it's just my inner dialog

I'm really not a risk taker...

2011-11-07T01:47:00.000-08:00

I tend to mock the superstitious: too quick to trust, to believe; too quick to comply with the mystery of the faith. Yet I must admit to looking constantly for cosmic signposts – not the ones posted for everyone to follow on life’s journey, but the ones that speak only to me. And I find them like detour signs in a song I can’t get out of my head, or they find me like oracles appearing in my dreams.

My flying dream evolved from my falling dream, which has been a recurring one since I can ever remember, as clearly as I remember being paralyzed by my fear of heights in my childhood. It isn’t new that I should experience the rush of a great fall to be awakened in a nervous sweat or in tears, but it isn’t as common as the more recent form of the dream where I sooth myself in the endless fall and remind myself I will not be hurt, a dream cannot hurt me, until I gently wake up. And I am no longer that child who held her fists clenched like rocks around the guard rail of the basket on the parachute ride or who passed the entire helicopter tour hiding her face in her father’s shoulder. I’m just the one who grew up to mock superstition and ride roller coasters.

Still, it wasn’t so long ago that I lost count of how many times I met the sensation of freefall with the desire to wake up and escape the fear. That was until the last dream started differently from others – instead of sudden realization that I had lost the ground underneath me, I found myself stepping toward the edge of a tall skyscraper’s rooftop looking for the bridge that would connect me to the next rooftop. At first I found a weak trellis that although would connect to a nearby rooftop, would not support my weight if I tried to cross it on foot. So I searched and spotted a sturdy foot bridge at the far end of the building. I pointed my feet toward it and felt my legs move in step, though I didn’t move closer but further from the bridge. As I looked behind me I realized I was drifting closer to the edge where the trellis stood as though it was pulling me with its gravity. So I walked faster, or tried, and even pumped my arms as though to run with my whole body, but no use. And I looked down to see my feet so close to the edge. That’s when I realized that my feet had not been touching the asphalt roof at all. And when my legs stopped pumping, I drifted with the wind, until I turned my head and leaned into the direction I wanted to drift and so I did. I said to myself, finally I can fly. My heart started beating faster, I felt my face smile, and then all I felt was the wind as I floated up and through cold clouds and then head first down and faster up and down again, and as I found my ability to turn into the wind and pull wide into the opposite direction. And the release of the fear that had earlier gripped me, when I thought I was being compelled to plummet, and the joy of flight combined, flooded my eyes with tears.

I woke up to check my cheeks but they and my pillow were dry, I had left the tears back in the dream. I told the first person I saw about my flying dream, yes I finally had one! Then I told everyone, especially the ones who had shared their previous flying dreams in the forum where people posted stories like that. And then I woke up again and realized I hadn’t told anyone about my flying dream because that was a double dream.

Not so long after that I read a story about 2 fish, or were they birds? And something I’m sure about breadcrumbs and far away peaks, and it reminded me I wanted to tell you about my flying dream.

fat tuesday... a kind of anniversary

2011-03-08T20:43:00.000-08:00

When ever this day comes around I think of sacrifice. And ashes. On foreheads. And the ritual deprivation that cleanses the soul. Not really, I think about the eve of Noah's arrival, that night in the family birth center. But I'll get to that in a minute. A friend mentioned this the other day, it's been baby fever everywhere lately. Congrats new moms, and hang in there mommies to be. So in your honor and because the day brings nostalgia, here's a birth story from an old website. He was born on Ash Wednesday. Sorta gave new meaning to the name Fat Tuesday.

best laid plans
The closer we got to Noah's due date, the less we thought about the problems we had earlier in the pregnancy. Except for the whole cervical incompetence thing, complications were minimal, so it seemed natural to form some expectations.

My birth plan wasn't too complicated. I wanted the support of both Todd and my mom in a natural birth without the aid of pain medication. Timing is everything, though; and we knew if Noah came early, plans might just go out the window.

I had gone back to work on February 10, and the plan was to work part time until the cerclage was removed on March 14. We figured another week or so would follow and Noah would be born. Plenty of time for my mom to arrive, right?

Tuesday morning, March 4, I arrived late to work after a morning of irregular contractions. By 11 o'clock, the contractions were ten minutes apart and soon I was on my way to meet Todd at the Birth Center (a convenient walking distance since I work at the hospital).

I joked a little with the nurse about needing to have the baby on my lunch hour so I could get back to work, but they gave me a dose of something that stopped the contractions. So I went home and Todd went to work. A few hours later, the contractions resumed, but again at irregular intervals. It wasn't until after 10 o'clock that night that I was feeling more than six contractions in an hour, so we got out of bed and headed back to the hospital.

This time, medication didn't work and contractions kept coming. They decided to admit me and remove the cerclage the following morning. There's no stopping this baby if he's determined to come out! Meanwhile, Todd and I waited a few more hours in the observation area. My bed wasn't so comfortable but at least I had one. Poor Todd tried to rest sitting in a chair, curled up on a small bench, even on the floor. No luck. He was exhausted.

early labor
I loved being pregnant with Noah--even with the challenge of bed rest. While I was home, I got a daily dose of Discovery Channel shows like Maternity Ward and Birth Day so between that and the labor and birth class, we were ready for any possible scenario in the delivery room. I just wasn't ready for any of it to happen that day. But there we were, at 6 AM, with a doctor I hadn't met before about to remove the stitch from my cervix. The next instant, it was dilated three centimeters. This is the real thing, alright. Labor officially begins.

