Why Advertising Sucks

Here's looking at you, WAS.

2014-09-12T17:21:00.001-03:00

I started this blog years ago after returning from work at some ad agency from hell. I was tired, beat, frustrated. I needed a place where I could be myself, where I could write, write and write - without someone telling me that it was not on strategy, not witty enough or they just "didn't get it". I needed to do something meaningful with my life. So I opened up my laptop and just started writing.

It. Was. Heaven.

As the weeks went by, I decided to call up two of my best friends to tell them about this little secret place where we could vent and do what we love most in the world. I knew we had something here. It was a secret therapy group, and the great thing about it was that we could yap about every little thing that really pissed us off about our clients, bosses, agencies... and no one would know it was us. It was freedom - and it felt damn good.

You can trust me, we told the absolute truth. In this blog there are hundreds of stories that happened in real life. We only changed genders and names, but yeah, this shit happened for real. Our bosses were idiots, some of them who had mental problems or that we just did not respect in any way. Our clients were amazingly bizarre, making such demands that truly made us mad. I honestly don't know how we have survived all these years moving the fucking logo to the right and making it bigger, inserting family photos in full page ads or choosing actors who did not fit the tv ads just because maybe the client wanted their number.

We lost days and months of family time, hanging out with friends, traveling. Advertising gave me heartburn, nervous breakdowns, extreme bouts of insomnia... I know what it is to drink Xanax to function during the day and Lunesta to achieve some sleep before waking up and doing it all over again.

And between all the madness, here was this blog, helping us to try and remember who we were. At first, we had plenty to write about. The stories kept coming, so fast that we had to plan ahead. Then, when we got tired of bitching, we sometimes switched to themes we cared about: sex, movies, more sex, weird shit, toys, videogames... anything we could think of - an excuse not to write about our daily hell.

Is advertising fun? Yes, it sure is. I met the best friends of my life, and also, I met the love of my life there. Some clients are fun to work with, some bosses, like a mythical creature, exist and make your job fun for a while. I can't honestly say that this is the worst job of the planet, because it's just not true. But, does it suck? Well, of course it does.

Look, at first it's fun. It's an adventure. You think the world is your oyster, your ads matter and it's all so new. Fast forward to 20 years later, and if your agency does not let you move up the ladder, you're just stuck there.

Receive brief. Make ads. Revise ads for your bosses. Make new ads. Client asks for revisions. Shitty ad ends up printing. Repeat process.

I did not want that for my life. I could not sit there and look at a future of repetition. So after returning from a trip a couple of years ago, I did the unthinkable. I retired from advertising. Bye bye, ad people. I was moving on to greener pastures. Was I scared? You bet your ass I was. Was I excited? More than a monkey with a banana up its ass. It was a blank slate, a new adventure. It was, in a way, creativity at its highest point. And I was glad to take that leap of faith. I was let out of my cage. Free!

What have I been doing now? Let's just say, for the anonymity of this blog, something else. Do I have clients? Nope. Do I still make ads? Yes, of course, but in my terms - and it's not for "ad agency purposes". Am I happy?

YES.

The insomnia has gone. No more anxiety attacks. I am healthy. I smile more. My husband says that I look more relaxed. I think it was all the stress, but also, I knew that a tv ad does not really cause change or make the world a better place. Advertising does not do anything for humanity. The moment I realized that I did not want to do something that didn't really matter - and didn't make me happy anymore, it was just the time to move on.

Hey Me, but what's this crap about closing down WAS? Well guys, you deserve a blog that has posts, that has lots of content coming your way. And we just didn't have nothing else to talk about. Advertising has passed for all of us, in some way. Joker is exploring the world of writing in a big way, RestrictionsApply has moved out of the ad world and into a different field, and I just abandoned any thoughts of coming back to ads. In the years we wrote, we explored all the things that you will have to endure if you want to continue on this job. And if for some reason, 15 or 20 years pass along, read this blog and maybe you'll get why it's time to close up shop.

It's kind of sad for me to do this. This was our friend. I wrote for hours and hours here. But in life, you sometimes grow apart. WAS will understand. I think it even wants us to fly away and have better lives. We deserve this, and WAS is and will always be one of those things you do in your life that help you to move on, grow stronger.

Will we write one day again? Who knows. Nothing is set on stone, right? For now, let's just wrap this up as it is. It was a great ride. We won awards for our writing, we laughed, we cried, we cursed the fuck out of this place.

For my guys, Joker and RestrictionsApply, it was an HONOR to work with you. You made this even better that I could have imagined. Maybe one day I will hit the jackpot and do the WAS book, so it reaches even more ad people around the world - and we screw with their minds a bit, old school style. Me love you long time.

As for our readers, thank you. Thanks for all those years of support, for writing back, for letting us know what you thought, what you loved, what you hated, for reading our most venom filled posts and not puking and for just being there. We did not feel so alone with you guys.

We'll always have Why Advertising Sucks.

With all the love in the world,

Me.

It still sucks: A goodbye letter from RestrictionsApply

2014-09-12T16:47:00.002-03:00

When "Me" began WAS almost ten years ago, there was no Facebook, no Twitter, no concept of social media. In fact, smartphones didn't exist either. Blackberry, SMS, email and blogs, of course, were the way to go. I take pride in the fact that WAS was one of the first blogs out there with active participation from the co-authors (or is it co-posters?) and, most importantly, from our readers. In a matter of weeks, a small community was created, one in which we all shared a love/hate relationship with the advertising industry. Many things evolved over the years, most notably the range of topics discussed, from industry-insider dirt to hot babe rankings and pop culture review. Our lives have evolved as well, with many of us moving on beyond advertising, marriage and kids. It was a great ride for me, an outlet to vent, to laugh, to think and to, quite simply, be me. And for that I am grateful. Thank you "Me" and "Joker", and thank you readers, for keeping the flame alive and for inspiring us with your comments. The big takeaway after all these years of WAS? Simple: ADVERTISING DOES AND ALWAYS WILL SUCK!!!!!

