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Groove Funnels Is The Ultimate CRM, Website & Sales Funnel Builder And You Can Start For FREE!!

2021-12-17T18:35:00.000-07:00

In this day and age, any business that wants to thrive must go online.

With so many things going on worldwide and global changes that will forever impact the way people live and do business, going online is no longer just an option.

Not only to maintain their success but even just to survive.

Sure, there are already available tools that any business can use to run their entire company and processes digitally.

However, any minimum amount of research will tell you that most of these products are expensive, complicated, and limited in customization.

In other words, not very user-friendly, and definitely not suitable for all business owners, especially those who are less tech-savvy and might even be on a budget.

I mean, who can afford to invest thousands of dollars a month into a bunch of complicated tools, and on top of that, hire employees to manage the systems, right?

Well, if this sounds familiar in any way, I have some good news for you.

As an online marketer and blogger myself, I am always looking for new solutions for these everyday challenges we face as business owners.

Today, I am very excited to introduce you to my latest discovery.

GrooveFunnels is, by far, the best way I have found to be able to build websites, sales funnels, and sell digital products online.

The best part? It’s FREE.

But the free value does not end there…

You see, GrooveFunnels is not just a website and sales funnel builder.

The co-founder of GrooveFunnels, Mike Filsaime, is actually a veteran in the Internet marketing space and has put all his experience and expertise into one of the best suites of marketing tools I have ever seen.

I’ve also signed myself up for an account (it’s free), and for the past few days, I’ve had the chance to play around with it.

And you know what?

I can definitely tell you that this 100% free tool is perfectly capable of running your entire business, maybe even better than some of the expensive complicated tools out there.

I’m not exaggerating by any means…

From what I’ve seen so far, GrooveFunnels includes everything that I need to run my online business, all for absolutely free.

Here’s just a quick list of what I’ve gathered so far:

FREE sales, page, and funnel building platform
Possible to build my own branded websites with full navigation
Can integrate with my own custom domain name
Able to sell my products with what they call a 1-click upsell
Capability to integrate upsells, downsells, and order bumps
Even has a way to create my own powerful affiliate program for my products!

And that’s just for starters because there is so much more for me to explore!

I’m not even joking when I say that I am planning to change my ENTIRE online business over to GrooveFunnels!

I mean, why wouldn’t I?

It’s FREE, and it’s probably the BEST suite of marketing tools I have ever seen in my life.

By the way, there’s more…

I didn’t even mention some of my favorite benefits of GrooveFunnels.

As a member, I’ve also received a TON of community benefits.

I’ve been able to join their private Facebook group, connect with marketing experts inside, get help with all my problems, access private training within their own academy, ask questions through their helpdesk, and meet other like-minded entrepreneurs just like me to make the best use of these tools.

So, if you’re like me… Striving to grow your business, looking to learn more about marketing, and getting to know some of the best in the industry at a more personal level, then you won’t want to miss out on this opportunity.

Sounds great, right?

But you might be asking… what’s the catch?

The catch is that GrooveFunnels is free, but for a limited time only.

GrooveFunnels is in its pre-launch phase, which means that many of the products have still yet to fully launch.

When they do, and as the products continue to get upgraded, GrooveFunnels may no longer be free anymore.

This means that now is the time to sign up for your free account, which would also qualify you for the additional software upgrades that they make as time goes on.

Awesome deal, right?

It’s called being at the right place, at the right time.

And that’s where we’re at right now :)

Don’t wait any longer, because I’m honestly unsure when this free offer will go away.

Do yourself a favor and sign up for your free GrooveFunnels account right now, and I will see you inside of the Facebook group.

This Mortal Coil

2019-02-11T12:18:00.001-07:00

The MOST Comfortable Fold-Up Mattress EVER is the Milliard Memory Foam Mattress!

2019-01-04T20:20:00.000-07:00

When my college student daughter came to stay for 3 weeks over Christmas holidays, I knew my two-seated sofa would not be comfortable for that long. I needed a solution and FAST!

When my oldest came to visit for a few weeks, I would happily give up my memory foam queen bed and bedroom. I would be sleeping in the living room on the sofa which has been fine for a few days but for 3 weeks? No way!

I searched the internet for possible mattress solutions that could easily be stored away during the day. I wanted something that folded but was not uncomfortable, like a camp mattress. After reading many reviews, and comparison shopping online, I came across the perfect mattress on Amazon. The reviews were exceptional and informative so I decided to buy the 6" Milliard Memory Foam Foldable Mattress. I was still skeptical and not sure if it would be as good as it seemed.

The mattress was delivered right to my door in just a few days. It was rolled tightly into a 2' x 2' x 5' box. The instructions said to lay the mattress out flat for up to 8 hours in order for it to expand to its full size. I immediately opened up the box and rolled the mattress out flat. After about 6 hours, the mattress was its full 6 inches thick and so very soft and comfortable.

The Milliard Memory Foam Foldable Mattress comes in twin, full, and queen. I chose full to accommodate a couple of people but did not take up too much space in a room. The cover is made of soft bamboo fibers and is machine washable so it is super easy to keep clean.

This mattress expanded into a 6 inch thick peace of heaven. Not only is this an ideal mattress because it folds up for easy storage when not in use and has a washable cover, but it is comfortable for as many days slumber as you need.

I slept well those 3 weeks. It was as good as my queen mattress. I was so glad I bought the Milliard Memory Foam Mattress and recommend it to everyone.

We use our Milliard 6" Memory Foam Mattress for sleepovers with friends and when company stays over night because it is so comfortable.

No more having guests sleep on an uncomfortable couch or you sleeping on the sofa while you give your bed up for guests.

The 6" Milliard Memory Foam Foldable Mattress is fantastic! You will be happy you bought this mattress for overnight guests and may even prefer it to your own bed:)

Capital Gains Tax: How to Minimize or Avoid it When Selling Property

2019-01-04T19:30:00.002-07:00

If you are considering selling income or investment property, here is what you should know about capital gains.

Whether you are contemplating turning a principal residence into in income property or considering real estate investing, knowing how to navigate capital gains tax law can save you money come tax time.

If you own property that is not a principal residence, the revenue generated from selling that property can be taxed under Revenue Canada’s Taxation Laws as capital gains.

By educating yourself on how capital gains is applied to the sale of property and knowing what the CRA considers to be a “sale” of property, you will be able to minimize the amount of capital gains tax you have to pay at the end of the year and, perhaps, even avoid it altogether.

What is capital gains?

According to Revenue Canada (CRA):

Capital gain occurs when you sell, or are considered to have sold, a capital property for more than the total of its adjusted cost base and the outlays and expenses incurred to sell the property.

Capital loss occurs when you sell, or are considered to have sold, a capital property for less than the total of its adjusted cost base and the outlays and expenses incurred to sell the property.

