Aimeepalooza

Open Letter To The Parking Garage Attendant

2012-02-03T17:31:00.000-05:00

Dear Parking Garage Attendant:
As a part of the month of Valentines Day, I wanted to write you a letter. You don't know my name. You always greet me as "Babes." I suspect that you treat everyone with the same real, from the heart kindness, which is why your line is always long. Everyone wants to have a chance to bid you farewell on our way home from work. Your kindness has an absolute magical impact on the people that pass through your line to leave the parking structure.
You may not remember this, or maybe you do...but one of the first times I met you I was crying, hysterically. While I was at work that day, I received a call that my Grandmother was in code red. Code red meant she was dying, or more likely had already died. I ran up and down 7 floors looking for my car, which I had lost in my emotional state. I was sweating and crying and I felt like there was snot everywhere.
I pulled through your line and handed you my ticket. You saw the state I was in and handed me your box of tissue. You began talking to me as if I was a small child, in a very comforting voice. "Oh baby, what's wrong?" I started apologizing, it was all I could think to do. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. My Grandmother just died and..."
You turned to the young man sweeping cigarette butts beside your booth. He was high school or college aged and his pants were sagging so low I thought he was going to trip himself. "Bow your head and pray with us. Her Grandmother just died." He immediately lowered his dust pan and his head, not for me, but because you told him to.
And then you proceeded to pray for my Grandmother and her passage to Heaven. You prayed for me and my family and that we have some comfort during this time of sadness. You watched the line of cars grow longer behind me and you took your time. I felt such peace. By the time we all said Amen, including the rebellious looking teenager, my tears subsided and I felt better. It was hands down the nicest thing a stranger has ever done for me. Thank you has never seemed quite enough. Aaron arrived to pick me up right after and I was, "unusually calm."
I'll admit, I am often suspicious of people when they mix religion into everyday speech. I wonder if they mean it. And I feel like religion is the last thing you should use to make people believe you are someone you are not. But when you tell me as I leave, to have a blessed day, I believe you. It is from your heart.
I told Aaron about you. And I could see he didn't really understand just what kind of person you are. But this winter I was having car trouble and he got to meet you. He was so impressed with your real, heartfelt kindness we both agreed if we won the lottery we would come hand you a big fat check...just for being you. You spend all day in a booth taking money from people who have worked all day and are forced to pay to park. It isn't an enviable position. But you are such an amazing person, we all cannot wait to pull up and hand you our ticket and money. So when you tell me to have a blessed day and I respond, "you too!" I mean it. You deserve it.

Aimee

Reverb 11 A Moment

2011-12-02T11:05:00.001-05:00

Reverb11 Day 2: Pick a Moment from this year-maybe when you felt the most alive or one when you felt the most wounded, happiest, fulfilled. Tell us about it in the most vivid detail you can- sights, sounds, smells, and feelings.

My first Reverb was all about how I started 2011, fragile but gaining strength.

It is only natural my moment of the year is the moment I felt the strongest. Recovering from my surgery required 3 months. 3 months of keeping my heart rate below 100 so I didn't tear the new 10 inches of aorta from it's place. 3 months of no work. 3 months of no lifting. 3 months of being very, very physically broken. I walked everyday on a treadmill with a heart rate monitor, following the rules but trying to push my limits. All I could think was, when you can run you will be healthy.

That thought, while on those long, lonely days of treadmill walking, led me to do some research about running with a heart condition. During one of my many, often angry, scared or sad searches I found Cardiac Athletes. And the group of people were athletes. Not only were they athletes, they were amazing athletes with or without faulty hearts. I was immediately inspired and drawn to them. I knew they were meeting in Akron Ohio for a race. I wanted to join them. Most were signing up for relay teams. Given that I am a terrible, slow runner, I was afraid to join and let them down with a too slow leg of the race. The minute I got the okay to run again, I signed up for the Akron half marathon. The furthest I ran before my heart surgery was 3 miles. So running a half marathon after heart surgery was daunting. But it seemed like the best choice. (I realize this logic might seem completely insane...let me add that I nearly selected the full marathon...so yes I am a bit off.)

I guess there are many small moments in this one big one. When I started training, I took baby steps. I ran and trained and ran to grow the muscles, strengthen my heart and get the dust of 3 months of nothingness off my body. There came a moment when training became more intense and I started upping my mileage. Aaron was naturally afraid when I embarked on my long training runs. So he started running them with me when he could. I live in a rural town...so rural we are not even a town, we are a village. The very center of town is paved roads, but less than a mile out dirt roads prevail. I cannot stand repetition so I run out of town rather than looping the same route over and over. The views are exquisite. Farmers' fields of corn, wheat, and soy boarder the edge of town. Soy, when ready for harvest, glows gold. The thick trees are green and hearty and small ponds, rivers and creeks weave throughout. It smells earthy, like rich potting soil and the only annoyance are the bugs attracted to the heat and sweat off my body. As Aaron and I navigated the silent country roads Aaron pointed to my left. Beyond the road was a shallow but wide body of water. I knew it was shallow because a doe was standing in it watching us run. Deer, to those who haven't seen them in real life, are the size of large dogs and the color of champagne. They are beautiful with soulful brown eyes and watch everything with fearful weariness. The doe we saw was standing in dark water and could only be seen through the trees appearing to be hundreds of years old. There was a slight mist rising from the water surrounding the deer and the whole scene was magical. My thought was, Thank God I am alive and here to see this.

The big Daddy moment of 2011 was finishing the Akron Half Marathon. In my mind being able to complete a half marathon meant I was healthy again. People remarked about the impressiveness of completing the half less than a year after open heart surgery. In all honesty, I wasn't trying to impress anyone. I was trying to let go of the fear that dominated my thoughts:the fear that at any moment I was going to drop dead. I wanted to be strong, not weak, wobbly and fragile. And finishing meant strength, strength that people who aren't sick don't even have. I finally felt well again. Taking a picture with my sons, who were very much the driving force behind fighting to live and recover, was maybe one of the biggest moments in my life. I cannot tell you what it smelled like or even looked like. I can only tell you that I felt alive, with the ones I love, and I had finally run away from death!

Reverb 11

2011-12-01T10:19:00.000-05:00

Prompt for Dec 1 2011: Humble Beginnings. Where did 2011 begin for you? Describe where you were be it physically, emotionally, or otherwise.

Normally I don't join these blog things. But one of the creators is a girl with whom I feel a serious cyber-connection. And we will be running together in May...for my very first marathon. I am just cyber-meeting this girl.

