mom's musings

Prayers of the Broken Hearted

2012-01-12T07:54:00.000-08:00

Grace Covered Resolutions

2012-01-01T05:10:00.000-08:00

Today begins a New Year. A brand new notebook full of 366 pages is mine for the writing. Clean slates, fresh starts, new beginnings all make me happy and hopeful.
While I'm not one for making a list of resolutions, as I know I'll be my own worst critic when I fail at succeeding at recorded goals, I do have some things I want to see happen in my life in 2012. And so, I pray for the following to happen, all wrapped in God's grace and strength:

1) To be more thoughtful about what I place in my:

heart
mind
and
body

2) To be more intentional and lovingly creative about what I place into others:

heart
mind
and
bodies (that's lots of food for three teens, two elementary aged kids, and the occasional visits from my college age son)

3) To surrender daily and offer up as a thank you to my God:

My
heart,
mind,
and body

Youngest to Oldest

2011-12-20T05:46:00.001-08:00

I love them all. This is my favorite picture of our early celebration when our oldest came home for an early Christmas last week. I love how my boys love each other.

This Christmas

2011-12-04T12:17:00.000-08:00

This Christmas is shaping up to be a different one than experienced before for our family. For the first time in many years, we were not able to get together with our extended family for our traditional Christmas on Thanksgiving Day in Minnesota. Parents moved, mom had surgery, and the miles between all of us grew longer. Our second option that we enjoyed in years past to celebrate in January is not going to take place for a variety of reasons as well. Yes, I can make green bean casserole, but it's just not like Mom's. And yet Christmas goes on.

For the first time ever, our oldest son will not be home for Christmas. He will be working at his job which involves caring for those who need to be cared for. I'm so blessed to see the young man he has become and how he has his priorities in order. Yet, it will be odd for this momma hen to not place his stocking out Christmas morning. I'm thankful that he will be coming home the week prior (weather permitting) and that I'll be able to spend a few days with my firstborn.

This Christmas we will be having Christmas Eve service and Christmas Day service as Jesus' Birthday celebration lands on a Sunday. Our regular musicians will be gone so I will be playing for both events. Something I enjoy, but yet I know it will be hard to do thinking of my parents and siblings far away, and not hearing Josiah's djembe or guitar along with my piano.

Different also is the probability that we will be a family to some children who need a place to call home for a temporary time. As different as a Christmas it will be for us, it will much more be so for them. I pray that through the sadness, anger, and confusion they may feel, that we will be able to meet their needs by God's grace.

This Christmas, the one thing that isn't different, and never will be, is the reason for this life changing day's celebrations. What is that? The coming of Jesus, in the form of a babe, come to earth to show us His love THIS Christmas and for all time. "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,[a] 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant,[b] being born in the likeness of men. 8And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, 10so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
From Phil. 2

Congrats, Michelle! There - I said it!

2011-11-08T16:06:00.000-08:00

Today the Duggar family announced the upcoming arrival of their 20th child.
As a result, there have been blog posts, FB statuses, news wires all abuzz with the world's opinions. Most of which are negative, mocking, and sometimes cruel in their tone.
While I don't personally hold the same convictions as the Duggars in terms of birth control, I do appreciate that they see life as a gift from God. Some who proudly wear the label pro-life are befuddled at the Duggars CHOICE to in THEIR belief, accept the children God is allowing them to have in their family.
When is the last time blog posts, FB statuses, and news wires have been abuzz about the children dying in the world from starvation, neglect, abuse?
And yet, we all have time to decry the Duggars for being a too huge family who rely heavily on a teamwork approach to the running of their family. I think part of the problem is that we've not spent enough time talking to our parents, grand-parents, and great grand-parents to see that the Duggar life isn't some new fangled parenting style. Families have been working together since Creation to till the soil and work the land. Since when did that become a bad thing?
Feel bad for the Duggar children? Not for a minute. They have a family who loves them, many opportunities for what we call fun, and most importantly they've been introduced to a God who loves them more than the world hates them.

How About You?

2011-11-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

What would happen if I would stop asking what I want,
You would stop asking what you want,
And instead, together,
We would ask what God wants,
In our
lives, churches, communities, and world?
I want to know.
How about you?