Capital property includes:

Cottages
Securities – stocks, bonds, units of a mutual fund
Land, buildings, equipment, used for business or for rental income

You will have a capital gain or loss when you have or are considered to have sold capital property.

Here are some examples that are considered a sale:

Exchanging one property for another
Giving property (other than cash) as a gift
Transfer of property to a trust
Property is expropriated
Property is stolen or destroyed
Change in all or part of a property’s usage
Emigration from Canada
The owner dies

In terms of real estate, the above conditions are considered a sale that may lead to a capital gain or a loss that must be claimed the year it occurred.

How is a loss or gain determined?

If you sell a property for more than you paid for it (less any legitimate cost incurred from its sale), you have a capital gain.

Alternatively, if you experienced a loss from the sale of the property, you have incurred a capital loss.

If you owned the property personally, the capital gain is added to your annual income and the loss is deducted from your income. If your business owned the real estate, the capital gain or loss is applied to your business income for that year’s tax filing.

How is a capital gain calculated?

According to Revenue Canada, ½ of the income received from the sale of

the property (less any acceptable costs incurred from the sale) is taxable. If

you owned the property personally, that ½ is added to your personal income and

taxed based upon whatever tax bracket you fall under. Because Canada employs a

progressive taxation system from personal income, that percentage of tax

varies.

To see that federal tax rate for your personal income, click here. To find out what tax rate you fall into provincially or territorially, click here.

For example,

If you sell an investment property and profit $50 000, after any legitimate costs of the sale are deducted, $25 000, or ½, of that profit is added to your taxable income for that year. If you fall into the $47 to 93 000 income range, you would pay approximately 35.5% tax on that $25 000 capital gain, which amounts to $8 875.

Similarly, if you incurred a $50 000 loss from the sale of property, your
allowable capital loss would be ½ or $25 000 and could be applied against your
taxable capital gains for that year.

The same applies if the real estate is owned by your business and will be
applied to your business tax filings.

Learn how to calculate capital gains and losses using this quick guide from the CRA.

Can paying capital gains tax be minimized or avoided?

The simplest way to avoid or offset any capital gains tax is to counter
them with any capital losses incurred.

If you do not have any capital losses to offset or zero out any gains, there are other ways to minimize the amount of tax you will have to pay.

If the property is a residential rental property, you may be able to avoid paying capital gains tax by:

If you do not already own a principal residence, you may be exempt from paying capital gains by claiming that property as your principal residence.

If you won the home in a lottery and already own a principal residence, you may be exempt if you sell the winnings quickly because the home has not appreciated.

Rent out less than 50% of your residence in order to keep the principal residence exemption

If you own a multiplex and reside in one unit, you can offset the gains if you keep meticulous records and only claim the costs incurred in maintaining the rented units. When you sell, you can deduct the portion of the gain that was your principal residence.

Let’s break this down.

Let's say you buy a duplex for $400,000 and rent out one unit for $1,500 per month and live in the other.

Each year you report your annual rental income and offset these earnings
with expenses associated with maintaining the rented unit. Keep in mind, you
cannot deduct expenses for the personal portion (principal residence) of the
duplex.

Four years later, you sell the duplex for $500,000.

cause 50% of the property is used for personal use, you can shelter 50% of the $100,000 capital gain.

The CRA is cracking down on real estate that generates income for the owner. In order to qualify for the principal ownership exemptions, you CANNOT rent out more than 50% of the property.

Furthermore, in order to be sure that you will qualify for the principal ownership exemption when purchasing real estate investments, it would be wise to consult a professional accountant.

What is considered a principal residence and how do I designate a property as such?

For taxation purposes, a property qualifies as your principal residence for any year it meets all of the following four conditions

It is a housing unit, a leasehold interest in a housing unit, or a share of the capital stock of a co-operative housing corporation you acquire only to get the right to inhabit a housing unit owned by that corporation.
You own the property alone or jointly with another person.
You, your current or former spouse or common-law partner, or any of your children lived in it at some time during the year.
You designate the property as your principal residence.

Keep in mind that . . .

For any years the property was not your principal residence, capital gains will have to be claimed. For this reason, meticulous record keeping is paramount. Otherwise, the income received from the sale of that property could all be subject to capital gains taxation by the CRA.

The property being claimed as a principal residence must be inhabited by
the taxpayer or by his or her spouse or common-law partner, former
spouse or common-law partner, or child, during that tax year.

According to Revenue Canada, family members include:

the taxpayer’s children, except those who were married, in a common-law partnership or 18 years of age or older during the year
where the taxpayer was not married, in a common-law partnership or 18 years of age or older during the year:
- the taxpayer’s mother and father; and
- the taxpayer’s brothers and sisters who were not married, in a common-law partnership or 18 years of age or older during the year.

If you are thinking that you could have a child or sibling reside in one

property and you live in another before the sale so any revenue generated is
tax exempt, think again. In order to close that loophole, the CRA amended the
tax laws around capital gains with Bill C-63. Therefore, as of 2017, only one
property can be designated as a principal residence for a particular tax
year per family.

As of 2017, in order to qualify for exemption from capital gains for the sale of a property you claim to be your principal residence, you MUST complete a T2091INDform, Designation of a Property as a Principal Residence by an Individual (Other Than a Personal Trust)

What about Gifting Real Estate?

While giving real estate prior to death may help the giver avoid probate and estate taxes upon death, it is considered a sale in the eyes of the CRA. Although Canada does not have gift taxes per se, this type of transfer of property can result in capital gains taxes for the giver and the recipient.

The CRA will consider the value of the property at time of transfer and measure it against the purchase price and the difference will fall under capital gains and ½ of that will face taxation for the giver. If the recipient sells the property (and it the principal residence exemption does not apply) the CRA will measure the value of the property at time of transfer against the selling price and the difference will be considered capital gains.

What if the property was my primary residence before I rented it out?

Let’s say you bought real estate and lived in it as your primary residence. After a few years, you buy another property, move into it, and rent out the first property before selling it. Technically, the moment you changed the property’s usage is when capital gains would be applied.

In order to minimize how much is taxed as capital gains, a formal appraisal of the property at the time you changed its use from a principal residence to a rental property must be done. In this way, the CRA will consider any appreciation from the time the property became an income property to the time of sale as capital gains, NOT the entire time you owned it.

As a result, any costs incurred while it was an income property can also be deducted from the capital gains much easier as you will have a formal date of use change along with all records showing the costs of maintaining the income property.

What happens if I inherit international property?

Canada does not allow exemptions for international property. It would fall under the same capital gains as property owned in Canada. However, by putting the property into a trust versus putting it in yours or your company’s name, can shelter the property from taxation.

The laws addressing international property are always changing and can be quite complex so consult a professional.

What if I marry and I sell my principal residence in order to move into my partner’s principal residence?

If both of you own and live in a principal residence, in order to receive the principal residence exemption when selling one of the properties, you must sell it before marrying and cohabiting.

