the girl who sold the world

the last week of my life

2010-10-03T22:39:00.000+11:00

yes, it has been a while since i last blogged. excellent observational skills there. however, something exceptional has happened. so exceptional that i feel compelled to blog about it, rather than just tumbling it. i don't know why tumblr feels like it should contain shorter posts, but there you go.
for the past 3 weeks my mother had been acting strange. she told me repeatedly to keep the second week of the holidays free, to try not to work and get all my work done in the first week of our holidays. i explained patiently that i was in year 12 and that constant study was obligatory, but she was not convinced.
at the same time, michaela was being weird about our postal service. "you'll get your present on saturday" she said. "oh no, we don't get mail on saturday" i reminded her, but she insisted "i'll text you on saturday when you get your present".
i was confused.
last saturday, cole and katie had spent the night and cole eventually left around 4pm to go to church.
i went to my room and studied until 9pm, sulking more and more as the evening progressed until i eventually got called downstairs by my parents. to my disgust, mum just wanted to ask me if i was studying hard. "YES MUM. STUDYING HARD UNTIL YOU CALL ME DOWNSTAIRS".
then rebecca, my little sister, came in and told me to answer the front door. my response was something of a frustrated groan and a "answer your own door", but i did it.
through the weird artistic glass pattern i could see someone small and blonde. i wouldn't have suspected, but katie and cole had discussed at length what my "surprise" could have been the night before, and the possibility of michaela coming to visit had been discussed.
so i opened the door, and there before me stood my tiny blonde beautiful amazing wonderful best friend, having flown from New Zealand just to visit me. the oh-so-eloquent first words out of my mouth

"what the fuck".

and so commenced the greatest week of holidays i have ever had.
for 7 days we walked, shopped, talked, laughed and ate. michaela was everything i could have hoped she would be, and then some.
oh and we got friendship lockets. yes, we are 10 years old.
oh and we camwhored

she left yesterday evening. i'm going to see her in 7 weeks and 3 days. i'm fucking excited. michaela coney is the greatest ever. i wish you could all have met her but we ran out of time so fast D:

i've been looking for this website for months~

2010-08-24T23:40:00.000+10:00

and i just "Stumble Upon" -ed it.
If you don't use Stumble, you should really invest. You know when you're bored on the internet with nothing to do but you don't want to be offline because there's nothing else to do there either and you know there are interesting things online if only you knew where to look?
That's where StumbleUpon comes in. You sign up, put in your interests and over time as you Stumble Upon websites, you "like" or "dislike" the pages provided so the site gets an idea of the kind of thing you're looking for.
And i just found this!
Musicovery
yay!
Also, the stumble thing is here, just...if you wanted to know.

They should pay me for this stuff...

dorothy's caught in the hurricane

2010-08-05T17:54:00.001+10:00

nice title hey?

i can see you drowning.
and i don't know how to save you. i don't know what to do other than being around and not dumping my problems on you (huge fail there) and making you smile. even that isn't right. i don't know. sorry.

you make the people you care about feel exceptional. i don't know if you realise, but you do and it's such a gift.
such a gift.

i'm really angry, actually.

how dare you, just how dare you think you can say shit like that about her and it won't have any impact.
if you really love her like you say you do, you'll do your best to understand and get by like the rest of us.
and you'll make some allowances and understand that she's doing the best she can. we all are. sure it's frustrating and upsetting and it can make you mad; but why would you take it out on her? she's no more in control than the rest of us. that's the whole issue.
maybe its just your stupid boy way to freak out by lashing out, but you have to be more careful. she's so precious and if you understood you'd realise how fragile happiness can be.
why would you do something to ruin it intentionally like that? you should pay attention to what she says and realise that your anger isn't going to fix her. it doesn't work llike that. it's not going to snap her out of it when you go about it like this, it's just being mean and petty.
nobody likes being unhappy, it doesn't make people happy. if it did they wouldn't be...unhappy.
hypocritical as it may be for me to judge you for judging her so harshly, i don't care.
i swear to god, if she breaks i will never forgive you all for being so stubbornly convinced of your righteousness.
i don't even know you and i'm judging you. for that, i'm sorry. i have nothing against you, but i disapprove so very very much.

