FRANTICMOMMY

Wordless Wednesday: Walgreen's New Ass Fragrances

2012-02-08T07:11:00.000-08:00

(I'll pass, thanks)

Rafflecopter Giveaway at ILuvMyBaby! Valentines Ruffle Butt Onesie!

2012-02-07T05:38:00.000-08:00

I Luv My Baby awesome Ruffle Butt Onesie Giveaway!!

There's nothin cuter than a Ruffle Butt :)

Head over to www.iluvmybaby.com and use Rafflecopter to enter to win the oh-so-cute "So Loved" Ruffle Butt Onesie.

Just in time for Valentines Day too!

About The Ruffle Butt:
Making the adorable ruffled bottom apparel even more convenient, with three bottom snaps to make diaper changing a breeze. Wear alone for the perfect play attire or add her favorite little skirt for a afternoon picnic.
With a bold glitter heart and ‘So Loved’ scribed across the front – it’s easy to show off how special your little one truly is! With these details and 3 layers of organza ribbon ruffles across the back, this is not your typical one-piece. Made of 100% baby rib cotton, it is also machine washable. View more product details HERE>http://iluvmybaby.com/item_576/RuffleButt-One-Piece--White-So-Loved.htm

Enter to win HERE.http://iluvmybaby.com/blog/?p=184

HURRY! Giveaway ends Feb, 10, 2012.

In Honor Of Groundhog Day: Friday Flashback

2012-02-03T07:30:00.000-08:00

Friday Flashback Blog Post from...I dunno.....a long stinkin time ago:

Mrs. Flansburg, Your Groundhog is Causing a Ruckus!

Ah, residential living.

Here in the hoppin metropolis of Baxter, we enjoy wildlife on a day-to-day basis. Squirrels run amuck, fat robins hop around, and there’s even been an occasional deer raiding our birdfeeder. But none were more memorable than PHIL.

Phil was a groundhog (woodchuck to you Minnesotans)....and may I say he was a honkin BIG groundhog. About the size of cocker spaniel to be exact. My hubby claimed on more than one occasion that he was the biggest groundhog he'd ever seen. Most people would have freaked and called the DNR. Not us. Not only did we embrace this critter's presence in our backyard by naming him ("Phil" as in "Punxsutawney Phil"), the kids would eagerly watch for him daily. We collectively agreed Phil could live in our backyard in peace and tranquility as long as he behaved himself.

Someone forgot to get Phil the "behave" memo.

He was a good little groundhog for two weeks. Then he started getting brave. And naughty. Slowly reports from adjoining neighbors filtered in that Phil had been up to no good. Raiding gardens and digging holes in yards deep enough to trap elephants. Our neighbor’s tones changed from amusement, to annoyance.

We began to get worried.

I had a dream one night that I answered a knock on the door, only to find a police officer on my front step. Not a regular cop mind you, a motorcycle cop with the white helmet, mirrored shades, and the puffy pants.

"Mrs. Flansburg," he barked sternly. "Your Groundhog is causing a ruckus!"

That was the last straw. Phil was going to have to find a new place to reside.

Phil's reign in our backyard came to an end a few days later when my hubby spotted him up on his hind legs, clinging to the chicken wire surrounding our garden, eyeballing the forbidden feast like he just discovered the Salad Bar of the Century. Bub-bye Phil.

When the kids asked why Phil hadn't been around, we just said he was probably out chucking wood ("how much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood") and they seemed fine with that. Within days they found a new object of desire, a family of toads living under the front step. We breathed a sigh of relief at the lack of “Phil-drama” and concentrated our efforts on keeping the toads outside…where they belong.

The neighbors too were silent again because, let’s face it, you just don’t hear many reports of rogue toads ravaging neighborhoods. But I do miss Phil. The memory of him waddling around the yard, the sun glinting of his red-brown fur…priceless.

Finding toads stuffed in pockets and under the couch..not so much.

What Pet's Write In Their Journals

2012-01-20T13:06:00.000-08:00

This is an email forward from my favorite Bro-In-Law who is serving in Kabul, Afghanistan. Love you Kevin!

Excerpt From The Dog's Journal:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpt from a Cat's Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity....

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously not smart!!

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

TEDxSF - Mel Robbins- How To Stop Screwing Yourself Over

2012-01-06T11:28:00.000-08:00

My Shopping Dream Sequence

2011-12-28T05:47:00.000-08:00

Any mom will tell you there you that, even thought we love our kids to bits, there is something invigorating and empowering about shopping ALONE.

