Today Jacob Said The Blog

2012-02-02T16:19:00.000-08:00

"Me and Matt are gonna to make a blog. What's it about? Cool stuff. Guns, fireworks, monkeys with balloons. Just rad stuff like that."

2012-02-01T14:41:00.001-08:00

“You know what was a good show? Wacky Races. Remember that show?”

2012-02-01T14:40:00.001-08:00

“You have to understand I was raised by TV.”

2012-02-01T14:38:00.001-08:00

“You smell good. What is that, Lionel Richies’ Scent of Men?”

2012-02-01T14:37:00.001-08:00

“You can put your head in a ‘Puddle of Mudd’ and it would sound better.”

2012-02-01T12:00:00.001-08:00

“I’m gonna buy a boat. Will you be my first mate?” [Joey: “Sure.”] “Great! Now I just need a cook, a sniper, and a guy who can play music.”

2012-02-01T11:59:00.001-08:00

“I just wanna let you guys know I have been farting. Probably shouldn’t have ate those four fiber bars and a block of cheese.”

2012-01-31T18:57:00.001-08:00

Jake: “Know who it is?” Chris: “Yeah, but he looks sad.” Jake: “Of course he’s sad. He’s Two Face. His life sucks.”

2012-01-31T17:27:00.001-08:00

“Hey Joey, if me and you are Starsky & Hutch, can I be Starsky?” [Joey: “Sure.”] “Cool. He gets all the ladies.”

2012-01-31T17:26:00.005-08:00

“Look it up! Albert Einstein proved it! You’ve been scienced!”

2012-01-31T17:26:00.003-08:00

“I hate baby koala bears. What’d they ever do for me? Do they buy me lotto tickets? Heck no.”

2012-01-31T17:26:00.001-08:00

You don’t know who Phil Collins is? Jake: “That’s like asking me to name all the Beatles. I don’t even know Baranka.” [He meant Ringo.]

2012-01-31T17:25:00.001-08:00

Introducing himself to our new CIO: “Hi, I’m Jake and I’m the young gun. . . . I like to really get in there and get my hands wet"....................Upon finally fixing an uncooperative PC: “See, I told you. You just have to grab your crotch in front of it—show it who’s the alpha male.”

2012-01-31T17:24:00.005-08:00

“I do like talking to my nipples about my secrets.” {Looking down his shirt.} “Shh, don’t tell anyone about it. I like Jessica Alba.”

2012-01-31T17:24:00.003-08:00

“You hear that, nipple? We’re going places.”

2012-01-31T17:24:00.001-08:00

“I’m good with babies. I like to steal them from the hospital and practice.”

2012-01-31T17:23:00.005-08:00

“If you throw a penny from the Eiffel tower it’ll split a man in half, so they say. It’ll go right through you, like my All-Bran cereal.”

2012-01-31T17:23:00.003-08:00

“‘Cowabunga!’—that’s ‘goodbye’ in Japanese.”

2012-01-31T17:23:00.001-08:00

“Caesar had special rooms made where people could puke so they could feast more. You’ve just been historied!”

2012-01-31T17:22:00.003-08:00

“Oh look at this cute kid! You know when he’s older he’s going to dethrone you and kill you, like all baby sons do.”

2012-01-31T17:22:00.001-08:00

“What’s the deal with women? Why don’t they wash my car? When did the first car get washed? Was it 1974 when the Germans invaded Norway?”

2012-01-31T16:51:00.005-08:00

“This is a Russian salon.” Oh, does that mean there’s a happy ending? “Yes, and a Russian happy ending is you alone in a room with a bear.”

2012-01-31T16:51:00.003-08:00

“Can I quit my job and be your dog? I’ll sleep on the edge of your bed and all you’d have to do is feed me, walk me, and clean up my poop.”

2012-01-31T16:51:00.001-08:00

“I feel like I’m a cool John Denver guy because I’m wearing my cool mocassins. Are you jealous? I can run full speed in them.”

2012-01-31T16:50:00.003-08:00

What's your take on diaper changes? “Get rid of ’em. Let the kid poo in the street. Give him buttless crotchless chaps.”