-in here there was a whole paragraph of everything about you, but actually i don't want to post it here. it's not right, i still can't phrase it right. you're just...i can't even. don't start me. i love you so much, is all-

i love the rain. the past 2 days have been heavenly, despite the cold. it should rain like that all the time.

hold me, wrap me up

2010-07-29T19:20:00.001+10:00

this post was requested, don't feel under any obligation to keep reading just because you follow me. this concerns literally me and one other person and i'd kind of feel better if you didn't all keep reading. intense angsting about to commence.

i don't angst because something is wrong, i angst because i don't know exactly what's wrong except that nothing is right. sorry if that's offensive.

spending time looking at blogs today showed me how okay it is to be open, but i'm still unsure about posting this. too many people follow me that i care about. it makes sense in a twisted way, if you understand at all. i want to ask anyone i know in reality who will judge me for this to just not even read. forget you saw anything.

this is the scariest thing i've done.

i'm much better at acting than i give myself credit for. never once during the past month has anyone asked me what's wrong, and i've never had to explain. i'm not even sure i would know how.

someone wants to know what's so "wrong" about me. no funnies today kids, sorry.

its nothing.

its everything.

i can not stress how much i do not want anyone to read this...but i promised to post. ugh i hate being honest sometimes >:(

i would cheat but i can't.

its not you - whatever you think don't think that. you're all brilliant.

it's me. never good enough. dragging everyone else down. it's my problem, and i'm working on it.

i don't talk about it.

i mean, i talk in small parts about small parts, but i don't draw attention to it if i can avoid it. i am the most honest with katie of everyone, because we're as messy as each other in some ways.

it's pretty bad tonight, i'm this close to just providing my diary link and getting it over with.

i suppose, i'm attracted to people with issues~ for a reason. i feel normal by comparison. they stop me mentioning anything, because my problems are so tiny in comparison. and having friends i can try and fix means i don't focus on myself. i will always come last when someone else needs me. its just the way my mind operates. i spend so much time looking after everyone else that there's simply no time for me, but thats ok.

being around people makes me feel better, but the evenings are always bad. i'm getting scared again, to be honest. the last time i felt like this for more than a hormone-ful night in a row was in year 9/10 and that was pretty shite.

even here, at the most honest i've been in public for a while, i still can't be explicit about it. i won't allow myself.

this is how we became friends, remember? i had a particularly bad night and posted about it looking for i-don't-know-what and you sent me your phone number. it was the kindest thing anyone had done for me, we had hardly ever spoken and yet you were so willing to listen. i don't think i'll ever forget it. i never called, but i decided, then, that we should be friends. i will miss you so much <3

i know that i should "think positive", but it gets exhausting. i'm too tired.

writing makes it better and makes it worse. its hard to explain, but its like stirring up sediment from a pool of water.

if i let it go, i'm ok.

i don't want to make a big deal over what is probably just me. so don't call me attention seeking.

i'm not about to do anything drastic. what's the point?

i just had to put my thoughts on the page, in public for once.

apparently that's the first step, but to what i have no idea.

so now i have.

LOTR related. kinda.

2010-07-28T19:21:00.002+10:00

the one where i get cryptic

2010-07-26T18:00:00.000+10:00

kind of.
formal was super awesome and great and yay win at life! thanks all you non-year 12s for the lovely comments and questions, i can't wait to see yours next year and the year after.
my dress is my baby, i want to wear it everywhere and always.

i honestly have nothing interesting to say here today. tumblr is taking my ability to write and only letting me convey my thoughts and/or feelings in amusing quotes, audio clips, pictures or excerpts of text. cool. follow me, since i can't talk here.
link. follow me.

i adore this band. i will never be ashamed of this fact. the bottom line is, they speak to so many young people, including me. i ache with every fibre of my being to have the eloquence of gerard way.

its important, is all.

i'm not really happy, but i've decided not to publically angst about it (too much). its no big deal, it'll pass. it always has before. i can't cope with people i know in real life reading my blog and passing judgement on my feelings, so i write them somewhere nobody has the link to except katie.

i think im getting a migraine. waaaaah!

An Ode, to the People's Drink

2010-07-25T01:44:00.000+10:00

Its almost 2am and I feel that I should be drunk while doing this. Alas, I am not. But here it is anyway:
An Ode to the People's Drink

I'm truly lost for words. Oh humble goon bag, you were the People's Drink. Your life was dedicated to intoxicating us, and you died a valiant death in an attempt to fulfill your duty. Although "the People's Drink is bad for the People", this is only true of some people. Namely: lightweights.

