...Joy Comes In the Morning

From the Bird's Nest

2025-11-15T10:14:00.000-08:00

Good Morning World,

I'm sitting in my dining room watching the hills as the trees are shrouded in soft white clouds and the sun peaks through with winters lens showing the few remaining bright splotches of yellow leaves scattered through the evergreen forests. I am fortunate to be able to still see the hills, the skies and the trees.

I'm getting older...day by day. When I was younger, I didn't sense aging. It seemed as if I would always be strong, filled with energy and projects lined up just waiting to be completed.

I did not realize that after a point, I would have the experience of feeling the effects of age. It's here. At 75 the bumps, bruises, breaks experienced over the years have left me less able to do the things I used to. I am becoming more dependent on others to help me.

It's a weird experience shared by some friends and family who are supportive as I learn how to accept my limitations. Most of these comforting individuals have already encountered accidents, illnesses, limitations that life has brought them and they have learned how to not be overwhelmed by the changes. I have found their help and encouragement so valuable, I thank them for their transparency. They could have just put on a front and not disclosed their own painful journeys of learning to age gracefully in spite of illness, accidents and other setbacks.

As I look out my window I realize the sun is now brightening and it is nice to see the leaves on the trees in my own yard reflect the sunshine's yellow glow.

Earlier today I did my morning routine; make coffee, let the dog out, gather my devotional books and my Bible. I am blessed to have a recliner, and a new heated blanket. What blessings these are to me. I drink my coffee and read my devotions. I read three; In Touch Ministries free daily devotionals, Streams in the Desert,(Mrs. Charles Cowman) and In Quietness and Trust, (Angus Buchan). There are always words of encouragement in these devotionals and Bible verses to strengthen my faith.

I would like to think I have a strong faith, but the truth is I pray 'like the dickens' for God to help me believe when I am faced with the issues in life that are outside of my control. Which brings me to another point, I read my Bible daily. I need to, to bolster my faith. there is a verse that comes to my mind, "Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God." Romans 10:17

I could pretend that I have strong faith, that no matter what I believe in God. But I don't when bad things happen I have to pray and pray for God to give me faith.

Oh, and the other day when faced with more issues that needed to be addressed I discovered U-Tube on my TV has beautiful free videos with incredible nature scenes, music and scripture being read by narrator's with calm soothing voices. What a blessing when I am trying to make decisions about what to do about this or that issue that needs being done, yesterday (lol).

I know I am blessed beyond measure the difficulties I experience when compared with what some people are going through are very minor. I can still see, walk, talk, think, drive, hear, eat, cook, and plan. I read the little decoration I put on the TV stand that says, Always be thankful. I am thankful and as I move through this journey of aging I commit to keep doing those things that prevent me from sinking into despair or depression over the loss/decrease of my abilities.

Well, I just wanted to touch base with other people who are going through life and finding things a bit more than we might have expected.

Until next time, remember, "Weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning."

I Can Still See the Sky

2025-05-12T11:11:00.000-07:00

Day 1 – I can still see the sky…..

Recovering from an accident where broken, fractured bones have created so much pain, I’ve had to regroup finding my “happy” self. For many weeks, dizziness from head injuries kept me sort of “off-kilter”. I migrated from bed, around the house, to recliner, to bed. I have watched more news and podcasts then then the combined rest of my 74 years of life. My tiny dog and I have ongoing one-sided conversations. Good news, he doesn’t talk much lol.

I am still reading my daily devotionals and my Bible. Sometimes what I read touches my heart and soul and I send up prayers of thankfulness. Other times, nothing resonates, and I have moments where I search for verses that have some meaning for my current, wounded body and soul. I claim those promises taking comfort in the fact that one man who came to Jesus was very honest and said to Jesus, “I believe, help thou my unbelief.” I also try, ‘counting my blessings.’

I have food, home, bed, blankets, electricity, water, safe neighborhood, money to pay bills, some family, friends, and can still see, walk, think and talk. I am truly blessed.

The above helps most times I am discouraged. Sometimes though, when I keep hurting physically, or I am unable to do things, like open a bottle of water, simple task yet requires being able to turn the lid. My right hand, wrist and arm are injured and I can’t open water bottles, or a thousand other tasks I could normally do. Then I have nagging thoughts, “Why God?” “What now?”

This moment, I am sitting in my dining room, looking out the window at the clouds, the sky and the hills some miles away. The sun is poking through the patches of blue and seeing that makes me happy.

I’ve been housebound for 7 weeks unless my kids could drive me. Yesterday, dizziness finally gone, having the ability to have more use of my right thumb gave me the courage to drive to my local stores. I bought a little food, and some pet care items. It was such a big deal to me. The privilege to carefully get in my car, and drive! Today I have a longer jaunt for physical therapy. I will take it oh so slowly, (without becoming a road hazard, lol).

So back to the questions of; “Why God?, “What now?” I’m transparent with God about how I’m feeling and thinking. When my own faith runs low, I just keep reading the Bible and praying. I don’t know why, I don’t know what now, but this I know, God is faithful.

Now, watching the trees are they are gently touched by the sun and the breeze I feel blessed. My future plans list is pretty small, along with my daily to-do list, but I’m still here. Moment by moment I will continue on with the grace of God being the support through the times when the future looks dim, and the present seems kind of hard.

I am claiming the following verse:

“Hope in God and I will yet praise Him for the help of my countenance.”

Abridged: Psalm 42:11

The Journey Continues - Me, Myself & I

2023-12-02T10:30:00.000-08:00

It's been more than a bit since I blogged. Life happened, continues to happen and so many details seem to get in the way of reflecting on what is happening.

I just returned from a solo trip to Disney World. People ask, (with looks of disbelief I might add), "You went to Disney World by yourself?"

"Yes", I reply, "By myself." Whoever asked the question will generally look puzzled for a bit. This to them, seems unheard of, unnatural, weird. I totally understand, I do. I've spent much time with family over the years at Disney World. I have memories of the excitement, joy, frustration of multiple family members experiencing Disney World with all of its beauty, music, excitement, entertainment.

However, this year, I chose to go alone.

I work with young adults who are finding their way in the world. Anyone working with young adults will understand that 'finding their way' can and does involve a lot of struggle. That struggle translates into behaviors that can be less than shall we say desirable to be around. My goal is, to help people, and to do no harm.

Often that means bearing with the struggling individual who might be over-the-top in how they are expressing themselves. Enough said. Over time, holding steady while people are spinning out is wearing...... it's as if my energy bank flashes on and off, "Warning! Warning!"

And so I planned my trip. Oh note to self, unless you've been to Disney World, a lot of what I feel might seem to be a bit too much of 'fairy dust', and hyperbole.

Not for me, I have walked, watched, listened, participated in so many wonderful, experiences while at Disney World, it is my 'happy place'. So with that in mind, I planned my get away. Watching U-tube videos, researching strategies to experience as much as I could every waking moment of the Disney Days.

Now, home for over a day, I look back on my week at Disney World and treasure every moment. From the moment I arrived at the Orlando Airport, people were nice to me. The airport transport driver, so kind, friendly. The All Star Movies motel staff, "Wonderful!!!" I arrived early morning after an all night, 'red-eye' flight. Check in at hotel, is 4 pm. I explained my situation and the staff, helped me with a room, immediately. I found my room, clean, soft beds, pleasant, near a huge statue of Woody from Toy Story. I felt at home.

For a brief moment I thought, "Hmm, I guess I should sleep." I should have put that brief as BRIEF!

Unpacking my belongings quickly I headed out to the Parks. As I waited outside the hotel for the next Disney bus I reflected that one of the reasons I love staying at Disney Hotels is because they are kind, helpful, and they have transportation right there. I've rented cars before at Disney World but that just complicates things.

Hopping on a Disney Bus just brings more magic. I love watching the families. So precious!! Their special clothes, happy faces, excitement about going to the parks and riding their favorite rides, and seeing their favorite characters. While riding the bus on the way to the Park, I pray silently and thank God for allowing me this break to refresh my heart, soul, mind, body and spirit.

It would take me a whole book to describe all the wonderful things I did all 6 days in the Parks. All the people I met, the stories I heard, the special moments where I wanted to cry because I felt so happy.

I'll share just one example. One day, an Animal Kingdom day I decided to ride the little train next to Kilimanjaro Safari. I've taken the train ride, maybe a dozen times before. It goes past the places animals stay when not outside, and ends up in an animal hospital where some animals have surgery.

They have re-themed a large area in the same building as an animation, drawing experience. The walls are incredibly painted with pictures of hundreds of animals. You can watch the surgeries through glass windows. A Disney cast member came over and talked with me. She is an animator, and is one of several staff who teach the drawing class. She walked me around the facility showed me the drawings on the walls, gave me the history. She described the drawing class and with some hesitation, I decided to join the class. Another Disney animator walked Disney guests through drawing a cartoon character. At first I felt silly, I'm not much of an artist. But it ended up being fun! I listened, I watched and I drew. Surprisingly my drawing looks cool, (to me).

I finished the class and went outside to walk back to the train. I saw the sweet cast member who had visited to me, taken me on a tour of the facility and encouraged me to take the class. "It was fun!" I told her and thanked her for helping me. She smiled, and handed me a huge drawing she had made of Minnie Mouse. "Here", she said, handing me the drawing. "I want you to have this." Wow!! How cool." I thought. She asked me my name, put it on the drawing with her name and the date. I stored the drawing at Guest Services while I completed my day at the Park. A treasure now for me to frame and remember that happy experience.

For 6 days I soaked up the magic. Enjoying every moment, walking 6 - 7 + miles a day. There were so many special experiences on rides, on boats, on Monorails, on buses, at presentations, restaurants. I met so many people and had so much fun.

In the mornings, before the parks I read my devotionals, my Bible and drank my coffee. I am grateful to God that I was able to take this trip. Blessed beyond measure. God is faithful. When He sees life is a bit "too much" for his children, He mercifully helps us.

Going back to work after getting in at midnight the night before, I felt calm, ready to face the challenges of working with youth struggling to find their paths in the world. I try and help every student I meet. Sometimes, I can see that I have helped and that's a great feeling. Other times, I can't see that I've made any impact. However, one special joy and a privilege I have in my current employment is driving students to church. Any given Sunday I don't know who will come to my building and put their name on the list to ride in the van to church. But I do know that some of these students have connected with their Higher Power, God, and those life-changing decisions will impact the rest of their life in a good way.

I love the following verse. I believe that God saw my heart, my need and allowed me this time away to rest, refresh and renew.

"God is faithful, and He will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing He will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it."I Corinthians 10:13

If in your life, right now you are facing things too difficult, too painful to bear, pray and ask God to help you and He will.

Always,

Robin

2016-09-08T14:12:00.000-07:00

To those of you who wonder, "Did she die?" What happened to her?.... "It's like she dropped off the face of the earth."

Here is an update.

In some ways it felt like that. But, God is faithful, I am strong, healthy and most of the time, yes, most of the time happy.

I've been reading a lot recently about how God uses the sorrow, sadness, difficult things in our lives to deepen the quality of our character. In the middle of the fire, it's hot. That's a given, but fire, or difficulties burn away the dross.

Well, I haven't reached perfection this side of heaven but I do feel like I've gained perspective. And this is useful how? you might ask.
Perspective gives you a way to approach painful times and know that they are temporal, temporary and only for a while. Knowing that allows you the ability to think past your immediate crisis.

And much more than that, perspective allows to realize that God is faithful. Yes, life can be heartbreaking. Yes, people can let you down, betray you, etc. But God is Sovereign. That's a perspective that gives hope, that gives purpose and infuses any situation with peace.

Not sure the direction this blog is headed. But just wanted to give an update.

Remember, trust God, believe and your

Joy will come in the morning!!!

Patch of Blue, Twenty-First Century Style

2016-02-05T12:50:00.001-08:00

When I was little, there was a movie called, Patch of Blue. As a young person watching this movie it seemed so sad, a blind, abused young woman in love with a black man. This during the racially charged era in America. It also seemed so sad to me that all she could remember seeing, was one patch of blue. How unfair. How tragic.

The name of the movie reckoned back to the young woman's memory of what the sky looked like. Today, I sit in a home perched above a valley, small rural town, houses patch-worked on the valley floor. In the near distance, a network of hills forms a border for the ever changing skies. Early morning today, the highest hills were painted a golden hue by the rising of the sun. Last night, the evening sun colored the skies in rich tones of pink and fading reds.

I am so fortunate to have had vision all these 65 years. I am grateful and aware of what a wonder it is to see all the beauty of the earth, free for the taking. I know, sometimes, I am tempted to shield my eyes from the sight of homeless people peering distractedly into my car window. I don't want to meet their eyes, knowing from experience how difficult it is to make any impact into their tortured existence. I want to shut my eyes when faced with commercials that show children suffering with massive birth defects, still trying to be positive in their struggles.

In my life, I have to draw a circle of sorts around those things that I can deal with in any given day. I rely on God to give me strength, but the faith to step out into areas where I don't 'feel' like I have any strength means I watch myself. Maybe it's a form of control, or more realistically, it's a form of survival. Each day, I sort of have a must do list. There are things on that list that have to get done. Yes, things can displace those listed items. If the family members get sick or need help, my list goes out the window.

Recently, it's been a mixture of both, things on the must do list, and taking care of sick family members. Some of the things on the list, still remain on the back of my mind, nagging with their own voices. "What about your new roof?" "Isn't it still leaking?" "Shouldn't you call them again?" or "What about that home repair loan you need?" "Didn't they say you needed to get it done as soon as possible?" The list goes on, and it's a long list.

Two of my current favorite authors are Charles Stanley and Joyce Meyers. I will read something they've written and it seems to hit right where I'm at. Recently two themes they've shared are, acquiring the virtue of patience, and learning to wait. Two sides of the same coin. I have a lot of "wait" time right now. Situations that are unresolved, troublesome, annoying and pending. One situation that has evolved over several months is my leaking roof. It was a matter of concern and prayer for months. "How will I ever fix this God?" "Where will I get the money?" Day after day I prayed, week after week I waited. Month after month went by. And then, one day, a miracle occurred. A bank loan officer figured out the way to loan me the money.

Hurray!!! Then, more waiting for the roof contractor to find the time to replace the roof. So the day came, the banging, the hammering, and at the end, a new, pretty roof. And then, it leaked. More calls, more visits, more calls, and then more waiting. Some pressure to finish paying before it was fixed. Me, in faith, and some fear and trembling saying, "No, it's still leaking." Today, hearing that they were at my home installing the new, company bought skylights that will hopefully stop the leaking roof, I sigh. I so love those skylights, showing the patch of blue skies on sunny days; revealing the wind swept clouds on stormy days; echoing the patter of rain on rainy days. Sitting in my family room, I can look up, beyond my situation and see God's hand reflected in the framed wonder of his canvas.

I love my own 'patch of blue' and am in hopes that this final repair will end the whole leaking roof saga and take it off my "must do" list. Learning patience to wait for God's answers to all the other must do's will require I try to stay focused on His word and His promises and not on my fear, not on my anxiousness, not on my need.

If you like me, are in the midst of multiple situations that need resolved, perhaps you'll find encouragement and hope by reading some of the devotionals by Joyce Meyers, or Charles Stanley. Additionally, I know if you read verses from the Psalms, you'll find comfort and strength for your soul. I'm going to provide the links here so you can paste the web address into your browser and go.

www.intouch.org Charles Stanley

In Touch Ministries

www.joycemeyers.org

Joyce Meyers Ministries

Well, until next time I hope each of you finds comfort and strength in the Sovereign God and His promises.

Robin

In God's Waiting Room

2016-02-04T14:49:00.002-08:00

There are those days, when the sun shines, the air is fresh and crisp and it just feels like good things are going to happen.

Those mornings, it's easy to face a to-do list because your mood, your spirit are ready to face anything. On those days, you set out, hopes high and wait for something good to happen.

Understandably, inevitably, those days aren't the norm. I have found that moods aren't dependent on circumstances, but are apt to present themselves with all their challenges without warning, leaving you struggling to find the natural buoyancy that accompanies a good mood and wondering what happened.

A lot of life has "what happened?" moments. As a senior in America, increasingly I am discovering that by in large respect for elders is decreasing. In a time when I could use support, encouragement and respect, it is discouraging to see that many, many people see Elders as people who are in the way of their "good time". Elders are known as "buzz kills", "kill-joys", "old fogies", "stuck in the past", "narrow-minded", "biased", "prejudiced", "Old-fashioned", the list goes on.

In some ways, it makes me want to retreat to the safety of my home, away from the snide remarks, rude comments, aggressiveness that all too often marks many of the younger people I meet, or have worked with. Along with the flagrant disregard I've seen for Elders is the concomitant disregard for honesty. I seen people who think nothing of using lying as a coping mechanism to cover up mistakes. Make a mistake? It's ok, just lie about it.

Oh, there are wonderful young people. I know some and their integrity isn't something the take lightly. They have a firm sense of right and wrong, they believe, (for the most part) in God, and have a respect for life, family and Elders.

However, they are not in the majority. So, staying positive in these later years of my life is a bit more challenging. (That's putting it mildly).

I find reading my Bible in the first part of the day, and late at night helps a great deal to stay focused on eternal values and helps me let go of the pain. Having devotional books to read, and help me focus supports a positive attitude. Praying, and then praying some more helps with the hurt and resentments.

I realize I was fortunate, I had good, responsible parents. They provided for me, they loved me. I am way ahead of the "life game" there. I also have had many, many opportunities in life. I have been blessed. And most importantly, I have had the wonderful priviledge to be a Christian for many years. Don't think I believe that makes me perfect, no, I know better than that. But it does make me aware of being forgiven, of learning about responsibility for my actions, and most painful, (growing through my mistakes).

The other day I was having some pain, physical, and I asked God, "God, can I live a while yet? I really enjoy my grandchildren." Staying focused on enjoying the simple events in my life enables me to gradually get over some of the more painful experiences from the hands of people who brutally think Elders are just in their way.

Some of me wants to rise up, with other seniors and form a group to support each other before the social climate reaches the point where it's voted into law to euthanize everyone over 60. Brave New Word, isn't that far from today, for sure. But then, as I look at life, evaluate my relationship to God I realize this phase of my life is going to need a different approach.

Unlike much of our American culture, God doesn't put Seniors on the shelf, He has plans for them up to and including the day they die and they leave this earth. Praying to find that plan, and follow it is my Plan A. Seek God and follow in His footsteps, even if I'm going a little slower, God doesn't mind.

Deuteronomy 31:8

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

The Ultimate Encourager

2016-01-06T12:20:00.003-08:00

January 2-The ultimate encourager

MANY OF MY CHILDREN AND GRANDCHILDREN participated in sports. There was Little League, Basketball, Football, Swimming and Track practices in seemingly unending procession. Child after child learned that lesson that a coach was someone who urged them to, “Try harder!” “Push yourself!” “Don’t be a wimp!” The kids have had good coaches, great coaches and not so great coaches. The not so great coaches tended to be the ones that relied on put downs and public shaming.