Top 10 things I’ve learned from advertising

2014-09-12T16:20:00.000-03:00

10. You’ll meet some of the most talented people in your life. Simply put, I’ve met artists, writers and people with endless amounts of talent that somehow ended up in advertising. They are priceless gems that are not appreciated and underutilized.

9. It is the best job in theory. In practice, advertising sucks because of agency culture, power plays, revisions, shitty clients etc. In theory though, advertising is the strategic use of creativity. That’s awesome except not every agency is built the same. Still, the process is often broken and you will know to redo one thing about twenty times. Enjoy regurgitating and re pushing it down your throat.

8. You’re body will eventually give up on you. Sore neck, sore back, headaches, indigestion, spasms, carpel tunnel... you name it and you’ll get it because ad agency culture often leads people to unhealthy work habits that push them to the brink.

7. You won’t matter. Your health is not the agency’s problem. The agency’s problem is ensuring you keep pumping out material that allows it to squeeze the client for an extra buck.

6. The agency civil war is endless and retarded. Execs hate creatives. Creatives hate execs. It’s par for the course and definitely something that could be avoided if people grew up.

5. You will always be underpaid. This could be your perception or reality. The fact remains, you’ll feel underpaid. It could be the process, what you bring to the table or just the amount of hours you put in that dilute your salary, you’ll feel like you’re being screwed.

4. You will not get a medal. I’ve seen people be 20 years in an agency be rewarded with the cheapest spa package at a cheap spa place, valued at less than $120.

3. You will meet the people you most respect and least respect in the same confines. It’s amazing how much variety there is in an agency. I’ve met people whom I’d chisel a pedestal from granite and other people who would get my piss to put the fire out in their hair.

2. You will not be taken seriously by your family. This is a fact... a sad, frustrating fact, thought still a fact nonetheless. You will be the black sheep, the weirdo and you will never play it out so might as well get used to it.

1. Odds are you will work in a bunch of places before you’re 40. I jumped between 5 agencies in a 3 and a half year period. This isn’t necessarily a healthy thing.

Are there more lessons... of course yes, though these are the top ten you need to be able to survive and know what you’re in for, so good luck.

To be continued…

2014-09-12T11:11:00.000-03:00

This is my final message here on WAS. It’s been a hell of a run. We almost got to 4,000 posts. We tore shit up. We spoke our minds and hearts... We didn’t hold back.

And now, this blog ends.

There is more to come from all WAS contributors, but this blog will pass to a better life.

For my part, I have loved these 9 years of hate filled love. I was able to truly find my passion, which is writing. We’ve bled, we’ve sweat and shed tears for this blog. We’ve had our asses dilated by an unforgiving industry that pushed us to the limit.

But we’re still fucking here.

We’re ending the blog on our terms. Now. We didn’t get to the tenth season because we have shit to do and we’re doing it.

Every single member of WAS is going through their own evolution and for me, it’s been pursuing my dream to be a writer. Not a copywriter, but a writer. With one novel down, one poetry collection published, two finished projects which will be published soon and 4 others in the pipeline, I need to give this blog thanks for inspiring me to write... to be consistent with my writing. To explore, to push, to break down walls.

I have honestly not given a fuck to limit my topics and have spoken my mind on everything from gender to racism because these topics need to be talked about.

But this era ends. We are unable to remain being one trick ponies and are looking ahead.

Still, this is a to be continued, not a goodbye. There are other WAS projects that will live beyond this blog because they are the next step in our evolution.

We will not take no for an answer. We will not rest until our message of agency anarchy reaches all the people we can help to reach.

There are other mediums, other people that need our message to laugh and relate, and other challenges to tackle. So here’s til next we see you. It’s been a fucking honor to slice my stomach open and use my guts and blood as ink to write my testament regarding an industry I’d hate even more if I didn’t love it just a bit.

This is not goodbye, this is a sayonara to the blog and a warning to you... we will not rest. We don’t do rest. We don’t do giving up. We live for the moment, for the surprise and I still have a Joker or two up my sleeves. So stay tuned kiddies, there will be no warning when we strike... but you have been warned. This is not the end of WAS. This is just us giving you a chance to miss us before we tear you a new one.

Peace, love and maki rolls.

Chef Joker, signing off.

Cheers

Why advertising doesn’t suck

2014-09-12T09:44:00.000-03:00

For 9 years we’ve been ranting about why advertising is a piece of shit... and the fact is that there are some great things in advertising we overlook or simply don’t focus on because there’s so much to deal with.

So yeah, for 9 years we’ve preached the contrary... though I insist, advertising doesn’t suck.

I’ve met some of the most important people in my life thanks to advertising. You come into contact with interesting people, you learn a lot of a lot of industries, there’s never a dull moment, you learn to deal with a myriad of human tempers. In essence, it’s a whole life you can experience in a couple of years... it isn’t always pleasant but it is interesting.

So here’s to advertising. There’s a chance I return to the fray soon and all I can say is that as long as there’s a challenge, there’s a reason to be thankful. Some things might be stupid, some people may be full of shit... still... there’s shit to do and you can have fun doing it.