You undertook your task with a sense of courage and spirit which is truly admirable. I hope that in the future we may meet under the scarlet banner of the hammer and sickle; and revel in the splendour of sharing you with all the People.

Until then my comrade, I bid thee; adieu.
RIP People's Drink. 23/07/10-24/07/10 (in the very early hours)

blog where i talk about people i love. finally.

2010-07-13T17:51:00.001+10:00

i'm getting a little bit worried. just in general. nothing too big, nothing too angsty. small things though, are starting to pile up. i'll have to pay closer attention. i'm not being cryptic. i just don't want to make a big deal out of nothing. if something comes of it you'll be the first to know, and if not then no harm done.

i want to believe this again. i'm the biggest hopeless romantic in the book, but nothing i've come across has done much to make me believe it recently. except michaela and david. thats cute.

cold faith is hard to maintain, i'm doing my best. i want it so badly.

i love you all so much at the moment. i'm really emotional and rubbish at really talking seriously about how i feel. i throw 'i love you' around like nothing else, but i really do love you. i'm not sure when or why i realised how much i enjoy you in my life so much, but i'm glad i did. this would be so different without you :)

this could nearly be me! its not though...more's the pity i guess. i love clothes and makeup and jewellery so much at the moment, its making my year 12 suffer alot. i just need to get rich and then i'll get a new wardrobe.

you're the best. thats it. i don't know why it took me so long to realise and appreciate you, but i'm glad i did. so glad. you're a really good person even if you won't acknowledge it. so many of us can't be wrong. you're becoming an incredible person, and (as i said) if you act a bit arrogant or douchey sometimes, thats ok. you're worth the wait. i love knowing that i have you now, finally. it would be such a waste of my first friendship here if we'd let it go. you're my fave. lets stay friends now please. you're becoming that person that i talk about and describe as "if you were really good friends with your siblings", but actually you'd never want to be related because that would ruin the whole point. you're an amazing boy and i love you a lot and i hope you're happy.

we're twins. you get me. i wish we were closer, to be honest. i know, wtf at me! twins being closer? but its true, isn't it? maybe its just me. maybe i'm totally wrong and you're reading this in confusion. it's my paranoia. you're an incredibly beautiful person even if you don't see it, and thats why people are so drawn to you. you make us feel important and special and worth your time and thats the best thing you could do for me. we're more alike than you even realise i think, but thats a story for another time. i'm actually terrified of losing you next year, i'm not afraid of not coping, but i'm afraid of not getting you back. i think you'll realise how much better you are and then you'll realise you can have better friends and you don't want me or need me and i'll be a little bit lost. i'm not exaggerating when i say you're instrumental in my life. i wouldn't be coping with this year.

and you, all of you. this is a collective post because i don't have the time or the words to express how important you are to me. if you think this might be about you then it is. thankyou for putting up with me (sorry this is a bit angsty) and being my friends. i love you too.

the power of words never ceases to amaze me. also, really genuinely don't read this

2010-06-30T21:42:00.000+10:00

the strength of a memory of a time or place or a feeling. that it can be so wrapped up in the arrangement of words in a particular context. i read this and suddenly i'm 14 again. whatever has happened since then, pete wentz and that band of boys made an impact in my life. so yeah, everyone following this is going to laugh at me, but i don't care. this was important once, and in a way it still is. the time and the place are gone, but this reminds me of the network i became a part of in early '07 and how much they still mean to me. boardies are forever.

“Here’s to the kids.
The kids who would rather spend their night with a bottle of coke & Patrick or Sonny playing on their headphones than go to some vomit-stained high school party.

Here’s to the kids whose 11:11 wish was wasted on one person who will never be there for them.

Here’s to the kids whose idea of a good night is sitting on the hood of a car, watching the stars.

Here’s to the kids who never were too good at life, but still were wicked cool.

Here’s to the kids who listened to Fall Out boy and Hawthorne Heights before they were on MTV…and blame MTV for ruining their life.

Here’s to the kids who care more about the music than the haircuts.

Here’s to the kids who have crushes on a stupid lush.

Here’s to the kids who hum “A Little Less 16 Candles, A Little More Touch Me” when they’re stuck home, dateless, on a Saturday night.

