A Journey to Remember...

Why, Perhaps

2023-02-23T11:09:00.000+08:00

Dear love, perhaps you wonder why…

Why did I act in ways I'd never try

Why did I let go of all that I once held dear

Why did I not fear judgment or sneer

Oh love, you asked me why

Why I take chances I'd never dare

Why I no longer feel the need to compare

Why I choose to live my life this rare

Perhaps I was always reckless with my heart

Perhaps I wasn't brave, right from the start

Perhaps I thought my sufferings made me tough

Perhaps I felt like I had enough

Perhaps you didn't know me back then

Perhaps I'm different now, from way back when

Perhaps I've come to embrace the unknown

And I'm not afraid to be on my own

Perhaps I've realized that time is fleeting

And there's no point in retreating

Perhaps it's time to listen to my heart

And let it guide me to where I should start

Perhaps I'm no longer the person you knew

But a phoenix rising from ashes, anew

Perhaps I don't know why I'm this way

Perhaps I'll figure it out, some day

My love, perhaps we’ll never understand

Perhaps it's the journey, not the end

Perhaps it doesn't matter anyway

Perhaps I just wanted to savour my life now...my way.

~ Inspired 6 years later, today…

Apa anda perlu tahu sebelum LASIK mata anda?

2021-04-15T19:26:00.009+08:00

Intipati e-book ini adalah gabungan maklumat awam berkenaan prosedur LASIK dan coretan pengalaman peribadi penulis sebagai salah seorang pesakit yang telah melalui prosedur LASIK beberapa tahun yang lalu. Pada ketika itu, maklumat berkenaan apa itu LASIK dan persediaan ke arahnya adalah agak kurang berbanding sekarang. Coretan pengalaman penulis di dalam e-book ini diharap dapat memberi nilai tambah ke atas maklumat berkenaan prosedur LASIK yang sedia ada kini. Penulis juga berpandangan, pengalaman melalui prosedur LASIK dan proses pemulihan selepas itu adalah wajar dikongsi kepada semua sebagai salah satu panduan penting dalam membuat keputusan sama ada untuk melakukan pembedahan LASIK.

Anda boleh dapatkan e-Book saya *Hidup tanpa Kaca Mata: Peluang Kedua dengan LASIK* (Product Code EA2631) kini telah berada di pasaran dan boleh dibeli melalui medium Lawkingdom Bookstore 📚 di pautan berikut:

http://www.lawkingdom.net/N_ShowDetails.aspx?qBookID=EA2631

Saya doakan semoga semua pembaca e-book ini memperolehi sepenuh manfaat daripadanya, Insya Allah.

Politik Pejabat - Pembuli Berilmu

2020-12-31T11:21:00.001+08:00

Mendengar luahan hati dan perasaan sahabat-sahabat yang dibuli di tempat kerja adalah pengalaman menginsafkan. Insaf, kerana selepas perasaan terkejut, marah bercampur geram berlalu, timbul kesedaran bila mengenangkan bagaimana orang-orang yang dikatakan berpelajaran tinggi ini rupanya tidak semuanya berada di bawah ihsan Allah dalam bekerja. Mereka melakukan pelbagai perkara yang tidak masuk dek akal terhadap rakan-rakan sekerja yang juga orang-orang berilmu hanya atas nama memenuhi KPI. Itu tidak termasuk lagi yang dengki khianat terhadap kejayaan orang lain dan menjalankan pelbagai kempen termasuk fitnah untuk menjatuhkan mereka. Ada yang terpaksa mengambil cuti panjang kerana hampir kemurungan, dan ada yang memang sudah disahkan kemurungan. Ada yang memohon berpindah lokasi tempat berkerja dan ada yang bersara lebih awal. Ada yang sampai sudah putus asa dan tunggu mereput sahaja, tidak lagi mahu melakukan apa-apa untuk organisasi.

'Pembuli berilmu' ini mempunyai kriteria (bukan syarat) yang seakan-akan sama sahaja di mana-mana. Mereka mempunyai keterampilan dan gaya 'memukau', bijak berkata-kata dan licik mengambil kesempatan terhadap orang lain tanpa rasa bersalah, segan atau silu. Mereka ini juga kebanyakannya 'tong kosong' dan mengalami masalah 'inferiority complex' yang kronik, tetapi tidak mengakuinya atau gagal mengakuinya. Maka mereka gemar berpaut pada kelebihan orang lain, namun jarang sekali mahu berkongsi pencapaian mereka bersama-sama. Dan sekiranya pembuli ini mempunyai kuasa pentadbiran ke atas mereka yang dibuli, akan mereka gunakan kuasa itu untuk menekan staf bawahan tersebut sepenuhnya.

Kalau boleh aku senaraikan semua tingkah laku mereka, pasti satu perkataan sahaja yang bermain di minda - KEJI!

Pembuli juga bijak memilih 'mangsa'. Kebanyakan yang terkena adalah mereka-mereka yang pandai dan rajin membuat kerja tanpa banyak persoalan dan bangkangan. Mereka bukan jenis manusia yang suka mendabik dada, malah gemar membantu dan bekerjasama dengan orang lain. Lumrah orang berilmu yang sebenar, lebih berilmu, lebih lagi mereka merendah diri dan tidak suka berbalah sentiasa. Maka, semuanya merana dalam diam sehingga menggugat kesihatan jiwa dan raga. Diam inilah yang pembuli 'harapkan', diam inilah yang membuat mereka ini lebih bermaharajalela, diam inilah yang menggalakkan budaya surat layang, diam inilah yang membuatkan staf hilang kepercayaan di antara satu sama lain kerana dilagakan oleh pembuli. Bergelumang toksik semuanya.

Maka, apa pilihan kita?

Aku memilih untuk tidak lagi berdiam diri. Aku memilih untuk membangkitkan apa yang terbuku di hati. Aku memilih untuk 'bersuara'. Aku tahu, bukan mudah untuk bersuara. Pembuli tidak akan berubah. Mereka akan terus melakukan pelbagai perkara-perkara untuk menutup pembulian lampau dan terus melakukan pembulian. TYPICAL, bak kata mat saleh! Tapi aku tidak mahu menjadi mangsa lagi dan lagi. Pembuli ini sebenarnya pengecut orangnya. Kerana itu yang dipilih untuk dibuli adalah mereka yang dianggap 'baik' orangnya, jenis yang menurut kata.

Ya, mungkin dahulu aku seperti itu, mungkin juga masih seperti itu. Namun kini, aku tidak lagi relakan pembuli pengecut ini melakukan pembulian ini tanpa mengetahui bahawa setiap langkah mereka kini tidak lagi kebal seperti sebelum ini. Eventually, sooner or later, they must pay for all their misdeeds.

Khalas

Kinder No More

2020-12-30T11:18:00.004+08:00

Sofiyah's first year at a semblance of 'school' comes to an end on the 18th of December. I had high hopes that she will get a lot more from her kinder experience, but alas, it wasn't meant to be due to all the movement control orders. But, no doubt, she will be the only girl who will miss 2020, despite all its limitations. The clever girl, despite being in and out of kinder for only about 4-5 months this year, along with her online classes, had managed to learn how to read well, for both languages, count up to a 100, and got to the basics of her Quranic readings, Alhamdulillah.

Deep down, I felt sorry for her, but there's nothing much I can do about it. According to the rules, for she was born on the first of January, 2015, she needs to be enrolled in a primary school come next year. There's no chance for another kinder joy year for her, but I pray come next year she'll have a much more wholesome experience at her new school, Insya Allah.

Confessions of a Sugar Addict 3

2020-11-14T11:20:00.002+08:00

It has been almost 10 weeks since I started intermittently fasting (IF). This would be my second all-out venture to reduce my weight. The last time I committed to such venture was in 2011. Each time I tried the next time would be post having a child. Not too successful I must say huhu...Post having Umar things worsen. My long year break from teaching may have helped with my sanity but it did not encourage much movement from me. Then PKP hits us all. The rest is history. Post my Merdeka trip sending off Uwais to school at the end of August, I realised how far gone I was. It's time to get back on track before it's too late. I feared my lifestyle that I have fallen into in the past years will lead me to be diabetic. Mama had it. And though she succumbed to cancer, it was her diabetes that made it even harder on her.