Always An Angel

2011-10-28T06:55:00.000-07:00

Growing up in a pastor's family, my siblings and I knew one thing for certain about Christmas celebrations. It wasn't what or how many gifts we would receive. Nor was it what we would have for dinner - that was often dictated by if we were given a turkey, roast, or packet of venison from churches we served. It wasn't even if we'd get a new Christmas outfit (sometimes new socks were a cause for rejoicing). The certainty was that we WOULD be part of the Christmas pageant. While my brother had a rotating acting schedule of Joseph, shepherd, and wise(cracker)man, I knew that my role was set in stone. I was an angel. Always.

I blame it on my blond (once-upon-a-time) hair. It was brilliant blond. And of course we all know that biblical angels had shimmering blond hair and wore white sheets with wire hanger wings, right? Oh, and of course halos made of garland adorned their heads. I must admit, that years later, I still harbor a bit of resentment due to the fact that as much as I used my verbal skills to plead my case to be Mary, I was not heard. Why couldn't I be Mary? Because, I was told, by many a SS superintendent, I didn't have brown hair. (I also suspect that it was because I wasn't quite docile enough to be Mary material). So it was, that year after year, I watched my sweet spirited, brunette haired friends, don their pale blue garments and gently rock their doll babies to the background sounds of Silent Night. I hope no one noticed the scowling angel who forgot her radiant smile.

The days of pageant acting are done for me, but I'm still learning the lesson of being content and yes, joyful, at who God has called me to be. Too many times I look at the Marys in my life and silently think of how wonderful it must be to have their roles. I'm afraid I've missed much of the joy I could have/should have known coveting a position that was not mine, instead of enjoying spreading my wings and glorifying the One the true angels adore.

Not a please re-post

2011-10-03T06:08:00.000-07:00

Many of you are in the world of Facebook. Once in awhile a post will pop up that asks, "Please repost, if even for an hour." This is not written in that spirit. It is written in hopes of shedding light on a life challenge that many families deal with that last way longer than an hour, a month, or even a year. Indeed for many, this challenge will last a lifetime.

I'm a Mom of six children, three of whom have special needs in varying degrees of "special." Those of you who know me - REALLY know me - in the "real world" know some of the challenges my children face, and therefore what our family faces, on a moment to moment basis. I am not complaining, whining, re-thinking, or wishing away our situation. What I am hoping in my very imperfect way, is to shed light on an issue that is so much bigger than our family. It's an issue that touches more people than you can imagine. Some of you reading this know first hand what it means to live daily with special needs. Some of you may know someone who lives with these circumstances and want to be supportive/understanding, and then there are some of you reading this who think - "Special needs? If I can't see a physical deformity, obvious signs of mental challenges, etc., then I think this special needs stuff is a bunch of psycho-babble." If you're in the last camp mentioned, I plead, beg, implore you - even if you can't see it/understand it/believe it - then realize that just because you don't believe something, doesn't mean it's not real. As a Mom who has heard that type of talk (even in front of my SN children) I cannot tell you how it cuts, defeats, and wounds.

Whether or not you can see/hear/believe a child's diagnosis of special needs, it's realness does not depend on your opinion. Most people (I know I sure didn't) don't have any idea what it is like to meet the MANY needs one child has,let alone three children, who have been diagnosed with emotional/behavior/mental health issues. By the time you see the family with those "misbehaving imps" in the grocery store, park, church, school, or family party, know that their parents have more often than not dealt with a full morning of feeding/clothing/behavior/medicine issues and more, that leaves them feeling like they've lived a 24 hour period of time in just one hour.

What can you do to help/encourage/understand a family that lives with special needs? Give hugs/smiles/acceptance for us as parents and the same for our children (but ask about hugs first - for some of our kids that's an issue)/GRACE - and lots of it. Most of us don't want pity. We don't want or need people to tell us how courageous we are and how they don't know how we do it. Because we know the ONLY way we do it (for those of us who are Christians) is by God's grace. Families with SN children need environments where they be accepted even if not understood, loved even if they're not likable, and valued not for what they can do - but just for who they are.

