Food For Thought

Plastic Surgery

2014-04-27T20:09:00.000-07:00

Been a minute since I posted something. Almost feels like I've been in hiding like most people do after plastic surgery. I must say with so much going on & so many changes I almost talked myself into deleting my blog. I mentally got caught up with having people read what I post versus the reason why I started writing which was for me. After watching a couple of season of Nip/Tuck (can't believe I never watched that show when it was on) and reminding myself of the reason why I started this blog here I am again with all my perfect imperfections and another post.

Do we all fight with they way things are so much so that we would do anything to change it? If we could get a "reset" on things in our life would we really press the button? We put a lot into the life we live in hopes that it turns out the way we want however life happens and things don't always turn out with the sun shinning. Many of us live life with the umbrella up as we tread through the storm others try to find a quick fix. No matter the route, path, or decision you make one thing is constant and that is change. The question is why do you change?

Change is something that we can't run from. How you deal with it really leaves an impact on you and the life you want to live. People spend hours in the gym trying to change how they look and feel. People go on diets, get trainers, and even have surgery to look and/or feel a certain way. People change their entire wardrobe for a certain look or feel when they get dressed up. People even change who they are at times but for what? What is the real reason why you change? Why did you get that gym membership 1/1/2014 or change your wardrobe?

Change is good especially if you are changing for the better and changing for yourself. Change to be you and not with the crowd. Accept the change and embrace it because with change bring on revelations that you may have not seen. Change everything! Change the people, places, things, and even your prayers but change for you and not for the crowd. Be honest with yourself and change. Change for the better you.

For sometime I've tried to change for the crowd to only see the crowd move forward and I remain in the same place watching others progress. Time to change and hit my stride. It is not enough to have people see potential in you if you don't change. Time to move that potential and... change!

Grammatical Errors

2014-01-03T12:04:00.002-08:00

Well, it is a new Year and for some it is a time to make a bunch of changes so that this year can be better than the last. Changes that will make their life 100 times better than it was before. The "New Year Resolution" is what they call it but is it really a resolution or a nice way to say that I am going to try to do something different only to go back to what I was doing last year if this doesn't work... Again. I don't know and to honest I use to be one of those people. Make a bunch of changes just to go back and do the same thing over and over again. I guess you get comfortable with what you are use to instead of being uncomfortable with the change.

So what is going to make this year different for me? I could say a lot but I would rather do more than I say so what I will do is talk about last year and how it has changed me and helped me to grow a little more. I had a lot going on last year and it truly woke me up and made some things clear about who I was, who I am, and the person I am destined to be.

As a former associate of mine pointed out to me that I was not a very honest person. She truly blasted me for some of my lies and stretching of the truth but it truly was necessary and it woke me up. As a man, the worst thing you can do is not be honest. If all people remember about you are the lies that you have told and you reputation is filled with a bunch of stories about lies you have told you are not really living and worst of all you are not being the man that God wants you to be. So saying sorry is not the route to go but realizing that you have a flaw, learning from your mistakes, and growing is all you can do. We all fall short and even in our short comings God protects us and continues to show us how great he is. He takes care of fools and babies.Be honest with yourself and emotions. Have no regrets and be a man to deal with the choices that you make. Pray and make those choices.

Another Lesson I learned is that you can't live for or through other people. Some people only exist to be a parasite on your life. Some of these people are your closet friends, family, and even people who you meet with an interest of dating or starting something serious. Whatever your process is be sure to go through it and make the best decision for you. Only if you could get a car fax on people. Some people only want you around for the role or moment that you play in their life. Once the moment is up they are up and gone. Find some friends who will stick by you and wipe ya ass or find someone to do it if you can't.

Finally, when you are happy know that the devil works harder to try to bring you down. He does everything he can because he knows that many of us live in the world. He knows that we glorify the here and now and not the Lord. He knows that if he can take us away from the masters promises and guarantees he has won. He even uses friends and family to try to tear us up and bring us down. Don't let him win. Find your joy and peace in the lord and find you someone that can see the God in you. Even when you are acting like a fool the light will still shine. We all are fighting for our spirit and mind and there is nothing better than to find someone to fight with you.

I have lives, learned, and loved. I have a peace that I have been searching for. I have a relationship with the Lord that is forever growing. I have a beautiful women in my life who makes me better every sixty-seconds of every minute. I've made some mistakes, hurt some people, and learned to live with all of that. I'm good, better, blessed and you are too!

#DatIshKray

June 16 (Part II)

2013-10-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

I can still remember almost falling asleep after sixteen hours of driving. The trunk was filed with clothes, shoes, and hope that the next part of my life would be better than the one I'm leaving behind. As I drove the car became my life story of some sort. Every rest stop, every song, every car or truck I passed, every mile marker, every sign, every step of the way became a rebirth of some sort. It helped make the trip go by fast and also made me realize how amazing life is.

The side mirrors of the car reminded me of all the things the past couple of years that either sneaked up on me, passed me by, or things that I let get in front of me. You check the side mirrors when you want to get over, switch lanes. You want to be sure that it is clear. Funny that "objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear" is a constant reminder s you look in your side mirrors. Guess you do have to sometimes look back to move forward & check to see if you have a clear path or lane to switch into. May not be that easy or clear buy it is always good to check.

The rear view mirror reminded me of all the things that I passed, slowed down for to get behind or went faster to pass. This next stage of my life was a big one and I could feel it. For whatever the reason was it felt different. The release and relief of things in my past that I was moving on from and the anticipation of the new things in front of me. The closer I got to my new place the lighter I felt.

