It's not me, it's you...

2011-12-19T22:31:00.002-05:00

Best of Craigslist - Wanted: Holiday Girlfriend

Too funny not to share...

Happy Holidays!

2011-12-19T22:21:00.000-05:00

Kate Bolick: why marriage is a declining option for modern women

I came across this article someone posted on Facebook and absolutely wanted to share. It is a bit long but gives a great perspective on the history of marriage and how it has evolved, along with some modest man-bashing... hehe.

“That we would marry, and that there would always be men we wanted to marry, we took on faith. How could we not?”

As I’m getting ready to visit family for the holidays, I’m preparing my answer to: “Where’s your boyfriend, what are you waiting for?” My parents met when they were 16, married by 18 and had me at 21. I know they want what’s best and say they understand but how could they? I’ve lost count on the number of boyfriends they have met. Each time giving them hope. It’s the same for Facebook really. I feel like changing my status would require much more than just a new relationship. Maybe sharing a place, something more.

The relationship with Mr. Dog Park is progressing quickly. I want to say that it feels right, that maybe he’s the one, but I’m overcome with skepticism. I mean history has shown that when I’ve felt this way it actually wasn’t right... so what am I to believe? Regardless, it does feel right and I love being around him. It was a slow start I’m not going to lie. He came on strong and I wasn’t sure. I realized that the only guys I had actually been really interested in lately were the ones that weren’t into me. Mr. Army for one, was the typical “he’s just not that into you”. When I let myself appreciate the honesty and openness that Mr. Dog Park was offering it became easier. Of course there was also that necessary “feeling” I had with him. The more time we spend together the more I can feel us becoming inseparable. I genuinely miss him when he’s not around. We talk everyday, sometimes more than once. I’m starting to spend entire weekends at his place, dog and all. Our dogs love to play together, it’s absolutely amazing to watch. He bought me my own toothbrush! Some of you may already know this but Mr. B had never let me leave a toothbrush at his place, even though we spent weekends together and dated for 4 months. It became a joke, only funny to me. I guess the toothbrush for him took the relationship to a level he wasn’t ready to go to. I should’ve known. So for Mr. Dog Park to buy me my own?! WOW.

He wants to meet my family and I think they would really like him, but as I wrote earlier, I’m reluctant to do so because they have met so many already. I know he is hurt by this, and yes it’s only been one-month, he shouldn’t expect it, but it doesn’t feel like one month to us. I just hope this feeling lasts... for once.

Gourmet and Dogs

2011-11-21T21:48:00.000-05:00

Brrrr it’s so cold out today. Makes me want to cuddle up on the couch with a glass of wine. Or teach two classes of hot yoga. What was I thinking? Oh well, I survived again tonight. Only 4 more weeks to go with this crazy schedule.

Suspense, suspense... what happened with Mr. Foodie you ask? Well we finally met on Saturday. We walked around downtown, checked out the market, the waterfront. We visited a few cool stores, had a scrumptious lunch and continued to shop in all the toy stores we could find. The date was amazing, we got along really well, we joked around, had tons in common... do you feel a BUT coming? I certainly do. I may sound somewhat superficial but the thing is, I’m normally attracted to a certain 'physique'. Mr. Foodie falls slightly out of the range. I don’t know how I feel about this. I’m not saying that I’m NOT attracted but I don’t know if I could be. After our date I honestly wanted to see him again. Even if we end up as friends, which I think is possible seeing as he is very new in town. He also has mentioned before that if nothing were to come out of it we could at least be good friends. So that’s where things are with Mr. Foodie. No plans for another date. He’s not very aggressive and because of most recent events I’m not going to make the first move.

What are those recent events you ask? Perhaps the re-appearance of Mr. Dog Park? BINGO. Sunday morning I woke up, made some eggs, wiped the makeup off from the night before, made a coffee and headed to the dog park. It was sunny, I could wear sunglasses, no need to look pretty. Here I was, minding my own business on the park bench, when I heard a voice far away, with a french accent, calling “Logan”. I look up and there was that husky again. Oh no, of all days, I have to see him again today! I wave as he’s walking over. He sits next to me. We catch up on the week. I’m super nervous because I: 1-have coffee breath, 2-just rolled out of bed. I figured if he was attracted to me now I was set for life. After a long long conversation he asked me if I had a boyfriend. Alright, I’m in, it’s only a matter of time now. I felt it was time to go, time for him to ask for my number! OK maybe not. He HAD made the first move by introducing himself and by asking if I had a boyfriend so I figured it was my turn. I asked for HIS number. He proceeded to invite me over for dinner that night. Hmmm I thought about it.. I’ve met him 3 times now, his dog is great, do I trust him enough to go to his house? I’m sure half of you will say no but honestly, when do you trust someone enough to go to their house? Does it take 4 meetings, do you have to add them to Facebook first? REALLY! My gut said yes so I said sure.

The date was great, the meal was great, his place was great, his dog was amazing and sat on my lap. Yes, the husky sat on my lap. Last time I checked huskys weren’t lap dogs but whatever, he kept me warm. We watched a movie, he showed me around. Turns out he has a female roommate. I didn’t meet her but she showed up at some point during the evening. The fact that a woman can live with him is a good thing right? He has the most fascinating life story which I can’t really go into detail for privacy, but trust me, it’s nothing you’ve ever heard before. He kissed me goodnight.

Mr. Dog Park is absolutely my ‘physical’ type but I don’t feel the same attachment I have with Mr. Foodie. Could it be because of our recent meeting, our little communication as compared to Mr. Foodie whom I shared my life with for a month over e-mail and text? I feel somewhat committed now to Mr. Dog Park because of the intimacy. By the way, he kissed me at the dog park today. Holy geez did I ever freak out. I’m sure he noticed. PDA this early on? Now I remember why I stopped dating Frenchmen. Hahaha.. let’s see where this goes...

