The Batfaces

Yea, but can he play AK?

2010-05-28T11:40:00.002-05:00

Full Article

Didn't know Sang had a son, but not that surprised. This is pretty awful, but you can't say parenting is at fault, Dad's perspective, from the article:

"He looks pretty healthy to me. I don't see the problem." Just so you know, Ardi's father is legally blind and has no nostrils.

Batface memory of the day memory of the day

2009-12-08T16:50:00.004-06:00

Remember the good ole' days when I was posting great memories of the day? Well, here's one of my favorites from that brief but reflective series. Enjoy.
http://thebatfaces.blogspot.com/2009/10/batface-memory-of-day_08.html

Super-Breaking Poker News

2009-11-13T14:07:00.013-06:00

In a developing story, recent information has leaked from the offices of some formerly fertile douchebag claiming that a certain, well-known poker professional has committed the single greatest sin in the game - namely welching on a marker.

The player in question has not been identified, but sources point to either this person, this person, this person, this person, this person, this person, this person or this person.

Apparently, the player in question managed to lose $60,000 in one evening in a $0.25/$0.50 game at an established, underground card-room, located somewhere in North Texas.

After the loss, the player may or may not have written a check to cover the debt and then requested that the check recipient (who might be this person, this person, this person, this person or this person) hold the check for one day when the check would be exchanged for three-$20,000 chips from this Las Vegas casino.

The following morning, the loser called the winner and claimed that collusion was clearly the reason for his/her losses and refused to pay the marker.

Interestingly enough, this same player allegedly had another outstanding marker for over three years. That marker's estimated value was somewhere between $9.50 and $16,725 and was owed to one of our own Batfaces. He claims he was able to finally receive payment by "using his anger."

Again, the story is still developing, but we think someone is about to get kah-rah-tayed.

How I Help People

2009-11-13T13:12:00.007-06:00

Batface-y guy Michael Thum asked me to come up with some suggestions for his son's 2nd Grade basketball team. Before beginning work, I recollected the various names of teams I participated on while in elementray school. These included:

Blazers
Tigers
Lions (3 times)
Red Sox
All-Stars
Pythons

All totally fucking lame. Tummy's kids deserve better than this. All kids deserve better than this. So, I'm posting a copy of the suggestions I e-mailed to Tummy. Please feel free to repurpose any of these for your own child's needs.

Scary Guys
Ankle Biters
Parisian Gentlemen
Entrepreneurs
Ballers (tee-hee)
Screaming Pharoahs (No idea what this means, but it sounds cool)
Leviathans
Krakens (again with a nautical theme, but you can only use this name if it has something of a non-sensical modifier (i.e. Blue Krakens, Speedy Krakens, Gleaming Krakens))
Benevolent Werewolves
Snipers (Double entendre and politically incorrect – clever, because this name would have been perfectly acceptable when we were kids. Still perfectly appropriate. Anyone who protests is uptight and in need of a beating.)
Faber Mongols (I hope you get the “Animal House” reference)
Invincible Monkeys
Welterweights
Neapolitan Mastiffs (Why is that only a few breeds ever get mascot recognition? Bulldogs, Terriers, Greyhounds, etc. Why not give a shout out to another one?)
North Central Texans
Dengue Fever (Why? Because there is no treatment for Dengue Fever. You can only hope it doesn’t kill you.)
Impenetrable Armor
Wicked Voodoo
Blunt Force Trauma
Screaming Bohemians
Proven Muscle
Obelisks
Untamed Heroes
Triage Specialists
Rugby Champions (because it makes no sense)
4 ½ Feet of Pain
Ornery Boys
Dogs of War (You can start every game with the coach screaming, “Cry havoc!” and then the parents scream, “and let slip the dogs of war!” The opposing parents will hate you because they didn’t think of it.)
Robot Hippies
Sea Monkeys
Witness Protection Program
Canadiens
Retiarii (these were the types of gladiators who fought with nets. Nets…get it?)
Chili Dogs
Chick Magnets
Leather Belts
Jukers
Angry Hamsters
Shaolin Vigilantes
Three-Point Mafia
Li’l Big Men
Hardcourt Mayhem
Dangerous Blokes
Power of Attorney
Hickory Huskers (from “Hoosiers”, but you have to get the red jerseys and the sweet gold shorts. Awesome.)
Dirty Rasslers
City Councilmen
Hoof-Hearted (your mascot would have to be a horse, but say the name quickly)
Ball Breakers
Crab Fishermen