Once I arrived I got my keys to my new place, went upstairs, opened the door and laid on the floor. It was a little space but for the first time in a long time it was my space without a care in the world. It was my little peace of mind that in many cases is all we really need in life. All it took was a long ride to a not so familiar place in a car and paying attention to everything in me and around me. #DatIshKray

June 16 (Part I)

2013-07-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

What Tupac said...

The Purge

2013-06-03T22:08:00.001-07:00

I am convinced that balance in this life comes from the good and bad people in your life. As much as you try to be a "good" person, do the right thing, or surround yourself with good people you soon realize that you are not immune from the bull shit. Seems like these people only exist to undermine, tear down, destroy, and just be a thorn in your ass every chance they can. Your life and tearing it down becomes the breath of fresh air they need to make it through the day.

We all know these people. They have been in your life from the begging of time. They exist in your circle of friends or you consider them a friend They are camouflaged amongst all the good and bad times that you may have had in your life. They come in and out taking different forms and types of relationships.

They feed off of your existence and use you as a shelf, ladder, or stool at times without you even knowing it. They are you girlfriends, boyfriends, homeboys, homegirls, buddies, BFF, brothers, sisters, moms, dads, etc. These people are like slugs who just wait around for the next "thing" to happen and they have life again. Can you avoid them? Can you live with or without them? Is this God's way of reminding you that everything he created was good even these people? I wish I had the answer because at times I find myself getting caught up in whose for me and whose against me and pushing those away who should matter and paying more attention to those who could careless.

I tend to think of these people as fishermen. They have plenty bait and time on their hands. They throw the bait in the water and wait. They either have nothing going on for themselves or they are patience enough to hang around until you take the bait. Once that happens they snatch the fish out of the water and decide if they are going to throw the fish back in or take it home and eat it.

I think we all have been hooked maybe at least once in our lives. Whether we have been eaten or thrown back is the question. Maybe it is for me not to understand or maybe I'm thinking to much. In the end I believe that you truly only know someone for a second and even then you still don't know them. I know one thing... I'm purging their ass!

You have to be on your P's andQ's especially when it comes to the people you add to your circle. Purge the people and things that don't belong. Hold fast and recognize those people who are in your corner to be in your corner and not to use your corner (just don't forget the one second rule). As hard as it may be you have to deal with the chaos, negativity, and drama others may bring and appreciate going through the storm that people sometimes take you through . Avoiding these people may be impossible but you can learn a lesson from them and never have to repeat that class again. So lock all your doors and windows. Cut on your security system and get your guns, knives, and bats ready. They are coming and that may be a good thing. #DatIshKray

Get Out Of The Way

2013-05-01T19:54:00.001-07:00

Have you ever been stuck in traffic? I mean it is one of the worst things in the world. Trying to get some where and nobody seems to have the same motivation or rush attitude that you have. You start looking at the person in the other car and start driving for them or yelling at them under your breath (gotta be careful these days). You even think about the excuse you are going to use when you arrive to your destination late. Seems like you find everything wrong about being stuck in traffic. MAN... one of the worst feelings ever.

These days it seems like being in traffic isn't so bad after all. Seems like the more traffic you are in the better. As we live, laugh, learn, and love it seems like what we want and desire seems to increase for different reasons that are not in our control. Family, friends, relationships, advice, people, opinions, seems like everything becomes traffic. We start to let these and other things become traffic in our lives and we get stuck. Stuck in the same place, moving one step at a time, and even stopping and being idle for no reason at all. If we keep looking at others in traffic or those who want to be in traffic how will we ever see the next exit or the detour sign? While in traffic we may realize that being in traffic and being patience could be God's way of keeping you out of arms way. I guess in the end your never stuck in traffic...you are traffic.

Lately I've been in traffic but for the good reason. In a funny way I enjoy being in traffic. It gives me time to realize the importance of leaving on time or giving myself some extra time to get to whereI'm going. It is a peace that is irreplaceable amongst all the other things and people who may be rushing through all the traffic. Next to having an orgasam seeing the break in traffic and a clear path is the best feeling in the world and that will make you slap somebody. #DatIshKray

Window Seat

2013-04-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

Have you ever paid attention to what is outside of the window? Doesn't matter if it was long drive, a plane ride, sitting at home or train ride the view out of the window is something else. You can see so much and miss so much at the same time it can be refreshing. What if we looked at our lives the same way we look out the window view from a window?

We are all so blessed to be given a life. We go on and try to live it as best we know how. From various faiths & beliefs we hold on to these things to try to bring us some clarity to our so called life. We also live through other people and their experiences which could be good or bad. We take advice from everybody and everyone who seems to have the answer or right way to live when in fact they are looking for the same thing we are. We seem to always be on this constant quest for inspiration or something to move us in one way or the other. We often need a push of some kind to help us make it through. As we go through the ups and downs of life we sometimes forget to take a moment and look outside of the window.

Looking out of the window you can see so much. You can see how great life is as well as how fast things can change. You can also see how things change and don't remain the same. While looking out the window you can see your life flash before your eyes. You can see the start of something great or the end of something beautiful. You can see something different every time or you will end up seeing the same thing every time. Regardless of what you see that window is a glimpse of a moment that may not come again. It is a breath of fresh air that moves the trees, or a mother and daughter walking their dog. It is a father washing the car, an older couple taking a walk holding hands, a funeral, a birthday, a hug, a kiss, a laugh or a cry. Whatever that moment is that you see cherish it. It is a gift that life has given you that won't be given again. It is your moment to see life through your eyes.