We dug in and accepted the situation. True, we got caught off guard, but we might as well go with it. The priority for the moment was for both of us to catch up on sleep. We did just that, resting between contractions.

About eight hours later, when they told us that my cervix was dilated to eight centimeters we expected things to move pretty fast from there. Maybe it was the shift change and the introduction of a new nurse, or just the anxiety of being so close to the delivery, but my labor suddenly slowed. The new nurse was telling me I was only seven centimeters. Deirdre, the resident MD attending my labor, confirmed it.

don't push
They called Dr. Saner, my obstetrician, for instructions and she started me on pitocin. It didn't change much, so soon after, Deirdre came in to break my bag of waters. Still, my cervix had suddenly become stubborn. In fact it appeared a bit swollen as though it might hinder labor a while longer. The next thing I tried was standing, though with the intensity of the contractions at this point, it wasn't comfortable to stand more than a minute. I guess that's all it takes.

By around 5PM when Dr. Saner arrived, I could feel the urge to push intensify, but at last check, my cervix was not in a position for me to start pushing. Each time someone told me not to push, I thought, that's like telling me not to have a heart attack. I went from breathing through the contractions to being overwhelmed by them.

For the next twenty minutes, Todd stood by me massaging away tension wherever he could. At one point, I looked at Deirdre and said "I CAN'T" and she snapped into coach mode, drilling me through breathing and visualizing through the end of the contractions. Meanwhile, Dr. Saner convinced me that an epidural would ease the urge to push. I didn't feel like my body was giving me a choice so I agreed.

An anesthesiologist was setting up outside the door and I was still using all my energy trying not to push. The contractions were coming so close together that I knew my body was pushing whether I told it to stop or not. Again I looked up at Deirdre and shouted, "I feel a HEAD." Dr. Saner seemed to doubt it but checked anyway. The next voice I heard was hers, "Cancel anesthesia, we're having a baby!" Ten minutes and three contractions later, Noah was born.

On the topic of childbirth...
My mom says it was the worst pain imaginable, but it wasn't that bad.
The thought of having my mom attend the birth gave me an extra sense of security. Just thinking of all her experience was calming - so imagine the fear that struck when we realized she couldn't make it in time.
I didn't have time to regret our decision not to find a doula or midwife for labor support. Todd and I were on our own, knowing that my obstetrician would only come in at the time of delivery and that supportive nurses were subject to shift changes.

the resident
Relief came unexpectedly. She was hardly a maternal figure, younger than I am and a first year resident from OHSU. She came in and asked if I would permit her to attend the birth and I almost said no. Even though I understand that medical professionals need opportunities to learn, I wasn't so willing to be a training topic. Still, I considered any extra support at this point most welcome.

The resident, Deirdre, seemed friendly and soft spoken and had attended more than a few births. Most important, her shift started that morning so she was a constant presence, checking up on me until the following morning. We got to know each other during the preceding ten hours of contractions and she never questioned my desire to give birth without pain medication. I really started to appreciate her when labor got more intense and she was there to actively encourage me.
It took about eleven hours for my cervix to dilate eight centimeters, revert to seven, and, after having my water broken and introducing pitocin into my IV, dilating to eight again. Next thing I knew, I was standing and trying other positions that might help labor progress.

It wasn't long before I felt the urge to push but was told I couldn't or my cervix would tear. That's when I couldn't have been more grateful that Deirdre was there, talking me through the last few contractions, helping me fight the intense urge to push. When I thought my body was completely out of my control, she held on and gave me a focal point and just enough strength to get to the end of the contraction.

no coaches here, only active birth partners
If you had asked Todd before the birth if he was ready for the big day, he had no idea. We had gone to our labor and birth classes, read the books, and practiced some relaxation techniques, but was it enough? How would he react under pressure? What if I transform into an ax-wielding, hair-pulling, profanity screaming nightmare wife?

He didn't know it, but he was about to be thrown into action, ready or not. The results were pretty impressive. Todd hung in there, offering support despite the sleep deprivation that started the night before, and he remained attentive through the entire labor.

When we practiced relaxation massage (homework from the labor and birth class), we weren't so sure Todd knew what he was doing. No, really. But as labor progressed, he surprised me with his care. He held my hand, actively listened for what I needed, and was by my side to offer every comfort.

no cell phones in hospital rooms
Just about the only time Todd wasn't in the room was when he was calling friends and family. He would have stayed with me and made those calls but the hospital has that crazy restriction on cell phone use--something about interfering with monitoring equipment.

Most of the nurses didn't seem even slightly phased when Todd used his phone, but maybe that was just because they knew the cell phone nazi was coming on the next shift. As soon as she arrived, Todd had to make his calls out in the rain.

first, we meet

2011-01-19T19:53:00.000-08:00

So I wrote this in the about us section of an old web site I posted in 2002. It still makes me both giggle and cringe. But I'm not gonna edit. This Saturday, we celebrate 17 of marital bli...(otch)

He was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met him. I picked him out, I shook him up and turned him around; turned him into someone new. But I digress.