So I have decided that I will commit to IF, and after a few weeks I think I would probably do this for the rest of my life. I have stopped almost all sugary drinks (which I wasn't able to before), I started reducing my rice intake as I used to do years back and I have gone back to daily regular walking. I now have more time in the morning to do work and I no longer spent money on breakfast. I ate mostly what I felt like eating, albeit in smaller portion and I basically stopped eating by 6-7 pm till past brunch time the next day. It's not something hard on my schedule or socializing.

The past week though has been rather stressful though. I was afraid my cortisol level will slow down progress. But Alhamdulillah, so far everything is progressing well. A bit on the slow side at times, but that's better than no progress at all. It took me 4 months last time in 2011 to reach my target in my mid-30s, and at my current age, I think this is great progress so far. But the struggle to stay on track is real with so many works staring back at you, not inclusive of your kids rampaging at home due to PKPB 🙄 May we all stay sane till this pandemic is gone.

At the same time, I have been going around motivating others to do the same or at least try to start. Responses vary, of course. But there's one thing I can never help with when a person so clearly in the obese category, and know what needed to be done, but decided against taking any action about it. Lost case, I surrender. And please, don't mock friends struggling to get fit. Don't expect them to be catwalk model in weeks when they have been bogged down under their weight for all their lifetime. It's a long, arduous journey. They need your support, not to be jeered at or made fun of. Please, let us support each other.

I hope to reach my target soon and will be able to maintain it through IF, bi'iznillah. I have another half-way to go. Insya Allah, will be there soon enough 😉

This is me when I started intermittent fasting in early September 2020

This is me after 10 weeks, in mid-November 2020

Frustration

2020-11-12T11:08:00.007+08:00

Malaysia's latest movement control order - PKPB for a whole month which includes school closures has raised my frustration to a whole new level. I am sure I share the same feeling with millions of people out there. My reasons may differ from everyone else - but the sense of frustration remained the same. I am frustrated watching Piya stuck at home unable to finish her kindy syllabus in time for the start of her Primary next year, she has several events lined up but all have gone up in the air now, I am frustrated for Aliyah not being able to experience her post as a school prefect longer, I am frustrated with Luqman who has totally thrown in the towel when it comes to anything to do with online classes, I am frustrated for Uwais who will be distracted to finish his hafazan on track this year, I am frustrated for all the time wasted when they should be learning because I won't have the time to sit with every one of them and the environment and equipment at home may not be sufficient to cater for all of them at the same time.

I felt like I needed to hit someone in the face, but I am not sure who that person should be haha.. Instead, I had opted to work from the office several days a week this time around to preserve my sanity. Kids being kids, when the school was ordered close - everything closes too. They are happy no doubt, but the house is a wreck and every time they see me, they only think of food (Mama = good food) 😂

On top of that, I have my own classes and students to deal with too, all 7 groups and 195 of them. And it's frustrating to see some students unable to go online due to connectivity issues - what more with the monsoon season coming in some parts of Malaysia. So I had to improvise here and there. It's seriously getting on my nerves. But they say it's for everyone's best interest to stay at home. Yes, they said that before too. But we seem to be back at square one now ... maybe even square negative one from the look of things 😏 How frustrating!

Kembara Kasih Merdeka 2020

2020-09-05T12:35:00.007+08:00

4 hari 3 malam lamanya, 1478 km jauhnya, kembara kami kali ini.

Dari Seremban ke Kajang - Kuantan - Dungun - Nilam Puri - Mulong - Besut - Kuantan - Kajang dan hampir 5-6 perhentian lain di antaranya, Alhamdulillah akhirnya kami selamat kembali semula ke sarang 😅

Sesungguhnya tanpa supir ala Schumacher kami, adindaku @nurkhairiah, co supir, bonda saudaraku@haninahosman, dayang underpaid, anakanda Aliyahsyarifah, dan Umar sudah tentu sebagai penyeri dan WhatsApp pompom girls kami sepupu-sepupuku @sykir.h, @millllaaaa97 dan adinda @muizzahnawi, pasti sesi kembara mengiringi Uwais kali ini sekadar satu perjalanan yang panjang, hambar dan meletihkan. (We should do this again, truthfully traveling with no OCD people is always so much fun 😂)

Namun, sebaliknya, Allah izinkan tempoh yang singkat terasa panjang, jarak yang jauh terasa dekat sehingga dapat kami menjejaki saudara mara, sahabat handai yang sekian lama tidak ketemuan. Alhamdulillah, sehingga ketemu lagi Insya Allah di masa akan datang. Terima kasih kerana menyantuni kami 😍

Begitulah, sesungguhnya rezeki Uwais menuntut ilmu di kejauhan ada hikmahnya yang tersendiri. Semoga anakanda kekal istiqamah dan dipermudahkan urusan pembelajarannya. Ameen YRA 😘

One last pose at our Homestay - Tiffana2 Homestay in Besut before we are off to the Maktab

Family Getaway 2020

2020-08-01T09:34:00.031+08:00

It was supposed to be in Langat. But Abah was not well to travel that far, and my sister in law had just had an operation that made it impossible to travel from Kuantan. At one point in time, we were almost thinking of cancelling the whole program. But rezeki - my brother found a more suitable venue 2km from home. So despite missing one family, we held it anyway, Alhamdulillah. This would be our 2nd getaway since Mama passed away. I don't know why we never had it while she was around - probably being around her suffice as a family getaway centre 😄

Anyway, we had fun and the venue - Sharaleil Villa was so close to home that it's a definite bonus for prepping everything for the event. At the end of the day, after checking out, 5 minutes later and we are bonking on our own beds - kepenatan sbb bersukaneka level KBAT dan berendam haha...

Till next trip, Insya Allah....

The villa comes with two 7 bedrooms and 1 kiddy and main pool. Along with good food, nothing else matters 😅. Check out their Facebook if you guys are interested in holding any events there. At 1300-1500 per night, the rate is definitely worth it.

Super Supir

2020-07-25T08:08:00.021+08:00

A lot of people have this misconception that chauffeuring your kids to school is a mundane thankless task. Yes, it's a thankless job, but never mundane. Enter Keyword:->Kids. When you have kids in the equation of any tasks, it will never be mundane. And never ever stress-free either. The most you may hope for is a lesser than usual chauffeuring-stress-level day.

When Covid19 took over our lives and marked the start of the PKP in March, I got an extended leave from chauffeuring the kids to school. It was pure bliss 😅. Hanya seorang supir yang faham perasaannya. However, nothing good ever last forever haha.. Earlier this month, I had to take it back up for Piya is allowed to start kinder and later Aliyah was allowed to start school and Luqman followed suit. So the journey as a Covid19 Super Supir begins.

Being a supir pre Covid19 used to be so stressful. Level stress kerap kali meningkat kepada super saiyan blue. Banyak kali aku jadi naga haha...again hanya seorang supir yang memahami situasi ini. Dalam kes aku, anak-anak bersekolah di lain-lain lokasi, dengan arah pula lain-lain. Di pagi hari kalau seorang terlewat bangun, bertelur dalam bilik air, lambat makan atau tudung tak jadi, maka lambatlah semua orang. Lambat 5 minit sahaja, bertambahlah berpuluh kereta di route yg sama, maka beraturlah aku di semua traffic lights yang ada. Bolehlah mula karaoke dalam kereta 🙊.

Di petang hari di zaman sebelum PKP, tahun sebelum-sebelum ni, kakak balik jam 'x', abang balik jam 'y', adik pulak balik jam 'z'. Adik yg balik jam 'z' tu pulak perlu dikembalikan ke sekolah petang di lokasi 'a' sebelum ambik kakak yg balik jam 'x' di lokasi 'b' dan kembali semula ke lokasi 'a' untuk ambik Abang yg balik jam 'y'. And this is only for Monday. Tuesday till Thursday, all 3 of them have different schedules, again different home time. Haaaa talk about penaakulan mantik sangat jadual balik ni...ada sekali tu aku pernah drive off tapi anak tak masuk kereta lagi haha...sekali tu je la huhu. Ternampak dia kat side mirror 👻. Begitu fokusnya aku nak merempit ke lokasi seterusnya sampai yang nak diambik pulang tak sempat nak masuk kereta lagi. Mana taknya, traffic jam kat sekolah time balik ni mmg bikin hati panas setiap hari, mana boleh tunggu lama-lama 😩.

