Cerebral Scintillations !

Are you in Love enough to understand!

2024-01-16T23:03:00.005+05:30

Are you in Love enough to understand!

That there is a sea of difference between,

Holding a hand and tying down a soul.

That letting go gently and cognitively,

Is akin to sharing the onus of goodwill of a person.

That our most coveted strengths are,

Also our non-negotiable Achilles heels.

That the same sun that warms your skin to a happy tingle on a winter morning,

Burns when allowed a tab bit extra access.

That investing in people is a double edged sword,

Which slashes deep when any such investment goes awry.

That the only redemption one has is to stay close to oneself,

Because instincts never fail, intuitions seldom lie.

Are you in Love enough to understand?

#IcarusSays

उपान्त्य - You Are the Penultimate Love of My Life" by Rebecca Hazelton

2023-12-21T22:51:00.001+05:30

उपान्त्य (Penultimate) - मेरे अंत से ठीक पहले वाला प्यार हो तुम …

by Rebecca Hazelton

मुझे बिताने हैं कई,

पर नहीं ‘सारे’ साल तुम्हारे साथ।

जब ठसक के मैं बोलूँ कि, आँखें हरी हैं तुम्हारी।

वो आँखें जो स्लेटी के अलावा कभी कुछ रही ही नहीं।

जब सेक्स इतना मुकम्मल हो, कि नीयत ही ना भरे।

पर उतना बेहतरीन नहीं जितना हमारे घर के बग़ल के घर की दीवारों से छन के आती आवाज़ों में होता है।

जब छोटी छोटी चीज़ों में प्यार शुमार होगा।

जैसे बिस्तर से मेरा गीला तौलिया उठा लेना,

और फिर एक दिन उठाना बंद कर देना, हमेशा के लिए।

जब मैं उतना अच्छा ना लगूँ,

जितना मैं लगता था तुम्हें, तुमसे मिलने से पहले तक।

और भरोसा जो पहले मुझमें था बेइंतहाँ,

अब मेरे बेतरतीब गिरते बालों पर भी ना हो।

जब तुम मेरे लिये मेरी मनपसंद वाईन लेके आओगी,

और फिर टोकोगी भी, कि कितना पीने लगे हो तुम।

उस उपान्त्य में भी कुछ तो है,

मुझे वहीं उसी जगह थामे हुए है।

शायद, तुम्हारी, भूरी आँखें ?

-x-

"You Are the Penultimate Love of My Life"

by Rebecca Hazelton

I want to spend a lot but not all of my years with you.

I will remember your eyes as green when they were gray.

Sex will be good but next door's will sound better.

There will be small things. I will pick up your damp towel from the bed, and then I won't.

I won't be as hot as I was when I wasn't yours

and your hairline now so untrustworthy.

You will bring me wine and notice how much I drink.

But there's something holding me here, for now,

Like your eyes, which I suppose are brown, after all.

—

(I took extreme liberty to translate in Hindi, few excerpts from the captioned poem as it felt very intriguing and different. Any translation loss is purely due to my lack of skill and craft)

Love, that’s taken for granted!

2023-12-11T17:05:00.004+05:30

Love that’s taken for granted.
Does not die an immediate, clean death.
It persists, chokes, gasps and hopes.
Staring into the dark, searching for a stray ray,
That might show the way through the chasm.

Love, that’s taken for granted.
Does not realise that sometimes a star-less gap in the night sky;
Is because of a blackhole.
That exists in stealth-mode.
Not letting any shred of goodness get past it.
Not even of hope. Or destiny.

Love, that’s taken for granted.
Forgets that once there were signs and symptoms,
Long before there was apathy and neglect.
Or excuses and de-prioritisation.
Long before there were arguments that deserved a discussion.
And silences that deserved the cushion of companionship.

Love, that’s taken for granted.
Has nowhere to go.
Except inwards.
And scratch and burn and cut and bruise.
As it digs deep.
But eventually rest, with rest of the regrets.
And emerge never again.

Love, that’s taken for granted.
Is the soil on which will grow.
Tomorrow!

Time & Value

2023-05-30T14:01:00.001+05:30

As a kid growing in 90s, one of the most inseparable part of our schooling was this subject on ‘Moral Science’ which while felt unnecessary then but today feels like the most important ingredient of overall personal growth and character building. Spread across several years, it touched upon some of the key facets of a rewarding life, internally and externally. One of them was Time & Value.

What the chapter broadly said could be summarized as – “However busy we are, we always end up finding time for things or people we value”. Value here is the operative word and not love or affection or even desire, which is so profound all these years later when I think about it. People who I truly value; my default setting just embraces them in a capsule where they have an almost unlimited access to my time. Yes I do have my zones that require long spells of concentrated focus on other things such as work or well-being or even vocations but when the call is placed by these people on me, I usually just clear out all the bandwidth intuitively and re-divert my attention back to them. Sometimes this backfires badly but rarely has it not gone a step ahead towards making the relationships stronger and more loving.

Why this line of thought now? Because due to something imperceptible lately, I realized that while this is a shade that’s been ingrained into my subconscious for decades, there are times when either I trip on it or I get extremely uncomfortable if someone else errs on it, mostly knowingly. Somehow, over decades, the tacit value of relationships has gone down substantially and there is a sense of shallowness that has crept-in the very way people engage with each other. Somehow it has become acceptable to not find time for relationships and still call them being valued. This is an anti-thesis to the entire logic of how it should be in a well-meaning world. In a well-meaning world, we attempt to understand people by investing in them and then bet long term on them. The only logical explanation of this aberration could be the fact that maybe people are no longer sure whether if the aforementioned relationship is for keeps or not. Maybe they do not have the concept of ‘leap of faith’ anymore wherein at times we do not have the full journey mapped ahead of us and still choose to pursue that path because as Sarveshwar Dayal Saxena ji said – “लीक पर वो चलें जिनके चरण दुर्बल और हारे हैं; हमें जो हमारी यात्रा से बनें, ऐसे अनिर्मित पंथ प्यारे हैं”. And in my opinion this quest is the most wonderful thing about the journey. What fun in knowing everything about someone before travelling together? Some journeys are more about the road than the destination.

