Q no U

Major Life Changes No One Asked For

2021-02-07T14:04:00.001-05:00

Three and a half years ago we moved to the Cleveland area to provide care for Tony's elderly mom. In our endeavor to provide the best care for her health and well being we learned the system in the county she lived in woefully and legitimately terrible. One Thanksgiving we packed her off to Tony's sister's place in Florida for the holiday season, and she stayed. This has proven to be a boon for their mother, for she's getting the best healthcare she's ever had access to in her life.

Tony and I have had a couple of years to ourselves, enjoying our time together as much as possible, pandemic aside. We live in a house we mostly like, in a city we mostly like, and were making plans to move closer to friends in Pittsburgh.

And then... my stepdad had a massive stroke and I was called to action, I was with my mom by his side in Phoenix AZ a mere 12 hours later. It was there that I leaned my mother is living with an advanced illness and is not capable of making big decisions. I got my brother on the phone and we made the big decision to cease life support, Bob passed within a few minutes. When I got our mom home I got a call from her doctor explaining the extent of mom's illness and what kind of care she requires. We've been together ever since.

An aspect of adult life neither of us have had to deal with before

My brother and family were with us for a week, together he and I tried our best to hash out plans, and determine next steps, as this is an aspect of adult life neither of us have had to deal with before. It's taken a little bit of time for us to decide as a family what's best for her extended care and well being, and we've concluded that Tony and I will live with her forevermore.

We pitched the idea of moving her to Pittsburgh with us, (we were contingent on an amazingly cool place, surprise!), but she firmly declared she doesn't want to be so far from my brother, grandkids, and other family in the West, and we agree PGH is too far away from her loved ones. That said, mom would like us to move into her big beautiful house in AZ for the foreseeable future.

There has been a lot of discussion with my brother about moving mom, (Tony and I) back to the PNW to be closer to the kids, we all want this for the sake of the whole family, however, right now mom wants to be here in her house for calm reflection and time to get through the next steps, however long that needs, and we're here for her. Things seem to be a bit soft around the edges right now and we may be shifting accordingly.

Why none of us thought to fly back escapes all of us

Mom and I drove back to Cleveland so that Tony and I can pack up our house - why none of us thought to fly back escapes all of us, it would have been so much easier. Regardless, here we are.

Productive Procrastination

I'm trying to get work done while packing, and it's all going slow. I'm half procrastinating, half sinking into my safe retreat, sewing things we don't really need to help me clear my mind. This week I've finished a doll (and sold it), tried several different methods of making scrunchies, cat toys, (planned scrap busters that will utilize a ton of fabric I just acquired), and now I'm making place mats and napkins because apparently the table isn't set without them.

I do however, need to actually be productive in packing, rather than procrastinating. I swear every box I've packed I've had to unpack because I need something out of it to fill and order. So that's going well.

And the for the scrunchies, these are available in my shop, there are actually three listings for different options.

Right now I don't think I can responsibly go back to sewing, I must actually make progress on packing. I'm going to start in a room not my sewing room so that I can feel like I'm achieving something. Goal, six boxes, just six, and then I can get back to sewing.

Serious question, gentrification, micro-colonization or something eles?

2020-02-11T18:58:00.002-05:00

Serious question: How do low-income/poor white (artists or otherwise) move into a place they can afford, and thrive within it without that equating to gentrification? I understand gentrification as a concept as well as a defined word and I see it bandied about both correctly and incorrectly all over the place.

I've seen every neighborhood I've ever lived in suffer from gentrification. Initially, the changes are slow, an aspiring kid buys a house they can afford, another builds a neighborhood cafe, restaurant or bar they want to hang out in and eat at, another sees the crumbling old movie house and wants to bring it back to life. Innocent well-meaning stuff that supports the place they live. Maybe the neighborhood is cheap-ish making financing reasonable, so maybe restoring the place is feasible. That's nice. When does this slow creep of improvement become a tipping point to gentrification? Is the next step limited to the impact developers may make on a neighborhood?

What about the streets (in Seattle) that were built as retail hubs a hundred years ago that sat fallow for decades that are now bustling with new shops and eateries (19th ave E, Ballard Ave, Airport Way S), I'm certain not because the location was hot but because the buildings were cheap and now the neighborhood is "gentrified". Is it that those business owners are perceived as white and male by default? Or is that something else? Revitalization? Is that dangerous? What if this revitalization if happening at the hands of lifetime neighborhood residents who want to reclaim their stomping grounds? Is that gentrification? Is gentrification as a word being used to stand in for something like a micro-colonization?