Anyway, where was I? I was literally sitting with Aaron's family drinking copious amounts of wine and other celebratory drinks.
The very most important resolution of the night was a simple but incredibly meaningful one. Aaron's Mother resolved to improve her health. She essentially made zero grand proclamations so typical of ringing in a new year. Simply, she promised herself and those of us around her that she would be healthier. Grand proclamations are destined to fail, attainable goals are attainable. It was a quiet thoughtful moment for me, given what I'd survived. And I appreciated that she did not promise to get the body of a super model or give half her income to charity. Some of the most important changes we can make are the simple ones, like being mindful of our health.

I was sitting in a room with Aaron's Brother-in-Law. And he was fighting cancer. We were by some collision of the Universe, kindred. I was nursing two quarter-sized holes in my chest and one split sternum. Life and the New Year were precious, not to be wasted. Seeing our children grow and change had taken a new light due to events in 2010 that can only be described as horrifying.

That fall he wasn't feeling well and after some investigation was diagnosed with Lymphoma. During that same time I was battling exhaustion and an inability to adjust to the time change. I was getting out of breath climbing stairs and would have to sit down while closing the bar at work. I blamed my nasty smoking habit and initially he blamed a cold. During a doctor visit, a murmur was discovered in my heart and a tumor was discovered near his.

Dec 6 2010 I went to examine my murmur via echo-cardiogram. I knew during the exam something was terribly wrong. I wasn't able to leave until the tech showed my results to the head cardiologist and I was told not to lift anything. I told Aaron as he headed to his car and I mine that I knew something was wrong. I called my family on the way home and told them too. As I opened the door to my house my phone rang. It was my doctor. All I heard was very large aortic aneurysm, don't drive, get to the ER there is a cardiac team waiting. And I heard her apologize. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...like you hear at funerals.

I called Aaron and as soon as he left work he called me back screaming. It sounded angry but I knew it was panic, "What the F*ck is this aneurysm sh*t???? If you replaced the words it might sound like he was accusing me of cheating. I could not bring myself to tell my children. And I felt like it was the last time I might ever see them. That felt more terrible than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I was not ready to say goodbye and they were not done needing their Mother.

Dec 9 2010 I underwent open heart surgery. I had 10 inches of my aorta replaced and had a brand new heart valve made from pig tissue. I woke up Dec 10. And my world was brand new and different.

When you almost die there are several things that run through your head. To go through such a dramatic surgery really rocks your world to the core. It isn't as everyone would like to believe, some oh my goodness I am so happy to be alive. There is also a great deal of sadness and fear. And on Jan 1, I was dealing with all of the above. I was grateful for my second chance. Grateful to have another new year and sunset. Grateful to see my child have a tantrum, grateful for everything.

I also wondered why I lived and felt there was some greater purpose I needed to figure out. I was overwhelmed. In the hospital at least 5 different doctors and staff came to me, doctor coats tossed aside, grabbed my hand and said, "My God you are a miracle. We've never seen someone walk in with an aneurysm that large." It's a big job being a miracle. There are a lot of expectations and I was only an average girl. Why me?

On Jan 1 2011 I was also dealing with nearly insurmountable fear. We are all dying one day at a time. But at least 10 times a day I wondered if that was my last moment on the planet. My dreams revolved around death and dying. I felt like I was barely breathing. All I wanted to do was run from death.

Jan 1 2011 I was experiencing some of the most beautiful and ugly emotions all at the same time. Seeing my children smile was an amazing gift. During my hospital stay, Aaron slept in a chair next to me in the ICU and held my hand all night while I slept. There was an extraordinary amount of clarity in my love for him and his for me. It was suddenly more simple than it had ever been. While we always knew, it is in those simple moments that finding and having a love like that means so much.

And I was surrounded by an amazing group of friends and family I have yet to find an way to truly thank. Because we all want to know that we will leave our mark on this world. And when you nearly die you know. The ICU said they were overwhelmed with the amount of visitors I was getting. Aaron spent a lot of time sending updates to everyone showing concern who could not visit. I was surrounded by more love than I ever thought or imagined.

So Jan 1 2011 I was broken and reborn, physically and emotionally. It was the start of wobbly steps and getting stronger in everyway.

Lights, Camera, Focus!!!

2011-11-12T13:07:00.001-05:00

It seems the past few months have been a blur
mostly because we were understaffed at work
and I work in an environment that does not work well with raising children
I mean sure, I'm free to attend events that other nine-five types are not
but
leaving for work at 6 at night
working all night
and being up for parent-teacher conferences leaves me
ruined
even when I don't have to be up for something
my sleep is broken by morning alarm clocks
doors slamming closed and homework hunts
when I do wake, I wake bleary eyed and foggy

My goal in life was never to wait tables
it was a means to an end
but somehow I lost sight of the end
having an aneurysm and spending three months at home
did not give me that end
my focus came in the form of getting better
passing a bunch of small attainable goals
and then passing one huge one
the half-marathon
but since that goal has been achieved I've had a lot of big dreams and very few actions to achieve them
I'm heading into a year of being healthy
now is the time to refocus
and set my sights high
I have this second chance at life and it's time to use it

I by no means regret what I do or where I work
quite the opposite
I was embraced by my coworkers while sick and am really forever grateful
but as far as a career
I have always dreamed of more
and more came with the understanding that I would wilt and shrivel in a cubical
I cannot and will not survive in a traditional office environment

After a wild few weeks
including a holiday
a weird school schedule: a delayed start, followed by a half day, followed by no school at all...
parent teacher conferences
and baby G's birthday
I have struggled to maintain

The interview for a national ad campaign
reset my focus
it's not a dream I ever had
but now I do remember my dreams
and remember that I should be working daily to attain them
I lose sight of that fact often
but
thanks to that interview
I am refocused and moving forward

2011-11-11T12:23:00.000-05:00

So, my long-time readers may have noticed I don't write much about my children anymore
It's not because I am so self-involved that I don't have a thousand wonderful things to say about them
It's simply that one of them has hit the teenage years
and I respect his decision to tell or not tell his own stories
believe me
I am as proud as a Mother can be
but his triumphs and tragedies are his, not mine
So I've made an effort to leave his business out of my blog
also, he's a teenager so he's with his friends or up in his room hiding from family
I'm glad
when I was his age I would have given anything to have a house full of people from which to hide

Baby G is another story
he's nine
as Aaron likes to say
He's in the wheelhouse of childhood
the time when he can express himself like an adult
but still loves his wrestling action figures
the brief but perfect moment when he still loves his Mom and Dad
but is refreshingly self-reliant

We celebrated his big 9th day taking 11 children
and two teenagers
to a college football game
we tailgated and then took the fan tunnel and high-fived the players as they took the field
During the game, his name was announced and placed on the scoreboard so the entire stadium collectively wished him a happy birthday
it was an amazing party!

Baby G is the little guy in the green hoodie!
He thinks he's famous now...and his friends tell me he's going to make a million dollars being famous! Hahaha! Fingers crossed!