A good example of a not so good coach is aptly illustrated by the following story. One late fall afternoon while my son Joseph was in High School, I can remember waiting at school for my son’s basketball practice to get over. The gym at the old Fort Vancouver School had a balcony where parents could wait and watch practice. My son Joseph, a 6’7’ natural athlete loved basketball. He would shoot hoops in our back yard for long periods of time, perfecting his shot. In that practice, on that day the basketball coach decided to ridicule my son in front of his team mates. Waiting in the balcony, it was all I could do from restraining myself from telling the coach then and there what I thought of him, which wasn’t much at that point.

My son, highly intelligent, gifted, sensitive, was horribly embarrassed and quit the team. No amount of encouraging on my part could get him to go back. He had lost heart. This coach, intended to be someone who built up the young men he worked with, instead with a few, insensitive put downs had wounded the heart of a very capable player. Most of us have had people in our own lives that have at some point in time, been those same insensitive people who wounded our hearts with their attitudes, actions and words. These people may have been parents, care givers, teachers, coaches, bosses, co-workers; the list could go on and on. Any person, in any capacity has the power to be an encourager or a discourager. The attitudes of heart, mind and emotions they cultivate will determine who they are to others.

The good news for us as humans is that God’s not that kind of God. Instead of ridiculing us, putting us down when we fail at being “good”, or “noble” or any of the other of dozens of admirable character traits we aspire to be, He is gentle, caring, compassionate and gives us a way out of the shame and pain of failing. First and foremost, He, God sent His Son Jesus Christ to pay the penalty for all our mistakes; past, present and future. In a miraculous, unfathomable sacrifice, He died on the cross to make a way for us to be reconciled, (made right with) the Father, our Creator, God.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only, begotten son. That whoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” John 3:16

How can any of us fathom what that free gift is worth? Can we measure eternity? Can we estimate the inestimable personal value of being free from guilt, free from a sense of worthlessness due to our poor choices? Can we understand how to value the priceless treasure of being able to come to God in prayer, knowing and believing that He hears us, that he answers and that He cares? As each of us sets our course for the year ahead, deciding what place we will give seeking after God, is a challenge we all face.

. Note to Self- Day 2- I will determine to appreciate all the free gifts that are mine. Life, breath, thought, sight, hearing, family and most importantly the fact that God loves me. I am blessed. I will learn to thank God for His goodness to me for salvation, for comfort, for strength, for provision, for purpose, for His sustaining power.

January 3- “Fool’s Gold”

AS A YOUNG CHILD I had the privilege to grow up in the country. We had woods, and fields, and rivers where I could play for hours. Building forts, exploring trails, fishing for trout, I had a wonderful life. Sometimes, I would hunt for gold. In hills, creeks, streams and rivers I would look for rocks bearing shining spots of gold. Gathering my treasures to show my father I can still remember the disappointment of him explaining to me about mica, or “fools gold.” For a brief moment, I thought I was rich!!! It didn’t seem right that there could be something that looked like gold, glittered like gold and yet was worthless.

In life, the process of learning to sort through the worthwhile and the worthless things is part and parcel of being human. Most of us has had the unpleasant experience of having similar “fools gold” moments. We’ve gone after relationships, careers, friendships that looked ever so promising and proved to be ever so disappointing. Learning from these mistakes will require that we take time to rethink ourselves. At this point, some people stop cold and decide to adopt a fatalistic viewpoint; “What will be will be.” “Whatever happens, happens.” “I’m just going to go with the flow.” Others, become paralyzed by fear, afraid to make difficult choices because what they’ve tried has failed miserably.

Is there no hope out of this quandary (dilemma, predicament, fix, jam, difficulty)? Are we doomed to keep experiencing pain and suffering, pawns of fate and chance? Is there no way to figure things out? More good news! God has provided us with a way of escape from being hapless victims of the universe. Not only did He provide His Son as our Savior to reconcile (re-unite) us with Him. He gave us a guide book, the Bible, to help us sort out the questions of life.

Reading this guidebook, the Bible, will help us while we are choosing what we value. What we value, creates the undergirding of our life plan. Our beliefs will determine the importance and significance of our attitudes, actions and practices. Choosing carefully requires that we include in our planning the process of thoughtfully considering the concepts of; good and evil, right and wrong, eternal vs temporal (earthly), the existence of God vs nothingness.

Growing up, my mom had a plaque on our kitchen wall, it read, “Only one life, will soon be past, only what’s done for Christ will last.” Facing this New Year with the belief that our lives and the things we do (or don’t do) will impact others for eternity makes it very important that the foundation of our plans rests on a firm foundation of truth.

As a young grandmother raising three grandchildren I participated in the Head Start program. It was a wonderful experience and as part of that experience I was sent to Alaska as a representative. Anchorage in the winter was beautiful. In between the conference schedule I explored. The Iditarod Dog sled teams were assembling for their great trancontinetal race. In the park, elaborate, exquisite ice sculptors had been created. The ice sculptors were enormous and lit by ethereal lights. Intricate, amazingly executed they were there just for a few moments of time before they would perish forever. We like those sculptors are here for just a moment of time. If what we do impacts eternity how seriously should we give thought to how we spend our days?

“Teach me to number my days so that I will apply my heart unto wisdom.” Proverbs

. Note to Self- Day 2- I will continue to consider that I am created in the image of God. I will realize that through Christ I have eternal life. I will seriously consider that what I do impacts others, not only for now but forever. In light of this awareness I will carefully, prayerfully choose what I give my time and heart to this coming year.

January 4 – No Matter What

OCCASIONALLY, I FEEL GUILTY for having such a blessed life. People who know me might think it odd that I believe that. They can see: I never found my true love, (divorced), I never won any beauty contests, (plain), I never did a lot of things. But, and this is important, I NEVER in my life have gone hungry. I have NEVER had a life threatening illness. I have NEVER lost a child to death. I have NEVER experienced more than a couple of days of not having a place to live. And, most importantly I have always had some sense that God was there, that He cared and wanted to help me.

Oh, to be perfectly honest there have been those times in my life when younger when something bad happened I would cry and angrily accuse God with, “Why didn’t you stop this? You could of!” I might pout, I might rant, I might rage because I was angry, hurt and of so devastated. Eventually, I would come back to God and ask him to help me sort things out. It has always comforted me to read the Psalms when I’m going through trials of any kind. Not only do these Psalms talk about the tough things of life, it also talks about the tough part of our reactions to the pain. David was a real person who talked about feeling angry. He talked about wanting God to kill the people who had threatening him, lied about him, hunted him , and terrorized his tribe and family. He never sugar coated anything.

Later on in Scripture there is a passage that states, “David was a man after God’s own heart.” If God liked, loved David who was really transparent about hating his enemies that gives me hope. Those times when I’ve found it impossible to love the people who’ve hurt me I know that God can accept my humanness and still love me. Does that me hating my enemies is the right thing to do? Does it mean we are supposed to not only want God to take revenge but to take revenge ourselves? Well, no it doesn’t.

What I’ve discovered is that I am mellowing with age. As I continue to read my Bible, pray, ask others to pray for me I am gaining a new perspective. I still experience the anger when injustice is done. The pain is still there, but, and this is important, I take to God in prayer more quickly. I pray for God to help me love this unlovely, or these unlovely, individuals and to help me not to have bitterness, resentment and revengeful thoughts. I continue to pray for those people, no matter what. What I’ve seen that accomplish is that I reach a place of acceptance quicker. I reach a place of peace sooner. And, (very important) whatever they’ve done to me loses it’s power to wound me.

Before anyone starts thinking this is just another version of “the power of positive thinking” let me clarify a few things. 1. There can’t be anything between me and God. 2.There can’t be any harboring of bad habits of mind, emotion or body. 3. I must filled with His presence. (Holy Spirit) 4. You can’t violate principles that are in the Bible. 5. You must be willing to be changed.

The above transformation doesn’t happen automatically. It takes a willingness, a wanting to, a submission of your will, and a commitment to seeking God. Is all this work worth it you might ask? Yes, oh yes is my answer. I allows me the freedom to be free from suffering from what other people do to me. It takes the “sting” out of the actions. Through the power of the Holy Spirit I am able to “let it go” no matter what.

. Note to Self- Day 4- When stuff happens to me, I will run to the anchor of my soul, God the Creator of the whole world loves me and has promised to help me. “I will trust and not be afraid, for Yah, the Lord, is my strength and song. He also has become my salvation.” Isaiah 12:2”You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for in Yah, the Lord, is everlasting strength. Isaiah 26:3-4

Day 5- Rediscovering Joy

SOMETIMES. LIFE CAN WEAR YOU DOWN. War, sickness, poverty, bad marriages, wayward family members, oppressive work situations, addictions, physical and sexual abuse are only a partial list of situations that can seemingly go on forever and wear your heart, mind, spirit and emotions down to a flat, painful, survival mode. Millions of people are in that mode right now, it’s awful but true. Possibly, you might be reading this and you are in that mode. The painful, hurtful situation goes on and on. You’ve tried everything you know to do to make it better. You’ve prayed, you’ve utilized every resource imaginable and still the unpleasant, almost unbearable situation grinds on. I used to describe this kind of situation to a pastor, “It feels like I’m hanging on to life with my fingernails and at any time I could just slip and fall into the pit.”

The trauma experienced by people who go through awful life experiences impairs their ability to experience joy. They can imagine what it might be like; they can fantasize that someday the awfulness will end; but to experience it in the midst of the unending sorrow is well nigh to impossible. Psychiatrists I’m sure have a word to describe this prolonged exposure to trauma. In the battle zone, PTSD has gained recognition of a condition veterans develop as a response to the horrors experienced in war zones. I’m not sure if there’s another term for the prolonged exposure to stress, (outside the war zone). The closest I can come is “traumatization.” Life and people have thrown a multitude of unpleasant, awful things at you, outside of your control, and you are worn down, worn out, and weary. You pray, at least I have, for it to be over.

I used to sing all the time. I wrote songs, I performed them in church. Music was part of my life and response to the joy I felt in the Lord. I wrote about God bringing me through the fire, and saving me from the flood. I wrote and sang about pleading with God to end the trials, acknowledging that He chooses the proper time. And then I went into the fire again. Like the furnace with Shadrack, Mesach and Abindego, it was heated seven times hotter. I stopped singing. I didn’t stop believing, but the music departed from my soul. At times my excellent health faltered, and it appeared I might be ill. I set my feet, I continued to pray and determined not to quit. Things continued to go from bad to worse. I continued to pray, “God, is it time? Can I choose another path?” I continue to get the answer, “Wait.” And so I waited, but continued to wear down under the battle.

And then the door opened. I was free from the situations. After several sighs of relief; thanks to God to bringing me out I realized I am going to have to relearn how to have joy in my life. I’m starting small. Helping my youngest clean while she recouped from a long bout of being sick brought me some joy. It made me feel happy to see my grandchildren smile at their rooms. Taking time to enjoy reading my Bible and morning devotionals, that brings me joy. Waiting for family in the truck taking time to appreciate the beauty of an outdoor light display, a small moment of joy.

After a long siege of troubling circumstances you experience an emotional numbness. The healing process will take a while. Trying not to accomplish too much, too soon I believe promotes the healing. I am allowing myself to have some time to recoup, refresh and heal.

With my hands in God’s, support of family and friends I believe moment by moment I will rediscover my joy. Learning to be patient with myself as I go through this process means I will consciously be kind to myself. Later, after this respite time, perhaps I will be better equipped to help others as they go through their own valley of weeping to rediscover their joy.

“Thou wilt show me the path of life, in thy presence in fullness of joy. Psalms

. Note to Self- Day 5-I will recognize and allow myself to heal from a negative, prolonged situation. I will be thankful that I am “cast out, but not forsaken cast down, but not destroyed.”

Day 6-

In the Way Everlasting...........

2016-01-01T18:40:00.002-08:00

January 1

NEW YEARS HAS A BLESSING wrapped up in its pages. It is filled with promise, potential, and the unknown. It is the unknowingness of facing the next 365 days that fills many of our hearts with fear. The “what ifs?” tend to hover in our thoughts and worry looms on our horizons of emotions, mood and motivations.

There are parts of the Bible that speak eloquently about the sacredness and joy of new beginnings. These stories all are grounded in the first and most blessed truth;

“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” Genesis 1:1.

Our natural, human minds cannot begin to grasp the immensity of what those words embody. That in a point of the history of everything we can see, feel, touch, smell, comprehend, there was a beginning. There was a nothingness that existed, and then, in an incomprehensible Creation moment by a being, God the Creator, that surpasses anything any of us can begin to comprehend, the heavens and the earth were spoken into existence. What power! What enormity! What wonder!

Presently, I can look out my window and see the lush cedar branches lit by golden sunlight, swaying in a chill, winter wind. Could I create that tree? If I really, really wanted to? If I worked, and studied, and worked my entire life, I could never create even one cedar tree. I cannot create the wind, or the sun, or the millions of other elements that make up my known world. I am and you are wonders of creation also. We accept what we are; we accept the gift of life, without understanding how or why we exist. We are born into the world as it were, blank slates, upon which are written in our hearts and minds longings to know, and be known by this Creator, God.

“So God created man in His own image, and in the image of God created He him. And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.” Genesis 1:27,31

We are, made in the image of God. We were pronounced a good creation. We have each been gifted with the ability to think, plan, dream, work, create and fulfill our destinies. How important is it to seek to know what we should do with our lives; to understand if we are merely captives in a world that is without purpose, a day to day existence that just happens? Or to know, beyond knowing that God, the Creator made us to live in His creation as vibrant, alive, purposeful beings with lives marked by purpose, and passion and fulfillment of vision.

A New Year, this New Year beckons with open arms for us to seek with open hearts and minds to know what our purposes are for this year. To pray and ask God to illumine our thoughts with His plans, His purposes so that the goals we create, the plans we make fall in line with His purpose and plan for our lives.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to given you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Unsure? Don’t know where to start? Keep these three things in mind: 1. Be willing to seek God. (Humbleness) 2. Read the Bible daily. (Diligence) 3. Pray and ask God for His guidance. (Openness).

. Note to Self- Day 1- I will see my world as one filled with possibilities. I will envision myself as partners with the Creator of the Universe to plan my days, to fulfill my purposes. I will endeavor to see each day as a priceless gift upon whose page I have the privilege of writing my purpose in planned, creative actions.

In the Valley.............

2015-11-26T18:51:00.003-08:00

In the valley……………………… Part II Isaiah 59:9-21

Sunday November 22, 2015 10:00 am

an earlier year's snow

Here in my corner of the world, it is a brilliant sunny winter day. The rooftops, streets and trees are coated with a thick white dusting of frost. My last few fall roses have bowed their heads and I rue their passing. Roses make me feel happy, they remind me of my mother and their beauty enlivens my world.

My dogs, unaware of the seasons cold, want to romp and stomp outside and let me know with their insistent yelps. I stop and let them out and they immediately head for the sunny bench seat of the deck and look at me with surprised eyes as the nip of the chilling air works through their fur. It won’t be long before the give the same insistent yelps to, “Let me back in, I’m cold!”

So here I am, safe warm, fed. Coffee cup near. I am so fortunate, I realize that deeply, and I am thankful that God has made provision for me. I am blessed beyond knowing with so much abundance of everything. “Thank you God!”

Coffenburry Lake, Fort Stevens,Oregon

After my devotional time this morning, and prayers, I felt that I should spend some time finishing up my study of Isaiah 59. If you are reading this now, and didn’t read Part I, it’s on this blog page and it’s entitled, At the Crossroads. I strongly encourage you to read Part I first to gather the themes present in this chapter. A week has passed in my life since writing Part I. So much has happened in that time. My life is packed full of people, events, drama, chores, activities, choices and the list goes on. At this moment, I am taking a break to feed my soul. If I don’t, I will be worn down and weary before the week begins.

So, back to our study. We left off with verse 8 of Chapter 59 of Isaiah. Previously, we had looked at the questions of why God might not be hearing us; what things in our lives might be separating us from Him. We then looked at our own selves in terms of our responsibilities in this world to others. We explored what the nature of man looks like when we turn away from God and how those evil actions result in pain for others and ourselves as we lose all peace. Now this take a look at the rest of the chapter.

Isaiah 59:9 – “Therefore justice is far from us, Nor does righteousness overtake us: we look for light, but there is darkness! For brightness, but we walk in blackness!” King James

Isaiah 59:9 – “It is because of all this evil that deliverance is far from us. That is why God doesn’t punish those who injure us. No wonder we are in darkness when we expected light. No wonder we are walking in the gloom.” New Living Translation

Last fall leaves on the Fort Stevens rrail.

This is an interesting passage, it carries the idea further about how it’s not any problem on God’s side that prevents answers but often, it’s us that has moved away. I’ve heard the story once about the married couple who often took drives in the country for one of their weekend outings. They enjoyed seeing the scenery, passing through farmlands, stopping here and there at a steam or river to enjoy the sights and sounds of the forested hills. Sometimes they would enjoy long conversations on these trips, other times, they would just enjoy the companionable silence.

Over the years, circumstances came up and the wife experienced increasingly bitterness towards her husband. “Why didn’t he talk with her the way he used to?” “Why didn’t he pick the first spring flowers and bring them home like he used to?” The list grew and grew and emotionally they began to grow apart. Finally, on one of their weekend drives, she couldn’t bear it any longer. From her side of the front seat she began, “I don’t know what’s wrong between us? We aren’t as close any more!!!” The husband, paused a moment, patted the space on the seat next to him and gently told his wife, “I haven’t moved.” The wife, in a moment of realization, saw the distance between them, realized it was her that moved away and scooted across the distance to again be next to her sweetheart.

Mushrooms, quietly growing near the path.

With us, as humans, we complain about God often, (me too, I’m embarrassed to admit). “Why is He taking so long to fix this situation?” “Doesn’t He know how much I’m hurting?” “Why isn’t He answering my prayers?” “Doesn’t He care about me?” And on it goes.The first place to start when we feel like this is taking personal inventory asking ourselves the question, “Am I harboring anything in my life that would come between me and God?” Bringing our weaknesses of heart, mind and emotion to Him and asking Him to cleanse us, forgive us and heal us is the first therapeutic step in restoring that closeness, and peace.

I’m going to veer off for a second and discuss another aspect I’ve mentioned before in my blog, God’s timing. I’m the first one to admit, it’s hard to wait for the answers to prayers. There are circumstances that are so painful to endure; broken marriages and relationships, people we love caught in addictions, people we care about with diseases and illnesses, financial problems, work problems, our own problems of health, mind and circumstances. I don’t like suffering, it hurts. If it goes on for a long time, it’s discouraging and depressing. I’m also impatient and want things to be fixed right away. I know I’m not alone there.

Fort Clatsop trail...winter beauty.

Going through a valley of any kind, we want to get to the end of it, like David we sigh, “Oh Lord how long? Once, earlier in my life, when prayers I’d prayed for years seemed to never get answered I read Psalm 75 which talks about God choosing the right time to act. The waiting on God isn’t easy for me, its as if my heart sees the waves, of trouble, disappointment, persecution, and I sink into the sea of doubt and fear. I have to work on bolstering up my faith with prayers, Bible reading, and asking other Christians to pray with me. It’s not something that comes “naturally” to us, it’s something (faith) that comes supernaturally.

