Word of Mouth

Culinary School?

2011-01-23T08:33:00.000-08:00

I recieved a call early this morning from my old advanced cooking course teacher who knows teaches at the art institute of dallas. Known for it's culinary and art classes, it's a pretty prestigious school for being in an area like this.

See I dropped out of school, so I never got to finish the class. She told me that I had the highest grades/the best cooking talent in the class and was sad to see me go. She ALSO told me that her next course at the Art Institute has six available openings, and it's not too expensive. So who knows, maybe I'll be Chef John sometime soon. Have me own show and everything!

Life

2011-01-22T11:13:00.000-08:00

It's a bitch. Didn't work out with my "ladyfriend" or whatever you want to call her. Decided to end it before it got serious. I think I'm done with women for a while. Before women came into my life I was happier. Maybe things will go back to the way they were.

A man can dream.

Happy (late) New Years!

2011-01-02T19:27:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, just wanted to say happy new years to everyone even if it is a few days late. :P

I had a good one. Went to a cool party and had my first new years 12:00 kiss! This girl is awesome fellas, I couldn't be happier. How have you all been doing? Hope you all had fun on new years! Remember to have a safe and happy 2011, BUT PARTY HARD!

On a side note, I started playing WoW again! Any of you play WoW? I'm going to be transferring realms to one some of my family/friends play on and I was wondering what realm/race/class you all played! Let me know in the comments!

Hey

2010-12-18T00:04:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a long while, and I'm sorry, but I've been pretty busy with work/ my new main squeeze. :P

I just wanted to pop in and give an early Merry Christmas to you all, as I'll be spending a lot of time at work/ with her this next week so I most likely won't be updating. I hope you guys are all having a good December so far, cheers to a Merry Christmas and a happy new year!

Odd...Dream?

2010-11-07T16:11:00.000-08:00

So lately I've been having this reoccuring thought...almost like a dream but I'm awake when it happens.

Basically, I'll be standing around doing nothing special. Thinking mostly. All the sudden it's like my vision gets blurry and I lose focus on what's going on. Apparently my mom has to practically yell at me to get my attention when it happens. I just kind of stare off into space for a few seconds sometimes a minute or so. It almost feels like...I don't really know how to describe it. Like a memory? Like something from a past life or something crazy, I don't know.

Anyways, I'm always walking through these woods, it's usually dark but there have been a few times where it was so bright. So I'll be walking through these weird woods, and I notice this...Door? Like a storm cellar, or a bunker entrance or something. The closer I get to this door or hatch or whatever it is, the more painful it becomes to get closer towards it. I feel like I'm getting tired. Like the energy or motivation is just being pulled right out of me.

Now I know this is probably just a daydream or a full blown dream, but I am honest to god SCARED to open this door. I snap out of this little phase and I feel a tightening in my stomach. Like it's twisting in knots.

What is this? Is there a name for this type of thing? Should I check myself into some looney bin? It feels like I've been there before, but it scares me to the point where I close myself off after it happens. What should I do about it?

No longer jobless!

2010-11-05T16:13:00.000-07:00

Well gadies and lentlemen, I got the job!

It's not a fancy position and the pay isn't amazing, but it is my first job and it looks like it's going to be a lot of fun. I start work next week! The best part is, the girl I'll be working with is 19, single, and oh so lovely. Now if that doesn't get my mind of my ex then there is something wrong with me. :)

Thank you all so much for reading, and take care!

Quickie

2010-11-01T18:41:00.000-07:00

I have two quick things to say!

1. 350 Followers! Woot!

2. It's getting easier to push past the depression, and I'm done trying to get in contact with her!

Yay me!

You guys have a great night, and take care. :)

Hello

2010-10-31T09:19:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone just wanted to pop in real quick and say happy Halloween!

Sadly I don't have any plans this year, but I hope you guys have a lot of fun! Tell me in the comments what you plan on doing for Halloween!

Doctor visit and Job

2010-10-27T22:25:00.000-07:00

So I went to my doctor earlier today about my depression as of late. He diagnosed it as "severe situational depression" basically meaning in a few months it should go away on it's own. But in the meantime he put me on some low dosage anti-depressants to help me deal with the pain I've been feeling, and gave me a sleeping agent to help me get to bed.

I'm trying my best to work through this. Honestly at this point I'd take an open apology from her and be done with it. I wanted her to give me a second chance, now I'd settle for just an apology for the way she hurt me.

Anyways, I did get the job, I should probably start next week. Although because of all this I just can't feel excited about it, which is what is making me angry.