Nevertheless, circling back to the original chain of thought, however busy one is, it is important to find time for those who we value. Life is all about the choices we make and our people; we should choose carefully and then keep choosing them every single day.

इस रात की सुबह नहीं …

2023-05-02T17:03:00.000+05:30

इस रात की सुबह नहीं,
इसमें कोई शुबह नहीं,
मैं ढूँढता हूँ उस मुक़ाम को,
जिसमें कोई गिरह नहीं,
इस रात की सुबह नहीं।

सूरज है मध्यम तेज आज,
पवन है सुप्त सेज आज,
रास्ते भी हैं भरे,
देव पीड़ा को हरें,
क्रांति की है निशब्द आहट,
पर मुझे कोई खबर नहीं,
इस रात की सुबह नहीं।

मैं हूँ रश्मि पर सवार,
हर दिक् में कर रहा स्वछंद विहार,
है मन ये मेरा सारथी,
हृदय विनम्र प्रार्थी,
ना रोक है ना टोक है,
ना भय है ना किंचित् शोक है,
ना ग़लत है ना कुछ सही,
इस रात की सुबह नहीं।

मैं स्वेद रक्त से चूर हूँ,
विश्वास से भरपूर हूँ,
भुजा में अतुल्य दंभ है,
भृकुटि में ना कोई प्रतिष्टम्भ है,
ये महारण का है पाञ्चजन्य,
कोई व्यक्तिगत आह्वान नहीं,
इस रात की सुबह नहीं।

इस रात की सुबह नहीं …

—

#IcarusSays

Relationships : Akin to Jigsaw puzzles or Valency

2022-09-02T10:04:00.003+05:30

The times that we live in are strange. The narratives suited to the world are well ingrained right from the childhood, through movies, books, ‘Adult’ conversations and beliefs. Which is why most of these remain unchallenged throughout our lives, till we encounter a small optional turn in the road somewhere which has a sign that says - Try this route this time, maybe. And that’s when some of the rethinking happens. Like this.

One of the narratives we have gotten comfortable with over time is that finding a partner or even a friend is like finding missing pieces of a jigsaw puzzle from the same box. It is the quest of One who will fit, right there, perfectly, like nothing had ever fit better before. Someone who will complete the picture and rekindle the joy of living and fruition of this very quest. Just that one piece, that will make every thing right from there on. That one piece of our individual jigsaw puzzle. Makes sense!

Makes sense, completely, but then is this all of it? Is this all that any relationship needs? Seeking a partner who fits? Is that how humans operate in practical world? Here I am not referring to an ideal state but to a more plausible (read practical) state. The actual state of affairs if I may take liberty to say so. And thus my hypothesis is slightly different. I equate human relationships with the concept of Valency and best illustrated through Lewis Dot Diagram, back from our Chemistry days.

But to begin with what is Valency and Lewis Dot Diagram. The combining capacity of an atom or group to form a compound is known as its valency. So the valency of Sodium is 1 and valency of Chlorine is -1 and thus they can combine to form a stable compound NaCl, more commonly known as Common Salt, stable enough to to consume. Lewis Dot Diagram is how this combination is represented pictorially.

Image Credit : Off Google search

To make it clearer, Super-active Sodium with 1 extra electron in it’s last orbit gives it to Super-active Chlorine which has 7 electrons in the last orbit which makes them both have 8 electrons each in their respective last orbits and the combined compound NaCl is thus Super-stable.

Quite straightforward to understand and put to practice if we draw a parallel to relationships. In most relationships, where we seek that one missing piece of jigsaw puzzle, the problem is that it is too specific a quest and too momentous a burden on just that one piece. The expectations are unreal and so the outcomes rarely live up to them. Also pictures formed through a jigsaw puzzle are stable only till they are on terra firma. In principle they are still individual loose piece which are meaningless individually. Not a great feeling at all. Mostly is relatable also.

That does not hold true with stable compounds that are formed with exchange of electrons. The responsibilities are shared and so is the gravity of partnership. The stability is at the highest because the very reason these were formed in the first place was because there was an innate desire in both the elements (or group of atoms) to lose hyperactivity and be stable. And while doing so, ensuring that the outcome is more useful to world in general and them in particular.

But at the very beginning of this text I also asserted that this is also a more plausible approach, a practical one at that. This assertion is because it does not ignore completely the influence of external forces. Change in circumstances such as heat, electrolysis or polar solvents can break the bond of NaCl for that matter, though it is a Super-strong bond, even from chemical standards. H2O, i,e, water, breaks down much more easily. Depends on the strength of the bond and external circumstances mostly.

But this theory allows for the provision of some bonds getting weaker and open to reacting with other elements or compounds over time. Which is when the strength of the bonds is tested. Some elements fleet through their life and still do not end up finding a partner with who they can form a long lasting stable bond, some settle down quick, some flip from time to time. I have come to believe that all human types are covered well within the Mendeleev’s table.

But then ofcourse this is one way of looking at it. I am sure there are numerous other ways to look at relationships and no one one way is right. Somehow I relate much better to Science than Heresy and thus the need to put this blog down for me to keep coming back to it and refresh if there is a change in how I feel about it many decades later. Having said that, if you are reading it right now, do ping up to discuss your viewpoints. Would love to know your sentiments on this.

~ #IcarusSays

चाय

2020-11-26T22:56:00.000+05:30

चाय!