Itu tak termasuk, parents yang double triple park lagi mcm anak dia sorang je sekolah situ. Elok aku dtg awal, aku jadd lewat jugak sebab kereta aku dah tersekat. Hot hot hot...Then, ada hari anak pulak tak muncul-muncul. Dah satu kerja kena mencari, berpusing sekolah dua tiga kali! Tambah lah hot hot hot! Cuaca pulak tidak membantu. Maka mengalir lava gunung berapi dalam kereta sepanjang balik rumah, jadi kena tadahlah telinga diaorg tu, sebab rupanya dia pegi membeli belah jajan (walaupun sudah dilarang), takpun main tak hengat dunia (sebab kita terlambat sampai). Plus, bila aku ada kelas petang, aku sememangnya dah on tumbuh tanduk mode! Beware! Alhamdulillah, anak-anak pun maklum kalau aku jadi naga - jawabnya diam sahaja - tapi kenalah jawab bila aku tanya haha...

Schooling during a pandemic comes with different sets of problems. Masks have become part of their uniform, like a jacket during winter. Once, Aliyah forgot to bring hers, so on the way to school have to make a detour to 7 Eleven to buy them. Jadi satu kerja la pulak, nasib pagi-pagi sejuk so naga kedinginan huhu... Mind you, yang lain tetap sama - perangai parents yg suka triple park dan lepak kat sekolah masih ADA!!! Cuma sekarang - semua kena pakai pelitup muka dan dilarang menghampiri pagar sekolah. Social distancing katanya - tapi bukan untuk tabiat parking kereta. Kalau boleh dia nak anak dia sejurus keluar je pagar sekolah tu, boleh bukak pintu kereta, campak badan dalam kereta dan dia pun meluncur pulang dengan keretanya itu haha...again, ko ingat anak ko sorang je sekolah kat situ???

Waktu persekolahan pula macam biasa ikut sekolah masing-masing dan sudah jadi pendek daripada kebiasaan kerana tiada aktiviti sukan & ko-kurikulum. Di pagi hari, kakak perlu sampai sebelum jam 'x' ke sekolahnya di sinun, abang perlu sampai selepas jam 'x' di sekolahnya nun di sana pulak, adik pula perlu sampai sebelum jam 'y'. Maka 3 kali la aku keluar masuk rumah setiap pagi sebab nak bagi peluang Luqman & Piya sarapan dulu. Alhamdulillah semua sekolah berada di dalam radius 5km sahaja dari rumah, tetapi kuasa merempit tetap perlu maintain huhu. Waktu pulang pula, seorang balik jam 12, seorang 12.10, seorang lagi jam 2. Elok sahaja setiap pagi aku mulakan kerja, baru nak hangat, tidak lama sudah tiba masa sarung uniform supir semula. Maka kerja setiap hari memang akan membawa ke malam dan hujung minggu.

Begitulah adanya. Lelah urusan dunia persekolahan ni. Sesungguhnya, hanya yang mengalami akan memahami. Ada yang bertanya mungkin - mengapa tidak di'van-sekolah'kan sahaja anak-anak? Allahu...apa ko fikir aku tidak pernah coba?? Sesungguhnya cobaan van sekolah lebih meningkatkan darah Pakistan yang masih berbaki dalam badan aku ini. Meh sini nak dikisahkan supaya persoalan ini tidak lagi bermain di minda.

Van sekolah only covers certain route, and if you found one that is willing to send your kids to school, bersedialah dgn syarat-syarat perkhidmatan yang diberikan. Ada satu tu nak ambik anak-anak aku jam 5.45 pagi, Subuh pun belum masuk lagi. Mereka akan sampai paling awal ke sekolah, gelap gulita di pagi hari tu, macam-macam boleh jadi. So aku decide, let's try utk trip balik sahaja guna van, pagi-pagi aku masih hantar sendiri. Harga upah van - kus semangat untuk 2 org anak (masa tu Aliyah & Uwais masih di KGV) - rate utk pick up balik sahaja lebih daripada 200 hengget (sorang seratus lebih). Maklumlah dia sahaja yg willing nak cover route rumah aku tu. Oklah, what to do - hadap je lah. Tapi ku sangka panas hingga ke petang, rupanya panas hati yang berpanjangan. Kami bertahan sebulan sahaja!

Dalam masa sebulan tu 2-3 kali dia tinggalkan Uwais, sebab dikatakan lambat keluar dari sekolah. Maka kenalah aku ke sekolah pulak ambik Uwais. Kadang-kadang dia janji tunggu pagar sekolah belakang, anak-anak tunggu, tapi last minit tukar pagar depan dan sebaliknya. Ke hulu ke hilir la budak berdua tu. Anak-anak lambat keluar kena marah. Ada masa bukan salah dia (drebar van), ada masa bukan salah anak-anak sbb guru lepaskan lewat. Itu aku faham. Jadual balik pulak lain-lain, setiap hari. Sorang pukul 2.30, sorang lagi pukul 4.30. Ada hari aku tertunggu-tunggu kat rumah, tak sampai-sampai dah dekat pukul 5 petang bagi hari yang sepatutnya balik pukul 2.30 petang. Dia dah pusing satu Seremban ni gamaknya baru hantar anak-anak aku. Ada masa dia kata traffic jam. Seriously kat celah mana jam tu aku pun tak tau. Sebab setakat dok Somban ni, jem kat sekolah je la kot. Anak-anak banyak buang masa dalam van, balik pun dah keletihan. But because I wanted it to work - aku tak lah tanya macam-macam sangat kat dia.

Sampai lah satu hari tu dia nak tinggalkan Uwais buat kali ke 3, dia text aku macam marah-marah tanya mana Uwais ni tak keluar-keluar dari sekolah. Akhirnya jumpa. Uwais kena marah lagi. He treated Uwais like a total menace. It's really unacceptable to me. Apa guna aku upah ko mahal-mahal kalau akhirnya ko tambah stress aku - I still have to pick up Uwais bila ko tinggalkan dia kat sekolah tu, worry about his whereabouts and hear you whining and complaining to me about him delaying you, on top of that ko marah pulak lagi anak aku?? So tobat lahum aku tak akan guna servis van lagi, especially his. Baik aku kembali jadi super supir sepenuh masa. I earned my right untuk jadi naga and the kids will definitely accepted my naga days, cause they know at the end of the day, I will never leave them at school wondering how to get home.

So there you have it. Some people probably have a better experience with school transport. But ours wasn't something we'd like others to experience. Cukup la sekali. Aku tidak boleh bayangkan gerakerja van sekolah yang sama di musim pandemik ni. Kalau dapat servis seumpama sebelum PKP, sesungguhnya bertambah risiko terdedah kepada COVID19 lah jawabnya anak-anak ni. Alhamdulillah, Uwais sudah berpindah ke MRSM tak lama selepas we stopped the van's service. So supir has less passengers this year, down from the supposed 4 to 3. And having ODL this sem meant, kurang sikit aku jadi naga, sbb tak perlu rush ke kelas di petang hari. Jadi tak perlu tanya kenapa aku suka WFH dan ODL haha...

Tapi, apapun, ada satu dua perkara yang aku paling suka sepanjang jadi supir ni. Aku kenal ramai ibubapa, datuk nenek, supir lain yg sekapal dengan aku dan pengawal keselamatan di sekolah. Jadi depa pun kenal anak-anak aku, aku pun kenal anak-anak depa. Kalau kita tanya 'ada nampak anak saya tak?', Insya Allah ada yg akan bagi info. Masa jadi supir ni juga, I have extra time chatting with the kids about school and life in general. I think the time in the car, apart from before bedtimes, makes a good chatting avenues to impart any advice to them. I have lost count of all the stories and conversations shared & exchanged throughout the years. But it's going to be well worth the effort. Some day, we'll understand how far the times carved on the way to and fro to school makes a whole lot of difference in the lives of our children.

