Sounds Inside my Head

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 01:43:00 +0000

Just checking in on my own blog.. it's been awhile. I think perhaps I'll need to start writing again.

Life is good. Yea.

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 04:34:00 +0000

Monday, August 18
The World
The World represents the completion of a cycle and the attainment of inner peace and contentment. It is time to celebrate all that you have accomplished and bask in your successes. You have achieved a heightened sense of self awareness and a new appreciation for your surroundings. While this card doesn't rule out discomfort in your life, it does indicate that many of your trials and tribulations will soon be overcome. Everything is finally starting to come together!

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 05:24:00 +0000

March 17th, 1970
Energy Number: 3
"The Light Bringer"

In Feng Shui, you are considered an "East" person.

You are the sunshine for others. Music, dance and humor are part of making sure that your life is not boring. Don't stress yourself in your career and your health will blossom. Taking time for yourself will always help you to balance your busy life. You have the good fortune to have friends with money or to attract abundance in many levels of your life. Your family background will stay a source of wisdom and your cultural heritage will be always important as a base for your higher knowledge.
Your Complete Energy Number Profile

Just knowing your best Feng Shui direction is only the start. You need to put them to work for you! Find out how to use your unique Kua Number to maximize your Feng Shui with a Kua Energy Report. Learn how to increase success, health, love and wisdom in your life.

How do I feel Safe?

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 16:00:00 +0000

In light of all that's going on - divorce, identity theft, and court - I decided it would benefit me to go back to counseling.

Since my home was burglarized, I've had several fake phone calls from person associated with the burglary. They pretend to be detectives, but fish for more information. Honestly, I think they're pissed because GT and I have blocked them from gaining anything with our identifications.

Back to my point:

My counselor says that the most important issue at this time is my safety. What makes me feel safe?

Emotionally, I feel safe when I have no contact with my own parents.

to be continued...

Personality Profile

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 05:34:00 +0000

A General Description of How You Interact with Others
You are important. So are other people, especially if they are in trouble. You have a tender heart, but you know how to establish and keep personal boundaries. You are empathetic and compassionate, but you also believe that it's best if people solve their own problems and learn to take care of themselves, if they are able.

You are deeply moved by the needs of others, but you know that if you don't take good care of yourself, you'll wind up being of no use to anyone. So yours is a thoughtful compassion. You strive to be fair and sensible, taking care of others while also taking care of yourself.

When someone really is in trouble, you like to collaborate with them toward a solution; they do their part, you do yours. You consider carefully, and respond in a sensible way; they do their part, and together you move through the difficulty.

You seldom act impulsively; rather, when a problem arises, you take your time to think through the situation. This contemplative quality usually means that you'll arrive at a diplomatic solution, one that's fair for the other person and also fair to you. It's frequently a win/win situation.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
For people who are ruled by tender-hearted compassion, your more diplomatic response to problems might seem too cool, too focused on fairness and not filled enough with sympathy and selflessness.

For them, when someone's life is on fire, what is needed is not collaboration but rescue. And the person who experiences their life on fire may resent the time you take to contemplate. "I need you, and I need you NOW! This isn't about fairness, it's about the fire." "All deliberate speed" may seem too deliberate and not fast enough, either to the more compassionate or to people in genuine trouble.

At the other end of the spectrum of compassion, those who believe people should take care of themselves may find even your thoughtful sympathies too soft. They expect people, themselves included, to work their own way out of trouble. They are convinced that the helping hand you lend just fosters dependence and is not good for the development of character, either in you or in the person you assist.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Many people, perhaps the majority, will come to appreciate your balance as a compassionate person. The more they get to know you, the more they will admire your thoughtful compassion for others and its compliment in the sensible ways you take good care of yourself.

Those whom you help will appreciate the way you leave them with their dignity by expecting them to collaborate in their own rescue. Those who are more tender-hearted will find in you a balance they lack; when they've run out of energy because they fail to take good care of themselves, you will still have enough compassion left to lift others out of trouble.

