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Starbucks - Stop With the Via Madness

2009-10-25T10:42:00.000-07:00

I'm a big Starbucks fan. I've owned their stock for 15 years, so I frequent their stores in support of my own retirement plan. I've been impressed with their service ethic. Regardless of the store, I feel as if I'm at my home store (which they closed, but that will be the subject of a future rant). Their stores are one of my sanctuaries in a world of chaos.

Until Via came along...

Via is the Starbucks instant coffee creation. I was first exposed at a store in New Haven, CT, where they were passing out packets as samples. Innocent enough - seemed like a nice addition to the product portfolio. I'm a Hazelnut Coffee or Vanilla Latte guy, so I doubted that I would be buying any Via.

Over the next few weeks, I became bombarded with Via. Every morning, my ritual coffee order was held hostage until I consumed the daily Via concoction. At first, it was just brewed Via. Then, the horror began. Some marketing genius created some form of challenge to see how many different ways Via could be used. There is literally a recipe for a meat marinade, using Via, posted in my home store. I've had it pushed to me in the drive through - what do I do with it if I don't care for the taste. The little shot cup is too small to fit in my drink holder - do I poor it on the floor? Out the window?

Someone thought it was a good idea to hold a taste test during the morning rush. I'm lucky if I can spell my name before 10am. Morning rush at Starbucks serves only one purpose - get caffeine in people quickly. 6am is not the time to socialize, or to sample the latest marketing creation.

But it didn't stop...

Week after week, new uses for Via. As I ordered my Hazelnut Coffee, the store manager asked me if I've tried Via with hazelnut. Let's think about that question for a moment. Via is designed as an on-the-go, didn't have time to stop at Starbucks for coffee -throw it in your briefcase or purse. Did I miss the sister offering of dehydrated hazelnut? How in the hell would I try an instant coffee with hazelnut syrup? Hazelnut syrup is not a common item in my briefcase, my house, my office, the airplane...in any of the places that Starbucks recommends Via use. About the only place I know to get hazelnut syrup for coffee is at Starbucks. So, why would I drink Via at Starbucks if I could get actual brewed coffee at Starbucks?

I guessed that the Via attacks were part of a carefully orchestrated marketing warfare plan. My fears were confirmed when one of the store associates told me they would get into big trouble if they were found not to be pushing Via or Via + _____ (insert edible product here). I told the associate that I was doing work at a Starbucks the previous week, and every 20 minutes an associate came through the store with a tray of Via potions for everyone to try. Even though I had my headphones on, and was working on my laptop, the Via brewer would stop at my table and demand to be recognized. The associate cringed and indicated that the particular store was going a little overboard, and they would never do that in their store. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it was her store, and the perpetrator was standing five feet to her left.

Please Starbucks, please, stop with the Via push. Your demographic is unlikely to be regular customers. After all, if we're regular customers, we are coming to the store for coffee - do you want us to stay home and drink Via instead? Additionally, I'll guess that the larger portion of your in-store customers are not brewed coffee drinkers. They likely come for the espresso drinks, so why would they be interested in instant coffee?

The biggest fault I have with Via is that you still have to find hot water (or hot something) to enjoy the product. Yeah, I know you can put into cold stuff (I'm reminded of the fact whenever a new concoction is pushed at me), but I can't wrap my head around cold coffee. So, for me, hot water availability is a show stopper.

Now, if you could develop dehydrated hot water - then you'd have something.

Stop the Via madness. Please.

