Why Advertising Sucks

So I wrote a book

2013-05-15T10:26:00.000-03:00

If you work in advertising long enough, you will meet dozens of people with dreams about making a movie, recording an album, painting a collection or writing a book. I’m the latter.

For years, I’ve worked on my first book. I did the research, wrote it all by hand, transcribed it, edited it, edited again, edited some more, edited a final time, edited a final time after the last final time, looked for information on how to publish and published... In a small blur of a moment, I went from working on my book to having it out there. It’s self published so I expect skepticism because who is anyone to judge their own work as worthy of publishing. It’s digital so there won’t be a book signing... for now. But it’s mine... it’s alive, it’s out there and it’s called Only Human.

It took about 7 or 8 years from inception to publication, it has vampires that don’t sparkle, it’s got angels and demons, it’s got werewolves (just don’t call them that) and it’s got my vision of what I think should be published. Yes, people read it and gave me their feedback, yes I did make changes based on what they said... the thing is that I did all of it. There weren’t no caprices from a client, no account executive suggesting another word, no creative director questioning its merit because it is not aligned with their vision... it is all mine (well except the cover because I can’t design for shit).

At this time, I’m excited, because even if it doesn’t blow the roof off the place and become a best seller, it’s out there. Sure, I know thousands of people self publish daily and that there is a ton of junk publishing done by people with a dream... and I’m one of them. I’m one of those people who put his all into one literary effort in the hopes of connecting with someone else, of entertaining them, of making them think.

When I tell people about my book, I’m not asking for charity, I’m offering an opportunity to sit down with my brain and a vision of a world I’ve created. I’m asking for you to read with an open mind and to find more things to read. I’m asking for a chance to be more than an ad guy with a dream.

So if you’re curious about exactly what I’d put my name on, check out Only Human on Kindle. Here’s the cover so you know what you’re looking for:

Cheers

That time I interviewed for a job I didn’t want

2013-05-13T08:44:00.000-03:00

The common conception is that you need to make a fantastic first impression when you interview because hell, you want to get out of Dodge, right? So what happens when you go to an interview out of curiosity? Well... a LOT happens.

A dozen or so weeks back, I got a random call from a random agency setting up a random interview... My impression was that, heck if they called me, they know what they want because it seems they’re sharp as a tack....................... the reality was a little different to say the least.

Instead of the well organized flowing meeting I knew wasn’t going to happen, I had an awkward 40 minute conversation with an ACD with professional ADD. Don’t get me wrong, the guy who interviewed me was super nice and I’m actually quite clear we could have countless buddy moments and great beer-versations... but during the “interview” we talked about him and what he was doing for more than half the time.

As my brother pointed out, that was all on me because I should have steered the conversation towards getting a higher paying job than what I currently have... but I couldn’t help but let things be and not force anything because it didn’t feel right ever since I arrived.

From the get-go it was awkward because I arrived about twenty minutes early since I wanted to beat traffic and wasn’t 100% sure about where the offices were... When I got there, the guy who was going to interview me was like.... what??? You’re early? It was funny and I was able to fill out paperwork and save time in the long run.

When he was finally able to get back to me, we get to talking and he goes like: “so why are you here?” and I immediately switched things on him and said, I think that’s a great question I think you could answer, because I got a call from you guys and would like to see what you guys need.

That’s when I took my psychology pose and an ACD basically told me all that he’s doing, how he thinks he’s coming off as crazy and that he wants to diversify his skills to be ready for anything... Talk about knowing how to butter up a prospect by telling him you’ve got a PHD and are studying for your JD to be prepared for anything that happens..... and I’m supposed to push to get this job? Interesting.

So there we sat and talked about life, what he’s doing, what I’m doing, why I got out of advertising in the first place, that I just didn’t like having to work late and weekend because people didn’t get their shit together and were irresponsible and that working with a mentally unstable person (the bad crazy not the good crazy) was anything BUT fun. Seriously, by being honest I ended up shooting my foot like twelve times not because I didn’t know what I was doing, but because I was EXTREMELY clear that they didn’t make a great first impression and that I wasn’t interested in what they were selling.

The reason is simple, first impressions are a two way street and if a job doesn’t deliver the goods in the BULLSHIT process where you are being fooled into taking a shit job, then why bother?