My Procrastination

2011-11-15T21:13:00.000-05:00

A friend posted this on Facebook today, I thought it was brilliant. Precisely how I feel. It brings me to an amazingly funny article I read recently, which I posted myself but wanted to share here in case you hadn't read it: The Art of Non-Conformity - How to Put Off Making Decisions About Your Life. I think most of us can associate with at least one category here. The bottom line message: you don't like something, do something about it!

New topic, I saw Mr. Dog Park yesterday, at the dog park of course. He was wearing a sexy leather jacket, shaved head and gorgeous eyes. The first time I met him he was wearing a hoodie with the hood up so I had very little to go on. I found out he was in town to learn english. He is originally from just outside Quebec City. He is teaching some french courses at the military college. He asked about what I did and was fascinated. It started to rain so we said our goodbyes and he made sure to let me know he came here every night at the same time.

So of course I went today but I didn't see him. I also wasn't wearing contacts or glasses and wasn't there for very long. Lets see what happens with Mr. Foodie first. He is back in town....

On a windy autumn day...

2011-11-12T15:33:00.000-05:00

My boss asked me this week if I was going to get married. I laughed and changed the subject. Unfortunately it came back around, the answer was no, at least not any time soon. I think my colleagues think I’m homosexual, or asexual. If only they knew....

I’ve been feeling less than social lately and look forward to evenings by myself, watching TV shows or movies. Is it possible I am becoming lame as I get older or can we blame this on the weather? I’m trying to think of what my therapist would say. Am I happy? Yes. So why do you care, why must you define it and analyze it? It’s those expectations and grooves of the mind, those patterns we have created for ourselves. Spending a weekend doing nothing, not going out, being by myself is unusual for me. It brings thoughts and insecurities to the surface. Sometimes being too busy is a good defence mechanism, keeps us from thinking too much. As I start slowing down my life I’m discovering all the little things I used to enjoy; baking, cooking, reading and spending more time friends and my pets. I can also see how I could fit someone new in, and actually have time to dedicate to them.

Speaking of which, I went on a date today. This one studies law, we will call him Mr. Law. I met Mr. Law online a few weeks ago. He had the best profile description I had ever read. He seemed completely genuine, not afraid of vulnerability, very intelligent, loved cats and was very good looking! He seemed too good to be true. What could be wrong with him? We made plans to meet for lunch today. I suggested a local bakery with a small cafe. Within 5min I understood. Mr. Law was studying law but not to be a lawyer. He was one of those types that thought a law degree would be useful. He wasn’t pretentious in any way, did not go on and on about useful smart facts. We actually had a good conversation but it was like pulling teeth. I have never met anyone as quiet as him. He was almost awkward. I don’t know what to think of Mr. Law. To be quite honest the date was uncomfortable. Some might find him charming, but me... I don’t know. I cannot see him mingling with my friends or family. He’s one of those quiet geniuses, social outcast, extremely introverted. I’m not feeling it.

On the other hand, I have been chatting with someone else for a few weeks now. I didn’t want to mention anything earlier in case nothing would come of it but now the story is reaching a turning point in a few days. I will call him Mr. Foodie because we seem to be having a three way texting love affair with food. He just moved into town a few months ago but was sent to teach out west for two months. He returns this Tuesday. Mr. Foodie and I have been e-mailing/texting for about 3 weeks now. We have also added each other to FB. I am very hopeful about this one, even though he is 4 years younger (I know it’s not a big deal but for some reason this ‘dating a younger man’ thing is new to me, I’m sceptical). If nothing comes of it, the 3 weeks of correspondence were entertaining, but I really do hope he turns out great. The suspense is killing me! Only a few days to go now...

Starting a New Chapter

2011-11-08T20:24:00.000-05:00

On a warm fall evening, with a full moon shining brightly at early dusk, a young lady is walking her elegant little dog. As she enters a dog park, she is greeted with all sorts of playful dogs, big and small, and a mysterious young man with intriguing eyes. She feels his gaze on her as she pays attention to her dog. She greets others, discuss the weather and the dogs. She notices the man starting to leave and slowly walks towards him knowing too well her little elegant dog will try to get his attention. Voilà! The man looks up at the young lady again and smiles. He finds himself part of a conversation she is having with someone. This someone walks away. The young lady and the man are left on their own. He introduces himself and his gorgeous husky. The lady notices a charming French accent. They part with the hope of seeing each other again, in this same park. Little does the man know that he will forever be known as Mr. Dog Park.

Wow, what a great week so far! I have been dismissed by my therapist since I am apparently cured now, and too happy. I taught some great yoga classes last night after a long lull in motivation. And the best of all, I discovered that I would be able to afford a house, BY MYSELF, once I am ready. This might seem like a minimal thing but from day one, I have put a lot of pressure on meeting someone because I felt I would never be financially secure on my own. I was terrified of spending the rest of my life renting apartments and getting nowhere financially because I was single. I looked into the numbers again, did a little bit of research and met with a realtor this weekend to visit potential places. What I discovered was that I could do it, I could find a place that I could afford, ON MY OWN, and that I would actually like living in. It feels as though a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Looking back on the therapy sessions, I am amazed at how much has changed. I am finally able to see all the good around me, the fantastic friends I have, the loving and supporting family, a job I believe in, a healthy mind and healthy body. I am single because I haven’t found the right person for me. Maybe I’m picky, maybe I’m difficult, but maybe my priorities aren’t raising a family and settling down. I want a partner, a best friend, someone to share everything with. I haven’t found that person yet but I have so many other things to be thankful for that it makes the wait easier.

“Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.” – Oprah Winfrey

Friends with Benefits?