How can artists, artisans, and small business proprietors thrive in a place and make it comfortable, (v. (gentrifies, gentrifying, gentrified) renovate and improve so that it conforms to middle-class taste. -adj. make more refined or dignified) for themselves and their neighbors without being seen as an act of gentrification? Is "middle-class taste" the death-nail? What about dignified, is that the exclusive territory of white folks? Why or why not?

A Few Things I Would Tell My Younger Self:

2018-12-29T19:32:00.003-05:00

photo unrelated

It’s ok to wear red with red hair. Whomever told you that is wrong.
Moisturize your face, neck and chest, then follow with sunscreen.
Convenience isn’t King. Sometimes the hard way really is the right way. One and done, permanent press, two in one, automatic, instant, meh. Looking good, feeling good, tasting good etc., if good results require more effort, so be it.
A haircut isn’t a reward it’s a necessity.
Take yourself on adventures.
You have ADHD and learning disabilities, what works for other people probably doesn’t work for you, keep working on your own systems.
Read the news every day.
When someone tells you you're intimidating it's their problem, not yours.
It's OK to be interested in as much as you want to be interested in, absorb it all, practice as much as possible, and master what makes you happy. You don't have to pick one thing like everybody continues to assert.
Figure out how to be your own boss.

Cleveland Rocks

2017-10-18T17:09:00.003-04:00

We moved to the Cleveland area specifically to be with Tony's elderly mom to provide her daily care.

We've been here a whole week and I'm writing to say Tony is an amazing human being and continues to amaze me with his boundless love. The devotion, love and attention he's presenting to his mom, and the care he's giving to her home is full of magic. Joan most definitely wanted for more care, her needs are and will continue to be fulfilled with love.

Dear Seattle; You're doing it wrong.

2017-10-01T17:36:00.000-04:00

Dear Seattle;

You're doing it wrong.
Exhibit B:

New construction, living space and a studio-workshop that's almost as big as the dwelling, at a reasonable rent, utilities included, pets allowed, and has in-unit laundry. Sure it's unglamorous, and it's a live work dream come true.

The price point for this house is at the lower end of the rental spectrum for similar sized spaces (850 sqft living space) in the Bywater, you could rent a place in the area for $800 which would be less than half the size, or a regular ol' family dwelling (about 1000 sqft) for $2200. Home prices are $225-1M in the immediate area, with that in mind $1500 rent is pretty reasonable for new construction. The next neighborhood closer in to the city, the Marigny, real estate prices jump into the multi millions for homes that have been restored (high end) or a livable fixer-uper at the low end (310K), and far too many of those homes are AirBnB rentals driving up the rental market by thinning out the available units. Good for the owner, bad for the residents of the city.

Is it gentrification? Maybe, historically the neighborhood has always been diverse, beginning in the 20th century there have been a few waves of movement due to construction that displaced bohemian types from other parts of town to the Bywater area, in the 40's, 80's, 90's and post Katrina.

Overall gentrification of New Orleans is a double edged sword, post Katrina presented landlords and property owners with promises, some of which were fulfilled, thousands of empty lots through out the city are owned by the state, and city housing authority, still another thousand remain uninhabitable since the storm. This glut of vacant development ready lots has been attractive to developers rather than individuals looking to build their own homes on cheap land. In other parts of town (entertainment districts) retirees and baby boomers are swooping to purchase second homes bringing their tax dollars and spending money to the community. New, upwardly mobile families who'd previously committed to living in suburbs are staying in town buying low and doing home improvements and restoration projects themselves changing the face of older neighborhoods one house at a time. With new job creation in the city there's been a reversal the long trickling population drain, there are job growth is giving people reasons to stay, and drawing new folks into to town. I'd wager the lists circulating on the internet lauding NOLA as a great place for artists to live because it's inexpensive (compared to what?), has a good art market and the number of creative jobs are higher than the national average (NCAR Arts Vibrancy Report, 2017). New Orleans like NYC, SF LA, and now Seattle are the nations big metro areas deemed best for the Arts in several categories including Art Providers (artists and creative workers), Art Dollars, (revenue and compensation), and Government Funds, which if the current administration has it's way, we'll all lose regardless of where we live.