Thanks for reading guys, this sleeping pill is kicking in so I'll see you all later. Take care.

Relapse

2010-10-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

Hello people. Lately I have been making pretty good progress moving on or at least occupying my time so I don't think about her all day. Well last night and this morning that progress was set back about a week. I had a very unfortunate dream last night, and when I woke up this morning I could just tell it was going to be a bad day. I see my doctor today at 2:15 to see about sleeping pills and anti-depressants. I start seeing a therapist next month I believe. I honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I can't play the games we used to for fear that it would bring back memories and just hurt me more. I can't watch the shows we used to watch for the same reason. I find myself occupying my time by hanging out with my few remaining friends and my family. The part that will still have anything to do with me anyways. I gave up my life to be with this girl. If I wouldn't have we wouldn't have made it two years. And yes I'm thankful for those two years every day. But I'm also saddened by the fact they were thrown away in an instant. I don't know what to do. I've been taking your advice in the comments and trying to play games and watch shows and hang out with friends. I've tried everything in every comment that seemed reasonable and logical, and still nothing. I never want to forget about her, I just need a solid way to either move on, or convince her what she did was hurtful and she should at LEAST, at the very fucking least, apologize to me for what she did and said to me.

I know I'm asking for the impossible with this one guys. I just don't know who else to turn to.

Facebook?

2010-10-26T09:14:00.000-07:00

For years now I have been the epitome of the hate for Facebook. If you want to talk to someone, call them. Or even text them. But I guess it's time I caved into it. So I finally made one, and so far it's not TOO bad. Although half the people who added me I either have never seen in my life or it's some long lost family twice removed from my great step-uncles side.

As you can probably already guess I've never been the most social of people, usually just stayed at home and hung out with my family and a few friends. But that's a thing of the past. I'm not going to sit around all day moping about some chick who couldn't give a rats ass about me, so why should I care about her?

This is how I've decided to move on, make a Facebook! Haha, got to love the internet. Who knows, I might make a few good friends, maybe even meet a girl in my area. My second interview is also today at 6pm so today (so far) seems like a good day! I'll let you guys know later how the interview went, and whether or not I got the job!

Thanks everyone, take care.

"Callback"

2010-10-25T11:04:00.000-07:00

I got a call back from the person who did my interview last week saying they'd like a second interview. This time it will be a group of people instead of just one, and they want to test my reactions to "obnoxious customers" and stuff like that. So hopefully I do well on that!

Decided to schedule a doctors appointment to get sleeping pills and anti depressants. I've really only heard good things about anti-d's. Anything you guys could add? Comment and tell me if you think it's a good idea to take anti-depressants or not, and why!

Thanks a lot everyone, take care.

Finally got some Closure

2010-10-23T08:38:00.000-07:00

So my two year and two month relationship is finally over as of last night. Now the greiving process begins and I try to move on. I lost two previous girlfriends due to suicide. I will be put back on anti-depressants next week hopefully. I hate myself because I know throughout the rest of my life I will compare every girl to her. She was the one I wanted to marry. The one I wanted to have kids with.

She knew everything there was to know about me. We liked all the same video games, movies, books, music, everything. We were going to move in with each other on Christmas. Start our life together. And now I feel like mine ended abruptly. The worst part of it all is she doesn't care about me anymore. Hasn't for a long time. It just took me a while to realize it.

She had aspergers, which made her a very cold person, especially when she didn't take her medicine. I believe in my heart of hearts that most of the mean and hurtful things she said and did to me stem from that. She hasn't been on her medicine for a year now, and it's noticable. The reason she gave me for leaving is that we both changed. But I didn't. She changed enough for the both of us.

I can't promise anything but I'll try to stop writing about this whole thing. I know it's not healthy to linger on the past.

Jess if you ever read this, know that I still love you. I always will.

Thank you.

300!

2010-10-22T17:10:00.000-07:00

300 FOLLOWERS!

Thanks so much guys, this really means a lot. Now here's to the next 300! Cheers!

Job Interview!

2010-10-22T13:12:00.000-07:00

Hello ladies and gents, I have another brief announcement today! I had my first job interview this morning!

Now it was only for Blockbuster, but I interviewed with the district manager of Blockbuster for this area of Texas, so it was a pretty big deal. They said they'd more than likely call me back in for a second interview which would mean I am all but guaranteed the position!

On a different note, sadly still no idea as to what's going on with my (ex?)girlfriend. She is avoiding my calls and refuses to talk to me. So I guess only time will tell. Anyways, thanks again for (ALMOST!) 300 followers! Keep it up guys, give me that last little push today!