2011-10-23T18:26:00.000-04:00

Well, needless to say, I’ve had a busy two weeks. Mr. Bail never corresponded with me after Thanksgiving weekend, which wasn’t that big of a surprise. I also had set a date with someone on the Monday, he happened to bail too which was fine because it turns out that Mr. Military was home that day. We made plans to go for a walk with the dog and ended up downtown where we had lunch. Funny thing is, at exactly the same time last year we were doing the same thing: meeting up after not having seen each other for a few months (see What’s meant to be will be). Oh how things have changed!

Seeing him for the first time was.... interesting. It was as if he had never left. Nothing had changed, he was exactly how I remembered him. He hasn’t any happier, which I was hoping for. He still looked just as good, maybe even bigger since he had been working out so much. We ended up spending all afternoon and evening together. The companionship and affection were simple without expectation, almost refreshing. We went away to Montreal that weekend; stayed in a swanky hotel, ate scrumptious food, toured the city and spent the last evening at the Casino. It was a true “weekend away with my lover”. I do believe our expectations and intentions were 100% mutual. At this point, I have no wish to be in a relationship with him. I don’t think we would do well together and to be honest, he can really irritate me and suck all the happiness out. I don’t think he is happy with his life but doesn’t want to do anything about it (I can’t stand people like that). Mr. Military is a ‘victim’ as far as he is concerned. As I said previously, I feel a strong connection with him but not necessarily one that involves a ‘relationship’. The physical attraction is definitely present but the emotional/mental or whatever you call is not there. I was relieved by this revelation. The weekend and his two-week visit home was perfect closure for me.

It seems this ‘friends with benefits’ (FWB) concept has been all over the movie screen these days. I’ve never had a real FWB but I wonder if it can really work. As long as neither of us are in monogamous relationships I don’t see why not. Would it distract from finding a ‘real’ mate or would it make us more appealing since we would not appear to be on the hunt. Why does it seem we get hit on more when we are not single? Could this FWB be the perfect distraction?

Friends First?

2011-10-09T22:22:00.000-04:00

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving weekend and found lots of great things to be thankful for! I spent the weekend with friends and family, went zip lining for the first time. What an adventure!! The weather was gorgeous and fall colours so beautiful. This is by far my favourite season of all.

A friend and I went to see the movie What’s Your Number this weekend. It really got us talking about this infamous ‘number’ and whether or not it’s a big deal. Us ladies make such a big deal of it. We would lie in a second about our number, hands down. But do guys really care? The real question is: if a guy judged you on your number, would you want to date him? What does this number really say about you? The other subject, which we incidentally spent more time discussing and something that has been on my mind lately, is the idea of being friends with a guy first. Yes we all say it’s ideal and perhaps most of us have had great relationships, maybe the best ones, with people we were friends with first, but how do we make this possible with online dating? When the accepted routine is 3 strikes you’re out, how do we fit in friendship? Is it even possible?

This idea was brought on by the return of M2 (aka Mr. Bail). We discussed dating and expectations and I went home thinking about this. This online dating experience has led me so many times into relationships that I was either A- Not ready for, or B- Not into. Why do things have to move so quickly? I thought I had found the answer: intimacy. Once you cross that line it’s as if everything changes, whether you like it or not. I’m not saying it’s wrong, it’s just what happens. So how about post-poning this intimacy until you are really sure it is what you want. I know, it sounds so high school and honestly adults our age just think it’s silly to wait. But really, take out the expectations, take out the anxiety, just see if you mesh with someone without the added complications of intimacy and inevitable feelings of vulnerability. The feelings of “is he going to call/text” just aren’t the same after intimacy has been established. What about keeping things platonic for a few weeks? Months? Start off as friends and see what happens. I feel like Mr. Bail is tired of the expectations and BS that comes with this online dating world. To be honest I’m not even sure I trust him but if we do end up going out again and again, I might actually consider this. Something like “call me if you want, if you don’t it’s ok, if you get busy that’s cool too”. Let’s take the work and expectations out of dating because really those are the parts I hate too. Now pushing this a little further, if I don’t think I can have a relationship with you after 3 dates does it mean we should stop talking? I guess it would really depend on the person and whether or not the feelings were mutual.

Speaking of friendships, I’m seeing Mr. B tomorrow aka Mr. Military who is coming home for 2 weeks. We talked today as if he had never left. I thought about him this week and how this ‘coming home’ was going to affect me. I finally remembered why we weren’t good together and it made me feel better. Maybe he’s changed, who knows, but for now it stays as it is. I think we could really be friends, and if it does work out that way I will have a gained a really great one.

My aunt asked me today if I would be bringing someone for Christmas dinner, specifically if I had found someone. I said no, we’re playing hide-and-go-seek and he’s really good.

2011-10-06T20:24:00.000-04:00

Playing with Fire

2011-10-06T20:20:00.003-04:00

Oh what have I done?! After I went back online last weekend, I received a message from whom other than M2, the text dater (see Text Dating, April 30). I mean c’mon, haven’t we gone through this already? This was our most recent conversation:

M2: Back again?

Me: Sadly yes. Still here eh?

M2: Well off and on I suppose...just happened to be on and saw you :) (riiiiight)

Would you like to maybe finally get that drink?

Me: Hahah.... question is.. would you? You seemed pretty aloof on the last attempt. I'm not one to hold grudges but I do question your intentions on here. (I could care less about what this guy thinks of me)

M2: Well, think what you may, but do hear this out, i have all the intentions my profile states, I'm seriously just nervous i think to actually meet up....i have only went on two dates so far, neither one was promising :(

Me: Wow you must be really picky because I don’t see how a guy like you could only find two dates.

M2: Do you have BBM...maybe cell # for text? Are you busy Wednesday night? I have hockey until around 7 so I will be downtown still if you want to catch a drink! :) (here we go again...)