This city is culpable here as well, it could initiate low income housing incentives, develop affordable housing, partner federal grants with housing initiatives to help keep people in the affordable homes they already occupy as new development happens around them. NOLA got the short end of the stick post Katrina, 13 years later, the city is still recovering. In place of the federal support New Orleans was promised, development companies have swooped in to take advantage of the post disaster opportunities, promising redevelopment of schools and other community resources only to raze and build new housing with higher rents and purchase prices. At the heart of the gentrification of New Orleans, developers and city policy create a perfect storm.

As an artist, I have spent a lot of time thinking about where I may relocate my family where we won't be perceived as a component of gentrification. The more I learn about the roots of gentrification, I am assured the creatives are not the problem.

$2200 / 321 sqft Studio, a vintage building "revitalized"!

2017-07-08T18:38:00.000-04:00

$2200 / 321 sqft Studio, a vintage building "revitalized"!

Seattle, you've jumped the shark.

Seattle you were once an affordable and wickedly cool place to live. Now you "revitalize" what were reasonably affordable buildings by subdividing livable spaces into a micro apartments the size of a camper, for the low low price of, triple the cost of the larger apartments they once were.

I went away to college, in that time you've changed so much I hardly recognize you. I've been dreaming of going home to you my beloved hometown. I gave you so much of myself, we made some beautiful things together, I was really looking forward to sharing what I've learned while I was away, teaching, capturing your stories and making new art together. You've nipped and tucked everything that made you interesting. Good luck Seattle! I hope you find what you're looking for, and I hope that you somehow manage to survive without the depth and richness you once had.

Seeing how you've changed so much, I'm absolutely sure I'll never go home, we've simple grown too far apart.

Goodbye my love, you'll be missed

Warmest regards,
Natural born Seattlite (1968)

I expect and accept inflation, and I accept that I don't know all of the factors involved in the rent hikes (like the details of property taxes). What I DON'T UNDERSTAND is why developers are trying to make "luxury" micro units. Does a 321 sqft place really need marble surfaces and a heated bathroom floor? I'd trade that marble for lower rents in a heart beat, concrete is fine, really.

Hows about some non-luxury apartments for a lower price point?

This isn't a new "problem" I'm old enough to remember the pre-Westlake and the pre-Bus Tunnel downtown (I Mangnum anybody?). Some of downtown was a legit shit show, the initiatives and development that happened around 2000 homogenized the Pike-Pine, 1st-3rd blocks in a way that made a lot of people uncomfortable, e.g. stripping out the adult clubs to put in good clean family friendly stuff was the beginning of this change and that was nearly 20 years ago. Then Belltown happened where the buildings creatives were occupying were replaced with hi-rises that sat empty for up to 7yrs, and then, and then, and then... development has been creeping over the city in a lot of good ways. Small local businesses have benefited tremendously from the "revitalization" and the tech industry has drawn a lot of talent to the city which has boosted the cycle of economy for the city. My concerns are that the encroaching development is scraping away everybody without highly desirable tech skills, replacing Seattle cultural epicenters, the people who created those spaces and the work that came out of them. I appreciate progress, yep, sure do. What I don't appreciate is the hovering attitude that every denizen of Seattle must keep up or get out. The service sector is being squeezed out, and forced to pay to commute for the privilege of working. Now, I am not a service worker, I'm an upper management, director level arts professional, and when I look at the cost of living compared to the highest possible pay I may generate as a non-tech professional, I'm scared away. I don't want to participate in a community that is actively scrubbing the place clean.

And it's not just Seattle, I'm seeing these massive rent hikes and luxury reimaginings of tiny apartments in other rental markets as we scout the country looking for a place to move (that isn't Seattle). Lots of tiny-lux, everywhere. It seems like the tiny-lux rents are pulling up the market rate for everything else as well, so even the average places and shit holes are becoming expensive too.

Interestingly, where we live now was $800 when we moved in and will be rented to the next tenant for $1300, in one year. The market rate for the are was $1200 last year, so an increase of some kind was to be expected, but to rent this dump, with a new laminate floor (which covers over sagging water damage) over the market rate is ridiculous.

In contrast, one could buy a house in our area the same size as our apartment for $30-60K, of course there are "better" houses in "better" neighborhoods, but the disparity between rents and home prices is pretty striking.

