Dried Wit

Eggs

2011-04-09T00:17:00.001-07:00

wo eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female. The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack."

"No good telling me," replies the male egg. "I'm not hard yet"

Man's Best Friend

2011-04-09T00:16:00.001-07:00

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, try this simple experiment...
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.....

When you open the trunk, see who is happiest to see you!

Lousy Haircut

2011-04-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Delta?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of Delta's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard stopped me and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

Tarzan Checks for Squirrels

2011-04-01T21:08:00.000-07:00

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was.

He exclaimed, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in tree trunk."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Tarzan check for squirrels."

New CEO

2011-04-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO, who promptly decided to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business, so he walked up to the guy and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Farting to Music

2011-01-17T05:29:00.000-08:00

Maegan was in a restaurant on a blind date when she realized she desperately needed to break wind. The sound system happened to be very loud so she decided to coincide with the beat of the music. After that she felt fine but then she noticed everyone to be staring at her. That's when she remembered she was listening to her iPod.

Opening at the CIA

2010-05-23T19:24:00.000-07:00

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, 2 men and a woman were the finalists.

For the final test, the first man was taken to a large metal door and was handed a gun. A CIA agent told him, "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Behind this door you will find your wife. Kill her."

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent nodded and said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent nodded and said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given similar instructions - kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Within seconds shots rang out, one after another.

Then they heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. The agent was just about to go in and check things out when the door opened and the woman stepped out, sweating profusely.

"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

De Dash Don't be Silent.

2010-03-22T17:40:00.000-07:00

How would you pronounce this child's name? - "Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City, MO, USA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha", When she was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

And That's Why We Ask

2010-03-22T17:37:00.000-07:00

At the airport check-in gate, airport employee: Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

Passenger: If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?

The employee smiles knowingly and nods: That's why we ask.

Four is larger than Two.

2010-03-22T17:35:00.000-07:00

A repairman was repairing a garage door. He tells the wife one of their problems is that they don't have a large enough motor on the opener.

The wife tells him they already have the largest one his company made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

The repairman shakes his head and says, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."

She tells him 1/2 is larger than 1/4.

He says, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two."

They haven't used that company's repair service since.

Unlocking a Car

2010-03-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

A couple arrives at a car dealership to pick up their car. The service manager tells them the keys have been accidentally locked inside. So they proceed to the service department and find a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As the woman watches from the passenger side, she instinctively tries the door handle and discovers that it is unlocked. "Hey," she announces to the technician, "it's open!"

He replies, "I know. I already got that side."

El Computador

2010-03-19T21:20:00.000-07:00

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. E.g. "House" is feminine - "la casa" while "pencil" is masculine - "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether a computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be feminine - "la computadora" - because:

1. No one but its creator understands its internal logic;

2. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that "computer" should be masculine - "el computador" - because:

1. In order to do anything with it you have to turn it on;

2. It has a lot of data but still can't think for itself;

3. It is supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time it IS the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

An Old Nun

2010-03-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile, asked, "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"

The worker yelled back, "Cos his wife's here with his lunch"

God Loves Drunk People, Too

2010-03-16T22:53:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife were awaken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the main door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asked for a push.

"Not a chance," he says, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push."

"Did you help him?"

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him. You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man thinks about it, gets up and gets dressed. He goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark again.

"Where are you?"

"Over here on the swing."

Pregnancy Q & A

2010-03-09T03:46:00.000-08:00

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough for anyone.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

The Maid Wants A Raise

2010-03-09T03:40:00.000-08:00

Margarita the maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was not too happy about this and said, "Margarita, times are tough. I must make do on what my husband gives me. I'm not getting a raise. Tell me three reasons why you deserve one."

"Well Senora, I iron better than you."

The wife asked, "Who said you iron better than me?"

"Your husband said so."

"I see."

Margarita continued, "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

"Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

The maid replied, "Your husband did."

"Oh."

Finally, she said, "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Aghast, the wife asked, "Did my husband say that as well?"

"No Senora, the gardener did."

She got the raise.

The Lonely Little Brain Cell

2010-03-09T03:36:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which mistakenly ended up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but there was no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but there was still no answer.

She started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away, "We're down here..."

An Interesting Observation About People And Sports

2010-03-09T03:33:00.000-08:00

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.

and...

6. The sport of choice for CEOs is golf.

The Inescapable and Astounding Conclusion: The higher you go in the corporate ladder, the smaller your balls become.

Late Nite Catechism at Long Wharf

2010-03-07T23:38:00.001-08:00

Sister's Christmas Catechism Highlights

2010-03-07T23:35:00.001-08:00

Sister Strikes Again!: Late Nite Catechism 2 B-Roll

2010-03-07T23:34:00.000-08:00

Mean Disney Girls

2010-03-04T16:04:00.000-08:00

Coffee Break

2010-03-04T16:01:00.000-08:00

From The High Definite -

No One Slept with Mom

2010-02-22T19:01:00.000-08:00

Armand has just returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As he went into the bedroom about 2 a.m., he found his two kids in bed with his wife Karen, apparently scared by the loud storm. He resigned myself to sleeping in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, he talked to his kids, and explained that it was OK to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when he was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After his next trip several weeks later, his wife Karen and the kids picked him up at the airport. Since the plane was late, there was a rather big crowd waiting for its arrival.

As Armand entered the waiting area, his son saw him, and came approached shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As he waved back, Armand asked loudly, "What is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" his son shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at his son, then turned to Karen, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who Mom was.

Spelling to Get to Heaven

2010-02-22T18:55:00.000-08:00

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for St. Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello, how are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When St. Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," he told her.

"Which word?" she asked.

"Love..."

She correctly spelled it, and St. Peter let her in.

About a year later, St. Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," she said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her." I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" he asked.

"Czechoslovakia... "