Update

2010-10-19T22:48:00.000-07:00

Hopefully getting some kind of closure about everything that's happened, but in the meantime...

Almost 300 followers! Thanks a lot guys, hopefully in the next few days I'll be able to hit 300! I really appreciate the fact that almost 300 seperate people have read and commented on my stories! It really does mean a lot, and a lot of what is getting me through this is you guys allowing me to vent my feelings about all this without being hateful or rude. So again, thank you guys and take care!

Last "feelings" post

2010-10-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

Alright guys I promise this will be the last one about my feelings, I'll try my best to continue stories tomorrow if I can. Anyways, let's begin.

So I woke up this morning after only two hours of sleep. Sleep definately isn't coming easy to me. I haven't eaten since it happened a few days ago. I also turned down a few offers to go out and hang out with people because I didn't want to bring the mood of those people down too. I tried just forgetting about it, but there's no way that will solve anything quickly. I tried doing other things that make me happy, but they just depress me because we used to do them together. I think my mom has set something up with a therapist. I used to go to therapy when I was younger because I have been through two suicides, both girlfriends at the time. On top of that, and my father doing five months ago I'm pretty numb.

I don't really know if she'll come back. Frankly I'm not sure I should even wait for something that probably won't happen. Yeah I miss her a lot, but she really hurt me. And I'm afraid if she came back I'd feel differently about her because of how much she hurt me. She still never gave me a reason as to why she left, so I have no closure. But from what I understand there's no other guy involved, she just got tired of me I guess.

Anyways, I feel pretty alone. Hung out with my brother and played some halo, that helped temporarily but after about two hours I just starting getting down again. I tried eating earlier and just threw it all back up (sorry if that's gross.) Tried reading my favorite book and I lost interest. I guess I just wanted to vent to someone, and my audience here is a good a place as any. Thanks for those of you who read this whole passage, I really appreciate knowing that some of you will.

Take care everyone.

Feelings

2010-10-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm feeling....Weird. For instance, I miss her, but at the same time I'm just kind of numb. Like I almost WANT to miss her but my emotions won't let me, so it's a definite conflict of interests. I've never felt like this really. I was with two girls before my ex girlfriend who both committed suicide within three years of each other, so my emotions were already tore to shreds before this happened.

I just kind of think my emotions are gone. I can feel the fact that I want to feel something, I want to cry or shout or be upset...I just can't. I took a few sleeping pills last night at about 4:30 am and woke up at 9:30 am...So not only are my emotions fucked, my body is rejecting everything. I'm not hungry, I can't drink anything, I don't want to do anything. I can't say if I want her back or not. I'm not sure myself. She hurt me really bad with what she did last night, and she never gave me a reason why she left. I think it might be for another guy, but she kept telling me it's not. Although she probably wouldn't tell me either way so I don't know. Sorry if this isn't the kind of stuff you guys wanted to see on my blog, I just need to vent somewhere. I have no one else to talk to. I'm thinking of setting up something with a therapist.

Has anyone had any success in the past from talking to a therapist about relationship troubles? Or do they just tell you to find another "fish in the sea" blah blah?

Very sorry.

2010-10-17T01:32:00.000-07:00

My two year relationship ended very abruptly today, so I think I just want to start writing about my feelings as well as telling stories. Sorry that this blog won't be just thriller stories or anything anymore. I just need some way to cope with the loss, and I guess telling complete strangers my problems sounded like a good idea when I wrote this. I guess we'll see in the morning. Sorry again.

Yet another update!

2010-10-15T14:27:00.000-07:00

Well I have some good news and some bad news. Good news is I feel a bit better than yesterday, but my flu bug thing has turned into a full blown cold, which is the bad news. I will try to start writing again tomorrow, sick or not so stay tuned for those of you who are interested! I really do appreciate the support and get well soons in the comments, means a lot. Going through a tough time in the family plus being sick makes for a pretty depressing lifestyle, so thanks a lot for keeping my chin up for me guys! Take care everyone, hope to see you tomorrow!

Another update

2010-10-14T11:39:00.001-07:00

Well sad to say, it hasn't gotten better since yesterday, only worse. Now I have sinusitus, strep throat, and a cold. So Hopefully I'll get over all this nonsense soon and be able to start writing as much as I want again. I appreciate all of you sticking around in support, take care everybody!

Apologies are in order.