So back to verse 9, looking for light is an analogy that’s an easy one for us to identify with. Once, a year ago, I was on my way to a 2 day trip to Seattle and hurried down the stairs to the front door. I had turned off all the lights to save money, and near the end of the stairs I misjudged the distance, and down I went, suitcase and all. I sat stunned, pain going through my body and after a survey for broken bones, dusted myself off and got back on my way. Question? Would having a light on prevented that fall? Most likely.

A fern,saying it's last goodbye to the season.

In life, I’ve observed that often, situations can create feelings that resemble darkness. A bad relationship, an inhospitable work environment, prolonged illnesses, all of these events can being to feel like, there’s no hope. No matter which way you turn, nothing changes, in fact things appear to get worse. If you lose your faith, or closeness to God, (who is sovereign over every circumstance), the situations get worse.

Vs 10- “We grope for the wall like the blind, and we grope as if we had not eyes; we stumble at noon day as at twilight; we are as dead men in desolate places.” King James

Vs 10- “No wonder we grope like blind people and stumble along. Even at brightest noontime, we fall down as though it were dark. No wonder we are like corpses when compared to vigorous young men!” New Living Translation

I’ve had two blind friends in my life. Both of them were young adults when I knew them. We were all students in the music program at the small community college we attended. They were bright, talented, interesting people. On occasion I would take them places. They had their own strategies for getting around. If it was a location, or room they were familiar with they would make their way around. If they needed my help, they would hold on to me firmly and follow my lead. They had learned to cope with their blindness and engage in world around them. This verse isn’t talking about people who are blind like this. It’s talking about people who lose their sight suddenly, or are alone in an unfamiliar place, desperately trying to find their way around.

I’ve felt like that more than once in my life. Things have been too stressful and painful and seemed to go on without end. My Bible is full of notes in the margin that mark those valleys in my life. My Bible is also full of places where I’ve noted, “Delivered!!! Answered prayer!!” Those answered prayers while in the valley of weeping or trials, are places I can look back to as testimonies of the faithfulness of God. These answers to prayer in the past, are encouragers to me now to not despair, to not give up, to believe that in due time help will come, right will prevail, and God will triumph over evil. Let’s go on to the next set of verses.

The lake is quiet as my dogs and I hike on silent, woodland floors.

Vs 11- 14 We all growl like bears, and moan sadly like doves; we look for justice, but there is none; for salvation, but it is far from us. For our transgressions are multiplied before You and our sins testify against us; for our transgressions are with us, and as for our iniquities, we know them; in transgressing and lying against the Lord, and departing from our God, speaking oppression and revolt, conceiving and uttering from the heart words of falsehood. Justice is turned back, and righteousness stands afar off; for truth is fallen in the street, and equity cannot enter King James.

Isaiah 59 Vs 11-14 “We growl like hungry bears; we moan like mournful doves. We look for justice, but it is nowhere to be found. We look to be rescued, but it is far away from us. For our sins are piled up before God and testifying against us. We, we know what sinners we are. We know that we have rebelled against the Lord. We have turned our backs on God. We know how unfair and oppressive we have been, carefully planning our deceitful lies. Our courts oppose people who are righteous and justice is nowhere to be found. Truth falls dead in the streets, and fairness has been outlawed.” New Living Translation

There is beauty in the winter forest.

Whew, how grateful I am that when I move away from God by my own willful actions, I’m not stuck there. Like the prodigal son, I can go home, to the love, closeness and shelter of His love. It starts with confession, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from every wrong.” I John 1:9 New Living Translation

God gives more than one, “Do over.” For those of you to whom that phrase might not have meaning, let me explain. In Little League baseball, the very youngest children have what’s called T-Ball. It’s where they learn the beginnings of what baseball is. Sometimes, the little ones are so fragile when they miss, and so heartsick, the coach will call out, “You get a “do-over” That means it’s as if the ‘miss’ never happened. They get to try again. God gives us lots of, “Do overs!” I’m so grateful. Every day is a new day, every moment is a new moment as long as I, don’t move away from God by choosing behaviors that are contrary to His revealed will and goodness and, (this is important) when I recognize those failures on my part, I need to realize or confess them, and ask His forgiveness and I am restored into fellowship with Him, my peace returns, and my faith renews, I am back in the “light” of His love.

Vs 15- “ So truth fails, and he who departs from evil makes himself a prey.” King James

Vs 15- “ Yes, truth is gone, and anyone who tries to live a godly life is soon attacked.” New Living Translation

I don’t want to branch out into a political discussion here other than to say, currently in many realms, schools, governments even families, verse 15 describes a culture where ‘freedom of choice’ is increasingly becoming freedom of choice for those who oppose godly family values, not those who are trying to uphold the sanctity of the home, and faith in God. Wow, so what does this mean? Are things hopeless and we as Christians can only aspire to struggle, and fight, and barely survive? Well, we haven’t reached the end of the chapter yet.

Vs 15 – 18 “ Then the Lord saw it, and it displeased Him. That there was no justice. He saw that there was no man, and wondered that there was no intercessor; Therefore His own arm brought salvation for Him; and His own righteousness, it sustained Him. For he put on righteousness as a breastplate, and a helmet of salvation of His head; He put on the garments of vengeance for clothing, and was clad with zeal as a cloak. According to their deeds, accordingly He will repay, fury to His adversaries, recompense to His enemies; the coastlands He will fully repay.” King James

Vs 15-18 “Yes truth is gone and anyone who tries to live a godly life is soon attacked. The Lord looked and was displeased to find that there was no justice. He was amazed to see that no one intervened to help the oppressed. So He himself stepped in to save them with his might power and justice. He put on righteousness as his body armor and placed the helmet of salvation of his head. He clothed himself with the robes of vengeance and godly fury. He will repay his enemies for their evil deeds. His fury will fall on his foes in distant lands.” New Living Translation.

The forest has always called my name. I am at home in the woods.

Like many people, I like to find heroes, people I can admire, look up to and at times go to for help. Often times, heroes are only people we read about, or see on televisions. I like to think of the God of the universe being a hero to those who love him and to whom he says, “You are my children.” As one of God’s children, I can claim the promises in His word to help me, to defend me to rescue me. I have to make sure that when I stand up for a cause, I’m not trying to run ahead of Him and do His job. This is difficult, at least for me. I pray for wisdom and then trust that God will make a way where there is no way.

The image of God being mad when he looked down from heaven and sees people being mistreated and doing something about it is powerful. I believe that this passage is talking about Jesus, and the fact He came to earth to save us from our sins and to give us eternal life. I’ve heard others say, this passage is talking about the end of the age. I see that, I think it could be both in a way. It reaffirms that God the Creator has clear ideas of what is right and wrong instead of being a God who says, “Anything goes.” For me, that helps set my life in place where I feel safe, and helps me believe that eventually things will work out. A favorite verse of mine is

Romans 8:28, “For all things work together for good to them who love God and are called according to His purposes.” King James

Just a couple more sections of this chapter, and the best is in the last, so hang on.

Vs 19 “So they shall fear the name of the Lord from the west, and His glory from the rising of the sun; When the enemy comes in like a flood, The Spirit of the Lord will lift up a stand against Him.” King James

Vs 19 – “The at last they will respect and glorify the name of the Lord throughout the world. For he will come like a flood tide driven by the breath of the Lord.” New Living Translation.

Millions of us watched footage of the horrible earthquakes and flood tides in Japan. Nothing, no walls, no dams, nothing could stop the surge of water that wiped out everything in its path. The King James version of this verse shows the enemy, Satan, coming in like a flood, and the Spirit of the Lord lifting up a stand against him. God stops the flood of evil by His Spirit of righteousness. This is a wonderful image and has encouraged me in times where certain situations seemed to have no end of people coming in who appeared to be evil in their intent. I knew that God wasn’t blind and eventually, with prayer of people who were His children, God would right the wrongs and stem the tide of unchecked evil.

The New Living Translation, has a little different slant, they see God, as sovereign blowing his breath and forcing the flood tide of righteousness across the land wiping away the evil. This is an encouraging image. We are not caught in a world where might is right, and having power gives you immunity from breaking values of integrity, honesty and mercy. There is a God, and a righteous God who loves mercy, loves integrity and loves compassion. If I have to choose sides, ( and each of us has to) I choose the side of good.

Vs 20- 21 “The Redeemer will come to Zion and to those who turn from transgression in Jacob, says the Lord. “as” for me” says the Lord, “this is my covenant with them. My Spirit who is upon you and My words which I have put in your mouth, shall not depart from your mouth nor from the mouth of your descendants, nor from the mouth of your descendants descendants,” says the Lord, “from the his time and forevermore.” King James

Vs 20-21 “The Redeemer will come to Jerusalem, “ says the Lord, “to buy back those in Israel, who have turned from their sins.” “ And this is my covenant with them,” says the Lord, “my Spirit will not leave them, and neither will these words I have given you. They will be on your lips and the lips of your children and your children’s children forever, I, the Lord have spoken.” New Living Translation

In the old days, a redeemer was someone who “bought someone back” from slavery, from bondage, from prison. I like the analogy of God being my Redeemer. It’s more than having a hero, it’s more than having a ‘big brother’ who’ll stick up for you, it’s having the God, the Creator of the universe who says, you follow me, become one of my children and “I’ve got your back.” “I will help you. I will uphold you by my righteous right hand.”

Well, believing God’s got my back is comforting to say the least. Learning to walk by faith and not by sight, well that’s challenging but I choose to believe.

“He’ll go with you through your valley,

Cause He’s gone with me through mine.

And there ain’t no hill or mountain

Impossible to climb.

So when you’re feeling kinda lowly

Like you can’t go on,

Just put your hand in His hand

And He’ll give to you this song.

To each of you in your own valley, take heart, God hears and answers prayers. Seek Him while He may be found and He will hear you, answer your prayers and hold you by your right hand, you don’t have to go it alone, God’s got this, and He’s got you.

Be blessed and continue to look for your joy in the morning. Robin

At the crossroads...............

2015-11-15T18:58:00.002-08:00

At the crossroads………. Part I – Isaiah 59

Many times in my life, I have come up hard against a realization that I needed to make a decision, I needed to do something, I needed to makes some changes. Often, dread has accompanied those moments because rather than implicitly trusting God, I’ve journeyed into the realm of fear. “What if? This is the wrong decision? “What if? This makes things worse?” What if? I live to regret choosing this course of action for years to come?” The “what if’s?” are a scary place to be and much like the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz, I inwardly shake with the realization, that knowing and then choosing the right path to take is a lot more challenging than it might appear.

And so, I pause often times and regroup. I get out my beloved Bible, take time out to prayerfully read, talk to trusted friends, listen to messages that I know contain hope, wisdom and encouragement and then most often wait, and avoid acting impulsively. (this to is difficult. There’s something sort of humanly satisfying to say to yourself, “Ok, enough already, this is what I’m going to do!”) Being at the crossroads carries its own weight of anxiety because nothing’s settled; it’s still in the land of the unknown. Being in the land of the unknown is uncomfortable because the “not knowingness” brings its own particular load of doubts, fears and insecurities.

And so, I turn to my guidebook for life, the Bible. Often, when I read my Bible, I don’t follow a schedule of on this day, read this chapter, and so on. Oh, I believe there’s a place and purpose for a plan of reading the Bible, but now at this point in my life, much of my reading takes place after prayer. “God,” I pray, “you see this situation I’m in. You see me with all my faults and failings. Please forgive my known sins, help me to change them and show me what else I need to change. Help me to understand your Word by your Holy Spirit and direct me to the passages that will provide me light for my path, help for my journey. Thank you God. Amen” And then I wait. Whatever passages of Scripture come to my mind, I turn there and read.

Today, Isaiah Chapter 59 came into my mind, so I reach to my nightstand, select a Bible that was my dear mothers and begin to read. At one point in my life, I kind of felt the good, ole King James Version was the end all and be all of Bible translations. I had grown up with that translation, my Bible verses in Sunday school memorized were in that translation. Over time, with added experience, I have come to understand that there are many fine translations of the Bible. I believe people should find one that helps them understand what is being said the best. I have several translations and I use them interchangeably.

Isaiah 59

Verse 1- “Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened that it cannot save; neither his ear heavy that it cannot hear.” King James

Verse 1- “Listen! The Lord’s arm is not too weak to save you, nor is His ear too deaf to hear you call.” New Living Translation, Recovery Bible

Ok, this verse is pretty easy for me to understand. If there’s a communication problem between me and God, the problem isn’t on His end. Often, talking with different groups of people I hear explanations of why people think God doesn’t really care about them and their problems. For instance, “I believe in God, but I’m not sure He really cares about me.” Or “I believe in God but I don’t think He listens to us, or talks to us, but He set everything in motion.” There are dozens, hundreds, probably millions of explanation people give about why they think God isn’t really interested in them personally, and that their problems don’t matter to Him.

That’s why I pray and read my Bible. Faith in God is a choice, and needs watering like a garden. If I’m doubting, (which at times I do) it brings me peace to read how the one man came to Jesus, knelt down and prayed this prayer, “I believe Lord, help my unbelief.” I love this story because it very clearly depicts the human nature of man to doubt, and yet it shows that Jesus, answered His prayer when the man was honest about where he was in the faith continuum and asked for God to help him believe.

There’s another verse I love, “Faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God.” This verse encourages me that having moments of doubt is part and parcel of the human condition. Understanding that reading the Bible is part of the cure for that doubt is like a lifeline thrown over the bow of ship to a person floating in a storm-tossed sea. You can choose to grab the “life-line” or you can choose to stay in the pain and misery of the sea of doubt.

Isaiah 59: 2 (King James)

Verse 2- “But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you that He will not hear.”

Verse 2- “It’s your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, He has turned away and will not listen anymore.” New Living Translation, Recovery Bible

When my spirit is clear, uncluttered by sins, or negative actions on my part, I feel happy. I have been happy after being deserted by my first husband, alone, pregnant, few resources, I was truly happy because my heart was right with God. I have been happy in the middle of a catastrophe, (ill health, family tragedy) if my heart was right with God. What often happens with Christians, and me in particular is I become complacent about my spiritual life. I’m not partying, I’m not drinking, using drugs, stealing, cheating, lying etc, so “I’m good.” Only, there’s a whole lot more God is interested in our character then the “don’t do this list” of our own making. God wants the attitudes of our heart to be right with Him. We cannot harbor, bitterness, anger, resentments, callousness to suffering of others, cowardice to do right, fearfulness, envy, covetnesses and the list goes on. Our mind is to be the mind of Christ.

“That’s impossible!” you say, and I’m right behind you, without divine help, it is impossible. That’s where daily inventory comes in. It’s where having people in your life whom you trust and respect and who are willing to speak into your life words of encouragement, challenge and caution come in. That’s where prayer to God and daily Bible reading comes in. Our human natures, (put mine on the top of that list) are prone to wander. We might quit one bad “sinful” habit, and an attitude of the heart and mind comes in and pollutes, as it were, our spirit. God is holy, and it is only as we rely on 1) His forgiveness and atonement of the cross (Salvation) 2) The cleansing of his Word and Spirit (Sanctification) 3) His promptings through circumstances, other people, his Word, and His Holy Spirit that something in our spirit and heart are not quite right (Conviction) and 4) Our attitude of heart, mind and spirit that asks for forgiveness and cleansing daily, (Restoration) that we begin to acquire His holy nature.

As a child, I waited to watch the weekly show put on by Disney. I loved the action adventure, but mostly I loved the feature length cartoons. Even without the luxury of color television I would sit enthralled as the characters acted out the story. The story of Pinocchio was a story I loved. The rebellious Pinocchio was someone I could relate to. The Jiminy Cricket character, whispering into Pinocchio’s ear to me became representative of that part of me that knew to do right, the conscience, and as a Christian, the Holy Spirit. Please don’t misunderstand, I am not meaning to be disrespectful in comparing the Holy Spirit to Jiminy Cricket, I am sharing with you what I understood through the eyes of a child. I knew there was a battle between right and wrong going on in me and I understood that often I would choose the wrong path, even though I knew, and had an inward knowing that it was wrong. As an adult, increasingly I have become aware of how strong this struggle is like Paul shared in the New Testament. I agree that the will is in me as a Christian, but the “won’t” of human nature is strong. It is a battle but thank God that victory is won, if we will only submit to God and ask Him to help us become what He wants us to be.

It’s amazing to me that after the thousands of serious mistakes I have made in my life, pride can still be an issue, but the fact of the matter is, it’s (pride) still there. It is such a strong force within my nature that if left unchecked, I would become a bitter, angry person 24/7 because of how the “me” has been treated by others. Weeding out resentment and bitterness from the garden of my soul required constant vigilance and daily tending. Much like the prayer, “I believe, help my unbelief.” I have to pray, “God, I’m hurt, angry and bitter. Give me your Spirit to forgive, give me your grace to soften my hard heart, and give me your understanding to know what to do.” It is an ongoing process, I will never “arrive” this side of heaven, I can only pray that my path will become brighter and brighter with the sunshine of God’s love as I approach the end of my life.

So, back to keeping your spirit free from anything that would come between you and God. I pray, “God show me my faults” Then I pray, “God help me to change my faults.” Then, and this is the difficult part, I change my faults. Painful? Difficult? Well nigh impossible? Yes, yes and yes. But, and this is critical, without this constant purging as it were of our old natures we will continue to live defeated, purposeless, passionless lives where we’re Christians but our light instead of being a light to the world, becomes a feeble flame that barely lights the path in front of our own feet.

Isaiah 59:3 “For your hands are defiled with blood, and your fingers with iniquity. Your lips have spoken lies, your tongue has muttered perverseness.” (King James)

Isaiah 59:3 “Your hands are the hands of murderers, and your fingers are filthy with sin. Your lips are full of lies, and your mouth spews corruption.” (New Living Translation, Recovery Bible)

Well, I’ve been there done that and thank God, His grace is sufficient for me. I’m one person that is very grateful that asking Jesus into my heart, to forgive my sin and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness has freed me from the burden and shame of my past. Living in the land of regret can be an awful place to be. There is no hope, you can’t change what happened. The path only leads to despair and hopelessness. But praise God, I’ve been set free!

Don’t mistake the above for my being deluded into thinking there is no need for change in my life now, thank goodness I don’t have that delusion. I’m aware that like so many others I’m thankful for the grace of God that allows to be in the state of change, being able to lift up my head because of His forgiveness while acknowledging I still have a long ways to go on my journey.

Isaiah 59:4

Vs. 4 – “ None calleth for justice, nor any pleadeth for truth; they trust in vanity and speak lies: they conceive mischief, and bring forth iniquity.” King James

Vs 4- “No one cares about being fair and honest. The people’s lawsuits are based on evil deeds, and then give birth to sin.” New Living Translation, Recovery Bible

For me, this is a difficult passage because it is so complicated in real life. In real life, there are so many things happening that are wrong. War, starvation, abuse, neglect, intimidation, dishonesty, manipulation the list could go on for pages. We live in a corrupt world where right and wrong in societies eye is constantly changing. Power, position and privilege can be mis-used and impact others in horrible ways, even to the point of death. What battles am I supposed to take up and which battles am I to leave alone?

