THOSE DARN ECKERSONS

But why?

2016-04-27T11:50:00.001-07:00

It's "nap time" (which, these days, means Winston sleeps and I spend two hours telling to London to go back to her room 4,700 times before finally giving up because she's woken up her brother) and I started to sit down for a few games of Candy Crush while eating a Fudge Round (my guilty pleasure). But instead, I feel like writing might be a little bit more beneficial for my current emotional state. So here I am, second blog in like two weeks, after not blogging for like 45 years - pretty much killin' it.

A week ago, I was laying in a hospital bed on the 6th floor of Rex Hospital. The area known as 6 East is ~~the old people floor~~ Neurology. I was the youngest patient by about 600 years and aside from an awkwardly crooked smile, no one could tell by looking at me why I was there. Honestly, at first, I didn't even know why I was there. And when I sit back and really think about the past week+, I'm not sure I'll ever totally understand "why" I was there, in the grand scheme of things. I mean, I know why I was there; I had a stroke. But I don't know why I had a stroke. As it turns out, despite MRIs and MRAs (with and without contrast), a CT Scan, an EKG, a bubble study, multiple blood panels, speech, physical & occupational therapy evaluations, and about 95 vital checks ... even the really smart people at Rex Hospital don't know why I had a stroke.

I had a stroke.

It's a really weird thing to say. In fact, when I asked a close group of mommy friends to pray for me (on the very short list of people who knew what was going on), a girlfriend said, "Only old people are allowed to say that!" Which is this idea most people have, and it's not totally untrue, but it's (obviously) not totally true either. I'm 31, and according to all the doctors, nurses and staff who saw me last week, I am as healthy as I can be. I don't smoke or do drugs. My cholesterol and blood pressure are low. I don't take birth control bills. I don't have any pre-existing conditions or hereditary risks. My heart & arteries are free from blockages and holes. Which is probably why, when I happened to mention the "weird symptoms" I was experiencing to my kids' pediatrician, she never said the word stroke. It didn't make sense, it couldn't possibly be, but I knew she was concerned, and she pleaded with me to take my symptoms seriously, and without her ever saying the word, I could tell she knew something was dangerously wrong.

My symptoms didn't fit the normal picture we are all shown of a stroke victim. I wasn't slurring, my face wasn't drooping, I had no headache and I was able to walk & balance fine. I had trouble speaking, but I was aware of the issue and was trying to compensate & cover it. I was calling people I know well by the wrong name, and couldn't think of the right words for things - not totally off-base for an over-tired mom of two little ones, right? I was foggy, disoriented maybe, so much so that I couldn't think of how to get to very familiar places, but I knew enough to plug the directions on my phone to get me there. I had trouble seeing, but figured it was from sleeping in my contacts or maybe I was overheated. No one could see anything wrong with me. No one, including me, had any inkling that there was something serious going on in my brain. I actually repeated the words of the triage nurse, "I might be having a stroke", to my husband and a friend, very nonchalantly while driving myself to the hospital. But when the neurologist turned to Ben and asked, "Does her smile always look like that?", reality set in, and that reality was scary.

I didn't fully understand what a lot of it meant, but I could see the concern in the staff members faces and the swiftness with which doctors & technicians were moving me from test to test, that told me they were taking this very seriously. It wasn't until a third person suggested the possible diagnosis that it finally sunk in. I was 31 and I'd had a stroke.

Now, before you go panicking like I did, there's varying degrees of strokes. Mine was considered a TIA (transient ischemic attack) or a "mini stroke". Don't you love how they use the word "mini" like it's this adorable little minor stroke? Like I'm supposed to be way less scared because it's only a little baby stroke, right? Hmmm, not so much. TIA was a new term for me, so here's the lowdown - they typically produce stroke-like symptoms but no long lasting effects. [For reference "loss of vision" and "trouble speaking" are the two things I said that waved a big red flag for the woman checking me into the ER. As it turns out, those are scary things that should always always prompt you to seek emergency medical attention - immediately #themoreyouknow ] Once I was already in the hospital, I experienced some numbness and weakness in my right side, but thankfully it was almost fully resolved by the time I was discharged.

While we can't really be sure (or at least that's what they tell me), it's likely that this TIA occurred because a blood clot blocked an artery for a short period of time. There's no real medical reason why I would have a blood clot, which means they can't say for sure it will or will not happen again. So when the pamphlet they gave me says "Good news! Stroke is largely preventable by reducing and controlling your risk factors," I'm like LIAR!!! But I guess the good news is that there's a reason they're all so baffled by my case, and that's because it's really rare for there to be no logical explanation. I take that to mean that, because you know me, your odds are really low of having the same thing happen. You're welcome.

I guess to make a really long story not so short, I am in this weird emotional place right now, and possibly a weird physical place but who can really be sure? I have a lingering pressure in my head, which I like to say is because my brain is working so hard. [I actually read that, in young people, the nerves near the affected area can try to learn the jobs of the damaged nerves, so I'm more tired because my more little nerves are doing two jobs] I'm really thirsty, at least partially a result of my body trying to flush out all the contrast dye they had to use for the MRIs. I'm waiting on the results of a few blood tests, which would tell us if I have a clotting disorder of some kind (unlikely that I wouldn't know it by now, after having two vaginal births, but you never know!). And the only possible link anyone can think of is the fact that I have an IUD, so I'm waiting to discuss all of that with my doctor tomorrow. But beyond all of that, I had this really really major scary thing happen to me, and nobody knows why or how or if / when it will happen again. That's frightening for my own sake, but especially for the sake of the two tiny humans I care for on a daily basis. A friend said something like, "it sucks to feel like your body has failed you", and that's kind-of where I'm at right now. I hate medical mysteries, I hate not having answers, but it sounds like I may just have to give this one to God and trust that He has a plan, which may or may not involve future TIAs or even full blown strokes, but He's going to take care of me through all of it. Writing that down, reminding myself of His mercy over my life, is really the best medicine, isn't it y'all?

I've been really on the fence about saying something publicly regarding all of this. A few people close to us know, and those who need to know because they care for my children, but I've kept it pretty private and I'm not totally sure why. On the one hand, I don't want people thinking every time I forget a word or a name that I'm having another episode. But, the flip side of that is that the more I'm able to educate those around me, the better chance someone will notice if and when it happens again. And really, if this helps even one person re-evaluate stroke symptoms and look at themselves or their loved ones a little more closely, that's all I can really hope for. There was a billboard on Capital Blvd. for awhile that said, "Time lost is brain lost," or something morbid along those lines, but it's true. If you suspect even for a second that something is not right, call 911 right away. They can do blood tests in the ambulance and have a stroke team waiting for you at the hospital so as to make the most of that precious 3 hour window. OK, this is super heavy ... Honestly, I don't need or want pity, even though this whole entry might sound a little "woe is me"; it was cathartic. I needed to really be in my feelings and take a good hard look at the whole situation. But I covet your prayers: for me, that God will calm my fears and remind me that He is in control of all of this, and of course for my healing; for the doctors, that they will be granted wisdom in reviewing my results and making recommendations for next steps; for my family, that they will be patient with me as I continue to recover from all of this, physically and emotionally, and that my sweet husband, especially, will have the strength to pick up all my slack, as he has been; and for everyone involved, to accept the fact that we might never know the "why" of this situation, but that God has a plan and His protection is my greatest assurance. I'm ok, I swear. And I'm pretty sure that Fudge Round is calling to me...

Parenting in a Politically Correct World

2016-04-11T11:11:00.002-07:00

Friends, it's been an eternity since I last posted. I could give you a million excuses, but the only person I owe anything to is myself. I'm disappointed that I haven't kept record of the last year or so because life is moving at warp speed and I so desperately want to remember these moments, especially the sweet ones. But today, I'm going to remember a not-so-sweet one. Partially, because it's important to remind myself, and maybe some of you, that parenting is hard. Maybe sometimes harder than we want to admit. It's wonderful, and there are so many precious times while raising small children, but real life is ... well, it's not all precious.

Against my better judgment, I took both kids (3 and 1) to a very busy park on the first nice day after several unseasonably cold ones. I knew it would be packed, and I knew they'd likely spend the whole time running in opposite directions, but after a friend chastised me recently for saying I was avoiding public places with both of them due to the fear of the chaos (mind you, she only has one child, so ... you know...) I felt like I had to push myself out of my comfort zone and brave the 70 degree sunshine. Thankfully, two other mom friends were there and we were doing a bit of zone defense to help keep the kids under control. It honestly wasn't so bad and even though I wasn't able to socialize much with my friends, the kids were enjoying themselves, until London asked to go on the "big playground". I told her it was too far, that I had to stay in the small area with Winston but she could pick XYZ to do instead. A few minutes later, I caught her out of the corner of my eye on the farthest end of the very large playground. I took off running, leaving Winston virtually unsupervised, but for a few unassuming stranger moms who would hopefully intervene if he was dangling from a fire pole or something equally dangerous. I called her name, I counted to three, and finally I jumped the fence to find her climbing the steering wheel of an old caboose. I sharply and sternly yelled "LONDON CLAIRE" with not a shred of nonsense in my voice, walked over to where she was standing, and instructed her to get down and come with me.