10 Things VISA Won't Tell You

2007-12-28T21:18:00.000-08:00

10. You're credit limit is designed to make you feel good - we'll stop you from spending before you're anywhere near it

9. Our fraud protection service protects VISA's liability - it does nothing for your security

8. Our Verified by VISA program is just for show

7. We'll confirm a questionable transaction with you, but we still won't process it even if you made it

6. Our customer service reps and our fraud protection agents never talk with each other

5. If they did, they couldn't, as they don't have outgoing phones or e-mail

4. Our automated customer service system will routinely drop your call

3. We'll charge you for being late, but don't expect compensation for our mistakes

2. Customer service is not a priority for us

1. It's always the customer's fault - we don't make errors

OK, here's the story behind the rant. You'll want to settle in, get some food, put on some music. I decided to buy a new computer for Christmas. I went to Dell and spec'd a nice system on-line - a little over $2K when I was done. I whipped out the trusty VISA (a Chase BP Visa) card, which had an available credit line over $10K. I'm also a religious "never carry a balance, pay on time" kind of guy.

After entering the account, expiration, security number, etc, I got a "Verified by VISA" popup. I completed all of the information this little gem requested, and was returned to the Dell site. Order confirmed, no problem, sit back and wait for Santa in the blue suit.

Shortly after the on-line experience, the phone rings. The automated man on the other end identifies himself as VISA fraud protection, and robotically rattles off my Dell purchase, asking me to punch the ubiquitous numbers to confirm I truly made the purchase. Which I did. Upon completion, Mr. Roboto informs me I'll need to contact the merchant to re-process the purchase. I informed Mr. Roboto I confirmed I made the purchase, but he wasn't really in the listening mood.

So, I call VISA customer service, where I'm greeted by the automated spouse of the previous caller. Mrs. Roboto asks me the same verification questions about my recent Dell purchase, along with a host of personal information to confirm I am who I am. At this point, I'm starting to doubt I am who I am. Mrs. Roboto also informs me that I need to re-process the purchase with the merchant. Several number punches later, I talk to a voice that is not monotone. The CSR understands my problem, and indicates she'll transfer me to fraud protection so they can "push the transaction through" (her words).

After several minutes of bad hold music, I'm talking to fraud protection. I rattle off my SSN, my mother's maiden name, my dog's name, the circumference of my left thigh, etc. to again verify I am who I am. Fraud protection informs me they can't "push a transaction through." I inquire why the purchase is being rejected. Fraud protection indicates my account status and available credit are fine. The diagnosis - I input incorrect information. Flag on the play - I'm looking at the information I put it and it is correct. Fraud protection ignores my shouts of "unacceptable," "you need to fix the problem," and the hallowed favorite "let me talk to your supervisor." I give up, as it is 10pm.

At 9am the following morning, I call Dell. I'm on hold for 45 minutes until I get a voice - unfortunately I press the wrong button on the phone to get it off speaker, and Mr. Dell is replaced by hold music that sounds frightfully similar to a dial tone. So, another 45 minute hold is endured (along with a lot of phone control practice). Finally, a Dell CSR. We verify all of the information, submit the charge, and promptly watch/listen to it being declined. The Dell CSR gives me the verdict - gotta call VISA. I inform the CSR I've been on hold for 90 minutes, and she agrees to hang on the line while I call VISA. I tell her that may be a while, and it may involve bad language at high volumes. She's says she'll take her chances.

So, we're back to the VISA service line, which turns out to be a replay of the previous evening. Confirmation of the purchase, yeah I made it, no we're not going to process it, contact the merchant. 1-2-5-2-0 - several minutes of bad music - live voice - blah blah blah - I understand your frustration - blah blah blah - I'll transfer you to fraud protection services. More holding, more father's maiden name, color of your 2nd house, cup size of your 4th grade teacher, etc. OK, you're really you, what's your problem?

As I'm detailing the problem, the fraud protection CSR interrupts and starts to attempt a solution. I informed her I had not finished communicating my problem, and inquire how she'll fix something she doesn't understand. Sensing the lack of cooperation in my voice, she listens. Then she informs me I need to hang up and call back in 5 minutes to allow the CSR to close my account record so she (fraud protection) can access the record. After a colorful string of dialog comparable to the first 10 minutes of "Full Metal Jacket," she agrees to stay on the line until the record refreshes.

15 minutes later, we're in business. The purchase was declined because it was outside of my "typical spending limits" and with a business that is flagged as a favorite of those who steal cards. My reply was "I'm guessing quite a few folks are making purchases with Dell that are outside of their normal spending limits."