Chasing Dreams Be Like...

2017-07-06T22:37:00.002-04:00

Out In The Woods Alone

2017-02-10T18:32:00.000-05:00

This morning's shower thought: I have been thinking about WTF am I doing with my life, WTF have I done to myself... I remembered back to when I was starting college for photography and my brother asked me, "Why don't you go into that fashion program at SCCC?" and I said, "I already know how to do all that I want to learn something new." On to the shower thought. I thought... "What if he was right? I should have gone into that damned fashion program." If nothing else I would have the critique experience and a credential for the thing I've been doing for literally 40 years. What have I done to myself?

When I imagine my dream factory, it's vintage picking / reselling, design/sew dance costumes and commissioned special occasion pieces, animating things is always secondary. I love animating things don't get me wrong, and I especially like thinking about process, purpose and historical context of animated films, there is literally no market for that outside of teaching. When I think about how I can realistically make a living I automatically think of my past workshops and business, that's the hustle I know, and I wonder all over again, WTF have I done to myself?

I'm trying to remind myself that this feeling of dread is situational and temporary, and it's complicated. I'm tired of looking for work I don't really want in the first place, I'm bored and the only fabric store I can find is Jo-Ann's and that simply won't do.

This is more than just a lack of self confidence, it's a lack of resources... Part of what I'm not talking about, ever, and it's frustrating me, is my mental health care here. I've been off any mood enhancers for a year and a half. I had to stop taking them abruptly in July of 2015 because a drug interaction was manifesting as heart failure (I'm healthy as a horse despite being fat), I stayed off of them while I was making my film because my obsessive manic thinking about thinking served my script writing well. When I was ready to go back on meds my doc and I had to part ways because she was with Student Health and I had graduated out of my program.

I've been trying to get an appointment to see a psychiatrist since August. AUGUST (I have the first appt. I could get in MARCH). I have excellent insurance, it's clinic availability. I've been advised to walk into an urgent care for psychiatric care or call crisis hotlines, neither of which are going to provide me with what I need, so I've been enduring a profoundly deep depression, something that had previously been treated and maintained fairly well for 12-13 years prior. I've had some intense lows here, I'm figuratively out in the woods alone. And this isn't about friends, I have friends... I can't get dressed, I can't keep plans, and I'm a miserable sot when I do see people.

So my big underlying issue, serious depression, is basically crippling me at this point. Compounded with job hunt rejection

On "Punching Nazis" TL;DR Lots of Mediation Before Punch-Time

2017-02-10T18:31:00.003-05:00

My military service instilled in me a patriotic duty to combat fascism, that’s part of the oath we take. As a member of the US armed forces, regardless of your personal political leaning, we strive to protect and defend Democracy with a capital D. We train our physiques and our minds to "punch nazis"*, that's basically the job description, punch nazis, everything else is making the facility work well so we could run off to punch nazis when the time came.

Is punching a fascist the first thing to do? No, absolutely not. It's not the second or third thing either, there is a reasonable escalation of threat/force that we spent a lot of time learning to work within.

While in the service I was in Auxiliary Security Forces, I went to multiple security academies for law enforcement trainings which included everything we needed to know about de/escalation. Punching isn't at the top of the list.

My time in the military made me walk the talk of my earlier punk years, it gave me foundation of understanding and history of why our fragile democracy is worth standing up to protect from evil doers who are set on limiting our liberties. The military is very progressive in it's systems of equality and justice, (tho it's got room to improve), service members from all walks of life are mostly on the same page, regardless of gender, religion or color, everybody's united in the same mission to protect our constitution. (Whether the military is utilized appropriately by the government is a different discussion, so save it!)

Now, right now, about 45% of this country is a-ok with overturning our flavor of democracy for a veiled form of nationalism, supremacy and fascism that challenges the foundations of our constitution. I hope all of the people I know and love are all solidly in the 47% who disapprove of the actions in motion to radically change our government. (percentages from gallup approval poll 2/2/17). What's happening in the White House right now is dangerous, actually really seriously dangerous and will have long lasting dire consequences. We can't wait to see what'll happen, we can't wait it out, we can't. Now is a time to rise up, really, do anything and everything you can to resist the changes the president is enacting. 1. consider your position on our constitution, and refresh your understanding of our democracy. 2. Decide the level of energy/time/effort you can give and follow through. Everything is under attack here, every one of our intersections is in danger, what's happening affects all of us.