Commercial Interests

2011-11-08T16:50:00.000-05:00

We celebrated baby G's 9th birthday this weekend. It was a crazy party which required tons of planning. I did not have time to get on my computer all weekend.
Monday morning I checked my email and to my surprise I was made aware that a major company wanted to speak with me. Essentially, they are doing an ad campaign with real people who've had heart events and now use their product. The casting director found me through the cardiac athlete site. My initial thought was no. I am in this constant battle in my mind. yes, I went through something terrible but no I didn't do anything more than anyone else would in the same position. I fought to live, that's it. You would too. so the idea that I get all kinds of attention BECAUSE of my aneurysm is...weird. What I did didn't take courage or honor or anything special. It took what we all have, the desire not to die. So I wasn't sure if agreeing to be interviewed was just vanity or shameless or somehow icky. I am not an actress, have never fancied myself a model (snort) so I guess it kind of makes me feel like an attention hound. I'd rather get attention for writing something amazing than for having my chest sliced in half and getting a pig valve.
After speaking with several family members, I decided to at least speak with the woman and find out what she had to say about it all. Once I understood the intent of the campaign, aside from selling a product, I decided to move forward in the process. The intent is to show normal people with serious heart conditions that lead active normal lives. I guess if I show up on TV and you are sitting at home recovering from surgery, knowing I came back to run a half marathon less than a year after my surgery might help you get through your recovery. I am thankful I found cardiac athletes when I did because they gave me hope. Maybe I can do that for someone else.
Last night I skyped with the casting director. today I was interviewed on skype by her boss. He is sending my interview to the company and I will know in a few weeks if I made the next cut. My gut says I didn't. I was flat and nervous and my dog barked through the entire thing. I am also not quite what they are looking for because I did not use their product to help save my life as I was going into the ER. But, no matter what happens, the idea that I was given the chance to try is fun. I never imagined auditioning for a commercial. I will never do it again. So, it's kind of one of those bucket list things for a girl like me with no big plans for fame. I'm not expecting anything out of this but it is one more experience in life I never thought I'd have!

Tangles Part 5: Life Changing

2011-10-06T10:18:00.000-04:00

People always talk about life changing moments
when things, questions in life, suddenly become perfectly clear
I went skydiving once
and on the way down I decided I wanted to leave my son's Father
and that was that
had I crashed, I knew I would die unhappy
so I left

The days I spent in the hospital previous to my surgery
were filled with nothing but the drive to live
the desire to make it out alive and watch my children grow
it's all I wanted
So much so that I only imagined living
death was not a part of the conversation in my mind at all
I knew it was there, because of the constant worry on the faces around me
but not in my mind
in my mind it wasn't an option
I was living because I had babies to raise
I had a teenager who needed a Mom to help him understand girls
and needed a Mom to help him navigate life
he had a Dad and an Aaron who would help with certain things
but my expertise was needed and I wasn't ready to quit that job
and I had a little boy
who needed to learn the simple things
like farting in public is gross
and girls like it when you brush your teeth twice a day
and even real men dance like Michael Jackson and belt out show tunes from time to time
and even if he becomes the best athlete in the world, reading books is important and colleges want brains more than they want athletes
so beforehand all I thought was going to happen was that I would survive
because I had to
because I needed to
because they needed me

I put death so far out of my mind that as I waited for surgery
prepped and ready
my family was able to come in to the prep room
one or two at a time
I was completely confused when Aaron looked down at me, just before they took me away and said
"You better live," with tears in his eyes
"I will."
there was no question in my mind, no fear
and that was it

So then I woke up
back in my room in the ICU
when I woke up I couldn't see anything but light and dark
light was blasting through a window and I was with a nurse in the ICU
I vaguely remember walking with her help
toward the window and the chair beside it
and I remember being thirsty
I didn't know why my family wasn't there
it seemed like ten minutes ago they were standing by my head in the prep room
I was confused but too messed up to ask
as time passed, I began to get my vision a little better
I could make out shapes and color
and Aaron walked in the door
mind you, I was on a lot of pain killers
and so all the complex working of the mind were stripped
I was like a small child or a pet
and I saw Aaron and I was more than happy
I saw confusion on Aaron's face
and I saw how relieved he was
In that moment, I knew for the rest of my life I wanted to be with him
I mean, I knew before
but having him walk in cemented it
In that stripped down state, all I felt was joy upon seeing his face

Just in case you're as confused as I was
I was set to be removed from the ventilator at 9 am
but my speedy recovery began right after my surgery
I was able to get off the ventilator at 6am
and I was able to start walking before I was supposed to wake up from surgery
Aaron came at 9 after I was out of bed, talking and starting on clear liquids
He was shocked
after my surgery he was allowed to see me
hooked up to all the machines in a medicated coma
he was told to go home, get some rest(the surgery was over 10 hours) and come back at 9 to see me just as I woke
likely because I was younger and healthier (the rest of my body) than most people as sick as me
they were all shocked at how quickly I bounced back
but that's why he was so confused to see me talking and out of bed
I, on the other hand, had no idea
I didn't even know a day had passed
I just knew I was alone with my nurse
and seeing Aaron walk through the door made me extremely happy

That moment, as foggy and confusing as it was, gave me everything I needed to know about my future
and the moments after, during the long, slow recovery
gave me the clarity to make other decisions
like when the reality that I might never work again sunk in
and what would I do with myself?
I knew
I would write
so, that begs the question
why not write?

I guess now is as good a time as ever to announce I will be contributing a chapter in a book about people who've come back from serious heart conditions
(and to Aaron's Mom...no wedding plans yet...if we do start to make plans we'll tell you before I post here!)

The Group

2011-09-29T10:27:00.000-04:00

I've mentioned several times on this blog
that Cardiac Athletes, and finding them while recovering from my aneurysm
saved my life mentally
because even though I survived and I should have been overjoyed to survive
the idea of half-way living was almost as scary as death
There was a movie when I was young called Flatliners
the characters all brought themselves to medical death and came back
I don't remember all the details and I know it was a scary movie
but part of them flatlining was coming back changed, crazy

That's what surviving what I survived felt like
instead of being high on life
I felt crazy
like I met death
and death was with me always
not a good feeling
when I took the 9 different medications they gave me each day
I felt like I was saying, "Hello death, yes I know, you are biting at my heals and cannot wait to have me."
When I had to ride the amigo cart after shopping just a few minutes
"No death, I haven't forgotten you."
When I covered my scar while I bathed so it didn't open or get infected
"Yes death, I'm listening to you yell."
I'm half-alive but I feel mostly dead

