Thru My Eyes

Memories

2011-02-10T19:58:00.006+05:30

Memories ... can kill ...
when the heart inside is still ...
and the person you love, never meant to last,
is with you no longer, a shadow of the past,
the heart begins to die, the thoughts begin to kill ...

Memories ... are sad ...
when the love you never had ...
reminds you of times, when things were too good,
when hearts were happy, when you understood,
when you were together, used to love her like mad ...

Memories ... are cold ...
when the agony is untold ...
when my eyes belie, the torment within,
the lachrymose lament, of my violin,
A pain more than what, my heart can hold ...

Memories ... don't heal,
when I go through this ordeal,
of heart that bleeds, emotions evoke
of soul that's empty, of spirits that broke,
of a dying mind, a broken man who can't feel ...

Memories ... I ignore,
Those thoughts I know no more,
The life that was, has changed so fast,
The life that is, lies broken, miscast,
That life that will be, I truely abhor ...

Memories ... can kill ...
when the heart inside is still ...
The things I've done, I cannot forgive,
I'm blind, I'm dead, There's nothing left to live ...
and all that remains, is a deathly chill ...

Life Thru' My Eyes ...

2010-01-14T17:01:00.003+05:30

It wasn't a usual day. I was feeling unusually weak with the fever I was having. I was walking alone and wasn't talking a lot, quite unusual again compared to how I really am. I felt an urge to sing to myself like I always do but thought I'd rather stay silent within and just think. Saw some people sitting and complaining about something and their tense faces made me remember some other faces, some faces that are always unhappy no matter what; faces that are strained, bogged down by problems and worried about how unfair their life is compared to others. Suddenly I became aware of the lines on my tense forehead. I stopped, smiled, relaxed and then continued walking. I really wonder if I have understood them completely. Maybe I've never had any problems so enormous in magnitude in the short 22 years that I've lived. Maybe I've to see a lot in life to really understand how miserable your life can really make you. Maybe. Maybe Not!

I don't remember the day when I started finding my problems melt away as soon as I started smiling at them. Perhaps it's the same day when people started calling me lucky. I always wonder if luck exists. If it does, perhaps I am lucky enough to find good fortune seeking me out every time. Or maybe it's just me who only sees good fortune and not bad. If I really give it a thought, there are enough things to cry about, things that would make me as miserable as any other. But smiling at them always gives me enough strength to face them and defeat them eventually. I really wonder why it's so difficult to do that. Why can't we all feel lucky and special? The light is definitely more visible than the darkness. Then why not see the brighter side of things and keep smiling? Its not that we can't do it! Our birthdays are so special for us. What do we celebrate ? Being one step closer to death or having survived one more year in this treacherous world ? Some more wrinkles on our face or much more wisdom in our brain ? We blow out the candles and still think about the light around us and not the darkness that results. Isn't this how we live the spirit of happiness, of being positive and having that knack of looking at everything with a smile? How we remind ourselves that no problem is worth making our-self suffer for and that celebrating is not that difficult after all?

Problems are not much unlike quicksand. The person who becomes helpless and miserable is gladly consumed by it and the one who knows that he'd float above it can relax, lay on his back and paddle to safety. The catch is that to realise you are inches away from death but those inches will never become centimetres is extremely difficult when death stares you at your face. But then nobody ever promised us that life would be without catches. I have a lot of life to live and a lot of new problems to discover. But more than that, I have many more moments of happiness coming my way. I love life and all that it brings with it. And I believe that till the day I keep smiling at life, I'd always find it smiling back at me !!!

TRAIN

2008-03-22T10:28:00.007+05:30

Hey Guyz,

GD/PI Results for admissions into the National Institute of Industrial Engineering (NITIE) came out day before. That was probably my worst interview ever...

They asked me the name of the subjects I had this year, With all this interview stuff who has got the time to attend the college anyway ? I couldn't tell. Then they asked me the subjects of my last semester. I had to put a lot of strain on my mind (and quite visibly) to answer that one.

