Jokes,Forwarded mails,Funny forwarded emails,Cool forwarded mails

TO KILL A LION COMPANIES FOLLOWS METHOD

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 19:10:00 +0000

TO KILL A LION COMPANIES FOLLOWS METHOD

Satyam Method:
Hire a lion...
Place him in "QRU"(Bench) for 1 year
Tell him to change his technology from ASP.NET to JAVA or Powerbuilder
Lion dies in confusion he is Cat or lion...

Cognizant Method:
hire a lion... ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.
give him gobi 65 to eat again and again.
hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit
give them same gobi 65 to eat
hire 200 more...and more ...

TCS method:
hire a lion
give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary
lion dies of hunger and frustration

IBM's method:
hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour...
he dies of unemployment...

Syntel Method:-
Hire a Cat...
assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and
make sure that he never reaches onsite.
Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion...

MBT method:
hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 60% he will lose the job.
lion dies of the strain

i-Flex method:
hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari
for implementing flexcube in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes
alive he will get band movement (promotion)
holy cow dies in fear of the real lion

HCL Method:
hire a lion .
tell him to merge with Goats (Polaris) and reduce his allowance...
lion dies from fear that tomorrow he might become a goat....

Polaris Method :
hire . ..sorry...purchase a lion( HCL ) ...
change his timings...(instead of 9 AM...change it to 8:30 AM )
cut down his allowance (coupons etc)
lion dies from fear of becoming CAT...

Patni method:
hire a lion; give him a salary of a cat...
the lion dies before joining...

Accenture Method:
Hire a lion....
Send him to chennai
Ask him to stay on bench for a long time
Ask him to eat idly,Dosa and Vada
No hindi, kan n a d a or no other languages speaking ppl other than TAMIL...
No good food, No water..and specially No Beautiful girls
And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger".
Lion dies in confusion he is Tiger or lion...

HUAWEI Method:
Hire a Cat; give him a salary of a Lion...
Give him work of 3 Lions
Tell him to work late and even on weekends...
No time for food and family, automatically die

INFOSYS METHOD:
HIRE A LION ï¿½ ...
SEND HIM FOR TRAINING IN MYSORE AND MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE
...................................................KING OF THE JUNGLE! J
MAKE HIM TAKE GENERIC COMPREE EXAM
............... LION TURNS INTO CAT
MAKE HIM TAKE STREAM COMPREE EXAM
ï¿½ ........................................... ï¿½ .CAT TURNS INTO A MOUSE
SEND HIM INTO PRODUCTION WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WID HE LEARNED IN TRNG
................................. MOUSE RUNS HERE AND THERE FOR HELP!!!
SEND HIM MAILS TELLING ABOUT MANDATORY CERTIFICATIONS
................................................MOUSE COMMITS SUICIDE

THE LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST

Wipro Method:
Hire a Lion,
Give him a mail Id.
He will die receiving stupid mails all day...!!!

Historic letter to Railways

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 08:50:00 +0000

It is little known that one Okhil Chandra Sen wrote this historic letter to the Sahibganj Divisional Railway Office in 1909. It is on display at the Railway Museum in New Delhi . It was also reproduced under the caption "Travelers' Tales" in the Far Eastern Economic Review.

Okhil Babu's letter to the Railway Department was as follows:-

"I am arrive by passenger train Ahmedpur station and my belly is too much swelling with jack fruit. I am therefore went to privy. Just I doing the nuisance that guard making whistle blow for train to go off and I am running with my lotah in one hand and dhoti in the other hand, next when I am fall over and expose all my shockings to man and female women on plateform. It is too much shame shame for me. Then I got leaved at Ahmedpur station. This too much bad, if passenger go to make dung that stupid dam guard not wait train five minutes for him. I am therefore pray your honour to make big fine on that guard for public sake. Otherwise I am making big report to papers......."

Any guesses why this letter is of historic value?

It apparently led to the introduction of Toilets on Indian trains.

Saving is Sin and Spending is Virtue

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 22:32:00 +0000

Japanese save a lot. They do not spend much. Also Japan exports far more than it imports. Has an annual trade surplus of over 100 billion. Yet Japanese economy is considered weak, even collapsing.