Here's the thing, y'all, there were at least three other moms & their children on that caboose. And my raising of my voice at my disobedient 3yo caused them all to fall perfectly silent. Statues. Staring in shock. Judging eyes, waiting for my next move. Look, I'll be the first to admit, I am a firm mother, but I don't abuse my kids. I don't even spank them. They might have each gotten a few smacks on the hand when reaching for an electrical outlet, but that's about the worst of it. So I really didn't give it much thought to yell London's name across the playground today, but once my blood pressure lowered a bit, I started thinking. When did it become so unacceptable to raise our voices at our children? When did we become so politically correct that we are afraid to yell? And why are we not even a little bit afraid that we're raising a culture of sissies with all of these gentle parenting techniques? I'm not trying to break their spirits, but forgive me if I think a raised voice or a stern tone now and again is warranted. We're all so concerned with not offending anyone, NOT EVEN OUR OWN PRESCHOOLERS, that we're letting them run the show. And we have a million reasons as to why we're doing things the way we are, but I'm certain a good majority of us grew up with our parents raising their voices now and again - or worse, for many of us - and guess what: we're all moderately successful, functioning, respectful and socially adept adults!

Now let me clarify, it is 100% fine with me if you are able to effectively parent your child without so much as a harsh word or tone. I don't care in the least how you parent your child if it's working for you, but here's where I do care: 1. when the lack of supervision / discipline you're providing affects my kids and 2. when you start judging me for the way I parent, despite it not affecting your family in the slightest. I am not afraid of my children. I'm not afraid to piss them off. I'm not afraid of telling them no. I'm not lying in bed at night wondering if they're going to be in therapy in 20 years because I sent them to timeout after hitting their sibling. And while it is not my ultimate goal to make my kids afraid of me, I want them to respect authority. I want them to know that,when rules are made, they are to follow them. If that's not your cup of tea, great, do what works for you. But for Heaven's sake, can we quit with the side-eye?

A Letter to Ella Brooks

2016-01-05T16:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Ella Brooks,

You may never read this. Or if you do, it may be years from now and you may have heard the same story over and over again throughout your life. How much you were wanted, prayed for, and loved, long before you were even conceived. The journey your parents went through to get them to you. The herds of friends and family members who prayed alongside your mom & dad, sharing tears of sorrow, and then of joy when we finally learned of you. It might bring a smile to your face as you recite it by memory as a child, and it might be cliche to hear in your teenage years, and it might bring tears to your eyes as an adult, if and when you are blessed with a child of your own. But there's more to it, that your mom will never tell you. So I'll say it now, and I'll probably say it a million times again as you're growing up - your mom is awesome.

Your mom is a lot of things to a lot of people. She's called "best friend" by quite a few. But I feel like I'm a bit of an authority on the matter, since I've known her for more than half my life at this point. We've been through A LOT (you don't get to ask questions) and it has strengthened our friendship in so many ways. As teenagers, we spent hours together, finding fun in the most mundane tasks. As college students and young adults, we drank way too much and soaked up every second of the time we were able to spend together. As 20-somethings, we stood by each other as we got married and the visits got further between but all the more meaningful (and we probably still drank too much). All the while, your mom has been the one to tell it like it is. She has always been real with me, even when it was hard for me to hear. She can talk me down or build me up. She will snap me back to reality while never letting me lose hope. She keeps me accountable in my walk with Christ, in my marriage, in my friendships and my relationships with family. She was a voice of experience when I was a naive 15 year old, many years ago when we met, and now she's a voice of reason when I need her most.

Your mom has stood by me through every step of my motherhood journey. She was the first person to find out I was pregnant. She was the only non-family member I called to say I was in labor, and she was at the hospital (4 hours away!) within a few hours of London Claire's birth. She was an obvious choice for Godmother, and I knew she would be an incredible mother someday. I didn't know what that journey would look like for her, or how long it would take, or how many bumps in the road there would be. I wouldn't wish all that on my worst enemy, but I know she and your dad have found a way to use those trials and tribulations to make themselves, and their marriage, and their faith in God even stronger.

Motherhood is the one thing we have not yet been able to truly share, and while I cannot wait for your arrival for so many reasons, I cannot wait for your mom to really experience all that it has to offer. She is going to handle this transition as beautifully and as seamlessly as she has all the others she's been faced with in her 32 years. She is going to rise with grace and courage, and hopefully I'll be there to pick her up when she's feeling less than perfect. Go easy on her, because I promise you one day you'll realize just how awesome your mom is, and you'll thank God that He chose her for you. I know she thanks Him every day that He picked you for her.

I cannot wait to meet you Ella Brooks, and I cannot wait to see my best friend as your mom.

XOXO,
Aubrey

Winston 11 months

2015-07-02T09:59:00.001-07:00

Oy. Just when I think our months can't get any crazier, they do. Eleven has probably been Winston's worst month since his first month. We've had a lot of health issues but so far everything seems to be minor and for that, we are so very grateful.

Eating: poor Winston ended up in the ER, then transferred and admitted, then referred to a pediatric GI specialist. So, we took him down to a liquid diet (almond milk + breast milk) for about a week to let his GI system reset. We discovered that the blood in his stools was from me, not him, so we have since fully weaned from breastfeeding [more on that later]. We are reintroducing one food at a time, starting with white potato - so far so good. It's been really really hard, as he doesn't really like the almond milk (especially if we try to give it to him cold) and he wanted table food so bad. Lots of crying and not a lot of sleep. But I am confident things will get better and this is for the best for both of us.

Sleeping: he's had a really hard time going down at night since we went to the liquid diet. Lots of crying no matter what we do. But once he's really down, he's sleeping normally (until around 6am) and still taking two naps, many of which are in the car.

Activity: he walks everywhere, unless he's wearing shoes, in which case he acts like his feet are cemented to the floor. Winston is signing more & please, says more, mama, dada, ball, bottle, dog, bye, and waves, claps, gives kisses and hugs, and throws the ball. He had an IV in his right hand and was still throwing the ball with his left hand around the hospital hallway! He is starting to watch a little TV (a blessing with all these procedures) and likes things with music. He dances when he hears a song he likes, or claps along. He's a climber so we have to watch him constantly.

First: X-ray, hospital stay, IV and ambulance ride. He had four teeth with a few more close behind.

Storm brewing

2015-06-25T05:00:00.001-07:00

This morning, the sky was red when you woke up (late for you but still earlier than I'd like). I was instantly reminded of the phrase my dad taught us growing up:

"Red sky at night, sailors delight.

Red sky at morning, sailors take warning."

It was the perfect symbolism for our day; the calm before the storm. Before anyone else in the house was up and the chaos of a busy day took over, we had a few quiet moments in the orange light of your nursery, rocking and nursing. I know these days are numbered, and that they'll be done soon. I know that I will miss them. I know I'm doing what's best for you but it doesn't make me any less nostalgic for these days, these moments, these special times of just me and you.

Today will be hard for both of us. You'll forget the pain but I won't. Please know that everything we are doing is our feeble attempt to take care of you the best way we know how. I'm so thankful God gave you to us and I pray every day for Him to help me be a good steward of such a precious gift.

Thankful

2015-06-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." [Isaiah 43:2]

The past 48+ hours have been a bit ... overwhelming, I guess you could say? Emotional? Stressful? Busy, for sure. I'm not sure what the right word is. But I know the word that keeps coming up in my head.

Thankful.

I am so thankful I serve a God who has had my precious son in the palm of His hand long before he was ever on this earth. I am so thankful that He is a merciful, HEALING, comforting God who forgives me even when I forget to trust Him in all things. I am so thankful for our family's health, despite all we are going through right now. Because I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that our Lord has a plan for Winston's life and He is going to use all of this to glorify His mighty name.

Let me start from the beginning. The very beginning. I'll try to condense but feel free to skim over some of these early details.

When I was in labor with our second child, my water broke in the hospital and they noticed there was meconium in the water, so they brought in the special care nursery team. A second bag of water broke, which was clear, so they decided Winston was fine and wouldn't need any extra monitoring. I am so thankful that he had not swallowed meconium and we were able to achieve most of our birth wishes for after delivery. Delivery went well and he nursed immediately. By day two, I noticed "lipstick nipple" and had some pretty intense pain, more than what would be normal for early breastfeeding days. I kept urging the staff that he had a tongue tie, but nothing could be seen as an issue. Five days later, my nipples were bleeding and the pain of his latch brought tears to my eyes. They clipped his tongue in the pediatrician's office, but it offered me no relief. By two weeks, he was still losing weight and we added a number of tools to our breastfeeding arsenal: a hospital grade pump, bottles, nipple shields, Dr. Jack Newman's All-Purpose Nipple Ointment, a feeding syringe, an ENT (and subsequent second tongue clip with the additional lip clip), the rock 'n play sleeper, a medicine cup, reflux meds (zantac and then rantidine) ... I'm sure I'm missing a few details, but you get the picture. It wasn't pretty. I'm so thankful I had friends and professionals who took my concerns seriously and offered us ways to make breastfeeding successful. Months later, Winston was gaining weight fine but my nipples still bled off & on so I had his tongue clipped a third time in case it might help with the pain [spoiler alert: it didn't]. I eliminated dairy, then reintroduced, then eliminated again, then started reintroducing, then did a full / strict elimination. I've carried around dirty diapers in ziplock bags, I've swabbed poop into fecal sample cups, I've cleaned blow-outs off my clothes, Winston's clothes, our couch, our carpet, his sheets, his changing table, his floor, the rocking chair, the carseat, the stroller, the pack n play, the rock n play, the jumperoo, the ergo, and just about everything else he's touched. I'm thankful for other friends who have had to eliminate dairy and offered suggestions, altered meals, and helped however they could.

Fast forward to this past Sunday, June 21. Winston is 11+ months old. He has had blood in his stool off and on as a result, we're told, of the dairy sensitivity. They've always warned me that black, coffee-ground stool is a big warning sign ... and wouldn't you know what I found while changing his diaper sunday afternoon?! So we ended up in the Emergency Room for 7 hours before being transported to a larger hospital with better children's capabilities, where we were admitted for a day. I'm thankful Winston had two more stools like that at the hospital, so there was no question of what was happening, and they were able to get clear and concise cultures done.