Here’s to the kids who have ever had a broken heart from someone who didn’t even know they existed.

Here’s to the kids who have read The Perks of Being a Wallflower & didn’t feel so alone after doing so.

Here’s to the kids who spend their days in photobooths with their best friend(s).

Here’s to the kids who are straight up smartasses & just don’t care.

Here’s to the kids who speak their mind.

Here’s to the kids who consider screamo their lullaby for going to sleep.

Here’s to the kids who second guess themselves on everything they do.

Here’s to the kids who will never have 100 percent confidence in anything they do, and to the kids who are okay with that.

Here’s to the kids.

This one’s not for the kids,

who always get what they want,

But for the ones who never had it at all.

It’s not for the ones who never got caught,

But for the ones who always try and fall.

This one’s for the kids who didnt make it,

We were the kids who never made it.

The Overcast girls and the Underdog Boys.

Not for the kids who had all their joys.

This one’s for the kids who never faked it.

We’re the kids who didn’t make it.

They say “Breaking hearts is what we do best,”

And, “We’ll make your heart be ripped of your chest”

The only heart that I broke was mine,

When I got My Hopes up too too high.

We were the kids who didnt make it.

We are the kids who never made it.”

Pete Wentz owns a part of me still, even though he's douchebag extraordanaire these days. There was a time before when he was the reason kids held on.

skins!

2010-06-29T17:53:00.000+10:00

Cook. oh Cook.

you're so attractive. i died a little inside when Chris died. oh haha my finger just slipped and i wrote Christ. So yeah. Hot.

very very very very very very pretty. she's like a deer or a mouse or something small and delicate looking.

nawwwwwwwwww! this picture pretty much is Skins to me.

YOU CAN'T FOOL US FREDDIE/LUKE.

An Open Letter

2010-06-28T15:56:00.001+10:00

I recommend you all try it, its incredibly therapeutic and hypothetically the person its directed at could read it. I have a few.

Dear #1,
I want you to be happy so badly. When you think nobody is looking you look so confused and solemn and sad that it breaks my heart. I'm not close enough to you to be a confidante; but I wish I was. I know I make you laugh because I just say whatever comes into my mind and because your humour is to make fun of everyone and mine is to make fun of myself; so we appreciate each other.
Please be happy. Cool. Thanks.
Love Aisling

Dear #2,
I love you but you drive me mad. I can't say anymore or everyone will know who I'm talking about.
Love (because I do love you, whatever else happens) Aisling

Dear entire universe,
Stop making people I care about hurt. I'd really appreciate it. Kthx.
Sincerely, Aisling.

Dear #3,
I can't stand you, quite frankly. I have no interest in you being a part of my life. I just wish we weren't so closely linked so I could escape from you. Everything about you disgusts me. Get over yourself and grow up. Nobody cares anymore.

See! Therapy! Its great!

intense week.

2010-06-26T17:27:00.000+10:00

Crazy gunman at the MCG. He was caught, don't freak out. But the thing I found entertaining was that immediately there was a police search for a "man of dark complexion and dark hair; of spanish or middle eastern appearance". That would all be ok but then I saw in the mX on Tuesday that in fact that gunman hadn't been a man of dark complexion at all! It was a little white boy previously convicted of petty theft etc.
Australia: land of the racist. Good one.
Julia Gillard, PM. Despite the fact that her name can't be shortened to something as catchy as 'KRudd' (Kevin Rudd, former Prime Minister); I'm really excited and interested to see what she does. First woman. I have many frustrations with regard to the Generation Y attitude to politics in Australia; I won't go into it here. Just thinking about it makes me want to go all Incredible Hulk on yo' ass.
End of Term 2. A term ending has never come so slowly. I genuinely thought I was going to lose my sanity before Term 2 ended.

Lame blog post is lame; sorry guys. I'm really sleepy. Despite what it may sound like, I am REALLY REALLY SUPER OVER EXCITED about J.Gill ruling the country. I like her. As politicians go, she's ok.