Alone as in "no-kids-I-am-all-by-my-lovely-self" shopping. It's damn near euphoric.

We are better shoppers too. More savvy. More purposeful. We can actually stand, contemplate, and finish a thought thus getting the best deal on which TP based on brand, number of rolls, and footage.

We glide through the store with the greatest of ease. Scoring deals, locating items with no problem, and even walking into the Nirvana of The Clearance Section without being directed by staff who are as haried as we are.

We loiter. We dawdle. We savor.

This of course is the polar opposite to our kid-toting-self which flies through the stores at light-speed. Our child-packed shopping cart transforms to a Land Speeder as we attempt to get through the store quickly and not prolong the agony any longer than we have to. We do all this while strategically avoiding the Toy Section and The Electonics Departments....thus avoiding Greasy Tamtrums/Meltdowns.

We pause at nothing and attempt to fill our list with the laser focus of a military sharpshooter. We master the art of "snatch and grab" as we shoot by the asprin, frozen food, and cereal areas. Coupons? Yeah, well those are back on the kitchen counter along with the last shred of sanity as our beloved cherubs beg, squirm and bicker their way through the bubble bath section, opting for the Disney Princess Head one that has the fluid ounces of Visine and the price tag of Dom Perignon. As they busy themselves bickering over the stray pack of Silly Bands that some dumb a$$ left in that section, I race to pet food section praying the ONE KIND of food our dog eats is in stock and on sale.

Exhasted and defeated we head for checkout. Though I have 52 items, I head for the 20 Items Or Less lane cuz..well..there's no one in that line and I need to get the "eff outta here." And those 52 items? I only had 15 things on my list. WTF?

SO..let's look at this closer. What would Franticmommy's Shopping Dream Sequence be like? Granted this may never..well..of of course it won't ever happen, but a mama can dream:

Dream Sequence: It's 6 am and I have the whole.store.to.myself. A store employee greets me at the door with a steaming cup of coffee. One that doesn't taste like dirt and has jjjuussstttt the right amount of vanilla flavored creamer and fake sugar. Oh yeah...and a brick of Dove Dark Chocolate on the side.

Another staffer takes my list and in moments reorganizes it according to store layout, directs me to sale areas, and even slips me a map to a secret Clearance Section that I can de-virginize. Along with a side order of Uber Awesome Money Saving Coupons. Boo-yah.

As I round the corner of Aisle 4, I see and enjoy a free chair massage. Did I mention my massage person is a gorgeous hunk of beefsteak who is giving massages shirtless? YUM.

After loitering, pondering, trying on clothes (that all look great on me AND are on clearance) and feasting on an endless buffet of free food samples, I am offered a choice of a the use of a golf cart or a foot massage. They ovbiously know this is a BIG store.

As I finish up my leisurely shopping, and I offered the chance to use the store's new Parental Nap Room where I (while my shopping booty is guarded by armed guards) can nap on a uber-soft heated bed with soft soothing music. NO hurries. No worries.

Then it's on to the check-out area where my heaping TWO cartloads of merchandize is tallied and professionally bagged. Thanks to coupons, rebates, and the fact I AM so freakin awesome, my $400 merchandize bill is reduced to $25 and I leave rested, envigorated and empowered......

...then I get home and the house is trashed, hubs is crabby, the kids are fighting, and the dog did a Nasty on the floor.

HEY, I did say it was a "dream sequence" , did I?

If I Could LIve 2011 Over Again, I Would:

2011-12-26T03:45:00.000-08:00

If I could live 2011 over again, this is what I would do different:

1. Worry less, play more

2. Sing more lullabies...even though my kids are past the lullaby stage. They wouldn't have cared.

3. Read more, watch TV less.

4. Put more effort into cleaning up my effing, sh*tty language.

5. Cook more, ate out less.

6. Paid less attention to the naysayers in my life, and focuse on my cheering squad who wanted me to do well.

7. Started Christmas shopping in October instead of the week before Christmas (Doh!)

8. Walked more, sat at my computer less.

9. Left my job sooner. Now I know it would have been OK.

What would YOU have done different in 2011??