Seriously, we met while working together, not in a bar (I was under age), but at a telemarket fundraising company. And for a while we dated, if you want to call it that. Then it sort of came out that Todd had just moved out of a place he shared with his former high school skank... uh, I mean, sweetheart. She wasn't quite over it and made it clear by stalking him. She drove a VW beetle and we would listen to her noisy engine circling the block. Good thing she didn't know what my car looked like. Now, at this point, it would have made sense to avoid this baggage and make a clean break. Instead, we got serious. Go figure. I love a challenge.

It was a blissful time. Wait, that's not us, I was thinking of someone else. He said "I love you" first and I sort of left him hanging for couple of weeks. And I swear it has nothing to do with how he met my parents. Okay, okay, I'll tell you. It was the Christmas shopping season of '89 and we went out to some humungous mall in Orange County. Traffic was a nightmare with some road contstruction and detours; I was driving and got lost looking for the freeway onramp. So I ran this stop sign, directly into a Mercedes turning left in front of me. The front end of my car mangled, my parents had to pick us up and drive Todd home. Awkward doesn't quite describe the situation, not that Todd really noticed.

See, as far as he could tell, I was a college student who happened to live at home with her parents. Otherwise, I appeared to have my independence. Forget that my parents are Filipino immigrants who were a little on the strict side. And Todd had no idea we were still grieving the loss of my sister who died in a car accident just a year and a half earlier. I couldn't help thinking, this relationship is so doomed.

Well, okay, we weren't quite doomed. But it was a turning point anyway. I had to tell my parents I wouldn't see him anymore and mean it. Turns out Todd was a little more persistent than expected. He got to know them and their expectations, including the whole ban on public (and for that matter, private) displays of affection. Basically, he had to negotiate the details, for instance, how close to sit next to each other, whether to hold my hand, etc. My Todd, what a trooper.

It wasn't the last cloud of doom we would ever see, but since then we've been the cute couple you've all come to know and love. He proposed about three years later and in January, 1994, we married.

really should start speaking again. where's my voice at?

2010-12-10T01:52:00.000-08:00

It started with a Facebook link to someone's year in status - a collage of her 2010 status updates: some interesting and cryptic, some delightfully self-absorbed, some just hilarious but only if you knew she wasn't joking. I thought of trying it but I'm a little anti-FBapps. Still, if I look back on the year I am annoyed with this abbreviation of my own thoughts. Status updates are fun like haiku is fun, but so limited. Where did my voice go? Most of my statuses were my self-conscious attempts to express by way of omission.

I know why I abandoned the whole inner dialog and moved all my stuff to ~140 characters. When I realized blogging about work could put my job at risk, I censored myself. It left me with little more to say than the most sarcastic sentiments that fit neatly in a couple of occasional lines on FB or Twitter. I still feel the same about not work-blogging, especially after replying to a friend who tweeted #worksucks.

I could post a few words instead about Kina Grannis, and I probably will later. Ok, I will now. It's just that I was knocked out by her ability to reply to 160+ comments on a link she posted a couple hours ago. I feel like I could only fail if I tried to describe why and how much this impresses me. Yet how rare is it that you witness someone take the time to hold a hand out to a few hundred strangers and make them friends? How often do we dismiss it as an impossible disposition to adopt with any honesty?

The point? It was a prompt to hold up a mirror and ask myself if I like who I am. I can say that I do, but I don't say it. I waste my words on what I don't like about myself or what I do or for whom I do it.

So... if I can get a little head start on my 2011 goal, today I make an effort. I want to have a little heart, or a bigger heart, and share it. My tendency toward introversion should provide some challenge, or at least maintain realism in my goal. I don't intend to make every stranger I encounter a friend, but I do intend to make my family, my friends to know how dearly I value them. Perhaps this year my circle will grow, not superficially but to the depth that makes it worthwhile. So there you go, a message from my heart. I'll listen to it, see what it makes me do and let you all know how it turns out.

oops, you're a stalker

2010-02-19T19:16:00.001-08:00

When I realized somewhere in the weeks between Christmas and Super Bowl XLII, that I had been voting online vigilantly each day for my favorite Youtube video, the only thing that seemed appropriate was to keep it to myself. Who was I kidding - wasn't I too old, too serious, for this fangirl thing? What does this behavior say about me?

That was a little over 2 years ago when 10 top finalists, narrowed to 3, competed to air their music video during a 60-second Super Bowl ad spot, courtesy of Doritos. Imagine the glamour, the instant exposure that would come of winning such a contest and its prize of a record contract. Well, expectations are funny, aren't they? You can wiki or google Kina Grannis these days and get all the chronological details of how she campaigned and won, and how she later took a leap of faith and parted ways with Interscope Records.

Or, you can take a listen to Stairwells, the singer's independently produced painstaking effort, global release on February 23, 2010. As I write these comments, she is (I hope) taking a break to stretch, or else suffer writers cramp from autographing batches of pre-ordered CDs. If you want to know her story, listen to "The Goldfish Song" and experience the music recording industry from the perspective of a goldfish put out to sea. You'll hear a little doubt in her verse, then in a moment she reflects on the conflict of her decision. By the end, confidence emerges and she declares "This matter is mine... I'm not going to give it up."