Cheers

Dove: Thought Before Action

2013-04-16T15:20:00.001-03:00

"I shared a photo".

2013-03-25T16:43:00.001-03:00

Must watch: Faith in Humanity, restored.

2013-02-28T11:18:00.001-04:00

You might be eating Big Macs and don't know it: The Truth Behind Calorie Labels

2013-02-27T15:32:00.001-04:00

Jennifer Lawrence's hilarious winner's press conference.

2013-02-25T15:31:00.001-04:00

When I grow up, I want to be like Caine

2013-02-25T06:22:00.000-04:00

With every day that passes, I want to be more like Caine Monroy. This is thanks to George Monroy for letting Caine do what he wanted with space, cardboard boxes and his imagination, Nirvan Mullick for being kind enough to document this young boy and for Caine himself, for insisting on a dream to have his own arcade.

The story in a nutshell is as follows: Two years ago, Caine asked his dad if he could use the leftover cardboard boxes from his used auto parts store to build his own arcade. His dad said sure. He built the arcade. He had his own t-shirt made, two offers for customers to play ($1 for 5 plays or $2 for a fun pass worth 500 plays), a system to give tickets when you win and even a security system to verify the authenticity of a fun pass… this is a 9 year old kid we’re talking about. All he was needing was customers… or at least A customer. In comes Nirvan Mullick one day because he needed a spare part for his car, sees the arcade, has his mind blown away and asks Caine’s dad if he could make a documentary… the video was made, it was submitted to festivals, and it went viral… Now there’s the Imagination Foundation, a non-profit organization to promote creativity among children, Caine has a scholarship to pay for his studies and people all around the world have jumped on board to do creative things with cardboard.

This is a kid who had a dream. Some people may say he brought it forth on a small scale and that if it weren’t for Nirvan, he wouldn’t have the recognition he has, and there may be a point somewhere within that commentary (although a stupid point I might add). The fact still remains, small scale or large… he brought his dream to life. He took an idea and turned it into something tangible. He did what the vast majority of the world doesn’t have the vision or the balls to do for their entire lives. He thought of something, said he wanted to do it, and did it.

For this alone, Caine is one of a handful of people I look up to in my life. So to Caine, here’s to you man. Going to East LA is officially on my Bucket List thanks to you and I hope I can do something as special as what you’ve created.

Cheers,

Ps.: I really hope you keep this up, because I’d love to see a full size cardboard arcade to promote creativity, green initiatives and education among young people. Think about it, instead of boring kids with lame textbooks, this could be the beginning of an integrated education movement where kids are shown how to create rather than bored with adult words that fail to entertain, communicate or educate.

There are two sides to every interview

2013-02-22T06:14:00.000-04:00

I’m usually quite calm during interviews and the reason is simple: I know what I can deliver, I know that I’m worth whatever money they’re going to pay me and I’m entering a partnership, not slave labor relationship where I’m expected to be subservient.

Apparently companies still think they’re doing you a favor when they interview you for a job… even when it’s them that are looking for you, instead of the other way around. You see, I could even understand if the person was the one requesting the job, since this puts the company in a position of power, because obviously, they have something you want… it’s a dynamic I abhor to be honest, but it makes sense… However, when a company is the one who’s looking for you, it should be the other way around, right? Apparently not.

My point of view is that both sides should be making the best possible first impressions to entice the other party to think that this joy will last forever. If you’re looking for the job, you should make a hell of a case for yourself and if it’s the company looking for you, the same should apply. So it comes with a decent degree of surprise when a company really does a piss poor first, second and third impression in regards to a business partnership.

Really, it seems most companies and most people have forgotten that a job is a two way street and that getting hired for a job is not the company doing you any favors. It reminds me of all the hiccups I’ve had in such scenarios. I remember once at an agency I resigned because I was getting offered more money… the answer? “Eeeesh, well we can’t match that, but we have such great plans for you….” Right. I’ve heard that story before and I really am happy with my decision in regards to every job I have left and for the reasons I have left.