In something of a shocking move, they actually went with Ballers, which is likely the most offensive name on the list

Batface memory of the day

2009-10-08T11:54:00.003-05:00

This theme is already going not-well, just spent 40 minutes reading every post on the below page trying to decide which is best. So, here - you decide. I'm leaning towards the pic of Fawcett and Johnny Fingers, altho recaps of Batface Softball and a home-game night at Danang are in the running.

http://thebatfaces.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2006-10-01T01:22:00-05:00&max-results=50

Batface memory of the day

2009-10-07T15:21:00.003-05:00

No time or interest in producing new content, but will try to put up an amusing post from our glorious better days every few days. Feel free to play along.

Very Shaney, by Tiny B
MONDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2005

Converstaion overheard at the La Riatta tournament on Saturday night, while standing in the buffet line.

Some guy to Shane: Hey are you the guy that won this tournament last year?
Shane : Yes, I am.
Guy : Cool, did you go play in the World Series?
Shane : Yes
Guy : How was it?
Shane : It was good. I went out to Vegas a couple days before the Main Event started to see what the scene was like. We stayed at Caesars and I played a couple small tournaments at The Palms to get ready for the WSOP. I played on the third day and was very nervous before I started. The previous day had been very relaxing as I went to the movie and to look at sharks. I also tried to get a shave at the barber shop at Mandalay Bay, but they were booked. That sucked. So I get to the Rio and I feel like I'm going to throw up because I'm so nervous. I quickly downed six screwdrivers so I could relax. I didn't recognize any players at my table. I played the first hand and stole the blinds. I stole a couple more blinds early on and started to feel comfortable. I was playing well and realizing that I shouldn't be scared of any of these players. I raised with A7 on the button after it was folded around to me. One person called. I flopped trip sevens but eventually folded because he had flopped a full house. Most people would have gone broke, but I lost the least amount possible, so I felt good about that. There was a guy on my left, who defended his blinds like crazy, often re-raising. I had a great read on him and knew what his game was like. A few hands later I flopped two pair, but laid it down because I put the other guy on a straight flush. It was a great lay down. Most players would have gone broke. I had built my stack to 15000TC and was dealt pocket 9's. I raised and it happen to be Mr Protectors big blind and he re-raised me. I had a great read on him, so I re-raised all-in. he called me in.00073 seconds with KK. I lost most of my chips. I continue to this day to beat myself up over this. I went with my read and it was wrong. I still think I played the hand wonderfully. I talked to some of my poker playing friends about it and they agreed. Marcel said it was a good play on my part. My friend Clonie Gowen, who I'm going to the Cowboy game with tomorrow, also agreed. I double up a couple times and then was dealt QQ. It was raised before me and I went all in. I got called by A8. Can you believe someone called me with A8? Donkey! He hit and Ace on the river and I was busted out. I played great poker and was out of the tournament.
Guy(clearly dazed and beaten): Oh.

Breaking Sports News, Must Credit Batfaces.com

2009-10-06T16:21:00.002-05:00

ESPN Dallas is live

A (More) Relevant Post

2009-09-01T10:06:00.004-05:00

OK, so your Texas Rangers have played admirably, but the August swoon looks like it may well be upon our heroes.

The Rangers surprising season has had my thoughts shifting away from this and toward to the great game overall and I've perused several lists claiming an all century/all-time lineup. With a few exceptions, it is all but impossible to choose the single greatest player at any given position. This made me think that it might be possible to widen the field a bit...say, select the 6 best players at each position (while allowing 30 at pitcher). Thus, with the help of the Tiny Box, I submit an all time list of the best by position. Debate or ignore:

Catcher
Yogi Berra
Roy Campanella
Johnny Bench
Ivan Rodriguez
Josh Gibson
Mike Piazza
First Base
Lou Gehrig
Hank Greenberg
Willie McCovey
Albert Pujols
Harmon Killebrew
Jimmie Foxx