If I wouldn't have been give the blessed challenge of mothering children with special needs, I could have very well been the one reading these words thinking - "Ya right. Whatever." But, God in His wisdom and grace has allowed this slower learner to see from the inside what I couldn't see from the outside. I wouldn't trade my life for anything (although they are a few moments I'd enjoy being fed bon-bons while getting my toenails painted). I believe that God allowed me to be a Mom to some children with special needs so that I could grow and learn along the way, advocate for my children, and for others. And that my friends, is the spirit in which these feeble words are written.

Six years ago today . . .

2011-07-27T06:25:00.000-07:00

we signed paperwork to make a beautiful little Korean girl our daughter forever. When I look back at that day that changed our family history forever, I thank God for putting people in our lives that walked that journey with us. People prayed, gave, listened, and supported us in a variety of ways as we prepared for Esther's homecoming, and for the days following her arrival as we solidified our family unit. Thinking about adoption? Don't just think. Pray!

Untitled

2011-07-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

Recently I received news that confirmed that the next chapter in my life did not have the continuing storyline that I had anticipated. There had been hints that the theme I thought to be chosen and certain, was perhaps not going to make the final script. Sad? Disappointed? Somewhat relieved? Me? Yes. But also peaceful. Peaceful in knowing I did what I needed to do to be open to what the Author would have my part in His story do and be. And now I have the desire to see what's next. The next chapter might mean a foster child being placed in our home (we're finally after a year's process being licensed). It may mean having a new person in my life who needs a listening ear, word of encouragement, or a cup of tea. I'm also open to the thought that maybe there wasn't meant to be simply a new chapter to the story line I had followed in the past, but perhaps a brand new groundbreaking sequel beyond my imagination. I know the One who records my days knows. And for me, that is enough.

For Those Who Homeschool

2011-07-14T16:25:00.001-07:00

Here's a great offer!!

http://www.theoldschoolhousestore.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=20110&p=1164364

What Are You Worth?

2011-07-13T15:56:00.000-07:00

It's a question I ask myself repeatedly, even though I know the answer. You see, it's one thing to know the answer, and it's another to KNOW the answer.

I grew up in a home where I was told how much I was loved. I was raised in a church family where the love God had for me was shared again and again. I went to a two year Bible college where I studied, heard, and proclaimed the promises of God's love for each of us, including me.

And then, a doubt was placed in my heart. An arrow so strong and potent that it left me emotionally wounded and spiritually spent for quite some time. A letter was sent to me letting me know that a relationship I treasured, valued, and invested in with my whole being was being severed. Not because the person didn't love and cherish me still, but because a family member deemed me unworthy to be a part of my friend's life. Twenty-some years later, I read the letter again. It surprised me that the wound I thought long healed sprung open, my tears unstoppable, the pain in my heart and soul fiercely recognizable. I cried in my husband's arms as I re-lived some of the emotions I had long thought dead.

The broken friendship was eventually restored, but not nearly to the depth it had once known. Forgiveness was given and received, but yet the scar remained. There is no bitterness, no regret for the friendship once held so dear, only remorse for believing the lie of my unworthiness for so many years.

I realize now that the wound was not made by the one who pressured my friend to break off our relationship because of my "unworthiness" but by the one who seeks to discourage, defeat, and devour those who follow Christ. I'm sad as I look back to see how I did not as a young woman realize that fact, but instead got wrapped up into believing that I was worthless, unlovely, and not quite a "good enough" Christian. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that I was, am, and always will be God's child. One HE created, one HE loves, one HE sees as precious.

If you are reading this today and are discouraged because you've bought into the idea that your worth is determined by a person's opinion of you - please stop. Stop and know that you were created by the One who knows you inside out, loves you right where you are and how you are, and deemed you worthy enough to send His Son for you. He came to give you and me life, and life abundantly. All because He thinks we're worth it.

2011-06-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

Highlights from our recent attempt at a vacation (which ended 4+ days early). Some are humorous, some not so much. You decide.

1) Discovering I was walking around in my one new pair of capri's for the summer, with a large red sticker that proclaimed "Comfort Waist Band." No, my husband did not notice 'til after i did.