As if this wasn't bad enough, they asked me the authors of the books that I studied. Hell, I don't remember the subjects, how the hell am I supposed to remember the damn authors ? The next question - "What are the principles of Data Warehousing ???" (Where did that appear from ?) . Five Short minutes of agony and then it was all over. I knew I had no chance whatsoever of getting selected. Hey, but they took me !!!

I don't know why they do all this if they were going to take me on the basis of my CAT score eventually...

So here I'm writing a poem which I'd written on my way back from NITIE sitting in the train. I had to do something to cheer me up. So I wrote some thing not-so-sad this time. This is different from all other poems because I wrote this due to pure boredom. So no feelings attached !!! Hope you enjoy...

TRAIN

I am travelling in a train this time,
This line is here just for rhyme...
It's not that I enjoy being in a train,
Just don't have the dough to afford a plane...

This is the fifth line, what should it be ?
Yeah "Ohh God, Why it has to be always me ?"
All my fellow travellers are so very old,
Old is gold, but who wants old gold ?

I want gold that is brand new,
But beautiful girls here are so few...
And none whatsoever are here with me,
One's here are so old, they can't even see...

Expecting more is hittin' a wall of bricks,
Wonder why gods made so few cool chicks...
They'll do without brain, I don't care
Beauty and Brains is anyways quite rare...

Awight, I cut the topic, Try to forget these moments,
Ladies kindly forgive me for my preposterous comments...
I gotta stop writin', Its' already the 19th line,
Got a lot more to say, but well, some other time...

There's a reason I wrote this, my frnzz said,
No more sad poems, hope u enjoyed what u read...

Ohh & this line's just here as post script,
Au Revoir frnzz, see ya after this trip !!!

There it is frnzz, hehe, not quite a poem eh ? Do comment on what you think !!!

Pain ...

2008-03-06T11:10:00.015+05:30

This is something really personal. I'd written it a couple of Months back. Something I heard on a day a real close friend of mine really broke down. This is her life, This is dedicated to her...

PAIN

"Will u leave me ?" You asked. I said "I'd never !"
Love's made to sever, I'm beginning to See
Is love eternal ? Does it last forever ?
I loved you then, why would i desire to be free ?
I still live with you, darling you still don't know
I hate you now, have I stooped so low ?
My feelings, my emotions have ceased to grow,
The person you desire, that can't be me !

Your hand in my hand, so healing was that touch,
The time you were away, I'd missed them so much,
The angel I saw in you, I was used to that crutch,
Don't take him away God ! He is my dream...
But when you touch me now, I'm burning Inside,
This torture, this pain, I just cannot hide,
Endless days are past, years have I cried,
With u I can't live, U can't without me !

Day after day, I see love in your eyes,
Day after day, I've to live with my lies,
Runnin forever's your laughter, my cries,
I'm blank, I'm blind, where will this lead ?
I want to see bliss in you, so I can't say,
For hurting you dear, God will make me pay,
But how will I hide, I can't lead you astray,
My heart will be aching, till you too hate me !

I can't love you now, I can't work it out,
This rain of pain makes me scream, makes me shout,
Is this what eternal love's all about,
I'm left with nothing, I just wanna break free...
I can't see you hurt, neither can I take pain,
This guilt, my heart will drive me insane,
I won't let you die, i wont let you gain,
Just one of us will live, the other will be Me !

When I look at it now, all those memories come screaming back to me. That will be one day I won't forget. Things have changed now, but memories remain forever ...

My IIM Ahmedabad Interview

2008-02-12T11:55:00.005+05:30

I went (to the venue) ....
I saw ( the campus) .....
I conquered (the toffee given at the end & Chai-biscuit available for free) ....

Finally, the Big Day came. Passed by without a sweat. Now this will keep me guessing all the way till April !

First, some background...

X : 80.60 %
XII : 72.60 %
CAT : 99.90 %
Academics : In my final year B.E. Computer Science
Avg till now : 77.65 %

IIMA Interview date and time : 18th February ( 3 months from the D-Day)....9:00 A.M.