"Well, you've got a good point."

So, she "opens my window wider" to allow the purchase to go through. Dell, however, has put me on hold. So we wait. Dell returns, and the purchase is made. I ask fraud protection for the "width of my window, in dollars." They can't tell me. I ask how much wider it is now - they can't tell me that either. What follows is a lot of questions by me, with a lot of "we can't tell you that." How did VISA ultimately resolve my concerns with being able to use my card within the credit limit assigned? Don't know - they can't tell me.

An Open Letter to The Center for Science in the Public Interest

2007-05-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

To: CSPI

I am struggling with understanding your recent appointment as the adjudicator of what is and isn't good for me. Your recent lawsuit against Burger King is a glaring example of liberal do-gooders systematically exploiting our legal system to promote their own views of the world.

First, your action is insulting. You imply that I'm not intelligent enough to make healthy choices in my life. Since you've determined that I lack the basic fundamentals of sound decision making, you've decided to make my decisions for me. More importantly, you've robbed me of my right of free will. Maybe I enjoy eating trans fats. I certainly enjoy responsible consumption of alcohol, and my daily Starbucks caffeine fix is one of the bright spots of my day. Neither of these items are healthy choices, in an absolute sense. However, enjoyed in moderation, they create part of the foundation of my free will, exercised in a free society.

Second, your action is idiotic. I'm sure that your crack legal team has recognized that you have no standing. I'm confident that you entered this action with the sole intention to attract media attention to your twisted and misguided cause. You've achieved your goal, and you likely care little if there is any significant legal outcome. What you have achieved is a consumption of economic utility from our society. Burger King's legal team will spend the required time and money to defend against your equivalent of a second grader on a playground yelling "My dad is going to sue you" when they didn't get a ball. This cost will be past on to the consumer - me. Not adjusting for the time value of money or inflation, I conservatively calculated that your action will personally cost me $300. This is the defense cost that will be passed on to the consumer through increased prices. If you are successful in bullying Burger King into changing, I'm sure my personal liability will be even higher, as Burger King "reformulates" my burger and fries.

Finally, your action is not needed. We are a strong society whose majority understand their choices and the related consequences. If someone is living on a consistent diet of Burger King trans fat, well, they've got problems that your pansy organization can't even touch. What about a deep fryer screams "good for you"? It doesn't - anyone walking into a fast food restaurant recognizes this fact. We don't need you sticking your ass in our lives, increasing the cost of goods through frivolous legal action, and striving to be our moral compass. If I want a fat-laden burger and fries, that's what I want. If I'm concerned about my health, I'll double up on the Lipitor.

BTW - you can make arrangements to forward my $300 compensation by leaving a comment.

Charter - Still a Mental Giant

2007-03-06T16:31:00.000-08:00

My loving ISP continues to set new standards in sub-marginal customer service. Amazingly, as soon as I complained to a Charter supervisor about the sarcastic minimum-wager that yanked my chain, my primary e-mail account became disabled. I'm sure Charter and its employees are not responsible in any way, nor was the disabling of my account a form of retaliation.

I checked my sub-account e-mail addresses - they all worked fine. I was able to log into my master account without issue, so I changed the password for the master e-mail address. Still, no access - either through my e-mail client or through Charter's e-mail portal. So, I had to call Charter customer disservice. While talking to the "technical expert," I like to play a little game called "Which Country Did My Call Re-Route To?" So, I informed the "expert" that my e-mail was persona non gratis.

"Expert" first asked for my e-mail address, which I was happy to give. Then, I was asked for my password. Even after I refused, and explained how Charter sends regular e-mail indicating that none of their employees will ever ask for my password, "Expert" still insisted. After the hat trick of refusals, the Mensa candidate decided to reset the password (duh). Amazingly, my e-mail was again active. I inquired why the account was disabled. I received a broken-english reply of how the helpful technician had reset the password. After this endless death spiral, I gave up on the why.