The girl has integrity. I've learned that following her journey this far. My opinion of Kina and her music is far from those first 2 weeks of voting. I thought I shouldn't really like her much. She's far too pretty and sings songs with hearts in them - more than one, actually. And what is that, like perfect pitch? Not qualities that ordinarily draw me. Yet who would find it possible to resist?

I hesitate to let Kina know some of my reflections on her music. I think it's an unfair burden to go to the writer of a lyric and demand, how did you know, how did you write my song?! Well, she probably didn't. She wrote her own song. True enough for anyone who feels the guilt of disappointing others, then listens to "Delicate." I listened to her moving song, yet to be titled, and it's haunting refrain (also its working title) "when everything falls away from me..." And still, I wanted to ask her how my thoughts became her words?

There are no prerequisites for enjoying this CD. If an enchanting melody and gorgeous vocals are what you seek, they're in there. "Valentine," "Back to Us" and "Stars Falling Down" are so filled with the eternal optimism of love that I embarrass myself singing their lyrics. "Strong Enough" and "World In Front of Me" act like bookends holding together the chronicle of her quest to finish this body of work.

Well, she did it: crossed another finish line, only to find another race is ahead. Tour, tour, tour, Kina! I will see you in Portland at your next sold-out show.

if i could host a break-up party

2009-04-28T23:58:00.000-07:00

As for my own break-ups, I'm the last person who can give advice on the topic, but I can say they've all led me to become who I am. But what do you say to someone you know is going through a tough time?

For my friend and fellow blah(g)er in Alhambra, you know who you are...

I just saw Starlee Kine performing a new story in the live This American Life show I posted last week. The first story I ever heard her tell was on a TAL podcast where she takes us on her quest to write the perfect break up song. Sit back and relax for this one, it's a little more than a half hour long. It's followed by 3 short acts from other perspectives. I feel like the little girl in the next story, I still don't know what I would say to help her get through it. It's impossible to let go of the moment you're in and imagine how this will make you stronger, wiser, some day in the future.

Maybe I'd want to hear a happily ever after story, like Greg Behrendt tells in "She's Just Not That Into Me". From a guy's perspective, a break-up story is at once a little terrifying and little hilarious. Brace yourself, he admits to being a borderline stalker, but I think it's just a good story of being inexplicably love sick.

I am a big fan of spoken word as an art form, although storytelling I think is never more compelling than through a song. So, as though I didn't need another excuse to post another Kina Grannis song, here one that gives some purpose to breaking up. Kina, if you're listening, please release "Give Me Back" on iTunes so we can play it on repeat and go running.

[]

this life

2009-04-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

Ooh, date night! Todd and I almost never have babysitters for Noah. We don't have any family living close by and have a hard time getting referrals. So what a treat to have a night out. Together, that is. Usually we're limited to family friendly destinations. You know, the farmers market, the big park, the little park, G-rated films... even Ikea for Small Land. I can't believe just a few short years ago we mocked our friends for these things. You heard me. But dare I say it, we may have turned a corner on this babysitter thing. What did parents do before texting? And nanny-cam apps on their iPhones? Ok, no cam (yet). It was a lovely, worry-free grown-up night out. Could be habit forming.

The venue? Some of our favorite storytellers from This American Life were live on stage... somewhere far away. But with a little satellite magic, we watched the live broadcast at a movie theater in Portland. I try to listen every week and even go through their archives of the last few years to hear another great story. Who can resist a well told story? Once in a while, host Ira Glass takes his show on the road. Absolutely worth catching. A rebroadcast of the show is in theaters again May 7th. Support public radio!

the way i am

2009-04-09T16:34:00.001-07:00

Todd, Noah and I were having breakfast at iHOP last Saturday, the first warm [70' F] sunny day in weeks. They were planning their boys' day out... would it be fishing? video arcade? dog park with Misty? Oh all 3, why not? I would be driving to Seattle later, sending them tweets and pics from Kina's show.

We remembered that Easter is coming up and Noah told us a story from circle. It was about a bunny, he didn't want to be a bunny anymore so he went to live with other animals and be like them. At the end he wanted to be a bunny. Well of course.

I knew this story, I told him. Yeah, Todd said, it's a great children's book. No, I said, and looking at Noah, it's like when I was little like you. I didn't want to be Filipino so I would go to my friends' houses and try to be like them. In Alhambra my playmates were from Cuba, Mexico, Korea and Taiwan. So, after learning about all the other cultures, I realized I just wanted to be Filipino. And I am. Ha.

And Noah got it. Todd shook his head. But I love him anyway. He gets it, just thinks I get a little too introspective. That's what children's stories are for, aren't they?

I looked up the title, "It's Not Easy Being a Bunny" by Marilyn Sadler. I love a story that ends up with the hero finally liking himself for the way he is. Perfectly imperfect.

oh my, playlists do make me happy

2009-04-07T23:40:00.000-07:00

Happiness is meant to be shared...

Set list:
Down and Gone
Strong Enough
Cambridge
I'm Yours
Back to Us
Delicate
Together
Make Me
Message From Your Heart
The Goldfish Song

Notes from the night...

Jackie, thanks for sharing this night with me and for our friendship. Oh, where we've been together!

After the set, the sound guy cleared a bunch of chairs in front of the stage but he didn't bus the area. I kicked a glass over that was left on the floor. Sliced my toe but it didn't hurt.