Alrighty, here it goes...

I was trying to cool myself down yesterday. I wanted to get a little more prepared (from some previous Pagalguy Interviews). The previous interviews were basically focussed on Technicals, something I was not at all comfortable with. So I tried to be fairly prepared for atleast some subjects this time around.

The whole day, I was just watching the IND V/s AUS Match (Kaash nahi Dekhta ! ). The day just went by having fun (trying to 4get that the next day was supposed to be the big day). I arranged my folder trying to make it look attractive ( I spent 2 Hrs in that). Then at around 10:00 pm, I realised that I just had around 11 Hrs remaining ! I quickly revised a bit of 'Data Structures' and 'Operating Systems' - those were the easy ones (or so I thought ! ). I revised my career goal once again. Then I rehearsed my 'About Myself' once again - the question I hate the most ! All in around an hour. Then I slept like a log. Woke up at around 7:00 am. Had tea and was ready by about 8:00 am.

Reached the campus (Yahin rehna hai do saal ... agar rehne de to !!!) by 8:45 am. Found two friends from IIML interview. A prof. came and announced the name of the students in the 3rd panel. Then another prof. announced that of the second panel. Finally,another prof. came and I was in for the 1st panel. They waited around 10-15 Mins for 2 students who hadn't come (These people are so considerate man...there was a rickshaw strike today in Ahmedabad...They actually waited for students because of that !).

Soon after, we were ushered into a room. There were some tables arranged in a round fashion. We sat there randomly. There were two professors in the room (P1 and P2). I can't describe them accurately except both were of a fair complexion and none looked old ( 30 - 50s). We were asked to keep the CAT card on the table and take out the Blue interview form. One Prof. (P1) checked all the CAT admit cards which we then put back in our folders. Then we were asked to put down our folders and all the stuff we were carrying and asked to write an essay on the topic :

CAT SHOULD CAT GO ONLINE
(Thnk God, it wasn't issue based...)

We were given 10 Mins for this. I underestimated the time and wrote the essay quickly in 5-6 Mins. I'd filled up the space by then. So just sat there doing nothing thereafter. I saw them go to my form (they carried some sort of a green form having everybody's details...I recognized my pic there) and note down something in it ( I just hope that wasn't anything bad, I finished before time...is that bad ? Maybe I'm an impulsive guy or maybe I do things without thinking. Eh ? Only GOD knows...Might as well be good ... Both P1 and P2 laughed among themselves while writing that down). Anyways, as soon as 10 Mins got over, P2 came and took our forms. Then we were asked to wait outside. We sat outside and were supposed to be called in the order in which the names were annouced previously ( I was the second guy....Ohh God !!!).

We just did a lot of bakar sitting outside, trying to keep the tension out of our minds. The first persons from both panel 2 and 3 came outside after some time. Both had pretty chilled out interviews. Then after about 25 mins, the first person from our panel came out. He said the interview was pretty chilled out but he felt bad about the answers he gave there. My heart started beating ( The moment of judgement !). Then P2 came outside and called me in. I was almost inside the room attached to the interview rooms. So he didn't have to come very far to call me. I smiled from far and he smiled back..."Sivaprasad Nair, ya, come inside !". Nice start ??? Well, who knows ?

I went inside smiling. P2 and P3 ( a person who smiled rarely, was the technical prof.) were seated. Then P1 sat too after some secs. P1 in the middle, P2 on my right and P3 on my left. Here's the conversation as far as I can remember...(Sorry for missing out some. It's hard to remember when ur hearts pumping so fast....)