Having worked elsewhere and in other industries, I miss the camaraderie, the kinship and the bonds you form in advertising. When you find a special group of people, you are well aware that you could take them into combat and that you’d all make it. I had that happen twice and I will never forget knowing I have people who had my back.

The work in theory is fascinating and has some days that are borderline awesome. So here’s to those moments. Sure there are other sucky ones, still... the good outweighs the bad and if you can overcome the challenges, which there are many... advertising can even be gratifying.

For me, I met Me, Restrictions Apply and Travis Fkr through advertising... just that is reason enough to be thankful for my stints in advertising. Through the test of time, I’ve been able to realize what true friends feel like and I was invited 9 years ago to partake in this lambasting of an industry.

The fact remains, there are some very shitty facts about advertising... but if the long nights, the frustrations, the physical exhaustions and conditions I developed are the price to pay for friends like my WAS brethren, so fucking be it.

Cheers friends. One more post to go.

Joker

Joker’s picks

2014-09-11T23:08:00.002-03:00

--> During my run here on W.A.S. I’ve always loved recommending a variety of things because regardless of the effects of advertising and marketing, there is no better promotion than word of mouth, and although some people insist otherwise, you can’t buy gosh honest word of mouth. So here’s some recommendations throughout all the things I could think of recommending.

Food and drink

- The Thomas at Fagianni’s (Napa): out of my meals when I’ve traveled to Napa, this place is something truly special. Great food, great drinks, wonderful ambiance and a rooftop terrace.

- The Franklin Fountain (Philadelphia): old school ice cream bliss in Philadelphia. Philadelphia has offered me brilliant beer, great concerts and the Franklin Fountain. Make sure to visit and feel free to indulge.

- The Plough and the Stars (Philadelphia): One of the best bars I’ve ever been to. Clean, great drinks, wonderful beers and just a lovely atmosphere. Did I mention the great beer... yeah. GREAT beer. :D

- Dogfish Head’s Bitches Brew: A wonderfully complex beer that should be drunk from draft, if you can find it.I've paid $12 a glass for a fundraiser and thought it was a deal. THAT good.

- Kollar Chocolates: cardamom, earl grey tea, pollen and chili flavored truffles are waiting for you to bite in.If you need anything else to convince you, I have no idea what is wrong with you.

- Ikura Sushi Bistro (Puerto Rico): The best eel sashimi I’ve ever had in my life. With over 60 sushi restaurant visits in my life, this means something. If you’re ever in the Caribbean, don’t miss out on this gem of a spot near the Caribe Hilton.Make sure to keep your group to 4 or under though. Small place, slight wait... brilliant sushi.

- Kangaroo and Ostrich meat: If you can find these cuts at some fine dining place, you will not regret it. As Me would say, amazeballs.

Experiences

- Bodyboarding: People fail to realize just how amazing bodyboarding is. More versatile, economic, dynamic and challenging than stand up surfing, even if it’s looked down upon, you should check out some videos on Vimeo to see what you’re missing.Been bodyboarding for 20 years and looking fwd to the next 20.

- Robert Hunter & TerraValentine Wineries: Simply two of the most breathtakingly beautiful experiences in my life. If you’re at Napa/Sonoma, look both these places up. They’re off the beaten path and that’s a wonderful thing.

- Amoeba Music (Height and Ashburry – San Francisco): The end all experiences of record stores. The store is overwhelming and a throwback to the good old days where you could lose yourself in a record store for hours.

- The Wizarding World of Harry Potter – Go to Orlando, be a muggle, throw caution to the wind. Your inner child will always love you for it. And try butterbeer (frozen is better!)

- Georgia Aquarium (Atlanta): Awe inspiring is the apt term for visiting this massive aquarium. Whale sharks, manta rays, 300 lbs. groupers… it is spellbinding.

Movies and TV Series

- Waking Life: one of the biggest mind trips you’ll ever take in cinema. If you haven’t seen this movie, consider buying because you may want to watch more than once.

- Mushi –Shi: One of the most beautiful animated series I’ve ever seen. It is spooky and beautiful NS timeless.

- Broken Saints: One of the most intense visual experiences I’ve ever had the pleasure to enjoy.

- Big Trouble in Little China: The movie I’ve watched the most in my life. Watch it so you can learn what Jack Burton says.

- The Secret World of Arriety, Nausicaaand the Valley of the Wind, Spirited Away and Ponyo: Studio Ghibli is near and dear to me and these four movies are just a glimpse of what you’re missing.

- Dark City: This 90’s classic holds the test of time and proves that when you nail it, decades can pass and you’re still relevant.

Bands and artists

- Elbow: One of my favorite bands and one that isn’t as popular as it deserves to be. Do yourself a favor, check them out on Spotify, Now.

- Asian Kung Fu Generation: Some of the best rock you’ll ever hear comes from Japan. Don’t believe me? Check out Sol Fa or Funclub.

- Café Tacuva: One of the best Spanish bands you’ll ever listen to and a hell of a live act.

- Gustavo Cerati and Soda Stereo: Cerati passed away recently and left behind one hell of a testament to what good music sounds like in Spanish.

- St Vincent: quirky, odd, harmonious, fun, deep, dark and talented. If you want a woman that shreds on the guitar and produces memorably odd music, lok no further.

- Emiliana Torrini: great artist you should check out to add some estrogen to your discography. Fun, clever, talented. Bring it on.

- VAST: Although their recent work isn’t as solid, this band’s first three albums are well worth a listen.

Videogames

- Xenoblade Chronicles: The single longest game I’ve ever played. 156 hours of glory. Meets up with my other favorite all time RPGs including FFVI and VII, Chrono Trigger, Zelda games, Xenogears and Secret of Mana

- Journey: This game is an experience more than a game. It is deep, heartfelt, touching and invites you to see videogames in a whole new spectrum.