Even the tough-hearted, those who believe people should solve their own problems, might come to admire your tenderness which they don't find in themselves. So the people you help will be grateful, and the people who see your balance between self and others will admire you. Certainly, balanced is not bad at all as a way to be known among your friends.

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 05:11:00 +0000

My mind is a swarm of misguided thoughts and confusion sometimes. I am so overwhelmed with my life, my choices and the consequences.

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 06:52:00 +0000

Who We Are Lyrics

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 14:56:00 +0000

ESTJ - "Administrator". Much in touch with the external environment. Very responsible. Pillar of strength. 8.7% of total population.

Free Jung Personality Test (similar to Myers-Briggs/MBTI)

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Sat, 31 May 2008 08:21:00 +0000

I'm so conflicted.

I tried for so long to hold it together. To show empathy for what he's been through with his ex wife and estranged daughter. To imagine how awful I'd feel were it me. To ease the pain to take care of him.

As time went by, things got deeper, marriage and a child within 9 months. It was hard, and I felt more and more stuck. But, I've always been non conventional. I've always been hard to pin down. Fear of commitment. I married for the first (and only so far) time at the age of 30.

I waited a long time for him. I thought it would work. It was hard from day one.. but I always like a challenge.

As time wore on I realized that, although the thoughts and words were there, the effort was one sided. That I was bearing the burden of the fighting over my stepdaughter - taking his responsibility. It soon turned into me taking his responsibility for just about everything. . . and most specifically everything that, in his perception, went 'wrong'.

I stuck it out as long as I could and I think that I can safely and with confidence say that I've exhausted all remedies of taking responsibility.

It really does take two to tango.

And it really only takes one to make that dance completely futile.

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Sat, 31 May 2008 08:02:00 +0000

It feels really crappy. Yep, it does. When you realize after 10 years of thinking you would be spending your life with this person, that perhaps he's been trying to convince himself for just as long, that you're the right person.

Meaning.. he thought so, but has realized or is realizing, that he was wrong. Over 10 years, two kids, a successful business and a house later, I'm wrong for him.

It feels really crappy to trust, over and over, that the good person inside really can find his way back out, that the pent up anger and resentment will resolve itself.. that one can really change. Change back. To the person you feel in love with.

It feels really crappy that, the people who stand outside looking in offer opinions - when you say something like, 'yes, he's a ball of anger because the house is not clean enough...' to be interrupted with 'well, that's how ALL men are. It's called being married. ' Really? Well, not ALL men use the pretty-darn-clean-but-in-his-opinion-a-pig-sty house as his excuse to emotionally batter those he loves. Aside from that, YOU already know it's life. It doesn't have to be anybody's fault. It is what it is. It's HIM that wallows in anger over life as it is. Daily life kills him.

It's HIM who's angry and unforgiving. It's you who's giving up.

It's an excuse. Being a man that is.

And so is : I can't talk about this right now, I'm trying to sleep. (Who fucking uses sleeping as his excuse to avoid discussing what could be the catalyst to the end of his marriage and family? The SECOND marriage and family he's lost. Who does that?

or: You need a full time job so you won't call me all the time and try to talk to me while I'm busy (as he's calling you from work, while *YOU'RE* busy cleaning his fucking pigsty, to add some more demands to your list so he can come home and rip on you for not getting his month's worth list of crap done in 2 hours. --- yes, I'm venting)

or: I hate talking on the phone - this after you had a nice, mature conversation for several minutes before his obvious low opinion of you seeped through and he made a comment that you dare admit was hurtful. As soon as you say something he doesn't approve of, he hates talking on the phone.

And, yes, I could go for days. This is mild in comparison.

And he wonders why I act like a fucking loony half of the time. He wonders.

Why do people think, when they're talking to a person who has recently split from a marriage, that it's helpful to say things like "It's marriage, honey." Or "It's both of you." Oh, really? Sure is. You gave up, moved out and you're comfortable with your decision. He's miserable. How is that both of you?