The alt-right are enacting strategy that is has been proven through time to work very effectively in turning public opinion, they are organized and effective. We have to be cognizant of methods being used on social media and be wary, question everything (including this). It's important to cross check sources of current affairs, it's important to form your own opinions, it's important to recognize fake news and viral marketing techniques. Find a balanced media diet of middle of the road news sources and take samples from the left and right. Take some time to listen to social critique from the radio or comedy, comedy is a great source of social critique. This isn't a thing we can ignore and it'll go away.

Now's the time to establish a plan that includes a series actions to engage before punching nazis. And hey maybe it'll get to punching nazis, if you're not the punchy type you can step out of the way when the time comes knowing that you put in good peaceful effort before it got to that. I don't think this is an either or, this may very well be an AND situation.
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Remember that one time at Burning Man when Rangers fried bacon in front of the PETA camp? That was a beautiful display of peaceful demonstration that was exceptionally offensive and an effective way into a difficult conversation after other more traditional attempts were made. I saw vegans eat bacon that day in solidarity with the protest against PETA.
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*Please see that nazi is shorthand for a very complicated set of ideas that were instituted and enforced on a wide scale across the whole of Europe, the third reich was not alone in their campaign against humanity.

Open Culture, a blog that examines cultural critique recently asked some modern philosophers if it's ok to punch nazis, click through to read what they've said here http://www.openculture.com/2017/02/is-it-ok-to-punch-nazis-heres-what-philosophers-and-ethicists-have-to-say.html

Katherine Cross has an opposing opinion, which I'm more inclined to agree with expressed in her piece over at The Establishment, Why Punching Nazis Is Not Only Ethical, But Imperative, "Dispassionate discourse with men like Richard Spencer is not only pointless, but actively dangerous." Yes. Yes it is.

Resolutions for 2017

2017-01-01T14:46:00.000-05:00

Having just finished undergrad and grad school all in one big push, my goals are the obvious stuff like get a job, but the more personal stuff is rooted in resetting normalcy.

* I shall open myself to receiving, accepting and maintaining abundant prosperity, without harming anybody or anything in the process, in any way; upon my own merit and efforts; close to home and heart; resulting from work I am passionate about. (Get a good job back on my home turf).

* I shall stop drinking for a year. Not forever, just a year.

* I shall keep track of the books I've read through the year so that I can set future reading goals.

* I shall rekindle my relationship with some of my pre-college hobbies, and try new hobbies willingly and openly.

* I shall reasonable attempt to go hiking once a month, (we don't have inclement weather here). This is probably the hardest one to do.

Broken Record

2016-12-07T00:52:00.003-05:00

I admit that I NEVER expected my job search after school to drag on this long. And by job search I mean securing full time employment related to my education, experience and interests. By job I don't mean freelance, (I have zero interest in freelancing period), or labor type work unless it's for my own business. In the eight months that I've been looking for work, there have been exactly two jobs in this region I could have applied for (and I did), two isn't exactly demonstrating a plethora of great opportunities.

If we lived where we want to live (any of a few places), which isn't here, I'd have dug in and started my own thing by now. As it is I have no interest in establishing, networking or digging in here, the folks are fine, but the place is not for us. Moreover our apartment is entirely too small and cramped to make a go of monetizing any of my skillsets...I digress.

I feel I'm at an unmarked crossroads. Ultimately I have my own Big Dream Idea that I'd like to get planted, but I need work to bridge the gap between the now and the then, pay the bills and save some money, stabilize my credit etc.

I'm ready to live in my truck just to be somewhere else so I can get some good work.

Modern Times

2016-11-25T14:54:00.000-05:00

As a leaf floats upon a stream, ever moving toward the sea, this very blog is drifting. Modern technology, better or more appealing platforms present themselves, stick, develop or are left behind for their lack of innovation. This platform, google's blogger is dull compared to the ease of use and community of sharing of other platforms, blogger is tired, outdated and lacks any luster. It's simplicity is not minimal enough, nor is it robust enough, nor is it customizable enough. I think I've been sticking with it because I've been using it for so long, loyalty... to what, an audience? I don't have one.