Me: Free Wednesday, text me after your game. (I’m playing the game again, had no real intentions of meeting up with him)

Well M2 DID text and I actually met up with him. I wanted to go just to see if he was a real person and if so what he was like. I assumed he would be arrogant, self-centered and aloof. Turns out I was wrong and we had an amazing time. I have never laughed so hard on a first date. Problem is, I’m not sure I can trust him because of our history, or should I say “non-existent” history. I mean I’ve already deleted him off Facebook twice, deleted his most recent friend request and removed his number from my contacts. This guy drove me nuts and I told him ALL about it during our date, to which he somewhat apologized and admitted he should have handled things differently. He asked to see me again, I guess I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for now and follow my instincts. He’s just so damn hot!!

Dating is all about timing, and we hear this over and over again but it’s so true.

He's Baaack!

2011-10-04T19:19:00.004-04:00

Well, Mr. R and I never saw each other again. I don’t know why but I’ve certainly spent way too much time trying to think of the WHY. I think this is the most difficult part of dating. Why don’t I like him, why doesn’t he like me? Why do we need to understand this WHY? We become obsessed with it, it haunts our thoughts. What could be wrong with ME? Whenever I start thinking this I look back at the great men I’ve dated. Was there anything wrong with them? Not really, they just weren’t for ME. I might even set some up with friends. So why are we taking this so personally? There is nothing about YOU that you need to change, at least nothing to make someone else like you. Didn't we learn this lesson in high school? So Mr. R wasn’t into me, or he wasn’t into it, who knows and who cares. I honestly think I may have dodged a bullet with this one so moving on!

And guess who e-mailed me again? Who else but Mr. B (see 2010 posts). He’s baaack! Well only for a little while. Mr. B who haunts my dreams, Mr. B whom I always seem to go back to after relationships fail (only via e-mail, don’t get all excited, he’s still posted overseas). He asked how I was, and how I spent my summer. Our last correspondence was in August after Mr. Neighbour and I broke up. He told me he was going to be back in town at some point for his mid-post break. He didn’t ask to see me, he always tried so hard to protect me... so I did. I can see the look of disappointment on all of your faces. I told my Verna, she didn’t try to convince me otherwise. I must have been very convincing. The thought of him being in town without seeing him would be torture. Besides, he’s going back for another 6 months. At the moment I honestly believe I can handle it.

This Mr. B thing got me thinking about faith and coincidences as we’ve had so many. He’s the reason I started this blog; all the odd things that happened to us in the beginning, the weird timings. For any of you that watch Sex and The City, I compare our relationship to Carrie and Mr. Big, which got me thinking about the idea of Mr. Big. As in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, those stories we hear about happy endings with less than great guys are far and few in between. Why do we see them as little clouds of hope, that our current guy is suddenly going to fall head over heels with us and sweep us off our feet?! The story of Carrie and Mr. Big gives false hope to women all over the world. Don’t worry ladies, that man that is treating you horribly, that doesn’t want you to meet his mother, that doesn’t want to spend time and get to know your friends... he’ll come around. Just hang in there! And to think this series was supposed to liberate women, to empower women. What a load of BS!

I can’t blame SATC for holding on to Mr. B but I’m trying to stay realistic about our relationship. I am dating, I’ve moved on but in my heart I’m still a little bit hopeful. I feel as though we were meant to be in each other’s lives, I’m just not sure in what form.

Three Strikes - You're Out

2011-09-27T19:01:00.000-04:00

Mr. R and I have baseball in common so when a dear friend of mine sent me the following e-mail (reproduced with permission) I couldn't help but chuckle:

"Maybe dating is a game of baseball. There seems to be guiding numbers, as if it's not only a game with special rules - but that we are always playing some role in it, no matter if we want to play it or not. We are either at bat, running the bases to escape, or running after the person running the bases and wondering why we can never be on the same team. Different men are thrown at us and we are left to swing, to take a chance, and see where it leads us, no matter what we think of the game, whether or not we want to play. As soon as we engage - we are in." -anonymous

Shouldn't it be easier? I mean honestly, my therapist keeps telling me that when it's right it'll be obvious. So if I'm getting frustrated in the beginning and feel like they're not making the effort, does that automatically mean it's not right? I feel like I can't even make contact with the ball anymore. Do I need a new pitcher or a new bat?

New Beginnings

2011-09-26T21:04:00.000-04:00

Dinner turned out great! We met for lunch twice that week and I was worried we would fall into the ‘friend zone’ until a good friend of mine’s husband snapped me out of it and said: “Guys don’t have ‘friend zones’”. OK true, maybe I’m over thinking it.... I mean OBVIOUSLY I’m over thinking it.

I went away this past weekend for a family event. Wasn’t looking forward to the “So where’s your boyfriend? Do you want kids? You better hurry up” talk and comments. Could my family have finally realized that success isn’t determined by how many kids you have? I didn’t get a single comment. That or they have completely lost hope in me. As I listened to the distorted details of my sister’s “happy” life I looked outside the car window at the big houses along the water and thought “I’ll show them. I’ll be so f-ing happy one day it’ll make them sick”. Ah... maybe this pressure is actually coming from me.... Interesting.

I discovered last week that certain of my friends did not approve of Mr. R. So it was true, he was somewhat of a jerk. It got me thinking, could I really be attracted to jerks? Someone described him as a pompous jerk. Looking back, I think I’ve dated a lot of pompous jerks. The true ‘loves’ were all somewhat pompous, judgemental and self-centered. What does that say about me? Could this be the reason I’m still single? Could I be attracted to the wrong type of guy? FML. What do I do now?