Second Base
Rogers HOrnsby
Joe Morgan
Rod Carew
Ryne Sandberg
Roberto Alomar
Nap Lajoie

Third Base
Wade Boggs
Mike Schmidt
Eddie Matthews
Pie Traynor
George Brett
Brooks Robinson

Shortstop
Ernie Banks
Ozzie Smith
Cal Ripken
Honus Wagner
Derek Jeter
Alex Rodriguez

Left Field
Ted Williams
Rickey Henderson
Stan Musial
Joe Jackson
Lou Brock
Barry Bonds

Center Field
Ty Cobb
Tris Speaker
Mickey Mantle
Joe DiMaggio
Willie Mays
Ken Griffey, Jr.

Right Field
Babe Ruth
Roberto Clemente
Mel Ott
Tony Gwynn
Frank Robinson
Hank Aaron

Utility
Jackie Robinson
Paul Molitor
Robin Yount
Pete Rose
Craig Biggio

Pitcher
Bruce Sutter
Mariano Rivera
Sandy Koufax
Christy Matthewson
Cy Young
Grover Alexander
Lefty Grove
Whitey Ford
Satchel Paige
Bob Feller
Greg Maddux
Warren Spahn
Bob Lemon
Robin Roberts
Bob Gibson
Steve Carlton
Juan Marichal
Fergie Jenkins
Gaylord Perry
Rollie Fingers
Tom Seaver
Nolan Ryan
Jim Palmer
Phil Niekro
Goose Gossage
Hoyt Wilhelm
Catfish Hunter
John Smoltz
Roger Clemens
Dennis Eckersley

Players not making this list include: Carlton Fisk, Gary Carter, Willie Stargell, Gene Sisler, Orlando Cepeda, Rafael Palmeiro, Mark McGwire, Phil Rizzuto, Pee Wee Reese, Carl Yastrzemski, Joe Medwick, Ralph Kiner, Duke Snider (a personal favorite), Kirby Puckett, Sam Crawford, Al Kaline, Reggie Jackson, Dave Winfield, Jim Bunning, Early Wynn, Lee Smith, Dizzy Dean, Dazzy Vance, Burleigh Grimes, Tom Glavine, Don Drysdale, Don Sutton, Curt Schilling, Pedro Martinez.

If my memory is correct, of the 83 players who made the list, only five (Pudge, Ryan, Jenkins, Perry, Gossage) ever suited up for your Texas Rangers and ,oddly, four of those were pitchers.

The New Gig

2009-08-22T13:03:00.004-05:00

I was just hired as a part-time consultant by Spurt Productions, an adult movie production company based in Canoga Park, California. Apparently, they are having a difficult time conceptualizing marketable stage names for their...err...artists. Naturally, they reached out to me. Who wouldn't? Anyway, below, you can find my initial list of submissions. Also, I think you'll find that many of these would be great to use as an alias next time you check in to a hotel:

Remy Danzig
Matsushita Jones
Doyle Cabbage
Pablo Farkle
Abigail Chafe
BJ Hunter
Sergio Miyagi
Breezy Lube
Muhammad Lippincott, Jr.
Kostas McBride
Genevieve Donk
Antoine Ponyboy
Carmen Mao
Buffy Chowder
Blake P. Tater
Boris Mulcahy
Hailey Dammidge
Axel Poindexter
Miles Deep
Bitsy Ironsides
Tammy Bedroll
Stonewall Lipschitz
"Chicago" Bobby Rash
Buck Taint
Franz Turban
Angus al-Hariri
Keira Dipthong
Mai Dixon
Tiffany Gash
Tito Bumpus
Luigi Friction
McKenzie Squat
Crispin Walenda
Dill Bildo
Esther Diaspora
Burt Pounder
Wilma Bottomfront
Mimi Grafenberg
Duke Rabinowitz
Paige Cramps
Helena Decepticon
Percival "The Cinch" Valentine
Sara Mae Plowright
Harmony Grillspat
Katrina Fluffer
Herbie Felterbox

Batfaces in Florida

2009-07-23T16:31:00.000-05:00

Who Cares?

2009-07-20T16:24:00.010-05:00

OK, so I know no one reads this blog anymore. Except for this guy. And this guy. Maybe this girl. Oh yeah, and this guy.