If you move into one of the principal residences before selling the other, the property you do not live in no longer qualifies for the exemption and capital gains will have to be claimed.

If I bought vacant land and then built my principal residence on it, will I have to pay capital gains on the entire sale profits?

No. If you bought vacant land and built a principal residence on it a few years later, you only have to pay capital gains for the years you lived in the home less the cost of building it.

For example:

In 2002, Mr. Smith acquired vacant land for $50,000. In 2005, he constructed a housing unit on the land, costing $200,000, and started to live in the home. In 2011, he sold the property for $300,000. Mr. Smith’s gain from the sale of the property is equal to his $300,000 proceeds minus his $250,000 adjusted cost base = $50,000 (assume there were no costs of disposition). Mr. Smith can designate the property as his principal residence for the years 2005 to 2011 inclusive, but not for the years 2002 to 2004.

The principal residence exemption formula will not eliminate his entire $50,000 gain but can eliminate $40,000 of that gain, as shown in the following:

Applying the formula, A × (B ÷ C):

A is $50,000

B is 1 + 7 (being tax years 2005 to 2011)

C is 10 (being tax years 2002 to 2011)

= $50,000 x (8 ÷ 10)

= $40,000

Instead of being taxed for ½ of his total $50 000 gain, Mr. Smith would only be taxed on ½ of $10 000 of the total gain from the sale of this property.

With the CRA cracking down on using real estate as a tax shelter, paying tax on capital gains is virtually unavoidable.

However, with careful record keeping and professional consultations every step of the way, the amount of tax owed can be minimized and sometimes zeroed out completely.

No one likes to pay more taxes but at least the capital gains tax is a lot less than what would be owed if all the revenue generated from the sale of property was considered income. At least half, in fact!

Source of information: Revenue Canada Taxation at www.canada.ca

11 Rules of Holiday Office Party Etiquette

2017-12-30T18:09:00.001-07:00

Holiday Company Party Etiquette

The key to presenting yourself well at your company party or social gathering is to always remember everyone's watching

T’is the season for celebration and that includes businesses. Office parties are wonderful team morale building events and times to celebrate after a year of hard work. So go ahead and have fun. Just remember that it is still a work function. Forgetting that can be disastrous. Here are some tips from the pros for employees, new and experienced, that will help you get through the office festivities in good form.

Here are 8 simple rules to get you through the Office Party with your reputation and job intact.

1. Avoid engaging in gossip or sharing juicy stories.

Getting caught up in the he said, she said trap or badmouthing colleagues or superiors is a definite no-no. Avoid the gossip and keep the conversation strictly PG and casual. Remember, you are still in a work environment, so behave as though you are at work. Do not say or do anything you would not say or do at work.

2. Do not drink too much.

If alcohol is offered and consumed, keep it too the legal limit of 1 drink per hour. Intoxication will not put you in a positive light and could lead to behavior that you will regret, at best, or leave you reprimanded or unemployed, at worst. Your colleagues and superiors are always watching and judging your every move. A staff party is no exception.

3. Eat politely.

Gauge how much you should eat against the portions given and the number of people present. You want to be polite not gluttonous. If it is an appetizers and hors d’oeuvres event, nibble, even if that means you need to have a meal after the party is over. Rather than taking a doggie bag home, ask for the recipes instead.

4. Know the dress code and dress appropriately.

Be mindful that how you present yourself physically is how you will be perceived. Make sure you know the dress code for the event and dress within those limits. The office party is not the place to wear that slinky, revealing dress, or a bit too tight pair of pants. Be professional always.

5. Keep the conversations brief.

There will always be those people that you find easy to talk to and it can be tempting to extend the conversation as long as possible. However, office parties are for team building and relationship building in a social setting so it is best to keep your conversations brief and move on. A good rule of thumb is to limit them to no more than 15 minutes, unless it is the boss. When talking with your superiors, follow their lead or politely end the conversation when there is a natural break. Your superiors could be testing you.

6. Mingle.

In keeping with the previous, move around the room and approach your colleagues to engage in conversations. Don’t be the person that people have to come to if they want to talk. That sends messages of arrogance or antisocial tendencies that are not conducive to a workplace social gathering. This is a good time to talk with executives and superiors that you may not get to speak with otherwise.

7. Do not leave too early.

Judging when is an appropriate time to leave an office party can be difficult. You don’t want to be the first or last to leave. If it is a dinner party, stay for the entire meal in order to be respectful and appreciative. Plan to stay for at least an hour, unless there is an emergency that requires your immediate attention. Even though the office party is still a work related event, it is expected that employees and guests use the occasion to relax, mingle, and get to know each other and their superiors on a more personal level.

8. Always have a hand free to shake hands with others.

As you mix and mingle, it is an expected professional courtesy to shake hands while greeting others, so make sure you always have a hand available.

9. Bring a gift for the host or organizer of the party and send a thank you.

Organizing and/or hosting a staff party takes a lot of planning and effort. Arriving empty handed is frowned upon. You want to be courteous and gracious so bring a small gift for the host. It is best to find out what kind of gathering it is and a little something about the host so that you bring something that is in good taste and appropriate. Do not get something that makes them work, like uncut flowers, they have done enough already. Send a thank you out to the host and all those who helped organize the party the next day. Again, this speaks to your appreciative character and puts you in a positive light.

10. Attend.

Even if you dread the idea of spending your off hours with the people you work with and for, make an appearance. Stay for a reasonable amount of time and then say your thank yous and good byes before you depart. Although office parties are ‘optional,’ it demonstrates that you are a team player if you attend. Remember, you are always being observed and evaluated. The company put a lot of time and expense into holding a work social. The least you could do is show up.

11. Ask before bringing a guest.

Before inviting friends or significant others, find out from the host, whether guests are allowed and how many. Many events are +1 but not always. Use your discretion when allowed guests. Only bring guests who you are confident will represent you well and fit into your workplace. If you bring someone with you, always introduce them to whomever you speak with and include them in the conversation.

The key to participating in an office party in a way that does not negatively impact how people perceive you, your position, or opportunities for advancement, is to behave as you would at work. Office parties are opportunities to get to know your colleagues and superiors in a social setting and celebrate successes so it is expected that you will let your hair down, just not too much. You are still in a work environment and being watched by everyone.

Enjoy this festive season and have fun responsibly.

Chinese Military Parade - The largest military force in the World - HD 720p

2016-12-07T00:18:00.001-07:00

Learn Mandarin, everyone. We are going to need it. China already owns the western world through financial investments and loans and one day soon they will come to take what is rightfully theirs because we gave it to them.

"Ex-Stanford swimmer gets six months in jail and probation for sexual assault"??

