Beautiful Disaster

Love Broken

2014-03-06T01:41:00.000-08:00

Well I have to day that I never thought that this would happen to us the way that it has. I left both heart broken and relieved that we will no longer hurt one another. Let me rephrase that I am very heart broken about losing you, I thought that you would be the one that

2014-03-06T01:40:00.000-08:00

I don't know why it is that I think of you the way that I do. There is something about you that makes me smile, makes me think, makes me wonder...I over think everything in my daily life. You have pointed that out to me more then once. You ask why I question you, you can't believe that I would do such a thing. After all the terrible things I invited you to know about me and my life you held against me in everyway possible.
Why would I think that with me anything would be different? How dumb I must be to think that there wouldn't be a side girl like I once was. I know better than all this and yet here I am in the same spot that she was in not that long ago.

It's so hard to let go of the disappointment ...

2014-03-06T01:39:00.001-08:00

You caught me off guard...i would have liked to have had more words with you. But what would I have said to you? Not even sure, but would anything I say actually matter to you? I guess I will never understand your mind, but that is how you like it right?!? Do people dirty before they do you...every guy I know that does dope has the same mind set as the other. Give just enough of yourself to gain that trust but never give your true self. Everything has a purpose, every action a reason...and all bogus bullshit. The game that is played against each of you between yourself already knowing that the outcome is always be the same. It isn't like I'm a complete fool...it's not my first rodeo. Dope fucks up everything it comes in contact with; no matter what lie we try to tell ourselves and everyone around us. I wear my heart out on my sleeve, I will never understand it after all the fucked up shit that I have had to go through these last 10-12 years. I am so naive when it comes to believing in love and the words that I put trust in. I do it to my self at least I can admit that and accept it. I think it shows that I still have my soul, I haven't sold it to the devil like everyone else. I go out of my way to make sure that the ones that I feel close in my heart are as happy as I can help make them...that I will never change, it is who I am. I must love to feel all this hurt, what other explanations is there? I'm not comparing you to anyone else, but all actions are the same in the end and I'm the only one standing alone, because that is all I have. I can depend on no one to keep me safe, to be true to their word, to be a man. I am very disappointed in myself for getting high this time out...I didn't want to and I hope to god that I'm the only one that will deal with it. But I am not going to allow you to be fake as fuck to my face when you show everyone who you really are...I'm not blaming anyone but me for this. One day I hope I will be happy like I deserve to be, when I don't have to stand alone, it wont be a game between friends to see who wins the prize, see who gets fucked harder in the end. I am a complete bitch no doubt but my heart doesn't always have the same thought in mind I'm more hurt at the fact that we were friends first and have been around to help us through a difficult time in our lives without fearing judgment. That's what hurts...I've learned not to let "open relationships" bother me, its the dope that makes it that way, doesn't mean that I'm "really okay with it" it just means that there is nothing I can do to change it, and it's so hard to let go of the disappointment of being only "that good" for someone who really had a spot in my heart...but I'm not anywhere close to being like everyone else and I'm okay with that...

Understand Me

2013-01-08T22:04:00.000-08:00

Have you sat and tried to understand how I feel? Do you care about how I feel ever, what goes on in my head and my heart. You have put me through so much emotional bullshit that I'm afraid to get close to you. I'm scared to death of not being able to survive; with or without you. The things that I have had to deal with, had to go through. I have felt so alone and unwanted, feeling forgotten and abandoned and then having to deal with being locked away for awhile. You have made me forget who I am, made me dependent on you and not myself. However recent events have shown me that I am still alive inside me somewhere I just need to dig deep inside me. I have found little piece of who I am peaking through. Since you have been gone things have changed, I have changed. You have forced me to change my way of thinking, not everyone thinks and feels like I do, I have come to realize the cold hard truth. I don't believe that people ever truly want to shut the world out but it's our nature too these days...I'm just do dam tired of bring the only one with an open mind and not a close narrow one. You tell me one thing and yet didn't really mean any of it, why waste the breaths that you breath?

2013-01-06T03:12:00.002-08:00

2012-05-17T06:35:00.001-07:00

Really you deleted me? I guess i made no impression on you over these last 5 years that you want to remember. I would never want to delete you from my life you were always the one who made me smile, even when I wanted to cry! We have been through much that wouldn't change any of it for the world, even the shitty parts of what we had. You taught me so much and showed me a part of life that I never knew was there. We were always good together, I wish I knew how it all got so fucked up with us, or when. I wish we could start over so that we could save us in the end of all this hell we know as love. Loading you belongings into your car was like I was losing you all over again, I feel like I have lost you so many times, and it gets harder every time never easier! You tell me your hurting but i would never know it from watching you. You never seem to be anything other than happy, it's me how is a wreck inside and out! I'm always the one who is left heart broken and alone, standing and barely breathing. Wishing that I could stop the pain I get shooting through my chest, wanting to end it all for good. Death seems like it would bring so much peace to my soul, it sounds almost inviting...