Well I met up with Mr. R yesterday. I decided I didn’t care what my friends thought. He has always been nice to me, thoughtful, and only time would tell. We hit a patio, had dinner and saw a movie. Great afternoon/night all around. He reminds me of an ex-boyfriend and it’s really creepy. Hopefully I don’t call him the wrong name.. hahahaha.. Oh I have such SUCH a bad track record for doing that, it’s not even funny anymore.

2011-09-17T21:25:00.001-04:00

http://cougarlife.com/

Might be my next dating site, hahahaha.

..And the Wind Blew Him Away

2011-09-17T20:58:00.000-04:00

Wow, what an intense two weeks! Mr. A had his ball tournament the weekend of my last post. We didn’t see each other until Monday evening and it was short, he was tired and heading out of the city for a few days. We talked while he was away and made plans for the Friday. That weekend was the best I’ve had in a while. We had a BBQ at his place on Friday and our first sleepover. Saturday we toured the county, sampled and bought some amazing wines and amazing cheeses. Picked some apples in a local orchard. Stopped at a small fall fair where we bought homemade BBQ sauce and mingled with the town folk. We came back that night, had another BBQ and watched a movie. The following day we took the dog for a walk in the park and he left to go to a concert for the evening. It was heaven, we were comfortable and happy... or so I thought.

We were busy for a few days, he played ball on Tuesday and I didn’t hear from him. I figured that was fine, I mean, we don’t need to talk everyday do we? On Wednesday I was to have him over for dinner so I planned something good. I was a bit nervous about cooking but it was time. I was excited when he asked to come over early to walk the dog together, how sweet, he missed me too. He walked through the door, seemed a bit off, and then he said “can we talk”. He sat down on the chair to face me and said “I’m not feeling what I need to be feeling”. Excuse me? Could you clarify? I mean, yes I have used this line before, I know what it means, but I have never been given this line. Oh poor me, to this day I have been the one doing the rejection, so I wasn’t used to it. Here I was prancing around only worrying about ME not being into THEM... and now I had to worry about THEM too?! Whoa, ego took a hit. What do you say? There is nothing to say, nothing to do. He then proceeded to blame this on his ex, saying he was still connected to her and could not move on... blablabla. If we were good for each other, this wouldn’t be a problem. I GET IT. My therapist says he’s stuck in the ‘rescuer’ role and can’t shake her. We might have had a chance had he not still been involved but that chance has passed and will never be. Turns out he played ball with her the night before. Something must’ve happened.

I was angry at the fact that I had finally met someone I liked and he didn’t like me back. Isn’t it hard enough to find someone, isn’t our pool already limited?! I was frustrated with this online dating stuff and fed up with the quality of guys I was meeting. So big night Friday night, I knew I was going to take it out on myself and maybe I needed it. Had an amazing time with great friends, dinner, drinks, pub. At the pub I noticed this guy whom I had met the previous summer on my baseball team. We had a few common friends, one of which was sitting beside me. I asked her about him, I had heard he wasn’t the nicest guy. Turns out I was wrong and she was excited that I mentioned him because he was soooo single. Next thing I knew, Mr. R and I were chatting and it seemed as though the world stopped. People came and went, we got drinks, separated, came back, talked some more. We were leaving the bar, I had to settle my tab, everyone was out. It took longer than I thought, Mr. R came back to find me. At the end of the night he asked “I hope this isn’t too bold but can I have your number?”. Had I actually just met someone live, in person, and not on a dating site? What an interesting experience! FINALLY!

He’s definitely a geek, sarcastic, most likely a snob and I love it. He has the sexiest blue eyes and shaggy hair. Think Shaggy from Scooby Doo... honestly. Turns out he has been unknowingly wearing the bball jersey I never picked up last year. It has my name on the back... how funny is that? We are meeting tomorrow for dinner J

Yoga Therapy

2011-09-03T12:00:00.002-04:00

“It’s this rabid desire to find the ONE. It sounds like it’s about the guy but really it’s about the girl. It’s our expectations; they cut the male right out of the equation. Any good relationship is about both people. You spend so many years going after what you that you forget that half the relationship is actually in somebody else’s hands. Any true relationship is never just about yourself so if you can stop looking at it that way, and put aside your desire to find the perfect man, you might just find the man that’s perfect for you.” Erica Strange, Being Erica.

What a great Being Erica quote to start the weekend! I have to admit, things weren't looking so great earlier. The energy has been off lately, and I've had a few mention this as well. Perhaps the change in seasons? The beginning of a new school year for some? Things are shifting, the winds are stronger, and the vata (Ayurvedic consistution, check it out) in me just wants to take off with the wind. I found myself completely loosing control this week, a feeling I do not welcome. I realize now why I thought of myself as cold, as strong and independent in relationships. It is easy to stay both feet in the ground when you date people that are wrong for you, or seem to be more into you than you are into them. When the tables turned this week I was hit with a 24hr insanity bug. Combined with strong winds, I was pushed over the edge. I was anxious, could barely eat, did not sleep well and couldn't concentrate. I guess this is what happens when you actually like someone. Wow, it's all clear to me now.

Today's post is very yogic as I realize I have been neglecting to properly ground myself lately. In the beginnings of a relationship (and I'm not saying we are IN a relationship, just referring here to a new connection between two individuals) it is easy to get swept off your feet... which leads to a loss of control. Being somewhat of a control freak, this state is really scary to me. Finding a way to stay grounded is really important, whether it be spending time with friends, reading a book, writing, meditation. For me it's yoga. My yoga therapy. On that note, off I go to a yoga class <3

Lessons from Verna

2011-08-29T20:59:00.000-04:00

We had our first kiss after the movie that night. I walked into my apartment with the biggest smile on my face. The next morning I woke up and I started to panic. What if the kiss was bad? What if he wasn’t sure he even liked me? How many times did I have a date try and sometimes succeed at giving me the goodnight kiss, leaving me feeling somewhat disgusted. OK seriously, I think only girls think this way, but still, I was panicked! (and it was a fun feeling) He didn’t throw himself at me from the beginning. He was testing me as much as I was testing him. Maybe this is the game we all crave and pretend to hate?