That's a life as a Super Supir. To many more years ahead. May my back with me - intact, till then.

Beyond Betrayed

2020-07-18T23:50:00.002+08:00

Once upon a time...I thought I found myself a friend...

Back then, as I sat down on the eve of my mom's 5th Chemotherapy Cycle, I wonder why Allah let you in into my life. Truthfully, I have no answer. For weeks, I had to rethink of what it was that I did so wrong that you have resorted to taking all the actions that you have taken throughout those past 2 years. And while I should have been focusing on my mom, but instead, I had to sort things for you, still. Yet again, precious time is spent on you. Finally, Allah showed me the way, and eventually, I decided on that occasion, this final stab shall be the end of it all.

Truly, nothing beats the tremendous pain of betrayal. I am not sure why I couldn’t explain it, but it cuts so deep, that even the sight of you made me brim with fury. So much so, that, for months, I totally avoided your path. Now, when the dust has settled, I am writing this as a reminder, so I will never allow myself to let you in into my life ever again.

The thing is, I used to actually like you. I found you to be an intelligent, funny and interesting soul. You are so much fun to be around with. I ignored everything that people has said about you so that I could give you a chance to prove yourself. I defended you many times when colleagues complaint about you, I gave you many second chances, too many perhaps. I spent precious time listening to you, reading, typing away and trying to sort out your grievances and assist you, be it about your complaints of other colleagues, your self-doubts, your career developments, your dress codes, your awkwardness. There are days when I thought we could have been the best of friends.

But I was wrong. You prove me wrong.

You are a true Machiavellian, who somehow or another loves to self-sabotage yourself over and over again.

Please forgive me, for I have failed. I thought, foolishly that together we could help save you from you. But regrettably, no one can save you, not even yourself. May Allah have mercy on us all and guide us. For I, myself struggles every second to be on the right path. I refused to be sidetracked anymore. Not by you, not by anyone else unworthy of my time.

Thank you for being a lesson in my life. Truth be told, it took months for me to get over the fact of all the time I wasted on you. Never have I felt such anguish. I have long since moved on and life has been so much peaceful without you. Although truly I couldn't care less, I do hope you find what is it that you are looking for. Please... whatever it is, don’t let me know.

Politicking Supervision

2020-07-05T13:41:00.031+08:00

As I watched over Umar, trying to do a peekaboo with both his tiny hands, I realized that there are just too many things to be grateful for. I smiled at him. He smiled back. Content. But there I was, reading a text on my mobile and wondering about what could have been. Disappointment and frustration abound.

The text acknowledged that my attempts at becoming a supervisor have failed. This was my fifth attempt. Probably they were all not meant to be, not my rezeki, probably it's for the best, probably there's some wisdom behind it all that is yet to be clear to me. Still, I couldn't help feeling devastated. I had so many things in my mind that I had wanted to do, to research, to venture into. The range is so 'unrestrained', that I even went into studying Airbnb and its impact on Halal Tourism in Malaysia. Yes, it's not typical legal research, just like when I went into researching social media influencers. But I was about to be offered a grant by the Islamic Tourism Centre for the Airbnb's research proposal and had it not been because of the Covid19, we would have been going around interviewing Airbnb's hosts already last April. So, when this supervisory attempt falls through yet again, I felt exceptionally exasperated, especially when I thought of all the time I invested in each particular attempts and the dashing of hopes that came with every single failed attempt. My hopes; were pretty straight forward, to be able to become a supervisor in order to acquire and share new knowledge, learn from the experience and somehow, someday become adept at this research supervisory role. How is that so hard to understand??

Should I be Thomas Edison? Try and try again? But Edison dealt with something far less complicated than the politics of supervision. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am so not cut out for this. And the way each attempt went south just leave a bad taste in my mouth. The thing is from the 5 attempts, 4 of them were student-initiated, it wasn't like I was selling myself nor lobbying for them from anyone else. I had wanted to write and pour my heart on how I was wronged but is it really worth it? Why and how would these people care anyway? Supervisory responsibility is an amanah first, not a criterion for fulfilling KPIs and promotion per se. Does everyone see it that way? These students, they are not mere names and matric numbers on a piece of paper you hogged and showed off to others. They have lives, hopes and aspirations. They spent time, money and effort to be under your expert tutelage. How can anyone live with themselves if whatever promotion they got, KPIs they fulfilled, partly ride and rest on a less than stellar supervisory roles & performance? Halalan? Toyyiban? Baroqah? You think?

I have been supervised by a far more responsible & ethical supervisor and academician, to choose to be a mediocre one. He was a mentor, still is. Perhaps, Allah is holding me back, so I don't get to be asked in the hereafter for my part in any supervisory role until I found an exact match to my personality and aspirations and have the power to deflect the politicking behind it all. Supervision involved a one to one apprenticeship, not mass production of students whom we listed on certificates of completion. It's supposed to be a professional relationship, yet can & will become personal at some level. And if they are struggling, how can we simply hide behind the catchphrase of all time - 'it's the students' responsibility to get all this done'? Is it that simple? Have we done and tried everything in our power to get it all sorted out before we decide that the student is a lost case??

Oh well...I wouldn't know. I am no longer a supervisor.

I think, instead, I will go supervise Umar's playtime now. I am - still, a mother, always... 😁

Unlimited Pass AirAsia Review

2020-06-11T08:20:00.000+08:00

*The Tikam-tikam Fly Pass* I was seriously looking into this pass because of Uwais & his probable frequent travels to Besut in the next couple of months. Just so everyone knows, I don’t have a love-hate relationship with Airasia, I simply don’t have a relationship at all with it nowadays 😁. But past experience thought me to be extra cautious with Airasia. My concerns are - whether this pass is advantageous to both of us for KL-KT/KB flights only & is it worth buying. Hence, this review. Who can buy this pass? The pass is only available to passengers above 12 years of age with a BIG Member account. The booking must be made under the BIG Member account holder’s name. Each Pass is assigned to one (1) passenger only with one (1) BIG Member account. The Pass is non-transferable and non-refundable. So this means - both of us must have a BIG Member account & looks like bookings must be made individually. When can you use it? Unlimited travels (konon), from 25 June till 31 Mac 2021. How much is it? RM399 excluding any other ancillaries, add-ons, airport charges, taxes and regulatory fees, or other charges. How to use it? All bookings must be made at least 2 weeks before the departure date ONLINE. Uwais cannot fly on his own till he is 16, and he cannot book tickets ONLINE under his own name before he turns 16. So this means - the pass is not advantageous/available to him. It can be used for one-way flights and return trip flights, subject to seat availability. So, in the event the seat is not available on the return flight, the discounted fare generated via the promo code will only apply to one way of the journey. Passengers would need to pay the full fare as displayed on the website for the return journey (apoooo???) Bookings are only restricted to selected AK flights marked '100% Off' (clever ehhh). So getting the both of us booked on flights according to our timing/date would be a headache, then!! Chances are they will not be available on every flight or day (of course larrr...how else are they going to profit from this pass). Once the Pass has been successfully redeemed and booking is confirmed, no changes are allowed to be made to any flight booked using the Pass. However, flight schedules are subject to change without notice or liability to the holder of the Pass (wuttt?!). Passengers may choose a different flight, however, the full fare as displayed on the website will be payable (wuttt??!! At this point, just act surprise larrr). In the event a passenger’s scheduled flight is cancelled, terminated, diverted, postponed, rescheduled or delayed before the passenger has reached his final destination as a result of a flight cancellation, AirAsia-caused missed connection, flight delay, or omission of a scheduled stop due to circumstances beyond AirAsia’s control or for reasons of safety or commercial reasons, AirAsia shall at its discretion (kebal makian kerrr??!!), either: a) carry you at the earliest opportunity on another AirAsia flight on which space is available at no charge (giler ko tak mo bagi gantian flight - nak viral ke??); or b) refund check-in baggage, meals or seat selections purchased and airport charges/taxes paid (ada akal pun!). Passengers are allowed to book up to two (2) flights for travel on the same day, but not from the same point of origin. No multiple bookings for travel on the same day from the same origin are allowed. Any such bookings are subject to immediate and automatic cancellation. In others words - you are not allowed to take AK flights for more than 2 times a day or fly from KL to KB in the morning. Then drive back to KL in the afternoon and fly back to KB later that night (who does that?) Passengers are allowed up to three (3) no-shows. In the event a passenger exceeds the number of no-shows permitted, AirAsia shall have the right to cancel/forfeit their Pass, without any liability on the part of AirAsia. So in the end - let me rename this pass - “The Tikam-tikam Fly Pass”. Kalau ada rezeki dapat - kalau tak, mendapat makian sahaja 😒 Perlu buat penaakulan mantik sebelum buat keputusan. And yes...the promotion (if you can call it that) ends in two days time 😎

Journey of an Online Distance Learning in Pandemic times

2020-05-31T11:11:00.000+08:00

By next week a couple of my educationist friends will start their Online Distance Learning journey of the era 😊. I wish them all the very best!