When I walked up to Kina, I couldn't help it and gave her a hug. Then I thought, does she even know who I am? Oh, wait, she does. I'm the one who came up from Vancouver :) Still, I was self conscious after that. But then she gave me some kinnerd buttons and I hugged her again. Oh and then saying goodbye I held out my hand to shake hers and she hugged me instead.

So glad we met Christine from Seattle who took pics for me.

The first band showed up late so they had to cut their set short. They sensed the vibe. They knew Kina owned that crowd. Oh and Kina's sound check got more cheers than the other band's whole set.

The band that followed Kina was releasing a CD that night. But when Kina was done saying hi to people after her set, the place pretty much emptied. Maybe a bigger crowd showed up after we left.

I went to look for the restrooms, found 2 doors. One had a rooster picture and the other a cat. I wasn't really thinking. Opened the wrong door. Guess which?

With next to no promotion, this venue was packed. A little support from a radio station and she'd pack auditoriums. That day will come. In the meantime, it was fun yelling encore, encore, encore in a tiny intimate club.

Oh, the Asians, they (er, we) love Kina. Haha, looking around before the show, the crowd was disproportionately Asian. Not drinking much. Wonder if that annoyed the bar staff. Is that part of the Asian racial profile, they don't make for a good $$ night at the bar? Asians are so polite. This recording was so good because the audience was full of obedient listeners. No chatter in the background. But I think that's why no one sang along on the bum bum bums in 'Message from Your Heart.' They probably all thought, oh Kina's voice is so pure, it would be rude to sing along. Despite the longing in their hearts to do so.

It was a perfect day for a drive. Listened to the older Kina albums on the way up. Considered staying the night in Seattle, but all the adrenaline from meeting Kina kept me wide awake to make the drive home.

Thanks Mama G for giving me the green light to post the videos.

still here

2009-04-06T01:14:00.000-07:00

So I've had a lot on my mind lately but I can't say much on the blog. I haven't updated since I thought my work status was about to transition, and now it isn't. Tragically, I keep it to myself because I can't really speak of work objectively at the moment. It would be unprofessional and that's not my intent. Frustration is hard to hide.

I can say it's been a happy weekend. I took a mini getaway and drove a few hours north to Seattle. Kina Grannis played at the High Dive. Hoping I get her permission to post some videos to share. For now, some pics to remember the show...

it's happening

2009-02-03T01:20:00.000-08:00

After all the online applications, telephone and in-person interviews, plus three new suits, I know now that I will have a job March 1st. I should be copying and pasting from my resume now because officially I haven't applied for that job yet. It's the one I've already been doing, only for the 3rd time, the employer name on my W-2 changes again. This time, it's back to the hospital where it all started.

At the end of last summer, the CIO of the hospital announced the planned termination of the outsourcing contract. It wasn't an entirely unexpected business decision. I tried not to take it personally. For months, though, it was unclear what they would do with the people. Of the group that originally were outsourced in 2004, less than a couple dozen of us remain employed here. There was some natural attrition, along with a few reductions in force and a number of employees hired to meet the demands of new IT projects. A few weeks ago, the CIO verbally agreed that the hospital would rehire 100% of the department. It's taken this long for the lawyers to agree to the terms on paper.

So I took last week off, mostly to burn off some PTO days, but found myself doing much soul searching. I met last week with the director who will be my new boss and received my offer letter. I have less than 48 hours left to respond. What happens a few months or a year from now is anyone's guess. We could be outsourced again, perhaps this time to an off-shore company. The uncertain climate is just part of working in this industry. For the moment, I have a little job security, and who knows? The grass could be greener. Is that cautiously optimistic enough?

25 Random things (which I will not use to tag people on Facebook) that kept me busy since my last post in November:

1) Practiced smiling and saying "I'll have your total at the next window"

2) Contributed to the recession by trying not to spend any money

3) Got in touch with old coworkers from old jobs on Linked In and Facebook

4) "Friended" way too many acquaintances, then deleted them without telling

5) Looked at degree programs that might distract me for a while

6) Rearranged my husband's home office to suit my work needs, just in case

7) Pictured my son as President of the United States of America

8) Pictured myself living in the White House

9) Reconnected with my dad

10) Assured my mom that if we're headed into another Great Depression, my family will be ok because of the way my parents raised me

11) Had my first white Christmas in my home - historic for Portland metro

12) Ate moose for breakfast on Thanksgiving day in Idaho

13) Donated to public radio for the first time

14) Bought my first American flag for the house and raised it inauguration day

15) Celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary with new and old friends - some who came over for a party and others in cyberspace who made a nice virtual party

16) Bought used equipment on Craigslist and went skiing 3 times without poles, once across the blue ice of a glacier

17) Cooked, and cooked, and cooked perhaps more in the last 3 months than my entire married life

18) Finally found coworkers who will go to sushi with me as often as I suggest it

19) Went to my first tapas bar. Still haven't been to a topless bar. As far as you know.