Then, "Expert" asked if I needed anything else. I informed the helper that I had never received a response from Charter concerning my issue with their DNS re-direct that was hijacking my address line searches. The phone-holder asked how long I was on the phone waiting for a reply. I indicated I was told I'd receive a response in 24hrs, so staying on the line did not seem like the best use of my time. Then, once again, we entered this endless spiral of asking the same question, providing the same answer, etc. The "Expert" couldn't seem to grasp the idea of "getting back to someone." As I explained the problem, the individual consuming other people's oxygen replied "Oh, its a problem with the channels on your TV." Maybe they pipe a hallucinogen into the HVAC at Charterland - the TV channel comment remains a mystery. We came to an awkward and uncomfortable end.

I never have received a response from the geniuses at Charter. They are still redirecting the address line search site. So, I used my head (something I should have done a lot earlier) and pointed my router to a different DNS server. Problem solved.

Charter - Liar Liar Liar

2007-02-17T20:28:00.000-08:00

The braintrust at Charter lived up to my expectations. No comment, no call, no e-mail - despite the promise of their crack technical staff that I'd receive a reply in 24hrs. I've stooped to typing "gg" on my address line before running address ine searches. It pisses me off, but I have limited choices. I'm curious what the FCC's response will be.

Charter Can Bite Me

2007-02-14T18:35:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I haven't been here in a while. But time to be pissed off. I've always been a fan of address line searching from IE. Call me lazy, but it just seems more efficient. Tonight, I punched in some lyrics of a song on the address line, expecting Goggle to pop up and answer the "who sang the song" question.

Imagine my surprise when a Charter (my ISP) search engine popped up results, complete with a full page of "sponsored results" before the actual results. After an hour of registry searching, reloading registry entries for Google address line searching, spyware searching and virus scanning, I turned to the Internet.

Ironically, it was Charter's intercepting search engine that found the answer. Apparently, Charter has decided that they know better when it comes to my preferred search engine. So, they're set their DNS boxes to intercept the call made from the address line search (which I believe travels to a msn site before the preferred site is called). Details on the intercept can be found in Tony Bradley's article .

I tried the Opt Out button tied to Charter's intercept site. The Opt Out button puts a 2 month cookie on your machine, supposedly allowing you to return to normal address line searching. First, I purge cookies daily, so that fix sucks. Second, having to renew the Opt Out cookie every 2 months sucks. And finally, it doesn't work - I get a Microsoft site regardless of the IE preference settings.

So, I called customer service. I had to educate the tech service dude about address line searching. He couldn't comprehend why anyone would want to search from the address line. At one point, he was confusing the address line with an installed add-in search bar (which I don't use). He also questioned my use / choice of virus scanning software. I finally had to give him the URL for Charter's redirect page, and educate him about the OptOut option. The best he could offer was "sending my concern to the next level" at Charter.

Then, things went down the drain. I indicated that his solution was unacceptable. I told him Charter has no right to decide what search engine I can use from the address line of the browser. I indicated that his solution did nothing to allow me to use my machine and software the way it was designed. His response: "Well, then I'll just [drive] down to the DNS server myself. I'm in Canada...I'm sure its not too far." I demanded a supervisor, and then was placed in on-hold purgatory.

After I realized that the agent had no intent of letting me talk to a supervisor, I hung up and called back. The agent I spoke to sounded like he was in India, he quickly connected me to a supervisor (who sounded like she was in Russia or a related Eastern Bloc county), to whom I complained about an idiot in Canada.

Screw the customer service folks - I would have been surprised if they could have figured out how to spell Internet. But this whole ideal of an ISP using their DNS to intercept specific web site calls and redirecting them with no warning - big slipperly slope.

CHARTER - pay attention. You are pissing people off. There are plenty of high speed ISPs available - service is a commodity. Charter's got enough issues already - they didn't get on board with the combined TV/ISP/VoIP strategy as fast as their competitors, so know they're having to manage big debt to get infrastructure up to the competitive level. I guess they're supplementing income with their redirect to a Yahoo sponsored ad farm.