I guess the beauty of the window is that you can see out. You can see different things depending on where you are going. If you look closely you can even see your reflection and many times that is more important than looking out. Enjoy what you see and what you don't see. Enjoy the fact that you can see out of the window and enjoy that what you see is and was just for you. See life through your eyes, look out the window, and enjoy the view.

Round Of Applause

2013-03-02T18:08:00.002-08:00

Do you ever wonder who is going to hold your hand? Do you ever question the reason why someone is holding your hand? Do you wonder why they let your hand go so easy? Do you really know why someone holds your hand so tight? Do you ever worry about what someone would say if you reach out to hold their hand? Do you think someone would take the gesture the wrong way?

Is it just something else to do like getting a tattoo? Is it a small life changing event? Is holding someone's hand a contract or commitment or is it just you keeping a hand warm? Is holding a hand a ritual of some sort that changes from generation to generation? Is it the passion between two people displayed through a small gesture? How many times have you held a hand and knew it didn't want to be held? How many hands have you let go and wish you hadn't? Do you really know what it means to hold someone's hand? Do you even care?

You can go through so much in life and never have no one to walk with. The trials and tribulations of life plus the want to just "feel' sometimes comes with a hefty price. You may go through life without ever holding a hand or you may hold a bunch of hands and still yearn for the warmth of holding a hand, walking through life, and never letting go. Amazing how something so small can mean so much.

The Message 2013

2013-01-10T20:04:00.000-08:00

A new year has started and we all here. Some people we know and loved made it to see 2013 and others have fallen off each of our own personal wagons. As we start to make resolutions, promises we don't keep, and other things we all do at the start of a new year and as I tried to think of something to write nothing came to mind.

I've read other blogs, articles, books, and even post and everyone has an answer or suggestion for what to do this year. Everything from how to save money, love, life, and relationships. Seems like at the start of a new year we all want to start "something new" and make drastic improvements in our lives.

We all have these profounds quotes and words that are shred via e-mail and social networks. We have great ideas and plans that we start the 1st of the year. We even look at our friend and associates and see who we should keep around (well at least for this year until the next year comes around). I'm just as guilty as the next person. Every year at the end of an old one and start of a new one I say I'm going to do this and that or this person isn't really my friend, I take a look at my bank account, my personal relationships with people, with God, I mean the list goes on and on.

I have come to realize that you have to be who you are. You have to make the changes in your life and you shouldn't have to wait on a new year to make those changes. People, places, relationships, money, goals, dreams, whatever it is you have to get off ya ass and GO! You have to stop listening to people and listen to yourself. No blog (not even mine), post, book, or article, can help with fixing your life. The only person who can do that is you. You have to be pro-active and put forth some effort in changing your life.

It's been a long time coming but I know a change gone come and I promise you that is the last time I'm going to say that. I'm just going to go... not for you or them but for me. Be who you are and do what you want because in the end they only put one person in the casket.

I Use To Love H.E.R.

2012-12-02T21:54:00.000-08:00

Before I knew who she was I use to love H.E.R.

I thought that because everyone had one or was talking about one I should have H.E.R.

I thought that letting her hold my CD player would keep H.E.R.

All it did was make the other guy like H.E.R. more when she let him take mine home.

I loved H.E.R. again when she was something I wasn't use to. My same age but some older experiences made H.E.R. very special to me in a short period of time. I tried to make H.E.R. day by trying to compete with all the other older guys she had been with.

I tried to keep H.E.R. attention by walking her to class and even riding my bike to H.E.R. house just to sit on the porch. I told H.E.R. that I loved H.E.R. and then we started to make out in H.E.R. car.

A couple of weeks later while riding my bike to H.E.R. house I saw her sitting in the car with the other older more experienced guy. Guess that was H.E.R. way of saying my bike wasn't big enough for H.E.R.

Around the same time that ended I saw H.E.R. She was the the total opposite of what I've had been with before. A young, fresh, and new H.E.R. that nobody knew. I saw H.E.R. and she saw me. This time I took my time because I wanted H.E.R. to see who I really was and not what she had heard.

This was it (I thought).

Until I saw H.E.R.

Then I saw H.E.R, H.E.R, H.E.R. and H.E.R and...

The next time I saw H.E.R a lot had change. I knew a little bit more of what I wanted H.E.R. to be. I had it all mapped out. I even went to one of those cheesy spots in the mall and laid away a ring. It was all good until I met H.E.R.

We worked at the same place and it was great. Seemed like everyone knew H.E.R and I were an item. We were the talk of the town until I saw H.E.R.

I was a mess.

I had H.E.R. and wanted H.E.R. Why couldn't I have both?

Why couldn't I have been honest and loyal to H.E.R.

Don't know if it was because H.E.R. and I had a physical connection that was unparalleled or the fact the H.E.R and I stopped having sex in hopes of H.E.R. and I getting married. Me, H.E.R, and H.E.R. were all on different pages.

Even my mother told me to leave H.E.R. alone and get back with H.E.R. I should have listened but...

Then I met H.E.R.

I never knew anyone like H.E.R.

I thought I had met Eve. She took all that I had in me out and showed me how good I was and how good I could be.

Confident, beautiful, strong, outspoken, passionate, driven, beautiful smile, and on H.E.R. worst day she could make the devil smile. H.E.R. and I could do nothing and it would mean the world to us both. H.E.R. entire being encompassed my every breath. We were without trying.

Even my H.E.R. and H.E.R. husband couldn't stop what H.E.R. and I had. We were truly one. Unfortunately H.E.R. and I had to end.

