Dear Life,

Dear Lifers,

2011-03-14T15:14:00.000-05:00

I'm a good person, I swear. When Nashville had a 500 year flood, I helped with the cleanup effort. When a crisis happens somewhere in the world, I break out the check book. I give money to homeless people. Is it sick that a part of me is praying for the nuclear meltdown in Japan to actually happen?

Sick,
C

Dear Vagina,

2011-01-15T09:14:00.001-06:00

I am not liking the amount of control you seem to have over my life. I thought we'd talked about this... just because a guy makes you tingle, doesn't mean he's good for us! In fact, you only seem to "tingle" with the guys who are terrible for us! Can't you work with me here? Just throw me a bone (heh) and for once, just turn a blind eye. Don't make me start banging some new guy who may or may not be a convicted felon drug dealer with no serious plans for the future or desire for a serious, long term relationship. Please, vagina... don't do this. :(

Irma

Dear New Boy,

2011-01-15T09:14:00.000-06:00

You spend most of your time watching movies and smoking pot and you make your living off selling drugs. But you are completely adorable, plus you have decent sex skills. I think I'm gonna keep you for a little while. :)

<3 Irma

P.S. Yeah, I know I have major self-destructive dating issues, I'll deal with that in therapy when I have some decent insurance.

Omfg.

2011-01-15T09:13:00.002-06:00

Dear Aunt/family-
You are stressing me the fuck out. Your ignoring tactics/crazy is really getting to me. I'm really sorry I asked to live here because you made the suggestion a few months ago. Your screaming and rude grandchildren are OUT OF CONTROL OMG CONTROL THEM PLEASE. Also, please stop fighting with everyone and saying mean things. I'm sorry for existing. Merry Fucking Christmas.
Terrified to tell you I am moving in less than a week,
-cj
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Dear Idiot Vagina,

2011-01-15T09:13:00.001-06:00

I know I recently consented to give you 90% deciding power in our life, but you gotta work with me here. You are turning our sex/love life into such a cliche that I am wondering if I'm not having some kind of extreme hallucination or I'm in a stupid movie. You've got me falling for the epitome of Bad Decisions! A motorcycle riding, felony havin' drug dealer who has no interest in "getting serious". Really? REALLY, Vagina??

At least it'll be a fun ride before it crashes and burns and I'm left alone, weeping dramatically and swearing off men forever,
Irma

Dear Really Nice Guy I'm Dating,

2011-01-15T09:13:00.000-06:00

You are practically perfect, you listen to what I say, buy me flowers for no reason and want to spend all of your time with me. So what's the problem?!?! Why do I not feel the same way at all??? You even bought me a bracelet for my birthday and gave it to me under the stars. You are everything I thought I wanted, yet it still feels like something is missing. Why can't you be a little bit of a bad ass? Maybe then I would feel differently.

Trying to figure out how to break things off with Mr.Right,

-D

Dear Family,

2010-11-30T02:09:00.000-06:00

As fun as this past week of Thanksgiving togetherness has been -- from the obligatory Scrabble game to the six days of absolute sleep gluttony -- I'm not going to cry when I get on the plane tomorrow. Things can get back to normal for a while. Henceforth, I will be able to masturbate in peace and not have adult relatives "meow" at me as a form of greeting.

C

Dear self,

2010-11-30T01:29:00.002-06:00

I'm pretty sure getting trashed the sunday night before you start your new job is probably not a good idea. What were you thinking? You're still hung over. Now you get to hang out with screaming elementary kids for 4 hours. Sucka.

Stop being an asshole,

cjm

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

dear day 10 of breakup,

2010-11-30T01:29:00.000-06:00

holy fuck. why do you still hurt so much?

nevermind, i can answer that.

1) because i hadn't had anything even resembling a relationship for a solid year before we met.