मैंने चाय की तासीर को बदलते देखा है।

ग़ुस्से से बनायी गयी चाय।

प्यार से बनायी गयी चाय से अलग होती है।

आँच का फ़र्क होता है।

बाहर बाल्कनी में पैर रेलिंग के ऊपर रख के पी गयी चाय,

अंदर AC कमरे में सोफ़े पर क़रीने से बैठ के पी गयी चाय से अलग होती है।

ताप का फ़र्क़ होता है।

अलग होती है, चुस्की लेके, बिस्किट डुबो के पी हुई चाय,

जिसमें कब बातें घुल जाती हैं,

और कब बिस्किट,

पता ही नहीं चलता।

शायद जज़्बात का फ़र्क़ होता है।

और फ़र्क बता देती है चाय

Litmus Paper की तरह।

क्षारीय और अम्लीय तबीयत में।

क्यूँकि चाय में सिर्फ़ हाथ और साथ का फ़र्क़ होता है।

Lets Travel!

2019-02-20T21:03:00.002+05:30

Lets travel.

But not the way travellers do.
Or the kind sailors prefer.
Not even the kind that philosophers choose to.
Lets travel.
The way birds do.
Oblivious of the route.
And sheer disregard towards the destination.
Just for the pure joy of flight.
Because that’s all they know.

Lets travel.
To clear the head.
And sanctify the soul.
To let heartbeats catchup with cerebral scintillations.
And breaths slow down to the pace of an ordinary life.
To help rediscover the life that we claim to store within.
And repent having lost somewhere over past few decades.

Lets travel.
So that we uncomplicate, untangle, unwind.
The threads that bind our sanity to our consciousness.
And allow the strings tethered to the ground be snapped off.
Lets do all that and more.
——

I think...

2017-12-08T13:03:00.002+05:30

I think…

I think we, Humans, take things for granted.

Things that people do for each other.

Things that people do with each other; and also,

Things people do to each other.

We take them all for granted; till.

Till these things are pulled away.

One tiny shred at a time.

One fine stray string of linen, hanging to the side of the shroud.

Shroud that covered them, once.

Pulling the string, dissembling the shroud, painlessly (or may be sans-cognition) at first.

And then with vertebrae splattering pain, emanating from memories.

But then I also think that some of them have cracked the code.

To an extent that it is no longer a strain to cope up.

Or heartburn to fizzle out.

It is no longer an ache that unsettles like lovelorn souls.

Or perturbs the very core of beliefs and priorities.

It is also no more a tussle between individualities.

Or the undercurrent of ego and the Notion of self-respect.

It is also a far cry from the slip of words that used to bruise.

Or a mistimed repartee that misfired because, well, it was mistimed.

I think some of them have cracked the code of embracing each other’s shortcomings.

And letting them seep through their judgments, without the risk of being judged.

And then I realize that these people have understood well.

That the strength of people who are together lies in;

The empowerment that they bring to each other.

And the efficiency with which they can accumulate and disperse love.

The urgency that they can show towards concerns, while still keeping arm’s length.

And leniency they can bestow when anyone falters, even to the dismay of personal preferences, at times.

The love that is so underrated that it becomes the undercurrent rather than just a strong-urge.

And trust that comes with experiences and not emotives, over time.

That it is ok to lose battles, even the most important ones.

And be comfortable with the loss, collectively.

I realize that such people have understood well the concept of togetherness.

And have reached the stage of taking pride in the same.

I think, we need more such people.

I think, we should become such people.

Thursday Noons - Not yet Weekend!

2017-10-30T22:17:00.001+05:30

Thursday noon is the most treacherous of the lot.

Hanging amidst the promises of Weekend;

and rigmarole of one and a half work-day.

Very finely balancing its existence.

Like a Chandelier, up the roof, with micro-thread.

There and still not. Almost.

Thursday noon, playful, and still matured.

With half of the mind plotting schemes;

And the other half clotting remnants of crazy week that it was.

Smiling at its own yet not accomplished triumph.

Of having survived. Another day.

Thursday noon, semi-intoxicated.

With the proposed plans for Friday evening.

And Saturday, at times. Dabbling with choices.

Or making them all realise. One at a time.

Till heart soothes down. With an innate calm.

And soul pats the back, muttering - "Well done".

Thursday noons are just fine!

#CerebralScintillations

Hard-liners never sit on the fences!

2017-10-27T18:20:00.001+05:30

For reasons beyond the scope of this specific blog, I have always believed that the very genesis of intrinsic confidence is the power to stick to decisions. Taking that one decision and sticking to it, irrespective of how difficult the journey proves out to be, as long as you are convinced on the broad premise and it renders you peace. That broadly summarizes what has never failed to make me feel stronger, better. And while there have been multiple such decisions that I have taken, primarily over past 20 years, two such decisions standout very clearly, despite of both of them being random to the extent of being hilarious.

§ Year 1994: A 13 year old kid joins his new class (and new school) and gets introduced to his ‘naïve’ classmates reading erotica, hurling vernacular cuss words, harassing girls (sadly) fearlessly and crossing (invisible) boundary of the school (running out of IAF Barracks with two sections in the same room) to venture out into No-entry zones to kill time (or Date). The culture shock leads him to commit to self that this is what he will never succumb to and it’s been 23 years he has been sticking to it. This was the first tryst of a teenager with vices and their counters.

§ Year 2001: A 20 year old engineering student, addicted to consuming excess common salt needs a push to get rid of the addiction and devises a plan. During the next academic-break, he is dining at home and starts putting salt in the food till his mother notices and decrees that so much salt is not good for health and he should stop putting salt over cooked food. That was the last time he put salt over ‘cooked’ food, even if it is salt-less.

Weird as these examples may sound, their impact on the personal-construct has been immense and hence they still find a recall. Also, for some people ‘Selective Exiting’ leads to ‘Affirmation of Willpower’. As it is articulated in some of Vedic references as well. Try your luck may be? Drop in your experiences.

P.S.: Exited Twitter today. To begin with.

Metamorphosis!

2017-10-21T17:46:00.003+05:30

Walking on a weird trapeze.

Of being a rouge in the skin of porcelain.

From being Refined, Chivalrous, Articulate, Clean-shaven.

To Street-smart, Intuitive, Inappropriate, Stubbled

Boys become Men in so many entropic ways.