Now I'm here still praying, living, and looking for H.E.R.

I've ran into H.E.R. from time to time only to lose H.E.R. again. It probably was for the best.

Maybe it was Karma reminding me of H.E.R. and how I treated H.E.R. back then.

Maybe it was H.E.R. way a letting me know that I still have somethings to work on.

Maybe it was H.E.R. and I just wasn't ready.

I think about H.E.R. everyday and moment God gives me on this earth.

I want to meet H.E.R.

I want to miss H.E.R.

I want to surprise H.E.R.

I want to hear H.E.R.

I want to listen to H.E.R.

I truly want to be ready for H.E.R.

I truly want to be with H.E.R.

I want to love H.E.R. and be in love with H.E.R.

As soon as I know who she is.

And I Wonder...

2012-10-15T23:03:00.001-07:00

Instructions: Ask yourself these questions. There is no right or wrong answer only truth.

1. Are you holding on to an old thing that is preventing you from obtaining something new?

2. Are you hopes and dreams of the future slowed down by the hopes of something in your past?

3. Can you truly really let someone or something go?

4. Ever feel like you are not where God wants you to be yet?

5. Do you question yourself and God?

6. Ever feel like some people just waste your time?

7. When was the last time you checked your friends?

8. Are the relationships that you have with people adding or subtracting from your life?

9. Was your last relationship worth it?

10. If you could go back and ______________________ would you?

11. Have you ever felt like you were just "a thing" or "something to do" for or to someone?

12. Have you ever really lived with no regrets?

13. As much as things change do you find yourself back doing the same thing over and over again?

14. Are you alive in a dead place?

15. Could you have done without meeting some people in your life?

16. If life was easy could you enjoy life?

17. If failure is not an option why do we have to be reminded?

18. When was the last time you were scared?

19. When was the last time you jumped?

20. What if you knew the next 10 years of your life?

21. Are your dreams a snapshot of the reality you want or a crazy fantasy that you need?

22. Can you have everything and nothing at all.

23. Have you ever just let go and tried not to live?

24. Does everything always have to workout?

25. Why___________________________________________?

Don't know where these questions came from but sometimes when you talk to your "other self" you wonder. The questions always seem to change as well as the answers but I guess that is life. It always seems to be something. Even at your funeral when it is all said and done it starts over again. The "it" being trying to find the answer to the question as well as starting your other life. I mean how great would it be to ask yourself a question and truly know that the answer is... THE ANSWER! Only to find out that after the answer there probably is another question.

Maybe I over think everything! Maybe I should take my own advice (really how many of us do that). How often do you ask yourself questions? Do you ever wonder or question the stuff that for years you were told not too? Are you just following a plan or map given to you from someone else that was given to them from someone else that got it from... you know what I'm saying. Is it wrong for wanting to know the answers or is it designed for us to question and keep searching? I don't know and guess what... neither do you. If we are lucky enough we are given a gift the next day to try to find the answers or ask more questions and for that we should dance!

#DatIshKray

Magic

2012-09-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been wanting to disappear. Like just fade away and never come back. As hard as I try at times to be the person I am and not worry about the ups and downs of what life brings I do. I try not to care about being what other people may say or think but I do. I loose and gain friends just to loose and gain more friends. I even meet people just to never hear from them again. Trying to not fit in the box has almost created a complex of wanting to fit in the box.

Being who you are and the person who you want to be has (in an indirect way) pushed me in a corner of not even wanting to be around others. I hate the sense of acting like you are having a good time or enjoying the company of others when in fact it makes me sick to my stomach because I know (or feel most of the time anyway) that many of the people I see on a regular only interact with me because I'm benefit to them. They are not genuine at all and when I become used and abused all they are going to do is go find someone else. I look at them some time and really just want to slap the shit out of them or really just tell them to take a long walk off a short cliff.

I feel alive in a dead place at times and often want to become the "invisible man" but still want people to see me. I put on different masks everyday just to make it through the day just to get back to the place where I feel at peace... alone in my own space. I've tried to let people in and it almost works out or I almost feel like this could work but... it seems like something always happens or it really is just me in the box that I have directly and indirectly put myself in away from everyone and everything... just for the moment. Doesn't matter if it is someone or something mentally it has become easier to just runaway.

I don't really want to feel like this I mean who would. I do think that if I don't recognize that somewhere in my life I have been broken that this going back and forth with myself will eventually have an impact on me (it already has but I'm trying to fix it) and being alone will become permanent. I do embrace who I am and all the imperfections that I have. I also know that there is some good in me, I am good for something, (and someone) and I do know that God put me here for a reason.

Today was just one of them days where I took a look at my life, where I am, where I want to go, and where I want to be through the eyes of the world I live in. Disappearing or running away would be a quick fix and I probably would be missed. Maybe that is just it... Wanting to truly hear how people really feel about you even when you say you really don't care but really do. I don't know or maybe I do. Hope you understand and I hope I understand too!

#DatIshKray

Red Tube

2012-08-19T20:59:00.000-07:00

How do you know when enough is enough? Is the safety word really safe? Are we just programmed to think and feel that we have to live up to some supernatural expectations in all that we do? I don't know
what it is but after a few views of RedTube I began to wonder.

Before you go thinking crazy (yes it has bee a while but that is not my point) think for a second what is created in a porno. A fantasy created with an almost perfect world. A bunch of hot steamy sex filled with everything from moans and groans, erotic positions, people, length of time (come on you know you think about going as long as your favorite porn star or it may just be me) and even toys! Directly and indirectly I think we all think about it.