I'm not saying this to complain, but rather to shed light on what we've been through. Maybe so I can provide some advice or solidarity to another mom who might be going down a similar road. Maybe so I can make Winston feel guilty about all he's put us through in 15 years (kidding). Maybe it's just to provide myself a reminder of all we've overcome in case the weaning hormones get me feeling guilty about our breastfeeding journey coming to an end. Either way, we've been through a lot together, but I'm so incredibly thankful for our journey over the past almost-year. I have so much to be thankful for.

Against all odds, we have never had to supplement with formula or donor milk. I'm so thankful for my commitment and conviction to nurse my children and for my God-given ability to produce enough milk for them even when Winston was not able to transfer it from the breast.
There is a wealth of knowledge (through websites, support groups, and other moms) regarding dairy elimination and every other issue we've faced. I have plenty of places to turn if I have questions, need suggestions, or just need support and hugs and to know we'll get through it.
There is a wealth of dairy-free alternatives to foods I like, and they're mostly affordable. Sure, I miss sour cream and alfredo sauce, but I've gotten accustomed to coconut milk ice cream and almond milk creamer and even goat's milk brie cheese.
Winston's "scary" diapers happened Sunday, not Saturday (London's 3rd birthday / party). They happened when I was the one who was changing him, as someone else may not have known it was a red flag. They happened while we were at home, rather than on one of our many summer trips. They also happened during the summer, while Ben's dad is off work and able to stay with London so we could both stay in the hospital overnight with Winston.
I spoke with a thorough, concerned after-hours nurse, who instructed me to go to the ER despite no other symptoms. We met thorough, concerned nurses and a doctor who didn't discount the severity of his symptoms, despite his overall healthy appearance. We were transferred and admitted to ensure that his symptoms were addressed and safely monitored. We were scheduled with a Pediatric GI specialist the day after being discharged from the hospital, had our appointment bumped up even earlier due to cancellations, and got scheduled for the scan he needs within two days.
All of the possible diagnoses that have been discussed are NOT scary! They are fixable issues. Some are hard, some require immediate action, some may be long-term. But no one has used any scary words like "cancer" or "autoimmune" or even "chronic". Whatever is ailing my sweet boy, the medical staff that's caring for him is confident that they can get to the bottom of it and fix it.
Finally, and most importantly - truly - is Winston's demeanor. He baffled every doctor who observed him with how happy and healthy he is. Despite all the blood in his stool, his blood levels are fine, he's not anemic, he needed no transfusions or IVs, his white blood count is not elevated and he has no fever. He smiled and flirted with everyone who came into his room, even minutes after being stuck 5x with needles. What we keep hearing is a possible diagnosis, followed by, "but he's too happy / healthy / gaining weight too well / developing normally for that issue". What an unbelievable blessing, am I right?

So here we are. After blood work, labs, stool samples, cultures, a chest & belly x-ray, and a lot of poking and prodding ... we still don't really know what's going on with Winston. We have a plan:

Today, we began a liquid-only diet for the next 7 days (breast milk and introducing almond milk, with the hope to be at least mostly weaned from nursing within a week). I am so thankful he is tolerating half-and-half breast milk and almond milk already!
On Thursday he'll have a scan for Meckel's Diverticulum. His GI and regular pediatrician don't think it's Meckel's, but they want to rule it out and I'm in agreement on that procedure. I do feel he has some symptoms consistent with that diagnosis but I am praying with faith that if he has Meckel's, there will be no question about it on the results of the scan, so we can treat it appropriately.
After one week, we'll begin introducing one food at a time for a week at a time until we can determine what the problem foods are. We may never know, as his gut could mature or at least calm down enough in this break to be able to tolerate whatever foods were previously causing him issues. That would be ok with me, although hard to swallow, because it means we wouldn't have to restrict his diet after the elimination period is over.

Right now I'm praying for answers. I'm praying that God shows the doctor a clear answer for Winston's diagnosis, that there is no question about what the problem is, and that the solution is quick and complete. His current diagnosis is FPIES and something within me is not comfortable with that diagnosis, so I'm praying we find a diagnosis that leaves no room for doubt or question. I'm also praying that, through whatever else comes our way, Winston remains his happy self and I remain thankful.

Thank you to those who have been supportive on our journey so far. Through your prayers, texts & phone calls, and all who have offered to help in someway (especially my friend Jess who brought me a grocery bag of dairy-free goodies to the hospital - with two kids in tow, no less!), we have felt so loved and we have gotten through this mostly unscathed. We have an amazing village to help with London when we both need and want to be with Winston. It's terrifying to see your baby getting put into an ambulance or taken for x-rays, but much less so when you have the comfort of knowing your big girl is being well cared for. I'm also very appreciative of all the advice and experience that's been offered so far regarding Winston's struggles - please keep it coming! And please please join me in praying for our sweet baby, for his complete healing.

xoxo

Winston - 10 Months

2015-06-02T04:50:00.001-07:00

Double digits, which means we are that much closer to Win's first birthday and not having a baby anymore :( I think I've subconsciously been putting this off because it just means I'm admitting to all the growing up he's been doing. That, and all the traveling we've been doing [charleston // OBX // orlando] hasn't allowed much time for blogging.

Sleeping: two naps is our goal but it rarely works out that way. He went from screaming nonstop every time we got in the car, to sleeping every time we get in the car - certainly a preferred alternative but it makes it tough to get out of the house and//or adhere to his nap schedule. I strive for a 9:00am nap [sometimes earlier if he doesn't go back to sleep after his 5:45am feeding] and a 1:30pm nap to line up with London's. Having their naps sync up is pretty much the best thing ever.

Night time, still not ideal in my mind. He goes to bed around 7 and rarely makes it much past 5:30am before waking and desperately needing to nurse. It's not terrible, but I have a hard time starting my day at 5:30. The days when he quietly falls back to sleep after a feeding & diaper change are the best days!

Eating: we are still EBF, nursing at least 5x most days. I'm trying to cut back a little but he's not having it. Winston, hear this: you will never know the sacrifices I have gone through to keep you off formula. You will never know the pain one person's nipples can endure to give their child only the best. You won't understand the physical longing I have to ignore when I decline cheese, just to keep you happy. But your future wife might. And if she does, I hope she tells you to call me and thank me right then :) in seriousness, my boy is healthy and smart and the happiest kid around, and that is worth 10 months of throbbing nipples.

As for table food, he really likes chicken, broccoli, peas, berries, puffs, purées, applesauce, okra, craisins and water from a sippy cup. In one overnight [16h] away from me he consumes 25+oz of breastmilk - dude can eat. After 3+ weeks of diarrhea / blood in his stool we are back to a very strict no-dairy // whey // casein diet :(

Activity: here's the real reason I've been putting off this update - I have to actually put it in writing that my little man is walking :( he's so grown up! He started taking 1-3 steps about a month ago, and just this week he's walking across the room. It's awesome to see how proud he is of himself, and yet still doesn't mind being carried or worn in the carrier - very different from London that way, once she took steps she was off and running!

He likes the pool, splashing in any water, throwing things and walking - though still prefers the speed of crawling. He says mama, dada, buh buh (bubbles, ball or bye bye), waves & smiles & laughs all the time. He says "mo mo mo" for more and claps any time we say "yay". And his first top (third tooth total) broke through last night - so you can imagine how much sleep I'm getting while Ben is in Colorado (read: not much).

Clothing: 18m rompers & onesies, 12m everything else. Looks like I'm going to have to invest in some "real" shoes soon.

Firsts: first trip to the outer banks! He wasn't a huge fan and honestly, I was content to keep him in the shade - my poor pale pumpkin! First trip to Florida, first graduation attended (my cousin tori was the salutation of her hs!), first steps, first Popsicle taste (I made them with Dutch chocolate almond milk, he loved them!), first time meeting uncle rich & aunt Becky, uncle pat, aunt Amy & uncle David, great Grammie, and cousin heather. First time strawberry picking (he loves them as much as his sister!), first time in a convertible car seat (he's done great!), first trip to DISNEY WORLD!! (He loved the dumbo waiting area and the tomorrowland people mover).

Measurements: He's over 21lbs and still growing & gaining well despite 4w of expelling everything he's bringing in. Oh, and the spit up has slowed down quite a lot, praise be!

Being a mom is sexy, too

2015-05-20T04:20:00.001-07:00

Since becoming a mother, I have seen countless articles, photos, and even friends' posts about how sexy guys are as dads. Good dads, to be fair - the ones that braid hair and baby wear and vacuum up ground in Cheerios. The ones that play catch in the yard after working hard all day to provide for their family. The ones who get up in the middle of those first few nights with a newborn to change diapers. I get it, it's hot. My husband is one of those dads and I couldn't love him more for it.

But where's the love for moms?! Where's the article that goes viral in support of the mom bod? Where's the praise for the strong biceps from carrying a toddler on one hip and an infant on the other, or $200 worth of groceries in one trip, or that damn 20lb baby car seat? Where's the Instagram post gushing over a mom's toned calves from chasing her three year old on the playground, or pushing a full Target cart at Olympic speeds, or running up and down the stairs 16 times every morning because WHERE ARE YOUR F-ING SHOES?!

Sure, our breasts aren't as perky as they were in college, but is that any less attractive that a poochy "dad gut"? Isn't it beautiful that we sometimes skip the gym in favor of giving baths, pouring cereal, and volunteering at the school? Seriously, where's the love for all these beautiful moms??? I'm not talking about what goes on within my home - my husband rarely, maybe never, let's a day go by without telling me in some way that he thinks I'm beautiful. But you know who posts articles & blogs about loving their post partum bodies and praising the late nights, early mornings, and day-in/day-out beauty in what moms are doing? Other moms. We have to keep validating ourselves, that we are still beautiful. A different kind of sexy, but sexy nonetheless. I'm waiting for the day when a blog post about the "mom bod" [written by a man, or better yet, a young childless woman!] spreads like wildfire in my newsfeed. But until that day comes, let me say it for you - you are sexy. You are sexier than the extra skin on your belly or the messy bun you've perfected on day three of not washing your hair. You are hot regardless of how many times you've been to the gym this week. Being a mom, a good mom, is beautiful. YOU. ARE. BEAUTIFUL.

Winston Dare is Nine Months

2015-04-14T17:16:00.001-07:00

Winston's 9th monthday was spent driving back from Virginia. I feel like we do that a lot these days! He was a trooper as we drove from Raleigh to New Jersey to Virginia and back to Raleigh. If I'm counting correctly, he's been to eight states so far with at least one more coming soon (NC // VA // MD // NJ // NY // PA // SC // FL).

Sleeping: I'm relatively sure this child will never consistently STTN. Most nights he sleeps 7pm-5am and then cries until I give up and nurse him. He's been starting his day much too early for my liking, and subsequently so has his sister. Still taking 3 naps some days but occasionally just two. He's a chronic car Napper!

Eating: big fan of waffles & pancakes, fruit, frozen fruits // veggies. Chicken, refried beans, all sorts of baby snacks // pouches. Scrambled eggs, too. Nursing is still going well, although he is ... Ahem, exploring with his new teeth.

Activity: he's starting to stand by himself a little more and gets so excited that he even tried to take a step once or twice today. No balance, though, bless his heart. He likes the walking toy and often falls to his knees but bounces back up without missing a beat. He loves waving and dancing! He also is notorious for pulling the outlet protectors out of the wall, so let's hope that means he's going to be an electrical engineer.

Clothing: still hanging tough with 12 months and hopefully will for a little while because he has a ton. I'm rarely putting him in onesies these days because he has so many cute "dressier" things. He is so long in the torso than one piece outfits are challenging, which is unfortunate because I love shorts rompers. Shorts & Pants can still be anywhere from 6m - 12m.

Firsts: [second] tooth popped through this past weekend; first trip to NY / NJ; first zoo [the Bronx]; met his cousin Lou for the first time [she was 3w]; he per a baby chick at NC State Farm days: first Easter [I put graham cracker goldfish in his eggs]; first long car trip - from NC to NJ. He had his "even Steven" day and has officially been "out" longer than he was "in". He also got to really play at Marbles for the first time!

Measurements: At his 9m appointment, he was 40th % height and weight and 90% head, ha!! Must give the perception he's bigger than he is, because people make comments about his size all the time. He's at 20lb 6oz and I feel every bit of it lugging him around.

8 months

2015-04-02T11:53:00.001-07:00

Sleeping: well, we (I) finally got desperate enough to do full-on CIO. The inconsistencies in his night time sleep were maddening. Had a few rough nights but he's mostly doing 7/7:30-6 now. Transitioning down to two naps so I'm sure that's not helping but thankfully it means a longer morning nap usually. He's a belly sleeper and snuggles into the corner of the crib most nights. Sleeps with a crocheted blanket, paci and lovie (a tiger from aunt Kiki most nights).

Eating: he is really getting into food now and it's fun to watch. Loves blackberries, raspberries, blueberries, chicken, bananas, and all carbs. Scrambled eggs with ham, pancakes, sausage are all hits. Still doing limited dairy for me and none for him.

Activity: pulling up on everything (especially unstable items), crawling fast and starting to get brave enough to stand on his own for a couple seconds. Gives kisses and babbles / shrieks all the time. Laughs a lot, particularly at London. Such a happy dude! Seriously, he still falls asleep in my arms sometimes, loves to snuggle and smile and laugh, loves to be held. He's a trooper in the car now, and still does ok in the ergo carrier. However he does a violent arching / propelling himself backwards if he's unhappy with whatever you're forcing him to do. The kid has a strong will!

Clothing: mostly 12m. We were give a ton of 12-18 month stuff in exchange for some of London's old clothes, and much of it still has the tags on! Needless to say I won't be buying anything for awhile.

Firsts: crawling, standing, first tooth. First st Patricks day (and parade !). Tons of new foods. Met his great papa and ann-ann from Florida!!

Measurements: pushing 20 lbs and long as all get out. Short legs though, who is this child?

Winston: Seven Months

2015-03-04T03:07:00.001-08:00

My little dude has been seven months for awhile now; not sure why this one took me so long to write. However I think the only answer that would've changed, depending on when I wrote it, is sleep. Ohhhh sleep. Some day! Let's start there, shall we?

Sleep: he's pretty consistently taking three naps per day, about 30 minutes each. The first is around 8:30-9am depending on wake up time, and may last a little longer than 30 minutes. This first nap is often taken in the car because of London's schedule with preschool, etc. The last nap is around 3:30-4pm and I don't see him dropping that any time soon; he's normally quite cranky by 6:00 or so. We try to get him in bed by 6:30/7pm. Out of desperation for some consistent sleep, I was recommended the Controlled Crying Technique by a friend (link: http://www.jofrost.com/controlled-timed-crying-technique-ctct/ ). We tried it about two weeks ago, had two tough nights, and then he went straight through to 6am the third night. PTL, am I right?? That happened for a few nights, but now we are back to being all over the map. He has a virus so I'm trying to be patient but also consistent. Like I said, some day we will sleep!

Eating: he loves carbs! Will grab biscuits, rolls & crackers out of our hands, and lights up when I bring out the jar of puffs. He likes canned pears, frozen peas, smoothies (I've let him try a few little sips of mine), water from a sippy cup or straw (dropped into his mouth) and banana. He also likes blueberries and grilled chicken, and frozen peach slices in the mesh feeder. We are starting to reintroduce dairy into my diet and praying it goes well!! Hoping to test at his 9m appt in April. Nursing probably 5-6 times a day (when he wakes up from naps, before bed, around 6am and sometimes when he wakes up at 7ish). I am still struggling with whether I should have his tongue re clipped, as I have been having a lot of nipple pain and some bleeding again - I just don't know if it's worth putting him through that. Would love input from anyone who has been through it!

Activity: he started crawling last week and pulling up shortly before that - uh. No thanks kid. I love the sitting-but-not-yet-mobile phase, and it was so short for him :( now London & I are experiencing the joys of having to keep things off the floor, as I've already caught him eating paper and chewing on a marker (with the cap on, but still). He still likes his jumperoo and the new ( to us ) activity table I got for $5 but he really wants something sturdy he can pull up on (and mom & dad would prefer it be something safer than the coffee table). Getting him dressed is impossible because he's trying to pull up the whole time! He can go from laying down to sitting but thankfully doesn't do it in the crib very often. He is constantly trying to stand up in the bathtub, so we've switched to using the bumbo to keep him somewhat immobilized.

Clothing: 12 months one-piece outfits but pants he still needs 9 months. I've been shopping for his Easter outfit and having a tough time finding dressy stuff in his size that won't clash with London's pink & green dress. We were so blessed with hand me down clothes from our friends Josh & Carla, so when I unpacked his 9-12 month clothes I was completely blown away by how much he has - what a blessing!! And of course he's wearing a ton of bibdanas I've made him :)

Firsts: crawling, pulling up, laying to sitting. First taste of meat: lamb, chicken; and pasta: spaghetti from amedeos! First ear infection :( he ran a fever of 103 and scared me a bit. We are OFF reflux medicine, hooray!! But the augmentin for the ear infection destroyed his tummy. He & London were making each other laugh incessantly in the car recently, and I cried tears of joy. I have been waiting for the day they could truly play / interact together and it was so awesome to experience the joy from both of them. First valentines day: He attended his first baby shower for cousin Lou, visited Fredericksburg VA to stay with our cousins Dylan & Christina (and Madison and Jacob) and ikea :) we said farewell to uncle Tyler as he left for his first deployment with the USMC. He's not talking much but he likes to yell as loud as he can to make sure everyone knows he's there. Oh, and he got to "play" in the snow for the first time - not a fan! He also gets to ride in the shopping cart and sit in high chairs at restaurants, very exciting.

Measurements: he weighed 19'8 at his most recent sick visit. No idea on length, but just assume "huge". He's as big as a 15mo we played with recently.

He's honestly the happiest sweetest kid. So snuggly and loving and smiley. We still take him into church and he does awesome through the service. And still no teeth, thank you Jesus!

Tomato & Basil Chicken Pasta

2015-01-22T19:15:00.001-08:00

It's been awhile since I blogged a recipe. Mainly because, with two young kids and a dairy-free diet, my evenings normally consist of "oh shit, it's 5:00, I have nothing thawed. Bean burritos it is!" This digs is nothing fancy, but it was delicious, toddler approved and includes a bunch of ingredients I almost-always have on hand.

Ingredients

2 thawed chicken breasts

1 large tomato, chopped into bite size pieces

1/2 box pasta of your choosing (I used penne, because I let London pick)

2 tbsp olive oil

3 tbsp non-dairy butter

1 tsp minced garlic

1 tsp dried basil

Salt & pepper

Directions

In a medium frying pan, heat olive oil on medium-low heat

While oil is heating, begin boiling a salted pit of water for pasta; once boiling, cook pasta according to directions on box

Season chicken breasts with salt & pepper

Cook in heated olive oil until browned on each side

Add tomato, basil, garlic, & butter to frying pan and stir gently until butter is melted

Remove chicken breasts from pan and cut into large slices

Mix sauce with pasta & serve, too with sliced chicken

Happy Half Birthday, Winston Dare!