Author and Blogger Deanna Sletten: Outlaw Heros

2011-12-15T16:37:00.000-08:00

I want to do a little sumthin-sumthin different this week. I love doing interviews of people, but this time it's extra special (to me). I will be interviewing a published author...and one from Minnesota to boot! Deanna Sletten is an author, blogger, and Minnesota Mom. I've followed her blog for years and was thrilled when she announced she had published a book just in time for the holiday season. I could gush all day about Deanna, but I'll let her do the talking :)

ME: First things first, tell us about your blog.

Deanna: I actually have two blogs: my writer’s blog Write Moms and my personal blog which I have recently started. In early 2009 when I started freelance writing full time, I started Write Moms to share my experiences as a freelance writer as well as information to help other mothers fulfill their dream of writing, and working, from home. It didn’t take long for me to realize that there was a huge demand from mothers (and fathers) for information about writing sites, working at home and earning money through writing. I really enjoyed sharing information with other writers as well as learning from them.

In the past couple of months, however, I have moved my focus away from freelance writing (although I do still write for several sites) and moved back toward my first love – novel writing. This is why I decided it was time to have a blog under my own name so I’d have a place to promote my books and share information with others about the self-publishing process. You will see me on my own blog more going forward and less on Write Moms, but much of the information on Write Moms will still be relevant to many beginning writers, even if it is 2-3 years old.

ME: Along the lines of "what came first, the chicken or the egg" which was first for you? Book writing or blogging?

Deanna: Definitely novel writing. Long before everyone had a personal computer in their homes or even knew what blogging was, I was writing books and trying to find a traditional publisher for them. I wrote one book and spent a year sending it out to agents and publishers, only to receive a luke-warm reception and never an offer. Finally, I put it away and forgot about it. Not long after that, I began writing two move novels, Outlaw Heroes being one of them. Again, I spent months trying to find a publisher but with no luck. An opportunity arose to self-publish Outlaw Heroes through Xlibris, a print-on-demand publisher at no cost to me. I did that with Outlaw Heroes and my other book, spent months promoting them as best I could and then basically forgot about them.

Recently, with the ebook trend rapidly growing, I decided to republish Outlaw Heroes as an ebook and that is how I ended up back into writing novels again. It is obvious that the ebook is not a passing phase and self-publishing has really taken off as an acceptable form for new writers. I’m excited that I am able to step back into writing books and plan on self-publishing several over the next few years.

ME: I know you live in Bemidji, but tell me a little about your personal life (family, kids, pets, hobbies).

Deanna: My husband and I have been married for – well let’s just say forever. We have two grown children, a son, Michael and daughter, Deborah, and both still live in our town so we are lucky we get to see them often. Our son is getting married next July and our daughter is engaged, so our family is expanding. Unlike many mothers whose children have moved out, I am not suffering from empty-nest syndrome – actually I am enjoying all the time I have for writing. I enjoyed my children while they were at home and now I enjoy having time to myself.

Our house, though, is never without drama. With 5 cats (3 rescued from the side of a road), a parrot and my best friend – a beautiful Australian Shepherd dog – it is never quiet around here. Summer and fall are my favorite seasons here in Minnesota because we spend time on the lake in our boat and I walk the local trails with my Aussie.

ME: I know of so many people who could/should be writers, but really struggle taking that first step. What advice would you give to a budding writer?

Deanna: If you really want to be a writer and have a good idea for a novel, don’t let the idea of writing an entire book stop you. Just start writing – you can always go back and make changes as many times as you want. I usually start a book with an idea, then write notes on characters such as their names, physical description, employment and their background. I also research any locations I am going to use if they are real towns or cities. After that, I just write and add characters where needed.

The same could be said for trying your hand at article writing. Research your idea and write about it. Whether you are writing an article or full-length novel, do your homework and research how to properly format your pages and what the acceptable fonts are, how to write dialogue, etc. No matter how good your book or article is – no one will even want to look at it if it isn’t formatted properly. I read a few books on writing before I started, but you can find that information online as well.

Don’t wait for someday – or else you will never do it. If you truly want to be a writer, you should learn what you need to know and start writing.

ME: What gave you the idea for Outlaw Heroes?

Deanna: I love history and really enjoy the old west and the characters that were famous then. I became especially interested in the lives of Butch Cassidy, the Sundance Kid and Etta Place. Yes, one of my favorite movies is Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid, but my interest went beyond the Hollywood’s version – I read everything I could get my hands on about the real outlaws and how they lived.
The idea to write a story where a young boy goes back in time to join the outlaws on their adventures came to me when my son and daughter were younger and they and the neighborhood kids were running around our yard in western clothes playing cowboys. I thought it would be fun to add a young boy into the story of Butch and Sundance and see where it would lead.