- Zack and Wiki: Quest for Barbaro’streasure: The most clever usage of the Wii Mote ever in a game, Zack and Wiki’s sales sucked, fooling people into thinking this is one of the coolest experiences on any platform.

- Beyond good and evil: such a good game even if it’s short. If you can grab any version of this game, play and enjoy.

- Eternal Darkness – Sanity’s Requiem: one of the best written and scariest games I’ve ever played.

Books

- Delivering Happiness: The President and CEO of Zappos shows you what it’s like to work at a place where you like to work. A supreme ethos of service and kindness shows that when you believe in something, you will make it work.

- Ready Player One: In the future there is a virtual world that is just as important and often more important than the “real” world. Science Fiction and 80’s nostalgia meet up in one of the most refreshing reads I’ve had the pleasure to enjoy.

- Only Human: You would have had me at vampires that don’t sparkle, though beneath that, there are demons and a fantastic world within our own that invites you to question any and everything. An exploration into humanity, this novel could very well surprise you, if you give it a chance.

The more you hurry, the more you lose time

2014-09-11T08:44:00.000-03:00

People think that when they hurry, they’re really progressing when in reality they’re just setting up a traffic jam in the pipeline.

Here’s how it goes, you get a job, it’s instructions are incomplete, you suggest maybe we should wait for clearer instructions, you’re told no, we need to hurry, you do the work, it’s aligned with what was asked… except it needs to be changed because you get new info that changes many things in the layout.

OK.

Do we have the rest of the information?

Not yet, but let’s do this first so we can hurry with this piece.

Shouldn’t we wait to have everything so we can do it.

No. Let’s do this now and do the rest when it gets here.

Ok…

You do the revisions, validate with people, get the Ok of two people that don’t have a final say in things, revisions from a third person. Then more new info comes in… more changes.

Ok…

Who else has to see this artwork?

Not sure.

Shouldn’t we wait so we can make use of better time and focus on projects that are also pending.

No. We need to do this now. We need to hurry.

But we don’t have all the information or all the feedback.

That doesn’t matter. Let’s do this first, so we can get some of the workout of the way so when we have to hurry, we can.

This is the second round of revisions and we don’t even have all the info or all the feedback.

Don’t be difficult.

Ok…

Revisions made, validated with the three people who’d already seen the layout. Two can’t agree on the font, two can’t agree on the color of the background, everyone thinks a different aspect should be tweaked, still the client hasn’t seen the layout and you’ve already worked on this piece for about 20 hours combined between all the people who are working on it. You send it. There’s a third round of revisions because the owner that needed to see the layout finally shows up and is asking why the hell X, Y and Z were done, new dates, new offer information, new mandatories, legals are still pending.

Ok, let’s do the revisions. We need to hurry.

But we still don’t have all the information or all the feedback.

You creative types are all the same.

Sigh......

* * *

Suggestion: Think twice when you think you’re really hurrying.

Heaven is having a party

2014-09-10T21:40:00.000-03:00

First Robin Williams, now Gustavo Cerati, not to mention Harold Ramis in February; it’s been a rough year for nice people . As we are wrapping things here at WAS, we should note that if any of us survive 2014, we’re not that nice. True, Joan Rivers also passed and she was known for being less than kind to many people, still, that was her persona and she actually seems to have been a nice person with a hell of a work ethic.

Cerati was the most recent and juxtaposed with Robin Williams, I think the peculiar linking word between both of them is hope. While Robin unfortunately took the decision into his own hands, Gustavo Cerati had been in a coma for 4 years. 4 long years of waiting, of hoping, of dreaming. Millions of fans praying and wishing.

With Gustavo there was hope because we were allowed to imagine, what if he wakes up? I imagine what his wonderful mother had to go through these four years and how she kept hope firmly grasped. Two weeks ago she said he was responding, holding on to her hands. There was hope. To the last moment, she kept the faith and hoped. Fans dreamed and dared to hope as well. I was one of those who hoped, who actually prayed for his recovery and dreamed of just one song after this long odyssey.

And I don’t regret one second of all that hope. It was not in vain, it showed me just how much an artist can touch people because beyond the moniker “artist” there is a person. A person that dared to pursue a passion and connect.

Gustavo Cerati passing away today reminds me why hope is so important and that if Robin had just had one sliver of the hope we shared for Gustavo, he might still be making us laugh.

Because in the end, regardless of the outcome, hope is never in vain.

Cheers

The single HARDEST skill you need to learn

2014-09-08T23:32:00.001-03:00

Some people think writing, designing, planning, strategy or other things are the single hardest things to learn to do. They’re all wrong. You want to know what the single hardest thing to learn to do is?

Saying no.

When was the last time you tried to say no to a client, an exec, the creative director… or moreover, people in your life? Some people whine with the best of them though in the end they end up doing the things they initially said no to because they’d given a soft “no”, a “maybe”, an “I don’t think so”… but not a firm blunt no.

This is not to say you’ll always say no or say no to everything… that’s childish and although many professionals are prone to this, if you push enough, they’ll do it just to shut you up… me included. You see, I’m still learning to say no… it’s an ongoing process and it’s hard as hell because there’s a very vivid part of me that wants to please, that wants to solve the situation, that wants to fix things… still, I’m learning to say no… and I just did say no to a freelance project. I gave one reason, though there are multiple. Still, I said no, a firm no, thank you and passed.

In times where you can’t afford to pass up work, I did, because on this occasion, I had to for several reasons. It’s not easy. Some people are shitty pay, some work sucks, some people are rude, yet still, you can easily of think of something where you need the money and you’re tempted into being generous, or just plain stupid.