I may have watched to much but I began to look at the attention to detail that the actors and actresses pay to each other. They pay attention to everything that happens in the "flick". For a moment I thought about it and wanted that same attention that is given and received in the porno. It seemed like from one position to the next everything was important. From the moans and groans to every hand movement and gyration things seemed calculated and precise.

Even though it was scripted for the sake of the film it really made me think...

Ok after I finished watching a couple I began to think... Does everyone want to be a porn star?

In life I believe you must find some connection with all that you do. Doesn't matter if it is your job or with someone in a relationship you have to find a connection. You have to find something that will keep you going. You have to find someone that will keep you going. You have to find that one thing that besides breathing you can't live without.

There may be some exceptions (Like if you were in the latest Debbie does Dallas porno) but in the end there has to be a difference in doing something, something to do, and wanting to do something because everyone is doing it. You can't get caught up in just doing something and not having any connection. You will only waste your time and your performance probably won't be as great as Mason Moore or Mr. Marcus.

Being in a relationship, on the job, sex, and even just living you have to be connected. The challenge is that the things you do may stay the same but your connections will almost be different every time. You can get married but the connection with your wife/husband could be different. You can get a new job and the people you work with will have a different connection. A porn star can have a bunch of sex everyday with different people and their connection will almost always be different.

When you find that connection it will be a time like no other. That connection will be so unique that the disappointments will be embraced. The relationship you will have with your "connection" will have no boundaries. It will be free and one that the both of you can't wait to replay over and over again. I believe your connection spiritually and mentally will be tremendously better as well. I believe the connection that you have is directly connected with the passion that you have for what you do or who you are with. Even the home movies you made and tried to sell will be a sight to see or you'll make a bunch of money and be famous.

Whatever your connection is find a connection, stay connected, be true to who you are, hold on and don't let go. Have no regrets and do what feels good. If you do all of that and find someone who it is always good with make a movie everyday for the rest of your life.

#DatIshKray

The Truman Show

2012-07-24T21:17:00.000-07:00

Every felt like you were just living on a TV show? I mean like really just felt like you were playing a role or character on one of those reality television shows (don't know if that is a good thing these days) and it is a marathon showing? I'm sure if you could star and direct the show you wouldn't mind but how much fun would that be?

Imagine for a second if you had theme music when you woke up, an audience to laugh and cry, cameras every where you go, and even a co star... Wait don't we have that already?

I do think sometime that we just live and don't enjoy life. Not all the time but sometimes you get that flat line feeling... The feeling of nothing.

You almost feel like your role on the show is less important and just being on the show is good enough. You feel like no matter what you do you are always on camera. Always being watched and judged. Always having to be a certain way in this scene and that scene. Always putting on a show and never cutting the cameras off.

What if for one day you turned the cameras off? What if for one day you did the opposite of what people expected? What if you woke up and enjoyed your job or really told someone how you really felt? What if all the tweets, and wall posts didn't matter? What if what happened yesterday stayed in yesterday? What if when you cut the cameras off and looked in the mirror you saw who you really were and not the role you play everyday?

We all fall short and at times get caught up in "the world" hell we are human. The wonderful think about life is that once you realize you are really on a TV or reality show and see the cameras you can stop acting and start living. A hard a difficult thing to do but a relief and realization that can't be replaced. I hope you understand... I hope I do too.

WTH, SMH, FML, & FU

2012-07-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not blaming myself anymore! I'm not the issue! I'm not the reason why I am alone or unhappy. I'm not going to point fingers at myself! I'm not going to be a second option for someone when I'm good enough to be the option. I'm not going to be the person people expect me to be anymore! I'm no longer going to try to mend broken hearts! I'm not going to hang myself out to dry! I'm not going to let my circumstance impact my success!

I'm sick and tired of being a secret to people! I'm tired of knowing I deserve better! I'm tired of hoping people will understand me. I'm tired of always explaining! I'm tired of being just a thought to someone when I deserve to be a breath. I'm tired of being empty! I'm tired of people talking and not doing! I'm tired of people being tired when they really haven't done any work! I'm tired of people questioning the person I have become!

I won't let you steal my joy anymore! I won't let you get in my head and control my thoughts! I won't let the devil win! I won't let you destroy the person I became to be! I won't let you block my blessing! I won't be the person your comfortable with! I won't cry because of you! I won't let your life become my life. I won't let you kill my spirit! I won't continue to be alive in a dead place. I won't waste time wasting it with you!

I will continue to pray! I will be the person that God has destined me to be! I will take one step so God can take two! I will continue to love hard! I will make mistakes! I will forgive! I will cry! I will find Eve! I will live and enjoy the gift of life God has given me! I will believe that God is faithful! I will do what others say can't be done! I will get hurt! I will heal! I will continue to be a great example for my seed! I will continue to feel! I will be passionate! I will continue to try! I will feel! I will be free! I will TTYL8r! I hope you understand. #DatIshKray

The Promise

2012-06-20T19:41:00.001-07:00

In life we have a couple of things that are guaranteed. One thing that is for certain is death. No matter what you do in life you have to come to the realization that you were brought here for a purpose and when it is your time it is just that... your time. If it was in our control I think we would stretch it (it meaning our lives) out as long as we could. We love living but sometimes forget to live and forget that us being here on earth is a gift from God.

Living is a gift and giving birth is a miracle. I think that is the real reason why women (and some men) cry during the birth of a child. I think in some way those tears are an indirect reflection of the gift and the curse that we have when we are alive on this earth. We rejoice in the birth of a newborn and look forward to the challenges of being a mother and a father. Our parental instincts kick in and we become consumed with this new life. We try to make sure that we raise our children up in a way so they won't have the same struggles o obstacles we as parents had. We rejoice!

