The Amazingly Lame Joke of the Day

Bandit

2026-10-26T03:12:52.606-07:00

Underwear bandit admits brief crime spree. #lamejoke

Golf

2026-10-25T10:42:43.414-07:00

This guy was running late after playing a round of golf, so he left his clubs with his friend, stuffed a bunch of the balls in his pants pockets and got on a bus...

He sat down next to a beautiful blonde and she kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many puzzled glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" #lamejoke

Banana

2026-10-24T06:51:14.532-07:00

Why the banana went out with the prune? Couldn’t get a date. #lamejoke

Belt

2026-10-21T02:51:41.138-07:00

Just spent $100 on a belt that doesn't fit. Huge waist. #lamejoke

Maine

2026-10-20T04:08:25.623-07:00

Does anyone else have trouble remembering the abbreviation for Maine, or is it just me? #lamejoke

Asleep

2026-10-19T16:13:50.395-07:00

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am. The wife shakes the husband and says,"Honey, there's someone at the door." The husband, irritated, gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you?" "Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you are drunk," and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him."Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us? You should go outside and help the poor man." Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?" In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes, please." "Where are you?" "Over here, on the swings." #lamejoke

Laxative

2026-10-13T12:26:30.125-07:00

I tried a laxative advertised to improve my baseball performance. It didn’t give me the hits I expected, but it did give me the runs. #lamejoke

Death

2026-10-11T11:03:30.477-07:00

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a salesman, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance."

The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles.

It's unbelievable.

The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.

The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."

The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death." #lamejoke

Trip

2026-10-08T14:32:46.650-07:00

I did a once in a lifetime trip last year. Never again. #lamejoke

Skunk

2026-10-05T16:11:50.269-07:00

I deleted my skunk pun. It made nose scents. #lamejoke

Jefferson

2026-10-04T07:37:23.709-07:00

I wonder if Jefferson Davis was voted most likely to secede in high school? #lamejoke

Amazon

2026-10-03T07:18:29.389-07:00

I’ve just about had it with Amazon. Every time I order chicken pellets and grain, they email me three days later asking for their feed back. #lamejoke

Eclipse

2026-10-02T03:21:14.017-07:00

Worst solar eclipse ever. One star. #lamejoke

Penguins

2026-10-01T06:00:10.469-07:00

Why penguins stay in pairs? Because freezer crowd. #lamejoke

Friend

2026-09-30T05:51:50.076-07:00

My friend worked for Del Monte for eight years. They are harsh! He fell asleep on the production line just once and got canned. #lamejoke

Compasses

2026-09-29T03:00:56.761-07:00

Compasses are easy to use become they come with directions. #lamejoke

Choice

2026-09-28T03:04:54.888-07:00

When you have a tough choice to make, be sure to bring a raincoat because you might be in for some nasty whether. #lamejoke

Beehive

2026-09-27T05:37:31.140-07:00

A beehive without an exit? Unbelievable! #lamejoke

Pigeon

2026-09-26T03:27:39.297-07:00

The difference between a composer and a pigeon? During a performance when a composer plays, the sound bounces around. When a pigeon makes a noise, a coo sticks. #lamejoke

Weight

2026-09-25T03:14:33.074-07:00

If a rancher had to know the total weight of his herd, would he weigh each cow individually or would he do it on a large scale? #lamejoke

Dissertation

2026-09-24T03:18:47.983-07:00

Finishing up my PhD dissertation titled "Water Condensation on Grass". It’s dew in the morning. #lamejoke

Bed

2026-09-23T03:02:50.408-07:00

Tom Hanks goes to bed everyday for rest. #lamejoke

Skydiving

2026-09-22T03:17:34.924-07:00

I can’t understand why skydiving is so expensive. It’s supposed to be a free fall. #lamejoke

Red

2026-09-21T03:18:33.305-07:00

Joey has a bad habit of running red lights. He has to stop. #lamejoke

Alexander

2026-09-20T04:58:16.615-07:00

Everyone's heard of Alexander the Great of Macedonia. Well, before he became great, he was known as Alexander the Mediocre because he was always late to battles. One day, during a retreat from battle, one of his generals told him about a special plant, that only grew in the area they were traversing, from which a fantastic potion could be brewed. The fantastic part was, at the top of every hour it would change color while during the hour the color would get lighter and lighter every five minutes. Alexander the Mediocre demanded that a specimen of this plant be brought to him and prove its special characteristic. The general sent out his captains to find this plant. When they brought it to Alexander, he ordered the potion be rendered. Sure enough, when the liquid was ready, it glowed a bright red. An hour later, it had passed through twelve shades of red, but right at the top of the hour, it suddenly changed to a bright blue. Then an hour later a bright green. Alexander the Mediocre was enthralled. He knew if he could carry a flask of this potion with him he would always know what time it was. But a problem soon arose when, one day, as he pulled his flask out, the string holding it snapped and the flask fell and broke. He had more of the potion produced and thought it would work if applied to clothing. He dabbed some on his tunic and, true to form, it glowed with the appropriate color for the time of day. But his sweat washed it all away. Looking for something else he thought to soak a cloth and wrap it around his wrist on top of a piece of leather to protect it from his sweat. But looking around his tent, he couldn't find a suitable piece of cloth except a scrap from an old uniform. He soaked the scrap of cloth in the potion, let it dry, and wrapped it around his wrist. It worked! Alexander the Mediocre no longer was late to battles, he could plan down to five minute increments, and in doing so he was able to drop the Mediocre moniker. He became Alexander the Great! And his device that helped him achieve this became known as Alexander's Rag Timeband. #lamejoke