It takes two to tango and one to make it impossible.

Do they honestly think that they KNOW what's gone on in your life? That they are qualified to say to you "it's life, honey. That's how marriage is?"

Because I refuse to believe that this life I've lived over the past 10 years is a 'normal' marriage. Absofuckinglutely refuse.

So there.

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Thu, 08 May 2008 05:10:00 +0000

Hmmmm... Perhaps this is the issue.

Pisces and Leo:

Sparks will fly and there will be an instant attraction when Leo meets Pisces. Leo will play with fire and doesn’t mind getting burned. Pisces will see confidence and a night out on the town with Leo. Pisces will be drawn to Leo’s confidence.

Leo will be attracted to Pisces strong sexuality. Problems will arise when Pisces needs space. Leo is basically faithful and will not tolerate disloyalty. Pisces seeks a deeper connection and could find Leo to bossy for his or her taste. Pisces will also find Leo much more aggressive than they had bargained for. It may be best to call it a night before either gets involved here. Leo will roar when not treated like royalty and Pisces will shut down immediately and swim away when they sense manipulation or underhanded behavior.

Leo will eventually conclude that Pisces wasn’t the right person after all.

Embracing Differences v. Judging

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 21:41:00 +0000

Something dawned on me a few weeks ago, when GT said something to me that made no sense.. it was something that HE chose, but accused me of doing. Something I simply would not do (or even think of)

I tell my family the truth. They don't tell me the truth - say I'll get mad. But truly, THEY get mad at my feelings. THEY don't accept my feelings.. they minimize and act defensive when I'm just saying my feelings, the fact of what's occurred, etc., Projection, I suppose.

THEY judge me and they think I'm judging them.. but if only they all realized that I don't tell them all of the negative things I think about them.. I accept them for who they are and find a new way to deal with my feelings- while they criticize me and expect me to change to make them happy.

My reactions are rarely 'angry' as they anticipate, but usually when we get into discussion about things, I'm told that they did a certain thing whatever way (ie, leaving me out, etc) because they just know I'll get mad. I usually sit there confused because I'm not mad.. but I feel defensive when they say I am.

I've discovered that those who think that I judge them are actually the people who judge me. Or so it seems. And my family simply doesn't realize that the ONLY thing that has changed my mind about them is the way they treat me. Not the choices they've made. GT included.

Basically, I accept people for who they are, warts and all, and there isn't much that can make me turn away from most people.. except when they treat me like crap. Judge me.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.. I actually find the whole concept of those who judge, feeling judged, quite amusing... except when it's my family and I can't seem to work it out.. or be a doormat.

Just ... whew

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 18:25:00 +0000

Okay.. so here it goes.

I moved away from my husband. Separated. I don't forsee any reconciliation. My children are so well adjusted it just feels like the exact right thing to do. Sad, yes, but it is what it is.

And.. I'm much happier inside. I think Greattune is too, but he's not ready to admit that.

Oh.. and my role has changed.. I'm no longer the 'evil' stepmother.. the shoe is on the other foot. Sort of.

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 02:32:00 +0000

So much has been happening.. all at once.

This week's theme song

Timbaland Lyrics
Apologize Lyrics

It's so ..... me!

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Fri, 07 Mar 2008 17:24:00 +0000

A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder:

“I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the hall table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice the trash can is full.

So I decide to put the bills back on the table, and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash, I should pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook out of my purse, and realize there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in my office, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke I had been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke can aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, so I decide I should put it in the refrigerator so that it will stay cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye...they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I had better put them back on my desk, but first I am going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and suddenly, I spot the TV remote...someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV I will be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers are not watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired.”

Brianna Denison

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 07:03:00 +0000

Brianna Denison's mother will be on Dr. Phil this Friday, 3pm, pst. Let's all show our support and take a look.