So, to the four of you I say, get ready to kiss another 6 hours of your life good-bye. I've found yet another complete time-waster of a website.

But first, how about a boring diatribe of why I was searching for said website? Here goes. I watched HBO's amazing sports documentary Brooklyn Dodgers: The Ghosts of Flatbush for about the 8th time the other day (seriously, if you remotely enjoy baseball, you'll love the docu). The program had some nostalgic value for me because half of my Dad's family were Brooklyn Dodgers faithful while the other rooted for the St. Louis Cardinals. Apparently, if you lived in Amarillo, Texas pre-1968, you were either a Cardinals or a Dodgers fan. Go figure.

Anyway, Ghosts of Flatbush culminates with the Dodgers 1955 World Series win, after a decade of near misses, and the subsequent political battle that led to their relocation to Los Angeles just a few years later.

A few interesting notes on the 1955 series:

1). The Dodgers won the series in 7 games over the New York Yankees, but the style of play and management were vastly different that what we typically see in today's playoff scenarios. First, the two lions of the Dodgers pitching staff were Don Newcombe and Carl Erskine. Both were in the primes of their careers and both had been the mainstays of a solid 5 man rotation. Newcombe pitched the first game and lost. Erskine did not start until the 4th game and was pulled after the third inning, although the Dodgers eventually won the game to tie the series at 2-2. That was it for these two. Neither threw another pitch in the series, although both were available for the decisive game 7. Brooklyn put their top two pitchers on the mound for a total of 8 2/3 innings of the 60 the Dodgers would pitch in the series. Odd.

2). On the downswing of his career, Jackie Robinson had moved to third- from second Base a few years prior. Although still effective, Jackie Robinson was probably the Dodgers 5th or 6th best offensive player. In the series, he was actually benched in Game 7.

3). Everyone's favorite former Ranger's Manager (and person you least want in a street fight) Don Zimmer played in 4 games during the series for the Dodgers at second base and he started in the decisive seventh game.

4). Don Newcombe was a beast. Although his series performance wasn't spectacular he led the Dodgers pitching staff with 20 wins during the regular season. He also hit .359 in 117 at bats and hit 7 home runs. By contrast, Jackie Robinson hit 8 homers in 317 at-bats that same season.

5). After watching the documentary, if Johnny Podres isn't your favorite player of all time, you are an idiot.

Enough about the '55 series. In the documentary, Ebbets Field is as much a part of the story as the Dodgers themselves. The Polo Grounds and Yankee Stadium also get ample billing. I knew the dimensions of these stadiums were unusual and was hoping to find photos or articles written that would give me a better feeling for these old ballparks. What I found was this site. Holy shit. Photos. Diagrams. Bleacher profiles. Pretty much anything you could ever want to know about any major league stadiums (and a few none major league ballparks). Have fun.

You'll also notice that the quirkiness of many of these parks had a huge impact on how owners and managers built their teams to excel in these parks.

Here are a few of my favorite observations:

1). The Polo Grounds, home of Bobby Thomson's "Shot Heard Round the World", was a one of the strangest shaped stadiums ever. Built like a bathtub, the left and right field fences were absurdly short (279 and 258 feet respectively).

The left field fence played even shorter than that because the second deck hung aggressively over the lower deck. In fact, the only way to hit a home run into the lower left field seats was by hitting a line drive.

From the corners, the fences dropped sharply away. Center field (power alley-to- power alley) measured a whopping 440 feet. Essentially, if you were going to clear the fences at the Polo Grounds you only had about half of the total fence area to aim for.

In deep center, there was an unusual cutout that held the entrances to the players locker rooms. This actually meant that the Polo Grounds measured...get this...483 feet in absolute dead center. No one ever hit a ball over the 483 fence, and after 1932 only four balls were ever hit past the walls that connected left and right center. Interestingly, one of these was hit by Lou Brock.

In the video of Willie Mays famous catch off Vic Wertz in the 1954 World Series, you can see the center field cut-out to the left of where Mays actually caught the ball. By all estimations, Mays was probably 425-430 feet from home plate when he caught the ball.

Also, the bullpens at the Polo Grounds were located in the outfield..IN FAIR PLAY.