So, in my mind, alive meant running
alive meant setting new goals
alive meant shedding that old dead skin that was me before surgery
I didn't get into it with any ideas or understanding
I didn't realize running a half-marathon after open-heart surgery was a big deal
it just seemed like the only way to prove to myself that I had kicked death square in the teeth for now
I wasn't even sure if I was going to be allowed to run again
but I was reading running sites
doing what any girl who'd studied at a research University was doing
my research
and I found a post by a member of the group
I followed it back to the group
and for the first time, since my surgery
I found hope
hope that if I took time to recover
there would be a day when death stopped screaming at me
and when being alive meant being joyful and carefree again
when I could feel like I'd walked with death
but then ran away

So when the group planned to meet in Akron
I knew I needed to join
I had the option of marathon, half-marathon, or being a leg of a relay team
I wanted marathon but did not have enough time to train
self doubt told me be a leg of a relay team
but lack of confidence told me
I am the slowest runner on the planet and these people are actual runners so
you'll probably just make them mad with your time (not true they would have supported whatever time I could muster)
So I selected half-marathon
it was a no brainer

We arrived in Akron and my natural, slow to warm-up kicked in
but I was overcome by how warm and accepting the group was
my entire family was welcomed with open arms
Nobody needed to ask B how terrifying it was nearly losing his Mother, they knew
and nobody had to grab Aaron and ask, "Does it scare you when she runs?"
Because some of the wives refuse to let their husbands go on long runs without being a water stop, just to check in
Aaron didn't need to talk about the time the sirens went off while I was running and he hopped in the car to make sure it wasn't for me
they knew
they all just knew
intrinsically
because, they'd all been through it
the terror and the sadness
the strange crazy that hits when death walks with you after you survive

They are all running like me
from death
back to life
that big loud life full of sore bellies from laughing too hard
not quiet library life that most people believe they need to lead after catastrophic illness

The Race (whatever the bleep it takes!)

2011-09-27T14:42:00.000-04:00

So Akron was a big deal
and I plan on writing in depth about the tour of The Cleveland Clinic
and my fellow athletes
but for now I want to describe a moment in the race
a defining moment

Aaron and the kids were cheering me on at mile ten
and mentally it was a needed boost
The end of the race
11-13.1
was a challenge
my body is not used to running distances on pavement
around my house any distance run requires dirt roads
and dirt roads tend to be softer
at some point every joint seemed to jar each time my foot hit the road
I could feel shocks of pain through each part of my body
my hands were too swollen to eat my jelly beans so I stopped for sports drinks
something was killing in my left ankle and my right big toe
mentally I was defeated
thinking I might need to stop
there was a battle in my mind
You came all this way you have to finish

Your body is done you can't finish
I started swearing at the inclines
I realized I was cursing them out loud when people around me started agreeing
Ya, these hills are sh*t! They bleeping suck!
I knew I wasn't the only one in trouble when the girl with the Running For God shirt on let out a string of curses that would make a sailor blush

Somewhere in my mind I remembered a movie I'd just seen
Win Win
there's a scene in which the star wrestler explains a move he made up to his teammates
"I pretend someone is trying to drown me and I just do whatever the F*ck it takes to get out."
They name the move Whatever the F*ck It Takes
I decided I would do the same
and if it meant I had to crawl to the finish
that's what I was going to do

Whatever the F*ck it takes became my mantra
well that and Where in the Hell is the finish line?
When I finally ran into the stadium and could see the finish
I saw an older woman in front of me
I realized I had some gas left in the tank and I started to sprint for the end
I shamelessly passed the older woman and finished
I bent my head to get my medal (which I wore the entire day and to work the following day)
got wrapped in a blanket and let out a huge yell
WOOO HOOO

Akron
and any challenge in life
is made up of those moments when self doubt and defeat sink in
and instead of giving in to them
you rise above
those whatever the F*ck it takes moments
make a person feel strong, nearly immortal
and after the year I've had
that strength
physical and mental
is exactly what I needed

The Road To Akron

2011-09-22T16:40:00.000-04:00

I started running a year ago Spring
My secret dream was to run a marathon some day
I always respected people with the balls and determination to do it
so when the idea of running a 5k with friends came up, I agreed
Last year running was difficult
I could never get in good enough shape to run an entire 5k
not until Oct when I ran Big Heart Big House without stopping
a month later I was in the hospital
having open heart surgery
ironically I wore my Big House Big Heart t-shirt into the ER that day
Ironically part of Big House Big Heart's fundraising efforts are directed to the U of M cardio unit in which my life was saved...

Obviously I wasn't able to train all winter
so I walked
sometimes nine miles a day
and during those long slow walks
I promised myself when and if I was allowed to run again
I would
and I would work my way up to a marathon
During that long slow recovery I found a group of people
people who were stubborn like me
people who were not content taking it easy or being careful
people who often went against common beliefs
even people who went against doctors orders
and kicked their own asses
runners
bikers
weight lifters
all with serious, serious heart conditions
one is often featured in Iron Man competitions
because he is the ONLY person with a heart transplant to do Iron Man
They made me feel alive again
like there was hope
like life, normal life, could and would go on
like I didn't have to fade gently
I could be as big, loud and alive as ever
and that's all I really wanted
to be alive
Big Alive
loving life alive

So when they selected their annual meet up
in Akron
for the Akron Marathon/Half Marathon
I agreed
my birthday fell a week early on the 12th
and running the Akron half seemed like a really good way to commemorate being alive another year
especially good because it would be with the people that saved my sanity
while I was fighting for my life

Sat is my half marathon
my first ever
one that did not seem possible a year ago
I am not sure I can run the whole thing
I'm not even sure I am going to finish
I am slow and might be pulled if I go over a certain time
but I am going
I have trained
and I will give it my all
the fact that it is within my reach
amazing!
unbelievable!

9/11

2011-09-09T10:08:00.000-04:00

It was 10 years ago and I remember like it was yesterday
our cable was out
my phone
which was mounted on the wall...weird...rang
it was my Mom and she was calling from work
"The United States is under attack by our own planes."
I thought she was trying to play a joke on me but I couldn't understand because it was not April Fools Day
I also thought She meant our own military started a coup (stupid Poly Sci major)
It made me angry as it wasn't a funny joke
"Shut the eff up that's not funny!"
If any of you know my Mom, I don't think she's ever dropped an F bomb. She is very lady like and I try to respect her. So dropping the f bomb out of anger toward her should be telling
She understood my anger
her voice calmed as if I was a child and she spoke slowly
"I'm not kidding, turn on the news."
Aaron was playing the playstation (1) and didn't understand what a big deal it was
it took some motivation to get him to quit playing
when we got in the car and heard the news
The Canadian border is closed and all flights are canceled
the realization finally hit him
"Oh my God, we're under attack."