Some have been hard at training, trying to grasp & muster as much new info, knowledge & technology possible before the semester reconvenes. If you are as reluctant as I am before, then Congratulations, because attending these training meant you have taken the first steps towards preparing for what's ahead.

Based on what I've been through these past few weeks (including Ramadan ODL 😁), these are some of the things I have learned so far. This is going to be a long one. But I have not had the time to write for quite some time. Consider this payback time 😁 And please, if anyone else wants to share their tips/thoughts/concerns too - most welcome!

Acceptance

I think if people were to ask me - what would be the first thing we should do when preparing for ODL in a pandemic timeline, I'd say we have to accept the fact that this is a special circumstance requiring intervention with special measures. Accept this, and Insya Allah we can work out the rest of the challenges and make it work.

Plan

Plan! Plan your semester - everyone will tell you that. But between learning new app & tech and turning into a sudden You-Tube sensation, time catches up on you. Suddenly, it's 'game' time. For UiTM it was a 2 weeks break. In the meantime, UiTM churned out like a gazillion surveys & 'peningkeliling', ask for reports after reports like we are flying the campus to the moon bla bla bla, and that is not including my own small survey for my students - so there's a time when we all lost tracks of what is what, what is when and which is which (you get what I mean).

I took almost a week only to plan and do class management. I have 170 plus students this semester. Most of us, mistook the time needed to manage classes online - because we thought everyone can now be reached via soc-med. We can never be so wrong in certain cases. Some of my students took days to respond, due to the almost non-existent internet connection, while others are totally lost for various reason, including losing their phones or stuck with a malfunctioning phone (yes, convenient timing!). So you got to be creative in getting all of them 'connected' to you (not telepathically). I looked for their photos in the uni's LMS - paste them in all the class Telegram groups with the caption: WANTED! And walla - suddenly they are found or rather they found themselves (Ok, I was kidding about the caption).

Then another week was taken to figure out the layout of the Learning Management System (UiTM gave us the freedom to choose our own LMS, if we decided not to use the uni's LMS) and pre-record lecture videos, upload them online along with all the other links, notes, textbooks, and activities that go along with each topic. That was exhausting because mostly I tend to give an impromptu lecture, which has the tendency to be babbles - which requires editing later on. So tips: have scripts ready before recording. Yes, that will take time, but trust me - it reduces the headache of trimming your videos - even if the LOOM video-recording software is great at allowing you to do so.

Be yourself

I know everyone by now knows about Kahoot! and the rest of the jolly game looking quiz app, or whatever lesson games they throw at you, some I can't even pronounce properly 😁. I know of Kahoot when I was doing Post-Grad Diploma in Education in OUM in 2016. Confession: I have never used it since 😄 I don't know - probably I am a no-fun lecturer 😂 I just want to go in class - babbles to my heart's content and leave. I just could not imagine - my Criminal Law lecturers using Kahoot! 🤭 Look, the only reason I actually passed my criminal law papers was that I was scared of them, not because I thought they were much fun 😁

So be yourself. Don't be too ambitious. If all the fancy looking app or tech is not for you, then choose something that will be aligned to your teaching objectives and you are most comfortable with. Probably they are more low tech, but if consistently applied, the students will be able to get on with the class anyway. There's nothing more frustrating than seeing your lecturers grappling with technology throughout an ODL semester that nobody wants. Consider too, the fact that some of your students may not be able to apply this app/tech due to connectivity issues. Doesn't mean we can't be creative, but we just need to be fair in our choice.

Express your concern

I know it's rare for some lecturers to suddenly become Dr Phil's clients in class, but please, if you have concerns, you are tired & stress out too, just express them. Tell your family, your colleagues, including your students. Just say it (type it out) - "I am sorry guys, I am kinda burned out this week, can we pick this one up next time". I am telling you - you'd feel like shedding a tear or two, but it would be such a relieve on you (and them too). The students will be able to relate that as much as they are having problems, you too are struggling like everyone else in the ODL ecosystem - we are but a mere human, and we got to help each other to make this work. Allow the students to express their thoughts & concerns too. Have anonymous polls, surveys, so you can gauge the reality out there affecting your students and make revisions to the class accordingly.

Be flexible

I think if people were to ask me what would be the most important aspect to keep in mind when managing an ODL semester such as this - I'd say flexibility! Yes, we make plans & usually we wanted to stick to it for obvious reasons, but there are times we need to be flexible.

The first 2-3 weeks would usually be a bit chaotic. Trust me on this 🤭 But it's alright. It will get better. Some lecturers would want to 'replicate' their usual timetable online synchronously via Video Conferencing app, while others may not. Just note that a VC is not similar to a physical class. Your VC, if you require video presence to be made compulsory, is now 'invading' into the privacy of the students' home (including yours 🤭). Even if they consented to it, the length of time they need to spend glued to the screen, hours after hours will eventually be exhausting and made the VC less effective. A VC with no video presence can be even less effective, especially if the length of class time is more than an hour. They leave their attendance in the chat and will be nowhere to be seen (pun intended) till you recite Surah Al -'Asr. Tips: Ask them a question from time to time - in the chat to check the class 'pulse' 😎

After a while you will start receiving messages of technicality issues, common ones - I can't hear you (sometimes, I have not even started speaking yet 😂), I can't join the link, I have been 'thrown' out of the class, the video is not clear, your voice is putus-putus & the list goes on... So be flexible! Probably mix-matching a pre-recorded lecture with a VC makes for better management of the need for lectures. Anyway, always record the VC lecture and share them with the class. Convert them to MP3 - so they become a podcast for students with minimum access.

Almost similar messages of technicality issues will be received come task/assignment submission time, common ones - internet coverage problem when submitting, hang!, submitted - but it went missing on the LMS, my once in a blue moon coverage finally appears, and the list goes on...So, again be flexible. Give them time to resubmit. My motto - Better late than no submission at all, but with proper excuse &notification - and my students will always be informed of this policy. Take note of students with connectivity issues early on during class management, allow them to have some additional time for submission but they must consistently inform you of their submission when it's done. Yes, be flexible, but be consistent in your flexibility.

***

ODLians

Life As I See It - NFN
May 2020

Hak Anda sebagai Tuan Rumah & Penyewa

2018-02-04T10:13:00.000+08:00

Fuhh ... tajuknya begitu serius sekali.

But naaaa I won't be writing about the whole thing pun, I will just share this post here for everyone to read and ponder upon it - kisah Makcik Bawang (not sure why bawang jadi mangsa here haha) yang tak makan duit haram kononnya.

Anyway, this is going to be my 601th post since I started blogging in 2008...Hey! it's a decade of blogging already...hurrahh :-) But let's not lie to myself - it's already February of 2018 and I am finding it difficult to keep a regular update. And let's face the fact - who actually read blogs anymore just for the sake of it. They always come for a reason, they are not really following your life story (you thing you are Kim K ka??), unless of course they are interested to know what mischief you have been up to lately - yes, I am talking to you, you gossip-monger!