SBC - send me some rate plans. Looks like I'm coming your way.

Spinners

2005-10-31T19:49:00.000-08:00

Some day, when MTV runs its decade flashback ("I love the 2000's"), the comics of the time will be making fun of spinners. The stupid, gawdy, tire-bling that's hip with kids today. Imagine - add on hub caps that make your wheels look like, well, like they're SPINNING. What a great idea. The fact that the wheels are already SPINNING seems to be lost on the genius owners of these overpriced hubcaps. Apparently causing the wheel to spin through natural causes (i.e. driving) is not enough - one must add on additional devices to create the illusion of rotation.

I saw a car last weekend that was some type of generic hatchback. It was a beautiful primed blue with oxidized highlights. It had all the signs of a classic: the droopy headliner, vinyl missing from the passenger seat, strategically placed duct tape, and occupants that matched the decor. The attention getter, though, was the 3 spinners. Not 4 - just 3. I wanted to ask the driver why. Was the cost of 4 too much? Did Wal Mart just have the 3? We're relieved that money wasn't wasted on foolish improvements like seat belts or a rearview mirror. Steel belted bling - here's to you mister 3 wheeled spinner guy. Real men of genius.

Gratuities and Gratitude

2005-08-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

I was on an airplane recently, standing in the back of the plane, waiting for the 28 rows in front of me to exit. I happened to be next to the rear galley, where I engaged in a conversation with one of the flight attendants. She was remarking about a particularly rude passenger when she made the general comment "I don't understand why people can't take the time to thank the flight attendants when they leave the plane."

The more I reflected on her comment, the more I disagreed. If the plane had crashed and the attendant kept me safe, I would certainly thank her. Or, if she had gone out of her way to help me with a unique problem during the flight. Otherwise, the only thing she did during the flight was her job. She did the safety briefing, passed out little beverage cups (which were limited to water, coffee or orange juice), and rapidly collected the trash in a model of efficiency that maximized her ass time for the rest of the flight.

I wanted to ask her if she ever took a prescription pain reliever. I work for a pharmaceutical manufacturer, and put in 60 hour weeks to guarantee a supply of prescription pain relievers. I wonder why she didn't thank me for doing my job. Without me, she might have pain that can't be treated. I volunteer as an emergency responder in her community, yet I don't ever recall her thanking me for that service. Without me, her safety might be compromised. I bust my ass at work and pour my soul into make a good product. I can't ever remember someone coming up to me and thanking me for my contribution.

During the same trip, I saw a paper cup taped to the side of the cash register at a TCBY counter with a "Tips" sign fabricated behind the cup. Why would I tip the airport TCBY employee? This particular counter handled breakfast - coffee and donuts. It was a self-serve donut rack, and a pour-your-own coffee service. So, the net extent of the employee's service was to pull a Styrofoam cup from a stack, hand it to me, and take my money. AND THEY EXPECT A TIP? "Thank you for not damaging the cup as you expertly removed it from the stack - here's a buck." Give me a break. The next time you're at a pharmacy, leave a dollar or two for me as a tip for my good work at the factory.

The bottom line is that we have become an entitlement society. We expect to reap benefits - tips or thank-yous - for minimal effort. Get over yourselves, people. You have to work - it is a basic requirement of society. Tips, thank-yous, and other expressions of gratitude are mine to give. And I choose to give them when someone goes beyond the basic requirements and does a lot more than what was expected. So, if I don't get all appreciative the next time you do exactly what you're paid to do, deal with it.

(If you enjoyed the prose, tips are appreciated - all major credit cards are accepted).

Travel Idiot Savants

2005-08-06T21:14:00.000-07:00

I'm in a Holiday Inn Express that, for reasons unknown to me, requires the use of the room key to activate the elevator. Personally, I thought my Priority Club points had gotten me to the "your floor needs a special key" level - then I remembered it was Holiday Inn.