We drove to the only place we knew we could watch the news
Dan's Downtown Tavern
we weren't the only ones
I think every office in Saline had cleared
the place was packed and quiet like a library
I wasn't sure if I needed to get B from pre-school and hide him, take some sort of cover, get guns and be ready to defend myself
we had no idea if some army was waiting to start a ground attack...
every time a siren sounded, the restaurant jumped collectively
we were terrified and horrified at the same time
There are people in there!, I thought as I watched the towers wobble in flames
and there's nothing anyone can do

A collective Horror, Terror, and Sorrow marked the day
it was as if the carpet had been ripped out from under us all
we thought we were safe on our own soil
because we were in America
and that stuff didn't/couldn't happen in America...
we were like innocent children and felt immortal until that horrible day

This is what I wrote right after the attacks. It was published by Pindeldyboz in a collection of responses.

Tangles Part 4: The Seed

2011-08-30T10:12:00.001-04:00

Aaron's family was blasted with a bad year last year
Aaron has one Sister
and just before I went in the hospital
her husband was diagnosed with cancer
the possibility of him not making it and leaving behind
two children
who hadn't even started school
was heartbreaking
right after the bad news dropped like a bomb
his parents went to Africa
it was a dream vacation
Aaron's Father is an avid hunter and both he and Aaron's Mother have worked like dogs
since they were teens
now they finally get to see the rewards
and the trip to Africa was one of them
by the time they got home I was so tired all the time I could barely move

On Thanksgiving we thumbed though pictures of their adventure
photos you expect to see only, well, in pictures
I was most impressed not by the pictures
but by hearing Aaron's Father talk
He's a typical American
and I say that without an ounce of judgement
I too am a typical American
he's worked mostly manual labor jobs
has his HS diploma
is self-educated on politics and finance
is hard working and has no reason to believe the world would or could work any other way
than the way it works right here
so when he came back from Africa
with stories of big huge manly trucks getting 40 miles to the gallon
and said, "Oh they can do it...they just don't here..."
and when he spoke of the rules
like if you have an employee and they live on your property you have to take care of them for...
I don't remember all the details
but I could see that his mind was reeling
his window to the world and how it could work
was amazing
he saw the good and the bad
and it seemed there were a lot of questions in his mind

I tend to believe self-education is the best
my Grandparents were some of the wisest people I know
and they were mostly self-educated
what Aaron's Father saw first hand
I learned a bit about in text books while at University
but I could see, his two weeks in Africa gave him the kind of education
4 years at a high priced University might only imply
and I knew as he spoke
I wanted that
I not only wanted to see the animals in real life
but I wanted to see how the social structure worked
how the economics played out to the land owner and his employees
I wanted that which I knew had really changed Aaron's Father
opened a window he did not expect to be opened
he had the excitement and wonder of a small child
I've never seen him that way

And then I got sick
as I pulled up to the ER
he was there waiting outside for us
he was the one I cracked the joke about being a "bleeding heart Liberal," to
Aaron's family took care of Baby G and my dog while I was sick
so I didn't see them much
I think they stayed with Aaron at the hospital as much as they could
and I think having two mostly healthy people
nearly cut down in what should have been their prime
also changed them
Aaron's birthday is Feb 13
Aaron's Father announced that he wanted to take all of us to Africa
we would need to purchase the plane tickets
but he would provide the room and board
for not only us but for Aaron's sister's family as well
and so, my world tour begins in 2014
with a trip to Africa
and
the seed
was also planted

forget working for someone else's dream
I don't need or want a house
I want a place to store my photos and memories
a home plate
it can be small
because I don't want to spend a ton of time there
I would rather work for memories than work for meaningless objects
like a big house or expensive cars

Tangles Part 3 Inspiration

2011-08-29T10:23:00.000-04:00

My big dream
the ability to pick up and leave
tour the world if I want
and I want
was inspired by several friends

The first is a woman I've known since elementary school
she recently sold off most her worldly things
and is attempting dig herself out of debt
she is only attached to her family and work...which I suspect if she found something better
she might just pick up and leave the work too
although her situation isn't easy, I envy her freedom from things

The next girl moved
up and moved to Switzerland
and is blogging about the experience
Her situation is easier I believe she had to move for work
but she too sold off most her things
and started over in a brand new land
the idea seems terrifying and exciting to me

There are tons of others
especially a girl on facebook
who periodically posts a picture of the globe
turned sideways
pointing to a tiny country I never imagined visiting
followed by pictures of her and her husband in a jungle hiking
I thought her extensive travels might end after the birth of her baby
instead
there are now pictures of her, her husband and the baby
with camping gear
and Earthy Mother baby carrying contraptions
I love it
I imagine this baby is going to grow up into such an amazing woman with so many stories to tell

Anyway, my wanderlust is heavily inspired
by people on the internet posting about wonderful, challenging adventures
shirking that which is normal
for what they want and need to do
I am game
I am so tired of normal
life is too short to spend all my time trying to do it right by some small minded standard
I'm ready for right by me

Tangles Part 2 Or I was Going to Say

2011-08-26T13:00:00.000-04:00

I keep starting and restarting this post
in an attempt to get it out right
this thing
mental thing
that has me ready to grab a passport and go
the problem is there isn't one singular thing to tell or explain
I had my kids young
so when most people were experiencing freedom for the first time
I was more restrained than ever
which for me, at the time, was exactly what I needed

There's also the side of me
ya, that one...
commitmentphobe
I'd rather date than marry (except I have no fears about Aaron)
I'd rather rent than buy
and I'd rather visit than stay
I'm afraid by committing to one thing
I'll miss something else (aside from Aaron)
I think I like too much the possibility of possibility
Are you going to law school?
shrug
Are you going to have more kids?
shrug
Are you going to ever work a normal job?
shrug
everything definite seems stifling
especially the normal day job with house and kids type life that everyone strives for
uggg suburbs, house, cars, picket fence...I'll visit yours thanks
but to live that life
to me
seems like not living a life at all for me personally

and even though I've avoided most commitments pretty well
my lack of committing has led me to an accidental commitment
here I am
in small town
cute house
Aaron's in the Mens Club
YUP?!?!
and we both sit around and wonder how the eff we got here

So, I nearly die
and some things become out of the question
like Law School right now
because one of my side effects has been the loss of my short term memory
and then there are the friends on facebook
who, while I was raising babies
ran out and grabbed the world by the horns
traveled and experienced
and
given my near death experience
there is also a new bit of bravery
Africa?
sure, why not?
take six months and travel the Appalachian trail?
sounds good to me

Now, I do understand how obviously impossible it is
to travel without a steady source of income
so rather than follow the example the Beat generation offered...
my plan is to actually
keep the house
keep the job
keep the normal
be a responsible adult, grrrr
but commit to planning one Hell of an adventurous vacation every year
maybe dangerous
maybe absurd
but always always
some place new
and some kind of adventure