2) on st patrick's day... aka march. which means

3) it was the longest i've ever been involved, in any sense of the word, with anyone. ever.

i spent days 0-3 (last thursday thru sunday) in bed. didn't drink. couldn't stop crying. deactivated my facebook. day 8 went on a first date that should have been amazing until i realized that i couldn't care less whether this really sweet, genuine, gentlemanly guy EVER talked to me again.

i am broken until further notice.

then saturday there was a football game. i haven't been to one without him this year, and it was the best game of the season. it was so amazing and i'm angry that i didn't enjoy it to the fullest because i was pissed about the retarded stoner that i wasted 9 months of my life caring about. reactivated my fb to gloat about the game, naturally went to his page to catch up on what i missed and guess what? nothing had changed... surprise. he's still friending random hoes from god knows where and wildebeest bitches are still posting shit on his wall like "OmGgGgG i MiSsSsS u when r u cumming home to c me?!??11 i can't wait 2 cu lol ur so kewt! i <3 u j!!!!!!!!" and he's still posting happy statuses that are nothing like what i would have been posting if i had access to facebook for that week (think "hoping starbucks will make my draino vodka latte so i don't have to" or "will be dying alone in a pile of starving cats so please keep track of me and call police if i stop responding to texts". this was partly the reason i deactivated in the first place.)

oh, and

4) the reason i'm not perpetually wasted is that my body is literally rejecting alcohol. shots? a gag reflex that should exist only in 5-year-olds getting their throats swabbed for strep. beer? "WHY IS IT SO COLD OUTSIDE I CAN'T DRINK THIS WAHHHHH" like a little bitch. wine? well, okay. i drink a lot of wine. but then i just get old ladyish, wrap up in comforters and cry onto my dog which isn't really the point of drinking alcohol.... i think.

basically, i don't know how to do this. help. what do i do?

yours in purple teeth and perpetual relationship retardation,

-c

Dear myself as a 25 year old,

2010-11-22T19:14:00.000-06:00

You are pretty much an adult now. There is no reason to demonstrate how to do a proper "dropkick" when you are drunk. Injuries will surely result, much like they did last week. You are now going to have to explain at Thanksgiving why you have come home with a limp and a bum knee.

And, it would probably be best if you stopped hooking up with dudes at the moment you pass out. If you can't stay awake during the hook-up, its not worth it. Being an inactive participant doesn't benefit you in the long run.

Next time your concious goes out the door, try not to let your dignity follow.

Still recovering,

Dear moustache,

2010-11-17T12:13:00.001-06:00

I'm really enjoying growing you... even if it is just for the month of Movember. However, all the porn star, child molestor, and Tom Selleck references are getting kind of old.

Dear Rental Car Clerk,

2010-11-17T12:11:00.001-06:00

I'm glad that you think my driver's license picture looks like Justin Bieber. I however, do not find this comical.

Dear Work,

2010-11-17T12:09:00.001-06:00

Man I was just coming around to thinking you were alright. My boss even gave me a gold star for showing up on time. But then you smack me in the face again and remind me why I can't stand working here any longer. When will I have the courage to quit?

Top FML's of the week

2010-11-11T22:39:00.000-06:00

Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML

Today, I found my son's iPod touch and was looking at a light-saber app. He walked into the living room to see me fighting the cat and making sound effects to myself. FML

Today, when I signed into Amazon, their top recommendation for me based on past purchases was "The Brave Little Toaster" on DVD. FML

Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

Today, I was lonely enough to clink glasses with my own reflection. FML

Today, someone was getting beat up by 6 guys. When I tried to help, they had a swing at me as well. The cops came when I was enthusiastically defending myself. They got away, I got arrested. FML

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He got a text and reached over to get his phone. In the process, he elbowed my face and busted my lip. He laughed. FML

Today, my friend bought a smartphone and updated his facebook status with it. Two weeks ago he signed an apartment lease with another friend. Four months ago he bought a new handgun. Seven months ago he bought a new TV. He's owed me $300 for a year and a half. FML

Today, I freaked out when I couldn't get my bathroom door open. After ten minutes of panic when thinking about how I'd be stuck there for at least 8 hours until my roommate would get home, and another five mentally going over survival skills, I realized that I had forgotten to unlock the door. FML

Today, I went through my spam folder. I found out that I'd received several emails telling me that I have been sending emails containing essays for a class of mine to the wrong address. The term ended yesterday. FML