I started writing in this blog pun, used to be because I wanted to share my stories to my family and friends while we were in Australia from 2008 - 2012. Then since I came home, I kinda lose track of it all, what more with the advent of Instagram (love FB then, but not anymore). Even on my other blogs - blogs with academic orientations pun tak sempat nak update. Leisure writing is definitely a privilege nowadays. I thought of keeping to a particular timeline, but alas still couldn't because of so many other things that needed to be prioritized. Then I started logging daily events on the JOURNAL app, so lagi lah I find no reason to write for the public anymore.

Thoughts of quitting this blog altogether come from time to time - but I kinda feel probably I should find another way of keeping my writing together. But that is going to be for me to figure out by myself...boring stuff.

Ok, back to kisah makcik halalharam di atas - so far kes macam ni mmg ada di kampus, not exactly like this. Ada yang pelajar kena keluar rumah less than 24 hours, ada yang berkoyan-koyan message call baru nak pulangkan deposit, ada tuan rumah yang suka hati keluar masuk rumah without permission penyewa, ada yang tipu pelajar tentang rumah, mcm2 lagi lah. But I think kes macam ni is really over the top lar - suka hati jer makcik tu, mentang-mentanglah deal dgn students. Padan jugak lah dgn treatment dia tu terhadap students tu. Tapi in my campus, byk kes nya, sampai tahap gertak-gertak je, then both parties will eventually solved the problem anyway, sometimes with the help of the college officers and the pegawai pembangunan pelajar. But it's interesting now that since this colleague of mine have decided to forward the case to court in order to assist the students with their claim, then this shall become a 'precedent' for the students here too. Congratulations to her for her advice and the students for standing up for their rights!

But since I quit all my posts since last May, I haven't been really getting into any of this anymore. Probably for the best. So I think posting all this is the best I can do for now. I have become very invested some times before with the legal advising tasks that I become easily frustrated with the lack of Itqan of some people I work with. I am so happy not needing to deal with these suckers anymore, haha I will probably go dye my hair blue soon. Now, I take one day at a time - and have my own KPI. This year - there shall be 3 papers published after 2-3 years of postponement, 1 conference paper and I am working on 2 books to be published with two colleagues from Pahang and Melaka, Insya Allah.

In the meantime...we wait for another post of mine...soon? Maybe not soon enough :-)

2017 dalam kenangan

2017-12-31T23:17:00.000+08:00

2017 ini istimewa buatku. Tempoh yang mengajar betapa pentingnya kehidupan dan kematian dan apa saja perkara di antaranya. Begitulah hakikatnya apabila hidup tahun ini berlatarbelakangkan pengalaman dari satu institut ke institut, IKN dan IJN. Sesungguhnya IKN dan IJN ini bagai langit dengan bumi dari banyak sisi. Hanya yang melalui keduanya akan memahami. Jadi akurlah apabila jadi insan terpilih.

In between my time at both institutes, I lost my mom to cancer and I went through another life and death situation with my dad's need to replace his heart valve 5 months after her death. It all felt like a dream, a bad one. But we went through it all and survived. Sadly, I still haven't found the time to properly jot down my thoughts in a coherent manner. Probably some day, when I need soothing from writing. As for now, life needs to be lived, and the time for reflections remained only in my mind and thoughts.

Somewhere in the midst of this all, at mid year, my term as the Head of Department came to an end. I made it clear, in fact, twice to my superior that I do not intend for my term to be renewed. Holding an administrative post when your passion is actually teaching is like watching your life passes through in front of your eyes in fast forward. It's fast-paced, meaningless, gone and forgotten in a few minutes. Never will I feel like doing it ever again. I applied for a teaching position and I intend to retire and continue working in this line, and not managing people who refused to be managed. But I understand now, even better than before that there's no point expecting others to understand your problems, for your problems are 'designed' especially only for you. So the only person that can deal with those problems is me, myself. I get that now.

Going into 2018, there are still people I need to forgive, habits I need to let go and projects I need to pursue with a vengeance. I will eventually forgive as time helps to heal my pain, I will eventually reduced those bad habits of mine and I will start and complete those projects in due time. My mantra for 2018 is to have less junks in people I kept as my company, in goods and in my food intake. I wanna keep it simple. Simpler than 2017.

As you can see from my #2017bestnine on IG, my life is mostly for my family and I intend to keep it that way. In the end that's what's most important anyway - FAMILY.

So this is Life as I see it ~ NFN

IJN Valve Replacement Surgery for Abah - Pre Operation

2017-09-30T12:28:00.001+08:00

Fate had it that almost 5 months after Mama passed away, Abah's heart's (mitral) valve function is getting worst. He had bouts of dizziness, fatigue, difficult to catch his breath and he was unable to maintain his regular activity sometimes several days in a week.

His regular check up was set for early August at the IJN. Results from his echo-gram showed that the opening and closing of the valve is getting lesser that his usual 1.8 cm (He'd been living with this 'size' for the past 5 years or so). The doctors then suggested surgery or angioplasty, but he told them he would discuss it with the rest of us first. A couple of weeks later he was again feeling light-headed, by now somewhat regular that usual. So we rushed him to the emergency at IJN and the trauma Dr monitored him and suggested another appointment with the Consultant Cardiologist the following week along with a stress test.

On the day of the stress test, the Consultant again suggested surgery because based on Abah's report, an angioplasty will not help improve his situation. So eventually we agreed on doing an angiogram first as part of a pre-operation assessment and will go from there. An angiogram was set immediately on a Monday after Aidiladha. It was a public holiday due to the Sea Games 2017, but IJN still runs as usual for all his patients. We admitted Abah on Sunday 3 of September and the procedure was held at the Invasive Cardiovascular Lab a Level 1 in IJN the next morning.

The angiogram results showed that Abah's heart was in overall doing fine, no major blockage can be seen. But the angiogram also confirmed that a stent is not the best option to improve Abah's valve. So we then waited for the Cardio-thoracic Surgeon to asses his report and plan for surgery. The surgeon we chose Mr Rais (I was told a surgeon is always titled 'Mr' instead of the usual Dr - long history to elaborate) was a busy man of course. It was only the next night that he had managed to meet us to explain the available options and the risks involved for Abah, including the choice in the valve - either tissue based (bovine) or mechanical ones. The mechanical one although would last longer has strings attached in the form of a lifetime reliance on Warfarin (the infamous anticoagulant aka blood thinning medication). We were also told to choose a surgery date before being discharged the next day and the date chosen must allow sufficient time for Abah to ensure that he has a clean bill of health from a dentist in regards to his teeth in time for surgery. So the date was set for the first week of October - the 2nd.

In the few days that we had after being discharge from IJN after the angiogram, we had done some research, received information from past patients that we knew and of course Abah's own preference, and finally he decided he'd want to go with the tissue based valve instead of the mechanical one. So that is settled then.

We then had a tahlil function last week and invited all our relatives and neighbors, to join in prayers for Abah. May the outcome of his surgery be successful and his recovery be swift. Ameen.

Today - he will be admitted for his surgery on Monday. I will keep everyone posted through this blog from time to time. Please pray that everything goes as planned, Insya Allah.

Appreciation

2017-07-29T17:04:00.003+08:00

Sometimes you find after all your hard works and efforts to ease other peoples' life's, there would still be one or two people who got your intention all wrong, see everything in a negative light and shows no sense of appreciation at all.

Yes, it's frustrating. But mostly to me; annoying. I meant not only you don't appreciate other people's efforts, but you take an additional step to put other people's down in order to build your own deluded self-image. I'm annoyed because you are such a waste of my time.

I have long accepted the fact that, I shall never receive any appreciation, recognition nor acknowledgement for all the good deeds I do from people. I should not be expecting any, because they are not the right person I should turned to. I am okay with that.

I just have no patience with pest. And there's just too many out there. They are not really important, but if you don't deal with or ignore them earlier on, they become a cancerous presence in your life.

Yes, a cancerous parasitism pest!