Americans spend, save little. Also US imports more than it exports. Has an annual trade deficit of over $400 billion. Yet, the American economy is considered strong and trusted to get stronger.

But Where From do Americans Get Money to Spend?

They borrow from Japan, China and even India. Virtually others save for the US to spend. Global savings are mostly invested in US, in dollars.

India itself keeps its foreign currency assets of over $50 billions in US securities. China has sunk over $160 billion in US securities. Japan's stakes in US securities is in trillions.

Result:

The US has taken over $5 trillion from the world. So, as the world saves for the US, Americans spend freely. Today, to keep the US consumption going, that is for the US economy to work, other countries have to remit $180 billion every quarter, which is $2 billion a day, to the US!

A Chinese economist asked a neat question. Who has invested more, US in China, or China in US? The US has invested in China less than half of what china has invested in US.

The same is the case with India. We have invested in US over $50 billion. But the US has invested less than $20 billion in India.

Why the World is After US?

The secret lies in the American spending, that they hardly save. In fact they use their credit cards to spend their future income. That the US spends is what makes it attractive to export to the US. So US imports more than what it exports year after year.

The Result:

The world is dependent on US consumption for its growth. By its deepening culture of consumption, the US has habituated the world to feed on US consumption. But as the US needs money to finance its consumption, the world provides the money.

It's like a shopkeeper providing the money to a customer so that the customer keeps buying from the shop. If the customer will not buy, the shop won't have business, unless the shopkeeper funds him. The US is like the lucky customer. And the world is like the helpless shopkeeper financier.

Who is America's biggest shopkeeper financier? Japan of course. Yet it's Japan which is regarded as weak. Modern economists complain that Japanese do not spend, so they do not grow. To force the Japanese to spend, the Japanese government exerted itself, reduced the savings rates, even charged the savers.

Even then the Japanese did not spend (habits don't change, even with taxes, do they?).. Their traditional postal savings alone is over $1.2 trillions, about three times the Indian GDP. Thus, savings, far from being the strength of Japan, has become its pain.

Hence, What is The Lesson?

That is, a nation cannot grow unless the people spend, not save. Not just spend, but borrow and spend.

Dr. Jagdish Bhagwati, the famous Indian-born economist in the US, told Manmohan Singh that Indians wastefully save.. Ask them to spend, on imported cars and, seriously, even on cosmetics! This will put India on a growth curve. This is one of the reason for MNC's coming down to India, seeing the consumer spending.

'Saving is Sin, and Spending is Virtue.'

But before you follow this neo economics, get some fools to save so that you can borrow from them and spend!!!

Peg after Peg Hilarious Read on

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Tue, 25 May 2010 09:03:00 +0000

Hi all,

I bet no one can beat this...
One of the most hilarious mails... J

I never take risk while drinking.
.
.
.
When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking

I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen

I stealthily enter the house

Take out the bottle from my black cupboard

Gandhiji is looking at me from the photo frame

But still no one is aware of it

Becoz I never take a risk
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink

Quickly enjoy one peg

Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack

Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard

Gandhijiis giving a smile

.
.
.
.
.

I peep into the kitchen

Wife is cutting potatoes

No one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk
.
.
.
.
.
I to my wife : Any news on chopra's daughter's marriage

Wife : Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking
out for her .
.
.
.
.
.
I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard

But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle

I take out the glass from the old rack above sink

Quickly enjoy one peg
.
.
.
.
.

Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink

Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk
.
.
.
.
.

I to Wife : But still I think chopra's daughter's age is not that much

Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse

I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...
.
.
.
.
.
.

I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard

But the cupboard's place has automatically changed

I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the
sink .
.
.
.
.
.
Gandhiji laughs loudly

I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash photo & keep it
in the black cupboard .
.
.
.
.
.

Wife is keeping the sink on the stove

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk
.
.
.
.
.
I to Wife: (getting angry) you call Mr. chopra a horse? If you say that

again, I willcut your tongue...!

Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...
.
.
.
.
.
.
I take out the bottle from the potatoes

Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg

Wash the sink and keep it over the rack

Wife is giving a smile
.
.
.
.
.
Gandhiji is still cooking

But still no one is aware of what I did

Becoz I never take a risk
.
.
.
.
.
.
I to Wife : (laughing) So chopra is marrying a horse!!

Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...
.
.
.
.
.
.
I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack

Stove is also on the rack

There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside .
.
.
.
.
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink

But none of the horses are aware of what I did

Becoz Gandhiji never takes a risk .
.
.
.
.
.
Chopra is still cooking

And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing

BecozI never take...... never take ..... never take what??? I
never
take a potato I think...

Khudos..! Drinkers..!

Wine is Bottled POETRY..

I am a Father

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Tue, 25 May 2010 09:02:00 +0000

HA!! Father's beware of such sons.....

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. "

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.. "

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Profitable Betting

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Thu, 20 May 2010 09:17:00 +0000

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day. Carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a

savings account because, "It´s a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president´s office (the customer is always right)!

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.

She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came
by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma´am, I´m surprised you´re carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I´ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That´s a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, I´ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there
is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president´s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and
repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president´s balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all
see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot
of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the hell´s the matter with your lawyer?"

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I´d have The Bank of Canada´s president´s balls in my hand."

Mushkil Hai Apna Mel Priye

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Thu, 20 May 2010 09:12:00 +0000

Little Johnny Again

noreply@blogger.com (Team Fusion) — Thu, 06 May 2010 12:16:00 +0000

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials; So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette". The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

Love story

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Thu, 06 May 2010 10:51:00 +0000

Friend: Happy birthday!

She : Haan...tha......nk yo....u...was just getting up from the bed.

Friend : Oh! That means I am the first to wish you!

She : Naa! He has already wished me at 12 in the night.

Friend : Who???

She : Come on, who else, Nitin.

Friend : Oh, ok. So, what's the plan for today?

She : Nitin told me that he has a surprise gift for me for my Birthday. And also we are going to Flower Show today. I am excited! I have never seen the flower show that happens in Lal Baug. Actually that itself is the most wonderful gift for me.

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Friend : "Did you go to Palace grounds all the way from Basavanagudi, to see Bryan Adam's show!!! Who accompanied you?"

She : Nitin

Friend : By the way, who referred your CV in SoCrates? I mean you don't know anyone there, right?

She : No, he forwarded my CV to one of his friends there.

Friend : I heard that the HR round interview went on till 8pm in the night. I think you faced difficulty in returning to your room.

She : No, he had come to pick me up. He came from his office, dropped me to my room and he returned to his room at around 11pm. He didn't have dinner also. I asked him to have at my room. Poor Nitin.

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Friend : If you are supposed to go home tomorrow itself then what about reservation?

She : I have told him, he will go to Majestic and would get it done, and he told he has some work in Majestic. That's why I am relaxed a bit.

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Friend : How was your written test in Philips?

She : I failed yaar. The day before the test I had prepared perfectly. Nitin had come to our room. He taught me the basics of embedded programming concepts. I was very confident only because of him. But something else was in store for me.

Friend : Then, what did you do on Sunday?

She : We had gone to see "Lakshya". He doesn't see Hindi movies. But as I was upset after failing in the Philips written test, he took me for movie. I was very happy and surprised that he himself decided for a Hindi movie, and he was very happy that I enjoyed the movie. And you know; we had dinner in Pizza hut. It was his belated B'day treat!

Friend : And, what was your belated gift ;-)

She : Gift!! I had given the gift on his B'day itself. I was the first to call him at 12 in the night, he was busy throughout the day, and somehow we could meet in the evening and I gifted him with a cute time piece with a nice quote on it. He doesn't have time sense, so my time piece must always remind him of this. That day he didn't give me any treat as he had to go back to office. Yesterday I had a fight over this, you know! Poor kid.

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Friend : Hello...what about our sari shopping program in Malleshwaram?

She : Listen, I will call you later.

Friend : You didn't call me back in the morning, so I called now.

She : Yeah, when you called I was in Koramangala, with Nitin. He was very upset in the morning. He had a fight with his elder brother. So, it wouldn't have been fair on my part to leave him alone. If I am with him in such situation very soon he comes back to normalcy. So I postponed the Malleshwaram program.

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Friend : Hey! What happened? You seem to be very happy today.

She : Why not? You know today is one of the most happiest days for me. Nitin got an onsite assignment in UK, for 6 months! That's why I am very happy. All of his hard work paid today. He had been waiting for this opportunity since long. He'll be leaving next month.