2) Sinus infection #7 hit me out of nowhere and caused me to miss part of the clergy banquet and the full day Friday of conference.

3) Rain, rain, and more rain in SD that canceled our camping plans in the Sioux Falls area.

4) Wonderful stay at my sister's home watching my nephew and youngest son enjoy playing trains, trucks, and tractors together. Praying for my farmer brother-in-law as the continued rain and flooding put an end to his planting plans in the fields.

5) Seeing our son Josiah, not once but twice, in the same day.

6) Hearing and then seeing one of our plastic bins fall and crash from the top of our car. My cast iron skillet survived, my enamel camp dishes - many chipped beyond use. Yes, we looked like the Beverly Hillbillies minus the rocking chair.

7) Driving around Brainerd for several hours before deciding setting up tents on layers of muddy goop/mosquito breeding ground was not going to be worth our while or sanity. Plans for Paul Bunyan Land scrapped. Maybe next year, Blue.

8) Staying in St. Cloud, courtesy of my parents, and going out to a non-fast-food restaurant. Heavenly.

9) Arriving in Bayfield, Wisconsin and taking the ferry to Madeline Island - beautiful! Esther and Micah took turns steering the boat and enjoyed singing "We're the pirates who don't do anything!" for the ferry's captain. Made his day, and ours.

10) Getting the last available camping site on Madeline Island and finding out why it was the last spot. Mud, mud, and more mud, and of course a plague of mosquitoes.

11) Next day, people left, and we changed sites to dry level ground near they showers/bathrooms.

12) Esther and I saw a BEAR! Walked across the road about 100 feet from of us. Stopped and looked at us and then meandered away. Scary thrill! We also saw lots, and lot of deer.

13) Making coffee over the campfire. That made it all worth it for me.

14) Home. There truly is no place like home.

Getting Away

2011-06-08T07:52:00.000-07:00

My dining room looks like a laundry room and camping store exploded within it's walls. Usually, this would make me as nervous as my dog in a lightning storm, but it actually makes me one happy momma. Why? Because it means that our preparations for our upcoming vacation are well under way.

Sunday we leave for our church denomination's week long annual conference. While this is a very enjoyable time for us, it is still part of our "work" as we participate in discussions and hear updates on the various ministries within our church at large.

The day after conference officially begins our vacation. While our plans have never included a cruise, resort, or five star hotel, we still feel like we are getting away grandly while we stay in our tents and cook over the Coleman stove. Long, long, long ago, I used to feel guilty at taking two weeks to devote to JUST family. That guilt I quickly found to be false guilt and threw it away and began to accept the blessing of spending uninterrupted time with my husband and children.

One of our children has already flown the nest, and this year finds us taking our first camping adventure without him. Our missing him serves as a reminder of how important it is to take the time with the other children still at home to create memories and devote our attention to them 100%. His leaving also reinforces our conscience decision to take vacation even though for us it doesn't involve cruises or resorts.

Another deciding factor for us in getting away, is that it makes us better servants when we come back home. Even though we return with loads of dirty laundry, gallons of sand in the car, and the inevitable buckets of rocks and pine cones, we arrive refreshed and ready to be used as God would use us.

Time is short, children grow and go, and what is left is memories. What better reason for getting away?

Confession

2011-06-02T06:38:00.000-07:00

Some times teaching chemistry molarity tests my morality.
Two more days. I can make it. Two more days.

Then come September, we're on to Physics. If Physics tests my physicality, I should be in great shape by the end of the next school year. September. I can breathe. For a few months.

What Does Your Heart Look Like?

2011-05-23T17:35:00.000-07:00

Here's what mine looks like way too often. My six year old self didn't even attempt to hide the anger I was obviously feeling the moment my Dad took this picture. Even though I don't often walk around shaking my finger at people, I must admit that the attitude of my heart often does. Lord, help my face to be a true reflection of my innermost being, and may that be pleasing to You.

A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back. - Proverbs 29:11

That's My Boy!

2011-05-17T15:42:00.000-07:00

Sharing a clip of the team my son Josiah is serving on this summer:

http://vimeo.com/23878932

So excited for them as they serve God this summer by serving others!