Tangles

2011-08-22T13:42:00.000-04:00

Life as normal has resumed
it feels great
I don't fight constant death anxiety
I am running...nine miles at a time
and I feel
well
normal

It was last year at this time I started noticing how tired I was
I knew when my murmur got really bad because I wrote in my running log
"Could not run today, so tired..."
Silly me, instead of thinking I was a 34 year-old in her prime
I was thinking
I am 34
and that's old!
and so I ignored how tired I was and figured I was dealing with the natural aging process
anyway
I feel normal
not tired
I can in fact
go to work
make dinner
clean my house
pay my bills
and do all the mundane tasks that
a year ago felt too overwhelming to attempt in a 24 hour period

So now, I've started thinking future
at first
future was dangerous
limited to when I get released
once I start back to work...
once everything bounces back to normal
not just physical but emotional
and I finally feel there
feel like I have some control of my decisions

And one thing I've noticed is I tend to be much like a weed in the garden
not where I should be
but unable to untangle the roots that bind me
and so...
I'm getting my passport
and untangling
I don't want to make any bold announcements of which I cannot complete
but
I can say the idea of being strapped to things
like a house
feels very unappealing
right now

Not Where I Want To Be

2011-03-30T16:14:00.000-04:00

I am good
so vibrant and healthy for the moment
breathing feels good
I'm alive
really, really alive

So contemplating a funeral
is
not
easy
but one of Aaron's childhood friends passed away after being in a car accident
and out of respect for Aaron and the rest of the people who knew and loved him
I will attend his funeral tomorrow
I am terrified

I feel like since my surgery
I've walked a tightrope
across a huge span of water
my right foot dipping in the water of life
my left in death
and I've been trying like Hell to fall right
tip
use gravity to my advantage
Be Alive
at month three when the experts read all the tests
and told me I was better than good
above average
I thought I'd tipped right
back to the land of the living
back where I wanted to be
so far away from caskets and funerals
and death and dying
I'd wiped nasty death from my left foot
dove right into being normal and alive
I don't want to face mortality of any kind right now
and watching as a Mother says goodbye to her son
seeing someone younger than me, gone too soon
might just make me loose my grip

Hoping for the strength not to loose it tomorrow
I need to not be selfish and indulge my own mental issues at such a terrible time
but
it's going to be hard not to imagine how close I was
how we are all one breath away
how life is such a delicate thing and my God blink and it might all be gone

I apologize for sounding morbid
I just cannot help be in awe of how quickly life can be stolen away
how short our time really is
and how grateful I am
to still be here

Why Run?

2011-03-17T20:06:00.000-04:00

The entire three months I spent recovering
I thought about running
I thought about a marathon in Paris
I thought about a stretch of soft dirt, shaded by old trees
where, on my long runs my heart rate balanced and I found peace
the spot I call my running Zen.
I thought about crossing the finish line
Any finish line

Imagine a very drunk person at a bar singing Karaoke
huge red faced drunkey smile
belting out a song, having a great time
and COMPLETELY OFF KEY
oblivious to the people cringing and poking fun
that is how I run
not drunk, but bad
worst of the worst
slowest of the slow
with an enormous amount of joy
Here in Manchester, we have a 5k with some serious hills
I walked most of the race last year
but I crested the hills and ran down screaming, "Weeee," like a 5 year-old.
And thanks to those hills and the fun I had running down them
I was able to train and run Big House Big Heart for a personal best
2 months before having 10 inches of my heart replaced

Being able to run was a big question mark
and was so important to me
I unintentionally gave my surgeon the impression that I was some sort of elite runner
SNORT!

Why on Earth would someone with zero natural ability
care so much about running?
I mean seriously, I suck at it.
While I would love to blame my aneurysm and subsequent heart murmur
I can't
I've always sucked at running
and even with this pig heart valve, sending blood efficiently in the right direction
I always will

I think there's the obvious joy I find
running offers a memory of childhood
pure, innocent fun
but I am sure I could find that riding a bike or going down a water slide

I focused on running
and being allowed to run again
because once the doctor said okay to running
I would be normal again
not broken
not sick
not anywhere near death

I'll never forget it
hearing my doctor apologize over and over to me
after she told me the news
I'm sorry..I'm so sorry
the same way people apologize at funerals
I want to be as far away from that as possible
3 months ago, I felt like I was going to die
getting the okay to run again, like a rebirth
a second chance
as far away from I'm so sorry
as I can imagine

Last Friday I was told I can run again
even a marathon
I was so anxious about it they called close to 9 PM
after the results of my surface echo finally came back
I have yet to celebrate with a run down the hills
but you can bet I will be screaming Weeeeee
down every one!

The End Of A Long Road: Aneurysm Part 7

2011-02-28T17:17:00.000-05:00

And not a road on which I ever wanted to travel
recovery (the story of my aneurysm starts here)

I am so thankful I've been given the chance to recover
when I take the facts about aneurysms, how big mine was, and how I didn't notice any symptoms
I am amazed I still feel my heart beat in my chest
every little moment feels like a gift

My recovery physically has been very steady
my pain has decreased
my ability to move has increased
my need for rest and help with the day to day has decreased
while my endurance has increased (I imagine my heart and lungs are growing stronger by the day)

Emotionally recovering from major surgery
catastrophic
as the medical field calls it
is different
it is ups and downs

fear
joy
hope
and depression
It's odd, because even I would think surviving would cause major elation
and it did
but enduring such a major lifestyle change
complete childlike dependence, day to day inabilities, compiled with record snow and ice which made walking outside impossible, gave me those typical winter blues so many of us get

And now
now I have major Spring fever
tomorrow I go in for my CT scan
I know if they find anything life threatening, I won't leave
but I am optimistic
and I know if I am allowed to leave
when I see my surgeon on the 11th
he's going to allow me to resume my life

I cannot wait to see if I run faster now
and if I can gain endurance
I cannot wait to go back to work (I know...the grass is always greener...when at home you want to work and when at work you want to be at home)
mostly, I can't wait to just be normal
I miss my friends and coworkers
I miss making my own money
I miss being able to work out if I want
I miss being able to walk outside and drive without worrying about injuring my already cracked chest
I want to be far enough into recovery
that working, running, and my broken bones aren't a worry
and I am officially right on the cusp
March 9th is exactly 3 months
March 11 I see my Doctor
and hopefully March 14 I return to regular activity

It has been a long boring road but it's almost over and I am elated! I haven't felt like this since I was in high school watching the clock waiting for the last bell to ring in June.