2012-02-08T19:41:00.000-08:00

I feel us drifting more apart as the days go on...my heart is slowly stopping it's beat. I don't know where to turn these days, I don't feel that I can turn to you. That makes me sad, that I feel this way. The love that we once shared is gone, maybe the question I should be asking myself is "was the love ever really there"? I want to believe that once upon a time there was more love than I could ask for but today I don't think I could say that. It doesn't make much sense I know, to me especially. I feel like im on a downward spiral to my death in so many ways. How can I find my way back to a time that I was happy, to a time when I could trust in you not to hurt me. A time when the game wasn't who could hurt who the most and the quickest. I hate how my life has turned out this is not how I planned to live my life. I blame myself for being where im at today, no one but me allowed this shit to happen. But your not off the hook, I do blame you for a small part; which part im not sure of...but I know that i miss you and I wish I didn't...

2011-12-26T22:16:00.000-08:00

I cannot breath without you because I love you. I can only dram of you because I only think of you, you are my reality, my only truth. I'm tired of being strong and not being able to shed a tear. I'm tired of always watching you turn your back and walk away, we are stronger than all that. You always let everyone get in the way, make something out of nothing. I don't understand why it is that you want out so badly, it is because I want to have friends so I don't feel alone like I do. To me the only way that I seem to get your attention is if I am talking to someone you don't approve of...these days that is anyone. I feel that you no longer look for the good in me, your too busy looking for the bad. I try and try to make sense of it but I am driving myself crazy in the process. I love you so much and I hate what we have become, we made it through so much to only end it like this. It doesn't seem fair to me to have had to go through so much pain already to have to go through it all over again! I'm tired of not letting my tears fall and I'm tired of watching you walk away...I don't want to lose you all over again but I still don't know how to stop you...

2011-08-28T20:22:00.000-07:00

It has been so long since I have felt your skin brush against mine and I realize that I miss that feeling. There has been so much hurt and so much anger that I'm not sure if I can forgive everything. What happened to us, how did everything fall apart like it did? I hate that I love you but I love that I hate you, does that make any sense...nothing makes much sense anymore. I miss the butterfly feeling I used to get in my tummy when I would see you walk into the room or when my phone would ring. The days when we couldn't stand being apart from each other long enough to go to work for the day, remember those days? I do, I don't want to forget them...EVER! I know I won't forget them because I don't feel that our time together has ended completely, although I'm unsure of what that statement truly means. We still have a long road ahead but I think I'm willing to take it one day at a time.

2011-08-20T01:18:00.000-07:00

I can only do my best to try and express how much you are truly missed
Sitting here away from you, with thoughts of when we first met
I try to do my best but it seems to do no good.
Just do me a favor when the sun first rises - sit back and think of me.
If you would, I miss you like you could never imagine
I wish you could be apart of me.
Just listen to my words and one day you will surly see, that one day you are meant for me.
I put my heart into these rhymes, for it's not just me here doing time.
Just know time will pass and we will soon be together again
Trust and believe were now here near our end.
It won't be much longer just a little while more
So do me a favor and whenever I cross your mind think of me and smile,,,

Bullshit

2011-08-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

Everything she felt in her heart

All the faith that she had in him, the trust and the love between them

All that she was, all she knew was shattered like that of a window in a storm

Pulled out from beneath her

All the words that were spoken, words that meant nothing to him

The words she so desperately wanted to hear him say --

The promises she both needed and wanted him to keep

The trust she put in him; when she knew she shouldn't

To believe that things could be different

That the hurt and deception would fade

The resentment would disappear -- love would concur

That the truth would all come out and cause no harm

Because she was always honest with him in the end and she felt she deserved the same

First Love Gone Wrong

2011-08-13T11:45:00.000-07:00

I can remember how the two of you met

A lady in trouble and the man who was willing to help

The two of you grew close as time went by

You fell in love for the first time

The feeling was amazing

How his look would make your heart jump

The butterflies that would flutter when he said "I Love You"

Dreaming of the future you may have together

Never thinking that you two would part

Never doubting his love for you

You never dreamed you'd ever part

Never considering he would break you heart

Until one day everything changed

He betrayed the love you shared for one another

The pain you felt when he told you

Your heart being crushed

How could he have done something so awful

You thought he would love you forever

But his one mistake changed everything

The love you had for him was now gone

Alone and upset

The only question was what next

Feeling that you could never go back

But wanting him to comfort the pain that he caused

And not wanting to see him ever again

Wanting him to leave the planet

Your heart broken by losing your first love

Wondering if it will ever heal

Will you find love again

The answer is yes

Your heart will mend and I promise you will find love again.