2010-10-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, I just wanted to apologize for not keeping up with any kind of schedule, I've been extremely sick for the past few days and it's been tough to get out of bed, let alone come up with anything creative. Hopefully it will pass soon, but I woke up today sicker than when I woke up yesterday so as of right now there's no end in sight it seems. :(

Anyways, once I get over whatever it is that I have, I'll continue writing. Until then, I'll write when I think I can stay longer than twenty minutes at the computer without feeling sick. Take care guys.

Quick Announcement!

2010-10-12T13:43:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone, I just wanted to thank you all for two hundred followers! Woo!

Couldn't have done it without you guys, and I hope I've given you something worth following. Take care everyone and I'll see you all later. :)

Fifth Entry

2010-10-10T13:51:00.000-07:00

Fifth Entry

December 31, 1998

Yes..It's a gun. Why would she bring a gun here? Why would she want to hurt my dad? He apologized for hitting her husband. He didn't mean to hit him so hard. To be fair the man was trying to steal from us. And on Christmas too. She said she was coming to have someone to talk to, not to kill him. Please don't let him die, he's my dad. Please.

"If you honestly think anyone would forgive you for what you did, you must be dumber than you look." She said to everyone and no one. "I lied to you when you came to the hospital. He's not expected to recover. You hit him so hard you caused him to bleed internally. He's going to die. You took my husband away from me and my little girl. And now I'm going to take you away from your family!"

CLICK. The gun jammed.

As she looked at the gun with wild disbelief, it only took a few seconds from someone standing beside her to tackle her to the ground and kick the gun away from her. It was only a few more minutes before the police arrived, whisked her away, and then started questioning everyone about what had happened. They only asked me To tell the story again of exactly what happened. Then they just moved on to the next person after I told them. I never forgot about that night. Not to this day. And I always wondered...Why did the gun jam? Why does the gun always jam?

May 14, 2005
Three days after my birthday seven years later, something else worth mentioning happened to me. My mom was killed a few months ago in an attempted break in. Or so my dad told me. What he didn't know if that I knew what really happened. How she really died.

My father always had a temper. One wrong word and he'd go up in flames to whoever said it, he always was this way. I remember once he got into a fight with a man for looking at him the wrong way in this local bar. As I remember he had him over the pool table with the cue ball in his hand, beating the man over the head with it.

Flashback
Anyways, my mother was killed in early February. The 9th to be exact. On that day I was supposed to walk down to my friends house and spend the weekend with him. Well I walked the few blocks to his house, while my parents stayed in and watched movies, only when I got there they had already gone somewhere else for the weekend. On the way back home I stopped at the local 7-11 to get some candy or maybe a soda, I can't remember exactly. When I arrived home about thirty minutes later I went to open the front door and heard my parents arguing. I didn't exactly want to just walk in on them screaming at each other.

What was it that time? Money? I think it might have been money. They had been arguing a lot lately, starting after my dad was found with the maid about a year ago. And then his secretary about a year before that. As I started to walk away to go find someone else to hang out with, I heard a loud bang. Not lot gunshot bang, more like someone wooden maybe hitting the tile floor. It kind of startled me but it wasn't completely unusual, things had been thrown before. Yeah that's probably what happened.

"No please Mike, please don't. What about John and Brandon? Are you really going to make them go through this? PLEASE STOP, NOOOOO!" She screamed.

I had to get to her, I had to stop him from doing whatever he was doing. Why wouldn't my legs move?! Why couldn't I go to her rescue like she had done for me all those times? I was frozen with fear at what was happening inside. I could hardly keep down what I had for lunch thinking of what it was she wanted him to stop doing. My dad wasn't a murderer was he? No he probably just hit her. I still had to stop him. Why would he hit my mom? She's been there for him all these years, and even forgiven him for some terrible things. If I got in the way he'd probably just hit me too. I'd better go tell someone.

As I forced myself to stand and walked the two blocks to a good friend of mines house, I asked him to call the police. Since officers in my area usually don't go like the wind to get to domestic disturbance claims, it took them about half an hour to arrive. By then it was already too late.

Thanks for those of you who were so patient over the past few days waiting for this update, I've been really busy with a few things and dealing with the death in the family wasn't easy. I really do appreciate it guys. The next update should wrap up this particular story, then I should move on to the next one in a few days! Thanks again everyone, and take care.

Update

2010-10-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, I know it's been a few days since I updated but I just wanted to let everyone know that I went out of town to visit the family of the person who passed. Everything seems to be okay now, so I should be able to update in a few hours. Also, thanks a ton for helping me get 150 followers, it means a lot.

I also wanted to say that The story I last wrote about should be coming to an end in the next two parts most likely, then I'll start a new one right away. Thanks everyone for reading, and take care.