Friend : You will miss him.

She : Badly. I am so much dependent on him. I must thank Sanju, through him only I got to know Nitin. Without Nitin it would have been very difficult for me to stay in this alien city with no friends, relatives and on top of all, no job. He has been so caring friend all through my tough times in this city, he is so mature, so understanding, so trustworthy...a true friend.

Friend : He loves you yaar.

She : I know.

Friend : And you? Don't you love him?

She : I don't want to.

Friend : Don't tell me. You also feel for him.

She : I know yaar. He has everything that I expect in my dream-life-partner. I know I can never get a true life partner like him. But I don't want to commit.

Friend : What is stopping you? I really don't understand. When Miya-beevi are razi kya karega kazi?

She : Please...don't say like that. I never told him that I love him or something like that.

Friend : Is he a fool not to understand your feelings which are so clear from outside only? Poor fellow, don't leave him alone.

She : I have told him everything about my family. He knows how orthodox my parents are. They can never expect me marrying a guy from a different caste. They trust me. Come what may, I will not hurt my parent's feelings. I cannot imagine also. Now they are happily searching a guy for me in my native place.

Friend : Hmm, I don't understand at all.

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She : This Saturday I have to go home, a guy is coming to see me.

Friend : Oh! Is it? Good news yaar. Your first interview! Wish you all the best.

Friend : Any guesses, who is he?

She : Please yaar. I am least bothered and least interested. For the sake of my parents' happiness I have agreed for this.

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Friend : What about the interview, I was expecting your call actually?

She : Nothing so special. I didn't like the guy's attitude. I told my parents clearly. My parents are very understanding and so they too told me that they won't go ahead with this matter.

Friend : But still you should have analyzed properly.

She : I shared my views with Nitin. He had called me the next day. He didn't suggest me anything. He didn't tell me to say "yes" or "no", he didn't preach what is right or what is wrong. But after talking to him I was satisfied that whatever decision I took was right.

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Friend : Yesterday your mobile was engaged for more than half an hour. I kept trying, but I slept after 11pm.

She : Yeah, I was talking to Nitin. He is very much worried about my marriage. He is concerned whether I would get a guy of my choice or not, whether I would be happy with him or not. I was very sad to know this. But I am helpless. I pacified him and convinced that whatever my parents do, that will be the best for me, so no need to worry.

Friend : How Nitin will feel after you get married? Will he not be upset all the time?

She : Time will change everything. He will start living again. Was he not leading a normal life before I came into his life? It's all matter of time. Even I can't do anything other than pacifying him and myself with these philosophical statements.

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Finally " She" got engaged with a guy of her parent's choice (with her "yes" of course). She is in touch with both Nitin and the new " him" regularly through chatting in Yahoo Messenger.

Finally " She" got happily married to " him", very soon converting Nitin into memories, but deleting the memories was slow and almost impossible for Nitin.

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Why do girls do like this?

She needs him when she is new to the city.

She needs his help in finding out a PG or hostel for her

She makes him prepare a good-format-CV for her

She needs him to drop her to the venue of a walk-in interview

She expects him to collect all the consultants' mail ids

She needs him while preparing for the interviews

She needs his help in identifying HER skill sets, strengths and weakness!

She wants him to conduct a mock-interview for her!

She gives her yahoo mail id password so that he can forward her CV to consultants through internet in his office (in office hours!)

She needs him for boosting her confidence when she fails in the 1 st written test in her life

She wants him to take her to M.G Road , Brigade Road, Forum and Big bazaar

She needs his company while visiting all the temples in Malleshwaram on Vijayadashami, though he is not a believer of God.

She asks his opinions on importance of marriage

She wants him to be a shoulder to cry when her parents force her for marriage

She needs his help in preparing her mind for the first interview with a guy

She needs his help in deciding about the marriage proposal

She loves to share her happiness with him when she gets engaged

She expects him to attend her marriage (Come on guys, he is a true friend of her!)

The guy does all this honestly, without saying a single "No".

He loves her.

He cares for her.

Whatever he is today; it is only because of her entry in to his life.

He treats her as his life.

She changed him.

It is only because of her, he is smiling.

