weight, eating chocolate cake moves you away from your goal. If your goal is to save money, blowing cash on a PS3 or new dress moves you away from that goal. Make a point of asking the question: does this move me towards or away from my goal? Always be moving towards your goal.

4. Reward yourself. Make a list of small rewards: a new book, a lipstick, 30 minutes of “me” time, a bubble bath. Allow yourself a small reward at the end of every day, even if you didn’t meet your daily target. As long as you’re still trying you’re still on the road to achieving your goal and that's worth feeling good about.

In the words of Winston Churchill: Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. In other words, you only ever fail when you give up.

Think of your New Year’s Resolutions as a plant that needs a little watering and TLC every day. If you take care of today, tomorrow takes care of itself.

Best wishes,

Dawn

We're most scared of what we can't see...

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 10:23:00 +0000

A few days ago I had the real pleasure of talking to the wonderful "Heart Doctor" Cathy Matarazzo and her co-host, intrinsic coach, Warren Wojnowski on their brand new radio show Let's Get Real Radio.

We talked about big versus small change, leaps of faith compared to baby steps and everything in between. We also talked about that old biggie - Fear - and how it can keep us stuck.

Cathy asked me if I still had fears of my own to confront. Well, no sooner had the show finished then I found myself facing a real-life fear up close and personal. Alone in the house at 8pm there was a power cut. The house was plunged into darkness (it gets real dark in the country).

Heart pounding, my immediate thought - silly as this now seems - was that someone was trying to break into the house and had cut the electricity. My response? I froze. Standing on the landing in complete darkness I knew I had to go downstairs and find the flashlight but what kept me stuck was not being able to see. I imagined all kinds of worst case scenarios - mostly involving men in balaclavas jumping out at me. How long did it take to convince myself to move? Maybe about five minutes, but they were five very long, gut-wrenching minutes.

In the comfort of bright daylight here in the relative safety of my office I realise that what that little experience teaches me is that fear is at its strongest when we can't see. When we can't see where to put our feet, where the handholds are, what obstacles we might bump into, whether there's a sheer drop we're just inches from stepping into - we freeze. We stay there in the darkness, feeling better off if only because we're not moving forward.

In real life, not knowing what's on the other side of a major life change or decision is enough to root us to the spot.

Talking to Cathy I was minded to recall the quote that got me moving when I felt the most stuck in my life. It's by Anaïs Nin.

And the time came when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom

I quote this often for a reason. There comes a point where staying where we are - unhappy, unfulfilled, unappreciated - is more frightening than taking those first steps to a new life, to change, to taking control of our own happiness.

You can hear the whole interview with Cathy here

(Check out Cathy's fantastic laugh. If that isn't enough to put a smile on your face I don't know what is!)

Oh, and by the way, there weren't any men in balaclavas. It wasn't a break in. It was just a power cut. And I did make it down from the landing - eventually.

Best wishes,

Dawn

Small Change. It Adds up to a Lot

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 15:38:00 +0000

When I think about it, I must be something of a change junkie. Looking back over the past 20 years, I've moved country (and continent) five times, moved house more than a dozen times and changed career three.

Each of those moves was a significant life change, involving a big blind leap of faith on my part, grabbing an opportunity and believing all the pieces (small things like oh, where to live and which hospital I might have my baby in) would fall into place. Which they did. Luckily, some might add.

July 4th, 1992, for example, saw me sleeping on a friend's couch having lost a relationship, job and home all in the space of a weekend. It also saw me swimming under the stars at my friend's condominium and feeling freer than I ever had in my life. In the words of Charles Dickens, it was the best and the worst of times. It was also one of the biggest opportunities I have been given - a chance to start from scratch.

The road I thought I was going along quite happily, quite simply disappeared under my feet. It was time to find, or create, a new one. Anything was possible and it was all up to me and what my next decision would be. What I did next took me from San Francisco to Hong Kong and a new career in publishing and media. Out of some of those darkest moments came a dazzling new opportunity. Time to shed off the old and embrace a whole new "New".

Now, I'm not advocating big life-changing decisions right here and now for everyone. But what I love about those big changes is how everything gets thrown up in the air and the cards are allowed to land where they may. They throw up new connections, friendships, hobbies, new sights, sounds, smells. Change that dramatically alters the environment we live and sense in, teaches us ultimately, that what we own and what we have around us pales into insignificance in comparison to who and what we are. And what we're made of.

Big change makes you feel alive. It can also, by the way, almost kill you with stress.

Change junkie that I am, even I recognise that for most of us, the best, most satisfying, longest-lasting (and least traumatic) kind of change is that which occurs a little bit at a time. One eentsy weentsy baby step and then another, then another.

Change doesn't have to play out like a big Hollywood epic. Small changes are those which, on the surface, don't appear to be much, and perhaps no one else notices, but can lead to some of the most transformational shifts in our own behaviour.

Small shifts - deciding to be on time this time, taking one sugar not two in your coffee, choosing to smile more - they're not hard to achieve. They just take a level of deciding and committing.

Imagine we're trains (go with me). You may have noticed this - but trains don't do right angles. They simply can't. Their mass and speed and length makes the whole notion absurd. If a train needs to change direction it does so one millimeter at a time. Very gradually the tracks curve left or right, no sharp movements, no massive change in direction. But before you know it, you've arrived at Brighton rather than Waterloo.

That's not to say 90 or 180 degree changes are wrong. Just not always necessary. Why make a dramatic change when a small one will do?

Sometimes, when we're fed up with our lives, we're tempted to make those big sweeping changes just for the sake of change. But sometimes it only takes a small thing to make all the difference. You may not need to find a new job, but rather change small elements of the one you have. You may think you need to lose 10 pounds, when in reality losing just two makes you feel and look better.

When it comes to making changes, the following is true:

Change does happen overnight. It's the process of getting to the change that takes time.
The toughest place to be is Making a Decision
Smart change means resisting the temptation to throw everything away. It means recognising and keeping what's good, and addressing the not-so-good.
The unknown is a doorway not a cliff. Change may be terrifying but it is also liberating.

For more, read 10 Ways to Change Your Life in an Instant

In the meantime, I'll be talking about those small changes and how they can dramatically improve your life tonight on Let's Get Real Radio with Cathy Matarazzo, (7pm to 8pm UK time). Listen in here: http://www.letsgetrealradio.ca/

Best wishes

Dawn

10 Ways to Change Your Life in an Instant

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 15:27:00 +0000

Contrary to what some might say, change does and can happen overnight. It happens quickly when we experience a deep and profound shift in the way we think. We get to the line we need to cross, step over it and realise we are never going to take the step back again.

While this shift can happen in an instant, it is often as a result of weeks, months, even years of agonising and deliberating over. The most difficult place to be is stuck in the process of making a decision.

With that in mind, here's a set of life-hacking techniques to bring change into your life without the fuss.

1. Change your perception
How we perceive our current situation is our reality. Changing our perception changes our reality. Sounds a bit heavy I know - but what this means is, you can change your life simply by looking at it in a different way. People experience this most dramatically when they have a chance to see their own life in contrast to someone better or worse off. Your problems don't seem like problems compared to a prisoner's or someone with only months to live, for example.
Action  Ask yourself: How can I look at this situation differently/more positively/from a different angle? List the ways your perception of the situation might be hindering rather than helping you.

2. Tackle Your Tolerations
Tolerations are all those annoying things we're putting up with: the dripping tap, the pile of filing that's been sitting on the desk for months. The cumulative effect is that they zap energy and leave you feeling irritable and overwhelmed. Hardly a great frame of mind to be in if you want to create change in your life.
Action  Grab a piece of paper and a pen. Write down everything (and everyone) that is bothering you. Don't edit yourself. Carry on writing until you can't think of anything else. Your goal is now to tackle one thing on that list per week. Get the tap fixed. Do your filing. Cross each item off as you do it. Your goal is to get to ZERO tolerations. How long it takes is up to you.

3. Change what you really think of yourself
How often does the internal critic pop up in your head listing all the ways you don't measure up? We believe everything we tell ourselves - unfortunately it's human nature to focus on our negatives rather than our positives. But how true are our own self-criticisms?
Action   Day One- Spend a day taking note of all the times you say (out loud or internally) something negative about yourself. How often do you say things like - I'm so fat, I'm useless at numbers, etc etc? Write these down. Take each one and challenge it. Are you really all those things you say about yourself? Day Two and onwards - every time you catch yourself saying something negative, stop. Swap it for something positive. The goal is to eliminate all negative limiting beliefs from your thoughts.