The Countdown

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 06:58:00 +0000

It's on

In 12 days I will be 38 years old.. no longer in the mids, now it's all about the late 30s.

I'm feeling my age. Sort of. I think.

I've spent a ton of time lately with friends from years ago - boys and girls. Yikes. No questionable activity including the boys, but... it's taking me back. To my roots. To who I really am.

I like it. But it's a bittersweet part of life, I think.

Countdown number two:

On June 21, I will attend my 20 year high school reunion. I'm looking forward to that. I think.

Things to ponder.

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 06:24:00 +0000

Lisa, you are Right-brained

Most right-brained people like you are flexible in many realms of their lives. Whether picking up on the nuances of musical concerto, appreciating the subtle details in a work of art, or seeing the world from a different perspective, right-brained people are creative, imaginative, and attuned to their surroundings.

People probably see your thinking process as boundless, and that might translate to your physical surroundings as well. Some people think of you as messier than others. It's not that you're disorganized, it's just that you might use different systems to organize (by theme, by subject, by color). Straight alphabetization and rigidly ordered folders are not typical of right-brained behavior.

You are also more intuitive than many. When it comes to reading literature, you probably prefer creative writing or fiction over nonfiction. And when it comes to doing math, you might find you enjoy geometry more than other forms like algebra.

How about that Baptist Church?

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 08:05:00 +0000

The following sites are disturbing. Follow the links at your own risk.

I just don't see how people can justify this ... and feel entitled to picket a funeral.

And the post this group wrote regarding the picket at Ms. Denison's wake over the weekend makes me ill ... It literally disgusts me.

And, so.. why is it that whenever a crime of hate, a murder, or rape occurs, there is 'one in every crowd' who finds a way to blame the victim? (This is an article I found interesting.. I like it. I just don't like the people whose comments the writer based the article on. Jerks.

Actually, now that I think about it, that group of scum doesn't even deserve this much attention. Huh? These people are truly disturbed. Truly.

Reflecting - Now and ... then

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 20:03:00 +0000

So... I've been in hibernation... not really discussing life.. talking about much, just keeping to myself, my marriage and my children.

The marriage part has been hell in a handbasket.. I won't lie.

The good news is, husband (I think) and I, have found peace where blendedness is concerned - a goal we thought we'd never achieve.

Recent 'grown up' conversations with my now adult stepdaughter, have been extremely enlightening, have confirmed a lot of my feelings and, on a selfish note, have helped me realize that I didn't screw up as much as I thought. Neither did her Dad.

Oh, and that she really does love me, consider me her parent, and want me around.. she's stuck in the middle. "Divided loyalty can really create pain", she says. What a bright young lady she is.

She knows we 'let go' out of love - and for no other reason.

We know she 'let go' out of desperation and divided loyalty - and for no other reason.

She told me that she remembered years ago, she was 11, and upset by her parents' fighting, that I told her someday she'd be grown up, 18, and would be able to make her own choices without having to worry about being denied her feelings. . . and that she counted the years, weeks, months and days, from that day forward, until her 18th birthday...

So she could tell her Dad and me that she knows why we let go.. and she forgives us.

As for the 'other side', little birdies tell me there isn't so much peace over there... but since SD is now an 'adult', I don't have to worry much about 'over there'...

Don't get me wrong.. I do worry. I don't think that the relationship between my SD and her biological mother is exactly emotionally healthy. But it's all SD's ever known.. it's not anything I can fix, and well, I've learned a lot from it. Good things... things that I can use in my future with SD and, more specifically, with my children.

And, I'm definite that her relationship with her step father, the man who insisted that SD 'had a dad and it wasn't her Bio Dad' is full of animosity. SD claims to hate his guts and he shares the sentiment... neither is shy about his or her feelings either.

But, well, you reap what you sow.. and perhaps that's cold hearted and insensitive, but BM insisted that all of SD's problems were a direct result of my being in her life.. and I stepped away and things got progressively worse over there.