It is only because of her, he has forgotten the past bitter experiences.

She is the first person in his life to influence him so much.

He was the " bhatka hua musafir " and she came as his "manzil".

He threw the cigarette in the dust-bin because of her.

He has cultivated a positive attitude towards marriage and family because of her.

She is the perfect Indian woman he has ever seen.

He keeps a photo of Lord Krishna in his purse now; only because of her (also it is her favorite deity!).

Weekends come and go without his notice; it is only because of her.

He stopped going to office on Weekends; it is only because of her.

Onsite project was his dream; he puts all his efforts now, not to get an onsite assignment but to get a job for her in Bangalore.

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The girl depends on the guy as if she never lived and can never live without him. Guy behaves as if he has taken birth on this earth only to care for that lady. She treats him as a shoulder to cry and he treats her as a puppy in a rain storm. She loves to depend and he loves to take care, finally they fall in so called "love", ultimately adding an unnecessary trauma to life. Girls want a perfect life partner but they don't want to hurt their parents' feelings, guys know that they can't get her but still they want to care for her(because they want her to be happy wherever she is and with whoever she is).Great! Or shall I say crap!

Or I think no need to be so serious about it.

She gets engaged, life goes on...

Long lasting phone calls become short and sweet, life goes on...

A heart which was used to "Good morning" SMSs learns to be happy with just the "Happy weekend" SMSs, life goes on...

No more "Unread messages" in the yahoo mail, life goes on...

No one to share coffee at "Barista" at the end of a tiring working day, life goes on...

No more consultants' calls to be diverted and life goes on...

He starts smoking again, life goes on...

He is still living in flashback, and no looking back for her, but life goes on...

He gets promoted, he is a manager, she is mother of two kids, and life goes on...

He is in his late twenties, happily married to a beautiful, understanding, mature, caring, broad minded wife! Anyway life goes on...

Who knows, among these "Nitin "s someone will come up as "Cheran" (ace Tamil film director)and make a wonderful movie "My autograph" telling us of his unsuccessful love stories, or someone will come up as "Sudeep"( Kannada film actor turned director) who goes to his flashback after seeing this movie and then decides remaking this movie in Kannada, giving common people an opportunity to relive their past love-life at least for 3 hours, that too with their spouses, without any problem! Because there is " She" in every wife and there is Nitin in every husband (most of the times!). There are dumb spectators like " Friend" who are puzzled to see the whole episode between "She" and Nitin and just ask themselves " WHAT IT IS???" .

Please avoid playing with the lives of others. Better to avoid them than hurting their feelings. Imagine yourself in the receiver`s shoes and stop playing around. Don’t get close when you know you won`t be taking forward that relationship or be prepared to take it forward!!! Makes a lot of sense doesn’t it?

Nice Again

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 10:44:00 +0000

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude

and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse

me Sir, can you help me? I promised a friend, I would meet him an hour

ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

''You must be an engineer," said the lady balloonist.

"I am", replied the man. 'How did you know?'

''Well", answered the lady in the balloon, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help to me at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."

The engineer below responded, "You must be in Top Management."

''I am", replied the lady balloonist, "but, how did you know?''
"Well," said the Engineer, "You don't know where you are, or where
you're going. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and
you expect people beneath you, to solve your problems."

Nice interview

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 10:43:00 +0000

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes - coffee."

"Have you ever been in the military service? "

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says," That will give you 5 extra points towards
employment."

Then he asks," Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says," Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my
testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To
4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow from 10:00AM every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to
4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to start here from10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two
hours; we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No
point you coming in for that."

The Art of Appraisal

noreply@blogger.com (Team Fusion) — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 15:12:00 +0000

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and
outstanding. So, your rating is "average".

Kumar: What? How come 'average'?

Big Boss: Because...err...uhh...you lack domain knowledge.

Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in
this project as a domain consultant.

Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge
has eroded this year.

Kumar: What???

Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.

Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in
Manufacturing.

Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for
everything.

Kumar: Huh? *Confused*

Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.

Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business
Communication", you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?

Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well..I mean, you need to improve your Social
Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.

Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*

Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.

Kumar: *head spinning*

Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys
you recruited left within 2 months.

Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and
review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them
even attempted suicide.

Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give
you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only
'average'.

Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just
'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?

Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.

Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.

Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of
sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever
lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good',
whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck
to ceiling gets 'outstanding'.

Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?

Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.

Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for
'outstanding'?

Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old
organizational process!

Kumar: *faints*

Vanilla Ice Cream Interesting story

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 22:17:00 +0000

Vanilla Ice Cream !!! :)
An Interesting Story... must read it !!!

Never underestimate your Clients' Complaint, no matter how funny it might seem!

This is a real story that happened between the customer of General Motors and its Customer-Care Executive. Pls read on.....

A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:

This is the second time I have written to you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of Ice-Cream for dessert after dinner each night, but the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem.....

You see, every time I buy a vanilla ice-cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds "What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?" The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an Engineer to check it out anyway.
The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.
The Engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, they got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.
Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: He jotted down all sorts of data: time of day, type of gas uses, time to drive back and forth etc.

In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to check out the flavor.

Now, the question for the Engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Eureka - Time was now the problem - not the vanilla ice cream!!!! The engineer quickly came up with the answer: "vapor lock".
It was happening every night; but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.

Even crazy looking problems are sometimes real and all problems seem to be simple only when we find the solution, with cool thinking.

You will laugh your guts out.

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 22:16:00 +0000

You will laugh your heads out after you finish reading this! (Nice One from Reader's Digest)

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside, I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I nearly died!

Ipod touch 3g GB 3.1.3 jailbreak

noreply@blogger.com (Team Fusion) — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 21:35:00 +0000

It is possible now.Just check out the site http://appleipodtouch3gjailbreak.blogspot.com/.

Side effects of Alcohol.......and remedies

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 07:16:00 +0000

1. Symptom : Cold and humid feet.

Cause : Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet).

Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward

2. Symptom : The wall facing you is full of lights.

Cause : You're lying on the floor.

Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

3. Symptom : The floor looks blurry.

Cause : You're looking through an empty glass.

Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite drink!

4. Symptom : The floor is moving.

Cause : You're being dragged away.

Cure: At least ask where they're taking you!

5. Symptom : You hear echoes every time someone speaks.

Cause : You have your glass on your ear.

Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself!

6. Symptom : Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny.

Cause : You're in the wrong house.

Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

7. Symptom : The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.

Cause : You're in an ambulance.

Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job

Wal-Mart Doctor

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 19:04:00 +0000

... Wal-Mart ....

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

Thank you for shopping @ Walmart.

3 Idiot Speech by Chatur

noreply@blogger.com (Team Fusion) — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 20:00:00 +0000

Just read in UGANDA Accent :

Adarniya sabhapati mahodaya …Atithi vishesh Shikshan Mantri shri R D
tripati [tripathi] ji ..maanyaniya shikshagan aur mere piyaaare
[pyare] sahpatiyo [sahapathiyon] …aaj agar I.C.E aasmaan ki
bulaaandiyo [bulandiyon] ko chhu raahaa [raha] hai ..to uska shreya
sirrf [sirf] ekinsaan [ek insaan] ko jaataahai [jata hai] shri
veerusahastra buddhe ..give him a a big hand ..he is a great guy
really ..
Peechle buttis saal se inhone nirantar is college mein Balatkar
[balaatkaar ] pe Balatkar kiye ..umeed hai aagey bee [bhi] karte
rahege [rahenge] ..hamein to aashcharya hota hai ki ek insaan apne
jeevan kaal mein itni Balatkar kaisi kar sakta hai …inhone kadi
tapaasya se apne aapko is kaabil bunaya [banaya] hai ..waqt ka sahi
upyog Ghante ka purna istemaal koi inse seeke [seekhe] ..seeke inse
seeke ….aaj hum sab chaatra yaha hai ..kal desh videsh mein fail
[faael] jayenge ..waadaa hai aapse jis desh mein honge waha Balatkar
karenge I.C.E ka naam roshan karenge …dika [dikha] denge sabko jo
Balatkar Karne ki shamtaa yaha ke chaatro mein hai wo sansaar ke kisi
chaatro mein nahiii ….No other chaatra No other chaatra

Adarniya mantraji namashkar aapne is sansthaan ko wo chees di jiski
hamein sakht zaroorat thi ...sstunn ..stunn hota sabi [sab hi] ke paas
hai ..sab chupa ke rakte hai ..detaa koi nai …aapne apna stun is
Balatkari purush ke haat mein diya hai…ab dekiye yeh kaisa iska upyog
karta hai…….