4. Try something you've never done before
There's nothing like trying something new and different to alter your perspective and get you out of a rut.
Action   Make a list of everything you really want to do or try in your life. Choose one thing. Do it. Move on to the next thing. Ask yourself - what is stopping me from doing this? What would it take for me to do this?

5. Find out where A is
To get anywhere different you need to have a clear picture of where you're starting from.
Action   Take stock. Do a Life Audit. Assess your relationships, physical health, finances, work and career. Where are you really? What are you in denial about/not facing up to. This is point A - your starting point.

6. Decide where you want B to be
Action   Imagine your own idea of a perfect life. Where do you live, what do you do? How often do you go out, what do you like to do in your spare time? Write it down. No need to edit, it's not an exercise in what's realistic. It's pure escapism (for the time being). What would it take you to get from where you are now (point A as defined in 5) to where you want to go - Point B? Be your own Sat Nav.

7. Perform a random act of kindness
It sounds a little twee maybe but it works. My own coach selects a random name from the phone directory every Christmas and sends that person £20 along with a note asking them to accept the gift and enjoy it however they see fit. That might not be to everyone's taste. But psychological research shows giving makes us feel happy and more fulfilled.
Action Find your own way to perform a random act of kindness.

8. Change your routine
We get into a pattern where we accept the routines we've created for ourselves. Don't settle. If you need a quick boost or feel in need of instant change, make a few alterations to your day.
Action Change the time you get up, exercise, what you have for breakfast, your route to work and your means of getting there, what you do for lunch, what you do when you get home and so on. You don't have to change everything. Pick one or two things if that's what feels right. Small changes to your routine can be enough to kick-start you out of the rut.

9. Stop should-ing yourself
Ever caught yourself saying "I should be doing x" or "I really need to do y"? The word should rings alarms bells to coaches as it indicates that a client is doing something that goes against what they really want to do. It does not come from an internal desire or motivation. Someone who says "I really should lose weight" hasn't yet got to the place where they want to lose weight, so any chance of actually sticking to a diet and exercise programme is highly unlikely.
Action   List all the times you say should. Catch yourself when you say it. Challenge why you are using the word "should". Do you really want to lose weight, take a job offer, follow a certain career path - or are these someone else's expectations of you. Ask yourself: who am I doing this for? Practise saying no to things you feel you "should do" and focusing on things you are motivated to do.

10. Just say Yes
Do you automatically say no to something - a request, an invitation - without thinking it through? We can get into a pattern of saying no, when if we really thought about it, there's no reason not to say Yes. I'm thinking of my own children and how often they'll come to me to ask me something - along the lines of "Can you read me a story?" or "Can you play with me? And, being busy in the middle of making dinner or sending an email, I usually brush it off with a "Not now, later".  What I find, in reality is just 5 minutes of my attention makes all the difference.
Action What are you saying No to when there's no reason not to say Yes?

Good luck with all your changes - big and small!

Best wishes,

Dawn

I felt so bad I...

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 17:31:00 +0000

When it comes to physical and emotional pain, we're quite clear on whether something hurts or not, and of course where it hurts. What we're not so clear on describing is how something hurts, or how much.

In other words, when we're trying to tell someone how bad we really feel, do they actually get it? Do they understand completely, this huge abstract and intangible thing we feel as pain? They can't see it, or touch it. Is their understanding of our pain limited by the language we use to express it?

According to Dr David Biro, author of The Language of Pain - Finding Words, Compassion and Relief, the answer is usually yes. Describing pain in more detail and more specifically to your doctor, for example, he says can make all the difference to your treatment, and can in some cases save your life.

"A good description of pain can be as important as a physical exam or an MRI scan in making the right diagnosis of an illness", (The Importance of Describing Pain to your GP, Dr David Biro, The Times, 31st August 2010).

"Saying your pain is a seven out of ten doesn’t convey very much," he says. "Rather, tell the doctor how pain affects your life — it’s so bad that it wakes me up at night - and what makes it better or worse - it helps to prop my leg on a pillow. A good story always registers more effectively than an abstract number."

"A good story always registers more effectively than an abstract number"

So what about our emotional pain? Does the same rule apply when trying to convey how another's words or actions might have hurt us, for example?

With that in mind, I adapted Dr David's methodology to my own coaching sessions, in particular with the idea of helping my clients create a breakthrough in communication whether in their personal or professional lives. In the case of William*, a rugby-playing, hard-edged Alpha Male, the results were so profound, they've changed his negotiating style for the better.

William was furious with his solicitors who had, he believed, acted completely negligently in the purchase of his new house, to the extent that the sale almost didn't go through. To William, this wasn't just any house, it was his dream home, a beautiful house in a rural setting he'd first set eyes on some eight months' earlier. After months of negotiating, the house was almost his, until his solicitor got involved and started causing problems.

"It was clear he was too busy to read through the information he was being sent through by the vendor's solicitors. He wasn't passing on questions I had about the house, I had to rewrite letters he was sending to the other side, and on the day we were about to exchange, he went on holiday. The first I knew about it was the "out of office" notice I received when I sent him an email".

Says William, "I completely lost it at that point. I got angrier than I have ever been in my life. I could feel my blood pressure rising and I felt absolutely sick with stress and dread".

William came to me wanting some coaching ahead of a phone call he wanted to make to his solicitor to go over the handling of the conveyancing and also to negotiate the fees down.

As we discussed how he wanted the negotiations to go, I was aware that William was using very vague and emotionless words to describe his feelings. He said things like, "The service was completely unacceptable" and, "The handling of this was incredibly unprofessional". The words may sound very adult and sensible but they did little to convey the desperation William had actually been feeling at the time. The words were a barrier rather than a conduit.

I suggested instead that he be absolutely truthful and give a very colourful description of how his solicitor's actions had made him feel including the consequences of those feelings, along the lines of "Your handling of this case was so shockingly poor I became so stressed to the point that I was physically ill".

William thought about it for a moment. Talking about feelings wasn't usually part of his professional everyday vocabulary. But after a while I could see he was getting quite enthusiastic about the idea. He said he would give it a go.

I didn't have to wait long to find out how it went. A day later, William bounded up to me with a twinkle in his eye. "You know that advice you gave me, about describing to my solicitor how ill I had felt over his handling of the house sale? Well it absolutely worked. Thank you."

According to William, the conversation had started very stilted, with both sides acting defensively to the point where no progress was being made. "But when I said how ill the whole situation had made me, the conversation changed. We started talking on the same level. I think by being so open and honest, it brought down some barriers. Everything changed from that point on".

William was able to negotiate the fees down, the lawyer apologised, the conversation ended on a mutually agreeable note.

Being specific about how things affect us - not just "this upset me" or "I was bothered by"... but saying "I was so annoyed I went home in a mood, and had an argument with my husband and my whole evening was ruined" or "She provoked me so much I literally broke down sobbing" - can be incredibly transformative. It may sound weak to describe your feelings in this way, but by doing so you paint a picture of colour and depth to the other person in a way they can't help identify and, hopefully, empathise with.

In other words:

1. Be specific - say exactly what's bothering you and why.

2. Be descriptive - describe how something has affected you on a personal level.
3. Describe the consequences of how something has made you feel: "I was so upset by your comment I didn't sleep all night", for example, rather than "I was really upset".

Best wishes,

Dawn

Dr David Biro teaches at SUNY Downstate, an academic medical centre in New York. The Language of Pain: Finding Words, Compassion, and Relief by David Biro is published by W. W.Norton, 18.99

http://www.davidbiro.com/

Step Away from the Crazy

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 10:50:00 +0000

The problem with a problem sometimes isn't actually the problem itself. Sometimes, the real problem with a problem is how consumed we become by it. We dwell on it, go over and over it in our minds, lose sleep over it, get ourselves twisted and tied up in knots and let that problem start to take over. That is, until we find a solution.

Ironically, the more we dwell and focus on the problem, the less easy finding a solution becomes. Standing too close to a problem looks something like this.

That's a really nice big crazy mess you've got there.

Well, keeping your eyes on that same big crazy mess, take a step back. Take ten. At some point soon, it might start looking something like this:

This is the same problem, in perspective. All that white space is the other stuff in our lives. It's the friends we spend time with, the community we live in and engage with, it's the walk with the dog or the exercise at the gym, it's browsing a book shop, it's surfing the net. It's nice and clear, trouble-free white space. And it's where, more often than not, the solution to your brain-numbing problem lies.

How often have you struggled with an issue, only to have a friend inadvertently come up with the right answer? How often have you had a light bulb moment while exercising or in the shower, or doing the washing up? Incidentally, Agatha Christie said she used to come up with all her plots while doing the washing up. i.e. not sitting at her desk with a pen and paper trying to develop a story. Creating distance creates white space. Or in other words, if you focus too hard on a problem that's all you will see.

Five top problem busters:

1. Step away from the problem. Switch off your computer, iPad, mobile, whatever you're tied to. Remove yourself from the physical environment you're in - get outside, go for a walk, do anything but think about the issue you're wrestling with.

2. Change your routine. Our brains get set in their ways and become lazy when it comes to problem solving. We have a routine, we stick to it, our brains accept the status quo. Changing your routine creates a shift in your brain, forcing it to wake up and react to new stimuli. Shifts are great for creativity. And creativity is great for problem solving. So change what you eat for breakfast, the route you take to work, the music you listen to, do something you wouldn't normally do like enroll in a salsa class or get out of town for a day.

3. Speaking of creativity. The most effective problem solvers are the most creative. And I don't mean artists or musicians or dancers, necessarily. Creative problem solving means looking at every single factor and resource available and then coming up with as many different ways to combine those factors and resources to solve the problem. Make a list of everyone and everything around you who might offer a solution. Now list every single way in which each of those can help. Don't dismiss any ideas at the start, just list them all, even if they seem ridiculous. Now start whittling down the list until you're left with one or two good solutions.

4. Let people know you need help. People like to help and, more often than not, will if they can. Don't keep a problem to yourself when three or four people around you might be only too willing to pitch in and help you out. One of many of my grandma's sayings: "A problem shared is a problem halved".

5. Keep things in perspective and keep it light! Ask yourself, on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad is this problem? Handle it appropriately. Keep a sense of humour and build in some fun to your day. Remember fun? Your problem won't go away if you go out and enjoy yourself, but keeping things in perspective will ultimately help you get through.

Best wishes,

Dawn

So, where were we?

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 12:18:00 +0000

At the start of 2010, there was a hope that this year would bring good things, exciting developments and most of all positive changes. It hasn't disappointed.

Over the summer I moved to a farm in East Sussex, complete with a paddock, orchard, deer and rabbits in the garden, blackberry bushes and apple trees wherever we go, and breathtaking views over the Downs and surrounding farmland. It is truly beautiful and most of the time I catch myself, wondering what on earth I've done to deserve all this.

True, I was expecting the move to be more stressful. They say moving house is up there with death and divorce in terms of creating stress. I knew that, was aware of it and expected the stress levels to soar through the roof when I moved my family "to the country". It wasn't just a house move, but a lifestyle move, merging two families into one, and getting used to a whole new way (read: slower) way of living out in our East Sussex village. But some of the stress in our lives really is of our own doing, something I've become acutely aware of these past two weeks.

Not quite having made the adjustment to the different pace of life, when the kids started school last week I left the house half an hour early to drive the two miles to the neighbouring village. I was expecting the usual heavy "school run" traffic - "Chelsea tractors", traffic backed up for miles, a 15-minute battle to find a parking space within a mile of the school gates.

Well, the roads were completely empty. Not a car, not a bike. Not even a real tractor.

We arrived at the school 20 minutes early, me clearly looking like the keenest Mum on the block. Taking on board the expression When life gives you lemons, make lemonade we spent 15 minutes watching and talking to the ducks on the pond by the school. When the gates finally did open, the usual school commute stress had evaporated completely. Which, if anything, helped me blend in with the other parents who all looked remarkably stress-free, happy and relaxed.

Sometimes it's not the big life changes that cause the most stress, but the smaller mental shifts we have to make as a consequence. Those small mental shifts - getting used to the layout of a new house, where all the light switches are, which day the rubbish goes out - all feel like they're firing up different synapses in the brain. Which is perhaps why a change really is as good as a rest! It's a break from routine, it shakes things up a bit, gives you a different perspective on life - all those good cliches!

But, just in case I miss the faster pace of life, I will be up in London several times a month to take my usual coaching sessions. And the usual coaching news, tips and guides will be back from next month.

Best wishes,

Dawn

Five lessons I learnt in the swimming pool

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Mon, 17 May 2010 11:19:00 +0000

Back in February of this year I decided to start swimming. I've never been a great swimmer, actually not even very comfortable in water. On the first attempt I managed two lengths (of a very small pool). My heart felt like it was going to burst through my chest, my legs and arms felt wobbly, the blood in my ears pounded. Slightly disappointing, in other words.

I don't know why I continued over the next few days and weeks. I do remember using the promise of the sauna and steam room as a reward for sticking it out for another five minutes. Just five minutes more. Two lengths became five, five became 10. I remember the day I told family and friends I'd be breaking through the 20-length barrier that day. I did 30.

Okay, I'm sounding like I'm showing off but really I'm just trying to say I'm a rubbish swimmer, so if I can do it anyone can. So, now I swim 50 lengths three or four times a week. And I love it. The calmness of the water, feeling how much stronger my arms and legs are these days, the hypnotic, meditative rhythm of hearing my breathing in my ears as I dip underwater and surface to exhale. I am converted.

By thirty lengths I get into my stride, my mind tunes out and swimming becomes hypnotic. It's in the last 20 laps I like to think I do my best thinking. This morning I started to see how lessons from the swimming pool can be used in real everyday life.

1. Don't limit yourself to rules of your own making
My pool has three blue lines painted on the bottom. They demarcate the lanes. This morning I started off with the pool to myself. No reason to stick to any particular lane then I thought. So, very indulgently, I swam down the middle of the pool, spreading out, feeling very good about myself. Five minutes later I was joined by an elderly woman. We nodded to each other and she got in... right next to me, following the blue line painted on the bottom, even though she also had plenty of pool to spread out in. This forced me up against the side wall. I started to get a bit annoyed. I tried to think of coach-like ways to say "Can you move over?". "Look at all this space, isn't it nice to be able to spread out..?" In the end I decided to just tune the external distraction out and concentrate on my own swimming. But I wondered - why do some people stick to the lines, even when they've got a whole pool to spread out in?

2. Choose the right goal
At one point, buoyed on by my progress, I boasted my ultimate goal would be to swim 100 lengths. When I started regularly swimming 50 lengths I noticed it took me about 25 minutes. I feel great, I've lost weight, toned up and feel healthy. It's 30 minutes of exercise, three times a week. Just what the doctor ordered. I suddenly questioned whether there was any real reason to aim for 100 lengths? Would I feel any better than I do now, or was it just an ego trip? Worse, that would be an hour in the pool which could lead to boredom and fatigue. The 100-length goal suddenly didn't seem so valid after all. So, regularly re-evaluate your goals - if they're still relevant fine, if not, dump them.

3. The more people in the pool, the choppier it gets
It's all very well swimming in an empty pool. The water's calm and peaceful, it's easy to hit your stride. As more people get in though, the water gets choppier, it gets harder to move yourself forward and not be rocked side to side by the "waves", water gets in your eyes and mouth... it's not pleasant. The same could be said to be true of the office, your business dealings, your home life.. the more people involved, the choppier it gets. In the water, you wear goggles, you hold your breath. More important you shut your mouth so as not to swallow the swimming pool.

... wear goggles, hold your breath, shut your mouth. Develop a way to protect yourself when things get rough.

4. Tune in, not out - become aware of yourself
As I mentioned above, after about 30 lengths I get into the zone. My breathing becomes really deep and regular, my arms and legs move smoothly, it becomes almost effortless. I stop thinking about swimming and start feeling the swimming, how good the water feels, how strong my arms and legs are. With the sound of my breathing as a background to my thoughts, I get into a very nice place to think about work, family, stuff that's come up, without any other distractions. When life gets noisy and there are too many distractions, it's sometimes good to block out the bigger picture and focus on the smaller things for a brief period of time.

And lastly,

5. There is a deep end. This is you out of your comfort zone. Tread water

Best wishes,

Dawn

Need vs Needy

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Wed, 12 May 2010 20:16:00 +0000

How often do you think about what you really need? Not want - that's a different thing altogether. But need. What do you really need to be happy? To be living a life that feels just comfortable, relatively easy, just right? And.... how much of that stuff do you need?