I said no… it doesn’t happen often in my life, though when I do say it… I mean it.

That’s because a no in this situation to whom I said no to, was a yes for me. For peace of mind, for professionalism, for a few days off, for quality time, for health and for the sake of thinking of myself for a change.

Hoop-de-doo for that email you sent at odd hours

2014-08-30T08:56:00.001-03:00

Some people really are wayyyy too efficient at patting themselves on the back. They send emails at 11:00 PM or at 5:30 AM and think that means something; as if they’re more professional, more responsible or just a better employee for doing that…

Let’s stop that little train of thought right there and set some things straight.

Working late or working early does not automatically make you better. Odds are quite high you are either short on time, you’re not well organized or you’re just a workaholic.

Emailing at odd hours is also not a sign of commitment to your job. It’s you executing your functions at odd hours.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Don’t get all poetic and melodramatic, this isn’t a sacrifice. You just sent an email.

That’s another thing, people call sending emails "working". I’m not saying it’s not an important function, but clicking fwd and writing FYI is not exactly rocket science.

However, clear instructions, no back and forth or flip flopping… THAT’S working, THAT’S commendable and that’s also exactly what most people DON’T do especially in those late night or early morning emails.

So kindly, click save draft and save us the drama.

It's the Final Countdown

2014-08-30T08:47:00.001-03:00

Last days of online advertising mayhem
before we say sayonara to this blog.

Cheers

If we have to ask, you didn’t explain correctly

2014-08-25T20:44:00.000-03:00

In a dog-email-dog world such as the one we live in, it becomes increasingly clear that people don’t want to look each other in the face… Ok, I’m game… but could you please explain things neatly, concisely and clearly... just at least once in a while... maybe? Please?

In the jobs we have it’s almost silly to see how shitty we are at communicating. Half the emails we receive require a clarification... last I checked, that’s sucking at communicating. Still, people are in such a rush to get the ball rolling that they don’t take the time to properly explain something before clicking send.

And that’s the thing: we’re always in a constant state of rush... and it isn’t conducive to anything positive... it’s a waste of time and you end up wasting time by not being clear.... I could go on a rant, but seriously... the point is made so let’s move on to the next one.

Cheers

Call me when you want to get to the point

2014-08-22T08:44:00.000-03:00

-->

Some people just LOVE to fucking ramble. In today’s world, keeping attention is a challenge in and of itself. Between our cell phones, our emails, Tweeting about life, taking pictures of food on Instagram, taking a porno peek and life in general, this A.D.D. generation multitasks not because it’s trendy or cool, but because it is nowadays genetically inclined to do so.

So why the hell does one person not understand that if they have one thing to say, taking 25 minutes to say so is poor time management? You can buy bitcoins, gold, stocks and trade but in the end nothing is more valuable than time... and to have someone squander this precious commodity, well that’s unacceptable.

- If you aren’t sure how to explain what you need to talk about, don’t come over.

- If the “it’ll take just 5 minutes” rule will be broken, don’t come over.

- If you want to mix in this topic with three others, don’t come over.

- If you see that I’m busy and that you are not, don’t come over.

It’s not that I’m not willing to engage in conversation, it’s just that people who don’t get to the point get on my nerves for several reasons. This is time I could be spending with my wife or with my mom. It’s time I could be investing in writing. I could catch up with friends, or I dunno, leave at a humane hour... but no... someone has someone they have to say... they’re just not sure how to say it.......... fun times.

The long lost art of selling

2014-08-20T08:44:00.000-03:00

-->

With the advent of Internet shopping being the norm nowadays, going to a store can feel like you’re passing a kidney stone. People are not motivated, they’re jaded, they’re distracted by their cell phones and they’d pretty much just rather not be there... unless they’re from a past generation that knew how to sell and enjoyed it.

I bought my car at a dealership. The man who showed me the car had biblical patience and even when I said I’d go check some other cars, he gave me a smile, wrote down the hours he worked on a business card and told me that regardless of what I decided he wished me the best. John had been kind, well informed, attentive and had been able to gauge me perfectly... he knew how to sell to me and I’m sure he could sell a car to any type of person... this is his craft, and kindness, information and a helpful attitude goes a long way into purchasing something that’s worth several thousand dollars.

I went to another dealership... the dynamic was off to say the least culminating with a manager basically asking if I was serious about purchasing a car because she wasn’t interested in wasting her time crunching numbers if I wasn't interested... Nice and needless to say, didn't buy the car there. .

I ended up at the first place and told the manager that the older man who had been so helpful was the main reason I had returned. The manager had been kind as well, but John was the reason and I wanted him to know that and once I signed my papers, I made sure to look him up and say thank you and that HE made a difference.

At Cakebread Cellars in Napa Valley, my first tour with my wife came courtesy of Bob... Bob is past 60, he’s kind, cool, and knows how to work a crowd, he’s also still been one of the best tour guides I’ve enjoyed... because he likes what he does. I went to a few other tastings and there were a mixed bag, though something was apparent with Bob, the tour from Schramsburg and my tasting at Robert Hunter Winery... you are the most important thing in each of these places and older people were beyond helpful, patient and kind.

Recently I went with my wife to check for a new mattress.... this isn’t a pair of sneakers, this is about a $1,200 investment... and the first place we went to yesterday, an older man, past 60 easily was the one who took the time to show us every damn bed we could fancy. He explained meticulously, he was kind, jotted down emails so we could compare and told us all the benefits of his product, and did so with pride. Afterwards we went to a Sears, where twenty minutes in, we left because no one offered to help... the difference in age was yet again apparent.