Me : May I come in sir ? (With a smile)
P1/P2 : Yes, sure / sure , we called you (Both smiling)
P1 : Indicates that I may sit.
Me : Good Morning sir (Thrice) and then sit down.
P1 : (While I was sitting down) May we have a look at your folder ?
Me : Sure, sir ( I hand it over)

(Then P1 was reading my folder most of the interview time )

P2 : OK Sivaprasad, tell me about your background.
Me : You mean my origins, sir ?
P2 : No, I mean your schooling and your educational background etc.
Me : Right sir, I have done my schooling from ...blah... and am currently in the final year of my B.E. majoring in Computer science. I am doing my BE from .....blah.... in Indore. ...blah...blah....I was in the top five ranks of my class....
P2 : How many students were there in your class ?
Me : Around 30, sir
P2 : You you were in the top 5 ? Ok ....Continue
Me : ...blah...I was in NCC.....overall commander.....blah....
P2 : (He was asking questions in between, confirming everything I said, i.e. making me repeat certain words) OK now, what is the overall structure of NCC ?
Me : Sir, there are four divisions...blah....
P2 : No, what is the overall structure ?
Me : Sir, I was in the junior division, so I dont know the overall structure at the top.
P2 : OK, who is the top authority in Indian politics ?
Me : The PM
P2 : Then after that ?
Me : (After 2 secs) The Members of Parliament.
P2 : Right, now are you a ticket holder in some political party ?
Me : Sir, Pardon...(What is this ?)
P2 : Repeats
Me : No Sir....
P2 : Right, so if you can know this much about the structure of politics without being in politics, why should you not know the structure of NCC ?
Me : (Man, what a reason....What shud I say now ?) Sir I didn't try to find out a lot about NCC that's why.
P2 : ( Now approves the answer finally) Ok, describe it in your level
Me : Sir in every school that there is NCC, a teacher is trained especially for this........blah....blah....blah....ranks......bla h....
P2 : So what did you do at the NCC ?
Me : Sir we went to firing competitions (Oops), Sir, I mean not firing competitions but training...
P2 : So what rifle did you use ?
Me : (Stumped but with some thought) Sir, I dont actually recall the name, it was back in 10th but it was "Dot 2 something something" I dont remember the full name.
P2 : So what is this number specifying ?
Me : (Took a guess), Sir,its the barrel.......the......diameter....
P2 : Is there a term for it ?
Me : (After some thought) Calibre
P2 : Calibre ( as though approving)
P1 : (Smiling) Was it "2 not 2 "
Me : Sir I've heard about "3 not 3's" but definitely it was not "2 not 2"
P1 : (With a smile and a little mockingly, shayad) So it was " Dot two !"
Me : (Smiling) Sir It isn't but I dont remember the exact name

P2 : Ok....so u're from Computer Science...What all subjects did you enjoy ?
(Hehe....mar gaye !!! )
Me : Sir......I enjoyed Data Structures
P2 : Right, then ?
Me : I enjoyed Operating Systems
P2 : Ok, then ?
Me : (Bas....ab kya boloon ? ) I also had Database Management Systems
P2 : See, we want to ask u questions from ur subjects. Which subjects will you be more comfortable answering ?
Me : (None, but well...) Data Structures !!!
P2 : smiling and pointing to P3, over to you sir ...

( Chalo, here we go !!!)
P3 : Ok, let us take data structures...
....blah....How to store large data.....complexity of running....availability of space....what if the data can be anything from 1 to 1 billion elements ?........
P3 : Now, in operating systems
....blah.....concurrency problem....critical region......which OS I worked in....which uses what scheduling......is pre-emption necessary.....what if only one process......
P2 : Now let me goto your project....You are making .....blah....... right ? (I told them earlier)
Me : Sir, I wasn't talking about it because we have just made the design part. Not the coding.
P2 : (a little impatiently) Ok, say all about it...
Me : Sir we have ......blah.....blah.....
P2 : So which language are you working in ?
Me : (Defensively)......Sir we planned to initially use Java EE and I will have to learn it first but since I was busy in interviews, my friends called me up and said that they have shifted to dot net.