2011-05-07T07:24:00.000-07:00

This Mother's Day I am thankful for:

1) My beautiful mom (the lady holding little me in the picture) who provided me with a stable home despite having many addresses, a sense of making the best of whatever we had, whether it be clothes, food, friends, or houses, and an example of living out her faith through good times and bad. She worked full time as a nurse nearly all of my childhood years, but was still there to provide love, nurture, and food to three active children and a busy pastor husband. She was the calm in my often stormy teen-age years. She remains my biggest encourager and most faithful friend.

2) That the pain of losing six little ones before their births has allowed me to comfort others who have walked the road of infertility and miscarriages. While the hurt of those too soon good-byes never leaves, I can look forward to holding them in heaven one day.

3) The six children I am blessed to call my own. No need to ask "Which ones are REALLY yours?" They are ALL equally mine. Whether through birth or through adoption, they are my sons and daughters.

4) The husband who is the father to ALL of my children. His fathering makes me a better momma. No doubt about that either.

5) For my friends, some of whom are not mothers, help me to be a better mom by their words, support, and prayers. My heart is with those of you for whom today is often a cruel reminder of unrealized hopes and dreams. Know that you are noticed, and your pain is not unseen.

6) And every Mother's Day, and 364 days in between, I am thankful for three women who despite the option to choose otherwise, chose life for their little ones knowing that their time to hold them before releasing them to the unknowns of life was to be all too brief. When I look at my children, I see the gift I've been given to be called Mamae, Omma, Mommy. My joy is another woman's sorrow. And that's the truth I live with this and every Mother's Day.

2011-05-03T06:36:00.001-07:00

Earlier this morning I posted a supposed quote from the late Dr. Martin Luther King Junior. I'm sad to say that although the words describe my sentiment, they are not his.
So I'll just say it in my own simple way. I believe justice was served to the one who helped end the lives of so many through his twisted teachings. And yet at the same time, my heart cannot rejoice and party in celebration of the death of any human being.

Perspective

2011-04-28T05:54:00.000-07:00

My youngest children enjoy getting their hands on our camera and snapping pictures from their viewpoint. My husband recently uploaded photos and it was evident that Master Micah had been expressing himself through photographic creativity once again. I'm sharing just a few of the m-a-n-y snapshots he took of life from his angle. It was humorous, but also a good reminder that he sees life much differently than I do in many ways. Of course he is several feet shorter than I am, so that changes the landscape quite a bit already. But then there's the more important difference also, that of perspective as to what is worthy to capture in pixels. Micah loves the following: the show (I believe it's Australian) called Fireman Sam, his dog Cooper, colored band-aids for his ever bleeding fingers, Lego's, and LIFE. If I were behind the lens snapping scenes from my everyday life I'd be most likely framing shots of dishes, piles of laundry, unpaid bills, dust bunnies, etc. Micah's perspective - life is to be enjoyed, lived to the fullest, complete with laughs, tickles, and "cuddle time, please Mommy!". A good perspective. One I need to share more often.

He Is Risen!

2011-04-24T04:34:00.001-07:00

The link I'm sharing is a glimpse of the late Keith Green's passion for Christ and concern for people to know Him. It is from the early 80's when Keith was in his mid twenties. A few years later he and two of his small children were killed in an airplane crash. Although his musical career and his faith in Christ were only known by others for a short time, his influence remains strong to day as one who points others to the cross. I hope this song and Keith's spoken words bless you on this Resurrection Day.
Happy Easter!
P.S. I can't get the link to work properly, so cut and paste it. It will be WORTH your time! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3kc1jDahU4&feature=player_embedded

What if . . .

2011-04-18T15:36:00.000-07:00

we could have a ministry that I think would perfectly fit our family's strengths and gifts? What would it look like? Well, before I tell you, let me state that we are happy serving our dear church family and seeing our family grow and learn here in the UP. What I'm sharing is a dream, and one that I do not know will be realized, but it's dear to my heart still the same.