The real life Butch and Sundance were intelligent, well-read and fun-loving – they just also happened to rob trains and banks. They were not killers, in fact there has never been any proof that either of them ever shot or killed anyone. So I put them together with 12-year old Will Long and developed a story from there. Of course, it couldn’t be a story that glorified stealing, so the book is really about Will learning some life lessons while with the outlaws.

Why is the book named Outlaw Heroes? After all, outlaws can’t be heroes, right? I named it that because in the end, the outlaws were heroes to Will because it was through them that he learned that being on the wrong side of the law is not a way of life he should choose.

ME: Wow. That was the motherload of valuable information. When people ask me how to get started blogging or writing, I say "just do it." It doesn't have to be pretty or perfect. Just WRITE. Where do you see yourself in 5 years, Deanna?

Deanna: Well, I would love to say that I’ll be an international best-selling novelist five years from now but that probably isn’t realistic. What I hope is that I am still writing books and self-publishing them and I will have found an audience who enjoys and appreciates them.

Honestly, the whole reason I love writing novels is to create and tell a story – I’d write them even if no one ever reads them, but it would be more fun if the books were read and enjoyed.

ME: Name one thing on your Bucket List.

Deanna: Okay – here goes the western theme again. I’d love to travel down the entire outlaw trail starting up in Montana and ending in Texas and visit all the towns and sites where Butch and Sundance went. While on this trip, I would also like to ride into the famed outlaw hideout, ‘Hole-in-the-Wall’, on horseback just as the outlaws did over 100 years ago.

We have traveled around the country quite a bit and have seen some of these areas, but if would be fun to make a whole vacation out of it just once.

ME: What are you proudest of?

Deanna: This is easy – my children :) They are both intelligent, caring people who are also creative and hard working. We never really had any trouble with either of them when they were growing up, not even during the teen years. People always think I’m lying when I say that, but it’s true. And now we really enjoy spending time with them. Although I’ve had a few accomplishments in my life – my children are my greatest accomplishment.

ME: Good answer :) Share if you dare, one of your most embarrassing moments.

Deanna: The only incident I can think of is the time I asked a woman I worked with if she was pregnant – and she wasn’t. I thought for sure I was safe because she was getting larger over a short period of time, but I was wrong. There really is never anything you can say after that because it all just comes out wrong. After that, I learned never to ask anyone if they are pregnant even if it is obvious!

ME: Ha! I think we've all been busted on that one at one time. It's a lesson you learn the first time! How can readers find you, Deanna?

Deanna: Facebook link: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000427666748

Twitter: https://twitter.com/#!/fuzzypenguin13

Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/555634.Deanna_Lynn_Sletten
Outlaw Heroes is available as an ebook at Xlibris too – but it is expensive so I urge anyone who wants it in ebook form to go to Smashwords at this link: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/110868

Happy Writing!

Resolutions? Already? YUP. Workin The Downsize

2011-12-08T04:43:00.000-08:00

I was trolling around this morning on one of favorite Mom Haunts and I came across a discussion on New Year's Resolutions. A member was asking who made 'em, did they keep 'em, and was it even worth it.

I can speak for myself in saying YES, I usually make them. YES, I usually take them seriously (I may not "achieve" all the time, but I certainly TRY.) And YES I think they are "worth it."

The Tough Love side note to this thought would be: You don't like something in your life...quit biotchin and Change.It.

This year, I can sum up my New Year's Resolutions in three words "Workin The Downsize." Downsize as in ME (weight) and downsize as in HOUSE (clutter-OMG, do we have CLUTTER). I read somewhere that the average house has over $1000 of sellable, unused or outgrown items in their home. I swear, in my house, it's a lot than that.

In 2012, I vow to sort every nook, cranny, drawer, and closet. Some of my unwanted items I may save for a garage sale in the Spring, lots will get donated, and much will get sold on sites like Storkbrokers.com for some quick $$.

Want good things to come into your life in 2012? I do. But that can't happen unless I "decrapify" my life and make space for the good stuff to come in.

SO, stay tuned for this adventure. I am sure there will be humor, disgust, joy, remembrance, and may be...just maybe...I will solve the mystery of why my vehicle smells like someone took a dump in it.

That one scares me a bit.

Dumpster and Haz Mat Suit..here we come.