2016-10-05T12:49:00.001-06:00

Ex-Stanford swimmer gets six months in jail and probation for sexual assault

Headlines like the one from June 6, 2016's online issue of The Guardian really get my blood boiling for several reasons. Let me break them down:

1. If he was a black man, even a black athlete, the descriptor would not read "Ex-Stanford swimmer" but would likely say something like "Black ex-swimmer" or simply "Black man" which is unjust and sets up a completely different story for the general public who will automatically damn the man to being guilty and going to jail.

2. The headline glorifies the perpetrator and leaves the general public reading this who are ignorant of the actual details of the assault to question the victim and sympathize with the swimmer.

3. The headline leaves out the most disturbing and key element of the case which was that the victim, who happens to be a woman, was unconscious during the assault!! It was rape and there was no opportunity for her to consent or deny consent because she was out cold when this "ex-Standford swimmer" decided to thrust his penis inside her and engage in intercourse.

4. This man, I use that term loosely, was only sentenced to 6 months in jail and probation for stumbling across an unconscious woman in an alley and raping her!! You get more for carrying a sheet of LSD and that does not destroy a person's life. If he was a black male without any Stanford connections, he would have got a much stronger sentence and would have been condemned by the media and public. His life and reputation would have been ruined, as it should. Just because Brock Turner was an ex-Stanford athlete, he is not brutalized by the media or courts. His reputation is not viciously annihilated just because he swam for Stanford. Somehow being a white athlete from a prestigious school is indicative of being a good person which is total bs. He still raped a woman who was unconscious and she has to live with that the rest of her life and life with the slap on the wrist he received from the justice system.

5. Sentences and cases like this are why victims of sexual assault and rape whether young or old, male or female, do not come forward. The justice system does not have their backs and only means they have to relive the traumas over and over again and prove they were innocent, did not provoke their attacker in any way, and were unconsenting.

This case and so many others out there whether they make the papers or news always question the victim and whether they put themselves in a vulnerable situation, dressed provocatively, were intoxicated, knew the attacker sexually prior, consented and then recanted after the fact, or clearly and consistently asked them to stop or said no. It is up to the victim, who has been destroyed and violated, to prove that they are victims; that they were not asking for it in some way. This kind of slut shaming and acceptance by our society that victims of sexual assault, but women for the most part, are somehow deserving of rape, sexual harassment, and assault, because we are sexual beings.

The belief that women have sexual power over the man and use it for evil goes all the way back to Genesis in the Bible and has continued through the ages. Women do have the power to create life and they do have the control over reproduction and perhaps it is that primal power that men fear. Regardless, it is completely disgusting that our society has come to accept that females will be sexually harassed and even assaulted at least once in their lifetime and then put the honos on the women to protect themselves and do what is needed to prevent it from happening. It's basically giving the perpetrators a free pass!!

For those who immediately question the victims of sexual assault and rape I have this to say:

Until you've had to say,"Stop. You're going to rip them," as you grip your underwear as though it was a shield that will protect you from the violation to come, while the person who professes to love you, or car about you, or a perfect stranger, tugs on them telling you, "If you'd let go, I wouldn't have to rip them."

Until you've given in and let go while telling yourself This really isn't happening. They are going to listen to your pleas of "Don't" and "Stop," while the one who's supposed to love you, care for you, or doesn't even know you pries your clenched thighs apart and thrusts themselves inside you proudly as tears stream down your face from pain and dehumanizing humiliation while they tear your insides with each punishing thrust. And you realize that the one above you really hates you and you find yourself begging them to stop because they are hurting you in so many ways; destroying you.

Until you've lay there raw and violated to your core and listened to their apologies - unless you are lucky enough to have them just leave you alone and reeling - and pleas of how they "only want to love you, please you." Until you hear yourself comforting them and telling them, "It's okay," when it is totally not fucking okay! And you've cried silent tears in fetal position while the one who violated you in the most hateful and intimate way sleeps soundly. You have no right to judge the victims of sexual assault or rape in any of its heinous forms.

And just to hammer this home, I want to you to read the impact statement of the woman who was the victim of this Ex-Stanford swimmer:

Your honor,

If it is all right, for the majority of this statement I would like to address the defendant directly.

You don’t know me, but you’ve been inside me, and that’s why we’re here today.

On January 17th, 2015, it was a quiet Saturday night at home. My dad made some dinner and I sat at the table with my younger sister who was visiting for the weekend. I was working full time and it was approaching my bed time. I planned to stay at home by myself, watch some TV and read, while she went to a party with her friends. Then, I decided it was my only night with her, I had nothing better to do, so why not, there’s a dumb party ten minutes from my house, I would go, dance weird like a fool, and embarrass my younger sister. On the way there, I joked that undergrad guys would have braces. My sister teased me for wearing a beige cardigan to a frat party like a librarian. I called myself “big mama,” because I knew I’d be the oldest one there. I made silly faces, let my guard down, and drank liquor too fast not factoring in that my tolerance had significantly lowered since college.

The next thing I remember I was in a gurney in a hallway. I had dried blood and bandages on the backs of my hands and elbow. I thought maybe I had fallen and was in an admin office on campus. I was very calm and wondering where my sister was. A deputy explained I had been assaulted. I still remained calm, assured he was speaking to the wrong person. I knew no one at this party. When I was finally allowed to use the restroom, I pulled down the hospital pants they had given me, went to pull down my underwear, and felt nothing. I still remember the feeling of my hands touching my skin and grabbing nothing. I looked down and there was nothing. The thin piece of fabric, the only thing between my vagina and anything else, was missing and everything inside me was silenced. I still don’t have words for that feeling. In order to keep breathing, I thought maybe the policemen used scissors to cut them off for evidence.

Then, I felt pine needles scratching the back of my neck and started pulling them out my hair. I thought maybe, the pine needles had fallen from a tree onto my head. My brain was talking my gut into not collapsing. Because my gut was saying, help me, help me.

I shuffled from room to room with a blanket wrapped around me, pine needles trailing behind me, I left a little pile in every room I sat in. I was asked to sign papers that said “Rape Victim” and I thought something has really happened. My clothes were confiscated and I stood naked while the nurses held a ruler to various abrasions on my body and photographed them. The three of us worked to comb the pine needles out of my hair, six hands to fill one paper bag. To calm me down, they said it’s just the flora and fauna, flora and fauna. I had multiple swabs inserted into my vagina and anus, needles for shots, pills, had a nikon pointed right into my spread legs. I had long, pointed beaks inside me and had my vagina smeared with cold, blue paint to check for abrasions.

After a few hours of this, they let me shower. I stood there examining my body beneath the stream of water and decided, I don’t want my body anymore. I was terrified of it, I didn’t know what had been in it, if it had been contaminated, who had touched it. I wanted to take off my body like a jacket and leave it at the hospital with everything else.

On that morning, all that I was told was that I had been found behind a dumpster, potentially penetrated by a stranger, and that I should get retested for HIV because results don’t always show up immediately. But for now, I should go home and get back to my normal life. Imagine stepping back into the world with only that information. They gave me huge hugs, and then I walked out of the hospital into the parking lot wearing the new sweatshirt and sweatpants they provided me, as they had only allowed me to keep my necklace and shoes.