40

2017-06-13T09:54:00.003+08:00

Day 13 Ramadan 1438h, 8 June 2017:

"Dan Kami wajibkan manusia berbuat baik kepada kedua ibu bapanya; ibunya telah mengandungnya dengan menanggung susah payah dan telah melahirkannya dengan menanggung susah payah. Sedang tempoh mengandungnya beserta dengan tempoh menceraikan susunya ialah dalam masa tiga puluh bulan. Setelah ia besar sampai ke peringkat dewasa yang sempurna kekuatannya dan sampai ke peringkat umur empat puluh tahun, berdoalah ia dengan berkata: "Wahai Tuhanku, ilhamkanlah daku supaya tetap bersyukur akan nikmatmu yang engkau kurniakan kepadaku dan kepada ibu bapaku, dan supaya aku tetap mengerjakan amal soleh yang Engkau redai; dan jadikanlah sifat-sifat kebaikan meresap masuk ke dalam jiwa zuriat keturunanku. Sesungguhnya aku bertaubat kepadamu, dan sesungguhnya aku dari orang-orang Islam (yang tunduk patuh kepadamu)." ~ Surah Al-Ahqaf 46:15

Ameen Ya Rabbal A'lamin.

***

You're not here to see me turned 40 today, Mama, which also marked your 40th year as our mom 😔😭. I have never been a fan of celebrating birthdays, but I do remember how lively you were when you celebrated ours. It would always be a joyous affairs. And here we are reaching this date in separate realms. I could wish for so many things, but for today and all other days onwards, I pray Allah showers His Mercy upon you, grants you respite until the day of judgement comes and reunite you with all her loved ones in Jannah.

Dan Ya Allah, untukku, Engkau kasihanikanlah daku, Engkau berikanlahku hidayah dan petunjukMu agar aku senantiasa sedar yang aku hanyalah sekadar seorang Musafir menuju akhirat.

Ameen Ya Rabbal A'lamin

Celebrating Aliyah's belated birthday too :-)

Mama-less

2017-05-31T13:59:00.001+08:00

It has been a month now since Mama left us. It's now our first Ramadan without her. So I told myself I would write this. But as the screen stares at me, tears come rolling down my face. I will write this for her. I will... I will, just in time for my 40th birthday. For now, let me 'enjoy' the few days before that date...

MAMA

2017-04-28T15:38:00.000+08:00

April will now be remembered as the month where all my family members near and far rallied together, giving us the support we need to provide the best care and comfort for Mama, especially for the past two weeks. No amount of gratitude can repay all the act of love and kindness they showed to her and all of us during those trying two weeks. May Allah reward all of them with Jannah, In Sya Allah.

Sadly, at 10.15 pm on 24 April 2017 (Monday), Mama eventually succumbed to her illness and passed away surrounded by all her close family members :-((

إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ

Mama with Aliyah last October, before her health starts to deteriorate...

Mama's love, care and concern is the glue that bind all of us together. She shall be remembered in our prayers as such a person. May Allah forgive her for all misgivings and grant her Jannah. Ameen Ya Rabbal 'Alamin...

Her last birthday with all of us last December...

I kept repeating the past two weeks over and over again in my mind, but at the moment everything is too raw to be written down. Some day perhaps...

As for now, please rest Mama, I will do you proud and take care of everyone. May we all meet again some day in Jannah, In Sya Allah.

Uncertainties (2)

2017-03-31T18:50:00.003+08:00

January 2017 started with uncertainties and basically ended with more uncertainties. But that is life, no matter how hard we try to assure certain things go the way we want them to be, nothing is definitive. Only Allah has that power, we only make plans.

Mama has been diagnosed with cervical cancer for a while now. She first had her initial bleeding in June 2015, but she only had it checked in August 2015. She started treatment at the Cancer Institute in Putrajaya by late 2015 and completed her first round of combination treatment by May 2016. She had even managed to fast and celebrate Aidilfitri free of any for two months. But come Aidiladha, she started bleeding again. We went back to the oncologist at the Cancer Institute and made another rounds of check up. It was discovered that although her cervical cancer may have subsided but there were bit and pieces here and there and some of the cancer cells had metastasizes to her liver. She listened to the doctors with most of us there and was the one who finally made the decision to proceed with second bout of chemotherapy, a different type, a different dosage. None of us really said anything much, because seriously we are not sure what else to do. She started chemotherapy in November last year. Early this month, the doctors decided to stop Mama's 5th chemo cycle for her cervical cancer treatment for her platelet was going haywire. Further, her cervical bleeding is still ongoing, showing signs that the chemotherapy is not doing much for her. Her body could no longer take the chemo toxicity level. I personally feel they should have stopped it after the 3rd cycle, as they promised to do a review after the 3rd one initially, but they didn't. I meant it's pointless to proceed anymore if it's not doing much for her.

I was the one who finally got her officially 'discharged' from chemotherapy.
I stalked the doctor, until I got to meet her up and ask for a thorough explanation

It's been a month now. She's getting weaker by the day. She lost a total of almost 20 kg since her treatment last year. Funny, at one point she was saying - "I spent thousands of ringgit in my younger days to lose weight, but now I lose it effortlessly". In fact, she wasn't losing it effortlessly, she simply wasn't eating.

Tomorrow, it's going to be April. In two months time, I turned 40. Will she still be there for me, to celebrate my 40th birthday...so much uncertainties. But one thing is certain, we all love her dearly. Abah definitely. He's been going around trying to get her here and there for alternative treatment. I fear the day when he had to be seated, to accept all that is coming.

Please pray for my Mama, pray Allah ease her pain, pray she is granted Khusnul Khatimah.

Ameen...

Seminar Companies Act 2016’s Implementation

2017-02-16T09:09:00.000+08:00

So, life must go on...

Next immediate project will be handling the Seminar on the "Companies Act 2016's Implementation".

The Companies Act 2106 is now in its first implementation phase starting from the end of January 2017. It’s a brand new statute with some major changes that totally revamp how company law and its compliance is dealt with.

So I thought organizing a seminar would be the next best thing to going for a holiday... haha

Anyway, please click the link above for further details. I hope the seminar will help especially academics who need to prep for the new company law course soon. It will be a transitioning period for all, and hopefully the seminar will shed some light on how we prepare for the new implementation of the Companies Act 2016.

The main topics of discussion would be:

“Implementation and enforcement of the Companies Act 2016: Key Changes”
“Companies Act 2016 vs Companies Act 1965: Academic issues in transition”

Uncertainties (1)

2017-01-31T19:54:00.001+08:00

Earlier in the month, formal schools started for 3 of my children this year. Aliyah was supposed to start in a new school and Luqman of course just joined in formal schooling this year. It was an exciting and stressful time for everyone, actually. However, things became even more stressful, when Aliyah didn't get a place in SMAP Kajang. I purposely chose that school in the SBP form, because I wanted to her pursue whatever she's been learning during her KAFA days, including her Arabic which she was rather good at. We went around to see the school and she had approved of it. In addition, it was rather close to my parents's house in Kajang so that would make even easier for visitations purposes.

For a while, it was a rather disappointing and uncertain time because I didn't register her to any of the school nearby our home, except for all the Sekolah Kawalan (which we only chose 2, instead of the usual 4). When the time came for the result for Sekolah Kawalan - her first choice of school, an SMKA, SMK Agama Sheikh Haji Mohd Said, also known as SHAMS in Sikamat had also turned her down. I was getting sleepless night. I don't understand what was going on. I heard many version of rationales. It appears most SMKAs don't wanna consider students with good results for fear they will be snatched away by SBPs and MRSMs. Anyway, since the result for MRSM is yet to be out by then, so we appealed for both SBP and SHAMS. I changed from SMAP Kajang to SMAP Labu instead, for I heard there's a stiff competition for placement in SMAP Kajang. So the few days between all the rejections and what happened next cause a lot frustration on my part. Aliyah in the meantime appears to be rather nonchalant.