The Infamous Purina Dog Food Diet WeightLoss Plan

2011-12-07T08:46:00.000-08:00

I was at WalMart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog , in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't, because the last time I did it I ended up in the hospital. BUT I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Now that you've read it I have to confess, I copied it from someone else.. share and make someone else smile today :)

Mantels In Minutes: Holiday Decor For The "Decorating Impaired"

2011-12-01T08:43:00.000-08:00

I am not the brightest bulb in the pack, so thank goodness God blessed me with lots of Smart Friends.

Last weekend, I went to a great holiday product show, and I ran into my buddy Beth Hansen from Ideaz Galore. Beth is an aammmmaaazing and talented interior designer, but she was showcasing a new product make me go, "shut the front DOOR!!!!!"

I have ZERO decorating skills. My home is decorated in Early Garage Sale. And even if I did buy "the stuff" that I want to decorate with, I have no clue to to DO with it. I'm very linear when I try to organize a group of items. Lucky for me Beth has an answer to this with her hand-picked, hand-created Mantels In Minutes. This would be the equivalent to "Plug-n-Play" in the Christmas decorating world.

Each "kit" has everything you need to make your bookcase shelves, mantels, conference rooms look smokin hot in minutes. She has everything you'll need in one box, plus a diagram that helps decorating knuckleheads like me position items so they look stylish and elegant. Not like lined up for the firing squad like most of my displays are.

Very cool. Great product for busy parents or busy business people who want to make their workspace, business, or humble abode look awesome for the holidays in MINUTES. And lately, I am all about convenience and ease.

Beth can ship these little dandies all over the US and there are several different "flavors." If this sounds like the answer to your over-stressed-too-much-going-on-in-my-life prayers, head over to Beth's Ideaz Galore website http://www.ideazgalore.com/ or email her at
beth@ideazgalore.com . The Mantel kits are under the "Mantels" tab. OR if you want to chat her up about her decorating skeeels, give her a ringy-dingy at. 612.718.3874.

Happy decorating!

Cyber Monday Deal: My Mommy Is A Blogger for 40% OFF!

2011-11-28T17:33:00.000-08:00

In honor of Cyber Monday you can save 40% at checkout using the code: CYBERMONDAY

This is over $7.00 off the book! WOW! Get your book today for under the tree!

http://sommerpoquette.com/buy-the-book/

Smiles,

Sommer Poquette

http://www.blogger.com/goog_1460801919

facebook.com/greenandcleanmom

twitter.com/greenmom

The Parrot: A Thanksgiving Tale

2011-11-23T08:03:00.000-08:00

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's' mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING :)
(thanks to Mike who forwarded me this story)

The BlogTalk Radio People are REALLY Brave...

2011-11-16T17:16:00.000-08:00

I am sooooo freakin excited right now.

Like pee my pants, spin-in-circles-like-a-toddler, excited!

Why, you may be asking?

Well.... Because I have a chance to broadcast my madness!! Boo-YAH! (Insert maniacal laugh here).

I may be kidding about the "madness" part (kinda), but I'm NOT kidding about the "broadcast" part. Silly buggers. What were they thinking?

Thursday 11/17/11 I will be interviewed on Blog Talk Radio! Wanna listen? huh? huh? GO HERE. I will be yapping my face off about blogging, why I am so weird, with a side order of blogging.

DID I MENTION I AM EXCITED?
OK, so like..what do I wear? Court Jester hat ( have one)? A 1980's Power Suit (have one)? My daughter's Pink Power Ranger costume? That might be cool. Then I can utter phrases like "hi-YAh!" or "Take THAT Physco Rangers!"

Plus, I think I look pretty hot in it. (reality: she's 5....soooo basically I could wear the gloves and the mask.....)

Enough about garb, what should I say? What if I swear? Burp? Then swear cuz I burped? *shudder*

Do these people have any idea what they are in for???

FAST FORWARD. So let's say it's already Thursday, you've listened to the show, and you're here to check out this goofy chick called Franticmommy:Queen of the Kingdom of TIRED.

Welcome! Kick off your shoes, have a snack, and ignore the mess. The cleaning lady has the ~~week~~ ~~month~~ ~~forever~~ day off so it's a little cluttered around here. Everyone's welcome and the only requirement is a good sense of humor and the appreciation of a good ole-fashioned poop story.

OK, maybe I will skip the poop stories today.