A Heart's Beat

2011-08-13T11:35:00.002-07:00

Torn between two hearts; the one that beats in my chest and the one that beats in his
A choice that must be made...the wrong one could end the hearts beat
The man that I'm so deeply in love with or that of a man who I have no choice but to love
Living in fear that the wrong choice may cause death
Death to the beating heart that fills us both with life
This man who I feel obligated to love is a powerful leader who with one word can stop your beating heart
He does not fight his own battles, they are fought for him by those sent to install fear
He thinks only of himself unless he somehow benefits

To love him would be a loyal choice for a beating heart

The man that I am drawn too...love
A protector to all, a fighter to death
Compassion that my soul thrives on for life
Drawn to each other by mistake, forbidden to love thee
I cannot be the cause of his death, but yet I cannot stand to be without him
A man risking his life for me; to touch me...be near me
Was committed to saving me from a life of sadness has also condemned me to a life full of despair
Does his heart still beat without mine
Has he chosen to be gone forever

Will we one day be united as one heart that beats for two

My choice is to him
Chosen to lie dead beside my protector who fought until death
Who my soul thrives on for life

One beating heart is all we need

Looking Down: A Poem

2011-08-13T11:35:00.000-07:00

You know that I love you,

That I never wanted to leave your side and be alone

I trusted in you and the love we shared; trusted our love when I knew I shouldn't have

Knowing that in the end you would hurt me when you said you wouldn't

I am lost about you, about the love that we share

As I look up at the stars I realize this is my last chance of happiness

I would bleed myself for you just to have your heart

I am losing my soul, all that I am as I search for you

You are in a place I cannot find until I have been chosen, for you are a love looking down

All I am left with is the memories of the happy times we once shared

I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive the way I am coping

I never saw such a tragic ending for either of us

I keep looking back, did I miss something

Anything that would have told me to never leave your side

I partially blame myself for what has happened

If only I would have fought harder for your heart than maybe you would still be here

Instead I look up at the stars and image you are looking down on me

You know that you will always have a place in my heart...you will not be forgotten

As hard as it has been time has eased the pain, and eventually it will fade

http://contributor.yahoo.com/user/532430/cassandra_parodi.html

Damaged Goods A Tragedy Changes Everything; You May Be Surrounded by Many but Are Facing it Alone

2011-08-13T11:34:00.001-07:00

I know all the words, but I can't really speak them to you
I hide all the pain that I've gained with all the wisdom...from you
I'm eaten alive by what I hold inside myself
All the things that I live with are not easily seen by anyone
Nothing to live for...but you
It's not easy to hide all this damage I keep hidden deep inside
I'll carry it with me always, until I am no longer breathing
You look at my face, does it seem just as ugly...to you
I can't seem to erase all the scars that I live with everyday
I'm so sick of this place I can taste it in my mouth
I love you and I can't figure out why I do
I'm left with nothing
Nothing to live for, no reason to breath...but you
It's not easy to hide all the damage inside

I'll carry it with me until I am no longer alive

Such a cancer as it eats at me
Everything that is beautiful is no longer
All that I am is everyone that I hate
The love has taken everything away that I so desperately need

Can't breath you out of the mind that is driving me closer to the end

Surrounded by Darkness...I can no longer catch my breath

2011-08-13T11:33:00.001-07:00

Life as I know it is damp and cold
It is hard to catch my breath
For I feel that I have lost my soul, my will
To live or to die is not a question of faith
But a choice that will ultimately change everything that could be
As I fall to the depths of the ocean
I struggle to find what is left inside myself
Not knowing which way is up
Not knowing if I have the strength to go on
Feeling alone and afraid as I hide from the world that surrounds me
Not wanting to be seen as tears trickle down my checks
I make believe that nothing is wrong until I'm crying
Trying to imagine my life without you being a part of it
I know that I cannot go on
Seeing you so happy makes me feel so hurt and angry
Seeing you unhappy makes me hurt and angry
I am an emotional roller coaster
Having no way of knowing when I will be up or when I will be down
Questioning all and trusting nothing
As I surrender myself to darkness
I rediscover my true happiness