Today, I let my friend use my computer to download some music. Now, my computer has 6 viruses and 4 songs, all of which I hate. FML

Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML

Dear single friend,

2010-11-11T22:38:00.000-06:00

I just want to remind you to please have self-respect and remember that not having a man is not the end of the world. You're making single women look bad when you're putting away all your "non-negotiables" and dating.. say... married guys? Or guys who would never catch your eye otherwise? Guys who treat women like shit and take advantage of you?! We've all made mistakes but it just seems like you should have learned your lesson by now. I wish you could see
you are worth much more and deserve better, even if that means not getting attention and/or sex on a regular basis. Would you rather be married by the age of 30 to some lying loser who is probably cheating on you than be single? One more thing- YOU CAN'T CHANGE A GUY. If you have the idea that he will change once he's with you you're
retarded. You can change his clothes maybe or some of his bad habits but not the fact that he's a total asshole who doesn't respect you. From what I can tell, good/nice guys do exist but there's no way you will ever find one if you have zero standards and are so desperate.

Get help!

~LaDiva~

Dear Target Superstore:

2010-11-03T21:11:00.001-05:00

Call me an elitist, but walking up and down your aisles, looking at everybody else who visits you to buy shit - with their mouths open and their sweatpants and tucked-in t-shirts - I couldn't help but think: They all have a vote that counts just as much as mine! This democracy thing is so destined for failure...

*sigh,*

-T

Dear On/Off F-Buddy,

2010-10-30T20:57:00.000-05:00

Why do you have to be the way you are?? Why does it have to be completely impossible to have a real relationship with you, when I want you so bad that just looking at pictures of you makes my vagina cry a little? You're distracting me from the nice boy that respects me and actually wants a relationship. Stop making it so hard for me to forget about your beautiful, large penis and the way you smell in the morning. Gahh get out of my head! Can I just take your pheromones and your penis and transfer them to my nice boy??

Irma

dear Jumbline iphone game,

2010-10-29T16:59:00.001-05:00

you are my abso favorite way to waste time in class. i love you to no end and you make me feel smart and literate. but during my last two games, IN A ROW, the six letter words i had to find were MOANING and WEINER. yes, in that order. no, i am not shitting you.

can we keep it pg please? i do not need to be thinking about moaning OR weiners during my intro to criminal justice class.

there are kids out there,

-c

2010-10-29T14:54:00.001-05:00

Dear The Face,

You know why our hook-up was quote "very, very hot"? The lights were out.

There won't be a repeat of that mistake.

Love,

2010-10-29T14:50:00.002-05:00

Poor Life Costume Choice

Dear C and others,

I had a similar terrible costume decision. I've since modified...but still going to go for it...mostly.

I'm pretty sure the boys are going to be pawing at me all night,

Dear c

2010-10-29T07:48:00.000-05:00

I like boys but even I would want to hit it if I saw you wearing that costume. Best of luck!

C

dear C,

2010-10-29T07:47:00.001-05:00

SO. DAMN. CUTE.

here's mine:

(the black one)

i feel like it sends the right message- a cross between "i kind of have a boyfriend who doesn't want to commit to me" and "i'm ready to take jello shots and make the worst decisions ever".

happy halloweiner!

-c

Dear Halloween Costume,

2010-10-27T21:22:00.001-05:00

What was I thinking?

-C

Dear Lindsey,

2010-10-27T21:19:00.000-05:00

Not only do you clean the entire house obsessive compulsively and do my laundry, you also ridiculously inexpensive. My house has never been cleaner. You're a godsend! What am I going to do without you? My roommates are filthy fork-hoarding non-rent paying slobs.

C

2010-10-22T09:22:00.001-05:00

Dear Facebook:

You make it possible for me to mindread the daily ponderings of all my acquaintances - AND to get realtime news on the events and happenings they care about.

Now, I not only know beyond doubt how stupid and dull my circle is, but it also turns out that...deep deep down...everybody I know is really shallow.

Even the commentary I make up for my dog when he licks his balls is better.

Missing my delusions of friends with hidden substance,

-T