Sanskrit Shlok

Utthamum dadhdadaath paadam...Madhyam paadam thuchuk chuk ...Ghanisthah
thud thudi paadam...Surr surri praan gatakam..

The Polite Way

noreply@blogger.com (Team Fusion) — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 19:55:00 +0000

Polite Way to Pee...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.'

'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?'

'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have
to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to
introduce you to after dinner.''

The teacher fainted.

Animator vs animation II

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 11:45:00 +0000

Gooooooooood one

Have a nice day

Awesome animation!

Animator vs animation II http://fc02.deviantart.net/fs13/f/2007/073/7/0/Animator_vs__Animation_II_by_alanbecker.swf

PREPARATION OF MBA EXAM

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Wed, 24 Mar 2010 13:29:00 +0000

Santa singh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part.

One day when he was reading, one of his non-sardar friends came home.
Friend Santa singhji How is your MBA preparation?
Santa Singh Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.
Friend Logic is very easy.
Santa singh Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.
Friend OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?
Santa YES.
Friend Logically, there will be water in it.
Santa YES.
Friend Logically, there will be fish in it.
Santa YES.
Friend Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.
Santa YES.
Friend I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.
Santa YES.
Friend so, logically, you are married.
Santa YES.
Friend So, that means you are a heterosexual.
Santa singh was very glad and he understood logic.

Next day he sees Banta singh and he was also preparing for MBA.
Santa How is your MBA preparation?
Banta Everything is fine except for the logic.
Santa Oh, logic is easy.
Banta Pleaseeee, give me an example.
Santa Do you have a fish pot in your house?
Banta NO, I don't.
Santa saala!!!!!!!! HOMO!!!!!!!

Ultimate one.Must Read!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Team Fusion) — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 22:05:00 +0000

Matrimonial Descriptions

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 20:14:00 +0000

My friends

Dont think this is a forwarded mail, Read it as its an Email (Go green save paper) paper is too costly to jot these down.

Well some of you are not lucky enuf to login to Matrimony sites (You COMMITTED couples)

These sites are the treasure house for the person wants to perform physcological disection ( they dont teach in IIM's)

I had used my uncanny skills of writting (developed from writting TTD ) to read between lines , here some of few selected ones

They Write (to secure annonimity) ------I decrypted ( m influenced by WAR movies )

1. I am down to earth -----------------------------Plz don’t expect dowry from me

2. I love travelling ---------------------------------- I want you to take me on world tour

3. I am open/bold ---------------------------------- Not Penetration proof, now its your time to tell your secrets

4. I like watching movies------------------------- I need first day first day ticket of every new release in most costliest multiplex

5. I want him to be my friend ------------------ Dont expect "AAP" , stay satisfied with "TU"

6. I am little cubby --------------------------------- Boss!!! profile photo is of 16 th birthday

7. I am little introvert ------------------------------ Get ready to install DISH TV

8. I like talkin ----------------------------------------- Means get ready to get office feeling at home.

9. Pefer Ethnic but Comfortable in western outfits - Means wear only jeans , dont expect Bikinis at night

10. I like dolls --------------------------- Kush maat hona, ye woh doll nahi hai....

11. I like Pets --------------------------- Matlab , recalculate ur paycheck to accomodate a dog.

12. My father treated me as son-- Boss jagra karoge toh, baap aa jayega.

13. M the only Daugther-------------- Kush mat hona..... Get in laws in ur house for free

Guys dont distribute it to Grls , for MY sake. As i am single and forced to mingle.

Message for the day : Dont drink n drive, some padestrian are virgin singles.

New window phone

noreply@blogger.com (Team Fusion) — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 20:09:00 +0000

Arrested for laughing! very funny - Please Read

noreply@blogger.com (Maverick) — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 13:01:00 +0000

Arrested for laughing!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is from an actual trial in the UK; A young woman who was several
months pregnant boarded a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated
on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more
amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out
laughing, She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he
acted in such a manner.

His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing
she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read 'Coming
Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which
read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she
sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have
prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed!