it's just my inner dialog

she won, she won!!!

2008-02-03T17:17:00.000-08:00

Kina Grannis won a record deal with Interscope Records. Can't believe how competitive it was, or how the suspense of it all hooked me. She's the real deal, not just this song she submitted - which is great by the way. If she couldn't sing, she's a gifted songwriter and if she couldn't write, she is an engaging vocalist. This week, she was flown to Arizona with the other 3 finalists and she had time to collaborate with competitor, Austin Landon.

He wrote a great song and I hope this exposure brings him opportunity. Of course it sounds so much better with Kina's vocals, but I post it here because he's also very talented. Kina got the votes though because she knows a little about people and promotion. Maybe also because she made that connection as much as her fans did. I'm talking about me here. Congrats, hapa girl. You reminded me a little of my sister, a little of my son, both so very dear to me. In the past month, between blogs and replies, I feel like I've gotten to know you and proud I played a very small part in this very big day.

fail harder

2008-02-03T04:24:00.000-08:00

I have to confess, lately I've been trying to escape some harsh criticism. It isn't that hard to avoid failure, or at least keep anyone from noticing when I do. It's a simple matter of avoiding extreme risk. This way, I don't have to disappoint anyone, self included.

Don't laugh, but one of my professors likes to advise me to fail harder. It's her way of saying I won't achieve anything great without taking risks.

I hope I can be the person who is prepared to achieve greatness, yet willing to be changed by the people around her.

Ok, enough over thinking.

Miss America reality check?!

2008-01-27T13:42:00.000-08:00

Dang it, I said I wouldn't let myself get distracted today. I would take care of all the unfinished business of work and school that is stressing me out. It's the only way I can stop stressing. I accomplished a couple of things on a very long list then I got called by someone from work. I am not a firefighter, so why do I let myself get consumed by other people's emergencies and let my own priorities slide? Ugh#!%**%^?!!

Well, before I try to slam my brain back in focus, I'll let in one more distraction. I haven't watched a Miss America pageant since I was a little girl, and back then all I understood was that people got really excited over it. It was like a horse race, with adults forming irrational attachments to their favorite... but I digress.

As I got older, I wouldn't be caught dead supporting that contest. It would oppose everything independent and free-thinking that was my identity. This caused some inner conflict later when I took to designing my own prom dresses. Vanessa Williams is the last (really the only) Miss America I can remember being excited about, and that should pretty much say the rest.

So what was so different that I should watch it after 30 years of boycott? Reality tv of course, to which I am shamefully addicted. TLC had this show... just click the link, I'll try to be brief. The close up look made the contestants interesting and allowed me to set aside that urge to judge them for their participation whole beauty-on-the-outside thing.

My assessment? My favorite MA pageant in its history. This is assuming of course, that every pageant since I was 3 has been about the same... and by MA's own admission, it has. Did you catch Miss Washington? She's confident, smart, Asian-American (at least half-Japanese as far as I could tell) has a gay dad, and has won a combined $30K in scholarships. She's in her early 20s so that means she either finishes her undergrad like a rock star or applies it to a graduate degree. She can sing and is smokin' hot, too, so who shouldn't be proud to have her representing our state? Before you answer, the reality show also reveals her as honest about her insecurities and willing to be changed by the people around her. In short, if I had a daughter, I would welcome Miss Washington '08 as her role model.

The other highlight was very unexpected. Ex-military Miss Utah seemed very conservative, not much in common there. Except she was all butch -- there is that. In one reality show episode, she gets eliminated in a competition of recalling the national anthem lyrics. She appeals to the judges, offering to do push-ups for another chance. So as she is being eliminated from the MA finalists, Miss Wisconsin looks at her and says (inaudibly), "You wanna do push-ups?" and suddenly the two, then several other contestants are on the floor doing real military push-ups in formal gown. Damn, I was so proud to be a woman at that moment!

So my favorites didn't win (Miss Washington was 2nd runner up), but it doesn't matter. Like American Idol, sometimes 3rd place is a better predicter of success. If TLC could convince me that the role of pageant girls is still relevant, ok, I'd say the network was pretty successful in this massive makeover. With regard to its being rigged, representative of a painfully narrow interpretation of beauty, and gratuitous in its use of the Lindsey Lohan punching bag... well, some things don't change. We take the good with the bad.

up for air

2008-01-25T19:42:00.000-08:00

The work / life balance thing has been kinda rough lately. But I kinda love the job. No really... even though you wonder, is that when you emphasize what isn't true by saying that it is? As crazy as it's been I don't mind the hours or other demands. But I used to say that about retail too. My helpdesk job was the same. I could have been a machine, it was so easy.

It isn't the actual work that I love. The work is just what I do. I problem solve and multi-task and I know how to do it well. I love the challenge, though, and once that's gone it isn't long before I've outgrown the job. So at the moment I think I have the perfect job (which is different from the dream job, just the perfect job) because as long as there is opportunity for spectacular failure, I feel challenged.

Of course, the problem with that is I do, on occasion, fail. My big miserable failure to meet a deadline this week weighed heavily on me. I got overwhelmed and I started to panic about updating my resume. I couldn't prioritize and left even more tasks unfinished. This opens up additional opportunities to fail next week.

I'm taking a breather, focusing on cooking and laundry, tasks that have a start and finish -- Zen moments. It's the weekend ritual that work has interrupted the last two weekends. Maybe I'll find my center and get ahead on reading some email so I can make next weeks goals.

i'm Filipina by the way

2008-01-25T19:26:00.000-08:00

When I think of being in the Philippines it's as a tourist. But that's me where ever I go. When I'm out in my community and I look for people who look like me, they're not always here. I'm way past the place of finding who I am. I'm in a place of honoring my parents and looking forward to watching my son go through all that.

My halo halo son turns 5 soon. I remember 5 so clearly - it's when I understood that immigrants, my neighbors, came from other countries like Cuba, Mexico, China and Korea. I learned how much we had in common despite our obvious differences. So it doesn't bother me now that I only know how to be an American woman. But my parents gave up so much so that I could be who I am.

There's too much to say on that topic. Some weeks ago, I mentioned watching Happy Slip on Youtube. In her latest post, she talks about going to the Philippines for the first time and how much it means to her parents. I just feel like she says it better than I can. Check it out if you have time...

http://www.happyslip.com/2008/01/24/1st-day-in-manila/

what this week brings

2008-01-14T21:15:00.000-08:00

6, count 'em 6 projects to juggle at work

starting the capstone project at school

meeting the client for the capstone project

homework for 2 other classes

turbo kick boxing now available at the 24 on Andresen, and I've been to 2 classes already this week.

power source issues in the data center, last weekend's downtime has to be repeated this week sometime

another tkb class at 24 tomorrow night... if i'm not working, i'm going (Perri threw in an extra turbo interval tonight... this is why she's my favorite)

don't forget to vote for Kina. every day.

planned monthly downtime this weekend (3rd in 7 days)... woohoo, sleep when i'm dead!

dammit... i'm still awake

2008-01-13T03:06:00.000-08:00

My work is done... but I might as well post one more. Here's a story about my heroes...

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I have to share a story which requires a disclaimer. It's serious, it's true, and it's the scariest story I have ever told. If you've been to my house you may have had the priviledge of hearing the "naked Todd at the top of the stairs lying in a pool of blood...now I have to sell the house and move" story, well it's a much longer story and not as funny. But it is at least as bizarre.

Last June, Todd took Noah fishing at Lacamas Lake. They settled in a familiar spot on a concrete landing. What might have been two young families showed up in a van and took up some nearby space to go swimming. The group was obviously intoxicated despite the small children they arrived with. Todd was annoyed but not enough to move from their chosen spot. He and Noah were friendly as usual, as two young moms engaged them in conversation. Then drunk girl mom decided to jump in the lake, while the pregnant, though not sober, girl mom stayed ashore. Perhaps realizing she was too inebriated to keep from drowning, drunk mom number one makes her way toward shore. So Todd goes to assist, as she staggers out of the water. It's still a foot high, so she could drown. I wish I was joking here.

In the next minute, drunk boyfriends one and two come charging out of the water and proceed to assault Todd. When I say assault, I actually mean big drunk guy starts beating his fists on Todd's head while little drunk guy stands ready. The little one insists he owns this one and takes a shot. So two drunk guys were punching and kicking him and their girlfriends too wasted to do anything about it. Todd, who kept stepping back, tried to stay calm and talk to them, even while their fists are flailing. But it was clear that they weren't hearing his words, "Not in front of my son." For that matter, they had no regard for what their own kids would witness.