Need is a funny thing. As humans we have basic physical needs: to eat, sleep, drink. Those are pretty straight forward. But we also have emotional needs that are as every bit as legitimate as the physical ones. So why is it that we often times find it hard to a) admit to those emotional needs and b) ask for those emotional needs to be met?

Emotional needs - to be loved, cared for, listened to, respected, valued, there's a long list. They're every bit as important as having food and shelter and warmth. But there's a word that starts to creep in to a conversation about people's needs that gets used to label those needs as somehow wrong. We say someone is "needy" - or "too needy". Have you ever heard a friend or colleague explain breaking up with someone by saying he or she was "too needy"?

In essence, aren't they really saying "This person has needs I cannot meet." The failing then is with them, but by accusing the other of having needs that are unreasonable and exceptional, the blame is shifted. In reality, there is no such thing as being too needy. Needs are needs - it's how they are received that makes all the difference.

As a consequence though, no one wants to be accused of being too needy - so rather we refrain from admiting we have emotional needs at all.

Which is a real shame. When you understand what your true needs are you start to really understand yourself, your motivations for doing the things you do and the choices you sometimes subconsciously take. When you explain your needs to another person - in a personal relationship for example - you are giving them the opportunity to meet those needs, to show they care.

And it's not just personal relationships where we want our needs to be met. We have needs at work, with friends, with our children and so on.

One of my clients, Jennifer, was having a problem with a work assignment. She explained that she didn't feel she could do the job because she hadn't got the right amount of information. She was worried she would turn in a bad document and that the client would be unhappy.

I asked: What do you need your client to give you so that you can do this job well?
It was a question she hadn't thought to ask herself - so there was a long pause before she reeled off a list of information she was missing. I then asked if it would be okay for her to go back to her client and ask for them to send her all the missing data so she could complete the task. She laughed. Of course it would be okay. Why wouldn't it? The solution was quite simple but one she hadn't even thought of. Her perception was that by asking her client for what she needed - extra information - she would appear incompetent and incapable. In fact the reverse was true. The client respected her for knowing exactly what she needed to get the job done and for asking them to fulfill their side of the bargain to give that information to her.

So, in a nutshell, it's about being brave and asking for what you need. Don't expect the other person - your partner, boss, friend - to guess your needs. Only you know what they are. Ask for what you need. Most likely you'll get it.

Best wishes

Dawn

The best piece of advice I ever heard....

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 07:03:00 +0000

I can't claim it was given to me directly. I read it one weekend morning in my favourite local cafe, Zoran's in St Margarets, while lazing over the Sunday newspapers. It was an interview with computer scientist, Randy Pausch who, after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in September 2006, went on to wow a 500-strong audience at Carnegie Mellon Hall with what was called The Last Lecture just a year later. The theme of the talk was Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams. In it, Randy went on to impart all the wisdom he had accumulated about life, from the unique perspective of staring death in the face every day. On a personal note, the lecture was, he said, advice he wanted to pass on to his three young children, who he knew he would never get to see grow up.

There are many of pearls of wisdom in Randy's talk, some of which I've listed at the bottom of this blog. But the one piece of advice that stood out for me was something he wanted to pass on to his daughter, on the subject of dating men. Randy said: "When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do."

That's stuck with me over the past couple of years and has certainly changed the way I perceive the whole dating experience. And if you want to do a quick litmus test of whether that man you're interested in really feels the same way, then it's certainly an eye opener! But, the bottom line is, isn't that advice just as applicable to women as it is to men, in fact to human beings as a whole? Aren't we all sometimes guilty of saying something we don't mean and promising something we may never deliver on? Some of us just do it more frequently than others.

Words are easy, they can fly off the tongue with little effort, all those promises and good intentions. But just because you say it is, doesn't make it so.

Now, I can't control what people in my life say and do. But it's true - it's the things they do or don't do that make an impression, rather than the things they say. I won't stamp my feet and demand someone do what they're say they're going to do. But I will think twice about believing that person again.

In other words, don't give empty promises and then be shocked, hurt and angry when people give up believing you are a man or a woman of your word.

Being a man or a woman of our word... it actually feels good. To say you'll do something and always, always deliver on that. To underpromise and overdeliver, isn't that far better than the other way round?

Randy died in July 2008. In his last year he went on to realise many of his childhood dreams, and also campaigned to raise awareness of pancreatic cancer - a man clearly not just of words, but of action too.

Best wishes

Dawn

Randy Pausch - The Last Lecture:

"The key question to keep asking is, Are you spending your time on the right things? Because time is all you have. "

"Wait long enough and people will surprise and impress. When you're pissed off at someone and you're angry at them, you just haven't given them enough time. Just give them a little more time and they almost always will impress you."

"If I could only give three words of advice, they would be, "Tell the Truth." If I got three more words, I'd add, "All the time."

Heart as a rudder, faith as a compass...

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 14:00:00 +0000

I'm not a sailor. The last time I tried to pretend I was, I almost crashed a friend's boat on the rocks of Alcatraz in San Francisco bay.

Sailor or not though, for the past two months I have been gripped by the day-to-day experiences of professional sailor and artist, 29-year old Lia Ditton, as she competes in what's known as the "toughest rowing race on earth". Otherwise known as the Woodvale Challenge - the race means rowing 2500 Nautical miles (or 2,876 land miles) from La Gomera in the Canary Islands to Antigua in the Caribbean. Lia and her rowing partner, 44 year-old Mick Birchall, a Detective Inspector with the Cambridgeshire Police, have been rowing alternate two-hour periods for 12 hours a day for the past 70 days. They have just 127 miles to row - maybe four or five more days of rowing - and if you go to the Atlantic Rowing Race website you can track their progress and hopefully see Dream Maker cross the finish line very very soon.

This week is most certainly their hardest. They've run out of sunscreen, toilet paper and are about to run out of food. The title of one of Lia's blogs says it all. The nearer you get, the longer it takes!

Lia's daily blog (http://www.oarsomechallenge.co.uk/) has been a fascinating insight into the highs and lows of the race. The challenge as much a psychological one as a physical one and how navigating the sometimes stormy seas of a friendship with her rowing partner, has been almost as tricky as navigating her way to shore.

As a coach, most of what I talk about with clients is setting and achieving goals. Lia's goal, however, puts a lot in perspective. Rowing across the Atlantic must surely be up there as an all-time biggie.

In Lia's own words,"Over the past 2 months, I’ve had 620 hours of thinking time! Who has such a luxury? So what have I learned during all that time at the open university? Good question ... the experience did leave its mark. Most importantly the Vipashna mantra stuck. ‘Patience and Persistence and you are BOUND to be successful."

And that's what achieving something - be it a big or small goal - really does boil down to. Patience and persistence. You put one foot in front of the other in the direction of your goal - - or in Lia's case, one oar -and if you just keep going you eventually get there.

That's it in very simplistic terms. There's a starting point, there's a finish line. It's how you manage the distance in between that counts.

Lia's family and friends must be incredibly proud of her. I'm keeping my fingers crossed they stay strong. Come on Dream Maker!

Dawn

Why Imperfect is Just Fine...

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 19:26:00 +0000

How often have you set yourself a goal - started off blazing, all systems go, only to find a few days, weeks or months into it, the enthusiasm wanes, sputters and finally dies?

I'm guilty of that as much as anyone. But last month I finally achieved something I've always wanted to do. Something I've taken a stab at almost too many times to count. But something that's always got the better of me. I wrote a novel. In 30 days.

In a moment I'll tell you how I did it and also how you can apply the same techniques to achieving almost any goal you set your mind to.

But first a little bit about National Novel Writing Month - or NaNoWriMo. It's a programme designed to get thousands of would-be novelists past the finishing line - 50,000 words, the length of a (very) short novel. The difference is its emphasis is on quantity not quality. 50,000 amazingly imperfect words not necessarily in the right order - it's a crazy ride. But the fundamental concept is that buried within all that bad writing, every writer is likely to find their own particular brand of writer's gold. And more, it's about a sense of accomplishment.

NaNoWriMo may specifically be about writing a novel, but as I churned out word after word, day after day, I realised that the same concepts can be applied to achieving any goal.

Seven steps to achieving your goals:

1. Switch off your internal critic. He or she is the one who tells you 'You can't do this', 'This is stupid' and 'You're a complete failure' or my favourite 'Who do you think you are?’ You don't need your internal critic. When has he or she ever worked in your best interests?