As for here, things got and remain, progressively better.

Huh? Go figure.

Through all of the fighting, worrying, feeling less than, through the pain and the silent suffering we (DH and I) endured, we have living proof that there IS light at the end of the tunnel.

And, to all the parents out there, divorced biological and step parents alike, embroiled in emotional battles over these kids who could truly benefit from having more than 'one' family -

Our kids grow up and be exactly whom they wish to be... regardless of the fighting, tugging, hurting and pain. They, just like the rest of us, have idiosyncracies, bad days, nasty behavior - they're human.

And, when you think they don't know how you feel about their other parents, think again. They know. A lot more than we realize.

It behooves us all to find a way to tolerate each other on a truly positive note - we 'parents' .. really.

If only I'd know this all along.. and the other players wanted to play nice.

In a perfect world.

The Local Police Take a Stand!?!

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 18:26:00 +0000

In light of the recent attack and death of a young college girl, the university police are insisting that they are not well prepared for a massive emergency (ie, incidences similar to Columbine, serial rapists, etc)

I'm impressed. It's been awhile since I've seen (if ever) a local government agency take a stand.

Our community is in a state of shock.. . This type of crime just isn't common around here, but as our city grows, so do the opportunities... and the need for more protection.

Interesting thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 16:28:00 +0000

I was reading another stepmom blog today and noticed a poll..

Has your husband forgiven his ex wife?

I voted yes. I was one of three who voted yes.. the majority (about 15, I think) voted no.

Perhaps that's the issue?

Hmmmm..

I have to say that if my husband hadn't forgiven his ex by now, after almost 20 years of being apart and 11 years of life with me, I'd be hurt.

I've always thought it a little odd that I'd rather have them be 'friends'. The fighting, the power struggles, the tears and anger, have always been much more intimidating as a second wife. Too much emotion involved between two people who 'can't stand each other'. I guess it's a fine line.

I'm glad he's forgiven her - it means he's also let go of his emotional ties to her.

As a second wife, stepmom first and now a mommy myself, I have to say that I think we fellow stepmoms, at times, need to put things into perspective. Perhaps not believe everything we're told, second hand, by the men we love. They too can be emotionally involved (although they like to claim they're not) and perceive things a tad differently than the original intent.

One more thing.. the need to vent subsides with the unwillingness to continue to vent. *wink wink*

And then you feel better.

Just a little ramble.

He's loose.. in our little community

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 00:35:00 +0000

Brianna Denison is a victim of sexual assault, a murder victim.

And we don't like it.

I want to lock myself and my children and my friends' children and ALL OF OUR YOUNG ladies inside.. locked in tight. Yuck.

A Tragic Day in the "Biggest Little City"

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 22:45:00 +0000

Our humble little city is changing..

Today's news casts a dark cloud over Reno

God Bless Brianna Denison and her family.

taming the wild within

noreply@blogger.com (lisa) — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 00:59:00 +0000

I'm rapidly approaching my mid to lates - 30s that is (notice, I haven't admitted late 30s yet, but only MID to lates.. okay? It's an important detail ... )

I often wonder if I'm accidentally convinced that I'm nearing my 20s.. not 40s. Ugh. I said it.. going on 40.

My friend keeps saying that 40 is the new 20.. I wonder if she's sending me subliminal messages? I'm feeling.. young. without trying..

Actually.. maybe I don't feel young, but instead, defiant.. rebellious. Hmmm.. something to think about.

It's the kids.. Yep, they keep me young.

I have never been a conventional girl. Ever. It's been hard, as I grow older, to be more conventional.. .. I don't really like it. I'm more of a free spirit. I like that. :)

It's expected though.. We're local business owners.. but we're definitely a more humble business owning family. As we like it.

But.. there is still this wild young lady that lives within.. and I'm struggling lately, trying to tame her.

teehee

Burning Man.. here we come. Among other untraditional things I've found myself leaning toward lately.. like pole dancing.

I crack myself up. For real.