Either because of Life.

Or because of Love.

And both justify the transition perfectly fine.

How have you transitioned by the way?

~ M

And that worries me to no end!

2017-08-08T16:56:00.002+05:30

Us humans are a very strange specie if you come to think of it. There are times when we let go of our possessions so easily that it may baffle an ascetic but at times there is so much of possessiveness, so much of affinity that the mere thought of disconnecting is unsettling and unacceptable. This further translates into translation loss between definitions of Self Respect and Ego. And translation loss between individuals when it comes to such definitions viz - my self respect is somebody else's ego and vice versa. And the whole concept of Trust per se. I have all my life believed in Trust being a non-negotiable function and not subject to any interpretation. Its Black & White. It is there or it is not. If It is there, then it is there. Almost forever, till it is broken. Broken by an act of default in the relationship. And never by circumstances or distance or discomfort or introduction of new relationships or random vibes. Trust once established is there. Or it should have never been there. People should then accept that there was no trust in the first place. It was possibly an idea of trust. A fancy, malleable idea of trust that was suited to the need of the hour and very surfacial. The moment relationship started facing heat, it started melting. That

"Readers, please note. In any relationship, under a normal circumstance, if things start getting heated up, Trust is the last metal to Melt. If it is not so, please step up and accept that there was never a thing called Trust in the first place"

Coming back, what is important is that people are patient. Towards each other. People should relax a bit and let the tide of emotions pass before taking decisions that may leave a dent and at times an irrevocable vacuum. People should hold onto trust and take cue on next step from there. Absorbing the negativity for a while and then just let Trust be a spongeblob, soaking it all in, post-facto. Or just letting Trust bear the accusations upfront and keep their souls light and sans-retribution. People should believe more in the power of Trust than they believe in their own understanding of situations. People should let intuitions run their course before actually reacting. People should be more considerate. People should always put themselves in their people's shoes and then feel the impact of their words and heat of their arguments. People should always Trust their People, indefinitely. Or they just should not believe in the concept of their People.

Time, this Time, is such that we respect 'Now' more than the 'Past'

Inability to see future clouds our vision, our decisions

And haste of taking decisions makes us achievers but losers

In Long Run, and in Short.

And that worries me. And perturbs me no end.

Because figment by figment, we will end up chaffing out the layers of relationships.

Layers that protected and nurtured it, over time and tides.

And which now lays naked, on the ground, crying hoarse, for respite.

And that worries me to no end!

---

Time-Travellers

2017-07-27T15:44:00.000+05:30

We are all Time-Travellers in a way.

Believing more in Sojourns than in Permanent residences.

Trusting our instincts rather than decisions.

And preferring to commence travel by announcing rather than arriving.

Ruining beautiful thing that Travel evidently is.

We are all Time-Travellers in a way.

Reading Poems, without fastening the seat-belts.

Not believing in the concept of “Poetry in Motion”

Or the giddiness or joyous spring in the stride that a good poetry can bring.

Only scathing surface of the entire sea-bed that writing entails.

We are all Time-Travellers in a way.

Spending our days wandering and nights recuperating.

Rather than spending every single moment of breathing lifetime on traversing.

Travelling inwards, as we travel further, taking deep casting sighs.

And not entrusting our own sense of direction or destination.

And hence at times ruing for not been able to reach the destination

While actually having passed-by the milestone way back, since we were distracted.

We are all Time-Travellers in a way.

And we arguably have learnt to be proud of it.

----

We deserve a much more Fulfilling Life!

2017-06-23T15:55:00.001+05:30

We deserve a much more Fulfilling Life!

Days that challenge us to the hilt

But nights that soothe down the fatigue, with gentle caress

And a quilt pulled over the head,

Even in summers, to cut-off from the world

Finding solace in sweat or shivers

We deserve a much more Fulfilling Life!

With Fuel tank filled to the brim

And music, stories streaming in the Car

Anti-thesis to the world outside the window

Or maybe drawing out a parallel sublime world

Creating a new reality, a more acceptable one

We deserve a much more Fulfilling Life!

A travel itinerary that looks more like a rough map drawn by a 7 year old kid

Lines crisscrossing, points overlapping, colors palm-printed

And still making sense to the whole purpose of travelling

Because travel should take one deeper rather than further

Because itineraries choke the conduits to explore beyond imagination

We deserve much more Fulfilling Life!

Full of Mud, Mess, Mingling but never Monotony

Amoebic but with a sense of purpose

And long-hauled walks but with enough rest in-between

Breathing in the air that emanates culture and literature

And exhaling exhilaration that only a seeker can feel

We deserve a much more Fulfilling Life!

~Icarus

My Reader!

2017-03-11T15:40:00.001+05:30

My Reader!

I look for you in the quiet spaces between the words.
The mandatory spaces that set two contrarian words apart and make the poetry come alive.

I hold my breath while deftly negotiating the curves of the commas and polite paucity of full-stops.
To reach you. You, who waits for me to walk up and whisper in ears. Mostly in poetry.

I don't know yet if I reach you or you pull me to yourself.
Like while reading a book, its cover wants to peel itself off but reader is either too absorbed to care or too casual to notice.

You are that reader. I am the cover.

Shall we read together? Shall we?

----

The curious case of being a Misfit !

2016-06-04T02:03:00.000+05:30

I am an eternal misfit. That's not a statement. That's a realisation. A realisation that stems from an acceptance that is now crying hoarse for its due. An acceptance that should have had happened arguably several years back but for a misplaced notion of linking 'Being Misfit' to 'Being Non Acceptable', which surprisingly was never the case.

In every frame of reference there are two facets, External and Internal. Externally I have always been socially well acceptable and that has probably been accrued from the fact that it's very difficult for me to offend people as long as they don't unduly hard press me against the wall and hence rarely been a problem to stay afloat within a group, externally. However, internally it's always been a tussle. A tussle which is difficult to articulate but let me put through a narrative.