20) Said too many sad goodbyes to too many departing colleagues

21) Watched movies that I knew would make me cry, but laughed a lot too

22) Started budgeting for the next family vacation, an Alaskan cruise

23) Taught Noah the names of planets in our solar system, in case he becomes an astronaut

24) Reminisced with friends about the 80s and 90s and realized I'll be 40... someday

25) Welcomed the changes to come

in the spirit of change, locally speaking

2008-11-09T20:49:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to squeeze in just another hour of 'me' time before the week begins again... I can hardly look forward to another week of uncertainty. A long time colleague moved on to a new consulting position, finally refusing to tolerate increasingly frustrating demands. His absence is a little heart breaking, though at once motivating. I don't know if I'll be next, or if there waits a mass exodus ahead of me, but change is unavoidable. The only question is how long this period of transition can last.

In my technical and professional life, I'm driven by certain ideals - not so much regarding hardware platforms and information security, but more relating to sustainability and continuous improvement. If certain standards didn't drive my performance, and I didn't believe that I was surrounded by the best of colleagues who value the same, I would have left a long time ago. But the culture of an outsourced IT department is influenced by pressure from all sides, and as much, if not more, by the client as by the global mega-corporation. So, hypothetically speaking, that means one could constantly be caught between psychotic and dysfunctional cultures. No one should be forced to endure that without an end in sight.

I'm glad I had a few good weeks of SNL and election drama to distract me. But it's time to get back to business. What happens at work isn't happening in a vacuum. No outsourcing contract on this scale would be unaffected by the global economic health. So I don't expect what lies ahead to resemble anything but controlled chaos. In the next few months, I'll manage to get through a few more small implementations, but the deliverables will suffer from all this pressure.

It is what it is. I find my inspiration elsewhere. Speaking of which, why not post a Kina-original playlist! Just an update from a blog last August, my dad's last visit at the oncologist was encouraging. I'm cautiously optimistic. Kina sent a moving repy to my email request. Hope to see her on stickam soon...

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she did it!

2008-11-02T01:00:00.001-07:00

Raised over $6000 for Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Recorded the experience and shared it with her fans. Announced she's recording her album this month! If you're reading this, you've probably heard Kina's news, but I'm so moved by this video I had to repost...

Way to make it go, Kina!

i gotta get some work done

2008-11-01T23:57:00.000-07:00

...but I'm stuck on Facebook. I am nearly at tears with joy. My dearest friend John (and frequent formal date) from 20 years ago just added me and I'm trying to catch up. I can't get over it, my circle is complete. I'm still catching my breath.

Reconnecting is so grand. I wonder what our friendship would be now if I wasn't so horrible at keeping in touch. I hardly knew myself then but he was just one of those friends I could always be myself with, as awkward as I was. For years I've wondered how he was and if he ever thought of me. I never expect that people who have had an impact on my life feel the same.

I think an 80s flashback is in order!

all of us are immigrants

2008-10-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

So I read this "You know you've been to Rowland Heights when..." list on Facebook. It's full of Asian references and lines like "...you know that pho is pronounced fuh, not fow" and someone added "you're white and want to be in an asian gang." Another friend once referred to RH as "the center of all things Asian." Is it really true? I think of it as a pretty normal SoCal suburb whose property value is sheltered by its proximity to a prospering Catholic church and the Buddhist temple in Hacienda Heights.

But then I followed a link to another comment from someone who moved away just a few years before I did, and he couldn't get over the transformation. Where did all the surfers go, he wondered? Um, they're still living there, they just happen to be Asian now. And now a bunch of them are even girls, dude. I read it to my husband who related, Tujunga is nothing like it was when he grew up there. I'm not sure how to react to that. Wait, yes I am. I'm pretty sure it starts with me saying, gee sorry time didn't freeze for you, white man. But to be completely honest, until my high school years, I really didn't identify with other Asians. I wasn't comfortable being different. It wasn't until college, really, that I accidentally found my identity in a series of ethnic and women's studies classes.

Years later I had to laugh at a comment a friend made in a conversation we were having about gay marriage. He said he appreciated my support but he didn't expect me to really understand what it was like to fight for such a basic right. After all, I was half of the average white couple. So then I had to stop him. Wait, Rick, you can still see that I'm Filipino, right? It actually took a minute for him to process what he had just said. Oh yeah, I guess there is some challenge to being in a biracial couple. I was all prepared to fire off the history of anti-miscegenation laws that were on California and most states' books until the mid-20th century. But it was an honest slip.

All of us are immigrants, right? Steve Earle says so. Here's a live performance of a song that's on my play list lately. We've gone through a couple of decades of global-talk. It was imperative, inevitable... then we realized it didn't mean what we thought it did. I live in a community now where I care about the quality of healthcare and education, not only for my family, but for my neighbors as well. That's what community means - even if you didn't grow up in the zip code where you bought your home, it doesn't mean you can't contribute the quality of life there. I can park in one lot and buy groceries from Asian, Eastern European and Latin markets. Chances are, I'll run into the parents of Noah's classmates there as well. That's a good global community.

I'm sorry to hear about your hurt feelings, white man

2008-10-16T01:34:00.001-07:00

...and other phrases I yelled during the debate. Yeah it's painful to be compared to a racist. I didn't see your opponent whining about his hurt feeling over the 'dangerous' ads. What a narcissist.

Oh and by the way, as I still manage to retain my employment, I should mention this: the views and opinions on this blog are solely my own and do not reflect those of my employer or its sponsors. Speaking of narcissists.

because we're so threatened, that's why

2008-10-10T09:36:00.000-07:00

Why is it we're so heavily dependent on our defenses?