We texted while I was away and met up last night for a movie. Lying on the couch with him feels so comfortable. Sometimes I forget I only just met him. I want to lean over, I want to kiss him, but I hold back because it’s only been a week!! He does what he wants, he wears jogging pants, he wears his glasses when it’s late, he even fell asleep during the movie. Meanwhile I make sure my sitting position is flattering, my hair is perfectly placed and I’m not breathing too loud. Why are we so crazy?

We had lunch today and I saw him in his suit. I have never dated anyone who wears suits to work. I could really get used to this. I believe I told him twice how good he looked. Here I was, wearing my pjs compared to him. Our lunch date was very last minute, organized an hour earlier via text. I was not prepared!

Visit #3 with Verna my therapist tomorrow. Verna wants me to start a gratitude list before bed. I started thinking of one the other night and was overwhelmed at how much I had going. Is it possible that even though I am not married, don’t have a family, and don’t own a house... that I could actually be happy? And even loving it? Some people look forward to families, and kids, and comfort... others look forward to careers, independence and expansion of self. It seems most fall in the first group and they all stand there wondering what the hell is wrong with us? We are happy too!!! I may not have a family but if I google my name I can find at least 10 scientific papers and several websites showing what I have accomplished. So there!

Famous Last Words

2011-08-25T22:49:00.000-04:00

I was considering lying to my therapist and not telling her I was online dating, but that meant admitting to myself that what I was doing was bad. So I told her. She didn't judge, wasn't disappointed, instead she asked me about the guy. My answer surprised me. I usually have a list of reasons why I like someone. Mr. Neighbour was very organic, liked yoga and the outdoors, was very sensitive yet sporty. We had so much in common. With this one, Mr. A... and yes we have dropped the Mr. B's (phew), I can't really pinpoint it... I just know that I like him. I'm trying not to base it on what he has on paper. I don't know why I like him. He doesn't eat sushi, he will probably never try yoga, he's never been to Europe, doesn't seem too interested in history or culture but I like him. We met for a drink on a Thursday night, he was funny, intelligent, had a great smile and we seemed to have lots in common. So we made plans for another date. This past Sunday I met him for dinner and a movie. There is something quite sensual about sitting next to a man you are interested in for the first time. Sometimes your feet touch by accident and it makes you feel all fuzzy inside. I swear I could feel the heat off his leg, and it was sometimes so distracting that I missed parts of the movie. I cherish these moments as I know that, if it works out, a few months from now sitting next to him will not have this effect on me. At the end of the movie, he turned over, put his hand on my leg and said he enjoyed the movie. I was overwhelmed by his touch. I have no idea to this day what I said in reply.

Mr. A is manly, I miss manly. He is tall, he plays sports, watches TSN and loves football, but he's also sensitive and has had his heart broken. We talked about past relationships, about being in love, all over the loud music at the bar. On the drive home he said he wanted to see me again before I left for the weekend (for two days) and invited me AND doggie for BBQ at his place. HIS PLACE. This makes me extremely nervous.

Am I capable of taking this slow? When you meet someone new and feel such a connection, how do you slow it down? I'm sick of thinking about it, and to be honest I'm sure my therapist would tell me to just go for it, do what feels right. If I go full force and it ends up fizzling in the end it wasn't right. It won't fizzle because I gave it all, it'll fizzle if I hold back. So here we go...

Cottage Therapy

2011-08-17T14:19:00.000-04:00

On my last day of the infamous “Girls Cottage Weekend”, here I am on the deck looking back at the past week or so. What have I learnt from all of it, asks a friend. For one, trying to be more open as Lori Gottlieb suggests is very different than settling for someone who isn’t right for you. I think the fact that I date a lot implies that I am open. I give people a chance, I don’t base everything on looks. When I told my therapist all this she shook her head “you CAN’T force things”. I thought I was cold-hearted, selfish and insensitive. Was I like this with other boyfriends? No. Sign? Yes. If your heart isn’t into it it doesn’t mean you’re cold-hearted. Why am I so clueless when it comes to this stuff?

As I sit here, watching the boats go by while listening to Jill Barber, I feel like everything will be alright. OK maybe because I have a date tomorrow. I know, I’m so bad. I couldn’t resist trying a new dating site but promising myself I would take it slow. No latching on, no talking everyday. These boys need to know from the get go how independent I am. I’ve been talking to this guy for about a week. He seems nice, intelligent and successful. My therapist says I should take a break from dating and focus on myself, but I can’t just stop cold turkey! I’m not searching and half the time my profile is hidden. I won’t go on 3 dates a week, maybe one. I think that’s an improvement isn’t it? We’ve established in therapy that I am controlling, analytical, somewhat judgemental and have high expectations. In this university town, full of students, retirees and married couples, how the hell am I supposed to ever find anyone with that set of ‘qualities’? Maybe my evil grandmother was right, every family needs an old maid.

Marry Him!

2011-08-07T11:37:00.001-04:00

Lori Gottlieb explains why women should stop holding out for Mr. Right.

The Case for Not Settling

2011-08-07T11:33:00.001-04:00

So here I am, one week after the confusing pseudo-breakup. I spent the week doing my own thing, talking with Mr. Neighbour every few days. On Friday I broke down and invited him over to watch a movie. We didn’t sit close to each other and he didn’t stay over. I gave him a big hug when he left and almost started crying. I didn’t want to lose him but I knew it was inevitable. I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. There was nothing there. On Saturday, my family came to visit and I had already told them a few weeks ago that they would get to meet my boyfriend. I couldn’t deal with the explanations so I invited Mr. Neighbour. I still can’t decide if it was a mistake or not. They are getting used to meeting new boyfriends every few months so what’s another one?