I have a tattoo of Icarus on my upper arm. Icarus, dashing towards Sun, wings firmly clipped this time, unlike Wax in the original mythological narrative. And am asked lot of times on why I ended up getting a non-heroic character inked on me when I could have had chosen anyone from Zeus to Hercules to Nelson Mandela (!). The argument of those who point out this anomaly is not flawed and infact it's a steady argument but for reasons not many can appreciate, I always found Icarus fascinating. Since that day of May 1991 when I first read 'The Background' by Saki wherein Pincini, the most revered master of Tattoo art inked on the back of Henri Deplis, his most brilliant tattoo ever - 'The fall of Icarus '.

Since that summer afternoon Icarus somehow got etched into my psyche and over the years I realised that in many ways I have a tendency to be like the fallen hero. In highly relatable contexts I realised that there is an innate want in me to soar high and mostly with right focus I do, but there is also a tendency to fly too close to the sun. My flight leads me to disconnect from the ground, relationships, reality and at times even self. I also realised that for good reasons I do not allow my flight to cross the realms of dark or turn morally amiss, but irrespective, the course is precarious. So with hits and misses (probably hundreds of them), I kind of settled for an equilibrium and that was when I decided to get the Icarus inked on me. To remind me of what I am and where can that lead me to. And that accrues to me the tendency to be a misfit.

In general settings I have been attuned to tone self down as not to intimidate (yes, that's correct) others but I do realise that it's not my normal demeanour. And that thus leads to duality or ambivalence. Having said that, the extent of misfit is worrying. Add to that the fact that hand on heart I don't perfectly trust anyone, except self. So a semi-trusting misfit who is confident only when my heart gives it a Go. Sigh.

Am I worried? Certainly not.
Do I make an effort to fit-in? Not one instance I can recall.
Is this an approach I would like people close to me to have ? Absolutely not.

I think it's ok to be a bit weird. It's better than not being at peace with yourself. It's also better than being another run of the mill product probably.

Till I understand it better, let me stay a Misfit. Maybe this piece is meant to fit-in in the end! May be!

Without saying a word, you can light up the dark ...

2014-02-12T04:41:00.001+05:30

Without saying a word, you can light up the dark.
Sans blood and breath, you can pump up the heart.
Its unbelievable at times, how you understand it all.
At times I trip just so that, you can halt my fall.

There are times when you say, "how can You be aloof amidst crazy noise".
Why's it so difficult to see that with you, am just listening to your eyes.
When your eyes do the talking, surrounding world takes the back seat.
And then you naively ask me, "M., do I still make you miss a beat".

There are milestones I pursue and achieve, yet never feel the high.
Then there is this random brush of your hair, that still makes me sigh.
There are evenings that I have spent, just looking at you through the rainbow of drinks.
And have noticed you catching me every single time, when I somehow forgot to blink.

Years are mere numbers (Six,today, right?), occasions just shallow instances, their significance just evaporates, as we grow.
Loving can be limited to days, occasions, is something that I critically(and sadly) don't know :-).
But do continue to express your will, through your sublime smile and love set glazed.
Because just being with you and to experience all of above, has an ineffable intoxication and keeps me dazed.

~ Manu

Julley Leh! It was awesome getting LEH'ed !!!

2012-07-28T17:34:00.003+05:30

As I somehow begin to jot my thoughts down, I am almost certain it will again turn out into a travelogue, which, is a dreadful thought. It’s not that I don’t like putting down notes about the places I travel to. It’s just that One - I don’t write too many blogs anyways and thus travelogues are the only posts that are there on my homepage to judge-me-on if someday Booker Committee is looking through random blogs to scout the next esteemed winner you see. Who knows maybe, why take a chance. And Two - Because I don’t think I really do justice to Travelogues. I mix too many things - Unwarranted, Unrequited. So my less than 3 regular readers, you still have a choice,whether to spend next few minutes of your lifetime to browse Twitter, Metacafe, FB etc lest you be interested in reiterative useless piece of writing. (See I am giving links also here for your convenience. Social Service Award anyone? No? Ok!)

LEH, Capital of Ladakh. State – J & K... Dear Bucket List. Here goes another one. Swoosh!

Alas! Anti climax to your expectations (!), I think Leh was 'Okay'. I mean yes it was a different kind of adventure-oriented experience and I seriously witnessed stuffs I had not witnessed earlier but still I somehow found it - Average. Or may be as is something wrong with my hard-wiring, I believe I was expecting a bit too much or probably 'coz Gangotri - Gomukh Trek has no comparison, whichever be the case, that is how I felt then and still feeling. But having said that, I also believe that it is certainly a place worth visiting once. Its Wet- Dry - Cold - Hot (Yes trust me when I say this) - Windy - Still ... Beautiful!

Experiences! Leh, is a place that calls for just letting yourself be. It’s testing but protective. I still remember, during the preparations for the trip, I repeatedly told everyone to be prepared for AMS (Acute Mountain Sickness), Breathlessness, Anxiety et al and despite of that when I reached there, I was the one who got sick first. Thanks to loads of research, I just allowed myself to relax as much as possible and let Leh teach me how to breath. So exactly a day later I was fit like never before (while some of the other folks were still battling the mild symptoms). And never took to any altitude sickness again. Guess that is the ‘Cue’ there. Just take it easy and don’t overdo yourself. Let Nature take over and Let yourself drift, lightly, without offering inertia !

Bikers! That’s kind of a synonym for this place. You go anywhere, you will find riders in flocks heading towards one or the other terrain. Just kind of fitting into the landscape. Not to be missed if you plan to go there.

Touristy Thing! Some of the places like Khardung-La & Chang-La are definitely worth a visit. You will get an approximate 'near-iota' idea of what life is for armed forces personnel. RESPECT. While the former falls when you drive towards Nubra Valley (An over-hyped place-Diksit,Hunder), the latter is on Leh-Pangong Lake route. Ya! Ya! The 3 Idiot Lake, if that makes you happy. Beautiful but again over-hyped location. :-) And yes, should you need to know, this Lake has appx 150 km spread, only one-third of which is in India. And also that this lake is considered as sacred so think twice before chilling your Godfather (Leh's answer to Kingfisher beer) here. Just in case.