Firstly, I’m not saying young people don’t know how to sell, Coben Alexander at Terra Valentine Winery is brilliant and one of the top two experiences in Napa Valley and he’s in his mid 30’s tops. At a place I went to last night for drinks, the median age is 33 and everyone is a professional. But it tends to be that real professionals gravitate towards each other and that the average twenty something or thirty year old working in retail or offering services isn’t really into it... or maybe it’s just a greater degree of jaded pricks that have come into my path. What I do know is that older salesmen have panache, style and the will to make you happy and comfortable enough to commit to thousands of dollars... so every time someone says I’m oldschool, I take that as a huge compliment, because when it all comes down to it, the best salespeople and the best professionals are the ones who genuinely want to help and make a difference.

Here’s to the professionals who keep tried and true values so that it’s worthwhile to visit a store rather than shop like a complete sociopath.

Wrath of the Forwarders

2014-08-18T08:44:00.000-03:00

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One of my life complaints is the presence and existence of people who insist on just clicking fwd to petitions and requests without reading one word of what is being requested. Or OK, let’s be generous, for only reading the first line of a request. Today marks yet another fucking example of me having to give the bad news that what is being requested can’t be done.

When you show the layout and signal what is being requested and why it can’t be done, that’s when the fun starts because you are met with a gorsh face, surprised at what is being asked. Fuckhole, read what you forward because you’ll save us all time and effort and make people work for their pay check rather than try my patience by realizing I can’t do what is being asked.

Some people get paid for clicking fwd to things. No thought, no analysis, no filter, no critical thinking, just a chain letter pusher… and if y’all want us to think otherwise, then man the fuck up.

It just doesn’t fucking fit, is that clear enough?

2014-08-11T08:44:00.000-03:00

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Clients of all likes in life in every single industry swear that every communication needs more information. In an era where people have SHORTER attention spans, read LESS and want things to be more DIRECT, you’d think they would have learned by now.

NOPE.

True to form, clients send revisions that defy the laws of physics, namely to do with mass conversion, volume and capacity.

To illustrate, if your add/letter/editorial holds a definite amount of words and it already looks maxed out, they say eliminate the equivalent of Y and want to add 2 x Y…. so what do you think will happen?

A. It will be glorious, everyone will read it and you have saved the day. Hooray you.

B. You will begin a back and forth “conversation” with the people working on the artwork and they will not bend the laws of physics to your will.

Clients don’t want to understand the limitations of an artwork because we’ve accustomed them to making things work. Ok, so what happens when something doesn’t work? What happens when you can't weasel your way out of an ass chewing because you promised a deliverable that will not and cannot be delivered? The end of the world? Will you lose the account?

Neither… you will have a shitty day for not being frank and clarifying expectations and the never ending war with your creative team will ensue.

So next time a dick petition is being suggested to be rammed up the ass of a communication, instead of suggesting numbing lubricant, consider the less painful alternative of saying no and saying the truth... it doesn’t fit.

There is no Bogeyman

2014-08-07T08:44:00.000-03:00

Oh my there are so many bogeymen in advertising, it’s ridiculous.

“The client asked for this change. The creative director didn’t approve. The CEO just happened to see this, and he thinks we should change this to this.”

I’ve heard just so many bullshit stories that I’m amazed people still believe them. I’ve heard execs lie through their teeth, me call them on their bullshit, them insist they were telling the truth and later have clients AND internal personnel call them on their bullshit, thus losing any credibility they thought they had. You see, when some people want to change something because they want to have a say in your work, they will say just about anything to convince you to make the change. And I mean anything.

I’ve heard that the president from the client’s company was thinking about putting the account on review and that the latest artwork was the straw that broke the camel’s back… I write this and have to laugh at the memory of this person’s conviction in their bullshit story. And like this sorry bastard, I’ve met dozens of professionals who rather than negotiate and enter a dialogue would rather just scare you into doing a change, even if it’s detrimental to a layout, a campaign or a brand… JUST because they’re following their gut.

I’ve tried to follow my gut many times and in these occasions, it is completely asserted in its assessment because let’s face it, bullshit of such magnitude will make even the most tolerant person sick.

The Infinity Douche

2014-08-05T08:44:00.000-03:00

When you work in advertising, one thing can easily happen… you working at various places. In my experience, I actually worked in 6 agencies. Face it, turnaround happens sometimes and because of the nature of the biz, sometimes you need to switch jobs to get a raise, one of the more retarded advertising realities.

Regardless of all of this, something does remain true in advertising and actually any industry:

We all have our Infinity Douche….. a person that is such a piece of shit that you will forever hold a grudge and remember that their existence is actually a stain on humanity. It could be a man, a woman, a creative, an exec, you name it…. When you find that special brand of asshole, they mark you for life.

In my life, I’ve worked with mentally unstable people, egomaniacs and overall just unpleasant beings (they’re supposedly human). But there’s one fuckface that rules them all, one guy I really have no interest in seeing ever again… and I know everyone has their poison, so by all means, hold the name but spill the beans, who’s your Infinity Douche?

Need and want

2014-08-02T10:01:00.001-03:00

Some people have a bit of trouble with the definition of some words, and that’s Ok. It happens.

“We need this today, Joker.”

“This has to be done in 1 hour, because the client needs this.”

“That headline needs revising.”

I have always been a staunch supporter of honesty in the workplace, because sincerely, it just makes good business. Less time is wasted, more productivity occurs and the incessant bullshit we oh so fucking hate is pushed to the side. None of the above mentioned sentences are using the word need correctly, and that is a fucking fact.