In experience I have found that just being right doesn’t insure freedom from painful situations. People who are doing things that are evil and corrupt don’t stand meekly aside and say, “Oh, thank you. I didn’t realize I was doing that, let me stop that and sorry for anything pain this might have caused you.” Nope, that doesn’t happen. Instead, you encounter a show of force where lying, manipulation, intimidation reach a new, unprecedented level and you discover your adversary doesn’t have to follow Roberts rules or order, and any order for that matter. Evil unleashed is an awful thing to behold or be the target of. This is one of those places that I say, “But God.” Honestly I have learned to fear reprisals in life for standing up for principles, or persons. I am in many ways, still that cowardly lion, fearing to take a stand for the increased discomfort it can bring to me personally. Embarrassing to admit but impossible to ignore.

However, the closer I get to God through prayer, Bible reading and a willingness to admit my weaknesses, God empowers me and strengthens me. Do I like embarrassment and intimidation? No! Do I believe that God is greater than the power of evil? Yes! Each person needs to determine in their own mind and heart where that line in the sand is, and then through prayer to God determine that even though they know they will be walking through the fire, God will protect them, He will strengthen them, He will comfort them, and He will make a way where there is no way.

Note: just took a break from writing. It is a gorgeous, beautiful, golden sunny Fall day. The rain drops on the tree branches are silvery, points of diamonds, the fall leaves are washed and bright with their yellows and oranges. So much of me wants to pack up and head to the coast to drink in the cool, brisk air, see the billows of the ocean waves and walk the forests trails and say the last goodbye to the season as the leaves bathe the ground with wave, upon wave of color. But, I feel, someone somewhere needs to read what I am writing. This blog goes all around the world and there are people reading in in countries far removed from ours. I will make one concession to the brilliant day, I will make this a 2-part series. Isaiah 59: 1-8 Part I and Isaiah 59 9- 21 Part II.

` Isaiah 59:5

Vs.5- They hatch cockatrice eggs and weave the spider’s web; he that eatest of their eggs dieth, and that which is crushed breakest forth into a viper.” King James

Vs. 5- They hatch deadly snakes and weaves spiders webs. Whoever falls into their webs will die and there’s danger in even getting near them.” New Living Translation, Recovery Bible

Ok, when I was younger this was a very difficult passage for me to understand. It’s easier now for me to comprehend because I have seen time and time again how people think what they are doing will never be uncovered. Carefully they weave their differing plots and schemes, not realizing in a moment of time they can be all swept away (like a spiders web). I have observed how other people caught in their web of lies and deceit, occasionally squirm uncomfortably and try to get loose but almost every time some morsel, or bribe, lures them back until they are incapable of escape, they have comprised their own values so much their own fear keeps them captive.

I have heard it said, “All it takes for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing.” This impacted me when I first heard it and it impacts me know. Having been raised in traditional church setting, I was taught about that thou shalt nots. Don’t do this, don’t do that. The moral and ethical considerations of having to do something about the evil was not as clearly presented. Yes, we were supposed to have a missionary spirit to teach others about Jesus, but the social consciousness, the standing up for the weak, the powerless, the poor and the afflicted just wasn’t taught that much.

As a senior citizen, I have increasingly become aware that God calls us for a purpose. He empowers us for a plan, and if we are willing He uses us to stand up for the cause of those who need help. ( Chapter 61 in Isaiah). Sorting through the what and the who and the where and the how, again, that’s the challenge. Determining when to say something, to do something and not fear the onslaught of possible reprisals, that takes wisdom and God-given courage and strength. I just realized it’s starting to sound if I’m creating a coalition of people for positive change or something. That’s not what I’m trying to accomplish. I’m trying to walk through these verse with those of you reading and challenge you to search your own heart and life and see if there are places and situations where you need to take a stand. And then, prayerfully, carefully, do what you can to make a difference for good.

Isaiah 59: 6

Vs. 6- Their webs shall not become garments, neither shall they cover themselves with their works; their works are work of iniquity and the act of violence is in their hands.” King James

Vs 6-“Their webs can’t be made into clothing, and nothing they do is productive. All their activity is filled with sin, and violence is their trademark. Their feet run to do evil, and they rush to commit murder.” New Living Translation, Recovery Bible

One of my children has a sense of humor, on my new phone they made my ring tone the theme song to the TV show Matlock. If I forget to turn my phone off at work, the Matlock theme flows down the hall leaving no doubt as to which senior member of the staff forgot to put their phone on silence. I like the show Matlock, it’s an hour of “who done it” that gets resolved at the end. An easy way for me to unwind. Life, however, can be an awful lot like a mystery show. There are wheels of power and strategy, within wheels. Before I start sounding too much like a conspiracy theorist, let me explain. What I’ve seen is that once people compromise a given set of standards, they have to involve themselves in a web of lies to cover things up. They have to bribe, or intimidate others not to expose the circumstances. Things don’t get better they get worse and worse. Fear drives people to make more and more unwise, unethical choices until there literally is no way out of the mess. The spider web analogy here is Isaiah describes their “life” beautifully.

I think the “trademark” comment in the New Living Translation sums things up nicely. In Scripture, Jesus often talked about you will know them by their fruit. For each of us, who profess to be a Christian, it is imperative that we be first and foremost our own “fruit inspectors” as it were. Are our lives in sync with the Gospel? Are we living above reproach in every area of our lives? Are we being transparent with others or are we covering up who we really are? Getting right with God is simple, “If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I John 1:9.Getting right with man, not so simple. AA and NA members will tell you this is one of the most difficult of the steps to take, making amends.

For me, there are some situations in my past where I can’t make amends. I have to leave it to God. Other situations, like with my children I try to be transparent and say I’m sorry for things I’ve done to hurt their feelings in the past. I can’t change those things, but I hope by not denying them I contribute to their healing of memories.

Isaiah 59:7

Vs- 7- “Their feet run to evil, and they make haste to shed innocent blood; their thoughts are thoughts of iniquity; wasting and destruction are in their paths.” King James

Vs 7 – “Their feet run to do evil and they rush to commit murder. They think only about sinning, misery and destruction always follow them. “New Living Translation, Recovery Bible

What I’ve noticed in my own life is that in those times where I’ve wandered away from God, my conscience becomes “jaded.” For those of you for whom that term might not have meaning, let me explain. If you are walking away from God, you’ll inevitable begin thinking about things you know you shouldn’t. You’ll have a twinge of conscience, “That’s not right, what are you doing?” Just like Pinocchio in the Disney movie, if you willfully continue to do things you know are wrong, your conscience grows weaker. You rationalize things, “Oh that’s not so bad, it’s not like I was committing murder or something.” You explain things, “Well, if they hadn’t been such a jerk to me, I never would have told them that.” You justify things, “Who do they think they are, treating me like that? I’ll show them a thing or two.” “His wife doesn’t really love him like she should, why should it be wrong for me to be with him when we really care about each other?”

When you follow your own will, you continue to move farther and farther away from God and your life goes from bad to worse. Your mind instead of becoming your best ally, doesn’t support you being “good” or ethical, it supports you doing what you need (and/or want to do). Your spirit becomes hardened to the things of God and the needs of hurting people. You know how to mimic the right responses but that’s all it is mimicking. You are no longer acting in the best interests of others, or your employer, or your family, or your church, or your friends you become a slave to the YOU dictatorship. And YOU, well, now might be a good place to introduce the whole discussion of right and wrong, good and evil, God and Satan. Self, or YOU if given its reign to do whatever it wants won’t naturally choose the good of life. We are by nature, (human nature) self-seeking, pleasure-seeking beings. It is only as we seek God, and discover His propitiation, (provision) for our sinful nature through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ that we become partakers of the Divine nature. To grow in the grace of that nature, we need to continue to follow Him and seek His will, and goodness for our lives. When we rebel, or walk away, we don’t retain the image of His son, or Divine nature. Our human nature becomes dominate and the things we do, the self-seeking, the pleasure-seeking, allows the compromises to come back with full force and we are back to square one. This verse aptly describes the outcome, “misery and destruction always follow them.”

There’s a verse that says, “The pleasures of sin for a season.” There is another verse, “Be sure your sins will find you out.” I have found both these verses to be true in my own life and in the lives of people I know. However, the pleasures are short lived and the consequences of my actions when in relapse mode of Christianity are long-lasting and painful to myself and those around me. End of matter, it’s simply not worth it. Does everyone in the middle of their “run” as it were acknowledge “it’s not worth it?” No, not hardly. They are most often caught up in the excitement and thrill of the adventure, unaware of what the end result will be. Will they listen to sound counsel from people who see their path of destruction? Most often not, occasionally yes.

Isaiah Chapter 59:8

Vs 8 King James- “The way of peace they know not; and there is no judgement in their goings; they have made them crooked paths; whosoever goeth therein shall not know peace.”

Vs 8 “ They don’t know where to find peace or what it means to be just and good. They have mapped out crooked roads, and no one who follows them knows a moment’s peace.” New Living Translation-

In my own life, I have discovered that peace is something I value highly. Peace of mind, peace of heart, peace of spirit. I cannot control circumstances, but with God’s help I can learn to control me. Learning to allow God to help me continue to make decisions that are ethical, purposeful, helpful, noble and of eternal value gives me peace. Peace in the midst of the storm. “Fear not, neither be afraid. In this world you will have trouble, (tribulation) but be of good cheer (hope) I have overcome the world.” Jesus

Dear God,

This morning, this moment, help me to be someone who mirrors your love. Someone who daily takes before you my personal short-comings and asks for forgiveness and cleansing. Help me to become someone who does not fear, but speaks the truth in love. Help me to be someone who tries to follow your will in my life and helps others to find their way to home with you. Help me to not only find peace, but to be a peace-maker. Help me to stand up for what is right and to be a voice for those who are unable to speak for themselves.

Thank you God for all you have done for me, thank you for your mercy, your grace, your strength and your leading.

In Jesus Name,

Amen,

Your daughter,

Robin

To each of you reading this today may the God of all comfort give you joy and peace in believing. May you continue to discover your God-given destiny. May He grant you the courage and strength to do those things you need to do. May you each have continued joy in the morning.

Lead me to the Rock who is Higher than I.................

2015-08-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

Saturday August 15, 2015

8:18 am

I am awake, but the birds outside my window this morning are predominately crows, caw, caw, cawing raucously to establish their territory. Over the din, I hear the anxious calls of a few other birds warning their families of the aggressors. In nature, as in our human societies, the battles for dominance are never ending.

I am pensive today, the awareness of needing to get away strong in my conscious thoughts. My emotional bank is near empty and my spiritual self has been taxed to the max. There is so much to accomplish everywhere I look or turn, but I know, it’s time to retreat; to drink in the stillness of nature, to allow God to restore my soul. If I don’t take this sabbatical from work, from family, from responsibilities, the strain, the stress, the disappointments, the pressures, will wear too heavily on my being and I will break; slowly at first but then with a cascading down of the structures I’ve built up over time to support the person I am, at home, at work, at life.

And so, leaving chores undone, errands unaccomplished, I will retreat into nature, drinking in the beauty, the grandeur, the majesty of creation. I will revel in the stillness, the lack of traffic, of sirens, of people with problems, agendas, and ever-present needs filling my awareness. My plans are for it to be; me, God, the dogs and a pair of comfortable shoes.

I have two days and I can go anywhere I wish in a 500 mile radius. Shortly, I will begin packing up my truck, look for my smaller tent, a camp stove, a cooler, throw in the coffee pot, my Bible a sleeping bag or two and head out. The wet, rain-laden clouds gray the sun and I mentally add tarp to the list.

In Native American culture taking a Vision Quest was an important part of a warrior’s life. Looking for a revealing of a spiritual purpose, a greater definition of connection to the Creator was essential. I cannot begin to understand the full significance of what these Vision Quest’s were, and are meant to be, but in my own small way I can take time to allow God to restore my soul, and find respite from the hectic pace of my life.

The part of me that is ever so weary, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually shrinks from the packing up of the truck, the ‘getting it together’ part of getting away. It takes an effort to make time for “self-care” and sometimes, when you’re near worn out, even that’s difficult to do.

But, I know I must get away. The realization that I have the luxury millions don’t to “get away” weighs heavy on my heart. I am fortunate, ever so fortunate to be healthy, have resources and freedoms. I can never take those privileges for granted. But, I can’t guilt myself for being fortunate, I must acknowledge that where I am now in my life I can’t be of any help to anyone if I am not there in the moment to care, to listen, to help, to encourage, to comfort and sometimes to guide.

So, I have a goal, an escape plan if you will.

“When I am overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For You have been a shelter to me, A strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in Your tabernacle forever. I will trust in the shelter of Your wings.” Psalm 61: 2-4

I never know who you are reading this. People in many countries read this blog and I realize that my life sounds so “rich” so lucky, so blessed, so free. If you are reading this now, and are experiencing the longing to “get away” yet can’t, I’m sorry. May God grant you His peace, His comfort, His strength in the middle of your storm. May He cause the sun to warm your face, the wind touch you with its gentle caress letting you know He is there, and He loves you. May the Word of God speak to your heart and life with truth, comfort and significance. May you experience the awareness of His presence to a greater degree knowing that pain and suffering you are going through now are only for a moment and someday, in eternity, every tear will be dried, every disappointment disappear in the glory of the presence of the living God. Remember to “look up!” “Your redemption draweth nigh!”

Until next time, may the God of all comfort be your source of strength for this day and all the days of your life.

Robin

2015-08-15T10:19:00.001-07:00

Saturday August 15, 2015

8:18 am

I am awake, but the birds outside my window this morning are predominately crows, caw, caw, cawing raucously to establish their territory. Over the din, I hear the anxious calls of a few other birds warning of the aggressors. In nature, as in our human societies, the battles for dominance are never ending.

So, I have a goal, an escape plan if you will.

Until next time, may the God of all comfort be your source of strength for this day and all the days of your life.

Robin

He is faithful....

2015-08-02T17:25:00.000-07:00

Sunday August 2, 2015.

It is mid-morning here, long days of record heat creating mugginess in the air that occasional river breezes lighten as I sit in my dining room. I am next to windows looking out at dry heat-baked hills in the distance and to the left of me, dark, fern-covered forests, holding on to moisture with their deep-rootedness. A bird or two calls through the woods and my old cat sits on the open window frame taking its Sunday bath.

I know this wealth of space I’m enjoying is temporary, but right now, I am luxuriating in the delight of room upon room of quiet to bathe my own soul in a peaceful respite from my hectic weekday work world.

Early morning, I sought God, in prayers, in quiet, in reading. Several things I read in devotionals this morning spoke of the ministry of life trials to strengthen the soul and build faith. Of particular note is the teaching that God didn’t send Jesus to strengthen us by taking us out of trying situations but to strengthen us in them. Hmm….. I must admit, coming to this realization has been difficult for me. My own prayer life has often consisted of petitions to, “Make it stop God, please.” It encourages my heart that in the Psalms, mostly penned by David, it is echoed many, many times as David pleads for God to divinely intervene and stop the bad guys.

At this age, at this juncture of my life I am gradually coming to a deeper awareness that God allows some suffering to refine our character. I’ve also discovered it’s less painful if I release, (sometimes again and again) the situations to God. To trust and believe that Gods’, “got this.” It, the releasing and trusting, isn’t an automatic, one time process. For me, it involves praying and reading my Bible again, and again about individuals, situations, problems and taking them (the problems) to the ‘throne of Grace’. As I read stories from Christians of all ages I see for many, if not most, this is a pattern of finding peace in the midst of storm, comfort in the time of crisis, strength in the time of weakness, help in the time of need.

Sometimes, God gives glimpses of His divine, behind the scenes workings. And sometimes He doesn’t. Sometimes the waiting and watching we do requires thinking about how He has worked in our lives in the past. His faithfulness, His provisions. A remembering of the goodness of His mercy and grace. And sometimes, it involves, hanging on for all we’re worth, claiming promises, seeking light when all appears dark, and trusting when all seems bleak.

People can help, for sure. Godly people, believing people, praying people. For most of my life, I was blessed to have a praying, believing mother. If tough situations came, (and they did) I could call her and ask her to pray and know she would. As she aged, she shared that more and more of her time was increasingly devoted to being a ‘prayer warrior’. She prayed for family, friends, our country, our Presidents, situations near and far. She didn’t pretend to understand ‘how’ prayer works, but she believed in the power of prayers.

My mother read many, many books written by other warriors of faith throughout the centuries. She loved her Bible, and select Christian television programming. She loved watching sports and had her favorite teams. She wasn’t a one-dimensional person, living a monastic existence. She was a mother, grandmother, great-grandmother who loved God and felt strongly that her ministry was praying.

Sigh, I miss her immensely as I know do her other family members. But I treasure that heritage. Now, aging myself, I have some friends who I know I can call, text, emaile or Face Book to pray for me, and I believe they will. I don’t have many friends, but I have a few who I know love God, care about me and are willing to pray for me. I value their friendship, their kindness and their faith. Hopefully, they feel that they can ask me to pray, and trust that I will say yes and then pray.

Friends, mothers, grandmothers aside, much of the battles of Christian living are done in solitary fashion. A well known verse in Proverbs 14:10- shares this principle, “The heart knows its own bitterness and a stranger cannot share its joys.”

So at this moment, there are situations in progress that I cannot battle. The eventual resolutions of these conflicts are in God’s hands. Yes, I still battle worry but I seek respite in the Word of God. I build my faith by listening to inspired messages of God’s faithfulness.

And, I wait. I’ve mentioned in other blog posts that when I was younger I attempted to embroider the science of Elijah holding out his hand as the Raven brought him food as he sat by a brook, fleeing an evil ruler. I loved that story as a child and I love it now. I love the passage of Scripture in Isaiah where it reads, “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up on wings as eagles. They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31 I have picture with this verse, with an Eagle flying high in the sky. I’m going to go move it to my writing corner so I can see it. Ok, done.

In front of the table where I’m typing on the wall next to the window overlooking the Eastern hills is a small plaque with this verse, “From the rising of the sun to the going down of the same, the Lord’s name is to be praised.” Psalm 113:3.

From this window, I can watch the morning sun lighten the skies. This verse is a wonderful reminder of this promise and injunction to praise God for his goodness.

Daily, I try to thank God for the blessings I do have. This gratefulness helps keep at bay worry, bad moods, depression. I have so much to be thankful for I try to remember this throughout the days when opposition comes, and it does. Most of my breaks at work I take in the garden created by the Cowlitz Tribe where I work. It is a beautiful garden, with trees, shrubs, bushes a curving pathway. They’ve placed huge boulders in a circle, with a small fire pit at the center of the garden. I go out there, and I pray, for wisdom, for patience, for protection, for healing, for patients, for staff. Sometimes, I can feel or sense the very atmosphere of wickedness that surrounds me. This might sound odd to some of you reading this but it is true. For those of you who believe, or might be willing to consider the existence of good and evil, supernatural powers of good and evil, do you think that perhaps in an environment where people are struggling to break the bonds of drug and alcohol addiction they might have some battles going on in them and around them for their very souls?