2015-01-17T18:29:00.001-08:00

On Tuesday, London and I sang Happy Birthday to Baby Winston and she's been talking about his half birthday ever since. So adorable! I can't even believe he's been here a half year, fastest six months of my life. But what a joy he is!

Sleep: the dude is lucky I waited until 6m and 4d to write this update because our sleep has dramatically turned around the past few days and oh! how I'm hoping it sticks. I got a bit of a wake-up call (pun intended) at the pediatrician's office on Wednesday, came home fully committed to letting him work it out on his own, and then he slept straight though until 4:30am! I told her our struggles with him rolling onto his belly and freaking out, and she suggested it was due to the sleep sack that he was having such a hard time getting back over. So we did two pairs of footie pajamas instead of the wearable blanket (his room is still the coldest in the house) and bam! it's like night and day (ok, I'll stop with the puns). He puts himself to sleep for naps (still 4x at 30min each, though the first one is getting a little longer!) and bedtime, which is huge. He eats between 4-5am then goes back to sleep, sometimes needing a paci replaced around 6:30. I've been letting him nap with a crocheted blanket and only mildly freaking our about it ;) and he gets a lovie at bed and nap.

Eating: we introduced avocado on Tuesday evening. He doesn't love it, if we are being honest, but it took London nearly 2m to really "take" to solids so I'm just giving it time. I also gave him a green pea, which he gagged on but apparently swallowed whole (ask me how I know that...). However he's been trying to grab rolls and muffins out of our hands, haha! Soon enough my darling. Nursing is going well, he nurses probably 7x a day but is no longer nursing to sleep at all on a regular day - so huge!! I'm feeling very proud of us.

Activity: we are starting to really get the hang of sitting! Probably my favorite milestone. He rolls all over the place, scoots on his back and his belly, and uses a combination of those moves to propel himself around the room, crib, etc. Mama is not a fan of mobility, just sayin. He's just started to get his knees up under him. No words or real sounds yet but he squeals and shrieks constantly, sucks in his bottom lip, and moves his mouth while we talk. He gives open mouth kisses while grabbing my face and just looooves his big sister. He also really loves his jumperoo / exersaucer thing and goes wild jumping.

Clothing: 6mo onesies are packed away and I actually just got rid of a huge tub of the clothes he's outgrown :( baby boy Cox will look dashing in all of Win's hand-me-downs, though! 9m stuff for the most part, still holding onto 6m pants though. My mom bought him the most amazing one-piece suit thing for my Grandpa's funeral - so handsome. Also, he's wearing shoes and clothes that London wore when she was already walking ... Uh, what?!

Firsts: yet another funeral :( my grandfather, who he got to meet once in November. And what a sweet sweet blessing that was! Related, first limo ride (which he did amazing on) and first snow (relatively unimpressed). First Christmas!!! First New Year's Eve / Day / Daddy's Birthday. First NC State basketball game (they lost). First time meeting 2nd cousins Madison & Jacob (my cousin Dylan's children). Half birthday. First food(s). First time sleeping with a blanket.

Measurements: 17lbs 11oz and 54% for weight, 27.75 in and 84% height, 17.75in and 84% head. The dude is so big and strong!!

Winston is five months

2014-12-17T16:16:00.001-08:00

WOO, this past month was a doozy y'all. The day Win turned 4m, we left for Mexico, were home for two days before heading up to VA and then down to FL after just 3 days at home. My poor baby was a trooper (they both were!) but I can't over exaggerate how much I was looking forward to being home the whole month of December. And, with that stability, the hopes of getting my boy's sleep back on track were certainly fueling that excitement. So what's hs up to at five months (and 4d)?

Sleep: shew, he's a mess. Therefore we are all a mess. He started rolling back to belly a few weeks ago, which meant we had to stop swaddling. DISASTER CITY, POPULATION: 4 EXHAUSTED ECKERSONS. Lordy, he was startling himself awake every 30 minutes for the better part of the night. After 4 nights, I said eff this noise and borrowed Merlin's Magic Sleep Suit and it made a huge difference (thanks Sally !!). That, combined with the fact that we finally found a paci he'll take, made for the best nights we'd had in awhile. However, as the weeks have gone on, he's become more and more dependent on us coming in to replace the paci and give him his lovie back. Not for every sleep cycle, but some nights it feels darn close to that. The good news is that he's able to put himself to sleep for naps and has even done it at bedtime a handful of times, so I know he's capable of putting himself back to sleep too (at least in theory) and I'm hoping he'll figure it out soon.

Eating: he eats once most nights around 4am, and normally throughout the day upon waking up from naps (he's still taking 4x 30min naps most days). Weight gain is great, despite apparent re attachment of his tongue and lip tie (which has caused some pain for me but doesn't seem to be doing him much harm). I am doing a mild dairy elimination (again?!?!) to see if we can get to the bottom (pun intended) of the blood in his stools. We haven't started solids yet, despite a recommendation from our Ped to introduce rice cereal - I just don't feel like he's ready.

Activity: in addition to rolling both ways, he scoots all over if he's on the floor or in his crib. He's trying to sit up and can go a minute or so before needing to use his hands or toppling into in the boppy pillow. He's starting to show a preference for certain toys, and loves rattling things and crinkly paper. Car rides are getting slightly more tolerable, as long as we time it correctly.

Clothing: he's wearing some 9 and even 12 month pieces, though mostly 6m stuff. I love seeing him in London's Christmas onesies, although they barely fit him (and he's nearly a month younger than her when she wore them!). We've recently gotten a couple of adorable monogrammed pieces as gifts, which of course I love. And I went through all his "future clothes" bins this weekend - the dude is stocked until he's 2, I think!! We are so blessed with handmedowns (thanks Carla!!). He's still in size 2 diapers but only because I'm stubborn and want to use them up - we might skip 3s altogether for overnight, they're really way too small but I only have a few left!

Firsts: he went on his first carousel ride, train ride, and met Santa for the first time at the pullen park holiday express. Such a fun night with our little family and some dear friends.

Weight: he's 16'9" (or he was, a week ago) and 50th % for weight, YAY!!! Despite throwing up SO much still, and all of the latch / tie issues, he's still gaining on a great curve so I am incredibly thankful for that blessing. His most recent height report was 82% I think. Still definitely charting tall & lean but he's filling out and couldn't be cuter.

Winston is four months

2014-11-29T14:19:00.001-08:00

The past few weeks have been so busy and honestly pretty tough, so I'm very delayed in Win's four month update. But a lot has changed since my last post, and unfortunately not much is for the better.

Sleep: completely unpredictable. On a good night, he sleeps 6:30-3, then up again around 7:30 for the day. Sometimes also at 5. Sometimes also at 9 and midnight. I'm exhausted. The four month Wakefuls hit us early and we have not recovered. Granted, we've been traveling pretty much nonstop for 2+ weeks, so I'm hoping he'll recover some now that we are home for the month of December. Naps are still almost never longer than 30 minutes but he goes down pretty easily most of the time as long as he is swaddled and rocked and has his paci. Our goals for the next few weeks are breaking the swaddle (he is still double swaddled at night) and doing some gentle sleep training.

Eating: we are off the nipple shield, hooray! However the pain has been slowly getting worse, despite my pediatrician saying there are no teeth in our near future. Not sure if it's his chronic congestion or gas pains that cause the pulling and tugging and chomping, but it's not super fun. But his weight gain is great and he's over 15lbs and 50% (length is 80%!). We've switched him to Prilosec and it seems to help with his discomfort from the reflux. Giving daily probiotics and gas drops as needed.

Firsts: Winston celebrated his first Halloween as Tigger and went Trick-or-Treating with big sister. He was baptized, attended his first state fair, has started riding in the Ergo, and took his first trip to SC to visit aunt Kiki and meet uncle Ryan. he got to meet some of his Eckerson family in Florida for thanksgiving and some of his Harris family in Virginia, including his Great Grandmother (Ben's Nana Jeanne) and Great Grandfather (my Grandpa Herb). He also, unfortunately attended his first funeral when we tragically lost my Uncle Sean last week. And he had his first overnight (4 nights actually!) away from mom & dad while we were in Mexico.

Activity: still not rolling back to belly, but he's getting close. He is very interested in his feet and sucks on his fists all the time. He loves crinkly books & toys, bright colors, black & white, and his tiger lovie from Aunt Kiki. He's starting to enjoy his jumperoo, exersaucer and bumbo seat. Doing better in the car seat, though still cries if there's an adult sitting next to him.

Clothes: starting to move to 6m and even outgrowing some of his 6m one-piece outfits due to length. But he is still too thin for some 3-6m pants, so outfits are a challenge. Size 2 diapers but likely moving up to size 3 for night time diapers soon.

What motherhood looks like the second time around

2014-11-06T10:24:00.001-08:00

Something happens when the second children are born amongst a group of friends. It's a play date that once would've been sharing anecdotes and coffee and quietly nursing your babies, but now is a series of unanswered questions, trailing off sentences, and utter exhaustion from managing toddlers who don't quite want to share yet. It used to be easy to offer advice, share a meal and help with house chores when a friend had a new baby. Now it's "welcome to the jungle, buddy" as you take turns wiping snotty noses, popping pacis in your mouths after they fall on a floor that hasn't been swept in ... Days? WEEKS? Who can really be sure. Neither of you even know what day of the week it is, or how many times the baby woke up last night, or how many weeks old he is. You're drinking too much caffeine - lukewarm at best, leaving a baby crying in the bouncy seat to take the 2yo to the potty, and wearing at least 2-3 bodily fluids - not your own - at any given time.