But feel free to snoop around, have read, and check out some of my all time favs like:

You Know You Are A Commited Blogger When..
Blogafinitions
You Know You Are A Committed Blogger When..
The School Called: Your Kid Ate Some Skull Today
Fish Emergency In The Express Lane

And if you feel so inclined, subscribe and get this colorful, quirky, madness delivered right to your InBox. Swweeeeettt!!!!!!!!

Thanks for stopping by!

The School Called:Your Kid Ate A Part Of A Skull Today.
Fish Emergency In The Express Lane
BlogaFinitions

Minnesota Scentsy Scents You Won't Find In Stores

2011-10-29T05:27:00.000-07:00

1. Oil Of Goat Sweat

2. South End Of A North-Bound Moose.

3. Ode to Le' Skunke (a pungent French scent).

4. My Gramma's Canoe Seat ( an *ahem* "earthy" scent).

5. Vanilla Salamander Suprise.

6. Rutting Season Dawn For Men (makes the gals wanna pee in your rut)

7. Kiss My Bass (reminder of the 5 day fishing trip with "da guys". Best for garages and workshops.)

8. GobbUmWorms. Another popular scent for men. Formerly called WhatchaCatchin.

9. Autumn Stroll Acorn Folly. A gentle reminder of the act of walking during prime leaf and acorn drop. Includes coupon for bike helmet.

10. Glistening April Song: Or G.A.S for short. A refreshing scent designed to cover the odors that result in the exclamation "what the eff is that SMELL?????"

The Minnesota "Should I Shave My Legs?" Flow Chart

2011-10-26T07:20:00.000-07:00

Things Overheard At A Potluck That Sound Dirty, But Aren't

2011-10-23T05:37:00.000-07:00

We seemed to have reached all all-time low here at the Kingdom Of Tired.

My last post was about BOOBS.

Before that was the hilariously accurate post from MassHole Mommy about Halloween things that sounds ~~porn~~ dirty, but AREN'T.

There's some kick-arse SEO juice for ya.

Whatever is the cause, my mind has gone right into the gutter and I'm considering having my mail forwarded there. Not to disappoint, here is my next installment of Posts That Are Spiraling Out Of Control called:

Things Overheard At A Potluck That Sound ~~Porn~~ Dirty, But Aren't

"My goodness Mabel! What nice soft buns you have!"

"Wow Hoyt. Your wiener plumped right up!"

"Mildred, I do believe there's some hair on your muffin..."

"Are the Johnson's coming?...."

p.s Just think of it this way; You just burned 12.2 calories by shaking your head in disgust. Or 38.7 calories by giggling with mirth...

YOUR WELCOME.

PinkTober! Squish A Boob: Save A Life

2011-10-20T08:40:00.001-07:00

Halloween Things That Sound Dirty But Aren’t: From Mass Hole Mommy

2011-10-08T08:14:00.000-07:00

I saw this post from Bloggy Buddy Robin at Mass Hole Mommy and I just had to share:

Halloween Things That Sound Dirty but Aren’t:

1. So…What did you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks.
5. You scared me stiff!
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling.
8. Can I eat your Zagnuts?
9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed but couldn’t get my mouth around it.
11. She’s a goblin!
12. I’d like to get a little something in the sack tonight.
13. He’s got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
14. She’s got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
15. If you just lick it, it’ll last longer.
16. Let me see your big sack!
17. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use two hands.
18. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
19. I got the best piece from that house.
20. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

Got any to add? ;)

http://massholemommy.com/2010/10/22/halloween-things-that-sound-dirty-but-arent/

Wordless Wednesay: Kinda Not So Wordless Maxine

2011-10-05T04:58:00.000-07:00

A Guide To Safe Fax

2011-09-30T05:33:00.000-07:00

Q: Do I have to be married before I can Fax?

A: Although married people Fax quite often, there are many single folks who Fax complete strangers every day.

Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?

A: Certainly not, at least not as far as we can see.

Q: There's is a place on our street where you can go and pay for Fax. Is that even legal?

A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for the Fax drives and must pay a “professional” when their need to Fax becomes too great.

Q:My spouse likes to Fax morning, noon, and night. Sometimes I get tired of all of this Faxing. What should I do?

A: Firmly tell your spouse to “Fax off.”

Q: Should a cover always be used when Faxing?

A: Unless, your are very sure of the one you're Faxing, a cover should indeed be used to ensure safe Fax.

Cab Over Pete With a Refer On..CONVOY

2011-09-27T05:28:00.000-07:00

The other day I had a sudden urge to clean house.