This URL, this blog may go away, it may simply be redirected to another platform. I have no allusions that any of the followers I do have are following by the URL, but rather through the G+ crossposting which was disconnected when I changed the owner to Franzia Spritzer. I made the change so I could have a tighter control on my internet presence as I look for Serious Work. The very notion that people are looking at a 10 year old blog as evidence of employability makes me queasy. That hiring managers are looking at facebook as a character reference makes me queasy. I have had an internet presence as long as it has been possible to have such a thing, longer than my name has been what it is, I've grown as a human, as a citizen in these 20 years, to have someone judge my character now by something I posted in my 20s is horrifying. Not that I wasn't of sound mind and body in my 20s, I certainly was, but do I think my employability should be judged by what floats to the top in an internet search? Not really.

So, this URL may be redirected to my tumblr... tumblr doesn't have a "share to blogger" feature that I can find, maybe I'm not looking hard enough. Meh.

That was super easy

2016-10-16T05:25:00.004-04:00

Ah, it's like nothing actually happened! Except, it did!

Vaporizing

2016-10-16T04:50:00.002-04:00

I'm going to do a few things to this site to shift it away from the email it's associated with. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that, but if you follow along, I'll let you know when and where. I'm going to redirect the url to a different site entirely. I'm obviously not so bloggy anymore, and I'm trying to get a job, so whining on the internet isn't doing me any favors.

It'll no longer share to Google+ for qathi.hart, so if you still want to follow along, please update your news reader or whatever else you use to follow blog posts.

Thanks!

The Battle for New York City’s Trash | The New Yorker

2016-10-06T00:38:00.001-04:00

The New Yorker’s youtube channel has been rich with “woke af” messaging lately, and I’m super impressed that they are using their capital and social media platforms to make strong social justice video content.

I went into watching this video thinking, “…huh a positive spin on scrappers? Interesting… go on.” As the video progresses, it’s clear that the video is showcasing how hard it is to be a black man navigating the world wrapped in the context of scrapping.

Existing really shouldn’t be so hard. Really.

Looking for a new Portfolio site.

2016-09-27T01:53:00.004-04:00

[update: I went with Cargo Collective, and it's perfect.]

Fellow photographers, filmmakers, and artists, what are you using to showcase your work? Squarespace and Adobe Portfolio are more expensive than what I'm using (even if what I'm using isn't working), which is a deterrent. Are there more, good resources to check out?

I want to move my portfolio off of wordpress, because it doesn't do what I want it to do, and I'd like to think that if I'm paying for something it would come close to doing what I want it to do, which it doesn't. I need a portfolio not a blog, (my blog is separate and elsewhere).

Thoughts, suggestions, warnings?

Taxi #5

2016-09-14T17:17:00.001-04:00

HOMEWORK: for a Post-Cinema class, I cut out all the scenes with characters from the film. I don't recall the title of the film now, it was the worst film ever made, and I wouldn't suggest anybody ever watch it, it was truly horrible, this cut is way better than the actual movie if I do say so myself.

Seriously, worst film ever.

Aeon Fluxish : Juxtoposition

2016-09-14T17:15:00.001-04:00

HOMEWORK: for a Post-Cinema class, I juxtaposed cuts from the first episode of Aeon Flux with cuts from the live action film.

Mocha Princess Ninja strikes in slow-mo

2016-09-14T17:12:00.001-04:00

WAPOW!

Chicken Wrangling

2016-09-12T00:50:00.001-04:00

While visiting some friends, they went out for the night and I was asked to put the chickens away. Lest we forget, I'm a city-folk.

Now that I’m done with school I want to go home

2016-09-11T20:00:00.001-04:00

I don’t know why I bother even thinking about living anywhere other than the Pacific Northwest. I think I spend so much time achingly homesick that it effects the rest of my life.

Now that I’m done with school I want to go home.

The one thing I seem to be a wuss about is my deep affection, nay love for my homelands.

I feel like, a salmon hatched in Seattle who went out to sea to mature, and now it's time to return to my home river.

I went away to school because what I wanted to learn wasn't being taught at home, I feel like it's my duty to return home with my new stuff.

I have a sense of responsibility to the community that raised me, the community I helped to build, the people and places of the Northwest are part of me.