2. Imperfect action is better than perfect action. You can sit around tinkering with your business plan or novel until its perfect, or refrain from participating in that 10K until you're a better runner, or not bother about pitching to customers until you've got your branding just right. But ultimately, how is being perfect working for you right now? Got any clients? Finished that novel? Don't strive for perfect first time round. Cut yourself some slack. Being creative needs a little nurturing - not nagging.

3. Break your goal down into smaller, bite-size pieces. 50,000 words in 30 days sounds horrible. 1600 words a day on the other hand sounds almost ok. Likewise, if you've got a big plan such as setting up a business, developing a sales strategy or even losing weight, break it down into bits - and focus on one bit at a time. Keep your bigger goal in sight of course, but focus on the daily smaller goals to keep you on track.

4. Which leads me to Just for Today. Every once in a while it's likely you'll get overwhelmed by how big your task seems. that's when your internal critic is at his or her loudest. When that happens, forget that big ambitious picture completely. Make a very small list. Just for Today I'm going to tune out negative comments, Just for Today I'm going to pitch my idea to just one potential client, Just for Today I'm going to write 1000 words. Tomorrow can look after itself... just for today.

5. Connect with the stuff that blows your hair back. By this I mean try to find the parts of your challenge that you really love. If you're training for the London marathon right now then the next few months are going to mean going out in the cold and dark to run. Not the biggest incentive on the whole planet, I know. So instead, focus on the one thing that makes you feel good about your challenge. Perhaps it's the feeling of having done it, how your body feels after you've exercised, maybe it's the quiet time you get alone with your thoughts as you run. Focus on that feeling, and make it really big in your mind. Make it the one reason you're doing this. In my case, I fell in love with my characters, actually, my romantic lead. Well, someone had to!

6. Excellence is not an act it's a habit - to quote Albert Einstein. There were days I didn't write and then at the end of the week had to write 6,000 words just to catch up. That was hard-going. But making 1600 words a day eventually became a habit. Tomorrow's successes and failures all have their root in the actions you take today - so make them good ones.

7. Lastly, and more importantly - Just Start. Start working on your goal today. Forget the reasons why you shouldn't, needn't, can't... the longest journey begins with a single step!

While November was my month of writing dangerously, December is definitely about recovering! I wrote 50,000 words but I didn't get to the gym all month. My caffeine consumption went through the roof (in equal proportion to my chocolate consumption). And while Undercover Prince: A Deadline for Desire is unlikely to be hitting your local bookshop any time soon (but if you'd like a good laugh, I'm happy to send you a copy of my first draft), for me it's something I did, imperfectly. But now I have a first draft to work on and refine if I choose. And I didn't have that a month ago.

Best wishes,

Dawn

Just for today....

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 07:00:00 +0000

When we set ourselves goals, they often tend to be the big ones - you know, run a marathon, write a novel, set up a business. Big goals, big plans, intensive strategies. We set off, all engines blazing, full of enthusiasm, a to-do list as long as our arm typed and copied to the laptop, mobile phone, PDA (and possibly taped to the fridge) and we've made sure we've told our closest friends as well so they know we're serious, we mean business.

And then somewhere along the line, the enthusiasm cools. Usually after the first month or so it all starts to feel like hard work. You hit a stumbling block, and another, and then another and your goals and dreams starts to look a bit too... ambitious. Or even just plain stupid?

There are two things I usually do with clients who've hit that wall, when they're just so overwhelmed by how much they perceive they have to do that they become paralysed and stuck.

The first is to to tap into the feelings they had when they first imagined their goal/dream/game plan. When I say "tap into" I mean to experience the feeling fully - emotionally, mentally and physically. When we feel excited, we don't just experience it in our brains - we feel it in our bodies. Our heart beats a little faster, our blood pumps around our body quicker, we feel pumped up as the adrenaline reaches the parts of ourselves other hormones just don't reach.

Sometimes just taking a minute to recreate the feelings of excitement about a new goal can be enough to kickstart you into action, to overcome the paralysis and get moving again.

The other technique I use is something I call "Just for today"... It's about breaking your big goals down into something very small and manageable. Just as horses are blinkered as they're led to the starting line so they're not frightened by the other horses and the course in front of them, this is a method of narrowing your vision to the next 24 hours.

So, make a list. Just for today I am going to take my vitamins. Just for today I am going to eat 5 pieces of fruit and vegetables. Just for today I am going to spend two hours on my presentation. Just for today I am going to set aside an hour to do my accounts.

Forget about tomorrow and the next day and the week and month ahead. Action takes part in the present. Conversely, the mistakes of tomorrow generally have root in something we did or didn't do today. Generally, small goals we set ourselves to accomplish in the day are achievable, they're realistic and specific - and the chances of achieving them are high.

When we achieve these small goals there's a positive feedback loop - we feel good about ourselves and that "feel good factor" triggers momentum, we feel a bit more enthusiastic and energetic about getting on with our stuff.

Repeat the "just for today" exercise every day until the feeling of being overwhelmed gets squashed and you start to feel more comfortable looking at longer-range goals. It's another trick you can pull out of your bag when you start to feel you're losing sight of what's important to you.

Best wishes,

Dawn

A Week in Twitterville

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:58:00 +0000

(Or: everything I know about Twitter I’ve learnt by mistake)

Twitter is another country. It’s a country where everyone is on 24-7. And you’re the newbie immigrant, fresh off the boat. You’ve stumbled on a land where everyone seems to know what they’re doing, everyone has a language you can’t quite understand, there appear to be rules but heaven knows what they are. And boy, it’s noisy, isn’t it? So you blunder around, you mess up, you make a fool of yourself (or was that only me?).

At the time of writing this blog, I have only slightly more than 150 followers and 79 tweets so I am a bare dot on the huge intangible mass that is Twitter. In other words I am not a social networking ingénue. But I am human. So, these are not Twitter rules by any stretch of the imagination. This is my own personal Twitter survival guide pulled together after emerging blinking from a week of total Twitter immersion. I hope you don’t mind if I share. If they make sense to you use them, share them (retweet them! Get me, picking up the lingo already).

Yesterday I had to give myself a good talking to. It went something like this:

1. You have nothing to prove. No, really. You may one day even have 5,000 followers. But they won’t be hanging on to every word you say. They really won’t. Unless you’re Barack Obama, and last time I looked, you weren’t.

2. The world will go on turning if you don’t tweet for a day or two. So go on relax, prise your fingers from the keyboard. Breathe in, breathe out. Relax.

3. Remember the old days when you came across something interesting, you’d want to share it with your friends and family? How often would that happen – once a day? Two or three times a week? So all of a sudden you’re sharing everything you do from the minute you get up to the minute you go to bed? Why? Oh yes, because you can. Can doesn’t mean should.

4. Twitter is not your confidante. It’s not your best friend. Twitter is a stranger you’ve just met at a cocktail party or business function. Remember that.

5. Only tweet when you feel moved to not because you feel you must. You don’t have to be the most articulate, the most intelligent, the funniest, the most resourceful, insightful, the coolest... you just have to be you.

6. You have a real life. Remember those things attached to your body? They’re called legs. Use them, move them around a bit. Feels good, doesn’t it? Get outside. Speak to real people – you know the ones you can actually physically see. With your eyes.

7. Oh yes, performance anxiety. Just because you have people following you, you don’t have to be perfect. See Rule 1 and 5. Go ahead and get it wrong sometimes, look stupid. Laugh at yourself.

8. It’s not a competition... unless you want your epitaph to be “This woman/man was amazing on Twitter.” Ignore the follower count.

9. Twitter is not for the paranoid – if you are even slightly paranoid, you will become more so. That person who unfollows you, the deafening silence you get when you tweet something you thought was really really hilarious... all that will serve to convince you, you are the outcast at the party, so that’s why I needed rule number 10:

10. Have a Twitter Strategy – okay for the first week or so, you might get so immersed in Twitter you lose all sense of reason (your house doesn’t get cleaned, the kids don’t get fed). But once you wake from it, in my case with a bewildered look on my face (something I like to call my Twitterface), a strategy looks like a sure thing. Decide what you want to use Twitter for – business, social, a mixture of both - and then stick to it.

11. More importantly - have a Twitter Antidote. Twitter can get noisy and exhausting and overwhelming. Do something else. You were you before Twitter happened, you still are. Though perhaps slightly more dishevelled. Would it hurt you to brush your hair once in a while?