Anyway, I'm at the front desk to intellectually challenge the night shift associate in a game of Can You Find Me Some More Pillows. Before it's my turn, I'm watching a stellar pair of specimens from California negotiate a late checkout. The wife wants to jump right to cutting a financial deal with the front desk's master, to get her a check out time of "as late as possible." The husband interrupts, asking about the hotel's late checkout policy. The wife counter's her husband's query with the "I'm talking here" statement, and returns to trying to purchase a late checkout. At this point, I'm ready to take $20 from the mental giants and let them use my room as long as they want. The Einstein twins move towards the elevator. I hang for 5 minutes as the desk clerk navigates the housekeeping stores for pillows. To pass the time, I watch a large contingent of Japanese teenage girls (who speak absolutely no English) file through the halls. I've learned its best not to even wonder, and just let surreal events be. And then the pillows are presented. I make my way to the elevators and jab the button. Car 3 opens up, and I'm greeted by the Californians. Lady genius starts to get off, but man genius recognizes that they are still on the first floor. Apparently the directions about using your key to activate the elevator were completely lost on these two. The large sign with 2" letters was also lost on the 2 brain cells in the car. What impresses me the most is that, given the time I was at the desk, these two have been standing in an elevator for more than 5 minutes without any sign of movement. I once rode the elevator to the top of the Sears tower, and it took less than 1 minute. Lucky for them I came along and saved them from their elevator hell.

The following morning, I'm helping myself to the free milk and cereal in the breakfast room. The dude in front of me is struggling with the milk dispenser. It is the variety that consists of a big cooler with big boxes of milk, with a plastic tube that drops through a little metal pinch valve. Milk dude is attempting to reconcile the fine differences between 2% and skim, but quickly gets shut down completely by the dispensing mechanism. I tell him to lift the metal lever, and turn to observe another heard of Japanese girls. When I look back, my breakfast buddy is attempting to massage the plastic milk tube with his fingers. In his world, I guess it looked like a cows tit, and he'd go with what he knows. Then I recognized him as the elevator man.

These people should not be allowed to leave the home. It's just wrong.

Doom 3 and The Ten Commandments

2005-04-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

I've been playing Doom III. I'm probably a little older than id's target demographic, but hey - blowing the living shit out of stuff has always been a favorite past time. I've got to give credit to the boys and girls at id - the game scares the crap out of me. Seriously - I can't play it for more than 30 minutes at a time. After that, the intensity of fast little spiders running at me and making my guy go 'uhh' wears me out. I'll turn around and something will be there -aaaggh.

By design, one would not think a video game should cause fear. Still, the damn thing freaks me out. My goal is not getting to the end - my goal is surviving the 30 minute game playing experience without losing control of a bodily function. Corporate meetings, power negotiations, employee terminations - these are nothing. The guy you're going to fire is usually sitting still, in your field of view, and moving relatively slowly. I'm prepared for someone to jump out from a file cabinet and start throwing fireballs at my ass. In retrospect, Doom III is better preparing me for life.

The other night, I was watching "The Ten Commandments" on television. Now, before we go any further, a message to all those who are going to start inferring a lack of faith: I'm a faithful, believing Christian, not in need of saving. That said, there was a aspect of the movie that got me to thinking. After wandering in the wilderness for 40 years, don't you think they would have walked past the same point more than once? Wouldn't one of them said "Hey, this looks familiar - I think we've been here before." If you started walking for 40 years, I'm betting you could cover some pretty good distance. Given the fact that the wanderers didn't wind up on the other side of the globe, one would wonder if the same piece of ground was trod upon more than once.

Happens to me in Doom III all the time. I'm walking along, see a steam pipe and a red glow and think, "Hmmm, this looks familiar." Then a flaming skull zooms out of the sky and pummels me into a quivering blob of goo.