I think about living other places, I've tried living other places, I usually want to live someplace warmer but I always go home. I love home. I've always longed for a sense of ancestry, a sense of being locked to a place. I knew my family came west but I didn't really understand the story. In the time I've been in school I learned that my (dads) family is an original Oregon Trail family. My g-g-g-grandpa came from Ireland, kind of hated America as it was at the time, moved westerly a couple of times, participated in the Underground Railroad and finally left the US to the Oregon Country in 1845 (part of their party are the famed Meeks Cut Off folks), before the Civil War because he wasn't jiving with slavery. My family moved because they were abolitionists. Some folks settled in the Willamette Valley OR while others backtracked to what is now Eastern Washington. My (paternal) grandmother is from Nez Perce ID. My mom is from Montana, although her family moved west from the Mid West in her infancy, my (maternal-m) g-grandpa shipped from Liverpool, (maternal-p) g-grand cam from Scotland. The places they came from isn't as important is the final landing spots and the spirited drive to get there, that is what I'm drawn to.

All of that is to say I belong in the PNW. The sense of ancestry and place I've longed for is there; "there" is a big triangle with Seattle at one point, Helena Montana at another, and Eugene Oregon as the last point.

I love quite a few other places, the Bay Area, Southern California and Southwest, and I'd love to give these places a try, but for now, I'm aching to go home.

Now to get my husband on board.

The things I need in a new town

2016-08-15T01:25:00.002-04:00

Not all that long ago, living in Seattle, when I'd meet people from other places, in natural conversation they'd say "I live in ____" and I'd honestly ask, (if not a little snobbishly), "Why'd you want to live there?" emphasis on "there". Having spent most of my life in the Seattle area, a place filled with, like, all of the things that bring me joy, I wondered earnestly if other places have what Seattle, (or Tacoma and TBH PDX), has. Now, as we're trying to figure out where to move next I've compiled a list of things that I think of as requirements to fill my creative needs, to help me plot. It's a ridiculous list, a truly ridiculous list, and I'm confident that few places outside of major cities would have such an eclectic bunch of stuff. In making the list I can say I have pretty unusual requirements, it's a bit silly really, but as I'm missing all of these things I recognize their importance to me. So here we go, an incomplete list of bullshit things I want where I live:

Fabric stores, specialty, from sails to veils
sew & vac repair
stereo hi-fi repair
cobbler
Art supply stores
Any combination of shops to make up for Display & Costume
Costume boutiques (that one on Roosevelt, seriously)
Vintage stores, furniture and clothing
A variety of thrift stores
salvage places, auto, building supplies, interior finishes
record stores
custom t-shirt shop (this comes up a lot in my life)
more than one tattoo shop
event rental stuff, lights, sound, etc
BIG industrial arts center
local, non chain hardware stores
local theaters
arthouse cinema and second run movie theaters
locally owned booksellers, new and used
locally owned eyeglasses boutique
Korean spa (lady needs a scrub down)
Local reprographics place
Asian markets, from candy to veggies and spices
lots of ethnic take out, I don't want sit-down boutique noodles
schwanky shoe boutiques
specialty stores like Daley's or that fly tying place on NW 15th
Army Navy surplus places
Corner stores
Game arcades
a magic shop
Jerk Church.
haberdasheries, and not just one
recycled bicycle place
tool lending library
camera shop

and then the regular stuff:
Appreciation and celebration of local indigenous cultures,
_wide_ ranging cultural/ethnic diversity and representation,
civic programming supporting poor and underserved citizens, universities, museums, farmers markets, local breweries, bike lanes, parks, municipal golf, tennis and pools, light rail, ban on styrofoam and plastic grocery bags.

I know the big o'l cities have all this stuff.... I need to know where else.

tl;dr f*ck class.

2016-08-10T07:07:00.000-04:00

My response to:  Coding “White Trash” in Academia(a post by Holly Genovese)