We would have a big house in Minneapolis with not just plenty of bedrooms for our big family, but several rooms with private baths for guests who want/need a place to stay. Our kitchen would have plenty of cabinet space to hold ingredients to feed and fill those who would come and gather around our Walton sized table. The smells created in our kitchen would come from a delicious array of ethnic recipes as well as good old American pie and Folgers coffee. Our living room would have plenty of big, cushy, comfy seating where family and guests could put their feet up and share their hearts with others. Our backyard would be fenced in, not to keep others out, but to provide a safe haven for those who've lost their sense of security. A fire pit, gliding chairs, and an obnoxiously big wooden playground set for little guests to burn off energy would also be found.

Who would be our guests? Missionaries on furlough who need a place to relax, regroup and receive prayer. College students from here and abroad who not only need a home away from home at Christmas and Easter, but a home away from the dorms where they feel cared for, loved, and noticed. Pastors and their families who've been wounded in ministry and don't need another gavel of judgment to be sounded, but the hush of grace to be heard in their hearts and souls. Families who are labeled as broken, who want to hear, see, and be with an imperfect family who serve a Perfect God, and know that there is hope. Seminarians and their families who are seeking how and where to serve God best with what He has given them would also be welcomed at the Big House.

Sometimes dreams come true. If this one is supposed to be one of those, I know it will. And the hope for my big house is that it would be a reflection of the Big House that awaits this sinner saved by grace.

No Shame

2011-04-15T06:18:00.000-07:00

My sixteen year old son recently purchased a camera he had been saving his scheckels for, for a long, long time. As a result, we all are beginning to feel we live on a pared down version of a reality show. Mundane things such as washing dishes, reading a book, breathing, all are captured through the lens of my photographer in the making.

Recently, Mr.Paparazzi sneaked into my room while I was resting and visiting with my sister on the phone. As you can see, it wasn't one of my better days. Low vitamin levels are etched all over my face and are felt in my bones. Besides a fistful of pills every morning to get my body and mind back up and running, I'm intentionally seeking humor in my daily routine. Living at our house provides many doses of said medicine, but a sure bet, quick shot, of deep, bone healing laughter is easily provided by my sister.

Even though this shot shows all my imperfections from misshaped nostrils to coffee stained teeth and jowelly chin (I'm blaming the last on my enlarged thyroid), it shows me receiving and celebrating the gift of laughter as only my sister can do. Endorphins released, without any shame whatsoever. Snap away Sam. This is a gift I want you to remember - laughter is a gift that covers a multitude of imperfections this life holds.

2011-04-14T05:48:00.000-07:00

My Dad recently found a treasure. As he was organizing boxes he came across slides of our early years as a family that we thought were long lost. He sent them to a place that transfers those tiny squares of memories onto a CD. We're now reliving time spent with several loved ones who are no longer with us.

One of those very special people is my mother's only sister, Ona. I met her, long ago. She was my godmother at my baptism. A short while after that special day, she was killed in a car accident on her honeymoon. Her husband and she were on their way from Rock Island, Illinois to our home in Kalispell, Montana. They did not make it far. Near Charles City, Iowa, my uncle fell asleep at the wheel. Ona didn't make it. He did, but suffers I'm sure to this day, with the memory of that awful day.

I grieve not only for myself, my sister, my brother, and all of our children who never had the privilege of getting to know the lady everyone describes as beautiful inside and out. I grieve for my grandmother, still living, who misses her daughter every single day. Eternity holds a long awaited reunion for those two.

I grieve even more so for my mom. She lost a brother at birth, and Ona was her only living sibling. Childhood on the farm was made sweeter sharing often trying times with a sister. They were just beginning their new chapters as wives, establishing their careers, looking forward to having children who would grow up as cousins together. Then those beginnings drastically came to a sudden end with Ona's death. I know my mom not only missed her as a young woman, but perhaps even more so, today. The day trips they would have taken together, the sharing of stories of grand-children, planning shared holidays, the responsibility of caring for an aging parent. All meant to be shared with a sister.

One day we'll meet again. And that day there will be no more tears, just the treasure of being together.

For my fellow moms of high energy children

2011-04-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

You are not alone. Sometimes you just need to hear it. And sometimes you just need to see it.