We had a great day but I was getting more and more irritated by Mr. Neighbour. The fact that he didn’t have any cash on him even though he knew we were going to an outdoor event that most likely didn’t take plastic. That I spotted a table for all of us to sit at and volunteered to wait in line for food while he kept the table and he gave me this stupid reply about him wanting to put condiments on his hot dog (as if he couldn’t just take the dog back later for his condiments), so I let him stand in the sun and got the table. I think he realized his mistake when I sat down in the shade and he was still sweating in the turtle paced line. Maybe he thought I was trying to boss him around? He seems to have these quick reactions to me and I wonder how much of it has to do with his super controlling mother. Stupid things like the way he walks, and the way he smells started bothering me too.

When he moved into his place they changed the carpets, leaving this nasty new carpet chemical smell behind. I’ve been smelling it on him for months now and it’s repulsive. When he installed his AC and shut the windows, it got worse and I told him. It’s now to a point where I wonder if it’s HIM. How important are pheromones, and is it really true that they can influence compatibility? Well it turns out that this concept is not very well understood. One interesting finding is that your smell attraction changes depending on whether or not you are on birth control. So maybe I should start oral birth control? Can you imagine if the simple act of installing new carpets sabotaged our entire relationship? I could easily put the blame on something so trivial as carpet but obviously there has to be more. The attraction died out when the initial excitement was over. I saw him get irritated and upset, and there was something in the way he did it that didn’t sit right with me.

Regardless, it is over now. My family left after breakfast. We were on the couch not really talking. He got up to leave and I asked him to stay for a minute. I couldn’t pretend anymore. I said what I had to say and he immediately got up to leave again. I guess he was under the impression we had already broken up, and that me asking him to hang out was a ‘good’ sign. Oops. One thing he told me stuck with me, he told me to “get my shit together”. Hmmm, I’ve heard this one before. I guess I seem like I don’t know what I want when I’m dating a guy I’m not that interested in. Makes sense? Should I tell them I’m trying to force myself to like them when I realize I’m doing it? People deserve more than that... but what I’m trying to do is figure out if my reactions are my own creations and my own issues OR is it that we are simply not compatible? I have had boyfriends where this wasn’t an issue, so why should I settle now? It’s weird how sometimes the break up can also confirm feelings.

I’m re-reading Marry Him; The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. Maybe I just don’t get it yet, and maybe I’m just not desperate enough yet. Perhaps I’ll date a couple more incompatible guys and realize Mr. Neighbour was Mr. Good Enough but right now I don’t know and he deserves more. He deserves to find someone who thinks he’s Mr. Right.

I have my first therapy session on Tuesday. Perfect timing.

Another one bites the dust

2011-08-01T17:06:00.000-04:00

Another beautiful weekend! I just came back from camping with Mr. Neighbour and his friends. The first night was interesting, I wasn’t sure if it was going to be a good one but it turned out well. Lots of beach, beer, wine and good food. On Saturday night, after close to a full bottle of wine each, we retrieved for the evening. I somehow felt the urge to open up and share my frustrations about the ex becoming engaged and visiting in a few weeks, as well as the hurt from B whose name I sometimes say instead of Mr. Neighbour’s (yes, I’m horrible). He seemed to be ok with this information, understanding and helpful. The next morning all was fine and the rest of the weekend was great until we got back home.

90min of driving in full sun without AC with an empty stomach – I was lethargic. Unpacked all the stuff at his place, then my place, and there he sat after all of it as if he was waiting for something. Wasn’t it clear that we both need our space right now? I needed to shower, clean my nails, wash my dead-fish smelling dog and make lunch. And then he blurts it out: “can we talk about the other night”? OH GOD, I had forgotten. How silly of me to think he was actually OK with this information?! What is there to talk about? So I dodged it, said I needed some time, do we need to talk right now? He wasn’t happy with that answer and left, only to come back 30min later with my vacuum and some wine rack I have given him. So now we’re breaking up? After months of doubting and pushing him away I can’t say I was surprised. The amount of BS this guy could put up with should have gotten him an award.

Sometimes we want things to work out so badly that we analyze and make excuses. Maybe I was afraid of getting hurt again, maybe I couldn’t let myself be vulnerable to him, I couldn’t open up and trust his intentions. But could it really be that I just wasn’t into him? This one was perfect for me, he was patient and smart, loved camping and the outdoors, loved my dog, played sports. I SHOULD have loved him, I wanted so badly to WANT him. I turned on myself. What is wrong with ME? The sabotaging business, was it just my subconscious telling me “hey, this isn’t going to work out, time to abort”. Can we trust that this would NOT happen had it been the right person?

The ‘conversation’ half happened today without any final decision but I think you and I both know where this is going. The conclusion will be difficult, especially given the great weekend we just had. I feel like this one will be a regret down the road, when I’m 5 years older still looking for the one. I’ll think to myself “why the hell did I let him go?” when I can’t find any other guy who is willing to take care of me the way he did. And all I’ll be able to tell myself for comfort will be “it just wasn’t right”, and that’s all. You can’t force things... at least I know I can’t otherwise I would be happily married by now.

Here we go again...

The Heat is On

2011-07-24T22:42:00.003-04:00

Ahhh summer heat wave. The craving for beer on patio is non-stop and having a roommate makes it so much easier to justify having a drink. Now I see why the college days were so crazy... roommates! I’m finding myself reminiscing more than usual lately. I am back working in the department I started in after college, but with someone different. I sit in the lunchroom and almost expect my old buddies to show up to play cards. Or walk past different labs, peak in expecting certain individuals to be there. Funny enough, I now sit where a good friend used to sit. It’s all very strange but still good.