I'm out. Bedtime me thinks.

i'm taking control

2010-06-20T16:38:00.000+10:00

i've come to the decision that this crush has lasted far too long and is far too intense for its own good. its becoming one of those annoying attention seeking crushes that constrict breathing a bit and it thinks that its more important than ~just a crush. so thats enough. i am ending it as of now. and i don't care whether he has facebook or not; or i do care but in a purely friendly 'i add everyone my age who works with me' way.

super

smells like nom

2010-06-15T20:42:00.002+10:00

my hair smells like cordial.
word.

funnies

2010-06-14T16:18:00.000+10:00

dramatic reading of a breakup letter

oh my gosh, the lols just keep coming.
thats it for now actually.

next years birthday cake

2010-06-12T22:15:00.000+10:00

i'll be in england, it'll be easy. everyone is doctor who in england

YES PLEASE

happy birthday to me!

2010-06-12T18:45:00.000+10:00

its my 18th birthday today. i'm too lazy to make a list of things i got. i'll do it tomorrow. for now; pretty things i want

I really like 50s-esque house-wifey dresses right now.

all these are from modcloth which is American, so all the prices will be in US dollars.

can you promise me; if this was right, don't throw it all away

2010-06-08T16:56:00.000+10:00

be more attractive ? i dare you.

i cut my hair

2010-06-01T19:29:00.000+10:00

this is what i do when i study

2010-05-29T14:26:00.000+10:00

lets all just enjoy my new leggings and not get too carried away with the being overwhelmed. i quite like them.

i love channel v tonight

2010-05-28T19:56:00.000+10:00

they're doing a nostaliga top-20-of-1999 hour and OMG WOW I LOVE ITTT

so far i've heard

genie in a bottle - xtina (before she was dirrrrty and then all ~screen siren and now wannabe gaga)

praise you - fatboy slim (cant go wrong there)

AND NOW ITS THE BAD TOUCH BY THE BLOODHOUND GANG

this man is the reason for my existance. only not really, but i do love bbc drama mystery shows that he specialises in. you know the type, he's always the emotionally crippled but good at heart cop who was abandoned at birth and then by his friends and then by his wife and then he was accused wrongly of somethign so he has to redeem himself while solving a case nobody else bothers with and everytime he encounters death he considers just letting himself die and he doesnt sleep and hes afraid of sunlight and he sometimes sits in the middle of the night with a gun/pills/both at the table and contemplates suicide.

and he probably meets a hot girl who sees past his grizzled exterior and learns to love him despite him being roughly the age of her father.

so maybe i exaggerated a little, and i sound like im being a bitch about them - but its just true AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH .

"yours is bigger than mine!" "lets not go there..."

2010-05-28T19:13:00.000+10:00

2010-05-26T19:46:00.000+10:00

i bought 2 cameras today

how indie

one of them had a roll of film in it thats been all used up.
im going to get it developed and see whats on it

even more indie

maybe i'll make a collage out of it? *

WOAH. BRAIN EXPLODED. INDIE QUOTA REACHED. ABORT MISSION.

* this was a joke. the rest is true.

im a very angsty child

2010-05-25T18:03:00.000+10:00

ive decided to share this with you dear readers. because i said before that i wanted to use this more as a journal type blog, and as of now im going to act upon it.
consider yourselves warned.
if you keep reading its on your back when you want to shout at me afterwards

dont get freaked out, im not going to get all heavy, this isn't the place.

i'm really happy with where i am friends-wise right now. i've had some issues for close to a year, issues that i just ignored and told myself to get over until a couple of months ago. now though; i've moved away from one group quite significantly (but somehow haven't offended them by doing so), and i've befriended many more people. one or two in particular mean alot to me.
i can't wait for next year. i love melbourne, but i'm anxious to see the rest of the world. going to paris was possibly the worst possible thing for me, i have the travel bug now.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuu- and im going to fail school
get offline!
get offline!
now!
going!
gone...

Listening to: Waiting Up - Remember Maine

i am intensely skilled at what the french call "le procrastinating"

2010-05-19T21:30:00.001+10:00

life is vaire boring and i am vaire bored.

school is overrated

life is dull.

i'm too young to see Naboo the Enigma.

when life's got you down, its time for FUNNY PICTURES!

sucks if you saw/follow my tumblr since i'm just posting the same photos again.

THEY STILL MAKE ME LAUGH

this is a real and legitimate statistic.

only a child of the interwebz could possibly comprehend the sheer genius of these pictorials.

ps. i bought tartan stockings. i know. im an indie revolutionary. so sue me.