Nowadays needing more often than not means someone fucking wants something. Needing something implies that not getting the material delivered that day would give way to a cluster fuck and a series of problems that must be remedied. Tell me when was the last time a comet hit the Earth because a “deliverable” wasn’t delivered on the bullshit deadline given in the first place. If something was really needed, it wouldn’t get revised twenty times and it would get delivered that very same day with very little extra effort on the part of the people who insist that the work was needed.

In 1 hour? Really… this needs to be done in 1 hour? Cut the crap Mr. or Mrs. Chumpstain. You want things done in one hour because you’re on some fucking ego trip and need to sound as important as you make yourself out to be to your mom. It’s a job you’re doing, ok? It’s not cancer and last I checked, even trauma patients have taken longer than an hour to get medical attention and oh, there’s one more thing, this isn’t a traumatic accident and no one’s life is in danger. It’s just a fucking job.

And lastly, the only reason something needs to be revised is if there’s a misspell for a cook position in a hotel and someone replaced an O with a C. If instead you started a debate, maybe we could find a better solution, but no, since Valhalla and Olympus have bowed down to your magnanimousness, so must I.

All this happens because people confuse want with need. We need air, we want an iPad. We need to cancel an ad because the competition’s logo appears by mistake, we want to cancel something so someone can cock fence over the layout an extra day or two. We need rest we want a vacation… scratch that… in that case, need is used perfectly.

So by all means, revise this text, apply it to your life and realize that sometimes, we just need a break.

Drop dead, Diva

2014-06-04T08:00:00.000-03:00

Divas are an advertising reality and a sad one to boot. I know artists, writers and musicians who are proud of their work and are endlessly more humble than some cock sniffing copywriter or dickwad artist that somehow think the ground they tread should be worshipped. The fact remains, I’ve never gotten divas of any sort, though much less so advertising ones.

Feeling proud of a painting, a picture, a song, a story or a sculpture has a hell of a lot more relevance than being petulant over some hand lotion advertisement. The fact is that there are some people that need to look down upon others to feel as if they have some sort of self worth. Again, this is sad, though it happens in various scenarios.

The thing is that in advertising, you’re often selling something through communication or at least you’re trying to do your best. Sure, you want to build a brand identity and engage the audience and gain relevance… still, you’re selling something, which is an argument you can make for most artforms… I get it. Authors sell books. Artists sell paintings. Your work matters, you matter... so you are a corporate artiste then.

Happy?

I hope so, because guess what, that still doesn’t give you the right to look down on anyone, be they from the same department or heaven forbid, one of the minions from other departments who should truly worship the ground you walk on. That’s the thing, divas have this need to be worshipped, to have their ass kissed and hunger continuous praise.

That’s cute… and also a little sad. Ok a lot sad. Because it means you don’t believe in your work and need others to validate your self-worth. It means that deep down, you know that even if you’re talented, part of you is still a hack because you get paid twice a month and have a dayjob. Sure, you get to wear t-shirts, flip-flops, don’t shave and smell like what the Big Lebowsky looks like he smells, but still, you’re a lamb… you’re a corporate peon… and it scares you shitless that you’ll look back and only have a portfolio as your testament in life.

So keep up the act, because some people may be fooled, others might buy in and kiss your ass, but in the end it won’t matter, because you know you’re just like the rest of us.

Sweet dreams.

Oh my God, we’re SO connected

2014-06-02T21:02:00.006-03:00

It’s amazing, really… every time I write an agency asking about the money I’m owed, they were just thinking about me, they just asked about the status of my petition and they were drawing me with water colors and happy little trees. Truly, the level of connectedness with an agency I undercharged for work I did in record time is amazing.

Three months I’ve been connected with someone who contracted me where every-single-time I write, they were spooked by how connected we are. It's uncanny.

It’s not that I don’t matter since they received what they needed and the other part of the equation is collateral. It’s just that the fates have not aligned so I can receive pay for the service I offered in 9 days because I’m sure anyone could have translated a 115 page manual in that time. They just saw the connection we had and allowed me the honor to translate it.

That companies take some time to pay is understandable. That an agency working on an account you know finished their fiscal year two months ago takes over three months to pay for something they needed rush is not a lack of professionalism, it’s just something that happened… because of the fates.

The interesting thing is that I’ve actually worked for this client before... not the agency... the client. I know the people who work the account. So maybe an email to them will show just how connected we all are.

May the fates smile kindly to all those who pay on time and dispense with the drama and bullshit that truly shows why advertising sucks.

There’s some shit on the corner of your smug smile

2014-05-10T10:56:00.002-03:00

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Some people just need to always be right. They live for the thrill of the moment when they are able to tell you, uh, uh uh… this should be written/done/handled this way. It’s cute really that some people are THAT much concerned with looking at what everyone else does rather than focus on what they do.

Hey, don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t appreciate the helping hand if I typoed myself. It’s just that you don’t have to be a dick about it.

In every single place I’ve worked at, I’ve seen people like this and they continue to survive because they point out other people’s flaws. In part to help, godbless them, and in part to look away from their own plate and their own work because it’s always a little harder and a little more unpleasant to point out your very own brand of fuck up.

So why am I writing this? Because I suspect that if anyone still reads this blog, they’ve felt the frustration of having to breathe deep and thank some jackoff who noticed a mistake you’d done. I just had my dose of this and this person has done this often… and I’m just itching for that next time they fuck up, because maybe, just maybe, I’ll say, you know what you would say right now? And tell them what they’d say, only to finish with. But since I’m me, and I’m not such a shallow superficial diaper stain, I’ll just send the work with the correction and be happy for a job well done without treating you like a dog, since you obviously don’t need any more shit on your face. Tootles.