I’m also happy with every company I’ve gone to and the reasons I’ve had to go work at X or Y place. They were genuine attempts to make something worthwhile and unfortunately it didn’t work out. The interesting part was that in each of those interviews, they showed interest and put on their game face to entice me to say, awww yeah, this is the right choice.

Apparently this is a lost art in today’s job climate and some companies are so pretentious that they insist they’re such hotbeds for talent that they can go up and call you, make an ass out of themselves and still expect you to play ball, for a job that wasn’t what you were initially offered, for pay that is less than what you would be required for you to even consider a change much less make it a done deal, or even to work for a company that doesn’t take its hiring process seriously.

So here’s to good decisions, to avoiding bad decisions and to companies who still know that if they want the right people for the job, they better bust their ass to court the hell out of the prospect.

Cheers

The Royalty Free Dilemma or Clients being clients

2013-02-21T13:00:00.003-04:00

From all the time I’ve spent battling clients and myopic visions that do not allow one stroke beyond the lines of the box, it’s always been interesting to see just how big a set of balls a client has regarding the quality of work versus time allotted, and more importantly, what they are willing to pay.

I’ve worked with clients that laugh at the notion of the word cheapskate because they’ve mastered the art of penny-pinching and getting more than what they pay for leaving that small word much too dwarfed by their assholeness. What strikes me particularly odd is the venom in their voice when they see that a generic royalty free picture they requested was used by another brand. They scream hellfire and brimstone because how could that happen, they PAID for that photo.

Which brings us to explaining that Royalty Free is not a style or brand of images, it refers to the ability of anyone to use the photo because it is not an exclusive picture…. yada, yada, yada --- there are royalties that other images pay, making it as we said before, exclusive... yada, yada, yada… and that THIS picture is free of royalties. After they finally get it, some may even ask what a rights managed image is and how much it costs… that’s the fun part because you get to see just how wide their eyes open and how they calm down when they see the price… well sort of.

That’s when they demand an elaborate concept (which the agency doesn’t support) to be developed, thirty hours are spent on a single layout… they don’t like it, and say thanks but no thanks, we'll go with the first option you worked on 3 weeks ago… and all is quiet… until they get the fee for hours worked… and back to hellfire and brimstone.

Clients like this exist and they suck on every level, which brings us to another question… why does the agency keep a low paying, low profile high problem client on their portfolio? Simple… because advertising sucks, and we’re here to remind you as often as possible.

How It Feels to wear Google Glasses.

2013-02-20T15:43:00.001-04:00

Be afraid. Be very afraid: "How to Rip Off Artists."

2013-02-15T16:24:00.002-04:00

Look at the palm of your hands: The Valentines Day Post.

2013-02-14T10:49:00.000-04:00

Come on. Go ahead and look at your hands. Nope, I'm not looking for you to think about your nails or if you need a mani. I'm doing this so you think about what friendship truly is. Yep, true friends - those who we are supposed to celebrate on a day like today (but you should do it every single day) - are supposed to be counted by your fingers.

Think about it. You do have people "you know". Some are close- ok, close-ish. But true, deep friendships? Nah, you can count them with your hands. They are there when you need them the most - and they are not there all the time, contrary to popular belief. It's a fine mix of being and not being there, because true friends you don't need around you all the time. Life moves fast, we all have different lives, but we all know that we're connected, all the time, even if we don't call every single day or see each other every weekend. (Who does that, anyways? Sick people!)

So today, apart from being the day in which all human kind or the majority gets laid decently, this is also the day for celebrating friendships. And trust me, I do it all year long. I cherish my friends because they represent family to me. As a only child from a single mother, they have become my brothers and sisters, my rocks.

So while I can't say your names, where are you or what you do to the 7 people who read this blog - when we have taken the time to write a decent post - I do know you will read this. So, here's my little Valentines Card for you out there.

Thank you for listening. Thank you for having patience with me. Thank you for making me laugh, for hearing me complain. Thank you for trusting me with your problems and your most troubling thoughts, thinking that I can help out in any way. I hope I have helped when you have needed me.

Thank you for letting me come to your house, or coming to my crib - and sharing a bottle or five with me. Thank you for being with me at my worst and at my best. I hope I say this quite a lot so it's not a surprise to you all, but I do really love each and one of you, life would totally suck balls without you. I cannot fathom not calling one of you to tell you what happened to me on a weird day, or if I saw an awful campaign, or if something just is so damn funny you need to know it.