12. Tune out the noise. Personally I think it’s only good manners if someone follows you for you to follow them right back. They’re extending their hand in greeting. You wouldn’t refuse to shake someone’s hand in real life – why do it on Twitter? But your Twitter world is going to get real noisy real soon. Enter Tony Mack @TonyMackGD who put aside his own incredulity at my ignorance to kindly tell me how to use Tweetdeck to create my own lists. Thank you Tony!

13. You’re not missing anything important if you don’t read every tweet. If it’s that important it will be on the news.

14. Lighten up. Being sociable all the time is hard work, and more so if you’re pretending to be someone you’re not. It may feel like another country, but wherever you go, there you will be... even on Twitter.

Best wishes,

Dawn

You're a What?

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:11:00 +0000

If I had a pound for every time someone asked me what a business coach is... well, there's a beach in Bali that has my name on it.

I've experimented with several different ways of explaining what I do. And I'm not alone in Coach World. Trying to define the term life or business coach takes up a hefty chunk of Coach Training 101.

The one I'm currently going with (and it does change) is: well, you know how a personal trainer helps get your body in shape? A business coach is a personal trainer for your business, getting your business into the shape you want it to be, trimming the fat, building some muscle, strengthening the backbone.

Defining your product or your services to your customer can be tricky if what you do is something completely new and, as a result, foreign.

So I liked this article and video tweeted by @GuyKawasaki on a technique called Anchor and Twist
Hope you find it useful!

Dawn

What Are You Putting Up With?

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 14:22:00 +0000

If you find any word in this post that's clearly missing a c let me know and I'll give you £5.

My cat likes to sit on my laptop (because it's warm and I sometimes - stupid me - leave it open). When I tried to prise her off after her latest attempt at disguising herself as a laptop cover, she did what all cats do, she dug her claws in. And pulled the c off. After some fiddling I reattached it but ... it's not perfect. Sometimes the c works if I really make sure I push the key down hard, sometimes I forget and I type ontrary and aount. Oh rap!

(Before you go tweeting me demanding your fiver, those ones I just wrote were intentional, okay?)

This same week I also found myself wrestling with the washing machine for the umpteenth time, holding the broken cupboard door up to stop it falling on the floor while simultaneously opening the machine door with my other hand and throwing a pile of laundry inside. I then spent several minutes trying to lodge the broken door back in place so no one would notice any difference to my other "non-broken" cupboard doors. This all coincided with my neighbour casually asking me last night if my fridge light had gone out. He'd gone looking in my fridge for a bottle of white wine. I didn't dare tell him it had gone out circa Halloween 2008.

A coach colleague of mine calls it "the sand in your shoe"... in a nutshell, it's all the stuff you're putting up with for one reason or another, the stuff that irritates the hell out of you but you just haven't got round to doing anything about. Other than moan.

The sand in your shoe, what you're putting up with, your tolerations - they can sap your time, sap your money, and more importantly, sap your energy.

Every time you walk by your desk, trying to blithely ignore the pile of papers you haven't filed yet, every time you spend twenty minutes looking for the pair of scissors somewhere in the house, every time you apologise about the mess when you offer to give your friends a lift in the car (or worse, avoid giving your friend a lift because you're too embarrassed about the state of it) - all those things you know you "should" do/be doing/have done - nag you.

And no one likes a nag. Even if it is only your Inner You nagging your Outer You. Eventually, what you're tolerating leaves you feeling overwhelmed and either unable or unwilling to tackle even the smallest thing.

A pile of filing might not seem like a priority but if it takes you 20 minutes to find a document because it's not filed properly, then it's a drain on your time, energy and money.

What are you putting up with?

Tackling your tolerations first involves finding out what they really are:

Part One:
Give yourself thirty minutes, sit down with a pen and paper or at your computer and start making your list. List every single thing you are putting up with. You don't have to limit it to tangible things either. Maybe you're putting up with your other half being constantly late, or a boss who treats you badly, or a job you've simply outgrown. List everything that's irritating you, bothering you, and generally making you feel miserable.

Don't be alarmed if you've got quite a long list there. The first time I did this I had 161 tolerations! I must have been like a bear with a sore head to be around.

Part Two:
Now decide which one of your tolerations you're going to do something about first. Then go take care of it until you can cross it off your list. Then move on to the next toleration.

You might want to tackle one thing on your list every week, or one item every day, or if you get a real burst of energy you might find yourself crossing four or five items off your list in one go.

There's a very good reason why you might do the latter. Scientists have found that accomplishing small tasks or completing a challenge releases endorphins much the same way exercise does.

Taking action and doing something about all those things that are bothering you feels good. And that creates an upward spiral, giving you a boost of energy to get even more done.

Best wishes,

Dawn

Fear Busting

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 19:30:00 +0000

“We have nothing to fear but fear itself”. It’s a quote we’ve probably heard so often we might have become jaded about its real meaning. The words were spoken famously by Winston Churchill, but also by the American President, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, during his first inaugural address in 1933. At the time America, and the world, were going through The Great Depression. Much like today, people were losing their homes, their jobs. Hope and optimism were at an all-time low. The full sentence was:

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.

In short, what FDR was saying was, while things might well be really bad right now, if we give in to fear, become paralysed by pessimism and doubt and do nothing to get ourselves back on our feet, then things can and will get a whole lot worse. No matter how frightened you are, take action. Sometimes doing one small thing that moves you in the direction of your goal can kick-start an upward spiral away from feeling that fear and doubt.

Five tips to get yourself unspooked

It's part of the journey
Fear is part and parcel of the journey, the same way service stations are part of the motorway. Expect it. In fact expect fear to raise its ugly head every 10 miles or so. Stop a while if you have to, but ultimately get back in the car and keep on going. Your destination is not a service station.

Call it what it is
Get into the habit of recognising when you feel fear. We've got so good at deceiving ourselves we often deny we're feeling anxious or nervous about a task or project, meeting or appointment. But if you find yourself putting something off time and again or if you're procrastinating more than usual, take a long hard look at what's going on. Label it "fear" and question what the fear is about. Ask yourself: Why am I so afraid of doing this? The answers can be enlightening.

It's like Halloween
The thought occured to me as I watched my kids try on their Halloween costumes, that a lot of what we fear is very much like a Halloween costume - strip away the fake blood, the skeleton outfit and grotty fake teeth and it's just a harmless three-year old with a very sweet tooth underneath. How much of what we fear is as terrifying as it at first appears? Fear can trick you into thinking the very worst thing that can happen ...will happen.

Which is why I get my clients to imagine their...

Worst-Case Scenario
What's the very worst thing you can imagine happening as you try to achieve your goal? Now think through how you would handle it? You'd handle it, right?

How have you handled problems in the past? However you handled them, recognise that you got over, through, past and beyond them.

Trust you have what it takes to get yourself out of the worst predicament. The world will not end, the sky won't fall down.

Here and Now
Fear is paralysing. The fear of putting a step wrong can be enough to stop us in our tracks. But fear is usually all about what might happen in the future, not about what might happen right now. If you find yourself getting overwhelmed by pessimism and terrifying thoughts of what might happen, bring yourself back to the moment. What can you do today to move you in the direction of your goal? Forget tomorrow, next week, three months from now. Focus on the present. It might be a small thing, it might be a small part of a bigger task. But breaking your big chunk of worry down into smaller bite-size pieces helps reduce that scary feeling.

Even the smallest dot of optimism when coupled with action can be enough to keep fear in its place and stop it stopping you in your tracks.

Best wishes,

Dawn

Are you the world's greatest juggler?

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Wed, 27 May 2009 07:31:00 +0000

Do you ever get the feeling you've got way too many balls in the air? The job, that side project you're working on, that charity you've somehow volunteered you're going to arrange a cake sale for, the trips to the gym you have to make, the play dates you have to arrange for your kids plus the weekly visit to the in-laws. To the casual outsider it might look like you're the person who can do anything and everything without a moment's pause - others might describe you as capable and responsible and conscientious. Sound familiar?

The reality of it, however, is you feel it's all going to come crashing down around your ankles in spectacular fashion the minute you take your eyes off the balls, the moment you lose focus or pause for just a minute. Even though your mind and body may be crying out for you to do just that - stop - you don't. You keep on juggling.