My High-points of the Trip? Well actually couple of them;

Visiting Phyang Monastery and spending over 2 hours there, debating origin and traverses of Buddhism with Head Lama amidst ongoing preparations for Revd Dalai Lama's visit 2 days later.
Visiting Shanti Stupa at 5:30 am in the morning and getting a feel that World is nothing but a figment of our imaginations. The only place I ever felt completely disconnected from everything else,worldly.
Visiting Hemis Monastery and feeling the sensation which you only get when you are at a place different from others. As per my research (thank you thank you), this is place where the documentary proofs of Jesus’ stay in India were archived for ages. Apparently Christ spent his youth in Kashmir learning whatever Buddhism had to offer. Don’t believe. Read New Testament & Bodhisattva’s teachings and trace the striking similarities.
Random Bike Rides - Pick Enfield 350 cc and just let it be. It just enhances the whole experience.
Border road organisation (BRO) – Amazing efforts of building roads through all so magnificent mountains. Respect. And hats off to those who crafted your captions – e.g. – I am Curvaceous, Please Handle my Curves with Care; Darling I like you but not so Fast; and so many others.
People - Interact with locals. Its therapeutic...

It was indeed a memorable trip and if I were to summarize it all in 3 pointers they would be;

Immense Respect to Armed Forces for everything. You will know what I mean when you visit Leh, once.
Peace cannot be sought outside. Its always within your own self.
We, humans are nothing. Absolutely Nothing in the magnanimous design of Universe.

Julley Leh. You were lovely and it was awesome getting LEH’ed there …

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Shanti Stupa

Where Skies are as clear as Hearts!

Buddha@Shanti Stupa

Beauty & The Bridge ! @ Camel Safari,Hunder

Pangong

Saffron spread enroute Hemis Monastery

Flakes!

Flights of Fantasy !

Those for whom LEH is not a touristy circuit!

Traverses !

Buddha @ Diksit Monastery

Blooming Beauty!

Canopy !

Hemis Monastery

Escape to Self !

2012-07-08T23:11:00.001+05:30

These days routine has become a bit too idle. All my plans regarding joining Guitar, Photography, Swimming, Archery and what nots have literally gone down the drain and all that I could manage to do (worth quoting here) is stealing a quick trip to Bhandardara, a beautiful hill station near Maharashtra. Only if monsoon had arrived as it had committed,the place would have been atleast thousand times more amazing. Only if ! Few days of absolute serenity in Bhandardara were kind of detoxing for my internal psyche after over 5 years of non stop work-life.

Now back home at Meerut for a month am gearing up for the amazingly poised Ladakh trip starting 11th of this month and am kind of losing my sleep over it. 6 cousins on a 7 day long escapade without their better halves. I am not taking the credit for this remarkable feat but you then got to give some respect to the catalyst as well. Wouldn't you!

There is so much to write, if only I am able to pose myself some serious pretexts and ask for answers but now is not the time. Will be back soon,hopefully,after the Ladakh trip.

Bon Voyage to Self ! Escape to Self !

Corporate Travelogue !

2012-05-09T22:27:00.000+05:30

Few more days to go for 5 years of my not-so-awesome stint in corporate life. For the uninitiated, 14th May 07 was when I recall having taken the last real decision in my life. A decision to eternal (its such a b'ful word. Completely absorbs the meaning implied and is pretty revocable as well at later date) bonded slavery. When I had let short term logics take over long term dreams and decided to take a plunge. A pretty deep one at that.

If you actually managed to read through that preamble,Respect.

So, having established that and in sync with my infrequent blogging (which I modestly explain as not been able to gather thoughts ofcourse and which actually can mostly be ascribed to psychic lethargy) I am just going through this phase of 'not-knowing-what-I-should-be-doing' syndrome. 5 years is a landmark in general terms but I somehow feel its very regressive. How?

Lets see what I factually lost in all these years

Creativity of thought, of action
Humanitarian touch, empathy
Focus, determination
Consistent persistence towards a goal, visible, invisible, deemed, non existent
Capability to build long term touch & affection; and maybe a few good people. More about that later.

What have I gained?

Can I count in my Car & LCD here if allowed to? No? Ok ...

No. I wouldn't say that its been a bad phase. That would be unreasonable apathy towards all that I have accrued but yes its been a pretty very average run barring few and far niche 'n nicer patches.

Was reading this brilliant book translated into English by Bhawana Somaiya - Krishna: The God who lived as a man. Remarkably amazing book. And at one instance when Krishna (I am Peepal amongst the trees - Bhagwat Geeta) while lying against the bark of Peepal tree, foot bleeding with the arrow shot from the bow of Jara the hunter contemplates and sighs - 'Life is more like the path taken by a Trapeze artist walking over tight ropes. To balance himself he has to keep moving come what may but in the end he will have to invariably come back to the starting point every time'

So true. That's precisely what I have been doing and unfortunately have been seeing people around me doing all the time. Walking on the tight ropes. Trying to find a balance amidst acute chaos. And at such times I feel that at least I accept the status and am aware thus not attaching artificial glory to some petty achievements. There are several of those who don't accept the status as it is. Sadly.

And then the quintessential rat race. I am ok with the rat race after having spent some time in corporate. I am also ok with staying the rat even after coming out as a winner of the race (as if I have a choice here after having run with the rats) but atleast then one got to be complete rat like. Communal, Participative and Harmonic. Guess only humans can be so amoebic. Rat at one instant, a Canine at another and mostly like a Cuckoo bird, taking someone else's credit and throwing off other's efforts down the drain. Mostly.

But am I being a bit too caustic? Yes of course but again this is not a remorse or regret. As I stated above, this is just because I am aware of what is happening to me and surroundings. The changes. Variables. Its a cognition and not repentance and for reasons deep rooted within me,I have to keep shoveling myself at regular intervals just as to ensure that I am still pretty much alive ...