Dying is a blessing. To know that someone who lived a life now has no more worries or pains is truly a blessing. Many times we often say that people are in a better place but really don't mean it.What we really are saying deep down on the inside is "I know my time is coming but thank God my time is not now" and that is the moment when we realize how precious life is. For whatever reason many people tend to get sad or weary at the mention of death. I wonder what those who have been judged and seen the creator would say they thought when they took their last breath. I wonder if they wished they could of had one more breath or if they realized that being alive is a miracle and death was the beautiful gift that the creator promised us all.

No matter how you look at it enjoy this life and know that this is temporary. We are only here for a little while. You will die. Some people are alive but mentally, physically, and spiritually dead and that can be worse in some cases. Think about being alive in a dead place........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... I thought the same thing. I pray that my life here is nothing like my life after life. Staying alive and living is a full time job. We can easily get consumed with the way the "world" says we should live our life. We can get attached to things, places, and even people who will eventually wither and die away. We can also cherish the day for tomorrow is never promised. We can live in the moment sometimes and feel good about right now. We can take a deep breath (the first or last one) and enjoy the gift of life and look forward to the blessing of the next one.

Holla At Ya Boy...

2012-05-28T10:36:00.002-07:00

Dear Homeboy,

Just want to holla at ya for a second to tell ya thanks. I'm sure you already know what I am going to say but sometimes you just got to get it out.

Thanks for your son. He truly is a reflection of you. He has no opinion and is always positive. He never judges and is always east to talk to just like you. He is the perfect example of what being perfect is. You two really make a good team. I don't know how I would have made it this far without the sacrifices each of you have made. I am forever grateful.

Thanks for this wonderful life and opportunity you have given me. Everyday is not promised and each day I have on earth I am so grateful. With all that happens in this world and this life I hold on to your word and look forward to life after death. You keep a brother on his toes with all the ups and downs but I feel ya though. Gotta keep me honest and strong on ya word because it is easy to get distracted. It is easy to lean on what ya friends, homeboyz, homegirls, and everybody else try to feed ya. They will tell ya everything you want to hear and not the truth. The biggest lesson I've learned is that people will fail ya. They will use you for a period of time then throw ya back to the wolves. Good looking out and always being there for ya boy.

You really know how to have a good time and over the past couple of years my life has been filled with many good times. Living this life or "YOLO" as everyone says these days is amazing. It can get out of hand sometimes and I know that as soon as something goes wrong "Lord help me" comes out of my mouth or "I promise I won't do it again" but please know I'm coming from a genuine place. We all fall short and I'm no different. I know it is by your grace that I am saved and I pray that you bear with ya boy as I continue to walk with ya word, fight the principalities of this word, and strive to get a better relationship with you.

Thanks for cleaning out my closet and preparing me for something greater. I can be so attached to things of this world that if it wasn't for you and ya cleaning service I probably would still have a room full of mess. People, places, and things that have no purpose or add anything to my life have been removed directly or indirectly and for that I say thanks and what a relief. The only problem is waiting for what is next. Is it someone or something that is coming that is going to blow my mind or is it your way of reminding me to be faithful and hold on to your perfect word? Whatever it is I'll be waiting.

I could say more and it I still wouldn't be able to thank you enough for all you have done and are planning on doing. I hope I'm not rambling or anything like that but I know you know my heart. As usual thanks for being my homeboy... There is none like you!

The Three Amigos

2012-05-08T19:30:00.001-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that in this life you don't have friends. I believe that the word "friend" has become an over used word with unreachable expectations. Many times we refer to people as "our friend" and really don't know what a true friend is ourselves. Over the past couple of weeks I have tried to put my mind around what is a friend and who really are my friends. In the end I believe that you will only have a few that will stick closer to you than any brother.

I believe that there are three type of people who you will encounter in this life. I probably am complicating things (Over the weekend I found out that I do that) but I believe that through experience you begin to develop your own interpretation of things and understanding your friend is no different then living.

There are people who want to know you. These people could really care less if you live or die. They really don;t see any good or bad in you. What they see in you is the moment. "What ever you bring to the party" people are what I like to call them. Have you ever went to a house party and didn't know anyone but the one person who invited you? It feels like a movie or something. You walk in, get introduced, and then wait to see who is going to say something to you or who you are going to say something to. It becomes a game of some sort... just for the moment. After the moment is gone so are they. Never to be seen or heard from again unless another party comes up and they remember that you are good for a round or two of Patron shots.

People who know you are a little different. This relationship/friendship has a little bit of emotions put on it. These people care about you. They marvel in your success and comfort you in the time of need. This is tricky because a lot of times these people feel like they know you enough that you owe them something. Over time these people feel obligated to be around you with you more often then not. The "we cool or just hanging" especially with women becomes a confusing conversation because it tends to end up that somebody wants more. They want to be in a different places regardless of if you want to be or not. People who know you may know you a little bit to close for comfort and use those things to get an advantage on particular situations. They get to know you well enough to use you for what you bring to the party but then care enough to scratch your back so your can scratch theirs.

Last but not least is a friend. A friend is a brother/sister from another mother/father. These are people who unconditionally have no conditions or expectations of you. A "REAL" friend will take the good and bad that you have. You can argue with a friend and then buy them a steak afterwards. A "REAL" friend will tell you the truth not what you want to hear. A friend can hurt your feelings and you know why. As a man or women it doesn't matter how you categorize people what matters most is that you know who and what people are and know their true intent.