You all know I don't have any real brothers or sisters that know me as well as you do, and trust me, this is something that truly means a whole deal to me. You guys are the only dudes and dudettes who truly know me apart from my husband - which is also my very best friend who will get awesomely laid tonight - and I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me.

I hope I'm a good friend, I hope all the amazing things you have done for me I have returned. I hope that I mean at least half of what all you mean to me.

I'm so glad I got fingers left on my hand, because I don't need 10. I'm done, I'm good with all the amazing friends I have right now. You are all just what I need.

Happy Valentines, guys. With all the love in the world, Me.

Now THIS Gangnam Style I would totally play at my house.

2013-02-07T18:06:00.001-04:00

Shaq's Beyonce Halo Lip Sync: Epic

2013-02-04T10:52:00.000-04:00

I can feel your halo beyonce was fabuloustout.com/m/v8p88x?ref=t…
— SHAQ (@SHAQ) February 4, 2013

Let's talk Food Styling: behind the scenes at McDonald's photo shoot

2013-02-03T22:29:00.001-04:00

No Tonka trucks for him. He's busy conducting: Edward Yudenich

2013-02-01T14:23:00.001-04:00

50 shades of Brian Williams and Jimmy Fallon.

2013-02-01T11:59:00.001-04:00

What does it take to be up to date?

2013-01-31T16:58:00.001-04:00

I just came back from a meeting that kind of let me thinking a little bit about the so-called "marketing experts". Today was a great day to finally figure this out. I can actually NOT know crap about marketing but still work at an ad agency? Sure! I just only need to dress like a hipster, have unruly hair, wear skinny jeans made out of vinyl (I'm not kidding by the way, saw this today) with Red Converse shoes. That's all it takes. I actually don't need to know about how to market to different types of people. I don't need to know the trends, how different age groups talk or act. I just need to show up, come up with a witty print ad, win a prize and bingo, there's my check.

What's up with that, ad people out there?

Listen, the last time I checked, we are PAID to know stuff. An amazing creative NEEDS to know all the latest TV shows, movies, magazines, trends, styles, activities, etc. Your clients DEPEND on you to know how they can show their brand in a new and different way and not look like total jerks. It's not their job to attend conventions, trade shows, film festivals, social media conferences. They are actually at your agency because they trust that YOU know everything that is cool right now, and most of all that you know your stuff and know how to integrate their brand in whatever is happening.

Today I had the pleasure to meet some hipster creative who had no idea how young people react in certain activities, what they are currently doing, watching, etc. I sat there thinking... man, you get paid a shitload of money and you don't know what a 15 year old likes? Are you kidding me? How do you brainstorm then, if you cannot pinpoint a certain group or target? Have you ever done some kind of research? Jesus H. Christ.

Look, I've been doing this for quite a while. And while I no longer work in a huge ad agency, I know that there are almost 5 or 6 people that visit our little place in the internet who I can help out. So this is the lesson for today: READ. Get up to date. Watch tv like hell. Destroy your Netflix account. Go to the movies. Go to festivals. Watch all the online free classes about ANYTHING that is current. Sign up to a StumbleUpon or Tumblr account and browse for hours.

Not only you will get inspired and do amazing work, but when you get that weird brief about any target, you will be able to nail it because you know what you are talking about. Not all people are the same, not all people like the same crap.

Do. Your. Job.

With love. Me.

Bravo!

2013-01-30T21:44:00.000-04:00

Much respect to the brave young girl who had the courage to come out to her parents in the following manner:

Scary and fun at the same time: Whale watching from canoe

2013-01-30T20:43:00.001-04:00

Smiling with my dick in your dessert

2013-01-28T08:44:00.000-04:00

After working in various companies, you realize that eventually it’s quite feasible that you’ll perceive your employer as the enemy.

Sure they pay you for work, but COME ON! How bad is work that they have to pay you to do it? This means that although you may have a good run, the vast majority of people will get to a point where they will get fed up with their current situations and start searching… that’s when things finally get fun.