I realize that even this post like many others on this blog can be termed as 'Karna' I guess. Born merely out of curiosity ... Curiosity to drill 'n grill and hard-press the haywired psyche.

Its a Long journey ahead. Bon Voyage to self !

Camping.Trekking.Wanderlust.LIFE !

2012-02-28T22:20:00.008+05:30

Even at the cost of reiteration and pretext of being finicky at all times I hereby would reinstate my views. The most beautiful things in life almost always come for free. This was the note on which I planned the said trip itinerary of mine and this was precisely the affirmation that came out of it. Seclusion. Roads less traveled. Non-touristy circuit. Midst of forest range. Friends and Long Zoom camera for company. Bliss.So while the weekend before last was spent amidst the frothing serenity of Kashid, with family; this was the weekend of sheer adventure, thrill and fun unbound as 6 of us,office colleagues, backpacked and drove down to Lonavala for a camping cum trekking trip to Rajmachi Fort. Before I start this travelogues, let me put a word of thanks to oh so wonderful Abhijeet & Maansi from Letscampout - a team that organizes such camps for wanderlust driven souls like ours.

So, having reached Lonavala (which infact is just over 75 minutes drive from my part of the city) we took an SUV cab to Rajmachi. I somehow have become an unofficial trip planner for my department over past 1 year but then this time even I wasn't very sure of the whole rendezvous as there was no prior evidence of success. Blank but excitedly we disembarked at Village Rajmachi and headed to our campsite. Amazing comfortable camps awaited our arrival but we wanted some action so after an awesomely sumptuous lunch we took off for a casual walk to the cliff and then to the nearby lake. A lake crossing session was organised for us and while it tested stamina, it nevertheless was good fun. Back to camp site a barbecue and campfire was organised and it was further corroborated by spooky tales we discussed. This followed by a (mid) night trek - lit only by solar lanterns was worth every missed beat. And the best part, after so many years I could actually see so many stars in the sky and crescent moon all so close to us. Silence is the best healer and that was evident from the all-so-cheerful conversations. Was wondering all the time if this was all in some way lost courtesy our work, routines, life.

After a slightly disturbed sleep (imagine sleeping in the middle of a forest with monkeys climbing over trees and dogs sniffing around. Add to that news of a wild boar hunted down in the vicinity in the evening) we got up to a clear 'n chilly morning. After freshening up we headed for a trek to Rajmachi fort which is considered as second most difficult trek in Maharashtra (not really!). 2 hours and gallons of sweat later we left from the campsite to Lonavala.

It was all very rejuvenating and the silence was so connecting to self that while driving back, honking of horns was a pain to ears. Back to the rut, I was feeling completely out of place and completely out of sync. Having said that, I feel light, determined and so much more willing to take up another excursion soon. Very soon. So next weekend I am off to MP for some tourist thing coupled with relative-bonding.

If only time could just cease to tick whenever heart is at bliss missing beats ... if only ...

Kumaon Sojourn & Psychic Travelogue ...

2011-12-13T13:01:00.001+05:30

Been some time I wanted to upgrade my Camera and the impulsive person I am, waiting for someone to come from US to get it for me was absolutely a no-deal. So while the new camera is again a point & Shoot one, it suffices my requirement of playing around with scenes and colors ...

One reason of why I love my organization (alas ... will be qualified for gratuity next April) is the concept of 10 working days' compulsory stack-leave which translates into minimum 16 days of off-days. This means I can play around with any new vocation while at it. This time around it was a trip back home coupled with a road trip through Kumaon Garhwal.

Ok. I have no qualm in admitting that Tihri & Pauri are way much more beautiful and absolutely breathtaking but then even this trip wasnt too bad. Infact it allowed me to step back and contemplate, slowly-rejuvenate and above all facilitated connection with the self;if I may say so. Strangely it wasnt very satiating for someone who has walked all the way to Gomukh during one cold October. But never mind. Every place is distinct in its own way. Thats what my sojourns have taught me.

Birds of Feather !

A drive past Haridwar provokes senses like nothing. Watching migratory birds sitting on rotting tree trunks was a catalyst in my perpetually oozing thought process;the most prominent being why I moved from Delhi to Mumbai. Something that I still need to find answer to. Was it all worth it ? Maybe for someone who believes in the eventual good in all instances still needs to see the merit that has gotten accrued.

Choices !!!

And then life is all about the turns we take;the choices we make. There are times when I wonder if life would have had been different if my choices were based on different stances and the answer is vehemently affirmative,always. And I am not talking about professional choices here. I am talking about the psychic and personal choices. I am not being judgmental thus would refrain from drilling further but thats' my strongest learning over the past few years.

Ekla Chalo !

Then there is the innate fun of treading unknowns, alone. I mean yes I am absolutely social but then serenity,peace of mind is something that I can only experience when I am on my own. So,when I am high or low or whatever phase,all I need is to be alone. During engg it used to be closing myself down in my room and reading/writing poems; It was in MBA I discovered the soothing effects that walking has on me. Something I love till today wherein a daily walk of 6-7 kms is an everyday ritual. Alone... Even today I travel only during off seasons to all tourist places. Somehow cannot survive too much of activity. Get tired,phased out.

Doors to Heavens

The most irritating habit of mine then (for my closed ones ofc). I just am not religious. I just cant stand overt display of religion. Ok,to clear the air it doesn't mean that I am anti-religion or sort. I am absolutely Ok with it but then unfortunately I cannot connect with One supreme being. I somehow see Him in so many things. There are times when I cross my heart at a milestone or a beggar on street and then there are instances wherein I have traveled all the way to Yamunotri & Gangotri and haven't even stepped inside the revered shrines. This particular mosque at Nainital drew me,aesthetically.

Focus !!!