But something magical happens when the second babies are born, and all of the moms start caring for all of the kids, regardless of who birthed them. You start doling out industrial size buckets of animal crackers and bouncing a newborn in each arm and not apologizing for bringing unsliced grapes. And there are a lot of tears, from the babies who can't be held as much as their older siblings and the toddlers who have ALL OF THE FEELINGS, and the overtired, overworked, overtouched mommies. But somehow, someone always has a free arm to stop your two year old from running in the parking lot or hold a pacifier in the baby's mouth while you pee for the first time in 6 hours.

It's really quite lovely to watch, as each new second baby is welcomed and each new mom of two manages her own terror with the promise that she CAN do it, because look at all these moms who already are! There's so much grace given for moms of two, so much less judgement. And so much more coffee.

The Dude is Three Months!

2014-10-13T13:46:00.001-07:00

One fourth of a year. Wow ... It feels so different than it did when London was 3 months, I think because I knew I was going back to work. While he still seems very young developmentally, the weeks have just flown by this time around.

Sleep: still doing 7.5+ hours almost every night - we even got 10h recently!! He's going down around 7:30pm these days, the same time as London most nights. Sleeps great in the crib at night and doing better for naps. I have to be vigilant about not letting him get overtired or else getting him to sleep is really tough. Sometimes still napping in the swing, out of ease / necessity. He seems to nap every 1.5-2h for about 30 minutes, so we are developing a routine which is very much welcomed in my book. Thankfully he still naps well in the carrier and occasionally can be transferred to the stroller or carseat if he falls asleep in my arms while we are out. Unfortunately needs to be rocked for naps and cannot be laid down even remotely awake - something I'd really like to work on. The middle of the night wake still takes a long time but at least it's [usually] only one time!

Eating: still using the nipple shield for most feedings, though I try to offer it without at least once a day. He is pretty inefficient at moving the milk without the shield so he gets frustrated quickly. I have about 40oz to go for me to feel comfortable with my Mexico stash, and exactly a month to do it - time to get serious!

Quirks & Habits: he wants to be holding my finger while falling asleep, and grabs at the skin on my chest while he's in the carrier or cuddling. He is such a cuddle bug, although he doesn't sleep soundly if he's sleeping in arms or next to me (or anywhere, for that matter; he's very squirmy and grunty in his sleep).

Firsts: we took Winston to his first wedding and he was a dream! Slept through the ceremony, flirted with the ladies, napped in the sling and never cried. We even kept him up past bedtime so we could enjoy the after party and he was smiling and cooing in his stroller. Amazing what a different baby he is these days! He also has taken his first stroller rides and likes the aprica but not so much the double stroller. He visited the beach for the first time and I left him with daddy for the first time (to go to a baby shower, it figures!).

Weight: last I checked, he's well over 12lbs - yay! He's even getting little thigh rolls. Up to size 2 diapers (though they're still a little big).

Activity: he's not rolling back to belly yet (thankfully, I'm not ready to stop swaddling!) and doesn't roll belly to back all the time. Still seems to enjoy tummy time, his bouncy seat and the rock n play. Still hates the car seat! He smile, talks and coos a lot, but hasn't given us a full-on belly laugh yet.

Clothes: he's moved into 3-6m though the pants are often huge so we haven't packed up the 0-3 pants quite yet. Thankfully the weather is turning so he's able to start wearing his cute hoodies and long sleeve onesies.

It's ok if you don't love it all the time

2014-10-01T11:32:00.001-07:00

I went in for Winston's two month checkup a few weeks ago, scheduled with precision to allow me enough time to run through the Starbucks drive-thru after dropping London off at preschool and still arriving ten minutes early (a feat that never happens with two young kids and a chronically late husband). After the standard weight check (11'10 WHAT WHAT!!) and brief questions with the nurse, our pediatrician greeted me the way I imagine she greets old friends. She's warm and candid and actually remembers stuff about me and my kids. We complimented each other's hair (hers, darker and mine, shorter) and talked about our parents.

And then, she asked how I was doing. Not in a "postpartum depression checklist" sort-of way, but in a genuinely concerned way that is a rarity for me to hear as a new mom of two. I told her the truth - that I was OK - and quickly, guilt overtook me for not giving a canned response about how full my heart was with this new baby, so I added in that Winston was sleeping pretty well at night, so I had a lot to be thankful for. Her response was like a breath of fresh air for my weary mama soul: "just because you have a lot to be thankful for doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time."

Winston is a tough baby, I'll be the first one to tell you that. But being a mom is tough even when your baby is "easy". And being a mom to two is even tougher. Kudos to all of you who do this three or four times because I just don't think I'm cut out for that. Yet I know that I am blessed to be at home with my littles, while other mamas have to tear their hearts into pieces each morning at the daycare drop off. And as the sleepless nights with the newborn turn into early morning wake up calls with the toddler, and as they take turns crying (or sometimes, in unison, for a lovely little chorus of ear torture), and as the laundry and dishes continue to pile up... It's hard not to let my mind wander about whether it'd be easier to go back to work. To wonder if maybe I wasn't made to be a SAHM. To feel so guilty about not enjoying every little waking moment with these tiny terrorists.

I know in my heart (especially after I've had a cup of coffee) that I love staying home with these two and I wouldn't trade it for the world. But now, when things get really tough and I feel guilty for not fully appreciating the fact that I get to be a SAHM, I'm trying to remind myself of this:

Just because you know it's a blessing doesn't mean you always feel blessed by it.

And that's ok. And it's ok to want to throw in the towel or start drinking at 2 some days. It doesn't make me a bad mom; on the contrary, I think it makes me a better one, because it forces me to take a minute and breathe deep and not strangle anyone. A day where I don't strangle anyone? I call that a win.

So, for those of you who are struggling to be thankful for staying home with your kids - whether you're willing to admit it or not - it's ok. Tomorrow will be better and one of those little psychopaths will ask to cuddle with you on the couch, and you'll thank your lucky stars you get to spend your days looking after them.

Winston is two months

2014-09-23T18:21:00.001-07:00

Two and a half actually. But who's counting. I honestly have no idea how many weeks he is at this point, so at least non-moms are spared of having to do the math when they ask how old he is.

Sleep: I really cannot [should not] complain. He does 7-8h when I put him down for the night, almost every night. We try to have him in bed by 8 or 9 which means I normally sleep from 10/11 to 4/5. And we just transitioned to the crib after his pediatrician encouraged us to try it at his two month appt. he seems to have no issues and was obviously ready to make the move this time around - Awesome sauce. Unfortunately, his wake-ups still often take awhile but I've stopped changing diapers at that time, so that helps some. And he is an early riser, so he's normally back up 2h later for the day. Naps are a whole different [sad] story. He rarely sleeps more than 15min at a time unless he's held. I try nursing, swaddling, white noise, paci, rocking. I try putting him in the crib, the rock n play, the swing. He either wakes up immediately upon being put down or 10-15 minutes later and we repeat the whole song & dance 2-3 more times until I give up and let him be awake.

Eating: nursing is going very well, all except for the fact that we are still using the nipple shield and he is an extremely noisy eater; put those two together, and discreetly nursing in public is just not possible. Oh, and he wants to eat constantly / very frequently. But my nipples have finally healed and he's obviously transferring milk well. I'm down to only pumping once a day and not even every day; mostly to prepare for our trip to Mexico in November. I had previously cut out all dairy due to an apparent milk protein sensitivity, and did that for about 1.5m but his pediatrician doesn't feel like it's helping enough to make it worth it , so I'm slowly reintroducing in small quantities. I have noticed a difference in his demeanor since starting him on Zantac for reflux (about a month ago) but he still spits up a ton - he's just not as bothered by it now!

Weight: my peanut is now 11lb 10oz and in the 43%!! Such huge improvements from when we were panicking at his 2w checkup.

Height: I think he's destined to be tall & thin like his daddy; he's 23 3/4" and 75% for length.

Activity: he still enjoys hanging out in the rock n play so he can be moved from room to room. He has to be around people constantly. Hates the car seat though he seems to be getting just a tiny bit better about being able to sleep in it (which I have to wonder is reflux related and thus being improved by the right medication dosage). He likes the play may for short periods and doesn't mind tummy time at all. Starting to tolerate the bouncy seat, swing and bumbo. Loves the mobile! He started scooting around his crib at night which I'm a little nervous about, but not rolling yet.

Firsts: he took his first trip to virginia (which was miserable considering he cried almost the whole trip there and back) and met my dad for the first time. He also took his first flight and did AWESOME. So awesome that people around us complimented how well he & London did. We flew to Pittsburgh so he got to meet the "Erie Elwells". He had his first outing with dad - to the beer store, of course. I've still not been away from him for more than 15 minutes [hangs head]. And most importantly, he has started smiling definitively (around 6w) and coos / talks a lot. He is a very happy baby for about 15 minutes at a time until he gets hungry or his tummy gets upset.

Clothes: it's almost time to dig out the 3-6m clothing because my tall boy is starting to outgrow his 0-3 onesies! They either barely snap or pull down on the neck, and let's be real, a scoop neck onesie isn't so flattering on a little boy.

Winston is One Month

2014-08-21T06:42:00.001-07:00

Poor kid. I just don't even have time to shower, much less blog. But I want to make sure I keep record of his first year just like I did for London, so here's a snapshot of Winston Dare's first month.