Usually, I lie down until the urge passes. But on that day, it persisted.

So I rolled with it and actually made some progress in making my house NOT looks like wolves live there.

One of my victims was the Family Junk Drawer. Unspeakable and Unidentifiable things were discovered in that drawer....but there was one thing that made me stop and Have A Thought. It was a picture of my first car.

My first car was a Ford Omni. And what a complete piece-o-crap THAT thing was. But it was my first car and all I could afford. It was a yucky faded menstrual red, and a hatchback to boot. But it was still an upgrade from the prehistoric-more-rust-than-paint Ford Jimmy my parents had been letting me drive.

The Omni didn't have a long life. It croaked right around the time I got married. Apparently being married made my brain go on "park" because my next purchase was a brand new Camaro.

Damn, I was HOT in that car!

But what was so brainless about this purchase is that I live in Minnesota...not Florida. After one hellish Minnesota winter driving this white-like-the-snow-low-rider I quickly realized what a dumb arse move it was. Bye-bye Camaro.

Finally, common sense kicked in and that's when I became a truck driver.

Not like a "cab over Pete with a refer on-looks like we got us a Convoy" truck driver... a "I got a gas-sucking-hog Ford Expedition" truck driver. I loved my truck. I sat up high above other drivers, I could haul bouko amounts of garage sale treasures in it, and I felt both kids were safe 99% of the time.

And the backup sensors were hot too. It gave my garbage cans a fighting chance. Then gas prices shot up, the economy went to hell, and we couldn't afford the gas-suckin-hog-truck anymore. Goodbye truck. It's downsize time.

Hello Toyota Rav 4. It's what I currently drive and it's not bad. It feels a little tin-canny at times, but at least I can back up without taking out people or objects. It oodles of handy compartment or "hidey holes" for stashing aboveformentioned garage sale loot. I does the job without making us sell body parts on the Black Market to keep gas in the thing.

Do I miss my Expedition???..yup. Maybe someday I'll have one again because vehicles are my Achilles Heel of my tightwadedness. I wear thrift store clothes, pack my own lunch, and four of us are crammed in a house around 1000 square feet....but I always have a soft spot for a hot ride.

Kids And Social Media. At What Age Is It OK?

2011-09-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week I did a story about Cyberbullying and Child Internet Safety. For me this topic is fascinating, scary, AND eye-opening. What got me started on researching this topic was an assignment from Her Voice Magazine.

Tough topic..but I am in heaven. I loved learning new things and this topic has not disappointed. This in-depth research has now evolved into other projects as well because....well...it's a pretty relevant, important, and controversial topic.

I shared my thoughts and findings with fellow bloggy buddy Jenny at The Magic Farmhouse and she wrote this awesome article about her views on kids and Social Media. Please give it a read. Good stuff!

Side note: This was my comment on Jenny's blog after reading this well-done post: "Social Media is not all bad. Like you mentioned for Pickle it's an excellent way to stay in touch with far-away friends. I've reconnected with relatives that I hadn't spoken to since childhood thanks to Facebook. When my Brother In Law is deployed overseas next week, Facebook will be our way to stay in touch with him. But just be aware there is a dark side. As adults we might not hear about it as much, but it you want a taste of what's going on in the real world of a teen, go to Twitter and search the hashtag #stopbullying. Or Google the tragic story of Jamey Rodemeyer. It's no joke and we all need to be aware."

Franticmommy's Plan To "Live As If..."

2011-09-24T05:37:00.000-07:00

OK...I confess. I was one of the ~~sheep in the herd~~ enthusiastic shoppers a few years back when the public was in the throes of a headlong rush to the local bookstore for the latest rage in self-help-wanna-fix-me books otherwise know as The Secret.

It was a weak moment. Usually I patiently wait until the following year when I can find a Best Seller at a garage sale for a quarter.

But I succumbed to the madness and parted with $18.95 right on the spot and anxiously read the book. I can honestly say, when I was done, not much changed.

Recently I re-read The Secret again, and ...well...I've come to the conclusion that...it's a pretty good book. A little....well...OUT THERE....but still a pretty good book.

Hype aside, the reality is that the underlying message of The Secret is the SAME ONE that has been taught and preached for decades by some of the masters of self help, success, and motivation. It's the same song, it's just in a slicker package. Marketing 101: Find a way to tell readers old information, but in a new way.

Mission accomplished. Gotta tip my hat to 'em.