I believe there are battles going on and though I can’t see these powers in conflict, I can feel the battles, and sense the turmoil. Sometimes, I am a target of some kind of awful things. I’ve gone through some really trying, difficult circumstances that some people would find incredible and somewhat unbelievable. Like Peter, there have been times “I’ve walked on the water” so to speak. And, there have been other times where the conflicts were so great, the battles so fierce, that I sunk beneath the waves of fear and only had to cry, “Jesus, help me, it’s too much.”

At this present moment, I am feeling ‘ok’. I know changes are coming, some of them with impact for me personally, but at this moment, I honestly feel ‘ok’. God is good and has been faithful to me. He has restored me after catastrophic things threatened to leave me, beat down and forsaken. He has provided for me in the midst of difficult economic times. He has blessed me abundantly. I have been so fortunate.

So what will tomorrow bring? Well, I’m not sure, but I know who holds tomorrow and I know whatever, or whoever comes against me, God will still be there, holding my right hand and remaining faithful to sustain His promises.

“These things I have spoken unto you that in me you may have peace.In the world you will have tribulation, (trouble) but be of good cheer for I have overcome the world!” John 16:33

Facing a crisis in your own life right now, or in the future? God can give you a hope steadfast and sure. Seek His face, ask for His help and find other believers to help you through your own valley of weeping, “joy will come in the morning.”

Waitng for hope.................................

2015-07-26T11:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Columbia River

This morning, waking up I realized that the mornings are my favorite part of the day. I look forward to reading my devotional books, my Bible, praying and spending time seeking God’s presence. These times are precious to me. Recently, several situations in my life have weighed upon my heart heavily. I have experienced sadness, and a longing for a respite from the continued struggle. I’ve felt less inclined to be hopeful that things would be resolved in a good, happy way.

A friend, asked by text how I was doing yesterday as the dogs and I paddled in the waters of the Columbia river, secluded on a private stretch of beach, away from distractions of life, people and problems. I texted back, “Today, I am struggling with sadness.”

For me, believing in God, trusting in God, I have to come to grips with the fact that there are times when situations appear bleaker, that the waiting seems longer, the realization of hopes seems dimmer.

Reading a devotional for today in my Streams in the Dessert, by Cowman, These words spoke to my heart:

Water was perfect

For we through the Spirit by faith wait for the hope of righteousness.” Galatians 5:5.

“There are times when things look very dark to me- so dark that I have to wait even for hope. It is bad enough to wait in hope, to see no glimmer of a prospect and yet refuse to despair; to have nothing but night before the window and yet o keep the window open for possible stars; to have a vacant place in my heart and yet to allow that place to be filled by no inferior presence- that is the grandest patience in the universe. It is Job in the tempest, it is Abraham on the road to Moriah, it is Moses in the desert of Midian, it is the Son of Man in the Garden of Gethsemane.

There is no patience so hard as that which endures, ‘as seeing him who is invisible’ it the waiting for hope”

George Matheson

Dogs and I enjoyed our swim

Right now, in my life, I am waiting for hope. Some situations have gone on so long, and there is seemingly no end to the painfulness. A dear friend of many years comforted me some time ago with these words, “Our beloved son, went into a deep, dark and horrible lifestyle for 40 years. My husband and I wept and prayed for those years. A time came when I just put my son on the altar so to speak and placed him in God’s hands. Finally, after 40 years in the darkness, my son stepped out of that awful lifestyle, turned his heart to God and was restored to peace and wholeness.”

At 65, I do not have another 40 years to wait for answers to prayers. It is possible that some answers will not come in my lifetime. Seeking God’s peace in the middle of this acknowledgement of not being allowed to see the restoration of lives, of situations, of brokenness being made whole is challenging for me. It is a learning to let go and learn to trust that God is good and He’s “got this”.

So today, stretching up before me with just 12 hours remaining of my waking hours I send up prayers to my heavenly Father, for my family members, for my friends and their family members, for my work situations, for my patients, for my home. I even pray for my pets, which to people who are not pet lovers is going to seem odd, but I love my old cat, two faithful, (albeit annoying with their barking) dogs.

The sun just peaked through the gray skies and it is another phenomenal gorgeous summer day.

Our secret beach peaceful

I believe God is faithful, He is merciful, He will strengthen me to go through these situations and when He decides, he will raise His hand, speak the Word, “It is enough!” Until then, I am thankful for His word that provides a continuing source of comfort, encouragement and strength. I am thankful for His presence which gives me comfort through the valleys of life

Today,

“May the God of all comfort give you joy and peace in believing.”

“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning!”

Always,

Robin

Waiting for God.............

2015-07-24T12:09:00.003-07:00

I have never been one to like the word, “No.” My Kindergarten photo shows me, Dutch Boy haircut, standing sturdily in my row for the class picture. I thought I knew everything and I was invincible. For my parents, it was a journey that required much patience and a willingness to endure a long line of struggles with me wanting my own way. I had an opinion and didn’t hesitate to share it, ignoring my parent’s plaintive reminders about, “children being seen and not heard.” My stubbornness, strong will, and above average intellect combined throughout the years to get me into hot water, again and again. I conformed, I rebelled, I led, I followed, I was a product of the “me generation.”

Some of my youth, I sought God and found a respite from the willful waywardness. It would be awesome if could share that this commitment, this purity of purpose and passion to be God’s person remained and I avoided further rebellion, but, this would be other than the truth. There was a part of me that longed for the “world” and all it offered. In Christian circles, they call it “backsliding.” Let’s just say, I “backslid” enough that it impacted my marriages, (yes plural), my children, my careers and my peace of mind. There was a cost, a consequence that far outweighed the ‘pleasures of sin for a season’.

Well, over time, I have learned somethings, and have grown and matured in my faith walk. I say this without pride, but with a gratefulness that God is a merciful and kind God who has forgiven me and allowed me so many blessings. In some ways, I wish I could say, “And now, I’m there!” I have arrived. I’m holy, I’m restored and I’m done growing and learning.” Ouch, that’s not the case. This side of heaven, God continues to work on His children and refine their character. That strong willed child I was, became a strong-willed woman who at this juncture God is teaching submission.

Now, if I had my druthers, I would choose to find some noble, kind, wise, tender-hearted person to whom I could submit. Yes, that would be awesome. It would be easy to say, “Yes mam, yes sir to someone like that.” However, we don’t always get to choose our circumstances, relatives, supervisors, co-workers, or neighbors. We might think we do, but in reality things change all the time, things out of our control. So now for me, I’m back in the ‘learning process’. I’m having to pray more, read my Bible more just to find the strength to not run from the conflict. I am praying, “God, if I’m done learning these particular lessons (painful), can I (note the I) change these circumstances?”

Well, as I’ve aged and sought God one particular principle has become more relevant to me, that principle is, “Wait on God. Allow Him to open and close doors. Allow Him to communicate with you when it’s time to go.” A recent sermon I listened to by Joyce Meyers echoed this principle. God engineers our circumstances for a reason and purpose. The Bible says, “Jesus learned obedience through the things He suffered.” If Jesus learned through painful circumstances, who am I to say to God, “Ouch, this hurts and leave before His timing.”

My pattern has been in my 65 years of life, when there have been times when circumstances caused me pain I would change the circumstances. . If the pressure increased, so did my stress levels. On more than one occasion I fled the circumstances hoping that new pastures would turn out to be easier, greener fields of opportunity. In hindsight, sometimes those moves of mine where like the old adage, “Out of the frying pan into the fire.” I’m sure there is more than one or you reading this that can relate. Unpleasant relationships, (friendships, marriages), annoying relatives, exasperating employment situations, painful reminders of the past, these are all things that might cause us to change our circumstances. These changes powered by the wish to decrease stress and suffering don’t aways work or coincide with God’s greater plan for our lives.

If you’re reading this and don’t believe God has a plan and purpose for your life this may sound strange, weird and nonsensical. “God?” you might ask, “Who’s that?” I can’t tell you what to believe, who to believe, or how to believe. I can encourage you to pray this prayer, “God, I don’t know if you are there, but if you are, please help me.” Sort of like the person in the Bible who came to Jesus and prayed, “Lord, I believe, Help my unbelief.” Faith, (believing in something you can’t see) well it’s something you can’t touch, feel or smell.

I took a class in Graduate School at the University of Washington that was all about Faith vs Reason. We read writings from scholars who debated this topic. In retrospect, it’s kind of odd this course was offered in the Graduate Program, but back in 1976 it was. I read, I studied, I read some more. There were excellent discourses about why you should/shouldn’t believe in the existence of God. There were many involved discussions about how man through reason cannot discover God, that it is a matter spiritually discerned, not intellectually perceived.

Well, this one thing I know, in my life there have been multiple times I was horribly lost, afraid, alone and I prayed , “God please help me. I’ve lost my way again. Please forgive, renew me, restore me and show me the way back to you” and God, through faith in Jesus Christ did that for me.

So what about now? What about the trying circumstances I’m in now? Well, I’m waiting and praying. I’m attempting to just keep doing what I’m supposed to do, in spite of adverse conditions. I’m waiting for God to show me, reveal to me through His Word, His Spirit and confirmation of godly people, that I can make a move. Sometimes, God closes doors, and opens other doors. One old saying is this, “When God closes one door, He’ll open a window.”

The other thing I’m doing is trying to keep from being bitter, to allow God to handle the situations and people. That’s harder then you might think. So much of me wants to be a strong advocate in my behalf. To “stand up for myself”. To fight. Leaving it in God’s hand, well for me that’s difficult. So I read my Bible and claim promises. I pray, I ask others to pray.

I’ve gleaned a few verses this morning from the Bible that I’ve found comfort and encouragement from. I’ve written them down here for those of you who also might be going through a season of testing and discouragement.

Take heart, God is faithful, it won’t always be night, He has promised us, “Weeping endures for a night, but joy will come in the morning.”

Until next time, be blessed and keep looking up!

Robin

Psalm 107: 5 – “Then they cried unto the Lord, in their trouble, and He delivered them out of their distresses. And He led them forth by the right way, that they might go to a city for a dwelling place.”

Psalm 107: 13, 14 “Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble. And He saved them out of their distresses. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and broke their chains in pieces.”

Psalm 107:28-30

“Then they cry out to the Lord in their trouble, and He brings them out of their distresses. He calms the storm, so that its waves are still, they are glad because they are quiet; so He guides them to their desired haven.”

Psalms 1:1 “Blessed is the man or woman who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly. Nor stands in the seat of the scornful; but his or her delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he or she mediates day and night.

Psalm 2:12 “Blessed are all those who put their trust in Him.”

Psalm 3:5 “I lay down and slept; I awoke for the Lord sustained me.”

Psalm 5:8 “Lead me, Lord, in Your righteousness because of my enemies; Make your way straight before my face.”

Psalm 9:9-10 “The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed. A refuge in times of trouble. And those who know Your name will put their trust in You; For You, Lord, Have not forsaken those who seek You.”

Psalm 16:7-8 “I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel: My heart also instructs me in the night seasons. I have set the Lord always before me; Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.”

Psalm 16: 11 “You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”

Psalm 17 “Uphold my steps in Your paths, That my footsteps may not slip.”

Psalm 18:17-19 “He delivered me from my strong enemy. From those who hated me, For they were too strong for me, They confronted me in the day of my calamity, But the Lord was my support, He also brought me out into a broad place: He delivered me because He delighted in me.”

Psalm 18:32 “It is God who arms me with strength, and makes my way perfect.”

Psalm 18:36 “You enlarged my path under me, so my feet did not slip.”

Psalm 20:4 “May God grant you according to your heart’s desire, and fulfill all your purpose.”

Psalm 22:24 “For God has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted: nor has God hidden His face from him, but when he or she cried to Him, He heard.”

Psalm 23:1-3 “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters; He restores my soul: He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His names sake.”

Psalm 25:4-5 “Show me Your ways, O Lord; teach me Your paths. Lead me in Your truth and teach me. For you are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day.”

Psalm 25:10 “All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth, to such as keep His covenant and His testimonies.”

Psalm 27: 5 “For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion; in the secret place of His tabernacle, He shall hide me; He shall set me high upon a rock.”

Psalm 27: 11-14 “Teach me Your way, Or Lord, and lead me in a smooth path, because of my enemies. Do not deliver me to the will of my adversaries; For false witnesses have risen against me, and such as breathe out violence, I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He will shall strengthen your heart; wait, I way on the Lord!”

Psalm 30:4-5 “Sing praise to the Lord, you saints of His, and give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”

Teach me to number my days............

2015-07-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

Teach me to number my days so that I will apply my heart unto wisdom. Psalm 90:12

This morning, the woods are alive with birds singing their songs. The skies, a leaden gray have dampened the ground with the dews of heaven, a light summer rain, a respite from the weeks of hot, dry weather. I am joying in my day off attempting to hold at bay the thousands things beckoning at me to do, or to get done. As I age, I don’t notice the diminishing of my spirit to create, to work, or to begin projects, but I do notice a lessening of my strength to accomplish the tasks.

  The verse, “Teach us to number our days so we may apply our hearts unto wisdom” echoes in my mind. As I drive to work, I often thank God for being able to still see the trees. I also pray and speak out the fact I don’t know if I have a moment, an hour, a week, a month or years left of my life. It (the number of my days) is in His hands.

Recently two of the men I work with, both younger than I, have gone through heart surgery. One had a stroke, and the other a heart attack. I got to visit one friend yesterday in his hospital room, weakened, still in early recovery from his surgery, myself and another of his co-workers tried to comfort and encourage him. We prayed for him and asked God to strengthen him and his beloved wife. Two days earlier I had sat at a table next to this individual for several hours during a staff meeting. In that short time his world had radically changed.

Presently, there is so much busyness in my world I am puzzling on how to attain a ‘heart of wisdom’ to know what are my priorities. At work, my caseload has more than doubled and the ability to give good case management concerns me. Each and every person I work with is important. My interface with each of them differs according to their needs, but in some cases, somehow finding more time to make phone calls, to connect with resources becomes an urgent necessity.

I know God loves each of these people and I believe that I am in their life for a purpose and a reason. Certainly I understand the constraints of the treatment perimeters. Do this, share that, get this other thing done. But when all is said and done sharing the life, journey and struggles of another human being transcends all of the “to do’s”.

Last week on one of my trips to the Oregon Coast, my dogs and I went to the mouth of the Columbia River. We hiked down to the beach during the time of a very high tide. It was the highest tide I’ve seen in years and the normally sandy stretch of beach ended in a tangle of fallen trees and branches. The dogs and sat there for a while, alone and joyed, (at least I did) in the mammoth waves crashing along the shore. They were huge waves, bigger than I’ve even seen in the decades I’ve come to that stretch of river. The dogs, on leashes, weren’t sure if these crashing waves, tossing them and me were all that safe and attempted to huddle next to me for comfort and safety. We stayed there a while until I took pity on their distress and we hiked back along the beach to where the shore bends and an inlet takes off to the right where a bay provides a sheltered cove.

Along the River, thousands of clear jelly fish, float, or lay on the shore. This jelly fish invasion is seasonal but I have some fear of being stung and am delighted as I note that further into the bay cove we go the fewer jelly fish appear. Finally, on this hot white sandy shore I find our spot. A giant weathered log provides a beautiful place for us to sit and soak up the heat for a few moments. The water, lapping here in a peaceful way looks clean and inviting. I take the dog leashes and in we go. The dogs, surprisingly swim well and appear to enjoy the sensation of floating in the warm salt water.

We go in and out of the water several times, them paddling along besides me, happily content to joy in the moment. Finally, we trudge out and hunker down in the hot sand, two messy, sandy dogs trying to get as close to me as they can. As I gaze out over the bay, the dunes to the right of me, the hills in the distance two people come round the corner walking the shoreline. Me, sitting here wet, with the two wet sandy dogs must have been quite a sight. The man and woman, squatted down and started talking to me and petting and talking to the dogs. Ok, they were such a sweet couple. Petting these wet, sandy dogs and talking to them and me in such kind, comforting tones. For me, it was kind of weird. They just kept talking to the three of us, myself and the two dogs in such sweet, comforting tones. It was like, instant warm, loving kindness. Of a somewhat fanciful mind, I fleetingly wondered, “Are these angels?”

Finally they said goodbye and left. Their gentleness, warmth and kindness impacted me a great deal. It impressed me that this random contact, could impact me so much and it made me realize that beyond the intellect, beyond the rational reasoning, beyond the educational component, more than anything else people want to be loved. Later that week, as I met with an individual who was so sick, and so high on dope, desperately needing a bath, a life, a healing, I remembered how sweet was that gentleness shown to me and the dogs by that unknown couple. Having prayed earlier in the day for God to give me His love, His kindness, His goodness to others, I attempted to show this same kindness to the person sick, desperate and high. Soft words, kind words, comforting words, encouraging words. Words that would help engender hope for a better future, a better life.

Later in the week, having to meet with a parent of a relapsed youth, I tried to share that same kindness, gentleness and love. These situations are so agonizing for the people already. The life and death nature of the drug use is so stark and real, being a person who cares is probably the best thing I can do. Trying to provide options for the next step, yes this is crucial but having a living human being acknowledge the pain of the situation and be gentle and kind to them in that situation I believe brings comfort.

Those who know me realize gentleness doesn’t come easily to me. A victim of domestic violence, my being has been traumatized over the years and healing of those memories and emotions has come slowly. The intellectual piece can fall into place, but the broken places in the heart and soul heal more slowly.

Continuing to read my Bible daily, praying, going into nature as much as I can, these things nurture my spirit. Sometimes, difficult choices have to be made. I sever ties with people who continually bring unpleasantness into my world. I distance myself. I continue to pray for them but I don’t want them to steal my joy. It comes back to establishing priorities. To be able to have my love bank so to speak, full enough to give to my clients who are in their own process of healing, I have to protect myself from people who pour negativity into my life outside of work. In my field, they call it ‘self care’. In my world I call it surviving.

Often times in “helping professions” people get callous because there is so much continual trauma. Person after person with crisis after crisis takes a toll on the persons doing the helping. To avoid becoming the person who sees the next client as a “next!” a helper must continually nurture their own soul, spirit, mind and body. To know their own limits and to step back, set boundaries to maintain their own sanity, sanctity and spiritual health.

In the Psalms where I often read to find comfort and encouragement a continual theme is God as a rock on which I can stand. God as a shield from the storms of life. I love these analogies and since I so often sit on the rocks of the jetties at the coast it is a symbolism to which I can relate. God is the source of my strength, my comfort, my hope, my peace, my provision, my joy and my love.

My own day has begun and I must do a few things. I’m not sure exactly what I will do, but I know I must get busy and make a list and tackle a few things. I enjoy talking with you and hope that some of what I share resonates with your own journey. We are all each of us warriors of our own battles and as we share our burdens we can bear them together.