Products I Like

2011-02-26T09:00:00.000-05:00

The weekend before Valentine's day
a small town near us held an event to encourage business downtown
it was a chocolate extravaganza
essentially, you visit a store and get a sample of gourmet chocolate
I tend to enjoy both chocolate
and little indy shops
Plus, after being trapped in the house for most of this snowy Feb
getting out and about for any reason was exciting

The stores were holding amazing sales
I got two shirts, a sweater, and a scarf for less than 30 dollars at one place
not to mention all the amazing chocolate
we all got chocolate wasted!
we ate chocolate chili
we tasted spicy chocolate
traditional chocolate
chocolate covered pretzels
you get the point...

We walked into a little market
right on Main Street
connected to a bunch of other shops
not where we usually see markets in the era of the superstore
It included an amazing selection of really high quality food and wine
it is a small store but everything in it was beautiful and good
they had a coffee station where they were serving cups of Kicking Horse

I normally drink my coffee with lots of cream
I am a certified coffee wimp
well, they were out of cream but I wanted a cup
I decided to man up and drink it black
the coffee the New Chelsea Market had brewed was Kick Ass
and no I'm not trying to say it was really good
although it was
Kick Ass is the name
it is labeled intense
and favored by athletes who rather have coffee than choke down an energy bar
I was fearful, my pink and ruffled coffee drinking taste buds weren't sure they were ready for Kick Ass

But they were

The organic dark coffee was delicious
wonderful
tasty
good enough for me to drink black
(oh my Dad would be so proud)

So this edition of things I like but I'm not paid to like
Chelsea, New Chelsea Market, Kicking Horse Coffee and specifically KICK ASS
Yum

Thesaurus

2011-02-24T15:33:00.000-05:00

I have a few items I refuse to give up in this age of technology. I refuse to give up books, newspapers, and magazines. I am able to spend less money on the latter two because I can always read articles online. But the tactile experience of the three cannot be replaced.
My dictionary is one book I no longer have. Being from a family of poor spellers, I used to always keep a dictionary close while writing. But once word processing programs became equipped with spell check, I let the bulky hardcover monster go. Spell check both catches typos and helps me spell words. My spelling is unusually atrocious. Sometimes spell check cannot figure out what I'm trying to say. When that happens I do two things. I either type the word into google search and wait for the did you mean question or I grab my thesaurus. Such was the case last night. Baby G, ever inquisitive, saw me looking through the book and wanted to know what I was doing. My bad spelling turned into a lesson on the thesaurus. I explained that when writing papers, I use a thesaurus to avoid using the same words over and over again. I showed him the word defense, which offers at least fifty other options. I was able to explain that some words would not work in some situations and warned him to be careful.
While this post might seem mundane. I mean what is noteworthy about teaching a child to use a thesaurus? However, to me, seeing the joy in Baby G's eyes...he was excited, made me excited. I realize my child might just love words as much as I do. He felt powerful holding that book searching for good words.
Earlier in the day Baby G got in trouble at school. He was in trouble for saying something, as a joke, that was deemed inappropriate. It was considered a threat against another child, even though the other child did not feel threatened. It reminds me of the time my friend Ike told airport security he had a bazooka in his pants...Anyway, I discussed with baby G how, if he thinks something he cannot always say it...but he can come home and write about it. I told him nothing he writes at home will be censured, as long as he writes. I handed him a composition notebook and my thesaurus. We'll see what happens with his new found strength and freedom with words.

He Lost His Figure

2011-02-18T09:01:00.002-05:00

Before I got sick
we were a very physically active family
when the kids were younger and we had more time
both Aaron and I played softball
(I didn't play well but I played)
over the summer I take the kids swimming as often as possible
the kids play football, baseball, and wrestle
we all run a little bit
our kids have never had an issue with weight
other than maybe they could gain some

we have the odd man out
when we do an athletic activity as a family
he does not participate
he spends his free time sleeping
he overeats
food, in fact, is the only thing that motivates him
he spends most of his awake time trying to get me to give him more food
he's out of control
I don't even know how to handle it
I tried diet food
I tried to offer smaller portions
nothing seems to be working

Yes, it's Buddy
or Morbidly O'Buddy
or Morbidly O' Beast
as Uncle David likes to call him
In his younger years he was the picture of fitness
but like a middle aged housewife
he stopped caring

As soon as it is safe, he's going to start walking with me
that's step one
I will keep you posted on his progress

***I've been asked to review a lot of products. I usually say no. If you have some sort of magic dog slimming product I am willing to try it!*****

Gratitude and a Broken Heart

2011-02-09T12:37:00.000-05:00

Aneurysm Posts Start Here

When devastating illness hits
it is as if the world stops turning
it sounds like broken glass and screeching tires and after a minute
you realize you've been holding your breath in terror

The world, however, never actually stops turning
especially when children are involved
there are homework assignments, dinners, rides home from school
and looming right on the horizon, Christmas

Once I set foot in the hospital
every worry, aside from survival,
was washed away

It was as if a thousand shoulders made themselves available to me
and my family
Aaron, my family, and his family handled all the details
the stress on them was huge

I was allowed to feel love
nothing but love and concern
text messages
phone calls
and facebook messages flooded into the hospital
I am still overwhelmed by the well wishes
and during my recovery, when the pain was intense, the care and concern helped me get through
Flowers, chocolate,and trashy magazines kept me cheerful

There are so many people to thank
obviously Aaron, my family, and Aaron's family
but also my co-workers at the Arena
who provided me with all my ICU food requests
and offered Aaron and my Sister a place to go and get away from the hospital
The Arena (especially Vinny) put together a huge fundraiser, making it possible for me to take this time off work without disability insurance
The people Aaron works with did tons too
they also raised money for us
and when I arrived home had meals sent over once a day
between the lasagna brought over by B's friend's Mom
the Pizza from Jimmy's Filling Station (thanks David)
the food from Aaron's work
and the food my Sister brought
nobody had to cook or shop for a week.

it has been extremely difficult to write this particular post
what happened to me was terrible
but what my friends and family did was amazing
I don't really have words to describe it

I feel a huge amount of gratitude and am so thankful to be surrounded
by such good people
watching the news can destroy ones faith in humanity
but having support like I did, really restores it.
From the bottom of my healing heart,
I thank you all

Things I Like 2 Avalon Organics

2011-02-06T11:55:00.000-05:00

I live on the side of a hill on the world's most meandering river
I love the word meandering so I use it as often as possible
It's Michigan and it's been snowing
so the gentle hill rolling down from my neighbors house to my side door
is drifted full of snow
it is bumper high on the old danger Ranger sitting in the driveway
it appears to be waist high or at least knee high on me
having a cracked chest, getting out and moving is complicated and dangerous
I spend a lot of time not able to get out
and frustrated
I long for spring when I will be better and even if I'm still healing
being outside will be less treacherous