Sleeping: right around a month, we started getting some 4h stretches of sleep which quickly turned to 5h. When I think about the nights that he was up every 25m, 5h straight is amazing! That's what London was doing at this age, too. It makes such a difference. I just need to do a better job of going down when he does! We normally do Jammies & swaddle around 10pm and he'll sleep until around 3, then it takes a long time to get him back down (sometimes almost 2h) and then he sleeps another 2-3h. There's a skylight in his room and I think that may contribute to his morning waking, because he seems to do better on days when it's cloudy or raining. He is sleeping in the Rock 'N Play, which I hate. We were so big on only ever letting our kids sleep in their crib, but he spits up so much that he needs the incline. At least he's in his nursery - he is the noisiest sleeper ever so there is no way we could room share. Naps are a total crap shoot with this kid. Sometimes he falls asleep nursing and I'm able to transfer him to the couch / bed, or even the RNP, but rarely. He sleeps to prefer belly sleep for nap, which means I basically have to stand there and watch him the whole time. Car naps are a rarity and even more so that I'm able to bring him inside and stay asleep. He looooves to sleep in the ring sling - thank God for a sweet friend who loaned it to me because the kid lives in that thing! The days when he does nap midday (not on me) I try to kid a 30 minute nap while both kids are asleep. So needless to say, my house chores are being really neglected these days!

Eating: we are still using the nipple shield for all feeds, but are weaning away from the bottle so I'm thankful for that. At 2w our schedule was: nurse, bottle feed, nurse, bottle feed, pump - it took about 1.5h and I did it every 2.5h. Exhausting!! We are quickly moving to just using the bottle for bedtime feeds to make sure he's well fed before sleeping. I returned the hospital grade pump (that thing is awesome!) but I'm going to try to pump once a day most days, to help stock up for our trip in November.

Weight: At two weeks, he was down to 7lb 6oz but had grown almost an inch to 21.6" long. We began the pumping / bottle feeding regiment that day and he started gaining weight immediately. We got his tongue & lip clipped shortly after that and his weight gain continued! A few days shy of one month, he was up to 8'12, a full pound over his birth weight.

Activity: getting some sleep smiles, but not as much as I wish and no sleep laughter. I swear he's smiled while awake though! He enjoys and does well with tummy time, and has great neck strength - we're working with the chiropractor to make sure it stays even. He puts up with a ton of kisses from big sister and loves to be worn in the ring sling anywhere we go. He's been to church and out to dinner, to Marbles kids museum, library story time and parks.

Clothes: he's already outgrowing the newborn onesies because of his length - gonna be tall & thin like his daddy! He's worn several things that belonged to London, a sleeper that was Tyler's, and even an outfit that belonged to Ben! London loves to pick out his bibs and insists he wear shoes. Poor kid, at least he'll be stylish! I do try to put him in bins every day because of all the spit up, poor darlin.

Here's hoping the second month gets a bit easier, these were a tough four weeks! But I love this sweet little man and I can't wait to get to know him more.

Winston Dare: The Birth Story [part two]

2014-08-18T01:45:00.001-07:00

I left off with asking for the epidural, which felt appropriate because it seems to be a turning point in my labors. I guess my body just needs that relief to relax and progress on its own. After finally requesting it, every minute seemed to crawl by. I prayed during each contraction that it would be the last one before the epidural.

Side note, is it just me or are anesthesiologists kind-of mean? The one I saw with London was fine but this guy was a jerk; when he finally showed up, he was snapping at the nurse and wasn't particularly friendly to me either. I think I had 4-5 more contractions while waiting on him to get everything set up once he was in the room - let me tell you how hard it is to labor while bent over the side of the bed and not allowed to move. (Hint: really freaking hard!)

Once it was in (just like with London, I didn't find it terrible to have put in!), I was able to relax and calm down - I even did my makeup! At that point, somewhere around 7:30am on Sunday, I was at 5cm so I was hoping things would move along quickly - which they did, just not as quickly as I would've hoped! At some point my water broke and they found meconium, so the nurse (who, while very sweet, was brand new to the hospital which meant extra staff, extra questions, and a few other issues along the way) alerted us he would likely have to go straight to the special care nursery. Not exactly a great thing to hear when so many of my birth wishes revolved around the first few minutes after he was born! Honestly though, I was really calm about the whole thing and didn't let myself freak out about it (thanks epidural!) because it was 100% out of my control ... That doesn't sound like me, does it?! But I really don't think I brought it up at all to Ben, or if I did it was just talking about what that meant. So, a pat on the back for my type A self giving up control.

Things progressed, slowly and uneventfully. Where, with London, they were saying "you'll have a baby by dinner. No lunch. No breakfast. Just kidding she's here!", with Winston it was more "sometime tonight. This morning. Hopefully today?" but again, I didn't freak out too much. It gave us time to name him and for me to do my makeup (a luxury I didn't have during my labor with London). They worried I may need pitocin, as the fluids that accompanied my epidural really slowed things down, but once those had run though te labor picked back up again and thankfully didn't have to be augmented.

We updated our parents of my progress at various points. I sipped ginger ale and had a Popsicle at some point, another luxury I was not offered the first time. I may have even snuck a piece of candy that I had packed for Ben. It was all very casual and calm, until they decided it was time for me to push. Yes, THEY decided. Issue number one, right? Before I knew it, they were wheeling in warmers and tables and FOUR nurses (plus Dr. Segal & me and Ben in a suddenly-very- tiny delivery room). The temperature jumped about 20 degrees and Ben nearly passed out from the chaos and heat.

Another stark difference in my deliveries; with London, it was calm & quiet, one nurse and the doctor, both of whom we loved. I felt totally in control, even though I was in pain and overwhelmed, I had the reigns. This time, I didn't know the names of half the people in the room, there were questions being asked and orders being given, and they were telling me when and how to push. It all felt very medical and scary. I had no feeling whatsoever in one leg, and absolutely no pressure or need to push. As they began to coach me through some "practice pushes", Dr. Segal discovered there was another bag of waters that needed to be broken. Luckily, this one was clear (no meconium) so they said it was likely he would NOT have to go straight to the NICU (praise God!).

I'm thankful that it wasn't too long or painful but it was extremely disheartening to not feel in control of Winston's delivery. I really don't remember how long or how many times I pushed, but it was less than 30 minutes. They wheeled out the mirror to help me focus my pushing, so I was able to watch him be born, all purple and gooey and tiny and perfect. So tiny, I kept saying; he's so tiny (he wasn't; 3oz bigger than his sister! but tiny in comparison to the 30lb toddler I was used to lugging around, yes). He didn't have nearly as much hair as we expected but his head was a lovely shape and his tiny lips favored his daddy. Actually, everything did - almost immediately I noticed how he looked just like Ben!

They immediately put him on my chest and he latched right away while his umbilical cord was still pumping; such an amazing feeling. He nursed while I delivered the placenta - much easier than the first time! - which they preserved to be encapsulated for me. We kept his arrival and his name to ourselves as we chatted with the nurses through his bath, measurements, tests, etc. and got to know our new son. He had no problems finding his voice and had a sweet raspy cry just like London's.

We made it back to our recovery room just in time for the start of the World Cup championship game, and he was introduced to his immediately-smitten big sister and the rest of our family & friends via social media. He was just perfect, and our family was complete! We are so lucky to have our beautiful girl and our handsome boy, both healthy and happy.

Winston Dare: The Birth Story [part one]

2014-08-12T12:17:00.001-07:00

Oh, second babies. You get shafted in so many ways. I mean, sure, there's the benefit that your parents are more relaxed and you'll probably get away with more stuff in the long run, but the downside of that is hand-me-down onesies with spit-up-stained necks and me popping your pacifier in my mouth after it falls on the floor instead of sterilizing it in a steamer. So, you know, I'm sorry. But I digress, it's a month (boohoo!) tomorrow since this kid was born and I have yet to blog his birth story. Or make a single entry in the baby book. I remember feeling guilty that I wrote about London's birth story too late and I think it was only two weeks. Yeah, second kid syndrome. Anyway, here it goes. May be a multi-part story depending on how long the kids sleep... Praise God for both kids napping at the same time, am I right?

My cervix started to dilate & thin out at my 36 week check-up, which I thought was a great sign considering it never did either of those on its own with London. As it turns out, it meant nothing, because I was somehow LESS dilated & effaced at my 39 week check-up (which was a Friday). I asked the doctor if she could strip my membranes, and was told my cervix was too high for her to reach, so basically "good luck, you're going to be pregnant forever!". She to me to expect some irregular contractions that day but that they meant nothing, so I ignored them for the rest of Friday and most of Saturday. Ben volunteered to take London out to his parents' house so I could run some errands & relax, so I spent Saturday leisurely getting ready and checking items off my to-do list, sans toddler, which was basically a Caribbean vacation at 39w pregnant.

By Saturday afternoon, I noticed the contractions seemed to be coming a bit closer together. Ben was painting the changing table while London & I made brownies, when I told him casually I was going to start timing them. Eight minutes, ten minutes, sometimes twelve. I thought / hoped this was the very early beginnings of labor! I continued to contract as we went to a friend's house for appetizers and drinks (I even had a hard cider!) but was able to work through them so I knew I had awhile to go. When a friend of ours asked about the baby pool, I (only halfway) jokingly told him to pick tomorrow! We came home & put London to bed, and when the contractions started coming closer together, the on-call OB advised we come in to make sure he was head down.

The problem with a second baby is that you can't just quietly sneak over to the hospital to see if you're in labor, saving yourself the false alarm embarrassment from family and friends. Someone has to sit with the first baby (who was sound asleep and oblivious to the impending arrival of her baby brother). We had friends come over while we went to Rex (I was tidying up the house before they arrived - should've known it wasn't the "real" thing!) and the doctor & nurse confirmed that there was no change from the day prior - too high to even check dilation, not in labor, you're going to be pregnant forever, etc. So frustrating and embarrassing for a second time mom who had been having regular contractions for eight hours!