May each of you find your own comfort, strength and joy in believing in the God of all hope. Take care and be blessed.Robin

2015-07-04T21:39:00.001-07:00

July 4, 2015

It has been hot, hot weather for days. The sun, burns the haze from the sky early morning and the golden rays beat down relentlessly. Yesterday, I sought refuge at the Coast, yearning for the cool ocean breezes, the chill of the salt sea water and respite from the heat.

I had not counted on the traffic which stretches in record-breaking, mile after mile of bumper to bumper lines to the ocean. I joyed in my ability to see the trees which line the Hwy in lush, green growth greenery. I could hear the birds as I eased along a few feet at a time. The birds were joying in the brilliant sunshine, dodging the heat by singing from their shade covered perches high in the wooded forests.

Eventually the slow line, crept over the miles and I neared the coast. I still feel a special happy thrill as I near the water. It has never dulled all these years and I am so thankful that I am able to see, walk, drive and hike. I am very blessed. My dogs, Reutger and Kelsey saw the leashes in my hand earlier in the day and they smiled their doggy smiles at me, tails wagging furiously. They knew they got to go with me and they were so happy.

The heat which has been considerable made me consider their fur-clad bodies and the first place we visited was the historic site at Fort Stevens. There, there is a trail that goes along the Columbia River with lots of shade, and usually strong ocean breezes. A teenager on a bike passed us as we started the trail. He stopped at the remains of what was for years a replica of a Clatsop Native American Longhouse. My children, and grandchildren would go inside with me, imagining what it was like when people lived, cooked and existed in buildings like these. There was a totem pole carved at one end, wooded bunks, a firepit in the sandy floor. My children loved this place and were saddened when a while ago we learned it had been torn down and removed.

The young boy on the bike looked up at me and the dogs and called out, “I wish they wouldn’t have taken away the Longhouse. I liked it.”

“So did my children and I,” I answered. “We miss it too.”

The boy hesitated a few seconds more and then rode back out of the trail, “Nice meeting you!, “ he called back to me.

“Yes,” I answered, “nice meeting you too.”

We hiked past the remains of the Longhouse, a commemorative plaque about the Clatsop Tribe and took at turn to the right. Here the path is right next to the rock jetty and dozens of times I’ve clambered down it’s dangerous side to hike the hidden, pure clean white sand beach below. I look down and realize it’s high tide, and there is no remnant of the beach for the dogs and I to enjoy. I realize when I climb on these huge boulders, that one slip could be an unforgiving lump on the head. So often I am alone on these trails, I just kind of trust that no matter what God will take care of me and clamber on down the rocks, but not today, instead of beach there are great swelling waves of Columbia River splashing against the sides making a comforting lap, lap, lap sound.

We turn and continue on the trail headed back towards the ocean. The path is fragrant with trees, summer bushes and thick rustling grasses. My dogs, continue their doggy smiling and pad along ahead of me like two trusted sled dogs. I wonder if there were snow, and I had a dog sled if these two, spirited souls could pull my weight along the trail.

At every turn there are beautiful vistas for me to enjoy; Breathtaking views of the Columbia River, the Washington hills and the trees and lush foliage all along the trail. I try to drink in as much of this beauty as possible and store it away against the onslaught of problems I know I will hear about when my work week begins again. I take pictures with my new camera hoping to catch elements of what I love. The picturesque sight of the old railroad tressells marching across the grasses and bay towards the ocean jetty. At the Fort Museum, you can watch a video about the history of the Fort and see pictures of the old trains hauling the monstrous rocks to form the jetty to guard the mouth of the Columbia River.

The pilings, weathered and worn are so elegant in their ordered lines reminiscent of a life of service lived out eons ago.We complete the trail, walk through the historic site and I give the dogs water before we find our next hiking adventure. Often I would drive a few miles to the Ocean jetty and hike down that trail to the ocean beach.

Today, with the temperatures over 90 it would be grueling for the dogs. Instead, we load up in the truck and I head inland to Fort Clatsop National Park. Here are trails that I hike winter, spring, summer and fall. Today, the large forest will provide refuge from the heat with their strong boughs shading the forest floor in a dappled covering. I love this Fort, it has a small museum, a log replica of the Lewis and Clark camp and trails along a River. We take the River trail and again I nurture my soul with the sights, sounds and smells of nature. “Thank you God I breath into the air, thank you!” I am so fortunate to be able to see and hike. I feel as if I’ve been given a reprieve after my health scare of earlier this year.

We end up being the only ones on the trail after a trickling of families head home. It’s ok, I’m used to that. I see kayaks in the water and have a case of the “wisfuls”. I’ve been looking at Kayaks a Costco and Big Five and have been thinking of buying one for myself. I just don’t know if I will enjoy it or not.

I hear the leader of the Kayaks call out for them to meet at the landing. “Landing?” I get to my usual stopping place on this trail and notice a road continues out the South end. “Is this where the Landing is? “ I wonder to myself. The dogs and I hike probably a ½ mile or so and come into a clearing. There is a small picnic shelter, three dug out canoes, a place to get into the river. The Kayakers are just finishing putting the last of the Kayaks away. I notice two women Park Ranger and ask, “How do I get to go on the Kayaks?” Well, the older women answers, at least my age, “Your park admission gets you the kayak tour.” “I have a pass,” I query.’”Well then,” she answers, “For you it is free!” “Free!” I can hardly believe it. She explains how to sign up and I smile. I will be able to find out if I enjoy Kayaking before I buy one.

The Rangers load up, drive off and I realize I am alone with the dogs, miles away from anyone. I start the hike back and hope I haven’t stayed past closing time of the Fort. They warned me they would close the gate and images of me and the dogs trying to spend the night enter my mind. We make it back, I water the dogs and we head home. I look at the trucks clock and realize we’ve hiking for hours, I’m a little tired that’s for sure.

The ride home is uneventful and I joy in the expanses of tree-lined highway that I am privileged to see. The dogs tired also, smile their doggy smiles and peacefully go to their shaded back yard. My soul is refreshed and I feel so fortunate. God is taking care of me and allowing me to get back into nature. For the six weeks this spring that I could not drive my soul longed for the woods, mountains and oceans that I feared I would never be able to see again.

But God is good, for a season I am being allowed to joy in the beauty of creation. It comforts me to see how often Jesus went to the hills or the sea. He needed to get away, and I need to get away. With God’s help I will take each moment as it comes and be thankful I get to be outdoors so often.

I have made a little video of my pictures from the coast. I’m hoping to be able to post it on this blog so you can see a little of what I get to see. I was thinking that for those of you who can’t sleep at night, this might be a way to relax and unwind.(note: two days later, I'm sitting at the library right now watching a screen that says "uploading video" I've been watching that screen for a while.............. Don't know if it will work, hope so.Oh, I'm so silly I'm getting tired of waiting but I really want peole to be able to see this. If I give up and go home, forgive me. I tried but there are many other things I need to do.)

Thank you God for creating such a beautiful world.

Be happy and be blessed. Remember God hears and answers prayers and joy will come in the morning.

Robin

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?

2015-06-20T11:48:00.002-07:00

“All the lonely people, where do they all come from?” Beatles

Photos in this blog are from my beach trip last weekend, 6.14.15.
Thank you family for my new camera!

As a single person for most of my life, the loneliness has often times gotten the best of me. I love my Bible, I pray, I have Christian friends but sometimes, life presents challenges that seem almost unbearable. I’ve turned to the Scriptures, again and again to find promises, (verses) that speak to my situation. I have claimed in faith those promises (verses) to be true in my own life. And, God is faithful eventually the heartbreaks lessen, the situations change, but, in the mean time, being alone seems to make going through the pain a lot more difficult.

Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12

“Two are better than one because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him, (or her) who is alone when he (or she) falls, for they have no one to help them up. Again, if two lie down together they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.”

I have found the above to be true to some extent. But, there is a caveat here, which is, two are better than one only if there is love and respect in the relationship. Unfortunately, we live in a fallen world with sinful natures. People aren’t always good relationships partners. People can be overcome by anger, wrath, mental illness, violence, abusive attitudes. When you are with someone like that things get worse, not better.

The perfect ‘relationship’ has been romanticized throughout the ages. Books, plays, songs, poems, movies all have contributed to the myth that ‘true love’ exists. I do know some people who love each other, and have a good relationship. But, the sad fact of the matter is, there are more people alone, or in dysfunctional relationships then there are people who are in satisfying, rewarding marriages. It is increasingly true that as our culture decreasing commits to Godly values ‘being with someone’ becomes a poor substitute for being with the right someone.

For myself, I married poorly. I somehow didn’t seem to have a clue what to look for in a spouse. As a young woman, I had plenty of suitors but who I ended up choosing to marry was the least likely to succeed at being a supportive husband. After an agonizing abandonment by this husband I continued to struggle, looking for that right someone. The wanting to be loved issue was strong in me as well as the not wanting to be alone. Well, making one horrible mistake doesn’t create a good foundation for making better choices in the future. It’s said, “People can learn from their mistakes.” Yes, this can be true in some senses, but concurrently with that is the fact making horrible choices scars people emotionally, psychologically, and sometimes physically. You can’t go through physical, emotional, verbal and psychological abuse and not have wounded places in your heart. It just isn’t possible.

Out of those wounded places, I have found that fear grows. It’s impossible not to have symptoms of PTSD that surface in new relationships, affect your judgement and impinge on your ability to be happy. Additionally, for some inexplicable reasons, history seems to repeat itself. The same vulnerabilities that contributed to choosing the first unsuitable mate resurface in the next relationship. I’ve heard some women describe this phenomena like this, “The crazies just seem to be drawn to me. No matter how hard I try to find a nice guy, I keep ending up with the men who yell at me, threaten me, try to control me and wind up hitting me. I want it to stop.”

I have compassion for these men and women, because from personal experience I know how difficult this cycle of abuse is to break. The longer you are alone, the more you want to be with someone. The more desperate you feel, the lonelier you feel, the more likely you are to respond to any demonstration of caring. You waive the inner cautions, daring to believe, “This time things will be different. He’s not like the other guys, look he’s polite, he buys me things and he says he loves God.”

And then, something happens, the anger surfaces and the whole abusive cycle begins all over again.

In my life, I have been beaten, spit on, had a broken rib, lost a baby as a result of a beating, had multiple bruises, had my hair pulled, been called vicious names, had my life threatened, been threatened with having my children stolen….the list goes one. I have been lied to, lied about and been homeless. I didn’t come from a deprived childhood, I had good parents and lived in a beautiful home. I had every advantage possible; music lessons, swimming lessons, beautiful clothes, family vacations, church camps, my own car at 16, no physical wants ever. I can honestly say, I never had a day in my life when I went hungry, ever.

I was gifted musically and intellectually and was in special classes for the gifted throughout my schooling. Physically I was and am, extremely well, reasonably pretty. There were none of the factors which psychologists could point to for me being unable to be successful in a marriage relationship. The one factor they didn’t count on was my rebellion against God and family values. I embraced much of the 60’s hippy philosophy with vigor. I loved the song, “Are you going to San Francisco…” and without so much as a longing last look left my parents, a beautiful home, and went to live there with an ever-so-much sketchy boyfriend.

One of the first stops we made was to an alley dumpster for him to throw away all my Bobby

Brooks, Pendleton fancy clothes and pare things down to a bare minimum. I should have taken this as a warning and dropped him off at the nearest gas station and drove home to the safety and security of my parents home. I didn’t and over the next couple of years things rapidly got worse. It was as if I’d found the door to hell and couldn’t retrace my steps and get out of it. The hippy philosophy promised freedom, free love and peace. It didn’t deliver any of that but gave instead pain, anguish and heartbreak.

I wish I could say things got better, but they didn’t. They got worse. The relationship, well it finally ended after multiple abandonment's; once while in San Francisco; once while living with my parents in Auburn; again while pregnant with my oldest child and living in Tacoma; and finally while with my infant daughter when living in Vancouver, Washington. What do those multiple abandonment's coupled with physical and emotional abuse do to someone? I can tell you, they break your heart and leave wounds that are slow to heal.

At this moment, I don’t have the time to talk about the other situations I have found myself in, but from the vantage point of my now 65 years of life I can say this; God is compassionate, He is forgiving, His mercies are new every morning. The pain and suffering I have gone through in these situations has made my heart able to feel the pain of the clients I am with. Working with the teenagers, and some adults, I have compassion for their suffering. I know how confusing life is and how you get into situations that seem impossible to overcome. I know what it is to feel hopeless, depressed and frightened. I know the limits of human resources to touch that pain and give direction.

For the last 10 years I have accepted my aloneness. I have not tried to find a husband to help me face life, I have tried to come closer to God through reading my Bible, praying and attending church. I have found that God is strengthening me day by day to face life’s challenges and the demands of an incredibly difficult job of being a drug and alcohol counselor. I also have found to be true that I need to do a lot of positive self-care. I don’t watch movies, TV, or things on the internet that would harm me spiritually. I visit nature often, drinking in the ocean and mountain air and vistas. I ready my Bible daily, I pray daily, and I guard my heart.

“Guard my heart,” what does that mean you might ask. Well for me it means I try to limit my exposure to additional personal trauma. I work in a chaotic environment, outside of my control, but in my home, I try not to have any ‘awfulness’. The ‘awfulness’ for me could be unpleasant people, situations, or substances. My home is a safe zone. I don’t frivolously flirt with men. (Yes, at age 65, it’s possible.) I don’t go places that are questionable.

I still get lonely. There is a verse in Psalms that says, “The heart knows it’s own bitterness and no stranger shares it’s joys.” That part is hard. I try to pray as much as I can and talk to God about things. I have several friends and family members with whom I can share some things, but by in large most things I keep in my heart.

But, I am so blessed. Right now I am hearing the sounds of birds singing outside my window in the woods next to my home. The sun is shining in golden waves on the cedar branches draping over my back yard. I have money to go buy fruit, and milk and other food. I am in excellent health. It s sunny with a brilliant blue sky. I have the entire day off and, I can drive later to the mountains, river or ocean and hike my beloved trails. I have peace in spite of multiple situations that could threaten my financial security at any moment. I am blessed.

“His compassions fail not, they are new every morning.” Lamentations 3:22-23

There was a Beatles song I sang to as a teenager, “all the lonely people, where do they all come from.” Well I know where this lonely person came from and after all is said and done, everything I learned at college, through reading, and listening to others does not compare to the strength and comfort that is found in trusting in Jesus to help you cope with the heartbreaks of life.

There’s an old Ira P. Stanfill song that I’ve often played on my piano,

I traveled alone, upon this lonesome way

My burdens so heavy, and dark was my day
I looked for a friend, not knowing that He
Had all the time, been looking for me

Chorus
Now, it is Jesus and me, for each tomorrow
For every heartache, and every sorrow
I know that I can depend, upon my new found friend
And so till the end, it’s Jesus and me

Note: you can listen to this song on U-tube sung by different artists.

“May the God of all comfort, fill you with joy and peace in believing.” Romans 15:13

Take care and be blessed.

Robin

A word in due season...................

2015-06-04T10:25:00.002-07:00

Note: Please read the added note at the end of this blog. Robin

It is mid-morning here in the small, coastal Oregon city where I live. Yesterday torrents of warm spring rains drenched the trees, lawns, flowers and me as I journeyed to see the Doctor. Somewhat ironically, after weeks of waiting to see if I had cancer or serious heart issues; (which I didn’t), I am now sick as a dog with what I think is pneumonia or bronchitis. Searing chest pain, coughing, headaches, sneezing, fever, I am a mess. The doctor, kind, older diagnosed bronchitis, prescribed rest, fluids and antibiotics and sent me home. If I’m not better in four days they will do x-rays to see if it’s pneumonia.

And so I’m home from work again today. I’m weak and weepy. I cried for a long time this morning just trying to figure things out. Praying, asking God for guidance. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, really, because I’ve been blessed with a lifetime of exceptionally good health. I just am feeling sick, and helpless and weak. So I’m resting, waiting for the chest pain to stop and some semblance of energy to return.

I’ve been reading through my Bible this morning, trying to find comfort and direction for the hundreds of decisions facing me. I’m asking God to help me understand how to figure things out. I am so tired, and hurt all over.

While going through a few chapters in Proverbs, the following verse caught my attention. “Anxiety in the heart of man (or woman) causes depression. But a good word makes it glad.” Proverbs 12:25 Hmm, I never realized before that the Bible talks about depression. But this verse really sums it up; anxiety causes depression. Ok, I think I know what anxiety means, because I took what seemed like a million classes in Psychology way back when, but I am interested enough I think I’ll look at the definition in the dictionary. Ok, just getting up to get the dictionary the searing chest pain and wrenching cough reminds me I’m sick.

Ok, anxiety- “Painful uneasiness of mind over an anticipated ill.” Anxious- uneasy in mind: worried.” Webster’s

Yep, I know what anxiety means and admittedly right at this moment, I’m there in the middle of it. I have acquaintances who get annoyed with me when I express any kind of worry. They offer advice, well meaning, God is in control. I get that, and probably if the truth were known I’ve said the same thing to others when they were telling me their worries. It makes me consider if maybe comfort might be a better option sometimes to people going through things.

The second part of the verse in Proverbs kind of gives me an inkling that this might be true. “ But a good word makes it glad.” Calling into work these last few days the two young women who work in the front office are such sweet, nice women. They are so kind to me at work, and now that I’m sick their words of comfort and concern are so welcoming to hear. The nurse and the doctor were both really nice to me, telling me to get better soon, hoping I would feel better. They seemed genuine, not contrived, or fake. One of my children has been checking in on me, seeing if I need anything. I so deeply appreciate that.

Anyway, back to Proverbs. The verse seemed so timely to me, so full of import, (Anxiety in the heart of man (or woman) causes depression. But a good word makes it glad. Proverbs 12:25) that I decided to follow the cross references to see if I could learn more of what this means, and what it looks like in the everyday world I live in.

One of the cross references for this verse is Isaiah 50:4, “The Lord God has given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him who is weary.” Wow, that’s a mouthful, a word in season, to him (or her) who is weary. There is obviously a time, or season to speak the right word into someone’s life. Conversely there is the wrong time, or wrong season to speak into someone’s life. Back to Webster’s, in the definition of season, one of the first things mentioned is, season, as in the action of sowing. You have to wait to plant (or sow) your seeds until the soil warms up, any gardener knows that.

Well, it appears that in terms of helping others, there is a season, or time for sowing. This makes me think of the concept of timing, God’s timing. Near the end of his life from his hospital bed my father tried to impart some wisdom to me. Among the things he shared was this, “Robin, “ he shared from a weakened form ravaged from cancer, “I have seen God’s hand more in His timing, than in anything else.” This statement from my father has stuck with me through the years and I have recalled it when in my own life circumstances were arranged in a sequence that could only be providential.

So, looking back at speaking a word in season, or in the right timing, into someone’s life, it appears that it could be very important to understand, to know when the “right time” is, and more importantly, not to miss it. For me, being ill, has heightened my sensitivity to people’s responses to me. Those who are kind and caring, shine through my life with a bright, clear light. Those who are not kind, who are not caring, who are callous and self-absorbed are revealed by the cold, clear light of reality. It’s not at all difficult to sort the people out and to realize how precious and sometimes rare kindness is.