Bowling for Reality

2004-07-07T19:01:00.000-07:00

We need to enact some basic regulation for network programming:
1) A 2 "Law and Order" daily maximum, across all available channels
2) Criminal liability for bad reality shows

Better, we could combine reality show concepts:

"Donald of the Flies" - The Apprentice, but contestants aren't fired. Donald would ban the flunkies to a deserted island, where they would be left to fend for themselves. No voting off the island. Instead, real, long-term survival. Those who couldn't cut it in the boardroom may be able to cut it in the wilderness. If they don't, well, no worries about them showing up on a reunion special.

Michael Moore is an Idiot

2004-07-03T19:52:00.000-07:00

Go on - I dare you to argue with me.

I thought so. Enough said.

McDonald's Cheese Obsession

2004-06-30T20:14:00.000-07:00

McD's must have some type of deal with the dairy industry. I'm kind of a plain, no nonsense guy. I like my burgers sans stuff - no ketchup, mustard, pickle, special sauce, etc. Cheese is also on the list - I don't want cheese on the meat. Cheese is much harder to scrape off when the highly trained 17 year old senior assistant chief crew leader gets the order wrong.

McD's has made it very difficult to order a hamburger without cheese. I challenge you - can you locate a quarter pounder WITHOUT cheese on the menu (value menu or ala carte)? It can't be done. Try ordering a quarter pounder with cheese PLAIN. You will get one of the following:
1) A quarter pounder with cheese and all the stuff
2) A quarter pounder with cheese, but no ketchup, mustard or pickle
3) A quarter pounder without cheese, but with ketchup, mustard and pickle
4) A confused look from the counter genius

The conspiracy goes further. They have a value menu choice for two cheeseburgers, but not for two hamburgers. Whatever happened to the good ole' quarter pounder? It too went the way of the traditional large fry.

Prostitutes at Wal Mart

2004-06-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

If you look at Wal Mart's business model, they excel at entering into commodity markets and driving out the competition. Visit any small town where Wal Mart has opened, and you'll see the skeletons of small businesses - pharmacies, clothing stores, even grocery stores. I don't condemn Wal Mart, but I've seen the effect in my home town.

So, if Wal Mart got into the prostitution business, we could expect the local hooker franchise to dry up. This effect would be good for the town. Crime would drop - less pimp-on-hoe violence, no 'John' rolling, etc. It would be unlikely that Wal Mart would use drugs as a form of payment, removing another large base of crime. Wal Mart would drive out the independents - cleaning up the streets, if you will.

Quality control would improve, given Wal Mart's history with other suppliers. Prostitute-initiated STDs would likely become non-existent, as Wal Mart would consolidate its supply to quality stock. Wal Mart hookers would not be allowed to unionize, they would lack benefits, and pay would be driven to an efficient level. However, given Wal Mart's aversion to full-time employment, the prostitutes would have time to pursue other activities.

Product placement would likely be an aisle display, not too far from the health and beauty aid section.

Cows II

2004-06-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

I've spent the better part of the last two days transecting the fine state of South Dakota. Despite the 63,000 billboards that line the I-90 corridor, I saw several cows. I'm sure there were more hidden behind the Wall Drug billboards, but I found enough for some more cow observations.

1) I saw a line of 50 cows in a line (head to tail) heading for a pond. Amazing. How do they know it is time to head to the water? Maybe there is a time keeper cow. However, what happens when time keeper cow is ill, or becomes part of the food chain? The time concept may be intuitive to all of the cows, yet, they form a line. Why not just head to the pond as a large, unorganized mass (not unlike the population of a small South Dakota town at the opening of a new Super Wal Mart)? No, instead they form an orderly file, on their own, and move to hydration. Fascinating.

2) I saw a mass of cows (called a 'herd' by some). The mass was standing still. I've seen these groups of cows on movies, but they usually are running at a high rate of speed. There was probably 30 cows standing on a spot of field no bigger than 30' by 30'. No particular purpose that I could see (given the visible window one has at 80 mph).

The communication piece is the baffling part. I'm guessing I'm underestimating the power of the moo. The fact that cows can organize and function as a social group is baffling. I can't get six grown adults to stand in a line and move in the same direction. Yet, the bovines do it with little to no communication.