As little drunk guy decides this fight is his, big drunk guy gives him some room. Todd is a strategic thinker in stressful situations such as these, as you know of course. He let little drunk guy land his punches, assuming, "if I injure the assailant, he'll sue me later." And probably he would have. He grabbed Todd's shirt and it tore a little, but when little drunk guy pulled, Todd ducked out of it and pushed him in the lake. This was good, until he realized big drunk guy was still on the shore.

So now I'm going to pause and remind you that my boys are fine, they are safe. Let's take a break and look at a slide show, shall we?

Ok, so back to the lake. Right, he starts taking hits again from big drunk guy and realizes this guy is less of a lawsuit type threat and really just a threat type threat. Up to this point, and I write a lot of words so it may seem that this took a lot of time, but up to this point, all things happening so quickly, Todd was backing away in a circle, all boxing ring style. Not that he wanted to intimidate anyone, but he was trying to stay close and keep his eye on Noah.

He had no choice but to get away from big drunk hard hitting guy fast. His shirt was already in the lake (with little drunk guy who never let go) and now he would lose his flip flops. He made a run toward some trees to lose big drunk guy and circled around to look for Noah. He called 911 and was told they were already on their way, as they had received a previous report. He explained he had been separated from his son and did not know if Noah was safe.

We are so grateful for the responsive Camus Police.

Meanwhile, yes, there is a meanwhile, another couple who had been at some distance observed the two drunk moms corralling an increasingly anxious Noah toward the van. They had lost sight of Todd but called 911 recognizing that these were not his friends. They had also been watching long enough to be suspicious of drunk mom and drunk pregnant mom "caring" for Noah, and came to intervene if needed. They would not allow drunk moms to leave until police arrived.

We are also grateful for these anonymous citizens.

When Todd came into Noah's view, he yelled "Dad!" and broke away from drunk moms to run to Todd's arms. You would think at this point, it would be over. Drunk girls gather their offspring and drive off drunk in the van. Todd clutches Noah and walks toward his car. He notices the van pulling up close to him, it does not pass but stops. Drunk little guy has apparently made his way out of the lake and prepares to resume his fight. Again, Todd attempts to reason, they both have their families, they don't want to do this. Drunk guy is still drunk. He continues toward Todd.

That's when the police arrived. One car stopped and apprehended little drunk guy. Other car continued after big drunk guy who jumped in the lake to swim away. Did I mention big drunk guy is Polynesian? So, not to stereotype, but probably a better swimmer than other big drunk guys.

Telling this is exhausting. Nothing compared to how Todd felt, and Noah. After some questioning and waiting while they pursued big drunk guy (I'm still not sure they caught him), the full moon rose. I looked up at it, huge, and wondered if they could see it from the lake. And why weren't they home yet? I called Todd on his phone and he answered. He gave me the idea something had happened, but I was thinking more of a senseless bar fight except without the bar, and Todd being somehow on the sidelines. And there was something about a cop taking pictures of his back, legs and head for the record. But you know, this is why I thought it was just a normal (for Todd) bizarre encounter.

So then my home phone rings again, "hello..?" I could tell it was Todd, but that he leaned on his phone and didn't know I was there. He was talking to Noah:

"Seatbelt...seatbelt...we have to be safe... Those were bad guys, huh? But you know daddy's ok, huh?" "Yeah, bad guys. We have t' go home b'cause mommy's gon' wan'us home." "Mommy's gonna be so upset, honey, but you be sure to tell her you're ok and daddy's ok." "Ok. I'm hungry." "I could have used some super heroes, huh?" "Yeah, like black-Spiderman that I saw in the moofeeater."

And if you didn't already know it, this is why Todd is my hero. I had no idea he had been beaten, that he had kept his head yet never stopped being concerned about Noah. I had my head buried in work and was in shock when he walked in the garage door, bare feet, shirtless, scraped legs and bruises on his head and body. If I didn't know before, what is right, what is important, and what matters most in the end, it's this.

work work work... and random thoughts

2008-01-13T00:14:00.000-08:00

I'm multi-tasking... a UPS in the data center is being reset and I'm on a conference bridge. While I'm waiting for my server to come back up, I think I'll copy and paste some random thoughts from an old myspace blog.

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I should really be doing something else right now. It's late and I have an early morning. Instead I'm here contemplating random thoughts, postponing both homework and sleep.

Random thought #1: Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? Seems lately I find myself among people struggling with disappointment and frustration. They can't seem to let go of their expectations. Sometimes change is good. But who cares what I think?