It reminds me of how in Proverbs, kindness was extolled as the greatest virtue a man could have in God’s eyes. Not how powerful a man is, or wise, or rich, or famous but how kind. For me, speaking a word in season leans more towards comfort then rebuke, or exhortation. I think this because of the second part of the verse that speaks to the fact that when a person is weary, they need that word of comfort, of encouragement.

Right at this moment, weakened by illness, discouraged by situations outside of my control, my hope is in God. I need a miracle, a way where there is no way. Oh, it’s not for lack of looking that I don’t have solutions, it is the fact that I’m not able to find answers that make pratical sense. For example: my roof is leaking in two different places. I’ve asked several people to help and they said yes, then forgot me. I don’t have thousands of dollars anymore to invest in a roof repair. What do I do? Do I wait until someday, it falls on my head?

I pray. I called the insurance company and they will cover the two missing shingle repairs as weather related, with the caveat there is a 1000 deductible. Great, that leak will be stopped. But it’s not the only leak, there’s another one, not weather related that is creating damage on my beautiful vaulted ceiling. I’m working and don’t qualify for low income home repair loans. A divorce a number of years ago ruined my A-plus credit. So, for now I’m stuck. I can’t get on the roof, I tried, I’m not strong enough to pull myself up over the top of the ladder, so I can’t try to fix it. Although I did google roof repair and read through the various ways to try to stop a leak.

So these worries, (multiple needed home repairs) are anxieties that wear me down, and wear me out. What will God do in this situation? I don’t know, I’m waiting feeling somewhat like a pathetic fool, but still I’m clinging to the promises, “I will yet praise him for the help of my countenance.” I will yet praise Him for the help for my roof and the rest of the home repair list. I watch a lot of Hallmark movies where they show homeless people living in abandoned buildings. I’m starting to feel like that. I have a home but it’s breaking around me. Being sick, I sort of feel my body is breaking around me too.

It encourages me to read my devotional books and read the words of others who have struggled in life circumstances. They speak from the pages of these books into my life words of comfort in the seasons of my weariness. Through the years of their lives they collectively share this common refrain, “God is faithful.” No matter what happens, He is still there. Whether in good times, or bad times, He is still there and He will comfort and strengthen you in the middle of the storm. I realize how fortunate I am compared to millions in the world. I still have heat and light and food. I have medical insurance and access to medicine and doctors. My suffering is nothing compared to many who are in dire straits. I am not in dire straits, just a few bumps in the road.

“God is faithful and will not leave me desolate, but will make a way of escape so that I am able to bear with this current situation.” ( My paraphrase).

To those of you who are reading this, take hope. God loves you and knows what you are going through. Weeping only lasts for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

Take care and be blessed. Keep praying and things will change, He promised He would help when we call, and He is faithful.

Note: After finishing writing my blog, I went to watch some TV and rest in my easy chair turned on 700 Club. Don’t usually watch it but thought, maybe there would be something interesting. The first sequence was about an Los Angeles police officer who graduated from the police academy and prayed, “Ok, God. I’ll accept any assignment only please don’t send me to Skid row.” The police officer was sent to Skid Row and has worked there for 17 years. He spoke and shared as scenes from Skid Row were shown; people in desperate need; sleeping on the street, sick, addicted, desolate. I watched this until it completed.

I then watched another segment about orphans. The woman sharing told about over 148 million orphans worldwide. She spoke to their needs, their risks, their plights. After watching these two brief stories of suffering I realized again how fortunate I am. Yes I am hurting physically, and worried, but I have so much. Food, home, money, faith, family, safety. How many of the people represented by Skid Row and the orphans could claim to have those things? Probably none of them.

I am lucky, I am fortunate, I am blessed. Hopefully I will feel better again. Will I remember this pain and think to help the helpless? Or will I plan my next vacation? I don’t know. Because I work in a “helping” profession that brings me into contact with a lot of the more unpleasant sides of humanity I have kind of rationalized that takes care of me helping outside work. By the time I’m done with my 40 plus hours, I’m exhausted and just need to rest. When my suffering is over, will I forget and move on or will I remember? And out of that remembering will I look at ways to help ease other people’s suffering? Will I?

Uncertain

2015-05-29T19:43:00.004-07:00

Uncertain……..

Yesterday I went to the mountains; roads climbing through the gray clouds, heavy with rains. It was wet and cold and gray. I went with family and we prayed for better weather and gradually the drops lessened, the roads cleared but the low lying gray clouds remained, along with a surprisingly cold, cutting through the fabric of my coat and leaving me shivering in the cold.

The day, filled with memories of watching grandchildren joy in new adventures was a happy one for me. I did not join in the activities but remained an observer just enjoying the chance to join in their happiness.

As the day continued I found a bench near an outside fire and remained there for several hours. From that vantage point I could see the expanse of mountain slopes in front of me and watch as my family rode up the mountain on the chair lifts and then catching glimpses of their exciting rides down the alpine slides. Such excitement for two small boys exploring an exciting new series of adventures.

Also fascinating to me was to watch the fit, strong mountain bikers hitch their bikes to the chair lifts, go higher, higher and higher and then ride furiously down the ski slopes, flying into the air as they fearlessly tackled jumps. There was a time in my life I would have followed suit, certainly not as strong as they, but still filled with the wonder of trails high on the alpine slopes. Briefly I am filled with the desire to ride the ski-lift up to the top of the mountain and breathe in the mountain vistas and cool, sweet high mountain air.

My family however, is wearing down, after five hours of active fun and I realize them waiting the hour or so for me to ride the ski-lift up the mountain would be an added burden for them. My daughter is willing but I am not, it has been wonderful to see their day of adventures.

I have a smaller request though, one I think the two small boys will enjoy. “Can we visit the Mountain? “ I ask tentatively. I had heard that Mt. Hood was just a few miles up the road. “We can touch the snow, “ I counter, hoping to generate some enthusiasm in the tired, tired family members.

“Snow!” the boys cry.

The parents tired, smile and load their small children up in their car seats, “Ok, let’s go.” They answer and start up the road towards Mt. Hood. The road winds higher and higher. No traces of snow, just thin forests springing from grey barren soils. We continue up and up and up and I watch for the first glimpse of the peak out the right side window of the jeep.

“Mom,” my daughter gently tells me, “Look there’s the mountain.” And out the front window of the car the beautiful peak appears dressed with golden sunshine, and glistening fields of white snow. I sigh, it is so beautiful and I had so wanted to see it, to have a chance to stand on the slopes and touch the last remnants of snow greeting the late spring afternoon.

We park and slowly hike up one of the trails to the nearest snow field. I am understandably the last up the hill. I watch as two grandchildren delight in the joy of the treat of the large patch of snow and slip, slide and snow ball themselves, their parents and me. I drink in the views and hike to a ridge where I can look down upon the Mt. Hood Lodge nestled below on a slope behind where we are.

My eyes watch for the patches of the alpine flowers turning their yellow, blue and violet faces to the high mountain sunshine. In the distance, other snow-capped mountain peaks touch the sky. I stay for a few moments more drinking in the mountain air, the expansive vistas, and the quiet.

On the way home, my daughter and I sing innumerable lyrics of songs. I am amazed at how many songs she knows, “How is it,” I ask myself, “That I never realized how musical she was when she was growing up?” I guess it was part of being always so busy, trying to raise a family by myself and take care of the unending challenges of earning a living, maintaining a home and taking care of the children.

And now, my home is empty and the future stretches ahead with a vast unknowingness about it. “What now God?” I ask. “What does the future hold for me?”

Of this one thing I am sure, I am uncertain. I am uncertain with a certainty that surprises me; I am sure that I don’t know, what I don’t know.

So what do I do? Well, experience has taught me, making choices just to “do something” doesn’t always make things better. So, until I get more insight, more guidance, I will continue to do I what I can to maintain the status quo of my life. To work, to clean, to pay the bills I am able. To hike the trails when I am able; to sit on the ocean shore when I can.

Sometimes you cannot fathom

The twists and turns of life

Somethings you hadn’t planned on

Happen- bringing strife.

You pray and ask for guidance

And wait until you hear

A word, a sense of knowing

“This way, God’s made it clear.”

Looking for God’s purpose

And trying to find His plan

Doesn’t come with blueprints

Or footsteps in the sand.

It’s part a mix of praying

and part a mix of faith.

It’s two parts still believing

And one part, divine grace.

His word has promised waiting

Will someday end in peace

So wait, when you’re uncertain

And tell your worry, “cease.”

May God grant you His compassionate care and peace while you wait for solutions to the mountains in your own life.

Somehow, sometime, He will make a way - where there is no way.

‘Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. “

Goodbye and be blessed.

2015-05-29T18:43:00.000-07:00

Waiting

2015-05-17T11:52:00.000-07:00

May 17, 2015

“Waiting”

It is Sunday morning here in my corner of the world, high in the Oregon hills nestled along the banks of the Columbia River. I cannot see the River from my home, but I know it’s there; the sound of the fog horns through the fog of the large ships making their way to and from the ocean let me know the River is there silently making it’s way to the sea. My bedroom window is open, the birds calling hello to the morning in the forest that reaches to touch my home with large boughs of the cedar and fir trees edging the cliff close to my home.

In some ways, my waiting times have ended. After six long weeks of not being able to drive, medical test results flood my mailbox and phone. “You are cleared to drive, heart monitor shows no significant abnormalities.” “Lab results show no abnormalities.” “X-rays reveal no abnormalities.” “Bloodwork shows no abnormalities.” “Biopsies show no abnormalities.” The list goes on. I have been tested for many things and I am “o.k.”

I drove to work Friday and it felt strange to not take the little rural bus and greet the regular riders and drivers. I had gotten to know them, their names, their family’s names, their joys, sorrows and challenges. I will miss them. They were what I call, ‘regular people’ without the artifice, guile and sophistication that masks many of the other people with whom I am acquainted. The ‘bus people’ were real and shared openly from their hearts not worrying about political correctness, but just real, open. I found them refreshing and also amazingly kind and considerate of me and my struggles of being tied to a heart monitor and waiting to see what in the world was wrong with me. So, after thousands of dollars worth of dozens of exams and tests, I am “ok”.

Yesterday, Saturday I realized I could drive anywhere I wanted. I had money, vehicles, time. I did some chores, got in my rig and headed for the coast. Zooming along Hwy 30 it felt weird, the rich, lush hills and valleys, the glimpses of the Columbia River slowly edging towards the Ocean. Winding through the hills towards Astoria I flipped a mental coin, “Should I go North to Washington or head to the Northern Oregon Coast?” North it was and I drove across the mouth of the Columbia on the long expanse of bridge. The seagulls, catching the air streams of the cars zoomed low above my car, paralleling the miles of bridge across the water. As a child, ferry boats took us across this River. I can remember the excitement brought by the building of the new bridge and how huge it appeared to my young eyes. Now, aging, it still seems a miracle of sorts as I see the eddying waters surge underneath it’s broad expanse.

Finally, on the Washington side I drive along the banks of the Columbia towards the ocean. Choices present themselves every few miles or so; “Should I stop and explore this historic site or this one?” “No!” I tell myself, ”Not today.” I’ve been to all these sites many times in the past, they are wonderful, historic, interesting. They offer outstanding panoramic views of ocean and River. But, I don’t feel like seeing them today. I am just driving today experiencing my freedom and coming to terms with the fact that although certainly like everyone else, I will die, it apparently is not going to be as quickly as I had thought for these last six weeks.

I continued to drive and went to Iwaco, quaint old fishing town. Nothing beckoned me here to stop. I continued driving. I went to Long Beach and drove through the old cement archway that has proclaimed as long as I can remember, Long Beach, Washington. “The World’s Longest Beach.” I drove down and parked where I could see the surf and observe a kite club and they’re colorful kites waving proudly in the sky. I watched for a long while but did not get out to hike the beach which I normally would do, “not today” I told myself, “not today.” I tired ot watching the kites, people and waves and drove and parked near the downtown shopping. I got out and walked, watching people, looking into store and restaurant windows. I realized I could buy anything I wanted but nothing appealed to me. I walked on. I entered and went through Marsh’s free museum, picked up a trinket of two, left the store without buying anything. I didn’t need or want anything. I walked the length of shopping one way, crossed the street and walked back on the other side. A shop or two looked interesting and I browsed. I wanted nothing. Near where I parked, I went into a candy store and looked around, cases upon cases of rich, fun treats. I left with a small bag of carmel corn, enough days left to sample other treats if I wanted them.

I decided to drive back to Oregon and visited a second hand store where I purchased a $5 turqoise vase and a T-square to replace the one someone borrowed and did not return. I stopped at Home Depot and looked at all their plants, nothing I wanted. I went through Ross, nothing I wanted except a new dog leash to replace the four a grandson had taken for his new dog. Driving home, I looked forward to just watching TV and enjoying the quite. Six weeks of down time has turned me into a more sedentary person. Maybe tomorrow I will work on chaning that, but not today.

During the six weeks of medical testing, I realized I was ready to die. I had reconciled myself to the fact that my body was worn out and I was facing the beginnings of disease and decay. I had started sorting out things mentally and physically to ease the burden on my family upon my decease. It’s anticlimactic in a way to say, “I’m going to live.” And in a sense, more challenging because now, given these weeks to look at my life, my work, my family, my goals, I have to answer the question, “now what?”

Friday, driving to work after getting the call that my heart was ok and I could drive, I came home from work and watched a Joyce Meyers special on the homeless children of Madagascar. It was a heartbreaking special with photos and stories of incomprehensible travesties of degradation and horror. The special documented the Joyce Meyers ministries partnering with others to build a ‘safe house’ were hundreds of the homeless children can come at night to escape the constant threat of rape, death or torture from the many who prey on them relentlessly. I forced myself to watch these images and asked myself the inevitable question, “What in the world am I doing to ease the pain of the millions of suffering children in the world?”The answer, painfully, is, “Not much.” Oh I try with all my might to help the teenagers and adults I encounter in the drug and alcohol center where I work, but in many cases I can’t see that I’ve really “helped” them. I try to help my extended family whenever I can, but in most cases I can’t see that I’ve really “helped” them either. And so, now that I’m ‘going to live’ as it were for a while I’m asking myself the tough question of what in the world am I here for?

I continue to read my Bible and pray. I am very aware that in the past, I’ve answered the question of “What am I here for?” with plans that have not worked out all that well. I’ve started huge gardens for the homeless. I’ve started a free inspirational newspaper to encourage struggling adult singles. I’ve worked in a Singles ministry trying to connect people with resources and ministries to rediscover their lives. I got training to become a drug and alcohol counselor and worked with hundreds of people struggling with addiction. I’ve raised seven children and tried to support them in school, in church in education to pursue happy and fulfilling lives. I am not sure how many of the people I tried to “help” perceive what I did as helpful to them in the long run.

But, now at this point of my life, although so much of me wants to change some significant factors in my life, (job, home, location) I am waiting upon God. It’s surprisingly not easy for me. I am a person who has found more comfort in making to-do lists, of creating plans and objectives. Recently a verse from Psalms has come into my mind again and again, “A person’s mind plans their way, but the Lord directs their steps.”

I am however praying for an open door. It’s as if, facing death, being grounded as it were for six weeks has freed me from thinking I need to be tied to any conventional format. It has also cleared my mind to objectively see that not everyone in my life is all that “nice” to me. Some people are not. I also have had to accept that no amount of talking to these people is going to help these situations. For whatever reasons, they have their own agendas. And so, I continue to pray. I’m not wild about suffering, but I continue to claim the promises of God that it is for a purpose, for my good and eventually it will end.

This morning, my Bible opened to Isaiah to two familiar passages I love. I am going to put them here in their entirety for you to read.

Isaiah 40: 28-31

“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall. But those who wait on the Lord, shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”

Isaiah 41: 10-13

“Fear not, for I am with you; Bfe not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes I will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Behold all those who were incensed against you shall be ashamed and disgraced. They shall be as nothing. And those who strive with you shall perish. You shall seek them and not find them. . Those who contended with you, those who war against you shall be as nothing as a nonexistent thing. For I, the Lord your God will hold your right hand. Saying to you, Fear not, I will help you.”

Ok I don’t want you reading this to think I’m hoping the people who are hurting me will die. That’s not the case. I pray for them by name that God will help them. I don’t know what is going on their lives, I know they are struggling and the fact they are creating situations that are uncomfortable and painful for me I am accepting. I need to learn something, my character needs refining. Do I like this? No, I don’t but I am not going to run away, I am not going to fight. I am going to pray and wait.

The day will come when things will change. These six, long, yes, very long weeks have helped me understand that the changes that come may look far different than I would have planned. The changes are unknown, but the God who holds my future if faithful and not one moment of unpleasant circumstance will be wasted in creating a willingness in my part to become available for the this next stage of my life and work.

This morning in one of the daily devotionals I read, Streams in the Desert, this poem was presented.

Waiting! Yes patiently waiting!

Till next steps made plain shall be;

To hear with inner hearing,

The Voice that will call for me.

Waiting! Yes hopefully waiting!

With hope that need not grow dim;

The Maker is pledged to guide me,

And my eyes are unto Him.

Waiting! Expectantly waiting!

Perhaps it may be today

The Maker will quickly open

The gate to my future way.

Waiting! Yes waiting! Still waiting!

I know, though I waited long,

That, while He withholds His purpose,

His waiting cannot be wrong.

Waiting, Yes, waiting! Still waiting!

The Master will not be late:

He knoweth that I am waiting

For Him to unlatch the gate.

J. Danson Smith

To those of you reading this who are going through trials in your own lives, take hope, God is faithful, He will help you. Remember, prayer changes things, weeping may endure for a night, but joy will come in the morning!!! He has promised!!!

Take care and be blessed. Robin

Gotta do, have to get done, going to wait; moment by moment

2015-04-28T16:02:00.000-07:00

Sitting at home in my recliner this morning looking out the window on a gray world; skies leaden with dull mask covering the golden sun. It is ok, I remember yesterday with its warmth, sunshine and beauty; and more importantly I believe the sun will shine again. I cannot work today, I am hurting after having an invasive biopsy and I sit waiting for my body to heal.

My mind? Well my mind keeps spinning on gotta do’s, have to get done, must accomplish tasks that lay before me. Maybe, just maybe for today the list will be untouched and I will rest.

Read my Bible this morning, the last few chapters of Mark. Re-reading Mark this time through I’ve began to see more clearly how many emotions Jesus had. This is impactful for me because somewhere along the line of my life I had picked up the notion Jesus was a Stoic. By that I mean he was able to observe life, people with their flaws, sins and vices and not experience the anger, hurt, and disappointment that “normal” people do. I guess I best can explain it by talking about Spock on Star Trek. (Right now I can envision some of my family reading this saying, “Good grief, now she’s really gone off the rails.”)

Spock was half human, half alien. He could dispassionately observe a stressful situation and make a calm, collected analysis, often bugging Bones (the Dr) or the Captain. They alternately valued his analysis and despised his inability to empathize with their agonizing emotions about those same issues. Growing up as an emotional, musical child who was, and am anything but calm, cool and collected, I somehow translated this into perceiving Jesus, as God/man as having the ability to not experience the uncomfortableness of feeling.