For now though, zen moment, breathe and remember, this shit job does not define me… or you. So smile and enjoy the week.

Boxes and molds

2014-04-18T16:44:00.000-03:00

Can someone please explain the obsession of breaking the mold and thinking outside the box? I hear it from all fucking sides. Everyone in stereo clamoring for the revolutionary ideas that will yield results and save the account.

Well here’s something you don’t hear every day:

There’s nothing wrong with the mold or thinking within the box.

Before you decide to become all righteous with your moustache an d shower me with patchouli droppings, hear me out. I’m NOT saying don’t question the quo and don’t push boundaries. Not at all, when you have the chance to do this, the client with the budget and the balls then fucking go for it. In the meantime, accept that many clients are not willing to risk something without a guaranteed ROI (Return of Investment).

Also, before you come bitching that you don’t get to do anything fun, accept one thing… the box and the mold offer more space than you care to admit. But it’s the act of NOT being a Maverick or a rebel that fucking kills you.

Drop your ego, dispense with the drama and show just how much you can do within the confines of established normalcy. Show results, get the numbers, show them who’s the fucking expert and all the time tell them that with a little more risk, they could get double the rewards. If they don’t bite, it’s Ok, it’s not the end of the world, it’s just a job… and that’s the other reminder: this is just a job.

Redo Resend Repeat

2014-04-16T08:00:00.000-03:00

Fuck reduce, reuse and recyle… this is the bread and butter of the advertising industry and what clients pay for. They think they’re paying for creativity or strategy? Fuck no, they’re paying for rehashed ideas that have been revised ad nauseum. They’re getting refried beans. They’re getting last year’s leftovers with a zesty new twist of bullshit lime.

I have lost count how many times in advertising and beyond I’ve had to redo something because someone didn’t know how to explain something. And this is coming from someone who picks up the phone and walks to someone’s desk to ask and clarify. Yet I can’t help but feel as if we’re the Modern Times of office work.

Modern Times is a brilliant movie by Charles Chaplin talking about the effects of repetitive industrial operations that become embedded in Charlie beyond the point of his control and it begs the question, have we been doing things wrong so long, it requires a complete overhaul and relearning how to do things?

The simple answer: FUCK YES.

There is NO reason why you have to do something more than once with the exception of needing to meet the expectations of more than one person who in turn have visions that do not coincide. If you clarify, shit should get done in an average work day in time for you to go to your home, eat your Lean Cuisine and revel in the satisfaction of watching TV on your DVR and fastforwarding through what is essentially what you use to pay cable with, advertising work.

But instead of bitching about it and venting and ranting, here’s a call to arms. Fucking question the method. Question the process. Question the revisions. Question everything. Question every single goddamn opinion because that’s what it is, it’s an opinion and opinions often mean empty work that costs money rather than produce results.

So here’s to questioning and giving your traffic personnel and execs the ulcers they wish unto you, because guess what, after we get past this unpleasant bit of revision of processes, EVERYONE will be happy.

Cheers

Shit concerto in F Minor

2014-04-14T08:44:00.000-03:00

I remember when I lost my work poop cherry… that time when my sphincter and my colon looked at me with somber eyes and said, we can’t hold it in Cap’n, we gotta push it out. It was not a pleasant experience for many reasons, though that’s another post for another day because obviously this will not be the only shit post to be had in the following months.

No, this is not about the first time my ass cheeks were touched by foreign plastic. This is about bathrooms with more than one stall and why I can’t deal with it. It’s one thing to have to shit at work. It’s another thing altogether to have to shit with company.

When my colonic zen moment has been interrupted by another fecal flinger, I’ve known to suck it up (literally) and hold it in for later. I suspect I’m not the only one to have this happen because let’s face it, shit shyness happens.

Some people could give half a fuck whether they have to shit in front of their moms. Logs must be released from the bowel beaver dam. The interesting part is when people shit with reckless abandon in tandem. It’s almost as if it’s a duel of the shits. It’s an epic battle of who can splatter and splash worse than the other and who can generate the more powerful biofuel to chemically assault their crapper counterpart.

It’s fucking epic. It’s like two thunder gods throwing caution to the wind and woe to anyone who isn’t wise enough to hold their piss for another time. I’ve had to pee under these conditions and it was a true test of how much I could multitask while holding my breath and controlling audible reactions.

I can’t do that shit, literally. My shit is a loner shit, it is a shy shit, it is a tender shit that wants to share an intimate moment with me while I scroll down my Twitter feed. Still, props to those people who can do it because it takes a special kind of fucker to shit louder than the person next to them, and an even more peculiar brand of asshole to write about it.

Cheers

Why Advertising Sucks

Here's looking at you, WAS.

It still sucks: A goodbye letter from RestrictionsApply

Top 10 things I’ve learned from advertising

To be continued…

Why advertising doesn’t suck

Joker’s picks

The more you hurry, the more you lose time

Heaven is having a party

The single HARDEST skill you need to learn

Hoop-de-doo for that email you sent at odd hours

It's the Final Countdown

If we have to ask, you didn’t explain correctly

Call me when you want to get to the point

The long lost art of selling

﻿﻿﻿Wrath of the Forwarders

It just doesn’t fucking fit, is that clear enough?

There is no Bogeyman

The Infinity Douche

Need and want

Drop dead, Diva

Oh my God, we’re SO connected

There’s some shit on the corner of your smug smile

Boxes and molds

Redo Resend Repeat

Shit concerto in F Minor

Wrath of the Forwarders