Not only militarily, but the habit of blaming others for causation rather than putting all our energies toward peaceful resolution. We find so many ways to fight the wrong enemy. In everything we see around us, it's clear the world collectively got it wrong. Or, at least, we're stuck fighting the wrong battles. We need a little guidance, a beacon for peaceful leadership.

Obama is a step in the right direction; and I've more than come around: Biden could be a great, great vice president and future president. They aren't the leaders I speak of though. The Dalai Lama is. I have never converted to Buddhism, and his Holiness would never impose conversion. In fact, he believes doing so disturbs the harmony which Buddhism inspires. I heard all this on NPR this morning. It was a good reminder of what is truly important. We can only take care of the earth if we defeat our own vanity and insecurity. Only this lets us practice the art of happiness.

What happened to us? Did John Lennon's assassination leave us lost? I cry when I listen to this, my favorite John Lennon song, Beautiful Boy. From all the rage and satire, I just want to retreat and find some hope. Enjoy the video...

favorite things about Mondays

2008-10-06T23:09:00.000-07:00

I kinda love the Monday routine. Maybe not the diving back into work part, although I'm slightly less sleep-deprived than days past. Or that it's the day I'm most likely to skip lunch and drink way too much coffee. But it gets better. Perri, the best instructor ever to kick my @#$$, teaches TKB on Monday nights. The round tonight was a best-of with 2 turbos. Energy was high. In an hour I burned some calories, left some stress behind, and cleared my head. For at least that hour, I wasn't thinking of reduction in force or updating resumes or saying goodbye to my 6-mile commute.

A relaxing evening followed and after putting Noah to bed, I checked if Kina's highly anticipated video was up...

And? Cheers for shout outs! Why are shout outs so excellent? How awesome that we're next to Lady Danville, the Payphones, Santa Claus and monsters? I know, Santa Claus! Or being poured out of a teapot? It's just not something you see every day. I did get a shout out after exchanging emails with Kina about family. And the congrats was something she surprised me with after I posted my grad announcement. Nice huh? Nah, extraordinary. I never miss the Monday blahg. No one should.

Sarah Palin reminds me of Anna Nicole

2008-09-21T11:09:00.000-07:00

I'm bewildered by all the Sarah Palin updates I get in a day. My people are threatened by her platform, her archaic beliefs, her failure of integrity. It's clear that when she calls for change, she is calling for new levels in abuse of power. I know, hard to imagine given the crisis at hand.

Yet the fear that women will blindly throw their support behind her on the basis of gender, well, to me seems irrational. Is there truly a demographic of ignorant women who also happen to exhibit gender favoritism at the polls? I'm insulted by the thought. Each Palin media update I receive only makes her seem more absurd to me. I haven't seen such a disastrous void of self awareness coupled with excess of resources to waste since Anna Nicole. Too much noise. Perhaps the VP candidate debates will clear some of it up. This is a campaign of hope after all.

It's 2008. We need a collective awakening to personal responsibility and a willingness to be accountable for the care of others. Will that happen under leadership that still doesn't comprehend how we got here? This week I listened to a couple of podcasts from NPR about the mortgage crisis and the Fannie Mae / Freddie Mac bail out. They were stories about understanding root causes. I listened to the analysis of downstream effects of irresponsible deregulation. I came away understanding how personal responsibility is equally integral in the financial crisis. It seemed obvious, the profound parallel between the environment and the financial markets - we're all connected and the impact of our behavior is not limited to what we can see.

who's that girl?

2008-09-19T16:41:00.000-07:00

A woman's place is... where ever she wants it to be. I am a devoted Tina Fey fan and loved her impression of Palin. I admire Fey for her intelligence and humor and am so grateful that there are women like her in the media. So when I consider the remote possibility that the woman Fey parodied could be a heartbeat away from the presidency, I shudder.

A friend emailed me, asked what I thought of the dirty politics, I thought, it's dirty but it's comical and predictable. Actually that's kind of reassuring in a way. But seriously if this country actually fell for it and elected them {{sh-sh-shudders}} my husband and I discussed it, we would look for some overseas career opportunities immediately!

Once comforting thought: there are a lot of angry conservative women in politics right now. It tells us something about McCain's character that this is the only one he thought he could work with.

LinkedIn... seriously, LinkedIn?!

2008-08-25T02:57:00.000-07:00

First, to my friends who have texted and emailed concerns and encouragement about the current job outlook, thanks, I've stepped away from the panic button. I'll spare the rest of you the details, but suffice it to say, a few years ago, I experienced a tumultuous transition to IT outsourcing, then survived a subsequent acquisition. Talks are that IT could be brought back in house or another outsourcing firm could have an opportunity to win the contract. My company could also end up renegotiating the whole thing, but each scenario leaves things just as uncertain as the next.

So I've had this LinkedIn profile for about a year. I heard of the site in school and left it out there without much information - at least not the kind that say, a recruiter might notice. In light of things, I decided to login and build the profile out a bit. This is awkward. It's like showing up for a job interview and seeing your colleagues in the waiting room. In terms of networking value, it's hard to put trust into LinkedIn as a resource, particularly after reading a couple of incredulous recommendations. Then I noticed that most of the recommendations seemed to be in exchange for a reciprocal recommendation. What's with that? And who cares if recruiters are recommending other recruiters? Shouldn't they be busy reading my profile and not updating theirs?