My sister picked me up, face wet from tears and contorted in anguish. Instinctively and immediately, I wanted to take away her pain. I smiled at her, I told her to look at me, I’m right here, I’m okay, everything’s okay, I’m right here. My hair is washed and clean, they gave me the strangest shampoo, calm down, and look at me. Look at these funny new sweatpants and sweatshirt, I look like a P.E. teacher, let’s go home, let’s eat something. She did not know that beneath my sweats, I had scratches and bandages on my skin, my vagina was sore and had become a strange, dark color from all the prodding, my underwear was missing, and I felt too empty to continue to speak. That I was also afraid, that I was also devastated. That day we drove home and for hours my sister held me.

My boyfriend did not know what happened, but called that day and said, “I was really worried about you last night, you scared me, did you make it home okay?” I was horrified. That’s when I learned I had called him that night in my blackout, left an incomprehensible voicemail, that we had also spoken on the phone, but I was slurring so heavily he was scared for me, that he repeatedly told me to go find my sister. Again, he asked me, “What happened last night? Did you make it home okay?” I said yes, and hung up to cry.

I was not ready to tell my boyfriend or parents that actually, I may have been raped behind a dumpster, but I don’t know by who or when or how. If I told them, I would see the fear on their faces, and mine would multiply by tenfold, so instead I pretended the whole thing wasn’t real.

I tried to push it out of my mind, but it was so heavy I didn’t talk, I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, I didn’t interact with anyone. After work, I would drive to a secluded place to scream. I didn’t talk, I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, I didn’t interact with anyone, and I became isolated from the ones I loved most. For one week after the incident, I didn’t get any calls or updates about that night or what happened to me. The only symbol that proved that it hadn’t just been a bad dream, was the sweatshirt from the hospital in my drawer.

One day, I was at work, scrolling through the news on my phone, and came across an article. In it, I read and learned for the first time about how I was found unconscious, with my hair disheveled, long necklace wrapped around my neck, bra pulled out of my dress, dress pulled off over my shoulders and pulled up above my waist, that I was butt naked all the way down to my boots, legs spread apart, and had been penetrated by a foreign object by someone I did not recognize. This was how I learned what happened to me, sitting at my desk reading the news at work. I learned what happened to me the same time everyone else in the world learned what happened to me. That’s when the pine needles in my hair made sense, they didn’t fall from a tree. He had taken off my underwear, his fingers had been inside of me. I don’t even know this person. I still don’t know this person. When I read about me like this, I said, this can’t be me.

This can’t be me. I could not digest or accept any of this information. I could not imagine my family having to read about this online. I kept reading. In the next paragraph, I read something that I will never forgive; I read that according to him, I liked it. I liked it. Again, I do not have words for these feelings.

At the bottom of the article, after I learned about the graphic details of my own sexual assault, the article listed his swimming times. She was found breathing, unresponsive with her underwear six inches away from her bare stomach curled in fetal position. By the way, he’s really good at swimming. Throw in my mile time if that’s what we’re doing. I’m good at cooking, put that in there, I think the end is where you list your extra-curriculars to cancel out all the sickening things that’ve happened.

The night the news came out I sat my parents down and told them that I had been assaulted, to not look at the news because it’s upsetting, just know that I’m okay, I’m right here, and I’m okay. But halfway through telling them, my mom had to hold me because I could no longer stand up. I was not okay.

The night after it happened, he said he didn’t know my name, said he wouldn’t be able to identify my face in a lineup, didn’t mention any dialogue between us, no words, only dancing and kissing. Dancing is a cute term; was it snapping fingers and twirling dancing, or just bodies grinding up against each other in a crowded room? I wonder if kissing was just faces sloppily pressed up against each other? When the detective asked if he had planned on taking me back to his dorm, he said no. When the detective asked how we ended up behind the dumpster, he said he didn’t know. He admitted to kissing other girls at that party, one of whom was my own sister who pushed him away. He admitted to wanting to hook up with someone. I was the wounded antelope of the herd, completely alone and vulnerable, physically unable to fend for myself, and he chose me. Sometimes I think, if I hadn’t gone, then this never would’ve happened. But then I realized, it would have happened, just to somebody else. You were about to enter four years of access to drunk girls and parties, and if this is the foot you started off on, then it is right you did not continue.

The night after it happened, he said he thought I liked it because I rubbed his back. A back rub. Never mentioned me voicing consent, never mentioned us speaking, a back rub.

One more time, in public news, I learned that my ass and vagina were completely exposed outside, my breasts had been groped, fingers had been jabbed inside me along with pine needles and debris, my bare skin and head had been rubbing against the ground behind a dumpster, while an erect freshman was humping my half naked, unconscious body. But I don’t remember, so how do I prove I didn’t like it.

I thought there’s no way this is going to trial; there were witnesses, there was dirt in my body, he ran but was caught. He’s going to settle, formally apologize, and we will both move on. Instead, I was told he hired a powerful attorney, expert witnesses, private investigators who were going to try and find details about my personal life to use against me, find loopholes in my story to invalidate me and my sister, in order to show that this sexual assault was in fact a misunderstanding. That he was going to go to any length to convince the world he had simply been confused.

I was not only told that I was assaulted, I was told that because I couldn’t remember, I technically could not prove it was unwanted. And that distorted me, damaged me, almost broke me. It is the saddest type of confusion to be told I was assaulted and nearly raped, blatantly out in the open, but we don’t know if it counts as assault yet. I had to fight for an entire year to make it clear that there was something wrong with this situation.

When I was told to be prepared in case we didn’t win, I said, I can’t prepare for that. He was guilty the minute I woke up. No one can talk me out of the hurt he caused me. Worst of all, I was warned, because he now knows you don’t remember, he is going to get to write the script. He can say whatever he wants and no one can contest it. I had no power, I had no voice, I was defenseless. My memory loss would be used against me. My testimony was weak, was incomplete, and I was made to believe that perhaps, I am not enough to win this. That’s so damaging. His attorney constantly reminded the jury, the only one we can believe is Brock, because she doesn’t remember. That helplessness was traumatizing.