P1 : (Pointing towards my interview data form) So, you have done your schooling from St. Paul's. So, tell me who is this "St. Paul" !
Me : ????
P1 : No, I'm just asking out of curiosity, who is this "St. Paul " ?
Me : Sir I did read about him somewhere in the history of St. Paul's but I didn't notice much because he was just a name to me. He must be some highly placed priest.
P1 : Can you tell me the year in which he existed ?
Me : Sir, I don't remember exactly, but he was in the 16 hundreds.
( I dont remember what they said cuz all were speaking at the same time...then)
P1 : Which religion did he preach ?
Me : Pardon !
P1 : (Repeats)
Me : (In a wasn't-that-obvious tone) Christianity !
P1 : OK, so was he a disciple of Christ ?
Me / P1 : No / (To P1) No, he mentioned that he was in the 16 Hundreds...
( They again started speaking at the same time...I couldn't understand whom I was answering)
P1 : (A little impatiently but smiling) I am just asking you, did he come to India ?
Me : No sir, I'm not aware !
P1 : (smiling) OK ... You have mentioned that you were the college topper in the first year. Do you have any certificate for this ?
Me : (With a Plz-understand-me type of smile) Sir, we are not given certificates for this. But I have the marksheet. Surely, 84.70 was the highest in that year.
P1 & P2 : (smiling) OK...
P3 : Ok tell me, when did Christianity come to India ?
Me : I dont know, sir
P3 : OK, Take a guess...I'll give it to you if you are even 100 years within the target.
Me : (Smiling) I can take a gueeeesssss..............In the 1600's, along with the British, no the portugese....
P1 : Which country came at the beginning to India ?
Me & P1 together : Portugese...
P3 : (in a low voice but smiling) Both answers were way off the mark but anyway
(They looked at each other and then finished the interview)
Me : Have a nice day sirs
P1 : (Smiling) Take a chocolate...
(I leave !!!)

Well Guyz, that was pretty much the whole thing. The profs are real cool and chilled out. They behave in a very friendly manner and are ready to assist you in speaking. They want to know you the best possible way. They check almost everything. Well, there is no doubt that they are much more experienced than we can ever imagine. So there's no use predicting results. I tried all I can and I have no reason to believe that I will get rejected or selected. Just hope remains !!!

Meaning....

2008-02-06T09:35:00.000+05:30

Thought I might as well start with a poem I'd written a little while back. It's a wonderful thing really - Poems. One moment you feel as though writing poems would be the same as making a hole in a brick wall with your fingers. The very next moment however, when you are turned on emotionally, all brick walls seem to be made of hot cheese. There are no poems without emotions. They really are one of the best vents to let out your feelings; feelings that hurt, that burn you inside, that give you that mysterious sensation of falling infinitely but at the same time making you feel human again, making you feel yourself. They make you feel weak, yet strong; sad, yet happy; They give you pain, but such an enigmatic pain that begins to feel sweet. It's a drug really, you may be afraid of emotions, but when you experience them, you get such a pleasant feeling, one you get so used to that you can't live without it. And poems are poems cuz they show us as we are inside. They are pure, untouched by this world, something you should respect for all that is worth. Well, here's the poem...

MEANING

I fail to understand what I ought to do,
the time of uncertainty when I look at you
In your eyes, I see my soul,
my miserable self without a goal...

falling deep into this river,
feelings so deep, emotions that sever,
growing tired of my expectations,
growing sick of my heart's vibrations...

Reminiscing about my lonely past,
Seeing the present that's moving so fast,
The ship of my future with a broken mast,
My Life, My soul that's not meant to last !

I look into your eyes, nothing I can see,
Nothing but my own true self, my lonely life and me,
Lookin' into a sea of help, t'was never meant to be,
I just wanna leave, but my tears won't set me free...

I want to run away, but my legs won't take the call,
I want to move along, but my spirit takes a fall,
I want to calm myself, my heart just goes on bleeding,
I want to live again, but life no more has a meaning !!!

There it is. I wrote it when I was feeling really sad, I didn't know what to do. I wrote this and suddenly, the world was all better. Do comment on how it is.