I feel like I've been preparing for this transition since the moment I got accepted to the graduate program. Then I really questioned whether anyone would ever read those letters on my resume. And here I am at 3:34AM updating my LinkedIn profile. Good lord.

oh, july, where did you go?

2008-08-18T23:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the messages while I've been 'away.' It's been a busy summer I guess. Let's see, graduated in June, celebrated, went back to work... turned 37 in July. Worked some more. Oh dear, missed a 20 year high school reunion a couple of days after my birthday - but had a great time reconnecting with some classmates on facebook and email. Oh, internet, you make me seem like I'm not so anti-social after all! Thanks all for the links to reunion pics!

Todd's a 3rd degree Freemason... what does that mean? Or as I put it, how does that affect me? Well, he had to work the Clark County Fair Demolay booth at the beginning of this month. I felt like a fair-widow. Then his lodge hosted the Oklahoma Indian Degree Team and he's on that committee, so again, a little lonely in the Dow house. But he's back. Oh and the Indians made me dance at the Pow Wow. I have to get some pics of that and post them. It was a little like my boss making me line dance when we were in Nashville for a conference a while back. Not like I could say no, but it was a good time. A good friend explained it to me, my husband is a joiner. She comes from a family of joiners, so she knows. I was in a sorority at Cal Poly so I get the philanthropic part. I'm just not a joiner. It's his thing and I love him, so I support him. And shout out to all the Chi-O's in the Beta Kappa chapter!

Before I forget, we got a puppy! Misty is a gorgeous, energetic 7 month old Weimaraner. See for yourself!

What else... hmm... I wasn't going to blog this but I just emailed a request to Kina Grannis and told this story so... She did a KSCR radio show back in May and sang 'Make It Go' (00:38:10 in the recording) which i really loved. I asked if she'd play it on an upcoming Stickam Live show (time tbd).

I don't know the real story behind the lyrics, but the first time I listened from a mom's perspective. I thought of a child trying to make sense where there is none. Well my dad recently finished a round of cancer treatments and it made me feel about 10 years old. He's out of the woods for the moment and we're counting our blessings. But a lot has changed in the way he lives. He left for the Philippines at the beginning of the month because he can't bare the thought of not seeing his home at least once more in his life.

I hope she sings it. I hope the song doesn't make you sad. Don't get me wrong, tears come easily when I think of losing family members. Just that the sad parts are what remind me to look for an excuse to make an international phone call. What better gift than that? Then it's all 'My Time With You' ;-)

Today (at least it was today when I started writing this) is my mom's birthday. Happy birthday mom! I called to tell her I love her but I hope she doesn't read my blog. Oh well. Just in case, mom, you're my hero. Seriously, she is.

thanks *$

2008-06-23T01:03:00.000-07:00

Who is Priscilla Ahn?

Sbux did it again. They have me hooked on a new artist with their pick of the week cards.

What's better than free iTunes? The YouTube community. That's right. If you're a Marie Digby fan you may have already heard of this guy - georgebui101 has one of the most awesome yt channels for new music discoveries. The playlist embedded above is from his collection. Thank you for sharing georgebui101!

numerology anyone?

2008-06-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

I did the number quiz in a magazine once and vaguely remember being assigned a number or learning my numerological compatibility or something. Astrology is convoluted enough... I wasn't really on any kind of journey toward mystic enlightenment so i just dropped it.

Still, in my birthday, I have three 7s and two 1s. I know, not that interesting. But my husband, who incidentally has a fraternal twin sister, was born 6.6.66. Oooh. Where am I going with this... well, I just attended my very last class ever. One week until the final and graduation the following Saturday! That's right, class of '08. Well, this is also the year of my 20th high school reunion. Uh huh, class of '88. I'm just marveling right now how this year has been such a milestone. It's only midway through and I can count new opportunities, new friendships, even new hope in political leadership. How appropriate that my very last class of the program is Inferential Statistics - the study of assigning meaning to numeric data.

The numbers themselves, I know they're just markers. I'm reflecting at the moment on the meaningfulness of my life. Thank you, God.

more pinoy pride

2008-05-11T01:32:00.000-07:00

Miko Miko Miko!!!

Congratulations to creative and talented Emceemiko. Here he is, probably sitting at his Chicago office, where by day he's a CPA... it's the setting for his video submission in the Tide Talking Stain contest held recently on Youtube.

Thing about Miko is that his personality is so infectious. His passion for those people and things that inspire him is impossible to ignore. He is open about his faith and despite his obvious talent, is always humble. I mentioned in another blog that he was one of the many supportive fans who visited the blog on twoweeksforkina. After I subscribed to his remix channel, I think I posted a comment on a couple of his videos that I was voting for him in the Tide contest. Miko was very sweet to reply and since then, we've exchanged emails and IMs and once in a while I get a sneak peak on his latest work. His submission was just announced today as the winner! That means his commercial will be aired on television. Nice job. I hope this is the start of many good things for Miko!

Also check out his HappySlip tribute video. It's one of my favorites...