Funny story, if you recall “online guy” from July 2010 posts, he appeared only briefly before I started going out with M. Well we did keep in touch, and we (him more than me) would send random text here and there. Something like “happy new year”, or “I’m moving to Colorado”. I wonder what would’ve happened if I had chosen him instead of M or B. I will never know. He recently added me to FB (I really need to work on my FB screening) so he saw pics of the dog and all. One day I came back home with doggie and noticed that someone entered the building from the other side. Funny because I didn’t know we could get in on the other side. So I was intrigued. I walked up the staircase and yes, there was someone, and he did get in from the side door. Oh the silly thoughts that go through my head.. Anyway, I ended up almost face to face with this person because his door was next to the staircase. I was so thrown off that I immediately looked away and kept going. A few minutes after walking through my door I get a text, from online guy. He says “This might sound weird but do you live at ### street? I live here and I swear I just saw you and your dog come up”. Wow, seriously, really? Online guy lived right below me. I say lived because he has now moved to Colorado but for a few weeks we were actual neighbours. I never did see him though, maybe because I avoided his side of the building as much as I could. This new place seems to have a few other good looking dudes. This might be TROUBLE.

Mr. Neighbour and I are going camping this weekend, with HIS friends. Yep I’m nervous. He asked if we should get our own site or just stay with them. Ummm is this really a question? Of course I want my own site! Sorry I forgot to mention these people have kids. For one night maybe, but three nights hells no. I’m still on a rollercoaster with this one. I’m not sure what will happen. The true colours have come out and I even commented on his face-eating kissing. What happens if I use all my sabotaging tactics but he’s still sticking around? I’m still feeling pretty content with Me, Myself and my Dog but maybe that’s because I HAVE someone. I must really be taking him for granted. Man I’m such an insensitive dude.

Coming back full circle

2011-07-08T23:32:00.000-04:00

Happy Friday! I was walking my doggie tonight in my ghetto neighbourhood at 10pm at night wondering how I had ended up here. Alone, with doggie on a Friday night in the ghetto. All I ever wanted was a dog and now that I have one I feel content. I ever wonder sometimes if I really need a man. OK yes I need a man to put up my AC (and move it from the kitchen to the bedroom window when I change my mind - thanks Mr. Neighbour) and I really can’t afford a house by myself as the lady from TD Canada Trust told me, unless of course I want to live in the middle of nowhere. But really, I’m content with my dog and the rest of my life. Is that bad?

I met my boyfriend’s (Mr. Neighbour) mom last weekend. Wow. Scary. Apparently dad is more easy going, lets hope so. Sisters were cool, actually very nice. One of them is a yoga teacher, score!

My first week at my new job went very well. I had mixed emotions about letting go of my direction but this change might be good for me. And speaking of my direction I got an e-mail from a old co-worker today from Harvard. Says there’s a job for me over there if I’m interested, the sort of job I was looking for, in the direction I wanted to go. Would I move to Boston? My first thought was YES, but then what about this new job I just started? Only after a few minutes did I consider my new relationship, which was very upsetting. Would I sacrifice this relationship, admitting to myself that my career was more important and maybe letting go of my expectations? YES I would. Does this mean I’m not with the right person? Or maybe that I am used to being independent and cannot even consider another human being in my decision making? I recalled my high school and college boyfriends who spoke about working in cool places and left me wondering if they even considered me. NO they didn’t, and now I know how that feels. I also wonder if I have become too sceptical, assuming this relationship wouldn’t last anyway. I mean, history has shown that none do right? I didn’t tell the boyfriend about the offer. We had a discussion earlier this week about moving; I had mentioned to him a few weeks back that I wouldn’t mind going back to my home town to live eventually. He got all funny after I had mentioned it and all I could think was “oh c’mon it’s only been 2 months”. There he was, young me wondering if he fit into my plans. I’m selfish, none of my relationships have worked and so now it’s all about me. This clearly has to change for any relationship to work otherwise I’m back into the sabotaging business.

I still don’t know how serious this job offer is but I need to look into it. I always felt I would do something big and staying where I am just doesn’t seem right.

What's your name again?

2011-06-30T19:44:00.002-04:00

Well, B wrote back. A really nice e-mail actually. I found my closure. I thought a lot about what I wrote, how honest I was, how vulnerable I was and wondered why I couldn’t do the same for an actual great guy. A guy who is here, adores me and WANTS to be with me. Am I really the stereotypical girl who only falls for bad guys that don’t treat you well? At first I thought, of course not! but thinking about it again... it could be true. I’ve been testing Mr. Neighbour and he’s passing with flying colours. Yes I test, I admit it. Everyone says they don’t want games, no drama, just simple but that never happens. We all want SOME kind of drama. We need the ups and downs to make us realize how lucky we are don’t we?

Speaking of drama, I accidentally called Mr. Neighbour the wrong name the other night. Oh take a wild guess who’s name it could’ve been... yup, B. Oh man that was not cool. His response was stellar: he said he deserved more, that the least I could do was get his name right. Ouch. We talked, I cried (the day had turned out to be a complete nightmare and I had been needing to cry for hours), and then the craziest thing happened... I opened up. I had all these things I wanted to say but like someone who lost his voice, I couldn’t get them out. There it was, the wall!! So I started breaking it down, slowly. It’s still there but I can see over it now, barely.

How does this happen? After years of yoga, great relationships and friends, how do I find myself so closed off and skeptical? Have there been TOO many relationships? Am I getting tired and old? Oh well, let’s just hope things keep going uphill from now on.

HAPPY CANADA DAY!!