I wouldn't classify as "white trash", nor the other end of the average person spectrum, middle class, I'd say my immediate family is solidly working class. My mom spent her working years in pink collar work, my dad, when he worked served the rich as a craftsman creating the finer things in their lives, he managed apartment buildings, (an ultimate lazy man's job), later he put his carpentry skills to work as a state employee. Radiating out from my parents, my family had someone who tends to your dead, cleans your fancy clothes, pieces together major infrastructure, others had higher level service jobs, selling fancy things and teaching. Second cousins had more access to higher educations than we did, keeping conversation at major family gatherings interesting. We lived in gritty industrial cities nobody outside of the state could quite place, we lived in rented houses and apartments under the power lines, next to the train tracks or next to the freeway; alternately, out in the actual woods in logging and coal towns or in the places airplanes are made. It's easy to say "I'm from Seattle" but really I'm from Redmond, Mercer Island, Spokane, Arlington, Kent, Black Diamond, Shelton, Maple Valley and Tacoma. I didn't meet an actual rich kid until I moved into Seattle at 11 and went to school during a time of desegregation, which put me in the company of kids whose parents wanted them to have a public school experiences, people who lived in real mansions behind gates with guardsmen. Once I was out on my own and ever since, I've been poor. Like really poor, like living without running water or heat poor. The people I spent my formative years with had similar lives, we're the people who make and sell folks the nice things they have in the houses they own, pour their drinks, put food in front of them, entertain them, we're in the business of making sure they have a fun day or a nice night, we provide things we can't ourselves afford to enjoy.

For most of my life this arrangement has been fine, I'm a pretty good salesperson, I've been a charismatic entertainer, and a competent craftsperson, I love what I make especially when it's pretty good. I'm filled with joy when other people want to give me money for the things I have made, however I get weird when that exchange turns into a service. Are they buying the product of my artisanship and skilled craftsmanship, are they using my skills to manifest something they themselves cannot execute well, are we in agreement or am I reading their mind, am I making a product they're buying, are the commissioning my artwork, or are they ordering something from the Q factory? Making curtains for a restaurant is one thing (side hustle), grant writing and designing a site specific artwork is another (product of formal art training). I hate to admit to myself that I see capital A Art as a service provided to rich people, and I wonder if that thinking is the result of my upbringing.

Chugging along through college under the impression that it was a way out of poverty, I have attended a community college, a fancy pants art school, and a top 5 university. The class disparity between myself and the academy has never been more chilling than at the university. The faculty is amazing and diverse and is comprised of people I'm perfectly comfortable with and would like to maintain lifelong relationships with, it's the students with whom I share classrooms with who make me feel incredibly out of place, not because I didn't deserve to be there, but because I'd more likely sew their table-runners or have built their wine cellars, or have sold them their motorcycle helmets than ever be invited into their homes as a guest. The city I've called home for over 30 years is fast filling up with the people I'd more likely sell something to than people who'd invite me to dinner.

The education I have achieved doesn't prevent me from going home, as it does for the author of the linked article, but rather it's cemented me in my acceptance of being working class. It has shown me that aspiration is a bit complicated and a little dirty. That while it's totally okay to want a comfortable middle class life, it's also totally cool to make do with just keeping the lights on and have new books flowing in. The author noted her NACAR t-shirts as a tie back to her roots, for me it's punk rock, I'll show up at the gym wearing a band t-shirt I've had since god was a child and the whippersnapper trainer will laugh at their perceived irony of a grad student wearing such a thing to the gym, hahaha. Piss off.

The conversations surrounding white privilege are complicated for me, I think because because of a loop of assumptions, I assume that everybody else assumes that because I'm white and educated that I haven't experienced crushing adversities, that I assume a certain set of privileges, yeah, no. I legit assume that every time I leave the house I'll get arrested, hurt or killed for being female or punk. Meanwhile, I am still poor, first and foremost I am a poor woman. I understand, respect and appreciate that even with the little privilege a poor white woman has, it's more than many others, I will participate in conversations which work to illuminate privilege, it's inner workings and how to work within it. The best I can hope for is to take what I've learned in the academy and sow these seeds in unexpected places, the best I can hope for is to be that one memorable teacher who saves some poor kids life through art. For me that teacher was Wayne Swanson, I hope I can have a similar reach as he with his career as an art teacher.

Gotta Catch 'em All

2016-07-15T14:18:00.003-04:00

Didn't even have to leave my desk to catch this one.

Calling Cards

2016-06-21T18:17:00.002-04:00

My new calling cards have arrived. I've been waiting a very long time to make a deck of cards as business cards and I finally found a place where I could order custom playing cards.

[disclaimer] I, by no means think of myself as a "designer" and I'm not trying to pass myself off as one. Graphic design is a special special skill set I do not have much practice in.... outside of school and 20 years of personal projects. Because of my utter disdain for interacting with graphic design clients, I flatly refuse to practice these skills for other people. I'd have to be given total control and a good hunk of money to do design work for others, so that pretty much means, I'll never do it. Problem solved.