By the end of December, I receive a call from the State's Education Department, stating that Aliyah is offered a place at SMK King George V (popularly known as KGV), in Seremban town. KGV was her second choice of Sekolah Kawalan. KGV is the best daily school in Seremban. So we gladly accepted the offer, thinking at least now she'll have a school while we wait for all the appeals. I registered her in the first week, bought all the relevant things that she needs for the moment for the school, since it didn't cost us more that RM80 (inclusive of her School T-shirt). Then, something great happened.

KGV has been running a Kelas Aliran Agama (KAA) for the past 4 years with a Tahfiz curriculum for a number of students in the school. Students who secured a place in the KAA would usually be boarded in a nearby hostel for the school. So the first week of school, while also monitoring Luqman at his school and Aliyah attending her school's orientation, I ran around KGV, met up with this teacher and that teacher, went up and down the State's Education Department twice, wrote an appeal letter and buat muka seposen calling here and there, praying hard so just to get Aliyah a placement in the KAA class. Alhamdulillah, finally by the end of the first week, a light beamed through, and she was deemed qualified to join the class and a couple of days later we enrolled her into her hostel nearby the school. (let's have that story another day)

In between this process, ironically the State's Education Department called informing us that our appeal for SHAMS has been approved, but we decided to reject it for various reasons. KGV is an English niche school, absorbing the Dual Language Program to the core, hence, Maths and Science will be taught in English for everyone in Form 1. And now since Aliyah is in KAA with the Tahfiz classes, she gets the best of both worlds, not to mention the ability to still mingle with students from other ethnicity in KGV. And the best part, although she was taking time to adapt to hostel life, she actually enjoyed the school very much. She was always excited to talk about what happened in school. So we took that as our sign that KGV is the best for her. In fact, when the MRSM result came out last week, we are so sure we will also reject the offer. She was offered a place in MRSM Alor Gajah which caters for the Cambridge IGCSE curriculum, which I think would do nothing much more for her. Her English is almost impeccable, and KGV is already teaching Maths and Science in English. What she will be getting from the KAA class will be more that what the MRSM will be able to provide for her. In fact, she had already started her Quranic Classes and starting memorizing all the short verses of Juzu' 30. So what more can we be asking for...May Allah have mercy on her and our family and help her in her striving for knowledge for both this world and the hereafter.

A Georgian now :-)

Kat ASRAMA PUTERI MELAYU Seremban.

On a side note - I am actually fed up and annoyed with the way the SBPs and the MRSMs system are managing their placement offers. They caused parents and students so much heartache and stress for not being able to sort things out between themselves and issue their offers at the same time. I don't understand why MRSM had to start classes in February every year. Don't they know that parents would have already spent so much money in the initial school their children were enrolled in?? I don't understand why if students were offered a place in SBPs, they can no longer get a placement in MRSMs. Then why do you allow them to apply for both SBP and MRSM in the first place??? Is this some sort of a popularity contest? Weighing in whether there are more applications for SBP or MRSM that year? And then campak them here and there??? I simply don't get it!!! And due to what happened with Aliyah, I have decided in the future, I will no longer consider SBPs and MRSMs anymore for all my children. I will apply for the Sekolah Kawalan, yes. But I have no interest anymore to be sucked into the level of uncertainties created by their so called elitist 'mismanagement'.

Summing up 2016 in pictures

2016-12-31T21:58:00.000+08:00

I think these best 9 pictures from my IG account practically sums up my life in 2016. THIS IS my life. My life revolves around them. Work? What work? haha... Sometimes, I think I am only moonlighting in UiTM ☺. Basically, I have given up thinking of any sort of career development. I take each new day as it comes. Looking at these pictures, reminds me to be grateful for all the happy faces that greet me everyday. It beats dealing with students with no drive, colleagues with no common sense, and managers with no sense of directions. Really, I have reach a point where I no longer care. No point stressing out over people you cannot change. I have completed most of the things I want to do this year, and next year will continue to be for and about my family. I will just do what I really love to do and simply ignore other superficial matters or artificial/fake/pretentious people. Seriously not worth my time no more!

Btw my Luqman starts formal school in 2017. Today he registered in Sek Keb Taman Rasah Jaya.
He will be with Uwais at the same school. These two will definitely keep me busy!

UPSR 2016 in Aliyah's Diary

2016-11-26T17:10:00.004+08:00

It has been a week pass the UPSR result. The guinea pig batch they called Aliyah's batch. But I have high hopes for the KSSR (read up my earlier thoughts). It was supposed to be different from the KBSR batch which started with my batch in school in 1984. That also means I was from a guinea pig batch too. KBSR was an oversimplified version of the curriculum than the ones before. KSSR is totally different. It was supposed to emphasized on the ability of the students to make sense of what they learned. But alas the teachers mostly still carry the same mentality they had before - the KBSR mentality. They would finished up the curriculum in a rush and then focus on students to answer as many questions as they can, which they hoped would be asked in the exam. They were surprised, because that's not what happened. In a way, I was kinda relieved this happened. I hope the teachers and the school managements would now learned their lesson and eventually throw out this 'latih tubi' akin to memorizing mentality. It has to stop. They must first focus on students' ability to understand, digest, think and the ability to reprocess the information in a different scenario. Yes, all the subjects need 'latih tubi' but not at the expense of them not getting the knowledge first.

Last nite LANDSKAP on TV1 had a great discussion on 2016 UPSR. The panels emphasized, yet again, chase after the knowledge and the As will come. That should be the mentality impressed on the students and parents too. Probably it would be too much to ask for in such short span of time - 6 years, but seriously everyone have to change, including parents. Including myself. I shouldn't let the euphoria of 'As' engulfed me. Every parents wanted the best for their children. Understandably. But the As although important, because it shows persistence, hard work and determination, is not everything in your child's development. Some child have different tendencies, different needs, different interest. Parents need to always remember that and provide the necessary supports for their children.

And Aliyah?

I remembered early in the morning on the 17th November, my DH quipped to Aliyah - "It doesn't matter what you got, what's important you have tried your best!" and he gave her a kiss on the forehead and a hug (something he rarely do, I must say) and off I went to send her to school. By 10 am I have already known her result through sms. It was 5A1B. A near miss, because in the last 2 trials she had scored straight As in all the core papers. And the B is for her favourite subject - Science. It was Maths we were worried about, because she carried a C throughout last year till early this year. A 'C' in Maths is a NO NO to me, not because I was after the 'A', but because that means she doesn't get the concept, in other words she was unable to process the questions and solve them. That was worrisome, because Maths is important in everything, not only her academic future, but her life too. I resorted to hiring a personal tutor to get the Maths concept through to her. And because she inherently is a brilliant kid, eventually after a few months she got it, Alhamdulillah.

I told her the result before the headmaster's announcement because I don't want to her anticipate otherwise. I couldn't really sense how she was taking it but I congratulated her and assured her how proud I am with her. I also texted the school's PIBG WhatsApp group to thank the teachers for all their hard work this year. I am one of the AJK PIBG and I personally know how committed the teachers were throughout the year. Anyway, Aliyah has not been so sure of her Science paper even after the exam. And I went through the paper too. The questions were rather tricky. But when asked what do you think of Science now? She said I like Science, there's so many interesting thing about it. That was a relief. She even believed she just got lucky with her Maths paper. The questions were easy she once told me. I assured her there's nothing considered luck in Maths. Maths is akin to learning something that requires psychomotor with a twist, it requires not only understanding but regular training and problem solving exercises. She did all those training and exercises regularly this year, which made Maths appear to be easy to her, Alhamdulillah.

Anyway, there's 3 students with 6As, and 3 students with 5As1B at her school. There was a feeling of disappointments after a few students started crying. All of them were consoled by the teachers and parents too. To me it was only natural - to cry, that is. People can put a lot of interpretations into it. Probably they had high expectations and the exam let them down, probably they will be scarred for life, probably they will feel intimidated and so on. But I believe children are a resilient lot if you gave them the right and necessary support they will bounce back in due time. In fact, a week after the result, everyone is back being their happy self that they are - children being children. Aliyah couldn't even be bothered to investigate what her friends got for their UPSR. She's just happy to spend the last few days of her primary school days with her friends. They are ready to move on. I hope their parents would too :-)

Aliyah and her friends on their Primary 6 Graduation Day :-)