The danger is that it all starts becoming overwhelming. When you're juggling that many balls, realistically, there's only so much focus and attention you can give each one. Add one more thing to juggle and your resources - your time, energy, patience - just get that much further stretched. Ultimately you end up giving less of yourself to more things. And when you give less of yourself, the results are usually less than satisfying. People start to complain - maybe your work isn't quite as polished as usual, your partner resents that you're not really connecting... and that negative feedback can make you feel that all you need to do is juggle harder and faster to keep everyone happy.

So, stop. Stop juggling for a moment. Take a minute to think of all the things you are doing, all the stuff you are keeping up in the air, sometimes by sheer willpower alone.

How much of this stuff is necessary?
How much of what you are juggling is fulfilling?
What can you let go of?
What would happen if you let go?

Sometimes the things we do have nothing whatsoever to do with what's important to us. We take on a project and never stop to evaluate months down the line, if that project is still valid, or we adopt a certain behaviour and stick with it, never realising that sometimes our behaviour no longer works in our current lives. A lot of what we do is because we think we should, not because we really want to.

Just for one day, allow yourself to drop a few of the things on your "have to do" list. You can always pick them up again tomorrow. If you're feeling motivated, think about what you could drop for a month. Or, even... what could you let go of forever?

Have a great week,

Dawn

The Naked Face

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 22:34:00 +0000

What it means to be truly authentic

About a year ago, I was in an audience to hear BBC Radio 2 presenter Chris Evans talk about the ups and downs of his career. One of the most talented presenters of his generation, Chris became famous for his outrageous style and for breaking boundaries. In the chat, he recalled a conversation he'd had with a senior producer on his very first day on the job. After the show, the producer took him to one side and said, "That was great Chris, but was that the real you?". Chris was puzzled. "Of course that was the real me." "OK," the producer said, "But if it wasn't, make your money and get out of presenting fast, before the audience realises".

What the producer was trying to say was: Be yourself, don't try to be something you're not. Because in the world of TV and radio, once the audience sniffs out you're a fake you're finished.

We seem to be hardwired to spot a phony, don't we? It may not even be something we're conscious of, but if someone is putting on an act just to please us, we can somehow sense it and we don't like it. Someone who is not who they say they are instantly loses all credibility and respect. The minute we spot a fake, we're baying for blood.

So what is being authentic, being an authentic person? I would say it's condensing all your actions, behaviours, words until they truly represent who you really are? It takes practise. It requires a degree of self-examination. It means asking yourself, "Am I saying what I really think in this situation?" or, "Am I being brave enough to be me or am I just conforming to what I think this situation or these people require of me".

I find that especially true in the business environment. We tend to put on a different face when we're working in a corporate environment to the one we'd wear at home. Of course, the world of business dicates we all behave in a certain way, there's an unwritten code of conduct, for good or bad. But, that doesn't mean we all need to lose ourselves and become yes men or women.

Think of all the great truly individual people you know of. Think of the businessmen and women who seem to have broken the mould, the people you respect the most, think of those great networkers. What makes them different?

A friend described great networkers as 'people who are themselves no matter who they speak to'. I think that's about right. But it's more than that. They are people who either, consciously or unconsciously, realise that our differences are our strengths. Meeting someone who is being "truly themself " is refreshing. It's also inspiring.

And, not to mention, smart. Think about all the energy you expend, switching your mask or playing a different role to suit every different occasion. If you're constantly switching between roles, well, frankly, isn't that a little exhausting? If you're just one person - you - 100% of the time, well, that's simple isn't it?

So, on the road to becoming truly authentic, here are a few thoughts:

* In any situation where you are required to be present, to contribute - be it at work or at home ask - Am I being truly authentic? Am I standing by what I believe in, what I feel or know to be true?

* What do I stand to lose or gain by not being who I really am?

* What do I stand to lose or gain by being who I truly am?

* Forget for a moment your perception of how you "should" be. I hear clients say things like "Well, to be any good in business I should be hard-nosed" or "I should be networking 24-7". Reinvent what it means to be good in business - go with what feels right for you. The minute you step outside being authentic, you'll feel it. It will feel uncomfortable.

* What roles do I regularly play? Mr Dependable? Yummy Mummy? Domestic Goddess? Put-upon employee? How does that serve me? Does it serve me well? Is that who I really am or is it something I feel I am trying to live up to?

* What would it feel like to ditch that role and just be simply myself?

Have a great week,

Dawn

The P Word

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 17:47:00 +0000

If you're British, and I am, then chances are you're uncomfortable with the p word. Passion. We don't talk about our passions much, do we? What we're passionate about, what blows our hair back and floats our boat... well, it's all slightly embarrassing. At most someone might say "Yeah, I really love doing this or that". But if someone starts talking about their "passion", chances are they'll be given a slightly wary look and a much wider berth from that point on. Step back from the crazy person. Passion we leave to our high-fiving American friends, or the Italians... they're much better at it than we are.

But passion, what we're passionate about, what drives us, is an important part of who we are. If we're talking about life being a journey - and it seems everyone is talking about their "journey" these days - then passion pretty much is the vehicle you're driving, the compass you're navigating with, the route map and the road. And it's certainly the fuel in your engine.

And at 0 pence per litre, you can go a long way without breaking the bank.

Some clients come to me knowing exactly what they want to talk about. They have a clear goal and generally need someone to help them create a strategy to achieve that goal. Others don't have a clear goal, just a sense (vague or otherwise) that life doesn't quite fit the way they want it to. Like a badly-fitting suit, it's tight in all the wrong places, the fabric is itchy and makes them look frumpy. And the colour's all wrong.

"Passion is the fuel in your
engine. And at 0 pence per
litre, you can go a long way
without breaking the bank"

Whenever I coach a client who doesn't have a clear idea of what they want, just a very clear idea of what they don't want, one of the first things I do is try to connect them to what they feel passionate about. Some people have a real fear of not knowing where they're going, or even where they want to go. There's a sense that we should know what we want to do with our lives, we should have goals and visions and plans. But the beauty in not knowing is that you have a whole blank page upon which to create something. And it can be anything. Without a fixed goal, anything is possible. You are free to let your passions guide you.

So what are you passionate about and what are you going to do about it?

Passions don't have to be some big deal. Not everyone wants to be a novelist or actor or become the next big entrepreneur. One of my friends, a former professional singer, hasn't sung in public for 20 years. One day she woke up and realised how much she missed it. So she joined a local choir and that's all she needs to get that same little buzz from doing something she really really loves.

So... take a pen and paper. Make a list.

*what would you do with your day for pure enjoyment's sake if you didn't have to work, didn't have any responsibilities and had limitless resources (money, technology, space, time). List as many things as possible.

* which of the things you listed could potentially a) provide a source of income; b) improve your life in material, emotional and physical ways? Cross out any of the items on your list that don't fit the above criteria (so out goes the 24-hour tv session and gorging on chocolate all day - sorry!)

* Of the remaining items on your list - which one really really excites you?

* How could you get more of it into your life?

* What steps are you going to commit to, in order to get more of it into your life?

* What is the first step?

* Take that first step.

Have a great week,

Dawn

PS: I've just dug out an old 70s song by Harry Nilssen for my kids to have a listen. It's called Blanket for a Sail. It's about a tiny little boat, faith is keeping it afloat and it's got a tiny little skipper with a worn and tattered coat:

"The laws of the ocean, say that you should never fail.

Just use your heart as a rudder, faith as a compass and a blanket for a sail"

The Importance of the Box...

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 21:21:00 +0000

I'm talking jigsaw puzzles here. Now, I'm not one for jigsaws, the ones that come in boxes. Maybe because I'm too busy sorting out puzzles all my very own on a daily basis. But it was while I was sorting out one of these daily dilemmas that I started to see how the way to solve problems successfully is much like sitting down to do that 1,000-piecer your well-meaning Auntie got you for Christmas when you were about 8. You know, the one with the sailing boats or the two kittens sitting in a basket of wool.

So, what do you do when you do a jigsaw? Well, first you tip all those little (irritating) pieces out on the carpet or table or wherever. (I remember my grandma's carpet, big intricately coloured and patterned - nightmare for jigsaws). Then what do you do? You start laboriously turning all those little pieces over so that the picture side is face up. Maybe you start sorting out which are edge pieces, which are corner pieces, maybe you group together the pieces that are obviously sky (or kitten) versus sea (wool).

And then you look at the box. Or rather the picture on the box. Picture on the box, pieces on the carpet, picture on the box... you've done jigsaws, you know what I mean.