Focus. Believe that is something that had remained my core strength all those years,till MBA happened. I know.Strange but that is how it is. Admittedly, today but for a few brilliantly loving relationship(s) I got out of my B-school, there is nothing that matches the overall development of my tenacity and robustness at Engineering college. It was at Engg that I learnt to value the most obvious chords of life - Friends for that matter and Focusing on the priority items. This pic strangely reminded me of me-then. Giving even a damn to the environment and only looking forward. Today its just so different.

Beauty lies 'within' the Beholder

Finding beauty in everything we do. How often do we make an attempt at peeping through the wall and throw an appreciative glance at the fiercest of our competitors ? This pic... This pic is nothing but a calibration that came out of continuously hitting auto-correct in Microsoft Office Picture Manager. Before that it was a very very ordinary pic. How many of us hit self-correct options with this kind of vengenace and more than that accept the need to hit that button in the first place. Strange. Life is the simplest riddle of all. Provided we are simple and grounded enough.

I realize that I started with a very different notation of putting up this post but then no point going back and making amendments. It has gone into an entirely different dimension of my least favorite subject - Philosophy ... But then it happens all the time. And at least for a change let me accept it gracefully :-)

So long ...

The missing strands from yesteryears !

2011-12-11T09:07:00.001+05:30

आया है मुझे फिर याद ओ जालिम, गुजरा ज़माना बचपन का,
हाय ! रे अकेले छोड़ के जाना, और ना आना बचपन का...
(- देवर/आनंद बक्शी/रफ़ी)

All of us at some point of time get reminiscent about our yesteryears and the connecting threads to those beautifully naive days. Dont we? Typically the existence amidst bare essentials and still an eruptive self confidence & heart at peace. Or may be this was the very reason of having such strong bond with those days. I mean the joy of getting my new car never matched the joy of getting my first second hand bicycle. The freedom of getting any amount of pocket money I want from our already restrained monthly budget was umpteen times more liberating (and satiating) than splurging on the latest point & shoot from my own salary. The fun of going to relatives' places during summer vacations was much more rejuvenating than traversing exotic places that I visit now,every year...

1989-90 : A typical family sized vacation cum post b'day cool-off

Why is it so ? What is that one strand that I am missing ? What is that single chord that needs to be reset again as to render that ol' perfect harmony ? What is the missing component that is facilitating the staggered disintegration of my innate capability of drawing pleasure from smallest of the joys ?

Or are these things not specific to me ??? Are you too also one of those who when get a chance to contemplate,get surprised by how much you have changed in past 1 decade ? Affirmative ?

Genesis : Was watching Rangoli after so many years, the only streaming connection remaining from those days till today. Was reliving the joy of Sunday @ 8am till power went off.

कुन फाया !!! An attempt at translation/interpretation !

2011-11-20T17:44:00.009+05:30

To admit on a cursive note, I am not at all a music buff (or Soofi :-) and there are just two criteria for me to love any composition ; 1) It got to be hummable with unique notes & 2) Lyrics ... In exactly reverse order of priority ...

So even though Rockstar didn't click the way I expected it to; Irshaad Kaamil is now the new someone in my life, purely in terms of writing ... Been a long time I came across deep poetry .to say the least ... This leads me to the reason behind this post. Putting down below कुन फाया ... song from the same movie, as highlighted /Philosophized by Priyanka and interpreted by me ... Beautiful Song, Zillions interpretations. Regret any unwarranted anomaly to the one that you may have referred to ...

Happy Sailing through ...

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रंगरेज़ा, रंगरेज़ा …

(O Dyer! We dye in your color – Referring to God who colors everyone in his own color; each one in his own and HIS own )

कुन फाया कुन ...

(Be & It is ~ As per Quran - Sura Al-Baqrah Verse 117, when God as originator of Heavens and Earth wanted to create both the worlds He decrees – BE and as they are created He says – IT IS )

जब कहीं पे कुछ नहीं भी नहीं था, वो ही था ...

(One of the most soulful lines in the entire piece. Carefully reading, it says, When in the World even ‘nothing’ was not there, He was present!)

वो जो मुझ में समाया, वो जो तुझ में समाया ... मौला वही, वही माया ...

(He, who is now in My soul & He who is now even in Your soul; He is the God; He is the ultimate mystery)

रंगरेज़ा रंग मेरा तन मेरा मन , ले-ले रंगाई चाहे तन चाहे मन …

(O Dyer – The God, color my body, my soul with Your color; As the fee for coloring, take whichever you like – My Body or My Soul)

सजदा सवेरा मेरे तन बरसे ... कजरा अन्धेरा तेरी जान की लौ ... कतरा मिला जो तेरे दर बरसे , ओ मौला ...

(The morning showers its blessings on me when I pray … and the darkness of my soul is enlightened … When I get even a small bit of You from Your abode )

कुन फाया कुन ...

हो मुझ पे करम सरकार तेरा , अरज तुझसे करदे मुझे, मुझसे ही रिहा,

(It would be your generosity on me O My Lord, I pray thee to free me from my own self)
अब मुझको भी हो दीदार मेरा, करदे मुझे मुझसे ही रिहा,

(Grant me vision of my own real self, O Lord, free me from my own self)

मन के मेरे ये भ्रम , कच्चे मेरे ये करम ... लेके चले हैं कहाँ, में तो जानूं ही ना ...

(These illusions, vanities and these misdeeds of mine … They are taking me to the unknown places. )

तू है मुझ में समाया , कहाँ लेके मुझे आया ... में हूँ तुझ में समाया, तेरे पीछे चला आया ... तेरा ही मैं एक साया ...

(You reside within me and see where have you brought me O Lord … And I am residing within You, thus perpetually following You, because I am Your shadow and nothing else)

तुने मुझको बनाया , मैं तो जग को ना भाया ... तुने गले से लगाया ... हक तू ही तय खुदाया ... सच तू ही है खुदाया...

(You created me and I was never suited to the worldly ways … You embraced me … You have my true ownership and only You are the truth …)

कुन फाया कुन ...

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