Dried Wit

Senior Halloween

2009-11-01T14:20:00.000-08:00

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Boris Karloff Mask," and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...

1. You keep having to go home to pee.

Love Story

2009-11-01T14:19:00.001-08:00

I will seek and find you .

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

Wrong Feet

2009-11-01T14:15:00.000-08:00

While on vacation in Jamaica a married couple walked into a shoe store. The salesman said to them, "I have some very special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes.
Something his wife haven't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, he grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! You gotdem on the wrong feet!"

Damn Bra

2009-10-16T00:52:00.000-07:00

Avoiding Heart Attack

2009-10-10T18:30:00.000-07:00

Want to lessen your probability of getting a heart attack?

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4 The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks thn Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION.....

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Memories

2009-10-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

One Sunday morning, a priest decided to do something a little different. He said "Today I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."

He then shouted out, "CROSS."

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."

He hollered out "GRACE."

The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE."

He said, "POWER."

The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."

Then he intoned, "SEX"

The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "MEMORIES."

Just a Thought

2009-10-08T13:34:00.000-07:00

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant all her female friends rub her tummy and say congratulations? But none of them rub your dick and say well done.

Too Focused

2009-10-03T15:07:00.000-07:00

A mother was called to school as her kid has gotten one D and three F's on his report card.

The teacher asked her, "Why do you think your son is not doing well?"

"Seems he is concentrating too much on just one subject," she replied.

#

2009-10-03T14:59:00.000-07:00

At a business conference, a lady executive was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome, smartly dressed man. They flirted casually throughout dinner, then became bored and restless as the dignitaries continued their speeches.

So during one rather long-winded lecture, the man placed a cocktail napkin on the table between them and drew a # sign. Elated, the lady wrote down her phone number.

Looking startled for a moment, the man drew another # sign, but this time, added an X to the upper-left hand corner.

FAQ about Men

2009-09-17T21:36:00.000-07:00

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe...

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

A Woman's Prayer

2009-09-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Mowing the Lawn

2009-09-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Making Her the Happiest Person

2009-09-17T21:30:00.000-07:00

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world..."

She replies, "Really? I'll miss you..."

Doing the Laundry

2009-09-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied, "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "OHIO STATE!"

And they say blondes are dumb...

Jesus Saves

2009-09-03T16:53:00.000-07:00

Jesus and Satan were having an argument about who was more computer savvy between the two of them. They had been going at it for days, and frankly Jesus was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally Jesus said, "That's it! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job." Satan agreed. So they sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They e-mailed.

They googled.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets.

They photoshopped.

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They even twittered.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed, "That's not fair! You cheated! How come you have all your work and I don't have any?"

Jesus just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES!!!"

Job Interview

2009-08-21T03:19:00.000-07:00

Prospective Employer to Applicant, "So why did you leave your previous job?"

Applicant, "The company relocated and they did not tell me where."

Hilarious Baby Commercial

2009-08-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

Damn Fine Explanation

2009-08-03T17:39:00.000-07:00

A wife comes home early and finds her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

"You are a disrespectful swine!" she cries. "How dare you do this to me - I'm a faithful wife, the mother of your beautiful children! I'm leaving you... I want a divorce right away!"

He quickly replies "Wait. Let me explain, I can tell you what really happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobs, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

So he explains, "Well, I was getting into my car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her get inside my car."

"I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed, and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for four days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments."

"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a quick shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away in the bin. Then, as she needed clean clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight-fitted."

"I also gave her the underwear that was given as your birthday present, which you don't wear because you told me, I don't have good taste. I also found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated to her those boots you bought at the expensive 'Mark and Spencer' shop and don't wear because someone at workplace has a similar pair."

The husband takes a quick breath and continues, "She was so grateful for my being thoughtful, understanding, and assistance that as I walked her through the door, she turned to me with big tears in her lonely eyes and said, 'Please, Sir... Do you have anything else, that your wife doesn't use anymore...' "

Wrong Lessons

2009-07-26T17:03:00.000-07:00

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The women are taking their sweet time.

Finally the last woman takes her turn. She hacks the ball 10 feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another 10 feet, then another five feet. She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f**king lessons I took didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead."

He didn't even get the chance to duck.

The Polite Way to Pee

2009-07-11T02:04:00.000-07:00

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question, "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael thought for a moment and said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher said, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman answered, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Little Johnny said "I would say. 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

The teacher fainted...

2009-07-05T07:32:00.001-07:00

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The English Launguage is Crazy

2009-06-15T17:18:00.000-07:00

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, or meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't grouse and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

People, not computers, invented English, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Demographic Survey

2009-06-15T17:17:00.001-07:00

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

A.I. vs Stupidity

2009-06-15T17:16:00.001-07:00

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

True Friends

2009-06-15T17:15:00.001-07:00

Friends don't let friends take ugly people home.