After I got home from the hospital
I received a package of organic products to try and rate
one of the products was Avalon Organics Nourishing Lavender Shampoo
I'd never even heard of the company
but the bottle reminded me of an updated antique
I could see a women from the 1800s using the same product, save the bottle would be glass
I opened the shampoo and immediately the snow melted
all I could smell was summer
green and beautiful
wild flowers covering the part of the hill that leads to river
warm and sunny

I'll be honest my shampoo isn't a huge issue for me
I avoid certain kinds that cause build up
but I tend to spend money and focus on conditioner
however being an ex-smoker and working in a bar which allowed smoking
getting the smell out of my hair was a challenge
and so I always pick shampoo based on fragrance
Avalon Organics Nourishing Lavender Shampoo smells happy and works beautifully
Ironically, I did get the product for free in exchange for my opinion
but it was not from Avalon. Avalon was the competition.
What I am saying is Avalon has not paid me to discuss their product

Aneurysm Scars Edition

2011-01-31T14:35:00.000-05:00

Aneurysm Posts Start Here

Right after I got home from the hospital
when the house became a make shift hospital with a bed for me downstairs
and a daily babysitter
and lounge pants
and flowers starting to wilt
and people arriving with meals
my Sister looked at my scar and promised she would take me to a bathing suit shop where they had suits for people like me
people who had been sick
people with scars

In the hospital I stayed pretty strong
I was one of the easy ones to take care of because I tried very hard to be in a good mood
to not wallow in it
and to recover...eat, walk, take my meds, do what I needed to do to escape that place

It was the scar after the surgery that sent me over the edge
or I should say scars
because when you go in for surgery to save your life
they sort of carve as needed
so my body has become a map of scars
dots and slices
a hole for this and a slice for that
a story of pink shining numb marks

At first the marks were all covered, save the aterial line misses
15 misses along my wrists to be exact
15 failures in the shape of red dots
wrists black, blue and swollen from the battering
so ugly visitors turned their heads
But the rest of the marks stayed hidden
beneath tape and gauze white and clean
I didn't have to acknowledge them, admit they were there, or face what had happened
even though I faced what happened with every beep of a machine
wobbly step
and nurse

So when the gauze had to be changed I flipped out
literally the only time I broke down
was when they did anything with my scars, which at the time were still wounds
and then I flipped out in grand style
crying, yelling "no" repeatedly and fighting the staff
It was if I saved my anxiety for those moments
Like changing the gauze or cleaning the wound was the way I would die
I stayed calm before surgery
but after surviving
I lost all self control when someone needed to deal with that which was already healing
When it was time to remove my pace maker and chest tubes
we had to stop halfway through
so they could dose me with anti-anxiety drugs
Strange, the further I got from being catastrophically ill
the more I got scared

Now I am at home
nearly two months post op
and while I am happy and grateful
and excited about life returning to normal
I am also feeling very much shattered
I had a dream I was talking on the phone to a friend
she asked if I wanted to hang out on Thursday
and I told her no
because Thursday was going to be my funeral
sometimes I dream I've stopped breathing
and wake up feeling like I've been under water
sometimes I just can't fall asleep because I'm afraid I won't wake up
It's just another scar, they say
a normal mental response, ugly as it might be, to life and death trauma
just as the rope-like line down my chest is the normal physical response
to having open heart surgery

As much as I'd like to hide it or pretend it isn't there
it is

Hello Freedom!

2011-01-26T11:24:00.000-05:00

I'm not released to run yet
But I have been walking. While walking on my treadmill I get frustrated. I'm strapped into a heart rate monitor and it constantly beeps at me. I'm not supposed to allow my HR to go over 100. My heart rate at rest is in the 80s. I think most people tend to be in the 60s. Anyway...I can get up and put my shoes on to start walking and my HR will hit 104. So the walking everyday has been a struggle. I've tried walking before I have any caffeine, nope HR is still the same. I've tried watching TV. I've tried slowing down, stopping, imagining myself on a beach or on my favorite run on the soft dirt road I love so much. It is nearly impossible for me to get 2 miles in with my HR where my doctors want it to be.

And I want 3 miles. When I was released to walk not run, I fought off the part of my mind that yelled, "walking is shit. boo hoo poor me I can't do anything." For several days it was the only thought in my head. Once the negativity was gone I set a goal of walking 3 miles a day. I want to learn everything I can about nutrition and the science of sports and hearts, and walk three miles a day. That moment when I stopped focusing on the limits and started looking at what I CAN do, a big chunk of depression lifted. No, today I can't train for a marathon but I CAN learn how to eat for a marathon. My unchanging goal since my mind shifted has been a simple three slow miles.

I've been working. Studying. Doing what I need to do. Even though my aneurysm was likely a genetic connective tissue disorder, I can change bad habits. I am trying to eat healthier. I don't have high cholesterol and even though my HR is high I don't have high blood pressure. I don't need to do anything to develop that in the future. We don't eat heart healthy. So, we did some major shopping. Lots of fresh fruits and veggies. Lots of fish, whole grains...you've heard all of this before. And, it's been good. Even my simple carb loving teen is cooperating. I told him eating the way he does is just as bad for his body as smoking. He sat quietly for a second and swallowed his veggies.

But, this whole three miles is getting me. Hearing my monitor go off, time and time again is depressing. The CAN'T word creeps into my mind. I start to feel like trying is pointless. I have learned I can only do a mile at a time. Once I hit the mile mark my HR slowly creeps higher. So, I do a mile. Stop. Read, write, focus on something else...but I keep my monitor in place. Once I notice my HR is low 80s- high 70s I do another mile. I listen to my running playlist, the one that got me through Big House Big Heart in Oct and the training prior. Sublime, I Saw Red pops on and I remember being right by the market at the end stretch of a 5k. I wanted to stop but the frantic song gave me the energy I needed to get through. How the constantly changing style and tempo of the music gave me the right lift at the right time. A big smile spreads across my face. I'm free again. The wind is in my face. I'm yelling "wee," down the hills in Manchester, like a little kid. I'm on the quiet dirt part of my 7 mile run feeling Zen. I fight the urge to run, just a little, just to see. I stop at a mile and wait for my HR to lower again and repeat.

I think the key to it all is adjusting. My body obviously demanded I adjust. And now I have to adjust my mind. My idea of walking 3 miles is walking hard for 3 miles straight. And when it did not seem possible, I wanted to grab a tub of ice cream and sit on the couch, "I can't do anything anyway. I should just sit around and get fat." Once my mind adjusted, I found freedom in what I CAN actually do. Freedom in my playlist, my memories, my race finish lines and the hope that I will one day be there again. Three miles is three miles and nobody said it had to be straight!

*originally published on my running blog