Random thought #2: Sometimes it's over, even though you're still together. It just is. And I don't presume to know if it's wrong or right to honor commitment for the sake of a promise made long ago. That doesn't change the fact that it's over.

Random thought #3: You can have anything you want, just not everything you want. What? In life, when I do get what I want, I don't get to say how long I'll continue to want it. What's worse, when I get what I want, it's almost certainly at the expense of something else I want. Deciding which I want more is too painful, so do I lie or cheat to have both? I want what I want, dammit.

Random thought #4: Go peddle your fairy tales elsewhere. If you know how pragmatic I am, you'll know I view perfect and forever as opposing forces. I don't have the power to stop time in that perfect moment. And, if perfection exists among mortals, it is only for a moment.

it's only stuff

2008-01-12T23:06:00.000-08:00

Over a year ago, I watched a close friend withdraw into a deep depression following a series of near tragic events. I struggled to find words to comfort her but eventually realized I was powerless. No amount of advice or support, from many loved ones aside from myself, could help her if she refused it.

In my reflection I ended up writing the post that follows. When I read it now, I realize that for me, letting go of things has always been easier than letting go of relationships.

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I know, I know. It's human nature to be attached to material things. I'm no different, except maybe that I over-think it. You know the survey question that asks, if your house were burning down right now (all the people and pets are safe), what would you save? What, it's a trick question, isn't it? Yet I can't help visualizing the inventory, scanning each room in my mind for anything that is truly irreplaceable. Would it be some souvenir from a once in a lifetime trip? Wedding dress? A picture of an ancestor? My sister's guitar?

Even as I make this list, I know the trick of emotions that is happening because I've assigned some symbolic value to everything. So what if it all disappeared? I've dealt with greater losses.

Alright, I do have an attachment to my sister's guitar. It's the one thing that I can touch, the one thing that immediately reminds me what I've lost. But wait, all I have to do is say the words, "my sister's guitar" and there's that flood of emotion. I rewind 18 years, Lani killed in a car wreck, world shattered. We did everything together and now I'll never see her again. Now, I imagine holding her guitar and I'm comforted, even though I am not touching it.

I don't need to. I just thought I did.

A thing, a guitar, only has that kind of power over me if I say it does. A long time ago, I couldn't imagine experiencing all of the things that would follow my sister's death--the extremes in life, all the surprises, the journey I couldn't see taking without her... yet here I am.

I've been thinking of her since our trip to Hawaii. She was born in Honolulu and although my parents moved to Los Angeles when she was just a few months old, I feel closer to her when I'm there. On my brother's last visit, he brought me her guitar and it decorates my wall now. My friend Jack polished, restrung and tuned it. I mean he took it to his house and worked on it for a weekend and returned it to me in better condition than I had ever seen it. Noah loves it. He asks me to pull it down from the wall so he can play. It's out of tune again (sorry, Jack), but that doesn't matter. What matters is now this guitar has created a connection between Lani and two people who have never met her, Jack and Noah. That's reason enough to be attached to such an object, isn't it? I'll keep it forever if I can, or give it to Noah if he ever wants to learn to play. I'll never throw it away. If the house burns down though, I'll let it go along with all the other things I let define me. The mementos and the status symbols--when the house is burning down, they're only things.

For some people it's their income that defines them. For some, it's what their house (that's burning down, by the way), says about them. We're all so very attached to material things and what they symbolize. It isn't Buddhism that makes me write this, though you might think so. It's my faith in God that tells me I'm not perfect and I will be attached to these things. And it's my faith that tells me to let go when it's time and focus on what's truly important.

Aloha, Lani. A hui hou, until we meet again.

it's just my inner dialog... are you sure you wanna know?

2008-01-10T21:55:00.000-08:00

I don't blog.

I don't because if I did, inevitably I'd write something to regret later. Here's what it is to me: a public spot to post thoughts that I haven't had the courage or will to speak. At this very moment, I'm suppressing the urge to rant about something private.

How does this affect me? I hear you asking, to which I answer, it doesn't. It's my blog and you're the one reading it. Not my intent to have any affect on you. So much so that I've written the entirety of my rant in this text field then promptly cut and pasted it to a file somewhere that you cannot access it. Ever. But I'm glad I had the chance to rant about not ranting, blog about not blogging. I feel assured now that I'll find other, far less useful topics to post here, until I get comfortable with other people knowing my inner dialog. So it begins.