And I'd also like to give a round of applause to who every was smart enough to make The Secret purse-sized. Clever clever, clever. I don't think that was an accident.

But the bottom line is; the message in this book is not new. Teachers like Napoleon Hill, Zig Ziglar, and Earl Nightingale were talking about the "you are what you think" message back before the subject was cool. Gurus like Tony Robbins, Dr Phil, and Martha Beck have been talking their faces off to people for years about one of the main messages in The Secret which is "live your life as if.". Live as if you were already healthy, popular, rich and successful. Think bad, you attract bad. Think good, you attract good.

I get it. I'm groovin on it.

This whole concept/idea/theory trips my trigger. Live and pattern your life after the success you desire. Simple.

Well, I have a "secret" of my own to share. My goal of living "as if" is to live like I am financially well off....

Ok, filthy rotten rich.

Not because I think money is power...oh no grasshopper..to me money is FREEDOM. Freedom to pursue my hopes, dreams, goals, and projects. Freedom to do bat-shit crazy stuff like:
*Work at my own pace.
*Finish a thought.
*Nap occasionally and not feel guilty.
*Daily massages.
*Decide on a project or goal, research it, work it, and make it come to life.
*Live my life like it's NOT a timed event.
*Never work for The Man ever again.
*Spend money with wild abandon and never clip another coupon again.

So with all that craziness in mind, what would I need to make this happen? I am thinking I could possibly do without the chauffeured Rolls, daily massages, and monthly consults with Oprah...but a personal trainer is a must since I am too lazy, pressed for time, and unmotivated to whip my own fat arse into shape.

A housekeeper! OMG YES. A housekeeper to scale Mount WashMore for me and actually *gasp* fold the laundry..and maybe even..::swoon:: iron it. And of course, clean. Well, duh.

A counselor too. Not for me, but for my poor spouse when he needs to tolerate me all day long..since I'm not working....just spending money and chatting with the Kardashians on Skype. And maybe one for my boss to help him get past me giving him the chubby middle finger and hittin the door running. Sorry dude. The gals of The View want to have a chat with me. Gotta run.

After a bit a calculation, I figure if I want to live out this fantasy and live "as if" for, lets say..a minimum of 2 weeks, I would need a cool $50,000 just to keep my boat, afloat. Yup. That's it..*ahem*.

That's a week too btw....cash.

Angel Investor, please?

Child Internet Safety and Cyberbullying. Scary No Matter How Ya Slice It

2011-09-22T07:23:00.000-07:00

I read a statistic the other day that claimed 75% of today's kids (in the 12-17 age group) already have a Social Media Profile AND an iPhone.

That's all fine and dandy, but what concerns me is Cyberbullying and the boogie-main-under-the-bed, also known as Internet Predators. It used to be bullies were people you could see, but the newest variety of bully;the Cyberbully, uses the Internet as their sheild/playground of choice and parents don't always know their child is being bullied.

The real butt-clencher statistic would be, only 1 out of 10 kids will tell their parents there's a problem. One in ten!

Our oldest is just now getting active on the Internet, and the reality is... I just can't always be there to see what he's doing. All it takes is for him to find You Tube, try to look up "Lego" but maybe accidental type "legs" and end up about two clicks from some sort of "naked nasty." It's insane what's readily accessible on the Internet these days.

So what's the answer? Well, in my opinion, there's two options. Ban him from the computer until he's about 40, or get some help.

I opted for "help." Then I found www.socialscanner.com. Social Scanner is a web-based monitoring tool that helps parents keep their kids safe by knowing their on-line activities. Using the current special of a FREE 60 day trial (use code mobsafety60) I signed up and so far really like what I see.

As a parent you can track what sites your child is on, including email. It also helps you set time limits and filter sites that are complete no-nos. On their sister site http://www.mobsafety.com/ there's a cool MobSafety Ranger app for iPhones that can monitor their iPhone useage as well. You can also load this app for FREE during the month of September.The free trial offer on Social Scanner ends September 30th as well so hurry!

REMEMBER: Have the conversation with them about Internet safety FIRST. Make sure your kids know the boundaries and expectations up front. And in case you were feeling a little weird about monitoring your child's on-line activities..it's not spying folks. It's about keeping your kid safe. Period.

SocialScanner.com:Social Media Monitoring for the Rest of Us socialscanner.com. The huge growth in social networking sites has created an increase in online threats such as cyber-bullying, sex predators, privacy concerns and reputation damaging pictures, video and text. SocialScanner monitors social...