Why you ask? Because when you’re actively looking for a new job, you start to find the surrounding circumstances funny. What used to frustrate you to no end suddenly becomes a joke… because pretty soon, you’ll drop this problem, return it to sender and add to their pile the act of having to find a replacement for you.

Suddenly you start to become more efficient, things run smooth and you quite possibly start producing your best work, because you’re finally able to ignore the tidbits of every day office bullshit that boil your soul to no end. That’s when you start smiling.

The best part is when people ask why the hell you’re so happy and you answer with an “oh nothing” and start skipping away. It’s because I may be taking your order and getting you a full blown meal… but you’re getting an extra something you don’t know about. It may be because you may be sending me more work I hate, while doing it with an attitude worthy of a güido bitch slap… and I’m still smiling.

And the closer your dessert gets to you, the more I smile... until you’re going to take your second bite. That’s when I tell you my little secret technique, hand in my letter of resignation and skip away like a giddy devil child.

So to all those people who are smiling as their moment of truth nears…

Cheers

You are not what you drive

2013-01-24T22:29:00.000-04:00

It’s so adorable to see people who measure their self worth depending on the vehicle they acquire. Seriously, one thing is to get the car you want and enjoy your drive. That’s completely fine and I’m happy for everyone who enjoys getting behind the wheel of a car… but thinking you are worth more than a person because you drive a BMW or ANY luxury car is just… well cute.

I use cute instead of douchelike, childish or ridiculous, because I really can’t take someone seriously when they weigh people with such a scale. For me, a car is a mode of transportation and although I recognize I’m not your typical dude who slobbers over RPMs, horsepower and other details, I can appreciate a good ride when I drive one.

Sure, some people may drive a certain type of car to project something or status… reasons I’ve heard and can understand even though I don’t necessarily prescribe to such a philosophy… but I get it. What I don’t get is the people who look down on other people BECAUSE of what they drive… especially when they’re tools.

To me, fancy cars are exactly the same as fancy titles like MD, ESQ, MBA, CPA or whatever the fuck. They may mean something to someone, but to me, I’ve met enough idiots with a PHD to not allow myself the illusion of worth based on academic merit.

Put it this way… a person may have a PHD, but you have no idea if they were a C student. Much the same way, a person may have a BMW, but they might owe the fillings in their teeth. It’s all about appearances.

For me, I’ll continue being the car I drive, foreign, inconspicuous, a good deal and surprisingly dependable.

Cheers

When Sushi Jiggles...

2013-01-23T21:09:00.000-04:00

That moment when someone offers to sell you a dildo at work

2013-01-22T08:44:00.000-04:00

I’m all for making an extra buck and yes even with a full time job, I work freelance. In times like these I can understand if you try to sell something from AVON, Herbalife or GATSBY, just to name a few. I’ve been offered girl scout cookies, soaps, herbal supplements, drugs, cakes, fundraiser wrist bands, clothing, more drugs and countless other items and I’ve said thanks some times and no thanks many others… but I’ve never been offered a dildo or personal lubricants… until now.

Call me old fashioned but I think the decision to buy any type of lube, prophylactics or your butt plug of choice should be between you, your significant other and the person who has to smile while scanning the barcode. PERIOD.

Having someone at work offering you said items might be convenient for some, but for me, I think I can squeeze my time to go with my wife to the closest sex store available to purchase whatever tickles our fancy or helps us tickle each other’s fancies while basking in the subtle yet unmistakable aroma of a sex store.

FYI, a sex store smells like a combination of porn mag toner, lube, old latex and edible underwear. All of them smell the same, and if you disagree, I invite you to visit two or more and compare… but that’s beside the point.

The point is that a co-worker offered me discount pricing on dildos and lube… Hell, I may love a sweet deal as much as the next person, but I don’t necessarily need a groupon discount on sex toys.

So what’s my rationale for not whisking up that wonderful offer? Simple. I don’t need anyone at work having more of a fucked up mental picture of what I do when I get my freak on than what they already have in mind. I don’t need anyone to know the exact amount of inches I choose to purchase to attempt to insert in my significant other, myself or in tandem… I don’t need strange people knowing what I like and how I like it and having them share opinions via text message.

Call me old fashioned, call me lame, but please… don’t call me to offer me dildos.

Cheers