Recently, asking God to continually cleanse me and allow His Spirit to teach me more about Jesus, I have come to see over and over in the Gospels that Jesus felt all kinds of emotions. Being burdened by the weight of these awareness of people and sin and suffering, He often went away by himself, or with his closest friends to the mountains or the sea or Garden to pray and gain strength. Jesus experienced anger, he experienced disappointment, he experienced compassion, he experienced despair. He was fully human and fully God. I do not understand how this is possible but I choose to believe in His deity.

I don’t begin to understand how my TV works, but that doesn’t stop me from believing it works, and watching it. The same is true with millions of things in our physical world. If their functioning depending on our understanding how they exist we, the world, would have spun apart eons ago. The point I’m trying to make is we have faith in so many things we don’t understand and never can. Why is it faith in Jesus is seen as being so “uncool” by so many people? Why are Christians ridiculed for their faith as needing a crutch of religion to get by in the world?

I don’t know, but I am happy to say, I no longer care either. It’s not as important as it once was to me to be popular; to be one of the in crowd. I choose to believe.

“Faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

It is comforting to me to increasingly understand that Jesus, can understand me and my many emotions because Jesus experienced emotions. The same Jesus who had compassion on the hungry, the hopeless, the hurting, the helpless can have compassion on me in the middle of my pain. I don’t have to be perfect to have Him accept me. I don’t have my physical, emotional, and spiritual to-do list done for Him to love me.

“While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

This acceptance, this caring, this forgiveness, this cleansing is free and it’s not contingent on my goodness, my suitability, my ‘rightness” it is available to whosoever. I’m in the whosoever; me with my flaws, weaknesses, failings, and emotions can come to Jesus, just as I am and say, “Help me Jesus. I fall short of your glory and goodness. I fall short of your standard of love and forgiveness. Help me Jesus, without you I am nothing. I need your help with life, it’s a bit too much for me to deal with right now. I am weak, I need your strength. I am upset I need your peace.”

And His promises are true, He is faithful to forgive and cleanse and He cares. Unlike a Stoic Spock, Jesus feels our sorrows, He cares about our hurts. He is omnipotent, He is omnipresent. He being God can transcend our time and our space. He can come into our hearts and lives in the middle of our pain, in the middle of our trials and offer us, His peace in the midst of the storm. His strength in the midst of weakness. His love in the midst of hurt, resentment and pain.

And so now, I’m in the middle of my own storm of a health crisis but I know that in the middle of this, I can find His peace. I can find His strength. I honestly and truly believe that something good is going to come out of this, I’m not sure what, I’m not sure where but this one thing I know; in rough times in my life before Jesus has rescued me. He has helped me survive. He has been my provision, my provider, my friend, my comforter, my support, my shield, my righteousness, my deliverer and my Savior. He will not fail me now. Whether in life or death He will walk beside me and say, “Fear not I am with you. I will hold your right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

“Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows.” Isaiah 53: 4

Look up, seek His face. He will honor your prayers for help and will help you. He has promised, and His word is good.

Need more information on how to find a new life with God? Google, In Touch Ministries with Charles Stanley

http://www.intouch.org/

Searching- Moment by moment

2015-04-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

Once at church, a pastor had shared a story of how a shepherd takes care of his sheep. He loves the sheep and watches over them to see they are fed, get water, aren’t victims from preying animals. He takes his job seriously. Occasionally, a lamb is born that lacks the normal herding instinct. That lamb has an adventuresome nature and wanders off to explore patches of land not within the shepherd’s watchful eye. Away from the flock and the shepherd, that lamb runs the risk of being eaten by a wild animal, he is not safe. After having retrieved the lamb from its straying several times the shepherd does something that seems cruel, he breaks one of its legs. The lamb doesn’t understand what is happening, it only knows the pain and the curtailment of his wanderings.

Well, that pastor had told the story to illustrate the fact that sometimes Jesus, our great shepherd has to “break our leg” figuratively speaking because we are prone to wander. Well for me, I’ve been trying to get closer to God and the recent “breaking of my leg” with ill health has been puzzling to me. That ill health also came with a shocking Dr’s order to quit driving. Getting that news and adjusting to what that means in my life, well, let’s just say I’m not adjusting well to being not able to drive. I had imagined perhaps twenty years from now I’d face losing my driving privileges, certainly not now. I’m trying to find meaning in the middle of this chaos of ill health and ensuing problems. Certainly I still believe in God but, yes but, I can’t help wondering, “Is this the beginning of the end of my life? Will the kidney problems translate into having to having dialysis, or surgery? Both of my parents had kidney surgery, with the removal of one kidney. Why should I be exempt? Will the heart monitor reveal additional problems with my heart that will further curtain my physical activity? Will I need surgery? And so the questions keep coming.

At work, I joke about wearing my heart monitor.It's a funny thing with leads attached to your chest, a call button attached and a wireless phone that tracks your heart function. If I forget to take the "phone" part with me from one room to the next it pathetically states, "Searching, searching, cannot find pendant!" (the call button part hanging from my neck.) That small box with a button, looks like the call alert button advertised on TV for seniors. In the TV advertisement, it shows a senior laying on the floor crying, “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” Well, in a way, I’ve fallen and I’m trying to get up. At night, the small box, blinks a blue flashing light near my face waking me up at odd moments to wonder what’s going on.Well, a lot of me is wondering what’s going on. I'm searching for meaning. Where is God headed with all of this in my life?

Grounded from driving, I continue to ride the small rural transit bus to work. In the early morning I walk down the hill from where I live and then wait in the cold morning air for the bus to appear. Others have joined me on this bus and share bits and pieces of how they’ve come to depend on public transport. We are travelers together in a weird happenstance of fate.

At work, I struggle against the weakness of the kidney infection and make the calls and do the paperwork required. Yesterday, in an effort to recoup revenue I was assigned five weekly assessments for the duration of the modified schedule. Assessments involve miles of paperwork and thousands (seemingly) of questions. But, I can’t expect my work to have me there just hanging around, it is called work for a reason.

This April weekend is supposed to be the first hot, summer-like time. My medication for the kidney infection requires I stay out of the sun. I want to cry in protest and I realize what a wimp I am. Millions of people suffer with serious health issues. Millions are hungry possibly every day of their lives. Millions suffer with addiction, mental health problems, or are homeless. Why should I faced with some health issues, (rare for me) be so weak-kneed to not just take it cheerfully? Sort of I feel like I need a stern talking to, “Why shouldn’t I be sick?” “Why should I always be in such good health while all around me people I know suffer from serious health issues?” “Why should I be immune to suffering?”

I have been very grateful for my excellent health. I have so enjoyed the many wonderful hikes and bike rides I’ve taken these last few years. Maybe I will again be able to enjoy hiking alone in the woods or at the beach. Maybe I will get better. And if not, will I learn to be sick gracefully. Will I accept God’s providence for me as including ill health?

One of the men I’ve met while riding the bus is younger than I am. He’s a Veteran and has shared that he’s accepted the fact that his body is in a state of decay. He admits he thought it would be longer before health related disability set in. His COPD issues caught him by surprise. Why he was still physically strong, he was still mentally alert. Having breathing issues restrict his life came as a heart-breaking, life altering shock. But he says, he has accepted it. He is trying to be thankful for what he does has and is gradually adjusting to his limitations. Most difficult he shared, was giving up his independence and facing having to ask people for help. One such pressing problem was the need for firewood getting cut for next winter. Although strong, he can’t physically keep up with the task. He hates asking anybody for help with this and is delaying for a short while the inevitable request, it is more than humbling.

For me, weakened by my current health issues, walking to and from the bus is almost more than I can do. Coming home last night, I hiked a half mile or so to the stop. Then after spending almost an hour and half on the bus I hiked slowly up the hill I live on. Every few feet I had to stop and rest. My body aches and the coat I wore against the chill of the early morning frost seemed to be a claustrophobic garb.

But I made it home, heated up some frozen food and fell asleep watching TV. Quality of life alert, not so good. And so, moment by moment I’m trying to figure this out.

Update: more tests today at the Dr’s office. Shockingly, these tests were painful and left me weak and hurting. I called my youngest and she brought me home where I sit recouping. Waiting for her to buy me soda at Safeway, her four year old son said very quietly, “Gramma, sometimes when people get sick, they die. I don’t want you to die. We need to take care of you.” Ok, well that made me cry. This sweetest of small children shared with me, he doesn’t want me to die. How precious.

Now, still resting, and still sore I sit overlooking the forested hills. It is sunny and there is a wonderful breeze blowing through the house. I cannot know what the future holds. I continue to read my Bible daily and pray. God is good and no matter what things will be ok. Not wild about suffering but oh well, I have had a long and healthy life, I have been blessed.

And, if I’m dying from cancer or some other deadly disease, I am going to enjoy my life moment by moment, but with a heightened awareness of what pain feels like, and hopefully a more compassionate heart for others who are suffering. God is good, my joy will come in the morning, whether in this life or the next. Be blessed and seek His face.

In the valley- moment by moment

2015-04-16T15:33:00.003-07:00

I am here at home today, the sun is shining brightly, the birds sing joyfully in the woods outside my window as I sit resting. I have things to do at work, people I need to meet with but I sit here at home resting. It is not by my choice I am home from work, it is a must do because I am ill.

Much to my amazement, things I care deeply about are being taken away from me one by one. Over two weeks ago all driving was removed from my life for a time. Yesterday I got word that this had been extended for another 30 days pending more test results.

After a week or two at home I researched optional transportation routes to get to my work which is in another State. Family? Well, they have their own jobs, and own families. Bus? Well, I live in a rural area and there is limited bus service, but there is bus service. After finding out the times and location, one early morning I gingerly walked the half mile to the bus stop and waited until a bus appeared. I got on and was informed it was going to another city. I waited and got on the next bus, going the right direction. Again, I was the only passenger.

It was different riding along in the small bus along the country roads. Outside, the hills and forests were still bursting forth in their spring, growth greenery. Me, clutching my purse like the proverbial “old” woman rode along to the transfer point where I was again the only passenger. A few blocks from my work I was let off and I walked into my office. I hadn’t been there in almost two weeks and it felt weird. Going through my patient files, retrieving phone messages I tried to figure out where I was in terms of paperwork, phone calls and faxes.

As I sorted things out, I noticed I really didn’t feel all that well. I had severe kidney pain, and just an overall “not good” feeling. The day seemed to stretch out interminably and until finally seven thirty arrived. One family member had agreed to drive me home that day, since the last bus was long gone at 4 pm. Even though I had continued to feel increasingly “not good” during the work day I had been told several times; “You have to come to the meeting tomorrow it’s very important.” So the next day, I got up, got ready and walked down the steep hill to the bus stop. The road down the hill I live on follows the path of a creek and woodlands where patches of bleeding hearts grow profusely along the pathway I walked. I reached down and touched their tender blossoms and picked one for my pocket. As a child, spring would find me tramping the woods alone to find the new bleeding hearts where I would pick bunches for my mother to put in a vase near her kitchen sink.

On the bus ride, the driver and I talked and I learned his wife had died some time before and he had tried going to church but just didn’t fit in. I invited him to my church which coincidentally, we passed on his daily route. At work, the pain in my kidneys worsened and I did my best to listen to a myriad of agenda items for new processes, ways to improve existing processes and general program updates. Finally, long, pro-longed questions and discussion I had to move into the hallway, I just wasn’t feeling all that well.

A day earlier, one of my children had mentioned to me to ask my employer to adjust my schedule while I was prohibited from driving. I was worried about doing that but after briefly reviewing the ADA (American’s with Disabilities Act) I realized employers were now being directed to provide reasonable accommodations for employees who get sick while being employed. I summoned my courage and emailed Human Resources to ask for reasonable accommodations. After the meeting finally ended, the potluck completed I realized the pain was becoming unbearable and called my doctor.

I continued to gut through my pain and completed my shorter work day and walked to the bus station. Once there I walked inside to presumably wait peaceably out of the cold for the bus to come. Well, I was wrong about the peaceable part. Through the window I could see a woman talking furiously to herself. She appeared agitated. She carried several bags and a large back pack. She continued to talk into the air and entered the bus station muttering to herself. She sat her stuff down and continued to ramble while searching through her belongings.

“Speak to her,” came the still small voice that I know is God’s urging. I prayed silently claiming God’s presence over her and over her obvious confusion. She shook a little, waved her hands and appeared to calm down a little. I began with general conversation.
“Kind of cold out today isn’t it?”

She looked at me, kind of sized me up then answered, “Yes, it’s kind of cold” she answered. As she continued to look frantically through her stuff I asked her gently, “Did you lose something?”

She answered me “Yes, that last bus driver wouldn’t wait for me and took off and I think I dropped my bus pass.”

“What does it look like?” I asked her.

She replied, “It’s blue.”

“I’ll go look,” I told her and walked outside and looked around the bus platform. The cold, chill brisk wind continued to blow trash and leaves but I could not find any blue bus pass.

I went back in and told her, “Sorry I couldn’t find your bus pass. “

She replied, “That’s ok, I found a quarter at the last bus stop.”

Two other people entered the bus station. One a young man with a dazed look about him, the other, a taller older man who began talking with him.

“You can’t stay with me, they won’t allow it. You’ve got to come get your stuff now.” The older man said emphatically.

“I can’t”, the younger man replied dejectedly. “Just throw it away.”

The other man persisted, “No, you need your sleeping bag and the tent. Just go where I told you and you can camp out there and nobody will bother you.”

The young man replied with a tired, vacant sounding voice, “I tried to find where it was but I couldn’t find it, I was just lost.”

The older man more insistently told him once again, “You have to get your stuff today. I can’t keep it there.”

The younger man answered despondently, “I just can’t. ”

With one last, “Get your stuff!” the older man left and the younger man stared in my direction.

“I don’t have any place to live. Are you going out of town?” He asked me with an intensity of inquisitiveness that alarmed me. My mind envisioned him boarding the rural bus with me and getting off at my stop trying to follow me home.

And then, forgive me God, I lied. “No,” I answered him quietly. Looking at him I realized he was desperate and more than a little confused. I listened to him ask the woman I had been talking with earlier if she had a smoke.

Cheerfully she answered him, “Yes, I happened to find one lying on the ground and I snatched it up. I don’t smoke myself but I knew someone would want it.”

The cigarette exchanged hands and an odd conversation between the three of us ensued.

“There’s a nice shelter in Kelso” I told him. He continued to stare vacantly. “I knew someone who stayed there and they said the people were nice to them.”

The woman piped in, “Yes the people are nice there but you’ve got to watch your stuff ‘cause the people who live there will steal from you.”

Hoping to encourage the young man to seek shelter I asked the women, “Is the food good there?”

“Yes the food is good.’ She answered.

Hoping to connect him with other resources I her asked about meals at the Broadway House, (another local homeless shelter where I had volunteered once serving meals.)

“Oh that place has changed,” the woman answered. “Now they won’t let anybody eat there unless you live there. Ever since the new guy took over they don’t help the homeless as much anymore.”

“What about the Salvation Army?” I asked. “Don’t they still serve meals?”

“Yes,” she replied, “But only Monday through Friday. On the weekends a church in Kelso has the Urban café where you can get some food.”

The young man continued to watch us, listening. He looked at my purse then at me. “Great,” I thought, “Here I am an old woman with a purse. Why don’t I just make myself a bigger target?”

The door swung open and two men came lumbering in. The one man talked gently to the other who was swaying back and forth, unable to walk a straight line. They moved towards the row of seats where I was sitting and the drunk man fell down a few feet from where I sat. He struggled to rise up again and I moved before he could fall across my lap. Inside the glass walled window, the bus station assistants didn’t bat an eye or pay any attention, apparently this kind of thing was old hat to them. I said goodbye to the woman and man and moved quickly outside. It was getting too chaotic for me and I was beginning to feel unsafe.

Outside, the cold, crisp wind blew into my face as I waited for the small shuttle bus that would take me home. I thought to myself as I waited, “How funny it is that I would be reading the Gospels, (Matthew, Mark, Luke and John) and trying to find the heart of Jesus and then be exposed to this real reality of suffering and pain of homeless people living in the heart of the city right next to where I work.

“God,” I silently prayer, “What are you trying to show me?”

As I waited, it crossed my mind that God was trying to give me a wake up call of sorts about what I was really doing with my life. On the surface, being a drug and alcohol counselor sounds like a noble cause. You’re helping people who have horrible, life impacting addictions. Well, that’s the idealist viewpoint. In reality, I can’t talk about God. I can’t share the message of hope in Jesus, and other than give them lists of resources, or a referral to mental health services, I can’t do much except listen and educate. How much am I really helping to lift the overwhelming burdens people have? Is there something else I could be doing that would do more to really help people?

One thing that is becoming increasingly real to me as I read and re-read the Gospels is the awareness of how often Jesus felt compassion for suffering people. There are many accounts where Jesus was with people and was moved with compassion. He ministered spiritually and He ministered physically. Increasingly I’m beginning to believe that the church and I individually should be doing more to impact the suffering people are experiencing in the real world. My hobbies, my interests although good in themselves have distracted me from a more noble purpose.

In Isaiah 58:6-8, we are told to:

“Loose the bonds of wickedness, undo the heavy burdens, let the oppressed go free, break every yoke. Share your bread with the hungry, bring to your house the poor who are cast out; when you see the naked, that you cover him, and don’t hide yourself from your own family.” There is a current song I love with the refrain, There is power in the name of Jesus, Break every chain, break every chain, break every chain.” That phrase has so much meaning on so many levels. “Where in this picture am I?” I wonder to myself. “I’m barely making a dent in all this sea of need.”

At church last Sunday evening our pastor had shared that he felt God was impressing on him that one of us there was going to have a ministry outside of the church sphere, that we would go physically away from the area. When the pastor said that, I thought to myself, “It’s me. I know it’s me. I don’t know how, and I don’t know where but I believe it’s me that’s going away.”

So here I am a day or so later, wearing a heart monitor, kidneys hurting, on medication to try to help that prohibit me going in the sun. I am feeling dizzy on and off and have to press my “event” heart monitor and label the symptoms. I don’t sound much like a candidate to go somewhere and minister. I can’t even leave my own house. Right now, it doesn’t even look like I can function normally much less be called to a mission/ministry somewhere to help hurting people.

Never-the-less God, is the Lord of the harvest. He is the God that heals the broken-hearted. He is the God of the impossible made possible. Just because it looks like I am the last person on the list of who’s who to help the helpless doesn’t mean God can’t change my circumstances. If this impression I’m having that I will go away an work in a ministry helping people is just that an impression, I won’t be going anywhere to help anybody. If it’s God will and His calling, things will change, I will change and circumstances will change. He will make a way where there is no way.

Well, I will continue to share with you what happens on my continuing adventure of, moment by moment. Let’s discover together what God leads me through or to.

In your own life, may God grant you comfort and wisdom to discover His continuing will and way for your own life.

5 Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:

6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:

7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:

8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Philippians 2:5-11