We sent our friends home and got into bed, with the discouraging news that these quasi-contractions could last for days or longer! No sooner had I fallen asleep than an intense cramp woke me up. I couldn't lay down, couldn't stand up, couldn't find a comfortable position. It passed, I fell back asleep, then another one. And another. I asked Ben to help me time them because they were so intense - three minutes apart. I was sick to my stomach and had terrible cold chills, and I remember telling Ben, "If this isn't labor, I think I have the flu!". After a few hours of alternating between the bathroom and being doubled over our bed, he suggested I take a shower - I think it took me 45 minutes because I kept having to stop & brace myself on the wall. Each contraction, I prayed to let them be "real" (productive) or let them stop. Around 3:30am we decided to call the doctor back (who reluctantly instructed us to come back in) and Ben's parents (who drove 40 minutes to stay with London). At this point, the contractions had been around three minutes apart for close to four hours. They started to build, one right on top of the other. I could barely move, much less speak, and I thought for sure I was going to walk in and have them tell me I was 6 or 7 cm dilated.

The drive to the hospital was excruciating (I remember asking Ben to drive carefully but quickly!). The look from the hospital security guard, knowing we had just been sent home a few hours earlier, was almost as painful! But when the head nurse, who was our angel delivery nurse with London, saw me come back in, she took us back to the room without any questions and could tell I was in active labor. This was encouraging, I thought ... Wrong. Three freaking centimeters. After two days of contractions I had progressed a centimeter?! But baby was head down and engaged, so that was something, and they were willing to let me stay even though I wasn't at 4cm yet (which is their normal policy). With that discouraging news, I began to heavily consider an epidural, which I finally got about two hours after getting checked. After hours of that intense pain, I just didn't want to do it anymore. I was hoping for a natural labor this time, but I was also hoping for the super quick second-baby labor the nurses & doctors kept talking about - so since that wasn't happening, I went ahead and asked for the drugs.

[to be continued]

Terrific Two's

2014-08-03T11:15:00.001-07:00

London is so ... Two. She's defiant, stubborn, messy, and constantly negotiating with us to get her way. But she's also so clever and funny. Today, she was in the playroom with Ben while I was in the living room with Winston. She climbed up to the piano and gave the following performance:

"First, itsy bitsy spider!

The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.

Down came the rain and washed the spider out.

Now London knows my ABCs!"

19 days into our journey

2014-07-31T13:14:00.001-07:00

... Which could also be called "I get it now" or "a lesson in humility".

I've posted before about how much I loved being able to breastfeed London. The benefits I found from it, the convenience and bonding it allows. While I tried very hard not to ever be too "in your face" about breastfeeding, I was open about it and also about how important I think it is. So it's only fair for me to be open about my breastfeeding journey thus far with Winston.

I didn't understand why mothers chose formula. I knew that it was often not so much a choice as it was a Plan B when breastfeeding didn't go well for whatever reason. And I tried to be respectful and not overtly judge any mother for how she saw fit to feed her baby. But inside, I thought it was a selfish decision not to at least try to nurse. And I didn't understand why a mom would go straight to formula without really giving breastfeeding much effort.

I get it now.

It's easy to say "breastfeeding is hard" but it wasn't really that hard for me so it was an easy decision, for the most part, to stick with it and stay away from formula. I didn't fully appreciate how easy my breastfeeding relationship with London was.

I get it now.

I understand why mothers walk away from it. As I sat in my son's nursery at 2am, 5 days postpartum, delirious from feeding every 25 minutes all night, holding a baby who refused to be put down, crying from exhaustion and throbbing, cracked & bleeding nipples ... I would be lying if I said I didn't hate nursing a little. And no one would've blamed me for offering him some formula in that moment.

Well, no one except for over zealous breastfeeding moms who say they don't judge, but secretly are a little bit judgey. Moms like me. The me from two years ago would've blamed me. And that's not cool. So I'm saying it here, not that any of you need any approval from me or anyone else, but I think it needs to be said: I'm sorry.

I'm sorry if I gave you a disappointed look as you pulled up to the check-out counter in Target with Similac in your cart, while I purchased breast pads and lanolin.

I'm sorry for shaking my head at the Facebook picture of your husband feeding your newborn a bottle, as I nursed my daughter for the 5th time that night.

I'm sorry for assuming you didn't give it your absolute hardest try before making the decision that was best for your family. I'm sorry for assuming you didn't lose sleep over introducing formula. I'm sorry for assuming there wasn't an underlying factor that made it damn near impossible for you to continue a healthy breastfeeding relationship. And I'm sorry for even giving it a second thought because it's none of my damn business how you choose to feed your baby.

But please know that I get it now.

Winston latched immediately after birth. The nurses were impressed at the fact that he stayed on the breast for close to 40 minutes in our delivery room. The lactation consultant called his latch "beautiful" and offered little advice other than congratulating me on how much colostrum I had already. By day two, I was sore but my milk had started to come in, so I assumed all was well and normal, that the first few days of breastfeeding are supposed to be painful and I knew it would get easier. By day three, I began to suspect something wasn't right, and at our pediatrician appointment on day 4 I knew there was something off. But after our third pediatrician and two lactation consultants, as well as multiple hospital nurses, said everything was normal, I went home and waited for it to get better.

By our follow up appointment on day 6, my nipples were cracked and bleeding. I cried almost every time he latched. The pain was toe curling, like he had a mouthful of razor blades and was chomping my nipple off. I took prescription strength Motrin around the clock to get through the next nursing session. I tried different holds, re-latching, massaging, everything I could think of to help with the pain. They offered to clip his frenulum, which was heartbreaking for me and offered no improvement in the nursing. The following week, he started losing weight. I got desperate. I introduced a nipple shield, and a prescription cream to help heal the sores, neither providing much relief from his bad latch.

At his two week appointment, he was continuing to lose weight and I was devastated. I had cried every day since his birth. I felt like I was failing him as his mother, and I was frustrated that all my effort seemed to be for nothing. After attempting to finger / tube feed with little success, we decided to start a regiment of pumping & bottle feeding. So now, our routine is bottle feeding 1.5oz of breastmilk, nursing until he falls asleep , bottle feeding another ounce of breastmilk, nursing again, and then I pump to try to keep up with him. I'm still using a nipple shield to nurse, a special slow flow nipple to bottle feed, a hospital grade pump, and I'm up for an hour and a half every 2.5 hours. And while I am proud that he is still exclusively breastfed and finally gaining weight, it is HARD. If breastfeeding wasn't so damn important to me, I'd probably have thrown in the towel by now.

So for those of you who have had similar struggles, or worse, or maybe not at all ... And you've chosen to stop breastfeeding ... I get it. And I'm sorry if I didn't offer you more support in your journey, whatever that looked like.

[almost] two weeks with Winston

2014-07-25T14:23:00.001-07:00

I really need to blog his birth story and my 39w update, but for now, here's a random collection of thoughts on where we are with this little man.

I'll start by saying, he's adorable. So sweet and cuddly. Loves to be held or worn. Likes being swaddled and white noise. Doesn't like having his diaper changed or a bath. He's done really well with some of our errands so London is able to have some sense of normalcy in her life (we've been to story time twice and went to Marbles today!).

Nursing him is one of the hardest things I've ever done. By Day Five, my nipples were cracked and bleeding and the pain was so bad I couldn't shower without crying. Every time he latched was torture. To date, we've seen four Lactation Consultants, three Pediatricians and a Chiropractor. We had his frenulum clipped last Friday in the hopes that it might help (it didn't) so, much to my dismay, I'm using a nipple shield and Newman's All Purpose Nipple Ointment to try to help the nips heal until his latch gets stronger. He's not effectively emptying the breast so I'm basically massaging the milk into his mouth at every feeding. I've had multiple clogged ducts already. It's a struggle, y'all. The good news is, I have such an awesome support system who has provided me a world of suggestions to try - I'm so fortunate that these difficulties are happening with a second baby because I know what to do and who to talk to. At this point, I would really appreciate prayers for solid weight gain at his 2w appt on Monday. Otherwise, I'm taking it one feeding at a time.

In a related note [I think], he's sleeping horribly. I often fight with him for 2-3h trying to get him to sleep longer than 15m at night. He can't stay awake long enough to get a good nursing session, so he wakes up hungry a few minutes after I lay him down. I'm slightly embarrassed to admit he slept in the rock 'n play for most of the night but I got 2x 2h stretches of sleep so that makes it a little easier to swallow the fact that he's not in his crib.

My recovery has not been ideal, what with a 2x second degree tear and the fact that I'm certainly overdoing it, chasing a two year old and trying to keep up with at least a little bit of housework. The uterine cramping has been much worse this time and my bleeding seems to be worse as well. I've been taking Motrin pretty much around the clock to combat the cramps & breast / nipple pain, and taking advantage of a 30m nap with the boy while L takes her nap.

I'm trying to give him and myself some grace, since we are less than two weeks postpartum and having so many feeding issues, but it's hard. Real freaking hard. Add a wild toddler who's acting out and having lots of potty accidents and you can understand my patience is a bit thin, at best. Several nights I've only gotten two hours of sleep. But, again, we have an amazing support system of friends and family who have been feeding us and coming to entertain London so I can focus much of my energy on getting this boy fed, a blessing for which I'll be eternally grateful. All I can do is keep feeding the baby and thank God for each day we all survive! I know it'll get easier (at least I am clinging to that hope!) and that I'll miss this sleep-deprived, snuggly newborn days, but when you're in the thick of it, it's hard to remember that.

Thanks to everyone who has wished us well, sent gifts or cards, brought a meal or cup of coffee, or just played with London for a few hours. We wouldn't be able to do it without you !