2). Griffith Stadium, former home of the Washington Senators, measured 421 in center field, 391 down the left power- alley and 405 down the left field line.

3). The Baker Bowl, former home of the Philadelphia Phillies, measured 342 feet down the left field line and 408 to Center. It was a paltry 281 feet down the right field line and just 300 feet in right center. However, the right field wall awesome 60 feet tall. By my own calculations, a 60 foot wall in right field at the Ballpark in Arlington would block the view of all, but the top five rows in the upper deck. Wow.

4). The field used in Field of Dreams in Dyersville, IA is smaller than a regulation softball field. It measures 281 in left, 314 in center and 262 in right. This would have been the perfect place for the Batfaces to play because there would be much less ground to cover defensively, and after yet another embarrassing loss we could all just run for the corn...

Is Scott Fischman the David Duval of Poker?

2009-06-23T12:18:00.008-05:00

Judge for yourself:

Sports News Fail

2009-06-16T12:11:00.001-05:00

from the genius of FailBlog:

The Wire vs. Sports, Again

2009-05-29T13:44:00.004-05:00

TJ Houshmandzadeh v. Kima.

The Wire vs. Sports, revisited

2009-05-22T10:04:00.002-05:00

2. Omar Little vs. Randy Moss.

The Wire vs. Sports, a series

2009-05-20T09:36:00.004-05:00

1. Josh Childress vs. Bubbles.

Pop Quiz, Hot-Shot

2009-05-03T22:22:00.005-05:00

Who are you most likely to see at the horse track?

This person or this person?

Scattershooting While Wondering Whatever Happened to Scott Fawcett

2009-04-13T10:31:00.004-05:00

Watching yesterday's coverage of the Masters made me think about golf, which I haven't played in nearly two months. It also made think about how cool it would be to see our ol' buddy Scott Fawcett in the heat on the final day of a PGA event.

I then fondly recalled Scott's outstanding ass-slapping skills and I wonder if he still has the stones to bring this kind of performance out of his bag of tricks.

Guy Spanks Girl and Shoves Pie in Her Face - Watch more Funny Videos

A sad, sad, sad, sad day for Randy Brown.

2009-04-08T16:17:00.008-05:00

Tragic.

An Open Response to Fucking Paul Tagg

2009-04-03T14:10:00.015-05:00

I can't believe the Batfaces got called down by some Canadian fag whose ties to our secret organization are circumspect, at best. Anyway, I assume that most of his post was directed at me, so I would like to take this opportunity to refute his claims. Let's look at the accusations:

1. Egotistical. No way. Not me. No one is more humble than me.

2. Misanthropic. I don't even know what this word means...and when people use words I don't understand it makes me hate not only them, but all of humanity.

3. Philandering. Really?!?

4. Racist. Not me. Tim definitely, but not me.

5. Alcoholic. No fucking way. Wait, you might have me on this one.

6. Back-stabbing. Not me. I don't work at D Magazine.

7. Bulimic. If by bulimic, you mean that I sometimes throw up in the middle of the night after pounding a fifth of VO, then I guess I might be bulimic.

8. Should fuck myself with Sang's huge head. In truth, I would like to do this, but every time I hang out with Sang, we just end up singing show tunes.

So, Mr. Tagg. Take your comments and stick them deep inside your...

You know, on second thought, Tagg is probably right.

Good post.

All Batfaces are egotistical misanthropic philandering racist alcoholic back-stabbing bulimics that should go fuck themselves with Sang's huge head

2009-04-03T09:50:00.008-05:00

Back to you, poker.

Batface Beat, Part 5

2009-03-31T08:56:00.001-05:00

Batface Beat, Part 4

2009-03-24T13:20:00.001-05:00

So Cold in Big D

2009-03-23T14:58:00.005-05:00

If one or two of our friends has a business engagement, it makes it all but impossible for the Batfaces to make a home game. Why? Well, certain people hate certain people and certain people are preggers and certain people just don't feel like playing poker right now.

So, if someone could please explain this one to me: how the fuck do we 'posed to keep peace?

P.S. How is it that this motherfucker is still breathing?

Batface Beat, Part 3

2009-03-13T08:44:00.003-05:00

Guns joins the conversation for some in-depth analysis.