So in the end I guess you have to know who you are before you can really call someone your friend. They say a dog is a man's best friend. So I guess we all should go by dogs... or should we just buy a good blanket, a bible, a blow up doll, or a goat? #DatIshKray

Forrest Gump

2012-04-21T10:44:00.000-07:00

Running is what many of us do to stay in shape. Some may argue that it is the best full body exercise ever created. No gym membership necessary, no funny color shoes, and no $600 bill for a personal trainer... You just set a goal get up and run.

We all run if you really think about it. In our life we all run for a specific reason. Death, relationships, people or situations in our life we often take off and run for our own reasons. Some may say that running is a bad thing. They would say that you shouldn't run because when you get back whatever the issue was or is will still be there. Kind of like having one to many drinks after getting laid off. You wake up the next morning not only with a headache but still laid off!

Lately I've been wanting to run. Like run and get lost somewhere where nobody knows me. Run until my legs feel like jello. Lately I've been giving so much of myself to others that I almost feel smothered. Lately I have had more fun being by myself then being with others. I do a god job putting on a mask but deep down I just want to run. Get missing... Just for a little while. Run away from all the people, places, and things (good or bad) just for a little while. I would come back... I think.

Life is so crazy!!! We have so many ups and downs it is almost depressing. I guess that is Gods way of keeping us honest and keeping balance is this perfect thing he created called life. I guess running like Forrest would be a good idea. After all at the end didn't he eventually get tired and wanted to go back home?

Running a full body exercise that can be physically and mentally refreshing. It strengthens the mind, body, and soul and sometimes it just feels damn good to run away. #DatIshKray

Dear Dee,

2012-03-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

Funny how life, living, and loving someone never seem to have the same conversation. They always seem to be on different pages. The following will be an open letter about someone that I love, will always love and someone that I love enough to know that I can't love anymore...

I love you without thinking and by now I think you know that. In the depths of my soul and spirit I know that you are the rib that God took from Adam and made Eve. I know that loving you is as easy as breathing... you are truly my air. I love you with every breath Gods gives me a chance to live on this earth. I will love you in this life and the next and that will never change.

God did something drastic when he created you for me. He is always perfect in everything he does and this love is no exception. Loving you the way I do is drastic in the sense that it is hard to find someone that loves me the same way you do. The more I think about what was and could of been my heart sheds a tear. I cries out for the only thing that keeps it beating and that is you.For the rest of my life I have to convince myself of two holy truths. The first is that loving you, learning how to love you, and loving you the way I do is Godly. I truly believe that what we have will never be duplicated.

The journey you and I have been on since God made time and air. We often go down this road of wanting each other and not being together. It has ditches, potholes, and a number of obstacles that are foreseen and others not seen at all. Many times it seems like you keep looking at the scenery and never enjoying the destination. Over time traveling down this road becomes a daunting task because it never seems like there is an exit. It is a road less traveled and filled with hopes of something drastic happening.

Now, at the dead end of the road what to do? How can you love someone else when your heart belongs to someone? How can you be honest about how you feel when all the feelings that God wants us to feel came from someone? How can you be equally yoked with someone else when your entire being revolves around a prayer and a women named Dee?

This life, living, and learning what love feels like since the day you came in my life has never been the same. I have learned that God does everything for a reason... I'm still trying to put my hands around this reason. I love you more then life itself. You moved me, complete me, and will always have apart of me. No more going back and forth, no more I wish conversations, and no more. I love you enough and love myself even more to know what has to be.

When God calls me I will look back and say that I knew who my Eve was. She taught me how to feel, be, and made me a better man. I will tell God thank you for his precious gift and the miracle of love. I will jump for joy that in my misunderstanding that I understand that sometimes you have to love someone enough to let go.

I love you Dee unconditionally without conditions and I always will in this life & the next.

A Bad Sandwich

2012-03-13T00:28:00.000-07:00

"As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he"

Keeping a positive mind and taking on all of the challenges that comes with life is a difficult one that alone (mentally) you can really sink. We often sometime lean on the world and not the word and forget where our help comes from.

We are human and I think that every now and then we go back and forth with the trials and tribulations that we experience directly and indirectly. Whether it is on our job, people we meet, or even what shoes to buy we tend to cloud our minds with a bunch of stuff at times that really hinder who and what God has for us and wants us to be.

If the bible is our recipe book then we have all the ingredients to make a good sandwich. From the pickles to the type of lettuce to use we should never make a bad sandwich. On the other hand, how can we make a good sandwich if we never made a bad one? Was there ever a time when you had all the ingredients to make the perfect sandwich or you always had to looking the fridge to see what you had?

I don't know about you but it seems like I never have all the ingredients. I either have bread but no meat or meat with no bread. I can go and buy what I need and make the sandwich or even make sure every time I go shopping & have the ingredients on the grocery list but really... Making a good sandwich takes time and many of us (I may just be talking about me) don't plan or shop to make a sandwich. We would rather take the easy way out and go and order a #1-10 of that pink slime & a coke.

I guess my point is that in order to have a clear mind free from all the mess that we deal with in this life is that we have to have faith and patience. We have to keep believing that it is going to get better, be OK, and work out in the end. We have to keep telling ourselves over and over again that in due time it will be your time. Don't get impatient when in takes to long (Drake voice).

If we take time and follow the instructions in the recipe book we would always be ready to make a good sandwich... regardless of what is in or not in the fridge. Now if only I could take my own advice I can stop making these damn chicken hot dogs.