I can now catch my breath no longer feeling lost

Sorrow in the Heart

2011-08-13T11:06:00.000-07:00

He turned his back on his promise; stopped keeping his word

She did not understand what had changed - why this was happening to her

She thought about all that she did for him

Had it not been enough; was she not good enough

The confusion turned to depression and to sadness

She hated what her heart felt; all the pain he caused her

She did not hate him; she hated only herself

She could not bring herself to get out of bed each day

She had a feeling of despairevery timehe left

Every timeshe heard the door slam shut; a part of her slammed shut

Crying all the time she felt so alone

All the sorrow that flowed through her heart; all the hurt feelings

She wanted a way out; to feel no more pain

One night he took off without knowing if he would return

She reached for the bottle to end all the sorrow

To stop the nightmare of being alone and always wondering that he moved on and found someone new

http://contributor.yahoo.com/user/532430/cassandra_parodi.html

2010-07-10T10:28:00.000-07:00

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of
control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my
worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." — Marilyn
Monroe

What happened To Us

2010-04-09T17:03:00.000-07:00

All I want is for you to love me as I do you! It's not a hard thing, being in love. I do all that I can to show you how I feel but you make it so hard to do when your not around or when your off in your own little world and I'm left behind to be alone. You never can see those things, you don't see what you do to me, you don't see that you are the cause of why we are so unhappy. Your always telling me that I'm the negative one...when really I'm the one fighting to save us! I'm fighting for the love that I have for you and your always ready to walk away and pretend that you don't care. It must be so easy for you to push me away rather than being a grown up. It hurts knowing that after everything we have been going through these past 6 months that you still act like this.

2010-01-28T04:17:00.001-08:00

2010-01-07T05:05:00.001-08:00

I want someone who wants to be near me,
To whisper in my ear
To hold my hand
To put my hair back behind my ear when it falls in my eyes
To wrap me in his arms and tell me he loves me
I want someone I know will always be here
To pick me up when I fall and not kick me when I'm down

2010-01-07T05:04:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry
that I bought you roses
to tell you that I like you. I'm sorry
that I am actually nice;
not a bitch.
I'm sorry
for relying on you.
I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of at a bar.
I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you than just screw you
like some random girl.
I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date.
I'm sorry
I'm not good enough for you to listen to me when I need a friend.
I'm sorry
if I start not being there
because it hurts being used as a doormat
I'm sorry
if I don't answer my phone anymore when you call,

I'm sorry
that you can't realize..
I've been the one all along.
...but most of all,
I'm sorry
for not being sorry anymore.
I'm sorry
that you can't accept me for who I am.
I'm sorry
I can never do anything right,
and nothing that I do is good enough
to make it in your world.
I'm sorry
that I told you I loved you and actually meant it.
I'm sorry
for calming you down and taking care of you all those times
even after you screamed and yelled at me telling me
you were gonna kick my ass
I'm sorry for watching out for you
and making sure all is ok
I'm sorry
that I cared.
I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night,
talking about how you wish you could have done something different.
I'm sorry
for everything

Where have you gone

2010-01-07T05:03:00.000-08:00

I really don't like it when we fight, you think that I do. I don't like feeling like this all the time. I don't need you to full fill my life but I do need you. I don't feel that's it's asking to much to have your full attention with no interruptions. You are living two separate lives and your slowly disconnecting from ours. I don't want to lose you and I don't want to hate you either. I want there to be trust and understanding, love and no heart ache. I'm not here for any other reason other that you and your heart. I wish you would believe in me that much, I would never do you wrong like everyone else. I have never left your side, leaving you alone. I said that I would be here no matter what happens and I always mean what I say!
You always keep me in the dark. I remember when you told me everything that was on your mind. We had no secrets, now it's only lies. I feel like an outsider looking in on someone who has pulled away. Who gave up long ago.
You make me feel like I'm don't belong in your world. You are so different now and you don't see it. Your blinded by what the scum feed you. Instead of being the man who took my heart so long ago, you have become a person I don't know. It's not hard to love someone, it's hard to hurt someone! Will you ever be able to understand what goes through my mind? To see where I'm coming from, be in my shoes. Always waiting for someone who always walks away. Never taking part of the blame and never wanting to mend the pain.
I shouldn't have to do this alone...feel like I feel...what has become of the one who has my heart?

Love is a Verb

2010-01-05T16:58:00.000-08:00

Love is a verb,
So make your words.. and actions match.. the feelings of your heart
If you love me
Tell me, show me, love me

I’m scare..d to fall in love.

I expect you to be the
Last one to love me in return.

If I could.. just have one wish
I would.. wish to wake up every..day
To the feeling of your breath on my neck,
The warmth of your lips on my check..,
The touch.. of your fingers on my skin,
And the feeling of your heart.. beating with mine…
Knowing that I could.. never.. find that feeling
With anyone other.. than you.