Slurpee Swell

2004-06-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

Have you mastered the Slurpee pour? If you're a big Slurpee fan, you'll understand the art required to pour a Slurpee. There are many facets to a good pour. The most important is the stopping point. Slurpee's tend to expand after the pour is complete. Amateurs can easily be spotted as they walk to the register and their Slurpee ejaculates frozen cola all over the floor. Pros are distinguished by stopping just short of the top, allowing the swell to ever gently push through the straw hole and form the perfect Slurpee nipple. Perfection.

I once challenged 4 engineering interns to describe to me the physics behind Slurpee swell. 3 of the 4 stared at me, indicating they had no appreciation for the Slurpee arts. The 4th went to work and developed a nice theory around motive force and gas uplift. It was a well developed theory, although it missed the true reason behind the swell. Then again, it's hard to get good help.

Lucky Charms and the Zen of Marketing

2004-06-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

The theme tonight seems to be food and food origins.

Lucky Charms used to have 4 marshmallow shapes: clovers, hearts, moons, and diamonds. Why they didn't go with spades, I don't know. I guess mothers around the world would have rioted if their kids started playing blackjack with their breakfast food.

Anyway, there came a day when Lucky Charms had a big marketing blitz over some new marshmallow shape. I don't remember what the shape was, but I do remember asking my brother "How in the hell did they come up with that shape." It looked nothing like what they claimed it actually was (oooh, outstanding syntax), and it was some bizarre combination of earth tone colors.

My analysis has led me to believe that this was a production malfunction, followed by a marketing save. Being a production guy, I know that stuff breaks, and product comes out bad. Typically, we scrap the stuff and try again. I imagine the margins in the breakfast cereal business are tight, so scrapping 60 tons of Lucky Charms with an off-color blob is probably a career ender for someone. So, in a panic, Joe Production Foreman called Bob Marketing Guy I Play Poker With On Fridays and asked for help. Bob called the box printer and changed the ad copy, and Ta Da - a new Lucky Charm marshmallow enters existence.

Last check, I think we're up to 7 or 8 Lucky Charm marshmallows. I have it on good authority that All Free (detergent) was born the same way - the color / perfume machine went down one night.

You Want Fries With That?

2004-06-24T21:29:00.000-07:00

When I was a pup, I dreamed of the day I could order the LARGE fries at McD's. My dad always got a large, while us kids had to share a small. The little white bag seemed wanting, compared to the mighty red cardboard carton.

One day the day came. "I'll take a large fry." I felt like the king of the world. I went around, flexing my large fry muscles, procurring the big box o' lard whenever I could.

As I aged, I realized that one should curtail the amount of deep fried tubers, so I reverted to the small. To my surprise, the coveted red box appeared. Excuse me, man with the paper hat - this is a large fry.

"No, that is a small."

"OK, if the red carton is a small, what is a large?" I was promptly shown an even larger red carton. Wow.

"What do I order if I want the small white bag of fries?"

"Bag of fries." Seemed simple enough. So I did, and I was happy. Until the day came when the bag of fries existed no longer. It became the child's fries. Large was small, Extra large was large, and Supersize was...well, it was supersize.

I continue to be perplexed by the ever changing dynamic that is the McD's french fry. And now I hear they're doing away with the supersize. Nacho Supreme is looking more my pace. Unless Supreme is going to mean regular. Then I'm just screwed.

Cows

2004-06-24T21:24:00.000-07:00

Do cows think about what they do? Periodically, you drive by a pasture, and you see cows in the field. Some are in groups, but there are always some loner cows. Are these cows standing solo by choice? Did the get lost on the way up the hill? Maybe there was a special blade of grass that the others missed. Maybe the loner cow was shunned by the larger group. Still, you wonder what went through the cow's mind. It's not as if standing alone was an instinct reaction or some result of stimulus-muscle reaction. The cow had to do some thinking. To what end...?