Willy Wonka

2012-02-25T18:14:00.000-08:00

Trying to figure out what you want in a world filled with options is a difficult task. You can pray and keep praying until ya knees turn blue and still may never be satisfied. You can read books, take advice from your friends, or even go sit on that long couch and after all that you may still end up with nothing. Is it just me or does it feel like sometimes the more you try to understand people and the relationship you want your ideas and way of thinking evolves more often then you would like? I'm a stick to my guns person but lately I've been missing the target or shooting blanks

I mean you try to understand someone for who they are, you let go a little because why not take the risk, and in the end you end up back where you started. You loose an opportunity, loose time that you can't get back, and in many cases give of yourself (the risk I was talking about) only to loose to Facebook,Twitter, or someone who was interested in the idea of being in a relationship and not the work. I have my issues like anyone else but I think for the most part if I go to the candy store I know what I want. I don't have to guess and neither does the person at the register. I may look around but in the end it will always be a candy bar in my bag... The one I knew I wanted from the moment I walked in the store.

Do we all just keep holding on to that little bit of hope that one day someone will stop tweeting, updating their status, putting their entire life on the Internet and take some time to live it? Do we all feel that one day after all the good and bad advice that we have gotten that it we just fall together. After all the books, seminars, and sermons (I said it) that our Adam or Eve will walk into our lives. I don't know but I do know that God is faithful and sometimes you have to mess up in order to clean up.

Every child knows one thing when they walk through a candy store... they want candy. As you get older I guess the real issue is what do you really have a taste for? I do have a sweet tooth but lately I would rather squeeze milk from a cow then walk through a candy store.

Men Lie, Women Lie, Numbers Don't

2012-02-15T09:19:00.002-08:00

I wasn't the best in math but lately I've been doing some math... mostly dealing with percentages. I know converting them to decimals is somewhat easy but... Well let me just give you some examples and hopefully you can understand.

If you only give 50% and the other person gives 100% how is that equal?

A 50/50 relationship does not always = 100.

You can give 100% and your return can be -0.

Not everybody adds like 100 + 100 = 1

Some people think that saying 100 & doing 0 = 100

I think most people do & say 100 & expect + 100 = 200 but in many cases it = 0

People are so transparent (really sick of that word) but not real with themselves that people settle for
25 +100 = 50 instead of 100 + 100 = 1 (Transparent people in many cases end up in the - depending on who they try to + with)

If efforts = a*2 and honesty = b*2 and c*2 is the start of something why does c*2 always (more often then not) - or 0? The question I would ask some people.

Some people just will always = 0 no matter how much you try to +. Regardless of you being transparent (last time saying that word), being honest, true to yourself, other people's situations, and your own feelings some people will always = > what you expected. As much as we want two people to = ∞ sometimes you have to - people and stop trying to solve the equations & remain +. God is always + & - people, places, and things out of our lives. Remain + and pay attention to those who actions > what they say.

We have to realize that "even the sun goes down heroes eventually die horoscopes often lie and sometimes "why" nothin' is for sure, nothin' is for certain, nothin' last forever but until they close them curtains"

You get the point... I hope you do anyways.

Masturbation

2012-01-31T19:31:00.000-08:00

Playing with yourself can really be painful. I mean going back and forth or a "tennis match" with yourself can really drive you crazy. Think for a second the last time you just did something outside of the box. I mean REALLY outside of the box. Did you put or your morals and perfect views to the side just for that moment or did you realize that you just wanted to feel a certain way and screw all the righteous stuff? Whatever choice or decision you made guess what... YOU DID IT.

In a perfect world we all do the right thing all the time. Our morals, the way we were raised, and views on life are what usually defines us. It becomes our mantra or who we would like to be. Many times life comes along and makes that perfect world not so perfect and we have to do the unthinkable... live.

We have instructions on what we should and should not do in order to get back to that perfect place. The creator gives us instructions as how to live a righteous and faithful life. If followed we are promised a home that is perfect. Regardless of what we have done we have free will and a choice... In other words we have an obligation to live.

Nobody is perfect. It may take us sometime to get an understanding...YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING and not the one that somebody else will be telling you if you don't do this or that you will be going to hell. Make sure you understand and love who you are and who you were created to be. Enjoy yourself as much as you can. Don't get confined in a box or live through a peep hole. I'm not saying be a "Shone" or "FameWhore" but I am saying masturbate with your life but be safe and don't overexert yourself... Enjoy it as much as you can before you go blind.

P.S. If I have a bunch of mistake forgive me my vision is getting very blurry these days... #DatIshKray

A risk worth taking

2012-01-16T12:24:00.000-08:00

Well, the year is going. It has started off as usual. Making resolutions that are often broken in a few days, getting your teeth cleaned, joining a gym, and making plans for the future. With all the sayings, doings, books and articles out their right after the new year starts is it funny or just me that we can so easily slip back into are old self?

Think for a moment about the word change . When we think about making a change are body and mind seems to automatically reject it. We go through a process of almost forcing ourselves to do something that we think, heard, or read is supposed to be good for us or to us. In many cases it is a risk worth taking.

I feel like I'm a risk worth taking and often tell myself that in the mirror (if I talk to myself in public some people may say I'm crazy) to remind me the way I am is a risk and all the changes I have made in my life good or bad were risk worth taking. I just recently did something that in my entire life I never did or would have thought of doing. The jury is still out but for the first time in a long time and in 20102 I felt good... really good. Don't know what the reward could or is going to be but hell... The year is just getting started. Now ain't that ish kray!!!