Instead of taking time to heal, I was taking time to recall the night in excruciating detail, in order to prepare for the attorney’s questions that would be invasive, aggressive, and designed to steer me off course, to contradict myself, my sister, phrased in ways to manipulate my answers. Instead of his attorney saying, Did you notice any abrasions? He said, You didn’t notice any abrasions, right? This was a game of strategy, as if I could be tricked out of my own worth. The sexual assault had been so clear, but instead, here I was at the trial, answering question like:

How old are you? How much do you weigh? What did you eat that day? Well what did you have for dinner? Who made dinner? Did you drink with dinner? No, not even water? When did you drink? How much did you drink? What container did you drink out of? Who gave you the drink? How much do you usually drink? Who dropped you off at this party? At what time? But where exactly? What were you wearing? Why were you going to this party? What’ d you do when you got there? Are you sure you did that? But what time did you do that? What does this text mean? Who were you texting? When did you urinate? Where did you urinate? With whom did you urinate outside? Was your phone on silent when your sister called? Do you remember silencing it? Really because on page 53 I’d like to point out that you said it was set to ring. Did you drink in college? You said you were a party animal? How many times did you black out? Did you party at frats? Are you serious with your boyfriend? Are you sexually active with him? When did you start dating? Would you ever cheat? Do you have a history of cheating? What do you mean when you said you wanted to reward him? Do you remember what time you woke up? Were you wearing your cardigan? What color was your cardigan? Do you remember any more from that night? No? Okay, we’ll let Brock fill it in.

I was pummeled with narrowed, pointed questions that dissected my personal life, love life, past life, family life, inane questions, accumulating trivial details to try and find an excuse for this guy who didn’t even take the time to ask me for my name, who had me naked a handful of minutes after seeing me. After a physical assault, I was assaulted with questions designed to attack me, to say see, her facts don’t line up, she’s out of her mind, she’s practically an alcoholic, she probably wanted to hook up, he’s like an athlete right, they were both drunk, whatever, the hospital stuff she remembers is after the fact, why take it into account, Brock has a lot at stake so he’s having a really hard time right now.

And then it came time for him to testify. This is where I became revictimized. I want to remind you, the night after it happened he said he never planned to take me back to his dorm. He said he didn’t know why we were behind a dumpster. He got up to leave because he wasn’t feeling well when he was suddenly chased and attacked. Then he learned I could not remember.

So one year later, as predicted, a new dialogue emerged. Brock had a strange new story, almost sounded like a poorly written young adult novel with kissing and dancing and hand holding and lovingly tumbling onto the ground, and most importantly in this new story, there was suddenly consent. One year after the incident, he remembered, oh yeah, by the way she actually said yes, to everything, so.

He said he had asked if I wanted to dance. Apparently I said yes. He’d asked if I wanted to go to his dorm, I said yes. Then he asked if he could finger me and I said yes. Most guys don’t ask, Can I finger you? Usually there’s a natural progression of things, unfolding consensually, not a Q and A. But apparently I granted full permission. He’s in the clear.

Even in this story, there’s barely any dialogue; I only said a total of three words before he had me half naked on the ground. I have never been penetrated after three words. He didn’t claim to hear me speak one full sentence that night, so in the news when it says we “met”, I’m not sure I would go so far as to say that. Future reference, if you are confused about whether a girl can consent, see if she can speak an entire sentence. You couldn’t even do that. Just one coherent string of words. If she can’t do that, then no. Don’t touch her, just no. Not maybe, just no. Where was the confusion? This is common sense, human decency.

According to him, the only reason we were on the ground was because I fell down. Note; if a girl falls help her get back up. If she is too drunk to even walk and falls, do not mount her, hump her, take off her underwear, and insert your hand inside her vagina. If a girl falls help her up. If she is wearing a cardigan over her dress don’t take it off so that you can touch her breasts. Maybe she is cold, maybe that’s why she wore the cardigan. If her bare ass and legs are rubbing the pinecones and needles, while the weight of you pushes into her, get off her.

Next in the story, two people approached you. You ran because you said you felt scared. I argue that you were scared because you’d be caught, not because you were scared of two terrifying Swedish grad students. The idea that you thought you were being attacked out of the blue was ludicrous. That it had nothing to do with you being on top my unconscious body. You were caught red handed, with no explanation. When they tackled you why didn’t say, “Stop! Everything’s okay, go ask her, she’s right over there, she’ll tell you.” I mean you had just asked for my consent, right? I was awake, right? When the policeman arrived and interviewed the evil Swede who tackled you, he was crying so hard he couldn’t speak because of what he’d seen. Also, if you really did think they were dangerous, you just abandoned a half-naked girl to run and save yourself. No matter which way you frame it, it doesn’t make sense.

Your attorney has repeatedly pointed out, well we don’t know exactly when she became unconscious. And you’re right, maybe I was still fluttering my eyes and wasn’t completely limp yet, fine. His guilt did not depend on him knowing the exact second that I became unconscious, that is never what this was about. I was slurring, too drunk to consent way before I was on the ground. I should have never been touched in the first place. Brock stated, “At no time did I see that she was not responding. If at any time I thought she was not responding, I would have stopped immediately.” Here’s the thing; if your plan was to stop only when I was literally unresponsive, then you still do not understand. You didn’t even stop when I was unconscious anyway! Someone else stopped you. Two guys on bikes noticed I wasn’t moving in the dark and had to tackle you. How did you not notice while on top of me?

You said, you would have stopped and gotten help. You say that, but I want you to explain how you would’ve helped me, step by step, walk me through this. I want to know, if those evil Swedes had not found me, how the night would have played out. I am asking you; Would you have pulled my underwear back on over my boots? Untangled the necklace wrapped around my neck? Closed my legs, covered me? Tucked my bra back into my dress? Would you have helped me pick the needles from my hair? Asked if the abrasions on my neck and bottom hurt? Would you then go find a friend and say, Will you help me get her somewhere warm and soft? I don’t sleep when I think about the way it could have gone if the Swedes had never come. What would have happened to me? That’s what you’ll never have a good answer for, that’s what you can’t explain even after a year.

To sit under oath and inform all of us, that yes I wanted it, yes I permitted it, and that you are the true victim attacked by guys for reasons unknown to you is sick, is demented, is selfish, is stupid. It shows that you were willing to go to any length, to discredit me, invalidate me, and explain why it was okay to hurt me. You tried unyieldingly to save yourself, your reputation, at my expense.

My family had to see pictures of my head strapped to a gurney full of pine needles, of my body in the dirt with my eyes closed, dress hiked up, limbs limp in the dark. And then even after that, my family had to listen to your attorney say, the pictures were after the fact, we can dismiss them. To say, yes her nurse confirmed there was redness and abrasions inside her, but that’s what happens when you finger someone, and he’s already admitted to that. To listen to him use my own sister against me. To listen him attempt to paint of a picture of me, the seductive party animal, as if somehow that would make it so that I had this coming for me. To listen to him say I sounded drunk on the phone because I’m silly and that’s my goofy way of speaking. To point out that in the voicemail, I said I would reward my boyfriend and we all know what I was thinking. I assure you my rewards program is non-transferable, especially to any nameless man that approaches me.

The point is, this is everything my family and I endured during the trial. This is everything I had to sit through silently, taking it, while he shaped the evening. It is enough to be suffering. It is another thing to have someone ruthlessly working to diminish the gravity and validity of this suffering. But in the end, his unsupported statements and his attorney’s twisted logic fooled no one. The truth won, the truth spoke for itself.