One particular problem I was trying to sort out recently was how many hours and human beings it was going to take to cover childcare over a 24 hour period. Every solution I came up with ultimately drew a blank. Just as I was about to curl up in the fetal position and pull the duvet over my head I had a thought. I don't even know what the picture is, let alone where all the pieces go. Once I realised that it all became relatively simple.

So, then. Let's say the first rule of solving a problem or creating a plan is: what is the picture, the one you are trying to create? What does the solution to your problem look like, in other words.

Once you know what your picture is, the rest is straightforward enough. You start looking at the pieces you've got on the table/carpet. These pieces - these are your resources. In my case, these were friends, family, babysitters, playgroups I could somehow wrangle/cajole and bribe into helping me out.

Next step, unless you really enjoy being hard on yourself, (in which case, I say go for it) you create the framework. You line up all those edge pieces, match them together until you've created your frame inside which all the other pieces will go.

Your frame is the parameter of your plan. You've dismissed silly ideas, impractical ideas, ideas that require too much money, time, energy... these belong outside the parameter. You don't need to worry about them any more.

So then you're left with the pieces that do work. You slowly examine each piece/resource... where does it fit in this picture, the picture on the box, your plan? Sometimes, those puzzles are easy-peasy: 25 pieces, 50 pieces; sometimes they're the doozies, 1000 pieces - these take time and effort and lots of thought.... and patience.

But once you have the picture - if you have the picture - it's simply a matter of taking each step one piece at a time.

Back to the box. It's got the picture on it. The picture is also the theme. Like me you might have lots of different jigsaws relating to different themes in your life: childcare, work, friends, family, children, health. And every day or week or month, life will throw up a particular challenge that needs sorting out and piecing together. Keep referring back to the picture... it'll keep you on the right track.

Hoping they're all 25-piecers...

Dawn

Eyes on the Prize

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 20:30:00 +0000

Trying your vision on for size

Ever tried on a new suit or dress and something about it made you stand just that little bit taller, hold your head a bit higher, push your shoulders back just that much further? Something about the look and feel of it and how it made you look and feel when you turned to the mirror, well, it might have even made you walk differently. Perhaps you even, dare I say it... strutted?

Imagine now then that your vision is that suit. Whatever your vision is, whether it's signing up your first client for your start-up business, crossing the finishing line of the marathon, or getting into a smaller dress size, you need to both see and feel it.

Ask any athlete and their coach and they'll tell you that visualisation is as important a part of training as running any distance, or jumping any height or kicking any ball.

In the case of, say, a golfer - he will see himself swing the club in the optimum arc to the correct height and then back to the ball which he will then see himself hit at the correct angle, with the right amount of force and follow-through. The act of visualising it involves more than just playing it like a video in his head. While he visualises the movement, his brain is sending messages to his arms, his legs, his knees (whichever part of his body will be involved in the swing) about their correct alignment and position. It's not magic, it's a dress rehearsal. By the time he comes out to the green he's been through the golf swing so many times in his mind, his body is primed to perform the swing just as he visualised it.

Visualisation is not just for athletes. Anyone can apply this visualisation technique to just about anything.

So let's take the example of dropping a dress size. You want to lose 5lbs in 6 weeks. Visualise you - you reaching that goal. How will you look? More importantly, how will you feel? Imagine your body already 5lbs lighter. Act as if you've already achieved it. How do you feel about yourself? Proud, happy, excited... record those feelings and mentally tag them to the goal of losing 5lbs in 6 weeks.

Whenever you feel tempted to cheat on your diet/exercise programme, stop - remember your goal and those happy, proud and excited feelings. Make those feelings as tangible as that suit I described earlier. Which feels better - sticking to your programme or eating that donut?

Experiment a little to find out what works for you - some people find a visualisation exercise once a week is perfect, for others, five minutes of visualising achieving their goal every day keeps them on track.

Anyone for Swingball?

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Mon, 05 Jan 2009 10:51:00 +0000

Here's a visualisation exercise for anyone who wants a little extra help sticking to those New Year's Resolutions.

Ever played Swingball? You know, the tennis ball on a piece of string attached to a pole which goes into the ground. You and your opponent bat the ball round and round the pole, one clockwise, the other anti-clockwise. One player is trying to get the rope moving up the central coils all the way to the top of the pole, the other player is trying to move the rope down the central coils to the bottom of the pole. Each swing of the ball moves the rope upwards or downwards depending who hits it.

Imagine your goal is at the top of the Swingball pole. Let's take exercising as a our resolution as it seems to be most common one people make.

So, you've planned out your exercise programme - say, you're going to exercise three times a week for thirty minutes.

Every time you exercise, imagine you are hitting the Swingball and the rope is moving up one coil. At the end of the week you've exercised three times, you've reached the top of the pole. Great. Now repeat the process at the start of the next week, and the week after that and so on.

So, now what generally happens? At around week three or so, we have this habit of veering off track. Say you miss one day of exercise for whatever reason. You may just be busy, it may just be an off day, you might just be feeling uninspired. What tends to happen with New Year's Resolutions is the very moment we "fail" - we miss a run, eat that chocolate muffin, have a cigarette - the psychological impact of failing is enough to send us spiralling downwards. We've set ourselves such a high standard with no wiggle room for the odd slip-up that the guilt and the feeling of failing sabotage our plans. We give up.

So let's stop there for a minute. Retrace our steps - and imagine that Swingball again. So you miss an exercise day - what happens to the Swingball? The rope moves down just one coil - note: it does not automatically go all the way to the bottom. You are still, generally speaking, making upwards progress. Does that make it easier to keep your goals, and your progress towards them, in context?

The key then:

break your New Year's Resolution into small bite-size chunks. This week I will exercise three times for thirty minutes rather than I am going to exercise every day for the next three months. Or, for today only I'm going to eat healthily rather than I'm never going to eat chocolate again.

imagine the Swingball - or if you like - upward progress, versus downward progress. Every time you exercise, eat healthily for a day, take vitamins, don't smoke - you move one step upwards. Keep focused on reaching the top of the coil...

If you slip up, remember keeping the top of the Swingball coil in focus, think: what can i do to keep myself on track?

give yourself lots of positive feedback - praise yourself - how often do we do that? feel good about every step no matter how small.

be kind to yourself - New Year's Resolutions are about becoming better people - fitter, healthier, nicer. That in itself is something to feel good about.

Good luck with all your resolutions!

Warmest wishes,

Dawn

The Art of Giving

noreply@blogger.com (Dawn Goldsmith) — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 10:52:00 +0000

One of the coaches I trained under has recently started his own blog. Dr Jim Vuocolo is one of the wisest, kindest coaches I have been lucky enough to meet. His first blog had this holiday message.

Every year Jim and his wife choose a random address in the local phone book from a rundown section of the town they live in. They send an anonymous note to that address, along with a $10 or $20 bill. The note simply says: "Dear friend — If you can use the enclosed gift to make life better for yourself or someone else this holiday season, please do so. If not, please take a moment to pass it on anonymously to someone else. Thank you, and have a truly blessed holiday season!"

What a great idea. I started thinking how it would feel to receive a gift like that in the mail and it inspired me to think about doing the same. But as I wondered how I would decide which address to send my donation to, I started thinking. "What if the money gets "lost" in the post?" My family used to send money in the post in birthday and Christmas cards, but twice the money never showed up. Either it got lost, or I admit I started harbouring suspicions about the men and women who work in our local sorting office.

Then I started thinking - What if the person I send the money to uses it to buy alcohol or drugs or what if they gambled it away? What if they were insulted by the charity? What if it went to someone really evil?

By this time I'd pretty much talked myself out of the whole idea.

So I had to stop myself for a minute and give myself a good talking to. How often have we talked ourselves out of doing something nice or charitable by seeing the negative? The homeless person on the street who you walk on by because you know he's going to buy booze with any money he gets? The thought that any donation you make to organised charity might just get swallowed up by administration costs or paying salaries?

When we do that though, we deny ourselves an important part of the giving process. Giving is a two-way thing. It feels good to give, maybe even better than it does to receive. No, we can't control how our gifts - money, time, patience - will be received, but really that side of it is out of our hands.

We can only control our own happiness - giving will make you feel better, that's almost guaranteed.

You can find Dr Jim Vuocolo's blog here: http://jimvuocolo.com and at www.soulbusiness.com

Wishing you all good things for 2009,

Dawn