You are guilty. Twelve jurors convicted you guilty of three felony counts beyond reasonable doubt, that’s twelve votes per count, thirty-six yeses confirming guilt, that’s one hundred percent, unanimous guilt. And I thought finally it is over, finally he will own up to what he did, truly apologize, we will both move on and get better. Then I read your statement.

If you are hoping that one of my organs will implode from anger and I will die, I’m almost there. You are very close. Assault is not an accident. This is not a story of another drunk college hook-up with poor decision making. Somehow, you still don’t get it. Somehow, you still sound confused.

I will now take this opportunity to read portions of the defendant’s statement and respond to them.

You said, Being drunk I just couldn’t make the best decisions and neither could she.

Alcohol is not an excuse. Is it a factor? Yes. But alcohol was not the one who stripped me, fingered me, had my head dragging against the ground, with me almost fully naked. Having too much to drink was an amateur mistake that I admit to, but it is not criminal. Everyone in this room has had a night where they have regretted drinking too much, or knows someone close to them who has had a night where they have regretted drinking too much. Regretting drinking is not the same as regretting sexual assault. We were both drunk, the difference is I did not take off your pants and underwear, touch you inappropriately, and run away. That’s the difference.

You said, If I wanted to get to know her, I should have asked for her number, rather than asking her to go back to my room.

I’m not mad because you didn’t ask for my number. Even if you did know me, I would not want be in this situation. My own boyfriend knows me, but if he asked to finger me behind a dumpster, I would slap him. No girl wants to be in this situation. Nobody. I don’t care if you know their phone number or not.

You said, I stupidly thought it was okay for me to do what everyone around me was doing, which was drinking. I was wrong.

Again, you were not wrong for drinking. Everyone around you was not sexually assaulting me. You were wrong for doing what nobody else was doing, which was pushing your erect dick in your pants against my naked, defenseless body concealed in a dark area, where partygoers could no longer see or protect me, and own my sister could not find me. Sipping fireball is not your crime. Peeling off and discarding my underwear like a candy wrapper to insert your finger into my body, is where you went wrong. Why am I still explaining this.

You said, During the trial I didn’t want to victimize her at all. That was just my attorney and his way of approaching the case.

Your attorney is not your scapegoat, he represents you. Did your attorney say some incredulously infuriating, degrading things? Absolutely. He said you had an erection, because it was cold. I have no words.

You said, you are in the process of establishing a program for high school and college students in which you speak about your experience to “speak out against the college campus drinking culture and the sexual promiscuity that goes along with that.”

Speak out against campus drinking culture. That’s what we’re speaking out against? You think that’s what I’ve spent the past year fighting for? Not awareness about campus sexual assault, or rape, or learning to recognize consent. Campus drinking culture. Down with Jack Daniels. Down with Skyy Vodka. If you want talk to high school kids about drinking go to an AA meeting. You realize, having a drinking problem is different than drinking and then forcefully trying to have sex with someone? Show men how to respect women, not how to drink less.

Drinking culture and the sexual promiscuity that goes along with that. Goes along with that, like a side effect, like fries on the side of your order. Where does promiscuity even come into play? I don’t see headlines that read, Brock Turner, Guilty of drinking too much and the sexual promiscuity that goes along with that. Campus Sexaul Assault. There’s your first powerpoint slide.

I have done enough explaining. You do not get to shrug your shoulders and be confused anymore. You do not get to pretend that there were no red flags. You do not get to not know why you ran. You have been convicted of violating me with malicious intent, and all you can admit to is consuming alcohol. Do not talk about the sad way your life was upturned because alcohol made you do bad things. Figure out how to take responsibility for your own conduct.

Lastly you said, I want to show people that one night of drinking can ruin a life.

Ruin a life, one life, yours, you forgot about mine. Let me rephrase for you, I want to show people that one night of drinking can ruin two lives. You and me. You are the cause, I am the effect. You have dragged me through this hell with you, dipped me back into that night again and again. You knocked down both our towers, I collapsed at the same time you did. Your damage was concrete; stripped of titles, degrees, enrollment. My damage was internal, unseen, I carry it with me. You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today.

See one thing we have in common is that we were both unable to get up in the morning. I am no stranger to suffering. You made me a victim. In newspapers my name was “unconscious intoxicated woman”, ten syllables, and nothing more than that. For a while, I believed that that was all I was. I had to force myself to relearn my real name, my identity. To relearn that this is not all that I am. That I am not just a drunk victim at a frat party found behind a dumpster, while you are the All-American swimmer at a top university, innocent until proven guilty, with so much at stake. I am a human being who has been irreversibly hurt, who waited a year to figure out if I was worth something.

My independence, natural joy, gentleness, and steady lifestyle I had been enjoying became distorted beyond recognition. I became closed off, angry, self-deprecating, tired, irritable, empty. The isolation at times was unbearable. You cannot give me back the life I had before that night either. While you worry about your shattered reputation, I refrigerated spoons every night so when I woke up, and my eyes were puffy from crying, I would hold the spoons to my eyes to lessen the swelling so that I could see. I showed up an hour late to work every morning, excused myself to cry in the stairwells, I can tell you all the best places in that building to cry where no one can hear you, the pain became so bad that I had to tell my boss I was leaving, I needed time because continuing day to day was not possible. I used my savings to go as far away as I could possibly be.

I can’t sleep alone at night without having a light on, like a five year old, because I have nightmares of being touched where I cannot wake up, I did this thing where I waited until the sun came up and I felt safe enough to sleep. For three months, I went to bed at six o’clock in the morning.

I used to pride myself on my independence, now I am afraid to go on walks in the evening, to attend social events with drinking among friends where I should be comfortable being. I have become a little barnacle always needing to be at someone’s side, to have my boyfriend standing next to me, sleeping beside me, protecting me. It is embarrassing how feeble I feel, how timidly I move through life, always guarded, ready to defend myself, ready to be angry.

You have no idea how hard I have worked to rebuild parts of me that are still weak. It took me eight months to even talk about what happened. I could no longer connect with friends, with everyone around me. I would scream at my boyfriend, my own family whenever they brought this up. You never let me forget what happened to me. At the of end of the hearing, the trial, I was too tired to speak. I would leave drained, silent. I would go home turn off my phone and for days I would not speak. You bought me a ticket to a planet where I lived by myself. Every time a new article come out, I lived with the paranoia that my entire hometown would find out and know me as the girl who got assaulted. I didn’t want anyone’s pity and am still learning to accept victim as part of my identity. You made my own hometown an uncomfortable place to be.

Someday, you can pay me back for my ambulance ride and therapy. But you cannot give me back my sleepless nights. The way I have broken down sobbing uncontrollably if I’m watching a movie and a woman is harmed, to say it lightly, this experience has expanded my empathy for other victims. I have lost weight from stress, when people would comment I told them I’ve been running a lot lately. There are times I did not want to be touched. I have to relearn that I am not fragile, I am capable, I am wholesome, not just livid and weak.

I want to say this. All the crying, the hurting you have imposed on me, I can take it. But when I see my younger sister hurting, when she is unable to keep up in school, when she is deprived of joy, when she is not sleeping, when she is crying so hard on the phone she is barely breathing, telling me over and over she is sorry for leaving me alone that night, sorry sorry sorry, when she feels more guilt than you, then I do not forgive you. That night I had called her to try and find her, but you found me first. Your attorney’s closing statement began, “My sister said she was fine and who knows her better than her sister.” You tried to use my own sister against me. Your points of attack were so weak, so low, it was almost embarrassing. You do not touch her.

If you think I was spared, came out unscathed, that today I ride off into sunset, while you suffer the greatest blow, you are mistaken. Nobody wins. We have all been devastated, we have all been trying to find some meaning in all of this suffering.

You should have never done this to me. Secondly, you should have never made me fight so long to tell you, you should have never done this to me. But here we are. The damage is done, no one can undo it. And now we both have a choice. We can let this destroy us, I can remain angry and hurt and you can be in denial, or we can face it head on, I accept the pain, you accept the punishment, and we move on.

Your life is not over, you have decades of years ahead to rewrite your story. The world is huge, it is so much bigger than Palo Alto and Stanford, and you will make a space for yourself in it where you can be useful and happy. Right now your name is tainted, so I challenge you to make a new name for yourself, to do something so good for the world, it blows everyone away. You have a brain and a voice and a heart. Use them wisely. You possess immense love from your family. That alone can pull you out of anything. Mine has held me up through all of this. Yours will hold you and you will go on.

I believe, that one day, you will understand all of this better. I hope you will become a better more honest person who can properly use this story to prevent another story like this from ever happening again. I fully support your journey to healing, to rebuilding your life, because that is the only way you’ll begin to help others.

Now to address the sentencing. When I read the probation officer’s report, I was in disbelief, consumed by anger which eventually quieted down to profound sadness. My statements have been slimmed down to distortion and taken out of context. I fought hard during this trial and will not have the outcome minimized by a probation officer who attempted to evaluate my current state and my wishes in a fifteen minute conversation, the majority of which was spent answering questions I had about the legal system. The context is also important. Brock had yet to issue a statement, and I had not read his remarks.

My life has been on hold for over a year, a year of anger, anguish and uncertainty, until a jury of my peers rendered a judgment that validated the injustices I had endured. Had Brock admitted guilt and remorse and offered to settle early on, I would have considered a lighter sentence, respecting his honesty, grateful to be able to move our lives forward. Instead he took the risk of going to trial, added insult to injury and forced me to relive the hurt as details about my personal life and sexual assault were brutally dissected before the public. He pushed me and my family through a year of inexplicable, unnecessary suffering, and should face the consequences of challenging his crime, of putting my pain into question, of making us wait so long for justice.

I told the probation officer I do not want Brock to rot away in prison. I did not say he does not deserve to be behind bars. The probation officer’s recommendation of a year or less in county jail is a soft time-out, a mockery of the seriousness of his assaults, and of the consequences of the pain I have been forced to endure. I also told the probation officer that what I truly wanted was for Brock to get it, to understand and admit to his wrongdoing.

Unfortunately, after reading the defendant’s statement, I am severely disappointed and feel that he has failed to exhibit sincere remorse or responsibility for his conduct. I fully respected his right to a trial, but even after twelve jurors unanimously convicted him guilty of three felonies, all he has admitted to doing is ingesting alcohol. Someone who cannot take full accountability for his actions does not deserve a mitigating sentence. It is deeply offensive that he would try and dilute rape with a suggestion of promiscuity. By definition rape is the absence of promiscuity, rape is the absence of consent, and it perturbs me deeply that he can’t even see that distinction.

The probation officer factored in that the defendant is youthful and has no prior convictions. In my opinion, he is old enough to know what he did was wrong. When you are eighteen in this country you can go to war. When you are nineteen, you are old enough to pay the consequences for attempting to rape someone. He is young, but he is old enough to know better.

As this is a first offense I can see where leniency would beckon. On the other hand, as a society, we cannot forgive everyone’s first sexual assault or digital rape. It doesn’t make sense. The seriousness of rape has to be communicated clearly, we should not create a culture that suggests we learn that rape is wrong through trial and error. The consequences of sexual assault needs to be severe enough that people feel enough fear to exercise good judgment even if they are drunk, severe enough to be preventative. The fact that Brock was a star athlete at a prestigious university should not be seen as an entitlement to leniency, but as an opportunity to send a strong cultural message that sexual assault is against the law regardless of social class.

The probation officer weighed the fact that he has surrendered a hard earned swimming scholarship. If I had been sexually assaulted by an un-athletic guy from a community college, what would his sentence be? If a first time offender from an underprivileged background was accused of three felonies and displayed no accountability for his actions other than drinking, what would his sentence be? How fast he swims does not lessen the impact of what happened to me.

The Probation Officer has stated that this case, when compared to other crimes of similar nature, may be considered less serious due to the defendant’s level of intoxication. It felt serious. That’s all I’m going to say.

He is a lifetime sex registrant. That doesn’t expire. Just like what he did to me doesn’t expire, doesn’t just go away after a set number of years. It stays with me, it’s part of my identity, it has forever changed the way I carry myself, the way I live the rest of my life.

A year has gone by and he has had lots of time on his hands. Has he been seeing a psychologist? What has he done in this past year to show he’s been progressing? If he says he wants to implement programs, what has he done to show for it?

Throughout incarceration I hope he is provided with appropriate therapy and resources to rebuild his life. I request that he educates himself about the issue of campus sexual assault. I hope he accepts proper punishment and pushes himself to reenter society as a better person.

To conclude, I want to say thank you. To everyone from the intern who made me oatmeal when I woke up at the hospital that morning, to the deputy who waited beside me, to the nurses who calmed me, to the detective who listened to me and never judged me, to my advocates who stood unwaveringly beside me, to my therapist who taught me to find courage in vulnerability, to my boss for being kind and understanding, to my incredible parents who teach me how to turn pain into strength, to my friends who remind me how to be happy, to my boyfriend who is patient and loving, to my unconquerable sister who is the other half of my heart, to Alaleh, my idol, who fought tirelessly and never doubted me. Thank you to everyone involved in the trial for their time and attention. Thank you to girls across the nation that wrote cards to my DA to give to me, so many strangers who cared for me.

Most importantly, thank you to the two men who saved me, who I have yet to meet. I sleep with two bicycles that I drew taped above my bed to remind myself there are heroes in this story. That we are looking out for one another. To have known all of these people, to have felt their protection and love, is something I will never forget.

And finally, to girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you. Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining. Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can’t be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important, unquestionably, you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you. To girls everywhere, I am with you. Thank you.